I dated a girl with a lazy eye once.

Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.

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There once was a child born missing an eye...

At birth the doctors decided it best to give the child a wooden eye until the family could afford to get the baby a nice glass eye.

Sadly the family could never afford it. And the boy was bullied a lot in school over it and eventually was taken out and home schooled. Everywhere he went he had...

As the patient recovers from laser eye surgery, the surgeon comes in asks if they want the good news or the bad news first.

The patient excitedly replies, “I’ll take the good news first.”

The surgeon tells them, “Well, you’re about to get a new dog!”

A little dwarf is sitting in a bar. He stares at his beer with a sad look in his eyes.

A strong guy appears, punches the dwarfs shoulder and drinks his beer. The dwarf starts crying.

The guy: "Come on, you wimp. A real man does not cry because of a beer."

The dwarf: "Listen. My wife left me today and my bank account was robbed. After that I lost my job. I didn't want to ...

Is it a crime to put sodium chloride in your enemy's eyes?

"Is it a crime to put sodium chloride in your enemy's eyes?"

"Yes, that's assault."

"I know it's a salt but is it a crime?"

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsh

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said

Y’know, one would have been enough.

What is something with 8 eyes, 8 legs, and 8 hands?

8 pirates

My little brother told me this joke and I am so proud of him.

Edit: Look, I don't want to be one of those redditors who say 'thank's for the gold kind stranger' every time they get awarded, but after seeing this post rise I get it why they do that. For me, whose posts never g...

You know why women's eyes are so noticeable these days?

It's the mask era.

What’s yellow and hurts when it gets in your eye?

A bulldozer.

A guy with a black eye walks into a bar.

The barman, after serving him, asks "how did ya get the black eye?" He says "I was in church last Sunday and the lady in front of me had her dress stuck in the crack of her bum. So I thought I'd do the christian thing, reached forward and grabbed the hem of her dress and plucked it out. She turned a...

I used to date a cross-eyed girl.

I stopped when I found out she was seeing someone on the side.

What do you call a bear with four arms, four legs, and four sets of eyes?

An Octobear.

What did the left eye say to the right eye?

Between you and me, something smells.

A blonde woman showed up to her doctor’s office looking disheveled and with bags under her eyes

The doctor told her that she looked exhausted.

The blonde woman replied, “I am. Ever since your nurse told me yesterday that I had to come in for a Blood test I have been studying non-stop”

I have the eye of a tiger, the heart of a lion,

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

I tried looking at life through the eyes of a child ...

... but then the child wanted his eyes back.

I thoight I saw an eye doctor when I was in Alaska

But it turned out to be an Optical Aleutian

Romie couldn’t take his eyes off of Julie

and so one day he plucked up the courage to ask her out on a date. He told her to meet him at the new fancy Italian restaurant at 7pm.

Romie got their early and Julie arrived at bang on 7pm as agreed. They both walk in to the restaurant and the waiter takes them to a romantic table alone in ...

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Medusa must have some really sexy eyes

I mean they get everyone rock hard

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

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A farmer buys a young cock

As soon as he gets home it fucks all of his 150 hens.
The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens.

Next day it's fucking the ducks and the geese too. Sadly, later in the day the farmer finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling over its hea...

You guys hear about the insecure cross-eyed teacher??

Apparently he couldn't control his pupils

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A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?"

"We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a...

I am so good a using eye drops

I can do it with my eyes closed.

Been having trouble with my eyes recently, so I went to the doctors yesterday. Unfortunately, he told me I lost 20% of my sight...

Sigh...

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The wooden eye and the hunch back

A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident....
The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.

The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around. Eventually his fri...

A guy with a wooden eye goes to the club and sees a beautiful woman standing at the bar. She happens to have a peg leg. He walks up and asks her to dance...

She says “Would I!”

He says, “I didn’t want to dance with you anyway, peg leg!”

Did you hear that they make a webpage for people who suffer from chronic eye pain?

It’s a site for sore eyes.

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A guy in a bar bets the bartender $50 that he can lick his eyeball

The bartender agrees

The man takes his glass eye out, and bites it

The bartender angrily gives the man his money

The man bets the bartender $500 dollars that he can bite his other eyeball too

The bartender agrees to the bet, because the man was not blind

The man pu...

