UPJOKE
kindsamewantsortasalikelovesimilarseesuchpreferhedgeformadverbdesire

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

PETA is like a box of chocolates

They kill dogs

Looks like NFT prices have hit rock bottom.

Get your monkey for nothin' and your chimps for free.



I want my, I want my, I want my NFT.

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I eat p***y like I smoke cigarettes…

All the way to the butt.

I was going to donate blood today but they started asking way too many personal questions like...

“Whose blood is this?!"

“Where did you get it?!"

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Someone told me that wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy. Is that true?

Apparently, they feel great until you look down and realize you're gay

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my girlfriend says her pussy's like a rose

But I think it looks more like tulips

Dead LGBTQ+ people be like...

WAS/WERE

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I like my sex life like how I like my video games

Single player

Dads are like boomerangs.

I hope.

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Having sex with me is like microwaving food at 3am..

The longest minute and a half of your life!

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I told this girl I have a huge dick and she said I don’t like big dick.

So I said, Do you like liars?

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"My vagina is like the local gym," said my wife.

"What?" I asked. "Hot and sweaty?"

"No," she replied. "Only a few members use it regularly."

I was on a train and this woman opposite looked at me and said, "Everytime you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place...."

I asked, "Are you single?"

She replied, "No, I am a dentist."

A man calls up the White House and tells the receptionist, "I would like to become the next president of the United States."

The receptionist asks, "What are you, an idiot?"

The man asks, "Why, is it required?"

My girlfriend shouted at me, “You’re always acting like a detective. I want to split up!" Eyes growing wide, I replied...

"Great idea! We can cover more ground that way!"

Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your sister

It tastes the same but it's just not right.

My dad doesn't really like puns, so we told him our top 10 to see if any could make him laugh...

No pun in 10 did.

Did you know 10% of female deer like Mario?

It's one in ten doe

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My dick is like life.. Life is hard

Life is also short

My wife complained to me that our neighbor brings HIS wife flowers and chocolates but I don't do anything like that....

So now I bring my neighbors flowers and chocolates

Last week I was on a date with a girl and it was going pretty well till she said "What I really want is a guy who will treat me like a Princess."

So I hired some Paparazzi to follow her and she died in a car crash.

Women treat me like a god

They ignore me till they need something

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I think you'll like this joke, even though it's a little long

An Elderly Irish lady visits her physician
To ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance" she replied. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem," said the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra.”
"What on Earth is Iri...

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A guy went into a bank to ask for a loan. ‘I have some black powder,’ he told the manager. ‘You sprinkle it on a woman’s vagina and it makes it taste like a peach.’ ‘I’m sorry,’ said the manager. ‘I don’t think we can give you a loan for that.’

A few months later the same guy entered the same bank pushing a wheelbarrow full of money.
The manager said: ‘Congratulations. I guess that idea for black powder really paid off.’
‘No, that didn’t go anywhere. I made my money with this white powder.’
‘Really?’ said the manager. ‘What doe...

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A girl I met last night told me her pussy tasted like a rainbow...

Found out later, she meant trout, not Skittles.

My boyfriend is like the forest floor

Nuts and leaves

A truck driver was speeding down a country road and ran over a rooster. Being an honest man, he walked to the farm house and knocked on the door. An old man answered the door. “Sir, he said, I would like to replace your rooster”.

“Suite yourself” he said. “The chickens are out back”

Why don’t comedians like hanging out with Will Smith?

Because he’s always improving their punchlines.

what's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot

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Was having dinner with the in-laws and my MIL said …. ….’How many sausages would you like?’

I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’

She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’

‘Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid fat hairy cunt”

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Loosing weight is like golf…

None of us are any fucking good at it.

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My wife doesn’t like to talk after sex…

She texts me the details instead.

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I was standing at the bar in an International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says "No, why the fuck would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little fucker."

My wife asked me where I'd like to be buried ?

Apparently 'balls deep' in your sister wasn't the answer she was expecting.

I feel like my girlfriend and I don’t speak the same language sometimes

I say we have a “long distance relationship.”

She says I have a “restraining order.”

What do you call a biologist that likes to be shamed & humliated in the bedroom?

