My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did.

Account balance: $9.11

England has no kidney bank but...

It does have a Liverpool

A woman walks into a bank..

A woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.

The banker asks, “Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?”

The woman says, “Yes, of course. I’ll use my Rolls Royce.”

The banker, stunned, asks, “A $250,000 Rolls Roy...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money.

She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.


After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.


The pres...

A naked woman robbed a bank

Nobody could remember her face

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pregnant woman walks into a bank

A pregnant woman who is expecting triplets walks into a bank, while she is in there a robber walks in and shouts for everyone to get down on the ground, the woman is too slow so the man shoots her 3 times and runs away from the scene.

The woman survives, and the doctor told her that in 12 yea...

Girls tell me I’m ugly until they see my bank account.

Then they tell me I’m ugly and poor.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw my doctor in the bank.

When he went to sign his check, he realized he was holding a rectal thermometer. He looked up and said, "Damn! Some asshole's got my pen.

:)

Just found out you can sell sperm to a sperm bank

All these years I've been letting potential income slip through my fingers

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for a $5K loan

The loan officer requested collateral, and the man gave him the keys of the Rolls-Royce. The car was driven into the bank's underground parking and the man was given the $5K.

​

Two weeks later the man goes to the bank and asks to settle up his loan. The officer tells him "I...

A frog goes Into a bank

A frog walks into a bank, and approaches the teller. He sees the tellers name tag read Patricia Black and says

"I'd like to take out a loan, Mrs. Black"

"Certainly," says the teller, "how much would that be for?"

"One million dollars." replies the frog. "Don't worry, it's ok, I...

So I lost my job at the bank on my very first day...

An old woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Sperm bank

A man and. woman are chatting in an elevator. "What are you up to today?" he asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20 a pint."
"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100 a tablespoon."
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup...

I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."



Edit: Wow. Front page and reddit gold. Thanks everybody. :)



Edit 2: Wow. Reddit silver and more reddit gold. Thanks guys. :)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Man walks into a bank

He steps up to the teller and says...
"I would like to open a fucking checking account"

The teller looks at him and says "I would love to help you sir, but could you please watch your language"?

The man say.
"Listen Bitch, shut your mouth and open a new checking account for me!"<...

Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank,

Give a man a bank and he’ll rob the world.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Biker at the Bank

A crusty old biker walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller window "I want to open a damn checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking ...

I got fired from the sperm bank the other day...

...I kept saying “Get a load of this guy.” every time someone walked through the door.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pregnant woman walks into a bank being robbed,

She tried to call the cops and got shot in the stomach three times. Luckily, all her children were safe.

15 years later, one of her daughters came up to her and said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.

Then, her other daughter walked into th...

An American, Mexican, and Italian robbed a bank...

They escaped with a haul of dollars, pesos, and lira. Back at their hide-out, the American distributed the money in three even shares.

“1000 dollars for me, 1000 pesos for you, 1000 lira for you... 1000 dollars for me, 1000 pesos for you, 1000 lira for you...1000 dollars for me, 1000 pesos fo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two dyslexics run into a bank...

Two dyslexics run into a bank, guns drawn, and yell, "Air in the hands, Mother Stickers! This is a fuck up!"

If anyone ever figured out my secret 4-digit code, I'd be screwed! They'd have my bank pin #, phone unlock code, front door lock code...

...they'd even know my birth year!

A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a buddhist monk on the other side. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?”

The buddhist monk shouts back: “You are on the other side.”

What do you call it when a Bayern footballer steals from a French bank?

A Franc Robbery

If people think banks are the greediest business

They’ve clearly never gone to the movies

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A dyslexic man walks into a bank to rob it and says:

"air in the hands mothersticker, this is a fuck up".

(A mate told me this one).

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A robber tried to rob a bank with a gun

When he got inside he shot a few blanks in the air and shouted "Everyone get on the ground!"

And everyone did, except for one pregnant lady who was too slow.

