Flat girls never have to confide in anyone.

They already got everything off their chest.

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discre...

I was confident I could win the duel until my opponent swung his sword at my ankles.

Alas, I was de-feeted.

Why was Melania so confident that Donald would win?

Because he always comes first.

I named my eraser Confidence

because it gets smaller after every mistake I make.

A boy was asking his dad what the difference is between "confident" & "confidential".

Son to Dad: Dad, what is the difference between "confident" & "confidential"?

Dad: See, here is an example, you are my son, i am confident of that.

Son: I see

Dad: Now, you know our neighbor, little Timmy, your playmate right?

Son: Yah?

Dad: He's my son too, bu...

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NSFW A young bride-to-be confides in her mother on her wedding night that she isn’t a virgin and is worried her husband will not love her once he finds out.

“Oh honey, just do what I did with your father. Put a rubber band around your thigh and when he enters you the first time just snap the rubber band. He won’t know any different.”

Come the wedding night and heeding her moms advice the bride snaps the band as the deed is done. Her husband yel...

In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, "Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?" He confided in me...

"Because they make the toys."

My friend confided in me that she has breast cancer.

I asked her if she had anything else she wanted to get off her chest.

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A young man is buying condoms at a confidence store but doesn’t know how to put them in right.

He goes to the person behind the desk to ask for help when he notices that she is a beautiful blond young woman.
He asks her how to put them on so she takes them out of the box and puts one over her thumb.
“Do you get it?” she asks him, but he doesn’t understand.
So she takes him into a b...

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After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Mark remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide.The dentist ...

My friend is confident that sleeping late would not affect your facial features in any way

but eyebag to differ

Why is it a bad idea to confide in a clock?

Time will tell

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

"The person who answers this last question gets to leave early" said the teacher

"Now what is the sum of three and two, multiplied by the square root of 6 " the teacher asked.

The class began scribbling furiously. All except for Bobby. Bobby raised his hand and the teacher called on him.

"5" answered Bobby confidently. He began to pack up his things and walk to th...

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Women love a man brimming with confidence.

Because, without that, what's to destroy?

I hate people with over-confidence

Edit: Thanks for the silver, gold, and platinum!

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My son asked me to help with his homework the other day.

The question he was stuck on was, "Give two ways to prevent pregnancy.”

After telling him what to write | was confident he would be getting top marks.

According to his teacher though, "fucking her up the shitter," and "blowing your load all over her tits," were both wrong answers.

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A housewife was unsatisfied with her sex life and confides this to her mother who gifted her a magical item.

Wife: "A dildo?"

Mother: "A magical dildo."

Wife: "What's so magical about it."

Mother: "Just say *Magic dildo* and name the body part you want pleasured."

Skeptical but curious, the wife takes the gift and goes to her room where she laid in bed and uttered the magical wo...

A brunette confides to her blonde friend ...

"Please don't tell anyone, but I'm deathly afraid of bees."
The blonde says, "Don't worry, I won't say a word. To be honest, the entire alphabet scares the hell out of me."

My girlfriend confided in me she loves when I blow air on her when she's hot,

but honestly, I’m not a fan.

The best thing about college is it forces you to have confidence

Like in highschool i never had the confidence to walk in front of a moving car.

What do you call a confident and stylish young fire ant?

Flamboyant

A boy asks his dad one day, “Dad, what’s the difference between confident and confidential?”

His dad replies, “Well, you’re my son – I’m confident about that. And your best friend Jimmy is also my son – that’s confidential.”

Women tell me “Just be yourself, be more confident.”

I’m like... jeez pick one!

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Sherlock and Watson returned from a walk around London. Sherlock says "Damn, I think stepped in some dog shit. Watson, can you check?" After checking the shoes of the detective, Watson confidently announced

No shit Sherlock

When I grow up and have kids in a couple of decades. I won't be worried when the day comes they ask for for the newest released M rated game. I'm confident I won't even need to play its unsuitable.

I mean I've played GTA 5 before.

A Genius

A British and an Irish were watching a movie. The hero of the film was riding on a galloping horse.

British, "It will fall off the horse ". But the Irish said it would never fall. Thy bet. Soon, the hero fell. British, didn’t I say. But why were you so confident ”it wouldn't fall?” Irish repl...

A foreign man walking...

