The 125+ Best Eye Jokes

What do you call a pig with three eyes?

Piiig

A lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said

"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady : "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed : "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!...

My girlfriend shouted at me, “You’re always acting like a detective. I want to split up!" Eyes growing wide, I replied...

"Great idea! We can cover more ground that way!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't normally see eye to eye with most Trump supporters, but if there's one thing we do agree on...

It's that the president of Puerto Rico is the dumbest son of a bitch to ever hold public office.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man tries to clean his fake eye by licking it, but accidentally swallows it. He goes to the doctor in utter constipation seeking help.

The doctor tells the patient to bend over and cough, and promptly faints.

When he comes to, the nurse asks him what happened. "|'ve looked at quite a few arseholes in my practice" said the doctor, "first time ever an arsehole looked back!".

If there's a bee in my hand, what's in my eye?

Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

ITT: People who want to kill me, people who think I am their dad, more puns about bees, puns about beer, "oh I get it", and "this joke is more like a riddle"

Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!

>!Everybody!<

Edit 1: Wow, this blew up. is this where you post your soundcloud?

Edit 2: My inbox is ruined, I should start charging reddit coins for formatting questions.

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Polish guy goes into an Opticians for an eye test.

Optician holds up the card with CZWJNYSACZ and asks him can he read that?

The Pole says “Read it? I know the cunt”.

Just met my friend on the street crying his eyes out so I asked him what was wrong

He said "Today is the 2nd of the 2nd 2022 and I just turned 22 so I went to the bookies and put €222 on the second horse in the second race of the day.. It was at 2.22!"

"That all sounds great" I said, "What went wrong"?

"He came second".

If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye?

Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

Why did the Grim Reaper schedule an appointment with his eye doctor?

He was having issues with his death perception.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Girls use chemicals to remove polish and, no one bats an eye

Hitler uses chemicals to remove Polish, and everyone loses their mind

Edit: NSFW was requested

Edit: yes, this is a repost. Sharing the laughs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Easter Sunday, a man goes to church and returns home with two black eyes.

His wife inquires as to how he got the black eyes.

The man goes on to say, “a lady stood up in front of me during mass, I saw her dress was stuck in the butt crack, so I reached out and tugged it out. She whirled around, became furious, and punched me in the eye.”

“That explains one bl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mohammad Atta opens his eyes a second after flying his plane into the WTC

He finds himself inside a chamber, filled with a large group of angry men wearing wigs and weird costumes.

“Who, who are you?” He asked in great confusion.

A tall man strode forward and smacked his hand across his face with a vicious back hand. “I’m George Washington. This here are my...

I have the eye of a tiger, the heart of a lion...

... and a lifetime ban from the New York Zoo.

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said

Y'know, one would have been enough.

I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes...

But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle

"Your eyes look red." said the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?"

"Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"

I dated a girl with a lazy eye once.

It turns out she was seeing someone else on the side.

My girlfriend poked me in the eyes...

So unfortunately I stopped seeing her for a while.

I asked my kid for a phone book. They rolled their eyes and said "OK boomer, we don't use those anymore" and handed me their phone.

Now their phone is smashed and they are furious, but I got that spider!

As my daughter was walking out the door to go on her first date, in my best grumpy old tough guy dad voice, I growled, "I want her home before midnight." The boy she was going with stopped dead in his tracks, turned slowly around and with wide eyes replied....

"But you already own her home!"

What’s yellow and hurts if you get it in you eye?

A bulldozer

You know what has 8 legs 8 hands and 8 eyes?

8 Pirates

When I see a girl, I first look at her hair. Then at her eyes, lips, neck...

Damn dial-up!

As the patient recovers from laser eye surgery, the surgeon comes in asks if they want the good news or the bad news first......

The patient excitedly replies, “I’ll take the good news first.”

The surgeon tells them, “Well, you’re about to get a new dog!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Girls use chemicals to remove polish and no one bats an eye

But when hitler does it everyone loses their mind

As I was going under for my eye surgery, I heard my doctor say, "It's just a simple eye surgery. Don't worry. You got this, Jeff."

I just barely managed to say, "I'm David, not Jeff."

He said, "I know. I'm Jeff."

The old man in his deathbed looks his wife in the eye:

"Honey, please be honest with me. I'm not long for this world, and something has really been eating at me for a while.
I've always found our 6th son a bit weird...different, if you may. He has a different father from the other ones, hasn't he?"
The wife, in tears and sobbing uncontrollably, as...

Apple have come up with a new revolutionary eye patch for pirates.

It's called the iEye patch.

(I'm sorry)

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce....

We didn't see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.

"IT'S A BOY!! IT'S A BOY!!" he cried with teary eyes. At that very moment he vowed...