Bang! Bang! Bang!
The shots rang through the air as the woman was shot thrice in the stomach

The woman was later taken...

Did you guys hear about that psychic little person who robbed a bank?

He's a small medium at large!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Proctologist goes to a bank

to make a withdrawal. The teller observes the man whip out a probe and try to write with it . The teller laughs hysterically, "Sir, you can't write with that!".
The Proctologist looks at the probe, and replies "Well shit, I guess some asshole's got my pen!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My local sperm bank doesn't take donations by appointment.

It's first cum first serve.

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday.

Apparently you are not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

An old woman walked into a bank with a huge bag of money.

She told the receptionist that she would like to meet the president of the bank as she wanted to deposit a large sum of money. The receptionist objected but the old lady wouldn’t move, so with no option left she went inside the office.

She came back and said, “You are lucky this morning, ...

You will never date the cute bank teller you see every week.

She's seen your account balance.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Japanese Banking Crisis

Uncertainty has hit the Japanese banking industry.


In the past week, Origami bank has folded, Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.


Last week it was announced that Karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song w...

Me: "When I donate blood I do not extract it. A nurse does it for me. "

Receptionist: "Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way. "

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

He walks into a bank

# NSFW
^(sorry i forgot to flair the post)

A man walks into a bank. At the teller’s window, he deposits $5,000. When he leaves, the manager walks up to the teller, concerned.

“Where does he get all that money?” said the manager to the teller, “There’s something mighty suspicious ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fer...

The FBI agent asked the bank teller after multiple robberies by the same guy

“Did you notice anything special about the man?"
"Yes, he seemed better dressed each time!"

Its the bosses birthday at the bank.

Jim is blowing up some BIG balloons.
Sam comes over and notices the size.
"Whoah jim. No need for too much inflation"

A frog goes to the bank wanting to take out a loan...

...he goes up to the counter and starts talking to the clerk. Her name tag reads “Patricia Wack” so he says “ Mrs. Wack I would like to take out a line of $10,000.” Mrs. Wack looks at him skeptically and says “I’m going to need your name and account number as well as collateral for the loan.” The f...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day, a woman finds herself in an armed robbery at her local bank.

She's pregnant with triplets, and has a hard time getting to the ground then the robbers ask her to get down. In a frenzy, she is shot three times in the stomach, and is rushed to the hospital.

&#x200B;

While she's there, the doctors find that the babies are all still okay. But the...

A man had been in jail for robbing a bank for many years now...

The police still haven't located the stolen money. One day his wife sent a letter to him asking, "I want to plant a garden in the backyard, should I do so?" The man, knowing that every letter sent in and out had been read, wrote back "No don't do it in the backyard, that's where my loot is hidden!...

Meanwhile at the Sperm Donor Bank

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.

He goes up to the nurse and demands for her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.

So she opens the door to the vault and inside are...

A frog walked into a bank

..and sat down at the desk of a loan officer. She was a friendly-looking young woman with a name tag that said Patricia Whack.

"I'm looking to take out a personal loan of $5000," the frog said.

The loan officer stared at him skeptically. "Do you have anything to offer as collateral?"...

Why did the football coach go to the bank?

To get his quarterback.

What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?

Thanks for coming!

A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller

He sees from her nametag that the woman working at the counter is named 'Patricia Wack'.

&#x200B;

"Hello Patricia." the frog says politely. "I'm here today because I'd like to borrow $200,000"

&#x200B;

Patricia does a double-take, and looks at the frog incredulo...

Why couldn’t the poor man donate at the sperm bank?

He was too low income

NSFW A lady was queueing up at the donating line at a sperm bank.

A helper goes up to her and tells her:"Ma'am, you are queueing in the wrong line. This is the line to donate sperms."

The woman stares at him for a second. She then points at her mouth and goes:"Mmm! Mmm!"

A frog enters a bank...

...and hops up on the desk of the loan officer.

