A senior citizen drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him

He floored it to 140, then 150, ... then 170, ...

Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him .

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift end...

Why do French tanks come equipped with rear view mirrors?

So they can see the battle.

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How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

Popeye is seen as iconic in America, but how is he viewed in Finland?

Oh, he's strong to the Finnish...

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How does a depressed person view life?

There are sad days, and also Saturdays...

My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I'm paid to travel.

My dates never seem too happy when I tell them I'm a bus driver.

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Just found an origami porn channel

Unfortunately it’s paper view

A Brit, A Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the garden of Eden

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit."They must be British"

They pondered this possibility but the Frenchman and the Russians soon shake their heads in disagreement.

"Nonsense," says the Frenchman. "They're naked and so beautiful, clearly they are French". The Brit and ...

Do you know why Scooby Doo is the most viewed cartoon in Denmark?

Because he’s a Great Dane

Old Man on the Fast Moped

Just remembered this one today. It's a great joke for around a campfire.

\---

Guy's driving down the road in his new Lamborghini. Stops at a light next to an old man on a moped.

The old man looks over and says "Say, that's a pretty spiffy looking car there, son. It looks f...

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How can a black man change a republican politician's views on abortion?

Get his wife pregnant

Anybody know who won the origami fight last night?

I couldn't find it anywhere on Paper-View

A British man was talking to his friend about his views on Brexit...

"These bloody immigrants come over here. They're up to no good, right? I hate these bloody immigrants. They need to go back to where they came from."


His friend replies with "But why do you hate them so much?"


The British man replies, "I'll tell you why I hate them, I'll te...

I have been calculating the surface of the Earth in flat-earth point of view.

And they were right saying that the government had been hiding much land and the surface is actually larger. How else would they be able to walk that far to fool themselves.

Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city..

Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.

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A clean joke

A soap factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the bar inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important these relationships were, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. Six months and $8 million later, t...

When You Have An Optimistic View On What You're Smelling, You're Smelling...

Rose tinted gases.

Did you hear they are remaking “The Passion of the Christ” from the Gentiles point of view?

They’re calling it the “Uncut” edition.

A Woman & a Shepard

(Preface: My father told me this joke when I was little.)

There once was a woman who was sick of all the blonde jokes she had been the victim of. So, she decided to make a change - she dyed her hair, freshened up her wardrobe, even bought herself a new car. Feeling like a bee person, she vent...

An englishman, a frenchman, a spaniard, and a german were all standing watching a street performer do some exciting juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a wooden box and asks them, 'Can you all see me now?'

'Yes'

'Oui'

'Sí'

'Ja'

What are your views on abortion?

Me: It really brings out the kid in you.

Permits required A woman from Sydney who was a tree hugging, vegetarian and anti-hunter purchased a piece of native bush land in northern N.S.W.

There was a large gum tree on one of the highest points in her property.

She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land, so she started to climb the big gum.

As she neared the top, she encountered a koala that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the t...

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I cant decide my views on masturbation. On one hand, it feels good

On the other hand it feels even better

What message does a quantum computer have when you view an image?

"Do you want to save changes?"

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

A new widow is talking to the funeral director

She says, "Lying over there is my John, God rest his soul. And he's laid out in his favorite brown suit. I kept my promise to send him here with that suit, but he looks awful in brown."

"Here's $200. I want you to get him a blue suit for the viewing and funeral."

The undertaker says he...

Seeing that Ramadan started this week, here's a joke.



There were two white christian men, Adam and Jack, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.


As the dust in the air settled, they sudde...

Thor was viewing the earth, when he saw a beautiful milkmaid. He transformed to human form, descended to earth - and seduced her.

They made love for 3 days and 3 nights, then one morning Thor was stood with his back to her, shuttered sunlight streaming through his golden hair and across his massive frame - the very image of godlike perfection. And he spoke.

“Darling, I must away from this place” he turned round for dram...

What are my views on Russia and China? Well...

[redacted]

People thought Trump getting infected would change his views on Covid...

...I guess he is asympathetic.

The debate really changed my view on Mike Pence...

Pretty fly, for a white guy

How is a presidential debate like the show The View?

Both have a couple of idiots talking over each other and not making a point.

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Walked in on my parents having sex last year

Currently 3 million views on xtube.

I’ll be so much happier when 2020 is in the rear view

Yknow, in hindsight

After viewing the disappointing post-debate polls, Trump asked Kushner how to do better in the following debate.

