I wonder whether transparent coffins will ever catch on

Remains to be seen

How do you catch a rare bird?

Unique up on em!

I tried to catch fog the other day,

I mist.

How do you catch a polar bear?

Cut a hole in the ice.... Lay peas around the hole..... When they come to take a pea you kick them in the ice hole

An on-duty police officer is staking out a particularly popular bar right before closing time hoping to catch anyone trying to drink & drive

As the patrons start exiting the bar at closing time, he sees one guy who seems particularly drunk.

The cop watches intently as this guy stumbles off the curb, trips over his own feet and tries his car keys on 4 different cars before ultimately finding his own. Once he finally finds his car a...

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I came home early yesterday to catch my son with some guy’s cock in his mouth.

Hell of a way to find out he was a cannibal.

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You can’t catch aids from a parrot

but you can catch aids from a cockatoo

Do you know how to catch a bear?

Well, first you have to dig a deep hole in the woods and fill it half-full of ashes from the fireplace. Then place peas all around the outside of the hole. Finally, you hide in some nearby bushes and wait for a bear to come by.

When a bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole. ...

What does a Salamander say when you catch it in a lie?

I amphibian.

How do you catch a bear?

First, you dig a hole.
Then, you fill it with ashes.
Then, you line the rim of the hole with peas.

When the bear comes to take a pea. You kick him in the ash hole!

What disease do you catch running in the jungle?

10k Fever.

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A fish was watching a fly and thought ‘if that fly drops 6 inches, I’ll jump out of this river, catch it, and have a really nice meal’.

What the fish didn’t know was that there was a bear watching from a distance. The bear thought to himself ‘if that fly drops six inches and that fish jumps out to get it, I’ll catch the fish and have a really nice meal.’

What the bear didn’t know was that there was a hunter eating a sandwich ...

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers,

A state trooper sees a car puttering along at twenty-two miles per hour. He thinks to himself “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turned on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car he notices there are five old ladies—two in the front seat and three in the back—wi...

My wife outdid me yesterday.

I asked her to hand me a rag to clean some food on the floor and she threw it at me. I caught it.

Wife: Nice catch, babe!

Me: Thanks.

Wife: I was talking about me!

You catch more flies with honey...

...but you catch more honeys by being fly.

What do you get when you catch a fake ghost?

A handful of sheet.

Dating is a lot like fishing...

Sure there's lots of fish in the ocean, but until I catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.

A man loses his job and REALLY needs money.

He is walking on the sidewalk when a demon from hell appears. The demon says “I will give you $100,000, but you must give me your wife.”

The man ponders the offer for a few seconds, then says “Okay, what’s the catch?”

What can one catch that is not thrown?

A cold

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything i...

I knew the Notre Dame Cathedral would catch fire one day.

I had a big hunch.

Did you know you can catch aids from a New York toilet seat?

If you sit down before the other guy gets up.

I’d like to consider myself a good catch for anyone!

Because I weigh 220lbs.

I wasn't able to catch my train...

The air was so foggy that I mist it.

Why do Saudi Arabians never catch up with the latest news?

They all live under Iraq

A couple decides to spend a vacation in a Caribbean beach, in the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years ago, but due to work problems, the woman could not travel with her husband, so she would catch him in few days.

When the man arrived at the hotel, he saw there was a computer with Internet connection in the room. So he decided to send an e-mail to his wife but, he made a mistake in a letter and without realizing he sent it to another address ... The e-mail is received by a widow who had just arrived from her ...

A genie grants a woman three wishes but there is a catch.

Every wish she is granted, her husband, who she hates, is granted 10x that wish.

"So what would you like for your first wish?" the genie inquires.

"I want to be beautiful," says the woman.

"Sure thing, but just so you remember, your husband will be 10x more beautiful than you...

I ran behind the bus and finally able to catch it. I approached the bus driver and said

"Is this bus your mom?"
He: No

"your wife"
He: No

"Sister"
He: No

"Then why the hell you won't allowing me to ride?

Two men grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

“Where you wanna go?”

“Hooters.”

“Why Hooters?”

“They have those servers with the beautiful bosoms, the tight shorts, and the gorgeous legs.”

“You’re on.”

At age 42, they meet and play golf ...

Did you all catch the start of Stevie Wonder’s speech at the Nipsey Hustle funeral service?

“I honestly didn’t see this coming....”

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Catch me if you can

John is pretty overweight and struggles to loose weight. He finds an add that guarantees weight loss up to 50 pounds in 3 sessions. Sceptical at first he makes an appointment.
On his first appointment he is greeted and shown to a room where the treatment will proceed. He enters the room but immed...

How do you catch a lady of the night?

You HOOKer.

My dog used to love playing catch, but he hasn’t been the same since his lost his favorite ball

I was running low on cash so only I had enough money to cover 50% of his neutering procedure.

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

*You 'neak up on him.*

**How do you catch a tame rabbit?**

*The tame way!*

A businessman rushed into the train station just in time to catch the Brisbane to Rockhampton Express.

A businessman rushed into the train station just in time to catch the Brisbane to Rockhampton Express. On taking his seat he asked the conductor what time the train reached Gladstone.

 

"There's no stop in Gladstone on Wednesdays," replied the conductor.

"What!" Exclaim...

Why couldn't the cops catch the toilet bandit?

They had nothing to go on!!!

How do you catch a rabbit ?

You hide behind a bush and make carrot sounds

Which is faster, hot or cold?

Hot. You can always catch a cold

A nude guy was running to catch up with a bus

He gets on the moving bus just in time, just to find the passengers and the conductor to be staring at him.
"Never seen a nude passenger before?" He asked, to which the conductor flatly replies, "nah, since ur palms are empty, wondering where you put the bus fare."

