My friend and I frequently give conjugal visits to an all-female prison, to remind the inmates what it's like for a selfless guy to go down on them.

It just gives us some scents of perp puss.

In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.

Those damn moose limbs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Life is like a dick

it gets hard for no reason and it's much shorter than you expected it to be.

You: Would you like a keto burger?

My anaconda: No.

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early?

They like to beat the crowds.

Edit: WTF is wrong with you people?
I know dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old but, 2 shiny bottle caps?? NO!! Send that money to the protesters, or groups helping them, in Hong Kong.

Edit 2:
Add edit to first comment.
Also he...

I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China

He says he can't complain.

A bear walks into bar. Bartender asks, “What would you like to drink”? Bear says, “I’ll have a rum and coke...

My Boss: What’s the joke? I don’t get it.

Me: What do you mean you don’t get it? Just think about it.

My Boss: The Bear can talk?

Me: No, that’s not the joke.

My Boss: The Bear can walk into a bar?

Me: No, that’s not the joke either.

My Boss: The Bear likes ...

I don't like people that take drugs.

Airport security, for example.

What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 act like an idiot?

Don’t mind him. He’s just a product of our times.

I like 25 letters of the alphabet

But I love u

Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the Lottery.

To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

Why is Christmas just like your job?

You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets the credit.

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to see a movie. She asked, “What would you like to see?”

I said, “You pick.”

She said, “You pick.”

I said, “I don’t care. You pick.”

She said, “Sir, there are people behind you waiting to buy tickets.”

If God isn't real, how do you explain how an average joe like me could marry a beautiful woman from Prague?

Czech mate, atheists

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's plenty of jobs in the porn industry when you have a cock like mine.

Camera man, light and sound technician, make up artist, or even production manager.

Vaccinated kids are more likely to have autism

Because they're still alive.

Why do the French like to eat snails?

They can't stand fast food.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep.

Not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

My girlfriend is like the square root of -100

An absolute 10, but also imaginary.

Never treat a woman like an object...

It hates that.

If I had a dime for every time I didn't understand what's going on.

I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The old farmer said, “ Well as I see it, Donald Trump is like a Post Tortoise”

The man, not being familiar with the term, asked what a ‘post tortoise’ was.

The farmer said, “When you’re driving down a county lane and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that’s a post tortoise.

The farmer saw the puzzled look on the man’s face so he cont...

Dads are like boomerangs

I hope.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know Bill Cosby likes pudding?

Pudding his dick where it doesn't belong

Why don’t Macedonians like pizza?

Too much Greece.

Me:Hey bro someone said you sound like an Owl

Bro: Who?

Me: Exactly

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My penis may not be 12 inches

....but it smells like a foot.

I went to the doctors recently He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty” I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”

He said, “No. Fatty, don’t eat anything."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't young boys like going to church?

It's a massive pain in the ass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is sex like math?

A: You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there's no multiplying.

Edit:This is my first post to get 50+ upvotes. Thank you all

Edit 2: Wow now it is 1k+ upvotes. Thank you very much

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Religion is like a dick

It's okay to have one, just don't ~~shove~~ Force it down people's throats.

Why don't the Clintons like Jehovah's Witnesses?

The Clintons don't like ANY witn

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know why women like having sex with the lights off?

Because they can't stand to see a man having a good time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Love is like a fart

If you have to force it it’s probably shit.

What are the only jokes people in wheelchairs don’t like?

Running jokes.

I like my men like I like my coffee.

Leaving a bitter taste in my throat when I swallow.

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I have to tell my girlfriend that I don't like the fetish she's into...

But first I need to get some shit off my chest.

A young boy comes running down the street looking for a cop. He finds one and then begs "Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father's in a fight." Well, they get back to the bar and there's three guys fighting like you wouldn't believe.

After a while the cop turns to the kid and says "Okay, which one's your father."

The kid looks up at the cop and says, "I don't know, officer, that's what they're fighting about."

A wife is like a hand grenade.

Take off the ring and say goodbye to your house.

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,

"No, just leave it in the carton! "


P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.

Whats long, green and smells like bacon?

Kermit the frogs finger

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You ever realize life is like toilet paper??

One minute you’re on a roll, next you’re taking shit from some asshole

A cheap zoo lost its gorilla and instead of paying for one they hired a guy in a gorilla costume to act like a gorilla.

When the people came to see him he pounded his chest and moved like a gorilla. Right under him was a lions cage.

