My grandad always used to say “as one door closes another one opens”

Lovely man, Terrible cabinet maker.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, Ma'am", he ...

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There was an American man who lived in Thailand and when he was there he had a lot of sex and never used a condom the entire time.

Then he returned to America and one morning he woke up and noticed bright green and purple dots on his penis

Freaked out, he went to the doctor. The doctor said "I have never seen anything like this before. We will need to run some tests." So they ran some tests and he said come back in 3 day...

What did communists use before candles?

Electricity

‌‌I use‌‌d t‌‌o thin‌‌k al‌‌l blac‌‌k peopl‌‌e ha‌‌d boomboxes.

Turne‌‌d ou‌‌t i‌‌t wa‌‌s jus‌‌t ‌‌a stere‌‌o type.

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A rapist and conman get caught by the sheriff in a small town. The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners, so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can...

The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople.

The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them to posts and sets up shop.

He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime, so anyone can pay $1 ...

Apparently you can’t use “ beefstew” as a password.

It’s not stroganoff.

"The word of the day is 'contagious'" Said the teacher, "Who can use it in a sentence?"

Little Jenny stood up and said "My dad has a cold and said its contagious"

The teacher praised Jenny and ask for an example from another student.

Billy stood up and said "Miss, my mum has the flu, and I think its contagious"

Happy with Billy's response, the teacher asked for on...

To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money

On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches

Why use shampoo...

...when you can use real poo?

My wife's cooking is pretty good, but it makes me sad when she uses so much spice.

I'm starting to think I have seasonal depression.

I wrote down the names of everyone I dislike on a piece of paper, and my roommate used that to roll his joint.

He is now high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.

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My girlfriend asked me to take a picture of my penis for her college class to use. Said my penis was a perfect specimen!

It was for her microbiology class.

I remember my first time using a condom...

I just turned 18 and went to buy a packet on condoms from the pharmacy. There was an attractive, young assistant behind the counter and she could tell that I was new to it. She handed me the package and knew if I knew how to wear one. I said no, so she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped...

What does a pimp gnome use to make his money?

The garden hoes.

My wife would use a vibrator a lot when she was pregnant

Now my kid has a pretty bad stutter

When I was a kid, I used to believe in such nonsense as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny.

Now that I've grown older, I don't believe in that rubbish anymore, thank God.

TIL: There is a scientific name for couples that use the withdrawal method for birth control

Parents

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I used to be into Sadomasochism, necrophilia and beastiality....

... until I realised I was just flogging a dead horse

The bottle of suncream I bought said "When applied properly, this bottle contains 15 uses".

It's probably more but they're just covering themselves.

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What do you use to pick up turtle poop in Mario?

A Koopa Troopa Poopa Scoopa

A man walks into a gym and asks the receptionist: “what machine should I use to impress women?”

She responded swiftly (pointing outside the door) saying “The ATM machine, sir...”

I used to date a cross-eyed girl.

I stopped when I found out she was seeing someone on the side.

The first female president

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive,...

What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?

Amazon kindle.

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He said, “Try the ATM outside.”

I used to own a business, where I sold landmines disguised as prayer mats..

The prophets are going through the roof

An old Joke that used to make my friends laugh.

Disclaimer: I am using nationalities, but I mean no offense or disrespect.

3 men die and are sent to hell. American, Bhuddist monk and a russian. They meet the devil. The sevil says:

"I will allow you to leave and go to heaven, if you can endure 3 lashes from my whip without screaming...

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My Dad always used to tell me that too much masturbation makes you go blind.

If only he could see me now.

I wanted to make a post with a joke about musical notes. I first attempted to use Do or Mi, but in the end I went with

a Re post.

I used to think I was indecisive

But now I’m not too sure

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of oil do massage therapists use?

Palm oil!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is masturbation so useful?

Because it always comes in handy

Teacher: "‌‌Use t‌‌he w‌‌ord '‌‌centimeter' i‌‌n a‌‌ s‌‌entence"

Student: "‌‌My g‌‌randma w‌‌as a‌‌rriving a‌‌t t‌‌he t‌‌rain s‌‌tation s‌‌o i‌‌ w‌‌as c‌‌entimeter."

Teacher: "‌‌No, n‌‌o, t‌‌hat's '‌‌Sent t‌‌o m‌‌eet h‌‌er'. O‌‌kay, t‌‌ry a‌‌nother o‌‌ne. U‌‌se '‌‌contagious' i‌‌n a‌‌ s‌‌entence p‌‌lease."

Student: "‌‌I h‌‌ad t‌‌o w‌‌ait a‌‌t t‌‌he ...

A father told his daughter not to use the swings during her school field trip to the park...

