A photon checks into a hotel.

A photon checks into a hotel.

\- Do you need help with your luggage, sir?

\- No, i'm travelling light.

A married man left work early on Friday and went out for a few drinks with the boys. Instead of going home, however, he ended up partying with them all weekend and spent his entire pay check.

When he finally returned home on Sunday, his wife was furious and berated him excessively.
After a couple of hours of nagging and scolding, she asked him "**How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days**?!?"


"That would suit me just fine!!" the man said.
...

***SPOILER ALERT***

Check your milk's expiration date.

I hate when my daughter tells that she feels embarassed when I show up in her workplace and check on her

But this is the only strip club in the town ..

I was having dinner recently with Garry Kasparov and there was a check tablecloth.

It took him 2 hours to pass me the salt.

I had a chance to check my buddy's homework in the elevator

It was wrong on so many levels.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A farmer goes outside to check his livestock

While observing the cattle he notices that he needs to clean up the accumulated manure in one of his corrals. So he gets the tractor and pushes the muck into a pile on the edge of the pen. As he does this, the pile leans against the fence causing the wood to break and splinter. The farmer turns to h...

Today at the bank an old lady asked me to check her balance....

So I pushed her over, and told her to work on it

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A family checks into a hotel at the check-in desk the dad turns to his wife and says "i hope the porn is disabled"

To which the check-in clerk replies "I'm afraid it's just normal porn u sick fuck"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents **took the first man** to a large metal door and handed him a gun. ‘We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .. . . kill her!!'

The first man said, 'You c...

A photon checks into a hotel

When asked if he wanted help with his bags, he said, "No, it's ok, I'm traveling light"

A panda walks into a bar. Orders a meal and quietly eats it. When the bartender comes with the check, the panda pulls out a shotgun, shoots the bartender, and prepares to leave the bar. The bartender, on his last breath, screams “Why?!”

The panda pulls out a dictionary, points to the entry on pandas, which reads:
Panda (n.) – Eats shoots and leaves.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I zipped up my jeans and got my penis caught in the zipper. I painfully shouted out.....

"Username checks out"

An elderly herd of hearing woman goes to the doctor for her annual check up.

As the doctor is listening to her lungs , he says - Big Breaths.

The lady giggles and says - oh young man , you should have seen them when I was young.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between your dick and a bonus check?

Someone's always willing to blow your bonus

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She told me that I have to stop wanking.

I asked, "Why?"

She replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor to do a general check up.

The doctor prescribes him some tests and tells him they'll be done in an hour. After an hour, the doctor comes back and tells the man that he has good news and bad news, and asks which one he'll like to hear first. The man asks for the bad news and the doctor replies that he has cancer.

Shoc...

So a doctor gives a guy a check-up, tries to take his heart beat, nothing, his heart is where his stomach is, his intestines where his lungs should be, and his liver where his stomach should be, i guess you could say his insides were...

Un*organ*ised

A young couple are trying to save money on their summer vacation. They bring their bags to the discount airline desk to check in.

“Do you have reservations?” asks the woman behind the counter.

​

“More than a few,” the young man answered, “but we’re flying with you guys anyway.”

As the child's dad goes to check up on him, the child says "Dad, I can't sleep"

Dad: "Why not?"

Kid: "Do you see that monster under my bed?"

Dad: \[looks under bed\] "Oh my god... yes!"

Kid: "Well, I drank the whole can!"

How do you know when a Reddit user has left their hotel?

Their username checks out.

This is why you check for kids

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a ba...

A group of chess enthusiasts check into a hotel and are standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager comes out of the office and asks them to disperse.

​

“But why?” they ask, as they move off.

​

“Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

A patient went to the Doctor and asked him to check his leg

"Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"


The doctor cautiously places his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Give me $10! I'm desperate! I need $10!"


"I've never seen or heard anything like this before! How long has this been going on?" the ...

Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

Witness: No.

Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?

Witness: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Witness: No.

Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

Witness: No.

Attorney: How can you be so...

My check engine light came on, so I popped the hood

my engine was still there.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The man that made spell check died today

May he rust in piss

An employee’s only job was to throw away M&M’s that weren’t perfect. His boss came to check on him, and found he had thrown away almost half of the M&M’s. When asked why, the employee replied...

“A lot of them had W’s instead of M’s, so I threw them out.”

The saudi king was walking in the streets, dressed as a commoner to check up on his subjects

He found a destitute man, whose toes were coming out of his shoes.

The king was surprised by what he saw, and walked to the man and asked ''why are your toes coming out of your shoes?''

The man replied '' my feet have out grown my shoes, and i don't have any money to buy a new pair.''...

When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.

I still don't know if I like self-checkout.

The only thing that brings joy to me anymore is when I need to get up early and if I wake up in the night and check my phone and it's still 6 hours left to sleep.

Or not needing to get up early at all, now that I think about it.

I have this obsession to check whether the oven is off and the doors are locked.

I really hate my job at the crematorium.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is walking down to the docks to check out his new boat.

As he approaches he sees a honest to goodness pirate ship docking nearby. He is beside himself when he sees the most stereotypical pirate hobbling off the boat.

The pirate has a red bandana, a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eyepatch. The man can't help himself, he has to talk to the guy.<...

A person invented a new computer and called his friend to check it out...

Person:- this computer can think like a human

Friend :- how?

Person :- whenever it does something wrong, he blames it on other computers.

I just passed a background check.

Turns out what happens in Vegas really does stay in Vegas!

