My addiction to Helium is out of control, but...

no one is taking my cries for help seriously.

Due to health concerns, my doctor recommend I go on a strict vegetarian diet, and practice portion control.

I am happy to announce that I am down to one vegetarian a day, as they are surprisingly filling.

What happens when you mix Birth Control and Acid?

A trip without the kids

An owl has taken control of my elderly mothers estate recently

I guess that’s the power of a tawny

What is the scientific name for anti-vaxxers during a pandemic?

The control group.

I've just invented a thought controlled air freshener.

Sounds crazy!! But it makes scents, if you think about it.

My doctor says I can’t get birth control

It’s been a real pain in the ass

My remote control batteries died out today.

So I gave them away, free of charge.

Just watched “Chernobyl”. Turned to my wife and asked if I could put my “Control Rod” into her “RBMK Reactor”

She said no and had a complete meltdown.

The cruel god cursed his creations with dyslexia, but nothing happened since they could do no wrong while fully under his control.

So he gave all of them free will – and the first thing his creations did was deicide.

I’m on this great new drug to control my Tourette Syndrome.

I swear by it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I thought it was just the U.S's insatiable need for inexpensive, single-use, remote controlled electronic junk that my son always wants crappy toys made in China that break after 5 days

But it seems China feels the same way about their rockets.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW Birth control honey at a farmers market

Vendor standing around trying to move his honey at a farmers market. Another salesman walks by and offers his assistance to the Farmer. Farmer decides to let the salesman do his thing.

Salesman starts yelling: "WE GOT REAL HONEY! ALL NATURAL, FRESH AND ITS A BIRTH CONTROL, YOU ARE GURANTEED N...

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I hate my job, quality control at the strobe-light factory.

I'm busy working like a cunt, and everyone else is just fucking standing still.

I have absolute proof the Covid vaccine isn’t Bill Gates’ way to control us.

My husband had the vaccination yesterday and he still hates Microsoft Teams.

What do those who beg for other people's money while trying to control them call each other?

Public servants.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

That new program on netflix about subliminal persuasion and mind control is a load of boring shit.

Turned it off after just five seasons.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a horny emo who practices self-control?

An edgelord

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a black person who controls a plane?

A pilot, you fucking racist.

What do you call someone who is so afraid of nature, that they do everything to try and control it?

An organic chicken.

A man finds himself in a house fire that he can't control, so he calls 911 and says...

\- Help me, my house is on fire!

\- Alright, calm down and we'll see if we can help you. Have you tried to do anything to stop it on your own?

\- Yes, I've tried pouring some water on it.

\- Alright, but if that didn't help there's no point for us coming there either. We would h...

President Obama and the Queen are proceeding towards Buckingham Palace in the Queen's carriage, waving to thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs to cover their noses.


The Queen turns to her guest, Mr President, please accept my regrets...

My daughter thinks I’m nosy and controlling.

At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.

Scientists have found that sunblock is actually 50% effective as birth control

Because it only blocks the sons

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was having an affair with an inspector from a pest-control company.

One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to the lover, “into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom di...

People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and controlled news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.

That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, America.

What did God say to Saint Peter, when giving him control of the weather?

You have free rain!

(had this idea in the shower, so it's technically a shower thought?)

"Knock knock." "Who's there?" "A control freak." "A con..."

"Now say, 'A control freak who?'!"

My wife told me my drinking has been out of control lately.

I said "Honey, don't be dramatic. I don't even remember the last time I blacked out."

If Sarah Connor needed pest control...

She can call an Ex-Terminator

Have you guys heard about this new birth control method?

It's a rock. You put it in your shoe, it makes you limp.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call couples who use pull out as a means of birth control?

Parents

Radio Yerevan was asked: "Can I use aspirin as birth control pill?"

Radio Yerevan answered: "Yes, if you hold it between your knees."

I’ve noticed my wife gets very aggressive about controlling the TV remote at the same time each month.

It’s nothing but period drama.

Had to get castrated today for birth control reasons. I paid so much and they didn't even use scissors.

It was a rip-off.

Arnold Schwarzenegger started a pest control business

He's an ex-Terminator

Irish Birth Control

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' To ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan? And didn't I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'A...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An aircraft control tower suddenly last communication with a small twin engine aircraft

A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone!
He yelled,Mayday, mayday!
The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack! I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and h...

Why are artists so good at self control?

Because they always know where to draw the line.

My coworker is convinced that the government has implanted a microchip in his brain, and is controlling his thoughts.

I told him it's all in his head.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly Jewish man is sitting on a park bench reading the Tehran Times

A friend sees him and says, "Oy, Moishe! How can you read that rag? Don't you know the things they say about us?"

