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Confide Jokes

I named my eraser Confidence

Because it gets smaller after every mistake I make

I don't like over confident people

Edit: Thanks for the silver!

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Edit4: thanks guys! I never expected this post to blow up like it did!!

Edit5: thanks for the argentinium!

Edit6: thanks for the ternium!

People are 63% more likely to believe a made up stat if you say it confidently

This increases to 78.47 if you add a decimal

Flat girls never have to confide in anyone.

They already got everything off their chest.

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Women love a man brimming with confidence.

Because without that, what else is there to destroy?

An older man confides to a friend:

"I'm already sixty, wealthy enough, and I've fallen in love. The woman I'm into is a beautiful young lady. What do you think, would my chances increase if I say I'm fifty?"

"Your chances would increase if you say you're eighty!"

The beach is very confident...

...in fact its 100% shore.

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If She Stayed In Italy To Raise The Child, He Would Also Provide Child Support Until The Child Turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for t...

Confidence

A mouse is taking a walk by a jungle clearing when he sees a distressed-looking cow elephant struggling and straining with something. He hurries over to see what the matter is, and the elephant spots him and says "Oh, help me, please! I've got my leg caught in this old rope and I can't get free"
...

A rather confident 007 walks into a bar

A rather confident 007 walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I've just been given this state-of-the-art wat...

Son - "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?"

Dad - "Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."

Why is it a bad idea to confide in a clock?

Time will tell

My 2023 resolution is to be more assertive and confident…

… if that is OK for you guys.

What four words can completely destroy a man's confidence?

Is it in yet?

A mathematician wasn't too confident about his appearance...

So he asked his friend to compare his good looks in terms he could understand.
After little thought his friend says: "You're about as good looking as you are bad looking."
"Well that's just mean."

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Three friends attending Duke were taking Chemistry, and were confident that going into the final they had a solid A.

They were so confident that the weekend before the final they decided to go up to U Virginia and party with some friends up there.

They had a great time, but were so hung-over that they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until late Monday morning.

They rushed to...

Why was the fallen branch so confident?

Big Stick Energy

I always wanted to be self-confident. Well, look at me now.

Actually, please don't.

A boy asks his dad one day, “Dad, what’s the difference between confident and confidential?”

His dad replies, “Well, you’re my son – I’m confident about that. And your best friend Jimmy is also my son – that’s confidential.”

What did the confident rodent say to the hesitant rodent?

Just "Gopher" it!

Finally mustered up the confidence to measure my peen

Thought it was 9 inches until I realized I was measuring with the wrong end of the ruler.

Did you hear about the over confident hooker?

She rested on her orals.

I don't have confidence or trust in elevators anymore

They always seem like they're up to something, but they also let me down quite often.

A man walks into a tailor to buy a tuxedo. He confidently tells the tailor he doesn’t need any assistance. The tailor says…

... "Fine. Suit yourself."

My woman asked me “which one do you like best, my beautiful face or my gorgeous body?

To which I replied: “your self-confidence”

What do you call a God without self-confidence?

An atheist

I went to the confidence store because I didnt have any confidence. So they gave me some confidence for $2500.

But I think they tricked me.

Why are Australians such confident baseball players?

They’re always being told “good eye”


Yes I realize this is stupid :)

Why was Melania so confident that Donald would win?

Because he always comes first.

If having low confidence and low self-esteem was an Olympic sport...

I would probably get bronze.

Confidence

Is what you have before you fully understand a situation.

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Old save file on my N64 says a lot about my self confidence back then

Named myself "DumbButt"

I'm happy to report that I am now a happy adult, replaying my favourite game as SmartAss

A group of professors were called and sat on a plane

When the doors closed and the plane was about to take off, all the professors were informed that the plane was made by their students. Then all the professors rushed towards the plane doors, trying to escape with the exception of one professor who remained seated with so much confidence and calmness...

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer walk up to a bridge

Seeing as the bridge is the only crossing over a notoriously crocodile-infested river, the two prepare to cross. Just before they set foot on the bridge the anti-vaxxer halts the engineer.

\- How safe is it to cross this bridge exactly? - he asks

\- 99.97% - the engineer replies confid...

My friend confided in me that she has breast cancer.

I asked her if she had anything else she wanted to get off her chest.

A proud and confident genius makes a bet.

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000." The idiot says, "Okay." The genius then asks, "How many...

I walked up to a Chinese laboratory and confidently knocked on the door.

WHO's there.

My Jewish friend confided in me that he was petrified of going to hell for smoking.

"SMOKING" I said, "What the fcuk have you been smoking ?"

"BACON" he said.

Women tell me “Just be yourself, be more confident.”

I’m like... jeez pick one!

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I was fairly confident that the German prostitute was actually a man, but I hired them anyway in case I was wrong.

I was hoping for the breast but expecting the wurst.

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A friend confided in me

that the only way he could get off was to crap himself and drag himself across a room in a zigzag pattern. He asked if something was wrong with him.
I told him he was fine, he was just into some kinky shit.

