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My wife came up to me the other day and said "Do these jeans make me look fat?"

I said "Do you promise not to get mad at me no matter what I say?"

"Yes"

"Okay, I fucked your sister."

The Russian Prime Minister comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish these time zones.

Putin: Why?

Prime Minister:
Ah, I can't find myself with these times. I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. Once, I woke you up at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was only evening. I called Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it...

A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act. "You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket" But, officer, I didn't catch these -- they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket.

"Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go."r>
The fisherman empties the bucket into the lake and waits patiently. A few minutes go by and nothing happens.

Game warden: So where are the fish?

Fisherman: What fish?

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These three drunk guys decide to go to the brothel. The madam sees them coming and tells the girls to just throw some blow up dolls in the rooms

These three drunk guys decide to go to the brothel. The madam sees them coming and tells the girls to just throw some blow up dolls in the rooms and turn the lights out. The guys are so drunk the won't know the difference.

30 minutes later the fellas are back out on the street. The first dru...

I don’t get all these school shooting jokes

They must be aimed at a younger audience

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On the first day of my flying lessons, I looked down nervously and asked my instructor, “What are all these buttons for?”

He said, “Those are to keep your shirt closed.”

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

Babe why did you get these new radios? Our relationship is over.

Our relationship is what? Over.

These Britishers are great !!

These Britishers are great !!



British PM Boris Johnson has been blessed with a baby boy from his girlfriend.



Johnson and Johnson have come out with a single dose Covid vaccine .



They let out an ad featuring the PM with his kid and their vaccine’s name in...

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One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"

She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!" She takes off everything and asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa replies "Hey...

I don't like these jokes

I upvote them

Did you know most people don't know the opposite to these words?

1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down

From my 4 year old: "Dad, i just realized why these things are called nappies..."

" ...because its like a napkin for your pee, so its called na-pee!"

(proud dad moment)

A retired man purchased a home near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began...

...One afternoon early into the first semester, three loud young boys came down his street, beating merrily on every bin they came across. They then did so the following day and the day after that, until finally the retiree decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walke...

I’m sick and tired of all these people farming karma on their cake day.

Anyways, an upvote would be appreciated.

My mum keeps moaning about the cost of things these days. £2.50 for a sandwich, £1.50 for coffee, £12.50 for a Sunday lunch....

So I say to her, “look Mum, my house, my prices!”

What does a catholic, a Jew, a Muslim, and a black person have in common these days?

None of them know how it feels to be discriminated against at a water fountain

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After all these years, my wife still finds me sexy

Everytime I walk by, she says, "What an ASS"

Your past self is an a-hole for leaving all these chores for you to do

...luckily your future self surely has more time than you now have, so you can rely on him doing them

Kids these days have no idea how good it was growing up in the 90s!

(born on December 31st, 1999)

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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"



"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terri...

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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

Why did Mrs. Claus finally leave Santa after all these years?

She found out about his other two hos.

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A profession golfer driving his Porsche picked up an Irish girl hitchhiker. He had his golfing gear on the back seat. The Irish girl picked up something and asked, "What are these?" "Those are tees," he said. "I rest my balls on them when I drive."

"Wow!" said the girl. "What will those car makers think of next!"

Kids these days don't know what good clean fun is!

Frankly, I don't know what good it is either!

I can't believe people have no compliance with traffic rules these days

When I was on highway, everyone was driving in wrong direction.

I went to a dance with one girl and came home with another- and there’s still resentment all these years later...

I said- “C’mon, Honey, there’ll be other, Daddy/Daughter dances!”

You got to admit these civil war reenactments are getting more efficient

Nowadays it only takes a couple hours for the confederacy to surrender

An Irish fellow in New York turns to the gentleman next to him....

“Well hey there friend! Where do ya hail from?”

“I’m from Ireland.”

“No kidding! I’m from Ireland myself! What part of Ireland?”

“Grew up in Wexford.”

“Wexford?! No kidding! I grew up in Wexford myself!”

“Well what are the chances of that?! Say, what secondary scho...

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Two guys are getting ready for a costume party...

But there's a catch: The host said they have to get dressed up as 'emotions.'

So the first guy goes home and sticks his dick in a pear.

The second guy goes home and sticks his dick in a big bowl of custard.

They show up at the party together and knock on the door. The host opens...

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, ...

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are going to kill me!”

“I am sorry, honey,” I replied. “What is wrong?”

I kept having these crazy dreams where I woke up covered in Tyre tracks...

My Psychiatrist is convinced I'm a 'cycle-path'

I'm getting really sick of these Amber Alerts...

They either wake you up at three in the morning or broadcast your license plate to the whole world.

Cake day joke in these times

Q: What do you call a baker with a cold?

A: Coughee cake

With all my high level degrees and PHD's, I stumbled upon these questions.........

