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Image Jokes

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I remember when bandwidth was so bad, your porn was limited to downloading compressed folders of images over modems.

Sigh... * unzips *


Note: if this joke hasn't been made before, y'all are slacking. ;)

I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my laptop if I leave it idle for 10 minutes...

It's my screen savior...
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Antiwork did an interview on Fox News to try to create a good public image of their sub

It didn't work.
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Have you guys seen the new image from James Webb telescope yet? I heard it looks back in time like 13.7 billion years...

...and it still can't see the last time you got laid.
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We thought it was our ability to love that made us human,

but it turns out it was actually our ability to SELECT EACH IMAGE CONTAINING A TRUCK.
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A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...
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Could you image if America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight?

There would be mass confusion!
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I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat cunt sitting there holding his cock.

Then I realised the telly wasn't on.

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears: Bump! BUMP! BUMP! Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him!!

BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER! FASTER! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket...
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I was searching Google Images for Rorschach tests.

But all I found were pictures of my parents fighting.
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You have to be an adult to see Theodore, the guy who takes the medical images at the hospital.

After all, he's x-ray Ted.
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My buddy told me he was having a stone bust sculpted in his image...

I told him not to get a head of himself.
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My friend sent me a link to download the images from the James Webb Telescope.

I told him I would download them, but I don’t have space on my phone.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was watching the news this morning when the presenter said..

"A man has been arrested after half a million indecent images of children were found at his home in Bradford. Our reporter Gary O'Donoghue has more."

Gary, you filthy bastard.

What message does a quantum computer have when you view an image?

"Do you want to save changes?"
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What type of image formats do lion photographers use?

RAWR
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What's the most important thing when googling Gary Oldman images?

- The 'r'...
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Why doesn't anybody eat the toast after they see an image of Jesus?

I bet it tastes divine!
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If you search "pig" on Google Images, every image has the same file type.

They're all .jpigs.
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A Pakistani man found the image of prophet Muhammad in his tub of margarine.

He showed it to his Chinese neighbour who said

"I cannot believe it's not Buddha"
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They tried to cash in on Chuck Norris’s popularity by making a potty training seat for toddlers with Chuck Norris’s image on it.

But it failed miserably, because Chuck Norris doesn’t take shit from anyone.

Why doesn't Jesus like having the image of his crucifixion on church windows?

He's in too much *pane*.
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Baby you must be a vector image...

Cause no matter how close I look you're still perfect.
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Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women...

For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
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I have a friend who tried to take a selfie in the shower, but the image was too blurry

He has selfie steam issues.
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I tried to google image search Rorschach tests...

but all I could find were pictures of boobs.

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An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.

Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.

He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"

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I made a website full of sexy images of Archduke Ferdinand. It's called...

OnlyFranz

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A jihadist was preparing himself for his mission, when suddenly he's facing the image of his dearly departed comrad

"Ahmad! How is paradise?"

"Abdul, don't go through with the mission, it is not the paradise we were promised!"

"How is that possible? How could that be? Did you get the 72 virgins?"

"Yes, and that's the problem, Abdul... think about what kind of women dies a virgin."

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A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

The first image of a Black Hole will be revealed today

it will pull everyone together
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What image format does Gordon Ramsay hates the most?

.raw
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My penis is a lot like an image of a convex lens

Virtual, erect and highly diminished

What’s an image editor’s favourite country?

Ireland.

It’s royalty free.
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The government reveals their new logo today....

The government reveals their new logo today, on a black background sit a magnificent image of a condom.

I guess it makes sense, seeings as how a condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while bein...

The Royal Navy had the greatest public image, back in the day...

And why wouldn't they? After all, they impressed every sailor they ever met, and kept 'em in shipshape.
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In His Image

A son approaches his father and asks, "Dad, would you buy me a car?"

The father considers the question and replies, "I will, but only if you do well in school, become devoted in church, and cut your hair."

The son agrees and spends the next six months applying himself in school and chu...
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So I was making this image...