Biodegradable

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At the end of our first date, I sheepishly asked, "So, how do you feel about sex?" Giggling and blushing, she whispered, "I like it infrequently." Puzzled, I asked...

"Is that one word or two?"

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Procrastination is like masturbation.

It feels good while you do it. But at the end of the day, you're just fucking yourself.

My girlfriend isn't like other girls

She is actually willing to sleep with me.

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Life is like a penis

Women make it hard for no reason

When my wife told me she'd leave me if I didn't stop acting like a flamingo,

I had to put my foot down.

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There is a reason why I (20m) would like to not die a virgin

I would hate to be part of a jihadists heaven

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The other night in bed my wife whispered in my ear "I'll do whatever you want to make you feel like a king".

So I suggested we have sex in a bouncy castle.

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How it's like being a researcher for pornographic content on the Internet?

It's Hard.

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Sex is like Chess

Every move you can think of already got a name

Waiter: How would you like your steak sir?

Me: like winning an argument with my wife

Waiter: good choice, rare it is.

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give t...

Your pubes are a lot like the ocean

If you explore enough, you'll find crabs

Would you like to hear an alzheimers joke?

Would you like to hear an alzheimers joke?

A research paper should be like a women's skirt.

Short enough to keep my attention, but long enough to cover the subject.

On the first day, God created the dog...

God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of 20 years.”


The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only 10 years and I’ll give you back the other 10?"


So God agreed.
<...

I don't like discussing sunglasses with other people....

I find it to be a very polarizing subject

Noise Like a Frog

A little boy runs up to his grandpa and says, "Grandpa! Make a noise like a frog! Make a noise like a frog!".

"Make a noise like a frog?", he asks, "Why do you want me to do that?"

"Because I heard mom say, 'When my father croaks we're all going to Hawaii!'".

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're assigned to hell."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements.

After a wh...

Vaginas are like gyms....

I'm rarely inside one, but when I am, I sort of pretend to know what I'm doing and hope nobody notices.

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Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Hav...

Why do Short people like drugs?

Because they get them high

I look more like my mother than my father.

He doesn't look like her at all.

Dark humor is like a kid with cancer

it never gets old

my friend fed me rabbit for the first time and I told him it tasted like beer.

Must've been from all the hops.

The Clintons snuck out of Secret Service and spent a weekend driving around like in the good ol' days

They stop at a gas station and the owner, it turns out, is Hillary's high school boyfriend. After exchanging pleasantries they drive away and Bill says "See, if you'd married him, you'd be married to a gas station owner".

Hillary responds "No, Bill, if I'd married him, he'd become the Preside...

I bought my wife 12 dozen red roses but I don’t think she likes them.

She said that’s gross.

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Sex is like math

Sex is like math

Add the bed

Subtract the clothes

Divide the legs and hope you don't multiply

Why don't transphobes like PowerPoint?

Because they're afraid of transitions.

What weapon do sheep like to use while in prison?

A lamb shank

New York City is like Linux

* Spend the first year re-learning how to perform basic tasks
* Spend the rest of your lifetime claiming how much better it is
* Bad drivers

Source: @ chromakode on Twitter

What do you call someone who likes both Shrek and Fiona?

Bishreksual

(Courtesy of my 13yo son)

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
<...

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Life is like being a guy in a prison

You dont know how when or by whom you are gonna get fucked next.

What do you call the person whom your wife cheated on you with, that looks like you and has the same mannerisms as you?

A dopplebanger.

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A man on the street said I look like I have a penis in my mouth when I vape

So I took my Personal Electronic Nicotine Inhalation System and left.

What Star Wars charactor likes orange juice the most?

Emperor Pulpatine

A boss tells his new employee, "I'll give you 15bucks an hour starting today and in three months….,

I'll raise it to 18bucks an hour. So when would you like to start?"

"In 3 months," the employee replies.

My friend told me that on average, it is very easy to find a friend like me.

I told him he's being mean.

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

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I'm ageing like a fine wine

In a basement, untouched.

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Some people are like a fit ass.

They look good from the outside, but really vile and shitty on the inside.

How does James Bond like to sleep?

Under covers.

The Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.

When he sees the car, he motions to the driver and says: "Do you mind if I ask you a favor?"

"A favor for the Pope??" exclaims the driver, "of course - anything!"

