This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young boy discovers his first swear words on Thanksgiving Day.

A young boy discovers his first swear words on Thanksgiving Day. After aggravating his mother, he's sent outside to play. In the yard, he overhears his neighbors fighting: "You bitch!" "You bastard!" Astounded, he runs back inside and asks his mother, "Mommy mommy! What is a bitch and bastard?"
...

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A teacher in 1st grade at school is angry with a student that always swears and pays no attention to the lesson

"what's your problem?" Teacher asks

"Miss, I think I shouldn't be in the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm far smarter than her. I should be at least in the 3rd grade" he replies.

She goes with him to the principal, with whom agree to do some knowledge tests.

-wha...

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Two boys, 8 and 10 constantly swear...

One evening, when the boys are fighting, the mother gets fed up and decides she is done.

She tells the boys " I've had enough of your potty mouths! The next time I hear you cuss, I'm going to slap you!! Now get to your rooms!!!"

The next morning she is in the kitchen when the boys co...

My friend swears he loves horror movies involving clowns

I'm not certain, but I think he means It.

For her birthday, I got my wife an alarm clock that swears at her instead of ringing.

She’s in for a rude awakening.

I swear

I went to US a few years ago and asked for directions to nearest gas station.

A dude comes up and says" Go straight for 3.5 football field and you will see there is a 4.2 washing machine wide road and 6.8 fridge wide road. Go in the fridge road and you will see the gas station after your c...

"I'm not addicted to cocaine, I swear!"

I only like how it smells

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A 7 year-old and a 4 years-old are in their bedroom. “You know what, I think it’s time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’ll swear first, then you” says the 7 year old. “OK” says the 4 year-old. Mum asks the 7 year-old what he wants for breakfast. “I’ll have Frosties, bitch”

WHACK, he flew out the chair crying his eyes out. Mum looks at the 4 year-old and said sternly! “And what do you want?”

He says “Don’t know, but it won’t be fucking Frosties”

Swearing parrot

So this woman has a parrot that is always swearing and she doesn't know how to make him stop. So she decides to take him to her vet for some advice on it. He tells her to put him in the freezer for 10 seconds next time he swears. So later that day the parrot starts swearing and she decides to try it...

I used to be on of those chefs who shouts and swears a lot

But then I discovered oven mitts

My wife swears the CIA put a listening device in our yard disguised as a tree.

I told her it's just a plant

When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French!” after a swear word...

I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French...

I swear my neighbor is completely crazy! She was walking her dog this morning and talked to it the WHOLE time. She acts like it's a human!

When I got back to my apartment I told my cat all about it. We laughed about it for hours and hours...

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A taxi driver drives a priest home. (Contains swearing)

Taxi driver: Fucking hell these roads are bad.

Priest: Don't say that, say God help us have better roads in the future.

*The taxi driver apologises and continues driving*

Taxi driver: Fucking hell that dude almost killed us with his rechless driving.

Priest: Don't say th...

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I used to swear, smoke, and drink, but now I'm a changed man.

Fuck, I dropped my cigarette in my beer.

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Three boys plan to swear in front of their mom.

After dinner, the mother asks her sons what they want for dessert. The first and eldest son says "I want some goddamn ice cream!" The mother spanks the boy and sends him to his room with no dessert. She then asks the second boy what he wants for dessert, and he tells her "I want some goddamn ice cr...

Women swear they take off their makeup at work

I guess you could call that a 9 to 5

Why does Oedipus never swear?

He kisses his mother with that mouth.

I must be really drunk because I swear I just heard a bar stool ask the pool table if it wanted a fight.

My money's on the pool table.

What do you call a mouse that swears?

A cursor

Wanna watch Mad Max: Fury Road in VR so realistic you'd swear it's real?

Go to America

A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub

The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren’t mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"

The cop, obviously in ...

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Two young boys think it's about time to start swearing.

All of their friends swear, but it's just never been their thing. But tomorrow is the day! They decide to have a sleepover so they can start swearing together.
The morning comes and both boys wake up excitedly and head downstairs to breakfast. The mother asked her son "what would you like for br...

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Kids swearing too much

*I was just reminded of this joke from my high school years. I haven't seen it here but apologies in advance if it was posted in the past.*

A mother is frustrated with three boys constantly swearing, so she tells them that there will be harsh consequences for cursing starting tomorrow. The ne...

I swear I’ve had this brand of brothy sandwich dip, before!

Never mind, label says it’s just “Dave’s Au Jus.”

