Eye Jokes - 128 Hilarious Eye Jokes

Why did the Grim Reaper schedule an appointment with his eye doctor?

He was having issues with his death perception.

What do you call a fish without an eye?

Fsh.

What do you call a pig with three eyes?

Piiig

My girlfriend poked me in the eyes...

So unfortunately I stopped seeing her for a while.

I dated a girl with a lazy eye once.

It turns out she was seeing someone else on the side.

"Your eyes look red." said the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?"

"Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"

As I was going under for my eye surgery, I heard my doctor say, "It's just a simple eye surgery. Don't worry. You got this, Jeff."

I just barely managed to say, "I'm David, not Jeff."

He said, "I know. I'm Jeff."

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When a women removes polish with chemicals,no one bats an eye.

But when Hitler removes the Polish with chemicals, everyone loses their shit.

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A pirate with an eye patch, a peg leg, and a hook walks into a bar.

The bartender notices him, and decides to ask about his injuries.

"So..." he starts off, "How'd you get that peg leg?"

"A shark bit off me leg."

"And the hook?"

"An enemy pirate cut off me hand."

The bartender gasps, fascinated by the pirate's stories.

"Wha...

I have the eye of a tiger, the heart of a lion,

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

An eye for an eye will make the whole world blind ...

... but it will allow ugly people to get laid.

A lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said

"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady : "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed : "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!...

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Polish guy goes into an Opticians for an eye test.

Optician holds up the card with CZWJNYSACZ and asks him can he read that?

The Pole says “Read it? I know the cunt”.

What's an Oracle with only one eye?

A Monocle.

Just met my friend on the street crying his eyes out so I asked him what was wrong

He said "Today is the 2nd of the 2nd 2022 and I just turned 22 so I went to the bookies and put €222 on the second horse in the second race of the day.. It was at 2.22!"

"That all sounds great" I said, "What went wrong"?

"He came second".

My girlfriend shouted at me, “You’re always acting like a detective. I want to split up!" Eyes growing wide, I replied...

"Great idea! We can cover more ground that way!"

If there's a bee in my hand, what's in my eye?

Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

ITT: People who want to kill me, people who think I am their dad, more puns about bees, puns about beer, "oh I get it", and "this joke is more like a riddle"

Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!

>!Everybody!<

Edit 1: Wow, this blew up. is this where you post your soundcloud?

Edit 2: My inbox is ruined, I should start charging reddit coins for formatting questions.

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Girls use chemicals to remove polish and, no one bats an eye

Hitler uses chemicals to remove Polish, and everyone loses their mind

Edit: NSFW was requested

Edit: yes, this is a repost. Sharing the laughs.

You know what has 8 legs 8 hands and 8 eyes?

8 Pirates

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This guy got into a bad accident and ended up losing an arm, his eye and his penis.

He wakes up a few weeks later and is greeted by a strange looking doctor. The doctor explains what happened and tells him he performed an experimental surgery to insure some quality of life following the accident.

The doctor goes on to explain that he gave him a gorilla arm, that was the clos...

What’s yellow and hurts if you get it in you eye?

A bulldozer

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I don't normally see eye to eye with most Trump supporters, but if there's one thing we do agree on...

It's that the president of Puerto Rico is the dumbest son of a bitch to ever hold public office.

If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye?

Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

What did the left eye say to the right eye?

"Between you and me, something smells."

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Mohammad Atta opens his eyes a second after flying his plane into the WTC

He finds himself inside a chamber, filled with a large group of angry men wearing wigs and weird costumes.

“Who, who are you?” He asked in great confusion.

A tall man strode forward and smacked his hand across his face with a vicious back hand. “I’m George Washington. This here are my...

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One Easter Sunday, a man goes to church and returns home with two black eyes.

His wife inquires as to how he got the black eyes.

The man goes on to say, “a lady stood up in front of me during mass, I saw her dress was stuck in the butt crack, so I reached out and tugged it out. She whirled around, became furious, and punched me in the eye.”

“That explains one bl...

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Two guys at the airport each with black eyes

Notice each other.
First Guy: Hey, how did you get that black eye?

Second Guy: Funny story, I meant to ask the woman at the counter for 2 tickets to Pittsburgh, but a slip of the tongue and I said 2 pickets to tittsburgh and she socked me one! How about you?

First Guy: Same thing, ...

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce....

We didn't see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.

I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes...

But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle

The old man in his deathbed looks his wife in the eye:

"Honey, please be honest with me. I'm not long for this world, and something has really been eating at me for a while.
I've always found our 6th son a bit weird...different, if you may. He has a different father from the other ones, hasn't he?"
The wife, in tears and sobbing uncontrollably, as...

