Two men grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

“Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why Hooters?”

“They have those servers with the beautiful bosoms, the tight shorts, and the gorgeous legs.”

“You’re on.”

At age 42, they meet and play golf ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Catch me if you can

John is pretty overweight and struggles to loose weight. He finds an add that guarantees weight loss up to 50 pounds in 3 sessions. Sceptical at first he makes an appointment.
On his first appointment he is greeted and shown to a room where the treatment will proceed. He enters the room but immed...

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

*You 'neak up on him.*

**How do you catch a tame rabbit?**

*The tame way!*

​

Dating is a lot like fishing...

Sure there's lots of fish in the ocean, but until I catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.

My dog used to love playing catch, but he hasn’t been the same since his lost his favorite ball

I was running low on cash so only I had enough money to cover 50% of his neutering procedure.

A businessman rushed into the train station just in time to catch the Brisbane to Rockhampton Express.

A businessman rushed into the train station just in time to catch the Brisbane to Rockhampton Express. On taking his seat he asked the conductor what time the train reached Gladstone.

 

"There's no stop in Gladstone on Wednesdays," replied the conductor.

"What!" Exclaim...

How to catch an elephant

You need a boring book, a pair of binoculars, a pair of tweezers, and a beer bottle.

First, read the boring book until you fall asleep. When an elephant comes along he will look over your shoulder and read the book, and because it's so boring he will fall asleep too. So then you wake up! Now ...

A nude guy was running to catch up with a bus

He gets on the moving bus just in time, just to find the passengers and the conductor to be staring at him.
"Never seen a nude passenger before?" He asked, to which the conductor flatly replies, "nah, since ur palms are empty, wondering where you put the bus fare."

What do you say when you catch the person who stole your tricycle?

Wheel wheel wheel...

A genie grants a woman three wishes but there is a catch.

Every wish she is granted, her husband, who she hates, is granted 10x that wish.

"So what would you like for your first wish?" the genie inquires.

"I want to be beautiful," says the woman.

"Sure thing, but just so you remember, your husband will be 10x more beautiful than you...

I tried to catch fog yesterday,

Mist.

How to catch a bear...

Dig a giant hole...fill it with ash and put peas around it. Then when the bear goes to take a pea..kick him in the ash hole.

Why couldn't the cops catch the toilet bandit?

They had nothing to go on!!!

How do you catch a rabbit ?

You hide behind a bush and make carrot sounds

Never catch snowflakes on your tongue

until all the birds have gone south for the winter!

How to catch an elephant.

So the first thing you want to do when trying to catch an elephant is dig a really big hole. They're absolute units so a REALLY big hole.
Next you need to burn stuff, you just need the soot and ashes so it doesn't matter what you burn. Once you have a lot of soot and ashes built up, you need t...

What should you do if you catch fire on a canoe?

Stop, drop, and row.

Boss: "If I catch you sleeping on the job again, you're fired!"

Me: "I understand. Won't happen again."

Boss: "Now go inventory the sheep."

Me: "Oh no!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

2 guys had to catch a 5 am flight.

But they didn't have a watch with them. So the guy asks his friend, what do we do?

His friend says follow my lead. He starts singing loudly, at the top of his voice.

After some time, one of the neighbors yells - dude, let us fucking sleep. It's 1:30 am already.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife suspected I was cheating, so to catch me she hired a prostitute to flash her breasts and try to seduce me.

I didn't fall for that shit... I can spot a booby trap a mile away.

Kept having my Amazon packages stolen off my porch ordered a security cam to deter/catch the culprit.

That package was stolen too.

How do you catch an elephant?

First you have to dig a pit deep enough to hold the elephant.

Then you have a huge bonfire and dump all of the leftover soot into that hole.

Next you place a ring of peas around the entire pit.

Now; you wait.

When an elephant comes by and stops to take a pea, you kick ...

Wayne Gretzky, Wayne Newton, and Wayne Brady are all chasing after you. Which one is going to catch you first?

I don't know, but they are gonna get ya, one Wayne or another.

I've always wondered if it was easy to catch Bigfoot

I was relieved when my doctor told me it wasn't a disease

Why did the frog have to catch the bus?

Because his car got toad!

Are glass coffins going to catch on as the latest trend?

Remains to be seen.

How do you catch an elephant?

Ask me how college is going, there seems to always be an elephant in the room

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on it

It's hard for cannibals to catch psychics, but when they do, how do they like them cooked?

Medium rare

How to catch a polar bear

This is the first joke I ever told my grandpa(I was so little I don't even remember it) but he told everyone he could about it up to the day he passed.

Do you know how to catch a polar bear grandpa?

No I don't short-stuff, how do you catch one?

You cut a hole in the ice an...

(Dad Joke) You know the best way to catch a polar bear, right?

First, you cut a giant hole in the ice at least 20 foot around. Then you take several bags of frozen peas and open them up and spread them all around the hole nice and even.


Then, when the bear comes up to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.

How do you catch a Grizzly without traps?

With your bear hands.

A lioness makes a nice kill, but has to catch a flight soon after.

There isn’t enough time to eat it all, and and she doesn’t want to waste so much good meat, so she just decides to bring it with her.