1. If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?...

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Rearrange these letters to from words

1.pneis
2.buttsxe

Did u get *spine* and *subtext*

yeah neither did i

Politicians these days.

A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.

“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”

The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “...

My bullies broke my MP3 player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tommorow, I'll bring an MP5.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no.

Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.

A lot of comedians these days have a major issue with 'woke' people

Bill Cosby, for instance...

People these days recoil at the idea of brain transplants becoming possible in the near future.

Just wait until we develop the technology. They'll change their minds.

Everyone's been saying these are "trying times"

I've gotta disagree. I haven't tried at all in 10 months

There were these two blonds and they locked their keys in their car...

The one blonde says to the other, "What do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?"

The other one replied, "No, people will think we're trying to break in."

The other one said, "Well do we get a knife and cut the rubber and pop the lock?"

The other one answered," No, p...

"Honey we gotta go through these clothes, keep or throw?"

"Dave, I've been trying to tell you-"

"Keep or throw?"

"Dave, please let me fini-"

"KEEP or THROW!"

"I'm pregnant."

"..... Keep or throw?"

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There was a man who had 3 girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it.

The first 1 went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The 2nd one went out and bought new golf clubs, a Dvd player, a televis...

I'm getting tired of these targeted ads. I just saw one for funeral services ffs!

That's the last thing I need!

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Three new cellmates are contemplating their life sentences in prison.

The first guy pulls out a deck of playing cards and says, "Don't worry, guys. I brought these cards with me so that we can play poker to pass the time."

The second guy pulls out a harmonica and says, "I brought this harmonica so that I can play some music to cheer us up when we're feeling dow...

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I absolutely love and admire the unintellignt, overweight, yellowish-orange skinned man with the bad combover covering his baldness who has had his finger on the nuclear button all these years...

Wait... I was talking about Homer Simpson, who did you think I meant?

A boy is selling fish on a corner.

To get his customers' attention, he begins yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!"

A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, ...

These times are harder on people with disabilities.

My dwarf friend is struggling to put food on the table

A woman placed an ad in a news paper. 'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements.

1. He shouldn't beat me.
2. He shouldn't leave me.

Third and most important.

3. He should be great in bed.


One week later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.

The man said, "Hi, I'm Peter. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't hav...

These Covid travel restrictions are getting a bit much..

.. things are so bad, the US had to organise a coup at home!

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A soap factory had a problem.

They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the bar inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important these relationships were, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve th...

The other day I saw this huge crowd of dodgy looking people lining up at the local morgue, they were all leaving with these big heavy looking bags over their shoulders. I could just tell something illegal was going on.

It was a dead giveaway

A handsome man went into a hotel and asked to see the boss. When the boss came, the story began.

\-Client: is room 39 empty?

\-Boss: yes, sir.

\-Client: can I book it?

\-Boss: of course you can.

\-Client: thank you.

Before going to the room, the client asked the boss to provide him with a black knife, a white thread 39 cm and an orange 73g. The boss agr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I love how these “vegans'' still drink water

that's a fish's house you bitch!

These days, people are always having their food delivered.

Why don't they just order it without the livers?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to the doctor suffering from severe headaches.

After a thorough examination, the doctor turned to him and said: "Jerry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration." "You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates these serious headaches...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My son, 9 years old told me these jokes on different days and I wrote them all down as he told them.

What did the the dancer say when he found proof:

he found evi-dance

What did the lazy person buy at the store?

A Nap-kin

What is a goldfishes favorite story?

Goldilocks

What did the musician say when he was safe?

I’m safe and SOUND.

What do bu...

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So the other day I said to me wife - you know seems like these days we only have Social Security sex."

She gives me a strange look - "Social Security sex?"

I said "Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.

The first Jewish President of the United States is elected

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit for the inauguration and stay with me for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know, cab fa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You b*****d!

A man was brought before the court to recieve his verdict.

"For the murder of your mother-in-law with numerous blows to the head with a hammer, we, the jury, find you guilty."

A voice in the back yells:

"You bastard!"

"For the murder of your wife with numerous blows to t...

Recently became a dad and now these are popping in my head: What is it called when you are made fun of in a dream?

Sleep Deprecation

After all these years I was finally able to hang my brother

s stocking on the mantle! Happy Holidays!

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Pe...

A man gets stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.

Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?

Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish

Warden: your pet fish? How’s that?

Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about a half hour, and then I whistle and they all come back and j...

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the sale...

Guy 1: "There were these three bright women I liked that I tried asking out..."

..."the first was a mother with a high earning job, but had no luck with her as she seemed too engaged in her work life and ignored me. The next was a university student who nearly had a degree in medicine, but she just frowned angrily at me and later said she didn't want to see me ever again. Then ...

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