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What did the reddit user say after detonating a bomb inside a bank?

EDIT: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!

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The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup.

I said, “Well, I’m pretty good, but I don’t think I’m ready to compete just yet.”

A frog walks into a bank

... and approaches the teller. He can see from her name tag that her name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti stares at the talking frog in disbelief but recovers herself quickly and asks him how much he wants to bo...

I got fired from my job at the bank today.

An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

80 year old man walks into a sperm bank...

...and asks to give a sample. The desk nurse asks "Why?" of course and he says he wants to know if he's still "got it.". Desk nurse says Ok, whatever. Here's a cup, bring it back with a sample and we'll test it."

Next day he walks up to the desk and plops the cup down. Desk nurse looks at it...

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A shaggy looking old lady goes into her bank and asks the teller...

"Can I please withdraw $10 from my account?" while handing over her debit card.

The teller, annoyed at such a transaction request, rudely tells the old lady "Go to the ATM, stop holding up the line for $10."

The old lady then says "Okay, then I want to withdraw $10k from my account."...

Every morning, the CEO of a major bank in Manhattan went to the corner where a shoeshine man was always there.

He used to sit on the chair, read the Wall Street Journal, and the shoeshine man gave his shoes a shiny, great look.

One morning, the shoeshine man asks the CEO:
"What do you think of the stock market situation?"

The CEO arrogantly asks him:
"Why are you so interested in this...

I got fired from a sperm bank...

Every time someone walked in I'd say "get a load of this guy"

what did the receptionist say to the man leaving the sperm bank?

"thanks for coming!"

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Bank manager

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always r...

My father said I would be able to consider myself successful when my bank account balance resembled a phone number

Hey. 911 is a phone number.

What’s the difference between a sperm bank and a regular bank?

After you make a deposit at the sperm bank, you lose interest.

I didn't know what to wear to the Sperm Bank...

So I came in my pants

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An old woman walks into a bank

She asks for a meeting with the bank manager to set up an account. She explains that she wants to deposit five million dollars.

The bank manager says "If you don't mind my asking, where do you get all of your money?"

The old woman says "I'm a professional bettor."

"So like sport...

The ring leader hired the best safe cracker for their bank job...

In criminal circles he was known to crack any safe and the police never caught him. When the day of the heist came, they entered the bank, secured the building, corralled the hostages in the bank managers office and the safe cracker proceeded to the locked vault.

After a few quick inspection...

A businessman walked into a bank in San Francisco and asked for the loan officer...

He told the officer that he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The bank officer explained that the bank needed some kind of security for such a loan. So the businessman handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything ...

Hundreds of Russians are outside a bank,

grumbling about waiting hours in a long queue to make a withdrawl.

Suddenly one says '' I've had enough of this, I'm going to shoot Putin!"


He returns five hours later to the queue and his mate says '' did you kill him?''

he said ''no the queue was too long''

Give a man a gun, he will rob a bank,

Give a man a bank and he will rob the world.

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a teenage boy keeps depositing one million dollar in his bank account every day

one day, Mrs. Mary the bank manager asks him to provide the source of all the money he's depositing

"I win it through gambling" he answers

"nobody can win that much money so consistently through gambling"

"wanna proof? how about we bet on 1000$ that...

Two lawyers are standing in line at the bank

Two lawyers are standing in line at the bank when a gang of armed men burst in. Some of them start threatening the cashiers while two more go along the line of customers collecting watches, wallets, phones, everything.

As they get closer to the two lawyers one turns to the other and presses a...

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A woman walks into a bank to deposit $100,000 in cash

The bank manager decides to handle this himself, as it’s such a large deposit. As he is processing her request, he asks, “Do you mind if I ask what it is you do for a living?”.

She says, “I make bets with people…For example, I bet you $50,000 that your testicles are cube shaped, like dice”....

A cowboy walks into a bank wearing only his hat and his gun..

and a security guard taps him on the shoulder and says “excuse me sir, you’re not wearing a mask and have to leave”

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A man enter into a bank and says to the receptionist...

...:"Ok listen to me you cunt, call the mother fuckin director right now"

"Hey there sir I don't like the way you..."

He stops her and goes again: "Listen to me you cunt you don't look at me in the eyes when you talk and call your fucking director"

The receptionist afraid calls ...

I work at a sperm bank

I make sure to tell everyone’s thanks for coming today!

