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An English man meets a Chinese woman in his travels...

They fall in love and live a happy life in England. The woman, however cannot speak in English and has to have her husband translate for her. One day, the man was rather busy and asked his wife to make duck breast. She goes to the butcher but then realizes she doesn’t know how to tell him what she w...

Two dead bodybuilders meet each other in hell

Dude 1: Hey there man, you know where I can get a protein shake around here?


Dude 2: There’s no whey in hell

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A king summons three of his most loyal subjects to a meeting

The king looks at the first man, who was named Rand.

"Rand, kiss my hand!" he orders.

Rand obeys him and kisses his hand. The king looks at the second subject, who was called Lee.

"Lee, kiss my knee!"

Lee obeys and kisses his king's knee. The king turns in the direction o...

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business. His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!"

"I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard ...

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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge...

‟I should be in charge,” said the brain , ‟Because I run all the body‘s systems, so without me nothing would happen.”


‟I should be in charge,” said the blood , ‟Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you‘d waste away.”


‟I should be in charge,” said the stomach,‟ Bec...

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"So, Doctor van Helsing, we meet at last," said the Count.

van Helsing turned slowly. The castle library was lit in patches by the bright moonlight spilling through the windows, and otherwise only in a circle of yellow gold by the Dutchman's candle. He had never even heard the door open or a hint of a footfall; and yet there Count Dracula was, less than twe...

What happens when nitrogen meets oxygen?

Do they become nitrogen monoxide? NO.

Do they become nitrogen dioxide? NO2.

Do they become nitrogen trioxide? NO3.

They become nitrous oxide! The joke is not very funny, but the gas still makes people laugh.

Three crows planned a meeting and only two of them showed up

They were charged for attempted murder

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Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to California. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why Hooters?"
"They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the
gorgeous legs."
"You're on."
At age 42, they meet and play golf again "W...

Two guys meet each other in the middle of the street. One of them asks the other: "hey, aren't you the guy who always gets mistaken for someone else?

The other guy replies: "no"

Putin and Obama meet in Moscow

They're debating the merits fo their respective societies. They argue about moral values and which country is doing better.

Obama: I've heard that all Russian are alcoholics.

Putin: That's a Russophobic myth. I bet there's not a single drunk out in Moscow tonight.

Obama: I don'...

Three men ascend to heaven and they meet St Peter at the pearly gates.



St. Peter makes it clear to the men that they can only come in if they’ve never drunk, never smoked and never been unfaithful to their wife. The first man steps up and says: “Hiya Pete, I’ve never smoked, never drunk and never been unfaithful to my wife.”

The first man gets the nod o...

A Catholic bishop, a Baptist minister, and a Jewish Rabbi meet in a bar.

The three men sit next to each other and begin talking about life and the aspects of their various faiths. The town they all lived in was in a very heavily forrested area and after a couple of drinks the men have an idea.

Each man puts down a couple hundred bucks and they decide to have a com...

Two women go to heaven and meet St Peter

He told the two women you can do anything you want here in heaven but please do not step on a duck because they make a terrible noise and racket.

The two women agreed and entered heaven. One day, one of the women accidently stepped on a duck and sure enough it made such a terrible noise and ...

So a time traveler meets George W Bush...

Time Traveler: "What year is it?"

George Bush: "2001"

TT: "Before or after the 9/11 terrorist attack?"

GB: "Before"

I need everyone to wish me luck. I have a meeting at the bank later and if all goes well, I will be out of debt.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask.

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

two hardcore trump supporters die and ascend to heaven.

God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions.
One of them says, “yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?”.

God says, "my son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232”.

Afte...

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It's the second day on Noah's Ark and all the animals are meeting up with their counterparts.

The unicorns find each other, and the first unicorn introduces himself, saying "Hi, my name's Frank." The second unicorn says "Hi Frank, I'm Jerry!" The unicorns in unison say "Oh shit..."

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Apparently my family is racist

I had them meet my new black girlfriend and they all started screaming at us. Especially my wife.

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A man goes to a bar and meets an escort...

...after talking to her fr a bit, he asks her, ‟Alright.Enough talk.How much is it gonna cost me for a handjob?”

‟$50,” She says.

‟$50 for a handjob? You have got to be kidding me!” He replies.

