The 116+ Best Insist Jokes

My wife insisted in getting a puppy and I insisted we did not! So, we compromised...

Got the puppy.

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There is nothing worse than a doctors receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of patients

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dic...

My family insists i am addicted to drinking brake fluid.

But i can stop any time i want.

My girlfriend found my stash of money I keep in an old boardgame and is insisting I put the money in the bank...

Better safe than Sorry I guess.

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My girlfriend was down with the flu, but still insisted on having sex.

What a sick fuck.

TIL that for release in Finland, the original Mortal Kombat had to be censored in an unusual way. Censors were fine with the gore, but insisted the music be replaced with traditional Christian songs.

FINNISH HYMN!!!

If you insist on making America like Russia in the 1980's...

SO VI ET...

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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

Why won't the Republicans impeach Trump?

Because they insist on carrying a baby to full term

When I die, I insist on being cremated ...

I've urned it.

My French girlfriend is aggressively insisting we adopt a kitten

She stormed into my room and said "I think it's time you and I had a little chat"

A son was arguing with his dad, insisting that 1+1 equals 11

The father then looked at his son's eyes and said:

-Right, then go and buy 2 popsicles!

His son then goes and buys 2 popsicles.

Then, his dad said:

-Now give me one and the other to your brother!

Son asks:

-What about mine?

Father answers:

-You...

My girlfriend keeps insisting that I'm cheating on her.

She's starting to sound like my wife.

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An atheist man married a devout Catholic woman.

The woman insisted they have a full catholic wedding, led by a priest and including the sacrament. The man loved her, so he capitulated.
Every Sunday the woman insisted they attend mass. The man loved her, so he capitulated.
When their children were born, the woman insisted on a Catholic c...

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of “Free Bird” being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

wife's insisting to quit job

The wife's insisting I quit my job, because she thinks it's cruel we've started testing our new products on rabbits.
She's got a point, I suppose...

I work in a hammer factory.

Why won't republicans impeach Trump?

Because they insist on carrying babies to full term.

OP is here, I heard this from a friend at work:

[https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/search?q=Because%20they%20insist%20on%20carrying%20babies%20to%20full%20term.&restrict\_sr=1&type=link](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/search?q=B...

What do you say to that doctor that simply insists on treating their own wound?

Fine! Suture self!

My roommates insist that our house is haunted

I’ve lived here for 274 years and never once met a ghost.

My wife insisted that we go to Stockholm in vacation.

I didn't want to go at first, but now, I don't want to leave.

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What do you call a person who insists on saying “pissssssss” every time they urinate?

An onomatopee-er

A keen hunter takes his wife deer hunting for the first time in her life.

He first explains the basics to his wife, and then says: "One thing is super important: Whenever you shoot something, you must claim it right away. Or else if someone else gets to the kill, they might claim it. So if you want deer meat in the fridge, make sure you're quick to claim it."

Of ...

The Boss always insisted that only Abdul should serve his coffee, but

yesterday, this conversation happened.

Boss: Abdul, since the last 8 years you have brought me coffee filled to the brim without spilling even a drop.
How do you manage that over these stairs?

Abdul: Sir, just before I climb up the stairs, I take a big sip. As I get upstairs, I put...

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Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.

Or As My Doctor Insists On Calling It, A Colonoscopy

Why do vegan insist on telling you they are vegan?

They can’t bite their tongues.

My doctor insists that I should reduce my ground beef consumption.

So be it, sea cows it is then.

Why did Calvin’s dad insist that Calvin play D&D?

It builds character

I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family.

They criticized everything she did, mocked her heritage and gave her a psychiatric disorder.

I guess I shouldn't have insisted on the royal treatment.

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My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex.

My girlfriend insists that it says dyslexia but what does she know

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Joke from a Ford automobile joke book published by the Standard Thermometer Company sometime in the 1920s

Boob: They tell me that all Ford cars will be painted red next year.
Simp: How's that?
Boob: The State laws insist that any tin can made to carry gasoline must be painted red.