A foreign man walking downtown suddenly feels the need for a tasty treat. His nose guides him to a little shop, but he is unable to communicate what he wants.

He decides to go to online school to learn how to communicate, but instead is distracted by something called Reddit for a week. He say...

During this lockdown, please think of the confidence level and mental health of your companies IT person.

They have gone more then three months without being able to look you in the eye without smirking, while first turning your computer off and then on again, before accessing the admin profile to delete then add the wireless printer again so you can print your emails.

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It was probably my worst moment of judgement, feeling over confident and giving Dwayne Johnson a big ol’ smack on his ass.

I hit Rock bottom.

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little frisky. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her: “Honey, would you take me upstairs?”

Horrified, she replies: “Are you mad? My parents will see us!”

“Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?” he asks, grinning at her.

“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”

“Oh come on! There’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”


“No way. It’s just too ri...

How Egyptians solve problems.

In Cairo there is a large hole in the ground left over from a construction project that was never finished. Everyday several people unexpectedly walk right into the hole and are badly injured.

By the time the ambulance arrives and brings the victims to the hospital it is often too late to sa...

An exercise for people who are out of shape:

Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potat...

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The Pope contracts a rare terminal illness.

The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation.After much debate and research they determined that the only hope to save the Pope's life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the pop...

They say I'm overconfident

Edit 1: Thanks for the silver!

Edit 2: Thanks for the gold!

Edit 3: Thanks for the platinum!

Edit 4: Wow this really blew up!

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Granny went to the bank to deposit her $1M

She was greeted by the Bank Manager.

Manager: "Good morning, ma'am! That's quite a fortune. May I ask where did it come from?"

Granny: "I have a knack in gambling. These are my winnings."

M: "I have no doubt. However, our policies prevents us from accepting it due to anti money-...

The symphony musicians had little confidence in the person brought in to be their new conductor...

Their fears were realized at the very first rehearsal. The cymbalist, realizing that the conductor did not know what he was doing, angrily clashed his instruments together during a delicate, soft passage. The music stopped. The conductor, highly agitated, looked angrily around the orchestra, demandi...

I'm really confident about my vasectomy.

I'm sure it's gonna make a vas deferens.

I was balding and losing confidence so I had a rabbit tattooed on my scalp.

People tell me, from a distance it looks like hare.

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A farmer wakes up to find that his favourite goat has died.

Since he loved that goat very deeply, he decided to jump into the river by his house and commit suicide. Soon after, his wife woke up, and after discovering what had happened, she too followed in his steps and jumped into the river.

Their younger son woke up to find both of his parents dead,...

Netherlands work ( personal experience )

So, English is not my first language, it's my third. I moved to Netherlands some time ago and I got my first job. Apparently people here are nice? And they also pay their taxes? Did you guys know that? Anyway, the manager of the factory I worked in approached me to say ''hello'' and introduce himsel...

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A Four-year-old boy and his dad sit at the kitchen table.

It's Sunday morning and mom just made breakfast. On the table is french toast covered in butter and doused with their favorite maple syrup. There are four slices of bacon on each plate and an overwhelming amount of scrambled eggs. A tall glass of orange juice demands their attention. The boy and his...

Forrest Gump died and went to Heaven...

As Forrest approaches the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter greeted him.
“Ah, welcome, Mr. Gump. We’ve been anxiously awaiting your arrival.”
Forrest looked intently, not quite sure what to make of the scene in front of him.
“Forrest, before I let you into Heaven, I need you to answer three quest...

Trump visits an elementary school

Trump visits an elementary school to greet the students and teachers. He asks the students, “what do you all want to be when you grow up?”

“A farmer,” shouts one.

“An astronaut,” shouts another.

“The President of the United States,” confidently says a little girl.

“Who sa...

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There lil Johnny sat in the back of class...

as the teacher announced that "Today, if the students could name the famous Americans who said these famous quotes, they could go home early."

Excited, the whole class perked up.

"First one." Mr. Jones said. "We have nothing to fear but fear itself."

Every student's hand was up...

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A tale of two friends !!

One was a very bright student while the other one was quite dumb. The brighter one always helped the other passing exams be it a class test or end term exams. The teachers were quite furious with them and at last, called upon a meeting to discuss with the principal what could be done. All came to th...

What do you call a God without self-confidence?

An atheist

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A woman is feeling confident so she goes to a bar by herself one night...

