This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is every American receiving a $1200 check?

Because Trump always pay off the people he's fucked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest checks into a hotel room and says to the front desk "I hope the porn is disabled"

The front desk lady says to him "no, it's just normal porn you sick fuck"

How do you check the weight of a Red Hot Chilli Pepper

You give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did one butt check say to the other

Together we can stop this crap

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A man has been drinking alone all day at a bar and checks his clock

"1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to rip my balls off", thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor.

"I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up."

So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes lat...

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A elderly man walks into a crowded hospital waiting room for a check up

He goes up to the receptionist and she says “what are you in here for sir?” The man reply’s “there’s something wrong with my dick” disgusted the receptionist reply’s “you shouldn’t say such things in such a crowded place” “well what am I supposed to say then?” The man reply’s “something like there’s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor, can you please check my lungs?

Doctor, can you please check my lungs? I have been having little difficulties with breathing lately.

Doctor: Sure I can. Places the stethoscope on his back...

Doctor: you masturbate??

I do. A lot actually. why??

Doctor: Can you please stop. I can’t listen.

Me- Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?

Alexa- apple juice

Jim, Scott, and Alex check into a hotel.

Jim, scott,and Alex check into a hotel and find out they’ll have to walk up 30 flights of stairs because the elevator is broken. To pass time while they walk, Jim decides he’ll tell jokes, Scott will sing songs, and Alex will tell sad stories. So Jim tells jokes for 10 flights, Scott sings songs for...

A photon checks into a hotel...

The receptionist asks him if he needs help with any baggage.

"No thanks, I'm traveling light."

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A man finds an old dusty beer bottle, it feels like there's something inside so he rubs the dirt off to check and out pops a genie!

Smoke lifts from the stem of the bottle as a man appears floating in mid air wearing cargo shorts and a snapback.

Genie: "alright sport you get one wish make it count"

Man: "but I thought I got 3 wishes?"

Genie: "oh so one wish isn't good enough for you huh? You know when I was ...

I used my stimulus check to buy baby chickens

Money for nothing, and the chicks for free

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The king of a country has planted a razor in the queen's vagina in order to find out which guard she is cheating with.

in the evening, while she is sleeping.

Next day comes, and he orders them to get undressed to check on their penises, and sees that each one's was cut except for a single one's. The king yells:

\- Finally, a loyal guard to his king and country! All of you traitors should have followed ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three couples check into a hotel for their honeymoons.

The man at the front desk has a game he likes to play. When the first couple checked in, he asked the bride what her job was. She said she was a maid. The man thought to himself "Maids are hot. This guy's going to have a fun honeymoon."

When the next couple checked in, he asked the bride the...

What’s the best way to check Reddit’s knowledge of dad jokes?

A Pop quiz

I encountered a young cashier while checking out.

My total was $4.07 to so I handed him a $5 bill and 7 pennies. Confused, he said, "This is too much, just give me the $5 bill." I tried explaining to him that I didn't want change back. This situation still had him bewildered as if he doesn't understand the basics regarding math and money.

I ...

Larry, the clumsy carpenter, was using his tablesaw and leaned in close to check he was following the line he had marked on the plank.

ZANNGGG! His left ear gets neatly severed, tumbles through the air and lands in the pile of sawdust.

Screaming in pain and panic, Larry drops to the ground, one hand pressed against his head and the other sifting through the sawdust.

Joe, hearing the commotion, races over to help. When...

What’s the most important thing to check before rollerblading naked?

Your helmet is in good condition.

Corona Virus Symptoms Basically Are The Same Feelings You Get When Your Wife Is Checking Your Phone

-Difficulty In Breathing -Sweating Profusely

-Weakness

-Headache

-Stomach Ache

And when you are asked a question the dry cough starts.

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There was an eighty year old man who went to the doctor for his annual checkup, and when the doctor finished checking him over, he was amazed and said

“Sir, you have the body of a 40 year old, and the physique of a 20 year old; tell me, what’s your secret.”

The old man replies “Well I have a very good relationship with the lord, so much so, that when I go to the bathroom at night he turns the light on for me.”

Now the doctor was just...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard they were making a new Power Rangers show, so I checked it out.

Since the producers wanted to show to be more fluid to all people, they decided to bring in new rangers. They had all the usual colored rangers, but then they started to add a few more as the show went on.


There were three new rangers that had different disabilities. One was colored ora...

A blonde and a lawyer are on a plane

And they’re sitting next to each other. The lawyer gets bored and decides to play a game.

