UPJOKE
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An old man is at passport control in Paris

He is going through his bag for his passport. The woman on passport control asks him 'Have you visited France before?'

'Yes' replied the old man.

Sarcastically she responds 'Well surely you should know to have your passport ready...' to which he answers 'I didn't have to show it last t...

Birth control in an African Village

The great white doctor comes to an impoverished African village where he sees several young mothers either pregnant or with several small kids in tow, all showing signs of malnourishment. On inquiry through an interpreter, he learned that the chief was a rather amorous character and all the ladies a...

My girlfriend broke up with me because she says I'm too 'controlling'.

Funny thing is, I don't remember giving her permission to speak.

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A redneck birth control

After having the 10th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough since they could not afford another kid.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him the he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy th...

As part of the merger, the PGA will control holes 1-8 and 12-18.

The Saudis do 9-11.

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A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese.

His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'

'N...

I keep seeing the quote on women's tinder profiles, "If I was meant to be controlled I would have come with a remote."

Jokes on them, I've been turning women off for years without a remote.

What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?

A trip without the kids

I can’t see an end, I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape – I don’t even have a home anymore...

I think it's time for a new keyboard.

I won't control what you do on the internet

but Theresa May

People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and the state controlled national news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.

That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, The United States of America.

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My sexual desires have been getting out of control…

But it wasn’t until I spanked a statue that I knew I’d hit rock bottom…

Help! My husband's too controlling!

Edit: No he's not, he's a really nice guy

I recently lost my job at NASA Mission Control...

I misheard when someone said "It's lunch time", and sent a rocket up with nobody in it.

I've just invented a telepathically controlled air freshener

Makes scents when you think about it.

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It was a sad and disappointing day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe.

Not even remotely.

(I stole this joke from fb and it made my drunk ass laugh out loud so I wanted to share but I'm sorry if it's a repost)

What's a redditor's most effective birth control?

Their personality

If a sheep is in control of a country, it will be called

A dictatorsheep

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A woman goes through border control on her bicycle with two panniers filled with sand.

The border guard was suspicious about it and searched through the sand, but couldn’t find anything hidden, so he had to let her through.

The next day, the same woman passes by, again riding a bike with two bags brimming with bright sand. The guard was still unable to find anything. He felt so...

What do Germans use for birth control?

Their sense of humor

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control.

I thought to myself, "Well, this changes everything"

First day as a pilot. Control tower: Can you give me your position? Me: I am next to a cloud that looks like a lion. Control tower: Can you be more specific?

Me: Simba

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.

But cases continue to rise.

Needed: people with a lot of self control

for working at a bubble wrap factory.

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Redneck birth control

So Cletus decided 9 kids was enough since there was no more room on their bed, so off he went to the local vet.

He told the vet he and his cousin were through with having kids, and asked to be snipped. "The way I see it" - said the vet - "You have one of two choices. You can either get a vas...

Knock knock. Who's there? Control freak.

Right as they start to say "control freak who?" You quickly cut them off and say "next you're supposed to say control freak who!"

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I saw a woman in the supermarket, struggling to control her kids.

She looked really stressed. Then she accidentally knocked over and smashed a bottle of milk.

She dropped to her knees and burst into tears, surrounded by spilled milk. It reminded me of something my dad used to say to my mum, so I walked over to her and said;

"Get a fucking grip, you s...

I have the best job in the pest control company.

I am the master baiter

My wife tells me my conspiracy theory obsession is getting out of control..

I wonder how much the government paid her to say that.

Did you hear about the new male birth control pill?

You take it the next day....it changes your blood type.

Just watched “Chernobyl”. Turned to my wife and asked if I could put my “Control Rod” into her “RBMK Reactor”

She said no and had a complete meltdown.

Irish Birth Control

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' To ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan? And didn't I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'A...

What's the best form of birth control after 50?

Nudity

Cruise Control

*Author's note: I just came up with this while working my tech-related job, and I'm posting from my phone. I apologize if the joke just isn't as funny as I think it is, or if there are any formatting mistakes.*

A cruise ship is swept up in a violent tropical storm, throwing it off-course. The...

Why do the Amish use birth control?

To stop the spread of Abes.

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German air traffic controllers

The German air traffic controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that a Pan Am 747 listened to the following exchange betwee...

What do you call a wizard that can only control lizards?

Salamancer.

Ha.

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I had a problem with my computer yesterday...

