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A recent study shows that masturbation is twice as effective as sex when it comes to stress relief.

One in hand is worth two in the bush.

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A friend of mine was killed last night. I came here for some relief from the grief and you all helped me so I thought I'd share my favorite joke.

It's important that you use a southern accent in your mind ;)



Jim Bob and John Boy were sittin on their front porch watching their beans grow. On the road at the edge of their property they see a Volkswagen sputter to a stop. They head out to it and see a pretty woman looking at the e...

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I got this new pain relief ointment.

The directions said to apply liberally so I started bitching about Trump while rubbing it on my pussy.

I'm not looking for the #1 constipation relief medicine in the market.

A #2 would do.

Pilot: *over intercom* we’re all gonna die!

Passengers: *start freaking out*

Pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when!

Passengers: *sigh with relief*

Pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit this mountain!!

Tomorrow is Irish constipation relief day

May the third be with you!

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A girl and guy are laying in bed after sex

She turns to him and says,

"Babe I need to tell you something, I used to be a Christian."

He said:
"That doesn't bother me any!"

She responded:
"That's a relief, I much prefer being a Christine."

I breathed a sigh of relief when I typed the letter "y"...

...when I had to type "analytics" into the search bar during a presentation at work.

A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church.

On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly.

"This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats...

A man was walking home from work..

When he was 3 blocks away from his house, he hears from behind him....
Bump.......Bump........Bump.....,,,.

He turns around but can’t see anything. He starts running.

The sound gets louder. He looks back and sees a casket jumping and coming after him.

He gets scared and runs ...

The lookout

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of...

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

A charity single has been released in aid of Pakistan flood relief...

Raindrops keep falling on Ahmed.

A grumpy old man and his wife . . .

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for abou...

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What starts with “f” and ends with “k”?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”
Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd gra...

A man wanted to train a horse.

He was a very religious man so he decided that he would train the horse so that it would speed up when he said “praise the lord” and come to a complete stop when he said “hallelujah.” After a few months, he was able to train the horse to do this.

One day, he was riding the horse and it got s...

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A man walks into the doctor's with an awful rash on his penis

The doctor asks if the man had been overseas recently, to which the answer was yes (he had just returned from a holiday in Asia).

The Doctor says "I'm sorry to tell you that you have Hong Kong Dong and your penis needs to be removed."

The man was shocked and extremely upset.
He left...

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Tom's scrotum

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise.

Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pai...

Psychic Daughter

Bill is putting his young daughter to bed one night and as he walks out the bedroom door he hears her saying her prayers. She says, "God bless mommy, daddy, and grandma, rest in peace grandpa."

Bill rushes back into her bedroom and asks her, "Why did you say the last part?" His daughter repli...

A farmer is being interviewed on TV about his prize-winning cows.

The interviewer asks, "So tell us, what are you feeding these cows?"

"The black ones or the white ones?" the farmer replies.

"Uh... the black ones."

"Oh," says the farmer, "I feed them grass."

"Ok then, what about the white ones?"

"I feed them grass, too" the farme...

Saw a good one earlier and got inspired to do something similar

I'll give it try. Since this is my first ever post on this sub, I hope you guys let me down easy.


One day, Larry walked past a TV store. On the screen of the fattest flat-screen TV, a national news-broadcast was running a story about an object from outer space on a collision course with E...

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I realised today that as a straight male in my mid twenties, having been single for multiple years and surrounded myself with other men, I'd never taken the opportunity to take part in the tossing and rolling they did together behind closed doors. My older neighbor told me about it in 2nd grade and

I was fascinated by how far it broke from the concepts of "normalcy" I had been brought up with. He said they'd go for hours exploring with eachother, never leaving the room. Sometimes in middle school I'd walk by a class in the hall and hear a group of them grunting and huffing, occasionally lettin...

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The empress was stressed.

The empress was stressed. Her servant suggested that maybe she could use a little sexual relief. Agreeing to the plan she sent the servant into the city to fetch her a suitable man. The servant returned with three men.

First man stepped forward. "Beneath me," the empress scoffef.

Secon...

A man is walking at night in Belfast in the 70's...

He's nervous, but his hotel is only a few blocks away.

