My wife asked me which of her friends I would like to have a threesome with.

Apparently I’m not supposed to pick two of them.

Waiting for election results is like waiting for a grade on a group project.

I know I did my part right, but I am worried the rest of you screwed it up.

dolphins doing calculus be like

(eᴱ)' = Eeᴱ

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Tom had a terrible bicycle wreck, and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the ...

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

There's a term for guys like Donald Trump.

But apparently not 2 terms.

Why are people acting like Kamala Harris is the first woman to obtain such a high ranking position in the US Government?

Have we all forgotten that Monica Lewinsky was directly under Bill Clinton?

I don’t think my girlfriend likes my schizophrenia meds

Because every time I take them she goes away

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

Edit: alot of people moaning in the comments "this is a stupid joke, Trump did actually write some books so this makes no sense!?".

Look at the sub you are in, some of these posts you'll see will just be jokes. If you are the sn...

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

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A dwarf with a speech impediment goes into a stud farm, 'I'd like to buy a horth' he says to the owner of the farm.

'What sort of horse?' said the owner.

'A female horth' the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare. 'Nithe horth.' says the dwarf,

'Can I thee her eyeth?' So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. 'Nithe eyeth.', says the dwarf,

'Can I thee her teeth?'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking marijuana and appeared in court. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, I'd like to give you a second chance. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew a little circle in a big circle and told them the big circle is your...

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I told my wife that I would like to get a penis tatoo that says "My wife loves this long schlong"

She told me to stop putting words in her mouth

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Isaac is a Jewish man, however he recently found out his son converted to Christianity. This is no good, for Isaac is a proud, devout Jew. This shouldn’t happen to a proud Jew like he.

So Isaac visits his friend Abel and says ‘Abel, Abel, my son has become a Christian, what am I going to do?’
‘Funny you should say that’ says Abel, ‘My son has also become a Christian, this should not happen to a proud, devout Jew like I. So they talk with each other and say ‘we’ll talk to the Ra...

My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating?”

So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house.

I like my men how I like my coffee...

Extremely hot and capable of severely injuring my throat

How are republicans and democrats like divorced parents?

They care more about you hating the other person than they do about your well-being.

Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?

I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.

For Me, Chess is a Lot Like Tinder

I know a few openings, but continually struggle to put myself into mating positions

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sex life is like COVID-19

I don't have COVID-19

I wish my college professors graded papers like Trump 'wins' elections

\*Professor grading my test\*

Well he got the first couple questions right looks like I can stop grading the rest.

My uncle is like a good love story

Very touching

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

Despite them not knowing what a Trump fan was but wanting to be liked by the teacher, they all raised their hands. Well, all except for little Timmy.

The teacher looks over to little Timmy and asks, “Timmy, why are you bein...

My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess

So I took her to Paris.

We went to wonderful restaurants and stayed in an expensive hotel.

Then I crashed our car in a tunnel and she died.

Bread is like the sun.

It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.

I'm not afraid of getting Alzheimer's because it's like being famous.

You don't recognize anybody, but everybody recognizes you.

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A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it’s.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it hap...

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I met this prostitute in Moscow. I was apprehensive about having sex with her, so I told her my likes, dislikes, my goals, dreams and my life story

I guess you could say I wasn’t Russian, but was really Stalin to Putin

My friend and I make frequent conjugal visits to a local female prison, to remind the inmates what it's like to have a selfless guy go down on them.

It just gives us some scents of perp puss.

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little piano. The piano man starts pla...

It was getting close to my wife’s birthday. She was looking at herself in the mirror. I asked her what she’d like for her birthday. She sighed and said I’d like to be eight again...

On the morning of her birthday. I woke up early and made her a nice big bowl of coco pops. I then took her to for a special trip to Legoland. On the way home we stopped at McDonald’s where I got her a Happy Meal together we a special McDonalds balloon. We then went to the cinema where they were pl...

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Having some areas in pandemic lock down and others not in lock down is like...

trying to organize the pissing section in a swimming pool.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend left me because she didn’t like that i had a name for my penis..

I guess i will have to take Matters into my own hands.

Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot...

The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.

