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What did Britons use to light their homes before candles?

Electricity.

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A pilot accidentally left on the intercom and was heard saying, "I could really use a coffee and a blowjob"

A stewardess quickly ran towards the cockpit, and a passenger yelled out, "you forgot the coffee!"

Eta: Looks like Good Will Hunting made this joke popular.

I used to date a girl who was missing a shin.





Her name was Eileen. She had a brother who was missing both shins. His name was Neil.

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A rabbit is captured and taken to a medical laboratory to be used for experiments . . .

There, he befriends a rabbit who was born and raised in the lab. One day, he notices that the researchers didn't latch his cage properly and he decides to make a break for it. He tells the lab rabbit how great it is on the outside and convinces him to come along.

First, the wild rabbit take...

I asked my doctor to use 2 fingers when checking my prostate..

I wanted a second opinion.

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I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed.

I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them

What do Mexicans use to cut pizzas?

Little Ceasers

Why can’t a pterodactyl use the bathroom?

Because they’re dead, idiot!

When rowing a boat, do you use the left paddle or the right paddle?

Either oar.

Just found out you can’t use Beef Stew as a password

Apparently it’s not Stroganoff

In medieval times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse when riding at night.

This is the earliest known form of saddle light navigation.















*I'll fetch my coat of arms*

I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes.

I still do. But I used to too.

What language is most commonly used during computer programming?

Foul Language!!!

What pickup line do guys use to get girls in Alabama?

You’re like a sister to me.

My Uncle used to say "If you do something you love you'll never work a day in your life."

He did heroin

Putin steps away from the war room to use the restroom...

As he sits he hears alarms and red flashes fill the bunker. He hears his men running around and without hesitation he jumps up, pulls up his pants and runs our to see what the commotion is.

He asks the next in command the situation: "ICBM Mr President!"

Putin replies "I WAS IN A HURR...

[OC] In my day we used to use subliminal advertising to sell candy.

And, buy gum, it worked!

What do Germans use for birth control?

Their sense of humor

What takes many nails to build, but only one screw to use?

A crib.

My neighbor uses a wood stove, but lately he's had the flu and been too sick to chop his own wood. Do you think it would be a nice gesture to go chop some firewood for him?

Axeing for a friend.

I used to get really aroused by epiphanies but

I've come to the realisation it's a weird kink to have

why did the blonde use her hair dryer on the laptop?

It was frozen

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One is a Goodyear the other a great year

An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet.

As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.

He rushes to the phone and calls 000 (911)

"I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!"...

Scientists say we only use 15% of our brain

I'm wondering what we do with the remaining 65%?

I used to think chiropractic adjustments didn't work.

I stand corrected

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band

But I had to quit as it was just one ting after another

China has now banned any military personnel to use apple watches due to security reasons.

One soldier says with tears in his eyes “but but my daughter made it for me”.

A mom tells her young son to use a condom when doing the deed.

The son replies, “Mom, I’m only 15!”

The mom then says, “And I’m 30.”

I hate it when people use "you're" and "your" incorrectly

There so dumb

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Yesterday my SON e-mailed me asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

Like sitting around playing on my computer is not a good thing? I asked.

Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be his favorite topic of conversation.

He said he was "only thinking of me", he said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the men. ...

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I used to be addicted to Viagra…

… hardest time of my life!

Some important news for electric car users. I learned today that, if you break down in an electric car, you can still use the AA.

But if you break down in a small electric car, you have to use the AAA.

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An Airbus 380 is flying across the Atlantic

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a jet fighter appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now ...

I use a voltmeter to check if the circuit is live before I start fixing it. However, today, my meter didn't work.

Needless to say, I was shocked.

I asked the optometrist if I could use the bathroom.

“Number one, or number two?”

I lost my pizza cutter so I tried to use an old Rod Stewart CD instead.

It worked all right at first, but the plastic edge got dull right away. The first cut was the deepest.

Who is in favour of bringing Roman numerals back into use?

I for one.

It cost 2 pence to use the public toilet in England during the Elizabethan Era.

2p or not to pee, that is the question.

I used to be able to go to the grocery store with $20 and come back with food for a month

Try doing it nowadays with cameras everywhere

15% of women admit to having used vibrators.

The other 85% said they bought them new.

I used to play violin in a string quartet. Sadly one of our musicians was on drugs.

So we've had to ban Jo.

A guy with no arms……. (Long)

A guy who was born with no arms goes to the doctor one day and the doc says, ‘I have bad news, you are terminally ill and you only have one month left to live.”

