Like Jokes - 122 Hilarious Like Jokes

I like my coffee like “I like my coffee” jokes.

Not made by me.

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I like my steak like sex

Extremely rare

I like my men how I like my coffee

Sorta hot and picked up at the gas station

I love "technically true" jokes, like:

If everybody in the world held hands around the equator, most of them would drown.

Or

Did you know that after all these years, the swimming pool on Titanic is still filled with water?

Or

There are more airplanes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.

What else ...

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Like father like son...

A young boy says to his father "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7x9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9x7?' so I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' "

"What is the difference?" asks the father...

German humor is like healthcare

Many Americans simply don't get it

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

Voting is a lot like driving

To go backwards, choose “R”.

To go forward, choose “D”.

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Female masturbation is like preparing coffee.

You can grind your beans by hand, but it's easier and faster to just use a machine.

I like my r/Jokes how I like my coffee

The same damn thing every day

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Religion is like a penis.

It’s fine to have one. It’s fine to be proud of it. But please don’t whip it out in public and start waving it around.

What does 007’s doorbell sounds like?

Dong. Ding Dong

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I like my porn just how I like my search history

Disabled.

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Friends are like boobs

some are real some are fake

I like my men how I like my coffee...

Extremely hot and capable of severely injuring my throat

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I like my sex the way I like my car insurance

Paid for by my parents

PETA is like a box of chocolates

They kill dogs

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Sex is like golf,

Playing every hole is the goal.

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Boobs are like the sun

You can only stare at ‘em for a very short time. But if you wear sunglasses, you can stare at ‘em as much as you want.

Veganism is like Communism

They are both fine, unless you like food

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Voting is like doing a group project in school

I did my part, but I’m worried the rest of you are going to fuck this up

What does going down on an old woman taste like?

Depends.

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My penis is like Joe Biden.

Slightly left-leaning, and nobody's first choice.

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Sex is like riding a bike...

People don't like it when you do it on the sidewalk.

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Nuclear power is like anal sex

If done cleanly and properly, it might be even better than conventional methods. But add a few messy mistakes and it's considered taboo.

Dads are like boomerangs.

I hope.

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I think we should stop turning normal names like "Karen" into slurs

It's a real Dick move.

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I eat p***y like I smoke cigarettes…

All the way to the butt.

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Orgasms are like opinions.

Mine is more important and I don't care if she has one.

COVID-19 is like Pasta

Asians invented it, Italians spread it.

I used to like Mitch Hedberg jokes...

I still do, but I used to, too.

18 years ago, today, we lost one of the greats.
R.I.P. to a legend.

I like my girls how I like my Covid.

19 and easily spread.

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Your penis is just like your signature

You should be very careful where you put it

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My paycheck is like my penis

Its small, not enough for my wife, comes only once a month, but it's still pleasing.

Dark humor is like cancer.

It's even funnier when children get it.

I like people as I like my tea...

In a bag...

And underwater

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Sex with my wife is like Disneyland.

I wait in line for an hour just to be told I’m not big enough.

There's a term for Presidents like Trump.

Probably not two terms, though...

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Jokes are like U.S. Presidents

This one is fucking awful

What's long, green and smells like bacon?

Kermit’s Fingers

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My girlfriend's vagina smells like roses....

But, Rose's is tighter...

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Boobs are like legos

They're really for the kids, but the dads always end up playing with them

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Tits are like Lego bricks.

They're there for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them.

I like my men like my teeth,

32 of them, indentured to me, and ready to devour any temptation I have on call.

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Women are like Hurricanes

They come into your life wild and free and then leave with the PATIO FURNITURE WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH YOU BITCH

You: Would you like a keto burger?

My anaconda: No.

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Virginity is like a car

Once you've had it 25 years, nobody else wants it either

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Making pizza is a lot like having sex...

If you’re going to use barbecue sauce, you better know what you’re doing.

Friends are like snowflakes

They disappear when you pee on them

I feel like, in mythology, Neptune is just a copy of Poseidon

Like whoever created Neptune literally read what Poseidon’s main powers were and was like “Ctrl C”

My girlfriend is like √-100.

She's a 10 but she is also imaginary

Racism is like Nickelback...

I like to joke about it, but I never want to see it live.

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I don't like the term 'Anal Bleaching'.

I prefer to call it 'changing my ringtone'.

Jokes on reddit are like US presidents.

You might see a new one every four years or so.

An essay should be like a skirt.

Long enough to cover everything but short enough to keep your attention.

Looks like NFT prices have hit rock bottom.

Get your monkey for nothin' and your chimps for free.

I want my, I want my, I want my NFT.

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Success is like pregnancy...

Everyone congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.

Doctor: Well, it looks like you're pregnant.

Woman: Oh my God, I'm pregnant?!

Doctor: No, it just looks like you are.

FP Edit: RIP my inbox

The Doctor tells me I can play with myself whenever I like

My wife tells me that's not what 'You could have a stroke at any moment ' means

If Trump wins the election, Mexicans be like..

[removed]

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A vagina is like the weather…

…once it is wet, it is time to go inside

I have a fondness for "technically true" jokes, like these:

Did you know that the average person has an above-average number of legs? After all, most people have two legs, while a few have none.

Did you know that if you shuffle a deck of cards, the resulting order has likely never existed before in the history of the universe?

Eve...

Why doesn't America parade its new military hardware and tanks down main street like other countries?

Because they prefer to parade it down main street IN other countries.

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If r/Jokes posts were like YouTube videos

Joke title: IS THIS THE WORLD'S FUNNIEST JOKE?

Hello welcome to my joke, this joke is sponsored by BackdooredVPN, get the VPN service for just $29.95 a month. Also sponsored by Microtransaction Legends, download the app for free today.

