This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to shave my testicles with a razor blade.

But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.

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What do you call a butt plug being used by a guy?

A manhole cover

I own the chewed pencil that Shakespeare used to write his famous works.

He used to chew on it so much that I can’t tell whether it’s 2B or not 2B.

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Most of the dirty jokes I see on this sub are either about necrophilia, bestiality, or masturbation. They used to be funny.

But at this point, they're beating off a dead horse.

What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones?

Skele tons!
Stay spooky my dudes

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

Don't use beefstew as a computer password

It's not stroganoff

Finally learned why you can't use a wooden spoon on a Teflon pan

It's non-stick

If you waterboard someone but use snow

is it snowboarding?

My little sister just learned how to crack knock knock jokes and she just used this on me

Her: knock knock

Me: who's there?

Her: eye lo

Me: eye lo who?

Her: eye lo you

This is isn't funny but I had to share my lil 2 year old's first knock knock joke

I'll never use that dictionary again...

The definition it gave for "obfuscate" was confusing and misleading.

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He said, “Try the ATM outside”

A good looking man walked into a singles bar, bought a drink and settled down ready to use his best lines.

But for the next two hours every woman he approached gave him the brush-off. Then suddenly a really ugly guy walked in and within seconds he was surrounded by beautiful, available women. A few minutes later he sauntered out with a stunning brunette on each arm.

The handsome guy was thoroughly...

Why do smart people like to use big words?

It makes them sound more photosynthesis.

Why Americans don’t use metric?

Foot fetish

My moms response time for a slap in the face used to be 1ms

and it hertz alot.

What did the communists use before candles?

Electricity

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It takes a lot of courage to shave using a cutthroat blade. I used to shave my privates using one.

I don’t have the balls to do that anymore.

I used to be addicted to soap,

But I'm clean now

I still remember my childhood fondly, when my dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.

Those were the Good Years.

My grandad always used to say "as one door closes, another opens".

A lovely man. A terrible cabinet maker.

What do you use to contact Mario's dead brother?

A Luigi board.

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What spell did Harry Potter use to cure constipation?

Expelianus!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

I don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals

It's pointless.

Why doesn't Oedipus use profanity?

Because he kisses his mother with that mouth.

People used to call me ugly in middle school, but things have changed

I'm not in middle school anymore

A teacher in Ireland is giving an English lesson and asks the class for examples of when they have heard the word "contagious" being used…

One eager child says, "Daddy says to cover my mouth when I cough because my cold is contagious!"

"Very good!" replied the teacher. "Has anybody else got an example?"

"My mummy says my laugh is contagious!" said another child.


"Great answer!" said the teacher, "How about you...

My cousin, a magician, decided to incorporate the use of trapdoors in his shows.

I think it's just a stage he's going through.

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I used to feel like life was in the palm of my hand

I also used to jack off a lot

Punctuation is important. Improperly used periods can alter the meaning of the entire sentence.

For example:

Teresa was on her trampoline, moving up and down in utter bliss.

Teresa was on her period, moving up and down in utter bliss.

As a child my parents used to tell me about the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy and Santa

I dont believe in those stories anymore, thank GOD

I used to be a boy in a girls body

Then I came out of my mom

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye.

Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time

What kind of dough does a gamer use?

Nintedough!

My stoned friend used my daily planner to roll a joint.

Now he’s high on my list of priorities.

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Stop using naughty words or else!

In order to prevent the unacceptable proliferation of swear words in this sub, I have developed a virus, which should have infected all your computers by now. It scans the words you type in, and if it detects that a naughty word has been used, it will instantly cause your computer to crash.

H...

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My highschool physics teacher always used to say "Time will pass."

"Will you?"

My girlfriend told me if I use any more chess terminology, she'll break up with me

"Check," I said.

She moved out the next day.

"Checkmate," I said.

I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.

But I broke it off

Y'all ever just stop & think about all of the amazing, world changing, discoveries/inventions we use every day? Fire, the internet, refrigeration, the wheel, the combustion engine. My favorite invention?

The shovel. That was truly groundbreaking.

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What do Jersey girls use as protection during sex?

Bus shelters

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A girl uses chemicals to remove the polish, and it's fine.

