People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and controlled news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.

That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, America.

Had to get castrated today for birth control reasons. I paid so much and they didn't even use scissors.

It was a rip-off.

Why are birth control pills so hard to get out of the package?

Childproofing

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What do you call couples who use pull out as a means of birth control?

Parents

I'm not saying it's a mistake letting my girlfriend control the thermostat...

But two Hobbist just showed up and threw a ring into our bedroom.

What form of birth control works better with holes in it?

Crocs

Did you hear about the coronavirus infection rate spiralling out of control in the Irish capital?

It's Dublin.

Birth control...

Is a condom missed conception.

Maybe a repost I'm sorry but couldn't control

Dad, why is my sister called Teresa?”

“Well son, your mum really really loves Easter, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter”

“Thanks Dad”

“You're welcome Alan”

Control Freak

## Knock! Knock!

John: Who’s there?
Freddy: Control Freak.
John: Con…
Freddy: Okay, now you say, “Control Freak who?”

Irish Birth Control

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' To ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan? And didn't I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'A...

In class, a teacher asked her students what was something good that they did today

The first kid says "I gave money to a homeless man"

The second kid says "I helped my mom with the chores"

The third kid says "I helped an old lady cross the street"

The teacher was very impressed and had high hopes for the fourth kid

The fourth kid then says "I prevented ...

A friend of mine said she was using detergent as birth control

She had her tubes Tide.

Trump was asked if he's certain he's got the pandemic situation under control

His response: "I'm positive"

How do you control a group of hot girls?

You use the firehoes.

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Mind Control

In a small town, people became increasingly unhappy with the mayor's administration. Sensing the people's disgruntlement, the mayor started to get worried about his post. He called for the council meeting to address this growing problem. The council agreed that it's mostly because people are not obe...

A wife borrows her husbands car, loses control and wraps it around a pole

She calls him up to explain the situation and ends the call with "Should be fine though".



Livid, the husband demands to know what the hell she means by that.



Wife: "Well it's a Mercedez"

Husband: "Damn it woman, what has that got to do with anything?"

Wife...

I'm doing a course to become a pest controller. Did really well in my exam today....

Got a bee.

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There was an election inside a body. The brain said "without me this body loses control, i am the coordinator, so i should be the president"

The lungs objected "if we stop working you all die in a few minutes, we should be the ones who rule".

The heart sneered "if i stop, you will die within a few seconds, i am the president."

The ass exclaimed "I am the most vital organ, you don't get it, but i will show you" and the ass ...

Politicians, ISPs, Big Business, and foreign government agencies are all fighting for control over the internet, but who holds power over them all?

Anyone sorting by new.

I accidentally took my birth control pill twice yesterday

and when I woke up this morning, one of my kids was gone.

Farmers hired a DJ for pest control

To drop some sick beets

Grandpa: "Right before grandma died, she came-to -- after months in prolonged medically-controlled unconsciousness -- just to add something to a list." Me: "Wow. Did she love lists?"

"No, she was just wanted to finish with an Oxford coma."

Arnold Schwarzenegger is starting a pest control business

It's bound to be successful, since he's an Ex-Terminator.

A supervillain and his henchman are sitting in the control room in the supervillain's volcanic lair.

Suddenly alarms start going off all over the place.

Supervillain: "What the heck is going on? Are the sharks with lasers loose again? Is it the IRS? Is there a leak in the reactor?"

The Henchman looks behind him to see a chair melting into the ground. "No, sir, the flaw is lava."

Are you the Center Of Disease Control?

Cuz theres nothing flat about your curves.

(seriously we have a real problem this virus is getting worse)

Trump became so controlling that he refused to allow people and restaurants to buy shredded cheese, and as such, companies that shredded cheese got shutdown.

I guess he really did make America grate again.

I hate people who take drugs...

Especially border control.

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How to control population ?

Google: Use a Condom

Bing: \*Cocks Gun\*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife asked me whether I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school.

I said, “Yes, but I was part of the control group.”

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I had a call from a scammer the other day

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”>...

The man who invented the remote control has died age 96.

He was found down the back of the sofa.

The most important thing in life is to be able to control your gag reflex

So that you can swallow pills and take the proper medication you need, perverts.

I mind controlled a guy to get me something at an auction

Now he does my bidding

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A man buys a motorbike and is riding it home when it occurs to him that he's somewhat lacking control, as the wind is getting into his coat and buffeting him quite badly.

He pulls over, deciding to put his coat on back-to-front so the openings between the buttons are at the back.

Much improved he confidently accelerates away, but within five minutes of riding like this he reaches a sharp bend in the road, where he discovers his arms are rather too restricted ...

I keep seeing the quote on women's tinder profiles, "If I was meant to be controlled I would have come with a remote."

Jokes on them, I've been turning women off for years without a remote.

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A trial in UK

A young woman who was several months pregnant was sitting in a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on seeing him laughing more. She filed a court case on hi...

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Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

Bill is infatuated with his own farts.

Bill and Mary have been married for a long time.

Bill is infatuated with his own farts. Mary is not, but she tolerates it.

Every morning, as Bill climbs out of bed, he rips an obnoxious fart as he heads to the bathroom.

And every morning Mary tells Bill, “one of these days you’r...

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office.

When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth-control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded...

American healthcare costs are out of a control

A simple double amputation cost me an arm and a leg!

