Certain Jokes - 112 Hilarious Certain Jokes

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Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan.

So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied.

Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you...

Three words that will most certainly ruin a man's ego

"... are you in?"

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Is it OK to hate certain races?

Try as I might I just can't get myself to like the 200 meter dash.

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Is it bad to hate a certain race?

Because I despise the 100 meter

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Beware of certain doctors

I went to the doctor to have blood drawn and he bit my neck and now I am very sensitive to daylight and I have suddenly become very thirsty at night.

Whatever you do, avoid Dr. Acula!

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A certain President of the Uinted States attends a World Series Game.

As the game is about to begin, the President grabs his wife and throws her through the window of the VIP box. As she lands on the horrified attendees seated below, a frantic aide comes running over yelling

"Nonononono, Mr. President! It's "throw the first *pitch*!"

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My friend told me had hearing loss in his right ear. I said, "are you certain?"

And he said, "yes. I'm definite."

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One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned guy and says: "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a joint?"
"Ten years," replies the stunned man.
With that she reaches over and unzips a water...

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A certain talk.

One day a vicar bumped into the headmistress of an exclusive girls' school.
"O Vicar, our girls are a certain age and we would like them to to have a Christian perspective on sex. Will you talk to them next Tuesday afternoon?"

The vicar agreed and decided he had better put the talk on his ...

Is it wrong to hate a certain race?

I don't mind running a 5k, but my friends want to run in a 10k and I don't like 10ks

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Why shouldn’t boats hit certain islands?

It takes atoll on them.

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I met a girl, very sweet, she said her name was Persephone. I said “that’s a wonderful name, you certainly don’t hear that everyday…..”.

She just said, ‘Actually, I do.’

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The psychologist said that children at a certain mental age believe that everybody knows what they’re thinking.

He used a doll to prove his point.

He placed a crayon box filled with candles on the table in front of the child. He then asked the child what was in the box. Of course the child answered crayons.

Then the psychologist opened the box to show the child that the box contained not cray...

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I started brewing beer specifically for certain professions. The first two batches were brewed for lumberjacks and bellhops.

A lager and a porter.

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Nothing is certain in life

except death, taxes and vegans telling you they're vegan.

And after talking to a few priests and rich guys, I'm no longer sure about the first two.

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I wasn't sure if I should post this here, because it's only funny under certain circumstances

certain circumstances

funny

What causes certain people to become furries ?

Furomones

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While working for the Forest Service a young couple from the city asked for directions to a certain hike. I told them “Take a right, and then head past the cattle guard.”

They responded “Just so we don’t get lost, what color uniforms do the Cattle Guard wear?”

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When women get to a certain age, they begin to collect cats…

It’s called Manypaws.

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The chinese believe that eating certain foods on lunar new year will shape your future.

Personally, I think it's just a supperstition.

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Certain public employees who have to submit daily to the rapid fire ...

... of well-meant but needless questions may be excused if they occasionally turn upon their persecutors. This is how an elevator boy dealt with one of them:

"Don't you ever feel sick going up and down this elevator all day?" a fussy lady asked him.

"Yes, ma'am", courteously replied t...

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There are certain lines you don't cross.

One morning a few days ago, my wife and I were sitting at our kitchen table, enjoying a bit of verbal sparring while we ate. During one particular exchange I made the comment that if she kept up with her smart mouth, I was going to give her a "Rick James Special". She looked at me quizzically, pausi...

They say certain types of people can resist a good click bait.

Apparently you aren’t one of them.

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Getting old certainly has its benefits.

Every birthday party is a surprise birthday party when you reach 80 years of age.

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I was unaware of certain things when I applied for shift work.

Like how the "F" was silent.

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There's a certain way people look at you when you accidentally drop a baby.

Compared to deliberately throwing one across the room.

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I think my ceiling looks pretty nice. It's certainly not the best, but

it's up there

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I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia where I deny the existence of certain 80's bands...

There is no cure...