An arrogant zebra insists there are no lions in the area.

A herd of zebras are grazing peacefully. They begin to suspect that lions are waiting to ambush them in a nearby meadow. One of the zebras however thinks he knows everything and confidently declares that there can’t be lions because lions don’t move into that area until the autumn and haven’t arrive...

I always insist on banging my girlfriend from behind.

That way I don't have to see the look of disappointment on her face.

Johnny and Susie were playing naked, wondering why they have different “parts”

When Johnny got home he asked his mother why he had a stick and Susie had a hole. Johnny’s mother said “oh son, you have a Ferrari, and Susie has a garage; the time will come and you’ll park your Ferrari in her garage”

When Susie got home she asked her father why she had a hole and Johnny had...

My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid

She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.

I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth

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I couldn’t understand why my dog insisted on licking its ass in bed

Then I tried it. I get it now.

Man, his ass tastes *good*!

My friends keep insisting I’m too frugal.

I’m not buying it.

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Jack Russle and Great Dane at the vets...

A Jack Russell and a Great Dane are in the waiting room at a vets...

JR: "Why are you here ?"

GD: "Fuck off."

JR: "No, come on, let's be friendly, we're both dogs, we don't want to be here, we should support each other,"

GD: "<sigh>"

JR: "I'll tell you why I'...

My girlfriend is insisting on a shower cap for me.

Apparently 8 a day is too many.

Even during COVID, my church insists we line up and kiss the statue of Jesus on the Crucifix.

Have they never heard of cross contamination!?

A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.

As they are undressing for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.

"Here, try these on," he says.

"What? Why?" she says.

"Just put them on," he insists.

"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."

"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this ma...

Roy Moore refuses to concede the Alabama Senate race.

He keeps insisting that the black votes should only count for 3/5ths.

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My wife insisted that I list every woman I’d ever been with...

so I started with the woman I lost my virginity to, all the way up to her. And that is where I should have stopped.

~Jimmy Carr

My husband keeps insisting we try 69

but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.

My girlfriend insisted that she wanted a fingering

she’s not a fan of toe rings

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A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

“You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

“I went to visit my Nana.”

“No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people word...

My girlfriend kept insisting that I give her a ring...

It took a while to get comfortable with the idea $it was a really big decision for me$, but finally I got enough courage to dial the number and have an actual telephone conversation with her.

My wife came home yesterday...

and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is."

I asked her what it was and she told me it had water in the carburettor. I though for a moment, then said, "You know I don't mean this badly, but you're not mechanically inclined. You don't know the carburettor from the r...

A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah's Witness are lost..

They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night.

"I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn," says the Farm Owner.

The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door.

"I'm s...

My patient insisted on stitching their cuts by himself

I said: suture yourself

I was on a road trip with my wife, who insisted on staring at large map, and barking out directions...

...So I took it off her, and scrunched it up into a little ball.

She was not impressed to say the least, and whined "how are we going to find our way now" as she un-crumpled the paper, "we're lost now".

I said "well you're not going to get anywhere with that latitude".

When I was visiting France, my French friends kept insisting I stay up every night and do drugs.

I was under a lot of Pierre pressure.

What do you call a crab that, despite being warned, insists on driving intoxicated?

Very shellfish.

I wanted to use a paper map when sightseeing but my girlfriend insisted on using her phone

It was my way or the Huawei.

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My boyfriend insisted that a two inch penis can’t change our relationship.

But I still called the police after I found one in the fridge.

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Crocodile.

A multi-millionaire, living in Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors... He also invited Brian, the only native Australian in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool, in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time, drinking, ...

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Husband always insisted on making love in the dark...

After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator.

She goes ballistic, "You impotent bastard! How could you lie to me all these years?"

Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids....."

My friend spoke to me today, and insisted that all brooms are the same...

I always hated those sweeping generalizations.

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and aft...

My wife insisted on a threesome with that Terminator actor

I didn’t want to risk trouble so as soon as he turned up I said “I’ll be front”

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My wife insisted on mixing the butter and flour together.

