This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I zipped up my jeans and got my penis caught in the zipper. I painfully shouted out.....

"Username checks out"

So a doctor gives a guy a check-up, tries to take his heart beat, nothing, his heart is where his stomach is, his intestines where his lungs should be, and his liver where his stomach should be, i guess you could say his insides were...

Un*organ*ised

A panda walks into a bar. Orders a meal and quietly eats it. When the bartender comes with the check, the panda pulls out a shotgun, shoots the bartender, and prepares to leave the bar. The bartender, on his last breath, screams “Why?!”

The panda pulls out a dictionary, points to the entry on pandas, which reads:
Panda (n.) – Eats shoots and leaves.

As the child's dad goes to check up on him, the child says "Dad, I can't sleep"

Dad: "Why not?"

Kid: "Do you see that monster under my bed?"

Dad: \[looks under bed\] "Oh my god... yes!"

Kid: "Well, I drank the whole can!"

A patient went to the Doctor and asked him to check his leg

"Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"


The doctor cautiously places his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Give me $10! I'm desperate! I need $10!"


"I've never seen or heard anything like this before! How long has this been going on?" the ...

My check engine light came on, so I popped the hood

my engine was still there.

An employee’s only job was to throw away M&M’s that weren’t perfect. His boss came to check on him, and found he had thrown away almost half of the M&M’s. When asked why, the employee replied...

“A lot of them had W’s instead of M’s, so I threw them out.”

A woman asked me to check her balance in the bank.

So I pushed her over.

How do you know when a Reddit user has left their hotel?

Their username checks out.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The man that made spell check died today

May he rust in piss

I have this obsession to check whether the oven is off and the doors are locked.

I really hate my job at the crematorium.

The saudi king was walking in the streets, dressed as a commoner to check up on his subjects

He found a destitute man, whose toes were coming out of his shoes.

The king was surprised by what he saw, and walked to the man and asked ''why are your toes coming out of your shoes?''

The man replied '' my feet have out grown my shoes, and i don't have any money to buy a new pair.''...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is walking down to the docks to check out his new boat.

As he approaches he sees a honest to goodness pirate ship docking nearby. He is beside himself when he sees the most stereotypical pirate hobbling off the boat.

The pirate has a red bandana, a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eyepatch. The man can't help himself, he has to talk to the guy.<...

A person invented a new computer and called his friend to check it out...

Person:- this computer can think like a human

Friend :- how?

Person :- whenever it does something wrong, he blames it on other computers.

This is why you check for kids

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a ba...

A man comes home from work and checks his answering machine

There is a message from his doctor.

"Hello Mr. Stevens, this is Dr. Smith's office. We need to speak to you right away Please call back at your earliest convienence"

The man calls the doctor's office. The doctor answers.

The man says "Hello doc it's Jim Stevens. You left a mess...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman at grocery store proceeds to the check out...

She greet the male cashier with a friendly smile and starts placing her groceries on the belt.

She places on the belt a single banana, a single serve tinned soup, and a microwave meal for one.

The cashier scans her items, turns to the lady and says “So, single are you?”

The ...

What do chess and eating at a restaurant in Australia have in common?

They both end with a check mate

I really want to buy one of those grocery store check out dividers...

But the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back.

Went to my doctor today for a check up and afterwards he told me my prostate was in peak physical condition....

I thought it was a strange thing for a dermatologist to say but hey good to know

One night, a wife buys two bottles of vodka, and the next morning she checks on the bottles and tells her husband,

“Last night I bought two bottles of vodka, and today there is only one left. Where did it go?”

The husband responds, “There were two?”

A man checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room.

Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, “You’ve given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?”

The desk clerk says, “Sir, that’s absurd. Have you looked for the door?”

The person says, “Well, there’s one door that leads to the bathroom. There’s a second door that goes into the cl...

I got fired from my job at the bank. An elderly lady came in and asked me to check her balance

One broken hip later and I’m unemployed.

I have a friend who collects an unemployment check

His name is socialism, he doesn't work.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A nurse checks her coat pocket...

but instead of finding her pen, finds a rectal thermometer. "Fuck!" she exclaims. "That asshole has my pen!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A wife asks her husband, "Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?" "No" said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a silky bra, and pulled out a crumpled twenty-dollar bill.

He took the crumpled twenty-dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Frank the penguin is driving down the highway in his convertible, with the top down, enjoying the cool breeze on a hot summer day when he notices that his “check engine” light is on.

He pulls over into the nearest auto body shop, and after a few minutes of inspection, the mechanic tells him that there’s something up with the oil and it should only be about 30-35 minutes.

“You have some time to kill, why don’t you head into town for a few minutes?” the mechanic suggests. “...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A nurse in a mental institution goes to check on Charlie, one of the inmates and finds him sitting up in bed, pretending to drive a car. She asks, "Are you okay Charlie?" Charlie replies, "I can't talk right now! I'm busy driving to London for a meeting!"

