The man who invented the remote control has died age 96.

He was found down the back of the sofa.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man buys a motorbike and is riding it home when it occurs to him that he's somewhat lacking control, as the wind is getting into his coat and buffeting him quite badly.

He pulls over, deciding to put his coat on back-to-front so the openings between the buttons are at the back.

Much improved he confidently accelerates away, but within five minutes of riding like this he reaches a sharp bend in the road, where he discovers his arms are rather too restricted ...

I'm not saying it's a mistake letting my girlfriend control the thermostat...

But two Hobbits just showed up and threw a ring into our bedroom.

I got punched by my X-Box controller for breaking his charging cord.

He was charged with battery.

Student: Can I borrow a pencil?

**Teacher:** I don't know, can you borrow a pencil?

**Student:** Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking...

I don’t know what happened... I just lost control...

I really should stop cleaning my keyboard while drunk.

Last night I told my wife that I could control minds.

She replied "Don't make me laugh"...

What do engineers use as birth control?

Their personalities.

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Joe saw a sexy young exotic girl walking out from a bank, a remote control dropped from her mini skirt.

He picked it up and planed to give it back.

But the girl looked at him, her face turned red and seemed nervous and coy.

Joe understood it all of a sudden...

He smiled obscenely and pressed the button on the remote.

Then the bank exploded.

So you secretly bought an extra controller for your PS4?

Two can play at that game.

What’s the most common form of birth control at Hogwart’s?

*Coitus Interruptus*

I'm running out of things to watch on TV. I just finished a movie about five families of fish competing for control of the reef...

It was called "The Codfather".

According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.

This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.

I keep seeing the quote on women's tinder profiles, "If I was meant to be controlled I would have come with a remote."

Jokes on them, I've been turning women off for years without a remote.

How would a giant robot that's controlled by multiple people be rendered useless?

Make operating it a school group project!

The CDC needs volunteers for the control group to test a new antidote for children.

Any antivaxxers have kids they can part with?

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control

I thought to myself... "Well this changes everything!"

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I was talking to a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

I don't know where home is, I have no escape, and I've lost control.

Damn, I've got to replace this keyboard

What do you call the device that controls the bells in Norte Dame?

Quasi-modem

Just invented a thought controlled air-freshener.

It makes scents, if you think about it.

My girlfriend broke up with me because she says I'm too 'controlling'.

Funny thing is, I don't remember giving her permission to speak.

I bought oats for my horse but they were moldy so I returned them and told the manager he should have better quality control.

He took my feedback.

There's a new men's birth control pill that's about the size of a marble. Don't get discouraged though, you don't have to swallow it or anything, you just put it into your shoe…

And it makes you limp…

statistics of birth control effectiveness

Condoms = 99%

birth control pills =99%

My tinder profile = 100%

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

The kingdoms ...

Did you know that your brain controls all your thoughts?

Really makes you think.

What do you call a parent who denies their child birth control?

Grandparent!

How can you tell your acne is getting out of control?

The blind begin to read your face

A Nigerian Prince has offered to hand over control of his mines to me.

Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger.

A man holding several miniature pigs walks into a bar.

"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?"

The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small.

"Um...barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender ...

The driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig

and ploughed into an empty toll booth, smashing it to pieces. Some time after the driver had reported the damage, he watched as a repair truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers. They picked up each broken piece of the wreckage and spread a creamy substance on it. Then they began fittin...

Russian emergency !

Russian President Putin called President Trump with an emergency:

"Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried.

"My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"

"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within t...

A police officer pulls over a speeding car...

The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.” The driver says, “Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.” Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

6 life lessons

6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, ...

I had a terrible dream of a dystopian future where robots controlled every aspect of our lives.

Luckily, I was awakened by my Tesla.

Two guys go for a job interview

Joey and Frank are good friends who had worked together for over 5 years, but are now between jobs. They decide to go to a hiring agency together. Joey is called in to see the recruiter first, and after about 10 minutes in the room, he comes out elated. "I got the job!". Frank congratulates him and ...

Did you hear Arnold Schwarzenegger and Robert Patrick are starting a pest control business?

I mean, it makes sense, they're ex-terminators after all...

control tower: What are your coordinates?

**me:** I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

**control tower:** can you be more specific?

**me:** Mufasa

Once upon a time, there was a triangular lake.

On each side of this lake there was a kingdom. Kingdom 1 was rich and proud. They showed off their wealth at every corner. Kingdom two was wealthy as well, but was humble about it. Kingdom 3 was in great debt, and was struggling to keep their citizens alive.

One day, the kingdoms started a wa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Control your Woody

Trevor has a dance coming up and he wants to ask out Sally. He would do anything to go with her and he knows she doesn't have a date. The only problem is that whenever he sees her he gets an extremely large boner. Before he asks her, he practices not getting a boner but nothing works. So he decides ...

A guy and his girlfriend are in a sportscar...