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As an experiment, I combined some Viagra with penis enlarging pills and dissolved them in some eye drops.

It made me take a long, hard look at myself.

Apple have come up with a new revolutionary eye patch for pirates.

It's called the iEye patch.

(I'm sorry)

Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea"

Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"

I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said

Y'know, one would have been enough.

What's the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.

Chick Peas can hummus one.

When I see a girl, I first look at her hair. Then at her eyes, lips, neck...

Damn dial-up!

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If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date,

chances are... you have small boobs.

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A man with a black eye takes his seat on the plane, when he notices that the man next to him also has a black eye....

"How did you get yours?" He asked

"A Freudian slip at the ticket gate," he replies "the girl selling the tickets was beautiful busty blonde. When I meant to ask for a ticket to Pittsburg, I accidentally asked for a picket to Tits-burg and she clocked be right in the eye. How about you? How'd ...

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Serve alcohol at a party, nobody bats an eye

Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit

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A man tries to clean his fake eye by licking it, but accidentally swallows it. He goes to the doctor in utter constipation seeking help.

The doctor tells the patient to bend over and cough, and promptly faints.

When he comes to, the nurse asks him what happened. "|'ve looked at quite a few arseholes in my practice" said the doctor, "first time ever an arsehole looked back!".

What has 6 eyes, 16 tentacles and quacks like a duck?

I don't know either but it's in my kitchen please help.

What do you call a spider with 20 eyes?

Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiider

I looked her square in the eyes and said, "Squirting isn't real, right? It's just urine, right?"

"I meant any questions about the *job.*" the interviewer sighed.

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The Three Stooges are spending the night in a haunted house... and get up to their usual eye-poking, nyuk-nyuking, slapstick shenanigans. In the middle of the pie fight, a poltergeist appears. Curly throws a cream pie and it turns around in midair and smacks him right in the face!

He turns to Moe and says, "Hey, I think that ghost must have been from Australia."
"Oh yeah, why?"
"Because it just threw a Boo-Meringue at me!"

"IT'S A BOY!! IT'S A BOY!!" he cried with teary eyes. At that very moment he vowed...

.. to never visit Thailand again!

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Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.

Glass eye joke

A joke from my granddad. Maybe his favorite. "A man goes to the bank to ask for a loan. He presents his case to the banker. The banker turns him down. The man ask 'Do you mind if I ask if you wear a glass right eye? The banker replies 'Yes. What made you ask that?' The man replied 'I thou...

The scientific term for lazy eye is atchaphoria.

One eye is looking atcha and the other is looking phoria.

Cotton Eye Joe

I found a massive spider in my house the other day. I named him “Cotton Eye Joe” because I want to know two things:

Where did he come from?

And where did he go?

I accidentally overcooked my rib eye

Don't worry, we all make mis-steaks!

A man comes home from church with two black eyes.

His wife takes one look at him and exclaims, "how in the world did you get two black eyes at church!?"

"Well" the man answers, "When we stood up to pray, i noticed that the woman in front of me had the back of her dress tucked in to her pantyhoes. I didn't want to embarrass her by telling he...

I was at a restaurant when I noticed my waitress had a black eye...

So I ordered really slowly, because she obviously doesn't listen well.

A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up

A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up.

The Doctor shows the letters on the board:
CZWXNQSTAZKY

Doctor: Can you read this ?

Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.

As the patient recovers from laser eye surgery, the surgeon comes in asks if they want the good news or the bad news first......

The patient excitedly replies, “I’ll take the good news first.”

The surgeon tells them, “Well, you’re about to get a new dog!”

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A guy walks into a brothel

John: I've been coming here for a while and it's becoming a bit routine. Have you got something different to try?

Madame: Well we do have a girl with a glass eye...she takes it out a let's you fuck her in the eye socket

John: OMG that's crazy, I'll have to give it a try

15 mi...

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What do you get if someone cums in your eye?

A stigmajism.

Or (thanks to WasteChard3488):

A jizmatism.

I asked my kid for a phone book. They rolled their eyes and said "OK boomer, we don't use those anymore" and handed me their phone.

Now their phone is smashed and they are furious, but I got that spider!

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is her eyes.

Women say the first thing they notice about men is that they're a bunch of liars.

You’ll never believe who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!

Everybody.

The other day my girlfriend approached me and said "I'm sick of you always pretending to be a private eye, we should split up."

I said "Good idea, we can cover more ground."

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The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to...

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If a man knows a womens eye colour after the first date

She has small boobs.

Say: Eye

Spell: map

Say: ness

Just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.

He said he’ll be fine, he’s just going through a rough patch.

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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye-deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no sex organs?

No fucking eye-deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no sex organs, and no legs?