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Why can't humans hear over or under a certain frequency?

It hertz too much.

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I JUST HATE CERTAIN RACES ..............(offensive)

For example Formula 1 has become really boring

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"Nothing is certain but death and taxes"

Unless you're Trump apparently

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Even though we're progressing, we really need to get rid of certain races.

Such as the 800 meter dash.

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Did you know people often call a group of multiple birds by certain names?

People call a group of chickens a Brood.

People call a group of Falcons a Cast.

People call a group of Seagulls “Fuck You!”

Is he sleazy? Yes. Is he disgusting? Absolutely. Did he act in a vulgar manner towards women? Certainly.

But he's not running for President, his wife is.

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On a certain day, a bull and a pheasant were grazing on the field...

It once happened, on a certain day, a bull and a pheasant were grazing on the field. The bull was grazing on the grass, the pheasant was picking ticks off the bull.

Then the pheasant looked at a huge tree which was at the edge of the field, and very nostalgically said, "Alas, there was a time...

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A nudist was certain he could scale that wall

His balls were on the fence, however.

I know 2 things for certain

1. I'm not very good when it comes to counting.

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Only 3 things are certain

Death, taxes, and the truth of this statements.

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What makes certain plants scientifically related to each other?

The family tree.

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Everyone has a certain joke they always tell when meeting new people

Personally, I enjoy talking about my life

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In a certain country, there are specialized manufacturing villages

There are shoes village, candy village, light bulb village... Deeper in the mountains there are villages that even produce things like air conditioners or TVs.
But the most rural one is the remote village.

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Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing...

Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

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Trump made an effort to list certain areas as "no-fly" zones.

Looks like he missed Pence's head.

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Research shows that facial tattoos completely eliminate certain forms of anxiety

For example, you'll never need to worry about finding a job

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I've just built two flatpack models of Motown stars That I bought from a certain Swedish Store

Ikea?

Yes and that's Tina over there.

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S0 my a certain letter of my keyb0ard st0pped w0rking

Finally! n0w i can't typ0

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The only things certain in life is

Death

Taxes

And getting caught wacking off in the targets dressing room

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My Girlfriend couldn’t remember the name of a certain 90s sitcom.

I told her, Blossom (that’a my nickname for her), let’s take this Step by Step. We are far from Perfect Strangers, so I will Coach you through this. As Time Goes By you will see that I’m a Smart Guy, but If I can’t help you, we will start calling our Friends for help. Except for your brother Frasier...

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Trump was asked if he's certain he's got the pandemic situation under control

His response: "I'm positive"

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I am absolutely certain that I only want vaginal sex...

No butts

I love how when you hear certain music, it can really take you places.

For instance, the bar I'm currently in are playing Drake so I'm now going somewhere else.

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n a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous.

Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit’s end trying to control them.
Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the parents thought that they should ask the priest to talk with the boys. The priest agre...

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It’s Perfectly fine to dislike certain races

I like running the 5k personally, my friend runs the 10k and he’s like that better though

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I have trouble pronouncing certain types of flatbreads.

It's been a naan issue for me.

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R. Kelly certainly released some major bangers throughout his career

Its the minor banging that was the issue.

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Husband tells wife he saved his boss from certain death today...

" I pulled him off the street the last moment before a car came by! The boss was very thankful and said he'd do anything I wanted!"

" So... what did you wish for...?" asked the wife.

" I said... please don't tell the lads at the office it was me that saved you!"

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bill the bartender has a regular who enjoys his drink made a certain way

he's a doctor and every day he comes to bill's bar at 18:30 on the dot to order his daiquiri with crushed walnuts. bill keeps a bag of walnuts under the bar ready for him. one day as bill sees the doctor enter his bar he reaches for a walnut but the bag is empty. he grabs some hickory nuts in stead ...

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A certain TV station was a hosting a contest and I happened to be the first caller

The host said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize."

"That's fantastic!" I shouted in delight.

"Feel confident?" she asked. "It's a basic maths question."

