How do you check the weight of a Red Hot Chilli Pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

Photon checks into a hotel

A photon checks into a hotel. The bellboy asks if he can carry it's luggage and the photon replies "No thanks, I'm traveling light."

The school I went to was so rough that they had to check students for weapons at the gate.

If you didn’t have one, they gave you one.

Check eMail Address Before Sending

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 35 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis an...

A married man left work early on Friday and went out for a few drinks with the boys. Instead of going home, however, he ended up partying with them all weekend and spent his entire pay check.

When he finally returned home on Sunday, his wife was furious and berated him excessively.
After a couple of hours of nagging and scolding, she asked him "**How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days**?!?"


"That would suit me just fine!!" the man said.
...

An old man checks out the local Nudist Colony to see if he wants to join

The clerk invites him to take a nude, self tour. He agrees and proceeds to go for his tour, completely naked, sporting only his cigar... not five minutes into his stroll he sees a beautifully shaped young lady in the buff which aroused him quickly... the young lady, noticing his erection decides to...

I hate when my daughter tells that she feels embarassed when I show up in her workplace and check on her

But this is the only strip club in the town ..

An 80yr old couple go to the doctors for a routine check up.

The doctor comes back with the results and says "Physically you are both fit as fiddles for your age. However mentally you are both beginning to lose it a bit. My suggestion for now is write things down when you think of them, that way you can keep on top of your to-do's".

So they go home, re...

I dared my friend into running into a cucumber field holding a bottle of vinegar... my friend tripped and spilled vinegar everywhere. Shortly afterwards, a farmer came to check on the commotion and began scolding my friend...

Guess my friend got himself in a bit of a
Pickle.

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Watch what you buy on ebay...be careful you check out the sellers..I sent $95 for a penis enlarger

...basturds sent me a magnifing glass

A man goes to the doctor for a check,

and the doctor exams him and says I've got bad news, you've got cancer and Alzheimer. The man goes Thank god I don't have cancer.

So I finally decided to check out the local trans convention

It was such a drag.

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The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents **took the first man** to a large metal door and handed him a gun. ‘We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .. . . kill her!!'

The first man said, 'You c...

Just before we paid the check at a restaurant, a cute waitress saw some leftovers and asked my dad “you wanna box?”

“Nah, I would rather wrestle”

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I had to provide a stool sample to my doctor the other day to check why I haven’t been feeling good.

The nurse just called me and said they can’t find it. I’m so mad that I totally lost my shit!!

***SPOILER ALERT***

Check your milk's expiration date.

I was having dinner recently with Garry Kasparov and there was a check tablecloth.

It took him 2 hours to pass me the salt.

So a doctor gives a guy a check-up, tries to take his heart beat, nothing, his heart is where his stomach is, his intestines where his lungs should be, and his liver where his stomach should be, i guess you could say his insides were...

Un*organ*ised

A panda walks into a bar. Orders a meal and quietly eats it. When the bartender comes with the check, the panda pulls out a shotgun, shoots the bartender, and prepares to leave the bar. The bartender, on his last breath, screams “Why?!”

The panda pulls out a dictionary, points to the entry on pandas, which reads:
Panda (n.) – Eats shoots and leaves.

When on a date with a German, never ask them to get the check.

Last time, it got misheard after World War One.

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A farmer goes outside to check his livestock

While observing the cattle he notices that he needs to clean up the accumulated manure in one of his corrals. So he gets the tractor and pushes the muck into a pile on the edge of the pen. As he does this, the pile leans against the fence causing the wood to break and splinter. The farmer turns to h...

I had a chance to check my buddy's homework in the elevator

It was wrong on so many levels.

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I zipped up my jeans and got my penis caught in the zipper. I painfully shouted out.....

"Username checks out"

A patient went to the Doctor and asked him to check his leg

"Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"


The doctor cautiously places his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Give me $10! I'm desperate! I need $10!"


"I've never seen or heard anything like this before! How long has this been going on?" the ...

A man in Soviet Russia checks into a hotel for the night.

He goes up to his hotel room, which he has to share with three other men. He tries to get to sleep, but they're talking, drinking vodka and listening to music. He goes down to the receptionist and asks her to send up a cup of tea in ten minutes.

Ten minutes later, he knocks on the wall and sa...

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A man goes for a medical check up for his new job. He told his doctor not to be alarmed because he has 5 penises.

Doctor : how does your pant fit?!??

Man : like a glove

Police officer during random road check: "Any drugs?"

"No Sir, we got enough of everything in the trunk."

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A family checks into a hotel at the check-in desk the dad turns to his wife and says "i hope the porn is disabled"

To which the check-in clerk replies "I'm afraid it's just normal porn u sick fuck"

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I went to my yearly check up at the hospital...

My doctor asked me, "Did you ever smoke before?"

"Only after sex."

"But it says here that you're a virgin."

I replied, "Exactly."

Classic Giggle (I will forever double check before I send an email)

**After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.**

**Unfo...

Kids look under the bed before going to sleep to check there is no monster.

Monsters check there's no Chuck Norris

This is why you check for kids

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a ba...

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I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She told me that I have to stop wanking.

I asked, "Why?"

She replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

As the child's dad goes to check up on him, the child says "Dad, I can't sleep"

Dad: "Why not?"

