Bank Jokes - 119 Hilarious Bank Jokes

John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns ...

Woman visits a bank on downtown NYC...

...and asks for a short-term $10,000 loan. Banker asks her for collateral, and she hands him the keys to her Mercedes. She says she's going on a vacation, and will return the following week to repay the debt and retrieve her car.

Week later, she picks up the vehicle and pays back the loan, pl...

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A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank.

Suddenly, armed men storm in and try to rob the bank. A shootout occurs and the woman is hit by bullets several times.

Shortly after, the woman is brought to the hospital and gets emergency surgery. The surgeon is able to remove all bullets except three due to endangerment to the triplets. ...

2 Russians are robbing a bank...

2 Russians are robbing a bank... Everything went successful, quickly and silently. However, before existing the bank, one Russian stops another one: "Hey, what kind of a robbery is it if no one got injured or killed?"

Russian 2: "You're right, kill that woman that's sitting over there!"
...

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What is the similarity between a bank and sex?

In both cases, you lose interest after a withdrawal.

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A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account." [NSFW]

A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account."

The teller, upset, says "We don't tolerate language like that here."

The man asks "What's the fucking problem? It's not like anyone really gives a shit!"

The teller then leaves with...

I got fired from a sperm bank...

Every time someone walked in I'd say "get a load of this guy"

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

**Edit:** Did not expect this joke to take off. Made it to the front page for a little while.

**Edit 2:** Thank you for the gold kind stranger.

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A woman walks into a bank to deposit $100,000 in cash

The bank manager decides to handle this himself, as it’s such a large deposit. As he is processing her request, he asks, “Do you mind if I ask what it is you do for a living?”.

She says, “I make bets with people…For example, I bet you $50,000 that your testicles are cube shaped, like dice”....

Hundreds of Russians are outside a bank,

grumbling about waiting hours in a long queue to make a withdrawl.

Suddenly one says '' I've had enough of this, I'm going to shoot Putin!"

He returns five hours later to the queue and his mate says '' did you kill him?''

he said ''no the queue was too long''

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A man runs into a bank, pulls out a gun and robs the teller. He then turns the gun on the on the first man standing in the tellers line and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man stammered, "Yes."

Bang! The robber shoots him.

He then turns the gun on the married couple next in line, points the gun at the husband and demands, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The husband quickly responds, "No....but my wife did!"

A naked woman robbed a bank in broad daylight

She wasn't caught, cause no one from the bank remembers her face.

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Sperm Bank

I paid a visit to the sperm bank last week, the lady asked if i could masturbate in the cup.
I replied “I’m good but i don’t think i’m ready to compete in a tournament yet”

Give a man a gun and he'll rob a bank,

Give a man a bank and he'll rob the world.

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a teenage boy keeps depositing one million dollar in his bank account every day

one day, Mrs. Mary the bank manager asks him to provide the source of all the money he's depositing

"I win it through gambling" he answers

"nobody can win that much money so consistently through gambling"

"wanna proof? how about we bet on 1000$ that...

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A dyslexic walks into a bank and yells:

"Air in the hands mother stickers, this is a fuck up!"

What did the reddit user say after detonating a bomb inside a bank?

EDIT: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, a...

I got fired from my job at a bank today

Some elderly lady asked me to check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

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The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup...

I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."

---

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A man walked into a bank and walked up to the teller. He said,

I want to open a fucking bank account.
Astonished, the lady replied, "I'm sorry sir, but we don't tolerate that kind of language at this banking establishment." With that said she walked up to the bank manager and explained the situation. He agrees that the woman should not have to listen to that...

A man wants to deposit money at a Swiss bank.

"How much do you want to deposit?" asks the bank employee.

Whispers the man, "Three million."

"You can speak up," says the bank clerk. "In Switzerland, poverty is not a disgrace."

A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into a blood bank

The rabbit says : I think I might be a type O.

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Bank robber pulls out gun, points it at the teller...

Robber: "Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!'

Cashier (puzzled) "Did you mean to say "or you're history?"

Robber: "Don't change the subject."

A young boy deposit 100$ everyday in the bank...

One day the general manager noticed the young boy and asked the clerk about him. He then told him that the young boy comes everyday and deposit exactly $100 each time. So the manager told the clerk to send him the lil boy the next time he comes to the bank. The next day the boy comes in and he's sen...