"Well, I've got a master's in ...

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3 things are fr certain in life

Death

Taxes

Someone giving you shit about misspelling your title on a Reddit post

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Certain japanse buildings had creaking floorboards which would alarm the guards if there were intruders.

That seems like a sound strategy to me.

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Only certain professionals can get away saying these

Doctor : Please take off your clothes...!!!

Dentist : Now open wide and hold still...!!!

Veterinarian : How's your pretty pussy...!!!

Gardener : Want me to fertilize your bush...???

Lawyer : Let's go over section 69...!!!

Banker : If you withdraw too early you lose...

I specialise in a certain type of dark humour

You won't get it, it's for blind people

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It's actually ilegal to be over a certain weight in Japan...

Probably because last time a Fatman was In Japan it caused alot of damage

How can we be certain the government is trying to kill us?

Because we keep living longer and longer, and everyone knows they can’t do anything right.

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A dyslexic person peeing his pants would spell certain doom.

His urination spells his ruination.

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Is it ok to hate a certain race?

I am fine with 5km races but marathons just do my head in.

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See? To prove I'm not some boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!

Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh?

Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work!

Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly..

Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.

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A man checked his office email on Monday morning. He saw an email from this co-worker that said "Do you have any naked pictures of your wife"? Angry, he replied” I certainly do not!"

A short while later he got a second email "Want to buy some"?

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Why shouldn’t you ask big favors of certain diagnosed patients?

They usually come with conditions

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Only 2 things are certain in this world -

Death, taxes, and my inability to count

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I’m not certain my parents’ sex life is dead.

It is concerning that my mom calls me her participation trophy though.

I only eat certain types of oatmeal cookies

because raisins.

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Usain Bolt can reach speeds up to 30 miles per hour. So in certain suburban neighborhoods, he might get arrested.

For being black.

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A manager examined a job application, then turned to the applicant and said, "For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary."

*"Well, the work is much harder when you don't know what you are doing."*

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Cop: You are certain that your identity has been stolen then?

:Very

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Jokes that only work in certain languages

In Dutch: "Wat is groen en blijft plakken? Kermit de sticker!"

In English: "What is green and sticky? Kermit the sticker!"

***

The Dutch word for frog is 'kikker' which sounds like sticker *badum tsst*

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A Dirty Joke from the 14th Century

The joke comes to us from Jean de Conde of Hainaut, born 1275:

A game of truth-telling is being played at court by a Queen and her retinue. A knight is asked by the Queen if he has fathered any children; he is forced to admit that he has not.

The Queen nods in assent, saying "you do no...

There are some things that are certain in life.

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified,
well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s. "Can I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Natalie," the man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
prefer someone ...

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caution: high altitudes under certain conditions can cause a bloody nose

Like on Mt. Shasta I heard a guy saying, "I just wanted to show people that it's possible to do things like hiking and Crossfit on a vegan diet, and besides I needed something to do after I retired at 30 on my Bitcoin investments" so I punched him in the nose.

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What 4 letter word for a certain special classification of women ends in UNT?

AUNT

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Me: You know you can get arrested by playing the piano a certain way

Friend: Really, how?

Me: By playing in 'A minor'.

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A man approached what was certainly a bad vehicle accident.

It seemed that a bus had been hit by a truck belonging to a major company. Strewn about on the ground were a dozen bus passengers. The man asked one of the passengers, “Has anybody from the insurance company been here yet?” The passenger shook his head from side to side. The man continued, “Good, th...

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My son is three years old and I took him shopping.

When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket. Now, I didn't buy it and he certainly didn't buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping centre and went to the jewellers.

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Is this a bad time to say that I really like certain races and absolutely hate others?

The hundred metres dash is my favourite. The marathon is awful.

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So Johnny has a gaming system, and he liked to play a certain fighting game...

But his TV was very old, and whenever he attacked, there would be lines across the screen of the TV.

Johnny sent the TV in for repair, and was excited when he got it back. Although, still, the problem persisted.