2 Russians are robbing a bank...

2 Russians are robbing a bank... Everything went successful, quickly and silently. However, before existing the bank, one Russian stops another one: "Hey, what kind of a robbery is it if no one got injured or killed?"

Russian 2: "You're right, kill that woman that's sitting over there!"
...

A priest, a lawyer, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank...

... and the nurse asks, "what types are you?"

The rabbit says, "I'm probably a Type O."

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A man walked into a bank and walked up to the teller. He said,

I want to open a fucking bank account.
Astonished, the lady replied, "I'm sorry sir, but we don't tolerate that kind of language at this banking establishment." With that said she walked up to the bank manager and explained the situation. He agrees that the woman should not have to listen to that...

The sperm bank I visited yesterday had it's own food court.

Unfortunately, it was just a Jack In The Box.

Gilbert O'Sullivan came into my bank the other day...

“What did he want?”

A loan again, naturally.

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A guy went into a bank to ask for a loan. ‘I have some black powder,’ he told the manager. ‘You sprinkle it on a woman’s vagina and it makes it taste like a peach.’ ‘I’m sorry,’ said the manager. ‘I don’t think we can give you a loan for that.’

A few months later the same guy entered the same bank pushing a wheelbarrow full of money.
The manager said: ‘Congratulations. I guess that idea for black powder really paid off.’
‘No, that didn’t go anywhere. I made my money with this white powder.’
‘Really?’ said the manager. ‘What doe...

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A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account." [NSFW]

A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account."

The teller, upset, says "We don't tolerate language like that here."

The man asks "What's the fucking problem? It's not like anyone really gives a shit!"

The teller then leaves with...

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The Japanese Banking Sector is crashing!

Employees at the Karate Bank are for the chop.

The Bonsai Bank has had to cut some branches.

The Karaoke Bank is going for a song.

The Sumo Bank had to trim the fat.

Employees at the Sushi Bank are getting a raw deal.

Prices at the Samurai Bank have been slashed....

In the middle of a bank robbery, a guy with no arms walks right in and says

Dont shoot. Im unarmed.

A 10 year old protestant boy and a 10 year old catholic girl are standing on a river bank.

A 10 year old protestant boy and a 10 year old catholic girl are standing on a river bank.

The girl says, "my mom will be really angry if my shoes get wet"
And so they both agree to remove their shoes prior to entering the water.

They wade into the water and it starts getting deeper...

Russian Ruble is now worth less than 1 U.S. Cent after SWIFT Bank Sanctions

I think it's time we start calling the Ruble for what really is: Rubble

Bank Code

Kevin was withdrawing money from an ATM.

A person, who was just behind him in the line said, "Ha! Ha! I've seen your password. Its 4 asterisks!


Kevin replies, "Ha! Ha! Ha! You are wrong. Its 1258."

Elmer Fudd and Daffy break into a distillery.

Daffy turns to Elmer and says, “ Is this whiskey?”

Elmer says: “yeah, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank.”

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What do Russian Banks and my ass have in common?

We're both having liquidity crises right now.

I'm feeling slightly sick, please send soup and crackers.

what did Michael Jackson say at the bank?

leave me a loan

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A man runs into a bank, pulls out a gun and robs the teller. He then turns the gun on the on the first man standing in the tellers line and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man stammered, "Yes."

Bang!  The robber shoots him.

He then turns the gun on the married couple next in line, points the gun at the husband and demands, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The husband quickly responds, "No....but my wife did!"

The Emperor's new bank account

A well dressed man walks into a bank of a famously known gambler.

The man asks the gambler, would you be interested in a different type of wager?

If you guess the range of all my assets within 1 billion dollars, I will give you a billion, but you have to give me 1 dollar for every do...

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A man hears a voice inside his head that tells him " quit your job, sell your car, empty your bank account, go to a casino and put everything on number 7."

The man ignores the voice, and go back to his normal life. After 7 days he hears the same voice telling him " quit your job, sell your car, empty your bank account, go to a casino and put everything on number 7." he ignores it again and 7 days later he hears the same voice saying the same thing....

A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”

The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

A man wants to deposit money at a Swiss bank.

"How much do you want to deposit?" asks the bank employee.

Whispers the man, "Three million."

"You can speak up," says the bank clerk. "In Switzerland, poverty is not a disgrace."

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a young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day some builders arrived to put up a house on the lot

The family had a three year old daughter who naturally took some interest in all the activity going on next door.

She hung around on the margins, and eventually the builders adopted her as kind of a mascot. They chatted to her and gave her little pretend jobs to do.