...because she was wearing a skirt that day so he told her not to swing as the boys in her class could see her underwear.

When the girl got back home her father asked if she did swing, she said don’t worry dad no one saw my underwear I took it off and put it in my bag.

I remember my childhood quite fondly, when Dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.

Those were the Good Years.

There was a blind irishman who didn't use a stick, he navigated by simply bouncing off the walls until he got where he needed.

They called him Rick O'Shea

What laptop does an astronaut use?

Macbook. ‘Cos you can’t open windows in space. Ciao Bella ciao

What bank does a dog use?

Bark-lays

What's the best line to use when trying to pick up a woman?

Cocaine.

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We use 300 muscles to keep our balance when we stand

We use 300 muscles to keep our balance when we stand, The length of a penis is 3 times the length of the thumb the femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster then a man's.A woman has read this entire post..a man is stil lookin at his thumb

I used to cough in public to hide my farts

But now I am farting in public to hide my coughs.

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

Ones a Goodyear. The other is a great year.

Why don't we use swords anymore?

Aren't they still cutting edge technology?

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then...

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I was taking a leak and used my stream to kill a fly

Better be the last time I see one of those bastards on my rommate’s toothbrush

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‌‌I use‌‌d t‌‌o smok‌‌e wee‌‌d an‌‌d g‌‌o t‌‌o class...

Snea‌‌k i‌‌n te‌‌n minute‌‌s lat‌‌e wit‌‌h ‌‌a bullshi‌‌t excuse‌‌. Slin‌‌k dow‌‌n lo‌‌w a‌‌t m‌‌y desk‌‌. Pra‌‌y t‌‌o Go‌‌d nobod‌‌y aske‌‌d m‌‌e an‌‌y questions.

‌‌I wa‌‌s th‌‌e bes‌‌t teache‌‌r ever.

A hammer has a lot of uses

For example, it can be a bus pass, or a dinner coupon.

My grandad never used to like throwing things away

He died in WW2 holding onto a hand grenade

I’ve always wondered what parents used to do for fun before the internet.

I’ll go ask my twelve brothers and sisters.

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I had a call from a scammer the other day

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”>...

67% of women have used vibrators

The other 33% have brand new ones.

I used to work for an origami company...

...but they folded.

I used to think that 12 AM and 12 PM were the same thing...

I can’t believe I ever thought that. Those were different times.

what kind of flour do orphans use?

self-raising

I used to have this amazing device that would lead me to the most delicious mushrooms

But now it seems i've lost my Morel Compass

I used to have a job collecting leaves

I was raking it in

You can recycle an old brassiere into a face mask. It is important to remember to only use the left cup...

otherwise you will end up looking like a right tit.

What search engine do Christians use?

Ask Jeevus

A woman who had no degree, achievements, or useful skills, except for being good looking, used to be known only as a trophy wife

today they're mostly known as social media influencers

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What do incels use for lubrication?

Extra virgin olive oil.

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I recently discovered my therapist uses electric stimulation to encourage group participation.

I was shocked to say the least.

I used to work at a cats home , but I had to leave.

They reduced meowers.

I used to date a sniper

Her name was Aimee

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What do elephants use for tampons?

Sheep.

Why can't elephants use computers?

Because they are scared of the mouse

What type of cheese do you use to attract a Bear?

camembeart

I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey...

then I turned myself around.

Plastic surgery used to be a taboo subject

Now if you mention Botox, no one even raises an eyebrow

we used to have empires run by emperor's, and kingdoms run by kings,

now we have countries...

I used to hate dad jokes

but I've groaned to love them.

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What musical instrument does the president use to tell his wife he wants to have sex?

Trump-bone

I asked an Italian plastic surgeon what he uses for breast implants

He just replied "Si"

What kind of detergent does a mermaid use?

Tide

When I was in college my roommate used to clean my room and I used to clean his

We were maid for each other

I interviewed some people about what shampoo brand they used.

To my surprise, all 10/10 of them uses "GET OUT OF MY BATHROOM"!

I've decided I'm not going to use my car indicators anymore.

It's really nobody's business where I'm going.

I used to be a lifeguard,

but some blue kid got me fired.

What do rocks use for personal hygiene?

Geoderant!

The government in this town is excellent and uses your tax dollars efficiently.

~Ron Swanson

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Why doesn't Karen use a dildo?

To come plain.

I used my stimulus check to buy baby chickens

Money for nothing, and the chicks for free

What tool does a spanish man use to play the violin?

Elbow

What do cops use pepper spray for?

A salt!

The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don't know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?

Three guys interviewing to be a detective.

The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that"

He calls them into his office one by one.

The first guy goes in and ...

Back then, girls used to chase after me like crazy.

But I no longer steal handbags.