‟Come over here,” She says.‟See that car outside?” She points to the window.He looks ...

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A guy meets a sex worker in a bar.

She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $100 as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays $100 on the bar, and says slowly. "Paint…my….house."

*Teacher to Student* T: "Use the word 'centimeter' in a sentence"

S: ‟My grandma was arriving at the train station so i was centimeter”

T: ‟No, no, that‘s ‘Sent to meet her‘. Okay, try another one. Use ‘contagious‘ in a sentence please”

S: ‟I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!”

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*NSFW* John is sent to prison and he meets his 6’8” 320 pound cell mate

Cell mate says, “We are going to be here a long time, so you choose whether you want to be the husband or the wife?”

John is scared but he knows what to pick to make his life a little easier, “I’ll be the husband” he says confidently.

Cell mate, “ Good, now come here and suck your wife...

You meet this guy named Terry...

You laugh in his face and tell him it's a girl's name.
He gets aggravated and shoots you.
You died from dysentery.

I asked my date to meet me at the gym, but she never showed up.

I guess we aren’t going to work out.

I told a joke over my zoom meeting

It wasn’t even remotely funny

Two long lost friends meet on the street.

1st Guy: "So what've you been up to?"

2nd Guy: "Just got back from Africa where I taught a famous tribe to play cards."

1st guy : Really! Zulus?"

2nd guy: "Nope, won every time!"

A minister of a church meets with the church council

A minister of a church meets with the church council

The council says, “These are dire times. The church only has $5 million and we need about $10 million to survive”.

They all sit quietly, looking sad about this news. The minister then gets up and leaves the room.

The minister ...

A priest, a drunkard and an engineer are sentenced to death by guillotine. The executioner as the priest if he wants to be face up or down when he meets he fate. The priest says he’d like to die face up looking towards heaven...

... The blade comes down and stops just before the priest’s neck. This is seen as a sign from God and the priest is set free. The drunkard is asked the same question and responds with face up hoping he’ll be saved like the priest. The blade again stops inches from the neck and the drunkard is f...

A woman placed an ad in a news paper. 'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements.

1. He shouldn't beat me.
2. He shouldn't leave me.

Third and most important.

3. He should be great in bed.


One week later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.

The man said, "Hi, I'm Peter. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't hav...

God has a meeting with the board of Archangels. He turns to Archangel Joe.

G : "So where are you at with the punishment list for the 2020s??"

J : "All done"

G : "What?"

J : "Yeah, all the punishments for 2020 have been passed"

G : *facepalms* "That was supposed to be for the whole decade not one year you idiot."

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

A guy meets a girl in a bar

Guy to a beautiful girl he just met at a bar “You look a lot like my 3rd wife”. She asks “How many times have you been married?” Guy “twice.”

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Two old friends meet at the supermarket and one says

"Hey, man! How have you been?"

"Oh, great," says the other. "I have recently bought an elephant."

"An elephant? Are you serious?" asks his friend.

"Yeah, man. The kids love him, he's their best friend. They call him Mr Trunks. He washes my car with his trunk. I don't need to cut...

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A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange th...

A snail goes to a car meet.

A snail goes to a car meet.
Another snail goes up to him and says
"Sweet ride, is this yours?"
1st snail responds
"naw, it was my friend's. He passed away last year."
2nd snail says.
"Damn, my condolences. He has great taste though. "
1st snail then says
"yeah, escargots 0...

My wife always said, "If anything ever happens to me I want you to meet someone new."

Turns out that her getting stuck in traffic doesn't count as "anything".

Two housewives who are friends meet, one says:

"Yesterday my husband bought me 20 red roses. Guess I'll have to spread my legs for two weeks".

"How so?" asks the other. "Don't you have a vase?"

Priest calls a town meeting about rumors of ghosts... (long)

In a small rural town rumors start to spread that people are seeing ghosts, so the new and inexperienced priest hears about these rumors and decides to call a town meeting to get to the bottom of these rumors. After everyone arrives the priest then starts the meeting with a question: "Who here has s...

This Halloween, I waited all day for my friend to meet me at the play park

What kind of friend says “Let’s go see Saw” and doesn’t turn up?

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

“Thank you honey,” she says, “Is there anything I can bring back for you?”
He laughs, and says, “An Italian girl!”
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, “How was the trip?”
“Very good,” she replies.
“And what happened to my present?”
“Which present?” sh...