At the end of the w...

What do you suggest I do?

An 18 year old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for 2
months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says "who was the pig that did this ...

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bank account.

Did you that sex is like a bank account, when you withdraw you lose interest.

Why was the doggo moving sticks around a bank location?

He was the Branch Manager (not to be confused with the official position of the human in charge)

I was sitting in the courtroom the other day and my phone started to die. Luckily I brought my mobile power bank.

Anyways, I was charged with battery.

A man wearing a ski mask walks into a sperm bank, holding a gun he orders the receptionist to open the vault.

“But sir, this is just a sperm bank” replied the receptionist.

“I don’t care,” the man screamed, “open the vault.”

The receptionist opens the vault and inside are dozens of sperm samples. The man says “ Now take one of those sperm samples and drink it” the man demands.

“ But sir...

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Four prisoners are killed in a prison bus accident

A drug dealer, a car thief, a bank robber and a rapist all die and are sent immediately to hell. Once there Satan begins checking his documents and says he isn’t ready for them. He says “you died a little too soon. So we don’t have anywhere to put you. I will be clearing out a few places for you but...

It's my cake day! Here's my favorite blonde joke.

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette tells her s...

I was talking to a guy at a sperm bank

I asked, “You come here often?”

John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns ...

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She wants to open an account

One day, a raggedy looking woman carrying a large paper bag walks into the bank and asks to see the bank manager.

The receptionist is hesitant, but when she sees the large amount of cash in the bag, she escorts the lady into the manager's office. The raggedy old lady says she'd like to open ...

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A dog walks into a bank with his lawyer for making deposit of 1M$ cash money

The teller of the bank brings dog to bank president because of so much money.

The bank president says for dog and lawyer come into his office and close the door. He makes question to the dog, "How do you come by having so much moneys?"

The dog replies, "ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF G...

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I applied to manage the US Naval sperm bank in Bangkok. The interviewer said they couldn’t hire me, because I was a domestic civilian.

He said only an overseas seaman oversees overseas seamen semen overseas.

A robber enters a sperm bank..

-Give me all the vaults money right now! Says to the cashier
-Sir this is a sperm bank! In the "vault" we only have sperm says the woman in agony
- Go to the vault, get three bottles of sperm and start drinking them!!!
The woman fearing for her life drinks very reluctantly the two bottles<...

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What happened to the bank teller that masterbaited in the vault?

He came into a lot of money

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An old lady went to the bank.

She said to the Banker. I'd like to open a joint account.

"With who?" asked the banker, She replied.

"Anyone who has lots of money and a big dick"

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A bank robber pulls out a gun, points it at the teller...

Robber: "Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!'

Cashier (puzzled) "Did you mean to say "or you're history?"

Robber: "Don't change the subject."

“Show me where the money is!”, yelled the bank robber.

Teller: “...........”.

Robber: *waving his gun* “Tell me where the money is or I’ll shoot!”

Teller: “...........”.

Penn: “He always does this”.

The reason the bank account of I, a trans person, is empty.

Every action I make is a transaction.

A couple is playing golf, when accidentally the ball flies out of the field and breaks a window of a nearby house

The house looks quite expensive, and the couple is very nervous, wondering how much they have to pay for the window. They knock the door, and a middle aged man opens it.

The husband apologizes: “Good afternoon sir. I and my wife were playing golf here. We didn’t mean it, but we have to apolog...

An armed masked man bursts into a bank yelling "EVERYBODY PUT YOUR HANDS UP, THIS IS A ROBBERY!"

The patrons and staff, terrified, comply.


He's loading up his sack with cash when his mask slips off. He quickly pulls it back up and sees two guys who may have seen his face. He points his gun at the first.


"Did you see my face?"


"Yes"


BANG, he sh...

A man walks into a bank with a 100 dollar check he wants cashed.

The banker asks him if he wouldn't rather invest it?

"No." says the man. "I don't trust these banks more than I have too. If I give you my 100 dollars, what happens if the investment goes south? I'll lose everything."

"Well," says the banker with a paternal smile, "If that happens, all...

Guy in court for bank robbery.

After 3 weeks of trial the Jury finds the man not guilty, Judge says to the defendant, the Jury have found you not guilty, you are free to leave: The Guy then asks, does this mean I get to keep the money?

An elastic band runs into a bank with a gun.

"Nobody move, this is a rubbery!"

Banks need to be better at restocking these ATMs at Xmas….

