Tend Jokes - 98 Hilarious Tend Jokes

Mary comes home after tending to the garden….

Joseph has a warm pie on the table. He cuts Mary a peice of pie and she is thrilled by how amazing it tastes. So she asks Joseph, “Where did you get this pie from?”

Joseph tells Mary “I baked it!”

“Baked it?” Says Mary.

“Yes, right here in our home from scratch!” Says Joseph....

When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.

This phenomenon is known as many paws

Problem with pay equality is that men tend to go for higer paying jobs

...like doctors or directors. While females tend to settle with lesser paying ones like female doctors or female directors.

I need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot.

If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.

I tend to confuse Tony Hawk with Stephen Hawking

To be fair, they both love ramps

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My therapist told me that I tend to persue damaged people, and then try to help them.

To which I responded, “You too”….

What dou you call you german friend that tends to just get up and go home without telling anybody?

Up and Heimer.

I just came up with it and im not sorry.

A farmer is outside tending his sheep

When a car driving by loses control and drives right in to the end of the farmers fence ripping the post out of the ground. The driver sees the farmer running over so he gets out of his car and yells "I'm okay I'm okay!"

The farmer says "I don't care about you! You just destroyed my whole fe...

One day there was a farmer tending to his crops when he saw a nun walking down the road.

He asked her where she was going and she told him the local convent was out of food so she was headed into town to see if anyone could spare some food. The farmer told her he could save her a trip and just give her some of his crops. Unfortunately, the only crop he had ready to harvest was cucumbers...

Why do masochistic people tend to explode?

Because they are propane

You know how captains tend to go down with their ships?

I always thought that was a weird hull to die on.

Mathematicians tend to avoid sunlight

Cos tan is a sin

Which race tends to be the shortest?

The 100-meter dash

Aeroplane jokes tend to go right over my head.

But submarine jokes are beneath me.

What kinda hoes help you tend to your garden?

Helpful hoes.

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A shepherd is tending to his flock when a man in a sports car pulls up.

The man is wearing a fancy suit and says, "My! What a large herd of sheep you have here! I would like to make a wager with you. If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have, you give me one of them."

The shepherd is intrigued and agrees.

The fancy man gets on his phone and makes...

My husband was out of town for work and I was left to tend to myself...

He asked me not to call during working hours unless it was an emergency, but I wasn't sure what car trouble would be considered. I took a chance and when he picked up he sounded very worried. I told him it was the car, and that I believed there was water in the carburetor. His tone changed to sarcas...

The wage gap isn't real.

Men simply focus on getting the higher paying jobs like scientist, doctor, engineer. Meanwhile, women tend to go towards the lower paying jobs, like female scientist, female doctor and female engineer.

People tend to associate slash and axl rose

But last time I got my tires slashed, my axels sank

As a fat guy, I tend to avoid wearing skinny jeans.

I find it very difficult to pull it off.

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A teenaged farmboy is tending to his family's cattle

When his father comes out to the pasture. He says, 'Son, another family in town is paying us to breed more cattle for 'em. Take our three largest heifers over to their farm where their breeding bull is waiting.'
The son dutifully walks the mile or so with their three cows over to the Anderson far...

People tend to avoid me, since I have schizophrenia...

But at least I have each other.

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I tend to feel bad for Roombas...

they go through so much shit. :(

I tend to not move much during online meetings...

I'm told I have a resting glitch face.

Why do men tend to die before women?

Because they want to.

I tend to blame other people for my problems rather than taking responsibility.

I think it was the way I was raised.

I live in a trailer park and noises tend to travel.

My neighbour was banging this chick he brought home and it felt like it had been going on for hours. I was getting annoyed so in my best Mortal Kombat voice I yelled out, “FINISH HER!!!”
Thankfully they finished a few minutes later.
About 2 hours later I hear my neighbour yell out in his Mort...

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I tend to get boners at funerals.

