This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A redneck birth control

After having the 10th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough since they could not afford another kid.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him the he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman goes through border control on her bicycle with two panniers filled with sand.

The border guard was suspicious about it and searched through the sand, but couldn’t find anything hidden, so he had to let her through.

The next day, the same woman passes by, again riding a bike with two bags brimming with bright sand. The guard was still unable to find anything. He felt so...

I called Animal control Welfare today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods with a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

My wife and I were arguing about who has better self control. "Clearly me," she says, "For example. I put a candy bar on my desk on Monday and it hasn't moved an inch"

"That's nothing!" I retorted. "All six times I ate it I put a new candy bar on your desk exactly where you left it."

I can't see the end, I've lost control, I've no home, and I don't think there's an escape.

It's probably about time I bought a new keyboard.

What do guys on Reddit use for birth control?

Their personalities.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was a sad and disappointing day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe.

Not even remotely.

(I stole this joke from fb and it made my drunk ass laugh out loud so I wanted to share but I'm sorry if it's a repost)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Male Birth Control

So Cletus decided 9 kids was enough since there was no more room on their bed, so off he went to the local vet. He told the vet he and his cousin were through with having kids, and asked to be snipped.
"The way I see it" - said the vet - "You have one of two choices. You can either get a vasectom...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a secret cabal of strippers who surreptitiously control the adult entertainment industry?

The Illumi-naughty

What two secret organizations rule the world through control of important metallic elements?

The Aluminati and the Tinplars.

What does a cross-eyed teacher have trouble controlling in class?

His pupils.

What do controllers and your mom have in common?

They both get smashed by COD players

Overweight guy goes to the doctor for some weight control help

Doctor gives him an Rx for 100 diet pills with the following instructions

Every morning, dump the pills all over the floor and bend down to pick them up, one at a time..

What did the Priest say to the pest control people?

Let's spray.

A control freak has 5 kids, how many of them does it take to change a light bulb?

There's no point in trying, none of them can change anything.

My addiction to Helium is out of control, but...

no one is taking my cries for help seriously.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know what I hate about X button on controller?

They never in the right place.

Just watched “Chernobyl”. Turned to my wife and asked if I could put my “Control Rod” into her “RBMK Reactor”

She said no and had a complete meltdown.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is a new female organ player at a small church...

She is a beautiful woman, but there is a problem: her ample bosom is causing an issue with the men in the church. While playing the organ, her breasts bounce and sway. Men in the church are getting distracted and many get in trouble with their wives for gazing longingly at her.

An old woman ...

My remote control batteries died out today.

So I gave them away, free of charge.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Camel in the Camp

There was a major that got newly stationed in a base in the middle east. As he inspecting the base, he saw a camel tied to a post. Confused, he calls the nearest private.

"Private Doe!"
"Sir! Yes, sir?"
"What is this camel doing here at our base?" Asks the Major
"Sir, the camel is he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up onto the sidewalk, and stopped inches away from a lady with a baby stroller. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Hey, don't ever do that again. You scared the crap out of me!"

The passeng...

An owl has taken control of my elderly mothers estate recently

I guess that’s the power of a tawny

What happens when you mix Birth Control and Acid?

A trip without the kids

My doctor says I can’t get birth control

It’s been a real pain in the ass

What is the scientific name for anti-vaxxers during a pandemic?

The control group.

I’m on this great new drug to control my Tourette Syndrome.

I swear by it.

I have absolute proof the Covid vaccine isn’t Bill Gates’ way to control us.

My husband had the vaccination yesterday and he still hates Microsoft Teams.

The cruel god cursed his creations with dyslexia, but nothing happened since they could do no wrong while fully under his control.

So he gave all of them free will – and the first thing his creations did was deicide.

A cop pulls over a married couple on the highway.

Officer says to the husband, who was driving, "I'm pulling you over because I clocked you doing 65 in a 50."

"That's impossible officer, I had cruise control set to 55."

The wife chimes in "Ted, you know the cruise control doesn't work."

"Shut up woman!" shouts the husband.
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a black person who controls a plane?

A pilot, you fucking racist.

A new bartender is working the saloon in Dodge City

When a cowboy burst through the doors from the street shouting, "Look out everybody, Big Bill Johnson is coming to town!"

