An Arab Sheikh sends his son to France for his studies. A year later the son comes back but the Sheikh realises that something is bothering his son. After some questioning, the son tells his father that he goes to college in his Porsche but the other students come by train. It's not right.

The Sheikh feels terrible, hugs his son and says, 'Don't worry son... I'll buy you a train today!'

Two men are playing golf when one realises he's left his jacket at the last tee

He goes back to get it, stops halfway and turns back.
"What's up?" asks his mate.
"Well, you see those two women at the tee. One's my wife, and she's playing with my mistress."
His mate laughs and says, "No worries, I'll go get it for you."
He stops halfway, comes back, looks at his mate...

John decides to take a different route to office and on the way spots an old guy sitting next to an open pothole shouting loudly at it. As he approaches the old guy he realises the old guy is shouting the words 'TWENTY SEVEN' at the open pothole, almost as if expecting someone to respond from below

He drives past him, goes to office but then while he's returning he sees the old man again, still shouting. Taking pity, he parks his car, goes up to the old guy, and sits next to him, 'Hey buddy... You okay?'
The old man says nothing, just points at the pothole and whimpers.. 'Twenty... Seven'. ...

When I first realised I was a conjoined twin.....

I was beside myself!

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I've realised that I can speak to the dead

A shame really, since they can't hear me for shit

Am I the only one to realise that,

if we all worked together to accelerate climate change, the melting polar ice caps would put out the bush fires in Australia?

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

I didn’t realise how difficult it was being an electrician until I tried it myself

I was shocked

What is one thing that Egyptian kids do not realise?

That their Daddies will eventually become Mummies...

Now its 2021 but do you realise...

Next year will be 2020 too.

I was wondering why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe but not in África. Then i realised vampires are killed by holy water.

They bless the rains down in Africa .






Credits to u/Josh1804

After six long years of marriage, I've realised my wife is a ninja.

I've never seen her coming.

What do you call a prescription opioid abuser who realise their stupidity but won't stop anyway?

an oxymoron

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One day a girl realised she was growing hair between her legs

She asked her mom what it was and her mom replied back 'the part where the hair is growing is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey is growing hair'

During dinner she told her sister that her monkey had grown hair and the sister replied 'that's nothing, mine is already eating banan...

Not a joke but a real incident that happened to an indian acquaintance of mine when he moved to Australia for higher studies..

So he comes out of the airport and gets into the cab.

The Aussie cab driver asked where he is from ?

He replied 'India '.

The cab driver asked ' So did you come to die?'

He froze as it was the times when there were racial attacks by white Aussies on people of indian des...

What do you realise when a brain hungry zombie walks straight past you?

You need a better education.

A man is sitting in a taxi in Newcastle on his way home to Sunderland. He realises he recognises the taxi driver- and with great enthusiasm mentions this. "I know you! You picked me and the missus up that time from the train station and took us to the airport! Remember?"...

The taxi driver, who sees hundreds of different people every day, smiles politely and replies "Maybe.", rather unconvincingly. A typical, though nevertheless unbearable awkwardness follows whereupon the driver says "Riddle me this...". The passenger sits up straight and prepares for thinking.
...

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The other day I visited the thrift shop and picked up an old record album called ‘Sound of Wasps’.

When I got home and played it I realised it didn’t sound anything like wasps!

Turns out I’d been playing the Bee side.

I just realised you can't smile while blinking super fast

Not even a joke.just wanted you to smile

A pregnant woman falls into a coma

After some months she wakes up in a hospital bed and as she gains consciousness she realises that her pregnancy belly is gone.

A doctor is standing next to her bed greeting her. "Hello, you have been in a coma for six months. But don't worry you are on good health and will be released soon!"<...

i was playing a game earlier and the other team was really good and i'm new so i left. and then i realised i didn't rage quit i parent quit

i wasn't mad just disappointed.

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A black kid puts powder on his face and realised he looked white

So he went down to his mom and said
“Look mom I’m white”.

His mother tells him
“Don’t do that, it’s not funny now go wash up”.

The kid then goes to his dad who said
“Why are you doing stupid things. Now go clean up”.

The kid disappointed with his parents reaction say...

Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the hell was wrong with you?

Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.

Judge: Hit the 2 ...

