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My sex life is like COVID-19.

I don't have COVID-19.

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, "I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."

The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you."

The woman removes something from her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and discovers that it’s a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist's wife.
...

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My dad says we shouldn't reward people with trophies for participation, because it's like a reward for losing.

So I took his Vietnam Veteran hat

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My wife says if this post gets a 1000 likes, I can get anal on my cake day

Please upvote because I want this house to be spotless

My friend once told me, "Your wife and daughter look like twins!"

I replied, " Yeah well, they were separated at birth"

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My penis is like Joe Biden.

Slightly left-leaning, and nobody's first choice.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like
that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not ...

A man walks into a bar. Upon sitting down a busty blond waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food. He looks up at the menu above the bar it says:

Hot dog – $2

Cheeseburger – $5

Hand job – $10

He asks the waitress, “Miss are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” She winks and replies, “why yes I am.” He says, “Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.”

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My girlfriend surprised me tonight: she dressed up sexy like a police woman, handcuffed me to the bed and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

2 minutes later I was released due to lack of evidence.

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.

More on this after the break.

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What do you call a potato that looks like a penis?

A dictator.


What do you call a regular looking potato?

A commentator.


There are two potatoes standing on the side of the road, how do you tell which one is the hooker?

The one that says Idaho on it.

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LEGO bricks are like boobs...

...They're designed for kids, but it's the grown-ups who have more fun with them. Oh, and it hurts when someone steps on them.

A young boy is listening to the radio in the car with his father. “Dad, what music did you like growing up?”

“I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin,” the father replies.

“Who?” the son asks.

“Yeah,” the dad responds, “I liked them too.”

A few years ago I had a proud (step)dad moment I think this sub will like..

This was right after picking her up from preschool. She was usually a bit grumpy and I always tried to be fun and keep the drive home more upbeat.

 

Her: "I'm hungry."

Me: "Nice to meet you, hungry, I'm dad."

Her: "Ahhhhgh could you not say that anymore?"

...

Waiting for election results is like waiting for a grade on a group project.

I know I did my part right, but I am worried the rest of you screwed it up.

My wife asked me which of her friends I would like to have a threesome with.

Apparently I’m not supposed to pick two of them.

Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible.

After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"

Barack says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."

For my first wish, I ...

Guns are like gum...

Pull it out in class and everyone acts like you’ve been best friends since kindergarten.

Husband "the doctor said I should touch myself whenever I feel like it"

Wife "no, he said you could have a stroke at any time"

Son: Dad, what does it feel like being father to the best son in the world?

Dad: Son, I can not answer that question, but I bet your grandpa can.

Taylor Swift is dropping albums like I’m dropping pounds

Only two, but still more than anyone expected.

My teacher likes to start every day by reading a joke from Reddit. She was sick the other day, so

A subreddit.

The real reason women don't like guys under 6 feet.

Dead people really struggle to hold a conversation.

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My German girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10...

...last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9! 9! 9! That’s my best score yet!

There's a term for Presidents like Trump..

Probably not *two* terms though...

I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.

The jokes weren’t that good, but I liked the execution.

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck...

It’s a furry, cuz ducks shouldn’t be talking

People say I procrastinate like there’s no tomorrow

But there’s always tomorrow

My wife didn’t like my joke about a prisoner with dwarfism falling out of a window...

...she said it was a little condescending.

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well. I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite donkey Bessie into the... "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'". Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Be...

The police came to my front door tonight holding a picture of my wife.

They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, "Yes."

They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."

I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

Bono from U2 says he's given up on alternative search engines like Bing and will just use google from now on.

He still hasn't found what he's looking for

I like my coffee like how I like my slaves

Free

A radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, so it's kinda weird that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs."

That’s like humans having a city called “Liver Pool.”

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I imagine doing a massive shit is a lot like giving birth;

You push and strain really hard, feel happy when it finally comes out, and then there's no greater pleasure then admiring and holding it for the first very first time.

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A young lady in the maternity ward is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth of her child.

“I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "Okay do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either".

"Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm not attached to anyone. I'll be having my baby on my own".

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. “...

I read that I should treat my wife like I did on our first date...

...so tonight I'm dropping her off at her parents.

I like people like I like my tea.

In a bag....underwater

What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?