While he was running around chanting like a gorilla, the bottom of his cage broke and he fell into the loins cage.

He started screaming and yelling "help me, help me"
...

Sometimes I like talking to myself...

me too fam

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Religion is like a penis.

It's fine if you take pride in it, but when you take it out and wave it in our faces, then it becomes a problem.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do the testicles of a priest look like?

Silly question, every child knows that.

I’m hammering a nail into the wall when my wife comments “You hammer like lightning”

I replied “you think I’m that fast?”

She said “no. You never hit the same spot twice”

PETA is like a box of chocolates

They kill dogs

Why don't catholic priests like the Army?

Because there are only majors there.

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does oral sex taste like to senior citizens?

Depends

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't like sex in the shower.

It's slippery, dangerous and one of the worst things about prison.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl asked me what it's like to have a dick

It has it's ups and downs

It's hard sometimes

What's the downside to cumming on the face of the girl you like?

Having to clean the monitor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy dials his home phone number from work.

A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid.", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with ...

I ran across some douchbag millennial in the store running his mouth, calling me a boomer and blaming me for ruining the world. Then he acted like he wanted to fight me.

I said "That's pretty big talk for a guy with no health insurance."

British Satanism be like

God save the Queen and all hail Satan

I have a body like a god!

...shame it's Buddha

I like making jokes about vegetarians...

but never about tofu, that's just tasteless.

A friend just told me that my daughter and my wife look like twins.

I said, “Well, they were separated at birth!”

In a survey, 5% of straight men said they liked slim thighs on a woman and 10% said they liked thicc thighs on a woman.

The rest of them preferred something in between.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got so drunk last night I slept like a baby.

I pissed and shat myself, woke up crying looking for another bottle.

TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic.

Because they are more likely to be dead.

Dark humor is like food.

Not everybody gets it.

What kinda person doesn’t like pizza?

A weirdough.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dick is like a Nicolas Cage movie

Not because it’s a national treasure but because it’s gone in 60 seconds.

Life is like a box of chocolates...

It doesn't last as long for fat people!

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does Hitler like his juice?

Concentrated

Stewardess: Would you like some headphones?

Man: How did you know my name was phones?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I like my coffee like my women.

Without a penis

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I like changing the power of my urine's stream while pissing.

It's the only thing I can control in my life.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pizza is a lot like sex.

When it’s good, it’s REALLY good.

But when it’s bad...

...well, it’s still pretty damn good.


(Sorry it’s old. Heard it a long time ago and haven’t seen it here)

Everyone says I won't be able to make a film like The Truman Show.

Just watch me.

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Trump is nothing like Hitler

There’s no way he could write a book.

Jeffery Epstein likes his video games like he likes his suicides

Co-op

What is orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot! :)

My baby girl came up with this and most of the laughter just comes from her ecstatic joy of saying it.

I always thought people treated me like a god.

They ignore my existance unless they need something from me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller, “I want to open a fucking checking account.”

The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.”

The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation.

The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. <...

Spouses are a lot like FBI agents

They won’t ask you a question that they do not already know the answer to.

I don't see why teachers don't like double negatives,

I think they're quite positive.

Bad pickup line: Dang girl, you smell like garbage...

Can I take you out?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dick is like the Titanic.

Not because it's big or hard, but because it's a bit sad at the end.

Why are relationships like math?

You look at your x and try to figure out y.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For women, having sex is like buying a mew car.

They ask basically the same questions:
-Is it loyal?
-Is it worth it?
-Is it good?
-Is it gonna kill me?

But for men it’s like finding a parking spot:
-It’s open, why not
-I have to pay? Nevermind I’m out
-It’s handicap? A quick one then I’m going out

My mother hates every girlfriend that I’ve ever brought home. So I brought home a girl that looks like my mother, acts like my mother, even sounds like my mom

Now my father hates her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I like my sex the same way I like my grilled cheese sandwiches [NSFW]

Alone and all over the bed.

I like my beer like I like my men

Locked underground in a barrel for a decade

I went in the chippy and said to the fella behind the counter ‘can I have a piece of cod?’ He said ‘yeah would you like it battered?’

I said ‘no thanks, just give it a quick slap I’m in a hurry’

Two wind turbines in a field and one says to the other, "Do you like music?"

He replies, "I'm a big metal fan."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Rubix cube is like a penis

The more you play with it the harder it gets.

