What gets easier to pick up as it gets heavier?

Women

Quitting drinking's been a lot easier ever since I became friends with the Antichrist

Hard to get buzzed someone turns all your wine into water...

How do you make easter easier?

You uncross the t and dot it instead.

Everyone knows about Darth Vader, but very few people talk about his wife.

Ella wasn’t great at conquering planets but she did make it easier to navigate the Death Star.

Wife: I have a bag full of clothes I'd like to donate. Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash? It's much easier. Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use the clothes

Husband: Honey, anyone who fits in your clothes is not starving.

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

I used to be a boxer.

I wasn't very good though. I knew it was time to retire when my trainer had handles sewn into my shorts to make it easier to carry me out of the ring.

I started babysitting to make some extra cash and it’s a lot easier than I thought it was gonna be...

I’ve been sitting on this baby for the last hour and a half and it hasn’t made a sound.

I think hanging people is a poor choice of professions for an executioner. Better to be the guy with an axe.

Because, with the axe, it’s easier to get ahead...

Women are lean at marriage, making it easier to carry them across treshold.

Then we get heavier so men can't get us out of the house. xD

The medium is the massage...

Last year, I wrote a book on penguins. In retrospect, paper would have been much easier.

If only there was an easier way

Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig.


When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol'mate, how
are we going to tell who owns which Fookin' Pig?"


Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my Fookin Pig, a...

What's easier to get from Trump than a stimulus check?

A pardon.

A woman from[Insert trashy town name here] goes to the local social security office

The registrar asks her a few background questions.

How many kids do you have? I have 8 boys, she says
Ok - what’s the name of the first one? John, she says
Ok - what’s the name of the second one? John, she says
The registrar says - they are both named John? Yes - she replies.
Ok ...

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A Catholic priest, a Buddhist Monk and an Atheist walk into a bar

After they put in their orders, the three strike up a conversation about what they believe awaits them in the afterlife.

The priest says, "I try to live my life according to God's word, so that I may go to the good Lord in heaven and live in paradise for all of eternity. I do not curse, I for...

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It’s easy to tell how big a woman’s breasts are, but now it’s even easier to see the biggest dick

They’re the one not wearing a mask

After a very successful heist, a thief treats his two close friends to a sumptuous meal at a fancy restaurant.

Friend A: "You've walked away with millions?? By stealing from a printer company? How on earth did you pull that off??!"

Friend B: "You must've had to drive out an entire truckload of printers to make that much!"

Thief: "It was actually a lot easier than that. I just walked out with al...

Everything in the world is easier said than done

Unless you have a speech impediment.

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A politician, drug dealer, beekeeper, priest, doctor, lawyer, accountant, engineer, prostitute, programmer, nurse, chef, forensic analyst, biologist, truck driver and a writer walk into a bar

It is a big bar. Very big one. And empty, or at least it was empty until this large group of people entered it.

They all form a queue in front of the bar and order drinks one by one. The politician gets a Heineken, the drug dealer orders a Budweiser, the beekeeper gets a mead, the priest buy...

I told my dad recently "life would be a whole lot easier if you just pulled out"

He replied "I think I tried!"

Two Minnesota hunters travelled south to Iowa, one winter, to hunt deer.

After tracking a big stag for miles they finally get it in their sites and take it down.

As they struggled dragging the dead animal across the snowy, open fields, back to their pickup, they were stopped by a DNR officer and he asked to see their hunting licenses and stamps.

Assured...

I heard beauty pageant contestants use Vaseline to make it easier to smile.

I ate the whole jar and I’m still not happy.

My friend refuses to believe that working with decimals is easier than working with fractions.

He is missing the point.

Dating is much easier since the lock down started.

Zero effort.

How do you make Easter easier in just one simple step?

Replace the T with an I.

An atheist decides he was to be Jewish...

An atheist is inspired by the Jewish philosophy and approach to religion, how it's built around questioning and responding with more and deeper questions. He's not sold on the God stuff, but decides he can look past that if it means getting to engage with a thoughtful, inquisitive community.

...

Looking back at all my mistakes next year will be easier....