He asks the blonde to join. The lawyer says “we’ll each ask each other a trivia question. If you get it right, you earn $5. If you get it wrong, the other person earns $5.”

Well, the blonde isn’t...

A time traveler arrives in the year 2069 and decides to check in with Reddit to see if it's still around.

To his surprise it is. So he heads to /r/jokes to see what has developed in the world of humor.

To his surprise, each post consisted of just a number. Scrolling through, he saw that each vote had a hundreds of upvotes while 3527 had thousands and several awards to boot.

Puzzled, he ...

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A man and his wife checked into a hotel.

An hour after checking in, the man calls the front desk.

Man- "My wife and I had a fight and she is going to jump out the window."

Help desk- " It's your personal matter and we cant help in this situation. "

Man- " Personal matter my ass the window doesn't open."

A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck, finishes his drink, and asks for the check.

Duck billed platypus.

A man is checking out at the grocery store.

He buys a dozen eggs, two boxes of pasta, waffles, a bag of onions, lunch meat, oatmeal, sparkling water and throws on a pack of gum at the register.
The woman behind him says "you must be single"
"Why yes I am! Did you figure this out by noticing all the stuff I bought?"
"Nope, it's becaus...

Why is it if banks have become so smart that they can allow you to deposit a check from a picture,

but they won't let you do the same thing with a picture of cash?

Today at the bank an old lady asked me to check her balance

So I pushed her over

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A family checks into a hotel for a vacation...

with their two teenage boys. This will be the first vacation where the boys will have their own hotel room, and their parents are looking forward to some quality time together.

The father checks them all in and gives the two boys their keys. The father knows all too well what teenage boys are...

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A farmer went out to check on his chickens and saw that the cock was missing.

Well he also happen to be the pastor of the town and the following Sunday before they started the sermon he asked
"Who has a cock?" All the men stood up.
"No i mean who has seen a cock?" All the women got up.
"No i mean who has seen a cock that isn't theirs?" Half the women stood up.
"...

I hate when my daughter tells that she feels embarassed when I show up in her workplace and check on her

But this is the only strip club in the town ..

They call it Mormon but the last time I checked the men are always after more women.

My GF thought her joke was hilarious.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes for a prostate exam.

The doctor is checking him out when he finds a roll of $100 bills stuffed up his ass. He pulls out the money and counts it.

“You’re not gonna believe this, but I just found $1900 shoved up your ass!”

The man says, “Well that makes sense. That’s why I haven’t been feeling too grand.”

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just
HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.”

The social worker behind the counter said, “Your timing is excellent!”

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bod...

Two ducks check into a hotel for their honeymoon. The we’re making out and the male duck said “I forgot to bring any condoms!” So he phones reception to see if they can help out. “Condoms? Of course sir. Should I put them on your bill?”...

“No way! If you did that I’d suffocate!”

I was checking the weather on my phone and thought "Holy sh*t there's gonna be lightning"

Then I realised my phone was charging.

Mandatory temperature checks will be required for attending the Foreigner reunion concert

If you’re hot blooded, they’ll check it and see

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife and me checked into a motel recently...

On the counter was a promotional card... said 24/7 adult entertainment channel available in every room.

So I asked the desk clerk... can you make certain that the porno channel for our our room is disabled...?

She said: no - it's just regular porn, you sick bastard.

Double checking

Peter escaped the Mental Hospital and then calls....



P: Hello is there anybody on Room 168?

Nurse: Upon checking, there's no one in there, why do you ask?

P: Just making sure I've escaped :D

The political parties can't agree on what a second economic stimulus package should look like. Democrats want every American to receive a $1,200.00 check, while Republicans favor giving everybody 10 pounds of Parmesean cheese.

The GOP wants to "Make America Grate Again".

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and...

I hate fencing. Whenever I check Reddit after I parry...

It’s always a riposte.

Daily Covid-19 check

At 7 p.m. open the whiskey bottle and smell it.

If you can smell, you are not infected.

Then pour it in in a glass tumbler.

Taste it. if you can feel the taste, you are not infected.

\~ Dr Johnny Walker

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor to have his balls checked..

"Doc, there's a dull pain in my balls."

"A dolphin?"

"No. A pain that is dull."

"Let's see. Your scrotum *looks fine* but there seems to be some sort of lump on your testis."

"Aren't they the same thing?"

"No, sir! There's a vas deferens."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is Democracy? A boy is asked at school as homework.

