UPJOKE
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Figure Jokes

A 5-sided figure is a pentagon, and a 6-sided figure is a hexagon. What shall we call a 2-sided figure?

Let's just let bigons be bigons.

If you could have dinner with any historical figure, who would you choose?

"Gandhi."

Why him?

"More food for me."

Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx.

But no one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting pistol.

I once stayed up all night trying figure out where the sun went

Then it dawned on me

What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure?

A waist of time.

I finally figured out what’s wrong with my brain.

On the left side, there is nothing right.

On the right side, there is nothing left.

A Blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He st...

Why are North Korean Figure Skaters so good?

It's all about the Execution

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with 3 girlfriends is trying to figure out which one of them to marry.

There was a man who had 3 girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each 1 $5000 and see how each of them spent it.

The first 1 went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the m...

Which Historical Figure do you not want a colonoscopy from?

Jack the Ripper

Not bragging, but I made six figures last year,

so they named me the year's worst employee at the toy factory.

Coming home from the theatre, a dark figure stops me and says...

"Your money or your life!" I respond, "Take my life, I need my money."

I’ve figured out where all the dad jokes are stored.

In a dad-a-base.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To this day, biologists still cannot figure out the two greatest mysteries about spiders:

Where the fuck did it come from?

Where the fuck did it just go?

Two farmers are in a field trying to figure out which sheep belongs to one another.

"Stop me if you herd this one."

On our first date, I couldn't figure out why my wife was acting like a fish.

Turns out she was just being Koi.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I can't figure women out...

I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted.

I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic.

I spent $1,000 on lip job for her and she couldn't thank me enough.

I spent $50 on a blowjob for myself and she lost her shit! Women, I can't figure t...

Scientists have finally figured out what happened to all the water that used be Mars

Turns out, the planet was once occupied by Nestle

Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

If Historical figures only had a Jewish Mother...

MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER: "After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?"


CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you didn't write."


MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER: "A ceiling you paint? No...

Who figured out that 7 ate 9?

4 and 6

Shortly after Mozart's death, all his music started disappearing but people couldn't figure out why.

Turns out he was just de-composing in his grave.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him

Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinalsthat he had some good news and some bad news.

The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was ha...

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

...

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger.

**Then it hit me.**

I made six figures last month.

But apparently Mattel wants to fire me because that's not enough Barbies

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A general, a colonel and a major were having a heated argument on the subject of sex.

The general maintained that sex was 60 percent work and 40 percent fun.
The colonel said that it was 75 percent work and 25 percent fun.
The major thought it was 90 percent work and 10 percent fun.

At the height of the argument, a private appeared at the door. "Let's leave it to him," ...

How did Pinocchio figure out he was made of wood?

He was jacking off one day and his hand caught on fire.

I was trying to figure out why someone would throw a pie in my face.

And then it hit me.

need help figuring out a joke.

A girl I know keeps telling my friends a joke about golf. She insists it's a joke and not a riddle but none of us get it. Here it is:

Four guys go golfing. The first guy tees up, and hits the ball super far. The second guy tees up, and hits the ball really terribly. The third guy tees up, and...

Three engineers are trying to figure out what sort of engineer God is

The mechanical engineer says "God must be a mechanical engineer. Look at how perfectly our joints are assembled and how fluid our movements are!"

The electrical engineer says "Not at all, God must be an electrical engineer. The bio-electric processes in our brain exceed anything we can invent...

Teenage boy can't figure out how his friend gets laid all the time -- but he doesn't

He asks his friend how he does it. The friend whispers, "I'll tell you, but keep it a secret." The teenage boy excitedly agrees.

"All you have to do is, before you go to the beach, put a big potato down in your bathing suit. The girls will swarm you in no time."

The teenage boy does as...

37 Was looking all around trying to figure out who took a bite from his cake, turns out...

38

My girlfriend of 2 years just told me her ex used to beat her really badly, and she never told me b/c it's really painful for her to talk about. I feel bad I didn't figure it out sooner.

I always thought she just really hated high fives.

Guys, I just figured out how to walk thorough walls!

Doors

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just figured out why I'm a virgin.

It's because my conjoined twin is really ugly.

Back in December a Santa wondered into the wrong street and couldn't figure out a way out

He was a lost Claus

Lots of guys aren't too happy with getting a "dad bod" eventually in life. But I'd say im pretty excited for it

Because it's the closest thing I'm gonna get to having a father figure in my life

I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife…

But I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out I’m just after my money.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

adam and eve finally figured out the whole sex thing...

afterward, adam's kicked back, dazed.

god asks "son, where's eve?"

to which adam replies "she's down at the stream, washing up."

god groans "now i'll never get that smell outta those fish."

