UPJOKE
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Bondage is so much easier now we're older. I used to have to blindfold her.

Now I just hide her glasses.

Why is it often easier to pose questions in the third person?

Asking for a friend...

Everything is easier said than done.

Unless it’s Worcestershire sauce.

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When you think about it, a vagina is a lot like a university.

They're both a lot easier to get into, if you're rich or an athlete.

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I met my new neighbor today

I asked him “So what do you do for a living?” He says “well I’m a professor of logic over at the university.” I said “What’s that?” and he says “Well it’s easier if I show you.”

So he asks “Do you have a dog house?” And I said “Yes I do!” He says “Well logically speaking then you likely have ...

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Yesterday my SON e-mailed me asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

Like sitting around playing on my computer is not a good thing? I asked.

Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be his favorite topic of conversation.

He said he was "only thinking of me", he said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the men. ...

What get's easier to pick up the heavier it gets?

Women

A bucket of zippos is easier to lift than a bucket of bricks

Zippos are lighter

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Bob had finally made it

to the last round of the "$64,000 Question" show. The night before the big question, he told the host that he desired a question on American History.

The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the be...

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How many Southern Baptists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

They wouldn’t bother: Sex abuse is easier to hide in the dark.

The great thing about inflation,

is if you spend the same on groceries,

the bags are lighter and easier to carry home.

It's easier to conduct undercover crime investigations on Reddit or Twitter.

You don't get followed easily.

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Sex is like threading a needle.

It's easier to get in after a little lick.

Why shouldn't you write a book on penguins?

Because writing on paper is much easier.

How do you make easter easier?

You uncross the t and dot it instead.

I just finished writing my book on penguins. It was very difficult and tiresome but I managed to finish it.

I should have probably taken my the advice from the publisher, friends and family to write it on paper to make it easier.

If only there was an easier way

Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig.


When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol'mate, how
are we going to tell who owns which Fookin' Pig?"


Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my Fookin Pig, a...

Wife: I have a bag full of clothes I'd like to donate. Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash? It's much easier. Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use the clothes

Husband: Honey, anyone who fits in your clothes is not starving.

What's easier to get from Trump than a stimulus check?

A pardon.

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The Man who could only Drink Milk

I know an old man who had lived a life full of adventure, but his health started to catch up with him. He'd run the Boston Marathon, was an avid surfer, and climbed Everest, but he'd started to have abdominal pains around his 85th birthday and went to see a doctor. Sadly, he ultimately was diagnosed...

One thing got a lot easier during this pandemic

ventriloquism.

Quitting drinking's been a lot easier ever since I became friends with the Antichrist

Hard to get buzzed someone turns all your wine into water...

How is success like a fart?

It's easier to bear it if it's your own

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What do old women and dog shit have in common?

The older they are, the easier they are to pick up.

A blonde tried to sell her old car...

She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250 000 miles.

One day she told her problem to a friend she worked with. The friend told her,

“There is a way to make the car easier to sell but it’s not legal.”

“That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde.

“O...

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It’s easy to tell how big a woman’s breasts are, but now it’s even easier to see the biggest dick

They’re the one not wearing a mask

When God created Adam and Eve...

He said to them: I have two gifts to give you one is to do pee standing up and...

Adam, very anxious, interrupted him screaming: M E... M E...I want it, please Lord... please... please... please... This would make life a lot easier!

Eve agreed and said those things didn’t matter to her...

I’ve just finished writing a book on snakes.

It would have been much easier if I’d just written in on paper…

Happy Fathers Day Quotes,,,

“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” —*Jerry Seinfeld*

“I gave my father $100 and said, ‘Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.’ So he went out and bought a present for my mother.” —*Rita ...

A hot girlfriend is like a job

It’s easier to get one once you already have one…

How do you make Easter easier in just one simple step?

Replace the T with an I.

Women are lean at marriage, making it easier to carry them across treshold.

Then we get heavier so men can't get us out of the house. xD

An old woman and her birthday gifts

An old woman had three sons. Two were rich and the other was poor. This woman's 90th birthday was coming up and this depressed the poorer son as he knew he could never match his brothers gifts in terms of expense or splendour.

However, he didn't give up and thought of gift she would really l...

My friend refuses to believe that working with decimals is easier than working with fractions.

He is missing the point.

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.”

So he went out and bought a present for my mother.

I told my dad recently "life would be a whole lot easier if you just pulled out"

He replied "I think I tried!"

The take a penny, leave a penny trays in businesses are a great idea that obviously makes things easier for customers and merchants alike by saving time and effort for all.