''Hi,'' he croaks.''What's your name?''

The loan officer says, ''My name is John Paddywack. May I help you?''

''Yeah,'' says the frog. ''I'd like to borrow some money.''

The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman pregnant with twins is in a bank when two masked men enter with shotguns, a shot goes off and the woman is hit in the stomach by two stray pellets in the crossfire.

The woman goes to the doctors and they tell her that the pellets hit the unborn infants but that they would be ok, they'll just naturally pass the pellets as they get older. Years pass and the now mother is approached by her daughter "Mom, Mom I was on the toilet and a pellet came out!" The mother t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why is sex like a bank account?

Because when you withdraw

You lose interest

Bank of America says my password is STRONG

but I swear I changed it to p0rtaJ0NjAck0ff!

6 hours after a major bank robbery took place this morning, the bank have finally released their statement.

Withdrawn: £7 000 000.00

Balance: £0.00

Bank robber pulls out gun, points it at the teller

Robber: "Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!"
Cashier (puzzled): "Did you mean to say "or you're HISTORY?"
Robber: "Don't change the subject."

I just want to thank my bank for lending me the money for my new house.

I don’t know how I could ever repay you.

A blonde and brunette rob a bank

A blonde and brunette decide to rob a bank. "So you remember the plan?" the brunette asks. The blonde smiles and nods. "I'll keep the car ready.. Good luck!"

The blonde runs in, mask on, and pistol in one hand. 5 minutes pass and nothing. The brunette glances at her watch nervously. 10...

I was so bad at math my bank refused to give me a loan

Thank god I had someone to cosine

My wife and I spend so much money on arthritis medication and weed that we made a whole new bank account just for those two things!

It's a joint account

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bank with a loaded pistol

He shouts, everybody down or I'll shoot. Everybody gets down except one lady who is pregnant, she says she cant because she is having triplets. The man again demands she gets kn the floor. Again she says she cant because she's having triplets. The man shoots her 3 times and runs out of the bank. The...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The bank questioned the man why he didn't report the stolen credit card earlier.

"That son of a bitch was spending way less than my wife."

A fisherman is sitting on a river bank. Suddenly, he hears somebody shout ‘F*ck off!’ in the distance.

Ten minutes later he hears the same shout ‘F*ck off!!!!!’, but a bit closer. The fisherman shrugs his shoulders having no idea of what’s going on.
Another ten minutes later when he has already forgotten about the strange shout, he sees a boat with a man rowing up the river… with spoons. So the f...

A frog walks into a bank looking for a loan...

The frog goes up to the teller and says ‘hey, could I get a loan please?’ The teller, Ms. Patricia Wack, looks at the frog and decides he doesn’t look to reliable. ‘Sure,’ says ms. Wack, ‘but you will need to provide collateral, what can you offer to ensure we are making a safe investment?’ The frog...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the bank robber die having sex with the vault?

They didn’t know the safe word.

"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands"

"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands" a defense lawyer confided in his client.

"That's nothing," the client replied, ""I can produce five hundred witnesses who didn't see me running from the bank with money bags i...

A man is leaving the sperm bank at which he just donated and chats with the receptionist...

Man: “Have a good day! And thanks again for that glass of milk earlier!”

Receptionist: “Wait wait wait... what milk?”

M: “The glass of milk that was sitting on your counter”

R: “Oh no... you drank the last of my milk”

Bank Teller: "Sir, your account is overdrawn."

Me: "So are your eyebrows, but you made it work, didn't you?"

I went to the sperm bank but found out they weren’t open yet.

Guess I came a little too early.

The cops picked up a couple of spices for robbing a bank. Oregano says he won’t talk,

But only Thyme will tell.






Credit to u/hawt_pawket for helping me.

What do you call a sperm bank above maximum capacity?

Overloaded

A bank robber robs a bank.

Before leaving, he turns to one of the hostages and asks:

"Did you see who robbed the bank?"
"Yes." replies the hostage.

