I was wondering why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe but not in África. Then i realised vampires are killed by holy water.

They bless the rains down in Africa .






Credits to u/Josh1804

What do you call a prescription opioid abuser who realise their stupidity but won't stop anyway?

an oxymoron

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One day a girl realised she was growing hair between her legs

She asked her mom what it was and her mom replied back 'the part where the hair is growing is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey is growing hair'

During dinner she told her sister that her monkey had grown hair and the sister replied 'that's nothing, mine is already eating banan...

Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the hell was wrong with you?

Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.

Judge: Hit the 2 ...

A man is sitting in a taxi in Newcastle on his way home to Sunderland. He realises he recognises the taxi driver- and with great enthusiasm mentions this. "I know you! You picked me and the missus up that time from the train station and took us to the airport! Remember?"...

The taxi driver, who sees hundreds of different people every day, smiles politely and replies "Maybe.", rather unconvincingly. A typical, though nevertheless unbearable awkwardness follows whereupon the driver says "Riddle me this...". The passenger sits up straight and prepares for thinking.
...

i was playing a game earlier and the other team was really good and i'm new so i left. and then i realised i didn't rage quit i parent quit

i wasn't mad just disappointed.

I just realised you can't smile while blinking super fast

Not even a joke.just wanted you to smile

I finally realised that my parents favour my twin brother.

It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.

A detective story

11:45 - arrived at crime scene

11:45 - Examined body. Signs of struggle

11:45 - Found murder weapon in drain

11:45 - Realised watch was broken

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A boy was having sex with a girl on a railway track.

The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it..
He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple.

Driver jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who just finished and is standing up and zipping up his pants...

The driver sho...

Welcome to Australia!

A British national travelling to Australia on holiday is stopped at customs after getting off the plane. There, the customs agent asks him, "business or pleasure?"

"Pleasure," he replies.

"Anything to declare?"

"Does jet lag count?" the Brit asks with a cheesy smile. The Aussie ...

I just realised something really coincidental.

Units of time can correlate to words of inferiority. For example,

* second = second (second place)
* week = weak
* fortnight = Fortnite

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A king summons three of his most loyal subjects to a meeting

The king looks at the first man, who was named Rand.

"Rand, kiss my hand!" he orders.

Rand obeys him and kisses his hand. The king looks at the second subject, who was called Lee.

"Lee, kiss my knee!"

Lee obeys and kisses his king's knee. The king turns in the direction o...

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A black kid puts powder on his face and realised he looked white

So he went down to his mom and said
“Look mom I’m white”.

His mother tells him
“Don’t do that, it’s not funny now go wash up”.

The kid then goes to his dad who said
“Why are you doing stupid things. Now go clean up”.

The kid disappointed with his parents reaction say...

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how did you realise that you've gotten old?

i did when i realised that i haven't had sex with a priest in like 20 years!

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I realised the other day that I was using fake shit on my hair.

That's why I stopped using sham-poo.

When you think about a blackboard for long enough you realise something.

It truly is remarkable.

Man is drinking late at night at the bar and when he gets up he realises he can’t even walk.

He assumes that he had enough and decides to go home. He succesfully crawls to his home and quietly sneaks into the bed without awaking his wife. He passes out thinking that his wife will never find out.

In the morning his wife tells him. ,,You were drunk again last night!”

He respond...

When I was small my parents used to bath me in cheap Australian lager

It wasn't until I was 18 I realised I had been Fostered

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Watched the weirdest porn today of some sad old man, masturbating.

Then I realised I forgot to turn the screen on.

I just realised my new electric toothbrush is not waterproof

I was shocked.

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A nun, a hot blonde, a German and a Frenchman are sitting in a train compartment.

They don‘t know each other and are minding their own business. The train drives into a tunnel and it gets so dark in the compartment that you could not see your own hand in front of your eyes.

Suddenly a violently loud slapping noise rips into the silence. When the train leaves the tunnel ev...

reading the posts here in r/jokes i realised two things

/- the 75% of you has problem grammer in english


/- the other 45% struggle with maths

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

A man sees a boy at the park eating an apple and seperating all of the apple seeds into a pile of individual seeds. The curious man walks up to the boy and asks..

Man: hi there, why are you seperating all of the apple seeds?

Boy:it's been proven that apple seeds will make you incredibly smarter, so I intend to sell these.

Man: how much?

Boy: $100 per seed

Man: fine, i'll take three

The man pays the boy, eats the seeds and st...