So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
...

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Q. Have you heard about the new mint-flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex?

A. They’re called “Predick-a-mints.”

Inflation is out of control

That's just my $5 bucks.

Control system theory joke

As Polish airline is flying into New York City, the captain announces over the address system, “for those of you on the right side of the aircraft, you can see the Statue of Liberty out your window.“

Immediately everyone in the seats on the left crowded into the right side, leaning over the o...

Once there was a great battle between a wizard who could control the future and a wizard who could control the past

Once there was a great battle between a wizard who could control the future and a wizard who could control the past.


It was intense.

Putin is going through passport control.

He’s asked:
- “Final destination?”
- “Kiev”
- “Occupation?”
- “yes”

Ukrainian pest control

A Ukrainian and a German are sitting in a bar in Hamelin, the Ukrainian asks if the legend of the pied piper is true. The German says, “not quite” and pull a small mouse out of his pocket. The mouse begins to whistle and march in circles. Rats and mice come out of the all the nooks and crevices in t...

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Redneck birth control

A man and a woman from Alabama don't want any more children because they already have 11. So the husband goes to a doctor in Ohio.

The doctor asks, "What state are you from?

The man says "Alabama." The doctor tells him to go home, put a lit cherry bomb in an empty soda can, hold it in...

I have powerful mind control abilities

I can, over unlimited distances, make people experience the feeling of my choice.

I'm using it on you right now.

I am making you feel...

I am making you feel...



Skeptical!

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Mind Control

In a small town, people became increasingly unhappy with the mayor's administration. Sensing the people's disgruntlement, the mayor started to get worried about his post. He called for the council meeting to address this growing problem. The council agreed that it's mostly because people are not obe...

My remote control batteries died out today.

So I gave them away, free of charge.

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My wife and I use the pull-out method for birth control ....

we pull out our phones and ignore each other all night.

My favorite form of birth control is a condom inside a condom inside a condom...

Contraception

Left a review for my pest control company:

Con's: The pesticide they used made me go blind

Pro's: Haven't seen a bug all year

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when it comes to birth control

Condoms are 98% effective and the pill is 99%.
How about the birth control experts just figure how to make cum taste like chocolate, everyone wins.

The driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig

and ploughed into an empty toll booth, smashing it to pieces. Some time after the driver had reported the damage, he watched as a repair truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers. They picked up each broken piece of the wreckage and spread a creamy substance on it. Then they began fittin...

Angela Merkel arrives at the Passport Control at the Charles de Gaulle airport, Paris.

"Nationality ? " asks the immigration officer. "German," she replies. "Occupation?" "No, just here for a few days."

I have absolute proof the Covid vaccine isn’t Bill Gates’ way to control us.

My husband had the vaccination yesterday and he still hates Microsoft Teams.

Did you all hear about the mind controlled air-freshener that Febreze is developing?

It's a bit crazy, but it makes scents when you think about it.

My addiction to Helium is out of control, but...

no one is taking my cries for help seriously.

You know who opposes Matthew Mcconaughey's gun control efforts?

The alt-right, alt-right, alt-right!

For all the control system people, why did a plane travelling to Poland crash?

Because the Poles were on the right hand side

After Arnold Schwarzenegger quit the acting world, he should have started a pest control service

He is an ex-Terminator, after all.

Control Freak

## Knock! Knock!

John: Who’s there?
Freddy: Control Freak.
John: Con…
Freddy: Okay, now you say, “Control Freak who?”

At first I didn’t understand how to use my mind-controlled air freshener

But after thinking about it for a while, it finally made scents.

I feel like, in mythology, Neptune is just a copy of Poseidon

Like whoever created Neptune literally read what Poseidon’s main powers were and was like “Ctrl C”

what is the happiest part of a gaming controller?

The Joystick

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A man goes to his doctor and says, “My wife masturbates at least 20 times a day. She’s out of control!"

"Never sex with me, only her vibrator. What’s wrong with her? What do you even call that?"

Doctor: “A dick shun”

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Control your Woody

Trevor has a dance coming up and he wants to ask out Sally. He would do anything to go with her and he knows she doesn't have a date. The only problem is that whenever he sees her he gets an extremely large boner. Before he asks her, he practices not getting a boner but nothing works. So he decides ...

If Sarah Connor needed pest control...