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A guy is due to meet his friends for drink at a bar but arrives late. When he does eventually turn up his friends ask why he is late.

The guy says, “Well, you won’t believe what just happened. I was walking my usual route via the rail tracks when suddenly I saw a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks. Of course I untied her and we had sex because I freed her.”

The friends are cheering and one friend asks, “So… did y...

Two men meet in hell...

Person 1: You seem like a nice guy. How did you die?

Person 2: Hypothermia from staying in the fridge for too long. You?

Person 1: I wanted to suprise my wife by coming early from a buisness trip than I told her.
When I arrived I was sure she cheated on me, I could hear sound comin...

My girlfriend invited me to meet her parents.

Before we went over, she let me know that her father, Dale, was in a car accident and had his legs amputated at the hips. Apparently, it was a sensitive issue, and I was not to mention it.

When we arrived, her dad greeted us at the door. Not seeing his wife anywhere, I said to him, “Dale, it...

I got a call from my doctor to meet him.

I went to his room and he asked me to pick a star sign.

I said 'Sagittarius'.

He said 'Nah, you got Cancer'.

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A Couple Meet Online

They were both members of a senior chat site, and eventually started PMing each other, and then decided to meet in person.

That's when she discovered her mistake: she thought it was for seniors in college, where she was a cheerleader, but it was actually senior citizens. Her date was 73 year...

Zoom meetings are basically seances with the living...

Brian, are you there? Make a sound if you can hear us. Is anyone with you? Can you hear us?

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A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years ...

Jerry was at a store meeting about some new covid procedures.

The manager said "Ok, listen up. Jerry, this means you. When you see a customer approach, stop 'em and ask about their health, temperature, and cough. Then..." he paused. "Jerry? You payin' attention?"

"Yeah, I hear you." said Jerry.

"Ok." he continued. "If they don't have a mask, just...

Two long time friends meet at the gym.

After they finish working out they go into the locker room to shower and change clothes. One guy looks over and sees his friend putting on a thong and he says since when do you wear women’s underwear? The other guy says since my wife found them in the glove compartment.

Supervisor told everyone at the meeting "make sure your costumes are tasteful, and appropriate."

Im dressing up as seasoning

I don't know how my girlfriend will react when she finds out that I sleep with almost everyone I meet.

Guess I'll have to stick around and find out.

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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' sh...

It would be cool meeting Mark Zuckerberg

He knows everything about you, your interests, etc.

I keep meeting bi women on the apps

Every time I say hello they say Byeee

I want to speak to President Trump

One sunny day in late January 2021 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.  He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump." The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir,...

You think Trump is bad? You should meet Covid-19 Donald

He's like Trump on steroids.

When I meet women, I immediately start talking about global warming.

It's a real icebreaker.

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A man goes to Vatican to meet the Pope

A man goes to the Vatican to meet the Pope. When he arrives there is a long line of people waiting.

The man has a fresh haircut, wears his best suit and polishes his shoes to make sure he looks as good as possible.

The pope comes out and begins to bless and shake hands with the people ...

Due to Covid, the seven dwarves have been told that they can only meet in groups of 6.

One of them isn't happy.

A serpent guard, a Horus guard, and a Setesh guard meet on a neutral planet. It is a tense moment.

The serpent guard’s eyes glow. The Horus guard’s beak glistens. The Setesh guard’s nose drips.

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The CEO of a company held a meeting and said, “We need to stop testing our products on Animals”

“Why? The shampoo companies do it.” somebody said
“That’s true, but we make dildos”

A redditor meets a girl

Ha!

A traveler meets a blind hermit

Who tells him:"There's a clear distinction between us, young man", to which the traveler responds thoughtful: I see.. "

A fat man meets a skinny man

The fat man tells the skinny man: "when people look at you, they think the world's starving to death"

And the skinny man responds: "when they look at you, they know why"

Two elitist gamers meet each other and discuss their favorite online games

Gamer 1: "You play WoW? LoL"

Gamer 2: "You play LoL? WoW"

Two redneck buddies meet.

\- Hey Bubba, whatcha got there?
\- Why, Cletus, this a thermos!

\- Thermos? Whut's that for?

\- It keeps what's hot to remain hot, and what's cold to remain cold.