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There once was a man with an extremely high-pitched voice

(For retelling, ^(superscript) is high-pitched/falsetto voice)

He had since long passed puberty, but while his friends got deep, manly voices, his remained so high that he ^(spoke like this). Ever since then, it had been a tremendous source of insecurity. Now, he was in his thirties, and he r...

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The more I speak to my therapist

the more I realise that he might not actually be real.

A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip.

He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose in the breeze, his shirt wrinkled and untucked, with his face covered in bushy bumblebee beard stubble.

He recklessly flies into the main entrance, nearly knocking over a fa...

I have come to realise how bad hairdressers are to have as friends.

They are always talking about you behind your back.

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A man walks into a bar with a donkey and an ostrich.

He sits down at the counter and asks for a beer.

“That will be 5.98$, sir.”, the bartender says.

The man, puts his hand into his pocket and pulls out 5 dollars and 98 cents in exact change.

“How much will it cost to buy everyone here a round of drinks?”, the man asks, taking a s...

A man dies and goes to heaven

Because he always helped everyone St.Peter says he could have his afterlife wherever he wants.
First they go to the place where the people are who had been neither bad nor good. They watch movies and eat sweets.
After that they go to hell. Here the people are having a lot of fun. Famous musici...

Warning: When I came back from a walk this morning I realised I might have touched something infectious,

so I duly scrubbed and washed. Then I noticed that my hand had turned bright red and was feeling really hot. What was worse, each of my fingers had grown two little horns on the top. I tell you, that's the last time I'm using that hand sataniser.

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Royal Wedding

On the day of the Royal wedding,Sophie was getting dressed,surrounded by all
of her family. She suddenly realised she’d forgotten to get any shoes.
Panic!

Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately...

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I was watching a porno and it was just this fat dude crying and jerking off

then I realised I hadn't turned my computer on yet

The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realised I only had a £20 note... ...I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"

I decided I didn't so I gave him the money

A mail man is delivering a package when he realises that the send to address is the same as the send back to address

This package keeps getting sent around in a circle for weeks before he finally sees a man come and get it.

“I’m sorry for snooping , but I have to ask, why do you keep sending this one package to yourself everyday. It’s just weird,”

The odd old man replies” well my fellow man, reposts ...

My dog was walking a little weird but then I realised...

He had two left feet.

Once management wants you fired, you’ll be fired

A king had 10 wild ferocious dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him. A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn't like at all. So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said, "I have served you loyally f...

People are shocked when they realise I am not good at my job...

I am an electrician.

Unpacking my bag after arriving at the hotel in Spain and realise I forgot to pack my toiletries bag...

After the long flight I desperately needed some stuff from my bag so without hesitation went to the closest shop. I asked the Spanish man behind the counter if he had any deodorant, he replied in a broken English accent “ball or aerosol” confused I said “no no just for my armpits please”

Once I started spending my own money, I realised that my mother was right.

We do have food at home.

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A woman goes to the pharmacist and asks for five kilos of arsenic.

The chemist says, "That's very dangerous, what do you want it for?"
Wife replies, "I'm giving it to my husband. He had an affair"
Chemist says, "Oh no, I could get in a lot of trouble for giving you that"
Wife goes into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband.....having sex with the ...

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A husband and wife go to a therapist

Therapist: So, what’s the problem here?
Wife: He won’t stop making bad jokes.
Husband: She’s upset because I wouldn’t stop investing in Egyptian tourism... until I realised it was just a pyramid scheme.

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Today my classmate told me: "I have a problem with degenerate homos". I was outraged by his bigoted words..

..until I realised he was talking about our physics homework!

(Glossary: Degenerate - Having the same energy level. HOMO - Highest Occupied Molecular Orbital)

I woke up this morning and realised I didn't have to go to school today. I was so happy...

then I remembered I'm an unemployed 43-year-old.

I didn’t realise how dangerous it was to have a dyslexic boss.

Until I got fried.

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The Three Challenges

**TL;DR:** Jokes don't have TL;DRs.

A man named Andrew walks into a bar, makes his way to the stool and asks the bartender for some Whiskey, on the rocks.

As the bartender serves Andrew his order, his eyes fall on a relatively large jar of money filled with $100 bills. He gets curious...

Donald Trump and his wife Melania have tested positive for coronavirus.

I didn’t realise they were that close!

I realised the other day that I’m colourblind

That came out of the yellow

My teacher gave me an F...

So I gave her daughter a D.


