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These Jokes

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So Joe had these headaches...

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

Burglars are getting very clever these days.

Last night, my wife woke me up, “Darling! Darling! There's a burglar downstairs!!”

So I go down, check every room and don't find anyone. Then I realized I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and TV were gone.

Honey, I just bought these special olympic style condoms!

Husband- "Honey, I just bought these special olympic style condoms!"

Wife- "Olympic style condoms, what makes them so speical?"

Husband- "They come in 3 colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze."

Wife- "Oo, sweet. What color are you gonna wear tonight?"

Husband- "Gold ofc!"
...

Why is helium so expensive these days?

Because of all the inflation.

I have a fondness for "technically true" jokes, like these:

Did you know that the average person has an above-average number of legs? After all, most people have two legs, while a few have none.


Did you know that if you shuffle a deck of cards, the resulting order has likely never existed before in the history of the universe?



Eve...

My wife asked me "do I look fat in these jeans?"

I said "promise not to be mad whatever I say?"

She replied "yes of course!"

I said "I banged your sister".

So, these two engineers are trying to determine the height of a flagpole...

...A blonde woman wearing a tool belt and hardhat comes walking by, notices the engineers with their problem and goes over to help. She loosens the bolts at the base of the pole, lays it down on its side, then takes her tape measure and runs it down the side of the pole.

"26 feet 6 inches" S...

These damn millennials...

Walking around like they rent the place

I'm sick and tired of this "everybody wins" mentality kids have these days.

Seriously, they never exercise, lie in bed 12 hours a day, and sit down far more often than they stand up. And they still get atrophy.

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Grandpa tells his grandson, "All you kids do these days is play video games."

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

I don't understand all these jokes about mothers-in-law.

Mine is sweet, supportive, and a great influence on me and my wife. I can't say anything bad about her.

What do all these Leonardo DiCaprio jokes have in common?

They’re all so childish..

Nothing is built in America these days. I just bought a TV and it said “Built In Antenna”

I don’t even know where that is!

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There’s these three guys, and they’re sitting around a table.

The first guy says “You know what, I’m fast.
I think I’m so fast, I might be the fastest guy in the world”
So his buddies time him, take a picture, and send it to the Guinness book of world records.

The second guy says “You know what, I’m tall.
I think I’m so tall, I might be the...

A lot of people are pretty upset about "fat shaming" jokes these days

Maybe they need to lighten up

I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can't even say black paint

You have to say

Leroy, please paint that wall

So these two ladies walk into a mortician's office.

The first woman says to the mortician, "I've got my husband here in his very best blue suit, but what I'd really appreciate is if you could have him in a black suit for the funeral. Here's a blank check, use whatever you need, I just want him in a black suit."

The mortician agrees and thanks...

The Russian Prime Minister comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish these time zones.

Putin: Why?

Prime Minister:
Ah, I can't find myself with these times. I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. Once, I woke you up at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was only evening. I called Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it...

Gamers these days have no patience.

Two thousand years ago, respawn wait times were *three days*

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Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?

Interviewer: Brown one.

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer: And the black one?

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?...

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So sick of double standards these days.

When a dog licks his balls in public, nobody says anything. But when I do it, people yell "what are you doing to your dog, you sick fuck?"

Confederate statues these days...

[removed]

Who composes all these blonde jokes?

Brunettes do, during the lonely winter evenings.

All these people having threesomes, twosomes, and even the occasional foursomes

All I ever have are handsomes

These times are harder on people with disabilities.

My dwarf friend is struggling to put food on the table

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

America is sure having some bad luck these days.

It's almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground or something.

My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are going to kill me!”

“I am sorry, honey,” I replied. “What is wrong?”

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On the first day of my flying lessons, I looked down nervously and asked my instructor, “What are all these buttons for?” He explained calmly...

“Those are to keep your shirt closed.”

These bloody "Among Us" jokes have really run their course!

Sorry, I just had to vent.

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People keep grouping all Trump supporters with these Nazi movements recently, which I disagree with and think is quite silly.

After all, the Russians fought *against* the Nazis.

I'm Black. So I can't be racist. But these suckers keep telling me that I am.

"Jake, you can't call yourself Black just because you went to jail once. That is racist"

All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh...

But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme.

A majority of English Speakers do not know the opposite of these words...

Always, Coming, From, Take, Me, Down.

What kind of berries are these?

\- What kind of berries are these?

\- These are red Currants

\- Then Why are they yellow?

\- Because they are green



Joke explanation for those who didn't understand really fun and smart joke.

So this joke is from Lithuania (it is a country in Europe) So fo...

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These fucking Pi jokes today

are going to be endless.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighte...

Did you know most people don't know the opposite to these words?