She gets to the airport, checks in and gets her boarding pass. She’s about to go through security when she’s stopped. “Sorry ma’am,” the guard says, “we don’t ...

What did the Fonz catch from sleeping with too many loose women?

Hepatitis Ayyyy!

Fishermen hate him- You won't believe the one item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else

Click bait.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I just can't catch a break! No matter what job I get, I always end up dealing with stiffs!

First as a Porn Star, then as a Waiter, then finally in a Morgue. I just can't win!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The pope is coming over for dinner, so the priest goes out to catch a fish.

The pope is coming over for dinner, so the priest goes out to catch a fish. He meets a fisherman and they go out to sea. After a while, the preist catches a huge fish.

With the help of the fisherman, the priest brings the fish onto the boat. The fisherman says, "Ah, we finally caught the fuck...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man inherited a massive sum of money from his great aunt, but it came with a catch...

As part of the terms of the inheritance, he was required to care for her cherished grey parrot. The executor told him if anything should happen to the bird, or if he ever chose not to take care of it, he would have to forfeit the inheritance and estate.

At first, this seemed simple enough, bu...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I was eight my grandfather told me...

There was this small pond in the woods and above it a fly was buzzing back and forth.

On the edge of the pond was a frog. The frog thought to itself, “If only that buzzing fly were a little lower I could hop up over the pond and eat it for my lunch.”

On a branch in the tree next to th...

Why are human traffickers hard to catch?

They know how to haul ass.

A man went fishing with his wife...

After a whole day fishing, he had caught 20 fish.
The next one he caught was a a small one, and his wife started complaining that she wasted a day and wanted to go home.

Just a as he agreed to pack up and leave, the biggest fish he had ever seen latched onto his hook and started pulling....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What kind of STD can you catch from phone sex ?

Hearing AIDS.

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it.

It's spam.

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

How do north Koreans catch fish so well?

They have Supreme Master Baiter!

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.

Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.

"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make ...

How do you catch a drummer?

By laying down a snare.

During the French Revolution, what was the executioner’s catch phrase?

“First come, first severed!”

Jewish guy runs home from work, panting and trying to catch his breath.

He plops down at the kitchen table, where his wife was cooking dinner.

Wife asks, "What happened Motek? Why are you so exhausted?"

Guy says with a huge smile, "Chooki, instead of taking the bus home from work today, I ran all the way behind it and saved $2.50!"

He was extremely ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How to catch...

An old man is sitting on his porch and he sees a group of young boys walking by, and they've got rolls of chicken wire with them. The old man calls out, "Hey, what are you doing with all that?" and one of the boys says, "We're going to catch some chickens!" The old man replies, "That's not how that...

Earlier today I told my Christian friend to “Have a Good Friday.” He didn’t catch my pun.

I’m not surprised. Jokes like this usually Pass Over his head.

Where do you catch a Lance Bass?

In a Timberlake!

The CIA,The FBI and the KGB

The CIA, the FBI and the KGB argue about who’s the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to test them. He releases a rabbit into the woods and each of the divisions has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They ...

Old Soviet joke. A woman runs to catch a bus.

She just makes it in time. "Thank God!" She exclaims as she gets on.

The bus driver shakes his head disapprovingly. "You know you cannot give thanks to God," he says. "You must instead give thanks to Comrade Stalin."

"And what if Comrade Stalin dies?" Asks the woman. "What should I do ...

When it comes to trick plays, you have to hand it to Tom Brady...

Literally. He can’t catch.

They say there are plenty of fish in the sea, but what happens when someone can’t catch any fish?

They become master baiters.

How to catch a Redditor

gotcha

Why couldn't the police catch Muslims during Ramadan?

They were going to fast.

Where do bees catch their bus?

At the buzz stop. Haha

What's the difference between "To Catch a Predator" and Harvey Weinstein?

One stars molesters, while the other molests stars.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day a boy is walking down an old dirt road...

arms full of duck tape and he comes across an cabin with an old man sitting on the front porch. The old man sees the boy and says, "Say son, what'cha need all that duck tape for?"

"I'm going to catch me some ducks!"

"Boy!! You ain't gunna catch no *DAMN* ducks with no *DAMN* duck tape!...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Dave Joke

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss f...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny was sent to his grandparents farm to spend the summer.

The first morning, grandpa was having coffee and reading his paper when he saw Johnny walking by him with a roll of chicken wire.

“What are you doing with that chicken wire?”

“I’m going to catch some chickens!” Johnny replied.

“You can’t catch no chickens with that chicken wir...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My daughter walked into our bedroom to catch us having sex.

"What are you doing?" she asked in shock.
"Making you someone to play with," I said.
"A brother?" she asked excitingly.
"No, a cousin," I replied. "Now go and watch out for your mother coming home."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What is Gordon Ramsay's catch phrase during sex?

IT'S FUCKING RAWWW

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself...

Two cannibals who haven't had a decent meal in some time catch a neighboring tribesman in the jungle.

After discussing how to keep things fair, they decide that one should start at the feet and the other at the head to make sure they get an equal amount.

A few minutes into the meal, the cannibal who started at the head asks, "How's it going down there?"

"I'm having a ball!" says the ot...