Guess you could call it “mourning wood”.

Mexican names tend to have multiple syllables

Except Juan

Why do small guys tend to commit crime?

Its their only chance to be at large.

It has been scientifically proven that women with few pounds extra tend to live a lot longer than...

...men who point that out.

A Scotsman is tending his flock of sheep... (long)

when he decides to take a nap under a nearby tree.
After he falls asleep, a young woman walking on a nearby road decides to play a joke on him.
She lifts up his kilt, takes a ribbon from her hair, ties it around his manhood, and leaves with a giggle.
After awhile the Scotsman wakes up and w...

A farmer was out tending his flock when he saw a man drinking with a cupped hand from a stream.

He shouted over in Welsh: “Don't drink the water! It's disgusting! There's sheep poo in it!”

The man at the stream lifted his head and carried on drinking. Realising the man couldn't hear him, the farmer moved closer and shouted the same thing in Welsh again.

But still the man couldn't...

Americans tend to think us Aussies are all dumb...

But atleast we get our weather information from meteorologists and not groundhogs.

During covid, my orthodontist told my I should tend to my teeth by myself.

“How?” I asked.

He said “Brace yourself.”

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There's a telegraph pole on which birds tend to sit and defecate

It's a shitty post.

People tend to give teddy bears as gifts for Valentine's Day.

The standard teddy or panda bears seem popular this year. I've got my girlfriend a koala bear because she loves them.

Plus, I don't know a better way to tell her that I've got chlymidia.

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When I eat a lot of veggies I tend to poop a lot...

Guess that’s why they call it pro-deuce.

Why do girls tend to make a big deal out of things when they are on their period?

Because they are ovary acting.

People with which blood type tend to misspell things?

TypO

An average person tends to be a mean person

Math joke.

One thing that annoys me is that I tend to repeat myself

I just keep saying things I’ve already said.

Apparently more intelligent people tend to be less violent.

This is proven when you look at great modern scientists.

I bet you that no one has ever seen Steven Hawking slap someone.

Liars tend not make eye contact,

which is why I don't trust pirates half the time.

Studies show that women tend to drink less than men.

Probably because they can’t stand to pee.

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Why do people in the Middle-East tend to be homophobic?

They have had bad experiences with mandates.

No matter what side of the political spectrum you tend to be on can we all agree...

That these Capitol Hill protestors are facing Trumped-up charges?

Why do mathematicians tend to...

Why do mathematicians tend to marry larger women? Because they like curves. Why do their marriages not last? The wife thinks their husband is plotting behind their back.

A group of monks have an encounter with the almighty while tending their flower garden.

The experience so transforms them that they decide to form a new order, with a monastery, dedicated to growing flowers as a form of worship. Two years into the venture they realize that they are running out of funds and decide to begin selling some of their flowers as a way to raise funds to support...

A guy is tending bar at a local pub one afternoon...

And a guy walks in with a fried egg on his head. He sits at the bar and orders a beer, drinks it, pays and leaves.

Next day around the same time, the same guys comes in - fried egg on his head - orders a beer, drinks it, pays and leaves.

This goes on for about a week. The guy with the ...

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My girlfriend got a boob job, but I don't know how to break it to her that I find it makes her less attractive

Traditionally women tend to get both done

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A farmer was tending to his livestock.

George, a farmer, was tending to his livestock when he noticed something about the grass. The grass in his field had smelled like chocolate. Also, he notices that his cows wouldn't eat this part of the field. The pigs and chickens would eat it, but not the cows. Over time, the milk the cows made was...

I got a job tending to baby seals once.

I got fired the first day for using a baseball bat. I guess they had a strict club only policy!

One of the many situations women tend to handle the wrong way...

Ladies, if a man brings you breakfast whilst you are still in bed, he wants to hear: "Oooh, that is so cute, thank you! I love you!" and not "HOW THE FRAK DID YOU GET INTO MY HOUSE YOU FRAKKING CREEP?!?!?!".