There's this cat, and he's trying to find out how much cheese there is in a gyro. He knows its radius and length, but he asks "I can haz cheez density?"

Yeah, I know, it's not very funny.

I should probably stop using math and feta memes.
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My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens o...
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Spent some cryptocurrency to take digital possession of an image of Gandalf killing the Balrog of Morgoth...

My first non-fungible Tolkien.
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We finally have an image of a black hole.

NASA could’ve just asked to see my bank account.
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A guy goes to a mental hospital for a psychiatric exam. The doctor shows the guy an inkblot image.

Doctor: "Look at this card and tell me what you think it is."

The guy studies it for a minute and says, "Well, not sure, but to me it looks like Rorschach Series 6, card number 9."
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Even after losing the election and his image, what is the one thing Trump still hasn’t lost?

His weight.
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God created man in his own image.

Then, why the fuck am I getting all the complaints for?

Manufacturing of the first coin to enter circulation carrying the image of King Charles is underway at the Royal Mint. As is tradition, Charles faces left on the new 50p

As when it comes to things involving her children, the Queen always looked the other way.
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It's a good thing technology can't unblur images and video

Because if it could, Japanese porn stars would clearly be fucked

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and sta...
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What do you get when you combine an image board website and a popular puzzle game show?

Wheel of 4chan!
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Beauty, self image and the ability to transform.

Martha was ugly like a shaven baboon,

So she wrapped herself up in a curtain cocoon.

After a week she finally emerged,

She smelled like shit what a psycho.

>Credits to Bo Burnham

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I found an archived file of pornographic images today.

*unzips*

If robots can’t identify stop signs or traffic lights in captcha images...

maybe self-driving cars are a bad idea.
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New body image study shows women with large breast are generally more successful

Than men with large breasts.

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Tumblr is using a special program just to remove any images of anal sex

It's a debugger

I need someone good with photography to brighten all my images for me.

Hoping you'll do it for the exposure.
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What do you call a photoshopped image of the President naked?

FAKE NUDES!

Our National Railway company may be utter garbage and a disgraceful stain on the image of the country...

but at least if corona shuts it down, no one will notice the change in schedules.
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I once spent 5 minutes trying to remove a photocopied image of a staple from a document.

Nothing worked until I xeroxed the staple remover.
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A joke from my country (Brazil)

In an international police convention, American FBI, English Scotland Yard and Brazilian BOPE are about to take part in a competition.

A rabbit will be set loose in the woods and the team that retrieves it in the shortest time wins.

First goes the Scotland Yard. They use hounds and hel...
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God: "I've created you in my image." Oh Wait...

"The foreskin was a mistake. Cut that shit off immediately."
~ Brian C Carroll

Sometimes when I'm bored I'll convert vector images into bitmaps

But I really should stop procrasternating.
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Why do onions have poor self-image?

Because people cry when they get onions naked.
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I once tried looking for images of Gary Oldman on Google

I had quite a shock when I realised I had forgotten the 'r' in Gary
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I googled Gary Oldman for some info, I was met with some heavily graphic images

My bad, I forgot the 'r'.
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Imagine a nascar fan. The image that comes to mind is probably that of a brutish, beer guzzling, loud mouth, hairy, unwashed, unshaven, redneck

And her husband.
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What's it called when you commission someone to make an animated image for your girlfriend but he pockets the money and disappears?

A gf gif gift grift
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A few days ago, a team of 200 scientists released the first ever image of a cosmic body with a mass 7 billion times that of the sun's, also known as

yo mama lmao
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If you spend enough time on Instagram or Reddit or reels…

… eventually you will see images of scantily clad older women and even some men, asking your opinion of them. This is not good, there comes a time when less is not better. UNLESS, you can profit from it. For example, in my case I found that walking around naked in my backyard has produced tall pri...
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Jesus and floppy discs are very similar

They both died to become the image of saving
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I want to make a Russian coffee table book based on sex positions using cross stitch images. I will call it...

The commie suture.

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Did you hear that the Irish are protesting for the removal of the Leprechaun image on the Lucky Charms box because it's offensive?

