This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does an 80 year old pussy taste like?

Depends

How is Santa like Bill Cosby?

Neither will come if you're awake.

If you ever feel like your job has no purpose, always remember

right now, there is someone who is installing a turn signal in a BMW

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Making pizza is a lot like having sex...

If you’re going to use barbecue sauce, you better know what you’re doing.

My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?” So I took her to dinner and a movie...

Then dropped her off at her parents’ house.

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Friends are like boobs

some are real some are fake

A handsome man in a suit approaches a young lady at a bar and asks if he can buy her a drink. "Don’t you have a girlfriend?" she asked. "Guys like you always have girlfriends."

He looked downcast, "No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "OK then, I'll have a white wine please."

One glass of wine led to a second. A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle they headed off back to her place and made passionate love...

My wife yelled from the bedroom asking, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" I replied, "No."

She yelled back, "How about now?"

For my cake day, I'd like to share my favorite joke of all time.

Three guys were walking down the street.

Two of them walked into a bar.

The third guy ducked.

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Sex is like golf,

Playing every hole is the goal.

A man walked into a bookshop and said: I'd like to buy a book by Shakespeare

'Of course' replied the sales assistant 'Any particular one?'

'William, of course' replies the man.

Bert, at 75 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples, so seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them and he was so delighted with his purchase decided to wear them home to show the missus.

Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret at age 73, looked him over and replied, "Nope."

Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen...

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I look at my gf’s ass like a homeless man looks at a trash can

Like it’s my next meal

I saw a car with a bumper sticker saying "I am a vet, therefore I can drive like an animal."

Suddenly, I realized how many proctologists there are on the roads.

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Religion is like a penis.

It’s fine to have one. It’s fine to be proud of it. But please don’t whip it out in public and start waving it around.

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A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account." The teller, upset, says "We don't tolerate language like that here."

The man asks "What's the fucking problem? It's not like anyone really gives a shit!"

The teller then leaves without a word, to go and speak to the manager about how to deal with this man. The manager, hearing the story, goes back to the man to see what the problem is.

After asking the ...

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A guy gets put in a nursing home by his son. He doesn’t know if he’s going to like it at first, but he decides to give it a shot for his son’s sake.

The first morning in the nursing home he wakes up with a hard on. Out of nowhere a beautiful nurse's aide walks in, bends over & blows him without saying a word.
The guy gets on the phone with his son and says, "Son, I love this place! Thank you so much for putting me in this nursing home....

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Success is like getting pregnant

Everyone congratulates you,

But no one asks how many times you got fucked.

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Boobs are like the sun

You can only stare at ‘em for a very short time. But if you wear sunglasses, you can stare at ‘em as much as you want.

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A pastor asks if anyone in the congregation would like to express thanks for answered prayers.

Susie Smith stands, walks to the podium, and says, “Two months ago my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating, and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

You could hear a mumbled gasp from the men in the congregat...

Just remember, Police are like a box of chocolates..

..they'll kill your dog.

A Politician Dies And Has To Spend Just ONE Day In Hell

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for p...

Girls are like rocks,

the flat ones get skipped

I like my slaves the way I like my coffee

Free.

I'd like to explain what happened before the Big Bang.

Unfortunately, there's no time.

My girlfriend treats me like a god.

She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.

Politicians are like sperm

For every 100 million of them, one might just become a human being

Pope Francis, Donald Trump, Joe Biden, and a little boy are crossing the Atlantic on an airplane when the engines fail.

They find three parachutes.

Donald Trump grabs the first parachute and jumps out of the plane saying, “The world needs a great person like me!”

Joe Biden grabs a parachute and says, “I need to help make choices for our world”, so he jumps off the plane. 

At this point, the Po...

What does Bond’s doorbell sounds like?

Dong. Ding Dong

Dads are like boomerangs….

.. i hope.

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Sex is like construction

You can choose the DIY option but you’re never truly satisfied but it’s better in the long run if done by someone with experience

My wife spoke to me while staring into her mirror, she said 'I'm old, getting fat and look like I haven't slept for a week, I need a compliment'

I said 'Your eyesight is perfect'

First day as a pilot. Control tower: Can you give me your position? Me: I am next to a cloud that looks like a lion. Control tower: Can you be more specific?

Me: Simba

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A woman joins a country club, and when she hears some guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."


He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.


They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."


She's there at 6:30 am. sharp ...

Christian’s these days only believe in like 12.5% of the Bible

I swear most are Eighth-iest

What does Popeyes fingers smell like?