.. to never visit Thailand again!

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is her eyes.

Women say the first thing they notice about men is that they're a bunch of liars.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys at the airport each with black eyes

Notice each other.
First Guy: Hey, how did you get that black eye?

Second Guy: Funny story, I meant to ask the woman at the counter for 2 tickets to Pittsburgh, but a slip of the tongue and I said 2 pickets to tittsburgh and she socked me one! How about you?

First Guy: Same thing, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date,

chances are... you have small boobs.

Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea"

Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"

I looked her square in the eyes and said, "Squirting isn't real, right? It's just urine, right?"

"I meant any questions about the *job.*" the interviewer sighed.

What's the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.

Chick Peas can hummus one.

I saw a little boy at the bus stop eating a giant chocolate Easter bunny. I said, "Hey kid, eating that much chocolate at one time is bad for you." He looked me in the eye and said, "Well, my grandpa lived to 103."

"Oh, really? Did *he* eat a lot of chocolate?"

"No, he minded his own damn business."

**Edit:** Credit where due -- [/u/samvet21 informs me](/r/Jokes/comments/8cnjvk/i_saw_a_little_boy_at_the_bus_stop_eating_a_giant/dxhf9ku/) that the original joke was by Philadelphia comedian [Todd Gl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Serve alcohol at a party, nobody bats an eye

Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit

There has been much said and sung about the "Eye Of The Tiger", but how come no one ever talks about the other four letters?

The Tea of the Tiger was quite a refreshing and pleasant event!

What has 6 eyes, 16 tentacles and quacks like a duck?

I don't know either but it's in my kitchen please help.

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. “Jesus is watching you.”

The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. “Jesus is watching you.” Quite confused, the thief searches the house and ...

I was at a restaurant when I noticed my waitress had a black eye...

So I ordered really slowly, because she obviously doesn't listen well.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a black eye takes his seat on the plane, when he notices that the man next to him also has a black eye....

"How did you get yours?" He asked

"A Freudian slip at the ticket gate," he replies "the girl selling the tickets was beautiful busty blonde. When I meant to ask for a ticket to Pittsburg, I accidentally asked for a picket to Tits-burg and she clocked be right in the eye. How about you? How'd ...

"It's a boy", David shouted, "It's a BOY!" With tears rolling down his eyes, David came running out of the room.

And never visited Bangkok again.

You’ll never believe who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!

Everybody.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I never used to think I was very sexy. I always hated my eyes, ears and nose.

Then one day, I came to my senses.

What do you call a spider with 20 eyes?

Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiider

A man comes home from church with two black eyes.

His wife takes one look at him and exclaims, "how in the world did you get two black eyes at church!?"

"Well" the man answers, "When we stood up to pray, i noticed that the woman in front of me had the back of her dress tucked in to her pantyhoes. I didn't want to embarrass her by telling he...

A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up

A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up.

The Doctor shows the letters on the board:
CZWXNQSTAZKY

Doctor: Can you read this ?

Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.

What did the left eye say to the right eye?

"Between you and me, something smells."

A guy walks into the bar and looks the bartender in the eye and says "I need 10 shots"

The bartender lays them out and the man takes all 10 shots back to back.

In shock the bartender says, "I've never seen anyone drink like that before."

The man replies, "You'd drink like that too if you had what I had."

Sounding concerned, the bartender asks "Oh I'm sorry to hea...

I went to the doctor because every time I open my eyes, I barf everywhere.

He looked me over and said it was the WORST case of SEE SICKNESS he'd ever encountered

^(made that up just now... I'm so sorry everyone)

Just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.

He said he’ll be fine, he’s just going through a rough patch.

Jesus walks into a bar and says "who will buy me a beer" the guy with the 1 eye walks over and buys him a beer..Jesus raises his hand and touches the guys eye healing it instantly! he then asks for another beer..an old veteran paralyzed from the chest down rolls over to him and says

Ill buy your next beer Jesus..once again Jesus raises his hand to heal the veteran and the veteran screams
"NO JESUS DON'T!!!! IM ON THE DISABILITY BENEFIT!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As I looked into her eyes across the candlelit table, I felt my knees go weak, my heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies...

That's when I realized I drugged the wrong glass!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pirate with an eye patch, a peg leg, and a hook walks into a bar.

The bartender notices him, and decides to ask about his injuries.

"So..." he starts off, "How'd you get that peg leg?"

"A shark bit off me leg."

"And the hook?"

"An enemy pirate cut off me hand."

The bartender gasps, fascinated by the pirate's stories.

"Wha...

I have 3 eyes, 6 heads and 15 limbs, what am I?

A liar.

