Aeroplane jokes tend to go right over my head.

But submarine jokes are beneath me.

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An elderly monk is tending to his garden when a young student comes by.

The student notices that the ancient monk is planting date palms. Curious, he thinks, for the date palm is known for its long fruiting time, and those the monk is planting today will take at least 7 years to bear any fruit. He approaches the monk and asks, "why do you plant these dates when you know...

Which race tends to be the shortest?

The 100-meter dash

The first time I saw my girlfriend tending her beehive...

I knew she was a keeper.

When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.

This phenomenon is known as many paws

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A young farmer is tending to his crop. A car pulls up and a man says, "Hey! See that guy over there? Well, he just told me your mother fucked a donkey and you're the result!"

The young farmer says, "What? That jerk? Ignore him. Hee-haways says that."

Why do politicians tend to appear in movie cameos ?

Because they are such good actors.

When I was bar tending I would tell people this was the worst joke they’ll ever hear that will still make them laugh. I always just called it. “Grandma”

A boy comes home from school one day skipping football practice cuz he isn’t feeling well.
When he gets home he grabs a snack and sits down to watch some TV.
During the show he hears some noises coming from his parents room.
His parents not being home at that time normally he walks down ...

Problem with pay equality is that men tend to go for higer paying jobs

...like doctors or directors. While females tend to settle with lesser paying ones like female doctors or female directors.

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A teenaged farmboy is tending to his family's cattle

When his father comes out to the pasture. He says, 'Son, another family in town is paying us to breed more cattle for 'em. Take our three largest heifers over to their farm where their breeding bull is waiting.'
The son dutifully walks the mile or so with their three cows over to the Anderson far...

Mathematicians tend to avoid sunlight

Cos tan is a sin

I live in a trailer park and noises tend to travel.

My neighbour was banging this chick he brought home and it felt like it had been going on for hours. I was getting annoyed so in my best Mortal Kombat voice I yelled out, “FINISH HER!!!”
Thankfully they finished a few minutes later.
About 2 hours later I hear my neighbour yell out in his Mort...

I tend to not move much during online meetings...

I'm told I have a resting glitch face.

During covid, my orthodontist told my I should tend to my teeth by myself.

“How?” I asked.

He said “Brace yourself.”

As a fat guy, I tend to avoid wearing skinny jeans.

I find it very difficult to pull it off.

When geese are flying in a V formation, do you know why one side tends to be longer than the other?

It's because there are more geese on that side.

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When I eat a lot of veggies I tend to poop a lot...

Guess that’s why they call it pro-deuce.

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One fine saturday morning, the husband wakes up early and goes outside to tend to the animals on the farm.

When he returns, he grabs his gun, wakes his wife up, and declares "Woman: We're goin' hunting."

Stirred awake by his words, she replies "Awww husband, I don't want to go hunting."

"Woman, you know the rules. If you don't do what I want to do on a saturday morning, you've got to suck m...

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There's a telegraph pole on which birds tend to sit and defecate

It's a shitty post.

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How can I make it appear big?

Plz Bare my grammatical errors, first time posting here and it's translated from Hindi


Akbar: birbal I think I have small dick how can I make it appear big?

Birbal: my lord shave you pubic hair, it tends to appear big and girls like it more that way.

So Akbar shaves his ball...

People tend to give teddy bears as gifts for Valentine's Day.

The standard teddy or panda bears seem popular this year. I've got my girlfriend a koala bear because she loves them.

Plus, I don't know a better way to tell her that I've got chlymidia.

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I tend to feel bad for Roombas...

they go through so much shit. :(

I tend to blame other people for my problems rather than taking responsibility.

I think it was the way I was raised.

Why do men tend to die before women?

Because they want to.

People tend to avoid me, since I have schizophrenia...

But at least I have each other.

I’m new to the stock market and I’ve been getting really good at pinpointing the peak of penny stocks. I’ll explain.

That’s when I tend to buy them.

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I need to Re-Home a Dog.

It's a very small Terrier that tends to bark a lot. If you are interested.


