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Use Jokes

Americans do use the metric system...

Because they use 9mms at school.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock Cit...

What cheat code do you use to get into the Army?

Left, left, left, right, left
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What did Britons use to light their homes before candles?

Electricity.
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What did the Egyptians use to travel to the Underworld?

A new bus.
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Apparently you can’t use “beefstew” as a password.

It’s not stroganoff.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

What is one catch phrase that a condom manufacturing company should never use?

Tried and Tested!
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A pilot accidentally left on the intercom and was heard saying, "I could really use a coffee and a blowjob"

A stewardess quickly ran towards the cockpit, and a passenger yelled out, "you forgot the coffee!"

Eta: Looks like Good Will Hunting made this joke popular.

What did Texans use for heat before the advent of firewood?

Electricity
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*Teacher to Student* T: "Use the word 'centimeter' in a sentence"

S: ‟My grandma was arriving at the train station so i was centimeter”

T: ‟No, no, that‘s ‘Sent to meet her‘. Okay, try another one. Use ‘contagious‘ in a sentence please”

S: ‟I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!”
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If Trump played DnD, what weapon would he use?

Fire staff
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I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes.

I still do. But I used to too.
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An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet.

As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.

He rushes to the phone and calls 000 (911)

"I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!"...
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What do you use when you haven't got a condom?

A fake name.
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Why don’t BMW owners use their turn signals?

They’re too stubborn to pay the monthly subscription fee!
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Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went.

One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lio...
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Top Reddit posters should use their karma to help the environment.

They are already experts at recycling.
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A blonde pays $1,000,000 to use a stadium to prove blondes are smart.

She fills the stadium with 80,000 other blondes and calls one up to prove, on live TV, that blondes are smart. She starts simply with a math question.
“What’s twenty plus three?” She asks the young volunteer. The little blonde thinks and timidly whispers into the mic “nine?” Soon a chorus of 80,...
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I used to like Mitch Hedberg jokes...

I still do, but I used to, too.

18 years ago, today, we lost one of the greats.
R.I.P. to a legend.
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15% of women admit to having used vibrators.

The other 85% said they bought them new.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

International women’s day should not be used as an excuse for sexist jokes

Period.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one. Michael J. Fox has a small one. Madonna doesn’t have one. The Pope has one but never uses. Donald Trump has one and uses it. What is it?

A surname/last name
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China has now banned any military personnel to use apple watches due to security reasons.

One soldier says with tears in his eyes “but but my daughter made it for me”.
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I hate it when people use "you're" and "your" incorrectly

There so dumb
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Why would the military use acid?

To neutralize the enemy base.
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I used to be Christian....

Her: I used to be Christian.

Him: It’s all right, I don’t really care for those sorts of things.

Her; Thank god! It’s so much better now that I’m Christine!
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The use of a colon can really change the intended meaning of a sentence.

Jimmy went to school and ate his lunch

becomes

Jimmy went to school and ate his colon.
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What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones?

Skele tons!
Stay spooky my dudes
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Chuck Norris uses a stunt double

….for crying scenes
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A mom tells her young son to use a condom when doing the deed.

The son replies, “Mom, I’m only 15!”

The mom then says, “And I’m 30.”
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"Mansplain" is a terrible word to use

because it has more letters than explain and is therefore more difficult for women to understand.
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A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun,the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and aske...
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My mother used to tuck me in every night

She always wanted a girl :(
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I used to tell dad jokes.

He's dead now though.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm sorry I used your soap to masturbate.

I just had to come clean.

Who is in favour of bringing Roman numerals back into use?

I for one.
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Girls use chemicals to remove polish and, no one bats an eye

Hitler uses chemicals to remove Polish, and everyone loses their mind

Edit: NSFW was requested

Edit: yes, this is a repost. Sharing the laughs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to have sex daily...

Then Reddit taught me it was just dyslexia...

I used to be into sadism, bestiality and necrophilia!

But then I figured I was just flogging a dead horse.
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When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room and I used to clean his.

We were maid for each other.
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My ex used to hit me with musical instruments

I didn't know that she had a history of violins.
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Why do all astronauts use a mac?

Because its dangerous to open windows in space.
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I asked the gym trainer what type of machine i should use to get the best looking women

He said the ATM outside
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God initially planned to use wasps to pollinate flowers.

But in the end, he went with plan Bee.
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What do Mexicans use to cut their pizza?

Little Caesars.





...I'll see myself out.
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| don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals.

It's pointless.



But, anyway. You gotta draw the line somewhere, or
else people will think you're being irrational. But
that is beside the point.
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What headphones does United Airlines use?

Beats by Dr.
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In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo.

All the other paintball players started freaking out though.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day after sex, my girl told me she used to be a Christian.

Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe."

Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.

After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a butt plug being used by a guy?

A manhole cover

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I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed.

