What has 15 eyes, 15 hands, and 15 feet?

15 pirates.

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As I looked into her eyes, I felt my knees go weak and butterflies in my stomach.

That's when I realized I drugged the wrong glass!

If a Pomeranian looked Medusa in the eyes...

...it would become a pomegranite.

I dated a girl with a lazy eye once.

It turns out she was seeing someone else on the side.

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At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other.

The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.

After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and ...

Your eyes

When you die, the last part of your body to stop working are your pupils.

They dilate

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What do you call a man with no arms, no legs and only one eye?

Dick.

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Why do women close their eyes during sex?

They hate to see you enjoying yourself

I like jokes about eyes.

The cornea the better.

When I close my eyes, I always see the color green.

Probably just a pigment of my imagination.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion and the eye of the tiger

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!

>!Everybody!<

Edit 1: Wow, this blew up. is this where you post your soundcloud?

Edit 2: My inbox is ruined, I should start charging reddit coins for formatting questions.

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Why did crappy pirates only have one eye?

because they couldn't sea well

Saw a guy in an AA van crying his eyes out today

I thought, he’s having a breakdown

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The boy with the wooden eye.

There was a poor kid in Highschool who only had one eye. He couldn't afford a glass eye so he had one made out of wood. The wooden eye looked terrible and he was very self-conscious about it.

Despite his appearance he always tried to score a date with the hottest girls in school. One day in ...

What did the left eye say to the right eye?

"Between you and me, something smells."

What has 50 heads, 97 eyes and 8 teeth?

The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.

What do you call a pig with three eyes?

Piiig

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....

You know, one would have been enough.

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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no sex organs?

Still no fucking idea.

Why did the cross-eyed teacher get fired?

She couldn't control her pupils.

You have to keep an eye out when you start working at a potato factory

You don't want to endsp ud like everyone else, with a chip on their shoulder

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce.

I found out she was seeing someone on the side.

What has two heads, four eyes, four arms, four legs, that isn't extraterrestrial?

A pregnant woman.

My wife told me to do some light reading at the end of a long day. It was horrible, and now my eyes hurt.

The only thing I was able to make out was "60 watts - made in China"

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Dead Eyed Dick

Here's a cheer to Dead Eyed Dick!

The only man with a spiraled prick.

He went out on a worldwide hunt,

To find a women with a spiraled cunt.

When he found her, the son of a bitch dropped dead.

Damn thing had a left hand thread.

"Doc, I've got a sinus headache, an abscessed tooth, itchy eyes, and a canker sore. What is wrong with me? "

Doc: "Well, I'll be honest. I think it's all in your head."

My wife had laser eye surgery last week

Turns out her vision was initially worse than we knew. But it’s 20/20 now and she’s looking forward to staying friends.

I named a spider on my wall cotton eyed joe

Because I have two questions,
Where did he come from,
And where did he go!?

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Today I see a blind gentleman and his seeing eye dog waiting at traffic light to cross the road

When the light turns green, the dog doesn't bring its human to cross the road, but starts peeing at the leg of the gentleman. Instead of punishing the dog, the gentleman takes out a treat to feed the dog.

I approach them and say: Excuse me sir. You are the most patient and kind owner I have ...

I've got my mother's eyes and my father's nose

I think my brother got the better deal, he got left their house and money.

My eye doctor just told me my eyesight is so perfect I can see into next year!

He called it “2020 Vision.”

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After recovering from an accident resulting in the loss of his eye, Jim decides to have a drink at the local pub with a few friends. The man, self-conscious about being made fun of for his wooden eye, downs three shots to try to loosen up.

He notices his friends pointing and laughing at a girl with what appeared to be a mouth that went up and down rather than side-to-side. He, of all people, could understand her discomfort, and decided to walk over and introduce himself.

After an hour and a few drinks, the conversation was flo...

This is a Mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The e...

