The 107+ Best Control Jokes

As part of the merger, the PGA will control holes 1-8 and 12-18.

The Saudis do 9-11.

People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and the state controlled national news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.

That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, The United States of America.

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A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese.

His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'

'N...

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An old man is at passport control in Paris

He is going through his bag for his passport. The woman on passport control asks him 'Have you visited France before?'

'Yes' replied the old man.

Sarcastically she responds 'Well surely you should know to have your passport ready...' to which he answers 'I didn't have to show it last t...

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A redneck birth control

After having the 10th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough since they could not afford another kid.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him the he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy th...

I can't see an end. I have no control and I don't think there's any escape. I don't even have a home anymore.

I think it's time for a new keyboard.

I keep seeing the quote on women's tinder profiles, "If I was meant to be controlled I would have come with a remote."

Jokes on them, I've been turning women off for years without a remote.

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A woman goes through border control on her bicycle with two panniers filled with sand.

The border guard was suspicious about it and searched through the sand, but couldn’t find anything hidden, so he had to let her through.

The next day, the same woman passes by, again riding a bike with two bags brimming with bright sand. The guard was still unable to find anything. He felt so...

If a sheep is in control of a country, it will be called

A dictatorsheep

My girlfriend broke up with me because she says I'm too 'controlling'.

Funny thing is, I don't remember giving her permission to speak.

First day as a pilot. Control tower: Can you give me your position? Me: I am next to a cloud that looks like a lion. Control tower: Can you be more specific?

Me: Simba

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My sexual desires have been getting out of control…

But it wasn’t until I spanked a statue that I knew I’d hit rock bottom…

I recently lost my job at NASA Mission Control...

I misheard when someone said "It's lunch time", and sent a rocket up with nobody in it.

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.

But cases continue to rise.

Just watched “Chernobyl”. Turned to my wife and asked if I could put my “Control Rod” into her “RBMK Reactor”

She said no and had a complete meltdown.

What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?

A trip without the kids

I've just invented a telepathically controlled air freshener

Makes scents when you think about it.

I won't control what you do on the internet

but Theresa May

Help! My husband's too controlling!

Edit: No he's not, he's a really nice guy

If the stork is the bird of birth, what's the bird of birth control?

A swallow.

Did you hear about the new birth control pill for men?

You put it in your shoe and it makes you limp.

Needed: people with a lot of self control

for working at a bubble wrap factory.

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It was a sad and disappointing day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe.

Not even remotely.

(I stole this joke from fb and it made my drunk ass laugh out loud so I wanted to share but I'm sorry if it's a repost)

What do Germans use for birth control?

Their sense of humor

Some couple was getting a little frisky behind the wheel of an Altima on a slick street, lost control and went slightly off the road, hit a tree with the front end and needed to call an ambulance and roadside assistance.

A classic case of Head, Shoulder, Nissan Tows, Ice, ERs, Mouth and Nose.

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A man goes to his doctor and says, “My wife masturbates at least 20 times a day. She’s out of control!"

"Never sex with me, only her vibrator. What’s wrong with her? What do you even call that?"

Doctor: “A dick shun”

Knock knock. Who's there? Control freak.

Right as they start to say "control freak who?" You quickly cut them off and say "next you're supposed to say control freak who!"

When I first saw an universal remote control...

I thought to myself: "Well... This changes everything"

What's the best form of birth control after 50?

Nudity

I called Animal control Welfare today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods with a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force pl...

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I had a problem with my computer yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fi...

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Redneck birth control

So Cletus decided 9 kids was enough since there was no more room on their bed, so off he went to the local vet.

He told the vet he and his cousin were through with having kids, and asked to be snipped. "The way I see it" - said the vet - "You have one of two choices. You can either get a vas...

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I saw a woman in the supermarket, struggling to control her kids.

She looked really stressed. Then she accidentally knocked over and smashed a bottle of milk.

She dropped to her knees and burst into tears, surrounded by spilled milk. It reminded me of something my dad used to say to my mum, so I walked over to her and said;

"Get a fucking grip, you s...

Did you all hear about the mind controlled air-freshener that Febreze is developing?

It's a bit crazy, but it makes scents when you think about it.

My favorite form of birth control is a condom inside a condom inside a condom...

Contraception

Left a review for my pest control company:

Con's: The pesticide they used made me go blind

Pro's: Haven't seen a bug all year

For all the control system people, why did a plane travelling to Poland crash?

Because the Poles were on the right hand side

After Arnold Schwarzenegger quit the acting world, he should have started a pest control service

He is an ex-Terminator, after all.

"This is Mission Control speaking, it appears the center of ISS has been critically damaged, is that true?"

"Core wrecked".

At first I didn’t understand how to use my mind-controlled air freshener

But after thinking about it for a while, it finally made scents.