The man was a absolutely despondent - but as he walked out of his doctors office, he looked up at the monastery atop the hill near t...

Did you hear about the fisherman who uses sperm to catch fish?

He calls it his master bait!

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Why do female military use camo dildos?

So no one can see them cuming

I used to write all my jokes in Microsoft Word.

But then Clippy said, "It looks like you're trying to be funny."

What pronouns do comedians use?

He/he/he

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I was watching a show about Ancient Egypt, and they mentioned that there were Seven Sacred Oils that they used to anoint the dead with.

I thought that sounded interesting, so I decided to Google "Seven Sacred Oils of Egypt" and the entire front page of results is about where I can buy the essential oils the Egyptians used, you know mlm shit.

I cannot stress enough how this is not what I was looking for, but in hindsight I p...

My grandma used to say "kill them with kindness...

...and if that doesn't work, kill them with whatever's handy".


She's set to be released from prison in 2049.

My grandpa used to say: "When one door closes, another one opens".

He was a lovely man, but a terrible cabinet maker.

Why did Will use an open hand?

Because paper always beats Rock.

Donald Trump finds a magic lamp. He rubs it, and a genie comes out.

Genie: "I grant you three wishes."

Trump: "I'm tired of getting sued for everything I do. I want there to be no more courts."

Genie: "Granted. You have no wishes left."

Trump: "What the hell? You told me I had three wishes, and I only used one!"

Genie: "Sue me."

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A horse...

... sees a rock band perform and thinks "Hey, I could do that." The horse calls up his local music store and is like "I wanna learn guitar, just one problem, I'm a horse." The employee says "don't worry we can do that." The horse goes, learns guitar for a few months, gets really good, and is pretty ...

Why don't Dutchmen use Drano?

Because it destroys clogs.

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(Old joke) A supermarket opened up next to a small grocer and to show how much cheaper they were put a big sign out the front advertising butter.

The grocer used to sell butter for 50p a packet, but the supermarket advertised it for 49p. The next day the grocer put a big sign on the front saying:

Butter: 48p

The supermarket couldn't afford to lose face so the next day it was loudly advertising:

BUTTER, ONLY 47p

How...

What chairs do drummers use to drum in?

A rocking chair.

what kind of kung fu, would you use to stop Russia?

You Crane.

Which sound system technology do the Malfoys use?

Dobby Atmos

I used to work as a programmer for autocorrect...

But they fried me for no raisin.

I used to be a fortune teller

I was pretty bad. I could only fortell bad weather. Turns out the shop sold me a snow globe instead of a crystal ball.

Plastic surgery used to be such a taboo discussion topic...

...now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow

My backpack is so worn out that now I use it for sitting.

It's now a Been Bag.

What currency do processes use to bribe the processor?

They use cache

The coincidences

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said,

\- “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”

\- “What a coincidence,” the farmer said.

\- “This is a special day for me; I am cel...

My grandfather swore by adding a spoonful of gunpowder to his tea every morning.

He said it was a very old remedy to help him live longer, and it worked: he lived to the ripe old age of ninety-seven.

He left a widow, two children, fourteen grandchildren and a fifty-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

I used to hate chiropractors until I went to see one for my back

Now I stand corrected

Yesterday, I chose to only use binary.

Yesterday, I decided to stick to binary only, instead of the decimal system.
I went to the grocery store and I saw: "£10." I thought, "wow, that product is 101 times cheaper today!"

Garbage can

An old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school.

He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.

Then a new school year began.

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came dow...

A University of Alabama graduate gets a job

He shows up to his first day of work, and the boss hands him a mop and a bucket.

"Hey! I will have you know I'm a graduate of the University of Alabama!"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the boss said, "let me show you how to use those."

What kind of phones do squids use?

CephaliPods

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Why can't an orphan use an iPad?

He/She won't find the home button.

Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid.

If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.

Steve's Place.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant called "Steve's Place", and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket; it seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket...

I gave my children a warning about using their whistle in the house, they had one last chance…

Unfortunately… they blew it

Why do fps players never use the m1 garand?

They get alot of ping because of it

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A man texts his ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend - "Hey, how do you like this USED pussy?"

And gets a reply - "Thanks for asking! It feels brand new after first 2 inches".

What tool do you use to inseminate a sheep?

A laminator!

Why isn't holy water used in vaccines?

Because you can't take the lord's name in vein.

