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A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank.

Suddenly, armed men storm in and try to rob the bank. A shootout occurs and the woman is hit by bullets several times.

Shortly after, the woman is brought to the hospital and gets emergency surgery. The surgeon is able to remove all bullets except three due to endangerment to the triplets. ...

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Two dyslexics run into a bank and shout

Air in the hands mother stickers! This is a fuck up!

My bank recently called me to let me know I had an outstanding balance

I replied "Thank you, I used to do gymnastics" and hung up the phone.

That was nice of them to say.

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A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window,

"I want to open a fuckin' checking account"
To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"
The teller left the wi...

A man goes to a bank and asks to deposit $5,000 into his account.

The next day, he comes back and deposits $10,000.
The next day, he comes back and deposits $7,500. As he walks out, the banker asks him how he gets so much money in a day.
The man walks up to him and whispers, “I make bets with people.”
The banker tells him, “How do you make so much?”
...

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

A naked woman robbed a bank

Nobody could remember her face

My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did.

Account balance: $9.11

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The nurse at the sperm bank told me

I should masturbate in a cup. I told her “I’m good, but I’m not sure I’m ready to compete.”

At the sperm bank

me: thanks for the glass of milk earlier

sperm bank employee: what glass of milk?

me: the glass of milk that was on your desk

sperm bank employee: oh my god

me: what?

sperm bank employee: you drank my glass of milk

The vault door exploded after the bank robber rigged it with explosives.

The bank robber exclaimed, "Wow. Thanks for the gold. I can't believe this actually blew up."

A North Korean lady was in line in front of me at my bank in the U.S., trying to exchange some won. She was obviously irritated, arguing with the teller.

“Why it change? Yesterday I get two hunat dolla of won, today I get
only one hunat eighty. Why it change?”

Teller shrugs his shoulders, says, “Fluctuations.”

Korean lady says, “Fluc you white people too!”

People who rob jewelry stores and banks are pretty bad.

But people who rob bakeries really take the cake.

What did the one legged man do at the bank?

Check his balance.

A man walks into a sperm bank with a jar in his hand

"What are you here for today, sir?" the front desk woman asks.

The man explains, "So I was here a couple of days ago and I was asked to bring a sample of my sperm. So I got home and I used both my left hand and right hand. Nothing. I asked my wife for help. She used her left hand and then her...

Guys, wish me luck. I have a meeting at the bank today, and if all goes well, I’ll be out of debt.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask!

What did the robber say after blowing open the bank safe?

Wow this blew up, thanks for the gold!

Got fired today because I fell for a scam asking me to wire a sizable amount of company money to a foreign bank account.

If that hadn't been stupid enough, I also confused the foreign bank account with my own.

A frog goes into a bank

He hops up on the desk of the loan officer.
''Hi,'' he croaks.''What's your name?'

The loan officer says, ''My name is John Paddywack. May I help you?''

''Yeah,'' says the frog. ''I'd like to borrow some money.''

The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form....

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A guy walks into a bank office and says...

"I WANT TO OPEN A FUCKIN BANK ACCOUNT!"

The accounts manager is taken aback and says, "Excuse me, sir! We do not allow that kind of language in here!"

He says, "WHAT'S THE GODDAMN ISSUE, BITCH?! I JUST WANT TO OPEN A FUCKIN BANK ACCOUNT!"

"Sir!" She says and stands up from her d...

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A man walks into a bank

and says to the teller, "I want to open a fucking checking account." The teller is caught off guard by his language and says "Sir, I can help you but this is a place of business and we don't tolerate foul language." The man says "I just need to open a god damn checking account." Frustrated, the tell...

Sperm bank

A man and. woman are chatting in an elevator. "What are you up to today?" he asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20 a pint."
"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100 a tablespoon."
...

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An Irishman walks into a bank

Says to the cashier - "Give me all your money, this is a fuckup!"

"don't you mean a stickup?"

"no, a fuckup - ive forgotten my gun"

England has no kidney bank but...

It does have a Liverpool

What do you call a witch with dwarfism that robs a bank?

A small medium at large

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A Cowboy from Ft. Worth, Texas walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer.

The Cowboy told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the old cowboy handed over...

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A man wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun bursts through the door of a Bank.

"Go to the back and give me everything you've got " the man said.

The woman replies, "Sir, this is a mistake, this is a __sperm__ bank."

"I don't give a shit, you go get me what I told you!"

The woman goes to the back and comes out carrying a tray full of sperm samples.

"...

A woman walks into a bank..

A woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.