It's common cents.

I heard beauty pageant contestants use Vaseline to make it easier to smile.

I ate the whole jar and I’m still not happy.

Looking back at all my mistakes next year will be easier....

Hindsight = 2020

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Mellinials today definitely have it easier than previous generations...

My grandfather had to cross the Atlantic to punch a Nazi.

Dating is much easier since the lock down started.

Zero effort.

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Gift for sweetheart

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart for her
birthday. As they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration
he decided a pair of gloves would strike just the right note: romantic, but
not too personal.

Accompanied by the sweetheart's sister, he w...

The thought of going home to my wife makes work much easier for me.

Think of all the stress I avoid by staying in the office.

I have a way to make math easier.

Make the numbers communist. That way, every number is equal.

It was a lot easier to keep track of the days of the week back then

Monday: Greg

Tuesday: Ian

Wednesday: Greg

Thursday: Ian

Friday: Greg

Gregorian Calendar.

Got this friend who always drops french fries when he eats them. I told him to try onion rings because they're easier to hold, so he switched but it's still a problem.

They're dropping like fries.

Why has a dentist’s job gotten so much easier?

All the kids are flossing all the time.

Doctor Frankenstein created life, via great skill with a surgeon's knife. Igor loved to say, an easier way,

Would have been knocking boots with his wife.

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What activity is easier as it gets harder?

Pissing on the ceiling

Putin gets a haircut

Putin goes to the Kremlin barbershop to get a haircut. While cutting his hair, the barber keeps on and on asking and talking about the 'special operation' in Ukraine.

Putin snaps:

- You seem to be overly interested about Ukraine... Don't you understand what happens to people who are to...

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A man needs a Christmas gift for his new girlfriend. . .

A guy decides to buy his new girlfriend a pair of gloves for Christmas. After all, they’ve only been dating for three weeks so it seems like the ideal gift – romantic, yet not too personal.

He asks the girlfriend’s younger sister to accompany him to buy them then she can point out a pair she’...

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Three attractive women are on a plane together: an Scottish woman named Nessa, a Latina named Rosita, and a black woman named Ladonna.

The plane is flying over the ocean when it suddenly crashes and falls into the ocean. The three women climb onto a floatation device.

Nessa takes off her clothes and puts on a green bikini from her carry-on bag. "I'm wearing my green bikini because it contrasts with the red of my hair, and we...

Med school is a lot easier than I expected!

I didn’t even study and my blood test says I got an “A+”

Before buying Christmas gifts for your friend's children, ask them what they like because it'll make your life easier.

For example, I asked my friend's daughter what she was into and she said "anything Frozen" so I bought her a bag of peas and some Pizza Pockets. Easiest Christmas shopping ever!

Its getting a lot easier to un-lock phones these days

Now that they've added facial recognition you don't need to lift a finger!

Putin comes to the barber shop.

The barber cuts his hair and asks all the time about Ukraine. How are people doing there? When does the war end?

Putin get nervous:

- You are moved about this Ukraine far too much, right?

- Not at all, sir. For me it is totally indifferent.

- Why do you then constantl...

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Titles are really hard, but jokes are a bit easier.

A scientist invented a machine that could combine anything for form a hybrid of the objects.


He goes to a convention to present the machine.
For his presentations he decided to combine himself with two objects.

He stands in front of the crowd and brings out a xerox machine an...

Your mom is so fat,

The Red Sea is easier to part than her legs.

Coming out of the closet would be a lot easier...

if my wardrobe wasn't so fabulous!

What gets easier as you get taller?

Washing your junk in the sink

As a 30 year old man, I can tell you that dating never gets any easier......

I've been with my girlfriend for 6 months now, and last night we had dinner at her parents house. Her Mother doesn't care for me, but her Father hates me; which is weird, because we used to play football together in high school.

Everyone knows about Darth Vader, but very few people talk about his wife.

Ella wasn’t great at conquering planets but she did make it easier to navigate the Death Star.

We made learning so much easier for the younger generation.

They now have schools with smart devices, digital textbooks, and online courses.

We even reduced the planets down to eight.

It's way easier to drink goat milk than you'd think.

It's getting the grass stains out of your clothes that's the hard part.

Hey what's easier than posting to r/personalfinance?

Getting laid.

What's easier to get, aids or lung cancer?

Depends what you smoke.
(Not native speaker, sorry if it doesn't make sense)

Two conjunctions are struggling in the kitchen, when two more conjunctions come along to make everything easier.

It's good to have an extra pair of ands.

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