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Swear Jokes

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

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Swear you won't get mad

* Her: Do these pants make me look fat?
* Him: Do you swear you won't get mad if I tell you the truth?
* Her: I won't get mad, honey. You can tell me.
* Him: I'm fucking your sister.

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Little Johnny's mother was upset about her son's swearing habit, so she takes him to the church.

There, the priest is waiting. After finishing her own confessions, Little Johnny's mother talks about her situation.

"I don't know what to do with my son anymore, Father," she says. "He started a while ago to say swear words, and now he is saying one in every sentence."

"Why, I have ju...

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I swear autocorrect is amazing.

No that's not what I said, I meant to say autocorrect is wonderful.

No! That's not it either. Autocorrect is a piece of technology I couldn't live without. Praise autocorrect.

Oh you gotta be kidding me. No one likes you autocorrect, they love you.

I didn't even type that.
<...

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A 7 year old & 4 year old are in their bedroom. “You know what” says 7 year old “I think its time we started swearing…

A 7 year old & 4 year old are in their bedroom. "You know what" says 7 year old
"I think its time we started swearing.
When we go downstairs for breakfast I'lI swear first then you".
"OK" says 4 year old.
Mum asks 7 yr old what he wants for breakfast. "I'II have Coco pops, bitch"....

I *SWEAR* I'm not addicted to brake fluid...

I can stop whenever I want

On her death bed, the Sheriff's wife confesses that she cheated on him three times, but swears it was always for a good reason. He asks what happened,

and she says, "Well, the first time, remember when Dr. Smith said he we couldn't afford the operation, and then he changed his mind and did it for free?" He says yes, and forgives her. "And the second time, do you remember when our boy got a DUI, and the judge let him off with probation?" He says ye...

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Do not swear or god will punish you.

A man who is a habitual swearer is playing golf. And a priest is watching him playing. He takes his first shot, misses it. Mad, he says “fuck i missed it”. The priest says, “son, do not swear or god will punish you”. The man flips him and takes another shot. He completely misses it again. Furious, h...

What do you call a mouse that swears?

A cursor

A man is playing golf, but keeps missing all his shots, and swearing, until a priest comes up to him and tells him not to use the lords name in vain.

"Jesus's christ! Missed again!" The golfer shouts in anger. "You mustn't swear like that, or God will enact his wrath on you." The priest explains. But the man doesn't listen.

His next shot is even further off. "Jesus christ! Missed again." The man yells in anger. The priest explains again, h...

What do you call fancy swearing?

Cursive

Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in...

It’s currently half empty...

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What do you call a Mormon who likes to smoke, drink, swear and have sex with strangers?

An oxymormon.

How do cyclical pirates swear?

By Recursing.

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Two brothers learn to swear

And they recently learned the F word. So during breakfast, one morning, they figured it would be cool to try it out on their dad. When Dad asked “hey kids, what would you like for breakfast?”, the eldest boy responds “Dad. Give us a bowl of fucking Wheaties!”.

Angered by this response the da...

I swear if I hear Uptown Funk one more time...

I will smash my radio. Don't believe me? Just watch

I swear, nothing is made in America anymore.

My new TV says "Built In Antenna," and I don't even know where the hell that is!!!

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I had to pick my son up from school earlier after he was caught swearing.

When we got home I told my wife “apparently he said the C word”

Well that wasn’t clever, was it?”

“No, it was cunt”

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Swearing for the first time

A 5 yr old was in his room with his 3 yr old brother. He says "Charlie, I think we should start swearing.. If everyone else can do it, so can we". So they go downstairs to breakfast, where their mother is waiting for them. She asks what they would like for breakfast. The 5 yr old says "Coco pops, bi...

So you know how things hurt less when you swear?

I call it Ibuprofanity

I swear, if I got a nickel for every spam call I got

I would finally be able to pay for my car's extended warranty

Which NFL players swear the most?

The offensive linemen

What animal swears the mos

The hippopottymouth

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Two boys, 8 and 10 constantly swear...

One evening, when the boys are fighting, the mother gets fed up and decides she is done.

