‌‌I use‌‌d t‌‌o thin‌‌k al‌‌l blac‌‌k peopl‌‌e ha‌‌d boomboxes.

Turne‌‌d ou‌‌t i‌‌t wa‌‌s jus‌‌t ‌‌a stere‌‌o type.

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then...

Do not use “beef stew” as a computer password.

It is not stroganoff.

I used my stimulus check to buy baby chickens

Money for nothing, and the chicks for free

What do you call a C₆H₁₂O₆ molecule that can use its right and left hands equally well?

Ambidextrose

Use the word 'horticulture' in a sentence

You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.

- Dorothy Parker

What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?

Amazon kindle.

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

Ones a Goodyear. The other is a great year.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

Trampolines use to be called jumpolines

Until your mom used one back in the 80s

What did communists use to light their houses before candles?

Electricity

A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e on...

Do you know why we use 'k' instead of 'c' in 'dark'?

Cause we can't c in dark.

My teacher told us not to use the elevator in case of a fire.

"Of course," I replied, rolling my eyes. "We'll use the fire extinguisher."

There's an easy trick you can use to calculate your IQ

It's 150 minus the number of rolls of toilet paper you have at home.

You’ve heard of “click it or ticket”, a slogan telling drivers to use a seatbelt or they will get fined...

Now get ready for the new slogan of 2020: “Mask it or Casket”!

What do cannibals use to clean their noses?

Nose tissue.

What kind of bait cannot be used for fishing?

The Answer Will Shock You!

I used to be in a band called "The Hinges"

We opened for The Doors

Fun fact! Irish soups only use 239 beans

If they used one more, it would be two-fahrty...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Use code: “THISISAFUCKINGROBBERY”

in store for a 100% Discount.

I used to have a Spanish girlfriend called Nada

She meant nothing to me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.

Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.

I've run out of toilet paper and started to use old newspapers instead.

The Times are rough

What Shampoo does Batman always use?

Conditioner Gordon

My dad just got a tall new grill and I’m worried he’ll get hurt trying to use it.

The steaks have never been higher.

Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap

He was high on my list of priorities

If you see it you don't want it, if you buy it it's not for yourself,and if you use it you don't know it what is it ?

A coffin

Teacher: Class, use "whom" in a sentence.

Pedro: Ma'am! *Raises hand* Let's go whom.

Teacher :v

Top Reddit posters should use their karma to help the environment.

They are already experts at recycling.

My Dad used to beat me with a camera.

I still have flashbacks.

I used to tell dad jokes.

He's dead now though.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Little Johnny raised his hand. The
teacher hesitated because she had
been burned by Johnny before. She
finally decided there was no way he
could damage the word 'fascinate', so
she called on him. Johnny said, "My
Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten
buttons, but her boobs are so big...

I wonder if the receptionist at the sperm bank ever uses the phrase

“Thanks for coming!”

The person sitting next to me on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I used one of my pick-up lines on her.

I asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?”

“Yes,” she replied, “but I wasn’t willing to pay.”

Don't use an elevator during a fire.

Use water instead.

what do bees use to get to school?

the school buzz

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sometimes I use chocolate to smooth things up when I masturbate.

I call it the Willy Wanka.

What do you call a guy who uses the pull-out method?

Daddy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would...

Why kind of plates did they use in the food court at the EA conference?

Pay-per plates

I used to be addicted to soap

I'm clean now tho

I always feel sad when I use my step ladder...

I never knew my real ladder.

What’s the best kind of car to use in a demolition derby?

Dodge

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed

When we broke up she went fucking bananas

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man uses up all his savings to open up a bar.

But there are many bars in the city and he has trouble attracting customers. So he stays up during the nights, trying new recipes for cocktails. But nothing seems to work. He is dejected and contemplates closing down the bar and cutting his losses. One evening, he is rummaging though his garage and ...

I used to date an English teacher...

...but we broke up after a debate over the proper usage of the colon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What abuse can a human use that a dog can't ?

Son of a bitch

My dad used to say "when one door closes another one opens"

He's a great man... Rubbish cabinet maker though.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon"

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale,

"Good morning, Ma'am", he s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman answers a knock at the door at 3pm and a man asks if she has a vagina

She slams the door, waits and watches the man leave.

The next day, at 3pm once again, she hears a knock at the door and there stood the man once more. "Do you have a vagina?"

The woman slammed the door in his face and watched him walk off through the blinds.

Growing more disturb...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the best “safe word” to use during sex?

Meatloaf.

I would do anything for love but I won’t do *that*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b\*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b\*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

“You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

“I went to visit my Nana.”

