UPJOKE
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A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...

Antiwork did an interview on Fox News to try to create a good public image of their sub

It didn't work.

We thought it was our ability to love that made us human,

but it turns out it was actually our ability to SELECT EACH IMAGE CONTAINING A TRUCK.

what makes us really humans?

Selecting all images with traffic lights

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I remember when bandwidth was so bad, your porn was limited to downloading compressed folders of images over modems.

Sigh... * unzips *


Note: if this joke hasn't been made before, y'all are slacking. ;)

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears: Bump! BUMP! BUMP! Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him!!

BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER! FASTER! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket...

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A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams.

A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams. Both teams trained long and hard. When race day came, both teams thought they were in top shape, but the Japanese won by far in the mile.

After the defeat, a defeatist mood prevailed among the ...

Why doesn't anybody eat the toast after they see an image of Jesus?

I bet it tastes divine!

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A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”

She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills t...

What's the most important thing when googling Gary Oldman images?

- The 'r'...

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A PR firm is working with a rap artist

They want to clean his image and recover his prestige. No more wild parties, no more driving under influence, no more cheating on his wife. However, it’s difficult to turn a former troublemaker artist into a family man.

“Look, we invested a lot of time and money into this,” says the PR manag...

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Cows and ideologies (long)

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots...

Why doesn't Jesus like having the image of his crucifixion on church windows?

He's in too much *pane*.

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A jihadist was preparing himself for his mission, when suddenly he's facing the image of his dearly departed comrad

"Ahmad! How is paradise?"

"Abdul, don't go through with the mission, it is not the paradise we were promised!"

"How is that possible? How could that be? Did you get the 72 virgins?"

"Yes, and that's the problem, Abdul... think about what kind of women dies a virgin."

Could you image if America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight?

There would be mass confusion!

I have a friend who tried to take a selfie in the shower, but the image was too blurry

He has selfie steam issues.

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I made a website full of sexy images of Archduke Ferdinand. It's called...

OnlyFranz

A joke from my country (Brazil)

In an international police convention, American FBI, English Scotland Yard and Brazilian BOPE are about to take part in a competition.

A rabbit will be set loose in the woods and the team that retrieves it in the shortest time wins.

First goes the Scotland Yard. They use hounds and hel...

(Internet Joke) We are basically monkeys, then what makes us human?!?

-Our less than 1% different genetic configuration?

-No!

-Sins like lust, envy, and jealousy?

-No!

-Qualities like love, compassion, and empathy?

-No!

-Greed for money and power?

-No!

-Altruistic values and moral capacity to renounce worldly pos...

What type of image formats do lion photographers use?

RAWR

I think Google is broken or something...

I did a Google Image search for Rorschach tests, but all that shows up is pictures of my dad hitting me.

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So my brother had this beautiful motor cycle.

So my brother had this beautiful motorcycle. For years he had that thing, shined like a diamond. It was his baby. Well, he's getting older now, just got married, has a kid on the way, big new promotion in the city, new house, the works. It's about time to settle down for him so he decided to pass it...

What message does a quantum computer have when you view an image?

"Do you want to save changes?"

A guy goes to a mental hospital for a psychiatric exam. The doctor shows the guy an inkblot image.

Doctor: "Look at this card and tell me what you think it is."

The guy studies it for a minute and says, "Well, not sure, but to me it looks like Rorschach Series 6, card number 9."

Even after losing the election and his image, what is the one thing Trump still hasn’t lost?

His weight.

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I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat cunt sitting there holding his cock.

Then I realised the telly wasn't on.

Spent some cryptocurrency to take digital possession of an image of Gandalf killing the Balrog of Morgoth...

My first non-fungible Tolkien.

A Pakistani man found the image of prophet Muhammad in his tub of margarine.

He showed it to his Chinese neighbour who said

"I cannot believe it's not Buddha"

What do you get when you combine an image board website and a popular puzzle game show?

Wheel of 4chan!

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An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.

Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.

He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"

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My penis is a lot like an image of a convex lens

Virtual, erect and highly diminished

Graham Williams

Graham Williams is in Hospital
Who the hell is GRAHAM WILLIAMS ? I hear you ask.
Well Graham is the bloke who got home late one night and Helen his wife, says.
"Where the hell have you been?"
Graham replies.
"I was in town,,,, getting a tattoo!"
"A tattoo?" She frowned. "What ki...

I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my laptop if I leave it idle for 10 minutes...