But then I realised I was homeschooled.

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A man and his wife doing 69 and when they finish up he realises he still has to go to the dentist.

He then dashes to the bathroom to go and brush his teeth, constantly smelling his breath to make sure his breath doesn’t smell like his wife’s pussy. He eats some chewing gum and even takes mints with him. He arrives at the dentist and eats some more mints just to make sure.

He’s finally call...

Corona is like your wife

Initially you try to control it, but then you realise you can't and then try to live with it.

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A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder...

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me".
...

St. Peter conducts a census in heaven and realises someone is missing.

So he goes to the computer and realises that an engineer accidentally landed up in hell. He get’s on the phone to Old Nick.

St. Peter: So, Nick, we have an issue with this engineering guy Robert. He is supposed to be with us. Can you send him up?

Nick: Bob? No way. Not going to. Since...

A new general was allotted to a new army base

After some time in the base he realised how there were two army men guarding an empty bench all the time. He asked his colleagues and his juniors what it was all about. A colleague said “I don’t know but it’s been happening since I joined 35 years ago.” The general confused as he was went through th...

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2 guys are watching a naked man free fall from a cliff

one guy says: I thought he was crazy at first, but now I realise he has got balls of steel

the other says: Yes, i know. And its making him fall even faster!!


(original joke, hope you like!!)

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So there I was, balls deep in a jar of peanut butter,

then I realised I'm fucking nuts.

Tom was not home at his usual hour and his wife was fuming.

Finally around 3am she heard a noise at the front door and, as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.

“Do you realise what time it is?!?” she stammered.

He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought som...

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I always wanted to make a joke that would make everyone laugh their asses off.

But then I realised that if I did do that, I would have to pay for all of the ass reattachment surgeries.

As i’ve grown older, I realised the number of people i’ve lost along the way have increased.

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t suited tor me.

Two men meet in hell...

Person 1: You seem like a nice guy. How did you die?

Person 2: Hypothermia from staying in the fridge for too long. You?

Person 1: I wanted to suprise my wife by coming early from a buisness trip than I told her.
When I arrived I was sure she cheated on me, I could hear sound comin...

I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.

It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.

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Bar joke

Man walks into a bar with an octopus, bartender asks him to leave, man says "this is a special octopus and he can play any instrument in the world", bartender says "if thats true not only can you stay but your drinks are free". Man sits down and the bartender passes a flute, sure enough the octopus ...

I bought an LP of wasp noises.

I bought an LP of wasp noises. When I played it the first track didn't sound like a wasp, nor did the second track. It was then I realised I was listening to the B side.

An chinese dad sees his newborn child and is startled when he realises the kid is clearly white.

He runs to the doctor and asks:

"Doctor, is it even medically possible for me and my wife - both chinese - to have a caucasian-looking baby?"

The doctor, turns to him, thinks for a bit, and replies:

"No. Two Wongs don't make a white."

Automation is taking over more industries than you'd realise.

They've already replaced the BBC weatherman with a recording of someone saying 'Rain'.

Mixed up two shipments at work but nobody realised

I actually was pretty lucky that both were closed caskets.

My best friend passed away recently..

Grieving before his grave I said,

“Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?

A month later, my wife gave birth to a baby boy. As my child grew older each day, I realised he looks a lot like my best friend.

I’m rea...

There were 2 best friends

They had messed up their last minute cooking plan and decided to go out for dinner. By the time they reached the restaurant, they realised that they both forget their wallets.

The first guy said "I can't really go back to my house now because I live in an apartment and the folks would be slee...

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It was weeks leading up to my prom, I didn’t have a date yet...

So I asked this girl in my class to go with me, and I knew I had to pull out all the stops.

I wanted to buy her flowers and chocolates when I asked her, so I went to the florist but when I got there there was a 15 minute line that I had to wait. I thought ‘Thats fine, it’s prom season’. I wai...

Just got home and realised Staples had sold me a packet of cardboard instead of paper.

I’m writing them a stiff letter.

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I used to be into Sadomasochism, necrophilia and beastiality....

... until I realised I was just flogging a dead horse

Every joke has a victim:

it's just whether or not they realise it that matters.

I still remember the day I realised my girlfriend was a keeper!

She had massive gloves on.

3 Drunk Men Entered A Taxi

Three drunk men entered a taxi. The taxi driver noticed that they were drunk, so he started the engine and turned it off again, without actually moving the car at all. Then, he said "We have reached your destination.". The first guy handed him the money, while the second guy said "Thank you.". The t...

