UPJOKE
lenseyeballirisretinaannelidbraincorneaoptic nervesighthearteyelidfacelookopticarthropod

What’s yellow and hurts if you get it in you eye?

A bulldozer

What's the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.

Chick Peas can hummus one.

My girlfriend shouted at me, “You’re always acting like a detective. I want to split up!" Eyes growing wide, I replied...

"Great idea! We can cover more ground that way!"

I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

I was dating this girl, who is crossed eyed. We eventually broke up because we didn’t see eye to eye. But between you and me, I think she was seeing someone on the side.

This legit came out of my VP’s mouth while at work. haha

Jesus walks into a bar and says "who will buy me a beer" the guy with the 1 eye walks over and buys him a beer..Jesus raises his hand and touches the guys eye healing it instantly! he then asks for another beer..an old veteran paralyzed from the chest down rolls over to him and says

Ill buy your next beer Jesus..once again Jesus raises his hand to heal the veteran and the veteran screams
"NO JESUS DON'T!!!! IM ON THE DISABILITY BENEFIT!"

A little boy came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing.

It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.
"Well, Dad," said the boy, "I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."
"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."

"I know, but ...

"IT'S A BOY!! IT'S A BOY!!" he cried with teary eyes. At that very moment he vowed...

.. to never visit Thailand again!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's a nerve that runs from your eyes to your anus called the eyenus nerve

If you pluck a hair from your ass you shed a tear.

I just got dumped by my cross-eyed girlfriend

She said she wasn’t looking forward to see me.

I got a black eye from my wife just for explaining how much I love her…

I guess she just MissHeard me.

I accidentally splashed pickle juice in my eyes

Now I'm brined.

What did the left eye say to the right eye?

Between you and me, something smells

I asked my son, "If there’s a bee in my hand, what’s in my eye?!" Exasperated, he replied, "I don't know, what?"

"Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder!"

Just met my friend on the street crying his eyes out so I asked him what was wrong

He said "Today is the 2nd of the 2nd 2022 and I just turned 22 so I went to the bookies and put €222 on the second horse in the second race of the day.. It was at 2.22!"

"That all sounds great" I said, "What went wrong"?

"He came second".

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog. Once he enters he picks up his dog and starts swinging him around. The bartender yells and runs over to the man and says “Hey man what are you doing!?”
The blind man responds, “oh nothing, I’m just looking around”.

I asked my kid for a phone book. They rolled their eyes and said "OK boomer, we don't use those anymore" and handed me their phone.

Now their phone is smashed and they are furious, but I got that spider!

I went to the doctor because every time I open my eyes, I barf everywhere.

He looked me over and said it was the WORST case of SEE SICKNESS he'd ever encountered




^(made that up just now... I'm so sorry everyone)

I call my wife Bambi. She thinks because she's so cute, with big brown eyes.

Actually it's because I'd like someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle.

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a cross-eyed cowboy and a constipated owl?

One can shoot, but can't hit


The other can hoot, but can't shit!

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?

Shine a flashlight in her ears...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his throat.

The doctor asks him what happened.

“Well it was like this,” said Jack. “I was having a quiet game of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.<...

Pretty sure you have heard this one before but here goes nothin: What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

>!No eye deer. \*shrugs\*!<

He used to be the village's chief, until he lost his eye...

Now he's just a chef.

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give t...

A man walks into a butcher shop and says, “hey, I’d like some of that nice looking rib eye you got on that top shelf please”

The butcher replies, “I’m sorry sir, I can’t do that, the steaks are too high”.

I thought I saw an eye doctor in Alaska yesterday

But it was only an optical Aleutian

I passed a tow truck and the poor driver was crying his eyes out.

I thought "He's headed for a breakdown"

A Pirate was offered a prosthetic in place of his eye patch...

The doctor asked, "I made this prosthetic eye out of oak wood to replace your eye patch. Would you like to try it?"

The pirate replied, "Would I?!"

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognizing him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over...

A man comes home from church with two black eyes.

His wife takes one look at him and exclaims, "how in the world did you get two black eyes at church!?"

"Well" the man answers, "When we stood up to pray, i noticed that the woman in front of me had the back of her dress tucked in to her pantyhoes. I didn't want to embarrass her by telling he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

… no i-deer

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

… still no i-deer

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no dick?

… still no fucking i-deer

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The a...

As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know there’s no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued...

