Give a man a gun and he'll rob a bank......

Give a man a bank and he'll rob everyone.

A priest, an imam, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.

The rabbit says,"I think I might be a type O."

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A man stores his money in a bank

A well looking man is at the bank and wants to deposit 100,000$, the bank manager gets closer to him and says:

"I have notice that you deposit huge amounts of cash every few days, is it OK if I ask, where to do find the money?"

"I'm betting" says the man

"what kind of betting?"<...

Got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently they were mad at me for saying “Get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in.

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A crusty old man walks into a bank

& says to the teller, "I want to open a fucking checking account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."
The woman leaves the window & goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation.
The manager agre...

How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank?

Just ring up and say you can't cum!

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Wrong bank

A man walks into a sperm bank with a ski mask and a .45 pointed at the woman behind the counter."Open the safe " .The woman pleads "Sir is not that kind of Bank". "Open the safe and remove the contents" . She removed a test tube tray full of sperm samples. The man puts the gun in the woman's face an...

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Blonde walks into a bank

A blonde walks into a bank in New York city, and talks to the bank's loan officer, asking for a loan.

Loan officer: "How much do you need to take a loan out for?"

Blonde: "Only $1000."

Loan officer: "Do you have collateral?"

The blonde pulls out the keys to a 2016 Ferrar...

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Three criminals rob a bank and make their getaway,

They are pursued by the police all the way to the countryside. The three criminals speed into a farm where they split up to hide. The police are close behind them.

The first criminal hides in the pigpen. The police go inside the pen where they hear the sound of something moving. "Oink Oink." ...

A frog walks into a bank to get a loan.

He approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

"Kermit Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorize the loan, I know your m...

Me- Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?

Alexa- apple juice

What does the receptionist working at a sperm bank say when they pick up calls?

Hi, local sperm bank. You jack it, we pack it, how can I help you?

Why are sperm banks more expensive than blood banks?

Cuz they're handmade

In Soviet Russia, you rob bank

In Capitalist America, bank robs you

Two Sisters...

One blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They ...

I spent years trying to find investors to fund the building of my sperm bank.

Unfortunately I wasn't able to round up any seed money.

(NSFW) What do you say when someone enters the sperm bank?

Get a load of this guy.

Similarly, what do you say when someone leaves the sperm bank?
Thanks for coming.

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2 dyslexic people run into a bank

One shouts “Air in the hands, mother stickers, this is a fuck-up!”

Did you hear about the baker who robbed a bank?

He just burst in there, buns glazing!

What bank does a dog use?

Bark-lays

Two robbers are robbing a bank

When they open the first vault, they find a cup of milk.


One of them says: "Weird, why would you put a cup of milk in a vault?"


When they open the second vault, they find another cup of milk.


And so on, untill they have opened all the vaults.


Robber 1: "Ma...

I got fired from my job at the sperm bank today

Apparently dipping your finger in the sample cup and saying “oh this is spicy I actually asked for mild” is frowned upon

A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank

The bank gets robbed, and she gets shot three times in the stomach. She goes to the hospital and delivers three sons, everything is fine with them.


Thirteen years go by and her first son comes running up to her shouting, "Mom, mom! I just peed out a bullet!"


She tells him, ...

A few robbers enter a bank

They broke into the safe and saw nothing but cups of yogurt. With nothing better to do, they ate the yogurt and left. They looked back at the bank when it hit them. They just robbed the sperm bank

What do you call a bank robbery committed by a ghost?

A Polterheist

Fun fact: there is a bank you can go to get gold without being arrested.

It’s called Reddit.

A frog goes into a bank

“What can I help you with?” asks the Teller.

“I’d like to apply for a loan” says the frog.

“Oh” says the Teller “you need to speak with our Loan Officer, Miss Whack”.

The Teller leads the frog to Miss Whacks office and, informs her that the frog wants to apply for a loan. “What ...

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The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup...

I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."

My bank just complimented me

They called and told me my check was outstanding! I felt so proud

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I asked an employee at the bank if they had any specials or promotions on loans and she said "Yeah! Zero interest!"

To which I responded, "Uhhhh, then can you maybe fuckin go find someone who's *interested* in helping me?"

People can be so rude.

Man informs the bank 3months after his credit card got hacked

OC: Why didn't you inform us as soon as you came to know you card got hacked?

Man: Because the thief was spending less than my wife did.

OC: So why inform us now?

Man: The spending rate has 4x increased, seems like the thief's wife has started using it

Why is it if banks have become so smart that they can allow you to deposit a check from a picture,

but they won't let you do the same thing with a picture of cash?

