This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank.

Suddenly, armed men storm in and try to rob the bank. A shootout occurs and the woman is hit by bullets several times.

Shortly after, the woman is brought to the hospital and gets emergency surgery. The surgeon is able to remove all bullets except three due to endangerment to the triplets. ...

A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”

The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

What did the reddit user say after detonating a bomb inside a bank?

EDIT: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!

Bank Robber : Wherr is the safe?

Teller :

Bank Robber : WTF. Where is the safe?

Teller :

Penn : He always does this.

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(NSFW) A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller, “I want to open a fucking checking account.”

The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.”

The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation.

The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. <...

How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank?

Call them and tell them you can't come.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Japanese tourist went into an American bank to exchange some Yen for Dollars..

He handed the teller 10,000 Yen and the teller returned him $90.

Confused, the Japanese man said "last month I exchanged 10,000 yen and received $100. Why today only $90?"

The teller replied "Fluctuations"

"Oh yeah? Fluck you Yankees too!" retorted the Japanese man

A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist

"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?' "*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*

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A masked man enters a sperm bank with a gun.

He points the gun at the woman behind the desk. Shivering in fear she says, "take anything you want!"

"Open that cup of semen."

The woman looks over at a tray of recent sperm samples with a disgusted look on her face.

He yells, "Do it!"

Shivering in fear she grabs the co...

Yo mama such a ho she got fired from the sperm bank...

...for drinking on the job.

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

Man in court for bank robbery.

After 3 weeks of trial the Judge says to the defendant, We find you not guilty: The guy then replies, does this mean I get to keep the money?

I decided to chat up the person next to me at the sperm bank yesterday.

I said, "Do you come here often?"

Called my local sperm bank clinic to know what's the best time to pay them a visit.

They said, “Whenever you feel like coming.”

I need everyone to wish me luck. I've got a meeting at the bank in a few minutes, and if all goes well, I will finally become debt free.

I'm so excited, I can barely get my ski mask on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two penises are robbing a bank...

A vibrator walks in, and one penis says to the other “oh fuck. It’s Robocop”

(Courtesy of Die Antwoord)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dyslexic walks into a bank and yells

"Air in the hands mother stickers, this is a fuck up!"

Today at the bank an old lady asked me to check her balance.

So i pushed her over.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two dyslexic bank robbers walk into a bank

“Get your hands up mother stickers this is a fuck up”

Whats another name for a canadian bank?

A Loonie Bin

I tried to learn to invest money, but i could not figure it out, so i put all of my money into a bank account.

It all makes cents now.

My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did.

Account balance: $9.11

A young aristocratic woman pulls up to a large New York bank in her Rolls Royce.

She parks in front of the bank and goes inside where she is greeted by a banker.

"Hi, Sir. I would like to take out a loan using my Rolls Royce as collateral" the woman says to the banker.

"Yes ma'am. How much money will you need to borrow?" he asks.

"$500.00 please" says the ...

A frog goes into a bank for sizable a personal loan.

He finds himself at the desk of a man with a name plate that reads "J. Paddywack: Sr. Loan Officer"

Paddywack says, "This is quite an amount you're asking for Mr..."

"Richards," the frog says, "My dad, Keith, said you'd be able to help me."

"Um...yes. Do you have any collateral?...

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at o...

I thought people would flock to my bank if I offered 0% mortgages.

But there was literally no interest.

A German sneaks into a swiss bank:

"I want to invest one million euros." he whispers.

The banker says: "You can talk aloud, poverty is no shame in Switzerland."

Are you a bank?

You need to leave me a loan.

My girlfriend and I went to the bank and opened a shared savings account, mostly for buying weed.

It will be our joint account.

A naked women robbed a bank.

Nobody could remember her face.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
<...

My bank recently called me to let me know I had an outstanding balance

I replied "Thank you, I used to do gymnastics" and hung up the phone.

That was nice of them to say.

Asian guy goes into bank to check on his million dollars!!!

Asian: why do I only have 999 900 dollars instead of 1 million dollars

Bank teller: Fluctuations

Asian: Fluck you too.

For Palestinians living on the West Bank...

the struggle Israel

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A man goes to a bank and asks to deposit $5,000 into his account.

The next day, he comes back and deposits $10,000.
The next day, he comes back and deposits $7,500. As he walks out, the banker asks him how he gets so much money in a day.
The man walks up to him and whispers, “I make bets with people.”
The banker tells him, “How do you make so much?”
...

Why was the Irish bank teller happy?

Because his capital's Dublin.

(hope this isn't a repost)

Yesterday, I came to the sperm bank as a donor, but instead of appreciating it, the people there kept asking me questions.