John went to the doctors for a stomach pain that had been bothering him for months.

The doctor quickly identified the problem and prescribed some painkillers to alleviate the symptoms. But he explained:
"They're suppositories, so need to be taken rectally. I'll do the first one for you, so you know how."
So John bends forward and the doctor inserts the first suppository. It's...

I just realised something really coincidental.

Units of time can correlate to words of inferiority. For example,

* second = second (second place)
* week = weak
* fortnight = Fortnite

So, today my boss asked me to pick up 6 cans of Sprite for a meeting.

However, when I returned, I realised that I had picked 7 up instead

When you think about a blackboard for long enough you realise something.

It truly is remarkable.

An English farmer was walking through his field

He spotted a intruder crouched down by his pond. As he approached he realised the man was drinking pond water, cupping his hands.

"Oy ye dinnae wanna drink from there. It be full of hoss an' muck!" shouted the farmer.

The man looked up, startled. "Pardon monsieur but i am french. I am ...

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How to tell you are getting old

When your wife suggests you go upstairs and have sex - and you realise you can do one or the other.

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A man goes into a shoe store looking to buy a pair of boots...

There’s an Irishman behind the counter who pulls out a box of comfortable looking boots for the man.

The man tries on the left boot, a perfect fit. He laces them up and is fairly convinced he’ll be buying them.

“Paddy, this boot’s a perfect fit. Will you pass me the other boot so’s I c...

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I realised the other day that I was using fake shit on my hair.

That's why I stopped using sham-poo.

I just realised my new electric toothbrush is not waterproof

I was shocked.

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A king summons three of his most loyal subjects to a meeting

The king looks at the first man, who was named Rand.

"Rand, kiss my hand!" he orders.

Rand obeys him and kisses his hand. The king looks at the second subject, who was called Lee.

"Lee, kiss my knee!"

Lee obeys and kisses his king's knee. The king turns in the direction o...

reading the posts here in r/jokes i realised two things

/- the 75% of you has problem grammer in english


/- the other 45% struggle with maths

One day I was on vacation...

and I left the hotel to go grab dinner. I was walking along the sidewalk downtown and I see three people standing outside of an unmarked building. So, being the usual tourist, I go up to them and I ask them what they are waiting for.

One guy turns around and says, "Hey, this guy in the store...

I have come to realise how bad hairdressers are to have as friends.

They are always talking about you behind your back.

Two nuns

Late in the night, two nuns were walking in a empty street. Suddenly they realised that a man was following them , they were scared ofcourse, they decided to go separate in two different ways and meet again at the church. They did so. The man choosed one and kept on following
15 mins later th...

I used to like Russian dolls

Until i realised they were full of themselves

A mail man is delivering a package when he realises that the send to address is the same as the send back to address

This package keeps getting sent around in a circle for weeks before he finally sees a man come and get it.

“I’m sorry for snooping , but I have to ask, why do you keep sending this one package to yourself everyday. It’s just weird,”

The odd old man replies” well my fellow man, reposts ...

The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realised I only had a £20 note... ...I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"

I decided I didn't so I gave him the money

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I was carbon-dating a dinosaur the other day, trying to figure out what era it was from

Upon closer inspection, I realised that it didn't have the 3 anuses I was expecting, so I ruled out the Triassic period

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A son is choking

A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three coins to play with.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face turning blue! The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the ...

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A man and his wife doing 69 and when they finish up he realises he still has to go to the dentist.

He then dashes to the bathroom to go and brush his teeth, constantly smelling his breath to make sure his breath doesn’t smell like his wife’s pussy. He eats some chewing gum and even takes mints with him. He arrives at the dentist and eats some more mints just to make sure.

He’s finally call...

Unpacking my bag after arriving at the hotel in Spain and realise I forgot to pack my toiletries bag...

After the long flight I desperately needed some stuff from my bag so without hesitation went to the closest shop. I asked the Spanish man behind the counter if he had any deodorant, he replied in a broken English accent “ball or aerosol” confused I said “no no just for my armpits please”

Two wives go on a girl’s night out and they have to stop to take a dump on the way home.

All the shops and restaurants are closed and there’s nowhere they can go in their busy city. The only bit of grassland they can find nearby is the local church cemetery.