Hindsight = 2020

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While struggling to put on the condom, I whispered some words of encouragement to myself.

"Hey," intervened the woman, "would you like me to make this easier for you?"

"Yes, please," I smiled.

"OK then," she added, sighing. "I don't want to have sex with you any more."

The take a penny, leave a penny trays in businesses are a great idea that obviously makes things easier for customers and merchants alike by saving time and effort for all.

It's common cents.

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How Texas got its name (If you are from Texas you may not want to read it)

These three cowboys were traveling south and finally crossed the border from Oklahoma into a new territory that was still owned by Mexico. As they sat down to make camp that night one of them looked around as the sun set over the horizon and asked his companions "what should we name this place? I am...

A group of old friends met at a resort for their annual vacation.

They had a long-standing tradition of sharing jokes with each other. They’d been doing this so long that they just assigned numbers to the jokes to make it easier to tell them.

Someone would shout out “24” or “13” and everyone would laugh.

This went on for a long and then one person y...

My new job makes it easier for me to find women.

Ladies in the graveyard can't say no.

I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.”

So he went out and bought a present for my mother.

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The Great Debate

Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jews, so the Pope agreed to debate with a member of their community. If the Jews won, they could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

Knowing they had no choic...

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An easier question

Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $64,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the M.C. that he desired a question on American History.

The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the wee...

Got this friend who always drops french fries when he eats them. I told him to try onion rings because they're easier to hold, so he switched but it's still a problem.

They're dropping like fries.

Doctor Frankenstein created life, via great skill with a surgeon's knife. Igor loved to say, an easier way,

Would have been knocking boots with his wife.

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This woman wanted to have some rejuvenation surgery after her years of child birthing, so she decided to get a vaginoplasty.

When she awakens from surgery, she sees three vases on her bedside table with flowers in them. The nurse walks into the room, and the woman asks “Hey, who are these flowers from?” The nurse looks at her and says “Well, one is from the doctor, he just wanted to thank you for shaving and cleaning up e...

Why has a dentist’s job gotten so much easier?

All the kids are flossing all the time.

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Mellinials today definitely have it easier than previous generations...

My grandfather had to cross the Atlantic to punch a Nazi.

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I was working on my quantum physics homework when my mom came barging in...

I switched to porn because it was easier to explain

Med school is a lot easier than I expected!

I didn’t even study and my blood test says I got an “A+”

I have a way to make math easier.

Make the numbers communist. That way, every number is equal.

It was a lot easier to keep track of the days of the week back then

Monday: Greg

Tuesday: Ian

Wednesday: Greg

Thursday: Ian

Friday: Greg

Gregorian Calendar.

The thought of going home to my wife makes work much easier for me.

Think of all the stress I avoid by staying in the office.

Before buying Christmas gifts for your friend's children, ask them what they like because it'll make your life easier.

For example, I asked my friend's daughter what she was into and she said "anything Frozen" so I bought her a bag of peas and some Pizza Pockets. Easiest Christmas shopping ever!

Blonde Sells Car

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, “There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.” “That ...

A doctor was performing surgery on a patient with one hand

The nurse said that if he used both it would be easier

Difficult questions

A son asks his dad "Daddy, what is string theory?"

The dad replied "Why are you asking me such difficult questions, come on ask me something easier"

The son then asks "Um ok so why does mommy get mad sometimes?"

"String theory is a theoretical framework in which the point-like p...

George Carlin once famously joked, "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

Thanks to all those people wearing masks but leaving their noses fully exposed, the stupider half is now a lot easier to spot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Titles are really hard, but jokes are a bit easier.

A scientist invented a machine that could combine anything for form a hybrid of the objects.


He goes to a convention to present the machine.
For his presentations he decided to combine himself with two objects.

He stands in front of the crowd and brings out a xerox machine an...

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Reddit Karma is a lot like sex

It's easier to get if you lie about having cancer

I've been trying to learn to play solitaire, but I can't finish a single game!

You'd think it would be easier, since my deck is already missing six cards.

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What activity is easier as it gets harder?

Pissing on the ceiling

Why does it get easier to be a cop at midnight?

