What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD

A trip without the kids.

BREXIT: TAKE BACK CONTROL

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and...

With the announcement that gel is being used by men as a form of birth control has many women upset

It must be a tough pill for them to swallow

Arnold Schwarzenegger is going into the pest control business.

He's the ex-terminator.

My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"

He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"

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*Credit: Gary Delaney.*

He who controls the router...

...rules the LAN

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw a woman in the supermarket, struggling to control her kids.

She looked really stressed. Then she accidentally knocked over and smashed a bottle of milk.

She dropped to her knees and burst into tears, surrounded by spilled milk. It reminded me of something my dad used to say to my mum, so I walked over to her and said;

"Get a fucking grip, you s...

I can't see an end. I have no control, and I don't see any escape. I"m not even sure I have a home anymore....

I think it's time for a new keyboard.

I used to think those bikes with foot control brakes were a cool idea

But to be honest, I’ve back pedalled since then

My girlfriend told me I have control issues...

So I pulled tighter on her leash.

If a stork is the bird of birth, what’s the bird of birth control?

A swallow

What do you call it when a socialist teacher can't control his students

Class struggle

what does t'chala use as birth control ?

wakondoms

When I first saw an universal remote control...

I thought to myself: "Well... This changes everything"

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They say not having sex is the best form of birth control

Well i've tried it and my wife still had a baby...

My favorite form of birth control is a condom inside a condom inside a condom...

Contraception

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An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication

with a small twin engine aircraft.A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cell phone.

He yelled, "Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his...

People give anti-vaxxers a hard time, but they gave us one important thing...

A control group for our studies confirming that vaccines do not cause autism.

they say that antibiotics prevent birth control from working

I don't know, I've taken antibiotics before and my personality still did its usual job

I’ve been in the BDSM scene for a while. Recently, I developed feelings for a girl that wanted me to control her. She was amazing...

She was definitely a r/subifellfor

This Zamboni operator skidded out of control into our Dungeons & Dragons meeting

Why he be all slidin into my DMs

An Israeli lands in New Delhi Airport. Reaches the passport control

-Name?
-David Cohen
-Age?
-32
-Occupation?
-No, just sightseeing... For now

A German goes on holiday to France. He gets to passport control and the woman asks "Occupation?"

"No, just visiting." Said the guy.

Before I met my girlfriend I was out of control. I was wild and always getting shocked by static electricity. But not anymore...

She really keeps me grounded.

The man who invented the television remote control passed away today

They found him at home between the couch cushions.

What should the name of the first male birth control gel be?

Sonblock.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My sexual desires have been getting out of control…

But it wasn’t until I spanked a statue that I knew I’d hit rock bottom…

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old man is at passport control in Paris

He is going through his bag for his passport. The woman on passport control asks him 'Have you visited France before?'

'Yes' replied the old man.

Sarcastically she responds 'Well surely you should know to have your passport ready...' to which he answers 'I didn't have to show it last t...

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My friends and I experimented with sex and drugs when we were in high school.

I was the control group.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I once tried to control a nation by simply walking around with a vegetable on the end of my penis...

I learned this trick from other dick taters.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do birth control and brothels have in common?

They're both full of "whore-moans".

Did you hear about the new male birth control pill?

You take it the next day....it changes your blood type.

A German traveling to Poland stops at a Polish Border Security Point.

Polish Border Control Officer: "Nationality?" German: "German" Polish Boder Control Officer: "Occupation?" German: "No, just visiting"

The Terminator got sick of chasing Sarah Connor, so he started a pest control company.

He became an exterminator.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Researchers have developed a groundbreaking new birth control gel for men

How it works is the man applies the gel for about two minutes and then realizes he no longer needs sex.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?" Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted,...

V

Sorry lost control there

People often tell me I have no willpower or self-control

Rubbish I say. I've quit smoking loads of times

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head in the lush.

Dazed and confused, I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiney new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...

"I'm okay I think," I replied as ...

What did the optimist say after losing control on the left half of his body?

I'm all-right

If One Had The Ability To Control Bacteria...

That would be pretty sick

Angela Merkel arrives at the Passport Control at the Charles de Gaulle airport, Paris.

"Nationality ? " asks the immigration officer. "German," she replies. "Occupation?" "No, just here for a few days."

A driver loses control of her car, sliding towards a concrete wall...

At the last moment, the companion on the front seat pulls the handbrake. The car turns around and stops inches from the wall.

The pale passengers from the backseats start to cheer their savior.

-Ah, no, honestly, you don't need to thank me. I'm not a driver! I'm a fighter-jet pilot, an...

What do you call people whose birth control method is pulling out?

Parents

What does a mama bear on birth control have in common with the world series?

No cubs

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I had a problem with my computer yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."


I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fi...

I won't control what you do on the internet

but Theresa May

Birth Control

A doctor who had been seeing a 70-year-old grandmother for most of her life finally retired.

At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized
she ha...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Submarines in the Atlantic

One day in the Atlantic, two subs surface next to each other. Out of one, an ancient Soviet rustbucket, emerges a rowdy crew that is clearly drunk. On the other, a sleek American sub, cleancut American crewmen stand at attention.

The heavily-bearded Soviet captain begins screaming at his men:...

How do they do quality control at the Tickle-Me-Elmo factory?

They give each doll two test tickles.

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.


The kingdoms ...

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Birth control alternatives

A husband and wife walk into a doctors office looking for alternative options for birth control as the pill is quite hormoney and the husband is allergic to latex.

