I was getting a prostate exam and it hurt like hell.

I asked “doc, could you take off your ring?”

He said “that’s not my ring, that’s my watch.”

A child asked his father

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." ...

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

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Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early?

They like to beat the crowds.

Edit: WTF is wrong with you people?
I know dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old but, 2 shiny bottle caps?? NO!! Send that money to the protesters, or groups helping them, in Hong Kong.

Edit 2:
Add edit to first comment.
Also he...

A bear walks into bar. Bartender asks, “What would you like to drink”? Bear says, “I’ll have a rum and coke...

My Boss: What’s the joke? I don’t get it.

Me: What do you mean you don’t get it? Just think about it.

My Boss: The Bear can talk?

Me: No, that’s not the joke.

My Boss: The Bear can walk into a bar?

Me: No, that’s not the joke either.

My Boss: The Bear likes ...

A man is explaining to his coworker that he never realized how much his wife loved him until he was home sick from work the previous day.

“Really?” the coworker asks. “What showed you she really loved you?”

“She was just really excited to have me around,” the man replied. “Like when the mailman and FedEx guy came to the door she shouted excitedly, ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!’”

I just got a new job teaching English at a maximum security prison. It's going to be tough but like any other job out there.....

It'll have its prose and cons.

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A man gets asked “What is it to have sex at the age of 70?”

"It's like playing billiard with a rope", the man answers.

I went to the doctors recently He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty” I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”

He said, “No. Fatty, don’t eat anything."

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I have to tell my girlfriend that I don't like the fetish she's into...

But first I need to get some shit off my chest.

An autistic child first time going to school

So first time posting here. It is my favorite joke and I have never seen it posted. It is better with some gesture and noise but I'll try anyway, I'll do my best to translate it in English. (sorry if my English isn't perfect but I have to share this masterpiece)


A mother tell her autisti...

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Trump is nothing like Hitler

There’s no way he could write a book.

My girlfriend is like the square root of -100

An absolute 10, but also imaginary.

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What do the testicles of a priest look like?

Silly question, every child knows that.

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,

"No, just leave it in the carton! "


P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.

I like my coffee how I like the slaves:

Free

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An oldie, but a goldie.

Little Johnny was leaving class ready to go home one day when his teacher called him over.
“Hi Johnny, by class tomorrow,” The teacher says,”I want you to be able to say your ABC’s.”
“Ok, I’ll try!” Says Johnny.
Johnny gets home and goes to see his Mom,
“Hi Mom, can you tell me what is ...

A young boy comes running down the street looking for a cop. He finds one and then begs "Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father's in a fight." Well, they get back to the bar and there's three guys fighting like you wouldn't believe.

After a while the cop turns to the kid and says "Okay, which one's your father."

The kid looks up at the cop and says, "I don't know, officer, that's what they're fighting about."

I don’t like the word xenophobia.

It sounds so foreign.

I would like to put on record my appreciation for the guys who play the triangle in orchestras.

Thanks for every ting.

Doctor: Well, it looks like you're pregnant.

Woman: Oh my god! I'm pregnant?

Doctor: No, it just looks like you are.

Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder.

We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.

If you say "gullible" slowly enough, it actually sounds like"oranges"

Give it a try

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I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

My parents treat me like a god...

...they don't believe in me.

Like my Dad used to say to me "One man’s trash is another man’s treasure"

Wonderful saying but a terrible way to find out you were adopted.

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My dad says we shouldn’t reward people with ribbons after participating. It is like they are being rewarded for losing.

So i took down his confederate flag.

Edit: this blew up!! Thank you for the gold n silver kind strangers!

Edit : grammar

Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flies like a banana.

PETA is like a box of chocolates

They kill dogs

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God summons Adam and Eve as he would like to offer them each a feature distinguishing men from women

God: "So guys, you have to choose now between being able to stand up and pee and m..."

Adam: "Me me memememe! I want to be able to stand up and pee! Thats gotta be the best feature out there.. I choose this one for men! I win, you lose Eve!!"

God: "Erm.. alright then.. Eve, I guess yo...

I’m getting so sick of millennials and their attitude...

...always walking around like they rent the place!

There's a term for Presidents like Trump.

Probably not two though.

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I believe in the vagina like other people believe in God.

I've never seen one before, but I have faith.

I asked my friend from North Korea what life was like there

He said he couldn’t complain.

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An uneducated man decides to give college a second chance. He walks up to the Dean of his local community college and says, "I want to learn something new, I haven't learned much and I want to learn more,". "Great, which class would you like to take?" said the Dean.