Which I found totally unfair, because I obviously couldn't answer with my mouth full.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the only bank the jews don't control?

The west one

A lawyer and his friend waiting in line inside a bank when 5 robbers declared a hold up.

The robbers told everybody to lie down and put their money and jewelries inside the bag that the robbers are carrying. Then before the robbers reach the both of them, the lawyer gave his friend $2000-

Lawyer : That's the $2000 that i owe you

Why do banks have drive thru windows?

So the cars can meet their real owners.

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman rob a bank

They each escape the bank with a large sack of money but are being chased by the police. They turn down an alley way but it's a dead end and they decide that jumping in the sacks of money is their best chance of not being arrested.
Three police officers finally catch up and just see the three sac...

After a grueling process, a tree walks into a bank and says with loud excitement "Excuse me...

I've been to a lot of branches, and this one sticks out the best to meet my needs!!!"

The branch manager looks stumped, and replies "I'll leaf you to deal with my trusted staff, but you'll have to watch how you bark around here."

The tree looked embarrassed...

"But, I'm sure we'...

My bank loves me.

They told me my credit card balance is outstanding.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bank

" everyone get your hands in the air" he screams " this is a fuck up!"
"Don't you mean a stick up?" Asks the teller
"No it's a fuck up, I forgot the fucking gun!!"

What bank do drug testing companies prefer to use?

PNC

Why did the football team go to the bank?

To get their quarterback

I have a bank account specifically for my marijuana purchases.

I call it my Joint bank account.

Me and my friend made a bank account just to save up for drugs

I call it 'joint' account

England has no kidney bank but...

It does have a Liverpool

A frog walks into a bank

He’s greeted by the receptionist “good afternoon sir, welcome to first national bank, my name is Patty Zwack, how may I help you?”. “Hello Patty, I would like to apply for a loan” said the frog. “Well” said Patty “we usually require collateral, something valuable we can retain if you fail to repay t...

A doctor walks into a bank full of anivaxxers

The doctor walks in with a syringe in hand and says:
"Gimme all the money and nobody gets shot!"

Sperm bank

A man and. woman are chatting in an elevator. "What are you up to today?" he asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20 a pint."
"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100 a tablespoon."
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The nurse at the sperm bank told me

I should masturbate in a cup. I told her “I’m good, but I’m not sure I’m ready to compete.”

Did you hear about the dummy that robbed a bank?

Police are questioning a ventriloquist who may have had a hand in it.

A group of robbers burst into a bank and line everybody inside up against the wall.

They then proceed to take anything of monetary value from the people. Among those about to be robbed are two bank accountants.
Suddenly, one of them thrusts something into the hand of the other.
“What’s this?” He whispered.
“It’s the fifty bucks I owe you.”

A lady pregnant with triplets goes into a bank where there is a robbery

She gets shot 3 times and is rushed to the hospital and there the doctor tells her the she will be fine and so will her children but when there older they will need to remove the bullets.

12 years pass and one day one of the children walks runs to the mom

S1: Mommy mommy I peed out a b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The bank president's balls.

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's off...

At the sperm bank

me: thanks for the glass of milk earlier

sperm bank employee: what glass of milk?

me: the glass of milk that was on your desk

sperm bank employee: oh my god

me: what?

sperm bank employee: you drank my glass of milk

A North Korean lady was in line in front of me at my bank in the U.S., trying to exchange some won. She was obviously irritated, arguing with the teller.

“Why it change? Yesterday I get two hunat dolla of won, today I get
only one hunat eighty. Why it change?”

Teller shrugs his shoulders, says, “Fluctuations.”

Korean lady says, “Fluc you white people too!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is sex the opposite of banking?

Once you make a deposit, there's no more interest.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup...

I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."



Edit: Wow. Front page and reddit gold. Thanks everybody. :)



Edit 2: Wow. Reddit silver and more reddit gold. Thanks guys. :)

Sign above bank teller’s station: “To err is human,

to forgive is not bank policy.”

I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.

It's called Meal or no Meal.

So I saw an ad near a bank for interest-free loans

I went inside to ask for one but no one gave a f\*\*\*

A man walks into a sperm bank with a jar in his hand

"What are you here for today, sir?" the front desk woman asks.

The man explains, "So I was here a couple of days ago and I was asked to bring a sample of my sperm. So I got home and I used both my left hand and right hand. Nothing. I asked my wife for help. She used her left hand and then her...

A frog goes into a bank

He hops up on the desk of the loan officer.
''Hi,'' he croaks.''What's your name?'

The loan officer says, ''My name is John Paddywack. May I help you?''

''Yeah,'' says the frog. ''I'd like to borrow some money.''

