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My wife doesn't understand why I prefer to play Mario Kart over having relations with her

In Mario Kart, it is a GOOD thing when I finish first

Why do females prefer guitarists?

Because of their fingering technique

Why do blondes prefer to buy cars with sun roof?

Because there's more leg room.

What pronouns do Amber Heard’s lawyers prefer?

Hear/say

I got fired from my job because I kept asking the customers if they prefer smoking or nonsmoking.

Apparently the correct terms are "Cremation" and "Burial".

Why does a programmer prefer dark mode?

Because light attracts bugs

Our Pharmaceutical company's records show that people prefer Pill A and Pill B...

But I think Pill O is being slept on.

My preferred reddit username is like my preferred partner.

Both are already taken.

What are a chocolate kiss’ preferred pronouns?

Her/she

How do pirates prefer to communicate?

Aye to Aye!

What do you call couples that use the rhythm method as their preferred form of birth control?

Parents

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Some people prefer to cum in a jar

I prefer to jack in a box

My wife asked which of her friends would I prefer for a threesome.

Apparently I was supposed to stop at one.

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A hammer’s preferred foreplay…

Fingerbangin’

My friend handed me a peach. I told him I prefer pears.

So he handed me another one.

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A woman got married not long after high school and her husband broke her heart when he ran off with another woman. She eventually got back into the dating scene, and fell in love again with another man. They married but he turned out to be an asshole who hit her when he was angry.

She divorced him as well. Over time she met a third man who seemed perfect for her in every way but one- he was terrible in bed. She married him anyway, reasoning that sex would improve the more they knew eachother but it didn’t, and after a year she finally divorced him.

Having now been div...

I started a 100 subject survey on which shampoo women prefer to use...

Only got to the 3rd shower before i was arrested.

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What do you prefer? Breasts or Thighs?

I replied : "Personality".

Wonder why the butcher glared at me.

Yo mamma so fat, her preferred pronoun is

There

Why do they actually prefer non-swimmers in the Navy?

They defend their ship with a lot more enthusiasm.

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

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I was asked if I prefer breasts or thighs. I told 'em I always go for the personality.

The butcher was confused.

Everyone is a fan of the 69 position but I prefer the 68.

That's when you blow me and I owe you one.

Why do cannibals prefer to eat pregnant women?

Because of the kinder surprise and the extra portion milk.

I now identify as boring.

My preferred pronouns are ho/hum.

Why do astronauts prefer the Linux operating system.

Because you can't open Window's in space.

Why does Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine?

You only get one shot…

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

I've noticed lately that women prefer men at least 6'

away.

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What Hangs Down and has a Tiny Penis?

Funny enough, my mother was the one who told me this joke. First, you call someone (preferably a close friend). Then you ask them the question "What hangs down and has a tiny penis?" then you strategically wait for their response. If they don't answer correctly with "a bat" then say "The answer is a...

"As good as this bar is" says the Scotsman…

"I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's.... The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you...

I prefer to read poetry in braille for some reason.

I just really feel the words a lot more.

Why does Jesus prefer coffee??

Because he got nailed to a tea.

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I asked a friend why she prefers Russian porn

She said because Russian porn gets me Soviet

A vulture walked into an airplane,

dragging some mangled roadkill in its beak. The stewardess looks down in distaste, and asks “Wouldn’t you prefer to put that in the checked luggage compartment?”
And the vulture said “No thanks. It’s carrion.”

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A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun.

Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dr...

A man yells to his waiter: “There’s a pubic hair in my soup!”

Waiter: “No reason to be so upset, it is just a hair”
Man: “I understand, it’s just a little hair, but i prefer things with right timing!”
Waiter: ”And how’s that?”
Man: ”Let’s say you go down on your wife, would you be ok finding a spaghetti?”

[O(r)C] Why don't Orcs like to shop online?

They prefer to support local brick and Mordor.

I got a sweater on my birthday

I would have preferred a moaner or screamer.

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Bored Superman

One day Superman is flying around looking for crime. Lex Luther is locked up along with all the other villains so not much is going on. Superman sees Batman crouched next to a gargoyle on a building so stops by to see what's up. "Hey Batman what's good wanna do something?" Batman answers gruffly, "I...

A woman who worked at a glory hole was asked if she preferred some members over others. Her response?

All in all it's just another prick in the wall.

What motorcycles do ghosts prefer?

A boocati.

My farmer friend told me that horse manure is excellent for strawberries.

I said, “You may be right, but I still prefer whipped cream.”

What's the Preferred Luxury Automobile of Sushi Chefs around the world?

Rolls Rice

My uncle's joke he just came up with: What are chocolate's preferred pronouns?

Her, She

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An atheist dies and goes to hell...