Kid: "Do you see that monster under my bed?"

Dad: \[looks under bed\] "Oh my god... yes!"

Kid: "Well, I drank the whole can!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between your dick and a bonus check?

Someone's always willing to blow your bonus

What does a username do when its hotel stay ends?

It checks out.

How do you know when a Reddit user has left their hotel?

Their username checks out.

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A man goes to the doctor to do a general check up.

The doctor prescribes him some tests and tells him they'll be done in an hour. After an hour, the doctor comes back and tells the man that he has good news and bad news, and asks which one he'll like to hear first. The man asks for the bad news and the doctor replies that he has cancer.

Shoc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The man that made spell check died today

May he rust in piss

A group of chess enthusiasts check into a hotel and are standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager comes out of the office and asks them to disperse.



“But why?” they ask, as they move off.



“Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

My check engine light came on, so I popped the hood

my engine was still there.

A young couple are trying to save money on their summer vacation. They bring their bags to the discount airline desk to check in.

“Do you have reservations?” asks the woman behind the counter.



“More than a few,” the young man answered, “but we’re flying with you guys anyway.”

The saudi king was walking in the streets, dressed as a commoner to check up on his subjects

He found a destitute man, whose toes were coming out of his shoes.

The king was surprised by what he saw, and walked to the man and asked ''why are your toes coming out of your shoes?''

The man replied '' my feet have out grown my shoes, and i don't have any money to buy a new pair.''...

An employee’s only job was to throw away M&M’s that weren’t perfect. His boss came to check on him, and found he had thrown away almost half of the M&M’s. When asked why, the employee replied...

“A lot of them had W’s instead of M’s, so I threw them out.”

The only thing that brings joy to me anymore is when I need to get up early and if I wake up in the night and check my phone and it's still 6 hours left to sleep.

Or not needing to get up early at all, now that I think about it.

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During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

A person invented a new computer and called his friend to check it out...

Person:- this computer can think like a human

Friend :- how?

Person :- whenever it does something wrong, he blames it on other computers.

Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

Witness: No.

Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?

Witness: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Witness: No.

Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

Witness: No.

Attorney: How can you be so...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking down to the docks to check out his new boat.

As he approaches he sees a honest to goodness pirate ship docking nearby. He is beside himself when he sees the most stereotypical pirate hobbling off the boat.

The pirate has a red bandana, a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eyepatch. The man can't help himself, he has to talk to the guy.<...

I have this obsession to check whether the oven is off and the doors are locked.

I really hate my job at the crematorium.

When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.

I still don't know if I like self-checkout.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman at grocery store proceeds to the check out...

She greet the male cashier with a friendly smile and starts placing her groceries on the belt.

She places on the belt a single banana, a single serve tinned soup, and a microwave meal for one.

The cashier scans her items, turns to the lady and says “So, single are you?”

The ...

I just passed a background check.

Turns out what happens in Vegas really does stay in Vegas!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nurse in a mental institution goes to check on Charlie, one of the inmates and finds him sitting up in bed, pretending to drive a car. She asks, "Are you okay Charlie?" Charlie replies, "I can't talk right now! I'm busy driving to London for a meeting!"

So the nurse closes the door and goes to check on Bob in the next room.

She finds Bob sitting up in his bed, wanking furiously.

"Bob, what are you doing?!" asks the nurse.

Bob grunts, "I'm fucking Charlie's wife! He's gone to London for a meeting!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Frank the penguin is driving down the highway in his convertible, with the top down, enjoying the cool breeze on a hot summer day when he notices that his “check engine” light is on.

He pulls over into the nearest auto body shop, and after a few minutes of inspection, the mechanic tells him that there’s something up with the oil and it should only be about 30-35 minutes.

“You have some time to kill, why don’t you head into town for a few minutes?” the mechanic suggests. “...

A man comes home from work and checks his answering machine

There is a message from his doctor.

"Hello Mr. Stevens, this is Dr. Smith's office. We need to speak to you right away Please call back at your earliest convienence"

The man calls the doctor's office. The doctor answers.

The man says "Hello doc it's Jim Stevens. You left a mess...

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A wife asks her husband, "Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?" "No" said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a silky bra, and pulled out a crumpled twenty-dollar bill.

He took the crumpled twenty-dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him...

I really want to buy one of those grocery store check out dividers...

But the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back.

A man checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room.

Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, “You’ve given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?”

The desk clerk says, “Sir, that’s absurd. Have you looked for the door?”

The person says, “Well, there’s one door that leads to the bathroom. There’s a second door that goes into the cl...

I got fired from my job at the bank. An elderly lady came in and asked me to check her balance

One broken hip later and I’m unemployed.

One night, a wife buys two bottles of vodka, and the next morning she checks on the bottles and tells her husband,

“Last night I bought two bottles of vodka, and today there is only one left. Where did it go?”

The husband responds, “There were two?”

My friend invited me over to check out his new apartment. When I arrived he said "please make yourself at home".

So I threw him out. I hate guests.

Went to my doctor today for a check up and afterwards he told me my prostate was in peak physical condition....

I thought it was a strange thing for a dermatologist to say but hey good to know

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nurse checks her coat pocket...

but instead of finding her pen, finds a rectal thermometer. "Fuck!" she exclaims. "That asshole has my pen!"

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