I told her she would roux the day.

Told to me by my five year old (she insists it's original)

My daughter, after inspecting the cupcake she decorated:

"What do you call a baby bear that doesn't have its teeth yet?"

"A gummy bear!"

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My mom and dad insist that i pay them for letting me stay in their basement

I guess thats why they're called PAYRENTS

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Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undula...

Everyone at my work insists that I wear a face mask.

But I don't care, it's my choice how I perform surgery.

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When my girlfriend and I do role play sex she insists that I treat here like a 12 year old...

I don't know why she insists on it so heavily... I mean she will be 12 in just a couple of years!

A big bus stops at a roadside eatery.

The passengers flood inside the eatery and as they take their respective seats the driver calls the manager aside and explains, "Look sir, we're from the mental asylum down the road. I'm taking the inmates for a ride. When they're done eating they will insist on paying with bottle caps like they do ...

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My wife kept insisting that we try having sex underground

Eventually I caved.

My wife insists I should read “Pride and Prejudice”, but I said no.

I’m too good for it, and I have a feeling that the book will lecture me.

I went out with my girlfriend to a fancy restaurant last night and after we’d eaten she kept insisting on paying for the meal.

I said, "Don't be stupid, we're half way down the road now. Just keep running!!'

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Well, ...

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As a kid I always insisted on having olive oil on my pasta instead of meat sauce.

Maybe that is why I am a virgin.

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They DoD realized they have too many Generals.

So they offer a retirement package where they have a doctor measure the distance between any two points on their body and they get $10,000 for every inch.

An Air Force General is the first two take the offer and has the doctor measure him from the top of this head to the bottom of this feet. ...

The Queen of France is asked by her chef what she would like her and the rest of the court to eat for dinner

"I would like to eat cheese", she said.

"Which kind of cheese?", asked the chef?

"I would like soft French cheese with garlic and herbs", replied the queen. "And there is one more thing I must insist on".

"Anything my Queen. What is it?", replied the chef.

"It is very im...

It's true when Trump insists he "Doesn't have a Racist Bone in his body"

It's just his heart, brain and tongue

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 50th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

Th...

It was cold and pouring with rain, but the boy's mother insisted he go to the barn and feed the animals before he could have breakfast.

The boy went out in a dark rage, kicked the chickens, punched the cow and threw water all over the pigs.

When he got back inside his mother was furious.

"How dare you!" she fumed. "I saw what you did! You get no eggs because you kicked the chickens, no milk because you thumped the cow ...

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Why do 19th century western women insist on staying in the kitchen?

It's easier to control the arsenic.

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A woman goes to her doctor

A woman goes to her doctor and says " I have psittacosis of the pussy ". He says " That's impossible! It's a disease that parrots suffer from".
She insists that she has psittacosis and wants to be examined. He duly does so and says "As I said, you don't have psittacosis, but I can see that you ha...

The custodians at my school kept insisting that I smoke kush with them, but I declined ...

I can't deal with high-maintenance people.

My wife is very insistent on spooning in bed?

But forking is apparently off the table

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An attractive lady is at her doctor's

She's lying on her back on the examination couch, her blouse undone and looks up into his eyes and says, "Kiss me doctor,"
"No I can't, " replied the doctor.
"Oh go on, kiss me, kiss me," she insists,
"No it's out of the question," said the doctor,
"Why's that?" She asks disappointedly.<...

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What else could he say??

A young couple decided to take their 5 year old son to see the circus. After several amazing acts, the ringmaster led six bull elephants into the center ring, linked trunk to tail in the usual manner.

"What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Mommy?" Little Johnny asked.

"That...

Before moving into the new house, my wife insisted that I throw away stuff that "Don't spark joy"...

I divorced the hag right away

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The prostitutes operation...

An old prostitute tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses car...

Richard, a good friend of mine, insisted that it's now impossible to get a "repost" to the front page of /r/jokes...