"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"

Apple have come up with a new revolutionary eye patch for pirates.

It's called the iEye patch.

(I'm sorry)

After rewatching Doctor Strange use the Eye of Agamotto

I thought that it would be a good idea to list other lesser known, possibly not as powerful, Eye Relics for those who may not know of their existence.

The Eye of Hellomoto: Helps improve Motorola phone reception.

The Eye of Pickamoco: Aids in clearing the nasal cavity of any sorcerer...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend has been telling me for years that I need glasses. I finally decided to go to the eye doctor to prove her wrong.

Now I have to hide these fucking glasses.

Why do women close their eyes when they're getting laid?

Because they can't stand to see a guy having a good time...

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is her eyes.

Women say the first thing they notice about men is that they're a bunch of liars.

You know what always catches my eye?

Short people with umbrellas.

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train".

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting". "No, honey, not with that blond...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from

So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A propper pirate walks into a bar, wearing his pirate hat, eye patch, old guns by his hip, of course also a hook and all these kind of things. The barmaid asks him:

What the hell happened to you?! Why do you have a hook?! He replies: „Ah well its just one of these war stories, you know.. lost my hand in a fight.“
„Wow! And how did you get the eye patch?“ sais she.
„Oh, that is because seagull shit into my eye there once.“
The barmaid responds: „What?! ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joe rented an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Joe broke out into a sweat...

I have a girlfriend with a lazy eye. She's the best.

Whenever I make a mistake she always looks the other way.

Doctor goes hunting

A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.

“Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.”

“Yes, sir!” – answers Seamus.

The doctor goes hunting and ...

They say I have my mother’s eyes...

But they can’t prove it.

"Your eyes look red." said the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?"

"Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

# So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all th...

I bet you won’t expect this. What has five eyes but can’t see?

The Spanish Inquisition!

I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.

The look on his face was priceless.

One night, a couple of years ago, I was about to propose to my girlfriend.

But my roommate Joseph barged in out of no where, tripped and fell over breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood.

Now, I didn't know Joseph that well, don't even remember where he was from. But let's just say I put my plans on hold to help him with his injuries. Joseph ha...

I asked my girlfriend if I could make her mine. "Yes! Oh, yes!" she shouted, eyes filled with tears. "Great!" I said.

"Now take this pick and go find me some gold!"

I have the heart of a lion, the eyes of an eagle

and a lifetime ban from the zoo

A boy, Billy, is born with no left eye, so the doctors surgically implant a wooden eye in the socket

All through his youth, he is shunned and bullied for his deformation. He grows hard and strong from all the fights he’s been forced to engage in throughout the years, but underneath it all he remains a good kid

High school is coming to an end and Billy’s goal remains the same: survive. Someho...

Did you hear about the chef that threw salt in a person's eyes, followed by dumping a bowl of batter over his head?

He was charged with a salt and battering

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nick had always wanted to own a motorcycle, which is why he leapt at the chance when a friend of a friend was selling his bike

The bike, despite being old, was in immaculate condition.

"How do you keep it so pristine?" asks Nick.

"Oh, it's easy! Any time it's about to rain, I just coat the body with vaseline, and the rain and mud just slips right off! Here, I'm not going to need it anymore, why don't you take ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date,

chances are... you have small boobs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman walks into a bank to deposit $100,000 in cash

The bank manager decides to handle this himself, as it’s such a large deposit. As he is processing her request, he asks, “Do you mind if I ask what it is you do for a living?”.

She says, “I make bets with people…For example, I bet you $50,000 that your testicles are cube shaped, like dice”....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young couple is outside doing yard work..

They’ve been working hard all morning and the wife says “boy I’m cooked, I’m gonna go inside and clean up.” The husband tells her he’s going to stay outside and keep working for a while.

She goes inside the house, up the stairs into the bathroom, gets the water running, and gets completely un...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets home it fucks all of his 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens. Next day it's fucking the ducks and the geese too

Sadly, later in the day the farmer finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling over its head. Farmer yells , "You deserve it, you horny bastard!"

The cock slowly opens one eye, looks up at the sky and whispers , " Shhhhhh, They're about to land!!!"

A man had a horrible stabbing pain in his eye every time he drank a hot toddy.

He went to the doctor to try to rectify it.

“It’s important,” his doctor told him, “to take the spoon out of the cup before you drink it.”

