Can we ban the “yo momma” jokes from this sub? They’re old, stupid and have been used by everyone hundreds of times.

Just like yo momma.

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There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighborhood tavern every night…

Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that screen door would kick open and if you looked closely you’d see that crazy little mouse. He’d sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big shit-eating grin. High fives with the bartender. “Gimme a beer, Sam!” “Sur...

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Last week, after a one night stand with a woman, she had the gall to get up and use my toothbrush without even asking first. I told her, "That's disgusting!" She replied, "Well, we just had sex, so what's the big difference?"

I answered, "The difference is, I was gonna use the toothbrush again."

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I'm sorry I used your soap to masturbate.

I just had to come clean.

I used to make jokes at work during meetings, and I could really get people laughing. Then COVID hit, and all our meetings were online. I'd still make jokes, but no one would laugh...

Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted. It turns out, they didn't find me remotely funny.

I used to date a girl who was a fan of “Lion king” like me.

Whenever we made out, she used to say Sukona ma tatas.

I always corrected her saying that it’s Hakuna matata.

I just realized that I am an idiot.

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While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

Me and my wife recently started using Only Fans.

Because our air conditioner broke.

And this will definitely help pay for a new air conditioner.

Why isn't Holy Water used in vaccines ?

Because, you can't take the Lords name in vein.

I used to rip off famous comedians' jokes to post on Reddit for easy karma.

I still do, but I used to, too.

I'll never use that dictionary again...

The definition it gave for "obfuscate" was confusing and misleading.

Not sure why people are getting grief for using ivermectin to combat covid

The label clearly states it is safe for use in donkeys and jackassess.

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The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good....

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Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it.

Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.
The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"
"That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks...

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath,

"Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

Which hand do you use to cut your steak?

Neither, you use a knife.

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then ...

I used to date a girl who had one leg and worked at a brewery...

She was in charge of the hops...

Why can’t republicans use hand sanitizer?

Because the directions say to apply liberally

What do you call an Engineer who doesn’t know how to use a calculator?

A project manager.

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do NOT use shampoo as lube

It will completely fuck with your car

What does sasquatch use for money?

Cryptid-currencies.

(Yeah I know it sucks)

I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes.

I mean, I still do, but I used to, too.

What does a frog use to conceal itself?

A croaking device.

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I once dated a German girl that used to give me marks out of ten for sex...

she particularly liked anal, every time I put it in she screamed nein! nein! nein!

What do guys on Reddit use for birth control?

Their personalities.

I used "MyDick" as a password and got this error:

"Try something longer"

It’s no longer legal to use hash marks to count in Afghanistan

This is because of the new tally ban rule.

I used to be a male trapped in a women's body

Then I was born.

You’re not allowed to use ‘beef-stew’ as a password.

It’s not stroganoff.

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Did you hear that Viagra can be used as a sleep aid?

I took one before bed last night and slept hard.

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my girlfriend used to smoke after sex

so we started using lube.

I used to date this cross-eyed chick

We didn't last. We did not see eye-to-eye.

It's OK though. She was seeing someone on the side anyway.

Her: Why do you use because all the time?

Me: I am a simple man. I use because because because is a conjunction.

5 Execution Methods Still Used In The Modern World

Number 1 will shock you

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If USA was a guy, make sure he ALWAYS uses protection

His pull out game doesn't seem strong

I used to be addicted to showering…

I got clean.

You know I always used to think that my girlfriend was just not funny.

That was until I realized that she told me jokes everyday! Like “I love you” or “I never cheated on you”

I just came up with this, this community can always use fresh/not reposted material.

I accidentally knocked over a headstone while walking through a cemetery.

I’ve made a grave mistake.

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What type of supplements do bodybuilding astronomers use?

Ass-steroids.

A man goes to Heaven and meets Jesus.

While Jesus is showing him round, he spots a broken clock. 
“What’s that there for?” he asks. 
Jesus says “that’s Mother Teresa’s clock it has never moved because she has never lied.”  
“Just over here is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. He lied twice, so it has moved twice.”  

“Where is Don...

What pronouns does a Chicagoan use to identify as non-binary?

Dey or dem

My elderly relatives used to say to me "you'll be next", during weddings.

They soon stopped though once I started doing the same to them at funerals

I get anxious whenever I have to use the default Microsoft web browser

Using Firefox helps take the *Edge* off.

Why don't Los Angeles drivers use their blinkers?

It gives too much information to the enemy.

You have three cups of coffee and 20 sugar cubes? How do you put an odd number of sugar cubes into each cup of coffee using all 20 sugar cubes.

1 cube in the first cup, 1 cube in the second, and 18 in the third because 18 is an odd number of sugar cubes to put in coffee.

I used to be a boxer.

I wasn't very good though. I knew it was time to retire when my trainer had handles sewn into my shorts to make it easier to carry me out of the ring.