Olive Oil

How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

Life is like a helicopter

I have no idea how to operate a helicopter

Knowledge is like underwear, you need to have it but you don't need to show it

but people always want to be the superman

Bread is like the Sun

It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist

What's green and smells like pork?

Kermit the Frog's finger.

A man goes to the white house and asks to talk to president Trump.

A guard tells him that Trump is no longer president. The man then leaves.

The man comes back the next day and again asks to speak to president Trump. The guard says "like I already told you he is no longer president".

This then repeats a third day and at that point the guard asks "why ...

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Looks like f***ing up here

A man, his wife and a good-looking stranger are stranded on a desert island. The wife quickly loses interest in her husband and begins flirting with the good-looking stranger. The three start to build a watchtower.

The stranger offers to take first watch. While the husband and wife gather dr...

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Sex with a fat woman is like subscribing to Netflix

You have so much content, you can't handle it.

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day waiting for the arrival and nothin...

Why do nurses like red crayons?

Sometimes they have to draw blood

Can we ban "yo mama" jokes from this sub? They're old, stupid and have been done by literally everyone hundreds of times

Just like yo momma

I used to like Mitch Hedberg

I still do, but I used to too.

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I just found out that I am seriously poor at 'reading' women. I was just sat at the bar earlier, when this stunning lass sat beside me. She leaned in to whisper something, and like a fucking idiot I automatically thought she was trying to flirt with me.

Turned out she just wanted to tell me how nice my arse looks in these jeans.

My wife told me that before I come to bed, she'd like me to start the dishwasher, set the coffee maker, and bring her some water.

I said, "Ok, but I'm bound to forget one of those two things."

A doctor is delivering a baby. The head comes out and the baby says “Hey, you my dad?”. The doctor is shocked, says no and the baby shoots back inside the mother. The doctors calls the gynaecologist over to have a look.

Again the baby’s head pops out, “Hey, you my dad!?” The gynaecologist says no and the baby shoots back inside the mother.

The doctor and gynaecologist decide they better get the father who was too squeamish to be in the delivery room.

So the father looks between his wife’s legs. The b...

I like Florida.

Everything is in the 80s: The people, the temperature, and the average IQ.

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My sexual performance is just like the movie...

*Gone in 60 Seconds*

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you ...

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather...

Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Those pants are like a cheap hotel

No ballroom

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Having sex with me is like microwaving food at 3am..

The longest minute and a half of your life

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot

I slept like a baby last night.

I woke every two hours and cried.

People treat me like a god.

They ignore my existence unless they want something from me.

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My wife recently asked me "what's it like to have a penis?"

"It's hard sometimes.."

You guys like jokes about nachos?

Nvm... It's too cheesy...

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You know how people always say words they don’t understand like “the juxtaposition of the blah blah blah”

Well my friend of mine told me his dad was getting a colonoscopy. I asked him “what the fuck is a dad?”

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Religion is like a vagina.

Many people like being in one. It can feel warm and welcoming.

But you shouldn't pull someone into yours without their consent.

Trees are like dogs

Some shed and some don't. Others just bark

I feel like there is a problem with my prostate...

...but I can't put my finger on it.

Some would say that putting decorative soaps that look like food in their bathrooms is cute.

But it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Sometimes I like to tell Dad jokes.

Sometimes he laughs

Telling a joke is like cheating on someone.

Trying to explain it just makes it worse.

What's it like living in a police state?

Well, can't complain

I used to not like cancer humor

But it's grown on me.

Linkedin is becoming like Facebook nowadays!!!

Except Hot women are sending connection requests to IT Nerds...

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When do hockey players like to have sex?

Between periods.

Life is like a box of chocolates.

It does not last long for fat people.

I used to date a girl who was a fan of “Lion king” like me.

Whenever we made out, she used to say Sukona ma tatas.

I always corrected her saying that it’s Hakuna matata.

I just realized that I am an idiot.

Why do men like women in leather?

Because they smell like a new truck.

People are a lot like Vegetables

Sometimes when you're buying produce you see some that are bruised, dented, misshapen..

Not all of them are perfect on the outside, what really matters is that they're really all the same on the inside and every one is equally edible.

Friends are like balloons.

If you stab them, they die.

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A bouncer is working on a Saturday night at a popular nightclub for household utensils...

... One of the regulars, a mirror, comes outside for a smoke and greets him.

As they make small talk, a toilet approaches flaunting a pristine gold plated lid. The bouncer immediately lets him in.