I was confident I could win the duel until my opponent swung his sword at my ankles.

Alas, I was de-feeted.

I can confidently run up 6 flights of stairs.

But 7 Flights? That's another story.

My friend is confident that sleeping late would not affect your facial features in any way

but eyebag to differ

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A group of Engineering professors were invited to fly in a plane.

Right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed the plane was built by their students.

All but one got off their seats and headed frantically to the exits in maniacal panic.

The one lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, was asked: “Why did you stay put?”...

They say confidence is key...

... I guess that's why I'm always locked out.

What do you call a lock with low self-confidence?

Insecure.

A boy was asking his dad what the difference is between "confident" & "confidential".

Son to Dad: Dad, what is the difference between "confident" & "confidential"?

Dad: See, here is an example, you are my son, i am confident of that.

Son: I see

Dad: Now, you know our neighbor, little Timmy, your playmate right?

Son: Yah?

Dad: He's my son too, bu...

Theresa May Survive Non-confidence vote...

...or she may not.

Thank you.

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What do you call a confident ghost?

....Boo-cocky....

I find my confidence always goes up after some basic carpentry...

...I'm pretty proud of myshelf

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A very poor man has very low self confidence...

because of his eye. He lost it years ago, and he can not afford to buy a glass eye. All he can afford is an eye made of wood. One day, his friend decides to try to help him up his self confidence by telling him about a party. The man is reluctant, but his friend insists. At the party, the man is sta...

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A powerful Emperor advertised for a new Chief Samurai. Only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai,

Number One Samurai, "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and "swish"; the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Sam...

The best thing about college is it forces you to have confidence

Like in highschool i never had the confidence to walk in front of a moving car.

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After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide....

As a little kid, I was unusually confident. I even used to call my first grade teacher "Sweetheart!"

He hated it.

Self confidence boost didn't quite work so well

So me and my dad were talking about my school and he said:

"You're good at school but bad with self-confidence."

Me: "ok"

Dad: "Wayne Rooney was good at football (soccer for the Americans, I'm English) but bad at school

Stephen hawkings was good at being an astronomer bu...

A son asks his dad what's the difference between Confident and Confidential

The dad explains:
You are my son of that I am confident.
Your friend Billy across the street is also my son, that is Confidential

edit grammar for /r/Fudgegoblin

My car has no self-confidence.

It's been self-depreciating since the moment I took it off the lot!

Why was a confident man arrested in England?

He was dressed sharp.

10 engineering professors board a plane

Once they are inside and the plane is a about to take off, the air hostess comes out and tells everyone that the plane has been made by the students of those teachers. Immediately 9 of the professors get up and run away from the plane while one of them stays sit, calmly reading a book.

One of...

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"My wife's just told me she's been having an affair with Dave the milkman," the bloke from over the road confided with me earlier

"What? That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?"
"Yes," he laughed, cheering up.
"Why would Dave the milkman want to shag that?"

A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He's very nervous and doesn't say much.

As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!

After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone.

The groom approache...

A brunette confides to her blonde friend ...

"Please don't tell anyone, but I'm deathly afraid of bees."
The blonde says, "Don't worry, I won't say a word. To be honest, the entire alphabet scares the hell out of me."

The symphony musicians had little confidence in the person brought in to be their new conductor...

Their fears were realized at the very first rehearsal. The cymbalist, realizing that the conductor did not know what he was doing, angrily clashed his instruments together during a delicate, soft passage. The music stopped. The conductor, highly agitated, looked angrily around the orchestra, demandi...

As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife:

"I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."

His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you th...

A man meets his Tinder date at a carnival.

"There's so many games!" he said, "What do you wanna do?"

"I wanna get weighed." she says, shyly looking at the ground.

They go to the GUESS-Your-WEIGHT booth and she wins a stuffed animal.

"What next?" he asks.

"I wanna get weighed." she says, confidently looking at him....

My (blonde) sister hates blonde jokes. I (redhead) told her I have a redhead joke for her. She was eager to hear it!

A redhead goes for a drive through the country, just enjoying the peaceful ride with her windows open. She has to stop as a shepherd is moving his flock across the road. The redhead gets out of her car to stretch and has an idea.

"Hey Mister! If I can guess how many sheep you have, may I keep...

A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around"...

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the mo...

My coworkers at the powerplant have been so confident lately

Must be that Big Duke Energy

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Everything is about confidence.

Many Engineering teachers were invited to a flight, after they all took seat they were told that the plane they were in was entirely built by their students, Every one of the teachers quickly panicked got up and tried to exit the plane desperately but one of them was quiet and appeased he said:
<...

What's the height of self confidence?

Farting when you have diarrhea.

I was balding and losing confidence so I had a rabbit tattooed on my scalp.

People tell me, from a distance it looks like hare.

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A woman is feeling confident so she goes to a bar by herself one night...

She sits down and buys herself a drink, a little timid but looking around to see if they are any attractive men. After a little while (and 3 vodka red bulls) she sees a man walk in and also sit down by himself. Feeling good, she walks over, sits down, and introduces herself.

