I'll never use that dictionary again...

The definition it gave for "obfuscate" was confusing and misleading.

Do not use "beef_stew" as a password!

It's not stroganoff.

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He said, “Try the ATM outside”

What did communists use before candles?

Electricity.

I don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals

It's pointless.

My cousin, a magician, decided to incorporate the use of trapdoors in his shows.

I think it's just a stage he's going through.

Why Americans don’t use metric?

Foot fetish

Trump's is short, and Arnold Schwarzenegger's is long; Madonna doesn't have one, and the Pope is not supposed to use his. Of course I'm talking about...

... their last name.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was young, I used to think earwigs actually lived in your ears

so you can imagine how terrified I was of cockroaches.

What currency can we use to buy coffee in space

S T A R B U C K S

I used to illegally give weed to my prize winning cows, but I had to stop.

The steaks were too high.

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One day after sex, my girl told me she used to be a Christian.

Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe."

Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."

Website: We use cookies to improve performance.

Me: Same

Teacher: OK Sally, make a sentence using the word ‘contagious’

Sally: Our neighbour is painting his whole house with a two inch brush and my dad said it’s going to take the contagious.

What currency do processes use to bribe the processor?

They use cache

I find it wild that people would use cleaning products on their skeletons.

But to bleach their bone, I guess.

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What does a shit farmer use to build his shit fence?

shit post

I used to smoke weed with a nun

One day we were blazing and she confessed to me that she always wore the same robe whenever she smoked weed. She said as soon as she finished smoking she'd go straight home, wash it, and hide it in the back of her closet.

I guess you could say she was ashamed of her drug habit.

A teacher in Ireland is giving an English lesson and asks the class for examples of when they have heard the word "contagious" being used…

One eager child says, "Daddy says to cover my mouth when I cough because my cold is contagious!"

"Very good!" replied the teacher. "Has anybody else got an example?"

"My mummy says my laugh is contagious!" said another child.


"Great answer!" said the teacher, "How about you...

I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....

He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again

What's the difference between a used tire and 365 used condoms?

One's a Goodyear. The other is a great year.

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An old Italian gentleman wanted to plant his annual tomato garden. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son:

"Dear Vincent, I am pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa."...

It's easy to explain why so many national governments are in shambles today. Empires used to be run by emperors. Kingdoms were run by kings.

And now we have countries...

Now that I’m an dad, I’ve been learning dad jokes. But I Can never find the opportunity to use them.

Guess I gotta look father

My Uncle used to say: "when one door closes, another opens"

He was a decent philosopher, but a lousy cabinet maker.

My friend is trying to convince me not to buy a Tesla because electric cars use up a lot of battery going uphill.

But that’s a hill I’m willing to die on.

What does a Bird use to open a locked door

Crowbar

My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid

She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.

I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth

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[Dark] My coworker and I were comparing the uses of mustard.

Me: If you have a burn problem, put mustard on it

Her: If you have a cut problem, put mustard on it

Me: If you have a hotdog problem, put mustard on it

Her: If you have a Jew problem, put mustard on it

Other worker, to manager: She's talking about the gas

Manager: ...

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl use the bathroom?

Because they’re extinct.

What did Pythagorus use to kill himself?

A hypotenoose.

I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.

I told her we use names here.

I used to think I understood the Dunning-Kruger effect...

but the more I look into it, the less sure I am.

I asked my teenage niece to go get me a newspaper, she laughed at me and said "oh uncle , you're so old. Just use my phone"

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill the fly.

Contrary to popular belief, Americans actually use their feet more than any other country in the world!

The Europeans prefer the meter.

I don't have anything I can use to shred my cheese

But if I did that'd be grate

An old man used to call his wife "mother of six" since they had 6 children and this nickname kinda annoyed her

"Mother of six, could you bring my coffe?" He would yell to her from the living room.

"Mother of six, is dinner ready?" He would say every night just to mess with her, as he laughed.

She was becoming really angry at him because of this unwanted nickname, until Thanksgiving, where the ...

WTH???!!!! I was in Walmart using the damn restroom and just as I closed my stall door, a voice from the next stall said, “Hi! How are you?”

Embarrassed... I said, “I’m aight!!"

The voice said, "So what are you up to?”

I said, “Ummm... Just trying to handle a little private business over here!”

Then I hear, “Can I come over?”

Annoyed... I said “Excuse me?!?!."

Then the voice said, “Listen, I will hav...