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An alien couple land their saucer in a farmer's field

They approach the house and explain to the farmer and his wife that they are intergalactic swingers. He asks them is they are ok to spend the night and then go back to their planet in the morning. The farmer and his wife talk it over and agree.

The male alien takes the farmer's wife into th...

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Half of the people who tried anal liked it

The other half says its a pain in the ass

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A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He ...

Little Billy came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home, Billy mentioned: Dad, our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs like that?

His father, thinking quickly, said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad, that's great," said little Billy.

A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad! Dad, we almost lost Mom t...

I don’t like people who take drugs…

For example, airport security.

One furry asked another furry how she like it in bed

'Ruff', she said.

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

I'd like to congratulate Donald J Trump for winning

The silver medal in the 2020 presidential election.

Marriage is like a deck of cards.

At the start you need a diamond and a heart but at the end you need a club and a spade.

My girlfriend is like √-100.

She is a 10 but she is also imaginary

As a Canadian, the Presidential Debate feels like...

As a Canadian, the Presidential Debate feels like overhearing your downstairs neighbours debating about whether or not to set the building on fire.

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4 types of orgasm...

Do you know that there are 4 types of orgasm… the Holy Orgasm, The Positive Orgasm, the Negative Orgasm and the Fake Orgasm.
The Holy Orgasm sounds like ‟Oh God, oh god…”
The Positive Orgasm goes ‟Yes, yes, oh yes, ”
The Negative Orgasm goes ‟no, no, oh no”
and the fake orgasm, the fa...

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.

More on this after the break.

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What kind of cookies do pornstars like?

Double Stuffed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Marriage is like a fart

If you force it, it’s shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill Clinton likes to go for a walk every Saturday evening...

One evening, he passed by an alley, and a prostitute yelled at him,
‟Fifty dollars will buy you a good time!”

He responded by saying ‟How‘s about 5 dollars?”, jokingly, and kept walking.

This same hting kept happening every Saturday for a couple weeks; every time Bill passed the p...

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I don't like the term Anal Bleaching.

I prefer calling it Changing Your Ringtone.

If you say AT&T backwards

You sound like a Canadian Bomb Technician.

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Why don't most girls like anal? (NSFW)

Idk either, cause they sure love to date assholes.






(this is a joke don't take it serious based off what a female friend said to me XD)

I like to keep a list of all the girls I've slept with

Its called my marriage license

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[NSFW] A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it l...

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What do you call a woman that likes to have sex with homeless men? (NSFW)

A Hobosexual

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I get treated like a God

People leave me the fuck alone till they want something from me.

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How is Bud Light like having sex in a boat?

They're both fucking close to water.

I have so many insecurities but from now im going to start acting like a plant.

Get to the root problems

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How is a woman like a condom?

Both spend more time in your wallet than your dick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Procrastination is like masturbation..

In the end you’re only fucking yourself.

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What does 90 year old pussy taste like?

Depends

Women are like numbers

If they are under 18 just do them in your head

My husband commented on the new store that is being built nearby: “That’s a nice looking Aldi!”

I told him it just looks like Aldi others.

...

Sorry y’all. It’s been such a bad day, and this little exchange my hubby and I had earlier had us both laughing probably more than we should have. Hope it makes one of you out there smile too.

Time flies like an arrow..

Fruit flies like a banana!

A girlfriend is like a good US president

I'd love to have one

I like to imagine that the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the brella.

But he hesitated.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend's ass is like a peach.

It's hairy and makes a horrible yogurt.



\- Gary Delaney

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Inviting people during Covid is like having sex

You can't force them to come.

It's Not That I Didn't Like The Prostate Exam,

It's just the way he massages my shoulders while he's doing it.

A new study shows that unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic

Because they are more likely to be dead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Being in the military is like getting a blowjob.

The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I flopped my cock out in front of a girl last night and said, "Do you like my new piercing?"

After staring at my penis for 30 seconds she said, "Where's the piercing then?"

I said, "In my ear."

Just a quick note to my American cousins. Voting is like driving a car....

'D' to go forward.

'R' to go reverse.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

Dads are like boomerangs

I hope :(

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[nsfw] I like my ballots like my wife has sex...