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I swear people get 500 times cuter when they talk about whay they are passionate about

Unless its Hitler, then its only nein times cuter

People with synesthesia shouldn't usually get bothered when people swear a lot.

To them, everyone has colorful language.

A little boy was walking down a road.

A policeman comes up to him and asks him whether he has seen a thief running away.
The little boy says, "Go along this road, and you will come upon and intersection of four roads.
Go along the fourth road, and you will find four wide alleys.
Go in the fourth alley and you will come acros...

A Jew, an Hindu and Karen survive a plane crash in the woods

They walk together trough the woods throughout the day and into the night looking for help.

At last, they find a little wooden house with a lit window and a barn next to it.

The Jewish man says:

"Finally, someone who can help us! Let's ask the owner if we can stay the night and ...

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So a priest is walking across the market and he hears a fisher yell”DAMN FISH GET YOUR DAMN FISH” so the priest walks up to the fisher and says “you can’t just swear like that you’ll make god angry” on which the fisher replies “this is an misunderstanding these fish were caught at the dam they’re

Dam fish” The priests understands what the fisher means and buys 2 dam fish when he comes home the priest asks his wife “can you cook these dam fish for supper tomorrow”on which the wife replies surprised”dear you’re a priest you can’t just swear like that” on which the priest explains the situation...

Warrior: "I swear, I will have revenge for the death of my brother!"

Elf: "You have my bow!"

Dwarf: "And my axe!"

Necromancer: "And your brother!"

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Long but gold, Couldn’t find it posted before. Marked NSFW for swearing. But how on earth this man gunna get broccoli??

There’s a grocery store, with a giant sign first thing in the doors that says “no broccoli”.

A man walks into this grocery store, walks up to the counter and says “hey man, you got any broccoli?”
The cashier looks at him and says “nah man we have no broccoli, sign out front says no brocco...

“ I swear i will kill someone if they fire me”

Said the bullet

I swear English is friend's second language, despite what he says.

Today he told me,
"I'm not that illiterate."

My dad swears by putting horse manure on his rhubarb

But I find it tastes much better with custard

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Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

...."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."


The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your ass and lick it al...

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Two brothers, a 6-year-old and a 5-year-old, decide that today is the day they will learn how to swear..

The 6-year-old says, "I'm gonna say the word 'damn,' " and the 5-year-old replies with glee, "I'll say the word 'ass,' " and they giggle and wait for their opportunity. Mother calls for them to come down for breakfast. They run downstairs, into the kitchen, and jump on the stools.

"What woul...

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Little Johnny has the foulest mouth in his first grade class

All the teachers at the school know this. One day, a teacher starts teaching her class the alphabet.

She says, "Class, who can give me a word that starts with the letter A?"

Little Johnny raises his hand, but the teacher knows Johnny is going to use a swear word, so she picks someone e...

Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

Me: No.

Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?

Parenting is easy, I swear

Whenever I say a bad word, I have to put a dollar in the swear jar, and at the end of every month, I take all that money and buy myself a nice steak for being such a cool dad

I swear, if one more person talks about limes and coronavirus...

I might just have to make myself a drink.

Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in...

It’s currently half empty...

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Three girls, a blonde, a readhead and a brunette, are having lunch break together...

The brunette opens her lunchbox and sighs:"My husband is so kind, he prepares my lunch every day but... Again a tuna sandwich?"

The readhead opens hers and sighs too:"Crap, tuna sandwich for me too... Again!"

The blonde opens hers and goes:"Guess what? I got the same t...

A 911 operator is sitting at her desk when she gets a call.

"911 What's your emergency?" She answers.

"My friend and I were walking through the woods when he just collapsed. I think he died." A man responds. He is very nervous

"Ok, calm down. First, make sure he's dead." The operator replies.

There's a silence on the phone. Then, there's...

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Dear Midwest Diary...

Aug. 1

Moved to our new home in Chicago. It is so beautiful here.

The city is so picturesque. Can hardly wait to see it covered

with snow. I LOVE IT HERE!

Oct. 14

Chicago is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are

turning all different colo...

A drunk driver is being interrogated

Detective : okay buddy, walk me through the whole thing, from the top

Driver : I don't know, it all happened so fast, I need a drink of water..

Detective : Your water is on its way. But first, tell me if this was premeditated.

Driver : NO! I swear, I just lost control of the car...

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in for a penny, in for a pound

A farmer is in the outhouse, and when he pulls up his pants, a quarter rolls out of his pocket and falls down the hole. He swears and pulls out his wallet and throws down a $5 bill. Later as he's telling his wife about the ordeal, she asks, “Wait, why’d you throw in the $5 bill?” He replied, “Well I...