To which the man replies, "Well, I used to read to read the Jewish papers, but they're so depressing. Every headline is 'Jews Being Persecuted!' 'Jews Living in Poverty!' 'Jews Be...

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A drunk man driving is stopped by a police control

The drunk man says, "officer take this but don't take my car " and hands the police officer 100 dollars

After some minutes again the same guy finds another police control, same thing again 100 bucks and he lets him go

2 minutes driving and again police control, 100 bucks and good to go...

An elderly couple named Bill and Helen went to the county fair each year.

One year, a man at the fair was giving helicopter rides for 50 dollars. Having never been in a helicopter in all his years, Bill begged Helen to let them ride. She refused, quipping "50 bucks is 50 bucks."

The following year, the man was there again, and again Bill begged for a ride. Again H...

Mick Jagger and Keith Richards were cruising down the coast.

Coming around a bend they saw a magnificent bald eagle in the middle of the road. When Mick swerved to miss it he lost control of the car and they plummeted off a cliff to their death.

A tragic case of killing two Stones with one bird.

Did you hear about the coronavirus infection rate spiralling out of control in the Irish capital?

It's Dublin.

Why are birth control pills so hard to get out of the package?

Childproofing

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction.

When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man but I don't think he can live with my problems." So she decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up beans.
A year later her car broke down on the way home from work. Sin...

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What do you call the place where chickens control an airplane?

A cockpit.

Why was the teacher cross-eyed?

She couldn’t control her pupils

I'm not saying it's a mistake letting my girlfriend control the thermostat...

But two Hobbist just showed up and threw a ring into our bedroom.

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A priest is riding a cab

A priest gets a taxi. While driving, the taxi driver is being extremely obnoxious. Every time the car gets into a small pit in the road, the taxi driver says "Fuck!" or "Shit!". The priest is silent. Then they accidentally hit a pothole, and the taxi driver goes "Motherfucker!". Then they hit a crac...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Israelis are sitting on the beach in Tel Aviv...

... reading newspapers. One is reading a reputed newspaper published in Tel Aviv, but the other is reading an anti-Semitic propaganda paper published by Iranian subverts.

The first guy asks the second: "why in God's name are you reading that anti-Semitic rag?"

The second guy responded...

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A man with a foot fetish got a job giving women pedicures...

Sounds obvious, right? Probably happens all the time.

However, this particular voyeur was really bad at controlling himself and concealing his intentions. One day he was in the process of painting a woman's toes, but he took a bit too much pleasure in it, as doing so gave him an erection so...

PSA: don't let them scan your forehead temperature at the grocery, it's mind control!

I came in to get eggs and bread, left with a bottle of whisky

What form of birth control works better with holes in it?

Crocs

Trump was asked if he's certain he's got the pandemic situation under control

His response: "I'm positive"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tractor joke

There once was a man who loved tractors, I mean he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor porn(which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was th...

I can control your thoughts

You are now thinking of a red hammer

Dracula

Dracula is walking down the street one fine evening when a speeding lorry carrying mini sausage rolls, sandwiches, a variety of salads, dressed salmon, quiches and cold meats loses control, overturns and spills all that food. All this wreckage hits Dracula and with his dying breath he curses buffet ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not to brag, but I did a lot of experiments with sex and drugs when I was in high school.

Unfortunately I was part of the control group.

In class, a teacher asked her students what was something good that they did today

The first kid says "I gave money to a homeless man"

The second kid says "I helped my mom with the chores"

The third kid says "I helped an old lady cross the street"

The teacher was very impressed and had high hopes for the fourth kid

The fourth kid then says "I prevented ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mind Control

In a small town, people became increasingly unhappy with the mayor's administration. Sensing the people's disgruntlement, the mayor started to get worried about his post. He called for the council meeting to address this growing problem. The council agreed that it's mostly because people are not obe...

I thought I spilled coffee all over my keyboard.

My keyboard still works fine except one key. The spill was under control.

Birth control...

Is a condom missed conception.

I keep seeing the quote on women's tinder profiles, "If I was meant to be controlled I would have come with a remote."

Jokes on them, I've been turning women off for years without a remote.

How do you control a group of hot girls?

You use the firehoes.

I accidentally took my birth control pill twice yesterday

and when I woke up this morning, one of my kids was gone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bucket Method

Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says "We're Catholic so we can't use it."


The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm method."


The third woman says "We use the bucket and saucer method." <...

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In light of „jewish“ space lasers

1939
A Jewish man was sitting in the New York Metro reading a german newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be in the same subway , noticed this strange phenomenon.
Very upset, he approached him and said:

'Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading a nazi newspaper?'...