She sits down and buys herself a drink, a little timid but looking around to see if they are any attractive men. After a little while (and 3 vodka red bulls) she sees a man walk in and also sit down by himself. Feeling good, she walks over, sits down, and introduces herself.

She and the man c...

Husband and wife are putting up Holiday decorations

when husband offers to hang the wreath. “But sweetums, you are inept and you have no tools,” says the wife. Husband shrugs and goes to Lowe’s to buy a hammer. He walks past a display for the new, Elf Steam Multi-Tool. The marketing was brilliant and it had a drill, three saws, and a sander - all wor...

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A lone traveler needed to stop and wait out a storm.

A lone traveler needed to stop and wait out a storm. She came across a church settled near the top of a mountain far away from civilization, and decided to ask for them to lend hospitality to her. A nun greeted her at the entrance when she approached the church, and lead her inside. There, she was g...

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Long ago, a king issued a challenge to see who can first cross a crocodile-infested river.

On the day of the challenge, the participants were shocked to see how dangerous the river actually was. Crocodile backs were visible nearly every part of the river and the width of the river seemed to stretch miles away to the other bank.

The king, eager to see some violent gory entertainment...

There were once three square kingdoms on different sides of a triangular river.

One night, the king of the first kingdom invited all the people of all three kingdoms over to the castle to celebrate his daughter’s 18th birthday. All the people of the kingdoms were enjoying themselves, until an argument between the three kings broke out between whose daughter was the most beautif...

Two Traitors Heading for the Capitol Building

Passenger asks "That bomb in the trunk was made by amateurs right?"

The driver responds "yup."

Passenger asks, a bit nervously, "Well what happens if that bomb just goes off?"

The driver responds with great confidence, "No problem at all".

"We have another one under the b...

A man gets a peanut stuck firmly in his ear

“A man gets a peanut stuck firmly in his ear and no matter how hard his wife tries, they cannot get it out. Just as they’re about to give up, their daughter arrives home with her boyfriend. When they hear what has happened the boyfriend tells them confidently that he knows how to get it out. He stic...

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A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and an atheist walk into a bar

The three sit down, order, and start chatting while enjoying their drinks, discuss why they believe what they do.

The Priest says "I try to live by the Word of God and love my neighbor as I love myself, showing my flock the same philosophy. By accepting this into my heart, I hope to earn my ...

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The Gunny's Gun (a military joke)...

U.S. Armed Services recruiting efforts are slipping. They've advertised, offered college money, granted large bonuses to new recruits... all to no avail.

So, the Joint Chiefs of Staff all get together one day at a tavern in Washington D.C. to brainstorm a solution. After many hours of back an...

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Emily was 30 years old, and really flatchested

Emily was 30 years old, and really flatchested. Depspite bad confidence she headed to a pub on a Saturday night.

After a little while at the pub a handsome man stood by her and asked ”why do you look so sad?”. Well.. Said Emily, you see.. I’ts because I look like a newborn girl in the chest...

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A group of Engineering professors were invited to fly in a plane.

Right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed the plane was built by their students.

All but one got off their seats and headed frantically to the exits in maniacal panic.

The one lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, was asked: “Why did you stay put?”
<...

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An Englishman, an American and an Irishman are lined up against the wall to be executed by the Nazis.

The Englishman is first, they put him against the wall, ready, aim …. The Englishman yells out earthquake earthquake!!! The Germans panic and he manages to run away.

The american is next and having seen what happened, as the Germans go ready, aim …. He yells out flood, flood. Again the German...

A mathematician wasn't too confident about his appearance...

So he asked his friend to compare his good looks in terms he could understand.
After little thought his friend says: "You're about as good looking as you are bad looking."
"Well that's just mean."

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*NSFW* John is sent to prison and he meets his 6’8” 320 pound cell mate

Cell mate says, “We are going to be here a long time, so you choose whether you want to be the husband or the wife?”

John is scared but he knows what to pick to make his life a little easier, “I’ll be the husband” he says confidently.

Cell mate, “ Good, now come here and suck your wife...

John, look me in the eyes. All of my life I needed a strong, good looking, confident man and you

are the one who can help me find someone like that.

An alien with magical powers visits earth and announces that he will grant one wish for each person. However, if more than one person makes the same wish, their wishes will not come true.

For example, if eight people wish to become married to the most beautiful woman in the world, none of them will get to do that. Anyone who gets their wish canceled will not get to try again.