Jared said,"be positive, spread your positivity, and after all is said and done, try to come across as a patient person"

A man goes into an antiques dealership carrying a violin and a painting. "Hi. I found these in the loft of the house I've just bought. I'm interested in having them valued with a view to selling them." The owner, duly fascinated takes them into the back to give them the once over.

"Very interesting." he tells the man on his return. "You realise, you've got a genuine Rembrandt and a bona fide Stradivarius here."

"That's wonderful- I'm rich!" exclaims the man.

"Not so fast, son." replies the dealer- "Rembrandt violins are notorious poor quality and Stradivarius co...

The co-founder of Adobe who developed the PDF file format has died.

The funeral viewing will be a closed casket since it's too much trouble trying to open it.

Women who wear yoga pants...

Are like barb wire fence. They keep the yard safe without obstructing the view.

A Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead were standing on a beach

They had decided the previous evening whilst in the pub to try and swim the English channel. After some dicussion, they decided the quickest way would be to do the breast stroke, so off they set.

One day later the Redhead reached the French coast. Having lost sight of the other two swimmers j...

A comment following the video of two different camera views of the guy falling off that drone motorcycle thing reminded me of this oldie but goodie: a guy walks into a bar....

....sits down, orders a beer, and is watching the 5 o’clock news: footage of a guy about to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. Bartender says “I bet you $100 he does it.” Guy takes the bet, and not long after has to pay up...

A few minutes later, bartender comes back. “I’m sorry man, I can’t t...

Ken Dodd's view on reincarnation ...

"I don't see the point of coming back as a tin of milk"

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Pornhub promised to plant 1 tree for every 100 views. Guess what I will do.

I will single handedly save the plant.

Quick tip on how to get lots of views on your Reddit posts

Label it NSFW and repost (credit to a dozen other people)

Why did the Calculus Teacher take the student's calculator away?

He was viewing graphic material

A cop is speeding on the highway when he notices in his rear view mirror that he is being followed by an old lady.

Going over 100 mph, he realizes the civilian's car is going way too fast and needs to slow down. The cop begins to decelerate and the car follows suit. Eventually, the cop pulls over and the car pulls over as well. An old lady comes out of the car and stumbles up to the cop's window, almost tripping...

After years of going to catholic church I’ve finally decided to seek other points of view on religion...

... After countless hours of study and understanding, I felt an uneasy feeling in my stomach.

Had I made a mistake? Had I crossed a benevolent God?

I had studied Judaism in Israel,

Buddhism in Tibet,

Even to indigenous areas of the globe to to better understand what it...

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I was watching porn-hub last night, and there was a film on about clitoris stimulation, it then says press red button to view.

Couldn't find it.

How do you view posts from two years ago in r/jokes?

Sort by hot.

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I was doing 20 over the speed limit when a cop car appeared in my rear view mirror, lights flashing.

I pulled over and stepped out of the car and was met by the most beautiful female police officer I'd ever seen.

She told me to turn around, place my hands on the car and spread my legs. As I did, she began frisking me. As she neared my crotch, I suffered premature ejaculation.

I got o...

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Peter Piker

When Peter Piker peeked at Penny,

And peeped her perfect pooper

His peepers paused and then his jaw

Plopped down into a stupor



But he perked up and pressed his luck;

Professed he pined to pipe her

He self-composed and then proposed

While poin...

What would the headline be if Barack Obama walked on water across a lake in full view of a Fox News reporter?

"OBAMA CAN'T SWIM"

Doctor, I've got mustard in my eyes and I can't see a thing.

Doctor: any other symptoms?

Me: no, but I have the strangest feeling that this has happened before

Doctor: French mustard?

Me: yes, why?

Doctor: It's dijon view

The “Avengers: Endgame” trailer had 289 million views in 24 hours.

It would have been 578 million views, but...

My life used to centre on math, additions and subtractions until I found a quote that expanded my worldview

"The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 20 years of his life."

Did you see the reviews for the restaurant on the moon?

Great view, but no atmosphere.

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What is the origin of the word “Boob”?

The “B” is the aerial view, the “oo” is the front view, the “b” is the side view.

When I checked-in earlier today at the hotel, I asked if I could have a room with a street view.

The receptionist said "Sorry, they're all pixelated."

When you go hiking with asthma

You'll always find a breathtaking view

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I went to view a house on a Native American reservation.