I was at my bank today and there was just an Asian lady ahead of me

who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady say...

My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did.

Account balance: $9.11

England has no kidney bank but...

It does have a Liverpool

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An elderly woman enters the Canadian National Bank with a bag full of money

She insisted she wanted to speak with the president of the National Bank in order to open an account, saying "a lot of money" was to be dealt with.

After some hesitation, the staff escorted the elderly woman to the president's office. The president asked how much money she wished to deposit i...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead rob a bank..

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead decide to rob a bank. Everything goes well-they have their masks on, the bank hands over the money-awesome.

Exiting the bank, they hear sirens and see several cop cars round the corner, so they dash into a small alleyway.

The cops are quick though, a...

A blonde and brunette rob a bank

A blonde and brunette decide to rob a bank. "So you remember the plan?" the brunette asks. The blonde smiles and nods. "I'll keep the car ready.. Good luck!"

The blonde runs in, mask on, and pistol in one hand. 5 minutes pass and nothing. The brunette glances at her watch nervously. 10...

A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer who’s lying on the floor, “Have you seen me rob this bank?”

A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer who’s lying on the floor, “Have you seen me rob this bank?”
\-
“Yes, sir,” says the customer and gets promptly shot.
\-
“Have you seen me rob this bank?” the robber asks another cu...

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A shaggy looking old lady goes into her bank and asks the teller...

"Can I please withdraw $10 from my account?" while handing over her debit card.

The teller, annoyed at such a transaction request, rudely tells the old lady "Go to the ATM, stop holding up the line for $10."

The old lady then says "Okay, then I want to withdraw $10k from my account."...

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What do Russian Banks and my ass have in common?

We're both having liquidity crises right now.

I'm feeling slightly sick, please send soup and crackers.

An older joke but a good one- A frog goes into the bank…

and hops up to a teller. He can see from her name plate that she is called Patricia Whack,
so he says "Ms. Whack, I'd like to borrow $30,000, please."
The teller asks for his name and the frog replies that he is Kermit Jagger, son of Mick Jagger, and a personal friend of the bank manager. Unc...

A bank is a place that will lend you money

if you can prove that you don’t need it.

A black guys walks into a bank...

... says "I'm looking for a job!"

The bank manager says, "Well, you're in luck! We have a position opening tomorrow that pays $48,000 a year and has access to a free car!"

The black guy says "You're joking."

The bank manager says "Well, you started it!"

'nsfw' What do you call sperm that is stored at a bank?

A blast from the past.

I want my bank to treat me the same way women do

0% interest rate

There's a robbery at a bank.

One of the robbers accidentaly drops his mask. He puts it back, but he knows it is too late.

So he asks the closest man: 'Did you see anything?'

'Well, yes, I was close and...'

The robber shoots him instantly. He then goes to the second closest: 'What did you see?'

'Nothi...

So a black guy walks into a bank

All dressed in black and says "I'm looking for a job!"

The bank manager says, "Well, you're in luck! We have a position opening tomorrow that pays $48,000 a year and has access to a free car!"

The black guy says "You're joking."

The bank manager says "Well, you started it!"

A man is told the local bank offers mortgages with no interest

The man enters the bank.

Man: I’m here to find out about the mortgage

Employee: I don’t really care.

A frog walks into a bank

A frog walks into a bank, and approaches the teller. He sees the tellers name tag read Paddy Black and says

"I'd like to take out a loan, Mrs. Black"

"Certainly," says the teller, "how much would that be for?"

"One million dollars." replies the frog. "Don't worry, it's ok, I kn...

A man calls the First National Bank of Texas. The automated voice answers, "Hello, how can I assist you today?" The man says, "Withdrawal"

The automated voice says, "YEEHAW! HOW Y'ALL RECKON I CAN HELP?!"

A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors

But he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect.

Luckily the judge was lenient as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.

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An Japanese man walks into a bank...

... and goes up to the teller. Even though he is new to speaking English, he says, "I wish to exchange 400 of my currency for US dollars. The teller proceeds to do so and they politely part ways. A few days pass and the Japanese man again walks into the bank, again to exchange the same amount curren...

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A pregnant woman walks into a bank

and lines up at the first available teller. Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot three times in the stomach. She was rushed to the hospital where she was fixed up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor says, "Oh! You're going to have triplets. They'r...