The alien sets up thousands of wishing stations throughout the world. Each person will be allowed to t...

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Two newlyweds check into a hotel...

The groom is at the check-in counter and is clearly nervous. The bellhop asks him if he's ok and in an attempt to build his confidence he reassures him that when it comes time to consummate the marriage he will be in the next room. If there is any trouble just yell out...

The couple gets sett...

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Two guys get called up for military service

Coincidentally, they both live in the same street so they share a ride.

During the ride, one says to the other: "I'm going to tell you right now, they will disqualify me for military service."

The other replies: "Really? How can you be so sure?"

"I'll tell you later." The first ...

What did the incel say, when he had a sudden bout of inspiration to change his outlook on life and start approaching attractive women, in a confident manner?

Begone,thought!

I can confidently run up 6 flights of stairs.

But 7 Flights? That's another story.

My new years resolution

In 2021, I'm going to be more confident and decisive

Edit

Christmas Pageant

Sister Margaret's kindergarten class is performing the traditional Nativity scene for their adoring parents.

Cue the three magi.

The first little tyke bellows, "Here, I bring you a gift of gold!"

The second confidently says, "Here, I bring you myrrh!"

The third hesitate...

The Navy captain was approached by his lieutenant.

"Captain! There is an enemy ship incoming! They are armed with cannons and a hundred men with muskets and swords!”


“Very well,” said the Captain. “Fetch me my red shirt.”


“Why your red shirt, sir?”


“Because if I am wounded in the fight, the blood will be hidden...

If having low confidence and low self-esteem was an Olympic sport...

I would probably get bronze.

As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife:

"I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."

His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you th...

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Ladies Night Out

3 women were discussing how they each loved a "Well Hung" man, but were amazed at how different their method was for finding one.

The first woman said she knew if a man was confident and secure he definitely was packing a Big Rigg.

The second woman said she liked men that wore tight pa...

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Unbeknownst to his wife, Steve has secretly been drinking at the bar all day.

He looks at his phone only to realize that its 2a.m. and he should be getting home before his wife is pissed.

He tries to stand up but falls flat on his face. Deciding he needs to sober up, he gets some water and waits an hour. Again, he tries to stand up. Again, he falls flat on his face....

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Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, “I’m so pissed off!”

“What happened?” asked the bartender politely.

“See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her goddamned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window an...

After checking my wallet, I stood in front of the vending machine and confidently said to myself...

"I have what it takes."

Impeccable

A woodpecker from the United States and a Canadian woodpecker were in Canada arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Canadian woodpecker claimed Canada had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The U.S. woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no ...

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The $5,000,000 question....

Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $5,000,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the M.C. that he desired a question on American History.

The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the ...

A certain TV station was a hosting a contest and I happened to be the first caller

The host said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize."

"That's fantastic!" I shouted in delight.

"Feel confident?" she asked. "It's a basic maths question."

"Well, I've got a master's in ...

This year I resolve to be more confident and assertive...

...if that's ok with you guys.

Self confidence boost didn't quite work so well

So me and my dad were talking about my school and he said:

"You're good at school but bad with self-confidence."

Me: "ok"

Dad: "Wayne Rooney was good at football (soccer for the Americans, I'm English) but bad at school

Stephen hawkings was good at being an astronomer bu...

Kids get back into the classroom after playing at recess

and the teacher says, “who can tell me what they did at recess?” Sally raises her hand and says, “I played in the sandbox.” “That sounds like fun, Sally! If you can correctly spell sand, I will give you a cookie, replied the teacher.

“Sand, S.A.N.D. Sand” said Sally with a smile.

“Cor...

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A friend confided in me

that the only way he could get off was to crap himself and drag himself across a room in a zigzag pattern. He asked if something was wrong with him.
I told him he was fine, he was just into some kinky shit.

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What would Obama's campaign slogan be if he confidently ran for office in Japan?

Shuriken

A man walks into a tailor to buy a tuxedo. He confidently tells the tailor he doesn’t need any assistance. The tailor says…

... "Fine. Suit yourself."

You may laugh but this cheap hairpiece from Walmart has really helped my self-confidence.

It was a small price toupee.

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A girl goes to the doctor’s complaining of a strange mark on her chest.

When she shows it to the doctor, he sees a letter C imprinted on her breasts.