The saloon burst into a panicked commotion as everyone scrambled for the door. In the rush, the bartender is knocked down and passes out.

When he came to, he heard...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

That new program on netflix about subliminal persuasion and mind control is a load of boring shit.

Turned it off after just five seasons.

What do those who beg for other people's money while trying to control them call each other?

Public servants.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate my job, quality control at the strobe-light factory.

I'm busy working like a cunt, and everyone else is just fucking standing still.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I thought it was just the U.S's insatiable need for inexpensive, single-use, remote controlled electronic junk that my son always wants crappy toys made in China that break after 5 days

But it seems China feels the same way about their rockets.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW Birth control honey at a farmers market

Vendor standing around trying to move his honey at a farmers market. Another salesman walks by and offers his assistance to the Farmer. Farmer decides to let the salesman do his thing.

Salesman starts yelling: "WE GOT REAL HONEY! ALL NATURAL, FRESH AND ITS A BIRTH CONTROL, YOU ARE GURANTEED N...

A man finds himself in a house fire that he can't control, so he calls 911 and says...

\- Help me, my house is on fire!

\- Alright, calm down and we'll see if we can help you. Have you tried to do anything to stop it on your own?

\- Yes, I've tried pouring some water on it.

\- Alright, but if that didn't help there's no point for us coming there either. We would h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a horny emo who practices self-control?

An edgelord

People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and controlled news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.

That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, America.

What did God say to Saint Peter, when giving him control of the weather?

You have free rain!

(had this idea in the shower, so it's technically a shower thought?)

What do you call someone who is so afraid of nature, that they do everything to try and control it?

An organic chicken.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between Jesus and vaccines?

One has the ability to prevent disease, slow down and eventually stop a global pandemic, and has saved countless millions of lives.

The other is a giant hoax, made up by evil shit bags to control the global population.

My daughter thinks I’m nosy and controlling.

At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was having an affair with an inspector from a pest-control company.

One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to the lover, “into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom di...

If you are not well informed about your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest removed his hand. But, changing...

Scientists have found that sunblock is actually 50% effective as birth control

Because it only blocks the sons

My wife told me my drinking has been out of control lately.

I said "Honey, don't be dramatic. I don't even remember the last time I blacked out."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Poor poor William

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson.

It’s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits … you name it.

Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Ea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call couples who use pull out as a means of birth control?

Parents

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The new priest decides to automatise his church

He hires a programmer to make as many systems as possible, passing most of the grunt work to computers. Donations can be done through PayPal, and credit cards are accepted for paying the tithe. Alexa buys the flowers and candles on schedule while also controlling the lights and the doors. Finally, t...

"Knock knock." "Who's there?" "A control freak." "A con..."

"Now say, 'A control freak who?'!"

If Sarah Connor needed pest control...

She can call an Ex-Terminator

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is as good a day as any to post this old one...

An older catholic priest is sweeping up between the pews after mass when a very attractive scantily clad young woman rushes into the church. She is visibly upset as she runs up to the priest, holding her face in her hands and sobbing.

Although the priest noticed her ample physique and skim...

Irish Birth Control

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' To ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan? And didn't I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'A...

Have you guys heard about this new birth control method?

It's a rock. You put it in your shoe, it makes you limp.

I’ve noticed my wife gets very aggressive about controlling the TV remote at the same time each month.

It’s nothing but period drama.

Radio Yerevan was asked: "Can I use aspirin as birth control pill?"

Radio Yerevan answered: "Yes, if you hold it between your knees."

President Obama and the Queen are proceeding towards Buckingham Palace in the Queen's carriage, waving to thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs to cover their noses.


The Queen turns to her guest, Mr President, please accept my regrets...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The White Ape

A man was driving down the road in the middle of the night when, naturally, his car broke down. There was no one around, but he saw a light up ahead. He walked towards it and soon figured out that it was a farmhouse.
The man knocked on the door, and a farmer answered. "Sir," he said to the farmer...

Had to get castrated today for birth control reasons. I paid so much and they didn't even use scissors.

It was a rip-off.