I love jokes about the eyes

The cornea the better

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I was on a date with this girl, staring into her eyes and my legs went a little weak, my vision went a little hazy lighting up her face

And I thought to myself, shit, I spiked the wrong drink

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If tears are just eye cum...

then why do we say “I’m Crying” instead of “Eye’m Cumming?”

What do you call a kid with one arm, one leg and one eye?

Names

What do you call a pig with three eyes?

Piiig!!!

A pirate with a peg leg, eye patch, and a hook hand walks into a bar and sits down beside a curious patron

They begin a conversation and the patron asks

"How did you get the peg leg?"

Pirate says "several years ago me first mate led a mutiny against me! Me whole crew threw me overboard and a shark came and tore me leg right off. Several hours later I got lucky and found a passing vessel to ...

Q: You know what you call a fish with nine eyes?

A: Fiiiiiiiiish

So I stopped by the optometrist yesterday, for an eye examine

He told me, my eyesight was so bad, 20/20 might be the only responsible way to describe it.

I looked longingly into my beloved's eyes and whispered, "A, E, I, O, U...and sometimes, Y."

The priest then turned to her. "And has the bride prepared any wedding vowels?"

When the magician failed at his trick, he could feel everyone's eyes on him. He never felt so embarassed.

He just wanted to disappear.

I once dumped a cross-eyed chick.

Thought she was seeing someone else.

A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.

The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."

"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.

"Well," the man sa...

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

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Both of my parents have brown eyes, so I wasn't too surprised when my girlfriend asked me where I got my blue eyes from.

I'm not 100% certain, but I think they belong to the hitchhiker chained in the basement.

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What do you call a deer with missing one eye?

No eye deer.

What do you call a deer with two eyes missing? Still no eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes or no dick or balls? Still no fucking eye deer.

PG 13 movies can show literally hundreds of human beings getting slaughtered and nobody bats an eye. But you drown just one dog...

and they ask you to leave the pool.

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My nephew was born without eye lids

But the made him some from the foreskin of his circumcision.

Now hes cockeyed.

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did...

What do you call a man with one eye, two noses, and three ears?

Ugly

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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

As I handed him my passport, the immigration officer stared at me with cold, dead eyes and mumbled, "I might not always agree with you, but..."

"I can see where you are coming from."

A man said to me “I lost my eye in an accident last year”,

So I replied, “that really must change how you see the world”.

Four frogs are playing poker behind a bar in New Orleans. One frog said: "You know I used to be a pet to a prince that came here one time." The other frogs roll their eyes, "You know what happend next? I was suddenly down their toilet and in the gutter" the frogs ignore and place their final bets.

Without skipping a beat the frog says: "I guess you can say, it was a..." throws cards down "a royal flush".

NASA had a supply of rib eye on the last flight to the international space station to see how meat cooked in space. They called it their most important mission.

Because the steaks were never higher.

A patient complained to his doctor that he kept seeing spots before his eyes.

The doctor was confused. "Why have you come to me? Have you seen the ophthalmologist?"

"No," replied the patient. "Just spots."

A pirate at sea has a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eye patch.

One of his companions ask how he lost his leg. He answers, "A cannonball." Then his companion asks how he lost his hand. He answers, "A sword." When the companion asks how he lost his eye, the man says, "A spray of the sea."

It was his first day with the hook.

One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man.

Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"

"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a magical being from the heavens."

"Very interesting," said Jesus. "Di...

What has 12 Legs, 12 hands and 12 Eyes?

12 Pirates

A guy in a wheelchair once applied for Stars in their Eyes with his nephew and they both successfully got on the show...

...when asked about his accident by the presenter, he stated "Well me and nephew are both glazers you see, and one day my nephew, who is here with me tonight, was up a ladder holding onto this double glazed window that we were both installing, when it suddenly slipped from his grasp and sliced strai...

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As I'm roaming in London, a British man walks up to me and says: Hey, you're an Indian, tell me why do you put that dot above the eyes?