A shoe.

A girl tells her mom she’s dating the guy next door The mom’s like “you can’t date him he could be your dad” And the daughter is like “so there’s an age difference who cares”

“I think you misunderstood me”

Glasses wearers are less likely to get Covid-19...

I guess you could say we have nerd immunity.

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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that they would grant them one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN reporter said "well I'm an American, so I'd like one last hamburger with fries."

The leader nodded to an underling, who then returned with a burger and fries. The repo...

I want to die in my sleep like my Grandfather

Not screaming in terror like his passengers

I don't understand statistics like mean, mode and median

Is that normal?

My internet connection is a lot like my grandad

It's down most of the time, and even when it's up, it's shaky as hell and we all know it's gonna go down again soon

Relationships are like Indian food

They start out hot and spicy but end up with someone on the toilet crying and saying why me.

I’m like a cat when it comes to kids

I don’t really enjoy the product

But I love playing with the box it came out of.

my boyfriend is like the square root of -100

a solid 10 but completely imaginary

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Superman is out flying and sees wonder woman naked on a rooftop with her legs wide open and moaning in delight

He thinks to himself that as he is faster than a speeding bullet he can do his business with her and fly off before she knows it. He toys with the idea and decides to go for it. He swoops down fucks her with lightning thrusts and zooms off in a flash. The whole event lasts less than a second. As soo...

My daughter asked me why there are a lot of soaps that smell like lavender.

I said "It's just a popular smell that a lot of people like, like sweet orange, lemongrass and rosemary." She paused and then nodded and replied:

"Yes, that seems like common scents."

Mondays are like prostate exams...

A pain in the ass, but at least they only happen once per week.

Poof! Gone just like that.

A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three. He starts off by saying “uno, dos...” and poof! He was gone without a tres!

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An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"
And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, ...

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Tom had a terrible bicycle wreck, and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the ...

Going skydiving is like going to school

Your gonna have a hard day if you forget your backpack

How do yo get a farm girl to like you?

A tractor

I just read about a group of suicide bombers that were dressed like clowns.

It's a really messed up story, but credit where credit's due...at least someone's trying to put the fun back in fundamentalism

Look man, this insane need of yours to break into high-end cooking stores and steal kitchen utensils like this thing you're eyeing, is going to get you thrown back in jail if you're caught! Think of your family, please!

I appreciate the concern, I really do, but that's a whisk I've go to take!

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A married man was visiting his “girlfriend” when she suggested that he shave his beard. “Oh Ken, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.” Ken replied, “My wife loves this beard, there is no way I could shave it, she would kill me!!”

“Oh please?” the girlfriend asked again in a sexy little voice. Ken sighed and finally gave in and shaved his face smooth.

That night Ken crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. His wife woke up, reached over and felt his face and said, “Oh Tony, you shouldn't be here, my husba...

What do millennial eskimos do Friday night with girls they like?

Net fish and chill.

A woman wearing a dirty basketball jersey walks into a bar. She lifts her arm, showing everyone her hairy armpit. "Would any of you men like to buy me a beer?" she asks.

One man, who has drunk at least fourteen beers already, says, "I'd like to buy the ballerina a beer!"

The bartender says, "Look, sir, I have met many women over the years. Some were more tomboyish than girly, others more girly than tomboyish, but none as tomboyish as this woman. For example, ...

dolphins doing calculus be like

(eᴱ)' = Eeᴱ

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business. His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!" "I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."

"...

Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators?

Because it lifts their spirit.

Why does Michael J Fox like COVID-19?

No more hand shaking!

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While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

Life is like chess;

You can never find a mate.

No one likes me telling jokes about the Civil War...

I always end up getting Stonewalled.

My love for you is like diarrhea

I can't hold it in

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

What does olive taste like?

Ask Popeye.

Vaccinating your kid is like banning fire from a gas station

A good idea

Brittan decided that they will started driving on the right side of the road just like the rest of the world.

To eas people into this transition they will start with busses and trucks this week and normal cars next month.

I like my criminals like I like my passwords.

Case sensitive.

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Owning a successful business is just like telling people you’re pregnant.

Owning a successful business is just like telling people you’re pregnant.

Everybody says congratulations but nobody knows how many times you got fucked before you got there. 