Mailing it in and taking forever to come!

Ah, thank you!

Dave was getting robbed in the desert

he gave the robber his money and asked the robber shoot a few bullets in his hat to make it believable to his wife that he was robbed.

he then asked," shoot a few bullets in the coat while you're at it, I want to look like I fought you and not look like a coward"

after the robber shot...

I don't like people who do Yoga

They're a bunch of posers if you aske me.

A balding white haired man walks into a jewelry store with a beautiful much younger gal at his side...

He
told hte jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
anoth...

People be like I am fat because my mother cooks good food...

...I am like I am single because I have strong hands.

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A drunken man who smelled like beer say down on the subway next to a priest...

The man’s tie was stained; his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.He opened his newspaper and began reading.After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?”The priest repli...

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**NSFW** A 20 year old joke

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hangi...

I'd like to take a moment to say thank you student loans for getting me through college.

I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you.

Just because I look drunk, sound drunk, and act like I'm drunk,

Doesn't mean I don't love you maaaaaan. I love you... SO.. MUCH.

I like my cousins like my ham

Inbred

Why is a dog like a tree?

Because they both lose their bark when they’re dead.

We are all like Stormy Daniels now.

Just waiting for him to finish.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jewish pilot and Chinese pilot are flying together for the 1st time.

An hour into the flight, the Jewish pilot says to his Chinese counterpart “I don’t like the Chinese.”

Stunned, the Chinese pilot replies “Why don’t you like the Chinese?”

“Well” says the Jew, “the Chinese bombed Pearl Harbor.”

Even more stunned, he replies ”The Chinese didn’t bo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Recount is like......

measuring your dick and hoping for a longer outcome each time.....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

American beer is like making love on a canoe

It's fucking close to water.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend told me to fuck her like a man

So I stuck it in ehr ass and said ‟yeah, you like that Steve?”

Day 268 at home And the dog continues looking at me like “See?? This is why I chew furniture.

I've eaten 9 meals and taken 4 naps, and it's STILL today. Are you kidding me?

In case you've lost track, today is December 268...

This virus has turned us all into dogs. We roam the house all day grazing for
food. We're told "NO!" if we get too close to strangers. We get really exc...

What’s sneezing on your period like?

Smacking the bottom of an open ketchup bottle.

If you ever feel like your life has no meaning

Just remember that there is a guy in the BMW factory installing turn signals.

What's the difference between like and love ?

A Spit and a Swallow

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I overheard my neighbor say she had a shitty day, so I anonymously sent her a meat lover’s pizza

She’s a vegan and I hate her fucking guts

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do hackers like anal?

They always go through the backdoor

I really like my new job in the vacuum industry

There's no pressure.

Sure, I like to watch M*AS*H* episodes.

But not Alda time.

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's invisible and smells like carrots?

Rabbit Farts..

My 7 yr. old neice told me this the other day, and I bout lost my shit..lolol

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

I don't like that clown from IT.

He's always fooling around and cracking jokes instead of fixing our computers.

In high school I was voted Most Likely to Lie About Past Accomplishments.

It’s true...

If you don't like vinegar, but you use it anyway...

You'll have...... vinaigrette.

Elevators are like my life.

Awful music and full of people who can't wait to get out.

Where does Donald Trump like to do his shopping?

Traitor Joe's.


^(Gotcha!)

What does South Korea look like after a nuclear war with North Korea?

Not a Seoul there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Like father like son...

A young boy says to his father "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7x9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9x7?' so I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' "

"What is the difference?" asks the father...

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What do you call a sailor who likes to get tied up and gagged during sex?

A submarine

PETA is like a box of chocolates.

They kill dogs.

What kind of glasses do people who like guys and girls wear?

Bifocals

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't people like to hit a Trump Pinata?

Because they know it's full of shit.

History is a lot like Imagine Dragons...

It's repetitive, never really good, and somehow only getting worse.

Interview for Australian visa for first time mostly be like:

A : Do you have criminal record?

M: No, I didn't knew it's still required?

What's blue and smells like red paint?







blue paint.