This is the 5 th one I have been to that said insufficient funds

A man enters (not a bar) a bank...

... in Switzerland. "Shhh" he whispers, "I want to open an account with one million Dollars!"

"No need to whisper" says the teller, "poverty is no reason for shame in Switzerland".

A Scottish Terrier walks into a bank

He sits at the desk of the Loan Officer, a Ms. Patty Black. He asks if he’s eligible for a small business loan.

“Do you have any collateral?”, Patty asks.

“I do have this,” replies the Terrier, rooting around in his bag and pulling out a small porcelain figurine.

“I’m not sur...

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The old woman's bet

The president of a major international bank is sitting in his office on the top floor of a high rise building when his secretary says an old woman wants to see him and insists that she'd only see him and no one else. He tells her to let her in. The old woman walks in with a suitcase. He shows her th...

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The tale of the fly and the lake

Once upon a time, at a small lake in the forest, a little fly was hovering over the calm waters, close to the water's edge.

Unbeknownst to it, a carp spotted the little insect from under the water's surface, and thought to itself:

*"If you fly just a little lower, buddy, I can just jum...

Me and the wife went to a bank-robber themed fancy dress party last night.

Well I did. She stayed in the car, keeping the engine running.

A man is told the local bank offers mortgages with no interest

The man enters the bank.

Man: I’m here to find out about the mortgage

Employee: I don’t really care.

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A woman pregnant with triplets goes into a bank...

...just as its being robbed. The robbery goes wrong and she gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she manages to live.

She was rushed to the hospital, where the doctor after examination tells her that
the bullets can't be removed but she and her children will be alright, and th...

An 80 year old bachelor visits a sperm bank…

He’s decided that he would leave a specimen behind in case anyone would want to use it.

The receptionist gave him a jar, pointed to another room and informed him that there were magazines in the room, in case he needed the extra encouragement.

After a few mins of quiet, the reception...

Where do fish put their savings?

In the river bank, of course.

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A frog walks into a bank...

And is greeted by Patricia Wack, the bank teller. He hops onto the counter, and asks to open a line of credit with their bank, requesting 150 thousand dollars.

Taken aback, Ms. Wack says "Well....uh...do you have collateral?" and very slowly and calmly, the frog pulls out a small porcelain p...

My friends Victor and Timothy were arrested for bank robbery, but they are denying it.

They are claiming it’s a Vic Tim less crime.

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After making love as a married couple for the first time, a young bride asks her husband for $50. As he pays her, he advises, "if you want roleplaying, we should both be in on it... ask for the money up front."

So, every time they have sex, she asks for $50 and he gladly pays. After all, it's THEIR money.

After a year, he stops at the bank to get a crisp new $100 Bill to make their anniversary special. He hands it to her as he walks in the door.

"That's sweet," she says, "but first, come o...

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A proctologist is at the bank trying to sign a check, but his pen just won't work...

He looks down at the pen and realizes that it's not a pen, but rather a rectal thermometer.

He says, "Great! Now some asshole has my pen!"

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A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?" Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted,...

Why did the football coach go to the bank?

To get his quarter back.

A man find a bottle and rubs it, a Genie pops out and tells the man he has three wishes.

The man’s first wish is for infinite wealth. The genie says, “No problem!” And grants the wish. The man’s bank account crashes due to the amount of money it contains!

The man’s second wish is to have a really nice car that will never run out of gas. The Genie says, “Oh man, that’s a tough one...

It seems SBF’s parents jumbled his name

It should have been Fried a Bank


Too soon?

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A bank robber swallows a million dollars

Desperate and on the run from the police, a bank robber forces his entire million dollar haul down his gullet and calmly walks home.

The next day he is suffering from extreme cramping and his pain becomes worse throughout the day. In the end he cannot take it anymore and presents himself to ...

What type of money do you make when you donate to a sperm bank everyone day?

Passive incum

Meeting at the bank

I need everyone to wish me luck today. I have a meeting at the bank later and if it's a success, I'll be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I'm so excited I can barely put on my ski mask....

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I've started making deposits at a sperm bank instead of having sex with women (NSFW)

At least that way I know I'm getting some interest.

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A frog walked into a bank for a loan.

He took a number and when it was his turn walked up to the available teller. Noticing her name placard said Patricia Wack, he said “Hello Patricia, I demand a 10 thousand dollar loan for a new business venture.” Astonished at the circumstances she found herself in, the teller told the frog she would...

