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A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it.

In order the figures were:

1) A Woman. 2) A Donkey. 3) A Shovel. 4) A Fish. 5) A Star of David.

After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a...

Three engineers are trying to figure out what sort of engineer God is

The mechanical engineer says "God must be a mechanical engineer. Look at how perfectly our joints are assembled and how fluid our movements are!"

The electrical engineer says "Not at all, God must be an electrical engineer. The bio-electric processes in our brain exceed anything we can invent...

Whoever coined the phrase "dad-bod" missed a golden opportunity...

Should've called it "the Father-figure"

Not bragging, but I made six figures last year,

so they named me the year's worst employee at the toy factory.

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger .

Then it hit me.

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I was trying to figure out how to pronounce Peter Buttigieg’s name.

Then I was told it rhymes with “Heater.”

I had amnesia and can't figure out what a vacuum cleaner is supposed to do

It sucks

A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast

**A young man with a few hours** to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the youn...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old man is trying to figure out how to choose which one of his three sons should inherit his farm

So one morning he decides to give them each a duck and tells them whoever sells it for the most money gets the farm, and all 3 of them set out to sell their ducks.

The oldest son comes back an hour later and says "i got 10 dollars for my duck dad" to which the father replies "not bad."
...

After years of gambling, an unlucky gambler finally figures out the way to leave Las Vegas with a small fortune.

He goes to Las Vegas with a large fortune.

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He st...

A man admitted to beating a cow to death in a rice field with two porcelain figures,

Cops say this is the first known case of a Knick Knack Patty Wack .

Last night I sawa host of pale, emaciated figures, with haunted eyes that showed the agony of living death.

It was my first time in a vegan restaurant.

What do you call a four-sided figure that works for an attorney?

A paralegalgram.

If you could have dinner with any historical figure, who would you choose?

"Gandhi."

Why him?

"More food for me."

Dolly Parton is such a beloved figure in America, the DSM-5 has already classified a disease that American's might feel when she dies.

Post-Parton Depression

When my grandfather was dying we struggled to figure out his blood type. He just kept telling us to be positive.

and then they just gave him o-negative because it works with all blood types

[OC] Which football position does a very mean stick figure play?

Offensive Line Man.






Looking for some wording help on this dad joke. Another alternative I thought of has to do with a stick figure that has a shield, with the punch line being “Defensive Line Man”

When in future, technology figures out how to brighten our homes without light bulbs,

I will be delighted

Making 6 figures a year sounds like a dream come true...

Unless you work for an action figure manufacturing company. Then it sounds like a quick way to the unemployment line.

I had a meeting with my boss today. He said "are we going to discuss sales figures followed by recruitment?"

Did he just assume my agenda?

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A Jew, an Irishman, and a black man are in a maternity ward waiting room. The nurse walks in and explains that there's been a terrible mix up with the babies, and that the fathers are going to have to figure out amongst themselves which baby belongs to whom.

The Irishman springs up out of his chair and volunteers to go first. A few
minutes later the Irishman returns holding a newborn black-skinned baby in his
arms.

The black man shouts in anger "Now, I KNOW that baby is MINE!"

To which the Irishman replies, "One of those babies is Je...

My grandpa spent his life trying to figure out how to tie a clove hitch...

...he got close towards the end of his life but sadly it was all for knot.

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I couldn't figure out a way to measure the amount of sluts to non-sluts.

So I asked my friend Horatio.

Have you heard about the incel action figure?

It comes in a sock instead of a box.

I'm creating a WWE match between origami figures.

It's paper view.

A chicken farmer is having a problem with the number of eggs the chickens are laying. They hires 3 scientists to help them figure it out, a Biologist, A Chemist, and a Physicist.

The Biologist runs some tests and tells the farmer that the hormone levels are off and a better living condition might help.
The Chemist does some tests and tells the farmer that the feed doesn't contain enough calcium for the birds to produce eggs and suggests changing to a calcium rich diet wou...

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As a female trying to break into the music industry I am often asked how I will know I have 'made it'. I figure it's when I'm invited to come on something like Saturday Night Live...

or John Mayer

Couldn't figure out my seatbeat

Then it clicked!

The wisest men in the village could not figure out where the sun went at night.

So they stayed up all night discussing it.
And then it dawned on them.
 
 
 
(I'll see myself out.)

Human organs are the opposite of old action figures

People pay a lot more for them once you take them out to the original packaging

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two aliens are trying to figure out how to infiltrate earth to blend in...

They spend a lot of time watching how people go about their lives and decide the first thing they need to do to exist and blend is get money to thrive. They land their spaceship in a cornfield and walk to the closest place they can find, a gas station. They walk up to the gas pump and demand it give...

I was trying to figure out how to fix my mouse...

Then it clicked

I once stayed up all night trying figure out where the sun went

Then it dawned on me

My grandfather died last night. They couldn't figure out his blood type in time to give him a transfusion. He was such an inspirational guy to the very end though, I'll never forget his last words to me.