I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Girls use chemicals to remove polish and no one bats an eye

But when hitler does it everyone loses their mind

I decided to use my knife to save ammo

Apparently that’s not allowed in paintball
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My granddad always used to say, “As one door closes another one opens.”

Lovely man.

Terrible cabinet maker.
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The Earth used to be flat,

but then they buried yo mama.
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Why do The Brit’s still use ‘u’ in words like “colour” and “armour”?

Because Rick Astley is British.
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My wife minored in psychology. She's always using all her amateur psychology when we argue.

When I fired the pool boy, she said, "Well, you know, you're only firing him because he's so young and good looking, and you feel threatened and insecure, because it reminds you of your own mortality, and you're projecting all these insecurities onto someone else in a very passive/aggressive way, be...
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Why are the Russian forces in Ukraine using the symbol "Z"?

Because the other half of the swastika fell off due to poor Russian maintenance.
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We used to have empires run by emperors, then we had kingdoms run by kings..

Now we have countries..
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Use any units you'd like (actually happened in a class of mine)

Professor: Anyone want to guess the Earth's magnetic field strength? Use any units you'd like.

Student: *raises hand*

Professor: Yes?

Student: 1 Earth
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My son asked me, “Dad, why is it important to use a condom during sex?’

I said, “Usually, it’s to avoid answering questions like this.”

At school one day, Little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to use the word “contagious” in a sentence…

Cindy raises her hand. “Yes, Cindy?” She answers, “I was at the dentist’s office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious.”

“Very good, Cindy!” the teacher said, “Anyone else want to try?” Samantha raises her hand. “Yes, Sa...
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I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
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I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’

You've probably seen our posters.
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A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'...

Teacher's pet gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."
“Well done, Roland," says the teacher, "can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie...
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My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid

She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.

I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth
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What coding language do you think God uses?

Probably not Python right?
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My mum used to feed my brother and I by saying ‘here comes the train’, and we always used to eat it straight away

Otherwise she wouldn’t untie us from the tracks
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I kept forgetting my passwords until someone told me to use 1Password!

That's a much easier password to remember.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to love joking about anal sex until I actually tried it.

Now I'm slightly torn...

What pickup line do guys use to get girls in Alabama?

You’re like a sister to me.
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What’s always a useful comment when someone pulls a knife on you?

I see your point
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My farmer friend used his stimulus to buy baby chickens.

He got the money for nothing, and the chicks for free.
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An old lady used to cross the US-Mexico border every day using a motorcycle...

The guards, especially officer Johnson, knew she was smuggling something. But, no matter what they did, they could never find it.

Dogs wouldn't sniff anything, metal detectors wouldn't bleep, disassembling the motorcycle wouldn't help.

Many years later, on his last day at the job, once...
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What does the Trump administration use instead of emails?

Alternative fax.
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I'll never use that dictionary again...

The definition it gave for "obfuscate" was confusing and misleading.
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I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.

I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.
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A king had 10 wild dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.

A king had 10 wild dogs.
He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.

A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn’t like at all…
So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said,
"I served you loyall...
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What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

Ones a Goodyear. The other is a great year.
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[nsfw] Totally legit, but you can use a joke if you want to.

**Scene:** I was living in an apartment complex where all the bedroom windows faced into a small courtyard of sorts, walled on three sides with 3 stories of bedroom windows. None of the apartments in this complex have air-conditioning. It's close to midnight, December in Sydney AUS, it's a hot humid...

When receiving payment in gold coins, pirates used to verify their purity by biting into them

In other word, criminals only accepting payment in bit coins goes long way back
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Why do Adam and Eve use Android?

Because Eve violated the apple terms and conditions.
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I used to get sad remembering the day Mitch Hedberg died….

I still do, but I used to, too.

RIP
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Can we ban the “yo momma” jokes from this sub? They’re old, stupid and have been used by everyone hundreds of times.

Just like yo momma.
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Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap

He was high on my list of priorities
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"Hey Bud, why don't you use condoms?"

"My pull out game is superb. Condoms are also expensive, gotta pinch pennies when you have 14 kids to feed."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to think all black people had boomboxes

then I realized that was just a stereo type

What kind of operating system do russians use?

Almost any OS, but they're afraid of windows...
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It's incredible how many French words are now used in the English language

There's 'Hors D'oeuvres' for starters.
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A teacher asks her students to use the word fascinate in a sentence.

First she calls on Sussy. "My dad and I went to the movies and we were fascinated!" Sussy says.
"Well that's pretty good, but I wanted you to use fascinate not fascinated."

So she calls on Mary next. "My family went to the zoo, and it was fascinating!" Mary says.
"That's not bad either,...

To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
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There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighborhood tavern every night…

Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that screen door would kick open and if you looked closely you’d see that crazy little mouse. He’d sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big shit-eating grin. High fives with the bartender. “Gimme a beer, Sam!” “Sur...

A man is playing golf, but keeps missing all his shots, and swearing, until a priest comes up to him and tells him not to use the lords name in vain.