...the guy is doing daredevil stunts to impress her.
She turns to him, and says, "If you can go over 150 mph, I'll take off all of my clothes."
The guy obliges, and the car speeds down the road at 175mph, so the girlfriend tears all of her clothes off.

The guy loses control of the car...

A couple fingers, Vaseline, and the grace of God

Not an original joke but hilarious nonetheless. Presented for your enjoyment.


This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his w...

Australian Passport control just asked me if I had a criminal record

Didn't know I still needed one.

The cross-eyed teacher at school got fired today.

He couldn't control his pupils.

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force pl...

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NSFW A man goes to the doctor to get birth control pills for his daughter

Doctor: Oh, is she sexually active?

Man: No, she just lays there like her mom.

How did the app control all of its users?

Karma

100 years after Trump dies, he gets one day back in Earth.

Trump visits a bar and asks for a beer. "So how is it in the middle east?" he asks the bartender.

"Don't worry, we've taken care of it. It's all ours."

"How about China?"

"Nope. Doesn't exist anymore. All ours."

"Europe? Africa? South America?"

"It's all under us,"...

I can't see an end. I have no control and I don't think there's any escape. I don't even have a home anymore.

I think it's time for a new keyboard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man is at passport control in Paris

He is going through his bag for his passport. The woman on passport control asks him 'Have you visited France before?'

'Yes' replied the old man.

Sarcastically she responds 'Well surely you should know to have your passport ready...' to which he answers 'I didn't have to show it last t...

Knock Knock

Q: Who's there?
A: Control Freak.
Q: Con...
A: Okay, now you say, "Control Freak who?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the only bank the jews don't control?

The west one

A man just tried to sell me a speaker with no volume controls.

I couldn't turn it down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A big trip to the mountains with married women and their mothers-in-law was organized. They would go there by separate busses (the women in one bus and the mothers-in-law in another).

During the trip to the mountains, the bus carrying the mothers-in-law had a flat tire. Suddenly the bus driver lost control and the bus fell off the mountain, at least a couple thousand meters downhill. No chance anyone in that bus survived it. Obviously all of the women started cheering up, startin...

A Priest encounters a nun while going to the monastery with his car

He encounters a nun in the side of the road. The priest stops the car and offers to drive the nun to her destination, the nun accepts.

The nun gets in the car. She crosses her legs making her pretty legs to come in sight

While the priest is looking at her legs he nearly crashes. After ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I recently went to get hypnosis therapy for smoking. I was under his control and everything was going great.

Until he stubbed his toe and yelled “fuck me!”

I got fired from my summer job at M&M quality control

I threw out a batch of W's.

I won’t be posting any jokes over the next few days. I've got to revise for a practical exam in pest control.

I'll probably be up all night swatting.

Did you hear about the remote-controlled weather machine China developed?

It takes full control of a blizzard's direction in just a few keystrokes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gandhi

Did you know that Gandhi used to have hot young women sleep naked in his bed with him? The idea was that he could conquer his baser desires and prove his self-control by abstaining from sex with them.

I tried a similar thing by leaving half a box of Double Stuff Oreos on my counter, and I gue...

Did you know that on the way to the Moon the Apollo 11 crew heard rock music coming from outside?

Mission Control confirmed they were passing through the Van Halen belts.

Everything's under control.

This is the worst keyboard ever.

A husband and wife visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone.

The counselor asks her, “You say you’ve been married 20 years. So what seems to be the problem?”

“The wife replies, “It’s my husband. He’s driving me crazy! I’m going to leave him if he continues!”
“How does he drive you crazy?”
“For 20 years,” she says, “he’s been doing these stupid th...

Please send help. I barely hacked onto the internet from China. My country is censoring and controlling us.

Edit: Just kidding. China is a wonderful place. They treat us well and care very much about our human rights. Thank you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mother was in the kitchen listening to her five year old playing with his new train set in the lounge.

She heard the train stop and her son saying "All of You bastards who want off, get off now 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get on now 'cos we're going down the tracks"

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this...

When you have a 'I Hate My Job' day,try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer
section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson

Be very sure you get this brand..

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove t...

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a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

A South American man has died due to stress over COVID-19.

Nobody could control Hispanic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.


The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."


This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed ...

Robert Patrick, an actor best known for playing the T-1000, has left behind the Hollywood life to pursue his dream of owning a pest control business.

He is quoted as saying “I can’t wait to start my new life as an exterminator.”

A horse walked into a bar...

The bartender said “Dear God!”



Animal Control was called shortly thereafter

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what a set up, for a dad joke. it's worth it tho

full disclosure, this isn't my joke, was sent to me


I knew a bloke who was a massive fan of tractors his whole life.

When he was a kid, he didn't have toy cars or posters of lambos on his bedroom wall, he had toy tractors and trailers and posters of the latest John Deeres.

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sexual desires have been getting out of control…

But it wasn’t until I spanked a statue that I knew I’d hit rock bottom…

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kim Jong-un has unfortunately died and the North Korean subordinates gathered for a serious meeting.