The mirror rolls his eyes as the toilet pushes through.

Next, a limo pulls up and ...

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George and Ted are showering after a workout when George notices that Ted's penis is about nine inches long.

"You were lucky to be blessed with such a huge penis!" says George.

"I wasn't blessed," replies Ted. "I had to work for it. I did it by masturbating once every day for two years, using butter as a lubricant. I know it sounds crazy, but this thing used to be only five inches long!"

"Tha...

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3D printing is a lot like having sex.

First you have to clean your nozzle. Then you have to warm things up. And finally you have to keep just the right heat and speed. And if you mess up all you get is a disappointing mess.

what's brown and sounds like a bell?

dung

Why is a timer like a scale?

They both measure wait.

I never really liked Nearly Headless Nick in the Harry Potter franchise.

He was a poorly executed character.

I bought my 5-year-old a toy iPhone that looks like a real one

Now someone keeps calling about an extended warranty on his Little Tikes car.

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Just had a dream that reads like a joke.

A guy had an accident that severely hurt his penis, and was recovering at the doctor's office.

Doctor: "Your situation is very serious. I'll have to bring in a specialist."

Patient: "What, a surgeon?"

D: "No, a flute player."

P: "A flute player?! Why?"

D: "They'll ...

I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.

The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.

Work likes to say we're like one big family...

...but then get upset with me when I call my boss Daddy. You can't have it both ways.

2021 super villain names be like

Yung Riddler, Red $kull, Jeff Bezos

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A man is like a tree. You spend a lifetime building yourself up,

just to be knocked on your ass by a little beaver.

A woman was out golfing and hit the ball deep into the woods.

When she went to look for it she found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever ...

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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.




The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and e...

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A guy goes to the tatoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his willie.

The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this.


The man replies, "I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now."


So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a ...

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New jokes are like sex

Most Redditors haven't experienced them

Now that Facebook changed their name to Meta, FAANG is not longer a valid abbreviation of the biggest 5 tech companies.

I'd like to suggest MANGA

How do babies like their milk?

Womb-temperature.

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Playing monopoly Is like seeing a prostitute

You go to a hotel, lose your money, and get fucked.

A man walks into a brain store to buy a new brain

He goes to the clerk and says

"Hello, I'd like to purchase a new brain".

The clerk replies with "Sure, here are some of our brains we have on sale"
"Here's the brain of a physicist, 5 dollars."

"Here's our second deal for today. The brain of an anti-vaxxer, 10,000 dollar...

Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flies like a banana.

I like to start every morning with a nice hot cup of joe.

I just wish Joe’s wife would stop looking into his disappearance.

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A girl introduces her new boyfriend to her parents.

This is a German joke, but I think I found a way to translate it:

A girl wants to introduce her new boyfriend to her parents.
He knocks on the door and the parents together open the door and introduce themselves: "Hi, my name is Sarah and this is my husband Michael, nice to meet you!".
...

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Why does Nicki Minaj like sitting on ferns?

Because she loves her butt in plants.

What does a guy that likes to save money do when reaches the light at the end of the tunnel?

He turns it off

Some people like to call their mistakes "happy accidents."

Others get creative and give them cute little names like Nathan, or Thomas, like my parents did.

A mosquito is like a kid...

When he stops making noise, he is on to something!

You are like quadrant 3

There’s nothing positive about you.

Why don't dyslexic people like maths?

Because they have word problems

Which European political leader likes to write at sea?

Marine Le Pen

Hey baby, do you like Thanksgiving?

Because I want to pump-kin into that pie.

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What's 30' long and smells like piss?

>!The line dance at the senior home!<

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A boy finally works up the courage to ask the girl he likes out on a date.

The girl, liking him back, agrees to go on the date.

The boy tells her "Before we go on our date, there's something I have to tell you about myself. I only eat insects."

The girl finds this to be very strange but accepts it because she likes him.

They go out to dinner and the gi...

On our first date. Her: I really like men who plan ahead.

Me: That's why I drank 2 litres of pineapple juice today.

Studies show that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians.

Because owning Christians isn't legal, obviously.

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I asked my girlfriend if she liked my penis

She said it was perfect. The big ones hurt too much.

I told my date that a man like me is hard to find, and she didn't believe me.

So I said, "Just ask the police."

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Guy goes to Doc because his dick is orange.

A guy goes to the doctor because his dick is orange;

Doctor looks at it and say, “yep, it’s orange alright”

Guy says, “why is it orange doc? What could it be?”

