What’s the difference between someone who doesn’t understand figures of speech, and a burglar?

The first takes things literally. The other takes things, literally

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A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it.

In order the figures were:

1) A Woman. 2) A Donkey. 3) A Shovel. 4) A Fish. 5) A Star of David.

After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a...

Steve and the other passengers had to solve a number of clues in order to figure out where the ship they boarded was headed that day. Which cruise were they on?

Blue's Cruise

Why are relationships like math?

You look at your x and try to figure out y.

If a man goes into a forest and cuts down a tree and the tree cant figure out why he was cut down

Do you think the tree is stumped?

My wife and kids are preparing to leave me over my action figure collecting addiction

They said it's either the toys or us

Not bragging, but I made six figures last year,

so they named me the year's worst employee at the toy factory.

I’m so excited for the new Toy Story action figures!

I’m getting a woody.....

An old Egyptian mathematician was trying to figure out how long a day was

But after 24 hours he called it a day

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger.

Then it hit me.

What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure?

A waist of time....

Three engineers are trying to figure out what sort of engineer God is

The mechanical engineer says "God must be a mechanical engineer. Look at how perfectly our joints are assembled and how fluid our movements are!"

The electrical engineer says "Not at all, God must be an electrical engineer. The bio-electric processes in our brain exceed anything we can invent...

It was too bad we could never figure out my grandfather's blood type in time.

He was so optimistic though. He kept telling us to B positive

I read about this figure from Greek Mythology, Chiron.

He trained many heroes apparently, and was also a doctor. Ergo he was a Centaur for disease control.

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Surely a robot can figure out how to tick a box on a website saying "I am not a robot""

I watched Terminator 2 and one of the fuckers flew a helicopter.

Harry Potter just released a new figure of its leading hero Mr. Scamander. But it isn’t very good the shirt is the wrong color, the scarf is too short, the nose is to long, and a bunch of other little things are wrong.

Did they really think I wouldn’t notice all these wrong My Newt details?

Whoever coined the phrase "dad-bod" missed a golden opportunity...

Should've called it "the Father-figure"

A Navy man, a Army man and an Airforce man try to figure out who is the best soldier ...

Army man starts: "I once jumped out of an aircraft 30 feet above ground and ran 5 miles to our camp."

Navy man: "That's nothing. I once jumped out of an aircraft 60 feet above the ocean and swam 10 miles to our camp."

Airforce man: "I once flew an aircaft to our camp, landed it safely ...

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Adolf Hitler and my wife have the same birthday. It's crazy to think that such a loathsome figure, who ruined the lives of so many people...

Shares the same birthday as Adolf Hitler.

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He st...

I've just stayed up all night trying to figure out where the sun went

Then it dawned on me

I spent ages trying to figure out why my duvet was so lumpy last night.

Baffling.

A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast

**A young man with a few hours** to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the youn...

My wife and I couldn't figure out the British term for a traffic circle.

We got the finally found the roundabout answer from researching about it in the library.

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I was trying to figure out how to pronounce Peter Buttigieg’s name.

Then I was told it rhymes with “Heater.”

I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.

The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.

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An old man is trying to figure out how to choose which one of his three sons should inherit his farm

So one morning he decides to give them each a duck and tells them whoever sells it for the most money gets the farm, and all 3 of them set out to sell their ducks.

The oldest son comes back an hour later and says "i got 10 dollars for my duck dad" to which the father replies "not bad."
...

A man admitted to beating a cow to death in a rice field with two porcelain figures,

Cops say this is the first known case of a Knick Knack Patty Wack .

If you could have dinner with any historical figure, who would you choose?

"Gandhi."

Why him?

"More food for me."

I had amnesia and can't figure out what a vacuum cleaner is supposed to do

It sucks

After years of gambling, an unlucky gambler finally figures out the way to leave Las Vegas with a small fortune.

He goes to Las Vegas with a large fortune.

Last night I sawa host of pale, emaciated figures, with haunted eyes that showed the agony of living death.

It was my first time in a vegan restaurant.

I spent way too much time, perched uncomfortably, trying to figure out exactly where my property ends and my neighbors property begins.

I'm *still* on the fence

When in future, technology figures out how to brighten our homes without light bulbs,

I will be delighted

How do you figure out someone is a pilot?









Don't worry, they'll tell you.



...also, did you know I'm a pilot?

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A Jew, an Irishman, and a black man are in a maternity ward waiting room. The nurse walks in and explains that there's been a terrible mix up with the babies, and that the fathers are going to have to figure out amongst themselves which baby belongs to whom.

The Irishman springs up out of his chair and volunteers to go first. A few
minutes later the Irishman returns holding a newborn black-skinned baby in his
arms.

The black man shouts in anger "Now, I KNOW that baby is MINE!"