Today at the bank an old lady asked me to check her balance

So I pushed her over

What did the Redditor say after detonating a bomb inside a bank?

Edit: Wow! This blew up, thanks for the gold!

What did the man say when he was getting kicked out of the sperm bank

That’s the last time I’m coming in here

A gang decided to rob a bank...

...they opened every vault and found only cups of yogurt. So they ate it all…

Next day, in CNN news:

"BIGGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED!”

Say what you will about bank robbers...

At least they wear masks

Two burglars are robbing a liquor store.

One turns to the other and asks, "Is this whiskey?"


The other replies, "Yeah, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank."

John, Bob, Tim, and Scott rob a bank.

John is the getaway driver who waits in the lot. Bob disables the alarms, Tim unlocks the safe, and Scott is able to locate the marked bills. Bob and Tim leave the bank and John drives them away.

They got off Scott-free.

Why did the baker rob the bank?

Because he kneads the dough.

Officer: You're under arrest for using counterfeit bank notes

Me: *Slides a crisp £17 bill* How about now eh?

My bank called today to notify that my account has been reclassified

Judging by the balance they had to classify it as Satire Account

Three robbers break into a bank, but when they open the safe, they find only boxes.

One robber opens a box and finds cups full of yogurt. "We didnt find any money, but we got something to eat," he tells his partners. They eat their fill and leave. The next mornings newspaper headline reads, "Worlds Largest Sperm Bank Robbed."

Who did the lemon rob the bank with?

His partner in lime.

A priest, an Imam, and a Rabbit walk into a blood bank.

Priest: "What's your blood type, Rabbit? Also, I'm getting really angry seeing this joke reposted over and over. It's driving me insane."

Rabbit: "Calm down, dude, it's not a big deal. B Positive"

A man walks into a sperm bank

The doctor gives the man a small jar and tells him to fill it up and bring it back tomorrow. The next day the man walks in and the jar is empty. The doctor says "what happened?"
The man says

"Well doc, as you can tell I was really struggling. At first I tried with my left hand, and then I...

A man went into a bank to withdraw some cash from his account.

After sometime his turn came and he took the $300 that he wanted to pay his house rent.

He counted it again before he started walking towards the exit.

A clerk comes running from his desk and stops the man. "*Is something wrong*?", asked the man.

"*I just wanted to tell you that...

I asked a guy on the bus where the sperm bank was.

He said I can get off at the next stop.

I walked into my local bank, they asked me to remove my mask..

I said there was no way I was going risk my life or theirs by exposing us to an unprotected face.

.


.


.


Then I gave them 1 minute to fill the duffle bag.

What do you call a vampire who’s car breaks down 3 miles from a blood bank?

A cab

Did you hear about the michael jackson impersonator who expertly robbed a bank?

He was a smooth criminal

A woman walked into a bank and took off her top and pulled out a gun

she stole thousands, shame no one could remember her face.

A man walks into a bank wearing a mask. Everyone freaks out.

“Relax” he says, “I’m just here to rob the place”

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An elderly woman enters the Canadian National Bank with a bag full of money

She insisted she wanted to speak with the president of the National Bank in order to open an account, saying "a lot of money" was to be dealt with.

After some hesitation, the staff escorted the elderly woman to the president's office. The president asked how much money she wanted to deposit i...

The robber waved a gun and warned the bank teller: "Fill up this bag with cash or else you're geography!"

"You mean history?" "Don't change the subject!"

Bank President

A Rolls-Royce pulls up outside the posh Beverly Hills Hotel and the doorman walks down to greet the new guests. There are only two occupants in the car – the president of the country's leading bank and his ambitious wife Julia. She gasps when she sees the doorman then smiles and greets him warmly....

I saw $50,000 mysteriously put into my bank account

I want no trouble, so I decided to leave it where I found it

I'm done with banks

The have lost my interest

I wish I could get lucky with banks as I am with women.

Women always offer a 0% interest rate.

a guy with a gun bursts into a bank and screams “a person's regular occupation, profession, or trade. also known as a commercial enterprise.”

the old lady in front of him whispers to the teller, “I’d do whatever he asks. He means business.”

A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”

The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

A frog walks into a bank...

So, one day a frog walked into a bank. He hopped on over to a teller and quickly eyed her name tag: Patricia Waak.

Frog: Good morning, Miss Waak. Such a lovely day outside, isn't it?

*teller just stares at him, because, well, he's a FROG.*

Teller: Uh, yes. Yes it is. How can I h...

During an armed robbery at a bank, one teller hissed and whispered to the next teller.