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The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock Cit...

What do porpoises use to get high?

Seaweed.

When I was a child my mum always used to bathe me in cheap Australian beer.

It wasn't till I was 18 that I realized I'd been Fostered....

With all the NSFW jokes here lately, we could use a nice clean joke

A pharmaceutical salesman was staying at a bed and breakfast in a small town while on a business trip. The B&B was run by a kindly old gentleman and advertised three square "southern" meals a day and a relaxing country feel.

While the salesman was eating his breakfast, he noticed what app...

What did the Communist use before candles?

Electricity.

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What do Jewish rioters use to start fires?

Mazel tov cocktails

Why doen't Ganon use the Internet?

Too many Links

Used Vacuum cleaner for sale.

I don't need it anymore. All it does is collect dust.

Use "TOMATOES" to win a girl's heart?

I love you from my head TOMATOES.

What do you do with 365 used condoms?

Recycle them to make a tire and call it a Goodyear.

Finally...a good use for lawyers.

What happens when you throw a bunch of lawyers into the ocean?
Tsunami

I used to be a stalker

I’m not proud of it, but nowadays people are asking me for tips and tricks on stalking. So here it is:
In order to be a stalker, you need to do the following…

People used to say that you shouldn’t clean your ears with Q-tips

But I haven’t heard that for a while.

I used to work at an orange juice factory, but I got canned

I just couldn't concentrate.

My friend just told me he’s got these little lightsaber chopsticks he uses when he eats ramen.

I told him he should use the forks.

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Did you hear about the defense attorney that used to be a prostitute?

He helped a lot of people get off.

A joke my late grandad used to tell me

2 men, Mr. Kent and Mr. Olsen are on the roof of a 20 story building. Mr. Kent turns to Mr. Olsen and says "The great thing about this building is that they've rigged it to prevent suicides". Mr. Olsen asks how and Mr. Kent says "If anyone jumps off the roof, something in the building pulls you in t...

“My father always used to say, ‘What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.’

**Until that accident**

I used to know a Spanish magician...

He told me that he could disappear on the count of three.

Then he said *uno, dos.....*

and disappeared without a tres.

I used to fear the robot apocalypse

But now, after seeing how dangerous stupid people can be...

I'll take artificial intelligence over no intelligence any day.

A blonde pays $1,000,000 to use a stadium to prove blondes are smart.

She fills the stadium with 80,000 other blondes and calls one up to prove, on live TV, that blondes are smart. She starts simply with a math question.
“What’s twenty plus three?” She asks the young volunteer. The little blonde thinks and timidly whispers into the mic “nine?” Soon a chorus of 80,...

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Jane had developed a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied. Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing, got completely naked and laid down on...

I used to work at a hydroelectric plant.

It was the best dam job I ever had.

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A teacher asked a white student, a black student and a Mexican student to use the words "cheese" and "liver" in a sentence

The white kid answered, "My mom made liver and cheese for dinner".

The teacher said that was very good.

The black kid said, "I would never eat cheese on liver, that is gross."

The teacher said that was very good.

The Mexican kid says if some dude tried to step to my girl ...

In Communist China you don't use iMessage

You use WeChat

Courts still use the term "vehicular manslaughter". It's 2021; shouldn't we call it "vehicular human-slaughter"?

It's time for women to finally break through the glass windshield.

When I woke in the hospital, I was told they'd had to use a defibrillator on me.

It was quite a shock to the system.

Why orphan uses "ph" instead of "f"

Because F is for family

I used to be against organ transplants

But then I had a change of heart

I used to believe that sticks and stones could break my bones, but words could never hurt me.

But then I got smacked with a dictionary.

I don’t like to use painting softwares

Because it is Electronic Arts

Why do plants use photosynthesis?

So they can have a light snack

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer.

I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load maximization principle and carry all the items you need in one trip, thereby ...

I used to love tractors when I was a kid.

I had posters of them up on my walls, dozens of toy tractors I used to play with; I remember one year my parents surprised me for my birthday with a big cake in the shape of a tractor. They were an obsession.

As I grew older, I started to notice girls and put more thought into my studies, and...

Mean mommy joke my mom used to tell me

“Mommy mommy I’m tired of running in circles!”

“Shut up or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor!”

Why astronauts use Linux

Because you can't open windows in space

What do you use to make pickle bread?

Dill dough

What does a bee use to style its hair?

A honey comb.

There was a husband who used to leave his wife to go for long business trips frequently

The wife used to complain all the time because she missed him terribly and used to feel very lonely. So one day the husband returns from a trip with a puppy.

W: What shall we call him?

H: Great Reluctance

W: Why?

H: Because everytime I go, I leave you with Great Reluctanc...

My drug-selling friend got in a car crash and lost an arm, so now he only has use of one hand.

He's slowly dealing with it.