Unfortunately, as he passes a dark alley, he's grabbed. He feels a knife at his throat, and a voice asks

"Catholic or Protestant?"

Sweating cold sweat, his mind is racing. If he says "Catholic" and the attacker is Protestan...

Last night I rode my bike to a bar here in town

and I had a few beers, followed by a few bourbons and a number of shots.....
I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before, I locked up my bike in a secure place, and I took a cab home.
Sure enough, there was a police check point ...

One day, a farmer heard a loud crash from the road outside his home.

He ran out to investigate, and is surprised to see a young boy looking dazed next to a cart carrying a load of fruits. A wheel had fallen off, causing it to crash. The farmer ran out to help the boy. "Boy," He asked. "Are you alright?" The boy nodded, and the farmer sighed in relief. "That's good. ...

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So, there's these two tomatoes who are best friends ...

Ever since they grew up on the vine together, they've been inseparable. They played little league together, they had home room together all through high school, they even double dated to prom and shared a limo. As time went on, though, they slowly lost touch. During university they slowly lost touch...

Death penalty in Texas has a ticket line

The teller calls out for number 6. The inmate nervously steps up to the counter. The teller says, "It isn't your turn. You have number 9," and the inmate sighs with relief.



He thought his number was up.

The pain transformer

A pregnant couple arrived to the hospital after the woman started to feel contractions.

Seeing the woman's pain, the doctor offered a new treatment: A pain transformer which after applying it, the pain will pass (some percentage of it) to the father.

The father, who wanted best for his...

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James is suffering from severe headaches. [Long]

For as long as he can remember, he's had debilitating headaches that have hampered his life in every way. He finally seeks medical help. After some tests, the doctor returns:

"James, I don't know quite how to say this. It seems your testicles are pressing against the base of your spine, pi...

A middle-class white woman goes to a beach, pulls out a mug and fills it with sea water.

She takes a large swig and sighs with relief as she gulps. A nearby beach-goer sees this.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm drinking tea," replied the woman.

"Tea?"

"Yes, tea."

"That's not tea!" said the beach-goer.

"I think you'll find that this is the strongest t...

The Poor Snake Named Nate

So... Nate the Snake was the king of the jungle, by virtue of his
immense size. Nate was the size of a freight train, and had a similar outlook on life. He ruled largely through terror and intimidation.


One day Nate the Snake was rumbling through the jungle, as was his own. Whenev...

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An accountant found guilty of embezzlement was thrown into a cell with a large, hairy intimidating man

The small accountant had heard stories about how he was going to become the victim in this rough prison to which he had been sentenced. He looked up at the very hairy, sweaty, cell mate and slightly trembled.

The accountant was slightly heartened when the hulking man before him asked, "So, do...

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Old man goes to the doctor...

An older gentleman goes to the doctor and tells him he has erectile dysfunction. The doc scratches his chin, and then snaps his fingers.

"I've got just the thing for you! This is a new medicine; just cleared clinical trials. You'll feel like you're twenty again!"

"Anything to get me ba...

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A man walks into an elevator and asks the woman beside him "Can I smell your vagina?"

"No!" She replies. The man sighs with relief "Oh. Then it must be your feet"

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A Valentine’s Day story

A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat. The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while ...

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A man works at the Branston Pickle factory, and comes home at lunch time one day.

His wife asks, "why are you home so early?"

To which he replies, "I got fired. I got caught putting my willy in the pickle slicer."

The wife thinks this is absolutely obscene and horrible - so she immediately pulls his pants down and whips out his cock. It's fine. She sighs a sigh of r...

What do you say when you find out Earth isn’t flat?

That’s a relief.

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On Top of The Toilet - The_Merciless_Potato

A crappy feeling's comin' over me

There is defecation in 'most everything I see

Not a toilet in sight, ate a taco and some fries

And I won't be surprised if it's a stream



Every worst food-combo in the world

Is now coming true especially inside me

And...

Nighttime Prayers

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."



The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?"... The little girl said, "I don't know dad...

A cowboy is riding his horse in a small town and decides to stop at a bar to go to the toilet

The cowboy gets off his horse and ties it to a pole right outside the establishment. He proceeds to walk into the bar and, right after entering, he smashes the floor with his foot three times. Everybody stops making noise and look at him attentively.