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Not having sex tonight

One evening last week,my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,the passion starts to heat up,and she eventually says,‘I don‘t feel like it,I just want you to hold me.‘

I said,‘WHAT??!! What was that?!‘

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.... <...

I'd like to take a moment to remember Paul McCartney (1942-2020).

He's still alive, that's just how long he's lived so far.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man has a parrot that likes to swear.

One night, a girl he's been dating for a while, is coming over to his place. So he grabs the parrot by the neck and tells him

"Listen you little shit, no swearing tonight, alright!? Also I will tie two string on your legs, and when the girl pull one of them I want you to come up with a compl...

What's green and smells like pork?

Kermit the frogs finger

My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess

So I arranged her marriage with Philip VI of Valois to strengthen the alliance with France.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hiring a prostitute is a lot like eating at Subway

You pay someone else to do your wife’s job.

Did you ever notice the word “dumbass” upside down looks like a car??

Dumbass

A maid decided it was time to demand a raise, so she went directly to the Lady of the house's private study

Maid: "I'd like a raise."

Mrs. Smith:"Why do you think you deserve a raise?

Maid:"Three reasons. First, I can cook better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Your husband. Second, I clean better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Y...

Like many people in lockdown I've been getting most of my clothes online

My neighbours now take their washing in at night

Women are like spaghetti.

They're only straight until they get wet.

Men get paid more than women because they choose high paying careers like doctor, engineer, and CEO

Women pick low paying careers like woman doctor, woman engineer, or woman CEO

I asked my North Korean friend what life was like there.

He can’t complain.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I said to my wife "When I die," I'd like to die having sex"

She replied: “At least it’ll be quick.”

Hot actors are like hot ovens

It usually makes the news whenever someone puts a baby inside them.

How was it like, flying for the first time?

"I think I did quite well. Everybody in the room was clapping", the second mosquito said.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So the other day I said to me wife - you know seems like these days we only have Social Security sex."

She gives me a strange look - "Social Security sex?"

I said "Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Happiness is like pissing yourself

Haven’t felt it since I was 5.

I finally hooked up with the girl who said, “You’re like a brother to me”.

I said, “Well, if you incest”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was standin next to this bloke in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a mobile phone rings.

He was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I thought straightaway wot a smug bastard!

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the Metro Centre now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It' s only £1,000. Is it OK ...

My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”

I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Reddit Karma is like women

At first, everyone seems to have it except you.

No one knows how they work but everyone want them.

It would look really hard to get it untill you finally get it unexpectedly, somehow.

A difference of opinion and you lose them.

But they give you a sense of value even after...

Everyone asks me why I eat like I got out of prison. I explain them that in a family with 5 siblings it's a race to the snacks like lives depend on it.

Also I've spent 9 years in prison.

Told the waitress my coffee tasted like mud.

"It should, it was fresh ground this morning. "

Women treat me like a corndog

They want all the bread and none of the meat

Why do people ask if you like live music.

Of course I like live music, dead music has body but it doesn't have soul...

My ex was just like my Netflix account

Shared by five dudes

a gun is like a pack of gum.

when you pull it out at school everyone acts like they have been your best friend since kindergarten

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Surrendering to Germany is like fucking a horse

You only have to do it once to be remembered for it

People say I procrastinate like there’s no tomorrow

But there’s always tomorrow

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tits are like Lego bricks.

They're there for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Met a girl at a bar. She asked me if I liked sex.

Sure, I said. She asked me if I liked to travel. I told her I did.

Then why don't you fuck off? she said.

A girl tells her mom she’s dating the guy next door

The mom’s like “you can’t date him he could be your dad”

And the daughter is like “so there’s an age difference who cares”

“I think you misunderstood me”

This year has been so weird it feels like tomorrow isn't election day

Oh yeah I'm not American

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I'm hungry but on a diet, I simply think of stuff like 2 Girls 1 Cup to stave off the hunger.

That way I'm far too horny to think about eating.

I like updoots, I like silver

Cake day cake day please deliver

My friend told me, “You have a B.A., a Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.”

It was a third degree burn.

Yesterday, my wife finally told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo.

Reluctantly, I had to put my foot down.

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