The robber then shoots the hostage and turns to another one.

"Did you see who robbed the bank?"
"Uh, yes?" says the hostage.

The robber s...

A woman named Patty Black finally gets her dream job at the bank

She is told to handle loans, but to get the manager is the loan was strange or asking for an excessive amount of money. After an entire day of nobody approaching her, somebody asks for her attention. It takes her a while to realize, but it is a frog in a suit sitting on the chair in front of her boo...

A frog walks into a bank for a loan...

A frog walks into a bank for a loan and is greeted by the teller.

“Well goodness me! In all 30 years of working here I’ve never once seen a frog come in! How can I help you today?”

“Well ma’am, I’ve come in for a loan.”

“I see. I can definitely help you begin the process for th...

Dear God, my prayer for 2019 is for a FAT bank account and a THIN body

Please don't mix it up like last year.

Everyone in my family was a police officer, except for my grandad, who was a bank robber

He died last week

surrounded by his family

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man at a sperm bank drinks a glass of milk...

The doctor walks in and says: "Oh no! What did you with that glass?"
The man says nervously: "I drank it, w-why do you ask?"
The doctor says: "That was MY glass of milk you asshole"

If you owe a bank a hundred dollars, you have a problem.

If you owe the bank a million dollars, the bank has a problem.

If you owe the bank several hundred million dollars, that's the taxpayers' problem.

Blackbeard goes into a bank...

Blackbeard goes into a bank looking to secure a loan for a new ship. The banker nods and says

"Yes everything is in order. You'll be gettin' the standard 3.14% interest rate."

Blackbeard raises an eyebrow at that.

"The standard rate? What's that mean?"

"3.14%. You know.....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A frog walks into a bank to apply for a loan

He addresses the teller by the name on her name badge and says "excuse me, Ms. Whack. I need a loan."

She says "Holy shit, a talking frog!"

"Actually my name is Kermit. And I need a loan."

"You're Kermit the frog?"

"No but I was named after him. My dad is Mick Jagger. He...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy walks into a bank...

He waits in line and gets called to the window of an older teller. When she asks how she can help, he replies, "I wanna open a fuckin' savings account."

The teller is offended and informs him, "Sir, please don't use such language in the bank. Now, you say you wish to open a savings account?"<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do bank managers have such thin penises?

Because they're such tight fisted wankers.

Sperm Bank Robbery

It was a normal day at the local sperm bank, when all of a sudden, a man bursts in with a mask a and a handgun and yells "EVERYONE! ON THE GROUND!"

Once every person in the facility is lying down, he walks over to the refrigerator area for very-recent donations, then turns around, facing the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Japanese man walks into a bank...

... and goes up to the teller. Even though he is new to speaking English, he says, "I wish to exchange 400 of my currency for US dollars. The teller proceeds to do so and they politely part ways. A few days pass and the Japanese man again walks into the bank, again to exchange the same amount curren...

3 women rob a bank

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead rob a bank.

They all run down a dark alley trying to ditch the cop chasing them.

With nowhere to go, they see 3 burlap sacks. Sweet the redhead says, let's hide in those.

The cop rounds the corner and sees the 3 bags right away, he kicks the ...

He was going to make a donation to the spern bank

However nothing is firm yet.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Asian Man Walks Up to A Bank Teller To Exchange Yen for Dollars....

The teller gives him $180.

The Asian man complains: "But yestaday, I get $200. Why less today?"

The teller shrugs and replies: "Fluctuations"

Livid, the Asian man yells "Well, fuck you Americans too!"

What is the difference between a sperm bank and a savings bank?

A savings bank you make a deposit and gain interest, a sperm bank you make a deposit and lose interest.

I tried buying tickets to a rap concert to see if the bank had processed the loan I requested on my account

They did not Post Malone.

A man tries to rob a bank

Man: "Where is the money!"

Teller:

Man: "Where is the money!"

Teller:

Penn: "He always does this."