To which the Irishman replies, "One of those babies is Je...

Dolly Parton is such a beloved figure in America, the DSM-5 has already classified a disease that American's might feel when she dies.

Post-Parton Depression

Have you heard about the incel action figure?

It comes in a sock instead of a box.

Making 6 figures a year sounds like a dream come true...

Unless you work for an action figure manufacturing company. Then it sounds like a quick way to the unemployment line.

A chicken farmer is having a problem with the number of eggs the chickens are laying. They hires 3 scientists to help them figure it out, a Biologist, A Chemist, and a Physicist.

The Biologist runs some tests and tells the farmer that the hormone levels are off and a better living condition might help.
The Chemist does some tests and tells the farmer that the feed doesn't contain enough calcium for the birds to produce eggs and suggests changing to a calcium rich diet wou...

The wisest men in the village could not figure out where the sun went at night.

So they stayed up all night discussing it.
And then it dawned on them.
 
 
 
(I'll see myself out.)

I had a meeting with my boss today. He said "are we going to discuss sales figures followed by recruitment?"

Did he just assume my agenda?

What is the most difficult thing as a male figure skater

Coming out to your parents.

I'm creating a WWE match between origami figures.

It's paper view.

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As a female trying to break into the music industry I am often asked how I will know I have 'made it'. I figure it's when I'm invited to come on something like Saturday Night Live...

or John Mayer

Human organs are the opposite of old action figures

People pay a lot more for them once you take them out to the original packaging

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A man with 3 girlfriends is trying to figure out which one of them to marry.

There was a man who had 3 girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each 1 $5000 and see how each of them spent it.

The first 1 went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the m...

Couldn't figure out my seatbeat

Then it clicked!

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Two aliens are trying to figure out how to infiltrate earth to blend in...

They spend a lot of time watching how people go about their lives and decide the first thing they need to do to exist and blend is get money to thrive. They land their spaceship in a cornfield and walk to the closest place they can find, a gas station. They walk up to the gas pump and demand it give...

I think Noah might be the craziest of Biblical figures; hearing God, building an ark, gathering animals

The whole thing sounds delugional.

What is the difference between a Star Wars action-figure collector who smokes e-cigarettes and a Catholic Priest?

One is a toy-loving vapist, and the other...

I was trying to figure out how to fix my mouse...

Then it clicked

If Caitlyn Jenner were an action figure....

would she be an X-Man or a Transformer?

A friend of mine was trying to figure out the best way to break up with her boyfriend.

She seemed awfully concerned that he not be angry.
"Are you afraid he'll spread lies about you?" I asked.
"I don't mind the lies, but if he ever tells the truth, I'll break his neck," she answered.

My grandfather died last night. They couldn't figure out his blood type in time to give him a transfusion. He was such an inspirational guy to the very end though, I'll never forget his last words to me.

"Be positive"

Why are North Korean Figure Skaters so good?

It's all about the Execution

Private!! Figure out what today's date is!

Ten four, sir!

An archeologist finds three coffins. The first two have ornate drawing of a person covering each of their front sides. The third one, however, possessed only a primitive sort of stick figure. Who did the archeologist think was buried in the last coffin?

The coffin painter

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I can't figure women out...

I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted.

I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic.

I spent $1,000 on lip job for her and she couldn't thank me enough.

I spent $50 on a blowjob for myself and she lost her shit! Women, I can't figure t...

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A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the town's people punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “...

For five years I simply couldn't figure out how to use a seatbelt.

then it clicked.

My wife has a knockout figure.

If she walks into you.

In memory of my father, who died of blood loss because sadly no one could figure out his blood type.

As I stood beside him it was incredibly moving to hear him repeat, over and over, these inspirational last words: "Be positive, son! Be positive!"

Father, I don't know if you can hear me, but if you do, just know I will always remember to be positive.

I couldn’t figure out why the season of The Apprentice I was watching was going on for so long. Each week someone gets fired, but we never seem to get down to the final winner!

Then I realized, I was just watching the news.

How would you figure out whether someone is an AI robot or a human in Reddit?

Nice try bot.

I Hate Trying to Figure Out Which Light Switch Goes to Which Room

It's a process of illumination.

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"How did you figure out your wife had died?" asked the friend.

"Well, the sex was the same, but the dishes were piling up."

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I'm trying to figure out why masturbation jokes get so many up votes?

Can anyone give me a hand?

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I couldn't figure out why my computer stopped working until I opened it up and found some cockroaches inside...

Though, I did get it working again after some thorough debugging.

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the...

Gabriel's horn is a geometric figure which has infinite surface area but finite volume

This is in contrast to a vuvuzela which has a finite surface area but infinite volume

I was trying the figure out how lightning works.

Then it struck me.

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