What do you say when you catch the person who stole your tricycle?

Wheel wheel wheel...

How to catch an elephant

You need a boring book, a pair of binoculars, a pair of tweezers, and a beer bottle.

First, read the boring book until you fall asleep. When an elephant comes along he will look over your shoulder and read the book, and because it's so boring he will fall asleep too. So then you wake up! Now ...

How to catch an elephant.

So the first thing you want to do when trying to catch an elephant is dig a really big hole. They're absolute units so a REALLY big hole.
Next you need to burn stuff, you just need the soot and ashes so it doesn't matter what you burn. Once you have a lot of soot and ashes built up, you need t...

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My wife suspected I was cheating, so to catch me she hired a prostitute to flash her breasts and try to seduce me.

I didn't fall for that shit... I can spot a booby trap a mile away.

What should you do if you catch fire on a canoe?

Stop, drop, and row.

Boss: "If I catch you sleeping on the job again, you're fired!"

Me: "I understand. Won't happen again."

Boss: "Now go inventory the sheep."

Me: "Oh no!"

You browse the channels all night until you catch a glimpse of what you think is a nipple among the static.

You turn back to the channel in question to occasionally hear some grunting through the snow. You figure now is the best time if ever and for 30 minutes the picture finally comes in clear enough for you to discover that you have been spanking it to Mexican Wrestling.

Never catch snowflakes on your tongue

until all the birds have gone south for the winter!

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2 guys had to catch a 5 am flight.

But they didn't have a watch with them. So the guy asks his friend, what do we do?

His friend says follow my lead. He starts singing loudly, at the top of his voice.

After some time, one of the neighbors yells - dude, let us fucking sleep. It's 1:30 am already.

Wayne Gretzky, Wayne Newton, and Wayne Brady are all chasing after you. Which one is going to catch you first?

I don't know, but they are gonna get ya, one Wayne or another.

What do you call a man who can predict the number of fish a boat will catch?

A net prophet.

What do you call someone who is skilled at using lures to catch fish?

A master baiter

I've always wondered if it was easy to catch Bigfoot

I was relieved when my doctor told me it wasn't a disease

Why did the frog have to catch the bus?

Because his car got toad!

How to catch a polar bear

This is the first joke I ever told my grandpa(I was so little I don't even remember it) but he told everyone he could about it up to the day he passed.

Do you know how to catch a polar bear grandpa?

No I don't short-stuff, how do you catch one?

You cut a hole in the ice an...

How do you catch a Grizzly without traps?

With your bear hands.

How do you catch an elephant?

First you have to dig a pit deep enough to hold the elephant.

Then you have a huge bonfire and dump all of the leftover soot into that hole.

Next you place a ring of peas around the entire pit.

Now; you wait.

When an elephant comes by and stops to take a pea, you kick ...

(Dad Joke) You know the best way to catch a polar bear, right?

First, you cut a giant hole in the ice at least 20 foot around. Then you take several bags of frozen peas and open them up and spread them all around the hole nice and even.


Then, when the bear comes up to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.

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A man inherited a massive sum of money from his great aunt, but it came with a catch...

As part of the terms of the inheritance, he was required to care for her cherished grey parrot. The executor told him if anything should happen to the bird, or if he ever chose not to take care of it, he would have to forfeit the inheritance and estate.

At first, this seemed simple enough, bu...

Kept having my Amazon packages stolen off my porch ordered a security cam to deter/catch the culprit.

That package was stolen too.

Fishermen hate him- You won't believe the one item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else

Click bait.

How do you catch an elephant?

Ask me how college is going, there seems to always be an elephant in the room

What did the Fonz catch from sleeping with too many loose women?

Hepatitis Ayyyy!

Jewish guy runs home from work, panting and trying to catch his breath.

He plops down at the kitchen table, where his wife was cooking dinner.

Wife asks, "What happened Motek? Why are you so exhausted?"

Guy says with a huge smile, "Chooki, instead of taking the bus home from work today, I ran all the way behind it and saved $2.50!"

He was extremely ...

A lioness makes a nice kill, but has to catch a flight soon after.

There isn’t enough time to eat it all, and and she doesn’t want to waste so much good meat, so she just decides to bring it with her.

She gets to the airport, checks in and gets her boarding pass. She’s about to go through security when she’s stopped. “Sorry ma’am,” the guard says, “we don’t ...

It's hard for cannibals to catch psychics, but when they do, how do they like them cooked?

Medium rare

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The pope is coming over for dinner, so the priest goes out to catch a fish.

The pope is coming over for dinner, so the priest goes out to catch a fish. He meets a fisherman and they go out to sea. After a while, the preist catches a huge fish.

With the help of the fisherman, the priest brings the fish onto the boat. The fisherman says, "Ah, we finally caught the fuck...

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.

Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.

"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make ...

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I just can't catch a break! No matter what job I get, I always end up dealing with stiffs!

First as a Porn Star, then as a Waiter, then finally in a Morgue. I just can't win!

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it.

It's spam.

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When I was eight my grandfather told me...

There was this small pond in the woods and above it a fly was buzzing back and forth.

On the edge of the pond was a frog. The frog thought to itself, “If only that buzzing fly were a little lower I could hop up over the pond and eat it for my lunch.”

On a branch in the tree next to th...

Earlier today I told my Christian friend to “Have a Good Friday.” He didn’t catch my pun.

I’m not surprised. Jokes like this usually Pass Over his head.

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What kind of STD can you catch from phone sex ?

Hearing AIDS.

How to catch a Redditor

gotcha

Why are human traffickers hard to catch?

They know how to haul ass.

How do you catch a drummer?

By laying down a snare.

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