The 115+ Best Figure Jokes

A Blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He st...

If you could have dinner with any historical figure, who would you choose?

"Gandhi."

Why him?

"More food for me."

I once stayed up all night trying figure out where the sun went

Then it dawned on me

A 5-sided figure is a pentagon, and a 6-sided figure is a hexagon. What shall we call a 2-sided figure?

Let's just let bigons be bigons.

Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx.

But no one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting pistol.

What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure?

A waist of time.

I finally figured out what’s wrong with my brain.

On the left side, there is nothing right.

On the right side, there is nothing left.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with 3 girlfriends is trying to figure out which one of them to marry.

There was a man who had 3 girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each 1 $5000 and see how each of them spent it.

The first 1 went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the m...

Which Historical Figure do you not want a colonoscopy from?

Jack the Ripper

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him

Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinalsthat he had some good news and some bad news.

The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was ha...

Not to brag, but made six figures this year

They named me the worst employee at the toy factory

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I can't figure women out...

I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted.

I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic.

I spent $1,000 on lip job for her and she couldn't thank me enough.

I spent $50 on a blowjob for myself and she lost her shit! Women, I can't figure t...

I’ve figured out where all the dad jokes are stored.

In a dad-a-base.

Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

Teenage boy can't figure out how his friend gets laid all the time -- but he doesn't

He asks his friend how he does it. The friend whispers, "I'll tell you, but keep it a secret." The teenage boy excitedly agrees.

"All you have to do is, before you go to the beach, put a big potato down in your bathing suit. The girls will swarm you in no time."

The teenage boy does as...

If Historical figures only had a Jewish Mother...

MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER: "After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?"

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you didn't write."

MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER: "A ceiling you paint? No...

I was trying to figure out why someone would throw a pie in my face.

And then it hit me.

Scientists have finally figured out what happened to all the water that used be Mars

Turns out, the planet was once occupied by Nestle

A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast

**A young man with a few hours** to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the youn...

Three engineers are trying to figure out what sort of engineer God is

The mechanical engineer says "God must be a mechanical engineer. Look at how perfectly our joints are assembled and how fluid our movements are!"

The electrical engineer says "Not at all, God must be an electrical engineer. The bio-electric processes in our brain exceed anything we can invent...

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger.

**Then it hit me.**

If anyone ever figured out my secret 4-digit code, I'd be screwed! They'd have my bank pin #, phone unlock code, front door lock code...

...they'd even know my birth year!

After years of Investing and Careful Trading I finally have a Six figure Portfolio thanks to Crypto.

Current Balance: $10.0001

need help figuring out a joke.

A girl I know keeps telling my friends a joke about golf. She insists it's a joke and not a riddle but none of us get it. Here it is:

Four guys go golfing. The first guy tees up, and hits the ball super far. The second guy tees up, and hits the ball really terribly. The third guy tees up, and...

Who figured out that 7 ate 9?

4 and 6

I made six figures last month.

But apparently Mattel wants to fire me because that's not enough Barbies

I like the way my friend Sam's mustache looks, so I figured I'd say something nice.

I don't understand why she's mad at me over a compliment.

I had a party for the worlds greatest historical figures, here are their RSVPs

Isaac Newton: "I'll drop in."

Socrates: "I'll think about it."

Charles Darwin: "I'll wait to see what evolves."

Marie Curie: "I am radiating enthusiasm."

Ivan Pavlov: "I'm positively drooling at the thought."

Albert Einstein: "It will ...

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I figured out who is responsible for all the penis drawings in the bathroom stalls

It was Dick Tracey

People are shocked that a company fired a woman because of her bad figure.

But in their defense, it was *Figure 2.7: why my boss is an idiot.*

No one could really figure out who set fire to the Cathedral of Notre Dame….

….but Quasimodo had a hunch.

(Original Joke?) What do you call a stick figure who is enthusiastic about working out?

A gymna-stick.

Guys, I just figured out how to walk thorough walls!

Doors

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I just figured out why I'm a virgin.

It's because my conjoined twin is really ugly.

They finally figured out why the computerized self driving car has crashed...

They didn't install the driver.

Indian motorcycles hired an outside accountant to figure out their declining revenue. the board of directors required all C-level executives to attend the reporting. He found that the executives were overpaid limiting production.

In summary: too many Chiefs not enough Indians.

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Apparently my great-grandpa was a controversial figure when he served in WWII

Which is weird, I thought he’d be praised more considering my family tells me he killed Hitler

I figured out my iPhone is woke.

It can spell “misogynistic.”

After 7 years of marriage I figured this out that....

... it's all "psychological".

There is one psycho and there's one logical.

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adam and eve finally figured out the whole sex thing...

afterward, adam's kicked back, dazed.

god asks "son, where's eve?"

to which adam replies "she's down at the stream, washing up."

god groans "now i'll never get that smell outta those fish."

I think I figured out the source of the beef between Kyle Rittenhouse and LeBron James.