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Explaining politics

From a TikTok video (maker unknown, but props to him!):

I went up to my dad and said, "Dad, can I ask you a question? It's for a school project."

My dad said, "For sure son, what's the question?"

I said, "Dad, what is politics?"

My dad said, "Well, let's use our home as a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Engineering joke

A plane is flying from Poland to England and the plane starts to wobble. The pilot works the controls but it just keeps getting worse. The co-pilot (who happens to be an engineer) says he knows what to do. He runs to the passenger section and says "Quick, everybody move to the left side of the pl...

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, “Goodness, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly, dear - you know that this car doesn't have cruise...

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

A friend of mine said she was using detergent as birth control

She had her tubes Tide.

There were 3 brothers: Little Snowflake, Little Leaf, and Little Brick...

So one day Little Snowflake goes up to his mum and asks her:
- Why am I called like this?
- Because when you were born, a Snowflake fell on your forehead
So Lil' Snowie all excited goes up to his brothers and tells them that they should ask what about their names, so Little Leaf goes up to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was an election inside a body. The brain said "without me this body loses control, i am the coordinator, so i should be the president"

The lungs objected "if we stop working you all die in a few minutes, we should be the ones who rule".

The heart sneered "if i stop, you will die within a few seconds, i am the president."

The ass exclaimed "I am the most vital organ, you don't get it, but i will show you" and the ass ...

If there's one thing I've learned to control during this online session

It's F

The nurse asked the patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown, to be checked by a doctor.

The nurse asked the patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown, to be checked by a doctor.

“In front of you”?”, he asks, shyly.

The nurse says, “Well no, but I've seen the naked human body before.”

The patient said, “Not one like mine. You would die laughing at my naked bo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why, what, who?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does...

A wife borrows her husbands car, loses control and wraps it around a pole

She calls him up to explain the situation and ends the call with "Should be fine though".



Livid, the husband demands to know what the hell she means by that.



Wife: "Well it's a Mercedez"

Husband: "Damn it woman, what has that got to do with anything?"

Wife...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man is at passport control in Paris

He is going through his bag for his passport. The woman on passport control asks him 'Have you visited France before?'

'Yes' replied the old man.

Sarcastically she responds 'Well surely you should know to have your passport ready...' to which he answers 'I didn't have to show it last t...

The man who invented the remote control has died age 96.

He was found down the back of the sofa.

Politicians, ISPs, Big Business, and foreign government agencies are all fighting for control over the internet, but who holds power over them all?

Anyone sorting by new.

Farmers hired a DJ for pest control

To drop some sick beets

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man buys a motorbike and is riding it home when it occurs to him that he's somewhat lacking control, as the wind is getting into his coat and buffeting him quite badly.

He pulls over, deciding to put his coat on back-to-front so the openings between the buttons are at the back.

Much improved he confidently accelerates away, but within five minutes of riding like this he reaches a sharp bend in the road, where he discovers his arms are rather too restricted ...

My girlfriend broke up with me because she says I'm too 'controlling'.

Funny thing is, I don't remember giving her permission to speak.

Are you the Center Of Disease Control?

Cuz theres nothing flat about your curves.

(seriously we have a real problem this virus is getting worse)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that the grandfather has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle, etc.
Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long - easy, boy." Another outburst and she he...

A supervillain and his henchman are sitting in the control room in the supervillain's volcanic lair.

Suddenly alarms start going off all over the place.

Supervillain: "What the heck is going on? Are the sharks with lasers loose again? Is it the IRS? Is there a leak in the reactor?"

The Henchman looks behind him to see a chair melting into the ground. "No, sir, the flaw is lava."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW: hope this isn't a repost, never seen it here, but one of my favorites I heard at least 20 years ago . A woman is walking alone on the beach one day....

Enjoying the beautiful day when she stubs her toe and stumbles over something in the sand. She turns around and is stunned to see a genie rising from smoke out of a lamp. The genie looks at her twirling his goatee and informs her he can grant her one wish. She takes a moment to ponder her decision a...

I can't see an end. I have no control and I don't think there's any escape. I don't even have a home anymore.

I think it's time for a new keyboard.

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control

I thought to myself... "Well this changes everything!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When God created man, all of the parts of the body argued over who would be boss.

The Brain said that since he controlled the body that he should be boss.

The Eyes said that without them man would be helpless, they should be boss.

The Legs said that since they took man wherever he wanted to go, they should be boss.

The Stomach said that since it digested the ...

The most important thing in life is to be able to control your gag reflex

So that you can swallow pills and take the proper medication you need, perverts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more sex would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...

that I'm in the control group.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my mate that I got fired for downloading porn at work and causing everything to crash.

"That's a bit harsh!!" he said.

"They don't fuck around at Air Traffic Control " I replied.

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