I sighed a bit and replied: It's stupid, isn't it? Well, it's called a "tittle" and it's one of those idiosyncrasies of the English language that I could never understand.

What do you do if your eyes are dry?

Moisturise

Bob Seger sits in a park with a tired-eyed old man. He's learning how to play chess.

After going over the layout and setup of the board, the old man begins a lesson on to the movement of the individual pieces.

Queens move in all directions, any distance. Kings are the same but with only one space. He didn't understand the knight, though.

Two in one direction, then ...

Chinese man goes to the eye doctor

Doctor says looks like you have a cataract he replies no I drive a rincon towncar

Minutes ago , my brother ran out of the room with tears in his eyes shouting : it is a boy , it is a boy !

Dont go to Thailand , my worst trip so far !

What should you do if drinking coffee hurts your eyes?

Take the spoon out of the cup.

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

In a panic she told her lover “Hurry, stand in the corner. Don’t move until I tell you to. Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.”

At the moment her husband walked into the room. “What’s this, honey?” he asked.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths b...

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, bec...

You know, I’m glad I’m not cross eyed ...

Because the then I’d have love at second sight.

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This general goes to war and loses his left eye

(Translating this joke from Urdu to English. Let's see how it goes)

This general goes to war and loses his left eye so he visits the eye doctor and asks the doctor his options. The doctor tells him that he could put an artificial eye in his left eye socket. The general agrees and after a few ...

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A bomb went off near Hitler and some shrapnel got in his eyes. He went to the optometrist and when asked why Day was wrong he said

I can Nazi

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

A man walks up to the Widow at a funeral and asks if he can say a word.

"Of course", she replies.

The man plucks up the courage and says, "Bargain".

The Widow looks at him, teary eyed and says,

"Thank you so much, that means a great deal".

I accidentally squirted ketchup in my eye

I now have Heinzsight

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and...

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My late Grandfathers favorite joke

There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and u...

My wife looked me dead in the eyes while doing laundry and told me she's not a maid...

I told her of course you're not a maid baby....Maids get paid to do the laundry!

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A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”



Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on...

I used to rub ketchup in my eye

Now i’ve got Heinz sight

Why does the rabbit sleep with its eyes open?

Because it has short skin.

A doctor says to a man getting his eyes checked...

Doctor: The results are not good
Man: Can I see them
Doctor: Probably not

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them.

Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side.

Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!"

Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per...

Did you hear about the delivery driver for the local bakery that had 6 extra eyes located all around his head?

He's seen some weird things man but this guy takes the cake.

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A man was taking a train to the city from a rural town, when he saw the most beautiful blonde he'd ever laid his eyes on

Upon close inspection, it seemed that the woman was a country bumpkin; and that he overheard her say to an attendant that it was her first time riding a train, and going to a big city.


Because his lust was too strong, he was determined to take advantage of her and waited for an opportunit...

In retrospect, I should have known rubbing ketchup on my eyes would be useless.

Oh well, Heinz-sight is 20/20 I guess.

A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctor's office. He inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?" She replied, "I’m having a baby." With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?" She answered, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"

She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby." With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked:

Then why did you eat him?”

A lady is holding her newborn in her arms looks at him,her eyes teary in joy and goes

when i think 9 months ago, i almost swallowed you

Say: Eye

Spell: map






Say: ness

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that’s amore

When you suddenly squeal 'cause you stepped on an eel that’s a moray!

A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.

He raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"

Was walking with my friend when an eyelash got in my eye and he offered me his handkerchief

Told him bro that would be so uneyegeinic

I hate to do it but I've got to complain about the guy with the eye patch who sits opposite me at work

He keeps winking at me and it's just not appropriate.

My girlfriend poked me in the eye the other day...

I stopped seeing her for a while.

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Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.

One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?"


The silver-haired Marcie...

Why was the first person to have their eyes genetically edited so pleased?

Well, who wouldn’t want CRISPR vision?

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Once upon a time there was a boy with a wooden eye...

At his high school dance he was standing with his friends, too nervous to ask any girls to dance. "I'm afraid they'll make fun of my wooden eye..." he said.