Still, no fucking eye-deer.

I have pretty bad eye floaters, but the doctor said they're innocuous.

Personally, I just don't think he sees the problem.

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bi...

I have 3 eyes, 6 heads and 15 limbs, what am I?

A liar.

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Wood Eye

Little Johnny had a tragic accident and lost his right eye. His parents were poor and couldn’t afford a replacement so Johnnys father crafted a wooden eye to put in the empty socket.

Johnny was very self conscious and in turn was very shy, especially around girls. His parents encouraged him ...

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A blind man with a seeing eye dog crosses a busy street.

The dog leads him across the street with complete disregard for the traffic. Several cars barely miss the blind man, and drivers are honking their horns at the man. The blind man finally gets to the other side of the street and a man comes up to him and exclaims,

"That's the worst seei...

What kind of eel hits your eye like a big pizza pie?

That's a Moray.

The Black Eyed Peas were originally just called The Peas

Until they collaborated with Chris Brown

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'...

Ever heard of the third eye pressure point?

Its a spot between the eyebrows that can help alleviate stress and tension. Explains why talking to certain people makes me wanna bang my forehead against a wall.

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Greg got a black eye

One day Greg arrives at work with a black eye. His co-worker Mike says, "What the hell happened to you, man?

- My wife hit me, said Greg.
- What do you mean she hit you?
- Well yes, the other day I see her bending over the freezer with her little ass waddling in her tight skirt. It was...

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A man was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news.

The good news is that you are going to be OK.

The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to r...

My pirate friend's marriage is failing, his wife and him don't see eye-to-eye

But, I'm hoping they can patch it up...

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Did you know the human eye has a giant blindspot?

It's the Sun holy shit I can't see anything

A man wakes up handcuffed to a bed in the hospital with his eye swollen shut and a terrible headache.

After several minutes of confusion a police officer comes into the room.

What happened officer? Last thing I remember was trying to order a beer at the-

When the officer interrupts him: wait a minute? What Kind of beer did you order?

The man sits there flashing back to the mom...

I went to the doctor because every time I open my eyes, I barf everywhere.

He looked me over and said it was the WORST case of SEE SICKNESS he'd ever encountered

^(made that up just now... I'm so sorry everyone)

An English man, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer

The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sì"
"Ja"

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I never used to think I was very sexy. I always hated my eyes, ears and nose.

Then one day, I came to my senses.

I just got dumped by my cross-eyed girlfriend

She said she wasn’t looking forward to see me.

A furious lady marches into the eye clinic's reception area and shouts at the receptionist, "Who stole my wig during my eye surgery yesterday?"

The doctor immediately rushes out to pacify her. "I assure you, no one on my team would do such a thing. What makes you think it was stolen?"

The woman replies, "Well, before the procedure, my wig was perfect, but when I woke up, it was a tangled mess, and made me look ugly and cheap."
<...

A guy walks into the bar and looks the bartender in the eye and says "I need 10 shots"

The bartender lays them out and the man takes all 10 shots back to back.

In shock the bartender says, "I've never seen anyone drink like that before."

The man replies, "You'd drink like that too if you had what I had."

Sounding concerned, the bartender asks "Oh I'm sorry to hea...

After years of saving Saul finally had enough money to get his eye transplant in China

His wife was opposed to the idea on moral grounds. His brother was worried he might lose what little sight he had now. His friends were worried that what he was doing wasn't entirely legal.

He dismissed them all one by one and finally bought his ticket and set off with grim determination. <...

I just had laser eye surgery…

It was an eye opening experience.

Never argue with someone on The London Eye...

...You'll just end up going round in circles.

Why did the cross eyed teacher quit her job?

Because she couldn't control her pupils.

"It's a boy", David shouted, "It's a BOY!" With tears rolling down his eyes, David came running out of the room.

And never visited Bangkok again.

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If your eyes hurt after drinking coffee

Then take the spoon out of the cup dickhead

A mp3 hits your ears a mp4 hits your eyes

An mp5 hits your vital organs.

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What did the Asian man say to his wife when the hospital nursery tried to send them home with a blonde hair, blue-eye baby?

Hmmm... two Wongs don't make a white.

Star Fish have an eye on the end of each leg

meaning all their treats are eye-candy

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

After an Eye Surgery

Doctor: The Surgery was a complete Success

The Patient: I see.

What is a glass eye made of?

A caller on a radio quiz show is asked the first question: “What is a glass eye made of?”

“A glass eye?” she says. “Oh… I never really thought about that. I don’t know!”

The host tries to help her a little: “What do you *think* a *GLASS* eye may be made of?”

“I really have no i...

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A Polish guy goes for eye test.