"Gentlemen," he says, "my horse is right o...

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So this farmhand from a very small and remote town decides it would be good to go and learn soms modern skills on a big, modern farm...

He was raised in a very basic manner and a lot of modern things like microwaves, refrigerators etc. were new to him.
When he found a big modern farm he moved there and installed himself in his room. This room was so much better than his old room back home.... He even had his own shower.
Eve...

Peter wanted to renovate his house ...

He knocked everything old down and tore off the wallpapers. With the house being full of nooks and crannies, he was struggling to calculate what amount of new wallpapers to buy.

Luckily he heard his neighbour Jimmy coming home and asked him how many rolls he bought, when he was rapapering his...

A cowboy's horse died on his way to town...

As he was walking down the dusty trail, he happened across a ranch. With a renewed sense of hope, he asked the stable keeper if he had any horses for sale.

"Sorry, I've fallen on hard times myself. I had to sell all of my horses!"

The cowboy noticed a rather strange-looking horse stand...

The longest joke of all time

It is a dark and stormy night. A man, let's call him Markus, has been driving on a treacherous mountain road, when his car breaks down. He steps out of his car and opens the hood, hoping to find the source of the problem, but to no avail. Not wanting to sleep in his car, he decides to hike up the re...

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A guy is lying in his hospital bed

He is wired up with drips and monitors, breathing with the aid of an oxygen mask. A young lady comes round the ward with the tea and newspaper trolley. Approaching him she asks if there is anything she can do for him. The guy looks at her and asks "Are my testicles black?"


"I’m sorr...

Last night I rode my bike to the store and they had my favorite whiskey on sale!

I had to ride my bike home with the bottle in my jacket. On the way back I hit a pot hole, fell down and immediately felt some wetness under my jacket. You can imagine my relief when I realized it was just blood!

C3PO, Luke Skywalker, and Han Solo are taken prisoner on an alien planet

The Millennium Falcon had to make an emergency stop on an uncharted planet. The trio is greeted by a hostile alien race and placed in a horrendous prison.

After some time they are taken in the night to some kind of tribunal where they are told that all outsiders are regarded as evil demons an...

A burglar is breaking into a house at night.

A burglar is breaking into a house at night.

He pries the window open, gets out his duffel bag to start looting, and he suddenly hears:

"Jesus is watching."

The burglar stops in his tracks and turns quickly thinking someone was home and he was found. But he saw nothing, and just...

A visit to my gynaecologist

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctors office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am.

The ...

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A man has been getting chronic headaches...

...and after seeing specialist after specialist, one finally determines that the cause comes from his testicles being compressed. Unfortunately, the specialist tells him that the only solution at this time is to remove his testicles, or else he'll just continue having horrible headaches.

The ...

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Three best friends have known eachother since high school...

They ended up going to the same college together, and getting a job at the same factory together. Bill, Jacob, and Mark were always known to hangout together, they were inseparable.

One day, the factory catches on fire, and once all of the factory workers regroup, they do accountability. Two...

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Me and my girlfriend were on the phone when the call suddenly cut out

I called her back and asked her if she was okay.
She said "Yeah, I'm fine. My call disconnected."


I said "that's a relief, I thought R.Kelly walked in and caught you on the phone."

Now she's pissed

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Two Blind Nuns

Two blind nuns are in a church, painting the walls white. One nun says to the other, "Hey, we should do this naked so we don't get our clothes dirty." The other nun agrees. Both nuns strip naked, and toss their clothes aside.

Half an hour goes by, and a sudden knock comes from the front door...

Guy walks into a bar

Grabs a seat and orders a whiskey double, neat. The bartender prepares his drink with great delicacy and brings it right over. The gentleman reaches into his blazer searching frantically. This catches the bartenders attention so he monitors the patron out the corner of his eye. Finally the man finds...

A woman is pregnant with twins when she gets into a car accident.

She wakes up in the hospital and the doctor says her twins have already been delivered, a boy and a girl. But since she wasn't around to name them, they had to ask her brother to give them legal names.

The woman was worried, because her brother was a bit of an idiot. "What did he name them?" ...

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A guy walks into a bar with a monkey

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey and has a seat.