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I used to have a girlfriend from Germany

She was really into the Olympics and she would actually rate me on my performance in bed. The best I ever did, was the night I slipped it into her butt. She kept screaming 9! 9! 9!

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Did you hear about that baby that was born without one of his eye-lids? they used part of his foreskin to replace it.

He’ll be alright, just a little cock-eyed.

Whenever my mom used to feed me, she’d always say “here comes the Choo-Choo Train!!!”

And I had to eat otherwise she wouldn’t untie me from the tracks

I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey

But I turned myself around.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and possibly use lubricant

Why do nurses use red pens?

In case they need to draw blood



P.s my mom told me this

What does Eminem use when he fights?

Marshall Arts

What does a carpenter use to make a casket when someone dies with an erection

Mourning wood

I used to cry when my dad cut onions

Onions was a good dog, I miss him dearly

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After 6+ years of me and my wife being together, she still gets mad whenever i use her toothbrush

So if anyone knows another way to remove dogshit from my sneakers id be happy to hear it

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot...

It got so bad that finally, I had to take his bike away!

Cardi B has a sister that sells used cars

Her name is Cardi Lership

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I used to cry during sex

but now pepper spray doesn't really effect me anymore.

What do you call guys who use the pull-out method?

Fathers.

Why don’t mermaids use Bash?

Because they prefer a C-Shell.

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

What bank do drug testing companies prefer to use?

PNC

Ikea have withdrawn a range of wooden tables made from australian wood that aborigines also use to make boomerangs.

They keep bringing them back.

As we were driving down the road, "Sweet Caroline" came on the radio. I said to my son, "Little known fact, Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal."

"Until the pressure got to him."

I used to believe my neighbour when he said he slept standing upright.

But he's been lying.

If you want to impress a date, don't tell them you use AdBlock

I installed it the other day and now none of the hot singles even want to talk to me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Another use for condoms...

You can actually put a condom on your doorknob, it'll stop anyone coming inside.













_

The only vacuum I use is the one made specifically for made for antivax parents...

Dyson

One of my favorite childhood memories is when my dad used to roll us down the hill inside of a tire.

Those were the Goodyears.

I used to know a really funny joke

Then I divorced her

I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,

50% of them will still be below average.

What does Batman use to wash his hair?

Conditioner Gordon.

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection. How is it possible?

Doctor : There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot, then it died!

Guy : Nonsense! S...

I used to work for a soft drink can crushing company

It was soda pressing

This sub isn't as good as it used to be

Said the captain as he decommissioned the old submarine.

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross...

“Something for this I have.” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, th...

I decided to use my knife to save ammo

Apparently that’s not allowed in paintball

Propellers on small planes are actually used to keep the pilot cool.

When it stops spinning, you can see the pilot start to sweat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My penis used to be in the Guinness book of world records

At least it was until I got kicked out of the library

Little Billy used to drink, But he shall drink no more.

For what he thought was H₂O was H₂SO₄.

The air compressor at the gas station used to be a quarter, now it's a dollar.

That's the cost of inflation.

Use swimming goggles

They will change your swimming view

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*BREAKING NEWS* A baby is born without eyelids, and doctors use his foreskin to replace them.

The surgery was a success. The baby should make a full recovery, but he will always be a little cockeyed.

My friend used to boast about how much super glue he could eat

He now keeps his mouth shut

what does the internet use when swimming?

googles. i think this OC but i could be wrong

After a fire, the corpse of a man is found in a burned-out warehouse. The investigation found that he first set a fire, ate an excessive amount of salt, then used a contraption to bury himself in tons more.

The investigators concluded that his self-preservation instinct must have kicked in.

Why did the bear use gloves when eating honey?

He didn't want to touch it with his bear hands.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When your phone accidentally replaces fuck with duck, you can still use it.

It's still fowl language

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why dont elephants use tampons?

You wouldn't use them either if you had to put them in with your nose!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don’t always use toilet paper but when I do...

I use a shit ton

An old lady treats herself.

An old lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 90th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel.

When she checked out the next morning, the receptionist handed her a bill for £250.00.

She demanded to know why the charge was so high “I agree it’s a nice hotel...

Why did Oedipus Rex not use profanity?

Because he kissed his mother with that mouth!

I only use self service checkouts....

They always have the hottest cashiers

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Mother: "Come on, Victor, you have to get out of bed or you'll be late for school."

Victor: "Mom, do I have to? All the teachers hate me, and all the students hate me, too."

Mother: "Yes, you do."