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A man deposits $1,000 cash into his bank account every day

The bank employees start getting a little suspicious and tell the manager about the customer. The manager tells them to let him know next time he makes a deposit. Surely enough, the next day, he comes with 1k in cash to deposit into his account. The tellers tell the man that the manager would like t...

A frog goes into a bank (long)

A frog walks into a bank and walks up to the teller. He says, “my name is Kermit Jagger and I’d like to take out a loan.” The teller says, “nice to meet you, I’m Patti, but I have to tell you, we don’t loan money to frogs.” Kermit says, “no it’s ok. I have collateral. Here is this priceless heirloom...

What does the receptionist at the sperm bank says when donors are leaving?

Thank you for coming!

A frog walks into a bank.

The frog hops up on the counter of the nearest available teller and says "I want a loan."

Confused, the teller asks for the frog's name.

"My name is Kermit Jagger, son of Rolling Stone's legend Mick Jagger, and I want a loan" he says. "And what is **YOUR** name?"

"My name is Pat...

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A pregnant woman walks into a bank being robbed,

She tried to call the cops and got shot in the stomach three times. Luckily, all her children were safe.

15 years later, one of her daughters came up to her and said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.

Then, her other daughter walked into th...

My girlfriend found my stash of money I keep in an old boardgame and is insisting I put the money in the bank...

Better safe than Sorry I guess.

What's a sperm bank's distribution policy?

First come, first served?

How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?

Do you just call them and say you can’t come?

Two Londoners went to the sperm bank.

A total waste of time. One of them came on the bus, the other one missed the tube!

What’s the difference between a sperm bank and a regular bank?

After you make a deposit at the sperm bank, you lose interest.

Russian Ruble is now worth less than 1 U.S. Cent after SWIFT Bank Sanctions

I think it's time we start calling the Ruble for what really is: Rubble

Everyone in my family was a police officer, except for my grandad, who was a bank robber

He died last week

surrounded by his family

In Soviet Russia, you rob banks...

in Capitalist America, banks rob you!

The sperm bank in my town offers initial consultations over Zoom.

But for follow-up appointments you have to come in person.

My bank recently called me to let me know I had an outstanding balance

I replied "Thank you, I used to do gymnastics" and hung up the phone.

That was nice of them to say.

Sperm Bank...

At a sperm bank one day, a man walks up with a ski mask and a gun. He points the gun at the lady at the desk. "Sir.. this is a sperm bank.." says the lady. "I know. Get out three bottles of sperm" he commanded. So she obeys and takes out three bottles of frozen sperm. "Drink it." says the man.
...

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An old lady walks into a bank with a million dollars.

Old lady: "I'd like to make a deposit of a million dollars"

Bank assistant:, "That's a lot of money. How did you get them?"

Old lady: "I think I should speak to the managing bank director since it's such a large cash deposit."

Bank assistant: "Well considering that it is a milli...

I tried to rob a bank by blowing up the safe. Things were going well but there was just one problem.

I bought some cheap dynamite that was advertized as "The inexpensive explosives that won't break the bank."

What was the high-IQ sperm bank called?

Crème de la Crème

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An old woman walks into a bank

She asks for a meeting with the bank manager to set up an account. She explains that she wants to deposit five million dollars.

The bank manager says "If you don't mind my asking, where do you get all of your money?"

The old woman says "I'm a professional bettor."

"So like sport...

A frog walks into a bank

A frog wearing a business suit walks into a bank and goes to stand in line to wait for a teller.

When it is his turn, he approaches the bank teller, whose name is Patricia Whack (don't laugh), and says "Hello, Miss, my name is Kermit Jagger, and I would like to take out a loan."

Miss W...

A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”

The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

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A pregnant woman was shot during a bank robbery...

After being rushed to the hospital and treated in the ER, the doctor tells her some good and bad news. The good news is that she's having triplets, all boys and they're all healthy, the bad news is that they've each got a bullet inside of them and will pass this Bullet naturally in +- 18 years.
<...

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So a frog walks into a bank.

So a frog walks into a bank and he goes to the front desk. He looks at the person at the front desk’s name tag, its says “Mrs. Patty Whack”

“Can I help you” she says.

“Yes I would like a loan” said the frog.

“A loan? What does a frog need a loan for “

“I would like to...

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A nurse walks into a bank...

A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing a beat, says, "well, that's great...some as...

