A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into a blood bank

The rabbit says : I think I might be a type O.

I got fired from the sperm bank

I can't figure out why, it might have been that every time someone left I said "Thank you for coming"

A frog walks into a bank...

So, one day a frog walked into a bank. He hopped on over to a teller and quickly eyed her name tag: Patricia Waak.

Frog: Good morning, Miss Waak. Such a lovely day outside, isn't it?

*teller just stares at him, because, well, he's a FROG.*

Teller: Uh, yes. Yes it is. How can I h...

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An elderly woman enters the Canadian National Bank with a bag full of money

She insisted she wanted to speak with the president of the National Bank in order to open an account, saying "a lot of money" was to be dealt with.

After some hesitation, the staff escorted the elderly woman to the president's office. The president asked how much money she wanted to deposit i...

Give a man a gun and he'll rob a bank.

Give a man a bank and he'll rob the world.

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

I wonder if the receptionist at the sperm bank ever uses the phrase

“Thanks for coming!”

A man walks into a bank wearing a mask. Everyone freaks out.

“Relax” he says, “I’m just here to rob the place”

A lady walked up to me at a bank and asked me to check her balance

so i pushed her over.

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The nurse at the sperm bank asked me to masturbate in the cup

I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."

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A pregnant woman was walking past the bank one day when she heard three gun shots...

The woman awoke to the sound of small voice cooing as she slowly tried to grasp her surroundings. As she awoke, laying in a hospital bed, in pain and confusion, the doctor explained that she was caught in the crossfire of an active bank robbery and was shot in the stomach 3 times. Miraculously, the...

A man walks into a bank and asks to open a checking account

Bank teller: Do you want a savings account too?

Man: No.

Bank teller: Ok, just checking.

I walk to the sperm bank reception and say: "here it is" as I hand the sample to the receptionist

She responds with "thank you for coming"

A stickman, who robbed a bank, was finally caught after being cornered in an alley. The police told him, “hands in the air!”

The stickman: lol

I went to the bank today and got the cops called on me.

I was the only one not wearing a mask.

A frog goes into a bank

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mic...

What did the Reddit user say after detonating a bomb inside a bank?

Edit: Wow! This blew up and thanks for the Gold kind strangers!!

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Two dyslexics with machine guns run into a bank and yell

Air in the hands
Mother stickers this is a fuck up

What did the bank say to the government

Bank: Hey government. I need money to pay my workers or we're gonna go out of business.

Government: Hey bank. Sure. I remember you from Harvard, how are you doing?

Bank: Doing great, actually! I remember you too. Frat bros for life. Thanks for the cash.

Government: Frat bros for...

a guy with a gun bursts into a bank and screams “a person's regular occupation, profession, or trade. also known as a commercial enterprise.”

the old lady in front of him whispers to the teller, “I’d do whatever he asks. He means business.”

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A man walks into a bank

He goes up to the cashier, and says "hey asswipe, I want to open a fucking account."

"What did you just say?" The teller asks in shock.

"You heard me bitch, I want to open a fucking account in this bloody bank."

"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to stop with the language."
<...

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So it was regular day at the sperm bank...

... when this guy wearing a ski mask barges in with a gun and screams:

"EVERYBODY ON THE GROUND NOW!"

The people do as he says and then the guy turns to the receptionist and points the gun at her. She tries to negotiate with him.

"Please just take the money and leave! You don't ...

Fun fact: there is a bank you can go to get gold without being arrested.

It’s called a riverbank.

Today I was in the bank when two men came in wearing masks...

Everyone felt a huge relief when they told us it's only a bank robbery.

If you attempt to rob a bank

You will have no trouble with food, rent or bills for the next 10 years, regardless of your success.

A frog entered a bank

He hopped up to a teller named Patty Whack and said, "My name is Kermit Jagger, son of Mick Jagger. I'd like to take out a loan of one million dollars. Just take this collateral to the bank president and he'll approve it."

The frog produced a tiny porcelain unicorn. Patty Whack brought the un...

A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”

The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors, but he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect. Luckily, the judge was lenient...

...as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.

People wear masks that cover o my half their faces in the bank and they are “responsible” ...

But I wear a full-face mask in the bank and suddenly I’m “dangerous” and “a criminal”?

The Hypocrisy!

A piece of fruit held up a bank and stole some money!