What do female potatoes use when they get their period?

Yampons.

Do philosophers use diapers?

It depends.

Larry is having his performance evaluation and his boss is showing his disappointment.

He said, “Larry, you used to be a great worker, but for the past few months I never seem to see you working when I come by your office. What happened?”

Larry looks at the boss and said, “Well, in August they carpeted the hallway…”

I asked my acupuncturist to use smaller needles this time, but they ignored me.

I’ve never felt so stabbed in the back.

I hired a guy to stain my entry way but he used a very deep brown color that I don’t like.

So I fired him and told him to “never darken my door again.”

Always use innuendo

no matter how hard it gets

The bathroom had no toilet paper, and all I had to use was the money in my pocket.

So I did what had to be done.

It was tough, and a little messy.

But for a clean ass?

it was the best 43 cents i’d ever spent.

Darts.

A Scottish couple took in a young women as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathtub inside, although if she wanted to, she could use the outside tub.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts," s...

I used to work in a calender factory.

I got fired for taking a few days off.

What do you use to clean a pig?

Ham sanitizer

I remember how my mother used to tuck me in when I was little.

She was really disappointed not to have another girl.

I wish everyone would lay off Lance Armstrong. What an amazing achievement to recover from testicular cancer and win the tour de France 7 consecutive times. I don't care he used drugs....

when I was on drugs I couldn't even find my bike.

Telescopes use mirrors

Therefore we could be looking at space vampires and we'd never know it.

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My son asked me, “Dad, why is it important to use a condom during sex?’

I said, “Usually, it’s to avoid answering questions like this.”

After my retirement from the company I worked at for 45 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

It is yours, but others use it more than you. What is it?

Yo mama

Me and my buddy Milton Spilk used to work in a kitchen, chopping up vegetables.

You have to be careful or you can cut yourself. Old Milt had an accident and got cut up pretty bad.

I felt bad about it, but eventually I decided...

Why cry over Milt Spilk?

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I used to have a lovely dog called Minton, until one day I can home and he had choked on a shuttlecock

Bad Minton

Once you go black, you never go back

I can't believe I used to add milk to coffee

a blonde desperately wanted to win the lottery.

So she prayed to God one day and asked him to help her win the lottery.

The next morning the blonde woke up and she didn't win. So she prayed to God again asking to win the lottery. She reasoned that she'll use the money to do a lot of good and cure all diseases in the world.

The next ...

Why did Helen of Troy never use painkillers?

Because paracetamol.

For a survey I asked people what soap they use in the shower.

90% of them told me to get out.

A woman sees her doctor about ongoing abdominal pain and cramps.

She's nervous during the examination, fearing that she may be pregnant. The doctor brings back her test results and says, "It looks like you'll have to get used to changing diapers from now on."

"Oh my god, I'm pregnant?" she asks, nearly in tears. "Am I pregnant?"

The doctor replies, ...

I used to work in the oil and gas industry.

Eventually I had to quit; it was well boring.

Knew somebody who used to live in a giant tire.

He got a puncture one day……..
#
#
#
Now he lives in a flat.

I asked my kid for a phone book. They rolled their eyes and said "OK boomer, we don't use those anymore" and handed me their phone.

Now their phone is smashed and they are furious, but I got that spider!

What is something that is yours, but others use more than you?

A joke on this subreddit.

What do you give to someone who hasn't used their muscles In a long time?

A trophy

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How do you re-use a condom?

You shake the fuck out of it

Did you hear about the country that tried to use fresh fruit as currency?

They ran into problems when everyone’s money started to get moldy. Last I heard, they’re looking into using non-fungible tokens now.

A friend of mine asked if I thought hummus was able to be used as a facial exfoliation scrub.

I said to him "I've had a smashed chick pee on my face before it worked wonders can't see why it wouldn't here"

I came up with this joke about a month ago, just remembered to post it.

A young woman had a real big problem, all her life it took her forever to go pee. Sometimes she would be sitting on the toilet for several minutes of agony before she could squeeze out a drop. It also made her so self-conscious that she was scared to date, despite being a fairly attractive woman....

I've seen aliens. I've seen Bigfoot. I've even fed a few fish to the Lochness Monster.

But I still have never seen a BMW driver use his turn signals.

Today I found out that King Charles is a gamer, and mostly plays Nintendo games.

He knows how to properly use the Royal Wii.

I was on a blind date with a woman, and during our dinner conversation....

....she said, "You know, I used to be a Christian."