I have absolute proof the Covid vaccine isn’t Bill Gates’ way to control us.

My husband had the vaccination yesterday and he still hates Microsoft Teams.

Angela Merkel arrives at the Passport Control at the Charles de Gaulle airport, Paris.

"Nationality ? " asks the immigration officer. "German," she replies. "Occupation?" "No, just here for a few days."

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My wife and I use the pull-out method for birth control ....

we pull out our phones and ignore each other all night.

The driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig

and ploughed into an empty toll booth, smashing it to pieces. Some time after the driver had reported the damage, he watched as a repair truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers. They picked up each broken piece of the wreckage and spread a creamy substance on it. Then they began fittin...

Why do the Amish use birth control?

To stop the spread of Abes.

Once there was a great battle between a wizard who could control the future and a wizard who could control the past

Once there was a great battle between a wizard who could control the future and a wizard who could control the past.

It was intense.

My remote control batteries died out today.

So I gave them away, free of charge.

Inflation is out of control

That's just my $5 bucks.

You know who opposes Matthew Mcconaughey's gun control efforts?

The alt-right, alt-right, alt-right!

Putin is going through passport control.

He’s asked:
- “Final destination?”
- “Kiev”
- “Occupation?”
- “yes”

What do you call couples that use the rhythm method as their preferred form of birth control?

Parents

Irish Birth Control

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' To ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan? And didn't I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'A...

My girlfriend told me she was on birth control but it wasn’t true.

Turns out she’s dyslexic and got a DUI.

I have powerful mind control abilities

I can, over unlimited distances, make people experience the feeling of my choice.

I'm using it on you right now.

I am making you feel...

I am making you feel...

Skeptical!

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The organs of the body are trying to decide who should be in charge, the brain says 'I control all the information to and from the body, I'm the obvious choice' the lungs say 'well you can't do any of that without me, so I should lead' finally the rectum says 'I do waste disposal, I should lead' ...

All the other organs laugh at the rectum, in protest the rectum tightens right up. Soon the lungs and brain feel awful and are struggling to work, as are all the other organs, to appease the rectum they name it in charge.

Moral of the story is, the arsehole is always in charge.

A lion trainer had the cats under such control, they could take a lump of sugar from her lips on command.

When a man sitting in the back row yelled - I can do that, the owner came and asked him to try.

The man replied - Certainly, but first, get those lions out of there.

did you hear about the remote control that went to jail.

apparently he was charged with battery

Control system theory joke

As Polish airline is flying into New York City, the captain announces over the address system, “for those of you on the right side of the aircraft, you can see the Statue of Liberty out your window.“

Immediately everyone in the seats on the left crowded into the right side, leaning over the o...

Ukrainian pest control

A Ukrainian and a German are sitting in a bar in Hamelin, the Ukrainian asks if the legend of the pied piper is true. The German says, “not quite” and pull a small mouse out of his pocket. The mouse begins to whistle and march in circles. Rats and mice come out of the all the nooks and crevices in t...

We really need to get Omicron under control before it mutates

Because the next Greek letter is Pi and you know how long that goes on

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A woman was having an affair with an inspector from a pest-control company.

One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to the lover, “into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom di...

Cruise Control

*Author's note: I just came up with this while working my tech-related job, and I'm posting from my phone. I apologize if the joke just isn't as funny as I think it is, or if there are any formatting mistakes.*

A cruise ship is swept up in a violent tropical storm, throwing it off-course. The...

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German air traffic controllers

The German air traffic controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that a Pan Am 747 listened to the following exchange betwee...

I became best friends with my artificially intelligent remote control quadcopter named "ROTOR".

He is my **pal** n **drone**.

What is the controlling design factor for the ceiling of a study room?

The attention span.

what is the happiest part of a gaming controller?

The Joystick

My wife and I were arguing about who has better self control. "Clearly me," she says, "For example. I put a candy bar on my desk on Monday and it hasn't moved an inch"

"That's nothing!" I retorted. "All six times I ate it I put a new candy bar on your desk exactly where you left it."

My addiction to Helium is out of control, but...

no one is taking my cries for help seriously.

My doctor says I can’t get birth control

It’s been a real pain in the ass

Please help, I think someone is able to control my computer and type instead of me.

Actually you know what, I don't think that, that's absurd, nevermind.

An airliner is in the middle of its flight when pilot is contacted by air control

"Delta 627, you need to reduce your altitude 5.000 feet." "What for?" is the pilot skeptical. "Noise avoidance." responds the controller. "Noise? What noise? We are at 35.000 feet, what noise could there be?" responds our pilot, now curious. So the air controller humours him: "Have you ever heard ho...

What did the stubborn eggs say to the birth control?

