UPJOKE
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Cannot Jokes

We cannot allow this year to end

That would be admitting that 2021

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Dave cannot make his wife cum.

He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."

The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"

"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"

"Then get some air-con"

"I can't afford air-con, I'm too poor"

"Well, Dave, do you h...

Cannot wait to become a proud American!

I'm not immigrating or anything, I'm just not proud to be American.

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A married couple were sitting at their dinner table when the wife says, "I cannot believe it!"

The husband looks up and asks, "you can't believe what?"

The wife turns her phone around and shows him what she was reading.

"Did you know, in Las Vegas, you can make $400 just for giving a BJ! Easy money! Fuck you, I'm out of here!"

She goes to the bedroom and starts packing a...

I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.

I thought it would be a piece of cake!

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They say you cannot hurt yourself whilst masterbating

But I managed to pull it off

When Kanye says “to find out who rules over you, look at who you cannot criticize”, does he mean…

kids with leukaemia? or battered wives?

The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19.

Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

I cannot tell a lie.

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favour?"

"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"

"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remov...

How does a Trump supporter explain why they cannot perform in bed?

Erection fraud.

The eclipse did two things our political leaders cannot.

It slowed global warming and gave us all something to look up to

What is a chameleon that cannot change color?

A reptile dysfunction

I like big words and I cannot

prevaricate.

My girlfriend texted me that the relationship cannot continue because I played too much video games.

Looks like it was my Destiny 2 break up with her.

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Cannot believe the new Chocolate Factory prequel movie is unimaginatively titled “Wonka”…

I mean we had “Young Sheldon”, so why can’t we have “Small Willy”?

It would be a much better fit.

A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said: “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!”

The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”

A Russian had a talking parrot that constantly trashed Putin. When the man's friends came over he'd take out the parrot and bird would stuff like "Putin is a moron", "Putin without a shirt looks like a ballerina", and "Putin cannot swim cuz sh!t floats". one day banging on the door, "KGB open up!"

The man panics and hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB ransack the house and can't find the parrot. After they leave the man takes the parrot out of the freezer and says "you see how stupid the government is". The parrot shaking start saying "Putin is a genius", and "Putin is the best democrati...

You cannot RUN through a campsite, you can only RAN through a campsite.

Because it's past tents

What's something a dentist can say but a gynecologist cannot?

I'm a dentist.


EDIT: Do not read the comments they are not very appropriate.

EDIT 2: Okay people seem to be making a different type of joke to my prompt so I've decided to attach an alternate version: >!I'm not a gynecologist.!<

EDIT 3: This post wouldn't have had to b...

Words cannot describe how beautiful you are..

But numbers can: 2/10

Levar Burton cannot replace Mayim Bialik as the host of the show...

Because Captain Picard would never willingly put a member of his crew in Jeopardy.

If you cannot find your dog, open the fridge door.

He’s standing right behind you.

Trump: "We cannot let a woman be president!"

Staff: "That's not what transition team means, sir."

My wife said, “For the life of me, I cannot remember the name of The Hunchback of Notre Dame.”

Me: Does ….Quasimodo ring a bell?

There is a French kid at school that just cannot sit still....

he's Oliver DuPlace

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A Mexican man cannot find work and finally heads home for the evening.

On his way home, he finds a cross at the bottom of a hill. So he kneels and prays to God, "Please God, let me find a way to feed my family".


At the top of this hill, a black man was walking home from grocery shopping when the bottom of his bag gave out and a cheese wheel rolled straight ...

What bet you cannot win?

Alphabet.

What was two wings, but cannot fly; two eyes, but cannot see; and two legs, but cannot walk?

A dead bird.

Graphing calculators cannot be trusted.

Theyre plotting something, I can feel it.

What kind of bait cannot be used for fishing?

The Answer Will Shock You!

One cannot cancel paradox..

What do they say about men who try to hard?

The same thing they say about women who don’t try hard enough.

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot ...

A scientist cannot tell the formula for Nitrogen Oxide.

All of them say NO. Weird.

