Your essays should be like a girls skirt.

Long enough to cover the subject, short enough to keep it interesting and on the desk by Friday midnight.

COVID-19 is like Pasta

Asians invented it, Italians spread it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Success is like pregnancy.

Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does 90 year old pussy taste like?

Depends.

Veganism is like Communism..

They are both fine, unless you like food.

Some people really like Orion's Belt

But I think it's just a big waist of space.

I have like 50 jokes about the unemployed

Trouble is, none of them work.

I like my girls how I like my Covid.

19 and easily spread.

I like my coffee how I like my slaves...

Free

Dads are just like boomerangs..

.. I hope

Politicians are like sperm

Only one in a million turn out to be a human being.

Life is like a box of chocolates

It doesn't last long for fat people

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Reddit is like anal sex

You dont know how it works for the first time,
It can be painful and time consuming,
But if done correctly you start enjoying it later.

AND ITS NOT FOR EVERYONE.

Dentist always dumb questions like “when’s the last time you flossed?”

Like bro you were there wtf

Why are hamsters like cigarettes?

They're completely harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Greta Thunberg like r/jokes so much?

We recycle our material every fucking day.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

(I'll show myself out...)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Religion is like a penis.

It's fine to have one and it's fine to be proud of it, but please don't whip it out in public and start waving it around... and PLEASE don't try to shove it down my child's throat.

I like the way you are thinking

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.

"Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.

Matt answer...

Why don’t blind people like to go skydiving?

It scares the dog.

A farmer is trying to grow hydroponic potatoes, but he starts them in test tubes. This results in the potatoes being long with a round bulge at the top, so they look like male genitals.

The farmer tries to sell them to anyone and eventually even posts them online, where he surprisingly starts getting more orders than he can fill; and all from Russia. He’s surprised but grows another batch and they sell out again. He starts worrying there might be something illegal going on so he go...

A woman said to her husband "Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating?"

So he took her to dinner and a movie, and dropped her off at her parent's house.

I wanted to post a joke about Sodium but I was like Na, people won’t Understand.

Want to hear a joke about Sodium hypobromite?


NaBrO.

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What movie would you like to see?”

I said, “You pick.”

She said, “You pick.”

I said, “I don’t care. You pick.”

She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife love to play golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.

The husband has his lesson first.

After the pro sees his swing, he says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard!”

“Well, what should I do?” asks the man.

“Hold the club gently,” the pro replied, “just like you’d hold your wife’s breasts.”

The man takes the adv...

There's a term for Presidents like Trump.

Probably not two terms, though...

What do you call a bear that likes to spend his summers at the north pole and his winters at the south?

a bi-polar bear.

Common sense is like AIDS.

Some are born with it while others have to get it pounded into them.

My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.

More on this after the break.

The real reason why women don’t like men under 6 feet

Is because it’s hard to have a conversation with the dead.

What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather?

A shoe...

My father told me, "Work until your bank account look like a phone number."...

My available balance is $9.11.

How do you get a farmer’s girl to like you?

A tractor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Life is like a dick

Sometimes it’s up

Sometimes it’s down

And it won’t be hard forever

I'd like to thank my legs

For supporting me. My arms, for always being by my side. And my fingers, I could always count on them

My twin brother prefers to take the stairs, but I like the elevator.

I guess we are raised differently.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Friends are like boobs.

Some big, some small, some real and some fake.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Girl: “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”

Priest: “What have you done my child?”

Girl: “I called a man a son of a bitch.”

Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?”

Girl: “Because he touched my hand.”

Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand)

Girl: “Yes father.”

Priest: “That’s no reason t...

My girlfriend is like the square root of -100

An absolute 10, but also imaginary.

My friend and I frequently give conjugal visits to an all-female prison, to remind the inmates what it's like for a selfless guy to go down on them.

It just gives us some scents of perp puss.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do women like to have sex with their eyes closed?

Because they can’t stand to see their husband enjoy themselves.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady who is cheating on her husband

There's a lady who is cheating on her husband. One day while they are having sex she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says "oh no! What should we do?!" She says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!" Once they're in the living room she starts sprinkling baby powder al...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tits are like Lego bricks.

They're there for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes, so he walks down to the store only to find it closed.

So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, “Oh no, it...

A paedophile goings into a florist and says “I’d like to order some flowers”

“Orchids?” asks the florist

“No, just the flowers” he replied

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandad

Not screaming like the passengers in his car

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Reddit user, a Reddit user, and a Reddit user walk into a bar.

The first one orders a coke. Five minutes later the second one orders a coke and the whole bar starts cheering, another five minutes later the third one orders a coke and the whole city erupts in thunderous applause.

Edit: whoever wasted money on giving me silver, I'd like you to know that I'...