"Every joke ever written has been posted to Reddit and there is nothing left to joke about." Said Richard and he even suggesting many of you would agree.

"Put your money down on the table, I bet I can get a "repost" to the front page!" I replied with a sense of regret as I soon as I said tho...

My wife keeps insisting that I tell her my favorite body part and vegetable

I told her eye yam but she doesnt listen

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender considers it, then agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.

He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
...

My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type for the blood transfusion

As he was dying he kept insisting “be positive”but it’s hard without him.

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool... (/r/AskReddit comments section liked it and I was told that you might like it, too)

*It's a joke I know in french. So I tried to translate it and did some improvments since my first comment, too:*

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool.

The lifeguard asks to the class: "Does any one of you already know how to swim?"

Then the little Dimitri, all excited, an...

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A guy goes to see a prostitute. (unpleasant joke ahead)

"Is it true what they say about you?"
"Yes honey, absolutely. I can suck you off, and sing the Star-Spangled Banner at the same time. Wanna give it a go?"
"That sounds amazing. I've got to experience it for myself."

They go up to her place. They move to the bedroom immediately and he p...

What do I do if my boss insists on paying me under the table?

I’d rather him just hand me my check standing up. It’s hard to crawl under there.

I love it doggy style. But my wife always insists

...that I give her a treat afterwards.

A farmer sold an old horse, but warned the buyer she didn't look too good.

The buyer insisted she looked well enough and bought her. A few days later, the buyer came back, complaining the horse kept bumping into things.

"The old mare's completely blind!" he shouted.

"Well, I told you she didn't look too good," the farmer replied.

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What do you say to someone who insists you do work pro bono?

Fuck U2

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral.

She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him
in the black suit that he's wearing?"

But she insists that it must be a blue suit and
gives him a blank check to buy one.

When she comes ...

You hear about the Egyptian who insisted that he could breath underwater?

He was forever in De-Nile

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Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years.
Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football t...

I met a British dude who insisted that he was a famous singer.

I said that I didn't believe him, but he was Adam Ant.

A Jewish man is stranded on an island for 20 years

He is finally rescued by a team, and he insists on showing them the life he’s built for himself there. They come across a small clearing with a bunch of makeshift buildings.

He points to the closest one, “That’s my home.” He continues to point to the other buildings as they walk by.

“T...

I asked Sister Claire why she insists on wearing a dirty hat to church.

She said it’s just a nasty habit.

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My doctor told me I have gynecomastia. No, I insisted, I’ve just got man boobs!

Well, he replied, now you’re just arguing some man tits.

People kept insisting that I was swimming in the world's longest river .

I couldn't believe it. I was in de Nile.

John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns ...

My plumber insists on personally using every toilet he just installed.

His mission is to boldly go where no one has gone before.

Sorry Gene. We still love you.

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The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head...

Man shoots another man five times but insists to law enforcement that it was an accident...

"How can you shoot someone five times by accident?" The officer asked.

"Well i was aiming for the man beside him but i have a lazy eye" the man said.

What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision?

Suture self.

The sticky note kept insisting to go on vacation with me.

I put him on board.

A physicist insisted on his wife giving birth on a hot air balloon.

When his son turned out to be a shame on the family, he told him: "You had so much potential!"

A young sales clerk removed an old mans sunglasses and insisted he tries on a new pair.

"I can't see myself wearing these" said the old man.

"Why not?" asked the clerk.

"Because I'm blind".

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A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning...

The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a pair of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. <...

The US government hired Stanley Kubrick to film the fake moon landing.

...but he was such a stickler for doing it right that he insisted that they film on location.

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A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man...

Stop washing your hair with shampoo!

Insist on REAL poo!

Kenny Rogers was a video game purist who insisted on teaching his kids the correct way to play.

He said, "if you're gonna play the Gameboy, you gotta learn to play it right."

I begged a judge to let me off jury duty because of my job, but he insisted that my company can do just fine without me for a few days.

But that's exactly what I don't want them to figure out.

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