...and notices he's in a lush park with butterflies, his physical body has transformed back into its prime, and he's then greeted by Satan who says "sup homie? Welcome to hell. Let me show you around, you're gonna love it here mate."

Satan points to a nice house and says "what do you think of...

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In a Channel 8 poll, men were asked what do they prefer, football or sex ?

Most of them responded , sex , but in halftime.

Why do kinky people who are into objectification prefer free products over paid ones?

If you are not paying for the product, you *are* the product.

Why do you prefer peeing normally, versus having a nurse use a catheter?

Urine control.

My husband always takes the elevator, whereas I always prefer the stairs.

**I guess we are raised differently :/**

An 80 yo man is about to get married

His fianceè is only 20 yo and she is gorgeous. A couple of days before weeding, one of his friends gave him a warning:

- You are crazy! She is very young, she will cheat on you right after you get married! Why don't you marry a lady about your age?

He replied:

- I prefer to sha...

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in yo...

Why is baseball telecaster Karen's preferred job?

She gets to speak with the manager after each game

What is the sub-genre of metal preferred by most tuna fish?

Alba-core.

A Priest and a Rabbi are talking about fundraising...

The Rabbi asks the priest, "so... do you make a lot of money doing baptisms?"

"The money is OK. But I'd prefer a little more." says the priest, "How about you? Do you make much money doing circumcisions?"

"Nah..." says the rabbi, "...but I do get a lot of tips."

Why does Voldemort prefer Instagram over Facebook?

'Cause he has only followers and no friends.

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What kind of porn does agent 007 prefer?

Bondage, James Bondage

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart. But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth. 6 respected 9, even though ...

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An oldie but a goodie! (Long) (nsfw)

3 men are traveling in a distant country when they're captured by a native tribe. The chief explains to the men that, because they were caught on the tribes land, they are to be sentenced quite harshly. They have a choice of one of two punishments. Death, or Unga Bunga!

The first man, a rathe...

The woman asks her husband: "Do you prefer a beautiful woman or an intelligent woman?"

The husband replies: "None of them, you know I only like you!".





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I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred.

Their number one answer was,

“HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET IN HERE?!”

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A chimpanzee says to another "I think I prefer to walk on just two legs"

The other chimp looks at him funny in response.

The first chimp quickly adds, "No homo!"

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Why do Russians prefer to eat potatoes shaped like penises?

Because Russia loves dick-taters.

Why did Pinocchio prefer wooden girls over the real thing?

Because the wooden girls are knotty!

What news sources do fish prefer?

Click bait (sorry for the dad joke)

What key does R Kelly prefer to sing?

B minor.

I'm so sick of all the right vs left BS! it's all 'the left are so evil all they do is ..' or 'the right is so evil all they care about is ..'

First off, it's divisive and bringing out the worst in people. Completely ruining the country. Secondly, who the hell really judges people based solely on which Twix they prefer?!

"Yesterday I had a huge fight with my wife...

...she complained I always prefer watching football matches instead of talking to her"

"Oh I'm sorry... so how did it end up"?

"2-0"

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David gathers his orthodox family in the living room to break some big news….

“Father, mother, siblings, please sit down. Despite what I’m about to tell you, I want you to know that I am still the same person that you know and love. I’ve kept this part of me away from you for too long, and I don’t want to hide this anymore. And more than anything, I hope you will accept me fo...

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A construction worker tells his boss that he has a terrible headache

The boss answers: "Hey, what I do if I have a headache is, I go home and have sex with my wife, then my head is clear again and I can come back to work"

The worker says he doesn't know about this and prefers taking some medication.

But this doesn't work, and so the boss basically order...

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The other day a girl asked me if I like breasts or thighs. I told her I prefer bubble butts and a trimmed pussy with thin lips...

So I got kicked out of KFC.

Yeah, the NRA sounds great, but personally, I prefer Deer Lovers Anonymous.

You get more bang for your buck.

A study found that 97% of people prefer bananas with the skin on.

Without one, it just lacks appeal.

I hate when people call me fat...

I prefer "well-rounded".

Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?

He cleaned out every crook and nanny.

Recent polling of Redditors indicates users prefer Paul Bunyan and his animal companion to the current mascot.

Seems you prefer the blue moo in lieu of the Snoo.

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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a b...

Why do they ask if you'd prefer paper or plastic?

Because baggers can't be choosers.

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So this guy asks if I prefer breasts or legs

And I reply, really I'd prefer wet pussy.

Apparently this is not an appropriate thing to say at KFC.

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9/10 men prefer large boobs.

The other man prefers the 9 men.

What did dinosaurs prefer to use to pay for their purchases?

Obviously tyrannosaurus cheques.

How does Lady Gaga prefer you cook her steak?

Raw
Raw
Raw-raw
Raw


I will see myself out

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