“How did you get this?” he enquires.

“It’s my boyfriend. He wears a medallion around his neck which has a C on the end of it, representing the university he goes to – Cambridge. And when we make love, it pres...

My daughter came from school all upbeat and confident telling me how the teacher told them that "Sky's the limit" and they should be "reaching for the stars".

So I installed skylight above her bed and told her to look up the glass ceiling.

A blond City girl named Amy marries a N. Dakota rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The ...

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Man goes to see a doctor about a life-long affliction... (long)

Man (In a raspy, hoarse voice): Doctor, you have to help me, as you can hear, my voice is hoarse and I can barely speak because it hurts too much. It's been like this since I was a teenager. I can't find work, can't talk with friends, or meet a woman. It's ruining my life. Can you help me?
...

[LONG] A guy was shipwrecked and ended up on an island..........

A guy was shipwrecked and ended up on an island. After wandering
around for a few hours he was captured by the local tribe of cannibals and
taken back to the village. After a good meal and a rest he was taken before
the king and told that, as it was the king’s birthday, he would get a ch...

Mr Wong goes to the optometrist...

The optometrist says to him "I'm sorry, Mr Wong, I'm afraid I have some bad news: you have a cataract."

Mr Wong says confidently "No! I drive Rincoln Continentar!"

Four students decide to skip an exam

Four students were attending law college and were quite used to cheating and exploiting to get better grades. Their final exam was due tomorrow and they wanted to get some extra time to hopefully enhance their grades.

The plan was simple: don’t show up tomorrow, spend the whole day learning ...

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Three men are travelling home on Christmas day together

As they round a corner their car goes head on into a tree and the three men are instantly killed. All three men arrive at the pearly gates at the same time and stand in a long queue waiting to receive St Peter’s judgement. While waiting, one of the men points ahead to front of the queue after notici...

Confident genius

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. 

The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000." 

The idiot says, "Okay." 

The gen...

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The Swan?

A burly sailor gets brought into an infirmary staffed by a bunch of postulate nuns, girls barely 18 preparing to become full nuns, and of course, supervised by a few gruff looking nuns.

Being good Catholics in a small Newfoundland seaside town, such oddities rarely found their way to their f...

A nun gave little Mary a long talk on sin, prayer, and forgiveness.

When she finished the lesson, she asked little Mary, "What do we have to do before we ask the Lord for forgiveness?"

Little Mary Confidently said, "Sin"

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A guy suffering from banging headaches, finally gets to see a specialist after baffling doctors for years.

He explains to the specialist that for years now he has been suffering from banging headaches, and everything he has tried so far has no impact on the headaches at all.

The specialist carries out an examination, pokes and prods around a bit and has an idea. He runs a couple tests to be sure, ...

One time I was an ESOL instructor...

For those who don’t know, ESOL indicates that English is a second or foreign language. In my class, I had a student who barely spoke English, and when I mean barely spoke, I mean he had difficulties with basic colours.

So during my office hours, the student comes to my office for some extra h...

A rather confident 007 walks into a bar

A rather confident 007 walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I've just been given this state-of-the-art wat...

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"My wife's just told me she's been having an affair with Dave the milkman," the bloke from over the road confided with me earlier

"What? That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?"
"Yes," he laughed, cheering up.
"Why would Dave the milkman want to shag that?"

I met a tiny, alien robot that looked like a small bug. He told me his friends escaped their home planet, and found a home here. He was confident that his race would be OK.

He was Optimus Tick

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Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children's professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, wiffs the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word...

The second man steps up to take his shot and confidently reports, "My son is doing pretty well. He's just been promoted to manager of the car dealership he works at. In fact, he's doing so well gave the last lady he was seeing a brand new sports car." Then he takes takes a swing and drives the ball ...

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A newly married woman is distressed to find out her new husband plays so much golf...

My husband is on the links every day, she confides with her neighbor, I feel so neglected at times, Why don’t you learn to golf so you can be with your husband every day? the neighbor advises, yes that’s a great idea,
Next day she goes to the club to look for a woman pro, after finding one she’s...

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Jim Bob stays out too late

Jim Bob stays out drinking.

Jim Bob went to a bar after work and time got away from him. He stayed out too late and began to panic because his wife was going to be furious. Jim Bob became so nervous he vomited all over his shirt.