I met a woman once, she was able to light up the room when she walked in. When our eyes met...

She screamed and called the cops. I was later charged with breaking an entering and attempted burglary.

I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes

But thats Heinz sight.

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What does Prince Andrew, Manchester United & the black eyed peas have in Comon?

It all went to shit when fergie left.

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This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.

The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your ...

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If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are...

you have small boobs....

It's yellow, and if it hits you in the eye, you die?

a bulldozer

My friend is learning to write code and he just lost an eye..

He wants to write a patch but he can’t see sharp.

Do you want me to look into your eyes when you put it in my mouth?

**Officer:** Ma'am, please... just blow into the breathalyzer.

Finally got round to booking my laser eye surgery for the 1st January

Can't wait to have 2020 vision.

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Did you hear about that baby that was born without one of his eye-lids? they used part of his foreskin to replace it.

He’ll be alright, just a little cock-eyed.

I lost an eye as a child when a large book fell from a shelf onto my face as I slept.

I hold no remorse though. Ironically the book that blinded me taught me the very path to justice that soothed my anger.

Good old bble.

Meeting with the eye surgeon is such a scam, I paid over $500 just for the consultation!

And I still don't know who I'm seeing.

I’m a big fan of Eye jokes,

The cornea the better

I have four eyes, three noses, five mouths and seven ears. What am I?

Ugly

I came out of Asda earlier and there was a woman crying her eyes out. She’d lost all her holiday money that she’d been saving for months. I felt so sorry for her i gave her £50.

I don’t usually do that kind of thing but I’d just found £2000 in the car park.

You have so much bags under your eyes

Gucci wants to sell them.

I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.

The look on her face was priceless.

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A doctor told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realiz...

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Did you know there was a nerve that connected your asshole to your eye?

Don't believe me? Pull a hair out of your asshole and tell me that don't bring a tear to your eye :)

My local priest said I was the most handsome boy he had ever laid eyes on

I was touched

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Old witch: “You won’t take the entry-level wizarding jobs that are available, you spend all your money on eye of newt and you think every little spell you cast deserves some kind of participation goblet.”

Ok Broomer.

Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?

Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.

Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven

When an old man approaches.

"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.

"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I loved him ve...

I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.

he's just going through a rough patch!

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A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvio...

I couldnt believe it. Tears rolled down my eyes as I said, 'Its a boy'

That was when I decided to leave Thailand and never return

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.
The nake...

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The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, “So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?”

The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse.”

The Ch...

LOST DOG - 3 legged - blind in one eye - missing left ear - broken tail - recently castrated

Answers to "LUCKY"

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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all ...

People who are cross eyed were probably never told "keep making that face and it will stay that way"

Double crossed imo

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

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A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said

'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'

'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

Bartender: What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.

Pirate: Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.<...

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Serve alcohol at a party, nobody bats an eye

Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit

A man stepped out of his house to go for his afternoon walk when he noticed his neighbor had two black eyes...

"Whatn' hell happened to you Frank?"

"Well, I was in church last Sunday and I noticed a lady in front of me had her dress stuck up in her buns so being the gentleman I am I reached down and pulled the dress free and she turned around and hit me between the eyes"he replied.

The neighbor...

What did one eye say to the other?

Between us, something smells.

Courtesy of the laffy taffy in my candy bowl. Happy Haloween! :)

Beauty is in the eye of the B. Holder

Dr. Bartholomew Holder, my dentist, that man has the most beautiful eyes you'll ever seen.

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What has two humps, moves slow and will spit in your eyes when angry?

My mother-in law.
You were almost right,
she has a huge camel toe!

A guy walks into a clinic with a bruised eye

Doctor : How did this happen?

Guy : I was banging my neighbor over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" I should have probably ran.

I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes.

But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle.

If someone with a parrot and an eye patch carjacks me...

can I call him “a pirate of the car I be in?”

I’m outta here!!

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying,
"I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me"
Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the k...

