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Ways Jokes

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Husband and wife are discussing ways to improve their sexual communication.

Wife says, “If you want to have sex, touch my left breast. If you don’t want to have sex, touch my right breast.”

Husband replies, “Ok. And if you want to have sex, touch my penis once. If you don’t want to have sex, touch my penis two hundred times.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife were trying to think of ways to spice up their sex life...

So one day the man came home with some flavored condoms. That night they were in bed, and the wife went down under the covers.

A few seconds later she popped her head back up and said, "Ugh, that one tastes like cheese!"

And her husband said, "I didn't put it on yet."

The Fremen just concluded a longterm study on the best ways to walk without rhythm.

The results were staggering!

Two ways (russian anecdote)

Son comes to his dad and asks if he should get married or join the army. Dad says “Son, if you’ll get married, you’re toast, but if you’ll join the army, there gonna be two ways for you. You’ll return either alive or dead. If alive, you’re toast, but if dead, there gonna be two ways for you. You’ll ...

One day, Albert Einstein was on his way to a science convention for a speech.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could giv...

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A Roman Catholic priest is on his way to Rome when he runs into an old childhood friend.

“My goodness, Mary!” He says. “How have you been?”

“Oh, could be better,” she says. “My husband and I have been trying to have children for fifteen years, but we are barren.”

“I’m so sorry,” says the priest. “I’m on a pilgrimage to Rome, and I promise to light a candle for you in the g...

There are two ways of arguing with a woman

Neither one works

As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself...

maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.

A man who lost his hat decided the easiest way to replace it was to steal it.

So he goes to the local church in search of a hat. A sermon about the ten commandments was going on as he made his way to the cloakroom. He stopped, thought for a moment, and changed his mind.

Upon seeing the pastor, the man walks up to him and says, "Father, I must say, your sermon saved me ...

As a Nevadan, I'm tired of people insinuating that we can't count. We are a great state filled with intelligent people. In fact, I can list off 20 ways we are better than our neighboring states.

Just let me take my shoes and socks off first.

Wife: “You keep on finding ways to avoid taking responsibility for your wrongdoing.”

Me: “I’m truly sorry that you feel this way.”

There are two ways to free oneself of the cycle of reincarnation.

One is to achieve enlightenment and become one with the universal energies. The other is to be reincarnated as a cheetah, which only ever reincarnate as other cheetahs, effectively removing oneself from the the cycle. >!Once a cheetah, always a cheetah.!<

What do you call a monkey who swings both ways?

Bi-curious George

You’ve heard of 1000 Ways to Die, well here’s 1000 ways to lie:

It actually just one.

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21 ways to piss off the mods on this sub

[removed]

Wife has strange ways of starting a conversation..

... out of nowhere she'll ask me: are you even listening at all?

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Learning the ways..

A Red Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, 'Me want coffee.'

The waiter says, 'Sure chief, coming right up...'

He gets the Red Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, p...

It’s the World Series, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the field.

He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks the old man on the other side of the empty seat if someone will be sitting there.

“No,” says the old man. “The seat is empty.”

“This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a s...

My wife asked me if there are any ways to save our marriage

I said yes, there are threeways

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Each president has subconsciously affected the porn industry in various ways [NSFW]

During the Clinton era, infidelity and work place scenarios became really popular.

During the Bush years, the demand for "dumb blonde" types hit an all time high.

During Obama's presidency, the interracial genre took off.

And recently, incest porn has become really popular.

There are two ways to make people angry.

The first is to make people curious and not tell them.



And the second is

“If you would like a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve our quality of life…

…please press 3.”

The Lord moves in mysterious ways. But you don’t.

Use your turn signal.

My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"

Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon

101 ways to stop eating meat...

Number 34: Cold Turkey

Many claim that heart attacks are one of the worst ways to go, but I disagree...

Bear attacks are definitely worse.

There are 3 ways to get something done

1: Do it yourself

2: Hire someone to do it for you

3: Forbid your kids from doing it.

100 ways to please your man

My wife was sitting on the sofa last night reading a book called, “100 ways to please your man.”

I said, “Don’t bother reading any of that nonsense, you only need to do two things for me and I’ll be the happiest bloke ever.

She smiled and said, “Aww, what’s that then?”

I said, “...

Two ways of driving someone crazy;

One is stopping in mid-sentence and

My wife has an odd way of starting conversations.

She always begin by saying "Hey, are you even listening?"

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