“No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people word...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was younger, I used to shave my testicles with a straight razor.

But now I don't have the balls to do that anymore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nymphomanical Jill Used Dynamite Sticks for a Thrill

They found her vagina
in South Carolina
and one of her tits in Brazil

Why don't Americans use the metric system?

Because they have a foot fetish.

My Physics teacher said to me: you have a lot of potential. You should use it.

We were at the top of the building.

What do you call it when a Russian emperor uses irony to mock someone?

Tsarcasm

I had to use my step-ladder to clean the windows earlier.

i don't get on with my real ladder

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joke a customer told me when I used to work at a call center

A husband is eating dinner with his wife and he decides to ask her

"honey how come you never tell me when you have an orgasm"

the wife replies "oh I just don't want to bother you while you're at work"

Why are people who use the metric system so good at computer science?

Because they are pro-grammers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dick is often used to shorten the Name Richard. How does one get Dick from Richard?

You ask him nicely

My grandpa was telling me about when he used to hunt tigers.

He said, "this one time I was alone in the jungle when out of the bushes, right in front of me, a huge tiger leaped out suddenly and went RRROOOOAAAAAARRRRR!!!!!!! Kid, you won't believe it, I shat myself."

I raised my eyebrows. "You bet I believe it, I'd have shat myself too if that happened...

My grandmother always use to say “the fastest way to a man’s heart is through the stomach”

She was a terrible surgeon.

What goes back and forth, makes white stuff, and feels different if you use your other hand?

A toothbrush

What mattresses do Lannisters use ?

They push two twins together to make a king.

I asked one of my students to use the word contagious in a sentence...

He said: “trump should have reacted quicker to the COVID-19 pandemic, but it took the contagious”

Nearly every country in the world uses metric, except for America...

because America has a foot fetish.

Is it ok for monks to use email?

As long as they don't have attachments.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sailor and an airman were in a base restroom at the same time. Both used the urinals. After completing his business, the sailor zipped up his fly and turned to leave. The airman glowered at him. "In the Air Force, they teach us to wash our hands after using the restroom."

"Oh yeah?" the sailor replied. "Well, in the Navy they teach us not to piss on our hands."

I remember my childhood quite fondly when Dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.

Those were the Good Years.

| don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals.

It's pointless.



But, anyway. You gotta draw the line somewhere, or
else people will think you're being irrational. But
that is beside the point.

What do chefs use to play pool?

Cue-cumbers

I used to have a lot of unemployment jokes.

Sadly, none of them worked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I used an apple pie to masturbate

Maybe I should've left the store before.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I let my wife use my dick pump...

The vacuum cleaner is broken and we can't afford a new one.

Do not buy any more products that use velcro

It’s a real rip off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I recently read an article in a scientific journal about a little boy who was born without eyelids so they used his foreskin to make him some.

Now he’s cockeyed.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"


"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhap...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s not easy to get a used tampon

You’d have to pull a few strings.

Why do you use a cart to golf instead of a car?

Because you'll need a tee

I used to pray every night for a bicycle.

Then I realized the Lord doesn't work like that. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I used to hate how short my new haircut was.

But then it grew on me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you use to keep track of your poops?

A diary-ah

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the plan to use sex dolls to defeat ISIS?

They blow themselves up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why should you always use protection when having sex at sea?

So you don't get mermaids.

What do engineers use as birth control?

Their personalities.

Because hippos are surprisingly dangerous, zoologists use the Pythagorean theorem to calculate the length of their backs.

This is called finding the hippotenuse.

Do you still remember the time we had pagers? Erap once tried to use one.

Pager Operator: Sender's name, please.


Erap: Erap Estrada


Pager Operator: Message please.


Erap: Jinggoy, this is Papa. I have your pager unit.

We used to have Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Now we have no jobs, no hope and no cash....

I'm not looking forward to when Kevin Bacon dies

I was in a 1v10 fight once. It was a hard fought battle and I had to go all out and use all of my martial arts skills.

And In the end we managed to beat the guy up.

I heard beauty pageant contestants use Vaseline to make it easier to smile.

I ate the whole jar and I’m still not happy.

Where do police go to use the bathroom?

The copy room

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a butt plug being used by a guy?

A manhole cover

My teacher said "What is used to measure power?" In class once.

I told her she was right.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sally and Jessica used to bond over being the only two virgins at their University...

They don’t see each other much anymore but they’re still tight.

I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.

I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.

I used to be a banker...

but then I lost interest.

I never use a "hard R"

I always say Ka'en

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman ordered a dildo on Amazon and it finally arrived and she couldn't wait to use it.....