Lately my wife looks at me like I’m just a piece of meat.

And it wouldn’t bother me if she wasn’t a vegan.

My love life is like a game of minesweeper

I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.

Why are men like floor tiles?

If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for life

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a man

Feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.

Clothes are like Billie Eilish songs

I was really surprised when I found out that a kid made them

fishing is like girlfriends

There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I’m stuck here holding my rod

How do you make a farmer's daughter like you?

A tractor!

In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.

Those damn moose limbs.

Why don't pacifists like the symphony?

Because of all the violins

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill Clinton likes to go for a walk every Saturday evening...

One evening, he passed by an alley, and a prostitute yelled at him,
"Fifty dollars will buy you a good time!"

He responded by saying "How's about 5 dollars?", jokingly, and kept walking.

This same thing kept happening every Saturday for a couple weeks; every time Bill passed the p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If opinions really were like assholes

my uncle would show a lot more interest in my opinion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup...

I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."

Tinder is like being on a bus.

Everyone is on their phones, but no one is talking.

Can’t a girl just say Good Morning to a guy like a normal person?

Is it really necessary to ask “Who are you” “How did you get in my room” “Why are you naked”.

Four surgeons are discussing about who they like to operate on.

The first one says “I like to operate on librarians. When you open them up, everything is sorted alphabetically”

The second one says “I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is numbered and organized”

The third one says “I like operating on electricians. When...

Dad jokes are like Corona

Evererybody gets It but not everyone can laugh about It.

Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is like?

No sun.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gay people have no excuse to have a bad fashion sense

Like homie what were you doing in the closet that whole time

Humans are like slugs

They probably serve some purpose but you don't exactly know what.

Being racist is like saying you don't like red skittles

They may be a different colour but they still taste about the same

What's the least likely profession for a trans person?

Mail man.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Life is like a penis

It keeps getting hard for no reason and you never quite know what to do with it.

I like to disassociate myself from the word 'Xenophobia'

It's a bit too foreign-sounding for my liking.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you cross a mentally ill loner with society that abandons him and treats him like trash?

I'll tell you what you get! You get what you fucking deserve!

I really like the rotations of the earth

They make my day.

I hate it when people come and bang on your door spouting nonsense like, "You need to be saved or you'll burn!"

Stupid firemen...

Relationships are a lot like algebra.

Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

Statistics are like bikinis.

What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

Edit- This is a famous quote by Aaron Levenstein. A Professor told this to a friend.

STDs are a lot like Pokemon...

It's hard to catch them all, but once you do, the game is pretty much over.

A man walks into a bar and sits next to a guy with a very small head

After having a couple drinks the man asks the other guy, "hey, I don't mean to be rude, but how is it you have such a small head?"

The guy replies, "well it's a bitter sweet story. You see when I was in the war my plane got shot down in the Pacific. I parachuted out and ended up on a deserted...

Today I learned Italians have more than 250 specific hand gestures to communicate non-verbally, I asked my German friend if they had anything like it in Germany..

He said they have one but they are not allowed to use it

My girlfriend asked me if I'd like a threesome, and who out of her friends I would pick

Apparently I was only supposed to name one, not two

"I can't ever see you again. I won't let you hurt me like this again. Abuse is never OK."

**Trainer:** It was one sit up. You did one sit up.

Why don’t natives like snow???

Because it’s white and it’s on their land

If you 're asking your friend if they have autism, you should treat it just like asking a pregnant woman.

Don't ask unless you're sure.

I like how my local pizza place cuts my pizza into 6 slices instead of 8

I can't finish 8 slices

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I like my coffee like my women...

...Without a penis.

Why is Joe Biden like the Coronavirus?

They are both sweeping through the states, taking the elderly's breath away.

I really like boiling fruits for hours

That's my jam

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's green and smells like pork?

Kermit's Cock

I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China

He says he can't complain.

What's made of leather and sounds like two sneezes?

A shoe!

One that's thrown atchoo!

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife likes me to talk to her when I'm having sex.

Trying to keep the phone to my ear is always the problem.

at first I didn't like my haircut

but it's growing on me

A new study shows that unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic

Because they are more likely to be dead.

Upon arriving in hell, you’re surprised to find a clerk asking you “In which military would you like to serve?” Turns out Alexander the Great, Napoleon, and Otto Von Bismarck overthrew Satan centuries ago and have been fighting each other ever since.

“Oh, that’s an easy one.”

The clerk looked at me, skeptical.
“You don’t even want to talk to a recruiter? They can tell you all about the perks of each side.”

“No thank you. I know Napoleon will never lose.”

“Well, that’s a pretty strong allegiance... sure you don’t want to ...

One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?" The student replied, "Here's an orange." The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"

The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, calim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut...