I use chemicals to remove the Polish, and I'm suddenly a nazi?

I used to bathe in tomato ketchup

In heinz-site, it wasn't the best idea

My teacher said to use the colors green, yellow, and pink in a sentence

The first student said "my favorite colors are green, yellow, and pink."

The second student said "The grass is green, the sun is yellow, and my shirt it pink."

Finally, a Mexican kid piped up and said "when my phone goes green green, I pink it up and say yellow."

A priest, a minister and a rabbi are discussing how they divide the collection funds between Gods work and personal use.

The priest says “I draw a circle in the center of the room, take the money and throw it into the air and what falls in the circle goes to God and the rest I keep”.

The minister says “I use a similar system but I draw a line down the center of the room and what is on the left God gets and the ...

Why did the priest use a tree when he was coding?

So that he had an excuse to getChildren()

Why does the arrow on the computer screen use profanity a lot?

Because it was a cursor.

I used to illegally give weed to my prize winning cows, but I had to stop.

The steaks were too high.

I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....

He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again

It's easy to explain why so many national governments are in shambles today. Empires used to be run by emperors. Kingdoms were run by kings

And now we have countries...

I never learned when to properly use contractions but that is OK.

It's what it's.

What to use if you want to count the amount of meth grams in your body?

Methmatics

My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid

She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.

I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth

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When I was young, I used to think earwigs actually lived in your ears

so you can imagine how terrified I was of cockroaches.

I use geese to spread the right political messages

It's a proper gander

I used to know a girl from a nudist colony

Man, I tell you, nothing looked good on her!

I used to have an excessive amount of hair on my upper torso

I’m sorry, I just had to get it off my chest

What do you call a flying object that can’t use a smartphone?

A Boomerang

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An old Italian gentleman wanted to plant his annual tomato garden. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son:

"Dear Vincent, I am pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa."...

I used to eat a lot of natural foods,

until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

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A silly joke my grandpa used to tell me

A man is walking down a roadside when he sees a street vendor selling umbrellas. One of them catches his eye, so he walks over, points at the umbrella and asks, "How much for this one?"

"$20," the vendor says.

The man knew that an umbrella being sold on the street would barely last in ...

Trump's is short, and Arnold Schwarzenegger's is long; Madonna doesn't have one, and the Pope is not supposed to use his. Of course I'm talking about...

... their last name.

When I was in college, I used to watch my roommate constantly sweeping girls off their feet.

He was a really aggressive janitor.

I use the word 'beaucoup' when speaking with my French friends.

It means a lot to them.

What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones ?

Skele Tons

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What do elephants use for tampons ?

Sheep

Why do elephants have trunks ?

Because sheep don't have strings

Teacher: OK Sally, make a sentence using the word ‘contagious’

Sally: Our neighbour is painting his whole house with a two inch brush and my dad said it’s going to take the contagious.

I used to be addicted to eating Thanksgiving leftovers

But then I quit cold turkey

Online dating sparks a rise in tablet use with young singles.

“I’ve been using tablets for dating since the 80’s” - Bill C

What chairs do drummers use to drum in?

A rocking chair.

My ex used to beat me a lot with stringed instruments.

Then i realised that she used to do it to all of her previous boyfriends.
I would have broken up sooner if i had known she had a history of violins

What currency can we use to buy coffee in space

S T A R B U C K S

What is yours but other people use it more than you?

Your wife.

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What does a shit farmer use to build his shit fence?

shit post

I used to make a dad joke every year

But now I am not sure if I can continue this tradition any father.

There are 3 types of Dracula that use Reddit

Those that can Count Dracula, and those that can't.

A guy goes to his doctor and says, my girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never breaks. How is it possible? Let me tell you a story, the doctor says...

There was once a hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the lion the hunter used the umbrella like a gun, and shot the lion. It died.

Guy: Nonsense! Someone e...

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One day after sex, my girl told me she used to be a Christian.

Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe."

Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."

I told my kids that I have not used a single piece of plastic since decades.

All 16 of them could not believe it.

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I was at a party last night and got talking to a leading expert in the use of drugs in Sport.