The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form....

I work at a bank and everyday this middle aged girl comes in and asks me to check her balance. I finally got tired of it and pusher her over. She didn’t have good balance.

I did what she asked so idk why they fired me

Bank robbery...

A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors

But he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect.

Luckily the judge was lenient as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got fired from my job at the sperm bank. I was just trying to be helpful...

But apparently telling all the patients “It sure takes balls to do what you’re doing” wasn’t appreciated

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two moths.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fer...

You wanna know why my bank has a drive-through window?

So that the real owners of the car can check up on it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes into a bank, and the clerk asks "Can I help you sir?"

A guy goes into a bank.

Clerk: "Can I help you, sir"

Guy: "Yea you fucking bitch, I want to open a fucking account"

Clerk: "Please there’s no need for cursing"

Guy: "I just want to open a fucking account."

Clerk: "Sir I’ll help you but watch your language"

S...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the bank manager who was caught having an affair with an employee?

They were fired for having safe sex.

People who rob jewelry stores and banks are pretty bad.

But people who rob bakeries really take the cake.

Humans are just organ banks

And so is my refrigerator

I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400. I said, "I'd like large bills, please."

She looked at me, confused, and said, "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."

A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a buddhist monk on the other side. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?”

The buddhist monk shouts back: “You are on the other side.”

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A dog walks into a bank. "I'd like to make a de-paw-sit."

-"Haha thats funny!"
-"You think my finances are a fucking joke, Jessica?"

Boy: What's a palindrome?

Teacher: racecar

{10 years later}

Boy: [bursting out of bank in ski mask] where's the palindrome

Getaway driver: [sitting in kayak]

Just had a call from the bank

I've just had a call from the bank, I've got enough money to last the rest of my life
.

.

.

.

.

If I die by 1600 **(4pm)** today

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bank office and says...

"I WANT TO OPEN A FUCKIN BANK ACCOUNT!"

The accounts manager is taken aback and says, "Excuse me, sir! We do not allow that kind of language in here!"

He says, "WHAT'S THE GODDAMN ISSUE, BITCH?! I JUST WANT TO OPEN A FUCKIN BANK ACCOUNT!"

"Sir!" She says and stands up from her d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irishman walks into a bank

Says to the cashier - "Give me all your money, this is a fuckup!"

"don't you mean a stickup?"

"no, a fuckup - ive forgotten my gun"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boris Johnson walks into a Bank

He needs to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?"

Cashier: It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?

BJ: Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Bor...

I got fired from the bank

I don’t know why, the people seemed to love me.

Everybody that spoke to me gave me a tip!

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Two dyslexics decide to rob a bank

They drew up the plans and had everything in order. The day came and they drove to the bank, pulled up in front and put their ski masks on. They got out, burst through the front doors and screamed, "Air in the hands mother stickers, this is a fuck up!"

Got fired today because I fell for a scam asking me to wire a sizable amount of company money to a foreign bank account.

If that hadn't been stupid enough, I also confused the foreign bank account with my own.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men rob the bank

When running away after the robbery the security guard yells at them: " stop you bastards"

One of the man stops and tells at his friends: "you go on, he recognised me!"

A woman walks into a bank..

A woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.

The banker asks, “Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?”

The woman says, “Yes, of course. I’ll use my Rolls Royce.”

The banker, stunned, asks, “A $250,000 Rolls Roy...

All of my family are police marksmen except my grandfather, who was a bank robber.

He died recently, surrounded by his relatives.

(Credit to Milton Jones)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bank

and says to the teller, "I want to open a fucking checking account." The teller is caught off guard by his language and says "Sir, I can help you but this is a place of business and we don't tolerate foul language." The man says "I just need to open a god damn checking account." Frustrated, the tell...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Cowboy from Ft. Worth, Texas walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer.

The Cowboy told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the old cowboy handed over...

If anyone ever figured out my secret 4-digit code, I'd be screwed! They'd have my bank pin #, phone unlock code, front door lock code...

...they'd even know my birth year!

Two birds decide to pull a bank heist

Well... One was a chicken.

The other was Robin.

There's this girl named Patty-Whack who works in a bank.

One day, a little green frog comes in, reminiscent of Kermit the frog. He's carrying a tiny pink elephant in hands, and walks up to Patty-Whack.

"Excuse me miss, I would like to apply for a loan. I won't be able to pay it back, but I can offer you this elephant statue in exchange. It's worth ...

A blonde wants to travel abroad.

She parks her car in front of a bank near the airport and gets out with her trolleys. She then enters the bank and walks to the next teller.

Blonde: Hello, I want to get a loan for $1000,-

Teller: Very well. But I need a credit security in order to grant you that loan.

