UPJOKE
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Realise Jokes

A woman tries getting on a bus but realises her skirt is too tight.

As the bus stopped & it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed & with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little thinking that this...

Two men are playing golf when one realises he's left his jacket at the last tee

He goes back to get it, stops halfway and turns back.
"What's up?" asks his mate.
"Well, you see those two women at the tee. One's my wife, and she's playing with my mistress."
His mate laughs and says, "No worries, I'll go get it for you."
He stops halfway, comes back, looks at his mate...

A man is at the checkout line of a supermarket when he realises he forgot to buy condoms

A man is at the checkout line of a supermarket when he realises he forgot to buy condoms.

When his turn arrives, he looks at the cashier and asks "I'm sorry, I forgot to buy condoms, can you ask someone to bring me a packet?"

"That's fine", she tells him, "what size do you need?". He'...

Did you realise that 3 out of 4 people...

make up 75% of the population?

I just realised

The orphanage is the safest place to crack yo mama jokes

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A girl realised that she had grown hair between her legs.

She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.

Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” …. the girl smiled.

At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.”

Her sister smiled and said, “T...

I finally realised my parents favoured my twin brother...

It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party

I thought by now you'd realise

A taxidermist and his apprentice are working late into the night to get their big project done - a full size lion on a purpose built stand. This once-mighty big cat had been killed in a fight with another lion, and was being fixed up for display at a natural history museum. The taxidermist had skill...

Am I the only one to realise that,

if we all worked together to accelerate climate change, the melting polar ice caps would put out the bush fires in Australia?

Just realised something....

20 years too late but we finally got a millennium bug.


Sorry if you're too young to get this lol

Looking back, I now realise how cruel I was, as a child, making our cat play with one of the goldfish.

He nearly drowned

Why don't churches have Wi-Fi?

They don't want to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

Edit: Alright I've got it lol, TIL churches have wi-fi

Edit 2: ok guys really I get it, churches have wif-fi, no need for every redditor to tell me, 200 is enough

Edit 3: I'm beginning to realise these edit...

Have you ever realised how pretty the second letter of the word hive is?

I've always said that beauty is in the I of the bee holder

What is one thing that Egyptian kids do not realise?

That their Daddies will eventually become Mummies...

11:38 - Arrived at crime scene.

11:38 - Examined body. Signs of a struggle.

11:38 - Found murder weapon in drain.

11:38 - Realised watch was broken.

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A tattoo artist went to a coffee place and ordered coffee but forgot his wallet...

so he tells the woman at the counter that he can't pay for it. The woman gets angry at first and then asks "What can we do about this situation?" The tattoo artist says "Well I can give you a tattoo for free instead and we can call it even". The woman thinks for a while, reluctantly agrees to it and...

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A king summons three of his most loyal subjects to a meeting

The king looks at the first man, who was named Rand.

"Rand, kiss my hand!" he orders.

Rand obeys him and kisses his hand. The king looks at the second subject, who was called Lee.

"Lee, kiss my knee!"

Lee obeys and kisses his king's knee. The king turns in the direction o...

I didn’t realise how difficult it was being an electrician until I tried it myself

I was shocked

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I've realised that I can speak to the dead

A shame really, since they can't hear me for shit

When I first realised I was a conjoined twin.....

I was beside myself!

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Just realised that the Oscars next week is a big fucking lie all the way along...

Those people they invite to their ceremonies, are all paid actors.

I was wondering why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe but not in África. Then i realised vampires are killed by holy water.

They bless the rains down in Africa .






Credits to u/Josh1804

Mixed up two shipments at work but nobody realised

I actually was pretty lucky that both were closed caskets.

I just realised you can't smile while blinking super fast

Not even a joke.just wanted you to smile

Officer: excuse me sir, do You realise your wife fell out of your car about 5 miles back?

Man: thanks for telling me officer, I thought I had gone deaf.

Jeff Bezos is getting divorced

He must have realised that marriage counted as a union

I just realised something really coincidental.

Units of time can correlate to words of inferiority. For example,

* second = second (second place)
* week = weak
* fortnight = Fortnite

Accordion to scientific studies, 90% ..

of people do not realise I replaced the beginning of this joke with a musical instrument.

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I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat cunt sitting there holding his cock.

Then I realised the telly wasn't on.

Who runs Mexican Amazon?