\- And whut exactly do ya have in tha' thermos of yours, Bubba?

\- Chicken soup and two cones of ice cr...

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The 72 virgins were not what I expected

Turns out it was just a reddit admin meeting.

My long distance girlfriend called me saying she finally wants to meet me in person. I left her this message right before my phone died: “This is very important: I am not a man that normally makes huge commitments, but I think the time is right for us to see each other.”

Unfortunately, my phone died right after “man.”

Newton, Einstein and Pascal meet in Heaven.

They’re bored, so Einstein suggests they play hide and seek. Einstein starts counting to 10. Pascal runs to find a good hiding spot, Newton on the other hand stays in place. He draws a 1 meter by 1 meter square with chalk on the ground and stands in it. Einstein finished counting, turns around, noti...

Hear about the blonde arrested at the track and field meet?

He was caught smoking a joint at the high jump.

Two elderly women, Mabel and June, meet at a cafe for a cup of coffee and some cake

After a while, Mabel looks closely at June and says “You’ve got a suppository in your ear!”

“What?” replied June

“It looks like you’ve got a suppository in your ear!” Mabel said a little louder.

“Oh.” Checks June, “You’re right... Well, at least I know where my hearing aid is no...

Father: "Son, you were adopted.” Son: "What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"

Father: "We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will be here to pick you up in 20 minutes.”

We had a mandatory meeting at work today

Tory and Amanda weren't even there!!!!

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight...

(DISCLAIMER: VERY VERY BAD JOKE) Two mates come for a meet together after high school...

One has a new Mercedes S550L, the other has a beaten up VW Golf. The Golf guy tells his friend that he has something to show off to him.

They drive to a nearby car park.

The Golf driver opens his glovebox and whips out a lamp. He scratches it, a genie pops up.

He tells the gen...

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Two prostitutes meets at the bus to their corner.

"Hey hoe"

"Hey hoe"

"Off to work we go"

My friend and I had arranged a meeting to insult each other but he didn't show up

It was a diss appointment

An attractive man and a blonde meet in an elevator...

"Where are we heading today?" the man asks.

"I'm going down to give blood"

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"

"About $30."

"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100."

The woman slightly annoyed gets off the elevator....

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A boy asks his girlfriend over for dinner to meet his parents.

He tells her he will pick her up at 6 and his parents are seeing a show afterwards, so they will have the house all to themselves. She’s nervous, but also excited, so goes shopping to pick out some lingerie for their big night.

She and the chatty assistant just click and get to talking about...

An Indonesian ambassador and a Polish ambassador are meeting in America to discuss international relationships when the American embassy worker gets confused.

"Their country flags are so similar and confusing," the American embassy worker thought to himself, "How can I tell the Indonesian flag and the Polish flag apart?"

"Is the white strip located above the red stripe?" The embassy worker asked the ambassadors.

"Tak" replied the ambassadors...

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Three men meet in a prison yard, 2 of them are white and the other black.

The first white man asks the other, "What are you in for?"

"I raided my company's 401k, and stole millions from my employees. My lawyer says I'll be out within 3 years."

"I shot up an abortion clinic and killed 2 doctors, but my lawyer says I won't do more than 5 years."

They...

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A man meets a genie that will grant him 2 wishes

The man says: I want 5 million dollars.

The genie gives the man a briefcase filled with money and asks : what’s the other wish?

The man replies: I want a hot woman that will fuck me every night.

The genie says: a woman will stop by this evening and she’ll fuck you every night....

I asked the farmers to attend a meeting on Thursday morning.

None of them turnip.

A jockey was riding the favourite at a race meeting, and was well ahead of the field.

His horse rounded the final corner, when suddenly the jockey was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.

He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence....

A seagull meets a turtle in heaven

"So how did you die?" the seagull asks.

"Choked on some plastic." The turtle replies, "What about you?"

"I got crushed by a large hunk of plastic."

"Damn, never knew the Kardashians were so heavy..."

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An American and an Indian meet at a bar..

American: How the fuck do you marry a woman before you know about them?

Indian: How the fuck do you marry a woman after you know about them?

Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited

“Man I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!”

“No way!”

“Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.”

Twenty minutes later they’re ringing the doorbell at t...

Meeting of the minds...