Both hands are already up

Its getting a lot easier to un-lock phones these days

Now that they've added facial recognition you don't need to lift a finger!

Dad joke warning ⚠

Knock, knock...
Who's there?
Cargo.
Cargo who?
Nope. Owl go who. Car go beep beep.

I warned you.

I won a Gold medal! Wow! Thank you /u/ArticCamels! I appreciate you... Be safe out there.

Another Goldie! Y'all are too much! Thanks /u/PlatinumOmnivore! Take care!
...

How to earn more trust and love by your spouse

I was advised to do this trusted trick. As per the plan, I was supposed to tell her in a romantic setting; how lucky I am though I do not deserve her being such a good person. Did everything right, I was about to tell her but she made my job easier. She told the same instead.

It's way easier to drink goat milk than you'd think.

It's getting the grass stains out of your clothes that's the hard part.

What gets easier as you get taller?

Washing your junk in the sink

We made learning so much easier for the younger generation.

They now have schools with smart devices, digital textbooks, and online courses.

We even reduced the planets down to eight.

As a 30 year old man, I can tell you that dating never gets any easier......

I've been with my girlfriend for 6 months now, and last night we had dinner at her parents house. Her Mother doesn't care for me, but her Father hates me; which is weird, because we used to play football together in high school.

A Man arrives at his small business first thing on Monday morning. He is met by the local Sheriff and his deputies, armed with a warrant for his arrest and a full search and Seizure of his business and assets.

After he is placed in handcuff and read his rights, a Slim mild mannered man in a suit approaches him and identifies himself as an IRS agent.

IRS Agent: “Are you Mr Jones who resides at 188 Boardwalk Rd?”

Mr Jones: “Yes I am”

IRS Agent: “Do you own and run ‘Jones: Fun house...

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

Two conjunctions are struggling in the kitchen, when two more conjunctions come along to make everything easier.

It's good to have an extra pair of ands.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

*NSFW* John is sent to prison and he meets his 6’8” 320 pound cell mate

Cell mate says, “We are going to be here a long time, so you choose whether you want to be the husband or the wife?”

John is scared but he knows what to pick to make his life a little easier, “I’ll be the husband” he says confidently.

Cell mate, “ Good, now come here and suck your wife...

Coming out of the closet would be a lot easier...

if my wardrobe wasn't so fabulous!

Hey what's easier than posting to r/personalfinance?

Getting laid.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day Bill is on a walk, when he sees his new neighbor, John.

He greets him and they start getting to know each other.

"So what do you do for a living, John?"

"Well I'm a logic professor"

"What's that?"

"Instead of telling you, it would be easier if I showed you. Do you own a dog house?"

"Yes, I do"

"Well then ...

I heard becoming a gynecologist

I heard becoming a gynecologist is easier than ever...
Because there are so many openings!!!

A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids.

The kids start goofing around while she's talking to the waitress. The mom gets impatient and yells, "Eddy! Stop that! Or else!" All 15 boys suddenly sit down, obedient and quiet.

The waitress asks, **"Did you really name all 15 of your boys Eddy?"**

"Yup," says the woman. "Makes it ea...

What's easier to get, aids or lung cancer?

Depends what you smoke.
(Not native speaker, sorry if it doesn't make sense)

A banker and a theif walk into a bar

The banker says to the thief, you're doing it all wrong...
there isn't any money in what you do. The thief smug, say's
wanna bet? I have a job this weekend and I'll show you
just how much money I can make.

The banker, laughs and says you're on. The thief figuring
he was just going...

Floccinaucinihilipilification... easier done than said.

Floccinaucinihilipilification: giving something a value of nothing, and easier done than said...
well that joke was worthless.

Why is it easier to pick a prime minister than any other leader?

Because there's only 2 factors involved.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's easier if you have no spine

Congress is keeping its members-only gym open during the government shutdown, which is mind-blowing, since I didn't know you could do squat thrusts with your head up your ass.

A friend of mine is writing a book on Californian sea lions.

I assured him that paper would be much easier.

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Young Paddy

A young Irish man called Paddy wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Donegal and he lived in Kerry .

Paddy consulted with his Sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good qua...

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