Man tries to open a bank account

Teller asks him : "Your name?"
"J-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh"
"Oh you stutter?"
"No my dad did but the person who did by birth certificate was a complete moron."

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A man goes to a bank and asks to deposit $5,000 into his account.

The next day, he comes back and deposits $10,000.
The next day, he comes back and deposits $7,500. As he walks out, the banker asks him how he gets so much money in a day.
The man walks up to him and whispers, “I make bets with people.”
The banker tells him, “How do you make so much?”
...

A frog walks into a bank for a loan...

A frog walks into a bank for a loan and is greeted by the teller.

“Well goodness me! In all 30 years of working here I’ve never once seen a frog come in! How can I help you today?”

“Well ma’am, I’ve come in for a loan.”

“I see. I can definitely help you begin the process for th...

A fruit walks into a bank.

Hands up says the fruit! Put all of the money into this bag! This is a strawberry!

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An old woman with a huge purse walks into a bank...

And she demands from the teller that she sees the President of Manhattan's First Bank, and she has 4 million dollars in her purse for him to see. The teller calls the President, and he arrives shortly to decide whether or not this old lady is just senile.

The old woman approaches him and say...

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Bank manager

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always r...

The sperm bank I visited yesterday had it's own food court.

Unfortunately, it was just a Jack In The Box.

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A man stores his money in a bank

A well looking man is at the bank and wants to deposit 100,000$, the bank manager gets closer to him and says:

"I have notice that you deposit huge amounts of cash every few days, is it OK if I ask, where to do find the money?"

"I'm betting" says the man

"what kind of betting?"<...

A robot tried to rob a bank but was caught when its battery died.

Police have no plans…to charge the suspect.

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Japanese Banking Crisis

Uncertainty has hit the Japanese banking industry.

In the past week, Origami bank has folded, Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Last week it was announced that Karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song w...

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An old lady walks into a bank with a big bag of money

One of the employees asks her what she wants.

Old Lady: I'm here to open an account and I want to deposit all this money into the bank.

"Whoa, that's a whole lot of money", the employee said. "You'll have to talk to the manager."

The employee escorts her to the manager's office...

Why is it so hard for bank accounts to quit their addictions?

They experience severe withdrawal symptons

Me: "At the blood bank, it's always a nurse who takes the donation"

Nurse: "sperm banks are different, sir"

My bank has a new feature where they'll text you your bank balance. I think it's pretty cool.

I just don't think they should end the text with "LOL", though.

Men are like bank accounts

Without a lot of money they don’t generate much interest.

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Wrong bank

A man walks into a sperm bank with a ski mask and a .45 pointed at the woman behind the counter."Open the safe " .The woman pleads "Sir is not that kind of Bank". "Open the safe and remove the contents" . She removed a test tube tray full of sperm samples. The man puts the gun in the woman's face an...

I want my 11780 dollars.

Dear Bank of America, I just want to find 11780 more dollars in my savings account.Everyone at your bank counted wrong.

Bank Code

Kevin was withdrawing money from an ATM.

A person, who was just behind him in the line said, "Ha! Ha! I've seen your password. Its 4 asterisks!

Kevin replies, "Ha! Ha! Ha! You are wrong. Its 1258."

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A dyslexic man robbed a bank

He walked in, pulled out a gun, and yelled "Air in the hands motherstickers! This is a fuck up!"

Pavlov walks into a bank.

Finding the counter deserted, he rings the little bell these kinds of places tend to have.

When someone finally comes around, they find Pavlov lost in thought and ask him what's wrong, to which he says: "I forgot to feed the dog."

A job at a sperm bank may be a low income job

But you’ll never be low incum

A bank robber robs a bank.

Before leaving, he turns to one of the hostages and asks:

"Did you see who robbed the bank?"
"Yes." replies the hostage.

The robber then shoots the hostage and turns to another one.

"Did you see who robbed the bank?"
"Uh, yes?" says the hostage.

The robber s...

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A pregnant lady expecting triplets is tragically shot during a bank robbery

She was shot 3 times in the belly, and 1 bullet hit each of the 3 baby boys. Miraculously, they all survived!

One day about 14 years later, one of her boys came crying to her saying “mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out of my penis”. Then she sat him down and explained what happened al...

Why are the banks collapsing?

Because they don't know how to account for their problems.

Then Ok!

Dad: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice."

Son: "No."

Dad: "The girl is Bill Gate's daughter."

