What do engineers use as birth control?

Their personalities.

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control

I thought to myself... "Well this changes everything!"

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I was talking to a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

I keep seeing the quote on women's tinder profiles, "If I was meant to be controlled I would have come with a remote."

Jokes on them, I've been turning women off for years without a remote.

I bought oats for my horse but they were moldy so I returned them and told the manager he should have better quality control.

He took my feedback.

statistics of birth control effectiveness

Condoms = 99%

birth control pills =99%

My tinder profile = 100%

I don't know where home is, I have no escape, and I've lost control.

Damn, I've got to replace this keyboard

Did you know that your brain controls all your thoughts?

Really makes you think.

Just invented a thought controlled air-freshener.

It makes scents, if you think about it.

How can you tell your acne is getting out of control?

The blind begin to read your face

My girlfriend broke up with me because she says I'm too 'controlling'.

Funny thing is, I don't remember giving her permission to speak.

What do you call a parent who denies their child birth control?

Grandparent!

My cocaine addiction has grown out of control recently, so I decided to draw the line....

And then I snorted it.

A Nigerian Prince has offered to hand over control of his mines to me.

Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger.

control tower: What are your coordinates?

**me:** I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

**control tower:** can you be more specific?

**me:** Mufasa

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6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

An elderly man said he’s not sad he’s been looking for the TV remote control for the past two hours while it was in his hand.

He’s sad because he used it to turn down the volume while trying to focus on searching for it.

I had a terrible dream of a dystopian future where robots controlled every aspect of our lives.

Luckily, I was awakened by my Tesla.

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Control your Woody

Trevor has a dance coming up and he wants to ask out Sally. He would do anything to go with her and he knows she doesn't have a date. The only problem is that whenever he sees her he gets an extremely large boner. Before he asks her, he practices not getting a boner but nothing works. So he decides ...

Australian Passport control just asked me if I had a criminal record

Didn't know I still needed one.

The driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig

and ploughed into an empty toll booth, smashing it to pieces. Some time after the driver had reported the damage, he watched as a repair truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers. They picked up each broken piece of the wreckage and spread a creamy substance on it. Then they began fittin...

A husband and wife visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone.

The counselor asks her, “You say you’ve been married 20 years. So what seems to be the problem?”

“The wife replies, “It’s my husband. He’s driving me crazy! I’m going to leave him if he continues!”
“How does he drive you crazy?”
“For 20 years,” she says, “he’s been doing these stupid th...

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Gandhi

Did you know that Gandhi used to have hot young women sleep naked in his bed with him? The idea was that he could conquer his baser desires and prove his self-control by abstaining from sex with them.

I tried a similar thing by leaving half a box of Double Stuff Oreos on my counter, and I gue...

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a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

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A mother was in the kitchen listening to her five year old playing with his new train set in the lounge.

She heard the train stop and her son saying "All of You bastards who want off, get off now 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get on now 'cos we're going down the tracks"

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this...

A South American man has died due to stress over COVID-19.

Nobody could control Hispanic.

According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse/half human doctor.

This makes him the centaur for disease control.

A man just tried to sell me a speaker with no volume controls.

I couldn't turn it down.

How did the app control all of its users?

Karma

Those of you who aint doing the No Nut November Challenge this year, you lack self control and discipline

You are nuttin

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NSFW

### NSFW A man goes to the doctor to get birth control pills for his daughter

Doctor: Oh, is she sexually active?


Man: No, she just lays there like her mom

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What's the only bank the jews don't control?

The west one

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force pl...

Did you hear that Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to quit acting and is going into pest control?

He's an ex-terminator.

I won’t be posting any jokes over the next few days. I've got to revise for a practical exam in pest control.

I'll probably be up all night swatting.

A Jewish Atheist sends his son to school.

A Jewish atheist hears that the best school in town happens to be Catholic, so he enrolls his son. Things are going well until one day the boy comes home and says, “I just learned all about the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.” The boy’s father is barely able to control his rage. He grabs his so...

I can't see an end. I have no control and I don't think there's any escape. I don't even have a home anymore.

I think it's time for a new keyboard.

Did you hear about the remote-controlled weather machine China developed?

It takes full control of a blizzard's direction in just a few keystrokes.

I got fired from my summer job at M&M quality control

I threw out a batch of W's.

Farting in bed

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husbands habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would ple...

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I recently went to get hypnosis therapy for smoking. I was under his control and everything was going great.

Until he stubbed his toe and yelled “fuck me!”

"Ladies and gentlemen, we will begin our descent soon," the Scottish pilot announced, as he took a hit and passed the joint to his copilot.