Doctor points towards the last line on Eye Test Chart,

S I S Z T R Z T O W S K I

Doctor, "Can you read that?"

Polish guy, " Read that? I fucking know that guy!!!"

A Chinese man goes to an eye doctor

A Chinese man goes to an eye doctor. The eye doctor says "I know what the problem is, you have a cacatract". The chinese man says "no, I have a rincon continental"

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As I looked into her eyes...

...across the candlelit table, I felt my knees go weak.
My heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies...

That's when I realised that I'd drugged the wrong glass.

I can cut wood using just my eyes

It is true, I saw it with my own eyes

I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes

But thats Heinz sight.

Eye

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said "Look at that dog with one eye! "
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes, "Where? "

Three grizzled veterans eyed the new recruit with contempt

“Son, I served multiple tours as a Marine in Afghanistan and killed 40 men!”

“That’s nothing! My hummer hit an IED, and I still have pieces of it in my leg!”

The third smiled and simply said “I was a member of SEAL team six.”

“What have you, in your eighteen years accomplish tha...

I'm bad at reading social cues, can't make eye contact, am really good at drawing, and don't pick up on sarcasm...

I think I might be artistic.

What's easy on the eyes?

Dim light

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Man loses his eye in a construction accident

He can't afford a good prostetic eye so the dr.s give him a woodden one and he gets real insequre about it. One day he gets the courage to go with his friends to a bar to meet a woman. His buddy spots a beautiful woman except her lips are verticle. He turns to wood eye willy and says hey she's a lit...

Why'd the gun go to the eye doctor?

*It had glock-oma . . .*

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There once was a child born missing an eye...

At birth the doctors decided it best to give the child a wooden eye until the family could afford to get the baby a nice glass eye.

Sadly the family could never afford it. And the boy was bullied a lot in school over it and eventually was taken out and home schooled. Everywhere he went he had...

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My favorite joke I’ve ever read on Reddit, one of the first I’ve ever read here too: Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave ...

Guy races into a bar looking very flustered and says to the bartender "Quick, give me a shot of your finest Scotch before the trouble starts"

The guy downs the scotch in a single gulp and glancing nervously towards the doors says **"Quick, give me another shot of you finest Scotch before the trouble starts"**

The guy downs that Scotch too and says, ***"Quick, another shot before the trouble starts".*** The barman pauses and says **...

There has been much said and sung about the "Eye Of The Tiger", but how come no one ever talks about the other four letters?

The Tea of the Tiger was quite a refreshing and pleasant event!

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A pirate walks into a bar ...

... and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"Arrh – Not at ‘tall." the pirate replies, "I be fine." The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Arrh!," says the pirate, "We were in a battle ...

Does your left eye hurt ?

Because you’ve been lookin right all day !

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Did you guys hear about the kid born with no eye lids?

They made him some out of his foreskin. he came out a little cock eyed but other than that he’s fine

What do you call a chef with one eye?

Chief

Seeing eye dogs.

A man with a German Shepherd goes into a pub and sits down at the bar. The bartender says "Sorry, you can't bring that dog in here." The man replies "But this is a seeing eye dog!" The bartender then says "Well, okay then, I guess it can stay".

After a while, the man and the German Shepherd ...

My Cross-Eyed G/F

I broke up with my cross-eyes girl friend the other day because we couldn’t see eye-to-eye

Then I found out she was seeing other people on the side.

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One Eyed Redhead.

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively...

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A gambler gets a notice from the IRS that he’s being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the agent looks over his paperwork and says:

“The reason for your audit is that you live such a lavish lifestyle, yet not much income to justify it. Can you tell me what you do for a living...

A man goes to the Optician for his eye test.

The Optician asked him what he can see.
"I see empty airports, empty football grounds, closed theaters and closed pubs."
That's perfect says the Optician, you've got 2020 vision!

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A pirate walked into a bar.

He had a wooden leg, an eye patch and a hook for a hand. The bartender was curious. "How did you get that wooden leg?" he asked.

The pirate took a swig of ale. "'Twas a terrible sea battle. I stood bravely, directly facing 12 cannons.All they managed to hit was my leg."

The bartender s...

For school, I had to write a report about how the human eye works

So I asked my dad if he knew any facts about the human eye. After a moment of thought, he responded:

"The human auditory range is 20 to 20,000 Hz".

Confused, I asked: "What does that have to do with the eye, dad?"

"Nothing," he replied. "It's ear-relevant."

I once dated a cross-eyed girl...

It didn't work out, we never saw eye to eye!

Did you hear about the cross-eyed circumciser?

He got the sack!!!!

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train".

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting". "No, honey, not with that blond...

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