“Oh No! I’ve really done it now!” Jim Bob exclaimed in ...

Confidence

Is what you have before you fully understand a situation.

This joke was originally told to me in Chinese - let’s see if it flows just as well in English

An emperor with finds out that there is a spy inside his grand army. He decides to interrogate every single person in the army.

A young trooper in the army does not speak the emperor’s native language, and is worried that he would be suspected as the spy. His friends in the army, however, dec...

Two Old Men On A Bench

Two old men sat on a bench. We'll call them Bob and Joe. As Bob and Joe were sitting on the bench, Bob turns to Joe and asks, "Hey Joe, do you think there's baseball in Heaven?" Joe waits for a moment and replies, "well as you can tell with this cancer in all I don't have much time left......so I'll...

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Three men went on a swimming competition. An American, a Japanese and a Filipino.

The rule was simple, swim through the lake full of alligators, reach the other side alive and win unlimited cash.

Confident, Phelps went first. But in the middle of his dive, a gator appeared in front of him and swallowed him whole.

The crowd was shocked, yet they all booed.

Eag...

Mike Pence and Donald Trump walk into a steakhousehouse...

After a long night of campaigning in Nebraska Donald Trump and Mike Pence end up at Outback Steakhouse, where they are seated alone.

The waiter approaches with pen and pad, and asks "What can I get for you gentlemen tonight?"

"I'll take the New York Strip, well done. Can't stand the s...

A company had a vacancy for a job so they put a sign outside of their office saying ...

A company had a vacancy for a job so they put a sign outside of their office saying ‘

Job Vacancy- apply within. Applicants must:

1.) be able to type at least 80 words per minute.

2.)must be good at computers.

3.)must be bilingual

After weeks of having no applican...

Once upon a time in a far away land...

There's a triangular lake, with three kingdoms on each side of the triangle.

The first kingdom is very rich, and the people are content. It has a very competent army, with a squire for every knight, and a total of twenty thousand knights. There is no hunger in the land.

The second kin...

I find my confidence always goes up after some basic carpentry...

...I'm pretty proud of myshelf

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Traditional Herbal Medicine

A guy, having been with a lot of questionable women, starts developing a bad rash and severe groin pain. After several weeks, he finally goes to see his doctor.

The doctor says, "I'm real sorry, but the infection has gone way too far, we're going to have to amputate your penis." The guy doe...

As a crowded airliner is about to take off

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
...

Theresa May Survive Non-confidence vote...

...or she may not.

Thank you.

Why was a confident man arrested in England?

He was dressed sharp.

A son asks his dad what's the difference between Confident and Confidential

The dad explains:
You are my son of that I am confident.
Your friend Billy across the street is also my son, that is Confidential

edit grammar for /r/Fudgegoblin

After seducing a woman, a man goes home with a confident stride. But what if he had seduced a man instead?

Then he would go home with a confident gait.

They say confidence is key...

... I guess that's why I'm always locked out.

A boy was cutting wood

A boy was cutting wood with an axe in the forest with his friend. He accidentally cuts off his leg. His friend wraps up the leg with a plastic bag and rushes him to the hospital. The doctor said ' hmm come back in 3 hours, i will have the leg reattached. So the friend came back in 3 hours, and he sa...

Wholesome Prison joke from my uncle’s dad

So there are a group of men serving simultaneous life sentences in prison. They’ve served 20 years together already and over all those years to fill the time they told each other jokes. These jokes they’ve loved so much and were told so many times; that they have been able to tell them by numbers al...

A teenager is trying to decide where to go to college.

He's stuck at a crossroads between three schools - Harvard, Hampden-Sydney, and Alabama. To try and get some guidance, he asks his father,

"Well, what are my chances of getting laid at Harvard?"

"Oh, not good at all," his father says. "They're too focused on studying and working to hav...

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Hey, it happens as you get older

NSFW

30 years ago I saw a sideshow that touted, "Harold, the Magnificent Jew"

Intrigued I paid the entrance fee and had a seat in a packed tent with about 50 others.

In the back of the tent was a table on a small stage. The sideshow barker came out with a large fellow in just a ...

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"Secret code"

This joke is set in India where the traffic rules are just as lax as the traffic cops.

One day, while riding to work on his bike, John realized he had forgotten his helmet.
He knew the cops would catch him when they saw this and that he'd have to bribe his way out of a heavy fine.

S...

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