This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Religion is like a penis.

It’s fine to have one. It’s fine to be proud of it. But please don’t whip it out in public and start waving it around.

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Boobs are like the sun

You can only stare at ‘em for a very short time. But if you wear sunglasses, you can stare at ‘em as much as you want.

How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day waiting for the arrival and nothin...

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Having sex with me is like microwaving food at 3am..

The longest minute and a half of your life

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Religion is like a vagina.

Many people like being in one. It can feel warm and welcoming.

But you shouldn't pull someone into yours without their consent.

I used to date a girl who was a fan of “Lion king” like me.

Whenever we made out, she used to say Sukona ma tatas.

I always corrected her saying that it’s Hakuna matata.

I just realized that I am an idiot.

No one laughed at my joke I made in school so maybe you guys will like it

What do you call an english teacher who knows how to code

A pro-grammar

Person 1 says: I like Eminem

Person 2 says: Well, I prefer Skittles.
Person 1 says: No- I meant the rapper.
Person 2 says, confused: Why would you eat the wrapper?

What do you call 2 pirates that like each other?

a pirate ship


i know it sucks but i literally made this on the spot like a couple mins ago and thought to share it

I had an ex-girlfriend that liked it in the ear

"How the hell did you find that out?" asked my friend.

"Every time I tried to put it in her mouth she'd turn her head!"

Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."


Passenger: "Who?"


Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you ...

I like my coffee how I like my slaves.

Free.

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Sex with your wife is like traveling by train...

Nothing comfortable, but you will get where you need to.

I don't like anti-vaxxers

They make me sick!

You know how people were joking about 2021 sounding like “2020 won”?

Well, next year is 2020 too.

Only when that year is over will it finally be 2020 free.

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There's actually a mathematical formula to describe all the Republicans lining up to pretend like the January 6th attack didn't happen.

It's called the Fibbing Nazi Sequence.

Why do white women like trading stories about asking for the manager?

Because Sharon is Karen.

My wife asked me where I'd like to be buried? \

Apparently "balls deep in your sister" wasn't the answer she was expecting.

Studies show that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians.

Because owning Christians isn't legal, obviously.

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My sex life is like Coca-Cola.

First it was normal, then light and now zero.

My friend and I frequently give conjugal visits to an all-female prison, to remind the inmates what it's like to have a selfless guy go down on them.

It just gives us some scents of perp-puss.

Farts are like children

I’m proud of mine but disgusted by yours

Sat down in a restaurant to eat dinner last night, and the waiter asked if I'd like to hear today's special.

I said yeah

He said, today is special.

I said, I can appreciate a good dad joke, but can you tell me about the menu please.

The waiter slams his notebook down on the table, and says, sir the men I please is my own private business.





**EDIT**

Thank ...

When I die, I hope it’s peacefully in my sleep, like grandpa

Not screaming in terror, like his passengers.

Meeting my wife was like winning the lottery…

…because 3 years later I was completely broke

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3 stoners buy a horse

They go home with the horse and make it stay in the living room.

One of the friends pull out a bong and they all take hits until they're stoned.

While stoned they come up with an idea to have fun with the horse.

They attach a feeding muzzle onto the horse and funnel in smoke fro...

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The Sperm Clinic nurse asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup.

I said I wasn’t ready for competitive wanking.

Can we ban the “yo momma” jokes from this sub? They’re old, stupid and have been used by everyone hundreds of times.

Just like yo momma.

Dad's are like boomerangs

I hope

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During a church service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to be prayed for.

Susan stood and walked to the podium. She said, “Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”

There was a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation.

“Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused ...

Earlier today, I saw a bumper sticker that said "I'm a veterinarian, therefore I can drive like an animal."

Suddenly I realized how many proctologists are on the road.

After only a week of dating, my girlfriend broke up with me because she doesn't like my comparisons...

I feel worst than a turkey sandwich on a yacht.

What is green and smells like pork?

Kermit’s fingers

How do you keep Texans and their politics in Texas?

Place a "Welcome to California" sign on every road leading out of Texas. They'll turn right around.

*Edit*: Hey, hey, hey. If you don't like the joke, downvote ME. Leave my commenters alone!

What's red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint.

Marriage is like a card game.

At first, you have two Hearts and a Diamond, but at the end, you'll want a Club and a Spade.

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A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing hap...

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Masturbation is like procrastination

Because in the end you’re fucking yourself

John, a wealthy 60 year old man, shows up at the country club one day with his new wife, a smoking hot 22 year old blonde.

His buddies are amazed. "There is no way someone that young and attractive would agree to marry an old geezer like you. How did you pull it off?"