After they’ve both gone in the corner of the cemetery, they realise they have nothing to wipe with. One uses her pantie...

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A boy was having sex with a girl on a railway track.

The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it..
He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple.

Driver jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who just finished and is standing up and zipping up his pants...

The driver sho...

A detective story

11:45 - arrived at crime scene

11:45 - Examined body. Signs of struggle

11:45 - Found murder weapon in drain

11:45 - Realised watch was broken

I finally realised my parents favoured my twin brother...

It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party

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Two wives have a night out

They decide to walk home, but on the way both have a desperate need to pee.
They nip into a cemetery, do the deed and realise they have nothing to wipe themselves with.
So one uses her underwear and the other grabs a wreath and uses that.
Next day there husbands are talking on the phone, vo...

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A woman was having sex in an apartment on the 20th floor with another Man

As She heard her Husband coming... She told her Lover to stay like a Robot and not to move...

Husband :
What is this???

Wife :
This is a Robot...
I bought it to have Sex with when you are travelling...

Husband :
Okay darling in that case let's have Sex now......

Warning: When I came back from a walk this morning I realised I might have touched something infectious,

so I duly scrubbed and washed. Then I noticed that my hand had turned bright red and was feeling really hot. What was worse, each of my fingers had grown two little horns on the top. I tell you, that's the last time I'm using that hand sataniser.

I didn’t realise how dangerous it was to have a dyslexic boss.

Until I got fried.

My dog was walking a little weird but then I realised...

He had two left feet.

Once I started spending my own money, I realised that my mother was right.

We do have food at home.

An chinese dad sees his newborn child and is startled when he realises the kid is clearly white.

He runs to the doctor and asks:

"Doctor, is it even medically possible for me and my wife - both chinese - to have a caucasian-looking baby?"

The doctor, turns to him, thinks for a bit, and replies:

"No. Two Wongs don't make a white."

St. Peter conducts a census in heaven and realises someone is missing.

So he goes to the computer and realises that an engineer accidentally landed up in hell. He get’s on the phone to Old Nick.

St. Peter: So, Nick, we have an issue with this engineering guy Robert. He is supposed to be with us. Can you send him up?

Nick: Bob? No way. Not going to. Since...

Welcome to Australia!

A British national travelling to Australia on holiday is stopped at customs after getting off the plane. There, the customs agent asks him, "business or pleasure?"

"Pleasure," he replies.

"Anything to declare?"

"Does jet lag count?" the Brit asks with a cheesy smile. The Aussie ...

National Bank of USA decides to save some money on coin making...

so they buy a cheap coin making machine made in China.

Soon enough, it stops working, and the bank sends an engineer to fix it. As he looks into the machine, he realises that the hardware is completely different from american, and he does not understand anything about this Chinese coin making...

I woke up this morning and realised I didn't have to go to school today. I was so happy...

then I remembered I'm an unemployed 43-year-old.

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A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello", he blurted out, "Busine...

As i’ve grown older, I realised the number of people i’ve lost along the way have increased.

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t suited tor me.

Mixed up two shipments at work but nobody realised

I actually was pretty lucky that both were closed caskets.

Automation is taking over more industries than you'd realise.

They've already replaced the BBC weatherman with a recording of someone saying 'Rain'.

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A Valentine’s Day story

A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat. The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while ...

An Elephant, a Giraffe and a Penguin walk in to a bar

It's at this point I realise that there is something wrong with my pint.

I used to feel guilty about getting rid of old shoes until I realised they were going to a better place.

It turns out that shoes have soles.

I always wondered why there were two different ways to spell Whiskey / Whisky.

Having been to Dublin, I now realise it's because the Irish like to drop an E in their drinks.

I realised at the last minute that i forgot my protective goggles at the nuclear test facility this morning. My line manager saved my vision and shielded me from the intense light!

He's my super visor

Monster under the bed

Jim hears his son call his name, so he walks in his sons room. Jim's son, Howard says with a tremble in his voice, "Dad, there's a monster under my bed." Jim unconvinced walks to his son's bed and looks underneath. There he sees his son crying and startled as he whispers, "Dad, there's a monster sle...

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I was watching a porno and it was just this fat dude crying and jerking off

then I realised I hadn't turned my computer on yet

I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...

I was Nun the Wiser.