The banker asks, “Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?”

The woman says, “Yes, of course. I’ll use my Rolls Royce.”

The banker, stunned, asks, “A $250,000 Rolls Roy...

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

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A little old woman walked into the bank...

A little old woman walked into the Bank.

She was carrying a large bag full of money. She insisted on speaking with the bank manager to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money.”

After a great deal of negotiating, the bank staff decided to humor her and finally ushered her ...

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Two dyslexics decide to rob a bank

They drew up the plans and had everything in order. The day came and they drove to the bank, pulled up in front and put their ski masks on. They got out, burst through the front doors and screamed, "Air in the hands mother stickers, this is a fuck up!"

There's this girl named Patty-Whack who works in a bank.

One day, a little green frog comes in, reminiscent of Kermit the frog. He's carrying a tiny pink elephant in hands, and walks up to Patty-Whack.

"Excuse me miss, I would like to apply for a loan. I won't be able to pay it back, but I can offer you this elephant statue in exchange. It's worth ...

I got fired from the bank

I don’t know why, the people seemed to love me.

Everybody that spoke to me gave me a tip!

Anyone can make $1m a year by simply putting $50m in a bank for the interest. Bit not everyone knows how to earn $50m. I do

Put $2.5b in a bank.

A frog walks into a bank

He goes up to the teller, Patricia Black, and asks to borrow some money.

“I don’t have any info on you,” she says. I’m going to at least see some collateral before we can discuss giving you any money.”

“No problem,” says the frog, who pulls out a small statuette.

“What’s this? ...

All of my family are police marksmen except my grandfather, who was a bank robber.

He died recently, surrounded by his relatives.

(Credit to Milton Jones)

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The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup...

I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."



Edit: Wow. Front page and reddit gold. Thanks everybody. :)



Edit 2: Wow. Reddit silver and more reddit gold. Thanks guys. :)

How does Tyra Banks pick her nose?

From a catalog.

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A man walks into a bank

He walked to a window and saw a pretty woman on the other side and decided to tease her.

Woman: how can I help you today?

Man: I would like to open an account.

Woman: of course, it shouldn't take long at all. Would it be checking or savings?

Man: Checking.

Woman: T...

A frog walks into a bank

He approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's o...

Why are there no toilets in some banks?

Because they don't accept such deposits.

I just checked my bank account balance and I have $10K

the K is silent.

Kermit the frog walks into a bank...

He wants to get a loan and so he speaks to the bank’s loan officer, Mr. Paddywack. Mr. Paddywack asks Kermit how much money he wants to borrow and what is the purpose of the loan. Kermit replies that he needs $5,000 to fix up his lilly pad and to do some other swamp maintenance. Mr. Paddywack is int...

A Frog Walks into A Bank

Patricia (Patty) Mac worked as a loan officer for a bank. One day a frog walks into her office.

“How may I help you” Patricia asked.

The frog replied, “I would like to take out a $20,000 loan”.

“You, a frog, wants a loan”?

“Yes, please”.

Patty runs his credit ...

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A pregnant woman walks into a bank

A pregnant woman who is expecting triplets walks into a bank, while she is in there a robber walks in and shouts for everyone to get down on the ground, the woman is too slow so the man shoots her 3 times and runs away from the scene.

The woman survives, and the doctor told her that in 12 yea...

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The Mystery Bank Robbery

Last Saturday there was a bank robbery but no one saw the face of the robber given that there were at least 100 people there. The robber wasn't wearing any mask either.
Finally, after hours of interrogations they decided to have a look at the CCTV as they didn't believe the fact that no one saw ...

A cop was interviewing a witness to a bank robbery...

Cop: Did you see the robbers?

Witness: Sort of. There were three guys wearing ski masks and an elephant.

Cop: An elephant?!

Witness: Yeah, an elephant.

Cop: Was it an African or Indian elephant?

Witness: I didn't ask where it was from.

Cop: No, Afric...

A robber walks into a bank

He proceeds to take all the money and begins to walk out. Before he leaves he turns to a customer lying on the floor and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

"Yes, sir," says the man, to which the robber shoots him.

He turns to another customer and says, "Did you see me rob this bank?...

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A man walks into a bank

He's accompanied by a broker. The man asks to speak to someone about making a large deposit, so the banker sends him straight to the boss.

"Good morning," says the man, "I'm here to deposit $40,000.

"Well now," says the banker, "how did you acquire such funds? We like to keep a clean n...

How to get into any bank/store etc without getting arrested with this one simple trick

Walk through the front door during business hours.