1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down

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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

So these three clowns were eating a cannibal.

One of them said "I think we started this joke wrong."

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Theres these two onions.

Male onion female onion, rolling along then *pop* bang into each other. Instant rapport, a torrential affair begins they couldnt get enough of each other. Pretty soon an onion bonding is occurred not long after that they think to tie the knot, get together, make it legal.

Their union was ble...

A woman placed an ad in a news paper. 'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements.

1. He shouldn't beat me.
2. He shouldn't leave me.

Third and most important.

3. He should be great in bed.


One week later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.

The man said, "Hi, I'm Peter. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't hav...

Children are so unappreciative these days.

I bought my daughter a rabbit.

She just keeps complaining about how it "doesn't count if it's roadkill".

These two guys had just gotten divorces and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a trader’s store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."
The trader got the gear together and on top of each one’s supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.
The guys said "What’s that board for?"
The tr...

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

I love these definitions!

\-- Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.



\-- Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.



\-- Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.



\-- Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. ...

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These pride of lions is walking down a path in the jungle when one lion licks the

Licks the ass of the lion in front of him. The lion in front says. Hay. What's the deal with licking my ass ? And the second lion says. I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth.

All of these presidents are so corrupted

Except for Abraham Lincoln, he was in a cent.

How running a business in these days feels

The taxation office suspected a business owner wasn't paying proper wages to his employee and sent an auditor to investigate him.

Auditor: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Business Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $5,0...

I'm sick of all these bri'ish jokes...

I'm British and i love T.

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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"

"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filt...

A scientist walks into an AA meeting. “I’ve just invented a cure for alcoholism! Take one of these pills and you’ll never be a problem drinker again!”

An attendee replies: “What happens if you take two?”

I, for one, support these crazy killers dressing up like clowns.

It was a lot harder to see them coming when they were dressing like cops.

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I object to all of the sex on the TV, these days...

I mean, I keep falling off!

I meet these genie.

He asked: “Who is the person you dislike the most?” I told him that it would be my mother-in-law. He explained to me that I get three wishes but whatever I wish for my mother-in-law gets double of.

My first wish: “I want one mansion.” My mother-in-law gets two mansions.

My second wish:...

One of these days my wife is going to realize I’m always right…

Except for when I disagree with her.

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

4 million of these people...

### 4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!...

"Hey, can you help me sharpen these throwing stars?"

"Shuriken"

There's so much nudity on TV these days, it makes me so angry.

I just sit there, shaking my fist.

Writers these days have become so lazy

They’re remaking the first Writer’s Strike

I'm so sick of all these REPOSTS

For 25 years I have been working day and night to find the originator of the first joke. I think I may have found it in the original Hebrew Bible.

Adam spoketh to Eve and said, "Now see the mess thou has got us into. I should never have listened to you."

Eve replied, "How the hell was ...

Kids these days are so stupid

They actually believe I've got chocolate in my van

So these finance bros are telling me “buy the dip”…

I don’t see ranch on sale.

Was hoping to buy one, get horseradish free.

After seeing the price of insurance these days

I've decided it's cheaper to just get robbed

These two lifelong friends are talking...

And one of them says, "Hey, my friend, we're getting up in years now, life ain't forever; you ever, y'know, think about the hereafter?"

The other replies, "Sure thing, I think about it every day."

"Every day?"

"Yep. Not a day goes by I don't go into the garage or the kitchen ...

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These three drunk guys decide to go to the brothel. The madam sees them coming and tells the girls to just throw some blow up dolls in the rooms

These three drunk guys decide to go to the brothel. The madam sees them coming and tells the girls to just throw some blow up dolls in the rooms and turn the lights out. The guys are so drunk the won't know the difference.

30 minutes later the fellas are back out on the street. The first dru...

These exchanges were recorded verbatim by court reporters and published in the book, "Disorder in the American Courts".

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

WITNESS: How would I know?
___...

So my drug dealer got me these new shoes..

And I don't know what he laced them with.. But I've been tripping all day

I have trouble keeping their jobs these days...

First I was working at a potato farm, but then I was sacked.

Next it was the tuna factory, but then I was canned.

Next I tried being a lumberjack, but then I got axed.

Next I found an opening at the crematorium, but then I was fired.

Next I screwed up at the gun manufactu...

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Uranus - These a re all true BTW

Uranus is full of gas.
Uranus smells like farts.
Uranus craps diamonds.
Uranus is a cold, cold place.
NASA flew by Uranus and snapped lots of pics.
Uranus is huge.
We can see Uranus with the naked eye.
Uranus is bleeding is an actual astrological (not astronomical...

I can't stand all these negative horses

I've got no time for neigh sayers

People these days think all kids in the 90s listened to boomboxes.