So the nurse closes the door and goes to check on Bob in the next room.

She finds Bob sitting up in his bed, wanking furiously.

"Bob, what are you doing?!" asks the nurse.

Bob grunts, "I'm fucking Charlie's wife! He's gone to London for a meeting!"

A concerned mother checks her son into a mental hospital after he traded the family cow for some “magic” beans.

“Ma’am” the doctor said with a look of sympathy “I’m afraid your son has a strong case of schizophrenia.”

“Oh good lord, I knew there was something wrong when he insisted those beans were magic” the mother said wiping a tear from her eye.

“Well no it’s not that, the beans are actually ...

/u/username hates the hotel he is staying in and starts packing his stuff.

Username checks out.

How does NASA check if there is life on mars?

They go there and see if “local girls in your area dying to meet you” ad pops up.

Dave and his girlfriend check into the hotel room.

As soon as they walk in, the girl immediately jumps up on the bed and lays in a spread eagle.

She asks - Dave, do you know what it means?

Dave - yeah, that you wanna sleep on this bed all by yourself.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up.

Everything checked out fine.

The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ”Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”

The doctor smiled and said, ”Have you tried to give him Viagra?”

The lady frowned. ”Well no...

Why do crows never check their bags at the airport?

They prefer carrion.

If you were an owl how often would you check your back?

Owl the time

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Welfare check

A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a ...

My friend invited me over to check out his new apartment. When I arrived he said "please make yourself at home".

So I threw him out. I hate guests.

I think the girl at the American Airlines check-in just threatened me.

She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle.”

I laughed right in her face and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW - A man checks him and his family into a hotel.

Receptionist: room 412, sir. Enjoy your stay.

Man: I assume the porn is disabled?

Receptionist: no, it’s just regular porn you sick fuck...

How did the photon get through baggage check at the airport so fast?

It was traveling light.

Body check

If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.

Question in Med school exam - Answer the following Question. When a young girl faints, you immediately touch and check her p - - s -

Only the people who answered

P U L S E,

passed the exam

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Man in hospital bed wearing an Oxygen mask "Nurse" he mumbles "are my testicles black?" Nurse raises his penis and checks his testicles..she takes a close look and says, "They are fine Sir" Man takes off oxygen mask, smiles and says very very slowly, thanks for that, but listen very carefully,

"Are-my-test-re-sults-back?"

WH advisors: Mr. President federal employees didn’t receive their last check, they can’t even afford to buy their families bread!

Trump: I have the most tremendous solution, let them eat cake.

Sister told me the police were going to do a welfare check on my aunt...

Could have swore that she got those in the mail....

Y'all check out my new mixtape:

It's called GPA and it's boutta drop next week.

&#x200B;

Last night I rode my bike to a bar here in town

and I had a few beers, followed by a few bourbons and a number of shots.....
I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before, I locked up my bike in a secure place, and I took a cab home.
Sure enough, there was a police check point ...

Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM.

Confused, I asked him what he was doing... He said: “Just checking my balance.”

How does Anakin Skywalker check his mail?

He uses a C3 PO Box

4 year olds first pay check

4-YEAR-OLD'S FIRST PAY CHECK

a truly heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little 4-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time. Love the ending!

Young family moved to a...

Robin: The batmobile won't start. Batman: Check the battery

Robin: What's a tery

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How to check who loves you more: your wife or your dog?

Lock them up in a basement for a few days. Then let them out. Who is more happy to see you?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into the doctor's office for a check up.

The man is new in town and it's his first time in the clinic. The doctor starts by checking the man's blood pressure.

Doc: Have you any history of heart disease in your family?

Man: Yes, actually. My father suffered a number of heart attacks.

The doctor reaches for his stethosc...

I don't have to check wikipedia for information since I got married.

Wife knows everything.

Photon checks into a hotel

Receptionist: do you need help with the luggage?
Photon: no thanks, I'm traveling light.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A police officer catches Dave duck-hunting, checks to make sure he has the right license.

So Dave went hunting in the woods, one day, and ***BAM!***, shot a duck.

A bored, nearby trooper waiting in his patrol car near the highway hears the gunshot, gets out, and runs into the woods to find Dave holding the duck.

The trooper yells, pointing at Dave, "You stop right there! L...

A man checks into a hotel on a business trip

The hotel is one of the most resplendent hotels imaginable, a surprise as the man was expecting rather bland accommodation. As comes with such high standards, there is a computer in the man's room.

He decides to send an e-mail to his wife, but unfortunately typed in the wrong messaging addres...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A 30 year old guy goes to the doctor for a check up

After running some labs and checking vitals, the doctor asks the patient some questions.

Doctor: How often do you drink?

Patient: I've never touched the stuff.

Doctor: What about tobacco use?

Patient: Never tried it. Never will.

Doctor: Do you use any recreation...