After hours of discussion, they decided it'd be best to replace him with a look alike to fool the foreign leaders. A Kim Jong-un look alike contest was organised and the winner was to be selected to rule Korea.

Fliers and posters of the contest was all over North Korea and a majority of the...

With the beauty shop finally open after many weeks, there is a huge crowd of people all jostling for position to get in...

They really need a hair traffic controller.

Did you know there's a word for people who rely on pulling out for birth control?

Parents.

My favorite form of birth control is a condom inside a condom inside a condom...

Contraception

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a woman in the supermarket, struggling to control her kids.

She looked really stressed. Then she accidentally knocked over and smashed a bottle of milk.

She dropped to her knees and burst into tears, surrounded by spilled milk. It reminded me of something my dad used to say to my mum, so I walked over to her and said;

"Get a fucking grip, you s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fire chief goes into a burning house

The fire had just became controllable and was starting to calm down. However, two fire fighters were still inside the building. He went to check on them to see if they were fine.

He finds them both upstairs fucking each other.

"What the hell is this!?" He said

"Well chief, my p...

C V

Sorry, I tried posting a joke but I lost control.

You may think I’m paranoid

But I think diet soda is just another form of pop elation control.

Really drunk people?

3 men entered a taxi. The taxi driver could tell that they were drunk so he started the engine and turned it off. He then proceeded to tell them that they had reached their destination. The first guy gave him the money and the second guy thanked the taxi driver. The third guy suddenly slapped the dr...

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Box under the bed

When Eamonn and Ruth first got married Eamonn said, *“I am a sex addict and I’m putting a box under the bed to help control my addiction. You must promise never to look in it.”*

In all their 30 years of marriage, Ruth never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosit...

Disaster strikes as an airplane loses control and falls in the ocean.

Two friends are watching the news on the accident.

Mike:" Dude, that is terrible."

John:"I don't think it is that terrible."

Mike:"How could you say that?"

John:"Compared to the amount of accidents in the world, it is merely a drop in the ocean."

I got my job at the secret government facility today.

The workplace is separated to three parts, part "C, X and V".


We were told the V section stored the most dangerous weapons on the planet, so we are not allowed to go near it.


I work at Section X, which is the robot studying section, a whole day of programming is hard, so I chat...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Wife is missing.

Husband:

My wife is missing.

She went out yesterday and has not come home...



Sergeant at Police Station:

What is her height?



Husband:

Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.



Sergeant:

Weight?



Husb...

What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD

A trip without the kids.

Not mine found it somewhere

A master smuggler bragged to border control that he was about to start smuggling but they wouldn't be able to catch him.
Soon, he crosses the border on a donkey.
The guards diligently and thoroughly search him and the donkey, but come up empty.
The smuggler smiles and passes.
The...

What do you call it when a group of dogs take over control of a ship?

A muttiny

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Never will you meet a man like Jeff.

Diana told Jeff she hated to be embarrassed. She broke up with every man she embarrassed herself in front of.

After eating at a resturaunt, Diana unexpectedly burped loudly. Before she could even turn red, Jeff burped so loud the dishes rattled.

While sitting in church, Diana farted. B...

What did the boron control rod say to the nuclear core before prematurely exploding ?

Just the tip.

If you have difficulty controlling your temper, it's a bad idea to take a chihuahua for a walk.

Because you're going to need to use a little restraint.

My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"

He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"



*Credit: Gary Delaney.*

What is the similarity between a pilot and an air traffic controller?

If the pilot screws up, the pilot dies. If the air traffic controller screws up, the pilot dies.

A Jewish Atheist sends his son to school.

A Jewish atheist hears that the best school in town happens to be Catholic, so he enrolls his son. Things are going well until one day the boy comes home and says, “I just learned all about the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.” The boy’s father is barely able to control his rage. He grabs his so...

If trump was notified of an alien invasion.

“There’s an alien spacecraft but it’s not on course to earth.”

“Our specialists, they’re very special people, have concluded that this is just an alien spaceship making a simple flyby our solar system”

“The alien ship is getting close to our american soil but there is nothing to worry ...

BREXIT: TAKE BACK CONTROL

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and...

As Covid19 winds down, another virus is spreading like wildfire

Covid19 may be winding down, but a brand new virus, the ID10t virus, is spreading like wildfire.
Symptoms of the ID10t virus include mental and comprehension issues. Symptoms include schitzophasia, a condition where words are misunderstood. A victim may hear or read a words like "baking soda" a...

I won't control what you do on the internet

but Theresa May

TIL that Neopagans love "Safety Dance"

I say, Wiccan dance, Wiccan dance
Everything is out of control
Wiccan dance, Wiccan dance
We're doing it from pole to pole
Wiccan dance, Wiccan dance
Everybody look at your hands
Wiccan dance, Wiccan dance
Everybody's taking the chance

ANGER MANAGEMENT

Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?"

Wife: "I clean the toilet "

Husband: "How does that help?"

Wife: "I use your toothbrush."

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