I dated a girl with a lazy eye once.

It turns out she was seeing someone else on the side.

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....

You know, one would have been enough.

I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes

But thats Heinz sight.

What has 50 pairs of eyes but only three teeth?

The front row at a Trump rally.

My local priest said I was the most handsome boy he had ever laid eyes on

I was touched

Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!

>!Everybody!<

Edit 1: Wow, this blew up. is this where you post your soundcloud?

Edit 2: My inbox is ruined, I should start charging reddit coins for formatting questions.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Asian man goes to the eye doctor.

Doctor says"You have a cateract." Asian man says "No, I have a rincoln continental."

Came home last night to find my dear mother muttering to herself in the corner. When I asked if she was alright, her eyes rolled up and her head started spinning. Then she cried out “Richard Of York Gave Bridge In Vain!” and collapsed.

I called the local exorcist and he told me it was probably a case of Mnemonic Possession.

I have the eye of the tiger...

and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw that my wife’s eye makeup smeared all around when she woke up this morning.

I couldn’t even raccoon-eyes her.

A guy walks into a clinic with a bruised eye

Doctor : How did this happen?

Guy : I was banging my neighbor over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" I should have probably ran.

What do you call a fish without eyes?

Blind.

If you remove everyone's eyelashes, no one bats an eye.

But if you remove everyone's brains, everyone loses their minds.

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.

Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.

“This is so embarrassing,” the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. “I’m sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner and make...

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A man was driving on the freeway when he saw a sign that said "Whistle Blowjobs - 10 miles"

" whistle blowjobs?" He thought to himself, wondering what that was all about.

"They suck your dick while they whistle? That's impossible!"

Then he passed another sign: "Whistle Blowjobs - 5 miles"

And another: "Whistle Blowjobs - 1 mile"

At this time he was so curious...

I was eating a hotdog the other day and when I took a bite ketchup squirted in my eye.

Now I have heinzsight

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If you’re blind and have a seeing eye dog

Do you have to pick up the dog shit?

Guess who I bumped into on the way to the eye doctor?

Everyone.

Have you heard of the new Apple Product designed to protect your eyes?

It's called iLid

After my friend poured ketchup in his eyes for a dare he exclaimed, “This was a terrible idea.”

Heinz sight is 20/20

I used to have a dog with no eyes.

His name was Team.

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A grizzled old sea captain walks into a bar. He has a peg leg, an eye patch, and a hook hand.

The captain sits down and orders a drink. The bartender serves it, and asks the captain a question.

-If you don't mind, how did you get that peg leg?

-I were chasing the white whale, laddy! Dangerous business!

-Well, how did you get the hook hand?

-Yar, had me a swashbuck...

I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes.

But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle.

What do you call a fish with no eye?

>! A fsh.!<

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: *stares at medusa's breasts.* Medusa: "My eyes are up here."

Me after looking: *gets rock hard*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Serve alcohol at a party, nobody bats an eye

Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit

What did one eye say to the other eye?

Between us, something smells.

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In injected Viagra into my eyes

it made me look hard

What do you call an alien with only one eye?

What do you call an alien with one missing eye?

Alen

(My nephew helped me make this joke up many years ago,
we know the spelling is wrong.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there's a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.

He's been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn't have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.<...

My friend just fainted whilst riding The London Eye.

He's slowly coming round.

What do you call a Pig with three eyes?

Piiig.

My uncle always told me, “Keep your mouth shut and keep your eyes open.”

Sorry I got those backwards.

I love puns about the eyes.

The cornea the better.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes? Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs? Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes, legs or dick?

A: no idear.
A: still no idear.
A: still no fuckin idear.
Compliments of my high school chemistry teacher!

What did the left eye say to the right eye?

"Between you and me, something smells"

(Credit to a 9 y.o. I thought it was funny)

Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?

because they dilate

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

A newlywed couple run into their bedroom and close the door behind them. The wife looks into her husband’s eyes and says “take off my shirt, baby”

So he takes her shirt off. Then the wife says “take off my pants.” So he takes her jeans off. She smiles and says “now take off my bra.” He smiles and takes it off. “Now take off my panties” she says. He smiles even more and takes her parties off. Then the wife says “Now don’t let me catch you weari...

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A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll bet you 100 dollars I can bite my left eye.”

The bartender doesn’t think he can bite his own eye so he bets him 100 dollars. The man takes out his glass eye and bites it. The bartender ends up giving him 100 dollars. The man comes back a few minutes later and says “I’ll let you get your money back. I’ll bet you 300 dollars I can’t bite my righ...