"Here are the 100 bucks I owe you."

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Jesus and Moses go Fishing

Jesus and Moses are sitting by a riverbank, fishing, and shooting the shit about the good ol' days.

Moses says, "I had a few great days, but I have to say, that day I parted the Red Sea was the best of them. Man, that was spectacular! You should have seen the look on everyone's faces." ...

A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors, but he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect. Luckily, the judge was lenient...

...as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.

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A pregnant woman was walking past the bank one day when she heard three gun shots...

The woman awoke to the sound of small voice cooing as she slowly tried to grasp her surroundings. As she awoke, laying in a hospital bed, in pain and confusion, the doctor explained that she was caught in the crossfire of an active bank robbery and was shot in the stomach 3 times. Miraculously, the...

A man walks into a bank and asks to open a checking account

Bank teller: Do you want a savings account too?

Man: No.

Bank teller: Ok, just checking.

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands money.

Once he is given
the money, he turns to a customer and asks,' Did you see me rob this
bank?'The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.'
The robber then shot him and killed him instantly. He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man,
'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The ma...

Today I was in the bank when two men came in wearing masks...

Everyone felt a huge relief when they told us it's only a bank robbery.

A guy with a face mask is leaning up against the outer wall of a Wells Fargo bank.

A police officer comes and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm holding up this bank," the man says.

"Very funny. Now move along."

The man walks away, and the bank falls down.

What did the bank say to the government

Bank: Hey government. I need money to pay my workers or we're gonna go out of business.

Government: Hey bank. Sure. I remember you from Harvard, how are you doing?

Bank: Doing great, actually! I remember you too. Frat bros for life. Thanks for the cash.

Government: Frat bros for...

I walk to the sperm bank reception and say: "here it is" as I hand the sample to the receptionist

She responds with "thank you for coming"

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Two dyslexics with machine guns run into a bank and yell

Air in the hands
Mother stickers this is a fuck up

A stickman, who robbed a bank, was finally caught after being cornered in an alley. The police told him, “hands in the air!”

The stickman: lol

A woman works in a sperm bank. She is taking a bottle of specimen when a man wearing a ski mask and a gun suddenly bursts into the room.

The gunman points the gun at her, and tells her to drink the specimen. The woman is both scared and shocked. Afraid for her life, she opens the bottle and swallows the liquid. The gunman removes his mask, revealing himself to be her husband, and says:
'See, that wasn't so hard, was it?'

I went to the bank today and got the cops called on me.

I was the only one not wearing a mask.

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A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank.

Suddenly, armed men storm in and try to rob the bank. A shootout occurs and the woman is hit by bullets several times.

Shortly after, the woman is brought to the hospital and gets emergency surgery. The surgeon is able to remove all bullets except three due to endangerment to the triplets. ...

Why are sperm banks always so crowded?

People are paid to come inside.

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An 18 year old girl tells her mom she's missed her period...

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom
that she has missed her period for two
months. Very worried, the mother goes
to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy
kit. The test result shows that the girl is
pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the
mother says, "Who was the pig that did...

Mario decided to take up an extra job at the bank.

He had only been working a few weeks and was having a rough day when suddenly a masked man bursts through the door and yells: "This is a robbery!"

This was the last straw for Mario and pulls a shotgun out of his desk, aims it at the man and gives him til the count of 3 to get out or hell blas...

If you attempt to rob a bank

You will have no trouble with food, rent or bills for the next 10 years, regardless of your success.

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So a blond woman was at a shoe store arguing about the price of alligator boots

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, "Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, "Well, little lady, why don't you go give...

My father told me, "Work until your bank account look like a phone number."...

My available balance is $9.11.

A piece of fruit held up a bank and stole some money!

It was a STROBBERY

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An Asian man goes on a trip to America

He goes to an American Bank to converts his money to dollars, while going through his trip he meets a generous old friend who decides to let him stay in his place and also pay for his expenses during his stay.

After a few days he decides to return back to his country and heads to the bank to...

A bankrobber walks into a bank...

and yells ''NOBODY MOVE, THIS IS A F*CK UP!''

a surprised teller answers ''Don't you mean a stick up?''

''No, I forgot my gun.''

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A couple is golfing on a golf course when their ball flies out of the course and smashes right through the window of an old mansion.

Shocked, the couple hastes to the old mansion and knock on the door.

A mysterious voice from within the mansion calls the couple to enter.

The couple enters the mansion and in the hallway they see an old man standing next to the broken window and a broken chinese vase with their golfba...

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A man was teaching his wife golf...