I woke up with a really stiff neck. I got out of bed, went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, my face was white as a sheet! i had a big red nose, bright red fuzzy hair and a really tiny bowler hat on top. I turned on the tap and glitter poured out. Then i realised what had happened..

I slept funny.

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A young boy realises his mother is cheating on his father...

He hides in the closet. When his dad comes home, the visitor jumps in the closest as well, to hide. The boy says,

"Gee, sure is dark in here."

"I guess it is," says the man.

"Tell you what," says the boy, "I'll sell you my baseball bat for $500 dollars. Don't buy it, and I'll te...

I still remember the day I realised my girlfriend was a keeper!

She had massive gloves on.

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A duck rushes to the store because his date won't let him do the dirty deed without using a condom..

The duck realises he forgot his money, but the man at the store knows him so kindly offers him credit.

Man: "Should I put them on your bill?"

Duck: "Don't be a dickhead: I'll suffocate!"

Just got home and realised Staples had sold me a packet of cardboard instead of paper.

I’m writing them a stiff letter.

A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip.

He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose in the breeze, his shirt wrinkled and untucked, with his face covered in bushy bumblebee beard stubble.

He recklessly flies into the main entrance, nearly knocking over a fa...

It took me almost a decade of marriage and several failed attempts of trying to realise it

Im not capable of making dad jokes

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A nun, a hot blonde, a German and a Frenchman are sitting in a train compartment.

They don‘t know each other and are minding their own business. The train drives into a tunnel and it gets so dark in the compartment that you could not see your own hand in front of your eyes.

Suddenly a violently loud slapping noise rips into the silence. When the train leaves the tunnel ev...

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What did Hitler say when he realised that the war was lost?

“I did Nazi that coming”

There was once a brilliant gastroenterologist.

There was once a brilliant **gastroenterologist** whose fame spread far and wide. He had the reputation of treating the worst of cases with best results. If nothing worked, his magical hand would.

But, this brilliant guy had a deep burning passion of his own. He had always wanted to be an aut...

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I always wondered why The Muppets had such large and wide open eyes.

I then realised that if I had a hand shoved up my ass my eyes would do the same.

I just went up into the loft to fetch the last of the Christmas presents down and realised I’d left a present I bought for my wife up there from last year, totally forgot about it...

It’s a real shame, she’d have loved that puppy.

I bought a 12ft tall multiplication symbol and just realised I can also use it as an addition symbol too.

That's a big plus.

The Ladder To Success

A man died and awoken in an empty plain. There was nothing but a ladder in front of him and nothing else in sight, so he started climbing. After a minute or so, he reaches a hatch, he opens it and there is lying a middle age woman. She said "Come lie with me or keep climbing to success". The man wit...

When I was small my parents used to bath me in cheap Australian lager

It wasn't until I was 18 I realised I had been Fostered

Today I realised that eating ice cream isn't filling the emptiness I feel inside.

But I'm no quitter.

I used to laugh at the circus.

But then I realised I too have been cream-pied by clowns.

I bought ten bananas and began peeling each one as perfectly as I could. After finishing the seventh banana and beginning the next, I realised I had missed a small piece of the peel, just near the top. So being a total perfectionist I stuck the peel back on and did it again ...

Yes folks, it seems I just re\-peeled the eighth.

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Chris Hemsworth goes to a bar

He spots a nice looking lady and gets chatting to her, she happens to have dental braces which affects her speech only slightly.
He asks her “Could I buy you a drink?”
She replies “If you mutht”
They chat and drink into the early hours.
Chris then says “I have a room at the Radisson do...

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There once was a man with an extremely high-pitched voice

(For retelling, ^(superscript) is high-pitched/falsetto voice)

He had since long passed puberty, but while his friends got deep, manly voices, his remained so high that he ^(spoke like this). Ever since then, it had been a tremendous source of insecurity. Now, he was in his thirties, and he r...

I woke up this morning and realised I couldn't stand Up.

But then I realised I can't stand most Pixar movies.

When I first realised that the two most fundamental mathematics constants spell pie I nearly died

Couldn't find my epi pen

The Pope opens up the newspaper, and finds the headline says he has been accused of Matchfixing!

The Pope opens up the newspaper, and finds the headline says he has been accused of Matchfixing!

