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Me: *stares at medusa's breasts.* Medusa: "My eyes are up here."

Me after looking: *gets rock hard*

What has 50 pairs of eyes but only three teeth?

The front row at a Trump rally.

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Serve alcohol at a party, nobody bats an eye

Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit

I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes.

But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle.

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said

Y'know, one would have been enough.

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On a first date with Medusa I was staring at her boobs she told me, "Hey pal my eyes are up here."

I was already rock hard though.

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When a woman removes polish with chemicals, nobody bats an eye.

But when Hitler removes Polish with chemicals, everyone loses their shit.

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A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll bet you 100 dollars I can bite my left eye.”

The bartender doesn’t think he can bite his own eye so he bets him 100 dollars. The man takes out his glass eye and bites it. The bartender ends up giving him 100 dollars. The man comes back a few minutes later and says “I’ll let you get your money back. I’ll bet you 300 dollars I can’t bite my righ...

What did the left eye say to the right eye?

"Between you and me, something smells"

(Credit to a 9 y.o. I thought it was funny)

What is it called when you poke your eye while putting on safety glasses?

Eyerony

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea!

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea!

Hint: say it out loud

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

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If your eyes hurt after drinking coffee

Then take the spoon out of the cup dickhead

I love puns about the eyes.

The cornea the better.

Did you hear that there’s a webpage for people who suffer from chronic eye pain?

It’s a site for sore eyes.

Dying, the man's life flashed before his eyes. But he smiled.

He'd forgotten all about that meme.

A brother hits his sister in the eye with a pool noodle.

It was an accident but the girl gets a really nasty black eye. So the next day the girl gets to tell to all her friends about it and blames the brother. The brother doesn’t like the unwarranted attention.

He goes to his father and tells him he doesn’t like his sister telling everyone he hit ...

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How do you call a deer without an eye?

No-eye-deer

What do you call a deer without an eye and without legs?

Still no-eye-deer

What do you call a deer without legs, a penis and an eye?

Still no fucking eye-deer

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh.

My secretary called this morning and said she cant work anymore because she lost her eye. After assuring her that was understandable, I asked her to send me her resignation in writing for HR purposes.

"Dear Smon,

The past year has been terrfc, but t s my sncere regret to nform you today wll be my last day wth the organsaton ... "

Using the keyboard is so easy, I can do it with my eyes closed!

Said Stevie Wonder

I went to the eye surgeon the other day and you won't guess who i bumped into.

Everyone!

A Chinaman goes to see the eye doctor...

After the exam the doctor said, "I know why you're having trouble." The Chinaman says, "why?" Doctor said, "you have a cataract." Chinaman says, "no, I have a Rincoln Continental."

Dude #1: “I’ve got a thing for plucking people’s eyes out.”

Dude #2: “I can see that.”

Dude #1: “No you can’t.”

I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I?

Ugly

I just got back from an eye examination where they dilated my pupils

It was truly an eye opening experience

Pretty woman sneezes...

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her...

When a girl says she wants to have a guy's babies, no one bats an eye, but when I say I want to give someone my babies-

-I'm suddenly under arrest for human trafficking.

Quick question

How much no more tears shampoo do you have to rub in a baby's eyes before it stops crying?

What's it called when you see desserts out of the corner of your eye?

Profiterole vision

A dog limps into a saloon, with a bandage around his leg and a mean scowl. He looks around suspiciously. The barman, polishing whiskey glasses, eyes the dog and says ' Evenin' pardner, what happened to you? '

Dog replies 'Sombody shot my paw'.

The English Women's world cup team visited an orphanage. "They looked helpless. They had a lack of hope in their eyes...."

said Aurora , age 3.

The wife told me she couldn't take my pretending to be a private eye shtick any more. She want's to split up.

Good idea Karen, we'll cover more ground.

A couple of years ago, one night,

I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood.

Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my pl...

What do you call a guy with no eyes?

Well, it’s rude to call people names. But he goes by Mchael.

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A pirate with an eye patch, a peg leg, and a hook walks into a bar.

The bartender notices him, and decides to ask about his injuries.


"So..." he starts off, "How'd you get that peg leg?"


"A shark bit off me leg."


"And the hook?"


"An enemy pirate cut off me hand."