The wife struck the golf ball so hard that it went to the neighbours house and they heard a crash like it broke something.

Embarrassed and apologetic, they go over to the neighbours house and let themselves in.

They see a broken vase on the ground and a man standing near it.

...

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Joe saw a sexy young exotic girl walking out from a bank, a remote control dropped from her mini skirt.

He picked it up and planed to give it back.

But the girl looked at him, her face turned red and seemed nervous and coy.

Joe understood it all of a sudden...

He smiled obscenely and pressed the button on the remote.

Then the bank exploded.

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a Golf club.

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club.

After a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.

Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.

One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

(H – Husband, W ...

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds.

An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town’s cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back t...

A little dwarf is sitting in a bar. He stares at his beer with a sad look in his eyes.

A strong guy appears, punches the dwarfs shoulder and drinks his beer. The dwarf starts crying.

The guy: "Come on, you wimp. A real man does not cry because of a beer."

The dwarf: "Listen. My wife left me today and my bank account was robbed. After that I lost my job. I didn't want to ...

A Cleric and a Hipster Druid were hanging out by a river bank discussing their beliefs.

The Druid says, "Yeah I worship river tributaries. That way I get my powers before they become mainstream."

My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.

He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.

*Thanks for my first gold kind stranger! But please consider donating to your local food bank or another worthy cause instead of rewarding this stupid joke that was (according to sources) reposted.

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An exhausted Nurse walks into a bank after an 18 hour shift...

She grabs a deposit slip, walks up to the teller, reaches into her purse, grabs a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.

When she realizes the mistake she looks up at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says *"Well that's just great... some asshole's got my pen!"*

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A pregnant woman walks into a bank...

While in the bank a group of robbers come in and demanded everyone to hit the ground and the tellers empty the tills. When the lady couldn't get down fast enough one of the robbers panicked and shot her three times in her belly and caused her to collapse. When she woke up hours later she found the r...

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Little girl lands position as construction boss.

**A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.**


**The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing ...

I wanted my friend to resume the tv show about a bank robbery.

I guess I wanted him to de-pause-it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So it was regular day at the sperm bank...

... when this guy wearing a ski mask barges in with a gun and screams:

"EVERYBODY ON THE GROUND NOW!"

The people do as he says and then the guy turns to the receptionist and points the gun at her. She tries to negotiate with him.

"Please just take the money and leave! You don't ...

I work at an oppressed sperm bank

But through all odds, we will overcome.

I was at my bank today and there was just an Asian lady ahead of me, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars

It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!!"

This morning at the bank, while I was in line, two people with masks entered...there was TOTAL PANIC..

Then they said: “This is a robbery”...and we all calmed down...

Zomato guy entered bank to deliver lunch,

they told him come after lunch time.

People wear masks that cover o my half their faces in the bank and they are “responsible” ...

But I wear a full-face mask in the bank and suddenly I’m “dangerous” and “a criminal”?

The Hypocrisy!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A masked gunman storms into a sperm bank.

He runs up to the counter, pointing his shotgun at the receptionist there, and shouts, "This is a stick-up!"

The receptionist raises her hands and says, "But sir, I don't think you understand. This isn't a regular bank, this is a sperm bank."

He says, "Don't tell me what I don't unders...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two bananas are sitting in a river bank...

when a turd floats down the river and yells at the bananas, "Come on in! The water is just fine!"

One banana looks at the other and says, "Do you believe that shit?"

What did the pizza maker say before robbing a bank?

"I may love making pizza, but I still knead the dough."

Never rob a bank if you are a furry.

The police will be hot in pursuit, you will be hot in fursuit.

Inspired by Money Heist: What do you call a bank robbery with no blood spilt?

A stainless steal.

Kermit the Frog went to the bank to request a loan.

The teller, Patty Whack, asked him for references.

"Well, my dad's Mick Jagger," Kermit replied.

Uncertain, Patty then asked him if he had any collatoral.

"Here's something from my shelf", he answered, handing her a small decoration.

Now confused, Patty told him she had t...

England doesn't have a kidney bank...

But they do have a Liverpool

"Thank you for the glass of milk earlier", I said to the sperm bank employee.

"What glass of milk?", he replied.

Me: The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk.

"Oh my god!"

Me: What?

"That was my glass of milk."

TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

I wanted to do some last minute panic buying. Then I checked my bank account.

Now all I can do is panic.

A blonde tried to rob a bank

It failed miserably when she tied up the safe and decided to blow the guards.

so now it’s cool to walk into the bank with gloves and a mask

but when i wanted to do it, it was a felony

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