"I like it" I said. "Does it come with running water?"

"Fuck off" He replied. "Get your own wife."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is very funny, but it’s more of a visual joke than one for here. But it always gets a laugh when you perform it right.

A police detective is called to the scene of a fatal car crash. Inside are two people- a man and a woman... and curiously enough, a little monkey who survived unscathed. The detective is trying to piece together what happened and muses out loud to the monkey- “Boy, I sure wish you could tell me what...

The rear view mirror fell out of my car a couple of months ago and I have never replaced it.

Haven’t looked back since.

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Twas the week before Christmas

‘Twas the Week before Christmas
by Canttake Itany Moore

‘Twas the week before Christmas and all through the city

The virus still raged. The year was still shitty.

The cars sat snuggly, all still in the street.

There was no place to go. No friends to meet.

Restau...

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What do you call a homosexual supreme ruler with neither conservative nor liberal views?

Mod Czar Gay

Man on the mountain

One day on a nearby mountain a man stood atop it. He looked at the view and turned his pockets inside out. Powdered gold gushed out at amazing speed as he stood there.

Soon the media caught wind of this and went to investigate. After stuffing as many buckets of gold into their van as they cou...

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A poor man goes to a sex club

After standing in line to get in het gets to the doorman. "What can I get for $5" the poor man says.

"You can get into the mystery room" says the doorman and he proceeds to lead the poor man to a door. Once he opens the door he sees a big round chamber with in the middle a donkey with a small...

LONG : An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.



Looking at the shiny car ,the old man asks the doctor "What ya driving there sonny?

The doctor replies, “1500+hp Porsche. It cost half a million dollars!


'Why does it cost so much?' Says the old man.


'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' state...

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Questioner: Can you explain the birth of Jesus Christ from scientific point of view?

Me: OK, I’m not sure why it falls on me to be the one to tell you this, but I’m up for it, I guess. You see, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much…

Questioner: No, no, no!

Me: What?

Questioner: I don’t want an explanation of where *babies* comes from. I want an expl...

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THIS IS A TERRIBLE JOKE

Q: Why did the pregnant woman hold her vagina open?

A: To give her fetus a womb with a view.

While hiking at the Grand Canyon for the first time, my girlfriend was inspired by the view.

She confidently walked up to the edge and she turned to me and said "Ya know, I really want to make a difference. I really want to make an impact on this world."

...All she needed was a little push in the right direction.

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Trucker is hauling a B-double with three containers full of computer parts.

It's getting on toward dark, and so he stops at a steakhouse for a bite.


The first thing he sees is a sign on the door:


NO THONGS


NO SINGLETS


NO NERDS


MANAGEMENT RESERVES THE RIGHT TO REFUSE ADMISSION


No nerds? Weird. But whatever...

Switzerland is a great country, with amazing views and nice people

And their flag is also great, which is a huge plus.

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary

... and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband lo...

Red white and blue stand for freedom

Right up until you see them flashing in your rear view mirror

I was with a funeral director, planning my final arrangements. He asked me if I wanted to have a family viewing prior to the services.

I told him "Remains to be seen."

The origami championships will be televised and the viewer can purchase events to view.

It is on a paper view channel.

What's the difference between skateboard tricks and my political views?

Nothing, people call them "sick" and "radical".

Why do Redditor love Nikola Tesla?

Because Tesla is how every Redditor views themselves. An undervalued, unappreciated genius who had an Edison in their life that stole everything from them.

I used to view smokers as rude due to the harmful effects of secondhand smoke.

Now that assisted-suicide is legal, I view them as polite.

I went to view a house yesterday with period features...

She hates it when I call her that.

I was chatting to my mate from Liverpool.

Me: So what have you got your kids for Christmas?

Him: I got the youngest a trampoline and the

other 2 a bike each I found on the internet.

Me: What website were they on?

Him: Google Earth Street View.

What did Polyphemus say when his wife asked him about his view on Odysseus?

"I have no idea."

Enjoying the views...

You: So..did you enjoy your trip to the Swiss Alps?

Me: Yes, it was amazing.

You: Did you enjoy the views?

Me: Mmm...No.

You: Why?

Me: The Mountains blocked the view.

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An ugly man is sitting alone in a bar when suddenly a beautiful woman approaches him.

The woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?"

The man is stunned as he never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees.

They both get into his car and drive out past the edge of town. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city.

Wit...

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