Is this a meeting of the minds?
I certainly hope so. I lost mine and I was hoping it was in attendance.

A man meets a beggar

One day a man is coming back from work and he sees a beggar.
The beggar appears to have only one arm.
The man gives him a £10 note.
The beggar thanks him.

The next day he sees the beggar again.
The beggar looks at him and smiles.
The man gives him £5.
The beggar thanks him.<...

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Three Surgeons meet in a bar...

Three Surgeons meet in a bar and talk about their work. The first one says "I sew 2 fingers that were cut off back on a guys hand, and I did it so well that he still became a famous pianist". The second one says "Thats nothing, I sew a guys legs back to his torso and did it so well that he still was...

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After several dates, my girlfriend wanted me to meet her parents, so they invited me over for dinner. It did not go well...

During the meal, somebody started playing footsies with me under the table, then gradually moved up and kept rubbing until I came. Later, I told my girlfriend how much I had enjoyed the sexy play during dinner. She got so mad and said that it wasn't her. I guess I got off on the wrong foot.

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There lived a King who had a beautiful wife.. (NSFW)

On an important occasion, he had to leave his kingdom to meet another king! Since his wife was young and beautiful, he was worried that he may cheat on him with someone in his palace. So before leaving the kingdom, he slathered poison on his wife's tits.


The King returned after a couple o...

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When 2 dogs meet each other

(This is a joke my dad told me when I was a kid)

Once a long time ago, there was a king who loved hunting. His favorite method was hunting with dogs. So over the course of his life he gathered as many dogs as he could find and used them to hunt his game.

One day he came up to his dogs...

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A man accepts a job in a village with no women

Once there, he asks a local:

-There are really no women here?

-None.

-So... What do you guys do when you need to have sex?

-There is a donkey close to the river for that.

The man tries to ignore that and goes home, from where he can see the river and therefore, the...

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Three guys die and go to hell. The devil meets them at the gate and explains,

“Welcome to Hell. Here, I will subject you to ironic punishment.”

He turns to the first guy and asks, “What was your major vice in life?”

“Women,” The guy said, “I loved the company of women.”

“Very well,” the devil replied before opening the door to a room full of beautiful wom...

Two friends meet up, one of them has bandages over his ears

-Hey, man, what happened?

-Well, I was still sleepy when I was ironing my clothes in the morning, I heard my phone ringing and put the iron against my ear!

-Oh man, that’s rough. Hold on, you burned your ear, but why is the other one also bandaged?

-I immediately called an ambul...

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An evil black knight and a holy white knight meet on the field of battle

The black knight calls out to his opponent, "behold the power of my sturdy lance and my steed! We will conquer this land and enslave its people on behalf of the dark wizard!"

The white knight responds, "nary have I enountered such a vile and wicked man! The people of this holy land shall rem...

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A guy in a white collar prison meets his new cellmate.

"What the fuck happened to you?"

The new guy sits and unloads his story. "I'll tell you what happened to me. This fucking genie happened to me. I never told anyone this but a while back I found this lamp. I took it and a fucking genie came out and offered me three wishes. I didn't know anythi...

Two German platoons meet in a training camp.

One General asks the other:

"General, how do you keep your soldiers so tall and strong?"

"Easy" replies the other "I castrate them all!"

"How do you do that, General?" Inquires the first.

"With couple of stones!!" Answers proudly the second General.

"Isn't it too...

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A man walks into a bar he's never visited before, and settles down to order a drink.

Before long, he notices someone sitting in the corner - a man who appears normal in every regard except that his head is a gigantic orange. Curious, the newcomer asks the bartender "What's up with the guy in the corner? The one with the-" but the bartender interrupts and says "Honestly, your best be...

My Dog's Pretty Good In Making Ends Meet

By Chasing His Tail!


I'll show myself out....

If you ever meet an Indian say bohut

It means a lot to them

A Man meets God and asks

Man: God, how much is a 100 years for you?

God: Its nothing more than a second son

Man: How much is a million dollars for you?

God: Nothing more than a cent son

Man: Could you please give me a cent?

God: Just a sec !!

I said to my English speaking girlfriend, “Today I meet a guy who posts on Reddit.”

“That’s ‘met a’,” she replied.

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A woman goes to an AA meeting, introduces herself, "I've been through three relationships now and I just can't handle it anymore. My pussy is killing me." Someone interrupts and says, "I'm sorry, what does this have to do with your problem with alcohol?"