"Jesus's christ! Missed again!" The golfer shouts in anger. "You mustn't swear like that, or God will enact his wrath on you." The priest explains. But the man doesn't listen.

His next shot is even further off. "Jesus christ! Missed again." The man yells in anger. The priest explains again, h...
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What do you call an Engineer who doesn’t know how to use a calculator?

A project manager.
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What do you do with 365 used condoms?

Melt them down, make a tyre and call it a good year.
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My girlfriend used to smoke after we made love

so we started using lubricant
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Nsfw. I tell people my ex and I used to 96...

It's like 69, but you lay down facing away from each other and there's no touching.
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Back in the day Oklahoma use to have a slogan “Oklahoma is OK!”, you know why it was just OK?

Because they couldn’t spell mediocre.
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do NOT use shampoo as lube

It will completely fuck with your car

Cybersecurity experts have found an easy way to spot North Korean hackers. They never use the shift key.

They hate capitalism.
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In Canada, they use “B.C.E.” instead of “B.C”

It stands for Before Christ, Eh?
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Why does Donald trump use twitter instead of Facebook?

Because he has followers, not friends.
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How do you use a condom twice?

You shake the fuck out of it.

I used to date a girl who was missing a shin.





Her name was Eileen. She had a brother who was missing both shins. His name was Neil.
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My mom used to tuck me in when I was young

She wanted a daughter so bad
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If the Titan is used to explore the wreck of the Titanic, what explores the wreck of the Titan?

The Tit.
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I asked my kid for a phone book. They rolled their eyes and said "OK boomer, we don't use those anymore" and handed me their phone.

Now their phone is smashed and they are furious, but I got that spider!
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What do elephants use as tampons?

Sheep.

Why do elephants have trunks?

Sheep don't have strings.

They used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a comedian.

Well they're not laughing now!
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What language is most commonly used in programming?

Profanity.
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I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot

Now I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B
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I used to date a woman who was a little person.

I was nuts over her!
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When I was a kid my mom used to say " Perdon my French" when she said any bad word.

I'll never forget the day in school when my teacher ask if could speak French.
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I used to have a German girlfriend... [NSFW]

We used to rate our sexual experiences out of 10.

We tried anal once and she yelled out 9! 9! the whole time

My best ever score.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rabbit is captured and taken to a medical laboratory to be used for experiments . . .

There, he befriends a rabbit who was born and raised in the lab. One day, he notices that the researchers didn't latch his cage properly and he decides to make a break for it. He tells the lab rabbit how great it is on the outside and convinces him to come along.

First, the wild rabbit take...

Fishermen hate him- You won't believe the one item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else

Click bait.
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Why do most programmers use dark mode?

Because the light attracts too many bugs
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My dad owns 4 tents which he uses for camping

He uses all 4 at different times of the year, and each one is based on 1 of 4 different musical genres.

In spring he uses the jazz tent, in summer he uses the pop tent, in autumn he uses the classical tent….

But now is the winter of our disco tent.
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i used to work in a fort cleaning the inside of cannons

then they fired me.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Most of the dirty jokes I see on this sub are either about necrophilia, bestiality, or masturbation. They used to be funny.

But at this point, they're beating off a dead horse.

Why do spies never use capitalization?

They like to stay low-key.
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A radio station in Ireland is taking calls to find a word that is commonly used but isn't in the dictionary yet...

The first caller get's through,

"Hello! What word do you think should be in the dictionary?"

"Goan!"

"Goan? Can you use it in a sentence?"

"Yeah, go'an fuck yerself!" The caller then begins laughing until the station can cut off his call.

After several more calls t...

I used to be scared of pretty girls,

So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.
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Why doesn't George R. R. Martin use Twitter?

He killed all 140 characters.
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What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?

A seatbelt

There's an easy trick you can use to calculate your IQ

It's 150 minus the number of rolls of toilet paper you have at home.
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I remember when I first used Reddit.

Everything was new. To me there were no reposts.

What a good 4 seconds
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What money do they use on Superman's homeworld?

Kryptocurrency
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I used to get angry every time I see someone say “Trump 2020”.

If only I knew it was an expiration date.
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I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, and my roommate used it to roll his joint.

He is now high on my list of people I never wanna see again.
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My grandma used to tell us this joke. She’d say, “knock knock,” we’d say, “who’s there?”

Then she’d say “I can’t remember!” and start to cry. And we’d laugh and laugh to make her feel better, but she was shit at telling jokes.

I used to date a girl who was a fan of “Lion king” like me.

Whenever we made out, she used to say Sukona ma tatas.

I always corrected her saying that it’s Hakuna matata.

I just realized that I am an idiot.
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Why don't vampires use autocorrect?

Because they love Type Os
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I used to be a male trapped in a females body...

Then I was born.
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What do pigs use when they get hurt?

Oink-ment

(My 7 year old made this up and wanted me to share!)
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The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family....

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"O...
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