"Which classes do you offer?" responded the man.

"We have all sorts of classes, from science to logic," said the Dean.

"What's logic?" asked the man.

"Well, I can use information to assume something." Said the Dean.

"How?" asked the Man.

"Take this scenario, d...

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I slept like a baby last night

I woke up crying several times and shit myself.

I called my wife at work and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?” Sounding concerned, she replied, “No!”

I said, “How about now?”

I used to feel like a man trapped inside a woman’s body

Then I was born.

My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did.

Account balance: $9.11

What’s blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint

I went to the barbers earlier and said I wanted my hair cutting like Tom Cruise.

So he put a cushion on the chair.

When it's hot, my wife really likes us to blow on each other to help keep cool, but I'll be honest...

I'm not a fan.

I met Jeffrey Epstein once. It was only a brief interaction, but I can recall that I offered him some cheddar cheese and he didn't like it.

I think it was too mature for him.

If you ever wonder what kind of music windmills like

I can guarantee you that they are huge metal fans

My publisher didn’t like my Erotica...

He said the plot was full of gaping holes

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White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do.

We do it in schools because we have class.

My buddy questioned, "How do you get so many girls into bed with you?" I laughed, "Easy, I just do what Arnold Schwarzenegger does." Puzzled, he asked, "What, work out all day and look like a Greek God?"

"No, I pull out a shotgun and say, 'Come with me if you want to live'."

What does breast milk taste like?

Umami.

Do you like Malcolm in the Middle?

▢ Yes

▢ No

▢ Maybe

▢ I don't know, can you repeat the question?

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If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet

Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best .

P.S.A - Do recycle ♻

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A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts calling numbers... like a telephone... on his hand and talking in his hand.

The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very
tough neighbourhood and he doesn't need any trouble
here.

The guy says, You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I
had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.
The bartender says 'Prove it'. ...

Like my Grandad always said "As one door closes, another one opens"

Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.

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“Dating you is like making wine”

“Because at first you were sweet

Then you kinda started to stink

Now you got me all fucked up. “

A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.

First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.

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A good joke can be like a fart.

If you force it, it’s probably shit.

“Queue” sounds like “q” followed by 4 silent letters, but…

They’re just waiting their turn.

Thanos’ finger snap would have a way greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared

Apparently only DC movies can do that

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Why doesn't Jesus like Christian rock music?







Because it fucking sucks

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The Germans say American beer is like having sex in a canoe.

F**king close to water.

Peeing yourself in public is like being in Love

Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.

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I like my chilli like I like my men

Hot, brown, chunky and beefy.


Also it explodes in your mouth and makes your asshole hurt the next day.

I had a dream where I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.

I was like 0mg

Women are like computers.

They won't take my 3.5 inch floppy.

I like my men like I like my coffee...

Strong and alcoholic.

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How should you write words like "fuck", "shit", "bitch", or "damn?"

In cursive.

Skinny jeans are like a cheap hotel.

There’s no ballroom.

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So a priest is walking across the market and he hears a fisher yell”DAMN FISH GET YOUR DAMN FISH” so the priest walks up to the fisher and says “you can’t just swear like that you’ll make god angry” on which the fisher replies “this is an misunderstanding these fish were caught at the dam they’re

Dam fish” The priests understands what the fisher means and buys 2 dam fish when he comes home the priest asks his wife “can you cook these dam fish for supper tomorrow”on which the wife replies surprised”dear you’re a priest you can’t just swear like that” on which the priest explains the situation...

A kid in high school really likes this girl and finally gets the courage to ask her to prom.

To his surprise and delight, she says yes. He wants to make this night very special so he decides to get a tuxedo, a limo, and really nice flowers. First, he goes to the tux rental store and sees there is a line, but he waits and finally gets the perfect fit. Next he goes to the car rental store and...

Having a fourth child is like you're drowning...

...and then someone hands you a baby.


Credit: Jim Gaffigan

What would you like people to say about you after you die?

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister were all asked the same question: “What would you like people to say about you after you die?” The priest said: “I hope that people say that I helped them to understand the absolute love that God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit offers to them through the Ch...

Boy: Mommy! I don't like my little brother!

Mom: Shut up and keep eating.

I like to bend over, grab my ankles, and slowly lean forward.

Because that’s how I roll

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I love all these signs in men's bathrooms stating stuff like "stand closer" or "don't pee on the floor" or "pee elegantly" or "please aim" or ...