"What problem with alcohol? I just can't seem to give up the hard lickers!"

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A young couple that tragically died in a car crash before they could get married meets up in heaven.

As they are walking one day silently discussing something, God happens to be walking by and overhears their whispers.

God: My children, why do I hear two young people in love quarreling, what could be the problem?

Guy: Well we were actually just on our way to you and we were arguing ab...

Why do guys go to bars to meet women?

Go to target instead. The female to male ratio is 10-1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need.

A man crosses the border each morning on a donkey...

...and each day, his donkey is loaded with only bags of straw. When he reaches the bridge marking the border, the tax collectors search his bags to calculate what duty he must pay on his exports. Every day, they find nothing. And yet, in the evening, after their shift has finished and they are in th...

A man meets a woman at a bar and they go to her place. They're undressing and he drops his trousers.

She points to his messed up knees and asks what happened. He says, "when I was young I contracted kneesles."
She says, "you mean measles."
He says, "no, I actually got kneesles."
She shrugs and continues undressing.
When he removes his socks she looks at his sorry toes and asks about the...

What do you call a meeting of the Knights of the Round Table?

A *circonference*.

A man goes into heaven and there he meets Jesus

The man sees a wall of clock and asks Jesus, “What are all those clocks for?”

Jesus replied, “These clocks are for representing how much lies a person has told.”

The man points at a broken clock, Jesus said, “That is Mother Theresa’s clock, it has not moved therefore she has never lied...

Mrs Rosy Jones was going to the market in New York where she happened to meet Father Patrick.....

Father: "Hey, you are Rosy right? I got you married in New Jersey, when I was posted there".

"Yes Father" Says Rosy.

"How is your husband and the little ones ?"

"Husband is fine but so far, no children".

Father Patrick: "Don't worry, child. I'm going to Rome next week. ...

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Mr. Johnson joined a bowling team. "We meet at 8:00 every Saturday morning," said the captain. "Okay," said Mr. Johnson, "but I might be five minutes late for the first game."

That Saturday, Mr. Johnson arrived at exactly 8:00 and bowled a turkey with his right hand. When he left the bowling alley, he said, "Next week, I might be five minutes late."

The next Saturday, Mr. Johnson arrived at exactly 8:00 and bowled a six-pack with his left hand. When he left the bow...

A psychologist, a general, and a government official are tasked with reducing underage crime in a sample population put under their authority. Whoever drops it the most in a year, wins. After the year is done, they have a meeting to discuss their results.

The psychologist starts: "We lowered underage crime by over 20% in the last year, mostly by introducing counseling courses, and social assistance programs."

The General goes: "Crime is down by over 30%. Turns out, strict discipline and a one-strike rule can greatly affect people's habits."...

The people you meet as a firefighter are really weird sometimes.

I met this woman today who kept demanding I shave her baby.

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A man ask for absolution to a priest during conffession. The priest tells the man " is clear that you are too attached to money so as a penance give 20€ to the first person you meet outside of the church, it doesn't matter who he or she will be". So the man leaves the church and walks away

After a few minutes, finally, he sees someone, is a woman, from her appearance alone he understands that the she is a prostitute but he remember Father's words "it doesn't matter who he or she will be". So he approaches her and trys to give her the 20€. The woman is furious! "You think you can have ...

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant

He goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "$1". The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$5"....

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3 guys bet on who can make their wife scream more from sex

They make the bet and decide to all go home and have sex with their wives and compare results the next day.

Next day comes along and they meet to discuss. Guy #1 says “I fucked my wife so hard, she was screaming for like 20 minutes.” Guy #2 says “that’s nothing. I fucked my wife with a dildo...

I live in MD and the governor is all “Don't go to the bar. Don't meet up with your friends. Don't come home with an infection.”

Honestly, Gov. Larry Hogan is starting to sound like my wife.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead reach the steps to heaven, when they meet God.

As they are about to start climbing the 100 steps to heaven, God says, "Wait!"

"At every step I will tell you a joke, if you don't laugh, you can go to heaven."

The girls agree, and start climbing.

On the 27th step, the redhead starts laughing, and disappears.

On the 77t...