What do you call a vampire whose car breaks down three miles from a blood bank?

A cab!

A frog walks in to a bank.

He asks for a loan, and the teller, named Patricia wack says no.

He then says “But my father is Mic Jagger!”

Patricia says no again.

He then lays his heart and soul, a marble elephant, down on the table, and asks again. “Can I have a loan?”

Patricia flips over the table a...

NSFW - A masked man bursts into a sperm bank with a gun...

He runs up to the woman working the front desk and screams, "OPEN THE VAULT!"

The woman is frightened and confused, "Sir, this is a sperm bank!"

"OPEN IT!", he yells while waving the gun.

She complies and opens the vault.

"Now take out a sample and drink it!", he demands....

Working in a bank is a very ungrateful job.

A lady asks me to check her balance. I politely said I sure will.

So I push her over, and they have the audacity to fire me!

What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?

Thanks for coming!

A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a buddhist monk on the other side. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?”

The buddhist monk shouts back: “You are on the other side.”

I'm going to open a business with the money I got from my donation to the sperm bank

Now that I've got a little seed money.

A frog walks into a bank

A frog walks into the bank and points at the nearest teller. "You! What's your name?"

"It's Patty," says the teller.

"Last name?"

"Whack. Can I help you?"

"Yeah," the frog says. "My dad is Keith Richards and you're gonna give me a loan. I need $3,000 before I leave to...

I was approved to borrow money, but then the bank found out I want to be a rapper with face tattoos

Now they won't post m'loan.

Do you ever just walk into a room and forget what you were doing?

Bank teller: [eyes wide] uhhhh...

Me: *(scratches head with gun)* Man... I hate when this happens.

I asked a tall handsome fellow at the sperm bank...

"Do you come here often?"

TIL that sperm from sperm banks is expensive.

So I guess I've let a lot of money slip through my fingers over the years.

Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank,

Give a man a bank and he’ll rob the world.

The police were called to a sperm bank yesterday, after the receptionist was reportedly shot in the face

They arrived to a sticky hostage situation

Just found out you can sell sperm to a sperm bank

All these years I've been letting potential income slip through my fingers

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A pregnant woman walks into a bank being robbed,

She tried to call the cops and got shot in the stomach three times. Luckily, all her children were safe.

15 years later, one of her daughters came up to her and said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.

Then, her other daughter walked into th...

If the Czech Republic had a king what kind of bank account would he have?

A Czech King account.

I was shocked when I walked into my bank today and saw Groot there in shirt and tie.

He had just been named branch manager.

If anyone ever figured out my secret 4-digit code, I'd be screwed! They'd have my bank pin #, phone unlock code, front door lock code...

...they'd even know my birth year!

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Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for a $5K loan

The loan officer requested collateral, and the man gave him the keys of the Rolls-Royce. The car was driven into the bank's underground parking and the man was given the $5K.



Two weeks later the man goes to the bank and asks to settle up his loan. The officer tells him "It will be $5...

A frog goes Into a bank

A frog walks into a bank, and approaches the teller. He sees the tellers name tag read Patricia Black and says

"I'd like to take out a loan, Mrs. Black"

"Certainly," says the teller, "how much would that be for?"

"One million dollars." replies the frog. "Don't worry, it's ok, I...

My mother used to work at a sperm bank

but she got fired for drinking on the job.

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A dude walks into a bank...

"Hi, I'd like to open a fucking bank account!"

The lady teller is a bit offended and asks the man to calm down.

"What do you mean calm down? I'm fucking calm!"

"Sir, if you don't stop with the offensive language , I will have to call my manager!"

"What the fuck are you ta...

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A man walks into a bank with a briefcase full of cash...

he wants to open an account and deposit it. he is sent to the bank managers office. he sits down and the bank manager says you have $20,000 cash and have never had an account here before and want to open a new account and deposit all this cash, I have to ask where the money came from. the man res...

Why did the mouse go to the Swiss Bank?

To take out a provolone.

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Dick and Jane are breaking into a bank vault

In the midst of emptying what they can from the vault, Dick says, "You know, I feel like telling you... I'm gay."

Jane says, "Well, I’m so glad you felt you could tell me. But... why now?"

Dick replies, "I feel like this is a safe space."

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My attempt at an original joke: did you hear about the entrepreneur who opened a sperm bank?

He has a lot of spunk.

My piggy bank is empty.

No change there.

A Man walks into a Bank

He's sweating profusely and looks exhausted

He gets in line and after several minutes is even worse for wear. Sweating, Twitching and Scratching

He finally gets up to the teller and begins talking in a broken, mumbling voice.