His friend pointed to a girl with a wooden leg standing by herself in the corner, and said, "Hey, see that girl with the wooden leg? ...

A husband died

A few years later the wife died.

As she got to heaven, she sees her husband and runs up to him with tears in her eyes "Oh darling, how I've missed you."

The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him "Woah there woman. The contract was until death."

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My favorite joke: Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave ...

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Mr. and Mrs. Potato had three daughters who were as upstanding as they were lovely. One day the first daughter came home and exclaimed, “I have an announcement to make!” “And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes.

“Well...” replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin. “I’m getting married!”

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! And who are you marrying, eldest daughter?”

“I’m marrying a Russet!”

“A Russet!” replied Moth...

I used to date a guy with a wonky eye..

I had to break up with him because he kept seeing girls on the side.

Did you hear about the book of poetry that the Black Eyed Peas are publishing?

It's written in Will.I.Ambic Pentameter

An employee sees his boss arrive at work one day in a brand new Lamborghini.

The employee goes out to the car park and says to his boss “Wow that’s an amazing car! I wish I had one just like it, that must have cost you a pretty penny!”

The boss stands up, looks the employee in the face and says “Yes, it did. And do you know something? Next year, if you work really har...

I was born with a lazy eye...

...and it spread to the rest of my body.

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Why do women close their eyes during sex?

Some women just can’t stand to see a man having a good time.

When Katy Perry has the eye of the tiger it’s inspiring and motivational

But when I have it all of a sudden I’m “endangering animals” and have a “lifetime ban from the zoo”

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, Ma'am", he ...

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A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver’s license and registration.

When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk.
...

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My dad does this really inappropriate joke where he closes his eyes whenever a Stevie Wonder song comes on.

Fucking nightmare when his songs are on the car radio.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye test. The optician showed him a card. On the card were the letters “C Z W I X N O S T A C Z”.

“Can you read this?” the optician asked.

“Read it?” the Polish man replied, “I know the guy.”

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Vladimir Putin is hosting a summit with Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Un, and Justin Trudeau.

As a part of the summit, Putin takes the three leaders to a wilderness area outside of Moscow and dismisses the press corps, and a large wolf in a cage is brought out.


"Friends, this savage wolf was trapped and brought from the wilds of Siberia just yesterday. I want to show you what ki...

If eyes could shoot bullets,

I’d look into a bulletproof mirror.

Every time I drank coffee I would get this sharp pain in my eye...

I've started taking the spoon out now.

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While my wife was giving birth, I bent down and whispered "You're nearly there, keep going...keep going. Just keep your eyes closed and breathe slow."

"Thanks," said the doctor, "I've just never seen a vagina this ugly."

Three guys go in for a job interview.

The first guy goes in and kicks ass, best job interview he’s ever done in his life. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says:

“By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?”

“Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!”

“I’m sorry, says the intervie...

I was rushed into the ER because my son squirted glue into my eye.

It was an eye-opening experience.

What has one eye, is round and is usually hung?

A dartboard.

It's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye....

Then it's just a game of "Find the eye!"

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender: “I bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye.”

The bartender says: “Yeah, right! I’ve never seen anyone do that!”

So the man takes out his glass eye and bites it.

The angry bartender pays the man his fifty dollars and the man walks away.

He comes back half an hour later and says: “I bet you fifty dollars I can bite my left ...

[Repost] carrots may be good for your eyes....

But whiskey will double your vision.

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A woman was having an affair.

One rainy day she was in bed with her BF when she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

Woman: 'OMG - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window'.

BF: It's raining out there!'

Woman: 'If my husband catches us, he'll kill us!.

BF jumps out of the window!...

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For the longest time, I never found my ears, eyes, nose, or tongue very sexy.

Then one day, I came to my senses.

Steve likes Flowers

Every week, he goes to a different florist in his city, and buys a different kind of flower, trying to find what looks and smells best. On this occasion, however, he struggles to find one that fits his vibe for the week. Seeing his struggle, the young florist walks up.

"Hi!" She says with a ...

What are the chances of Gru’s henchmen having a singular eye?

One in a minion

I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.

The look on his face was priceless.

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