She and the man c...

Why is John Snow a confident poker player?

Because he just upped the aunty.

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A young man is buying condoms at a confidence store but doesn’t know how to put them in right.

He goes to the person behind the desk to ask for help when he notices that she is a beautiful blond young woman.
He asks her how to put them on so she takes them out of the box and puts one over her thumb.
“Do you get it?” she asks him, but he doesn’t understand.
So she takes him into a b...

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I used to have confidence issues because of my learning disability.

Until someone told me I put the sexy in dyslexia.

You may laugh but this cheap hairpiece from Walmart has really helped my self-confidence.

It was a small price toupee.

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What would Obama's campaign slogan be if he confidently ran for office in Japan?

Shuriken

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch all die and go to the afterlife.

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch of the Norse gods all die and go to the afterlife.

They find that, waiting for them at the entrance to the afterlife is Anubis, waiting with a set of scales, with a feather on one side.

Above Anubis is a sign, "You wait with your heart, if less than f...

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Why was the topologist confident about performing a vasectomy?

Because open balls are in his neighborhood

A young boy deposit 100$ everyday in the bank...

One day the general manager noticed the young boy and asked the clerk about him. He then told him that the young boy comes everyday and deposit exactly $100 each time. So the manager told the clerk to send him the lil boy the next time he comes to the bank. The next day the boy comes in and he's sen...

What's the difference between confident and confidential?

A father and son were having breakfast one morning when the son asked: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?" Thinking about it for a bit, the father replied: "Well... You are my son, and of that I am confident. Now, your friend Johnny is also my son. That's confidential...

A teenager is trying to decide where to go to college.

He's stuck at a crossroads between three schools - Harvard, Hampden-Sydney, and Alabama. To try and get some guidance, he asks his father,

"Well, what are my chances of getting laid at Harvard?"

"Oh, not good at all," his father says. "They're too focused on studying and working to hav...

After checking my wallet, I stood in front of the vending machine and confidently said to myself...

"I have what it takes."

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The Pope contracts a rare terminal illness.

The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation. After much debate and research, they determined that the only hope to save the Pope's life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the p...

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A man went to the store to buy some raisins...

When he got there, he asked a cashier, "What aisle are the..."

"...raisins in?" she asked.

"How... how did you know?"

"I am a psychic. I can read minds."

"Really? Well then, what am I..."

"Thinking now? You're thinking about what I might look like naked."

"Y...

So my 10 year old daughter asked me, “What’s the difference between Confidence and Confidential?”

Well I thought about it carefully and said “as I am your Dad, you are my daughter, of that I am Confident. Your friend Sally down the street is also my daughter, that is Confidential!”

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You're going to need more of that confidence now.

A rich CEO flies his private jet across the country to get an appointment with the best gynecologist in the business.

"Doctor," he says, "I'm not happy with the state of my sex life, and I want to you to castrate me today."

The doctor is shocked and asks, "Oh my... Okay, have you thoug...

My friend told me I didnthave the confidence to farm rocks.

You should have seen the look on his face when I grew boulder.

I finally got the confidence to be a peeping tom

For the longest time, I was just beating around the bush

What do you call the state of having confidence?

I'm sorry, it's confidential.

What do you call a black and yellow insect that isn't overly confident in itself?

A humblebee.

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Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, “I’m so pissed off!”

“What happened?” asked the bartender politely.

“See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her goddamned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window an...

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It was probably my worst moment of judgement, feeling over confident and giving Dwayne Johnson a big ol’ smack on his ass.

I hit Rock bottom.

I lacked confidence in my ability as a sheep shearer....until I started shearing female sheep....

Ewes make me feel like a natural woolman....

TIL: Government officials can sometimes be removed from office with "a vote of no confidence"

Which is eerily similar to how many entered into office with "a vote of no competence"

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I come off confident and cocky cause i call my dick life.

But really its cause life is short.

Studies show people who carry tactical knives with flashlights are less confident guessers.

They never take a stab in the dark.

One guy wrote on his FB status:

"Last night, even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but l acted responsibly & took an Uber."

400 Likes, 40 Comments. But the best comment was from his best friend:

"Where did you go in UBER bro, party was in your house"

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Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church...

Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church on which a large poster addresses non-Catholics: "Come to us, accept Catholicism, and you instantly get $30,000 in cash!" While walking away, the two friends become engaged in a debate about whether the offer is meant seriously. A week later the two friends ...

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My boyfriend confided in me that he sharted for the first time in his life today.

He said he felt pretty shitty about it.

So I went to a stable for a self confidence boost

I found myself surrounded by a bunch of neigh-sayers.

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A housewife was unsatisfied with her sex life and confides this to her mother who gifted her a magical item.

Wife: "A dildo?"

Mother: "A magical dildo."

Wife: "What's so magical about it."

Mother: "Just say *Magic dildo* and name the body part you want pleasured."

Skeptical but curious, the wife takes the gift and goes to her room where she laid in bed and uttered the magical wo...

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