The bartender gasps, fascinated by the...

What do you call a woman with 1 black eye?

A goddamn ambulance. This is no time for jokes, there's been an assault.

Not all eye jokes are bad

Some are cornea than others

What do you call jokes about eyes?

Vitreous humor.

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I saw a pirate at the bar, he had a claw for a hand, a peg leg, and an eye patch on.

I saw a pirate at the bar, he had a claw for a hand, a peg leg and an eye patch on.

I asked what misfortune caused the loss of his leg. “A shark bit me leg clean off”

Curiosity piqued, I asked about his hand. “This beheaded fish still had the gall to bite down mighty fierce”

Las...

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Two Black eyes

Old Joe comes into the bar, back from Sunday morning church, with two black eyes. Bartender asks, what happened, how did you get black eyes?

Joe says, I was at the church, and I see this lady in the row front of me, her skirt stuck in the crack of her butt. I figured it must be uncomfortable ...

My Boyfriend poked me in the eyes...

...So I stopped seeing him for a little while.

I make bad puns.

That's how eye roll.

The Queer eye producers want to to run a spinoff show with the singer P!nk

But pink eye for the straight guy never really took off

Teacher teacher ..[LONG]

TEACHER: What's wrong?

MUSA : Our house is very small.

MUSA: My mum,my dad, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, Musa r u sleeping?' Then I say No & then he slaps my face & gives me a black eye"

TEACHER: Tonight when ur dad asks again, keep dead quiet. don'...

A Polish Guy Goes to the Eye Doctor

A Polish guy goes to the eye doctor for a checkup. He sits in the chair and the eye doctor says to him, "Can you read the chart on the wall?"

The guy replies, "Read it? I know him!"

I looked longingly into my beloved's eyes and whispered, "A...E...I...O...U...and sometimes, Y."

The priest then turned to her. "And has the bride prepared any wedding vowels? "

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A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue. The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem.

When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed.

“Four-eyes”. An insult in America...

A beauty standard in Chernobyl.

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog. He immediately yanks the dog and starts to spin him in the air like a lasso.

The bartender freaks out, "What are you doing?!?!"


The blind man replies calmly, "Oh, just having a look around."

Never argue with someone on The London Eye...

...You'll just end up going round in circles.

Two blondes were walking in the park. One blonde says, "Aw! Look at that puppy with only one eye!"

So the other blonde covers an eye with her hand and says, "Where?"

What has four eyes, but still can't read?

Mississippi.

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They made an engaging looking couple in the swank restaurant: The man was handsome, graying and obviously well off; the woman was a joy to any eye - very young, ravishing and delectable.

As they each read their menus, the gentleman asked his date what she would like to eat.


She scanned the menu yet again, and said, "To begin, I'll have two champagne cocktails, then a dozen oysters on the half shell and a tureen of turtle soup. As entrees I'll have the filet of English s...

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw...

Who do Australians hunt with one eye?

Because a bad eye can’t

But a good-eye-might

My friends eye was swollen shut, so I said,

FB EYE OPEN UP!

A man is taking an eye exam, but is terrified of letters

During the eye exam, the doctor asks him to cover one eye and read out all the letters from top to bottom.

Man: I can't, I am terribly afraid of random letters.

Doctor: You are?

Man: [Screams]

Doctor: Oh, I see..

Man: [Screams louder]

What do you call a penguin with no eye?

A Pengun.

An undertaker comes home with a black eye.

An undertaker comes home with a black eye.


"What happened to you?" asks his wife.


"I had a terrible day," replies the undertaker. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When i got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag be...

Why did the gangster have to keep seeing the eye doctor?

Because he had glock-oma.

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Doctor my Eyes

Doctor, my eyes tear up every time I have sex.

It's normal, that's just the pepper spray.

I looked her square in the eyes and asked, "Squirting isn't real, right? It's just urine, right?"

"I meant any questions about the job." the interviewer sighed.

I once put ketchup in my eyes

In Heinz-sight it was a bad idea

I told a girl that her eyes remind me of stars.

"Oh, you mean bright and shiny? :)"

"No, they're really far apart."

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Why did the chicken cross his eyes?