Before we share the joke we want to remind you tha...

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My jokes are like orgasms

My girlfriend doesn't get them

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How is sex like snow?

Everyone talks about it, but it doesn’t always happen. Then when it does happen, you’re never sure how long it will last, or how many inches you’re going to get.

Dating is a lot like fishing...

Sure there is plenty of fish in the sea, but until I catch one, I am just stuck here holding my rod.

Nuclear war is like incest

We can all imagine what it would be like if it happened but none of us want it to actually happen. Also both cause deformities in the long run.

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My sex-life is like Coca Cola....

...first it was normal, then it was light and now it's zero!

An unpaid internship is nothing like actual slavery

Slaves are given food and housing.

I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?

Not a fan.

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Life is like a penis

It gets hard when you least expect it

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Wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy,

It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.

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Procrastination is like masturbation.

It feels good while you do it. But at the end of the day, you're just fucking yourself.

TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic

Because they are more likely to be dead

God created childbirth to give women the chance to experience what it's like...

For a guy to catch a cold....

How to tell if a girl likes you

You can tell if a girl likes you by her ankles:

If they are behind your head, she likes you.

If they are behind *her* head, she *really* likes you.

My girlfriend is like an iPhone 7.

I wish I had an iPhone 7.

Why is the British weather like Islam?

Because it's either Sunni or Shi'ite

If you ever feel like your job is meaningless, remember

there is someone who is currently installing the turn signal at BMW.

My woman is like my socks...

My mother helped me find her!

Martinis are like nipples

One is too few, and three are too many

Guns are like gum...

Pull it out in class and everyone acts like you’ve been best friends since kindergarten.

I've heard like seven cancer jokes today...

If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.

“Queue” sounds like “q” followed by 4 silent letters, but…

They’re just waiting their turn.

I don’t like people who take drugs...

For example: airport security.

My parents treat me like a god...

...they don't believe in me.

My wife said I look like a Greek god.

Her actual words were "Put your clothes on, we're in a museum" but I know what she meant.

Making love to a woman is like playing a violin…

I don't know how to do it…

My friend once told me, "Your wife and daughter look like twins!"

I replied, " Yeah well, they were separated at birth"

Waiting for election results is like waiting for a grade on a group project.

I know I did my part right, but I am worried the rest of you screwed it up.

Why don't Native Americans like snow?

It's white and settles on their land

How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

I want to be a millionaire just like my dad!!

“Wow, your dad’s a millionaire?”
“No, but he always wanted to be.”

I don't like over confident people

Edit: Thanks for the silver!

Edit2: thanks for the gold!

Edit3: thanks for the platinum!

Edit4: thanks guys! I never expected this post to blow up like it did!!

Edit5: thanks for the argentinium!

Edit6: thanks for the ternium!

I like my humour like I like my coffee.

Dark and involving child labour.

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All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

Edit: alot of people moaning in the comments "this is a stupid joke, Trump did actually write some books so this makes no sense!?".

Look at the sub you are in, some of these posts you'll see will just be jokes. If you are the sn...

Some people really like Orion's Belt

But I think it's just a big waist of space.

How is Hurricane Florence like my ex wife?

They start off wet and wild but in the end, they take your house.

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, "I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."

The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you."

The woman removes something from her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and discovers that it’s a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist's wife.
...

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My dick is a lot like California.

It bends to the side a little, and it's always burning.

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My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!

That's the best I've done so far.

I’ve always believed that a good speech is like a girls mini skirt…

... Short enough to get everyone's attention and long enough to cover the most important bits!!

My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess.

So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.

Cigarettes are like hamsters

Totally harmless, until you stick one in your mouth and set it on fire.

Studies show that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians.

Because owning Christians isn't legal, obviously.

People treat me like a god!

They ignore me until they need my help.

The Queen always said her corgis were like children to her.

So it makes sense that they’ve been given to Prince Andrew.

Wife: "I have a lot of my own clothes I'd like to donate."

Husband: "Why bother? It's easier to throw the clothes in the garbage can."

Wife: "Don't be selfish! There are so many poor people who have no clothes and are starving."

Husband: " Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving..."

Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement...

...in the end, you ignore it all and click "I agree".

Dentist always dumb questions like “when’s the last time you flossed?”

Like bro you were there wtf

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Poker is like sex

If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand

Edit 1: when you cheat in poker you have a partner

Edit 2: this is getting more upvotes than I thought it would get but before someone calls me out on it. This was a Mae West quote about bridge and several Internet memes pu...

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Like Father Like Son.

A joke my dad wrote to me in one of his letters while he was in prison:

A farm boy gets up early one morning and finds himself very
hungry. So he hurries downstairs to get his breakfast.

When he reaches the kitchen, he finds his mom already there.
"Not so fas...

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Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.

Edit: Yes, yes MILLIONS. I wasn't sure if those sources were true or not when I posted.

Also, the spam from the Trump people is great. I feel like I'm on the *real*...

Having children is a lot like making pancakes

The first one is always a bit weird, but you can always just eat it when no one is looking.

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A girl I met last night told me her pussy tasted like a rainbow...

Found out that she meant 'Trout' and not 'Skittles.'

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When you think about it, a vagina is a lot like a university.

They're both a lot easier to get into, if you're rich or an athlete.

I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China

He says he can't complain.

I like my coffee like I like my wives,

From a third world country at a reasonable price.

How do you get a farm girl to like you?

A Tractor

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I told a girl my dick was like a computer

She asked if that was because it had loads of RAM and a big hard drive.

Oh, the surprise she got when she found out it was microsoft and full of viruses.

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Why do most men like the missionary position for sex..?

...most men hate fucking up...

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