"You cant de-fetus!"

Why can't a pulsar be observed by any computer controlled optical telescope?

Video killed the radio star.

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Redneck birth control

A man and a woman from Alabama don't want any more children because they already have 11. So the husband goes to a doctor in Ohio.

The doctor asks, "What state are you from?

The man says "Alabama." The doctor tells him to go home, put a lit cherry bomb in an empty soda can, hold it in...

I’m on this great new drug to control my Tourette Syndrome.

I swear by it.

My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"

He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"

*Credit: Gary Delaney.*

Overweight guy goes to the doctor for some weight control help

Doctor gives him an Rx for 100 diet pills with the following instructions

Every morning, dump the pills all over the floor and bend down to pick them up, one at a time..

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I know a hypnotist who could control the whole audience.

He'd enter the room, say 'sleep' and everyone would fall asleep.
He'd say ''laugh'', the audience would burst out laughing.

One day, he entered the room where he would make his show as usual, but tripped in the stairs; and yelled ''shit''!

The room took three hours to clean.

Jeez, that Comedy Festival at the beer factory really got out of control...

What a Brew Haha

The man who invented the remote control has died age 96.

He was found down the back of the sofa.

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NSFW A man goes to the doctor to get birth control pills for his daughter

Doctor: Oh, is she sexually active?

Man: No, she just lays there like her mom.

My wife told me my drinking has been out of control lately.

I said "Honey, don't be dramatic. I don't even remember the last time I blacked out."

What do those who beg for other people's money while trying to control them call each other?

Public servants.

I accidentally took my birth control pill twice yesterday

and when I woke up this morning, one of my kids was gone.

Had to get castrated today for birth control reasons. I paid so much and they didn't even use scissors.

It was a rip-off.

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What do you call a secret cabal of strippers who surreptitiously control the adult entertainment industry?

The Illumi-naughty

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That new program on netflix about subliminal persuasion and mind control is a load of boring shit.

Turned it off after just five seasons.

A control freak has 5 kids, how many of them does it take to change a light bulb?

There's no point in trying, none of them can change anything.

What did the Priest say to the pest control people?

Let's spray.

A man finds himself in a house fire that he can't control, so he calls 911 and says...

\- Help me, my house is on fire!

\- Alright, calm down and we'll see if we can help you. Have you tried to do anything to stop it on your own?

\- Yes, I've tried pouring some water on it.

\- Alright, but if that didn't help there's no point for us coming there either. We would h...

What did God say to Saint Peter, when giving him control of the weather?

You have free rain!

(had this idea in the shower, so it's technically a shower thought?)

Why are artists so good at self control?

Because they always know where to draw the line.

The cruel god cursed his creations with dyslexia, but nothing happened since they could do no wrong while fully under his control.

So he gave all of them free will – and the first thing his creations did was deicide.

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Mind Control

In a small town, people became increasingly unhappy with the mayor's administration. Sensing the people's disgruntlement, the mayor started to get worried about his post. He called for the council meeting to address this growing problem. The council agreed that it's mostly because people are not obe...

Scientists have found that sunblock is actually 50% effective as birth control

Because it only blocks the sons

Controlling probability is the best super power

And I think there's a big chance that you'll agree

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I hate my job, quality control at the strobe-light factory.

I'm busy working like a cunt, and everyone else is just fucking standing still.

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An aircraft control tower suddenly last communication with a small twin engine aircraft

A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone!
He yelled,Mayday, mayday!
The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack! I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and h...

Please send help. I barely hacked onto the internet from China. My country is censoring and controlling us.

Edit: Just kidding. China is a wonderful place. They treat us well and care very much about our human rights. Thank you.

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What do you call a horny emo who practices self-control?

An edgelord

If Sarah Connor needed pest control...

She can call an Ex-Terminator

Did you hear about the coronavirus infection rate spiralling out of control in the Irish capital?

It's Dublin.

What do you call someone who is so afraid of nature, that they do everything to try and control it?

An organic chicken.

I can control sheep by just listening to them

It's true, I heard them with my own ears

At the border controls between the US and Mexico two U.S. border agents discover a hanged suicide on a tree just before closing time.

"If we report this, we won't be home in four hours," says one.

"You know what?" says the other, "we'll just hang him over to the Mexicans and call it a day!" No sooner said than done.

A short time later, two Mexican border guards come by. One of them says in amazement, "Now he's hang...

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NSFW Birth control honey at a farmers market

Vendor standing around trying to move his honey at a farmers market. Another salesman walks by and offers his assistance to the Farmer. Farmer decides to let the salesman do his thing.

Salesman starts yelling: "WE GOT REAL HONEY! ALL NATURAL, FRESH AND ITS A BIRTH CONTROL, YOU ARE GURANTEED N...

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