It was called The Magic Dildo. The instructions said that all you have to do is say "Magic dildo my vagina" and then it will do its thing.

So she eagerly said "Magic dildo my vagina" and sure enough the dildo floated in the air and flew up her skirt and started giving her pleasure.

I...

I used to be a a heron addict, but after 6 weeks of rehab

I've got no egrets

I own the chewed pencil that Shakespeare used to write his famous works.

He used to chew on it so much that I can’t tell whether it’s 2B or not 2B.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A few guys always used to meet up on Fridays after work for a drink.

One Friday, Pete showed up late, sat down forlornly at the bar and knocked back his first beer in one gulp.

‘You OK?’ asked Bill, another of the gang.

‘Not really,’ sighed Pete. ‘This morning my wife told me that she’s rationing our sex life – she’s cutting me back to just once a week....

I used to think political jokes would go for the left.

I was Right.

I just bought an insta pot and I’m too afraid to use it...

It’s just a lot of pressure

My girlfriend used to smoke after we made love

so we started using lubricant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position...

The husband sits up and begs.


The wife rolls over and plays dead.

Why does Snoop Dogg use conditioner?

Fo'frizzel

Polar bears used to be brown but through evolution, they turned white

because Police were shooting them



\-Mark Normand

What did the dancing queen use to solve her math problems?

An ABBA-cus.

A black guy in a library asked me where the coloured printer was.

I replied, "Mate, it's 2020, you can use any printer you want."

I used to date a cross-eyed girl

But then I found out she was seeing someone on the side

Before Corona Virus,I used to cough to cover a fart

Now I fart to cover a cough.

What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones?

Skele tons!
Stay spooky my dudes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to be a prostitute at a Mexican golf resort.

They called me hole in Juan.

This site uses cookies to ensure you get the best experience on the site. By continuing to use the site, you agree to accept these cookies.

I genuinely just copied and pasted this off the weight watchers website

I have a hard time trusting people that use pencils to draw.

They're sketchy.

Normal people use their children’s names to set their email passwords.

Elon Musk uses his email password to name his baby.

The Earth used to be flat...

Until they buried yo momma.

Did you know that God uses Android phones?

It's because he made the galaxy and the apple is forbidden.

My dog used to chase everyone he saw on a bike.

It got so bad that eventually, we had to take his bike away.

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses

She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand

up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you

think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”

Arnold Schwarzenegger's is long and hard. The president's is a 5. Madonna doesn't have one, and the Pope has one, but he doesn't use it.

A last name.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied.

Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Most of the dirty jokes I see on this sub are either about necrophilia, bestiality, or masturbation. They used to be funny.

But at this point, they're beating off a dead horse.

I hate how we have to be politically correct at the office. My boss said we shouldn't use the term "black" because it's not very professional.

So during coffee break, I asked him: *"How African-American do you like your coffee?"*

My 7 year old told me this joke. I hadn't heard it before - What does a camel use to hide itself?

Camelflage

I often used to jokingly say that there are too many people, we need a new plague.

This current one is just not working.

At magician school, a pupil asks if they can use the toilet.

The teacher replied “What are the magic words?”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've dry skin & a friend suggested that I use Shea Butter, but I can't do that

Cuz I'm Sunni.

What do angels use to make music?

Soundclouds

Put to good use..

I have a friend who's a pilot for EasyJet.
But, because of this lockdown, he's off work,
So l asked him if he fancied doing a bit of decorating for me while he's at a loose end, and he jumped at the chance.
l must say, he made a lovely job of the landing.

Twenty years ago I used to feel like I was a man trapped inside a woman’s body

but then I finally decided to come out of my mum and I was born.

Being a dentist was useful professionally.

It opened up a lot of jaws

When I was younger, I used to hate eating mushrooms, but now I think they’re growing on me...

...and I can’t get them off

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A creative use for your basement

A lot of people use their basement as an indoor gym, as a lounge area, or as a laundry room, right?

So, if you make your basement into a bedroom, have a child, give the bedroom for them to use, then you can say

**I have a child in my basement.**

Extra points if the child is alre...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There used to be 9 planets...

But Pluto was downgraded and now we have 8. And if you’re lucky enough, soon we will only have 7. Because I’m about to destroy Uranus.

(Best if used a pickup line)

I remember when Mom used to tuck me in

She really wanted a daughter.

I bought a used time machine at a garage sale, but it took me to the wrong time

They don’t make them like they’re going to used to have anymore

Due to the pandemic, my boss ordered me to turn off TCP/IP and only use UDP.

Handshakes are no longer allowed.

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey....

But I turned myself around.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.