"You know, I hardly ever get to drive, and I'd really like it if I got to drive now. Would you please let me?"
...

I have a huge problem with procrastination and I want to do something about it NOW, so I've started a self help group for others like me

Meetings begin next week

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Why is karma like anal?

They both get you in the end.

I hope this isn't a repost, I came up with it on my own but it seems like it should be a thing already

My friend (I call him E) and I went to a competition for our children a few months ago on who could name the most vowels. He gave me five dollars to go get a drink. Now when I walk my daughter to school, I see him and always remember that I owe him money. So, I call out, "Hey! E! I owe you!" For som...

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Grandpa tells his grandson, "All you kids do these days is play video games."

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

A pushup bra is like a bag of chips.

You open it up and it's half empty.

I'd like to thank

my legs, for supporting me. My arms, for always being at my side. My fingers; I could always count on them.

I have cat-like reflexes.

When I see a cat, I instantly like it.

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It seems like Will Smith is really insecure about his wife's physical appearance.

But I don't understand that. Obviously, she's a very strong, beautiful woman.
Otherwise we wouldn't all be fucking her.

(Stolen from Kill Tony)

My humor is a lot like Covid…

It’s tasteless, not meant for large crowds, and if you get it, you’re pretty sick.

I am getting so sick of millennials and their attitude.

Always walkin around like they rent the place.

When I get stoned I like to listen to Pink Floyd & eat a lot.

I have become comfortably plump.

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remember when jokes like this were funny... before smartphones?

A chap walks into a pub carrying two suitcases. He puts them down and orders a drink. As he pays the barman notices that he is wearing a large watch.

'That's a large watch' says the barman (see I told you!)

'This watch,' says the man, 'is the very latest in high tech gadgetry. It'll te...

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How is sex like snow?

Everyone talks about it, but it doesn’t always happen. Then when it does happen, you’re never sure how long it will last, or how many inches you’re going to get.

The geography of a woman as she ages: (from a friend)

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa .
Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe.
Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain.
Very hot, re...

Airline stewardess: Would you like some headphones?

Passenger: Yes, of course I would! How did you know my name was phones?

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Nowadays, coughing is like masturbation

Thanks to covid, you better do that shit in the privacy of your own home

Jokes are like hijacked planes

Sometimes they land, sometimes they don’t.

Just seen Van Gogh in the pub. Asked him if he would like a beer.

He said no thanks, I've got one 'ere.

Why don’t hipsters like the Mississippi River?

It’s to mainstream

Why does windmills like heavy metal?

Because they are a huge metal fan

A dog and a cat were having an argument on who is the favorite of humans

The dog says, “Humans like us more. They even named a tooth (canine) after us. Naming such an important body part after us shows that they like us more.”

The cat smiles and says, “You’re not really going to win this one you know.”

Your sister is just like a penny.

When i see her im hoping for head!

"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' I asked.

It's not unusual' he replied.

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcef...

Whenever I tell someone I sleep like a baby they always seem pleased,,,

I should probably find a different metaphor for waking up at 3 AM screaming and covered in my own urine.

what does a jamaican frog sound like?

reggae

I broke up with a girl once because she was having hallucinations.

She said "Carl, I.. can't see you anymore"... That was weird. I was like- "Babe, I'm standing right here." then she said "No, you don't understand... I'm seeing someone else" which was really bizarre because it was just the two of us in the room. I had to break it off after that.

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My penis might not be 12 inches

But it sure smells like a foot

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant.

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant
...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a can...

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People think working at a zoo is fun, but just like most jobs

You have a lot of shit to deal with.

For my Cake day I would like to share my biologist wife's favorite joke.

Two girls are giving relationship advice to their friend.

The confectioner says:

"The quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach." And offers to help the girl bake a cake.

The doctor says:

"That is actually false, the quickest way to a man's heart is through the...

What's invisible and smells like carrots?

Bunny farts!

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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. (one of my favourite jokes, worth the read)



However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the z...

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“My husband just wants to have sex all the time”

Vented the recently married woman to her sister, “it’s every day like clockwork he gets home from work, takes off his clothes at the doorstep and says “I’m home honey let’s hit the sack”. Don’t get my wrong I love him and the sex is good but I need a break I can barely walk””

Then the sister ...