Just FYI.

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History tends to judge Hitler rather harshly. He really wasn't that bad.

After all, he killed Hitler.

I find girls tend to make a lot noise in their bedroom

Perhaps they aren't expecting someone to be at their window.

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A missionary deep in the heart of Africa is tending his herd of sheeps when suddenly

the very angry village chief approaches with his little albino daughter in his hand and yells with fury: "Priest! Look at daughter! You are the only white man within a 1000 miles, I know you have had sex with one of my wives!"
The missionary, a bit anxious, says with calm: "No no no, I can assur...

Why do melons tend to have large weddings?

They cantaloupe

When I'm feeling down, I tend to look at pictures of my well-endowed ex-girlfriends...

That really brings back some good mammaries.

I tend to forget my musical notes, so my instructor told me to write them down

It was the first time someone told me to logarithm

A shepherd is tending to his flock of sheep...

...when suddenly one of them goes running off. The shepherd goes looking for it and after the entire day of frolicking, the sheep comes up to the shepherd and says "I'm ready to go back with the sheep now". And so the shepherd takes her back to the sheep.

The next day the same thing happens...

I tend to be extra cautious around tall, large men with ten gallon hats

They’re pretty shady individuals.

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One fine saturday morning, the husband wakes up early and goes outside to tend to the animals on the farm.

When he returns, he grabs his gun, wakes his wife up, and declares "Woman: We're goin' hunting."

Stirred awake by his words, she replies "Awww husband, I don't want to go hunting."

"Woman, you know the rules. If you don't do what I want to do on a saturday morning, you've got to suck m...

A prestigious neurosurgeon calls a plumber to tend to his leaky faucet.

The problem requires an easy fix and the entire job takes less than two minutes. Before leaving, the plumber says, “That will be $200.”
The surgeon was astonished. He says, “I will be candid with you. I am a neurosurgeon and even I don't charge $100 a minute.”
The plumber says, “Yeah, I know. ...

How does a logician explain why long lines tend to form at the restroom after a movie?

If a lot of people have to urinate, a long line will tend to form. A lot of people *do* have to urinate after a movie, and thus there is a long restroom line. Put a bit more formally:
Pee implies queue. Pee, therefore queue.

Choirs tend to be less picky when auditioning basses, since there aren't as many of them

Just another example of special treatment for vocal minorities

What do you say to the fruit that tends to your front yard?

WATER-ME-LON!

Around me, girls tend to lie when they're drunk...

Especially on their back

Strange that the chimney tends to survive a house fire.

as a cold reminder of where the fire should have been. -Jimeoin

Recent research shows that horses tend to have much better mental health than other farm animals

Due to their stable environment

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After years of speculation, researchers have finally published a journal article documenting how long people tend to spend engaging in sexual activity.

It’s about fucking time.

I shouldn't make jokes at the expense of my anti-vax neighbours so much...

They tend to get offended by those hurtful little jabs

I told my deaf friend that people with poor hearing also tend to have poor reflexes.

"Sorry, I didn't catch that."

Research shows that, on average, men tend to write longer sentences than women.

They don't get periods.

When I was bar tending I would tell people this was the worst joke they’ll ever hear that will still make them laugh. I always just called it. “Grandma”

A boy comes home from school one day skipping football practice cuz he isn’t feeling well.
When he gets home he grabs a snack and sits down to watch some TV.
During the show he hears some noises coming from his parents room.
His parents not being home at that time normally he walks down ...

What's the most awkward aspect of bar-tending at an internet cafe?

You have to deal with people who forget to close their tabs.

You know how when geese fly in a “V” one side tends to be longer? Do you know why that is?

More geese on that side

17 years ago, on 20 Dec 1999, a Portuguese farmer was reading the newspaper before tending to his fields and work

His wife walks in the door and quickly glances at the newspaper. "Honey," she says, "We lost one of our animals."