A couple has 4 sons

The first three were tall with straight brown hair and brown eyes, but their youngest son was short with curly blond hair and blue eyes. When the husband was on his deathbed, he called his wife over and asked, "Is that 4th son mine?"
His wife said, "I swear, on all things holy, that child is your...

If a deaf kid swears in sign language,

does his mom wash his hands with soap?

HUSBAND: (watching a video) Don't do it! I swear you gonna regret it for the rest of your life. You stupid idiot! Don't say yes! No! No! NOOO!! Aw dang, he actually did it! What a dumb ass!

WIFE: Honey, why you so mad? What are you watching?

HUSBAND: Our wedding ceremony.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to fire an Employee...

All the members of the company's Board of Directors were called into the Chairman's office, one after another, until only Ted, the junior member, was left sitting outside.

Finally it was his turn to be summoned.

Ted entered the office to find the Chairman and the other four Directors s...

God In The Parking Lot

A man is struggling to find a parking space. “Lord,” he prays. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space for me, I swear that I’ll give up the drink and go to church every Sunday.”

Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines down on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man says “Nev...

Poor daddy

A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and brown eyes.

The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said “Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son tru...

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Dave wanted to send a letter to his girlfriend..

So he goes to the nearby market to buy an envelope. Just as he is about to enter the store, a man rushes out the market, furious,yelling and swearing. Dave didn't want to get in the mans way and just lets him pass. He enters the store and finds the cashier, a young lady, crying.

"Is everythi...

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A young couple that tragically died in a car crash before they could get married meets up in heaven.

As they are walking one day silently discussing something, God happens to be walking by and overhears their whispers.

God: My children, why do I hear two young people in love quarreling, what could be the problem?

Guy: Well we were actually just on our way to you and we were arguing ab...

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A businessman has designed a clock which moves one minute forward whenever it hears someone swear. To test it, he decided to set it up in three bars different bars.

First he went to a Japanese bar and anonymously set up the clock on one of the walls.

A day later, he returns to that bar to see that the clock is only one minute too early from the current time.

He repeats the process, but now in an American bar.

A day later he returns to see t...

I translated this joke from Arabic

An engineer school graduate opened a clinic. If he were able to solve the patient's problem he would charge £1000. However, if he couldn't treat the patient he would give them £5000.

The engineer was soon making more money than the real doctor's clinic nearby. The doctor was confused and deci...

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Some asshole thought that he could cut lanes and drive over the limit because he had a fancy and expensive vehicle. So I slowed him down 10 miles below the limit

Fucking Ambulances, I swear

My friend swears he's a 1980s popstar

I keep trying to talk him out of it but he's Adam Ant





Not my joke it's an oldie but it always makes me laugh

In court

Judge: Do your swear to speak the truth and nothing other than the truth?

Convicted: depends, if it is something super personal like, what I ate at 3 days ago, I might lie

The convicted was being accused of cannibalism

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We had the ‘swear jar’ in our home when I was growing up.

When I pissed off my mother, she would throw $20 in the jar and then beat the shit out of me.

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My son was sent home from school for swearing today.

I said, "what did you say?"

"The 'C' word."

I said "It wasn't clever, was it?"

He said, "no it was cunt."

I hate my job at the morgue, nobody gets my sense of humor.

I swear I’m working with a bunch of stiffs.

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I dropped my swear jar

About a hundred motherfuckers escaped.

My son came out of the closet today

I swear his body keeps falling out I knew I should have brought a better lock

A young man is finally about to leave for college

His things are all packed up and he is at the door.

"Father, i'm about to leave." He said.

"Son, im so proud of you. I wanted to give you a little gift before you go." His father said emotionally.

He reached out and hands him car keys.

"I want you to take the family car a...

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A five-year-old and a four-year-old decide to start swearing...

A five-year-old and a four-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the five-year-old, "I think it's about time we start swearing." The four-year-old nods his head in approval. The 5-year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say "hell", and you sa...

(Cringe alert)How to swear in decent way?

You mothertrucker son of the rich!

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I don't drink, smoke nor swear and I alwa....

Oh god fucking dammit, my cigarette fell into my beer

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Tonks: Remus, I swear, I have no idea how those dog hairs got there...

Remus: Are you fucking Sirius?!

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(LONG) A woman walks into a parrot shop....

She points at a bird and says "I'll take that one please." "Be careful" warns the shopkeeper "That ones a real pervert." "Don't worry" replies the woman "I know how to deal with it"

Later that day, the woman puts the bird in her bedroom and begins to undress. Once the lady took her shorts off...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two years ago, my friend told me the worst joke I'd ever heard. Here it is for those of you who don't know it

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to ge...