The copilot shakes his head. "Look, I'm not gonna rat you out to air traffic control," he says. "But please, *please* stop asking me to call you 'The Highlander.'"

Everything's under control.

This is the worst keyboard ever.

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One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.


The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."


This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed ...

Robert Patrick, an actor best known for playing the T-1000, has left behind the Hollywood life to pursue his dream of owning a pest control business.

He is quoted as saying “I can’t wait to start my new life as an exterminator.”

Please send help. I barely hacked onto the internet from China. My country is censoring and controlling us.

Edit: Just kidding. China is a wonderful place. They treat us well and care very much about our human rights. Thank you.

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Men vs gorilla

Married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure.

Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior?

Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts 2 it & see how horny it gets just as men do.'
r&...

A Chinese guy and an Englishman walk into a bar.

Over the next hour, the Englishman drinks a lot of alcohol and goes out of control. He begins to scream cuss words and annoy everyone in the bar.

Just as the bartender is planning to throw him out, the Chinese guy says,

"Hi, sorry for bad English"

Controlling probability is the best super power

And I think there's a big chance that you'll agree

Did you know there's a word for people who rely on pulling out for birth control?

Parents.

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An old man is at passport control in Paris

He is going through his bag for his passport. The woman on passport control asks him 'Have you visited France before?'

'Yes' replied the old man.

Sarcastically she responds 'Well surely you should know to have your passport ready...' to which he answers 'I didn't have to show it last t...

There's a new men's birth control pill that's about the size of a marble. Don't get discouraged though, you don't have to swallow it or anything, you just put it into your shoe…

And it makes you limp…

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a Woman was pregnant with triplets...

A woman pregnant with triplets walked into a bank, and then a robber pulled out a gun, and started to shoot the people inside to control the crowd. the woman got hit 3 times and she was moved to the hospital really quickly after the event had been cleared.

The ultrasound check confirmed that...

Disaster strikes as an airplane loses control and falls in the ocean.

Two friends are watching the news on the accident.

Mike:" Dude, that is terrible."

John:"I don't think it is that terrible."

Mike:"How could you say that?"

John:"Compared to the amount of accidents in the world, it is merely a drop in the ocean."

The bad train driver

A train driver got bored during his work so decided to see how fast his train went, it went so fast the track broke and he killed someone. He got sent to court and given the death penalty by electric chair. For his final meal he chose to have a banana. He sat in the chair and the switch was flipped ...

If you have difficulty controlling your temper, it's a bad idea to take a chihuahua for a walk.

Because you're going to need to use a little restraint.

The Peanut

Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth.

As the couple takes in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second and a peanut goes into his ear.

He tries to get it...

What do you call it when a group of dogs take over control of a ship?

A muttiny

What do you get when you cross a human being with a horrendous reality?

Suffering. You get suffering.

This isn't a joke, if you procreate you are gambling with someone else's wellbeing .

It doesn't matter how happy you may be, immense suffering exists.

Procreation inherently imposes a possibility of it occuring to the offspring, and it's beyond you...

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Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife

Very Long Read:

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversa...

What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD

A trip without the kids.

My favorite form of birth control is a condom inside a condom inside a condom...

Contraception

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God on butts...

God: let's make them poop and fart from the same orifice

Angels: how will they control what happens when?

God: make it work seamlessly like 95% of the time

Angels: and the other 5%?

God: tell them I work in mysterious ways

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I saw a woman in the supermarket, struggling to control her kids.

She looked really stressed. Then she accidentally knocked over and smashed a bottle of milk.

She dropped to her knees and burst into tears, surrounded by spilled milk. It reminded me of something my dad used to say to my mum, so I walked over to her and said;

"Get a fucking grip, you s...

What did the boron control rod say to the nuclear core before prematurely exploding ?

Just the tip.

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The woman with the tattooed chest

There was a woman with a very vain boyfriend, so for his birthday, she decided to have a portrait of his face tattooed on her left breast.

The guy is very happy, but a few months later they break it of.

The next guy is a very jealous type, and to stop his complains about her ex face on...

bear on cabin

so a man wakes up and goes out to his porch, he freaks out because his sees a bear sitting on top of his cabin. he goes inside and calls animal control. a little while passes and van shows up. Out steps a man and an mean old looking pitbull. the man point out the bear to the animal control guy and h...

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The Boss Of The Body (not mine)

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.

The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We s...

What is the similarity between a pilot and an air traffic controller?

If the pilot screws up, the pilot dies. If the air traffic controller screws up, the pilot dies.

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3 Quick Ones

Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorr...