Happy hot toddy day!

Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!

>!Everybody!<

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As I gazed into her eyes, my knees got weak and I could feel the butterflies in my stomach. I knew right and there…

I had roofied the wrong glass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do girls rub their eyes when they wake up?

Coz they've no balls to scratch

I looked into my partner's eyes and said to the priest, "I do."

If nobody else was going to object to the marriage, then I guess I had to.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think you'll like this joke, even though it's a little long

An Elderly Irish lady visits her physician
To ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance" she replied. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem," said the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra.”
"What on Earth is Iri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW My Favorite Gilbert Gottfried joke

NSFW

A man goes to see his wife in the hospital. She has been getting sicker and sicker and is clearly in the final days of her life. He goes to her and holds her hand and stares into his wife's eyes and asks her if there is anything at all he can do for her. His wife can barely speak and he...

A man left for work one Friday morning.

Instead of going home after work, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After a while she stopped nagging and said, “how would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

"It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself.

As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She appr...

Chuck Norris, Zelensky, and God all walk into a bar.

The Bartender looks up, "Were were just about to start a new drinking game I've been working on. I call out a bragging point, and each one willing to meet it, chugs their drink. The last man standing due to matching every post and surviving every drink, gets the pot. Everyone else has to split the t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to a brothel

A man goes to a brothel, which he often goes to. Unfortunately, he’s already had all the good looking ladies there, some even several times. So, he asks the man at the lobby, whether there is a woman, he has not had the pleasure with, whom he could have a really good night with.

The man says ...

What do you call a pig with three eyes?

Piiig

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Namaste

So my wife recently took up Yoga. I came home one evening to find her on her mat doing ~~Shavanna~~ ~~Shashimi~~ ~~Shavashashanana~~ the pose where you lie on your back with your eyes closed meditating or more likely snoring gently. I pulled down my shorts, knelt over her head and rested my testicle...

A little old man stuck his head into a barbershop and asked

**"How long before I can get a haircut?"**

**The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours from now." The old guy left.**

**A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"**

**The barber l...

Why do the KGB thugs always walk around in threes?

One can read, one can write, and the third keeps an eye on the two intellectuals.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a teenage boy keeps depositing one million dollar in his bank account every day

one day, Mrs. Mary the bank manager asks him to provide the source of all the money he's depositing

"I win it through gambling" he answers

"nobody can win that much money so consistently through gambling"

"wanna proof? how about we bet on 1000$ that...

A man had a rare birth defect where both his eyes were on the side of his head. Despite this he found love, but she soon dumped him.

When asked why she left him she said "he couldnt stop seeing other women on the side"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married couple was on holiday in a remote part of the Arab country side. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Arabian accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the couple walked in and the shopkeeper says to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They have special power. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the shopkeeper claimed, but he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An interview with an old man .

An 80 years old man had an interview with the local TV channel and they told him : old man can you tell us about a happy memory from your youth ?

Old man : one time my donkey got lost and all the village went out to search for and when we found it we were so happy we all fucked it .

J...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man complains to his wife his dick is numb and he’s freaking out…

[Dumb joke I just thought up.]

So he says “wrap your hand around my dick and I’ll see if I can feel it.”

She does so and he shakes his head. She tells him “honey, go to the doctor!”

The next day he thinks up another idea and asks her, “maybe if you put your mouth on my dick I ca...

My one-eyed, artist girlfriend left me.

Turned out I was not as deep as she first thought.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Prince Andrew, Manchester United, & The Black Eyed Peas all have in common?

It all went to shit when Fergie left.

A big, burly man visited his pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

"Madam,” he said in a broken voice "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father of the family is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pay...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pirate walks into a bar ...

... and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"Arrh – Not at ‘tall." the pirate replies, "I be fine." The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Arrh!," says the pirate, "We were in a battle ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I should have guessed getting eyes surgically attached to my asshole was a bad idea.

But hind sight is 20/20.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Polish guy goes into an Opticians for an eye test.

Optician holds up the card with CZWJNYSACZ and asks him can he read that?

The Pole says “Read it? I know the cunt”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,

"Dave! What's happening? Great to see yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar...

He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"

The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wifes eye site

A older man comes home from work,and he finds his wife standing in front of the mirror crying. He walks over and asks what's the matter hunny? THE WIFE SAYS. Can you find anything good about me. Look at me my hairs gray, my butt is sagging, my boobs are hanging down.. Is there anything left that's...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

A guy starts working at a bakery

He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the superv...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every time I get out of the shower and look into the mirror, I see an asshole.

