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A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes Benz to 100 mph. Looking in his rear view mirror, he sees a cop behind him, signaling to pull over. He floored it to 140 , then 150, then 155, and 160…Suddenly he thought, "Shit man, I'm too old for this nonsense!"

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the cop to catch up with him. The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. And guess what, today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family to the beach. If you can give me a ...

The rear view mirror fell out of my car a couple of months ago and I have never replaced it.

Haven’t looked back since.

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I hate it how when a girl shows her ass she gets thousand of views on Snapchat...

but when I do it, I get banned from Walmart.

Enjoying the views...

You: So..did you enjoy your trip to the Swiss Alps?

Me: Yes, it was amazing.

You: Did you enjoy the views?

Me: Mmm...No.

You: Why?

Me: The Mountains blocked the view.

Hugh Hefner was sitting in the Playboy mansion, admiring 'the view'

He then heard there were a group of people at the door, trying to sell him flowers.

He went out and said, "Can I help you?"
"HI sir! We are from Rainbow Florists and would like to know if you want to buy some beautiful flowers for your beautiful ladies?"

"Get the hell off my propert...

Questioner: Can you explain the birth of Jesus Christ from scientific point of view?

Me: OK, I’m not sure why it falls on me to be the one to tell you this, but I’m up for it, I guess. You see, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much…

Questioner: No, no, no!

Me: What?

Questioner: I don’t want an explanation of where *babies* comes from. I want an expl...

Why do french tanks have rear-view mirrors?

So they could see the battlefield

An old lady phoned the police about her neighbour stripping off in his bedroom with light on and curtains open, the police came round and checked, they said but mam there is a tree blocking the view you cannot see his bedroom window, she replied.

You can if you stand on top of the wardrobe.

The American view of the world is too self-centered...

I mean on maps they literally label their country "US."

The “Avengers: Endgame” trailer had 289 million views in 24 hours.

It would have been 578 million views, but...

What did Polyphemus say when his wife asked him about his view on Odysseus?

"I have no idea."

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I was going to tell you guys how I wanted to punish my homophobic robot for its outdated views,

Butt fuck it.

I was driving home last night and as I looked in my rear view mirror I saw a big van which said 'Ambulance' on the front with sirens blaring trying to pass me.

Yeah nice try I thought, I'm not moving, it's clearly a fake. The word 'Ambulance' is always written backwards on real ones.

A group of old friends discussed where they should meet for lunch for their reunion.

They were all aged about 40.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the waitresses there were pretty.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at ...

Points of view

A Priest is talking to a kid,he says:"is always better give than receive" and the kid replies:"my dad says this everyday!" And the priest:" oh,your father is a good person, what's his job?" "He is a boxer!"

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I went to view a house on a Native American reservation.

"I like it" I said. "Does it come with running water?"

"Fuck off" He replied. "Get your own wife."

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Have you heard about the documentary on an average cops view of a black man in america

Pokemon: Gotta Catch em all

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

Do you know why my Dad hangs a hat from his rear view mirror?

To prove he has a handicap.

Overcome with the beauty of the Earth from space, the astronaut removed his helmet

The view was breathtaking

This summer was driving down the highway when it saw police lights flashing in its rear view window...

It, being the good summer it is, pulls over and the cop approaches its car window. The officer leans in and says, “Summer, do you know fast you were going?”

Summer, without hesitation, lights a cigarette and puffs, “I don’t know, Sir. Too fast?”

A couple are on a blind date. She, a New York realtor; he, a Russian businessman. After a lovely dinner, conversation turns to world affairs, and the man expresses some anti-Islamic views.

The woman is incensed, but the guy is cute so she decides to give him a second chance: “I don’t know what’s acceptable in Russia, but I don’t want to hear any of that bigoted rhetoric. Not another word! I’m going to the washroom to cool off and we’ll try again.” As the woman leaves the table the...

Four Different Views Of Life

One day, three friends went walking on a train track stumbled upon a tunnel (mind you, the first is an Optimist, the second a Realist, and the third a Pessimist). The Optimist says,
“Fellas, lets go through this tunnel! C’mon it’ll be fun!”
The other two roll their eyes and agree. About halfw...

What do you call a cushion with transcendentalist views?

A Thoreau pillow.

A few years ago I got offered a job making rear view mirrors..

Looking back, I should've taken it.

So if a place to view birds is an Aviary, and a place to view fish is a aquarium, where do you view pigs?

Congress

[Modernized] Why do U.N. tanks have rear view mirrors?

To see the village they were supposed to protect.

There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.

So John and Mike went to the Mosque ...

What do you call a pair of conjoined hebrew twins with far left political views?

An SJ Double Jew

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Different points of view

The pessimist sees a dark tunnel.

The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel.

The realist sees the train coming.

The train driver sees 3 assholes on the railroad.

Switzerland is a great country, with amazing views and nice people

And their flag is also great, which is a huge plus.

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After years of being plagued by extreme headaches,

*Disclaimer: English isn't my main language, there might be some mistakes here and there*

Jim finally went to see a doctor. After a lot of researching, the doctor said: "I have good news, but I also have bad news."

The good news is that I have found a cure for your extreme headac...

Dr. Strange: I went forward in time... to view alternate futures. To see all the possible outcomes of the coming conflict.

Dr. Strange: I went forward in time... to view alternate futures. To see all the possible outcomes of the coming conflict.

Me: How many did you see?

Dr. Strange: Fourteen million six hundred and five.