That’s just a stereotype.

You know what jokes are trendy these days ?

Inside jokes.

Hopefully at least one more day of these Canada fires...

...I gotta brisket hanging on the porch.

I would be SHOCKED if you haven’t heard about these new corduroy pillows.

I mean, they’re making headlines all over the world.

My dating life is just like these UFOs

Always getting shot down!

There were these two guys from Alabama ...

Who loved to fish, and they wanted to try some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada and they took off for up there.

The lakes were frozen nicely! So they stopped just before they got to a lake at a little bait shop to get all their tackle. Bob looked at Ed and said, "We're going t...

So the doctor gave me these pills

And he said I need to take one pill everyday for the rest of my life.

I looked at the bottle and said, "But doc, there are only three pills in here."

My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days...

My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days. He says it could be a lot worse , I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water.

I know he means well.

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A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam."

The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.
The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way."
He explains to her why they are dam fish.
Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the da...

I’ve got all these plane crash jokes…

…they just never seem to land.

Christian’s these days only believe in like 12.5% of the Bible

I swear most are Eighth-iest

Seeing all of these coffee jokes lately..

Im getting Deja Brew

Kids these days...

It was a very rainy day and the new kindergarten teacher was helping her children wear their galoshes. It was a tiresome job involving much pushing and shoving.

Finally it was young Barry's turn. The teacher pushed and pushed and finally helped him into his galoshes.

"You know," said ...

So, what do you suppose Beethoven is doing these days?

Decomposing

I’m fed up with all these Chuck Norris jokes on this Sub!

If he’s such a tough badass, I dare him to come over here and smash my face against my keybhrbhdbvdggdvrvvhdhdbsbhdhebb

Have you seen these frog-skin condoms?

They're ribbet for her pleasure.

I'm getting really sick of these Amber Alerts...

They either wake you up at three in the morning or broadcast your license plate to the whole world.

Banks need to be better at restocking these ATMs at Xmas….

This is the 5 th one I have been to that said insufficient funds

I’m doing pretty well financially these days.

My bank just said my debt is outstanding!

So many people these days are too judgemental.

I can tell just by looking at them.

*Farmer's market* Wife: I'm buying these vegetables for my husband. Have you sprayed these with any poisonous chemicals?

Farmer: No madam, you'll have to do that yourself.

Fat people get a lot of humiliation these days

This has to stop, being fat is already such a difficult thing. To deal with all the jokes and humiliation is so difficult. If you are fat and someone behaved bad with you for being fat, don't let that weigh you down. You already have a lot weighing you down.

I don't believe in superstitious stuff, but these crystals I bought a week ago have been amazing.

I've been happier, more focused, and even started losing some weight.

Plus, I'm good friends with the guy selling them and I got them pretty cheaply.

Not only that, but he was nice enough to throw in a glass pipe to smoke the meth with.

“Grandpa, these dishes on the dinner table are a little dirty”

Grandfather replied: “there as clean as cold water can get ‘em”

Next day:

“Grandpa these dishes are still dirty, do we not have much cold water?”

Grandpa: “cold water runs all day, so those dishes are as clean as cold water can get”

“Alright, whatever you say”
...

I'm getting sick of all these reboots of old classics

Cold War (2022) is not as good as the original.

Easily lose weight by cutting these two things out of your diet:

Breakfast and dinner.

My dad told me this joke please laugh.

There were these two blonds and they locked their keys in their car...

The one blonde says to the other, "What do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?"

The other one replied, "No, people will think we're trying to break in."

The other one said, "Well do we get a knife and cut the rubber and pop the lock?"

The other one answered," No, p...

These Cthulu memes I've seen now and again, need to get some new material

All I ever see are Old Ones.

A bear walks into a 7/11 He gets a 12 pack and walks up to the clerk and says "I'll take these."

The clerk is stunned, so he heads to the back to speak with the owner. "Hey boss" he says, "there's a bear asking for a beer." The owner pauses for a second, then replies "Well then sell it to him, but charge him double. Bears don't know the price of beer." So the clerk heads back out front and sell...

I'm getting a little tired of these people coming to my door telling me I need to be "saved" or "I'll burn"...

Stupid firefighters.

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These bottles are labeled “Budweiser.”

But my friend keeps saying dumber and dumber shit.

I'm sick of these double standards

When Venus poses naked on a seashell she is "beautiful" and "a goddess", but when I do it I'm "drunk" and "banned from the Sea Life Centre".

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Kids are so ungrateful these days.

I got my 11 year old nephew a trampoline for his birthday, and instead of thanking me, the little cunt just sat in his wheelchair and cried.

All these jokes about Hamlet on top of a dictionary are getting tiresome

When it's just a play on words.