A lawyer dies, and somehow manages to go to heaven

When he gets there, he's greeted by St. Peter himself. The lawyer says, "What happened? I wasn't in an accident and I'm too young to die. I'm only 52!"

St. Peter says, "Nope, by our records, you are 84, and that's a pretty good life."

The lawyer yells, "84! How did you figure that?...

A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast

**A young man with a few hours** to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the youn...

Last year I made seven figures.

And that’s why I got sacked from the action figure factory.

They finally figured out why the computerized self driving car has crashed...

They didn't install the driver.

How do you figure out that your girlfriend is getting too fat?

She starts fitting into your wife's clothes.

Which popular action figure has a farm?

GI GI Joe

I had a party for the worlds greatest historical figures, here are their RSVPs

Isaac Newton: "I'll drop in."

Socrates: "I'll think about it."

Charles Darwin: "I'll wait to see what evolves."

Marie Curie: "I am radiating enthusiasm."

Ivan Pavlov: "I'm positively drooling at the thought."

Albert Einstein: "It will ...

After 7 years of marriage I figured this out that....

... it's all "psychological".

There is one psycho and there's one logical.

People are shocked that a company fired a woman because of her bad figure.

But in their defense, it was *Figure 2.7: why my boss is an idiot.*

After years of Investing and Careful Trading I finally have a Six figure Portfolio thanks to Crypto.

Current Balance: $10.0001

I just figured out why airlines are having staffing issues.

The whole crew keeps taking off!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I figured out who is responsible for all the penis drawings in the bathroom stalls

It was Dick Tracey

I like the way my friend Sam's mustache looks, so I figured I'd say something nice.

I don't understand why she's mad at me over a compliment.

No one could really figure out who set fire to the Cathedral of Notre Dame….

….but Quasimodo had a hunch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently my great-grandpa was a controversial figure when he served in WWII

Which is weird, I thought he’d be praised more considering my family tells me he killed Hitler

(Original Joke?) What do you call a stick figure who is enthusiastic about working out?

A gymna-stick.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
...

How did Darth Vader figure out what Luke was getting for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

What do you call a gullible patriarchal figure from the Avatar movie?

A Fleeced Na'Vi Dad.

If anyone ever figured out my secret 4-digit code, I'd be screwed! They'd have my bank pin #, phone unlock code, front door lock code...

...they'd even know my birth year!

I saw a Star wars action figure in a Corolla today

It was a toy Yoda in a Toyota

My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette.

Blew his mind.

I finally figured out why I look so bad in pictures.

It's my face.

Who is the most attractive Greek mythological figure?

I don't know about you, but Medusa always gets me rock hard.

I finally figured out Donald Trump

You have to ruin America first if you want to make it great AGAIN.

Economists are still trying to figure out why the girls with the least principle

draw the most interest.

I think I figured out the source of the beef between Kyle Rittenhouse and LeBron James.

Kyle has LeBron sorely outclassed in both shooting and defense.

Russians are very flexible, and are world-class ballerinas, figure skaters, and gymnasts

# This comment deleted to protest Reddit's API change (to reduce the value of Reddit's data).

Please see [these](https://web.archive.org/web/20230609092523/https://old.reddit.com/r/apolloapp/comments/144f6xm/apollo_will_close_down_on_june_30th_reddits/) [threads](https://web.archive.org/web/2...

Tommy will figure

Tommy's Mum: Tommy, you need to let your younger brother learn things on his own too.

Tommy: Sure Mom!

Johnny: (Tommy's younger brother) What's 89 times 2

Tommy: it's.... (Interrupted by Mum)

Tommy's Mum: Tommy Hilfiger it out

There's a detective who figures out crime by sitting on the toilet.

He solves cases by process of elimination.

Have you heard about the incel action figure?

It comes in a sock instead of a box.

Did you see the ROC figure skating routine in the Olympics?

It was dope

Where do toy stores keep their Schwarzenegger action figures?

Aisle B, back.

I couldn't figure out why a male sheep is called a Ram...

Then it hit me.

I have finally figured out how to successfully clone a human

Needless to say, I am beside myself.

Chris Rock couldn't figure out why Will Smith was on stage approaching him.

But then it hit him.