Apparently you cannot use 'beef stew' as a password

it's not Stroganoff

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Wife: I cannot believe you had sex with my sister!

Husband: I walked in the room and she was lying there naked! What was I supposed to do?

Wife: The Autopsy!

I recently told my doctor that I cannot deal with people without feet.

He says I'm lack toes intolerant.

It's fine though, because from what I hear, they cannot stand themselves.

I just cannot get into reading chinese fiction

There are just too many characters...

I'm cannot stand to live with my flatmate anymore

She doesnt clean the flat, she doesn't cook and she basically just uses me for free rides.

I'm want to move so badly but my boyfriend says "we can't abandon our daughter."

Don't let anyone tell you what you can or cannot do.

Look at Beethoven. Everyone told him he'll never be a musician because he was deaf.

But did he listen?

One man cannot change the world ...

Unless obviously he eats an uncooked bat soup, then by all means!

The W.H.O officially announced that dogs cannot get infected by the Coronavirus. Therefore, dogs can basically leave quarantine.

So, i guess you could say.... W.H.O let the dogs out.

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A little known rule: You cannot be circumcised if you are running for political office in the US.

You need to be a complete dick.

Uncle came over for Christmas, and told me these wisdoms: "Forget the future, you cannot predict it. Forget the past, you cannot change it."

"And forget the present, I didn't get you one."

I'm starting a group for people who cannot climax.

Let me know if you cant come.

If you call people who cannot see blind, what do you call people who cannot hear?

Nothing. Why bother calling them names when they can’t hear!

Bloody Passwords

PASSWORD PROBLEMS:

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage



WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
...

Condoms cannot be considered safe

A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a car.

I honestly cannot deal with puns.

But I can with a deck of cards.

You cannot fit inside a tuna can

But a tuna can

Absolutely cannot wait for Brexit.

We make nothing in Britain these days;just noticed on the back of my TV it says ‘Built in Antenna’- this is a country I’ve never even heard of.

Wolverine cannot become a muslim.

It grows back!

Vladimir Putin consulted with a fortune teller. He asked:

"How long will I live?"

The psychic replied:
"I cannot tell that but I do know you will die on a Ukrainian holiday."

"Which holiday?" Putin asked.

"Whichever day you die will be a Ukrainian holiday."

Cannot get milk for my coffee, in space.

Once their Crew Dragon craft made it to safely to space, and they were headed toward the International Space Station, Bob Behnken completed some reports and then decided to have a cup of coffee. Well, a pouch of coffee anyway. Still, it was coffee, and thanks to SpaceX's desire to make space trave...

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I cannot understanf why Marvel haven't put advertisements on the Hulk...

... He is essentially a giant banner

What's one thing a sniper cannot say to their significant other?

"I missed you this morning!"

Dogs cannot be racist.

They can't see color.

Bob calls his job foreman on Monday morning and says “I cannot come to work today. I’m a very sick man”.

The foreman replies “this is 2 Monday’s in a row that you’ve called out saying you’re sick. Do you have a drinking problem?”

Bob responds “I’m not an alcoholic. But my brother in law is. And for the last few weeks he’s been drinking too much and hitting my sister. So she comes to my house to ...

I cannot get on board with colonizing Venus

I don't work well under pressure and I don't like toxic work environments.

What’s long and yellow and cannot swim?

A school bus full of children

I cannot tell a lie.

Washington: "I cannot tell a lie"
Nixon: "I cannot tell the truth"
Trump: "I cannot tell the difference"

- Mom, I've lost 2 kilograms and now I'm so worried that I cannot even sleep…

\- Mom, I've lost 2 kilograms and now I'm so worried that I cannot even sleep…

\- Son, don't panic, it's only 2 kilograms, no big deal.

\- Well, there are some Colombians who'd disagree with you mom…

Three things I cannot stand:

* stupid people
* judgemental people
* double standards
* people who can't count
* lists
* irony

My roommate cannot remember if he took his anti anxiety medication or not.

I said, “Are you worried about it?”