The farmer says nothing.

She asks him, "Where's Macau?"

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A young farmer is tending to his crop. A car pulls up and a man says, "Hey! See that guy over there? Well, he just told me your mother fucked a donkey and you're the result!"

The young farmer says, "What? That jerk? Ignore him. Hee-haways says that."

a sociologist finally solved the mystery of why men tend to die earlier than their respective wives

they want to.

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How do I keep her awake?

A man went into work one day and asked his best friend for advice on a “personal matter.”

“Every time me and my wife are 69ing; she always tends to fall asleep. Do you have any ideas how I can stop this from happening?”

His friend surprised says “I used to have the exact same problem!...

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A woman is in a coma

and the nurse tending to her notices that whenever she is sponge bathing the woman, the woman’s vital signs jump a little on all of the machines an screens. So the nurse calls the husband and says ’come down to the hospital, i think i know how to get your wife out of this coma.’ so the husband hurri...

A weasel walks into the bar. The bartender says wow! In all my years bar tending I’ve never seen a weasel in a bar before. What can I get for you?

Pop, goes the weasel

An old lady was walking down the street

An old lady was walking down the street with two huge bags over her shoulders. While suddenly, one of the bags break and 100$ bills start falling on the sidewalk one after another.

A policeman going in the opposite direction notices this and alerts the lady:
“Excuse me, I think one of your...

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Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.

The inspector released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."

Why did Trump refuse the debate with Bernie?

Because chickens tend to run from people with a last name of Sanders.

Against my better judgement, I decided to attend the local Cannibal Convention

The decision has been nawing at me for some time now, but I'm trying to have fun and not let it consume me.

Some young women are like bottles of wine

They need to be tended to carefully and given time to mature, which is why I keep a few in my cellar.

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A guy walks into a bar

and orders a round of beer. After about his sixth or seventh round his wife comes storming into the bar. "You disgust me!" she screams. "That's right, we sure did," the guy replies. "We all agreed that you are too uptight and tend to be a little bitchy."

Pavlov walks into a bank.

Finding the counter deserted, he rings the little bell these kinds of places tend to have.

When someone finally comes around, they find Pavlov lost in thought and ask him what's wrong, to which he says: "I forgot to feed the dog."

haha Belgians dumb

The King of Belgian visits the King of the Netherlands and laments that the Dutch people always make fun of the Belgian people. "Can't you just do something rediculously stupid? That way we have something to make fun of you. Just make a bridge in the middle of the desert, that would be so dumb"
<...

Have you guys heard about the bird flu?

I mean, I don’t know why it’s such a big deal. They tend to do that quite often.

Interview

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. “So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?” The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying. “Um ... 22.” The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. “And ...

It's a well known fact that humorists are more intelligent than the run of the mill average joe on the street. It's also a well known fact that it's not always a good idea to flaunt those extra smarts.

One day, the royal court was lounging around in a bored state. Without thinking, the jester suddenly voiced an opinion, "You know, there are times when the apology for an offense is worse than the original action."

The king immediately glowers and says, "If you can't prove that, Jester, I thi...

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A guy gets on a Greyhound bus and finds a seat next to an attractive lady.

They say hello and chat a bit, then the lady decides to read for a few hours.
When she finally sets her book down, the man notices the book is titled "True, Unusual, and Medical Facts About Sex".
He says, "That must be quite an interesting book."
"Yes," she says, " it's got some amazing inf...

Patio Birds

A poultry obsessed wife brings home two baby geese and promptly sets up their coop, pool, and feed on the back patio, stating they would be more comfortable there. She spends hours outside tending to, cooing at, and cuddling them… to the point of annoyance with her husband.

One day he decide...

My doctor said I need to cut back my sodium intake...

...but I tend to take everything he says with a grain of salt.

One positive thing about voyeurs:

They tend to be real peephole pleasers

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