Victor: "Give me one good reason."

Mother: "Because you're 47 years old, and you're the principal."

I asked 100 women what shampoo they prefer to use in the shower

They all replied with "how did you get in here!?"

Teacher: Use dandelion in the sentence

Kid *Jamaican accent*: The cheetah is faster dandelion

How To Use Stairs;

Step 1.
Step 2.
Step 3.
Step 4.
Step 5.
Step 6.
Step 7.
Step 8.
Step 9.
Step 10.
Step 11.
Step 12.
Step 13.
Step 14.

Why do communists prefer to use only lowercase letter?

Well, because they hate capitalism.

What did communists use before they used candle light?

Lightbulbs...

"Mom, how do you use 'dark humor'?"

"Simple honey. See that man over there with no arms? Tell him to clap his hands."

"But mom, I'm blind!"

She chuckles to herself, "Exactly."

We don't use corporal punishment anymore

It's old school.

What do Engineers use for birth control?

Their personalities

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kids in a class are learning how to use the word “definitely”

One girl says “the sky is definitely blue” that is wrong

One boy says “the leaves are definitely green” that is wrong

One boy asks “are farts lumpy?”

The teacher says no,

He says “then I definitely shit my pants”

"Hey Bud, why don't you use condoms?"

"My pull out game is superb. Condoms are also expensive, gotta pinch pennies when you have 14 kids to feed."

We should use Hillary Clinton's emails to build a wall

Because a lot of people can't seem to get over it.

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Why do Canadian women use a hockey puck instead of tampons?

Cuz they last for three periods.

(I am truly sorry)

Why does Scottish Mickey Mouse no longer use his helicopter?

It Disney land.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?

A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force pl...

What do pirates use to treat burns

Ahoy Vera

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Platelets could play music, what instrument would they use?

A Throm-bone!


*I’m sorry, I was in the OR and the Surgical tech said this shitty joke and it’s been stuck in my head all morning. so I just needed to share to find ANYONE who thought it was funny to validate me laughing at it while everyone else in the room stood in silence. *

Farmers, they use a lot of heroin.

Finding the evidence, mind you, is like looking for a needle in a...

Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.

They're *always* plotting something.

Elephants are the ultimate animal for use in espionage

Get them into a room and nobody will even acknowledge them

What does the umpire say when he uses the bathroom?

Urine... you’re out!

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more.

Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position ...

What video streaming service do Russians use?

Niet-flix

Everywhere on reddit I see people telling others to use a banana for scale.

But every time I step on a banana, it doesn't tell me how much I weigh. It just makes a mess. What am I doing wrong?

What does a circus performer use to read computer documents?

Adobe Acrobat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What magic spell does Harry Potter use when he get diarrhoea from a chocolate mousse?

Expelli-arse-mousse

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear people who don't use capital letters.

We're the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW: what do The PJ Masks ‘Gecko’ and ‘Cat Boy’ use to clean up after sex?

A moist Owlette.

What type of knife do chefs use to connect to Bluetooth?

A pairing knife

My friend Carson asked why I only use a step ladder

I never knew my real ladder

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My German girlfriend and I use to rate ourselves when we have sex on a 1-10 scale.

Last night, I must have been really good, because she kept screaming "9!"

What kind of sugar does Lady Gaga use in her coffee?

Raw raw raw raw raw

When writing, I try to use contractions as little as possible.

I find them reductive.

What language do mute mathematicians use?

Sine language

What car can't you own if you use a nokia?

A kia

Get a load of this: PetSmart has announced that they will soon begin carrying a line of cosmetics for use on Gerbils, Hamsters, and Guinea Pigs.

The line is going to be called Rodent and Fields.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

if you've ever wondered what it'd be like to be married ...

Find a woman who doesn't want to have sex with you, and buy her a house.

What do you say when someone who's Double Jointed uses their gift to win a boxing match?

Weird flex but K.O.

You use a telescope for looking through space and a periscope for looking through water. But what do you use to look through walls?

A window.

What does the Trump administration use instead of emails?

Alternative fax.

Why did the tellytubbies all use the bathroom at the same time?

They only have one Tinky Winky!

My father alway use to say “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

‘Til the accident

There was a tile mason who was terrible at his job. He couldn't get the right tile to use and if he did he could not lay it the correct way.

He had erect tile dysfunction

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm a firm believer of traditional wisdom. So I use the world's first and most effective contraceptive there is,

Being really fucking ugly.

What does Superman use to dry himself?

A Tow-El.

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