The bartender asks, "What're ya having?" but before the man can answer, the monkey jumps on the bar and scatters food and drinks everywhere before hopping over to the pool table and swallowing a cue ball whole.

"Sorry man, he hasn't ...

My car broke down on the side of the road at night. Just my luck, some shady hoodlums approached my vehicle after only a few minutes...

What a relief, they totally jumped me!

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College pregnancy

A college girls rushes to the hospital. Her water has just broke and she is now in labour. As she begins to push, the doctor asks if the father should be present. She answers “I’m not really sure who the father is. You see, I was having a hard time paying for my college tuition. To make some quick c...

Twas the night 2018

Twas the night 2018

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the web
The president was tweeting as the market went red
The government was closed because of a wall
In hopes that Mexico, would pay for it all

The people were nestled, their head in their hands
While visi...

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The Trained Camel (Long)

A businessman was leaving a little town in the deserts of Africa but didn't want to walk to the Cairo where the airport was. He wandered around trying to figure out what to do when he came across a camel salesman. He said "I'd like to buy a camel please to take me to Cairo."


The sa...

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A man dies and goes to hell.

"Don't be scared," said Satan as he led the man around the place.

"We have Music Mondays for you to jam, Tipsy Tuesdays to get drunk, Weed Wednesdays to get high, Thanksgivings Thursdays to eat good ol' delicious stuffed Turkey, Funny Fridays for some comedic relief, as well as Smart Saturday...

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First Day in the Navy

It was a young man’s first day on assignment in the Navy, and he was getting toured around the ship, his new home. His supervisor was rattling through his spiel,

“Here’s the bow, here’s the stern, mess hall, sleeping quarters, blah blah blah”,

The young guy says,

“great great,...

A Keen Indian Immigrant Applied for a Salesman's Job

A keen Indian immigrant applied for a salesman's job at London's premier downtown department store. In fact, it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.



The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"



"Yes sir, I was a salesman in I...

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A teacher asks children to name some drug names...

...
Sally stands up and says ”Paracetamol, its for pain relief”

Julie stands up and says “Aspirin , it helps you focus”

Jimmy stands up and says “viagra”!

The teacher replies saying “Jimmy, how do you know that? What does that drug do?”

Jimmy replies “ Viagra is for di...

A man’s wife is in labor and they rush to the hospital around midday.

When they get there, the doctors inform the Man that they have experimental machines to wirelessly transfer some of the pain of childbirth to the father of the child.

Then man, being a tough guy, agrees to bear some of the burden for his wife.

They start at the lowest setting of 1% b...

Dave (Rich) and his friends were having a reunion...

And it was a glamorous party! It had cake, fruitpunch, pizza, everything you could imagine!

They all fell asleep that night feeling good. Once they were in bed, Dave and a friend of his walked out of the room. They were kidnapped, and shipped away to some dangerous tribal island.

"What...

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A man inherited a massive sum of money from his great aunt, but it came with a catch...

As part of the terms of the inheritance, he was required to care for her cherished grey parrot. The executor told him if anything should happen to the bird, or if he ever chose not to take care of it, he would have to forfeit the inheritance and estate.

At first, this seemed simple enough, bu...

Two cars crash on the road...

One of the angry drivers gets out of his car and jumps on the other.

-Luk wat hav u don. I brok ma vary expansive artifisal jaw on the stiring whale.

-Relax dude,

said the other driver,

-I have a solution for your problem in this box.

He opened a box full of jaws a...

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Three men are waiting to see the doctor...

...and as they wait, they begin to reveal to each other why they are seeking medical attention.

The first man reveals:

‘Gentlemen, when I go to the toilet, I can’t do number 1. I’ve sat, I’ve stood, I’ve whistled, I’ve hummed, and all in vain. My balls (since pee is stored therein) ar...

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an irish girl confesses shes a prostitute to her father

at first he gets stupid angry starts yelling at her, how could she betray him, calls her all kinds of names including soup taker. She looks confused at this and asks her father to accompany her to confession. Her dad stares at her for a moment and then he hugs her, crying tears of relief. The he say...

Three Bedoins are arguing over a will...

Three brothers are told that their father had left one half of his property to his eldest son, one third to the second, and one sixth to the third.