She tells the boys " I've had enough of your potty mouths! The next time I hear you cuss, I'm going to slap you!! Now get to your rooms!!!"

The next morning she is in the kitchen when the boys co...

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I accidentally dropped my swear jar

About 700 motherfuckers escaped.

I dropped my swear jar on my foot.

Just to see if I'd learnt anything.

Warrior: I swear I will have my revenge for the death of my brother!

Elf: You have my bow.

Dwarf: And my axe.

Necromancer: And your brother.

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Little Johnny won’t quit swearing. NSFW

My dad told me this joke many many years ago. It is by far my favorite little Johnny joke. I’ve searched the archives of Reddit and haven’t seen it posted before so here goes:

Little Johnny’s parents were having problems with him swearing and couldn’t get him to stop, so his dad goes to a psy...

A 911 operator is sitting at her desk when she gets a call.

"911 What's your emergency?" She answers.

"My friend and I were walking through the woods when he just collapsed. I think he died." A man responds. He is very nervous

"Ok, calm down. First, make sure he's dead." The operator replies.

There's a silence on the phone. Then, there's...

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Two young boys think it's about time to start swearing.

All of their friends swear, but it's just never been their thing. But tomorrow is the day! They decide to have a sleepover so they can start swearing together.
The morning comes and both boys wake up excitedly and head downstairs to breakfast. The mother asked her son "what would you like for br...

It makes me sick when people forget to add an apostrophe. I swear if it happens again...

I'll be ill

A friend of mine asked me if there’s any swearing in Oedipus

I said there better not be, he kisses his mother with that mouth.

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A five-year-old and a four-year-old decide to start swearing...

A five-year-old and a four-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the five-year-old, "I think it's about time we start swearing." The four-year-old nods his head in approval. The 5-year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say "hell", and you sa...

If a deaf kid swears in sign language,

does his mom wash his hands with soap?

Why is Oedipus against swearing?

He kisses his mother with that mouth!

A guy gets on an airplane and finds himself sitting next to a talking duck.

A gorgeous young stewardess comes by and asks the guy and the duck if they would like anything to drink.

"I would like a cup of coffee, please," says the guy.

"And I'd like a can of beer, you ugly pig!" shouts the duck.

The stewardess goes and gets a can of beer for the duck. Bu...

I swear

I went to US a few years ago and asked for directions to nearest gas station.

A dude comes up and says" Go straight for 3.5 football field and you will see there is a 4.2 washing machine wide road and 6.8 fridge wide road. Go in the fridge road and you will see the gas station after your c...

I swear...

Everybody’s birthday is this year

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This asshole thought that just because some fancy, expensive vehicle, he could go as fast as he wanted and weave inbetween cars. So I got in front of him and slowed down to 10kmph below the speed limit lmao

Fuckin ambulances I swear

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Don't judge a person for drinking and swearing

judge the quiet sober ones..Those fuckers are up to something.

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"I love you lots snuggles" said my girlfriend

"And I love you tons" I replied.
"Wow fine, you don't have a nickname for me?" She said angrily.
Sometimes I swear the fat cunt's going deaf.

I swear you can’t make this up!

My son just asked me if the tv show ‘Orange is the new Black’ is about Trump and Obama!

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I swear to god I did not go out Bowling

A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he know...

Joke about a Pole in a swearing competition

A contest was set up. By who? Nobody knows.


But, the general gist was this - whoever can maintain the longest flow of cursewords wins... something.


And so, a Britton, a Frenchman, a Russian and a Pole get into the finals. Each have their own booths to psyche up and prepare for ...

So my wife said to me, "I swear, it's like all men share one brain"

I wanted to think of a clever comeback, but it wasn't my turn to use the brain

Swearing parrot

So this woman has a parrot that is always swearing and she doesn't know how to make him stop. So she decides to take him to her vet for some advice on it. He tells her to put him in the freezer for 10 seconds next time he swears. So later that day the parrot starts swearing and she decides to try it...

Why do Yakuza swear a loyalty oath?

Because they can't do pinky promises.