Me: Did I win any arguments with my wife?

Dr. Strange: ...One. ...

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An ugly man walks into a bar and a beautiful woman approaches him...

... the woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees. They both get into his car and drive really far. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city. Within seconds they start taking ...

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My very conservative coworker told me about the first time he had sex...

[to view this body of this joke, please upgrade to the Tier II telecom package]

...and I'll never think of jesus the same way again.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."<...

I went to view a new house today with period features

My wife hates it when I call her that.

I was going to adopt a nihilistic world view,

But there was no point.

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Facebook views Reddit the same way newlyweds view child mine workers

They don't like to aknowledge their existence even though they're responsible for most of the cool shit they show off to their friends

A woman calls the police on a naked man who stands in full view of her highrise window

A thread on r/ relationships today reminded me of this old joke:

A woman who lives in a high-rise calls the police because there is a man in a building across from hers who stands stark naked in front of his window for long periods every day.

A policeman comes out to corroborate her co...

Men and women have two distinct views about weddings.

The husband-to-be wakes up in the morning, plays a round of golf and counts the minutes until he has to be at the altar.
The wife-to-be, on the other hand, wakes up in the morning and is panicking. She immediately begins to organize things, making sure everything is in proper order. In her mind ...

One day a horse is watching a music video [Long]

One day a horse is watching a music video and decides that he himself, wants to make a music video.

&#x200B;

In preparation, he goes to the phone book and looks up a local music teacher. He calls him up and says


"Hey, I saw that you teach musical instruments, and I rea...

3 guys go to heaven

Three guys go to heaven, and are greeted by Saint Peter. Now, to get to heaven, they had to cross a large bridge. “The quality of the vehicle you will drive across this bridge with will be determined by how many times you cheated on your spouse” says St. Peter. The first guy walks up and St. Peter s...

A man with only one ear interviews candidates for a job

He is kinda' sensitive about his missing ear, so he asks to the first candidate "do you notice anything different about me?"


The guy hesitates and says "yes, sir, you have only one ear". He is dismissed on point.


The man asks the same question to the second candidate, which rep...

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There was a really unlucky man called Bob...

He was so unlucky that he was born with only one testicle!

One day, he decided to buy a plane ticket and go visit his aunt and uncle. He boarded the plane and started to watch the view.

Mid-flight, they went through a horrible turbulance and the captain came out to announce that one o...

What is one thing that both Australians & Americans share the same view on?

1961

Three Idiot Detectives

Three idiots were training to become detectives. Their superior decided to test them by having them catch an escaped criminal.

He showed the first idiot a picture of the criminal and asked, “How would you catch this man?”

“That’s easy,” said the first idiot. “He’s only got one eye, so...

What are your views on abortion?

I'm undecided.
On one hand, I like killing babies, on the other, I don't like giving women a choice.

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A black man was driving a brand new mercedes

He saw cop lights in his rear view mirror and pulled over. He calmly pulls over to the shoulder of the road and waits for the police officer to knock on the window.

“Goin’ a little fast back there, yeah? License and registration.”

The black man hands over the information and says “Sir...

A priest told me this joke as a kid.

There were 3 men, they were best friends, and they were quite unhealthy. Their names were, Bert, Chester, and Earl.

They were actually really unhealthy and Bert decided that he needed to take charge of him and his friends' health. He decided that they were going to be on a diet together to he...

Woke up at 5:30am to get a head start on driving to view the Eclipse today

Must have missed the start though- it was already dark.

So I posted an opposing view on r/The_Donald

[removed]

A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear-view mirror pulls to the side of the road.

After coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car.

The man asks, "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: "You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you."

Man: "No sir, I was going a little over 60."

Wife: "O...

Reddit is just like real life.

I tried to view r/dadjokes, but Reddit said it was temporarily unvailable because it went out for a pack of cigarettes.

I'm sure it'll be back soon, right?

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I’ve found an origami porn channel

but it’s paper view only.

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A young couple is walking in the zoo

as they suddenly stop in front of a gorilla figure. The gorilla stares at the young woman and turns to the bars to get a better view. The husband says, "Hey, he seems to be on you."

The young woman laughs and starts to play around with her blouse. The gorilla starts drooling and his DingDong...

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I asked an atheist "How do you view homosexuality?"

He replied "Mostly on pornhub"

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Once upon a time, there was a teeny-tiny spider...

...and as the spider wanted to repent for its carnivorous days by becoming a vegetarian, it decided to live the rest of its days in a quiet, peaceful place to live off the land and to avoid the temptation of telling everyone about its transformation (he's trying to be better really hard, you know?)....

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"Pornography has really damaged the way you view sex,"

exclaimed my girlfriend, "I've had enough, I'm leaving."

I said, "Before you go, can we fuck on the snooker table while your Grandad watches?"

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How do you view same-sex relationships?

In HD

What do G-Strings and barbed wire have in common?

They both protect the property without disrupting the view.

I have views on my hot neighbour but she’s a cat person.

And this morning, my dog came with the cat in its mouth, dead of course.
I was horrified and realised I had to fix this if I ever want to hit her.
So I went to all the kennels in the shire to find the exact same cat.
Finally found it and put the dead cat’s collar on it. Send it back ...

What's the atheist's view on God?

Nahweh.

Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel.

One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food & fire area. It was exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just watching.

Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders and they had a great idea! They could sit on top of the boulders a...

The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it's time for a change

After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off ...

Engineers' view about a glass of water!

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.