So the little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is democracy?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalist. Your Mom spends the money, so we'll call her the Government. Nanny is working at home for money, she's the w...

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Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a car...

... And they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.

The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"

The ...

So the Pope arrives at heavens gate

St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between my stimulus check and my penis?

My wife will blow my stimulus check

At the Doctor's for a check-up

Doctor: Please, can you open your mouth and say "Ah"?

Me: Oh, ah, ah, ah, ah!

Doctor: Yup, I was right. It appears you are "down with the sickness".

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.

Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: "Well? Are you still coughing?" The patient replies: "No, I am afraid to."

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the madam. "Is this a union house?" "No, I'm sorry, it isn't," she replied.

"Well, ill pay you $100. what cut do the girls
get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."
Offended at such an unfair operation, the
man stomped off down the street in search of
a more equitable shop. Finally he reached a
brothel where the madam said hers was a
union house...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller, “I want to open a fucking checking account.”

The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.”

The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation.

The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. <...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man stores his money in a bank

A well looking man is at the bank and wants to deposit 100,000$, the bank manager gets closer to him and says:

"I have notice that you deposit huge amounts of cash every few days, is it OK if I ask, where to do find the money?"

"I'm betting" says the man

"what kind of betting?"<...

I just got a check from the rubber company

It bounced

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

A doctor says to a man getting his eyes checked...

Doctor: The results are not good
Man: Can I see them
Doctor: Probably not

Car check

Two blonde girls were driving home one night when one asked the other to check if the car's indicators are working.

She promptly sticks her head out the window and says: "Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no."

A man walks into a bank and asks to open a checking account

Bank teller: Do you want a savings account too?

Man: No.

Bank teller: Ok, just checking.

A man dies, and wakes up on a beach...

There are girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him.

"Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me." he says. The guy wa...

Three friends are out fishing, having a competition to see who can catch the biggest fish.

The first guy says “Ill use worms as bait, surely this will catch the largest fish. My dad was a fisherman for all of his life, and taught me all of his tricks to catching the biggest fish. There is no possible way you guys can beat me.”

The second guy bursts out laughing. “You expect to catc...

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A woman goes in to see her doctor for a check up....

The doctor, after the examination, returns with the results

D: "Ma'am, you might want to sit down... It looks like you're pregnant"

W: "What?! That's impossible! I told you I haven't been sexually active in over a year!!"

D: "Yes Ma'am, that might be because it looks like you're...

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old mate, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you're the boss...

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I do not want just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.

The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your ...

Did you hear about the programmer who was apprehended before he could check in his code?

He was arrested for a crime; he didn’t commit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 nurses walk into a patient's bedroom only to find him dead.

The first nurse goes to check on him and notices that he had a massive erection so she tells the other nurses to give him a good send off by have sex with him. The first nurse does it and stops after getting tired. The second does the same and stops to share with the third nurse. The third nurse was...

A monkey is smoking a joint

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says "Hey, what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint. Come up and join me"

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they have another joint. After a while, the lizard ...

A Father's Promise to his Three Sons

A man spoke to each of his three sons when he sent them to college. “I feel it’s my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a gesture of appreciation, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die.”...

My daughter has a habit of checking for letters before coming home.

"How many letters are there in the letterbox today?"

"DAD! I'm sick of you always telling me there are 9 letters!"

King Arthur is on a mission and must leave the castle.

He worries that his wife, Queen Guinevere, may not stay faithful to him while he goes on his journey. So, he devises a belt that would poison the member of any man who attempts to have intercourse with her. The flesh will rot away, and it will need to be chopped off. With everything in place, he lea...

3 Irishmen and 3 Englishmen are buying train tickets

The Englishmen all buy a seperate ticket, 3 in total. The Irishmen however buy only one ticket for the three of them.

One of the Englishmen asks: "Won't you guys get thrown off the train?"

"You'll see," say the Irish.

After riding the train for half an hour, the six men see the ...

Billy Bob parked his rig in Florida for a few days before driving back home. He was about to dive into the surf but figured he'd better check out the alligator situation with the townsfolk. "Nope, no gators here," a local as- sured him.

Billv Bob had swum out 50 led before his
brain kicked in again. "Hey. how come there
ain't no gators in here?" he yelled back to the
guy onshore.
"Because they're afraid of the sharks," came
the reply.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man who barely looks of age walks into a bar...

