As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said

Y'know, one would have been enough.

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog. He immediately yanks the dog and starts to spin him in the air like a lasso.

The bartender freaks out, "What are you doing?!?!"


The blind man replies calmly, "Oh, just having a look around."

What has four eyes, but still can't read?

Mississippi.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

As I gazed into her eyes, my knees got weak, and I could feel butterflies in my stomach, and I knew just right then and there...

I roofied the wrong drink

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

“No-eye-deer”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When women remove polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye.

When Hitler removes Polish with chemicals, everyone loses their shit..

Carrots are good for your eyes.

But enough alcohol doubles your eyesight.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the chicken cross his eyes?

He was too cock-eyed to cross the road

I'm thinking of getting laser eye surgery next year...

So I can see in 2020

I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes...

But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle

What did the left eye say to the right eye?

Between you and me, something smells

I once put ketchup in my eyes

In Heinz-sight it was a bad idea

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So there I was, staring at Medusa's boobs when she said "HEY! My eyes are up here buddy!"...

But I was already rock hard

A married man left work early on Friday and went out for a few drinks with the boys. Instead of going home, however, he ended up partying with them all weekend and spent his entire pay check.

When he finally returned home on Sunday, his wife was furious and berated him excessively.
After a couple of hours of nagging and scolding, she asked him "**How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days**?!?"


"That would suit me just fine!!" the man said.
...

There was a guy who had a wooden eye.

He was depressed because he couldn't find a woman that could get past the eye. One day he decides to go to the bar and after getting shot down a few times he walks over to the bar to get drunk.

While sitting at the bar he sees a lady who looks upset. She had been shot down by a few men becau...

I went to see if my laser eye surgeon was any good

I don’t see any problems now

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pastor in church once made eye contact with me while giving a fiery sermon on how masturbators will burn in hell

Reluctantly, I put my penis back in my pants.

What has 8 eyes and 8 legs ?

8 pirates

A pretty woman sneezes at a restaurant.

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.

Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.

"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, an...

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Have you heard of the new eye-drops made by Viagra?

They make you look hard.

I once dated a girl with a lazy eye

It always felt like she was seeing someone on the side though

Why wasn't your wife startled by getting your sperm in her eye?

Because she saw you coming!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A father watched his young daughter as she played in the garden. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground. The father went over to her to see what had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" she asked. "They’re mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on t...

Asian guy goes to a eye doctor

After the checkup the doctor says "The problem is you have a cataract" then the Asian guy responds with"No I have a tesra"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?

Because they don't have a scrotum

A man with a wooden eye...

A man with a wooden eye is very self-conscious about his looks but also very lonely.

At the advice of his doctor, he decides to go to a local meetup with people who have similar disabilities.

After a while of listening to the music and looking around at the ladies he builds up the cour...

A man is driving down the road when he sees someone on the side of the road with three eyes, no arms and one leg ...

He pulls over and says, eye, eye eye, you look armless, hop in.

A surgeon fails an eye surgery

No one bats an eye.
A surgeon fails a brain surgery
and everybody loses their minds

Peter is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye

It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought..

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 ...

I have the eye of a tiger, the heart of a lion...

... and a lifetime ban from the New York Zoo.

I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a customer with her barcode reader for being rude.

The look on his face was priceless.

What's yellow and hurts when it falls in your eye?

A bulldozer

I want you to close your eyes for a moment and imagine a world without procrastination…

…actually, nevermind let’s do that later

Star Fish have an eye on the end of each leg

meaning all their treats are eye-candy

A young man enters a bar with an elderly woman with a phone attatched to her eye

He goes to the bartender and orders his drink, and sits down with the elderly woman.

The bar tender notices that whenever the young man starts looking at another girl the older woman slaps him across the face, and the bar tender assumes she is an overprotective mother.

This carries on ...

Don’t let your eye doctor give you cocaine

The first line will be big. But then they just get smaller and smaller.

There was this little girl sitting on the English side of the English Channel, bawling her eyes out. This pigeon was flying over and spotted her, so the pigeon flew down and asked what was wrong.

The little girl told the pigeon that she wanted to be a ballet dancer more than anything, but the only way she could be a ballet dancer was to get to France, being really the only place that teaches ballet.
After thinking for a moment, the pigeon told the little girl to wait and he would return.<...

"Your eyes look red." said the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?"

"Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A therapist pissed in a woman’s eyes.

“I’m in pain!” she cried

“No urine therapy.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman wants a facelift and her surgeon tells her about a new procedure

"We put a dial in the back of your head and when your skin starts to sag you simply turn the knob."

"That sounds good," she says.

Two years later, she goes back and tells the surgeon that the dial is giving her bags under her eyes.

"I'm sorry," replies the surgeon, "but those ar...

I was at the eye doctor with my 92 year old dad and they were asking people if they’d mind answering a few questions while they waited for their appointments. My dad said sure and we sat down in a corner with this lady.

She went through her survey and, at the end, asked him for his greatest strengths and weaknesses.

“Well, weaknesses...” he said “I guess I sometimes have trouble distinguishing fantasy from reality”

"And your greatest strength?” She asked.

“Oh, I’m the Batman”

John says to his friend: did you know, carrots are good for your eyes!

How are you so sure about that? Asks his friend. Well, John replies, have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?

"When I stick it in my mouth, do you want me to look into your eyes?"

"Ma'am, just blow in the breathalyzer, please."

You want to know the worst thing about owls?

It's the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

I went to a restaurant the other day and my waitress had two black eyes...

So I ordered real slow, because she obviously has a hard time listening..

God’s assistant: why did you give man two eyes?

God: So he can know how far or close danger is

God’s assistant: why two ears?

