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Relies Jokes

My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!"

I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.

Atheism and Religion are but two sides of the same coin.

One prefers to use its head, while the other relies on tales.
(Joke Originally from The Joke Cafe - http://thejokecafe.com )

I just got in an argument with my grandpa about who's generation relies on electronics more

So, I pulled the plug on him. Guess I won that argument

A Calvinist dies and goes to heaven

A Calvinist dies and goes to heaven. When he arrives, he sees two lines to get in. One is labeled "Predestination" and one is labeled "Free Will". So, being a Calvinist, he goes to the back of the Predestination line and waits for his turn.

When he gets to the front of the line, the angel loo...

Why does a queen bee have so many mates?

Their survival relies on their poly-nation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man angrily walks into a bar with a six-bullet revolver gun and yells, “Who the f here had sex with my wife?”

The bartender relies, “Mate, I don’t think you don’t have enough bullets”

A man stumbles across an old oil lamp in an antique store...

The lamp is very dusty, so he gives it a rub, and the room starts to shake, and a genii appears.

He announces, "I am the Great Genii of the lamp! Since you've freed me, I will grant you one wish."

The man replies, "Just one?"

The genii relies, "Blame Reganomics, now time is sh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Movie pitch for a documentary

Movie pitch: a virus is spreading rapidly around the world, people are panic buying toilet paper and the fate of humanity relies on collage kids not partying.

WORKING TITLE: PARTY POOPER

A woman is accused of killing her husband with a guitar

So she hires a lawyer to defend her.
He asks her: "First offender"?
She relies: "No. First was with the Gibson, then a Martin, and *then* the Fender."

I recently became the manager of a small shop

The first thing I did was install a big barrier around the cooked meat and sandwiches section. My employees asked me why so I told them.

A good manager relies on Deli gating.

A drunk guy stumbled upon a genie bottle

He says "hey genie, I get three wishes right? I want ten more bottles of jack Daniels" to which the genie replies "ten more?!?!?!?!? Are yous sure? You're already wasted enough" to which the guy relies " you can't judge me! You're the one that lives in the bottle!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy and his grandpa were sitting outside..

A little boy and his grandpa were sitting outside on the balcony. His grandpa was smoking a cigar and the boy asks "Grampa, can I smoke some of that cigar?" Grandpa relies "does your dick touch your asshole" the boy rather confused replies "no" and the grandpa says "if your dick doesn't touch your a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New doctors

An old couple goes to see a new doctor , the doctor greets them and asks: “ have you had any deseases or injuries”?

The man replies : “I hurt my toe years ago and I think I had Toelio “?
Doctor says: “Toelio ? You mean Polio ?

Doctor again asks :”anything else “?
The man rep...

A man and his wife get into a fight and decide to give each other the silent treatment.

The husband turns out to be a deep sleeper and often relies on his wife to wake him up in time for work.

He realizes he needs her to help wake up, but is unwilling to reconcile differences.
At 8pm, he writes a note saying "Honey, please wake me up at 7 am, I need to get up early for work t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lawyer and a priest are on a plane full of children that is about to crash..

There are only two parachutes left so the lawyer takes one and hands the other to the preist.
The priest says "What about the kids?" The lawyer relies "fuck um" so the priest says "do we have time?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three ducks walk into a bar...

The bartender knows he’s being had so is cautious.
He walks up to the first duck and asks. What’s your name?”
The duck relies. “Huey.”

The Barman says “ so how’s it goin, Huey?”

Huey says, “ oh in and out of puddles all day, it’s a great day to be a duck.”

The Bartender s...

Two fishermen are sitting in a boat indulging in some wordplay.

The first one says, "If I tell you a joke that relies on *casting* the word "rod" in a phallic sense, would you find it *fishy*?"

"Oh," says the second one, "I think I can *tackle* it."

"So... *net-net*, you'd take the *bait*?"

"Oh-ho! *Hook, line, and sinker*!"

"I don't ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Birth

Paddy's wife was ready to give birth so he rushes her to hospital.On arrival the nurse asks "How dilated is she?"To which paddy relies,"Oh Jaysus we"re both over the fucking moon!!..:)

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A panda walks into a bar,

and orders a burger. The bartender is intrigued by the panda but does not want to pester his customer with questions. Everyone in the bar is startled, however, when the panda finishes his meal, pulls out a gun and fires straight through the ceiling of the building. He then puts the gun away and inst...

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A man tells his wife "me and my buddy Bill are going hunting this weekend."

The wife asked him what they will go hunting for and the man informs her that they will go hunting for mountain lions.

The wife relies "well in that case, I'm going to the chicken farm for lunch."

The man says " well I have no problem with that, but what do you mean "in that case"? W...

A joke I heard recently about depression:

One day, a man is so sick and tired of the usual routine that he decides to finally take action and seek a doctor for psychological help.

He goes to the doctor and confesses for the first time the feelings which haunt his daily life: how he perceives the world is harsh and cruel, how he feels...

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A man goes through a terrible divorce

So he decides to take his dog to a deserted island and become a shepherd.
After a year on the island, he gets lonely, and decides he wants to have his way with one of his sheep. He pulls down his pants, and then his dog bites him on the ass. Embarrassed, he pulls up his pants and walks away. ...

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A man wakes up late and has to speed to get to work on time...

He's flying down the highway, doing 90 in a 60. He approaches an overpass and sees a cop above running radar. The man thinks to.m himself, "shit".

Sure enough, lights and sirens and the cop is pulling him over. He officer approaches the car and asks the man, "Sir, do you know why I pulled yo...

Duck walks into a bar...

A duck walks into a bar, goes up to the barman and says "Got any bread?"
Barman replies, "No sorry, we don't sell bread, andything else I can get you?"

The Duck looks around, looks back at the barman and says... "Got any bread?"
Barman replies, "Sorry, no, no bread."

Duck looks a...

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