Although he doesn't have to, he decides to go to court to clear his name of this slander.

At the courtroom, the prosocuter asks him, "Is is true that you sent Juventus your thoughts and pra...

When I realised I had lost my favourite spanner...

It was a real wrench.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman goes to the pharmacist and asks for five kilos of arsenic.

The chemist says, "That's very dangerous, what do you want it for?"
Wife replies, "I'm giving it to my husband. He had an affair"
Chemist says, "Oh no, I could get in a lot of trouble for giving you that"
Wife goes into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband.....having sex with the ...

A friend has 2 tickets in a corporate box for the World cup final game Sun 15th July He paid £500 each including flights but he didn't realise when he bought them months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding! He is looking for someone to take his place

It's at Sheffield Town Hall at 4pm. Her name is Nicola -- she's 5'4", about 8 stone, quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook. Message me for more details.

I pulled 5 cards blindly and got a royal straight flush

I was soo happy until i realise i was playing blackjack.

Once management wants you fired, you’ll be fired

A king had 10 wild ferocious dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him. A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn't like at all. So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said, "I have served you loyally f...

I have learnt that beauty is only skin-deep. That once you pull back the layers, you realise...

Being a cannibal isn't for everyone.

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A man walks into a bar with a donkey and an ostrich.

He sits down at the counter and asks for a beer.

“That will be 5.98$, sir.”, the bartender says.

The man, puts his hand into his pocket and pulls out 5 dollars and 98 cents in exact change.

“How much will it cost to buy everyone here a round of drinks?”, the man asks, taking a s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I realised how perverted and wrong touching someone's butt is, but it was when i slapped a statue...

When i realised that i've hit rock bottom.

Two hydrogen atoms decide that they want to ride on the Large Hadron Collider.

They jump on a plane to Switzerland and sneak in while no one is looking. As they start to speed up one of them realises that they have both lost their electrons. It mentions it to his friend who asks "Are you sure?"

It replys "I'm positive."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At a young age I realised I was allergic to communion wine

It would always make me sleepy and I’d wake up with a sore arse

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It is only when a mosquito lands on your testicles, that you realise...

...there is always a way to solve problems, without using violence.

I never realised Dwayne Johnson lived in the apartment above us.

All this time we had been living under a rock.

Tom was not home at his usual hour and his wife was fuming.

Finally around 3am she heard a noise at the front door and, as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.

“Do you realise what time it is?!?” she stammered.

He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought som...

I dreamed last night that I was swimming in an ocean of soft drink

Then I woke up and realised it was just a Fanta sea.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lifeguard with a little head

A lifeguard with a huge masculine body and a very small head (I mean unnaturally small) was patrolling the beach. Many people knew him
When his head was normally sized but everyone was too scared to ask him what had happened... until Tim walked past him and said “hold up! Bob what happened to you...

I never realised how close "f" and "t" were on the keyboard...

...not until I texted my wife and told her I'd tucked our daughter in, anyway.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Watched the weirdest porn today of some sad old man, masturbating.

Then I realised I forgot to turn the screen on.

That awesome moment when you realise...

...in 2020 it will be 4/20 for a whole month.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trucker is hauling a B-double with three containers full of computer parts.

It's getting on toward dark, and so he stops at a steakhouse for a bite.


The first thing he sees is a sign on the door:


NO THONGS


NO SINGLETS


NO NERDS


MANAGEMENT RESERVES THE RIGHT TO REFUSE ADMISSION


No nerds? Weird. But whatever...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People sometimes ask me when I realised I was gay...

I remember the moment clearly... I was talking to a friend, explaining some minor life problem that I wasn't sure what to do about, and so he sighed and said "fuck man"...

and I thought, "hey, that's not a bad idea actually..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I went to a Japanese restaurant for the first time, I couldn't understand why this condiment stung a lot. But then I realised..

It was a bee.

A charity checks its records, and realises that a successful lawyer has not made any donations.

So, a representative from the charity posts the lawyer a visit. "Our records show you haven't made any donations to us."

The lawyer replies, "Did your records show that my mother is ill with massive medical bills, my sister was left pennies with four children when her husband suddenly died, a...

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street.

As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released: New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now!"

Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop. "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very...

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