Kyle has LeBron sorely outclassed in both shooting and defense.

How do you figure out that your girlfriend is getting too fat?

She starts fitting into your wife's clothes.

I just figured out why airlines are having staffing issues.

The whole crew keeps taking off!

Economists are still trying to figure out why the girls with the least principle

draw the most interest.

I asked the toy store sales assistant if they had any Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures in store...

She replied "Aisle B, back".

What do you call a gullible patriarchal figure from the Avatar movie?

A Fleeced Na'Vi Dad.

My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette.

Blew his mind.

So I asked my neighbor if he could help me figure out what DIY means. He said, "Do it Yourself"

Unhelpful, prick.

Last year I made seven figures.

And that’s why I got sacked from the action figure factory.

Spider-Man sensed a green figure levitating in the distance on a glider. “Hey! Who are you?”, he yelled.

“Well, I’m the foe.”

I've got a job making plastic dracular figures but there's only two of us on the production line.

I have to make every second count

I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out...

...I’m just after my money.

Which popular action figure has a farm?

GI GI Joe

How did Darth Vader figure out what Luke was getting for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was carbon-dating a dinosaur the other day, trying to figure out what era it was from

Upon closer inspection, I realised that it didn't have the 3 anuses I was expecting, so I ruled out the Triassic period

I saw a Star wars action figure in a Corolla today

It was a toy Yoda in a Toyota

Russians are very flexible, and are world-class ballerinas, figure skaters, and gymnasts

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Why are North Korean Figure Skaters so good?

It's all about the Execution

I finally figured out why I look so bad in pictures.

It's my face.

I figured it how to become a millionaire by taking stock advice from Reddit!

The catch is that you have to start investing when you're a billionaire...

The wisest men in the village could not figure out where the sun went at night.

So they stayed up all night discussing it.
And then it dawned on them.
 
 
 
(I'll see myself out.)

There's a detective who figures out crime by sitting on the toilet.

He solves cases by process of elimination.

Chris Rock couldn't figure out why Will Smith was on stage approaching him.

But then it hit him.

What’s the difference between someone who doesn’t understand figures of speech, and a burglar?

The first takes things literally. The other takes things, literally

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m back with another shitty joke again!! Alright so I just figured out why Teslas are so damn expensive…

It’s because they charge A LOT xD

I accidentally knocked up my girlfriend and figured I should marry her. I'm proud though.

My wife said that was bigamy.

Nathan Chen won the figure skating gold at the olympics over the weekend

The judges rated his performance a perfect Chen out of Chen

After how few of you have upvoted my jokes, I think I figured out the problem.

I'm not very funny.

Did you see the ROC figure skating routine in the Olympics?

It was dope

I couldn't figure out why a male sheep is called a Ram...

Then it hit me.

In 12 months, my startup has gone from $0 in monthly revenue to 8-figures in monthly revenue.

Here's how we did it:

August 2021: $0

August 2022: $0.0000000

I have finally figured out how to successfully clone a human

Needless to say, I am beside myself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am sick of trying to figure out people who practice celibacy

I guess when all's said and done, they don't give a fuck.

Last night I sawa host of pale, emaciated figures, with haunted eyes that showed the agony of living death.

It was my first time in a vegan restaurant.

I don't know how my wife figured out I was into some kinky stuff...

But she had me pegged from the start.

Who is the most attractive Greek mythological figure?

I don't know about you, but Medusa always gets me rock hard.

I finally figured what those Zs on the Russian tanks stand for.

It means "Zelensky's"

What's a sure-fire method to figure out precisely how many grams a chili pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now

I invested all my money in a sylvester stallone action figure

my finances are a little rocky.

A buddy and I went out to grab some dinner, figured the protestors in Ottawa would be ecstatic we were exercising our freedom.

Turns out they were quite unhappy with the man-date.

I was in the store and the teller had a shirt with figure eight knots printed on it…

I told her, “That’s a very knotty shirt you have on”.

I don’t know what was more classic, the look on her face or my son when he screamed, “Dad!” As I just pointed at the shirt.

I wanted to thank everyone for sticking with me while I figured out the meaning of “many”

It means a lot

My parents have 4 TV remotes and I’m trying to figure out what they do.

I’m remote learning.

I just figured out why USA is about to ban abortion (dark)

That's to have more targets for their school shootings

I figured out why orgies were so popular in ancient Rome.

For starters, you need four people to LXIX.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew, an Irishman, and a black man are in a maternity ward waiting room. The nurse walks in and explains that there's been a terrible mix up with the babies, and that the fathers are going to have to figure out amongst themselves which baby belongs to whom.

The Irishman springs up out of his chair and volunteers to go first. A few
minutes later the Irishman returns holding a newborn black-skinned baby in his
arms.

The black man shouts in anger "Now, I KNOW that baby is MINE!"

To which the Irishman replies, "One of those babies is Je...