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job?

She couldn't control her pupils.

Dating Joke

I used to date a girl who wore a patch over her eye. One day when we were together, she said she wanted to stop seeing me, so I poked her in her good eye.

I came out of the supermarket this morning and there was a woman crying her eyes out.

She'd lost all her holiday money.

I felt so sorry for her I gave her £50.

I don't usually do that kind of thing but I'd just found £2000 in the car park.

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A pirate walks into a bar, with a wooden leg, a hook on his arm and an eye patch...

The Bartender looks at him and says " My god man, what happened to you?"

The pirate replies, " Well I'm a pirate. One day I did something wrong and they made me walk the plank. Before I could get out, a shark bit my leg off. Now I have to have a wooden leg."

Bartender asks, "what about...

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A man with a black eye sits down in his seat on an airplane.

He notices the man sitting next to him also has a black eye.

"Hey," he asks, "Howd you get your shiner?"

"Well, it was the result of a tongue twister. There was this hot looking girl at the ticket desk and what I meant to say was 'I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh', but what I actually s...

I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I ?

Ugly.

Did you hear that there’s a webpage for people who suffer from chronic eye pain?

It’s a site for sore eyes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If your eyes hurt after drinking coffee

Then take the spoon out of the cup dickhead

A website opened that houses many Eye relief medicine

It was a site for sore eyes

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I met a Pirate with a peg leg, hook hand and eye patch

I asked how he lost his leg?

He replied: Arrrg I fought off a shark but he got me good leg

I then asked him how he lost his hand?

He replied: Me Captain cut it off for not sharing the plunder with me mates

I then asked well how did you lose your eye?

He replied: A ...

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On a first date with Medusa I was staring at her boobs she told me, "Hey pal my eyes are up here."

I was already rock hard though.

What has 8 arms, 8 legs, and 8 eyes?

&nbsp;

&nbsp;

8 pirates... and also 8 homeless people by the year 2025.

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When a woman removes polish with chemicals, nobody bats an eye.

But when Hitler removes Polish with chemicals, everyone loses their shit.

What did the eye surgeon say after his first surgery?

-Well, that was an eye opening experience.

What’cha call a dear with one eye?

No idea

What do you call an eye doctor living on an Alaskan island

An optical Aleutian

My wife just rolled her eyes at me

I knew she would see things my way!

Every time my wife got angry with me, I would just close my eyes.

To be honest, I couldn't see the divorce coming.

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Two guys, both with black eyes, are waiting to board a plane...

Two guys, both with black eyes, we’re boarding an airplane. One guys says to the other, “how’d you get your black eye?”

The other guy says, “well, it’s a funny story. I was buying tickets at the counter and what I meant to say was, can I have two tickets to Pittsburgh. What I actually sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As my girlfriend unwrapped the condom, all eyes were on her.

She suddenly stopped and stared at me. "What the fuck?" she shouted. "You call this a birthday present?"

I told my wife she'd trimmed her eye brows too high..

She looked surprised.

I broke up with my lazy-eyed girlfriend today.

I heard she was seeing people on the side.

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A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asked him,

“What happened to you?”

“Well,” said the man,

“I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both spliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the...

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My son came home from school with a black eye

"Where the fuck did you find that thing?" I asked.

What do you call someone with 6 eyes, 2 mouths and 3 ears?

Ugly

A Polack goes to the eye doctor

the doctor asked if he could read the bottom line of the eye chart, which showed: CZYNQWSKI. To which the Polack responded; "Yeah, I know the guy."

What is it called when you poke your eye while putting on safety glasses?

Eyerony

Dying, the man's life flashed before his eyes. But he smiled.

He'd forgotten all about that meme.

A man with a wooden eye

Had not had a date in years, since before he lost his eye. One day he meets a woman who had a terrible hair lip. After they had talked for a while he decides to ask her out. She was so excited that he had asked her out she exclaimed
Would I, would I! Before she could finish her answer he shot ba...

Did you hear about the chef that threw salt in a customer's eyes, followed by dumping a bowl of batter over his head?

He got charged with a salt and battering

A blind man walks into a department store with his seeing-eye dog.

He walks to the middle of the store, bends down and firmly grasps the dog's collar, then yanks the dog into the air and starts whipping it around it in circles above his head.