Let me know and I will jump over my neighbour's garden fence and get the fucker for you...........

Why don’t you want to listen to a dragon’s story?

Because they tend to drag-on

Walnut daiquiris

Old Doc Brown had a peculiar routine for the end of his workday. He would always stop at the bar on his walk home and slowly sip a walnut daiquiri. Like clockwork, 5 days a week for 20 years, Doc Brown would stroll in at 6pm, sit at the end of the bar, and drink his daiquiri.

Jack tended the ...

Why don't ants get COVID-19? (Part 2)

It's not because they have anty-bodies; not because they tend to be resist-ant to viruses (even though most of them are anti-vaxxers); it's not even the fact that they use disinfect-ant whilst being socially dist-ant. They don't get it simply because they just can't.

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After years of speculation, researchers have finally published a journal article documenting how long people tend to spend engaging in sexual activity.

It’s about fucking time.

The metal strip in paper currency is sensitive to microwave and radio waves.

Because it apparently tends to burn a hole in the pocket.

People who live near cemeteries typically don't get buried there

You don't tend to bury alive people

Why do small guys tend to commit crime?

Its their only chance to be at large.

When I'm feeling down, I tend to look at pictures of my well-endowed ex-girlfriends...

That really brings back some good mammaries.

I tend to forget my musical notes, so my instructor told me to write them down

It was the first time someone told me to logarithm

A farmer is outside tending his sheep

When a car driving by loses control and drives right in to the end of the farmers fence ripping the post out of the ground. The driver sees the farmer running over so he gets out of his car and yells "I'm okay I'm okay!"

The farmer says "I don't care about you! You just destroyed my whole fe...

Greatest Creation Ever

So Adam was in the Garden of Eden tending the plants and animals. God comes down and sees Adam. After awhile God says to Adam " Adam you've been such a good subject I think I will give you a reward. God says as a matter of fact it will be my Greatest Creation Ever. It will only cost you an arm and a...

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History tends to judge Hitler rather harshly. He really wasn't that bad.

After all, he killed Hitler.

How does a logician explain why long lines tend to form at the restroom after a movie?

If a lot of people have to urinate, a long line will tend to form. A lot of people *do* have to urinate after a movie, and thus there is a long restroom line. Put a bit more formally:
Pee implies queue. Pee, therefore queue.

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Why do people in the Middle-East tend to be homophobic?

They have had bad experiences with mandates.

A guy is tending bar at a local pub one afternoon...

And a guy walks in with a fried egg on his head. He sits at the bar and orders a beer, drinks it, pays and leaves.

Next day around the same time, the same guys comes in - fried egg on his head - orders a beer, drinks it, pays and leaves.

This goes on for about a week. The guy with the ...

Mexican names tend to have multiple syllables

Except Juan

A farmer was out tending his flock when he saw a man drinking with a cupped hand from a stream.

He shouted over in Welsh: “Don't drink the water! It's disgusting! There's sheep poo in it!”

The man at the stream lifted his head and carried on drinking. Realising the man couldn't hear him, the farmer moved closer and shouted the same thing in Welsh again.

But still the man couldn't...

A group of monks have an encounter with the almighty while tending their flower garden.

The experience so transforms them that they decide to form a new order, with a monastery, dedicated to growing flowers as a form of worship. Two years into the venture they realize that they are running out of funds and decide to begin selling some of their flowers as a way to raise funds to support...

One of the many situations women tend to handle the wrong way...

Ladies, if a man brings you breakfast whilst you are still in bed, he wants to hear: "Oooh, that is so cute, thank you! I love you!" and not "HOW THE FRAK DID YOU GET INTO MY HOUSE YOU FRAKKING CREEP?!?!?!".



Just FYI.

Cat Calls

A veterinarian surgeon had a bad day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals, his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner. After dinner, they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.

At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is ...

Studies show that women tend to drink less than men.

Probably because they can’t stand to pee.

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Criminal organizations tend to be very environmentally conscious.