It was a STROBBERY

Zomato guy entered bank to deliver lunch,

they told him come after lunch time.

A bankrobber walks into a bank...

and yells ''NOBODY MOVE, THIS IS A F*CK UP!''

a surprised teller answers ''Don't you mean a stick up?''

''No, I forgot my gun.''

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Little girl lands position as construction boss.

**A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.**


**The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing ...

I wanted my friend to resume the tv show about a bank robbery.

I guess I wanted him to de-pause-it.

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Joe saw a sexy young exotic girl walking out from a bank, a remote control dropped from her mini skirt.

He picked it up and planed to give it back.

But the girl looked at him, her face turned red and seemed nervous and coy.

Joe understood it all of a sudden...

He smiled obscenely and pressed the button on the remote.

Then the bank exploded.

I was at my bank today and there was just an Asian lady ahead of me, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars

It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!!"

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An exhausted Nurse walks into a bank after an 18 hour shift...

She grabs a deposit slip, walks up to the teller, reaches into her purse, grabs a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.

When she realizes the mistake she looks up at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says *"Well that's just great... some asshole's got my pen!"*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller, “I want to open a fucking checking account.”

The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.”

The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation.

The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. <...

A woman works in a sperm bank. She is taking a bottle of specimen when a man wearing a ski mask and a gun suddenly bursts into the room.

The gunman points the gun at her, and tells her to drink the specimen. The woman is both scared and shocked. Afraid for her life, she opens the bottle and swallows the liquid. The gunman removes his mask, revealing himself to be her husband, and says:
'See, that wasn't so hard, was it?'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank.

Suddenly, armed men storm in and try to rob the bank. A shootout occurs and the woman is hit by bullets several times.

Shortly after, the woman is brought to the hospital and gets emergency surgery. The surgeon is able to remove all bullets except three due to endangerment to the triplets. ...

My father told me, "Work until your bank account look like a phone number."...

My available balance is $9.11.

My bank is really proud of me

According to them, I have an outstanding balance

What did the pizza maker say before robbing a bank?

"I may love making pizza, but I still knead the dough."

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Two bananas are sitting in a river bank...

when a turd floats down the river and yells at the bananas, "Come on in! The water is just fine!"

One banana looks at the other and says, "Do you believe that shit?"

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A masked gunman storms into a sperm bank.

He runs up to the counter, pointing his shotgun at the receptionist there, and shouts, "This is a stick-up!"

The receptionist raises her hands and says, "But sir, I don't think you understand. This isn't a regular bank, this is a sperm bank."

He says, "Don't tell me what I don't unders...

Kermit the Frog went to the bank to request a loan.

The teller, Patty Whack, asked him for references.

"Well, my dad's Mick Jagger," Kermit replied.

Uncertain, Patty then asked him if he had any collatoral.

"Here's something from my shelf", he answered, handing her a small decoration.

Now confused, Patty told him she had t...

I went to the corner shop earlier and now my bank card smells funny!

I think they might have cologned it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the man kicked out of the sperm bank say?

That’s the last time I cum in here!

Inspired by Money Heist: What do you call a bank robbery with no blood spilt?

A stainless steal.

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds.

An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town’s cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back t...

I work at an oppressed sperm bank

But through all odds, we will overcome.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pregnant woman walks into a bank...

While in the bank a group of robbers come in and demanded everyone to hit the ground and the tellers empty the tills. When the lady couldn't get down fast enough one of the robbers panicked and shot her three times in her belly and caused her to collapse. When she woke up hours later she found the r...

A blonde tried to rob a bank

It failed miserably when she tied up the safe and decided to blow the guards.

This morning at the bank, while I was in line, two people with masks entered...there was TOTAL PANIC..

Then they said: “This is a robbery”...and we all calmed down...

TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

so now it’s cool to walk into the bank with gloves and a mask

but when i wanted to do it, it was a felony

Did you hear about the guy who is addicted to having money in the bank?

He really suffers from withdrawals!

I wanted to do some last minute panic buying. Then I checked my bank account.

Now all I can do is panic.

Never rob a bank if you are a furry.

The police will be hot in pursuit, you will be hot in fursuit.

A Frog walks into a bank

And introduces himself to the teller, Patricia Whack. He says “Hello Mrs Whack, my name is Kermit Jagger, I am the son of Mick Jagger who is a friend of the manager at this bank. On behalf of my father, I would like to make a $1 million loan.”