All was going well until they go to their father's camels. Their father left 19 camels, which doesn't divide by 2,3 or 6. They argued and argued ...

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A walk on the beach

On my first (and so far only) visit to Hawaii, I was staying at a beautiful little cottage outside Hilo. There's a neat little place called Uncle's Awa Club, where they hold a farmer's market, live music, food of all kinds... Right in the lava zone, very remote.

I'd read about one of the boot...

What do you call being fired from a candy shop?

Sweet relief

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There was a gentleman waiting to use the restroom...

...in a classy establishment, but the occupant was taking his time.



A lady noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir", she said, "the ladies restroom is unoccupied. You may use it if you promise not to touch any of the...

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Three men are at the pearly white gates of heaven and are greeted by St. Peter

Three men are at the pearly white gates of heaven and are greeted by St. Peter.
Regretfully, st . Peter says that heaven is full and as a result he can only choose one of them.
“Tell me about how you died and I will decide who shall go forth” he said.

The first man steps forward and say...

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Jim, the foul mouthed 1st grader.

Jim's a special boy. His teacher knows he's had it rough and understands why he's a disruptive and crude child yet she avoids calling on him when his hand is raised; he's got a terribly foul mouth.

While reviewing the alphabet, the teacher was asking the students for names of animals with co...

Four high school kids who carpooled together decided to skip school and spend the day fishing.

The next day they told the teacher that they had had a flat tire, and couldn't make it to class.

Much to their relief, she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a pop quiz yesterday, so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper." Still smiling, she waited for them to sit d...

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A dwarf is sent to prison for securities fraud

One night he is able to slip under the fence and escape. He runs into the woods for as long as he can, and decides to hide in a tree, in case the guards come to track him down. After some time he falls asleep, being exhausted from running so far. He dreams of freedom and spending his hidden fortune....

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[NSFW] A man goes to see the doctor

He approaches the receptionist and asks her:

"Is your work covered by my insurance"

The receptionist checks the paperwork and tells him:
"Oh yea sir. Your insurance will cover this. No problem"

He is seated in the waiting room and waits until the receptionist asks him to co...

A husband and his wife were always fighting each other.

When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The woman would shout - 'When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life..'

Neighbours feared her and the woman liked the fact that she was ...

A pregnant woman afraid of giving birth asks her doctor for a solution

Long but one my dad told me 10+ years ago.

A woman and her husband go and talk to their doctor about her fears of child birth. She says she is far too afraid of the pain and worries that she will not be able to endure it, she asks the doctor if there is anything at all that might lower the p...

Beads of sweat were running down her cleavage. Her breathing was hot and heavy.

She moaned as she gained momentum by rocking her hips harder and harder, preparing for the final climactic effort she knew was coming soon. Then, in one final full-body thrust, it was all over, and she breathed a deep sigh of relief and satisfaction. It's always a struggle when the wife gets up off ...

My wife left for a business trip one morning.

And later that day our dog died. That evening, she called and asked how everything was and I told her, "The dog died!"

 

Crying into the phone she sobbed, "You could've broken the news to me gently!"

 

I asked her, "What should I have told you instead?"<...

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Heaven was running out of spots for new souls

So St. Peter was instructed by God to only let in people, who, apart from having lived honorable lives, had also suffered a terribly traumatic last moment, and needed consolation for that.

The next day, St. Peter went to his place at the front gates of Heaven, and three men were there, waitin...

Signs of aging, from a lady

After finishing a meeting I left the hotel and headed to the parking lot. After failing to find my car keys in my handbag and pockets, I started to panic. I headed back to the conference room and still couldn't find the keys.

I suddenly realized that I must have left them in the car. This has...

I said to the wife 'I've got a problem.

' She replied 'No, we have a problem, we're a couple, we're married, were a unit, your problem is my problem were in this together.'

Overwhelmed with relief I said 'its hardly worth mentioning now.'

But she was insistent on knowing, 'what's is the problem?'

I then had to expl...

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A couple have four children.

The first three have ginger hair and green eyes, while the youngest has brown hair and eyes. On his death bed, the husband says to his wife, “Be honest with me: is our youngest child truly mine?” His wife looks him in the eye and says a firm “Yes.” The man breathes a sigh of relief and passes away. ...