He was too cock-eyed to cross the road

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Two Black Eyes

One day a guy comes home from church sporting two black eyes. His wife says to him, yo, what the heck happened to you? Guy says, I’m sitting behind this lady, and when we stand for prayers, I notice her dress is stuck up the crack of her ass, so I reach out and tug it out for her. She turns around a...

Carrots are good for your eyes.

But enough alcohol doubles your eyesight.

I met the guy who performed my eye surgery

I have to say he really opened my eyes.

I have the eye of a tiger, the heart of a lion...

... and a lifetime ban from the New York Zoo.

I'm thinking of getting laser eye surgery next year...

So I can see in 2020

What did the eye say to the annoying light?

You're really getting on my optic nerves.

Why did Marcel Duchamp’s kids always roll their eyes at him?

Because of all the Dada jokes!

Happy Father’s Day

Almost got pink eye

Good thing im colorblind

I will tell you what always catches me eyes

Short people with umbrellas

My ophthalmologist told me I have a lazy eye

I am glad he didn’t discovered about the rest of my body.

I once dated a girl with a lazy eye.

She was seeing someone on the side.

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Why do women close their eyes when you have sex with them???

Because they can't stand watching a man have a good time.

A man sits down alone at a restaurant.

As soon as he sits down he sees a very attractive woman sitting across from him in the next booth. “Surely she is waiting for someone.” thought the man. “There is no way someone that attractive could be eating alone.”

Well the meal goes on and no one shows up to sit with the attractive woman....

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing-eye dog...

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing-eye dog. After standing there for a few seconds, he suddenly starts swinging the dog around in circles at the end of its leash.

The bartender, understandably nonplussed, asks, "Excuse me, sir... Can I help you?"

"Oh, no, thank you," replies ...

What do you call a chicken with lettuce in its eyes?

Chicken sees a salad

I just got sulphurous acid in my eyes but I'm not alarmed.

And I'm certainly not going to see a doctor.

What has 8 eyes and 8 legs ?

8 pirates

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing-eye dog.

He stands in the center of the bar, takes the dog by the chain, and starts swinging him above his head.


Everyone stops and stares. Upset about the way the animal is being treated, a patron runs up to the blind man and demands, "What the heck are you doing?"


The blind man tu...

Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.

Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea. 
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.

There was a guy who had a wooden eye.

He was depressed because he couldn't find a woman that could get past the eye. One day he decides to go to the bar and after getting shot down a few times he walks over to the bar to get drunk.

While sitting at the bar he sees a lady who looks upset. She had been shot down by a few men becau...

A married man left work early on Friday and went out for a few drinks with the boys. Instead of going home, however, he ended up partying with them all weekend and spent his entire pay check.

When he finally returned home on Sunday, his wife was furious and berated him excessively.
After a couple of hours of nagging and scolding, she asked him "**How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days**?!?"


"That would suit me just fine!!" the man said.
...

Peter is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye

It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought..

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 ...

I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a customer with her barcode reader for being rude.

The look on his face was priceless.

What's yellow and hurts when it falls in your eye?

A bulldozer

A man was talking to his friend at the bar. The friend said “Did you know that 9 out of 10 women with brown eyes cheat on their husbands?”

“No, I didn’t know that.” The man replied.

“So what color are your wife’s eyes?” asked the friend.

The man replied, “I’m too drunk to remember. Geez, I better go home and find out.”

So the man hurries home to find his wife in bed and asleep. The man carefully lifts his wife’s ey...

I went to see if my laser eye surgeon was any good

I don’t see any problems now

A young boy is jogging away from school, with tears running down his eyes, sobbing. He enters a house and...

Says "Mom! Mom! Evrryone in my school keeps calling me distracted"

The woman replies

"They are probably right my boy because your house is on the other side of the street"

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Eye contact

The only time I made eye contact with my girlfriend during sex was when she unexpectedly entered the bedroom.

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A pastor in church once made eye contact with me while giving a fiery sermon on how masturbators will burn in hell

Reluctantly, I put my penis back in my pants.

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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idear.

What do you call a no-eyed deer that cannot move?

Still no idear.

What do you call something that's having sex with an immobile, no-eyed deer?

Fucking still no idear.

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Have you heard of the new eye-drops made by Viagra?

They make you look hard.

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