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An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money.

She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.


After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.


The pres...

Sperm bank

A man and. woman are chatting in an elevator. "What are you up to today?" he asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20 a pint."
"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100 a tablespoon."
...

Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank,

Give a man a bank and he’ll rob the world.

So I lost my job at the bank on my very first day...

An old woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

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The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup...

I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."



Edit: Wow. Front page and reddit gold. Thanks everybody. :)



Edit 2: Wow. Reddit silver and more reddit gold. Thanks guys. :)

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A pregnant woman walks into a bank being robbed,

She tried to call the cops and got shot in the stomach three times. Luckily, all her children were safe.

15 years later, one of her daughters came up to her and said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.

Then, her other daughter walked into th...

A frog walked into a bank

..and sat down at the desk of a loan officer. She was a friendly-looking young woman with a name tag that said Patricia Whack.

"I'm looking to take out a personal loan of $5000," the frog said.

The loan officer stared at him skeptically. "Do you have anything to offer as collateral?"...

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A man walks into a bank.

He walks over to the teller and says to her "I want to open a fucking bank account."

The teller says "Sir, there is no need for that kind of language..."

The man says "What kind of language? All I said was that I want to open a fucking bank account."

The teller says "Sir, if you...

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Japanese Banking Crisis

Uncertainty has hit the Japanese banking industry.


In the past week, Origami bank has folded, Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.


Last week it was announced that Karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song w...

Me: "When I donate blood I do not extract it. A nurse does it for me. "

Receptionist: "Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way. "

A frog goes to the bank wanting to take out a loan...

...he goes up to the counter and starts talking to the clerk. Her name tag reads “Patricia Wack” so he says “ Mrs. Wack I would like to take out a line of $10,000.” Mrs. Wack looks at him skeptically and says “I’m going to need your name and account number as well as collateral for the loan.” The f...

A man had been in jail for robbing a bank for many years now...

The police still haven't located the stolen money. One day his wife sent a letter to him asking, "I want to plant a garden in the backyard, should I do so?" The man, knowing that every letter sent in and out had been read, wrote back "No don't do it in the backyard, that's where my loot is hidden!...

What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?

Thanks for coming!

A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a buddhist monk on the other side. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?”

The buddhist monk shouts back: “You are on the other side.”

If anyone ever figured out my secret 4-digit code, I'd be screwed! They'd have my bank pin #, phone unlock code, front door lock code...

...they'd even know my birth year!

Why couldn’t the poor man donate at the sperm bank?

He was too low income

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday.

Apparently you are not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

Meanwhile at the Sperm Donor Bank

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.

He goes up to the nurse and demands for her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.

So she opens the door to the vault and inside are...

I was so bad at math my bank refused to give me a loan

Thank god I had someone to cosine

Bank Teller: "Sir, your account is overdrawn."

Me: "So are your eyebrows, but you made it work, didn't you?"

A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller

He sees from her nametag that the woman working at the counter is named 'Patricia Wack'.

​

"Hello Patricia." the frog says politely. "I'm here today because I'd like to borrow $200,000"

​

Patricia does a double-take, and looks at the frog incredulo...

6 hours after a major bank robbery took place this morning, the bank have finally released their statement.

Withdrawn: £7 000 000.00

Balance: £0.00

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A man walks into a bank with a loaded pistol

He shouts, everybody down or I'll shoot. Everybody gets down except one lady who is pregnant, she says she cant because she is having triplets. The man again demands she gets kn the floor. Again she says she cant because she's having triplets. The man shoots her 3 times and runs out of the bank. The...

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Why did the bank robber die having sex with the vault?

They didn’t know the safe word.

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An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fer...

A frog walks into a bank looking for a loan...

The frog goes up to the teller and says ‘hey, could I get a loan please?’ The teller, Ms. Patricia Wack, looks at the frog and decides he doesn’t look to reliable. ‘Sure,’ says ms. Wack, ‘but you will need to provide collateral, what can you offer to ensure we are making a safe investment?’ The frog...

My wife and I spend so much money on arthritis medication and weed that we made a whole new bank account just for those two things!

It's a joint account

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The bank questioned the man why he didn't report the stolen credit card earlier.

"That son of a bitch was spending way less than my wife."