Waking groggily, I remembered flying off my motorbike...

The smell and sounds quickly made me realise that I was in a hospital, but something wasn't right.

I reached down to feel my legs, but sat up and screamed as I felt nothing!

It was only then that I noticed the doctor standing by the end of my bed who raised his eyebrows in surprise and...

2021 will be the year...

That everyone realises, hindsight is 2020.

I used to feel guilty about getting rid of old shoes until I realised they were going to a better place.

It turns out that shoes have soles.

I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...

I was Nun the Wiser.

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There was a fly buzzing about one foot above the river. A trout saw the fly and thought, ‘If that fly comes down six inches, I can jump out of the water and catch it’.

What the trout didn’t see was a bear hiding behind the bush who also saw the fly and realised what the trout was up to and thought, ‘If I wait until the fly drops six inches, the trout will jump and I’ll catch the trout’.

There was a hunter watching the bear watching the trout watching the f...

A French Man was Teaching his English Girlfriend to Swim

After the third lesson, the man said to his girlfriend, “ok, you’ve now learnt enough. I’ll let you to swim on your own”
He then went out to relax by the pool side on the sun bed, as he watched his girlfriend practise her newly learnt skills.
After swimming for a while in the shallow end of th...

A doctor walked into a bar...

Every day after his shift got over. He would always order the same thing. A hazelnut daquiri. The bartender became familiar with this routine, and would always put up a glass at precisely 5:03 PM for the doctor.

One day, as the doctor's time approached, the bartender realised he was out of ha...

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What did Hitler say when he realised that the war was lost?

“I did Nazi that coming”

I woke up with a really stiff neck. I got out of bed, went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, my face was white as a sheet! i had a big red nose, bright red fuzzy hair and a really tiny bowler hat on top. I turned on the tap and glitter poured out. Then i realised what had happened..

I slept funny.

I saw a car with a bumper stocker saying:

"I"m a vet, therefore I can drive like an animal."

Suddenly I realised how many gynaecologists there are on the roads.

I realised at the last minute that i forgot my protective goggles at the nuclear test facility this morning. My line manager saved my vision and shielded me from the intense light!

He's my super visor

When I first realised that the two most fundamental mathematics constants spell pie I nearly died

Couldn't find my epi pen

I bought a 12ft tall multiplication symbol and just realised I can also use it as an addition symbol too.

That's a big plus.

When I realised I had lost my favourite spanner...

It was a real wrench.

I just went up into the loft to fetch the last of the Christmas presents down and realised I’d left a present I bought for my wife up there from last year, totally forgot about it...

It’s a real shame, she’d have loved that puppy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young boy realises his mother is cheating on his father...

He hides in the closet. When his dad comes home, the visitor jumps in the closest as well, to hide. The boy says,

"Gee, sure is dark in here."

"I guess it is," says the man.

"Tell you what," says the boy, "I'll sell you my baseball bat for $500 dollars. Don't buy it, and I'll te...

It took me almost a decade of marriage and several failed attempts of trying to realise it

Im not capable of making dad jokes

I was wondering why British people pronounce it as Bri-ish.

Then I realised that they drank all the tea.

I woke up this morning and realised I couldn't stand Up.

But then I realised I can't stand most Pixar movies.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two prawns named Christian and Jason are swimming together on a reef

Being near the bottom of the food chain, both are in danger of being eaten and are constantly scared of any larger fish. Christian loves his life despite the odds, but Jason is unhappy. He wishes to no longer be scared. "Wouldn't it be great if we were the top of the food chain?" Jason says, "imagin...

Romie couldn’t take his eyes off of Julie

and so one day he plucked up the courage to ask her out on a date. He told her to meet him at the new fancy Italian restaurant at 7pm.

Romie got their early and Julie arrived at bang on 7pm as agreed. They both walk in to the restaurant and the waiter takes them to a romantic table alone in ...

Nailed it.

A Swedish guy was building a house. After having completed the foundation he went on to the walls. And while putting in the nails, he realised that holding the planks while nailing them would be easier if he had help. So he walked over to his new neighbour; a Danish guy. His neighbour agreed to help...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favourite joke :)

A guy driving a nice new Mercedes parks along the side of a road and opens the door but a car drives by at the same time and rips the door off the car before coming to a stop.

The Mercedes driver runs up to the car and starts yelling at the driver: ‘look at what you’ve done to my brand new M...