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Three families die and they meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates

St. Peter motions the first head of the family forward. "What have you done to deserve to get into heaven?"

The man dressed in a business suit said, "My family never wanted for anything and I provided whatever they needed."

"Yes." St. Peter said. "But you also loved money so much you m...

What do you call it when meeting up with people from dating apps?

Playing with matches.

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A chicken walks into a library...

The librarian lifts their gaze with a mixture of curiosity and surprise as the bird hops onto the counter. It tilts its head and, with an air of demand, clucks:

"Book!"

The librarian is taken aback at this odd display. The chicken impatiently taps one foot on the counter.

"Book,...

A man visits a wise man and meets his three daughters...

He's staying for the night and each of the girls come to him in turn to offer their hospitality.

The first one tells him her name is June because she was born in June. She is well practiced in fortune telling and gives him advice on the future.

The second one tells him her name is Augu...

My mom just got remarried and invited me over to meet her new husband.

When I got to her house, I found a strange man laying on the stairs to her porch. He looked up at me, grinned, and held out his hand. "Hi, I'm your new *step-*father."

Two snails meet. One says to the other: “What’s that bruise you’ve got there?”

“Oh, I just went jogging, and a mushroom shot out the ground!”

Your chances of meeting a unicorn are extremely low.

But they are still higher than the chance of you getting a girlfriend/boyfriend

TIFU by mistakenly dropping edibles in tonight's dinner, and my wife has a very important meeting...

I have no idea how high the steaks are...

Why are narwhals good at meeting new friends?

They are very good at breaking the ice.

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Hitler and Mussolini are in a war meeting when Mussolini's stomach starts rumbling

"If you'll excuse me Adolf," said Mussolini "I have to go drop a Duce."

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A man meets a woman at a bar and tells her he went to M.I.T

"I graduated in two years" he said as he ordered her a drink. "Now I have a good job."

She was very impressed, but slightly confused. "How did you graduate within two years? I thought most people need at least four?"

"Oh, I'm not that dumb" he said as the drinks arrived. She thought no...

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A fresh batch of military recruits come in and meets the drill sergeant

The sergeant looks at the men and says "I'll your all a bunch of yellow bellied pansies! Are ya!"

They all respond "Sir, no sir!"

"Really?" He responds and points to the end of the table they're standing next to.

At the end of the table, a giant alligator sits in a cage hissing ...

Little Billy came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home, Billy mentioned: Dad, our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs like that?

His father, thinking quickly, said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad, that's great," said little Billy.

A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad! Dad, we almost lost Mom t...

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A man takes a pleasant stroll on a Friday evening... suddenly, the Devil himself pops up in front of him

and whispers zombifyingly, "Take all the money in your purse, go to this casino, and put them on the number 27!"

The man is first shocked, then becomes curious, and quickly yields, goes to the casino, puts all the money on 27 and wins!

Excited he exists the casino and meets the Devil...

A sniper rifle and an assault rifle meet eachother at a dance party

They get along quite nicely and go out for a drink. The assault rifle falls in love with the sniper rifle, and decides to ask if the sniper rifle wants to be her boyfriend. However, the sniper rifle declines. Distraught, the assault rifle asks why he said no, to which the sniper rifle replies:
...

One night, a man and a woman meet at a bar

. After a drink or two, they start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors attending an out-of-town medical conference.
After about an hour, the man says to the
woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight-no strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun."
Considerin...

An Indian is meeting his future wife via an arranged marriage and he father for the first time...

An Indian is meeting his future wife via an arranged marriage and he father for the first time. Her father is a heart surgeon. At one point in the evening, the father pulls the man aside and says, "There is something you should know about Saanvi before you wed. I am her doctor as well as her fa...

Two guys are in a meeting at work

The first guy says "Hey I think we should stop testing our products on animals."



The second guy tells him "look, I know it sucks but animal testing is an unfortunate necessity in saving human lives - look at the pharmaceutical industry.



The first guy goes "yeah, but we ...

Adam meets a witch

The witch tells him: "Tell me I am pretty or you will be cursed"!

Adam: "Sorry, but I don't find you attractive."

Witch: "Take that back, or you most surely *will* be cursed!

Adam: "Nope. You're hideous."

The witch then transformed him into an ant.

Witch: "Look whe...

At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.



Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything.

"When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim."

Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they p...

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