Jeff Pesos

It's a silly joke but I thought of it on my own today! I found a 200 peso bill on the ground today and I was saying pesos in different accents out loud with a coworker when the joke popped into my head. I don't think I've heard it anywhere before. After I got home and searched it h...

I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.

It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.

Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the hell was wrong with you?

Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.

Judge: Hit the 2 ...

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I realise I was Dyslexic and gay...

When I was in daniel.

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A black kid puts powder on his face and realised he looked white

So he went down to his mom and said
“Look mom I’m white”.

His mother tells him
“Don’t do that, it’s not funny now go wash up”.

The kid then goes to his dad who said
“Why are you doing stupid things. Now go clean up”.

The kid disappointed with his parents reaction say...

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A police captain moved to a small town, upon his arrival the locals warned him there were no women in town ...

He was told that whenever he wanted to get laid he should come near the river and wait for his turn.

He never spoke about the issue with people in town until couple of months in the new job, the captain realised he could no longer wait.

He rushed to the river and saw a long line of men...

When you think about a blackboard for long enough you realise something.

It truly is remarkable.

My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

I do feel bad about it all...

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A redditor is searching for the funniest joke of all time, so he subscribes to r/jokes.

After a short while, and a few small chuckles, he realises he's reading the same shit over and over again, post after post.

"I'm never going to find a real joke", he thinks.

He sighs and tilts his head in dismay. Looking down he starts to read the thread and it hits him...

That awesome moment when you realise...

...in 2020 it will be 4/20 for a whole month.

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I was watching a porno and it was just this fat dude crying and jerking off

then I realised I hadn't turned my computer on yet

TIFU when my wife asked when I knew I loved her.

I said "We were in Rome, the way you knew so much about the city like it was second nature to you. But I never felt you were condescending to me when I'd ask stupid questions. I saw how much you knew, how passionate you could be. I'd been bored by all the old buildings, but you brought it all to lif...

I have come to realise how bad hairdressers are to have as friends.

They are always talking about you behind your back.

What do you call a prescription opioid abuser who realise their stupidity but won't stop anyway?

an oxymoron

reading the posts here in r/jokes i realised two things

/- the 75% of you has problem grammer in english


/- the other 45% struggle with maths

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I finally realised...

If four people having sex is called a foursome,
And three people having sex is a threesome,
Thats why people call me handsome

I didn’t realise how dangerous it was to have a dyslexic boss.

Until I got fried.

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I (31m) just had the most uncomfortable experience of my life

I've always kinda wanted an iPhone but never had one before, so I go to the Apple Store to have a look. So there I am, when this middle aged guy comes up next to me, like really close. And then he starts asking me if I like the new iPhone, what do I think about the camera, am I thinking of getting o...

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It is only when a mosquito lands on your testicles, that you realise...

...there is always a way to solve problems, without using violence.

When I realised I had lost my favourite spanner...

It was a real wrench.

I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid.

Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.

"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"

The doctor strolled i...

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People sometimes ask me when I realised I was gay...

I remember the moment clearly... I was talking to a friend, explaining some minor life problem that I wasn't sure what to do about, and so he sighed and said "fuck man"...

and I thought, "hey, that's not a bad idea actually..."

My dog was walking a little weird but then I realised...

He had two left feet.

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A man went to the doctor but was embarrassed when he realised it was a female doctor.

"What seems to be the problem?" asked the doctor.

"I don't want to show you, you'll laugh" replied the man timidly.

The doctor tried her best to reassure the man. "I've been a doctor for twenty three years, never once have I laughed at a patient. I assure you, whatever the problem is, ...

scarlet johansson

There’s an airline crash in the Pacific. The only two survivors are a young man, Steve, and an unconscious young woman.

Steve finds the young woman clinging to a piece of debris. He tows her to a small, deserted atoll.

The young woman does not regain consciousness for a week. In the me...

An chinese dad sees his newborn child and is startled when he realises the kid is clearly white.

He runs to the doctor and asks:

"Doctor, is it even medically possible for me and my wife - both chinese - to have a caucasian-looking baby?"

The doctor, turns to him, thinks for a bit, and replies:

"No. Two Wongs don't make a white."

St. Peter conducts a census in heaven and realises someone is missing.

So he goes to the computer and realises that an engineer accidentally landed up in hell. He get’s on the phone to Old Nick.

