On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force pl...

I can't see an end. I have no control and I don't think there's any escape. I don't even have a home anymore.

I think it's time for a new keyboard.

What did the boron control rod say to the nuclear core before prematurely exploding ?

Just the tip.

I got fired from my summer job at M&M quality control

I threw out a batch of W's.

Controlling probability is the best super power

And I think there's a big chance that you'll agree

Pull out and pray isn't just my preferred method of birth control

It's also how i use my debit card

What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD

A trip without the kids.

I wanted to attend the seminar on vomit control.

Unfortunately, something came up.

An astronaut was trying to communicate with the control room but the connection kept breaking up.

Annoyed, he yelled out "What on Earth are you talking about?".

Bought a universal remote controller the other day and i was very disappointed that it did not in fact control the universe.

Not even remotely.

Sorry I called animal control about your children...

...but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.

My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"

He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"



*Credit: Gary Delaney.*

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I saw a woman in the supermarket, struggling to control her kids.

She looked really stressed. Then she accidentally knocked over and smashed a bottle of milk.

She dropped to her knees and burst into tears, surrounded by spilled milk. It reminded me of something my dad used to say to my mum, so I walked over to her and said;

"Get a fucking grip, you s...

Arnold Schwarzenegger is going into the pest control business.

He's the ex-terminator.

When I first saw an universal remote control...

I thought to myself: "Well... This changes everything"

What do you call it when a socialist teacher can't control his students

Class struggle

My favorite form of birth control is a condom inside a condom inside a condom...

Contraception

BREXIT: TAKE BACK CONTROL

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and...

If a stork is the bird of birth, what’s the bird of birth control?

A swallow

He who controls the router...

...rules the LAN

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An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication

with a small twin engine aircraft.A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cell phone.

He yelled, "Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his...

An Israeli lands in New Delhi Airport. Reaches the passport control

-Name?
-David Cohen
-Age?
-32
-Occupation?
-No, just sightseeing... For now

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An old man is at passport control in Paris

He is going through his bag for his passport. The woman on passport control asks him 'Have you visited France before?'

'Yes' replied the old man.

Sarcastically she responds 'Well surely you should know to have your passport ready...' to which he answers 'I didn't have to show it last t...

People give anti-vaxxers a hard time, but they gave us one important thing...

A control group for our studies confirming that vaccines do not cause autism.

My girlfriend told me I have control issues...

So I pulled tighter on her leash.

I’ve been in the BDSM scene for a while. Recently, I developed feelings for a girl that wanted me to control her. She was amazing...

She was definitely a r/subifellfor

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My sexual desires have been getting out of control…

But it wasn’t until I spanked a statue that I knew I’d hit rock bottom…

A German goes on holiday to France. He gets to passport control and the woman asks "Occupation?"

"No, just visiting." Said the guy.

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My friends and I experimented with sex and drugs when we were in high school.

I was the control group.

This Zamboni operator skidded out of control into our Dungeons & Dragons meeting

Why he be all slidin into my DMs

What should the name of the first male birth control gel be?

Sonblock.

they say that antibiotics prevent birth control from working

I don't know, I've taken antibiotics before and my personality still did its usual job

Before I met my girlfriend I was out of control. I was wild and always getting shocked by static electricity. But not anymore...

She really keeps me grounded.

The man who invented the television remote control passed away today

They found him at home between the couch cushions.

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I once tried to control a nation by simply walking around with a vegetable on the end of my penis...

I learned this trick from other dick taters.

V

Sorry lost control there

Did you hear about the new male birth control pill?

You take it the next day....it changes your blood type.

A German traveling to Poland stops at a Polish Border Security Point.

Polish Border Control Officer: "Nationality?" German: "German" Polish Boder Control Officer: "Occupation?" German: "No, just visiting"

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I was having a conversation with a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

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A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?" Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted,...

The Terminator got sick of chasing Sarah Connor, so he started a pest control company.

He became an exterminator.

Angela Merkel arrives at the Passport Control at the Charles de Gaulle airport, Paris.

"Nationality ? " asks the immigration officer. "German," she replies. "Occupation?" "No, just here for a few days."