Patricia says “For a loan that large we’ll need s...

Two newspaper bosses are sent into a huge bank vault and find it stacked to the ceiling with piles of 24-karat bars. They can keep them for good, but only if they are able to diffuse a bomb first...

Editor 1: Thanks for the gold.

Editor 2: This blew up.

Did you hear about the bank robbers who managed to evade the police but lost one of their associates from the northern UK?

They got away scot-free

I stopped at the bank today and had them give me 500 fresh dollar bills.

Hey...It's cheaper than buying toilet paper...

Did you hear about those two owls who robbed two separate banks?

They were in cahoots.

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five.

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to ...

Typical! The day I decide to rob a bank

And everyone else had the same idea.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have $100,000,000 in the bank and an 11 inch penis.

In binary.

With everyone being so scared of COVID-19, robbing banks should be easier.

Take it from me, I robbed one yesterday, and I didn’t even have to bring a gun, I just threatened to cough on them.

A robber enters a bank and points a gun at the teller

Robber: Put all the money in the bag or you’re Geography!

Teller: Don’t you mean History?

Robber: Don’t change the subject!

England doesn't have a kidney bank...

But they do have a Liverpool

So a guy walks into a bank in Manhattan and asks for the loan officer

The loan officer comes over immediately.

“How can I help you, sir?” he asks.

“I’m going out of town on business for two weeks and need to borrow $5,000,” the man answers.

The loan officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan.

So, the man ho...

"Thank you for the glass of milk earlier", I said to the sperm bank employee.

"What glass of milk?", he replied.

Me: The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk.

"Oh my god!"

Me: What?

"That was my glass of milk."

I went to a bank office...

2019: I went to a bank office wearing a mask. The security kicked me out, suspecting that I am a robber.

2020: I went to a bank office not wearing a mask. The security kicked me out, suspecting that I am a robber.

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A rich woman and a bank director.

So a woman walks into the bank looking to deposit her money, 2 000 000 dollars. The agent in the bank says he can't help her because it's too much money, so she needs to talk to the bank director, and she does.

Entering his office, he can't help it but to ask where the money is from. And he g...

A nervous-looking man walks into a Swiss bank, clutching a suitcase

He walks up to one of the tellers, his face damp, and says, in a low whisper:

"Hello, I'd like to deposit one million dollars... in cash."

The teller leans forward and smiles in a friendly way, and replies, in a normal tone of voice:

"You don't need to whisper here. In Switzerla...

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A little old lady walked into the Bank of Canada

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because "it’s a lot of money." After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president’s office. The ...

Did you hear about the bilateral amputee who robbed a bank?

Police say he’s no longer armed, but he’s still on the run.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As I walked up to the bank I noticed a fat, drunken old bum slumped beside the door. On my way out he asked me, “Any change?”

“No, you’re still fat and drunk.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hungry fish spots a fly sitting on the bank of the river.

The fish really wants the fly to come closer to the edge of the water, so he can jump up and eat him.

Meanwhile, there's a fisherman a few feet downstream. He sitting on a little stool, eating a cheese sandwich, and wishing that the fly would drop down about 4 inches so the fish would catch a...

A virus comes to a bank to get a loan. "Are you employed?" asks the bank assistant.

"No," replies the virus, "I'm contracted."

I arrived at the sperm bank, but there's nobody here

I think I came too early

three times...

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when Sam says to Becky, “Becky, I was wondering if you’ve ever cheated on me?”

Becky replies, “Oh, Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question...”

“Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please...

In the current climate you can walk in any shop that's still open with a mask on maybe even a bank and nobody will even bat an eyelid

Until they see the gun anyway

Yesterday two guys with facemasks enter the bank I work at.

Thankfully it was just a regular robbery.

The bank robber

A hooded robber burst into a Kansas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave Kansas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealingthe robbers face.

The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.

He then looke...

A naked woman robbed a bank

Nobody could remember her face

A chemist robbed a bank and got away.

Maybe if the guards had scandium before he left, the money would have benzene.

A man lives on the banks of an Egyptian river

A man lives along the banks of an Egyptian river. Every year the river floods, yet the man remains certain that the river will not destroy his house. One year, the people in his settlement try to persuade him to evacuate, as the floods of that year were vicious. The man did not listen, thinking he w...