It's my screen savior...

What do you call meat that is cooked more than 'well done'

Congratulations.


Not mine.. I saw it in some image posted a few weeks ago

The Royal Navy had the greatest public image, back in the day...

And why wouldn't they? After all, they impressed every sailor they ever met, and kept 'em in shipshape.

Remember: Screenshotting NFTs is wrong

Using "Save As" is right since you don't have to crop the image.

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How many reddit users does it take to replace a lightbulb?

1 to make a post about it,
4 to mention that its the wrong forum,
1 to post it to the right forum,
7 to suggest op should post it to the electronics forum,
2 to post it to the electronics forum,
1 mod to delete the second post,

3 to suggest an image post would have gathered mor...

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Today I took a dick pic

Thought of sharing that pic on Reddit, unfortunately Reddit doesn't support small resolution images.

A few days ago, a team of 200 scientists released the first ever image of a cosmic body with a mass 7 billion times that of the sun's, also known as

yo mama lmao

The first image of a Black Hole will be revealed today

it will pull everyone together

Imagine a nascar fan. The image that comes to mind is probably that of a brutish, beer guzzling, loud mouth, hairy, unwashed, unshaven, redneck

And her husband.

God made us all in his own image.

Invisible.

Just Googled “Gary Oldman” and some pretty disturbing images came up…

Then I realised I’d left the “R” out.

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women...

For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and sta...

Our National Railway company may be utter garbage and a disgraceful stain on the image of the country...

but at least if corona shuts it down, no one will notice the change in schedules.

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A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

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I just lost my virginity.

The experience changed me completely. It absolutely altered my self-image.

It's like I have entered another body.

Before and After images could also be called

New Look, Same Great Taste

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It's a good thing technology can't unblur images and video

Because if it could, Japanese porn stars would clearly be fucked

If robots can’t identify stop signs or traffic lights in captcha images...

maybe self-driving cars are a bad idea.

If you search "pig" on Google Images, every image has the same file type.

They're all .jpigs.

I once spent 5 minutes trying to remove a photocopied image of a staple from a document.

Nothing worked until I xeroxed the staple remover.

The new image shows the black hole having bright ring formed as photons from light gets drawn in the intense gravity around a black hole that is 6.5 billion times more massive than the Sun…

..but it still doesn't suck more than your Mom.

I was helping my grandpa fold some laundry yesterday and noticed something odd. On one shirt he had a silloutte of Sherlock Holmes, on another a picture of Harry Potter, on a third was printed an image of Frankenstein, and on a fourth, a girl who appeared to be Anne of Green Gables.

I asked my grandpa, "Are all these graphic shirts really yours?"

"Yes they are, " my grandpa replied sheepishly "I just can't resist buying novel tees."

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Tumblr is using a special program just to remove any images of anal sex

It's a debugger

What’s an image editor’s favourite country?

Ireland.

It’s royalty free.

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A very elderly gentleman,mid ninety's,very well dressed, hair well groomed,great suit,flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good aftershave,presenting a well looked after image,walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly lady,mid eighties.

The gentleman walks over,sits along side of her,orders a drink,takes a sip,turns to her and says"So tell me do I come here often?"

What image format does Gordon Ramsay hates the most?

.raw

The same image comes to most people's heads when someone say speakers.

Stop with the stereotypes.

My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens o...

We finally have an image of a black hole.

NASA could’ve just asked to see my bank account.

I need someone good with photography to brighten all my images for me.

Hoping you'll do it for the exposure.

One night a humble cobbler and devout Christian was praying when suddenly he heard a voice booming in his head.

"I am the Lord thy God. For offering the one trillionth prayer, I will answer three questions."

The cobbler decided he must think carefully about his questions so that he could do justice to God's message to His creation. After thinking for a bit, he managed to whisper, "Is it true that you m...

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Me: I have this inner image of a better me, I just can't achieve it.

Craig: Oh yes you can, just exercise, diet, and live a clean life and you can do anything.
.
.
Me: That doesn't double my penis size, Craig!

Baby you must be a vector image...

Cause no matter how close I look you're still perfect.

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New body image study shows women with large breast are generally more successful

Than men with large breasts.

I googled Gary Oldman for some info, I was met with some heavily graphic images

My bad, I forgot the 'r'.

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I found an archived file of pornographic images today.

*unzips*

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The infamous crime mafia, known only as The Four Seasons, awaited their next job.

The boss stood before them.