Which one of these is a deadly virus?

A. Bola

B. Bola

C. Bola

D. Bola

E. Bola

All these people are so quick to criticize Melania Trump for wanting to take on cyber bullying when that's something her husband has a problem with

But no one criticized Laura Bush for wanting to teach kids how to read

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People are offended by the smallest things these days

So please keep your dick in your pants

Right enough of these “2020 vision” jokes

I don’t want to make a spectacle of myself

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Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.

The inspector released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."

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"Anything these days," I told my wife.

She frowned at me.

"What's that?" she asked.

"Anything these days," I said.

"Huh?" she asked.

"Anything these days," I said.

"I don't understand. Explain?" she asked.

"Anything these days," I said.

She sighed and shrugged.

"Are you crazy, honey...

All these websites asking me to accept these cookies...

But I still haven’t gotten even one of them!

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Why these two fingers?

For my cake day, I present /r/jokes with a favorite of mine, told to me by my uncle during a cousin's wedding. I make no claims as to its origin, nor to the relative awesomeness of my family:

Uncle: "Hey, got a joke for ya. *(holds out first and middle fingers)* Why should a woman always ...

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[OC] These con artists tried to sell me a glass dildo.

Fortunately, I could see through the hole-fucking thing.

Dave Grohl’s kid: Dad, these cakes you made for the school fundraiser are great, but we’re one short.

Dave Grohl: I’VE GOT ANOTHER CONFECTION TO MAKE!

Ghosts, what is it with them these days?

They go round going ‘whooooo whooooo’, what is that all about. They need to get a life.

These Farmers got arrested!

Did you hear why the celery farmer got arrested?

For stalking

Did you hear about the hay farmer that got arrested?

He’s out on bail

Did you hear about the root vegetable farmer that got arrested?

He beet up his friend with a potato and didn’t carrot all.

People hate the police so much these days...

...that even Sting has stopped performing "Every Breath You Take."

Why does the conservative agenda seem to be fill-in-the-blank these days?

Because they only care about Mad Libs!

Waiter! These potatoes taste powdery.

Yes sir. We use only the finest ingredients.

These climate change activists need to relax, i don’t have a carbon footprint

I Just drive everywhere instead

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People don't know how lucky they have it these days...

When I was younger and wanted to look at sexy pictures, I had to sneak the Sears catalogue into my bedroom to look at the underwear and swimsuit pages.

But nowadays... anyone can hop on any smart device and just go directly to sears dot com

I hate these double standards.

If you burn a body at a crematorium you’re "doing a good job" if you do it at home you’re “destroying evidence”

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I have these weird muscle spasms in my gluteus maximus,

I figured out from my doctor that everything was alright:


They said "Weird flex, butt okay."

I'm sick and tired of these 18 yr old with attitude.

Everywhere I go they strut around acting like they rent the place.

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So these three guys died on Christmas ...

When St. Peter greeted them at the Pearly Gates, he informed them that because they died on Christmas, each would have to show that he has something on his person related to Christmas in order to be admitted to the Kingdom of Heaven.

The first guy reaches in his pocket and pulls out a white e...

Everyone's using 24hr clock these days but I don't like it.

Not on my watch.

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After all these years, my wife still finds me sexy

Everytime I walk by, she says, "What an ASS"

Why do the athletes sweat a lot more at these Olympics than at the last ones?

There are no fans. (I'll let myself out)

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Christmas these days is a lot like having sex...

...the build up is great, but when it finally comes, I regret spending all that money.

So there's these two beavers...

one is named Joe and the other, Steven. Joe and Steven have a fire. Joe decides he's hungry so he grabs a pan and some sticks.

Steven runs over and says "Joe what are you doing?" And says "im just grilling up some sticks."

Steven immediately smacks the pan from Joe's paw and says
...

These COVID test results are ridiculously priced

I keep paying through the nose for them

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These are genuine clips from council complaint letters

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it h...

I’m sick and tired of these millennial weathermen...

In my day, only the raining champion got an award, but nowadays everyone wants a precipitation trophy.

These jokes about Ukraine are like COVID.

Tasteless.

So these male two car salesmen are good friends…

One day at work one of the car salesmen says “can you hand me that little booklet with the information about the car?” And the other responds with “Bro, sure.”

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There were these three guys at the lake, a German, an Englishman and a Nigerian.

The German took out his dick, put it in the water, waited a while and told the others: "I can feel the water it's a 32 degrees Celsius".


The other two were amazed. "Let me try", the Englishman said. So he put his organ in the water, waited and said: "To be more exact, the temperature i...

I'm no Trumper but these so called "health experts" are liars!

They said a mask and gloves was enough to go to the grocery store!!

When I got there, everyone else also had clothes on :/

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