My husband always takes the elevator, whereas I always prefer the stairs.

**I guess we are raised differently :/**

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What kind of porn does agent 007 prefer?

Bondage, James Bondage

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

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I asked a friend why she prefers Russian porn

She said because Russian porn gets me Soviet

What did dinosaurs prefer to use to pay for their purchases?

Obviously tyrannosaurus cheques.

I created a poll to see if people preferred pillows stuffed with bird feathers or pillows stuffed with synthetic material.

Synthetic material didn't win. Too many down votes.

What kind of bread do zombies prefer?

Whole brain.

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Three surgeons are dicussing which types of patients they prefer.

First surgeon says, ''I prefer engineers. When you cut them open, all their organs are so well arranged.''

Second surgeon says, ''I prefer painters. They are so colourful from inside.''

The third one pauses and says, ''I prefer lawyers since they are the easiest to operate on. Not only...

Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?

He cleaned out every crook and nanny.

I've noticed lately that women prefer men at least 6'

away.

Why do Italians prefer manual cars?

Because their hands need something to do.

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I asked ladies what shampoo they prefer…

96% of the answers were ”Get the fuck out!”

My preferred pronoun is "letter"

I was born female, but I identify as mail

Which shampoo do prefer cannibals?

Head and shoulders

My neighbor likes to make a big deal about how SOME people prefer listening to rock music that's made using only a guitars, drums, and vocals. At first I thought he was just an opinionated music listener but...

I'm starting to think he's a bassist.

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Why do Australians prefer to stream their porn on local area networks?

They come from a LAN down under.

Why do programmers prefer dark mode?

Cause light attracts bugs.

A study found that 97% of people prefer bananas with the skin on.

Without one, it just lacks appeal.

I prefer escalators but my wife prefers elevators...

I think it’s because we were raised differently

Why did Pinocchio prefer wooden girls over the real thing?

Because the wooden girls are knotty!

Why do they ask if you'd prefer paper or plastic?

Because baggers can't be choosers.

The woman asks her husband: "Do you prefer a beautiful woman or an intelligent woman?"

The husband replies: "None of them, you know I only like you!".





So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

Why do robots prefer one night stands?

So they can nut and bolt

Which shoes do frogs prefer?

Open toad sandals!

Why do dogs prefer manual cars?

They like driving a stick

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So I did some research...

and Chinese people like listening to music on their phones with earbuds, black people like portable speakers, Mexicans prefer cheaper systems in their home with big speakers and white people like higher end but compact systems...

Sorry, I guess I shouldn't be discussing racial stereo types.

What kind of restaurants do military snipers prefer?

Take out.

What type of toilets do pirates prefer?

Port-a-potties.

I'll sea myself out.

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After a two year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's ball-related recreational preferences:

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is basketball.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling.

3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is football.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball.

5. Th...

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I prefer masturbating only when I'm completely naked

Don't like that? Go to a different Starbucks!

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What internet service provider do prostitutes prefer?

Cox, because they keep going in and out, sometimes they're fast, sometimes they're slow, and they bend you over when your bill arrives.

I have an uncle who's ambidextrous, but prefers to use his right hand

The only thing he does left is write.

How does Lady Gaga prefer you cook her steak?

Raw
Raw
Raw-raw
Raw


I will see myself out

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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking

Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.<...

I asked 20 women in my neighborhood about their preferred shampoo

A staggering 100% of them use "Get out of my shower".

What is an Asian Canadian's preferred soup?

Miso Sorry

My wife said she prefers handsome men

But for me she made an exception.

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A recent survey found that most men prefer eating a fine meal in a restaurant to having sex.

Presumably because they get performance anxiety when diners are watching.

A man goes to a brothel.

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignifid, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.




‟May I help you sir?” she asked.




The man replied,


‟I wan to see Valerie.”




‟S...

Asked the Mrs "Do you think your mother would prefer Riverdance or something more Fred Astairish?"

She replied "I think she'd prefer you didn't dance on her grave at all"

What brand of clothing do pirates prefer?

Fruit of Doubloon.

Everyone in Britain prefers brushes over vacuum cleaners when it comes to tidying their floors.

Sorry if that's a sweeping generalisation.

Why does Tom Petty prefer to dive into a pool?

Because the wading is the hardest part.

An Atheist in Hell

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No...

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I don't like the term Anal Bleaching.

I prefer calling it Changing Your Ringtone.

Doctor: "Do you prefer that the baby's father be present st your birth?"

Patient: "I prefer not. He doesn't get along well with my husband."

Why do Millenials prefer odd numbers?

Because they can't even.

My girlfriend told me she prefers No Strings Attached.

And then the removed my parachute midair b

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Why does Darth Vader prefer coarse-grain pepper?

He hates it when it's high ground.

A solar panel, a wind turbine and a hydro dam are all getting to know each other.

‘What kind of music are you into?’ asks the dam.
‘I’m into trance’, replies the solar panel.
‘Ooh, too intense for me’, dam says, ‘I much prefer classical melodies, maybe a little 60s soul at the weekends.’
‘What about you Mr Turbine? What are you into?’
‘Me?’ He replies, ‘I’m a huge met...

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What do call a prostitute who prefers British pound as primary payment method?

A quid pro ho

i prefer decimals over fractions

fractions are just pointless

Why do Mexican Vampires prefer Asians who have ticks?