A child got caught swearing in class today.

The teacher told him to stop saying those words. She also implies that he doesn't even know what it means

The child responded "I know what it means"

The teacher said "Oh yeah? Then what does it mean?"

The student said "It's when the car won't start"

Four cannibals apply for a job in a big corporation…

„Well“, says the boss, „if I hire you guys, you have to promise to not eat any of our staff.“

The cannibals promise that they will not eat anyone and get hired.

Everything is going well for a while, and one day the boss calls them into his office.

“You’re working well and all, ...

How to swear like an Irishman...

"Whale oil beef hooked!"

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A man has a parrot that likes to swear.

One night, a girl he's been dating for a while, is coming over to his place. So he grabs the parrot by the neck and tells him

"Listen you little shit, no swearing tonight, alright!? Also I will tie two string on your legs, and when the girl pull one of them I want you to come up with a compl...

I swear to god if my girlfriend calls me immature one more time...

She's never getting her nose back.

I used to be on of those chefs who shouts and swears a lot

But then I discovered oven mitts

How do you get nine grandmas to swear?

Make the tenth one shout "bingo!"

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when the boys started to swear...

There are two brothers, aged four and six.

The six year old says "You know, it's about time we started to swear."

The four year old says "OK."

The six year old says "From now on I'll say 'HELL' and you say 'ASS.'

"The four year old says "OK."

So they go downstairs ...

Swear on my life this is a true story. An experienced cook in my kitchen just slipped and fell in a fryer....

Was mostly ok, definitely could have gone worse as far as oil burns go. His elbow and a portion of his forearm were burned pretty serious and the whole kitchen had stopped and the sous chef was giving him medical attention when the new young cook, who people were still trying to warm up to, goes...

In Ireland there is a tradition that holds that a dying man may ask one last question, and that it be answered truthfully.

Seamus had come to the end of his days; his time on this planet was short. Gathered around him was his wife and his four sons. Three of his sons were fine, tall men but the fourth...wasn't. Aiden was a bit scrawny, and quite thin. Seamus says to his wife:

"Mary...I've not much time left. So I...

My wife swears the CIA put a listening device in our yard disguised as a tree.

I told her it's just a plant

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Virgin?

"I went for coffee with a 24-year-old blonde who told me she was a virgin.

I got suspicious and asked her:

"Can you swear you're really a virgin?"

She replied:

"I swear! I swear on my children".

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There are two types of people: those that are comfortable swearing

...and fucking pussies

Which flowers swear?

Hibiscusses.

Redneck is swearing

He gets asked if he kisses his mother with that mouth to which he replys - why would I, my sister is much prettier

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There is a magical swearing prostitute

Ho cuss poke ass

I swear, people keep putting their Christmas decorations up earlier and earlier every year.

Christmas is 364 days away, can’t they wait?

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Struggles of passwords

"Set password:"

carrot

"Password must be at least 8 characters."

boiled carrot

"Password must contain at least 1 number."

1 boiled carrot

"Password cannot contain spaces."

50boiledcarrots

"Password must contain at least 1 capital."

50FUC...

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Kids swearing too much

*I was just reminded of this joke from my high school years. I haven't seen it here but apologies in advance if it was posted in the past.*

A mother is frustrated with three boys constantly swearing, so she tells them that there will be harsh consequences for cursing starting tomorrow. The ne...

If you carve a swear word into a weapon

Does that make it do curse damage?

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A sweet, little old lady walks into a bar frequented by the baddest biker gang around.

She walks up to the leader, a real mountain of a man, and say she wants to join. He can barely contain his laughter, and decides to have some fun with her before he tells her off.

"Do you even own a bike?" he asks.

"I do. It's parked right outside."

"Do you swear?"

"More ...

I've gone back to customer service after two years of working from home and it's been a bit of a shock. The yelling, the swearing, the threats of physical violence.

I'm really struggling to break these habits, any advice?

“ I swear i will kill someone if they fire me”

Said the bullet

My friend swears he loves horror movies involving clowns

I'm not certain, but I think he means It.