The Black Eyed Peas were originally just called The Peas

Until they collaborated with Chris Brown

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye-deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no sex organs?

No fucking eye-deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no sex organs, and no legs?

Still, no fucking eye-deer.

What kind of eel hits your eye like a big pizza pie?

That's a Moray.

Glass eye joke

A joke from my granddad. Maybe his favorite. "A man goes to the bank to ask for a loan. He presents his case to the banker. The banker turns him down. The man ask 'Do you mind if I ask if you wear a glass right eye? The banker replies 'Yes. What made you ask that?' The man replied 'I thou...

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll bet you 100 dollars I can bite my left eye.”

The bartender doesn’t think he can bite his own eye so he bets him 100 dollars. The man takes out his glass eye and bites it. The bartender ends up giving him 100 dollars. The man comes back a few minutes later and says “I’ll let you get your money back. I’ll bet you 300 dollars I can’t bite my righ...

For school, I had to write a report about how the human eye works

So I asked my dad if he knew any facts about the human eye. After a moment of thought, he responded:

"The human auditory range is 20 to 20,000 Hz".

Confused, I asked: "What does that have to do with the eye, dad?"

"Nothing," he replied. "It's ear-relevant."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you guys hear about the kid born with no eye lids?

They made him some out of his foreskin. he came out a little cock eyed but other than that he’s fine

I just got dumped by my cross-eyed girlfriend

She said she wasn’t looking forward to see me.

An eye for an eye will make the whole world blind ...

... but it will allow ugly people to get laid.

Peter is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye

It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought..

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 ...

A man visited his doctor, concerned about experiencing eye pain every time he indulged in a cup of coffee

"Doctor, every time I have my morning coffee, my right eye hurts. Is that supposed to happen?"

The doctor responded, "Well, it's certainly not a common side effect. But don't worry, you can still enjoy your coffee. Just remember to remove the spoon before taking a sip.”

A mp3 hits your ears a mp4 hits your eyes

An mp5 hits your vital organs.

I just had laser eye surgery…

It was an eye opening experience.

Why did the cross eyed teacher quit her job?

Because she couldn't control her pupils.

What is a glass eye made of?

A caller on a radio quiz show is asked the first question: “What is a glass eye made of?”

“A glass eye?” she says. “Oh… I never really thought about that. I don’t know!”

The host tries to help her a little: “What do you *think* a *GLASS* eye may be made of?”

“I really have no i...

A man is walking through the park when he spots an elderly man crying his eyes out on a park bench...

Feeling empathic, he sits down beside the man, and tries to initiate conversation.

"Troubles with the wife?..." he asks gently
"W-Wife? No not at all, I have an amazing wife at home, she's a beautiful person, we've been married for fifty years, she's an amazing cook too!"
"Oh,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Greg got a black eye

One day Greg arrives at work with a black eye. His co-worker Mike says, "What the hell happened to you, man?

- My wife hit me, said Greg.
- What do you mean she hit you?
- Well yes, the other day I see her bending over the freezer with her little ass waddling in her tight skirt. It was...

A furious lady marches into the eye clinic's reception area and shouts at the receptionist, "Who stole my wig during my eye surgery yesterday?"

The doctor immediately rushes out to pacify her. "I assure you, no one on my team would do such a thing. What makes you think it was stolen?"

The woman replies, "Well, before the procedure, my wig was perfect, but when I woke up, it was a tangled mess, and made me look ugly and cheap."
<...

I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a customer with her barcode reader for being rude.

The look on his face was priceless.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wood Eye

Little Johnny had a tragic accident and lost his right eye. His parents were poor and couldn’t afford a replacement so Johnnys father crafted a wooden eye to put in the empty socket.

Johnny was very self conscious and in turn was very shy, especially around girls. His parents encouraged him ...

As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know there’s no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued...

"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"

Why'd the gun go to the eye doctor?

*It had glock-oma . . .*

A joke for my cake day: My wife beamed at me with tear in her eye & said, "Wow, I never thought our son would go that far!"

I said “I honestly didn’t neither. This trebuchet is amazing!”

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train".

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting". "No, honey, not with that blond...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If this doesn't bring a tear to your eyes you must have a heart made of stone.

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, in...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was drinking in the bar last week and 2 twins were giving me “the eye”

I bought them each a few drinks and convinced them to come back to my house. I was having a hard time remembering who was who and didn’t want to call them by the wrong name. Then I figured out how to tell them apart. Sherry was the one with the Dolphin tattoo and Terry was the one with the penis.

I can cut wood using just my eyes

It is true, I saw it with my own eyes

There was a cross-eyed teacher who got fired

Because she couldnt control her pupils.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed circumciser?