They want that Corona and Lyme

When I get old I prefer the Parkinson over Alzheimer

I prefer Parkinson's .. Alzheimer's I will forget my bottle of wine .. and Parkinson's I will only lose half the drink.

I prefer women the same way I like my coffee...

Just a little bit hot and from the gas station.

I prefer it when doctors don’t sugarcoat stuff.

It helps because I’m diabetic.

You tested positive for the Coronavirus. Which do you prefer? A robot or a caregiver in a hazmat suit wearing a diaper?

It depends.

Why did the skydiver prefer indoor skydiving?

He loved the rush of indoor fans.

What is a dyslexic person's preferred alternative energy source?

It's unclear

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Hitler hires a new cook

Before taking up the job he is told there are 2 main requirements - Making good healthy food for the dictator and never interfering in his policies.

On his first day he finds out about all of Hitler's preferences, likes and dislikes. With all of that in mind he makes everything as expected e...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does M&Ms prefer blowjobs over handjobs?

They melt in your mouth, not in your hand

Why is apple juice the preferred drink for women?

Because OJ will kill you

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I was on a blind date with a woman the other day when she told me that she was "Pansexual"

...so I said "That's not a problem with me, but I am curious what your preference is though...



skillets or woks?"

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Why don't Japanese cannibals cook their food?

Because they prefer ramen.

I prefer my sandwiches to have 3 slices of bread.

I'm looking for other people like that so we can start a club.

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A study was made and 100 women were asked what body wash they prefered. 99% of them replied with:

Get the fuck out of my bathroom you pervert!

Wine joke

At the restaurant, “Sir, would you prefer a red or a white wine?”

The customer shrugs, “I don’t really care. I’m colorblind.”

Preferated pages are terrible

Tearable*

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Why do horny Vegans prefer phone sex?

It's the meet-free option.

I prefer driving with a strong tail wind

But my wife says that's not what the term means, and all I'm doing is making the car smell like rotten eggs.

Why do communists prefer to use only lowercase letter?

Well, because they hate capitalism.

The year is 1921. Eastern Poland, the new border with Russia is forming after WWI.

One of the officials coordinating this process stumbles upon an old house that is located just on the path of where the border would be set. Property, with an old shed and few acres of land, is habited by one old farmer.

"This is your lucky day, old man. You can choose whether you prefer to ...

Helicopter ride

Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter, flight for 4 people?! I'm still looking for 2 more people to join us. We leave early Friday on Dec 25th morning from Kochi and will fly to Kavarathi (Lakshadweep), where we will have breakfast and then on a yacht for lunch. Then we’ll do a flight to...

As a child of a meth addict, I want you to know you can make DIFFERENT CHOICES from your parents

I prefer heroin

How many Discord users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They prefer dark mode.

RETIRED HUSBAND After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our com...

Why do Welsh farmers prefer 501 jeans?

So the sheep wont hear the zipper

My friend handed me a peach. I told him I prefer pears.

So he handed me another one.

I'm not racist." I said to my buddy. "But I prefer my sandwiches cut diagonally." "That's not racist." he said.

"Exactly!" I replied. "I said I wasn't racist."

What bank do drug testing companies prefer to use?

PNC

They say a great way to find women is to take the dog for a walk.

While true, I generally prefer women who are still alive.

TIL the term "cannibal" is offensive.

They prefer to be called "humanitarians."

All this rubbish about R. Kelly allegedly marrying a fifteen year old are ridiculous. Everyone knows he prefers twenty nine year olds.

Mostly because there are twenty of them.

How does Harry potter prefer to get down a hill?

walking







jk rolling

Why does Mario prefer to hang out with Toad more than Luigi?

Because he's a fungi.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I want to prescribe you new cutting edge drug against depression. But I have good news and bad news about the drug"

"I prefer to hear bad news first".

"Okay. Bad news are that said drug has many side-effects. You will feel dizzy, tired, bad taste in your mouth, periodical urges to vomit, etc."

"And good news?"

"You won't give a fuck."

Mr Trump, the American people will be voting soon...what do you think of the ballots ?

"I much prefer faster songs ."

Some people like fast handjobs. I prefer slow.

Different strokes for different folks I guess.

It is said that most Americans have feet fetish

And most Europeans prefer Meters

Jeremy Corbyn prefers McAfee. Why?

Because the Labour Party is anti-Symantec.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do sharks prefer saltwater?

Because pepperwater makes them sneeze.

Do vegetarians prefer moons or asteroids?

Moons, because asteroids are are a little meteor.

(Made up for my kids today)
#dadjoke #sorry

At the hearings, Kavanaugh was asked how he would prefer to cross a waist deep river, in a rowboat or simply walk across it

He said he doesn't want to give an opinion on Row Vs. Wade

Why do anarchists prefer the Imperial system of measurement?

They want to live in a liter-less society!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Justin Wilson joke

An old, crotchety farmer woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. The man clutched his chest and fumbled for the telephone to call an ambulance, fearing that he was having a heart attack.

Upon arriving at the hospital, the man, stable but still in quite a bit of pain, was greeted ...

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9/10 men prefer large boobs.

The other man prefers the 9 men.

Why don’t Geordie tradesmen use spirit levels?

Because they prefer level things by eye man

Most people call it grave robbing...

I prefer to call it crypto-currency

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