I'm holding a bee in my hands. What is in my eye?

Beauty

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I just got an eye infection for rubbing it too hard.

I guess I can’t masturbate for awhile now.

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I just had a near sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.

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Me: *stares at medusa's breasts.* Medusa: "My eyes are up here."

Me after looking: *gets rock hard*

I was eating a hotdog the other day and when I took a bite ketchup squirted in my eye.

Now I have heinzsight

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at o...

Officer pulls a guy over and says to him, “Sir your eyes look a little glazed, have you been drinking?”

The guy responds, “Sir your eyes look a little glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?”

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A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll bet you 100 dollars I can bite my left eye.”

The bartender doesn’t think he can bite his own eye so he bets him 100 dollars. The man takes out his glass eye and bites it. The bartender ends up giving him 100 dollars. The man comes back a few minutes later and says “I’ll let you get your money back. I’ll bet you 300 dollars I can’t bite my righ...

After years of saving Saul finally had enough money to get his eye transplant in China

His wife was opposed to the idea on moral grounds. His brother was worried he might lose what little sight he had now. His friends were worried that what he was doing wasn't entirely legal.

He dismissed them all one by one and finally bought his ticket and set off with grim determination. <...

I broke up with my lazy-eyed girlfriend today.

I heard she was seeing people on the side.

When I was a young, I loved basketball and was a huge Michael Jordan fan. But I wasn't sure if I had enough talent to become a pro player. Until one day I saw this huge poster. In the poster Jordan points at me and the caption reads "JUST DO IT". I got tears in my eyes and decided "I will do IT! ".

That's how I became a web developer.

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A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."

A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."

Barely believing his eyes, he turns into an old truck stop - and sure enough - there's a big neon sign that says "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."

He knocks and...

Guess who I bumped into on the way to the eye doctor?

Everyone.

A man goes to the eye doctor.

He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."

What do you call it when an apple user looks you in the eye?

iContact.

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I saw that my wife’s eye makeup smeared all around when she woke up this morning.

I couldn’t even raccoon-eyes her.

If you remove everyone's eyelashes, no one bats an eye.

But if you remove everyone's brains, everyone loses their minds.

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If you’re blind and have a seeing eye dog

Do you have to pick up the dog shit?

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If your eyes hurt after drinking coffee

Then take the spoon out of the cup dickhead

A man has gotten shocked in his eye. He lives, so the question is...who does he thank?

Ohm Eye God

A guy shows up at work with two black eyes...

...when asked what happened he said, "I was riding on the bus this morning when this rather large woman stood up to get off. I noticed her dress was stuck in the crack of her ass, so being a gentleman, I politely pulled it out for her. She turned around and slugged me.

When asked how he got t...

After my friend poured ketchup in his eyes for a dare he exclaimed, “This was a terrible idea.”

Heinz sight is 20/20

A one-eyed guy named Wazowski found a magic lamp

Genie: you have one wish

Wazowski: I want an extra eye

Genie: done

Wazowskii: but nothing happened

Have you heard of the new Apple Product designed to protect your eyes?

It's called iLid

John, look me in the eyes. All of my life I needed a strong, good looking, confident man and you

are the one who can help me find someone like that.

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A grizzled old sea captain walks into a bar. He has a peg leg, an eye patch, and a hook hand.

The captain sits down and orders a drink. The bartender serves it, and asks the captain a question.

-If you don't mind, how did you get that peg leg?

-I were chasing the white whale, laddy! Dangerous business!

-Well, how did you get the hook hand?

-Yar, had me a swashbuck...

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3 Cowboys NSFW

Three cowboys sat around a campfire, all exchanging tall tales about how tough they all were.

The first cowboy says “I’m the toughest of the bunch. I was out in the tall grass, looking for a good spot to take a piss. All the sudden this snake appears. And you can see in its eyes, it’s out fo...

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw...

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