The branch manager walks over to check on him and ask...

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3 thieves rob a bank

They run and try to hide in a farm

The cops follow them into the farm so they hide inside boxes

One cop comes and while searching sees these boxes so he kicks the first one
“Baack buck b-buck”
“chickens” he says
He kicks the second one “glogloglo “
“Hmm ,a turkey” ...

Me: "When I donate blood I do not extract it. A nurse does it for me. "

Receptionist: "Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way. "

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Japanese Banking Crisis

Uncertainty has hit the Japanese banking industry.


In the past week, Origami bank has folded, Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.


Last week it was announced that Karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song w...

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An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fer...

What do you call it when a Bayern footballer steals from a French bank?

A Franc Robbery

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A dyslexic man walks into a bank to rob it and says:

"air in the hands mothersticker, this is a fuck up".

(A mate told me this one).

If people think banks are the greediest business

They’ve clearly never gone to the movies

An American, Mexican, and Italian robbed a bank...

They escaped with a haul of dollars, pesos, and lira. Back at their hide-out, the American distributed the money in three even shares.

“1000 dollars for me, 1000 pesos for you, 1000 lira for you... 1000 dollars for me, 1000 pesos for you, 1000 lira for you...1000 dollars for me, 1000 pesos fo...

You will never date the cute bank teller you see every week.

She's seen your account balance.

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A Proctologist goes to a bank

to make a withdrawal. The teller observes the man whip out a probe and try to write with it . The teller laughs hysterically, "Sir, you can't write with that!".
The Proctologist looks at the probe, and replies "Well shit, I guess some asshole's got my pen!"

Did you guys hear about that psychic little person who robbed a bank?

He's a small medium at large!

A blonde and brunette rob a bank

A blonde and brunette decide to rob a bank. "So you remember the plan?" the brunette asks. The blonde smiles and nods. "I'll keep the car ready.. Good luck!"

The blonde runs in, mask on, and pistol in one hand. 5 minutes pass and nothing. The brunette glances at her watch nervously. 10...

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A robber tried to rob a bank with a gun

When he got inside he shot a few blanks in the air and shouted "Everyone get on the ground!"

And everyone did, except for one pregnant lady who was too slow.

Bang! Bang! Bang!
The shots rang through the air as the woman was shot thrice in the stomach

The woman was later taken...

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One day, a woman finds herself in an armed robbery at her local bank.

She's pregnant with triplets, and has a hard time getting to the ground then the robbers ask her to get down. In a frenzy, she is shot three times in the stomach, and is rushed to the hospital.



While she's there, the doctors find that the babies are all still okay. But the doctor tell...

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My local sperm bank doesn't take donations by appointment.

It's first cum first serve.

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Man walks into a bank

He steps up to the teller and says...
"I would like to open a fucking checking account"

The teller looks at him and says "I would love to help you sir, but could you please watch your language"?

The man say.
"Listen Bitch, shut your mouth and open a new checking account for me!"<...

An old lady walked into the Bank of America with a huge bag of money.

****Long Post ahead but You will definitely smile at the end! :)****

She told the receptionist that she would like to meet the president of the bank as she wanted to deposit a large sum of money. The receptionist objected but the old lady wouldn’t move, so with no option left she went inside ...

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Square testicles

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.


After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is alwa...

A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller

He sees from her nametag that the woman working at the counter is named 'Patricia Wack'.



"Hello Patricia." the frog says politely. "I'm here today because I'd like to borrow $200,000"



Patricia does a double-take, and looks at the frog incredulously.



"Y...

A man had been in jail for robbing a bank for many years now...

The police still haven't located the stolen money. One day his wife sent a letter to him asking, "I want to plant a garden in the backyard, should I do so?" The man, knowing that every letter sent in and out had been read, wrote back "No don't do it in the backyard, that's where my loot is hidden!...

A frog goes to the bank wanting to take out a loan...

...he goes up to the counter and starts talking to the clerk. Her name tag reads “Patricia Wack” so he says “ Mrs. Wack I would like to take out a line of $10,000.” Mrs. Wack looks at him skeptically and says “I’m going to need your name and account number as well as collateral for the loan.” The f...

I just want to thank my bank for lending me the money for my new house.

I don’t know how I could ever repay you.

Bank robber pulls out gun, points it at the teller

Robber: "Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!"
Cashier (puzzled): "Did you mean to say "or you're HISTORY?"
Robber: "Don't change the subject."

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