Bank robber pulls out gun, points it at the teller

Robber: "Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!"
Cashier (puzzled): "Did you mean to say "or you're HISTORY?"
Robber: "Don't change the subject."

I just want to thank my bank for lending me the money for my new house.

I don’t know how I could ever repay you.

A man walks into a bank to see his financial advisor.

He sits down and says:

"I want to close my savings account."

"We're very sorry to hear that," says the advisor, "why is that?"

The man replies: "I've lost interest."

A man is leaving the sperm bank at which he just donated and chats with the receptionist...

Man: “Have a good day! And thanks again for that glass of milk earlier!”

Receptionist: “Wait wait wait... what milk?”

M: “The glass of milk that was sitting on your counter”

R: “Oh no... you drank the last of my milk”

I saw a really good movie recently about a military man in control of a top-secret bank account

It's called "Ryan's Private Savings"

"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands"

"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands" a defense lawyer confided in his client.

"That's nothing," the client replied, ""I can produce five hundred witnesses who didn't see me running from the bank with money bags i...

The cops picked up a couple of spices for robbing a bank. Oregano says he won’t talk,

But only Thyme will tell.






Credit to u/hawt_pawket for helping me.

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A young man walked into a bank

And he said to the teller "I want to open a fuckin' checkin' account."

The young lady gasped. "I beg your pardon, but we don't tolerate that language in this bank."

"Get your fuckin' supervisor!" the man said.

In a few moments, the supervisor came up. "What's the problem?"
...

A blonde and brunette rob a bank

A blonde and brunette decide to rob a bank. "So you remember the plan?" the brunette asks. The blonde smiles and nods. "I'll keep the car ready.. Good luck!"

The blonde runs in, mask on, and pistol in one hand. 5 minutes pass and nothing. The brunette glances at her watch nervously. 10...

What do you call a sperm bank above maximum capacity?

Overloaded

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A man at a sperm bank drinks a glass of milk...

The doctor walks in and says: "Oh no! What did you with that glass?"
The man says nervously: "I drank it, w-why do you ask?"
The doctor says: "That was MY glass of milk you asshole"

Blackbeard goes into a bank...

Blackbeard goes into a bank looking to secure a loan for a new ship. The banker nods and says

"Yes everything is in order. You'll be gettin' the standard 3.14% interest rate."

Blackbeard raises an eyebrow at that.

"The standard rate? What's that mean?"

"3.14%. You know.....

I went to the sperm bank but found out they weren’t open yet.

Guess I came a little too early.

Bank robbers...

Three criminals robbed a bank. The police tried to catch them, but the robbers were too quick and turned in to a bad area laundrette.
They made a clean ghetto way.

Dear God, my prayer for 2019 is for a FAT bank account and a THIN body

Please don't mix it up like last year.

A woman named Patty Black finally gets her dream job at the bank

She is told to handle loans, but to get the manager is the loan was strange or asking for an excessive amount of money. After an entire day of nobody approaching her, somebody asks for her attention. It takes her a while to realize, but it is a frog in a suit sitting on the chair in front of her boo...

A bank robber robs a bank.

Before leaving, he turns to one of the hostages and asks:

"Did you see who robbed the bank?"
"Yes." replies the hostage.

The robber then shoots the hostage and turns to another one.

"Did you see who robbed the bank?"
"Uh, yes?" says the hostage.

The robber s...

A naked woman robbed a bank.

No one could remember her face.

England doesn’t have a kidney bank....

But it has a Liverpool

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Guy walks into a bank...

He waits in line and gets called to the window of an older teller. When she asks how she can help, he replies, "I wanna open a fuckin' savings account."

The teller is offended and informs him, "Sir, please don't use such language in the bank. Now, you say you wish to open a savings account?"<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do bank managers have such thin penises?

Because they're such tight fisted wankers.

If you owe a bank a hundred dollars, you have a problem.

If you owe the bank a million dollars, the bank has a problem.

If you owe the bank several hundred million dollars, that's the taxpayers' problem.

What is the difference between a sperm bank and a savings bank?

A savings bank you make a deposit and gain interest, a sperm bank you make a deposit and lose interest.

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A frog walks into a bank to apply for a loan

He addresses the teller by the name on her name badge and says "excuse me, Ms. Whack. I need a loan."