St. Peter: So, Nick, we have an issue with this engineering guy Robert. He is supposed to be with us. Can you send him up?

Nick: Bob? No way. Not going to. Since...

I was going to tell a joke about fencing

But then I realised it might just be a riposte

A Muslim, a Hindu and a lawyer are travelling through the desert…

They’ve tried to make good time in their travels, but find that night will fall before they can make it to the next town. Luckily they find a farm nearby, and they ask the farmer if they can stay for the night. When he agrees, not wanting to impose too much, they set their sleeping rolls in his barn...

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A young boy realises his mother is cheating on his father...

He hides in the closet. When his dad comes home, the visitor jumps in the closest as well, to hide. The boy says,

"Gee, sure is dark in here."

"I guess it is," says the man.

"Tell you what," says the boy, "I'll sell you my baseball bat for $500 dollars. Don't buy it, and I'll te...

I never realised Dwayne Johnson lived in the apartment above us.

All this time we had been living under a rock.

I still remember the day I realised my girlfriend was a keeper!

She had massive gloves on.

I never realised how close "f" and "t" were on the keyboard...

...not until I texted my wife and told her I'd tucked our daughter in, anyway.

I woke up this morning and realised I couldn't stand Up.

But then I realised I can't stand most Pixar movies.

I used to hate Math. But then I realised...

*...decimals have a point.*

Last Sunday, on Mother's Day, I realised that it

...wasn't Mother's Day after all, so there's no need to panic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Hitler say when he realised that the war was lost?

“I did Nazi that coming”

Burglars are getting very clever these days..

Last night, my wife woke me up..

*Darling! Darling! There's a burglar downstairs!!*

So I go down, check every room and don't find anyone.

Then I realised I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

Fixed to the spot, the squirrel realised ...

he'd buried the wrong nuts.

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At a young age I realised I was allergic to communion wine

It would always make me sleepy and I’d wake up with a sore arse

Once I started spending my own money, I realised that my mother was right.

We do have food at home.

Unpacking my bag after arriving at the hotel in Spain and realise I forgot to pack my toiletries bag...

After the long flight I desperately needed some stuff from my bag so without hesitation went to the closest shop. I asked the Spanish man behind the counter if he had any deodorant, he replied in a broken English accent “ball or aerosol” confused I said “no no just for my armpits please”

An officer pulls up at the scene of an accident

where a car has driven through a field, killed several livestock and crashed into a barn. He decides to interview Steve who is struggling to keep his balance and is being propped up by Karen.







"Been out for a few have we mate?" asks the officer.





...

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I didn't realise how lonely I was...

I didn't realise how lonely I was, until I decided my favourite sexual position was right-handed.

It took me almost a decade of marriage and several failed attempts of trying to realise it

Im not capable of making dad jokes

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I was making an apple pie and realised I was missing an important ingredient. [long]

I got a rather verbose birthday card some time back containing a story - this is my retelling of it:

I was making an apple pie and realised I was missing an important ingredient.

Unfortunately, I was up to my elbows in sticky mixture and didn't really want to have to go through the faf...

After spending all day looking for the perfect vacuum I finally realised...

They all suck

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Just realised why careers advisors are shit

they couldn't even pick their own career

As i’ve grown older, I realised the number of people i’ve lost along the way have increased.

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t suited tor me.

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Two cannibals sat by a fire the 1st one says

"I'm going to become a vegan".

The other one says "me too"

The 1st one says " you do realise we have totally fucked up this joke now it won't be funny "

The other one says "yeh well that's vegans for you"

I used to feel guilty about getting rid of old shoes until I realised they were going to a better place.

It turns out that shoes have soles.

Today I realised that eating ice cream isn't filling the emptiness I feel inside.

But I'm no quitter.

I dreamed this joke

Seems quite strange, but in my dream I came up with this joke, and upon waking it actually makes sense as a joke to my great surprise. Usually when you have flashes of inspiration in a dream you wake up and realise it made absolutely zero sense.

Here's the joke.

Two horses were best ...

A Muslim delivered my lunch today.

Didn't realise I was eating Allah carte.

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

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Over the past year, my sexual fetishes have been slowly getting more perverse.

But it wasn't until I spanked a statue that I realised I'd hit rock bottom.

I have learnt that beauty is only skin-deep. That once you pull back the layers, you realise...

Being a cannibal isn't for everyone.

A king had 10 wild dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.