If you like Subpoena Coladas

And getting caught in Ukraine.

what does Schrodinger's 101th experiment looks like?

1 not 1

What's an 80 year old woman taste like?

Depends

Relationships are like squared numbers

If their under 13, do them in your head.

I like my boys how I like my whiskey.

Brown and 10 years old

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A beautiful girl is like a fine wine.

But you still can’t just lock her in the basement until she’s old enough.

My ex is like the Titanic

Except the Titanic only went down on 1000 people.

Why don't dentists like iPhones?

They can't root them.

Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear...

You're better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away

Women are like swimming pools.

They cost a lot of money to maintain, considering the amount of time you spend inside them.

I like Elton John. Brilliant on the piano

Sucks on the organ tho.

Harry asks his wife Theodora, "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"

Theodora looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.

Harry looks down wringing his hands, embarrassed: "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."

I just got a new job teaching English at a maximum security prison. It's going to be tough but like any other job out there.....

It'll have its prose and cons.

Bread is like the sun.

It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist

I would like to put on record my appreciation for the guys who play the triangle in orchestras.

Thanks for every ting.

Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments of my like come flooding back to me.

I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.

How did Epstien's killers make it look like a suicide?

They used A LOT of coverup

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you cross a mentally ill loner with a society that abandons him and treats him like trash?

You get what you fucking deserve. *BANG*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend and I broke up bc I couldn’t handle that she likes her sex like she likes her burgers....

5 Guys

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do I look like Fucking...

W- can you help me in the garden?
H- do i look like a fucking gardener?
W- well can you help with the door?
H- do i look like a fucking carpenter?
Man leaves for work. Comes back later and it's all done.
H- see I knew you could do it!
W- wasn't me. It was John the neigh...

Words are like bullets

People fear them if you have a gun.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

Why don’t Native Americans like snow?

Because it’s white and settles on their land.

Insomniacs must really like this time of year.

Only four more sleeps until Christmas!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How is sex on a boat like Budweiser?

They’re both fucking close to water.

I don’t like the word xenophobia.

It sounds so foreign.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dick is like Hong Kong

It’s hard to control even when I beat it

Some people are like slinkies

not really good for much, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

Why does McDonalds like to hire altar boys?

Because if you can turn on a priest, you can turn on a fryer.

I've always wanted to be a millionaire just like my dad.

He's always wanted to be a millionaire too.

It’s kind of silly we’re trying turning plants into burgers

Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?

In the future water will be like sarcasm

No one will get it.

If only more game companies acted like blizzard.

I could probably kick my gaming addiction.

Discussing with a woman is like reading software license terms.

In the end you ignore everything and click on "accept".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If someone ever asks about your sex life, tell them it's like Tiananmen square.

There's protests and it's hidden from the public.

My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"

A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.

I'm really happy that my prayer worked.

Why is the Turkish President like Little Miss Muffett?

They both have Kurds in their way

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the spirit of halloween, I would like to clarify that my penis is NOT tiny.

It's fun size.

Why does Trump like KFC better than Popeye's Chicken?

Less to read

American public school is a lot like Vietnam...

You're forced to go and you might get shot

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Going to Mia Khalifa's house on Halloween be like

Trick or Tits

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad says we shouldn’t reward people with ribbons after participating. It is like they are being rewarded for losing.

So i took down his confederate flag.

Edit: this blew up!! Thank you for the gold n silver kind strangers!

Edit : grammar

Always treat your feelings like a dead body.

You gotta bury it.

I told my wife that a Husband ages like wine. We get better with age.

So she locked me in the cellar.

Jokes are like frogs

Because if you dissect them, they die.
Except to use the word "dissect" implies the frog or joke in question is already dead. The correct word choice would be "vivisect," which is the equivalent of a dissection, but with the animal (or joke) still alive. Much like a dissection, vivisections are u...

Friends are like penguins

If you stab a penguin, it will die

A man, crying in pain, complains to the dentist “It feels like my left jaw is possessed by the devil!”

“Oh! Then eat right and exorcise”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife likes to talk after sex

So she called me from the hotel

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."

I responded, "How about now?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I like my sex like my open casket funerals

With an open casket

Would you like to hear a joke about construction?

Come back next week. I'm still working on it.

When I’ve had a long day at work, I like to come home, get on my computer, and press F5.

It’s refreshing.

My parents treat me like a god...

...they don't believe in me.

TIL: If the Queen farts during dinner, all the other guests should pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases have no reaction.

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