Dark humor is like food.

Some people don't get it.

My friend recently had surgery, and tells me he feels like a million bucks

Sadly, he lives in Zimbabwe

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Sometimes I like to look at the world and think...

...how the fuck did I end up in space?!

What game do fascists like to play?

Nahtzee.

I didn’t feel like cooking tonight, so I made a sandwich for dinner

It wasn’t so much as a sandwich as much as it was just bread.

I guess more just grain.

Fermented grain.

Distilled, fermented grain.

I had whisky for dinner tonight.

I’d like to cancel my subscription to 2021

I’ve experienced the 7 day trial and I’m not interested

How do women like their eggs?

Ovaries-y

What’s green and smells like pork?

Kermits finger

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All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

Edit: alot of people moaning in the comments "this is a stupid joke, Trump did actually write some books so this makes no sense!?".

Look at the sub you are in, some of these posts you'll see will just be jokes. If you are the sn...

Tech company mission statements be like

We're a customer centric organization and we deliver the value of IOT, cloud, big data, blockchain, machine learning, and artificial intelligence by using design thinking to drive digital transformation for the connected enterprise.

People never like my cake jokes

I feel desserted

A lot of people won’t like me for posting this

This

At my cousin's birthday party, I held up a photo of my uncle and said "It's amazing how you look just like your father did at 40!"

That's the last quinceañera I get invited to.

I like my girlfriend like my friends

Imaginary.

I don’t think my girlfriend likes my schizophrenia meds

Because every time I take them she goes away

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Love is like a fart

If you have to force it, it’s probably shit.

What is something you say when something is too easy (like getting karma once a year?)

Piece of cake!

If Queen Elizabeth farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened

Noble gases should have no reaction

Why did Sherlok Holmes like the Mexican restaurant?

It gave him good case ideas.

Why are people acting like Kamala Harris is the first woman to obtain such a high ranking position in the US Government?

Have we all forgotten that Monica Lewinsky was directly under Bill Clinton?

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I got a vinyl album of wasp sounds the other day. Played it, didn't sound anything like wasps!

Turns out I was playing the bee side

I like my girls like my covid

19 and easily spread

A man went to the doctor...

He said, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has...

Life is just like a box of chocolates

It doesn’t last very long for fat people

Dungeons and Dragons is a lot like Bitcoin

I know it's popular but I don't understand it

How does Lady Gaga like her steak?

Raw Raw Raw-Raw-Raw

Letters between a father and son

Dear son;

Your mother and I love you very much, and we miss you dearly ever since you went to prison. I especially miss you now that spring is here, and it is time to plow the fields. The ground is hard, and my back is old. I am afraid I will never be able to plant the crops in time.
...

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My sex life is like an explosion

I watch them online, but never take part

What do you call French people who like manga and anime?

Ouibs.

On our first date, I couldn't figure out why my wife was acting like a fish.

Turns out she was just being Koi.

Lebron James is like Justin Timberlake.

No matter how good he his, he will never be Michael.

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American beer is like having sex in a canoe.

It's fucking close to water.

Once a salesperson asked me, " Do you like dark coloured furniture, Can I show you some? "

I said: oaky

Yeast is a lot like a hillbilly.

It's in bread

Who doesn't like hot wings?

Icarus

When I was younger, my dad went to prison because he set his boss’s house on fire. I always wondered if I’d wind up in jail like my old man, so I visited him one weekend and I asked him, “Dad, are we all pyromaniacs in this family?” And he said...

“Yes we are, son.”

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I'd like to take the opportunity on this, International Women's Day, to refute allegations that I'm a sexist.

I've got a friend who's a woman. And I believe she should be treated as if she *is* equal.

I don’t like holocaust jokes

Anne Frankley I won’t stand for them

Cemeteries are like very expensive exclusive clubs

They are overcrowded and people are dying to get in

There’s a term for people like Trump.

But there’s not a second one.

I don’t like stairs.

They’re always up to something.

I like to time travel...

But I only do it from time to time.

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Hitler walks up to the Pearly Gates and says to St Peter, "I'd like to come in."

St Peter: "Not likely!"

Hitler: “I've repented and I've given back all the gold and treasures that I stole from the Jews, and I'm really sorry."