She can call an Ex-Terminator

Controlling probability is the best super power

And I think there's a big chance that you'll agree

What did the stubborn eggs say to the birth control?

"You cant de-fetus!"

did you hear about the remote control that went to jail.

apparently he was charged with battery

My doctor says I can’t get birth control

It’s been a real pain in the ass

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NSFW Birth control honey at a farmers market

Vendor standing around trying to move his honey at a farmers market. Another salesman walks by and offers his assistance to the Farmer. Farmer decides to let the salesman do his thing.

Salesman starts yelling: "WE GOT REAL HONEY! ALL NATURAL, FRESH AND ITS A BIRTH CONTROL, YOU ARE GURANTEED N...

Elon Musk lands on Mars and steps out of his spaceship

### "It's a small step for a man, but a giant leap for mankind," says the ground control officer and cuts off all communications.

Everything's under control.

This is the worst keyboard ever.

I called Animal control Welfare today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods with a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

We really need to get Omicron under control before it mutates

Because the next Greek letter is Pi and you know how long that goes on

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I know a hypnotist who could control the whole audience.

He'd enter the room, say 'sleep' and everyone would fall asleep.
He'd say ''laugh'', the audience would burst out laughing.

One day, he entered the room where he would make his show as usual, but tripped in the stairs; and yelled ''shit''!

The room took three hours to clean.

"This is Mission Control speaking, it appears the center of ISS has been critically damaged, is that true?"

"Core wrecked".

I accidentally took my birth control pill twice yesterday

and when I woke up this morning, one of my kids was gone.

Why are artists so good at self control?

Because they always know where to draw the line.

I can control your thoughts

You are now thinking of a red hammer

BREXIT: TAKE BACK CONTROL

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and...

V

Sorry lost control there

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Not to brag, but we did a lot experiments with drugs, sex, and alcohol when I was in college.

Unfortunately I was part of the control group.

My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"

He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"



*Credit: Gary Delaney.*

My girlfriend told me she was on birth control but it wasn’t true.

Turns out she’s dyslexic and got a DUI.

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver replies, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting, the driver's wife says, "Now don't be silly, dear. You know that this car doesn't have cruise...

What is the scientific name for anti-vaxxers during a pandemic?

The control group.

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Three men compare how they control their wives...

Three friends are sitting in a bar after a day of work, discussing their lives when the topic of conversation turns to how often they fight with their wives. The first guy says, "I just put my foot down and tell her what's what, and there's no more arguing after that. Then I get the TV to myself all...

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A woman was having an affair with an inspector from a pest-control company.

One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to the lover, “into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom di...

We don’t need gun control!

Their hasn’t been a school shooting in like at least a month

Are you the Center Of Disease Control?

Cuz theres nothing flat about your curves.

(seriously we have a real problem this virus is getting worse)

Overweight guy goes to the doctor for some weight control help

Doctor gives him an Rx for 100 diet pills with the following instructions

Every morning, dump the pills all over the floor and bend down to pick them up, one at a time..

The man who invented the remote control has died age 96.

He was found down the back of the sofa.

I became best friends with my artificially intelligent remote control quadcopter named "ROTOR".

He is my **pal** n **drone**.

I can control sheep by just listening to them

It's true, I heard them with my own ears

What did the Priest say to the pest control people?

Let's spray.

I’m on this great new drug to control my Tourette Syndrome.

I swear by it.

What is the controlling design factor for the ceiling of a study room?

The attention span.

My wife told me my drinking has been out of control lately.

I said "Honey, don't be dramatic. I don't even remember the last time I blacked out."

statistics of birth control effectiveness

Condoms = 99%

birth control pills =99%

My tinder profile = 100%

Center for Disease Control Warning

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand and even electronically.

This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your collea...

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My wife asked me whether I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school.

I said, “Yes, but I was part of the control group.”

Why can't a pulsar be observed by any computer controlled optical telescope?

Video killed the radio star.

My daughter thinks I’m nosy and controlling.

At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.

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Doggy birth control

An old woman has two dachsunds, one male and one female. A friend asks her how she stops them breeding when the female comes into heat?
"I just put Trudi upstairs, while I keep Heinz on the main floor," the owner explains.
Puzzled, the friend asks how that helps?
The old girl replies, "Have...

Please help, I think someone is able to control my computer and type instead of me.

Actually you know what, I don't think that, that's absurd, nevermind.

i made a joke about our tv controller

it wasn't even remotely funny

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