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Little Johnny swears all the time

His mother is at hers wit’s end. So she went to consult with a Priest.

“My daughter, sometimes we have to strike where it hurts the most, to educate our children. Let me ask you, do you give your son a monthly allowance?”

“Yes, Father, I give him 50 bucks.”

“So, every time he u...

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Man goes to the doctor and says... (dirty/swearing)

Man says, ‘Dr, Dr, I think I may have gonorrhea!!’

Dr: ‘Don’t stress, we’ll fix you up with some antibiotics before you leave.’

Man: ‘No Dr, you don’t understand, I’ve been fucking the maid and I think she may have it too.’

Dr: ‘Ah, I see. Ok, make her an appointment also’.
...

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Have you guys heard of the swear-wolf?

it goes "FUCK YYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

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So a kid heard his mom swear

So a kid heard his mom yell "FUCK" he asks "what does "fuck" mean?"
so his mom not wanting to teach her kid a bad word she says "it means cutting"
the kid goes upstairs and sees his dad in the bathroom, his dad yells "SHIT"
the kid asks "dad what does shit mean?"
his dad also not wantin...

Parenting is easy, I swear

Whenever I say a bad word, I have to put a dollar in the swear jar, and at the end of every month, I take all that money and buy myself a nice steak for being such a cool dad

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According to West Virginia law, if you swear in public you’re liable to pay $1 to a swear jar...

...fuck.

I swear I just troll-dadded this on the spot when my daughter asked...

"Dad, what's a preposition?"

"A preposition is a word that you never, ever end a sentence with."

The Priest who couldn't swear!

Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner. On the 1st hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter, “Hoover!” under his breath.

On the 2nd hole, Father Murphy’s ball went straight into a water hazard. “Hoover!” again, a little louder this time.

On the 3rd hole,...

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Four nuns die and go to the heaven

They line up in front of the gates of heaven, and an angel asks them some questions to let them in.

The first nun comes, and the angel asks "What do you know about a dick?". She replies "I've heard of it." The angel shows her a bowl of holy water and tells her to wash her ears with it. Nun do...

For Christmas, I gave my wife an alarm clock that swears instead of beeping.

She’s in for a rude awakening.

Why do deaf people never swear?

Because they always watch their language.

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American tells to his Russian colleague:

"When Trump passes by, we all swear, spit, and throw rotten fruit on him"

The Russian:

"When Putin passes by, we all piss on him"

The American:

"I exaggerated a little - we swear whispering, spit aside, and while throwing, we don't hit".

The Russian:

"And I ...

My friends and family swear I’m addicted to cocaine, but I’m not.

I just like the smell.

The phone rings at the local police station. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at ...

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Three boys plan to swear in front of their mom.

After dinner, the mother asks her sons what they want for dessert. The first and eldest son says "I want some goddamn ice cream!" The mother spanks the boy and sends him to his room with no dessert. She then asks the second boy what he wants for dessert, and he tells her "I want some goddamn ice cr...

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A high school has a $10 swear fine.

One day during gym class, Peter gets caught saying “shit”.


He gives the teacher a twenty and says:


“Keep the fucking change.”

An Irishman is walking on a beach when he stubs his toe on an old metal box

He opens the lid
And a Genie pops out and praises him for letting him out after 500 years…

He offers him a wish… and the Irishman says… every evening after dinner when I pee, I want to pee the finest Irish Whiskey…

Done says the genie and vanishes in a flash…

That evening af...

I told my son it's ok to swear at the gun range

Because yelling "SHOOT" is just to dangerous

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A dude walks into a restaurant and says,

"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?"

The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of thi...

My friend swears he's a 1980s popstar

I keep trying to talk him out of it but he's Adam Ant





Not my joke it's an oldie but it always makes me laugh

Why did the castle keep swearing?

It had turrets.

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I don't drink, smoke nor swear and I alwa....

Oh god fucking dammit, my cigarette fell into my beer

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Learning to Swear

Two brothers, 7 and 5, decide one evening that they are getting older, and it's time they learned to swear. The older brother says that he will work on "Damn" and the younger brother agrees to refine his usage of "Ass".