I don’t think wind turbines like classical music.

I hear they’re big metal fans, though.

If you become a pilot, treat your plane like your woman

You get in them 5 times a day and take them to Heaven and back

Floppy Disks are like Jesus

They died to become the icon of saving

How is having a cold like being a vampire?

Coughin' when you sleep!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex with me is like going to the beach

There's a chance you'll find crabs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I like to masturbate long words into conversation,

even if I don't know what they mean.

Coronavirus is like Visa

It's everywhere you want to be

I don't like people who take drugs

For example : airport security

Friends are like slinkies

They are completely useless but they make me smile when I push them down the stairs.

A man goes to a doctor

A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like t...

I'd like to dedicate this joke to my father, who was a roofer...

...so...dad, if you're up there...

Why don’t cannibals like to eat millennials?

They’re too salty

My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"

"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.

I used to like Mitch Hedberg.

I still do, but I used to, too.

A relationship is alot like ea games

It starts off great until the microtransactions come in

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I were watching

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phon...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sex life is just like my favourite Star Wars character.

Hand Solo

Dick is like hair ties

You either have so many that you don’t know what to do with them or you can’t find one anywhere when you need it!

Covid-19 is just like the flu, don't believe in all social media that are fear mongering.

Spread the word and be positive

You: Would you like a keto burger?

My anaconda: No.

My girlfriend is like a calendar

She has 12 months

Son: Dad, I’d like to drop out of high school.

Dad: That’s alright son, just remember.
Son: Remember what?
Dad: I don’t like pickles on my Big Mac.
————————————
My topping game sucks, guess I gotta go to McDonald’s more often

You know why vaccinated children are more likely to have autism?

They live past the age of three

Doing math after years out of school is like riding a bike

It's no fun when you run into something hard.

What is it that separates humans from inanimate objects like shoes?

Soles.

Chocolate is like guns

if you pull it out in school, then everybody is suddenly your friend

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don’t vampires like masturbating

Because the can’t come without an invitation

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nine-year-old boy was in his mother’s bedroom while his father was away at work.

Suddenly, he heard his mother coming in with a man and hid in the closet. The two kissed, then began to make out, before suddenly the front door opened and the boy could hear his father calling from downstairs. His mother quickly took her lover and shoved him into the closet, unaware that her son wa...

My friend doesn’t like measuring me

her: you look thin - how much do you weigh right now?

me: *goes to scale* 144lbs why?

her: ewww gross

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex is like a rollercoaster...

Euphoric, filled with ups and downs, and there's always a chance that someone will throw up on you while riding.

Why do blondes like BMW and GMCs?

They can spell it

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

I like my girls like I like my coffee.

Dark and across the counter.

Marriage is like a deck of cards

It starts with Hearts and Diamonds and finishes with a Club and a Spade.

A guy was wondering what being a suicide bomber was like..

So I told him, “C4 yourself”

Redditors are like alchemists.

They try to convert upvotes to Gold.

As election season ramps up, I'd like for us to take a moment and Pray for our President.

Psalm 109:8.

I really like this gynecologist I’m dating

He checks a lot of boxes

Me: "Doctor, doctor, I feel like a deck of cards!"

Doctor: "I'll deal with you later."

Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flies like a banana.

Princess likes to date a lot of men

So when he proposed she took him to a crocodile infested lake she threw the ring in the water and said "Take it out" , so he took it out. She got really happy and said " All the other morons jumped in the lake".

I can watch the girl I like talk all day

Those cameras I bought recently are really good

The Chinese President has decided to make a red book of quotes, like Mao Zedong did.

He's calling it "That's what Xi said"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Being poor is like being gay

You’re born that way

Girls just want to be friends.

When you finally tell your parents they say “we knew”.

A guy being examined by a psychologist is shown an inkblot card. "What does this look like?" asks the examiner

The guy studies it for a moment. "Oh, that's an easy one! It's Rorschach series III, sequence 6, card 2."

My parents told me to like manlier things more since I’m a guy.

So I did.

And that, kids, is how I fell in love with your father.

Hi, I would like to book a doctors appointment please....

Receptionist: Sure thing, How about 11 tomorrow?

Man: No thanks, just one will be fine.

"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"

"You are not like the other girls, Dave."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife likes talking during sex

Yesterday, she called me from the Hotel.

A police officer knocked on my door around 8 last night to tell me it looks like my wife has been hit by a truck.

I explained that I agree, but she is a great mother, and is super nice.

Anxiety is like breast.

It grows as soon as puberty hits you.

A tree that I planted years ago became sick and looked like dying

So i dug around it to get to the root of the problem

A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream

"Where did you get that car?"He calmly told them, "I bought it today."


"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."


"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."


The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.