Just kidding, the Irish aren't offended by jack shit because they're not pussies.

An artist created an exact portrait of me just by projecting saliva onto the canvas

It was my spitting image
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The new image shows the black hole having bright ring formed as photons from light gets drawn in the intense gravity around a black hole that is 6.5 billion times more massive than the Sun…

..but it still doesn't suck more than your Mom.
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A very elderly gentleman,mid ninety's,very well dressed, hair well groomed,great suit,flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good aftershave,presenting a well looked after image,walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly lady,mid eighties.

The gentleman walks over,sits along side of her,orders a drink,takes a sip,turns to her and says"So tell me do I come here often?"

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A policeman is training three men, Bob, Don, and Rod, to become detectives.

The policeman flashes an image of a suspect at Bob for five seconds, and then asks him, "This is your suspect. How will you catch him?"

Bob replies, "Well, sir, that's easy! He only has one eye!"

The policeman replies, "That's because the photo I showed you is his profile! He doesn't h...

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but god-knows how they got in there.
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Everybody on Earth dies and goes to Heaven....

The Lord comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

Said and done, the next time The Lord looked, the women ar...
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Two Urologists were discussing the results of a scan...

"These images look very similar, but if you you look closely you can see there's a vas deferens."
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what makes us really humans?

Selecting all images with traffic lights
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I just lost my virginity.

The experience changed me completely. It absolutely altered my self-image.

It's like I have entered another body.

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Today I took a dick pic

Thought of sharing that pic on Reddit, unfortunately Reddit doesn't support small resolution images.

Have you heard about the new bush-o-matic 3000?

It's the latest piece of kit where you can upload an image into the on-board computer, crop out the back ground, set the machine on the floor and point it towards the hedge of your choice.

You press "GO" and the machine flies up into the air and starts cutting out a 3D sculpture of the image...
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Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks...

Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went by loaded with rolls of sod. "I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blonde #1. "Do what?" asked Blonde #2.
"Send my lawn out to be mowed!"

[Sod](http://stoneproscanada.ca/images/sod%20bundle.jpg)
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I was helping my grandpa fold some laundry yesterday and noticed something odd. On one shirt he had a silloutte of Sherlock Holmes, on another a picture of Harry Potter, on a third was printed an image of Frankenstein, and on a fourth, a girl who appeared to be Anne of Green Gables.

I asked my grandpa, "Are all these graphic shirts really yours?"

"Yes they are, " my grandpa replied sheepishly "I just can't resist buying novel tees."
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A cannibal was in the examination room, waiting for the results of his x-ray.

When the images were ready, a doctor entered the room and flipped the switch on the light box. He took one look and said, "I think you swallowed a foreign object."

The cannibal did not like the sounds of that. In fact, he was insulted. He stood up and started walking toward the door. When he ...
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The infamous crime mafia, known only as The Four Seasons, awaited their next job.

The boss stood before them.

"Winter," he began. "I need you to stay *cool* in the face of pressure. *Ice* in your veins," he said, patting his shoulder.

"Now, Summer," he continued. "If the *heat* becomes too much for Winter, use that *fiery* temper of yours to make sure the cops reme...

What do you call meat that is cooked more than 'well done'

Congratulations.


Not mine.. I saw it in some image posted a few weeks ago
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I saw an anti-abortion meme and wondered about copyright law ...

Does the image come with reproduction rights?
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Two Cows

**Edit: Just to make it clear, I am not taking credit for the joke(s). I just merely found it/them whilst browsing around and thought you guys would appreciate it/them.**



SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour



COMMUNISM

You have 2...

Sahara Desert.

A somewhat predictable oldie but amusing nevertheless.

A guy was lost in the Sahara Desert, desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image only to find a little old man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties la...
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3 Ugly Dudes

3 ugly guys were sick and tired of being ugly so they went to see a witch and ask for her advice.

The witch instructs the three to go to one specific bridge, jump off of it and while falling, yell how they want to look like. They could even simply name any celebrity and look like them.
...

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