An old man goes to the doctor for a checkup

An old man goes to the doctor for a checkup. Doctor says, “Okay I’ve got bad news and really bad news.” Old man: “Well, okay. what’s the really bad news?” “You’ve got cancer. It’s extremely aggressive and I’m giving you two weeks to live.” “Oh god....what’s the bad news?” “You’ve got Alzheimer’s dis...

Jim had a pregnant wife who was soon to give birth.

One day, he’s on his way home from work, when he gets the call that his wife has gone into labour. In a panic, he races to get to the hospital, but swerves his car and crashes into the ditch. When he wakes up, he finds himself in the hospital, with his brother Jack, an irascible practical joker, l...

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating a bowl of peanuts.

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating a bowl of peanuts. Every now and then he would toss a peanut in the air and catch it in his mouth. Just as he was in mid-toss his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried to dig it out but in his...

A plane with a Redditor on it goes down in the middle of the wilderness.

As he scrambles out of the wrecked plane, anxiety sets in. He is completely lost and has no idea where he is.



Thinking fast, he takes a picture of his unfamiliar surroundings and uploads it to r/jokes. Refreshing the page, he sees his post and lets out a sigh of relief.


<...

Did you hear about the mathmatician's wife?

It all started when they got married. She sat down on the couch every single day, and screamed at him for not cleaning the house, doing the laundry, or washing the dishes while she was watching TV.

Of course, such a static lifestyle only makes you less healthy. So after a while, she grew fatt...

A completely drunk man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter

A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?""Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the cop. "Let's go."Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple."

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Jason came home from the pub late one Friday evening...

... stinking drunk (as he often did) and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
“Who the hell are you?” Demanded J...

Jesus is watching.

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty.

He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks
when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

"Jesus is watc...

The farmer's nagging wife

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.

From morning til night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something.

The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out p...

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[Adult] An accountant is sent to prison for tax fraud...

As soon as he is escorted to his cell he is confronted by his new cellmate - 6'3" tall, 280 lbs of muscles... the skinny little accountant realizes all of his fears have come true. His new cellmate towers over him and says "Looks like you and me are gonna be here a long time... wouldn't you agree, b...

One night, a boy dreamt that his grandmother was about to die.

When morning came and the boy woke up, he told his father about the dream he had. The father paid no mind to the dream until later that day when, as the clock struck midnight, the father received a call from his own father, informing him of his mother's heart attack and subsequent death.

A mo...

The Christian Horse (long)

A man who owned a farm was looking to buy a horse. Wanting to get one for relatively cheap, the man began looking on Craigslist, and soon found a really inexpensive horse only a few miles away from him.

When he arrived, he was astonished by the horse. It looked noble and strong, like out of ...

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A nun in sunday school asks a girl what she wants to be when she grows up

"A prostitute!" she says.

The nun is appalled.

"young lady, WHAT did you say?!"

the girl replies "A prostitute".

the nun lets out a sigh of relief

"oh thank goodness, I thought you said 'protestant"!

A man walks down the street when suddenly he hears a tiny voice above him saying:

A man walks down the street when suddenly he hears a tiny voice above him saying: "If you make one more step, a brick will land on your head and kill you."

Surprised, the man stops just as a huge brick crashes down right in front of him.

Stunned, he continues on his way, and after a...

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Cinderella is late for the ball when her period comes.

To her great relief, her fairy godmother is able to fashion a magic tampon out of a pumpkin. But she warns her, “you MUST be home before midnight, or it will turn right back!”

Midnight comes and goes, and the fairy godmother goes from angry to terribly worried. At 5 am Cinderella shows up, sm...

"Jesus is watching you!"

A thief breaks into a house at around 3 AM. As he's walking about in the house with his flashlight, he hears a voice whisper,

*"Jesus is watching you!"*

Startled, he points his flashlight towards the source of the voice. In the corner of the room, there's a birdcage with a parrot in it...

Senior citizen

I went to my nearby Pharmacy, straight to the back, where the Pharmacists' high counter is located.

I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter.

The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me.

I said, "Yes! Could you ...

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There was a guy who was having chronic trouble getting an erection.

After weeks of frustration, he finally decides he is going to go see a doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and eventually makes the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says.

"The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deterioratin...

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