God: So he can know if danger is on the left or right

God’s assistant: then why only one nose? Surely it won’t help identify location of danger.

God: Yes but wouldn’t it be funny when he won’t...

Its the homecoming dance, and so far the gym is split between boys and girls.

Several minutes pass until the boys start talking to the girls and asking them to dance. One after another the girls get asked to. All but one remains. Nobody has asked her out due to her fake wooden eye that she has.

Then suddenly, one boy realizes her sitting alone and wishes she was havin...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Aliens

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The ...

I looked her square in the eyes and said, "Squirting isn't real, right? It's just urine, right?"

"I meant any questions about the *job."* the interviewer sighed.

Why is it good to wash your eyes with ketchup?

Because Heinzsight is 20/20.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pirate with an eye patch, a peg leg, and a hook walks into a bar.

The bartender notices him, and decides to ask about his injuries.

"So..." he starts off, "How'd you get that peg leg?"

"A shark bit off me leg."

"And the hook?"

"An enemy pirate cut off me hand."

The bartender gasps, fascinated by the pirate's stories.

"Wha...

I’m missing my eye patch.

Please keep an eye out for it.

My Wife had successful eye surgery

Edit* ex wife she finally seen what I looked like

A man was involved in a terrible car accident. Because of the accident he lost one of his eyes.

The doctor explained to him that he could get a fake eye to replace the real one. So the man agrees and chooses the least expensive. A wooden eye.   Some months pass and the mans friends come over to visit him. They are very worried because he has not been out of the house for months. They tell him ...

If everyone saw the world through my eyes

there'd be widespread fatalities in transportation and medicine not to mention mass panic as everyone started falling over and bumping into stuff

Today a Girl Winked at Me

With both of her eyes

I have three noses, twenty arms and 10 eyes, what am I?

A liar.

Doctor : You've got a problem in your eyes

Me : Oh i see



Doctor : No you can't

I can cut a piece of wood just by looking at it

It's true I saw it with my own eyes

What do you call a beauty queen with a black eye?

Miss Treatment

I am so talented that I can close my eyes and type this

Bdndjfkdhshdjfkfbshcjskahwjwwksndhcjdksbahxdkjbd

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

(Hillbilly) Well I gots no i-dear-ah

What has one eye and two asses?

Assassin.

What do you call a kid with no arms, no legs and an eye patch?

Names

An eye is going to anger management

The counselor asks the eye “why are you currently in anger management?” To which the eye responds “Eyelash out at people when I get angry and I can’t stop.”

What do you call a deer with one eye and a broken leg?

I have no eye-deer

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A sailor is recruited onto a Pirate ship...

After swearing loyalty to the Captain and crew, and receiving his daily list of duties, the new recruit is brought up onto the poop deck to briefly meet the Captain. The Captain, a rugged-looking pirate with a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye-patch, is an intimidating-looking man indeed.
<...

Jokes about eyes...

...are getting cornea and cornea

It's Trump's wedding anniversary in a few days and in a rare tender moment, he described the first time he ever laid eyes on Melania...

..and clicked 'add to cart'

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A shy 8th grader has a wooden eye.

He was born with only one working eye and constantly feels insecure about his condition which he is ridiculed for by the rest of his class. But he is not the only person in the class subject to the class' tormentors. There also happens to be a young girl in the class who is frequently made fun of fo...

A fly flew into my boyfriend's eye...

Told him they'd stop bugging him if he made less eye contact.

Extraordinary eyes

My eyes are so good I can see exactly 1 year into the future

I guess I have 2020 vision

My earliest childhood memory is going to the eye doctor when I was 8.

Life before that is a blur.

It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye

But it also stops being fun and games when someone finds an eye

What do you say after telling a really bad eye joke?

Corny uh?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two guys are sitting at a bar and both have black eyes

They laugh about the situation, and one guy says to the other, “What happened to you?”

“Well”, he says, “I was at the airport and I go up to the counter to find this gorgeous, chesty woman working. And instead of saying, ‘Hi, I’d like two tickets to Pittsburgh’, I accidentally said ‘Hi, I’d l...

What do you call a student who’s studying to become an eye doctor?

A pupil.

What has three eyes, two noses, and a tail?

Antivax baby.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between my eyes and my eyeballs?

My balls

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An unfortunate glass eye joke.

Two cowboys came into town after six months out on the range. They were very young and virgins and decided they would get a whore that night. But they were nervous so they had beer after beer and a couple whiskeys. They spent most of their money and only had three dollars left. They asked the barten...

Transformers: More than meets the eye.

Trans-formers: your mom's now a guy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girl asked me if I wanted her to look in my eyes when she put it in her mouth.

I told her just to blow in the fucking breathalizer already.

.....Suddenly, my eyes widened and I choked the urge to scream....

...then sneezed, but no one is around to bless me.

When I was a child, I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed and waiting for Santa to come...

Then crying myself to sleep as he put his clothes back on and left.

I told my dad I was going for an eye test today

He texted me afterwards asking "How did it go?"

Two hours later I replied, "Sorry, I didn't see your message."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I met a real life pirate. He had a patch over his eye, a hook for a hand, and a peg leg.

I asked what happened to his leg. He told me he got shot with a cannon, and it took it clean off. I asked why he has a hook for a hand. He said that a shark bit it off while he was out at sea. I asked what happened to his eye. He told me a seagull pooped in his eye. I said "that can make you ...

A mp3 hits your ears a mp4 hits your eyes

An mp5 hits your vital organs.

I have six eyes, 2 mouths and three ears, What am I?

Ugly

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My grandma told me this one

An American, Irishman and Japanese man are sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly, something started beeping rapidly. The American pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. He explained: that was my pager. I have a microchip installed in under my skin. A few minutes later, a telephone rang. The J...