The next morning, the brothers come down the stairs and their mother asks...

Don't Swear At Other Drivers!

Eddie was driving down the road and a met a car coming the other way.  Although there was room to pass easily, Eddie forced the oncoming car to slow down and wound down his window and shouted 'Pig'.  The other driver looked in his rear view mirror and swore at Eddie.  Then his car hit the pig.

Why do clocks swear a lot?

Because they have a tick.

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Swearing Little Johnny

During class little Johnny kept swearing, everything was fuck this and fuck that.

Teacher, "Johnny, that is not a word a ten year old should be using."

Little Johnny, "There are worse words than that miss, like murder and death."

Teacher, "No Johnny, the word you keep saying ...

What are you stealing?

I worked at a factory making furniture. Every night I would leave the gate with a wheelbarrow full of sawdust and every night the factory guard checked through the sawdust as I left, looking for what I might be stealing… but I was too cleaver, he never found anything!

After 20 years, the guar...

People with synesthesia shouldn't usually get bothered when people swear a lot.

To them, everyone has colorful language.

My autocorrect is finally suggesting swear words.

However, now I have to be careful when I'm actually talking to my mom about ducks.

I swear I've just seen Michael J Fox in my local Garden Centre....

Can't be 100% certain though as he had his Back to the Fuchsia.

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I swear people get 10 times cuter when they talk about what they're passionate about.

Unless it's Hitler.
Then it's only nein times cuter.

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No Swearing

A woman gets a phone call from the school where her twin boys attend, informing her that they have been suspended for swearing and are not allowed to return until they change their behaviour.

The woman is livid. She goes to school, drags them to the car by their ears and sends them to their ...

A young Irish girl goes to confession...

...and says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

The priest replies, “Go ahead, my child.”

“Well”, she says, “Last night I made love to me boyfriend... FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear it was as though I was seein’ the stars in my passio...

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kids should never swear

one afternoon these two brothers were talking, one was 5 and the other was 6, the 6 year old said 'tomorrow, we are going to swear in front of mom'

so the next day the mom asked 'what cereal do you boys want?'

'fucking cornflakes' replayed the 6 year old, the mom sent him to his room. ...

A mechanic was secretly drinking brake fluid at the garage where he worked. On some days he would even drink a whole pint of the stuff. One day his boss found out and confronted him about it.

The mechanic said “It won’t become a problem, boss, I swear I can stop whenever I want!”

I swear, if one more person talks about limes and coronavirus...

I might just have to make myself a drink.

Two young brothers are talking about swearing...

The older boy says "I'll show you swearing tomorrow morning at breakfast; just see if I don't."

At the breakfast table the following morning their mother asks the older boy what he'd like for his breakfast.

He replies "Well- I quite fancy f\*\*\*ing Coco-Pops today, mother." and grinne...

My dad swears by putting horse manure on his rhubarb

But I find it tastes much better with custard

I swear I’ve had this brand of brothy sandwich dip, before!

Never mind, label says it’s just “Dave’s Au Jus.”

A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub

The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren’t mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"

The cop, obviously in ...

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I used to swear, smoke, and drink, but now I'm a changed man.

Fuck, I dropped my cigarette in my beer.

John is going up a hill with a wheelbarrow, swearing at everything.

A priest comes up, and says "God is everywhere son. Don't swear."

John says "Is he in the grass?"

Priest says "Yes."

John: "Is he in the wheelbarrow?"

Priest: "Yes."

John "Then why the f\*\*k does he not come out and help me push it up the hill?"

Swearing Parrot

Did you hear about guy who had a parrot who swore continually. Finally, the guy told the parrot if he didn't clean up his language, he was going to throw him in the freezer. The parrot continued to swear, so the guy did as he had threatened. After a couple of hours the guy let the parrot out of the ...

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Bloke goes into a British pub on a hot summer’s day and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

..."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread your arse cheeks and lick all that sweat."

She says, ...

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My friend made a vow that he would never swear.

But then one day he said fuck it.

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