"It's simple," John says, "I lied to her about my age."

"Did you tell her you were 50?" his friends ask. John shakes his head no.

"Th...

This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little ...

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If you feel like life is slipping through your fingers

Just stop masturbating.

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I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

An Australian, and Irishman and a Brit were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:

My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.


The Irishman calls out across the lounge: "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"? Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am J...

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Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one

So, if you don't have one


You're full of shit.

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

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My mama always said life was like a penis

When it gets hard...fuck it

A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"

God said yes.

The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"

God said yes.

The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"

God said, "Sure, just a second."

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A woman gets off a roller coaster at an amusement park. Feeling dizzy from the ride, she immediately falls to the ground, unconscious.

She wakes up to find a man rubbing her breasts. "What are you doing?" she asks.

"I was just reviving you," replies the man. "When I saw you unconscious on the ground, I lightly slapped you, but nothing happened. I rubbed your wrists, but nothing happened. I even gave you mouth to mouth, but s...

How does a cat like its steak cooked...

Raaaaaaaare.



I know I know. Dad joke but I'm desperate for some love since it's my birthday.

Why is a one-night stand with a man like a snowstorm?

You never know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get, or how long it will last.

A guy walks into a store and says to the clerk, “I’d like a pound of kielbasa please.”

The clerk looks at him, squints his eyes, and says, “You’re Polish, aren’t cha?”

The man looks surprised and says, “Now how did you know that? Was it because I asked for the national meat of Poland? Or did something else give it away?”

The clerk replies, “It’s because this is a hardwar...

Right now my brain is like a web browser.

I've got 21 tabs open. 5 of them have crashed, and I can't work out where the music is coming from.

Dark humor is like water

Not everyone gets it.

Texas sounds like an interesting place

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas.

When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big!” The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in Texas.”

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in th...

I'm like Cinderella - I wash, clean, cook ...

Wife:

\- I'm like Cinderella - I wash, clean, cook ...

The husband responded:

\- I told you, if you marry me, you will live like in a fairy tale!

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I don't like to call it "masterbation"

I refer to it as a "do it yourself project"

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Sex is like pizza

Even if it’s bad I still gotta pay for it.

Hurricanes are a lot like marriage

First there’s a lot of blowing. Then your house is gone.

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I slept like a baby last night

I slept like a baby last night.

I woke up every hour wishing I had a boob in my mouth.

I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends.

She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."

I like to pick girls up at cover band concerts

Since I already know they're willing to settle

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Man walks in to a bar with a nose shaped like a cock.

Barman says "Why the Schlong face"

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A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it is.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it happ...

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Success is like being pregnant.

Everyone says congratulations, but nobody knows how many times you got fucked.

I'm starting to not like the Middle East.

The plot's too confusing and I can't connect with any of the characters.

I don’t like making 9/11 jokes

Because they usually crash and burn

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I always wondered why my gf brings cake and confetti when we have sex....

Turns out she likes to celebrate the little things.

my crush is just like a marshmello

because she is soft, white and everyone put their stick inside of her.

Middle school for me was like Charles Darwin…

Naturally, I wasn’t selected by anybody.

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I like to tell dick jokes, but not foreskin jokes...

They always go over people's heads.

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My girlfriend's vagina smells like roses....

But, Rose's is tighter...

What's orange and sound like parrot.

Carrot

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So Joe had these headaches...

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

Scrolling this sub is like fixing a fence that's fallen.

Repost. Repost. Repost.

NSFW. What do you call a hooker that likes to take it in the rear

NSFW

A back ho

(Fogive me, 1st post but my dad told me this one today.)

Life is like a box of chocolates

Fat people go through it faster than skinny ones

Why do British people pronounce the word “Bri’ish” like they do?

Because they drank all the T.

(Told to me by my 11yo)

My GF said she was fed up with me acting like a detective.She wanted to split up.

I said,Good Idea,That way we can cover more ground!

How is a car like a human?

Gas comes out the tailpipe.

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Military is cutting staff (repost most likely)

The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points ...

Why do anacondas like hamburgers?

Cause it got buns, hun

An Indian has a seat between two Pakistani's on board an airplane.

It's quite obvious to each of the three men know where they are from. The Indian asks, "Pardon me gentleman, you wouldn't mind me sitting between you to do you? This is my seat after all."

The Pakistanis look at each other, and then look back at him. One of them smiles and says, "Not at all! ...

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I saw a homeless man with a sign that read “$1 for a dirty joke”

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “Look there, you can see a Rooster right? How many legs does it have?"

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Correct, now how many wings does this Rooster have?”