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Little Johnny won’t quit swearing. NSFW

My dad told me this joke many many years ago. It is by far my favorite little Johnny joke. I’ve searched the archives of Reddit and haven’t seen it posted before so here goes:

Little Johnny’s parents were having problems with him swearing and couldn’t get him to stop, so his dad goes to a psy...

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A high school has a $10 swear fine.

One day during gym class, Peter gets caught saying “shit”.


He gives the teacher a twenty and says:


“Keep the fucking change.”

The best thing about being able to speak to 2 languages and having kids who can only speak one is that I can swear at them in one language but express love in another...

If only they spoke the 2nd language, they'd know how much I love them.

Nguyen, who saw by touch. It's original, I swear!

Did you hear about the blind Thai man who was able to tell what race people were by touch? It's true! Just by feeling their hand, old man Nguyen could tell you if somebody was European, African, Polynesian, or American. He was best at Asian countries, just by practice, and could even tell what count...

Why did the castle keep swearing?

It had turrets.

I swear I do get my news from multiple sources...

Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

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How freshmen lifted a tank in the Russian army

Captain orders his group of freshmen to go underneath the tank and lift it by pushing the bottom of it with legs.

- But Captain, it's a tank?!

Freshmen asked surprised. But Captain was serious, it was an order after all.

So they get under the tank and start pushing it.

...

A blind guy (Dale) goes to a lumber yard looking for a job. Once he finds the freemans office he introduces himself and asks for a job.

The foreman (Greg) is unsure how a blind guy can work at a lumber yard and expresses his concerns.

Dale explains that bind people usually have heightened senses in the other areas. In his case his sense of smell is extra keen.

Greg tells him Dale that he doesn't understand how that wi...

Interpol developed a test to figure out the best Law enforcement team in the world. Today's test involved the Scotland Yard, the FBI and Rio's Military Police.

The test consisted of releasing a bunny in the woods and giving it a 1 hour head start. The police department that found the bunny in the least amount of time would go on to the next phase.

First one to go was Scotland Yard. Using their best detectives, deductive skills and evidence analysis,...

Two Mexicans going for a walk, one says to the other...

“Hey mang, around the corner over there, there’s a bacon tree”. The other guy confused says “Papichulo, what are you talking about?”

So he insists, “I swear to you, mang, there’s a bacon tree around the corner over there!”. And so the other guy says “OK, show me, let’s go check it out.”
...

Which flowers swear?

Hibiscusses.

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My high school had a $10 penalty for swearing on campus.

A student was heard saying “shit” in the lunchroom, so he was sent to the principal’s office. When the principal made him pay up, the student gave him a 20 and told him to “keep the fucking change.”

I apologize for the coin shortage.

I started a swear jar.

A penguin is driving along...

A penguin is driving along when he starts having engine trouble, lights blinking...steam hissing..

He pulls over at the first repair shop he sees and the mechanic comes out to meet him. After a minute or two, the mechanic tells the penguin, "I'm a little backed up now, but if you give me a co...

I *SWEAR* I'm not addicted to brake fluid...

I can stop whenever I want

I will NEVER EVER set a foot in this office again unless boss takes his words back, I swear!

This morning he said, "You are fired."

Redneck is swearing

He gets asked if he kisses his mother with that mouth to which he replys - why would I, my sister is much prettier

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Little Johnny swears all the time

His mother is at hers wit’s end. So she went to consult with a Priest.

“My daughter, sometimes we have to strike where it hurts the most, to educate our children. Let me ask you, do you give your son a monthly allowance?”

“Yes, Father, I give him 50 bucks.”

“So, every time he u...

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My friend made a vow that he would never swear.

But then one day he said fuck it.

My brother swears that he has to stay horizontal due to an ear infection and that it's therefore not unreasonable to expect me to cook all his meals.

I'm not sure whether I believe him though as he lies a lot.

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Swear you won't get mad

* Her: Do these pants make me look fat?
* Him: Do you swear you won't get mad if I tell you the truth?
* Her: I won't get mad, honey. You can tell me.
* Him: I'm fucking your sister.

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Two friends decide to go on their honeymoon together...

One evening while the women are in their own rooms, the men drinking at the pub below their lodge,

Rob: I bet a 100 dollars I can fuck way more than you ever could in a night.

Dan: I don’t think so! I would like to compare numbers tomorrow morning at breakfast!

Rob: you know how...