He got the sack!!!!

I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes

But thats Heinz sight.

I just came back from the eye doctor, he says I have kindergarden disease.

I asked her what that meant, she said that means I have really small pupils.

I have a girlfriend with a lazy eye. She's the best.

Whenever I make a mistake she always looks the other way.

A man goes to the Optician for his eye test.

The Optician asked him what he can see.
"I see empty airports, empty football grounds, closed theaters and closed pubs."
That's perfect says the Optician, you've got 2020 vision!

Every time I’m having a microwave meal, I turn on the movie “The Golden Eye”.

The instructions say —Pierce film before cooking.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a child born missing an eye...

At birth the doctors decided it best to give the child a wooden eye until the family could afford to get the baby a nice glass eye.

Sadly the family could never afford it. And the boy was bullied a lot in school over it and eventually was taken out and home schooled. Everywhere he went he had...

After an Eye Surgery

Doctor: The Surgery was a complete Success

The Patient: I see.

Once there was a young man with a wooden eye.

Now, he's very self conscious of his eye. Every year, the annual village dance comes around, and every year, he stands off to the side, feeling sorry for himself.

This year was no different. As he's standing there, all melancholy, he spots a young lady with a wooden leg. She too is standing ...

What's an Oracle with only one eye?

A Monocle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was told that masturbating too much can make me blind (thanks, mom). Then later I overheard that carrots are really good for the eyes.

So now everytime I masturbate I put a carrot up my ass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.

The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's a nerve that runs from your eyes to your anus called the eyenus nerve

If you pluck a hair from your ass you shed a tear.

What’s red, white and blue, and brings tears to the eyes of many?

A bluejay in a blender.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife was in the height of labour. Screaming in agony as I mopped her brow. She turned to me and grabbed my hand. Her face scrunched up and staring deep into my eyes, she let out a hiss and shouted, "THIS IS ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT!!"

I smiled and calmly replied, "Well if you remember rightly, I wanted to do you up the arse but you said it'd be too painful"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) People are starting to inject Viagra into their eyes.

It doesn't do much for their dick, but it makes them look fucking hard.

I once dated a cross-eyed girl...

It didn't work out, we never saw eye to eye!

Have you heard about the joke about the inner eye?

It’s aqueous humor.

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder

Which is why I’m so self conscious around bee keepers

This high school guys was born without one of his eyes.

He was given a wooden eye as a prosthetic. His whole life he has been self concious about his wooden eye.

Eventually senior prom rolls around and he want to take someone out.

He sees a girls with a hair-lip. Thinking that she may also be self concious about her malformity, he thinks h...

My Cross-Eyed G/F

I broke up with my cross-eyes girl friend the other day because we couldn’t see eye-to-eye

Then I found out she was seeing other people on the side.

My eyes light up when I hear a joke about water.

They love aqueous humour.

Watching my wedding video in reverse brought tears to my eyes

I took off her wedding ring, returned her to her dad, and moonwalked my way out of the church.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you avoid a sharp pain in your eye while drinking chocolate milk?

Take the spoon out of the glass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do women close their eyes during sex?

Because they can't stand seeing their man have a good time!

My local priest said I was the most handsome boy he had ever laid eyes on

I was touched

I asked my son, "If there’s a bee in my hand, what’s in my eye?!" Exasperated, he replied, "I don't know, what?"

"Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder!"

What do you call a one night stand between two eye doctors?

An optome-tryst.

I was dating this girl, who is crossed eyed. We eventually broke up because we didn’t see eye to eye. But between you and me, I think she was seeing someone on the side.

This legit came out of my VP’s mouth while at work. haha

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blind guy walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog. . .

The bartender begins to greet him, but is shocked to see the man grab the dog by the tail, and swing it around his head.

"What the fuck are you *doing?!*" the barman cries. The blind man shrugs.
"Just having a look around."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This guy got into a bad accident and ended up losing an arm, his eye and his penis.

He wakes up a few weeks later and is greeted by a strange looking doctor. The doctor explains what happened and tells him he performed an experimental surgery to insure some quality of life following the accident.

The doctor goes on to explain that he gave him a gorilla arm, that was the clos...

I asked my girlfriend if I could make her mine. "Yes! Oh, yes!" she shouted, eyes filled with tears. "Great!" I said.

"Now take this pick and go find me some gold!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pirate walked into a bar

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said : 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while.

What happened? You look terrible.'

'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

Bartender: 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'

Pirate: 'Well, we were in a...

Why was the Sunday School teacher respected by every eye doctor he met?

Because his pupils die late.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a cross-eyed cowboy and a constipated owl?

One can shoot, but can't hit

The other can hoot, but can't shit!

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.