I like my coffee how I like my men. I don’t like coffee.

Kidding, I liked it in college.

Your mom is like a brick..

Dirty, flat on both sides, and getting laid by mexicans.

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Ac...

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Having sex is just like driving a car.

Everyone thinks they are good at it.

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A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw an elderly man walking past. She hasn't had a customer in a while, so she calls out to him

"Hey, would you like to have a fun time with me?"

The old man said, "But I won't be able to..."

"Aww... give it a try... "

Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his dick and fucks her harder than he had in decades, and for 30 minutes!

When he's done, the pr...

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Just a friendly reminder to show respect to Ramadan

Yes, yes. I know we all like to have a good laugh about certain things. But Ramadan is a very important and sacred time for Muslims. And as a non-Muslim, I have since learned that we need treat it with some respect.

See, my next door neighbour is a Muslim. Ever since the start of Ramadan, I h...

When I was little, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason!

So I've worked all my life to invent a time machine of my own, and I'm going back to when he was little and we'll see how he likes the taste of his own medicine.

A man walks in a bar and says: 'I'd like 7 double wiskeys, please.'

The bartender nods and starts pouring 7 glasses of wiskey.

As soon as the first glass is ready the man starts chugging, one glass after another.

The bartender, dumbfounded, asks the man: 'Why are you drinking so fast?'

The man awnsers: 'well, you would do the same as me, if you ...

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Religion is like a penis.

I don't mind if you have one, I just don't want you shoving it down my throat.

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A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the church was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little talk at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had s...

Why do nurses like red crayons?

Sometimes they have to draw blood

If Will Smiths wife doesn't like alopecia jokes.

It's hair loss

If you ever feel like your job has no purpose, always remember

right now, there is someone who is installing a turn signal in a BMW

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Sometimes being cute is like having diarrhea.

Sometimes shit just runs in your genes.

Marriage is like playing a card game.

In the beginning, two hearts and a diamond are more than enough.

By the end, though, you want a club and a spade.

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

# So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all th...

I hope to be a millionaire, just like my dad.

He hopes to be one too. What did you think?

Why don't Natives like snow?

Cause it's white and it's on their land

(Disclaimer: I'm Native)

Apples are a lot like oranges

They're both fruit, they both grow on trees and you can't compare them to each other.

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Old Asian man ordered forty-two coffees. I said “you sure?”. He nodded yes…

Poured about 7 coffees and he starts shouting stop! stop! stop! I’m like “what happened?!” He repeated his order “ I want 4 tea 2 coffee” …

life is like a box of chocolates

the fatter you are, the shorter it lasts

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A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man says, "Yes,...

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "

I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's.... The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your ...

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A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is

losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it i...

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Why are boobs like a train set?

They're meant for children, but Dads love playing with them too!

Why are all these youtubers asking me to like Cher?

Is it her birthday or something?

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Toilet paper is sort of like the Starship Enterprise

it circles Uranus looking for Klingons.

I treat every day like I'm running a marathon tomorrow...

I load up on carbs, rest and don't run.

A wife is frying eggs for her husband in the morning

Suddenly the husband appears behind the wife's back and says:

"Careful, CAREFUL, put more fat in the pan! You're frying too many at a time. TOO MANY! Flip them! FLIP THEM! Come on!
Put more fat in there. Oh dear lord. How are you gonna make space for the fat now, look, they're sticking to ...

Do you know what it’s like to be a comedian with ADHD?

Why is this font so small?

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What does an 80 year old pussy taste like?

Depends

An Expensive Suit

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says t...

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People don’t believe me that I’m always eating rope which looks like the 21st letter of the alphabet

I shit U knot

My relationships are like fat people.

They don't work out.

A local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"


The lawyer thought about it for a minut...

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How is playing hide and seek like having sex?

After 10 seconds I yell “ready or not, here I come!”

When I die, I want the Uvalde police SWAT team to be my pallbearers.

That way, they can let me down like they let their entire city down.

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Dedicated to Amber Heard

After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and ...

How is Jesus like the best shampoos?

He’s 3 in 1

I like to lick women until they scream

Usually only takes one lick.

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Making pizza is a lot like having sex...

If you’re going to use barbecue sauce, you better know what you’re doing.

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