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A alien walks into a bar

He orders a drink. After some time he taps the waiter and says "beep". After 5 minutes he does it again. He does it repeatedly until the waiter says "I swear to God, if you do that one more time I'm gonna chop your balls off!" Alien responds "I don't have any balls". The waiter says "Then how do yo...

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Translated joke

During the lockdown a bored lion was wondering around in the jungle looking for some company
He came across a monkey on very high tree
Lion: Hello friend would you come down to chat
Monkey: no you are just hungry and going to eat me.
Lion: I swear I won’t eat you just come down please....

There was this one bike trail I took and I swear, at every turn it tried to kill me.

I hope I never see that crazy cycle path ever again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's little Johnny's first day of a new school. His mum takes the teacher aside and says "unfortunately my ex had a terrible mouth on him, so Johnny swears every other word, try not to let him speak in class". That day they're doing the alphabet...

The teacher says "Who has a word that starts with A?" and little Johnny's hand goes straight up. Teacher thinks 'oh no, lot's of A words he might say' and chooses someone else.


"Who has a word starting with B?" and once again Johnny's hand shoots up. This carries on for every letter u...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young boy and his brother decide to swear.

One morning, a young boy and his little brother wake up and decide today is the day they swear in front of their parents. So the oldest says, “When I go downstairs, I’ll swear first and then you after me, okay?

They walk down to the kitchen for breakfast and their mother asks,
“What would...

I recently went to an Egyptian business seminar....

I'm telling you though, I swear it was some kind of pyramid scheme man.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was accused of harassment at work today.

When I told my wife she said, "Harassment what?"
I said, "I swear baby her ass meant nothing to me!"

The only Russian swear word I know

Bourgeoisie

My autocorrect is finally suggesting swear words.

However, now I have to be careful when I'm actually talking to my mom about ducks.

When I was in band, there was this one drummer who just kept on swearing...

... they were always per-cussin'.

My wife does not believe me, but I swear I never see her trying to get my attention to help in the kitchen.

She microwaves.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to stop swearing

But I cunt.

I said to a Lady at the bus stop, when is it due? She started shouting and swearing, I am not F*cking pregnant.

I replied, I was on about the bus you fat cow..

Why do clocks swear a lot?

Because they have a tick.

I swear...

Everybody’s birthday is this year

I am unable to stop swearing no matter how much I try

It truly is a curse.

What does someone with a history or violence who digs up coal, and an 11 year old who swears at you during online hames have in common?

They're both offensive minors.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joke from an old friend

A couple lives on a farm and always has the habit of saying swear words to one another. One day they finally had a baby girl. When the girl was about 4 years old she kept hearing her parents say “fuck.” So she finally asked her mother, “Mama, what does fuck mean?” Her mother replies “I’m not sure de...

Don't Swear At Other Drivers!

Eddie was driving down the road and a met a car coming the other way.  Although there was room to pass easily, Eddie forced the oncoming car to slow down and wound down his window and shouted 'Pig'.  The other driver looked in his rear view mirror and swore at Eddie.  Then his car hit the pig.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a Mormon who likes to smoke, drink, swear and have sex with strangers?

An oxymormon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was walking through the park, when these two kids started verbally abusing me. So I told them off.

Then the mother got involved with a real volley of the worst swear words I have ever heard. So I asked her, are the children twins? She said how the fuck can they be twins? One is 12 the other is 8 you stupid fucking Prick. I replied, I couldn't imagine anyone fucking you twice..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Susie goes to church every Sunday, but she has trouble staying awake during class...

Little Johnny sits behind her, and one day a nun comes up to Susie and asks her,

“What is the name of out lord and savior?”

Little Johnny pokes Susie in the back with a stick to wake her up, she jolts up and yells

“Jesus Christ!”

“Very good Susie.”

She falls back a...

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Head teacher knocks on a parents door, then mother answers, he says "I've come over your little Johnny swearing in class"

She said "it's them bastards next door, i'm fucking sick of it. Come and have a word with his father whilst you're here" the teacher says "no, i'd better fuck off now, cya later".

I painted my living room white the other day and for a short while I could swear it looked slightly blue....

...then I realised it was just a pigment of my imagination.

Last week I got a picture framed

Now it's doing 10 years for armed robbery but swears that it's innocent

Why do deaf people never swear?

Because they always watch their language.

So my wife said to me, "I swear, it's like all men share one brain"

I wanted to think of a clever comeback, but it wasn't my turn to use the brain

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It really annoys me when people put swear words at the end of their joke just to make it funny.

Cunts.

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