Son: "Then Ok!" \*\*

\*\* Dad goes to Bill Gates. \*\*

Dad: "I want your daughter to marry my son."

Bill Gates: "No."

Dad: "My son is the CEO of...

I looked at my bank account and found I could live the rest of my life comfortably without working...

... as long as I die on Thursday.

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A proctologist goes to the bank to wire some money.

When the teller hands him a form to sign, the proctologist reaches in his pocket and grabs a thermometer, the proctologist exclaims, “Shit! Some asshole has my pen!”.

My wife and I started a bank account to help with our weed budget

It's our joint account

A man goes to the bank to apply for a loan

The banker says okay, but I'll need some information first. What do you do for a living?

The man says he's a dentist.

A fine profession! And are you married?

Yes.

And what does your wife do for a living?

Well, it's a little hard to say....

I must know if you...

The ring leader hired the best safe cracker for their bank job...

In criminal circles he was known to crack any safe and the police never caught him. When the day of the heist came, they entered the bank, secured the building, corralled the hostages in the bank managers office and the safe cracker proceeded to the locked vault.

After a few quick inspection...

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I applied to manage the US Naval sperm bank in Bangkok. The interviewer said they couldn’t hire me, because I was a domestic civilian.

He said only an overseas seaman oversees overseas seamen semen overseas.

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A pregnant woman walks into a bank

A pregnant woman who is expecting triplets walks into a bank, while she is in there a robber walks in and shouts for everyone to get down on the ground, the woman is too slow so the man shoots her 3 times and runs away from the scene.

The woman survives, and the doctor told her that in 12 yea...

Police arrested a bank robber

To conceal evidence of his crime, the robber had swallowed over ten thousand dollars in unmarked bills.

Doctors are monitoring him closely but right now no change is expected.

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A man is sitting on the bank of a river with a turtle

And an officer from the fisheries board approached him. The officer says to the man "do you know it's illegal to poach turtles out of this river - they're an endangered species"?

The man says to the officer, "no this is my pet turtle. I bring
him down here everyday and let him go for a sw...

Happen in real life and wanted to share; My friend is always asking to borrow my power bank, so I said I should be charging you for this. Another guy nearby said immediately:

And another guy said immediately: You will make bank if you do.

Bank Robber : Wherr is the safe?

Teller :

Bank Robber : WTF. Where is the safe?

Teller :

Penn : He always does this.

I just found my old Nokia and connected it with my power bank.

The power bank is now fully charged again.

My boss just called me to tell me I’m responsible for the collapse of another bank.

I said “What? How can that be possible. I don’t even work in finance. I’m a builder”

A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a buddhist monk on the other side. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?”

The buddhist monk shouts back: “You are on the other side.”

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A man wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun bursts through the door of a bank

"Go to the back and give me everything you've got!" the man says.

The woman replies, "Sir, this is a mistake, this is a SPERM bank."

"I don't give a shit, you go get me what I told you!"

The woman goes to the back and comes out carrying a tray full of sperm samples.

"Open...

Do you keep your money at your house or in your bank?

In my memories unfortunately

An old woman walks into a bank...

The bank was the most reputed one in the small town.

Clerk: " May I help you madam?"

Woman:"I want to open an account and deposit $1,000,000."

Since it was a lot of money, the clerk sent the woman to the manager's office.

Manager:"Please don't mind my asking but how do yo...

I didn't know what to wear to the Sperm Bank...

So I came in my pants

Today I was in the bank when two men came in wearing masks...

Everyone felt a huge relief when they told us it's only a bank robbery.

The Emperor's new bank account

A well dressed man walks into a bank of a famously known gambler.

The man asks the gambler, would you be interested in a different type of wager?

If you guess the range of all my assets within 1 billion dollars, I will give you a billion, but you have to give me 1 dollar for every do...

Sperm Bank Robbery

It was a normal day at the local sperm bank, when all of a sudden, a man bursts in with a mask a and a handgun and yells "EVERYONE! ON THE GROUND!"

Once every person in the facility is lying down, he walks over to the refrigerator area for very-recent donations, then turns around, facing the ...

Two lawyers are standing in line at the bank

Two lawyers are standing in line at the bank when a gang of armed men burst in. Some of them start threatening the cashiers while two more go along the line of customers collecting watches, wallets, phones, everything.

As they get closer to the two lawyers one turns to the other and presses a...

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