You cannot sue a Slipper making company for an accident.

Apparently 'slipper' isn't a noun, but an adjective in this case.

Doctor told my wife that she cannot touch anything alcoholic for the next three months.

Now I’m not allowed to go near her...

Your beauty cannot be contained by the set of all real numbers.

That's because it's imaginary.

On Soviet Twitter, you cannot sign in with email

You can only use your ussrname

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To this day, biologists still cannot figure out the two greatest mysteries about spiders:

Where the fuck did it come from?

Where the fuck did it just go?

Did you know a nose cannot be 12 inches long?

Otherwise it’d be a foot!

What is it called when an alligator cannot get hard?

Ereptile dysfunction

A German man walks into a McDonald's in the United States...

After waiting in line, he finally gets to the counter, and he orders a pint of beer, because you can get beer at McDonalds in Germany.

An American customer overhears the man's order, and he approaches the German man and says, "How could you be so stupid? you cannot order beer here." while lau...

Sinks cannot open doors

Let that sink in

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A little girl runs up to her mother and says "mummy, daddy hanged himself in the basement!"

Upon hearing the news the mother breaks down in tears and, shakily, makes her way into the basement.

When they get there, the woman cannot see the father's corpse.
The little girl then exclaims "April fools! Daddy did it in the garage"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife: My gynaecologist told me that I cannot have sex for a month

Husband: That's all fine, did your dentist say anything

What do you call an object through which light cannot pass?

A cisparent object

So, as everyone knows, two different species (flavors) of cheerios cannot mate, right?

That is, if one is honey-nut and another is blueberry, they cannot mate. Anyway, there is this one normal cheerio that is in love with a blueberry cheerio. Unfortunately, he cannot mate with her. He can't even communicate with her because they are of different species. So, he invents a machine that ...

A lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said

"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady : "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed : "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!...

No Sir, I cannot "go to Hell"...

Satan still has a restraining order on me...

Why mathematicians cannot get over divorce

They keep asking x = y

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Judge: Look here Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce from Minnie.

Mickey (stunned): Why not?

Judge: I have reviewed all the information you gave the court, but i can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy.

Mickey (exasperated): Your honour! I didn't say she was crazy...

...I said she was fucking Goofy!

The math professor explained "two negatives becomes a positive, but two positives cannot become a negative"

A student rolled his eyes and said  "Yeah, yeah"

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Three guys discuss whose wife is the most stupid.

"Mine bought a kitchen for $10,000 - and she cannot even cook!"

"Yeah, mine bought a car for $20,000 - and she cannot drive!"

"Ah, that's nothing. Mine bought 100 condoms for a business trip - and she does not even have a penis!"

Alright so hear me out, if the big bang was 13.8 billion years ago, and matter cannot be created nor destroyed, and all our bodies are made of matter, that mean we're all 13.8 billion years old...

so in conclusion yes officer she was old enough.

Who's the one person Medusa cannot turn to stone?

Dwayne Johnson

I cannot wait for my date tonight.

Dates really are the best part of ramadan

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The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.

This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

The world cannot possibly be flat...

... otherwise cats would have pushed everything known to mankind off the edge.

Always remember that money cannot buy you love

It can, however, buy you a mansion, a yacht, a nice suit, and a fancy European sports car. After that, you'll be beating love off with a stick.

I don’t understand people who say they cannot wear masks because of their big nose

I wear my underwear everyday and don’t complain

My gym teacher told me that I cannot wear any religious socks ..

He said, "Do not bring your holy socks to class"

Your annual reminder that computer programmers cannot tell Christmas from Halloween

because DEC(25) = OCT(31)

There four things we simply cannot choose in this life

1. Our parents
2. Our nationality
3. Our physical attributes
4. The Russian president

If you cannot pee...

Urine trouble!

What has legs, feet, and runs but cannot go anywhere by itself?

A pair of pantyhose.

It is a myth that you cannot breathe underwater

You can breathe out, just not in.

What do you call a dictionary that cannot leave taking drugs?

Addictionary.

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