I have to assume any such sign was thought up by someone who has never operated a dick before.

a: there's only one thing I don't like about halloween.

b: which is?

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Having student loans is like being in a shitty marriage.

They fuck you once a month for 25 years,

they make you feel guilty about every dollar you spend,

and you spend an unhealthy amount of time wondering if you could fake your death to get out of the whole arrangement.

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A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!" officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!"

"Bullshit! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"

I like to help people find things...

by pointing out that it’s got to be around here somewhere.

What did 4 tell 2 when he saw 8 acting like an idiot?

Don't worry, he's just a product of our times.

People in Saudi Arabia don't like the Flintstones

But people in Abu Dhabi do

I went to a cannibal's house for dinner. His manners were like nobody else's.

He was *encouraging* me to put my feet up on the table.

I don't like cocaine.

It blows away too easily.

Two priests step into the communal shower, when they notice there's no soap. One says, "I'll go to my room and get two bars." He runs naked to the room, grabs the bars, but as he's running back, three nuns show up. Not knowing what else to do, he freezes like a statue...

The nuns look at the statue and say, "Such a beautiful figure, perfectly shaped!"

One of them, admiring its "toy soldier" decides do pull it.

The priest's reaction to the enormous pain makes him drop one of the soap bars, but he holds his pose.

The nun conclude then, that it's n...

A relationship with no trust is like having a phone with no service

You just play games.

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Loosing my virginity was a lot like my first soccer game...

very mediocre, but at least my mom *came*.

*edit: \*Losing*

Why don't Native Americans like snow?

It's white and settles on their land

How is dark humor like food?

Not everyone gets it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At the end of our first date, I sheepishly asked, "So, how do you feel about sex?" Giggling and blushing, she whispered, "I like it infrequently."

Puzzled, I asked, "I see. Is that one word or two?"

What's made of leather, is about a foot long and sounds like a sneeze?

A Shoe.

Why do mathematicians like parks?

Because of all the natural logs

I only like smooth leather

and my opinion will never be suede.

An unpaid internship is nothing like actual slavery

Slaves are given food and housing.

To his great surprise, Bob won the largest lottery in history.

Unsure what to do with his newfound fortune, he decided to build the world's biggest ship. It was 10 miles long and 3 miles wide; a floating city. Once the ship was complete, Bob had to hire thousands of people to work on it and make it run properly. He held mass interviews and hired sailors, police...

My friend said, “You have a B.A., Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot!”

It was a third degree burn.

To all of my friends I am like a God.

They only remember me when they need help. Then forgets me again afterwards when I'm not needed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do skeletons like having sex with short girls before eating?

They like to bone a petite

Why is getting broken up with like doing algebra?

You've got an ex, and you're trying to figure out why.

Wife : Why don’t you treat me like when I was your girlfriend?

Husband the next day , took her on his bike to Italian restaurant for evening coffee, then movie. Dinner at most famous restaurant. Followed by ice cream. Later on dropped her at her parents house and went home fast

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dick is like a Bob Dylan song

You may not like it but your mother loves it

My innocence is like my dad,

it disappeared one day and never came back.

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My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, “Make love to me like in the movies.”

So I fucked her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair.

Now she's not talking to me. I guess we doesn't watch the same movies.

I like bad kids like I like my coffee

Grounded.

If your urine smells like alcohol, you may have a drinking problem

If your urine tastes like alcohol, you definitely do have a drinking problem

Life is like a box of chocolates

It really sucks if you have diabetes ;)

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My penis is just like Windows

microsoft

Daddy's be like

Dad: whats your blood group?


Son: B+


Dad: when i was at your age, my blood group was A+

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Last time I had sex, it felt like the Olympic 100m final.

8 black men and a gun

A bear walked into a restaurant and looks at the waiter and says “I’d like a grilled ................cheese.”.

The waiter said, “what’s with the big pause?”.

He said, “I’m a bear!”

Medical advances these days are absolutely crazy. They've found ways to activate taste buds in people who were born without the sense. Surprisingly most people don't like it at first.

Its an acquired taste.

Pokèmons are like STDs ....

I caught them all and now the fun is over.

How does the German baker like to greet people?

Gluten tag

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Unpopular opinion, but I like the police...

...I mean their back catalog of singles is legendary. Cop their critically acclaimed album “Synchronicity”.

How do cannibals like their cats?

r/aww

My son asked me, what's it like to be married?

So I deleted every song on his iPod except one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Opinions are like assholes.

Some people like sticking there dicks in them, others don't.

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