People often tell me I have no willpower or self-control

Rubbish I say. I've quit smoking loads of times

What did the optimist say after losing control on the left half of his body?

I'm all-right

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I had a problem with my computer yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."


I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fi...

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Researchers have developed a groundbreaking new birth control gel for men

How it works is the man applies the gel for about two minutes and then realizes he no longer needs sex.

I won't control what you do on the internet

but Theresa May

A driver loses control of her car, sliding towards a concrete wall...

At the last moment, the companion on the front seat pulls the handbrake. The car turns around and stops inches from the wall.

The pale passengers from the backseats start to cheer their savior.

-Ah, no, honestly, you don't need to thank me. I'm not a driver! I'm a fighter-jet pilot, an...

What do you call people whose birth control method is pulling out?

Parents

We don’t need gun control!

Their hasn’t been a school shooting in like at least a month

What does a mama bear on birth control have in common with the world series?

No cubs

Birth Control

A doctor who had been seeing a 70-year-old grandmother for most of her life finally retired.

At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized
she ha...

If One Had The Ability To Control Bacteria...

That would be pretty sick

Why couldn't the man 3D printing his face control his excitement?

He was getting a head of himself

How do they do quality control at the Tickle-Me-Elmo factory?

They give each doll two test tickles.

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Two Submarines in the Atlantic

One day in the Atlantic, two subs surface next to each other. Out of one, an ancient Soviet rustbucket, emerges a rowdy crew that is clearly drunk. On the other, a sleek American sub, cleancut American crewmen stand at attention.

The heavily-bearded Soviet captain begins screaming at his men:...

The newest form of birth control is putting a rock in one shoe...

...It makes you limp.

A Brit lands in Sydney, and is awaiting passport control

His turn comes and he steps to the agent.

The agent asks his name, and the Brit gives it.

The agent asks his occupation, and the Brit gives it.

The agent asks, “Have you ever been convicted of a crime?"

The Brit responds, “Right, so that's still a requirement?"

Me and the wife love Skunks and decided to smuggle one home but had to get past border control, the wife says how we going to do this? I said put it down your panties, she said what about the smell?

I said, well if it dies it dies...

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Birth control alternatives

A husband and wife walk into a doctors office looking for alternative options for birth control as the pill is quite hormoney and the husband is allergic to latex.

They ask the doctor "we've been thinking about exclusively practising anal sex, surely there's no pregnancy risk there!"

D...

After installing a personal budget control app, I saw how much money I spend on beer every month. This opened my eyes. Clearly, I shouldn't do this anymore.

I deleted the app.

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A bear climbs up a tree in a man's backyard and won't get down so he calls animal control...

An animal control van pulls up and a man steps out with a pitbull by his side. He comes up to the owner, hands him a semi-automatic rifle and says: "Here is the plan, I climb up the tree and start shaking it, when the bear falls out, my pitbull Fluffy here will bite him by the balls and drag him bac...

Air traffic control - Flight 417, please confirm your location, over

Pilot - This is Flight 417, we are in the sky, over

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Q. Have you heard about the new mint-flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex?

A. They’re called “Predick-a-mints.”

Have you heard about the new movie set in a post apocalyptic world where the proletariat control the means of production?

They're calling it Mad Marx

Perfect solution to make the Right want gun control...

Rename schools to uteruses so they’ll care about kids dying there.

A woman came into the police station sobbing. "A ghost has taken control of my husband" she cried.

The officer took her statement and conferred with his partner. He turned back to the woman and said confidently, "Dont worry about it, we deal with this kind of thing all the time, possession is 9/10ths of the law."

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An Arkansas man takes his 12 year-old daughter to the doctor to get her on birth control

The doctor then asks the man, “ Your 12 year-old daughter is sexually active!?”

The man replies, “No, she’s like her mother. She just lays there.”

What did the air conditioner say to its remote control?

You turn me on.

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A blonde went to the doctor for birth control...

The doctor asked the customary question, "Are you sexually active?" The blonde responded, "Nope." So the doctor asked, "Well, what do you need birth control for? Heavy period?" The blonde responded, "No, I don't want to get pregnant!"

Puzzled, the doctor clarified, "I thought you said you wer...

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