...and orders a shot of whiskey. After checking his ID, the bartender pours him one. The young man grabs the shot glass and throws it back, slams it down on the counter and orders another.

The bartender pours it and again the young man slams it back and demands one more.
The bartender rel...

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Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied.

Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new monk arrives at the monastery ...

He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sherlock and Watson returned from a walk around London. Sherlock says "Damn, I think stepped in some dog shit. Watson, can you check?" After checking the shoes of the detective, Watson confidently announced

No shit Sherlock

A Russian, went to USA for an eye check up.

The Doctor shows the letters on the board: CZWXNQSTAZKY

Doctor: Can you read this ?

Russian: Read ??? I even know this guy, he’s my cousin.

How does the deaf gynecologist check up on his patients?

He reads lips

Christian Horse

A Christian guy named Bill saw ana d online for a Christian Horse, so he went to check it out. The horse's owner said, "It's easy to ride him. Just say 'Praise the Lord!' to make him go and 'Amen!' to make him stop."

Bill got on the horse and said, "Praise the Lord!" Sure enough, the horse ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pastor is hiring a new bell boy to ring the church bell.

So a boy walks in with no arms, that wants to apply for the job. The pastor says "I don't think you qualify". The boy responds with "nonsense, let me show you"

They head up the bell tower. The boy proceeds to get a running start and headbutts the bell to make it ring. The pastor shakes his he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was checking into a hotel

with my family and was concerned about my kids mistakenly watching the porn channel on the tv. I asked the clerk, " Is the porn channel disabled?" The clerk responded, " No, it's regular porn you sick bastard!"

"Doctor, doctor, I'm invisible! You need to check me out, I need help!"

"Well I'm sorry but I can't see you right now, please come back some other time".

[Long] A man goes into a hotel with a built-in restaurant

He checks in, goes to his room to read, then he goes to the restaurant and sits on one of the central tables.

He then orders the meal and waits for it, but he also notices that the waiter seems to always serve guests who are sitting near the room's walls.

The man gets a bit irritated...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I should have checked....

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Whiteout.
I woke up this morning with a huge correction!.

A Pinoy dies and goes to hell...

A Pinoy (Filipino) dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks "What do they do here?" He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight" the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him... He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you u...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you're concerned about your new partner's sexual history, and you don't want to catch genital warts, imagine you're playing chess, not craps.

So don't roll the dice. Check first, and then mate.

A nun, badly in need of a restroom, walked into a local hooters. The place was hopping with music and load conversations and every once in a while, the lights would go out.

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt in cheers.

The nun walked up to the bartender and asked, “may I please use the restroom?”

The bartender replied, “OK, but I must warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.”

“Well, in ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blonde walks into a bank

A blonde walks into a bank in New York city, and talks to the bank's loan officer, asking for a loan.

Loan officer: "How much do you need to take a loan out for?"

Blonde: "Only $1000."

Loan officer: "Do you have collateral?"

The blonde pulls out the keys to a 2016 Ferrar...

Checking out a girl is like checking out a game

You love it, but you can't afford it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During my annual check-up today, I asked my doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life?" He replied, "I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus right now." I said, "Sorry, but I don't really believe in any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kenny the rooster.

A couple saw an Ad for a rooster named Kenny in the paper for 100.00 and got curious. They called the seller and asked why he was so expensive. He said the rooster will fertilize everything he can get ahold of, and was a sure thing. He even talks occasionally. They went to see him.

When t...

i am StationEd at North korea to check the status of their leaDer.

everyone HerE is so hostiLe and Pleasant.

A guy walks into a bar after a stressful day at work and gets a beer for himself

As he sits there, alone in the bar, he hears a high-pitched voice say, "That shirt looks great on you!”
The man looks around, doesn’t see anyone, and returns to his drink thinking nothing more of it. But then, a moment later, the voice returns, this time offering, “You seem like a really cool guy...

Two parents are arguing about whose child is the most stupid.

"Mine is very stupid", says the first one. "And to show you what I mean: Hey son, take this dollar and go buy my a piano! You saw him! He's going!"

"Nah... mine is even more stupid" replies the second one. "Hey son, go to the cafeteria to check if I'm there. Check him out!! He left."

L...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pilot

A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Tampa Airport. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa . I want to thank you for flying with us today
and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area".

He forgets to switch off the inte...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is in his living room and hears a knock on his door

He gets up to check it, and sees no one, so he is about to shut the door and he hears a voice say “down here”, so the man looks down.