"Be positive"

I think Noah might be the craziest of Biblical figures; hearing God, building an ark, gathering animals

The whole thing sounds delugional.

What is the difference between a Star Wars action-figure collector who smokes e-cigarettes and a Catholic Priest?

One is a toy-loving vapist, and the other...

A friend of mine was trying to figure out the best way to break up with her boyfriend.

She seemed awfully concerned that he not be angry.
"Are you afraid he'll spread lies about you?" I asked.
"I don't mind the lies, but if he ever tells the truth, I'll break his neck," she answered.

If Caitlyn Jenner were an action figure....

would she be an X-Man or a Transformer?

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A man with 3 girlfriends is trying to figure out which one of them to marry.

There was a man who had 3 girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each 1 $5000 and see how each of them spent it.

The first 1 went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the m...

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There was a nerd who understood every joke.

No matter how cryptic or vague the joke was, he always figured out the punchline. Soon, people started to make bets with him, trying him out. However, every time was the same, he would win the bet. His popularity rose up and soon people would crowd around him as he took more and more bets, cheering ...

An archeologist finds three coffins. The first two have ornate drawing of a person covering each of their front sides. The third one, however, possessed only a primitive sort of stick figure. Who did the archeologist think was buried in the last coffin?

The coffin painter

My wife has a knockout figure.

If she walks into you.

How did the man figure out his soup was too chunky?

He'd been chomping at the bisque.

I couldn’t figure out why the season of The Apprentice I was watching was going on for so long. Each week someone gets fired, but we never seem to get down to the final winner!

Then I realized, I was just watching the news.

I Hate Trying to Figure Out Which Light Switch Goes to Which Room

It's a process of illumination.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"How did you figure out your wife had died?" asked the friend.

"Well, the sex was the same, but the dishes were piling up."

For five years I simply couldn't figure out how to use a seatbelt.

then it clicked.

Why are North Korean Figure Skaters so good?

It's all about the Execution

How would you figure out whether someone is an AI robot or a human in Reddit?

Nice try bot.

In memory of my father, who died of blood loss because sadly no one could figure out his blood type.

As I stood beside him it was incredibly moving to hear him repeat, over and over, these inspirational last words: "Be positive, son! Be positive!"

Father, I don't know if you can hear me, but if you do, just know I will always remember to be positive.

A man was arrested this evening in the park for pubic indecency in front a bronze figure of a young girl.

He was reportedly charged with statutory rape.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I can't figure women out...

I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted.

I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic.

I spent $1,000 on lip job for her and she couldn't thank me enough.

I spent $50 on a blowjob for myself and she lost her shit! Women, I can't figure t...

What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure?

A waist of time.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm trying to figure out why masturbation jokes get so many up votes?

Can anyone give me a hand?

Gabriel's horn is a geometric figure which has infinite surface area but finite volume

This is in contrast to a vuvuzela which has a finite surface area but infinite volume

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I couldn't figure out why my computer stopped working until I opened it up and found some cockroaches inside...

Though, I did get it working again after some thorough debugging.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a green-skinned, pointy-eared Star Wars action figure driving a Japanese car?

A toy Yoda driving a Toyota.

Historically, the Inuit are one of the few groups of people who never lose their temper. After decades of research, scientists were able to figure out why...

They’re nomads.

I was trying the figure out how lightning works.

Then it struck me.

What was the best part of the Pyeongchang Olympic figure skating?

The Koreagraphy.

A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

A bunch of 80s action stars dressed up as Skid Row for Halloween but they couldn't figure out who would be the lead singer.

But Arnold Schwarzenegger said "I'll be Bach"

I couldn’t figure out why my Twitter feed only showed videos of Ex vice presidents dancing.

Turns out it’s just the Al gore rhythm

How do you figure out that your girlfriend is getting too fat?

She starts fitting into your wife's clothes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was driving with my wife trying to figure out what to have for lunch

I asked her, "what do you want"?

She said "five guys".

I slapped the shit out of her.

Mr Mushroom just couldn’t figure out why he wasn’t popular at the party?

He thought he was a fungi.

How did Darth Vader figure out what Luke was getting for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

Selling all of my old tennis equipment but I can't figure out

What's the net worth?

Did you hear about the stick figures who didn’t understand each other?

They were on different pages.

How do spiders figure out what they're having for dinner

They search the web

How did Pinocchio figure out he was made of wood?

He was jacking off one day and his hand caught on fire.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I've been meeting girls off Jdate lately. They always seem to figure out I'm not Jewish when they see my willy.

I wonder if it's because of the Swastika tattoo I've got down there.

Some scientists were trying to figure out why crows were dying in Massachusetts

A team of scientists from MIT saw a statistic that said 80 percent of crow deaths in the state were because the crow had been hit by a truck. They decided to investigate why that was, and the results were pretty interesting. Crows often eat roadkill, so it wasn’t surprising that they were getting ki...

I wrote a program that figures out if soup is made from scratch or from a cube

It returns a bouillon Boolean.