Maybe I should have installed it at eye level

A Polish man goes to the optometrists for an eye test.

The optometrist had his eye chart on the wall with several lines of scrambled letters of various type size. The optometrist points to a line of medium size letters and says,"Can you read this line?" The Polish man says, "Read it! Hell yeah, I know the guy!"

A cross-eyed guy put a cross-eyed bird into a cage

He missed the cage and placed him outside, and the bird being cross-eye missed flying away and flew into the cage.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two snakes bump into each other after a long time

After intial pleasantries one snake confesses that he is struggling with his failing eyesight.

The other snake suggests an eye doctor who he is sure can help the other snake improve his eye sight. They exchange addresses and part ways.

After few weeks they bump into one another again.<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with severe headaches went to the doctor.

The doctor examined him and eventually said: “The good news is I can cure your headaches but the bad news is that you have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only solution is to remove the testi...

A guy walks into a New York bar and orders three beers.

The bartender brings him three beers and says, "You know, it's pretty slow right now. You don't need to order three beers at once. You can just order one and I'll keep an eye on you if you need another."

The guy responds, "Oh no, that's not it. You see I 've got two brothers. One lives in...

The US Marines, Delta Force and the Harris County Sheriff's Department are on one of those team building weekends out in the woods.

The US Marines, Delta Force and the Harris County Sheriff's Department are on one of those team building weekends out in the woods.

First night and the instructor says "Right guys. First night out in the woods! Your first test is to go catch your dinner. I want each team to go out and catch a...

A man wanted to literally die with his $$$, so he trusted a third of his money to a Priest, a third to a Doctor, and a third to his Lawyer to bury him with it when he died.

After his death, at the man’s funeral the priest whispered to his dead body and placed a bag in his coffin. The doctor then proceeded to whisper to the body and placed a bag in there as well. Then the lawyer went and dropped off a bag and moved on.

As they were carpooling back from the funer...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband leans over and asks his wife,,,

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it ...

An old joke from my childhood that is sadly relevant again.

**Bert and Ernie had worked together as radio hosts for twenty years.**

They traded jokes, played pop music and generally made people's lives a touch brighter as they trundled to work.

In one of the breaks they received a Fax. Ernie picked up the page and was in shock. Ernie silentl...

A calm, respected woman walks into a Pharmacy

As she walks in, she goes right up to the pharmacist, looks him straight into his eyes and said;

"I would like to buy some cyanide,"

The pharmacist asked her:

"why in the world do you need cyanide?"

She said:

"I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists...

One day the teacher is giving a lesson in class…

“There are three birds on a wire. If a hunter shoots one, how many are left?”
The teacher calls on little Johnny.
“None.” he says.
“No, but try again.” The teacher says
“None.” Johnny says again “Because if you shoot one, the rest will get scared and fly away.”
The teacher says “N...

A young man was showing of his new sportscar to his girlfriend she was thrilled at the speed.

"If i do 200 km/h, will you take all of your clothes off?"

The girlfriend felt adventurous, and said "yes, of course"

He brought the car up to the 200 km/h benchmark. However, he was unable to keep his eyes on the road and the car swerved, then flipped over. the Naked girl was thrown c...

Poor dog….

A man takes his rottweiler to the vet.
"Can you have a look at him” he says,
“I think he's cross-eyed"


So the vet picks up the dog
and examines him.
"I'm going to have to put him
down," says the vet.


"Why, just because he's cross eyed?"



"No, says ...

I went to a car dealership last week and saw a Lamborghini that really caught my eye. I'm just waiting for my paycheck now....

So I can pay for an Uber and go see it again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, an...

Ricardo was a young Italian man.

He lived in Milan. On his 16th birthday his father Antonio, in a rite of passage, gave him a hunting rifle that was a family heirloom. The rifle had been handmade by Antonio’s father who founded the Rolle Carabiner Company after World War II.

Ricardo cherished the rifle and he practiced with...

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any test...

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said..

"You know one would have been enough"

I looked longingly into my beloved's eyes and whispered, "A...E...I...O...U...and sometimes Y." The priest then turned to her and asked...

And has the bride prepared any wedding vowels?"

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the mat...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.