Arnold Schwarzenegger started a pest control business

He's an ex-Terminator

Greece has been suffering from wildfires this year so horrible they can be seen from space

Not surprising considering how hard it is to get a Greece fire under control.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An aircraft control tower suddenly last communication with a small twin engine aircraft

A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone!
He yelled,Mayday, mayday!
The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack! I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I drunkenly staggered into the back of a taxi.

I burped twice and the driver glared at me in his rear view mirror.

"It's £50 if you throw up on my seats," he declared.

Another enormous burp left my mouth.

Thankfully I was able to control my nausea until we stopped outside my home. One final burp filled the interior of the ca...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...



This is an old joke and sadly some of this has come to pass.



If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology li...

Why are artists so good at self control?

Because they always know where to draw the line.

My coworker is convinced that the government has implanted a microchip in his brain, and is controlling his thoughts.

I told him it's all in his head.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drunk man driving is stopped by a police control

The drunk man says, "officer take this but don't take my car " and hands the police officer 100 dollars

After some minutes again the same guy finds another police control, same thing again 100 bucks and he lets him go

2 minutes driving and again police control, 100 bucks and good to go...

A drunk driver is being interrogated

Detective: okay buddy, walk me through the whole thing, from the top

Driver: I don't know, it all happened so fast, I need a drink of water..

Detective: Your water is on its way. But first, tell me if this was premeditated.

Driver: NO! I swear, I just lost control of the car and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus.

When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on

account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She

moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had

him arrested.

When the case came before the cou...

I keep seeing the quote on women's tinder profiles, "If I was meant to be controlled I would have come with a remote."

Jokes on them, I've been turning women off for years without a remote.

Did you hear about the coronavirus infection rate spiralling out of control in the Irish capital?

It's Dublin.

Why are birth control pills so hard to get out of the package?

Childproofing

Move to the left!

"A pastor announced, "If you know your wife is controlling you, move to the left".

All the men in the church moved to the left except one man.

The pastor was happy there was at least one strong man, and asked," How come your wife can't control you?"

The man quietly replied, "It...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the place where chickens control an airplane?

A cockpit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A motorcyclist and a sparrow

A motorcyclist was driving along a highway when suddenly a sparrow hit his helmet when trying to fly across. The motorcyclist struggled to control his motorcycle and almost crushed but eventually he managed to stop. Nearby he noticed the sparrow that looked dead but after an examination it turned ou...

I'm not saying it's a mistake letting my girlfriend control the thermostat...

But two Hobbist just showed up and threw a ring into our bedroom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens if u give a lawyer viagra?

He grows.





But seriously: what do lawyers use for birth control?


Their business card.

Three pastors were discussing how they decide how much of the contribution of believers is allocated to God and to the activities of the church, and how much of it is for their personal benefits.

The first said: “it is simple, I just put everything on the table, close my eyes, and prays. After the prayer, I toss everything in the air, whatever lands on the table is for God, and whatever falls on the floor is for my personal use. The second said: “instead of a table, I draw a circle around ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man is at passport control in Paris

He is going through his bag for his passport. The woman on passport control asks him 'Have you visited France before?'

'Yes' replied the old man.

Sarcastically she responds 'Well surely you should know to have your passport ready...' to which he answers 'I didn't have to show it last t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Updating a classic for modern times [long]

When the news of covid hit Tammy said "I don't need to worry, God will protect me."


Well when lock downs started Tammy said "I don't need to worry, God will protect me". And she continued to see her friends, and be rude to restaurant staff when she got take out and show up to places tha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old woman lies dying with her husband beside her.

An old woman lies dying, her husband beside her. She turns and looks at him for a long time.

"Harry, you've always been by my side."

Harry smiles and squeezes her hand.

"When I broke my leg at 25... you were by my side.

"When I had a collapsed lung at 45... you were by ...

What form of birth control works better with holes in it?

Crocs

I accidentally took my birth control pill twice yesterday

and when I woke up this morning, one of my kids was gone.

Trump was asked if he's certain he's got the pandemic situation under control

His response: "I'm positive"

An elderly couple named Bill and Helen went to the county fair each year.

One year, a man at the fair was giving helicopter rides for 50 dollars. Having never been in a helicopter in all his years, Bill begged Helen to let them ride. She refused, quipping "50 bucks is 50 bucks."