There is a snail on the ground, and he asks, can I stay the night in your house, it’s really cold. The man says “piss off mate” and kicks the snail down the r...

This joke was originally told to me in Chinese - let’s see if it flows just as well in English

An emperor with finds out that there is a spy inside his grand army. He decides to interrogate every single person in the army.

A young trooper in the army does not speak the emperor’s native language, and is worried that he would be suspected as the spy. His friends in the army, however, dec...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor for a check up and is asked by the doctor, "how often do you have sex with your wife ?"

Man: Almost everyday.

Doctor: 2 or 3 times a week?

Man: no almost everyday, on sunday, almost, Monday, almost, yesterday almost ...

Wife was checking her husband's phone and saw a contact named COVID19

Wife was checking her husband's phone and saw a contact named COVID19. She called the number and her own phone rang.

Husband is now in isolation.

I head into my office to print something out, but the printer is out of paper...

I got some paper to refill it, and that's when I noticed something interesting. The paper company was advertising it's social media accounts... I wondered what the Paper Company was doing with an Instagram account so I decided to check them out. Turns out a large percentage of their posts were about...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW

So as a young marine gets on his ship he asks the captain what he is to do about his sexual urges. The captain takes him to the bottom of the ship into a room with blue lights. In the middle of the room there is a barrel with a hole in it. The captain looks at the young man and says “this barrel wil...

Last night I was returning from a party. I was high and saw there was a Police checking

Last night I was returning from a party. I was high and saw there was a Police checking. Was scared at that very moment but then immediately got down from the driving seat and sat on the back seat.
After few mins. an officer came and asked me to move my car ahead for alcohol test.

I said:...

I was checking out this ant hive, and found a hole with all their young, and the queen deep in thought and anxious.

Apparently, it was her brooding chamber.

Why did the vulture check his baggage at the airport?

He wasn't allowed any carrion

I found myself wide awake early this morning and couldn’t get back to sleep. I checked the time.

4:04
Sleep not found

Stock check for Charlie!

It's that time of the month for a young lady, so she goes into a drug store looking for pack of her usual brand. She sees that particular shelf is empty, so asks the older woman at the checkout if they have any large Tampax in stock.

The woman replies that they should have inventory back ...

Millionaire Blondy

A blonde woman walks into a bank in New York City before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.

The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"

The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."

The banker, stunned, asks, "A $...

I wanted to do some last minute panic buying. Then I checked my bank account.

Now all I can do is panic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets diarrhea and decides to ask for help to his neighbor who happens to be a doctor.

He crosses the road and rings to the door.
The neighbor welcomes him in:

“Hey, how are you? Sorry if I’m in a hurry but I need to leave in half an hour and I’m still packing. Do you need anything?”

“Oh, I didn’t know, sorry to bother you, I just wanted to ask for advice really quick...

The girl at the Delta Airlines check-in desk said "Window or Aisle" ?

I replied "Window or you'll what ?"

A woman asks the carpenter to fix the wardrobe...

Translated from Persian:

A woman asks a carpenter to fix the wardrobe in their house, because when the train is passing by the house, the wardrobe shakes and makes noise. When the carpenter arrives to the house he tells the woman: "I'll go inside the wardrobe and close the door, and when the ...

Romie couldn’t take his eyes off of Julie

and so one day he plucked up the courage to ask her out on a date. He told her to meet him at the new fancy Italian restaurant at 7pm.

Romie got their early and Julie arrived at bang on 7pm as agreed. They both walk in to the restaurant and the waiter takes them to a romantic table alone in ...

Wow, I'm getting a $1200 check from the President

I feel kind-of like Stormy Daniels.

...well actually this check is for a future stimulus, Stormy's was a check for a past stimulus.

Three guys are stranded on an island...

There's a white, black, and chinese guy that are stranded on an island together. Trying to figure out how to survive, they decide to divide up responsibilities. The white guy's job is to look for food and water. The black guy's job is to build shelter. And the chinese guy's job is to look for suppli...

An old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and he said, ‘Things are great and I’ve never felt better.’

I now have a young bride who is pregnant with my child.

“So what do you think about that Doc?”

The doctor considered his question for a minute and  then began to tell a story....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do men check out women's rear?

Historically, men at sea were trapped and killed by Mermaids who attracted them using their upper body beauty. Soon, the word was spread among all the sailors/pirates and subsequently to the whole world to check out women's rear to save yourself from murderous mermaids.

Thank you for coming t...

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