I told her that was fine, it really didn't matter to me.

She said, "Good. Because I'm much more comfortable as a Christine."

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The teacher of little Johnny's class asks the pupils if they can use the word 'beautiful' in a sentence...

A little boy sticks his hand up.
"Yes, Daniel"
"I saw a butterfly on my way to school this morning, and it was beautiful", says Daniel.
"Very good, Daniel", smiles the teacher, "Anybody else?".
Veronica's hand goes up. "I told my mummy last night that she looked beautiful in her new dr...

I used to collect stamps when I was younger

But then one day I realized, philately will get you nowhere.

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 50th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

Th...

I asked my proctologist if it's okay for me to use euphemisms...

He said analogies would be better.

Why are the Russian forces in Ukraine using the symbol "Z"?

Because the other half of the swastika fell off due to poor Russian maintenance.

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Some jerk on my wedding asked "how's my ex's used pussy?"

I replied "it felt brand spankin' new after the first two inches."

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender rema...

A king had 10 wild dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.

A king had 10 wild dogs.
He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.

A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn’t like at all…
So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said,
"I served you loyall...

Nowadays, you don’t run into many guys named Lance.

But in the Middle Ages, people used to be named Lancelot.

I used to date a girl called Sue Denim....

Until I found out that it wasn't her real name.

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I used some refined flour as lubricant and it did NOT work very well at all....

Yet those bastards in marketing are bold enough to call it "all-purpose"

My energy supplier proudly boasts that they use 100% renewables. They sent my renewal quote.

Can anybody tell me what day it was, when wind doubled in price?

I used to think I was indecisive.

But, now I'm not so sure.

My parents saw me pirating movies and asked if I ever use Netflix.

I said, of course, I always usenet flicks!

When I was a kid if I was naughty my dad use to hit me with polaroid camera.

To this day I can still have instant flashbacks.

Sean Connery used to take photos of himself up against every bookcase he ever saw.

He loved his shelfies.

What did cavemen use to prevent infections?

Paleosporin

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A sex Ed teacher walks into class with a condom and a banana

He addresses the class and says "today i will show you how to use a condom and i have this banana because i can't get hard on an empty stomach"

A frog walks into a bank

... and approaches the teller. He can see from her name tag that her name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti stares at the talking frog in disbelief but recovers herself quickly and asks him how much he wants to bo...

I used to get sad remembering the day Mitch Hedberg died….

I still do, but I used to, too.

RIP

I used to tell everyone I have the body of a Greek God.

But then I learn Buddah wasn't greek

I used redbull instead of water for my coffee this morning

I was on the highway for 15 minutes before realizing I left my car at home

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2 women go out drinking and after a heavy night and a lot of alcohol, decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery.

Whilst taking the shortcut they both have the urge to pee so they duck down behind the gravestones and pee. They realise they have nothing to wipe with, so the first woman decides to use her pants and leaves them there. The second woman was luckier, she found a bouquet of flowers and unwrapped them ...

I used to be so lonely, so I glued a coffee cup to the roof of my car

Now wherever I go, everyone waves to me

Hillary and Bill sneak away from the secret service

Hillary and Bill Clinton sneak away from the secret service and go for a drive. The two end up at a gas station and when they walk in, Hillary recognizes the clerk.

Hillary says hello to him and the two walk out. She turns to Bill and says “I used to date that guy before I met you”

Bil...

When I was a kid my mom used to say " Perdon my French" when she said any bad word.

I'll never forget the day in school when my teacher ask if could speak French.

Which toothpaste is used by the rich and famous?

Decadent

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The Russian conscript

Ivan had just been conscripted to fight in Ukraine. As part of his basic training he had to participate in a war game. The day of the war game, Ivan realised he had misplaced his rifle, so he went to his Lieutenant: “ Lieutenant, I lost my rifle. What am I going to use for the war games?”
“I don’...

God initially planned to use wasps to pollinate flowers.

But in the end, he went with plan Bee.

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A nun was chatting with Mother Superior.

"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."



"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder nun.



"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line t...

The FBI never fails...

The phone rings at the FBI headquarters:

\- “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

\- “Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor’s house.

They search the shed where t...

I found a recipe from Morocco for homemade dinner rolls. It called for fresh thyme but mine was outdated. I used it anyways.

You know, as I reminisce, I really like that old thyme Moroccan roll.

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family....

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"O...

I used to love building sandcastles with my grandma

But my parent's eventually found it creepy and glued the urn shut

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