The following year, the man was there again, and again Bill begged for a ride. Again H...

PSA: don't let them scan your forehead temperature at the grocery, it's mind control!

I came in to get eggs and bread, left with a bottle of whisky

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mind Control

In a small town, people became increasingly unhappy with the mayor's administration. Sensing the people's disgruntlement, the mayor started to get worried about his post. He called for the council meeting to address this growing problem. The council agreed that it's mostly because people are not obe...

In class, a teacher asked her students what was something good that they did today

The first kid says "I gave money to a homeless man"

The second kid says "I helped my mom with the chores"

The third kid says "I helped an old lady cross the street"

The teacher was very impressed and had high hopes for the fourth kid

The fourth kid then says "I prevented ...

n a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous.

Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit’s end trying to control them.
Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the parents thought that they should ask the priest to talk with the boys. The priest agre...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly Jewish man is sitting on a park bench reading the Tehran Times

A friend sees him and says, "Oy, Moishe! How can you read that rag? Don't you know the things they say about us?"

To which the man replies, "Well, I used to read to read the Jewish papers, but they're so depressing. Every headline is 'Jews Being Persecuted!' 'Jews Living in Poverty!' 'Jews Be...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest is riding a cab

A priest gets a taxi. While driving, the taxi driver is being extremely obnoxious. Every time the car gets into a small pit in the road, the taxi driver says "Fuck!" or "Shit!". The priest is silent. Then they accidentally hit a pothole, and the taxi driver goes "Motherfucker!". Then they hit a crac...

How do you control a group of hot girls?

You use the firehoes.

A friend of mine said she was using detergent as birth control

She had her tubes Tide.

I bought an old keyboard and removed all of the keys except C, V, and the control key.

As I qualified to run r/Jokes now?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not to brag, but I did a lot of experiments with sex and drugs when I was in high school.

Unfortunately I was part of the control group.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Car accident

A man is called to the hospital, his wife and mother in law were in an accident. His wife held over for observation, and the doctor asks if his wife has any siblings.

He replies "no she an only child"

Dr Says "well than I am sorry to tell you you mother in law is very bad off. She has ...

The man who invented the remote control has died age 96.

He was found down the back of the sofa.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was an election inside a body. The brain said "without me this body loses control, i am the coordinator, so i should be the president"

The lungs objected "if we stop working you all die in a few minutes, we should be the ones who rule".

The heart sneered "if i stop, you will die within a few seconds, i am the president."

The ass exclaimed "I am the most vital organ, you don't get it, but i will show you" and the ass ...

Mad cows

Two cows are standing in a field on a sunny day. The grass sways in waves from the summer breeze; a bumblebee slowly meanders across the meadow. One cow turns to the other.
Cow one: you know, I’m really struggling. I simply can’t shake this anxiety.
Cow two: (looking at his companion with a l...

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction.

When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man but I don't think he can live with my problems." So she decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up beans.
A year later her car broke down on the way home from work. Sin...

Mick Jagger and Keith Richards were cruising down the coast.

Coming around a bend they saw a magnificent bald eagle in the middle of the road. When Mick swerved to miss it he lost control of the car and they plummeted off a cliff to their death.

A tragic case of killing two Stones with one bird.

My girlfriend broke up with me because she says I'm too 'controlling'.

Funny thing is, I don't remember giving her permission to speak.

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control

I thought to myself... "Well this changes everything!"

Life hacks from Secretary Stalin, don’t dress for the job you want. Use the job you have to create a totalitarian dictatorship to crush your enemies.

*this joke exists because I found out Stalin’s title during his reign was Secretary. During the power struggles his opponents wanted to give him a menial job to side line him. But he realized he controlled who got invitations to meeting, what was on the agenda, and when they should happen. Leading t...

A wife borrows her husbands car, loses control and wraps it around a pole

She calls him up to explain the situation and ends the call with "Should be fine though".



Livid, the husband demands to know what the hell she means by that.



Wife: "Well it's a Mercedez"

Husband: "Damn it woman, what has that got to do with anything?"

Wife...

Are you the Center Of Disease Control?

Cuz theres nothing flat about your curves.

(seriously we have a real problem this virus is getting worse)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.