Doctor - I finally figured out why your pain isn't going away. Even though these medications are called analgesics

They are supposed to be inserted in your mouth.

I finally figured out Donald Trump

You have to ruin America first if you want to make it great AGAIN.

Three men are lost in the southwestern U.S. when they see a strange figure near a cliff.

They approach the figure and he introduces himself. “I am the magical genie of Arizona. When you go over this cliff, say something you desire. I will summon it for you to land on at the bottom of the cliff.” The men are a little uncertain.

The first one peers over the edge of the cliff and f...

Have you heard about the incel action figure?

It comes in a sock instead of a box.

My wife said "If we ever win the lottery, I want you to buy me something compact, shiny, and can go from 0 to 200 in three seconds. I figured why wait, so surprised her that night.....

... with a shiny new bathroom scale.

A recent archeological dig has uncovered a set of 2300 year old Roman gold rings, with a small golden figure of a Tick attatched to it, missing all its legs...

Archeologists originally believed it to be simple wear and tear, until it was discovered there were no signs of soldering on the bodies of the golden ticks, indicating they were intentionally made legless. A professor on the scene theorized that these rings were a gesture of romantic interest or a p...

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To this day, biologists still cannot figure out the two greatest mysteries about spiders:

Where the fuck did it come from?

Where the fuck did it just go?

An explorer spent weeks scouring the jungles of Skull Island, hoping to see the legendary King Kong. One day, when he was all but certain that it was nothing but a myth, he came to a clearing - and right there before him, sitting pensively, was the imposing figure of King Kong...

The explorer glared at King Kong in awe, and approached him slowly. King Kong seemed to be quite passive, so the explorer slowly reached out and shyly touched him. But as soon as he made contact with the gorilla’s fur, King Kong went berserk. He immediately rose to his feet, began beating his chest ...

On our first date, I couldn't figure out why my wife was acting like a fish.

Turns out she was just being Koi.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On our first date, she said she always thought the dick in a box gag was funny. I figured I'd try it out a couple of dates later, but before I could even open the box, she screamed...

..."Why the fuck are you proposing so soon?!" and ran away.

I couldn't figure out how the seatbelt worked.

Then it just clicked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have an unhealthy sexual attraction towards figures in Greek mythology ever since

\
I laid my eyes on Medusa. Been rock hard ever since.

I couldn't figure out the answer to 180˚/ π on my math test.

So the girl next to me let me cheat off her.

It was rad.

I just figured out that my toaster is not waterproof.

I was shocked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The year I figured out masturbation, I got told "Santa Claus is watching you."

I got a lot of new socks that year.

I figured out why hurricanes are named after women

When they come they’re wild and wet but when they leave they take your house and car with them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This guy wants to get laid and is trying to figure out how to impress the woman he's with.

They walk past a shoe store and the woman says, "Wow. If you get me those shoes, I'll give you a hand job." So the guy sees a brick on the sidewalk, smashes the window and gets the shoes." A few minutes later, they pass a fur store and she says, "If you get me that mink stole, I'll blow you." So the...

I figured I could never quit smoking, so I decided to at least stay healthy in other ways. Every time I had a smoke I would do 10 push-ups.

I’m still out of shape, but I haven’t touched a cigarette in months...

What is the name of a severely injured historical figure?

Napoleon Bone-Apart!

It’s my cake day today so I figured I’d try out a cake joke!

Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.

Doctor: Next time, take off the candles

Doctors tried to figure out why blondes are stupid...

so they decided to see inside one of their heads. Upon removal of the scalp they found nothing but a piece of string. Confused about their discovery, they cut the string, and the ears fell off.

I figured out why ski resorts are so funny.

They're hillareas

What do you call a musical garden figure who often rides the subway?

A metrognome.

Two farmers are in a field trying to figure out which sheep belongs to one another.

"Stop me if you herd this one."

I figured out why the right opposes an infrastructure bill;

the're afraid that if they take the lead out of the water no one will vote republican.

Interpol developed a test to figure out the best Law enforcement team in the world. Today's test involved the Scotland Yard, the FBI and Rio's Military Police.

The test consisted of releasing a bunny in the woods and giving it a 1 hour head start. The police department that found the bunny in the least amount of time would go on to the next phase.

First one to go was Scotland Yard. Using their best detectives, deductive skills and evidence analysis,...

Did Judy Garland ever figure out how much a pie weighs?

Apparently, somewhere over the rainbow you can weigh a pie.

If you were to steal a historical figures research notebooks what you steal?

Charles Darwin’s would be my natural selection.

A few years ago my wife asked me if I'd seen the news story about a Moose walking into a lobby in Alaska. It sounded so much the first line of a joke that I figured I had to come up with something...

A moose walks into a hotel lobby in Alaska and starts eating the plants.

The hotel manager comes over and says, "Juneau, it's illegal to eat the foliage, don't you?"

The Moose looks at him calmly, still chewing, and says, "Nome, Nome, Nome."

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