A king had 10 wild dogs.
He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.

A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn’t like at all…
So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said,
"I served you loyall...

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Two Jews die and wait outside the pearly gates.

While waiting they realise that they both survived the same concentration camp.

After some chatting, one says to the other: "remember that time when the guard pushed you onto the electric fence and you almost died?" A second of silence passes and suddenly they both start laughing hystericall...

Just realised mountains are a bit of a joke...

...because they're hill areas

A man walks into a bar

And orders a drink. Whilst drinking it, a massively scarred Asian dude stumbles in the bar.

"What happened?" The man asks as he downs his drink.

"There's a dragon 10km east from here." The Asian dude rasps before passing out.

So the Man gets on his bike and travels 10km east an...

I realised today i cant be a comedian because my jokes are so stupid

Only my friends would understand them

I thought the math exam was bad enough. But when I finished i realised...

I had to deal with the aftermath.

Just got home and realised Staples had sold me a packet of cardboard instead of paper.

I’m writing them a stiff letter.

The first time I realised I was dyslexic...

Was when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

When I first realised that the two most fundamental mathematics constants spell pie I nearly died

Couldn't find my epi pen

I realised I had made a mistake when I tried to kill myself.

I was dangling with the noose around my neck, and a man came up to me. I gasped at him with my last breaths "What would it take for you to cut me down?" But he just stood there silently as I waited for his answer.

I hate it when people keep me hanging.

I woke up this morning and realised I didn't have to go to school today. I was so happy...

then I remembered I'm an unemployed 43-year-old.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 women go out drinking and after a heavy night and a lot of alcohol, decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery.

Whilst taking the shortcut they both have the urge to pee so they duck down behind the gravestones and pee. They realise they have nothing to wipe with, so the first woman decides to use her pants and leaves them there. The second woman was luckier, she found a bouquet of flowers and unwrapped them ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy was having sex with a girl on a railway track.

The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it..
He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple.

Driver jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who just finished and is standing up and zipping up his pants...

The driver sho...

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I was going number 2 when i realised there was no more toilet paper

It scared the shit out of me. I guess I don't need to wipe anymore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The other day I visited the thrift shop and picked up an old record album called ‘Sound of Wasps’.

When I got home and played it I realised it didn’t sound anything like wasps!

Turns out I’d been playing the Bee side.

I finally realised why Oscar Pistorius lost his trial

Because from a legal point he didn't have a leg to stand on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today i realised that Kung Fu Panda was actually a very progressive movie

Not only is the protagonist such a minority that he is literally an endangered species, he is also portrayed by a Black man

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his wife doing 69 and when they finish up he realises he still has to go to the dentist.

He then dashes to the bathroom to go and brush his teeth, constantly smelling his breath to make sure his breath doesn’t smell like his wife’s pussy. He eats some chewing gum and even takes mints with him. He arrives at the dentist and eats some more mints just to make sure.

He’s finally call...

Growing up, I always wanted to be someone. Now that I'm old, I've realised

I should have been more specific.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I realised how perverted and wrong touching someone's butt is, but it was when i slapped a statue...

When i realised that i've hit rock bottom.

A man flying in a hot air balloon realises he is lost.

He reduces his altitude, spots a man in a field down below and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man replies, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

"I am. How did you know?" says the man. ...

A mail man is delivering a package when he realises that the send to address is the same as the send back to address

This package keeps getting sent around in a circle for weeks before he finally sees a man come and get it.

“I’m sorry for snooping , but I have to ask, why do you keep sending this one package to yourself everyday. It’s just weird,”

The odd old man replies” well my fellow man, reposts ...

NSFW On a baking hot day, the Pope steps into the shower to cool down.

He is overcome by the urge to bang one out, and just as he releases the holy seed he sees a flash of reflected sunlight across the street through the open window and realises someone has been taking photos.
Furious, he gets on his shower intercom and demands the Swiss Guard find the photographer ...

Tom was not home at his usual hour and his wife was fuming.

Finally around 3am she heard a noise at the front door and, as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.

“Do you realise what time it is?!?” she stammered.

He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought som...

I bought a 12ft tall multiplication symbol and just realised I can also use it as an addition symbol too.

That's a big plus.

"Knock knock" "Who's there?" "Dave." "Dave who?"

Dave begins to sob uncontrollably as he realises his mother's dementia has worsened.

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