I won $1M in the lottery

I gave a quarter of it to charity, and put the other $999,999.75 in the bank.

The sperm bank employee come back after stepping out of their office for a minute

Me: Thanks for the glass of milk by the way

Him: What glass of milk?

Me: The one that was on your desk

Him: Oh my god

Me: What?

Him: You drank my glass of milk?

Armed man storms into a sperm bank wearing a ski mask

He shouts "**everybody hit the floor!**" and shoots his gun twice at the ceiling. Everybody hits the floor in muffled panic. He then approaches the main desk and accosts the lady behind the counter:

\- **you! bank lady! where is the storage vault?**

\+ it's downstairs but--

\- ...

A blonde and an alligator

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of real alligator shoes in the worst way, but she didn't want to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde ...

Funny isn't it??

Me – “I am amazing at managing my credit card”

Because my bank keeps sending me messages saying my account is ***outstanding***!

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A man walks into a sperm bank with $15,000 cash and says "I'd like to make a deposit please"

The receptionist tells him "Sir, this isn't that kind of bank, we can't help you with that."

The man goes "shit, that must be why I was getting funny looks when I made my deposit at the other place"

Two Londoners went to the sperm bank.

A total waste of time. One of them came on the bus, the other one missed the tube!

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A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank.

Suddenly, armed men storm in and try to rob the bank. A shootout occurs and the woman is hit by bullets several times.

Shortly after, the woman is brought to the hospital and gets emergency surgery. The surgeon is able to remove all bullets except three due to endangerment to the triplets. ...

Lots of people thought I was a fool for going into debt because I overspent on therapy sessions.

But now I'm laughing all the way to the bank.

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A pregnant lady expecting triplets is tragically shot during a bank robbery

She was shot 3 times in the belly, and 1 bullet hit each of the 3 baby boys. Miraculously, they all survived!


One day about 14 years later, one of her boys came crying to her saying “mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out of my penis”. Then she sat him down and explained what happened al...

What's the difference between churches and banks?

Both take your money but only one gives it back.

A man walks into a bank

He goes straight to the teller and says "tell me something...". The teller says "yes, what would you like to know". The man replies "I don't know, you're the teller"

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So, a frog walks into a bank...

A well dressed frog with a briefcase and dark shades walks into a bank and sits down at a desk. The clerk is a bit shocked to see a frog in a suit and tie but, being professional, asks the frog how me can help him.


"Umm, hello sir, My name is Patty, how can I help you today?"
"I ne...

A naked woman robbed a bank

Nobody could remember her face

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Japanese banks

The recent tsunami in Japan has badly affected the banking sector.

Origami bank has folded.

Sumo bank has gone belly up.

Bonsai bank has cut back some of its branches.

Karaoke bank has been put up for sale and is going for a song.

Analysts report that there is some...

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My friend told m this idk if it’s from someone else

So a pregnant lady with triplets is at a bank … and it starts getting robbed, the bank robber shoots her three times in the stomach. The doctors miraculously save each baby.




about 16 years pass and each shield is old and healthy, one girl and two boys.


The girl say...

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A Japanese business man living in nyc goes into the bank to exchange a large amount of US dollars into Yen....

He does the transaction with the teller, offer a polite bow accompanied by an ‘ah so’, and leaves.

He comes back in a week with another large amount of usd to exchange. This time he gets much less yen. He looks quizzically at the teller and she says to him, ‘fluctuations’!!

He angril...

My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did.

Account balance: $9.11

So our local sperm bank got shut down

Turns out it was just some old pervert who set up a glory hole.

Slow bank line??

You wanna get the line at the bank to move quicker?? Tap on the shoulder of the guy in front of you, and say, "Hey, man, you wouldn't happen to know how to un-jam a pistol, would you??"

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Massage therapist at the bank

I man was waiting in at his bank and he started massaging the shoulders of the man standing in front of him. The man turned around and said, "What are you doing?!" The massage therapist said, "Oh, I'm a massage therapist and I thought I'd get some practice in while I waited in line." The other man s...

A Car full of bank robbers has crashed into a cement truck yesterday while evading police …

The police are now searching for hardened criminals.

Chuck Norris, Zelensky, and God all walk into a bar.

The Bartender looks up, "Were were just about to start a new drinking game I've been working on. I call out a bragging point, and each one willing to meet it, chugs their drink. The last man standing due to matching every post and surviving every drink, gets the pot. Everyone else has to split the t...

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