Considering how quick they'd bust a cap in yo ass.
How much they deal.
It means they've successfully implemented Cap and Trade.

A Weasel Walks into a Bar

The bartender looks up and says, "Wow! In all my years tending bar, I've never had a weasel stop by! What can I get you?"

"Pop," goes the weasel.

Apparently more intelligent people tend to be less violent.

This is proven when you look at great modern scientists.

I bet you that no one has ever seen Steven Hawking slap someone.

Why can't eggs keep secrets?

Because they tend to crack under pressure

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A young man is sitting in a tavern in a small town in Italy, drinking and looking glum. A stern looking local man approaches him and asks, "What's wrong my friend?"

He says "My partner left me for another man."


"Ah, life can be cruel" says the local. "Take me, I built this bar with my bare hands. Foundation to chimney. You think they call me Mario the builder? No. Come with me."


Mario takes the man to the window.


"You see...

Choirs tend to be less picky when auditioning basses, since there aren't as many of them

Just another example of special treatment for vocal minorities

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A farmer goes to the vet about his sheep

It's coming into lambing season, but the ewes aren't getting pregnant, and he doesn't know what to do. The vet suggests artificial insemination.



Our friend the farmer is a bit dim, and doesn't know what that means, and takes it that it falls on \*him\* to do the deed.

So that ...

People with which blood type tend to misspell things?

TypO

An average person tends to be a mean person

Math joke.

The 3 men (Joke told by professor)

Sometime during the middle ages, one day - an engineer, a priest, and a farmer were being executed by the guillotine due to their crimes they commit against the village

the engineer was punished because he was rigging his builds and selling it blindly to people to make extra money by offering...

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Why do Catholics tend to have so many children?

Because even the virgins sometimes get pregnant.

A Scotsman is tending his flock of sheep... (long)

when he decides to take a nap under a nearby tree.
After he falls asleep, a young woman walking on a nearby road decides to play a joke on him.
She lifts up his kilt, takes a ribbon from her hair, ties it around his manhood, and leaves with a giggle.
After awhile the Scotsman wakes up and w...

I tend to be extra cautious around tall, large men with ten gallon hats

They’re pretty shady individuals.

Americans tend to think us Aussies are all dumb...

But atleast we get our weather information from meteorologists and not groundhogs.

Vampires that are depressed and unproductive tend to live longer...

... because no one wants to put any stake in them.

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A missionary deep in the heart of Africa is tending his herd of sheeps when suddenly

the very angry village chief approaches with his little albino daughter in his hand and yells with fury: "Priest! Look at daughter! You are the only white man within a 1000 miles, I know you have had sex with one of my wives!"
The missionary, a bit anxious, says with calm: "No no no, I can assur...

I got a job tending to baby seals once.

I got fired the first day for using a baseball bat. I guess they had a strict club only policy!

The jester and the king

It's a well known fact that humorists are more intelligent than the run of the mill average joe on the street. It's also a well known fact that it's not always a good idea to flaunt those extra smarts.

One day, the royal court was lounging around in a bored state. Without thinking, the jeste...

It has been scientifically proven that women with few pounds extra tend to live a lot longer than...

...men who point that out.

I find girls tend to make a lot noise in their bedroom

Perhaps they aren't expecting someone to be at their window.

17 years ago, on 20 Dec 1999, a Portuguese farmer was reading the newspaper before tending to his fields and work

His wife walks in the door and quickly glances at the newspaper. "Honey," she says, "We lost one of our animals."

The farmer says nothing.

She asks him, "Where's Macau?"

What do you say to the fruit that tends to your front yard?

WATER-ME-LON!

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A farmer was tending to his livestock.

George, a farmer, was tending to his livestock when he noticed something about the grass. The grass in his field had smelled like chocolate. Also, he notices that his cows wouldn't eat this part of the field. The pigs and chickens would eat it, but not the cows. Over time, the milk the cows made was...

Tired of the modern world, a businessman visited a monastery to seek a simpler life

Entering the monastery, he saw monks in simple robes practicing their meditations and tending to the grounds.