A salesperson sees this happening and runs over to the blind man.

"Sir! Sir! Is there something I can help y...

How many eye doctors does it take to change a lightbulb?

One... or Two....

A guy walks into a doctors office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and two black eyes.

“What happened to you?” asked the doctor

“Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow field. When she went to investigate, I saw the ball in the cow’s ass. I went and lifted the tail of the cow and that’s when I made my mistake.”

“And...

Yesterday I saw aliens for the first time, they were tall and had blue skin with giant eyes. But what struck me the most is that they came in a green spaceship that had a rounded format

Turns out they do come in peas

Wife asks her husband lovingly "What do you love about me the most, my eyes or my body?"

"Oh honey, I love your sense of humor the most"

Bite My Eye

A man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was. The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip. The guy says, "I'll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye." The bartender accepts the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it.

He has a ...

A brother hits his sister in the eye with a pool noodle.

It was an accident but the girl gets a really nasty black eye. So the next day the girl gets to tell to all her friends about it and blames the brother. The brother doesn’t like the unwarranted attention.

He goes to his father and tells him he doesn’t like his sister telling everyone he hit ...

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How do you call a deer without an eye?

No-eye-deer

What do you call a deer without an eye and without legs?

Still no-eye-deer

What do you call a deer without legs, a penis and an eye?

Still no fucking eye-deer

Bob left work one Friday evening.

But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions....

My secretary called this morning and said she cant work anymore because she lost her eye. After assuring her that was understandable, I asked her to send me her resignation in writing for HR purposes.

"Dear Smon,

The past year has been terrfc, but t s my sncere regret to nform you today wll be my last day wth the organsaton ... "

Quick question

How much no more tears shampoo do you have to rub in a baby's eyes before it stops crying?

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw...

Using the keyboard is so easy, I can do it with my eyes closed!

Said Stevie Wonder

A Chinaman goes to see the eye doctor...

After the exam the doctor said, "I know why you're having trouble." The Chinaman says, "why?" Doctor said, "you have a cataract." Chinaman says, "no, I have a Rincoln Continental."

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A father whale and his son are swimming when the son whale asks his father "where did I come from." The father whale replies "from my penis son." The son rolls his eyes and says "thanks dad" to which the father whale replies

"you're whale cum son, you're whale cum."

A couple of years ago, one night,

I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood.

Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my pl...

When a girl says she wants to have a guy's babies, no one bats an eye, but when I say I want to give someone my babies-

-I'm suddenly under arrest for human trafficking.

The English Women's world cup team visited an orphanage. "They looked helpless. They had a lack of hope in their eyes...."

said Aurora , age 3.

A dog limps into a saloon, with a bandage around his leg and a mean scowl. He looks around suspiciously. The barman, polishing whiskey glasses, eyes the dog and says ' Evenin' pardner, what happened to you? '

Dog replies 'Sombody shot my paw'.

What do you call a woman with 1 black eye?

A goddamn ambulance. This is no time for jokes, there's been an assault.

I just got back from an eye examination where they dilated my pupils

It was truly an eye opening experience

What's it called when you see desserts out of the corner of your eye?

Profiterole vision

Not all eye jokes are bad

Some are cornea than others

The wife told me she couldn't take my pretending to be a private eye shtick any more. She want's to split up.

Good idea Karen, we'll cover more ground.

Dude #1: “I’ve got a thing for plucking people’s eyes out.”

Dude #2: “I can see that.”

Dude #1: “No you can’t.”

What do you call a guy with no eyes?

Well, it’s rude to call people names. But he goes by Mchael.

What has four eyes, but still can't read?

Mississippi.

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog. He immediately yanks the dog and starts to spin him in the air like a lasso.

The bartender freaks out, "What are you doing?!?!"


The blind man replies calmly, "Oh, just having a look around."

What do you call jokes about eyes?

Vitreous humor.

The Queer eye producers want to to run a spinoff show with the singer P!nk

But pink eye for the straight guy never really took off

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a pirate at the bar, he had a claw for a hand, a peg leg, and an eye patch on.

I saw a pirate at the bar, he had a claw for a hand, a peg leg and an eye patch on.

I asked what misfortune caused the loss of his leg. “A shark bit me leg clean off”

Curiosity piqued, I asked about his hand. “This beheaded fish still had the gall to bite down mighty fierce”

Las...

My Boyfriend poked me in the eyes...

...So I stopped seeing him for a little while.

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