Blonde: ...

Anyone can make $1m a year by simply putting $50m in a bank for the interest. Bit not everyone knows how to earn $50m. I do

Put $2.5b in a bank.

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A man wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun bursts through the door of a Bank.

"Go to the back and give me everything you've got " the man said.

The woman replies, "Sir, this is a mistake, this is a __sperm__ bank."

"I don't give a shit, you go get me what I told you!"

The woman goes to the back and comes out carrying a tray full of sperm samples.

"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pregnant woman walks into a bank being robbed,

She tried to call the cops and got shot in the stomach three times. Luckily, all her children were safe.

15 years later, one of her daughters came up to her and said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.

Then, her other daughter walked into th...

Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank,

Give a man a bank and he’ll rob the world.

Why are there no toilets in some banks?

Because they don't accept such deposits.

I just checked my bank account balance and I have $10K

the K is silent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pregnant woman walks into a bank

A pregnant woman who is expecting triplets walks into a bank, while she is in there a robber walks in and shouts for everyone to get down on the ground, the woman is too slow so the man shoots her 3 times and runs away from the scene.

The woman survives, and the doctor told her that in 12 yea...

A frog walks into a bank

He goes up to the teller, Patricia Black, and asks to borrow some money.

“I don’t have any info on you,” she says. I’m going to at least see some collateral before we can discuss giving you any money.”

“No problem,” says the frog, who pulls out a small statuette.

“What’s this? ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bank

He walked to a window and saw a pretty woman on the other side and decided to tease her.

Woman: how can I help you today?

Man: I would like to open an account.

Woman: of course, it shouldn't take long at all. Would it be checking or savings?

Man: Checking.

Woman: T...

NSFW - A masked man bursts into a sperm bank with a gun...

He runs up to the woman working the front desk and screams, "OPEN THE VAULT!"

The woman is frightened and confused, "Sir, this is a sperm bank!"

"OPEN IT!", he yells while waving the gun.

She complies and opens the vault.

"Now take out a sample and drink it!", he demands....

How does Tyra Banks pick her nose?

From a catalog.

A Frog Walks into A Bank

Patricia (Patty) Mac worked as a loan officer for a bank. One day a frog walks into her office.

“How may I help you” Patricia asked.

The frog replied, “I would like to take out a $20,000 loan”.

“You, a frog, wants a loan”?

“Yes, please”.

Patty runs his credit ...

What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?

Thanks for coming!

Kermit the frog walks into a bank...

He wants to get a loan and so he speaks to the bank’s loan officer, Mr. Paddywack. Mr. Paddywack asks Kermit how much money he wants to borrow and what is the purpose of the loan. Kermit replies that he needs $5,000 to fix up his lilly pad and to do some other swamp maintenance. Mr. Paddywack is int...

Working in a bank is a very ungrateful job.

A lady asks me to check her balance. I politely said I sure will.

So I push her over, and they have the audacity to fire me!

A cop was interviewing a witness to a bank robbery...

Cop: Did you see the robbers?

Witness: Sort of. There were three guys wearing ski masks and an elephant.

Cop: An elephant?!

Witness: Yeah, an elephant.

Cop: Was it an African or Indian elephant?

Witness: I didn't ask where it was from.

Cop: No, Afric...

A frog walks into a bank

A frog walks into the bank and points at the nearest teller. "You! What's your name?"

"It's Patty," says the teller.

"Last name?"

"Whack. Can I help you?"

"Yeah," the frog says. "My dad is Keith Richards and you're gonna give me a loan. I need $3,000 before I leave to...

A robber walks into a bank

He proceeds to take all the money and begins to walk out. Before he leaves he turns to a customer lying on the floor and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

"Yes, sir," says the man, to which the robber shoots him.

He turns to another customer and says, "Did you see me rob this bank?...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman.

He noticed her sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman seated over there'
..... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not lookin...

I was approved to borrow money, but then the bank found out I want to be a rapper with face tattoos

Now they won't post m'loan.

A frog walks in to a bank.

He asks for a loan, and the teller, named Patricia wack says no.

He then says “But my father is Mic Jagger!”

Patricia says no again.

He then lays his heart and soul, a marble elephant, down on the table, and asks again. “Can I have a loan?”

Patricia flips over the table a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bank

He's accompanied by a broker. The man asks to speak to someone about making a large deposit, so the banker sends him straight to the boss.

"Good morning," says the man, "I'm here to deposit $40,000.

"Well now," says the banker, "how did you acquire such funds? We like to keep a clean n...

How to get into any bank/store etc without getting arrested with this one simple trick

Walk through the front door during business hours.

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