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My sexual desires have been getting out of control…

But it wasn’t until I spanked a statue that I knew I’d hit rock bottom…

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Sex lesson

An alternate phrase for the pull out method of birth control is “debone”.
It’s not very effective so it’s bad to debone.

My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"

He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"



*Credit: Gary Delaney.*

BREXIT: TAKE BACK CONTROL

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and...

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Dear Tech Support...

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance - particularly in the flower and jewelry applications,which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 then uninstalled many other val...

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Fiat vs Ferrari

So on a nice and sunny Sunday afternoon Jim is taking his LaFerrari for a Spin on the Highway. Driving along for a while when Jim spots a broken down Car on the side of the road, apparently having some issues. As Jim is passing he realizes the Car is a Old Fiat 500.

Chuckling to Himself abou...

Sorry I called animal control about your children...

...but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher?

He couldn't control his pupils.

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides.

The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuab...

A 22 year old man is searching for himself after college

He decides to take a trip around the world with the money he’s saved up over the years. After traveling through Europe, Asia, the Americas and Africa he lands himself in Egypt.

In Egypt he rents a jeep and sets off to explore the desert. However, he realizes that he is lost. He becomes exhaus...

If a stork is the bird of birth, what’s the bird of birth control?

A swallow

Pull out and pray isn't just my preferred method of birth control

It's also how i use my debit card

I lost my tv controller somewhere

It's in some remote location

Life keeps getting worse. Last night a thief stole the bottom left key off my laptop.

It feels like I'm losing control.

A man rushes to the emergency room with no apparent problems.

Man: Doctor, doctor! I always feel an itch somewhere on my body.

Doctor: Anything else?

Man: Yes, my tongue is sitting uncomfortably in my mouth, I have to control my blinking, and I can't get my pants to sit comfortably on my waist!

Doctor: Well, at least you aren't breathing m...

What do you call a mind controlling failure of a phone??

A tele-pathetic

I wanted to attend the seminar on vomit control.

Unfortunately, something came up.

I heard a story once about an American train driver.

He was operating a late night train and feel asleep at the controls. He ended up failing to recognize a stop sign and as a result his train hit a person and killed them immediately. He was tried for manslaughter and sentenced to the electric chair. Just before being put in the chair, he was given th...

A German tourist comes to France

...a border control asks him

"Occupation?"

German: No just visiting.

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A young passenger tapped cab driver on the shoulder to hand him the money

Cab driver screamed; lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the cab driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."...

An astronaut was trying to communicate with the control room but the connection kept breaking up.

Annoyed, he yelled out "What on Earth are you talking about?".

Knock! Knock!

-Who’s there?

-Control freak

-Con...

-Okay, now you said, “Control freak who?”

I stopped a woman from being kidnapped today

My self control is really improving

My late Grandpa's favorite joke..

A man is driving down a long, country road and comes across an area that opens up into fields.

He pulls over at the first driveway he sees to stretch his legs and sees a farmer leaning against a fence post. The farmer is staring off into the field and is watching two children running around a...

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An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication

with a small twin engine aircraft.A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cell phone.

He yelled, "Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his...

I won't control what you do on the internet

but Theresa May

I’ve been in the BDSM scene for a while. Recently, I developed feelings for a girl that wanted me to control her. She was amazing...

She was definitely a r/subifellfor

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Today hasn't been the greatest.

I got the chance to go horse back riding, something I haven't done in a while. Big mistake. I got on the horse and started out slowly, but I got cocky. So we started going a little faster and before I knew it, we were going as fast as the horse could go. And when I tried to stop the horse, I couldn'...

Did you know that banana peel is supposed to be put under the controlled substance act?

It can give you bad trips.

Elderly Woman

“An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."


Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you ha...

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SATAN: I need more ideas on how to torture people

**DEMON:** Tell them they're gonna watch *Speed* and put on *Speed 2: cruise control* instead

**SATAN:** What the fuck Morris, I love that.

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A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson.

He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy."

Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say: "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and ...

Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home ...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really ...

What should the name of the first male birth control gel be?

Sonblock.

What do you call it when a socialist teacher can't control his students

Class struggle

With the announcement that gel is being used by men as a form of birth control has many women upset

It must be a tough pill for them to swallow

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Guy comes home from his job at the pickle factory

He says to his wife “i need to talk to you about something that happened at work”
Wife - “ok, what’s up?”
Husband - “well lately at work I’ve been having this compulsion, an almost uncontrollable need to put my penis in the pickle slicer.”
Wife - “ My god! Are you crazy? Don’t do it!”
H...

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Ever heard about the guy who had a fetish for broken buttons on video game controllers?

He got off to a bad start.

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