Doc thinks for a minute… then asks the guy, “do you work around dyes or paints or anything like that?”

Guy says,...

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sex is like pizza

Even when it’s bad, they still expect me to pay for it

A dwarf with a lisp goes to visit a stud farm.

"I'd like to buy a horth"

He says to the owner of the farm.

"What sort of horse?"

Said the owner.

"A female horth"

The dwarf replies.

So the owner shows him a lovely mare.

"Nithe horth."

Says the dwarf,

"Can I thee her eyeth?"

So ...

Life's like a pecker...

Sometimes it's up, sometimes it's down.


But it won't stay hard forever...

People never like my cake day jokes

I feel desserted

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My wife's pussy smells like Roses...

But Roses is tighter.

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You’ll often hear that performing oral sex on yourself is more like sucking a dick than getting your dick sucked. What they won’t tell you is at the moment of climax your top half’s instinct is to arch back while your bottom half’s instinct is to thrust forward

So anyway, I learned how to do a backflip

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There's actually a mathematical formula to describe all the Republicans lining up to pretend like the January 6th attack didn't happen.

It's called the Fibbing Nazi Sequence.

A Nun walks into Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room...

We've just found out something crazy about your grandpa, he's just like Walter White!

Was not a fun way to be told that he has lung cancer

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So a koala bear walks into a brothel.

He picks out the best looking girl, and heads upstairs with her. While up there, he eats her out like a madman, doing things she's never even heard of. After about an hour he gets up heads out the door.

The girl stops him and demands payment.

The koala doesn't understand. She has him l...

Person 1 says: I like Eminem

Person 2 says: Well, I prefer Skittles.
Person 1 says: No- I meant the rapper.
Person 2 says, confused: Why would you eat the wrapper?

I was gonna tell you the one about the necromancer who liked to abuse animals...

...but it'd just be beating a dead horse.

No one laughed at my joke I made in school so maybe you guys will like it

What do you call an english teacher who knows how to code

A pro-grammar

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

First time i had sex, when the girl pulled my pants down she yelled "WOW THAT'S LIKE A HORSE"

Very proud i said: "It's that big huh?"

She replied: "NO IT FUCKING STINKS"

I'm just like a pterodactyl in the bathroom...

Because my P is silent.

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jokes are like farts.

if you force them, it's probably shit.

Wife: I have a bag full of used cloths I'd like to donate.

Husband: Why not just throw it in trash? That's much easier.

Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes.

Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your cloths is not starving.

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Guy gets a hotel room and asks for a hooker

A man heads to a seedy hotel to rent a room and asks the clerk where to find a prostitute.

The clerk says not to worry, he'll send one to the man's room in a few minutes.

The man goes to his room and sure enough, a few minutes later a prostitute knocks on his door.

"Hi honey, ho...

I had an ex-girlfriend that liked it in the ear

"How the hell did you find that out?" asked my friend.

"Every time I tried to put it in her mouth she'd turn her head!"

What kind of dog likes to swim?

Scuba Dooby doo!

What do you call 2 pirates that like each other?

a pirate ship


i know it sucks but i literally made this on the spot like a couple mins ago and thought to share it

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George claims that his dick is the "Hardest Dick In The World!"

George will pay anyone $5000 cash to anyone who can bring him something absolutely harder than his dick.


One man brings a basketball-sized boulder. George easily smashes the boulder with his dick. The man picks up the boulder pieces and angrily walks off.


A second man brings a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A penis is like a unicycle

It’s fun to ride, but don’t send pictures of it to strangers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 70 year old man goes into a brothel. He picks out a young pretty woman, ....

... they go up to her room, strip down and climb into bed.

The old man performs like a teenager, the prostitute is amazed at how energetic and agile he is, she tells him if he can do it like that again, she'll give him one for free.

He says "Yeah, I can, but I need to take a 20 minu...

I don't like anti-vaxxers

They make me sick!

I asked my friend what it’s like living in China

He said: “I can’t complain”

Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."


Passenger: "Who?"


Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you ...

Why does nobody like a lobster with a lisp?

They are way too shellfish.

I would like to thank my fingers...

I can always count on them

Since I keep seeing jokes like this, here's a proper Aussie one.

Why is a wombat like a man on a one night stand?

A wombat eats roots, shoots and leaves.

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season. He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove. He decided he would set up a Christmas light display.

It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.


The entire fence was covered in lights! Fenc...

Covid-19 is like Steve Jobs

One more thing...

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My mama is like a shotgun

Two cocks....she blows

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