He told me about a female Bulgarian athlete who had used so much steroids in the 70’s that she started to grow the beginnings of a penis.

“Anabolics?” I asked. “No” he said, “Just a penis”.

Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.

Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

I used to do fine, then I started doing drugs.

Now I do morphine.

An old man I know told me he used to go to the park because he saw himself in the children that played there

I really need a new cellmate

Website: We use cookies to improve performance.

Me: Same

To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a *great* year.

We had a lady back at our office who could use two typewriters at once, one with each hand. Most of us just thought she'd be writing the same thing on both machines all the time.

Turns out it was just Stereo-Typing

They used to be called jumpolines

Before your mum jumped on one back in 1973

I used to be an adventurer until I went to Antarctica

Thats when things went south

Teacher: which is the best hand to use when writing something, left hand or right hand?

Pupil: None of them. It’s better to use a pen or pencil.

What kind of soup base does the Joker use?

Laughing stock

What currency do processes use to bribe the processor?

They use cache

I used to date my English teacher but she dumped me.

She didn't approve of my improper use of colon.

Why did the sad ghost use the elevator?

To lift his spirit.

I used to date Rick Astley.

I guess you could say that we’re no strangers to love.

What did Pythagorus use to kill himself?

A hypotenoose.

I used to want to be a mortician,

but I decided not to when I got some grave advice it was a dying industry.

do you know how gandalf uses a urinal?

well first he opens his fly, you fools

I used to smoke weed with a nun

One day we were blazing and she confessed to me that she always wore the same robe whenever she smoked weed. She said as soon as she finished smoking she'd go straight home, wash it, and hide it in the back of her closet.

I guess you could say she was ashamed of her drug habit.

I find it wild that people would use cleaning products on their skeletons.

But to bleach their bone, I guess.

Now that I’m an dad, I’ve been learning dad jokes. But I Can never find the opportunity to use them.

Guess I gotta look father

It’s okay for me to use gorilla glue but as soon as I start using horse glue everyone gets all angry

Aren’t gorillas like, super endangered? WTF

I asked my teenage niece to go get me a newspaper, she laughed at me and said "oh uncle , you're so old. Just use my phone"

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill the fly.

My friend is trying to convince me not to buy a Tesla because electric cars use up a lot of battery going uphill.

But that’s a hill I’m willing to die on.

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[Dark] My coworker and I were comparing the uses of mustard.

Me: If you have a burn problem, put mustard on it

Her: If you have a cut problem, put mustard on it

Me: If you have a hotdog problem, put mustard on it

Her: If you have a Jew problem, put mustard on it

Other worker, to manager: She's talking about the gas

Manager: ...

What does a Bird use to open a locked door

Crowbar

I used to know alot of dinosaur jokes

But they're all gone now.

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Injuring a part of your body makes you realize how many movements use that body part.

Like spraining your wrist and then having difficulty masturbating with your other hand.

What currency do Jewish ogres use?

Shrekels.

I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.

I told her we use names here.

I used to manually insert the current clock reading into my emails with a 60 pt font.

It was a huge paste of time.

I used to be addicted to the Hokey-Pokey

But I turned myself around.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl use the bathroom?

Because they’re extinct.

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What do disco dancers use to stimulate sexual desire?

Afro-disiacs

thanks, i'll be here all week, unfortunately

Why do nurses use red pens?

In case they need to draw blood



P.s my mom told me this

I decided to use my knife to save ammo

Apparently that’s not allowed in paintball

What do you call a bottom that uses bad words?

A crass ass

An old man used to call his wife "mother of six" since they had 6 children and this nickname kinda annoyed her

"Mother of six, could you bring my coffe?" He would yell to her from the living room.

"Mother of six, is dinner ready?" He would say every night just to mess with her, as he laughed.

She was becoming really angry at him because of this unwanted nickname, until Thanksgiving, where the ...

Did you know about the prisoner who used to beat his cellmate with his wooden leg?

When the authorities confiscated it , he was hopping mad..

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My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.

After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I use to have a fan in the bathroom

Until shit hit the fan

I used to be a banker.

But I lost interest.

I used to think I understood the Dunning-Kruger effect...

but the more I look into it, the less sure I am.

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