So Johnny bought another copy of the game, thinking that the problem might...

I heard that certain foods can be addictive

So I quit cold turkey.

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I don't understand why certain people don't get communist jokes

All it takes is a little common sense.

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My girlfriend convinced me that certain aquatic mammals don't exist right before she broke up with me.

She left me in otter disbelief.

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Why are certain bears so attracted to each other?

Because they are polar bears (hence forming permanant dipole interactions)

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A recently married man says to his friend: "My wife and I are thinking of going on our honeymoon to northern Italy"

Friend: "How lovely, Genoa?"

"Well if I didn't I certainly wouldn't have married her"

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I was certain that the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different result...

but every dictionary I check says something else.

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People in town had noticed that a certain miser never invited anybody to dinner.

"I'll bet," said a prankster, "that I can get an invitation."

The wager was accepted, and our prankster went to see the rich man the next day, at a time when he knew that the miser would be at the table with his family.

He rang the bell, and told the servant who opened the door that h...

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What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Jack Daniels?

Jack Daniels comes alive when you add Coke.

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A certain marsupial was denied entry into a local zoo...

His curriculum-leaftae was perfect, but he lacked the koalafications

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I had a girlfriend who thought certain tastes and smells could cause her to orgasm.

Then she came to her senses.

With this whole virus pandemic, I think it’s become clear we need to get rid of certain races for potentially spreading the virus.

Like the Tour de France for example. Too many people standing right next to each other. Can’t be too cautious these days...

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Him: I have the ability to detect whenever I'm near a certain type of Middle-Eastern bread.

Her: Well, that's just naan sense.

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Sure, people may look down on me for being self-employed, but it certainly has some hidden perks.

For instance, my boss gives the best handjobs.

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I seek to promote the welfare of a certain baked dish.

I'm a flanthropist.

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Pretty sure I saw Michael J Fox at the garden center this morning, it certainly looked like him..

But he had his back to the fuchsia....

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To cut costs even more certain airlines will now only serve snacks to passengers on the left side of the plane.

Their justification is the passengers sitting on the right side are already F-E-D.

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Youtube has decided that comments on certain videos are now disabled, which is redundant.

If you read the comments on Youtube, you'll notice that they are already disabled!

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What does a room full of cats, and a woman of certain age have in common?

They both have many paws (say fast)

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I took a class recently on the history of food preservation.

In the early days, metal containers were the cheapest and easiest to make, so almost all food was stored in cans. Tin was a particularly soft and easy to mold/shape, and didn’t rust like other options, so most preserved food cans were made of tin.

Things went great for a while, with some food...

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I’m binging a TV show for free on Amazon, but it won’t let me watch certain episodes. Specifically episode number 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, and 97.

Those are only available on Amazon Prime.

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A vendor selling ice from a street cart has a sign that says “Ise Stand.” “Mr. vendor, you seem to have accidentally confused the ‘c’ in ‘ice’ for an ‘s.’” The vendor replies, “I’m certain you are mistaken!” The next day, the vendor’s freshly repainted sign reads:

“Ice Stand, Corrected”

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According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem...

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the ne...

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Prince Charles decided to take up walking and everyday, at the same street corner, he would pass a hooker. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

“One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout. "No! Five pounds!" he said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. She'd yell "One hundred and fifty pounds!" He'd yell back "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided t...

When you get to be a certain age, there are two things you definitely don’t want to do in the same week...

Upgrade your prescription glasses and buy a full-length mirror!

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Why is it so difficult to wake up certain NBA players in the morning?

They think they're already up.

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Ok so this is not a joke for everyone

Once upon a time there was a country that whenever a men grew up ‘til a certain age their dick would be cut, but how would they do it depends on what their job is.

One day the day to cut people’s dick off comes and there is a line of hundreds of men crying.
“What is your job?” “I’m a butc...

I'd like to buy a bed, please. Certainly, madam. Spring mattress?

Oh, no! I want to be able to use it all year.

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