"Winter," he began. "I need you to stay *cool* in the face of pressure. *Ice* in your veins," he said, patting his shoulder.

"Now, Summer," he continued. "If the *heat* becomes too much for Winter, use that *fiery* temper of yours to make sure the cops reme...

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God created man in his own image.

Then, why the fuck am I getting all the complaints for?

"Being a doctor, and being married to you..." said my wife. "..it feels like I'm living two lives."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"In one life there's medicine, scarring images and long, painful hours," she replied. "And in the other life I'm a doctor."

What's it called when you commission someone to make an animated image for your girlfriend but he pockets the money and disappears?

A gf gif gift grift

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Beauty, self image and the ability to transform.

Martha was ugly like a shaven baboon,

So she wrapped herself up in a curtain cocoon.

After a week she finally emerged,

She smelled like shit what a psycho.

>Credits to Bo Burnham

So I was making this image...

There's this cat, and he's trying to find out how much cheese there is in a gyro. He knows its radius and length, but he asks "I can haz cheez density?"

Yeah, I know, it's not very funny.

I should probably stop using math and feta memes.

Floppy disk is like Jesus

They died to become the image of saving

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Timothy was visiting his grandparents

for the weekend. He had just turned 3 years old, and his parents was happy to get a weekend off. His grandparents was very religious people, and did not take care for foul language. Grandma Betty Lou and her friends, Gabby, Millie and Martha had taken Timothy to the playground. Timothy was sliding, ...

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I want to make a Russian coffee table book based on sex positions using cross stitch images. I will call it...

The commie suture.

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A policeman is training three men, Bob, Don, and Rod, to become detectives.

The policeman flashes an image of a suspect at Bob for five seconds, and then asks him, "This is your suspect. How will you catch him?"

Bob replies, "Well, sir, that's easy! He only has one eye!"

The policeman replies, "That's because the photo I showed you is his profile! He doesn't h...

Thor was viewing the earth, when he saw a beautiful milkmaid. He transformed to human form, descended to earth - and seduced her.

They made love for 3 days and 3 nights, then one morning Thor was stood with his back to her, shuttered sunlight streaming through his golden hair and across his massive frame - the very image of godlike perfection. And he spoke.

“Darling, I must away from this place” he turned round for dram...

I saw an anti-abortion meme and wondered about copyright law ...

Does the image come with reproduction rights?

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I was watching the news this morning when the presenter said..

"A man has been arrested after half a million indecent images of children were found at his home in Bradford. Our reporter Gary O'Donoghue has more."

Gary, you filthy bastard.

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3 Ugly Dudes

3 ugly guys were sick and tired of being ugly so they went to see a witch and ask for her advice.

The witch instructs the three to go to one specific bridge, jump off of it and while falling, yell how they want to look like. They could even simply name any celebrity and look like them.
...

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The government reveals their new logo today....

The government reveals their new logo today, on a black background sit a magnificent image of a condom.

I guess it makes sense, seeings as how a condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while bein...

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Did you hear that the Irish are protesting for the removal of the Leprechaun image on the Lucky Charms box because it's offensive?

Just kidding, the Irish aren't offended by jack shit because they're not pussies.

A man was demonstrating a new type of drone to the military.

He was the project tech and was showing them how you could give it coordinates and an image of the objective and off it would go. Multiple options existed for the target - identify, pick up and bring back small packages, or deliver packages to soldiers in the field.

For some reason his boss n...

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What do you call a photoshopped image of the President naked?

FAKE NUDES!

Sometimes when I'm bored I'll convert vector images into bitmaps

But I really should stop procrasternating.

I started a business that takes stock photos of food

I call it Spaghetti images

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Bob, an accountant





was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing.


His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor.


He was late getting home and was speeding... Wouldn't you know that a...

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God: "I've created you in my image." Oh Wait...

"The foreskin was a mistake. Cut that shit off immediately."
~ Brian C Carroll

Two guys are driving together late at night...

They notice a stake in the ground on the side of the road with the letters “RE” on it. “Hmmm” they wonder, “what’s that about?”

They continue on, and they notice another. Then one more.

At this point, the passenger merely sighs out of boredom, and then passes out, exhausted.

Mea...

In His Image

A son approaches his father and asks, "Dad, would you buy me a car?"

The father considers the question and replies, "I will, but only if you do well in school, become devoted in church, and cut your hair."

The son agrees and spends the next six months applying himself in school and chu...

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