She says "Holy shit, a talking frog!"

"Actually my name is Kermit. And I need a loan."

"You're Kermit the frog?"

"No but I was named after him. My dad is Mick Jagger. He...

I tried buying tickets to a rap concert to see if the bank had processed the loan I requested on my account

They did not Post Malone.

He was going to make a donation to the spern bank

However nothing is firm yet.

The wife and I went to a bank robbers themed fancy dress party last night.

Well,I did. She stayed in the car keeping the engine running.

A frog walks into a bank for a loan...

A frog walks into a bank for a loan and is greeted by the teller.

“Well goodness me! In all 30 years of working here I’ve never once seen a frog come in! How can I help you today?”

“Well ma’am, I’ve come in for a loan.”

“I see. I can definitely help you begin the process for th...

I got the best parking spot today, right in front of the bank. I couldn't believe my luck

I don't actually need to go to the bank, but the opportunity was to good to give up.

Sperm Bank Robbery

It was a normal day at the local sperm bank, when all of a sudden, a man bursts in with a mask a and a handgun and yells "EVERYONE! ON THE GROUND!"

Once every person in the facility is lying down, he walks over to the refrigerator area for very-recent donations, then turns around, facing the ...

Everyone in my family was a police officer, except for my grandad, who was a bank robber

He died last week

surrounded by his family

3 women rob a bank

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead rob a bank.

They all run down a dark alley trying to ditch the cop chasing them.

With nowhere to go, they see 3 burlap sacks. Sweet the redhead says, let's hide in those.

The cop rounds the corner and sees the 3 bags right away, he kicks the ...

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A man is down on his luck and decides to rob a bank

Having never done this before, he looks up how to go about it.

The internet lets him know he'll need a mask, a gun, and a note letting the teller know the situation.

He goes out and picks up a black ski mask, a pistol, and a piece of paper and a pen to write his note on.

When he...

The Bank is giving out free money!

If u go in with a gun and a mask.

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An Japanese man walks into a bank...

... and goes up to the teller. Even though he is new to speaking English, he says, "I wish to exchange 400 of my currency for US dollars. The teller proceeds to do so and they politely part ways. A few days pass and the Japanese man again walks into the bank, again to exchange the same amount curren...

A man is robbing a bank

The bankrobber comes out of the bank and sees a man watching him. He runs to the man and asks him: "Did you just see me come out of that bank?"

The man says yes, and immediatly gets shot by the bankrobber.

He turns around and sees a couple standing there shocked. He runs to them and ...

A talking frog walks into a bank

and sees his favourite teller lady, patty mack, as he approaches the counter.
"I need a loan" he says, as the woman is wondering how on earth this frog is talking to her.
"How are you talking to me" she asks in disbelief.
The frog replies, "im the lovechild of kermit the frog and Mic...

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An Asian Man Walks Up to A Bank Teller To Exchange Yen for Dollars....

The teller gives him $180.

The Asian man complains: "But yestaday, I get $200. Why less today?"

The teller shrugs and replies: "Fluctuations"

Livid, the Asian man yells "Well, fuck you Americans too!"

A frog goes into a bank

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is ...

Being A Bank Robber Was Fun

But my new job as a bakery robber really takes the cake.

A bank tried to advertise its new current accounts

Unfortunately, there was no interest.

A man walks into a sperm bank.

He sees a glass of milk on the table, and he goes ahead and drinks it.
Meanwhile the receptionist arrives.

Receptionist: May I help you?

Man: I just drank the glass of milk on the table.

Receptionist: Oh no...

Man: Wait, what's wrong?

Receptionist: That was my g...

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[long] A pregnant woman was standing in line at a bank.

All of a sudden a masked man bursts through the front door waving a gun wildly around. He shouts that he is robbing the bank and that everyone in it is now his hostages. The police soon arrive and in the ensuing stand off shots were exchanged from both sides, the woman was struck three times in her ...

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A man goes to an interest-free bank.

Man : I would like to open an account.

Banker : Who the fuck cares?

A Blonde and a Bank

A blonde walks into a high-end bank in New York City and requests a personal loan of $5,000 for her trip to Europe for two weeks. The loan officer explains that they'll need collateral for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to her Rolls Royce along with showing the title as proof of ownersh...