"Ahh," he thought, "here is a life free from distraction!"

But walking into the study halls, he discovered monks staring into laptops. In the wings, he saw monks typing on iPa...

Recent research shows that horses tend to have much better mental health than other farm animals

Due to their stable environment

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Adulthood gives you 4 rights that you don't enjoy as a minor.

The powers are:

1. The right to drink
2. The right to drive
3. The right to vote
4. The right to fuck

But the catch is that you can only legally exercise one right at a time.

Drinking while driving, illegal.
Voting while fucking, DEFINITELY illegal.

Let's try ...

If you're a farmer who tends to the care of chickens

Does that make you a chicken tender?

Liars tend not make eye contact,

which is why I don't trust pirates half the time.

What two things do people tend to think of when EA is mentioned?

Battlefield: Bad Company.

I told my deaf friend that people with poor hearing also tend to have poor reflexes.

"Sorry, I didn't catch that."

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Every time I tell a joke, I end up shitting myself.

But my humor has always tended to be a little self-defecating.

A prestigious neurosurgeon calls a plumber to tend to his leaky faucet.

The problem requires an easy fix and the entire job takes less than two minutes. Before leaving, the plumber says, “That will be $200.”
The surgeon was astonished. He says, “I will be candid with you. I am a neurosurgeon and even I don't charge $100 a minute.”
The plumber says, “Yeah, I know. ...

Jim Bob Trains A Parrot

Jim Bob is walking to work and passes a pet store. There is a new parrot on a perch outside of a pet store.

“Squawk! Hello handsome!” Said the bird to Jim Bob.
Jim Bob smiles and goes inside to buy the bird.

“$1000 dollars” said the owner. Jim Bob doesn’t have the money but the ow...

A shepherd is tending to his flock of sheep...

...when suddenly one of them goes running off.  The shepherd goes looking for it and after the entire day of frolicking, the sheep comes up to the shepherd and says "I'm ready to go back with the sheep now".  And so the shepherd takes her back to the sheep.

The next day the same thing happens...

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there were two sheep herders at the bottom of a mountain watering their sheep

as they sat there tending the sheep they heard "YEEHAA YOO YEEHAA!" coming down from the mountain they looked up there to see a big cloud of dust coming down the mountain in front of it there is a cowboy riding a big mountain lion whipping it with two rattle snakes when he gets to the sheep herders ...

Strange that the chimney tends to survive a house fire.

as a cold reminder of where the fire should have been. -Jimeoin

Research shows that, on average, men tend to write longer sentences than women.

They don't get periods.

It’s hard to explain why theft is wrong to a burglar...

Because they tend to take things literally.

Why do melons tend to have large weddings?

They cantaloupe

What's the most awkward aspect of bar-tending at an internet cafe?

You have to deal with people who forget to close their tabs.

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I want to see if this old Finnish joke is still funny when translated.

A press reporter, a young and beautiful woman was making an article about living alone in the middle of nowhere for the majority for one's life.


The reporter stayed at the old man's house for a long time, just discussing about everyday stuff.

Well, how do you get food then?

...

How is a joke like a frog?

If you have to dissect it, it's probably already dead.

See, because a common practice in laboratories, whether inhabited by students or professionals, is to dissect an animal, usually a frog, to understand the internal workings of it's body. Of course, this animal would be in a lot of pain if...

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Always introduce the baby to your household pets

"Always introduce the baby to your household pets because they tend to feel jealous and will behave in an unpredictable manner." was a tip I'd read in a parenting book.

"Now that's some pretty shit advice......" I thought as my 3 day old daughter fell straight to the bottom of the fish ta...

My wife would be upset - (Long)

I was going on my motorbike when I saw a car coming the wrong way on a oneway road. An extremely beautiful woman was at the driving seat. I was so distracted that I had to swerve last minute to avoid the car which led to me losing control and ending up in a ditch next to the road. After a minute or...

A girl from a strict family.