I couldn't figure out how the seatbelt worked.

Then it just clicked.

My girlfriend has an onlyfans account and it’s doing really well

I just have to figure out how to break the news to her

I figured it how to become a millionaire by taking stock advice from Reddit!

The catch is that you have to start investing when you're a billionaire...

I've got a job making plastic dracular figures but there's only two of us on the production line.

I have to make every second count

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am sick of trying to figure out people who practice celibacy

I guess when all's said and done, they don't give a fuck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dolphins are the only animals besides humans that enjoy having Sex

I had to have sex with a lot of animals to figure that out

The wisest men in the village could not figure out where the sun went at night.

So they stayed up all night discussing it.
And then it dawned on them.
 
 
 
(I'll see myself out.)

I invested all my money in a sylvester stallone action figure

my finances are a little rocky.

What’s the difference between someone who doesn’t understand figures of speech, and a burglar?

The first takes things literally. The other takes things, literally

I finally figured what those Zs on the Russian tanks stand for.

It means "Zelensky's"

I have a friend who always subtly mentions that he went to MIT

I simply hate his behavior. He'd somehow figure out a way to drop it into a conversation just to let people know he's an MIT alumni.

He's always been like this. Even when we were in college together.

I figured out why hurricanes are named after women

When they come they’re wild and wet but when they leave they take your house and car with them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was carbon-dating a dinosaur the other day, trying to figure out what era it was from

Upon closer inspection, I realised that it didn't have the 3 anuses I was expecting, so I ruled out the Triassic period

Spider-Man sensed a green figure levitating in the distance on a glider. “Hey! Who are you?”, he yelled.

“Well, I’m the foe.”

I figured out why orgies were so popular in ancient Rome.

For starters, you need four people to LXIX.

After making love to my wife last night, she told me I had a body built for sin

12 hours later, I still can't figure out if she meant Gluttony or Sloth

I just figured out why USA is about to ban abortion (dark)

That's to have more targets for their school shootings

I just figured out that my toaster is not waterproof.

I was shocked.

So I asked my neighbor if he could help me figure out what DIY means. He said, "Do it Yourself"

Unhelpful, prick.

I made six figures today...

a square, rectangle, triangle, circle, hexagon, and a polyhedron.

After how few of you have upvoted my jokes, I think I figured out the problem.

I'm not very funny.

I don't know how my wife figured out I was into some kinky stuff...

But she had me pegged from the start.

Doctors tried to figure out why blondes are stupid...

so they decided to see inside one of their heads. Upon removal of the scalp they found nothing but a piece of string. Confused about their discovery, they cut the string, and the ears fell off.

Official Darth Maul action figure on sale now!

50% off

I figured out why ski resorts are so funny.

They're hillareas

What is the name of a severely injured historical figure?

Napoleon Bone-Apart!

I figured out why I’m so tired!

For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the w...

A mathematician asks his coworker to solve a complex equation for him.

After some struggle, the coworker finds that he can't figure out the answer in just one day, so the next day he tells the mathematician that he'll need two more days to find a proper solution.

Two more days pass and he still can't solve the equation, so he goes back and asks him for just thre...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Figured out how to make my dick 12 inches.

Fold it in half.

I figured out why the right opposes an infrastructure bill;

the're afraid that if they take the lead out of the water no one will vote republican.

What's a sure-fire method to figure out precisely how many grams a chili pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now

Last night I sawa host of pale, emaciated figures, with haunted eyes that showed the agony of living death.

It was my first time in a vegan restaurant.

I wanted to thank everyone for sticking with me while I figured out the meaning of “many”

It means a lot

In 12 months, my startup has gone from $0 in monthly revenue to 8-figures in monthly revenue.

Here's how we did it:

August 2021: $0

August 2022: $0.0000000

I was trying to figure out how lightning works

Then, it struck me

My seven year old figured out Easter this year

He said “The Easter Bunny isn’t real dad. It’s really a man dressed as a bunny that hides eggs in your house”

My parents have 4 TV remotes and I’m trying to figure out what they do.

I’m remote learning.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have an unhealthy sexual attraction towards figures in Greek mythology ever since

\
I laid my eyes on Medusa. Been rock hard ever since.

Wife: Now that we've been married 20 years, how old do you think I look, honestly?

Husband: From your skin I'd say 28, from your hair 25, from your figure 29.

Wife: Oh, what a lovely thing to say.

Husband: Hang on, I haven't finished adding it up yet.

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