A man comes home from work and checks his answering machine

There is a message from his doctor.

"Hello Mr. Stevens, this is Dr. Smith's office. We need to speak to you right away Please call back at your earliest convienence"

The man calls the doctor's office. The doctor answers.

The man says "Hello doc it's Jim Stevens. You left a mess...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman at grocery store proceeds to the check out...

She greet the male cashier with a friendly smile and starts placing her groceries on the belt.

She places on the belt a single banana, a single serve tinned soup, and a microwave meal for one.

The cashier scans her items, turns to the lady and says “So, single are you?”

The ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Frank the penguin is driving down the highway in his convertible, with the top down, enjoying the cool breeze on a hot summer day when he notices that his “check engine” light is on.

He pulls over into the nearest auto body shop, and after a few minutes of inspection, the mechanic tells him that there’s something up with the oil and it should only be about 30-35 minutes.

“You have some time to kill, why don’t you head into town for a few minutes?” the mechanic suggests. “...

I really want to buy one of those grocery store check out dividers...

But the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back.

One night, a wife buys two bottles of vodka, and the next morning she checks on the bottles and tells her husband,

“Last night I bought two bottles of vodka, and today there is only one left. Where did it go?”

The husband responds, “There were two?”

I got fired from my job at the bank. An elderly lady came in and asked me to check her balance

One broken hip later and I’m unemployed.

A man checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room.

Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, “You’ve given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?”

The desk clerk says, “Sir, that’s absurd. Have you looked for the door?”

The person says, “Well, there’s one door that leads to the bathroom. There’s a second door that goes into the cl...

What do chess and eating at a restaurant in Australia have in common?

They both end with a check mate

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A nurse in a mental institution goes to check on Charlie, one of the inmates and finds him sitting up in bed, pretending to drive a car. She asks, "Are you okay Charlie?" Charlie replies, "I can't talk right now! I'm busy driving to London for a meeting!"

So the nurse closes the door and goes to check on Bob in the next room.

She finds Bob sitting up in his bed, wanking furiously.

"Bob, what are you doing?!" asks the nurse.

Bob grunts, "I'm fucking Charlie's wife! He's gone to London for a meeting!"

A concerned mother checks her son into a mental hospital after he traded the family cow for some “magic” beans.

“Ma’am” the doctor said with a look of sympathy “I’m afraid your son has a strong case of schizophrenia.”

“Oh good lord, I knew there was something wrong when he insisted those beans were magic” the mother said wiping a tear from her eye.

“Well no it’s not that, the beans are actually ...

Went to my doctor today for a check up and afterwards he told me my prostate was in peak physical condition....

I thought it was a strange thing for a dermatologist to say but hey good to know

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A nurse checks her coat pocket...

but instead of finding her pen, finds a rectal thermometer. "Fuck!" she exclaims. "That asshole has my pen!"

I have a friend who collects an unemployment check

His name is socialism, he doesn't work.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

/u/username hates the hotel he is staying in and starts packing his stuff.

Username checks out.

My friend invited me over to check out his new apartment. When I arrived he said "please make yourself at home".

So I threw him out. I hate guests.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A wife asks her husband, "Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?" "No" said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a silky bra, and pulled out a crumpled twenty-dollar bill.

He took the crumpled twenty-dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him...

I think the girl at the American Airlines check-in just threatened me.

She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle.”

I laughed right in her face and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”

Why do crows never check their bags at the airport?

They prefer carrion.

A greedy old miser dies alone. In his will he's divided his fortune between his pastor, his doctor, and his lawyer with one last request...

The old man's will states that he wishes to take his fortune with him. His final request is that these three, the last man on earth he feels he can trust, each bring their allotment of his fortune to his funeral, ten million each, and deposit the money in his coffin and bare witness as it's sealed a...

If you were an owl how often would you check your back?

Owl the time

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Welfare check

A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a ...

Dave and his girlfriend check into the hotel room.

As soon as they walk in, the girl immediately jumps up on the bed and lays in a spread eagle.

She asks - Dave, do you know what it means?

Dave - yeah, that you wanna sleep on this bed all by yourself.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up.

Everything checked out fine.

The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ”Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”

The doctor smiled and said, ”Have you tried to give him Viagra?”

The lady frowned. ”Well no...

How does NASA check if there is life on mars?

They go there and see if “local girls in your area dying to meet you” ad pops up.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW - A man checks him and his family into a hotel.

Receptionist: room 412, sir. Enjoy your stay.

Man: I assume the porn is disabled?

Receptionist: no, it’s just regular porn you sick fuck...

Robin: The batmobile won't start. Batman: Check the battery

Robin: What's a tery

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Man in hospital bed wearing an Oxygen mask "Nurse" he mumbles "are my testicles black?" Nurse raises his penis and checks his testicles..she takes a close look and says, "They are fine Sir" Man takes off oxygen mask, smiles and says very very slowly, thanks for that, but listen very carefully,

"Are-my-test-re-sults-back?"

Body check

If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.

Last night I rode my bike to a bar here in town

and I had a few beers, followed by a few bourbons and a number of shots.....
I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before, I locked up my bike in a secure place, and I took a cab home.
Sure enough, there was a police check point ...

Sister told me the police were going to do a welfare check on my aunt...

Could have swore that she got those in the mail....

4 year olds first pay check

4-YEAR-OLD'S FIRST PAY CHECK

a truly heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little 4-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time. Love the ending!

Young family moved to a...

Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM.

Confused, I asked him what he was doing... He said: “Just checking my balance.”