What kind of bank can you make a deposit at and leave with more cash than you went in with?

A sperm bank

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Financial collapse in Japan

Origami Bank has folded.


Sumo Bank has gone belly up.


Bonsai Bank has had to cut back some of its branches.


Karaoke Bank has been put up for sale and is going for a song.


There's something fishy going on at Sushi Bank...shareholders are afraid they...

Bank Robber : Wherr is the safe?

Teller :

Bank Robber : WTF. Where is the safe?

Teller :

Penn : He always does this.

A guy tries to rob a bank

A guy walks into a sperm bank with a mask and a gun and shouts "Everyone on the floor, now! Anyone who moves gets shot full of lead!"

He walks to the terrified receptionist and tells her to fill a bag with all the money they got.

"Buy sir," she says, "this is a sperm bank. We don't kee...

A blonde, brunette, and redhead just robbed a bank.

They see the police cars are approaching so they escape to the back alleyway. There they discovered 3 big sacks. One sack full of kittens, one full of puppies, and the last one full of potatoes. They each get into a sack, hoping the cops won't notice them. A police officer checks the alley and sees ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old woman walks into a bank and demands to meet the manager.

10 minutes later she is in the managers office.
She shows him several cases full of money and says " I want to deposit this into the bank"

Wary, the manager inquires " may i ask where you got that money from".
To which she replied" these are my gambling winnings".

To prove it s...

My bank recently called me to let me know I had an outstanding balance

I replied "Thank you, I used to do gymnastics" and hung up the phone.

That was nice of them to say.

I was arrested at the bank for indecent exposure

It wasn't my fault though. I was having trouble swiping my card through the machine and the teller said, "strip down facing me"

Why did the medieval bank teller get fired?

He gave them no quarter

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch...

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble..

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving with $600, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to bu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the sperm bank today

I have a fetish for any sperm donated by a man called Ben, so I set off to find some.

The only sample I could find that matched my needs cost an extortionate 1 grand.

I guess that's just the price for Benedict's Cum Per Batch

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A masked man enters a sperm bank with a gun.

He points the gun at the woman behind the desk. Shivering in fear she says, "take anything you want!"

"Open that cup of semen."

The woman looks over at a tray of recent sperm samples with a disgusted look on her face.

He yells, "Do it!"

Shivering in fear she grabs the co...

A deer was caught trying to rob a bank

He had to pay a couple thousand bucks

A man walks into a sperm bank.

When he walks in, the receptionist thought he recognized the man, so he asks:

"Hey, you come here often?"

A single guy was living with his elderly father and running the family business. He realized he was going to inherit a fortune once his ailing father died and decided he needed a wife to share his life...

One day at the bank, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen and made his move.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy." he said to her. "But in a few years, my father will die and I'll inherit 10 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card.

A ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to a bank and asks to deposit $5,000 into his account.

The next day, he comes back and deposits $10,000.
The next day, he comes back and deposits $7,500. As he walks out, the banker asks him how he gets so much money in a day.
The man walks up to him and whispers, “I make bets with people.”
The banker tells him, “How do you make so much?”
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes into the bank, walks up to the teller and says, "Hiya Toots, I wanna make a fuckin' deposit over here."

The teller is a little taken aback by the customer's language, but does her best to be professional.

"Sir, I'm more than happy to help with that, but I'm going to need to ask you to mind your language while we conduct our business."

"Whoa, Lady, take it easy," the man says, "I just ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two blonde guys decided to rob a bank

They surrendered everyone and we went straight to a safe box. The first blonde broke into the first one and said: - Dude, come here, this safe has no money! It's full of yogurt! - Man, it's just the same ... Well, that yogurt must be very good to keep in the bank vault. Let's eat everything! After e...

Cows & politics

***SOCIALISM***

You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour.

***COMMUNISM***

You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

***FASCISM***

You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

***BUREAUCRATISM***

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do guns and orgasms have in common?

They're both pretty cool but if you have either in a bank you're going to jail.

I need everyone to wish me luck. I've got a meeting at the bank in a few minutes, and if all goes well, I will finally become debt free.

I'm so excited, I can barely get my ski mask on.

Why do banks hate hot, single women?

Because they are alone with no interest.

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