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Right...

I don't like Muslin Afghans and think people should stone them.

A good stonewash can make muslin fabric softer and more flexible which is better suited for afghans and blankets in general, otherwise just go with a soft acrylic yarn.

What do chemists like to watch on YouTube?

Reaction videos.

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Theme parks are like losing your virginity.

You wait ages for a ride, and it’s over in 30 seconds. And you’re probably not the first one on the ride.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Opinions are like assholes…

… if an expert tells you there is something wrong with yours, it is best to have it examined.

I don't like Moussaka

It's too Greecy

A good conversation is like a miniskirt…

Short enough to retain interest, but long enough to cover the subject.


Credit: Celeste Headlee’s sister

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you ever read a story that is 100% true but sounds like a joke?

You're about to.

This happened when i was 19, in 2008.

I'm italian, and at the time i was dating this girl that was one year older than me. She was studying oriental languages and cultures at the uni and was also learning chinese (mostly cantonese).

One day we went on a date to ...

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What the tooth fairy looks like

This came from the book “chicken soup for the dental soul” my dentist had it in the waiting room.

I’m quoting from memory.

A 5 year old girl just lost a baby tooth and the dentist was explaining to her that if she put her tooth under the pillow at night that the tooth fairy would come ...

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A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account." [NSFW]

A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account."

The teller, upset, says "We don't tolerate language like that here."

The man asks "What's the fucking problem? It's not like anyone really gives a shit!"

The teller then leaves with...

what would a world without women be like?

a real pain in the ass

Arguing with a woman is like being arrested…

Everything you say can and will be used against you.

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Old Woman

An old lady is walking down the street carrying 2 large sacks and one is leaking $20 bills.

A cop stops her and asks "Where did an old lady like you get all that money?" and she replied,

Well you see I live behind a golf course and when the golfers need to pee they stick their penis in...

Body builder to blind dude: with enough training, you can get ripped like me

Blind dude: I feel you.

I don't like over confident people

Edit: Thanks for the silver!

Edit2: thanks for the gold!

Edit3: thanks for the platinum!

Edit4: thanks guys! I never expected this post to blow up like it did!!

Edit5: thanks for the argentinium!

Edit6: thanks for the ternium!

They say in every friend group, 1 person is likely to commit murder.

I killed the guy I suspected before they could do any harm.

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Sperm count

An 65 year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which wa...

I asked my friend what it’s like living in China

He said, "I can't complain"

Vaginas are like gyms.

I'm rarely inside one, but when I am I just sort of pretend to know what I'm doing and hope no one notices I don't.

Excorcising an evil computer be like...

The power of Christ compiles you!

THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPILES YOU!

What days do Canadian stoners like the best?

I'm pretty sure they're all fried, eh?

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Cardboard is a lot like 1-ply toilet paper. It's not really good at absorbing,

But it's really good at moving shit around.

Your body is a lot like your car

You shouldn't let just anybody put stuff in your trunk.

My mom didn't like my report card...

I said Okay.

Mom: I want more A's.

Me: Okaaaaaaaaaay.

A Blonde went to buy a Pizza, Chef asked her, would you like it cut into 4 or 8 slices.?

Blonde replied, 4 please.

There is no way I could possibly eat 8 slices.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The economy is like sex

If you're on the bottom, you're either fucking up or getting fucked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend has a pussy like a mouse's ear.

Mickey's, unfortunately.

Scarlett Johansson is on a plane that crashes on a remote island.

She and some regular guy are the only two survivors. They make the best of their situation, scavenge what supplies they can from the plane, and try to keep going.

They build a little hut on the beach and - both of them having certain "needs" - eventually start hooking up.

This keep goi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex is like a bank account

You deposit, withdraw, then lose interest

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My covid status is like my sex life

I'm vaccinated

Time flies like an arrow

but fruit flies like a banana

Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible. After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"

Obama says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."

For my first wish, I said "Let me say this, and this is profoundly important...I want Michelle to marry me...I love her,...and I thin...

Despite being in my mid-forties, every morning when I wake up, I feel like a twenty-year-old...

But there's never one available.

It feels like there is a new diet fad every other day

everyone is so concerned about trans fats but I think we should respect fat people and let them identify however they want

Grandmothers are like websites

They keep asking you to accept their cookies.

Life is like the ocean

In the years before World War II, in a little Polish village, a learned rabbi used to teach his students, “Life is like the ocean.” And they would nod and respond, “Yes, life is like the ocean.” One young student was particularly taken with this philosophy, and he carried it with him through the lon...

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Jane had developed a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied. Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing, got completely naked and laid down on...