They ask the doctor "we've been thinking about exclusively practising anal sex, surely there's no pregnancy risk there!"

D...

The newest form of birth control is putting a rock in one shoe...

...It makes you limp.

Me and the wife love Skunks and decided to smuggle one home but had to get past border control, the wife says how we going to do this? I said put it down your panties, she said what about the smell?

I said, well if it dies it dies...

After installing a personal budget control app, I saw how much money I spend on beer every month. This opened my eyes. Clearly, I shouldn't do this anymore.

I deleted the app.

Why couldn't the man 3D printing his face control his excitement?

He was getting a head of himself

A Brit lands in Sydney, and is awaiting passport control

His turn comes and he steps to the agent.

The agent asks his name, and the Brit gives it.

The agent asks his occupation, and the Brit gives it.

The agent asks, “Have you ever been convicted of a crime?"

The Brit responds, “Right, so that's still a requirement?"

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Q. Have you heard about the new mint-flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex?

A. They’re called “Predick-a-mints.”

Have you heard about the new movie set in a post apocalyptic world where the proletariat control the means of production?

They're calling it Mad Marx

Air traffic control - Flight 417, please confirm your location, over

Pilot - This is Flight 417, we are in the sky, over

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bear climbs up a tree in a man's backyard and won't get down so he calls animal control...

An animal control van pulls up and a man steps out with a pitbull by his side. He comes up to the owner, hands him a semi-automatic rifle and says: "Here is the plan, I climb up the tree and start shaking it, when the bear falls out, my pitbull Fluffy here will bite him by the balls and drag him bac...

There is a conspiracy theory that ALCOA and Planters secretly control the world.

Maybe you've heard of the AlumaNutty?

Perfect solution to make the Right want gun control...

Rename schools to uteruses so they’ll care about kids dying there.

My wife and I use the pull-out method for birth control ....

we pull out our phones and ignore each other all night.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Arkansas man takes his 12 year-old daughter to the doctor to get her on birth control

The doctor then asks the man, “ Your 12 year-old daughter is sexually active!?”

The man replies, “No, she’s like her mother. She just lays there.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A college girl once had a very active sex life...

She especially loved hooking up with frat boys and men who had been sentenced to prison. Those were kind of her fetishes, and she didn't know why. She didn't really like to use condoms, though, which was very dumb of her, and she knew that, but she thought it felt so much better without one. Also, s...

A woman came into the police station sobbing. "A ghost has taken control of my husband" she cried.

The officer took her statement and conferred with his partner. He turned back to the woman and said confidently, "Dont worry about it, we deal with this kind of thing all the time, possession is 9/10ths of the law."

How does Sean Connery Shave?

Control esh.

Control Over Your Wife

Three men were sitting at a bar. Two of them were boasting about their control over their wives, while the third one remained quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, 'Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?'

The third fell...

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A blonde went to the doctor for birth control...

The doctor asked the customary question, "Are you sexually active?" The blonde responded, "Nope." So the doctor asked, "Well, what do you need birth control for? Heavy period?" The blonde responded, "No, I don't want to get pregnant!"

Puzzled, the doctor clarified, "I thought you said you wer...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If the left side of the brain controls the right side of the body and the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, what controls the penis?

The vagina!

A guy goes to the doctor: “Please help me doc. I have this horrible blinking in my right eye that I just can’t control.” Doctor: “Ah come on, it’s not so bad as you think.”

Guy: “Oh, you think?! Every time I go to the pharmacy to get some painkillers, they give me condoms!”

What do you call the control a dock has over a boat?

Pier pressure!

Wanna hear a joke about a control freak?

Yes, you do.

What do you call a wizard that can only control lizards?

Salamancer.

Ha.

How is the south dealing with birth control

They are banning family reunions

Son, we just bought a software to control your internet access.

Can you install it?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A plane leaves JFK airport under the control of a Jewish captain, Josh Weinberg.

It is the first time he has flown with his Chinese co-pilot Bo Weng and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

After this protracted silence has continued for a while, the Captain mutters, 'I don't like the Chinese.. .'

'No rike Chinese?' asks the copil...

A plane flies straight toward a mountain as pilot and co-pilot pull down on the control wheel with all their might

The pilot yells "We'll never make it over that mountain" the co-pilot looks at him and says "Not with that altitude."

My girlfriend had trouble opening her her birth control.

I told her it’s because it’s child-proof.

Centuries ago, on a remote island in the North Atlantic...

Vikings arrived and began a settlement with help from their Irish thralls. But they weren't alone. All manner of otherworldly beings lurked in the island's hidden corners. The Vikings called these beings *vættir*; the Gaels called them *Aes Sídhe*.

Among these beings were the selkies who frol...

What's big, black and loaded with aids?

A new Cadillac Escalade with cruise control, lane alert, navigation, downhill descent control and parking assist.

I knew a girl who always confused her birth control and anti-depressants

She had the sweetest little baby.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar of 10 dollar bills sitting on the counter.

He figures there must be thousands of dollars in that jar because it is quite large and nearly filled to the brim.

The man then approaches the bartender and inquires him about the jar of money.

The bartender tells him, "If you drop a 10 dollar bill into that jar and pass three challeng...

The driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig

and ploughed into an empty toll booth, smashing it to pieces. Some time after the driver had reported the damage, he watched as a repair truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers. They picked up each broken piece of the wreckage and spread a creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the...