I bought ten bananas and began peeling each one as perfectly as I could. After finishing the seventh banana and beginning the next, I realised I had missed a small piece of the peel, just near the top. So being a total perfectionist I stuck the peel back on and did it again ...

Yes folks, it seems I just re\-peeled the eighth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johhny was playing with a bottle in the street

when a priest happend to be walking by and said "what are you doing there sonny"
he said, "im playing with this bottle of sulphuric acid"
The priest, shocked said "don't you realise thats very dangerous!? Here, look. I'll trade you this bottle of Holy water.
Little Johnny said "oh, no way"...

The top executives of the Budweiser beer company decide they need a fresh, new marketing initiative. One suggests that the Catholic church, being a well known, global brand just like themselves, would be a suitable sponsorship partner, so they send two of their most persuasive directors to Rome.

They are granted an audience with the Pope and explain that they want a commercial link-up with the Vatican. This would, of course, involve some careful 'product placement'. What they suggest is that the words in the Lord's prayer , 'Give us this day our daily bread', be replaced with, 'Give us this...

I have learnt that beauty is only skin-deep. That once you pull back the layers, you realise...

Being a cannibal isn't for everyone.

A friend has 2 tickets in a corporate box for the World cup final game Sun 15th July He paid £500 each including flights but he didn't realise when he bought them months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding! He is looking for someone to take his place

It's at Sheffield Town Hall at 4pm. Her name is Nicola -- she's 5'4", about 8 stone, quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook. Message me for more details.

Four Turtles Are About To Have Lunch Near Their Home In The Forrest

Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael and Michelangelo are getting set when they realise they forgot the ketchup.


They start arguing who should go and get it, and after a hassle three of them agreed that Michelangelo should go and get it.


Mickey says I'll get it only if you wait for me ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I went to a Japanese restaurant for the first time, I couldn't understand why this condiment stung a lot. But then I realised..

It was a bee.

A fitness freak is out for a run one day. She's having a great run, tunes playing through her ear buds, sun shining.

As she sprints blissfully across a road, a massive truck ploughs into her.

The next thing she's aware of is she's standing in a shiny, beautiful place and inately realises, this must be Heaven.

Sure enough, an angel approaches her and tells her, yes she's now in Heaven and gives her a ...

An aging farmer decided it was time for his youngest son to start pulling his weight around the farm.

His older, strong-armed and favoured son, Basil worked hard every day, getting up extra early every morning to milk the cow before dutifully doing the rest of his chores.

The farmers delicious milk became very popular around the area with neighbours often walking miles in for a glass and some...

Man walks into a pub **very poor taste joke***

Man walks into a pub and as he sits at the bar he notices the man next to him has a dog

"that's a nice dog mate" he says

"Yeah says the bloke it's a mongel"

Sorry mate don't you mean mongrel?

Two minutes later the dog jumps up at the bar

and the man says

"D...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I realised how perverted and wrong touching someone's butt is, but it was when i slapped a statue...

When i realised that i've hit rock bottom.

Last Sunday, on Mother's Day, I realised that it

...wasn't Mother's Day after all, so there's no need to panic.

Finally I've realised the truth!

7/11 was a part time job

There was this little 9 year old blind kid, and one day he said to his mom, "Mom, All I've ever wanted was to see."

His mom said, "Well son it's your lucky day, today is the last day of March, and if you pray your hardest,your prayers will be answered."

So the little boy goes to bed 2 hours early and starts praying himself to sleep.

He wakes up half way through the night and realises that the night ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At a young age I realised I was allergic to communion wine

It would always make me sleepy and I’d wake up with a sore arse

Tom absolutely loves tractors

A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.

As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys wer...

A time traveler arrives in the year 2069 and decides to check in with Reddit to see if it's still around.

To his surprise it is. So he heads to /r/jokes to see what has developed in the world of humor.

To his surprise, each post consisted of just a number. Scrolling through, he saw that each vote had a hundreds of upvotes while 3527 had thousands and several awards to boot.

Puzzled, he ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bad joke

A guy finds a genie and says his wish is to fuck a goddess in a golden garden. He gets it, has some awkward sex in a lush garden with golden plants and teleports back to the genie. He then realised his mistake and asks the samething as a second wish. This time, before the goddess appears, he starts ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having an argument with a big fat ugly twat the other day and everything I said he repeated, this went on for over an hour, then I realised I was looking at a mirror.

On reflection, I suppose he was right.

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