A man tries to rob a bank

Man: "Where is the money!"

Teller:

Man: "Where is the money!"

Teller:

Penn: "He always does this."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call someone who robs a sperm bank?

A wank robber.

A frog goes to a bank.

A frog goes into a bank, and hops up on the desk of the loan officer. ''Hi,'' he croaks.''What's your name?''

The loan officer says, ''My name is John Paddywack. May I help you?''

''Yeah,'' says the frog. ''I'd like to borrow some money.''

The loan officer finds this a little od...

Who do dogs bank with?

Who do dogs bank with?


Barclays.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun bursts through the door of a bank

"Go to the back and give me everything you've got!" the man says.

The woman replies, "Sir, this is a mistake, this is a SPERM bank."

"I don't give a shit, you go get me what I told you!"

The woman goes to the back and comes out carrying a tray full of sperm samples.

"Open...

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An old lady walks into a bank with a million dollars.

Old lady: "I'd like to make a deposit of a million dollars"

Bank assistant:, "That's a lot of money. How did you get them?"

Old lady: "I think I should speak to the managing bank director since it's such a large cash deposit."

Bank assistant: "Well considering that it is a milli...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A robber breaks into a bank

He points his gun at the lady at the desk and says “open the vault bitch”
The woman says “sir this is a sperm a bank, there’s no money here”
The robber says “ Open the fucking vault or I’ll blow your head off now”
The woman opens the vault and turns back to the robber, who tells her to take...

Why did the London sperm bank close down?

Because people kept missing the tube.

Why did the amputee have such bad luck robbing banks?

He wasn't armed.

What do you call a landscaper's bank account?

A hedge fund

A man has been arrested after trying to rob a bank using underpants as a mask

The police managed to arrest him after a quick debriefing.

How do you cancel an appointment with a sperm bank?

Tell them you can't come.

What do you call a vampire whose car breaks down 3 miles from a blood bank?

A cab.

My bank statement just arrived.

Unfortunately the statement was

# “You’re Broke”

What's the worst problem an IT person who works at a sperm bank has to deal with?

Sticky keys

I got fired from my job at a bank today

Turns out that sperm is only collected from our clients and they don't like when I ask if they're here to make a withdrawal or deposit.

An elderly man goes to his bank to get a loan.

The associate, a long time friend of his, greets him with a hearty handshake and asks him what the loan is for.

The man replies, "Well, I'm getting a mail-order bride, and I'd like to upgrade my ranch for her arrival."

"Well, how old will your bride be?"

"She'll be 23 when she ...

I'm going through a divorce at the moment, and my soon to be ex-wife said she is going to make sure my bank balance is going to be $0.

That's nice of her, paying off all my debt.

A frog goes to get a bank loan.

He hops up on the desk of Patricia Whack, one of the bank employees, and says, “I want to borrow $500,000.”

Patricia says, “Well that’s a lot!”

Frog says, “It’s okay, my dad’s Mick Jagger.”

“That’s nice,” Patricia answers, “but if you want to borrow that much, the bank needs som...

My girlfriend’s brother got fired from a bank yesterday and he won’t explain why.

When she asked why he got fired, he said he couldn’t teller.

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A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time, robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, DEAD or ALIVE!

A trigger happy, young, enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track down the bandit on his own and collect the reward. After a lengthy search, the Ranger tracked the bandit to his favorite cantina and snuck up behind him. At the sound of the Ranger's guns cocking and preparing to fire, the surpr...

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I went to a sperm bank today

Me: Sorry, I drank the cup of milk on your table.

Sperm bank employee: What cup of milk?

Me: The one on your table.

Sperm bank employee: You asshole that was my cup of milk.

During a bank robbery

The mask on one of the robbers had slid down, revealing his face.


The robber, in a panic, looked at a man and asked "Did you see my face?"


The man said "Yes", so the robber shot him.


Then he asked a woman. "Did you see my face? "


She said "no, but ...

Three bank robbers

Three robbers break into a bank, but when they open the safe, they find only boxes. One robber opens a box and finds cups full of yogurt.
"We didnt find any money, but we got something to eat," he tells his partners. They eat their fill and leave.
The next mornings newspaper headline r...