There was a girl from a very strict family. Her father absolutely hated fruits and no one in the family was allowed to eat them. As far as the girl knew her Uncle had died from choking on an apple which is why they were banned.

All through her school years she longed to taste any fruit, s...

Around me, girls tend to lie when they're drunk...

Especially on their back

a sociologist finally solved the mystery of why men tend to die earlier than their respective wives

they want to.

Never invite a circle to a party

They tend to make one-sided conversations.

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A guy was asked to name a weakness of his during a job interview

Guy: Well, I tend to be a little bit too honest

Interviewer: Well, that is a good thind, I don't think that is a weakness

Guy: I really don't give a fuck what you think

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The shepherd and the consultant

A shepherd is tending to his flock without a worry in the world as suddenly a sports car screeches to a halt next to him, out jumps a well dressed man saying "Hello shepherd, if I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, I may take one?"

The shepherd shrugs and the man starts to fi...

women tend to make bad decisions when they're around me...

if they chose me instead it would be the best decision of their lives!

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Ever wonder how yodeling was invented?

Long ago, a mountain climber was walking through a valley on his way to a nearby mountain he had his eye on climbing. As he grew near his destination he saw a little farmhouse with a little barn with a farmer outside tending to his animals. The climber approached the farmer and asked if he could spe...

Why are surgeons banned from karaoke bars?

Things tend to get messy on "Open Mic" night.

A salesman was driving the back roads one day, when he saw the strangest thing...

While driving dusty back roads looking for his next sale, this Salesman noticed a chicken was running along side the road. Now, the guy didn't think much of that, you tend to see chickens in rural communities... but this one was strange. The chicken was keeping up with the car, even though the guy w...

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My girlfriend asked me if I had ever I peed in the shower. I said "yes, twice, but they were both accidents"

She asked "How on earth could you accidentally pee in the shower?!"
I said "Well these things tend to happen when you're taking a shit".

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So there are three friars living atop a mountain

So there are three friars living atop a mountain, and they tend to the most beautiful garden in all the land.
One day, one of the friars decides he could make a flower one hundred times prettier than all the other flowers in the garden, if only he could cross-breed a few that he had already.<b...

I’m really glad I didn’t turn out to be a biter, y’know?

Some people, when they’re kids, tend to bite others while playing, which isn’t good. What’s worse is that some never grow out of it, like my mom, apparently. Every so often, I’d hear her and dad playing from across the house, and, every single time, he’d have to tell her to bite the pillows.

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Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.

The inspector released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."

My least favorite subject in school was Ancient History.

The teachers tended to Babylon

For my cake day, I want to share a joke I've never seen here: A man is walking through the desert. [Long]

He comes across a town and realises he could get a horse. He walks up to the horse salesperson and asks for a horse. The salesperson says "Sorry just sold the last one, but you can check down the street. The other guy might have some left!"

So he goes there and again, asks for a horse. Unfort...

A man was tired of working as a burger-flipper at McDonalds.

All day every day he made Big Macs. And in his head he would list off the ingredients; Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickle and onion, on a seasame seed bun.

Over and over: Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickle and onion, on a seasame seed bun.<...

A father is planning a birthday party for his son, who is a huge Phillies fan.

The father recently befriended a sports agent, so he reaches out:

"Hey Mike, my kid's birthday is coming up on the 27th and I wanted to see if you could pull some strings to have someone from the Phillies make an appearance at his party."

"Yeah, I think Shane Victorino is actually gonn...

Joe's Talking Trees

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

A study of different American’s choice of sport

Now this is profound:

It is very interesting looking over data of different socioeconomic groups in America and the different types of recreation they partake in, and what it means about them as a group.

Poor people tend to play basketball.

Working Class tend to play football<...

A man visits a hotel in Spain and injures himself in the room.

So he calls the front desk and asks them to find him a doctor.

"you're in luck, sir! We have a doctor that lives in this very hotel."

They send the doctor up. After tending to the man's injuries the man remarks:

"Wow! I never would have thought this hotel would have its own do...

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