At that point, Jesus walks up and asks what's going on.

St Peter: "It's Hitler here, he wants to come in."

Jesus: "Bugger off!"...

A mother hears a humming sound from her daughter's bedroom and walks in.

Finding her daugher sitting on the bed using her vibrator she asked, "What are you doing?!"

"I'm a 35 year old woman living with my parents. This is the closest I'll ever get to a husband, " replies the daughter.

The mother silently leaves the room. The next day, the father hears a hu...

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Sex for me is like finishing in WWE

1, 2, 3 it's over

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

My brain is like an F-22 Raptor

Aging, no longer in production and spare parts not available.

Singapore’s education system be like

Memo to all students : In order to assure the highest levels
of quality work and productivity from students, it will be
our policy to keep all students well taught through our
program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.). We are
trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any...

I don't like these jokes

I upvote them

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Tenacious D don't like boobs.

They are butt men.

Some people like dismembered hands.

It's just not my Thing

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Whenever I have sex it's like playing a game of hide or seek.

I'm always the one who yells: Ready or Not Here I Cum!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Those Who Had Sex, What Was It Like?

Oh wait, this is Reddit.

Congratulations to me! I just made my last mortgage payment!

I still owe like $262,000, but I'm just not going pay them any more.

What’s blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint.

I know it’s not mine. Not sure if it’s been posted before.

Someone asked me if I liked One Direction

I said "Yeah, South"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How is a selfie stick like a dildo?

There's usually a cunt at one end.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Arguing against an idiot is like playing chess against a pigeon

You strategically think of all the moves and you have the intelligence to win, but they will just shit on all the pieces and then strut around as if they'd won

If it looks like a dog, smells like a dog, and tastes like a dog...

Then your a monster

Why does Greta Thunberg like r/memes?

Everything there is recycled

Why does Meghan Trainor like to pour the meat juices over her roast during cooking?

She’s all about that baste.

For my cake day, I’d like to tell you that I eat zebras...

but then I’d be lion

My girlfriend got the COVID vaccine and it seems like the main side effect is...

...that she can't stop talking about getting the COVID vaccine.

Mama always said “Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.”

Well I did it! Bank balance: 9.11!

When I met a girl I liked, I used to put all my favorite things about her surrounded by curly braces inside a Javascript file.

I feel bad about it in hindsight. Now I know it's wrong to objectify women.

Dark humour is like clean water

Not everyone gets it.

I really shouldn't be driving in a state like this

Car's only registered in Queensland

I like the way that the main actress in *Interstellar* delivered her lines

She just Hathaway with words

I whispered in her ear what I would like to do to her and she said, "I'm getting really wet." "Turns you on, does it? I asked.

"Turns you on, does it? I asked. "No," she replied, "you dribble a lot."

My 8 year old son was in the garden playing football today, he tripped over his own feet and lay on the floor for 5 minutes, screaming and thrashing like he'd been beaten up.

I'm so proud of him, he's going to be in the Premier League one day :')

Waiter: “And how would you like your steak prepared?”

Me: “Guess”

Waiter: “Medium rare?”

Me: “Well done”

Waiter: “Uhhh..”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Russians prefer to eat potatoes shaped like penises?

Because Russia loves dick-taters.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Life is like a guy with premature ejaculation

A lot of anxiety, frustration and disappointment for small moments of happiness

Sometimes February feels like it will last forever...

But time Marches on.

My wife has been treating me like a god lately...

Ignoring my existence, unless she needs something from me

A tractor salesman shows up at Joe's farm...

The salesman approaches the farmer and says, "Good day to you sir! I'd like to tell you about our top-of-the-line tractor. You will not find a better tractor than this anywhere and I can see that you are a man of discerning tastes. Tell you what -- "

Old Joe interrupts the sales pitch and wit...

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Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undula...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact. “Judy, Judy.”<...

My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating?”

So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house.

Floppy disk is like Jesus

They died to become the image of saving

Well, we can’t use the expression ‘avoid it like the plague’ anymore.....

Coz apparently humans do not do that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I like to masturbate long words in my sentences.

Even if I don't know what they mean.

German: Do you like umlauts

me: No

German : Ö

I like my men how I like my coffee...

Extremely hot and capable of severely injuring my throat

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