How is Reddit like Playboy?

No one reads the articles.

An engineer dies and goes to hell

An engineer dies and goes to Hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and uncle...

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A man goes to an animal market

He goes up to a rooster seller and buys a rooster.

The seller hands it to him and says, "Oh, in this business, we call it a cock".

The man takes note and goes to buy a hen seller.

The seller hands it to him after paying and tells him "By the way, in this business, we call it a ...

Coke is like Russian roulette:

If the first time is mind-blowing your life is probably over

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Friends are like boobs.

Some big, some small. Some real, some fake.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Telling the girlfriend's parents that you fuck their daughter like a wild marten in gooseberries is unacceptable.

Instead, tell them that you are trying for a baby, and then everyone will celebrate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My fighter pilot friend says flying a helicopter is like masterbating.

It feels good, but it's embarrassing if your friends see you doing it.

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An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at varying levels.

The monkeys at the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces, whereas the monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

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There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighborhood tavern every night…

Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that screen door would kick open and if you looked closely you’d see that crazy little mouse. He’d sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big shit-eating grin. High fives with the bartender. “Gimme a beer, Sam!” “Sur...

God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me…"

Adam Said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God Said, "Go down Into that Valley."

Adam said, "What's A valley?"

God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the River."

Adam said, "What's a River?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to t...

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What do you call someone who runs like Naruto ninja?

A virgin.

I have done some research, and discovered what food you are most likely to die of a heart attack.

"Caesar Salad."


[OC.]

How is marriage like a Hurricane?

In the the beginning you get blown a lot

and it ends with you losing your house.

I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.

She said "It's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!" .

Thinking back, I really should have run but you don't get offers like that every day.

A cheating husband decided to write a letter to his wife.

"My Dear Wife,



You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54 year-old, can no longer satisfy. I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the...

If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "You know they always say, 'if you like it then you should put a ring on it,'" he comments to the bartender. "I must really like shower curtains," the bartender replies.

My girlfriend is like the square root of -100

A huge 10, but also imaginary

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A strip club joke

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a w...

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bi...

My Grandfather really liked Fall Out Boy

I never understood why, considering the age gap between him and the band. Every week, I’d go sit with him on his porch and we’d listen to the band, jamming out to some sick tunes and laughing our hearts out at each other’s awful singing. Unfortunately as time passed, he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’...

I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

Cats are a lot like guns

Regardless of whether you love them or you think that nobody should own them, you've probably thought about shooting one before.

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A farm boy took his pet duck and got in his pickup to go to the movin’ picture show in town.

He walked up to the ticket booth with his duck under his arm to buy a ticket, but the girl said, “sir, you can’t bring that bird in here”.

The country boy tries to explain ’bout how the duck is a housebroken pet, but the girl says, “SIR, I’m sorry but you can’t bring that animal into the thea...

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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, its just a s...

When you make a suicide pact with someone, NEVER offer to go first.

Trust me. I’ve done like five of them.

How is a joke like an animal?

When you dissect it, it dies.

Get it? Because just like when you take apart an animal to see how it works, it obviously can't be alive anymore, by the same logic, picking apart the inner workings of a joke by over-explaining the punchline is going to kill the humorous spirit it carries; it wo...

Why do nurses like red crayons?

Because they often have to draw blood!

Why are American schools alot like Fortnite?

You just hop off the bus and start shooting.

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A Harvard Law graduate starts first day on the job

The president of the firm says, “If you marry my daughter, I’ll make you a partner, give you an unlimited expense account, a new Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary, in addition to your fees from the cases you take on.”

The guy says, “I don’t get it. Is something wrong with her?" The...

What does James Bond's doorbell sounds like?

''Dong, Ding Dong''

Drink like a man or...

An alcoholic in serious health condition finally goes to see a doctor:

\- "Are you drinking like a man, or like cattle?"
\- "Geez doctor, of course like a man!"
\- "That's the problem! Cattle know when to stop."

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Keepers at a zoo realized that a lone female gorilla that was recently brought in for habitation was badly in heat.

Because of this the gorilla was acting very amorous with the keepers every time they tried to feed her. So they figured if she just had sex that she might calm down.

It was then they approached a rather dumb janitor and asked him if he'd like to have sex with the gorilla for $500.

The ...

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

How is Microsoft Edge like stainless steel?

Both are at least 11% Chrome

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad says we shouldn't reward people with trophies for participation, because it's like a reward for losing.

So I took his Vietnam Veteran hat

A moped is like an ugly woman

It’s great till your friends see you riding one

Salesman

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go a...

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