This new guy Juan has been hanging out with me and friends lately and honestly, I'm not a fan. He very controlling and manipulative.

And no Juan is going to tell me what to do.

What did the head of WHO say when he was asked, "How did China's president convince you Coronavirus is under control?"

Xi blinded me with science.

I don’t know what happened... I just lost control...

I really should stop cleaning my keyboard while drunk.

I can't see an end. I have no control and I don't think there's any escape - I don't even have a home anymore.

Definitely time for a new keyboard.

Tatooine Air Traffic Controller: "Jedi 41, Tatooine Tower, confirm your current position you appear to be lost"

Captain Yoda: "Of course I am"

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control

I thought to myself... "Well this changes everything!"

A man takes a job at a you factory

He is hired on to work the production line for Tickle me Elmo. He settles into his position, is given a quick set of instructions by his new supervisor and set to work. After finishing the instructions, the supervisor says: "It's super easy. Let me know if you have any questions. I'm check back in ...

Student: Can I borrow a pencil?

**Teacher:** I don't know, can you borrow a pencil?

**Student:** Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking...

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Joe saw a sexy young exotic girl walking out from a bank, a remote control dropped from her mini skirt.

He picked it up and planed to give it back.

But the girl looked at him, her face turned red and seemed nervous and coy.

Joe understood it all of a sudden...

He smiled obscenely and pressed the button on the remote.

Then the bank exploded.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Covid deniers die of Covid and go to heaven. God tell them they can ask anything they want and get the truth....

Two Covid deniers die of Covid and go to heaven. God tell them they can ask anything they want and get the truth

Covid Denier 1: So there was no such thing as covid, right? I died of lung cancer or something!

God: No, Covid is real, you died of covid just like the Doctors said.
...

3 drunk guys entered a taxi.

The driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine, turn it off again and said "We reached your
destination."

The first guy gave him money.

The second guy said "thank you" then gave him money too, while the third guy slapped the taxi driver.

The driver was shocked...

Teacher asks students

\- "Did you ever save anybody's life?"

\- "I did." Steve raises his hand.

\- "Whose life did you save?"

\- "My nephew’s."

\- "How?"

\- "I hid my sister's birth control pills."

James Bond wakes up in a strange prison cell.

His head is bursting, he feels nauseous, he's been beaten up, he looks at his reflection in toilet bowl water and sees he has a black eye, and cuts on his face.

"Where am I? How did I get here? Who's taken me?", he asked himself, "I musht have been drugged, I can't recall a thing".

Foo...

Last night I told my wife that I could control minds.

She replied "Don't make me laugh"...

My girlfriend broke up with me because she says I'm too 'controlling'.

Funny thing is, I don't remember giving her permission to speak.

It is claimed that Trump thought Finland was controlled by Russia

Finnish officials shrugged and said they thought the same was true of Trump

I got punched by my X-Box controller for breaking his charging cord.

He was charged with battery.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After my mother passed away, my wife & I decided that the best care for my wheelchair bound father was to move him into a nursing home.

After touring several, Dad finally agreed on one he seemed quite pleased with, but after only a week he called and wanted to leave ASAP.

"But why Dad?," I asked. "When you first got here, you acted as though you really loved the place."

"They're just too damn controlling."

""Wha...

I don't know where home is, I have no escape, and I've lost control.

Damn, I've got to replace this keyboard

The Goldberg Brothers - Are well known as the Inventors of the automobile Air Conditioner.

Here's a little known fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends. The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. 

The four brothers walked...

I'm running out of things to watch on TV. I just finished a movie about five families of fish competing for control of the reef...

It was called "The Codfather".

George W. Bush is sitting with his aides...

and he’s getting debriefed on the world news of the day.The news is rather mundane and unexciting, but one of his aides states that 3 Brazilian people perished in a plane crash early this morning.

Dubya’s reaction is pure shock and grief, he’s shaking and can not control his emotions.
...

Just invented a thought controlled air-freshener.

It makes scents, if you think about it.

Paddling joke.

I don’t like to brag but I can control a kayak brilliantly.

Canoe?

They locked down and instituted a curfew in the capital of Switzerland.

It's a controlled Bern.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man is at passport control in Paris

He is going through his bag for his passport. The woman on passport control asks him 'Have you visited France before?'

'Yes' replied the old man.

Sarcastically she responds 'Well surely you should know to have your passport ready...' to which he answers 'I didn't have to show it last t...

So you secretly bought an extra controller for your PS4?

Two can play at that game.

What’s the most common form of birth control at Hogwart’s?

*Coitus Interruptus*

Once upon a time there was a brutal and ruthless king...

Once upon a time there was a brutal and ruthless king that had restricted lives of his citizens to a point where his throne was at the risk of being overthrown. There were daily riots and people were fed up with their lives as a result of being oppressed so much and having virtually no rights.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Nsfw] A patient visits the doctor and is worried to talk about his illness.....

He feels shy to talk about his slim penis.......

Doc: "Dont be worried, what's wrong with you?"

Patient: "I am embarrassed to say. You may look at my thin penis and laugh."

Doc: "Dont be worried. if I laugh, I will only take half my fees."

Patient removes his pants and sh...

The driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig

and ploughed into an empty toll booth, smashing it to pieces. Some time after the driver had reported the damage, he watched as a repair truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers. They picked up each broken piece of the wreckage and spread a creamy substance on it. Then they began fittin...

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