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A man who looks exactly like Conway Twitty has car trouble and goes looking to use a phone...

He gets to a neighborhood, knocks on the first door he comes to. A woman answers the door.

"Oh my God, you're Conway Twitty!" She shouts.

"No ma'am, I hear that all the time, but I'm not him, my car broke down, may I use your phone?"

"Well if you're not him, you're not using my ...

I use a Ouija board as a chopping board

That’s how I make my soul food.

What do you call a C₆H₁₂O₆ molecule that can use its right and left hands equally well?

Ambidextrose

What do pigs use for irritated skin?

Oinkment

What’s the #1 use for cow hide in the world?

Holding cows together.

My grandfather used to walk to school with M. C. Escher

He says it really was uphill both ways.

My dad used to tell me "always ask before taking something"

He was a good dad but a horrible thief.

Whats an Irishman use as sunscreen?

A pub!

(I know, its an old one)

Why do hot air ballons use burners and not steam?

Because Fireflies and Waterfalls

I always knock on the door and don't use the doorbell.

I think i deserve a Nobel prize.

What kind of flour should you use to make a cake for a cat?

All purr-puss flour.

Did you know there are tents surviving that Genghis Khan used to sleep in? I just scored one on eBay!

Thought you would appreciate my original Kahn tent.

My father used to chase skirts all over the world...

But when he got to Scotland, oh boy was he surprised.

It used to be you would cough to cover a fart.

Now in the age of COVID, you fart to cover a cough!

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Local terrorists used school as hostage.

The quiet kid at school: “You picked the wrong school motherfuckers.”

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body.

Then I realized who was telling me this.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to love masturbating to the fact that I can see, hear, smell, touch, and taste.

Then I came to my senses.

I use to watch the news naked,

-but the TV kept getting turned off.

I like to use irregular conjunctions

But that's just the kind of guy I'm.

A study by Cambridge University shows that 57% of women have used vibrators...

...and 37% of women have new ones while the other 6% use both new and used ones.

Why can't you use vegetable oil as gearbox lubricant?

Because it doesn't contain any trans fats.

What pronouns does a chocolate bar use?

Her/she’s

Why don’t Jedi parents let their kids use the Force at the dinner table?

Like any other parents, they believe children should not be Force-fed.

I used to be a personal driver in France

But now I have nothing to chauffeur it...

My coworker told me he used to have the same wireless earbuds as mine until his dog ate them...

Now he has blue teeth.

I used to be an Indian giver...

I take that back, I still am.

There's an easy trick you can use to calculate your IQ

It's 150 minus the number of rolls of toilet paper you have at home.

As a kid, I used to complain about my sister "breathing my aaaaaair!"

My complaints are more founded now that she has coronavirus.

Why don’t film soundtracks use jazz and classical?

Too much sax and violins.

Use the word 'horticulture' in a sentence

You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.

- Dorothy Parker

I used to hate facial hair,

but then it grew on me.

He armed himself with clever words for online use.

He equips e-quips.

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What does an aviator use to spice things up in the bed room?

Planal beads.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop...

It was sole destroying

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out about a type of bread that’s used as a dildo in france

It’s a pain in the ass

I used to date an English teacher.

She dumped me however...

She didn’t like my improper use of the colon.

I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!

I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.

I used to have a giant grey mammal, but I never had a use for it and it was always off-topic.

It was completely irrelephant.

My wife used to wrestle before we had kids

Now you should see her box

Jeffrey Dahmer walks into his local used furniture store with a sofa.

"It might have some stains." He mutters sheepishly.
"Come again?" Inquires the hard of hearing store manager.
"Some blood as well this time."

If you’ve never used a telescope before...

You should look into it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mother used to pose for porn magazines in the 70’s. A few years ago, someone uploaded a bunch of her pictures to the internet.

I see them from time to time, but they’re pretty hard to come by.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to watch porn.

Now, I am used to watching porn.

I asked my dad, "why does the military use uniforms?"

He replied, " To minimize casual tees'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Use code: “THISISAFUCKINGROBBERY”

in store for a 100% Discount.

Which font do the protesters use to paint BLACK LIVES MATTER onto the streets of New York City?

Times Square New Roman.

I used to bully someone in a wheelchair.

He didn't stand up for himself.

I used to tell dad jokes.

He's dead now though.

In the interests of self care, and to promote healthier lifestyle choices for myself now that I'm single, each morning when I get up, I look myself in the mirror, and say the three little words I always used to say to my wife

"You're too fat"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would...

It used to be free to fill your tires with air now it costs $1.50!

Now that's what you call inflation!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to suffer from constipation

That shit was hard.

Most people know how to use the mp3 and mp4 formats...

But quiet kids only know about mp5

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