What fighting style does an amputee use?

Partial arts

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The Woman and the Farmer

A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just ordered champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'...
This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrat...

As a little kid, I was unusually confident. I even used to call my first grade teacher "Sweetheart!"

He hated it.

I asked my Granddaughter to give me the newspaper. She said that newspapers are so out of date, and that people now use tablets, so she handed me her iPad.

That Fly didn't stand a chance.

*Teacher to Student* T: "Use the word 'centimeter' in a sentence"

S: ‟My grandma was arriving at the train station so i was centimeter”

T: ‟No, no, that‘s ‘Sent to meet her‘. Okay, try another one. Use ‘contagious‘ in a sentence please”

S: ‟I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!”

The Feds have just raided a tennis club used as a front for a large Mafia organisation.

No doubt they'll be charged with racquet-eering.

I used to smoke marijuana everyday but recently I had to quit and take a break because my friends we're telling me that I was getting WAY too paranoid.

Well, I mean, they weren't telling me, but I Know they were thinking it.

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I used to sell vacuum cleaners door to door and do demonstrations by appointment. Seriously I did.

I had an appointment to demonstrate a machine at a home in a rural area. The house looked rough and as I walked to the door carrying all my demonstration equipment, a big mangy dog with a matted eye crowded me and followed me to the house.

I rang the bell and the lady let me in and the stupi...

They used to be called 'jumpolines'...

...until your mom jumped on one

Will glass coffins ever be used?

Remains to be seen...

You should never need to use Plan B if you just stick to Plan A.

Anal

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

Luke Skywalker and Obi Wan are out at a Chinese restaurant and Luke is really battling trying to use the chopsticks to feed his face. After a while Obi Wan turns to him and says

"use the forks luke"

My brother used to constantly ask me what was in the box

Like god dammit,we were at a funeral and i felt so akward

My doctor used to work as a server

Every time a patient leaves, he said "Thanks, come again! Actually, nevermind."

Teacher asked the students to tell the most common word used by students in a classroom.

Suddenly a student got up and said “Can’t Sir”!
Brilliant! You are right, the teacher said!

"Mansplain" is a terrible word to use

because it has more letters than explain and is therefore more difficult for women to understand.

Teacher: You shouldn't use a word to define itself because circular definitions are not useful.

Student: Why is there a giant poster on your wall that says "No Means No"?

I used to make a living by circumcising elephants

The pays were lousy but the tips were huge!

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A 75 year old used to put his fake teeth in a jar of water before sleeping

He used to do this every night. One day he felt thirsty and accidentally drank the water which he put his dentures. The next day, he had severe stomach pain and went to the doctor.

The doctor examined him thoroughly, wiped his brow of sweat visibly shaking and said - “In all my years being a...

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A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast.

I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress hi...

Host: Which string instruments are commonly used in Latin music?

Guest: Violins?

Host: "Violins" is not the answer.

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

A little boy wakes up one night and realizes he needs to use the bathroom.

He runs downstairs to the living room, where his mother is having a party with her friends.

"I gotta pee!" yells the little boy. "I gotta pee!"

The mother takes her son to the bathroom. "Son," she says, "we do not yell the word 'pee' when grown-ups are around. Next time, just whisper, ...

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English is my first language (50+ years) and I still get confused on how to use some words. For example:

Is it *buttcheeks* or *butt cheeks?*

Are they together or spread apart?

I asked my uncle what he used to do when he got bored at my age. Never got an answer...

From him or his 24 kids.

What do you call a droid that uses the toilet

R2-peepoo

Why does Peter Pan fly everywhere instead of using airplanes or helicopters?

Cause when he used airplanes and helicopters, he could "Neverland".

Neil Armstrong used to enjoy telling unfunny jokes about the moon.



When nobody laughed he paused and said, "I guess you had to be there."

When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room and I used to clean his.

We were maid for each other.

Life hacks from Secretary Stalin, don’t dress for the job you want. Use the job you have to create a totalitarian dictatorship to crush your enemies.

*this joke exists because I found out Stalin’s title during his reign was Secretary. During the power struggles his opponents wanted to give him a menial job to side line him. But he realized he controlled who got invitations to meeting, what was on the agenda, and when they should happen. Leading t...

I used to work at a deli…

But I quit slicing cold turkey.

I used to work the front desk at this small car repair shop.

It was owned by a couple of guys, Jack and Jay. Both guys were really well known and liked around town but Jack never seemed to come into the shop.

People would come in frequently looking for Jack and I would tell them “Jays here but Jacks off all day.”

A corporal needed to use the pay phone but didn't have change.

He saw a private mopping the floor nearby and asked, "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" The private replied, "Sure, hang on." The corporal gave him an icy stare and yelled, "That's no way to address your superior! Straighten up and let's try that again! Private, do you have change for a dol...

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

TIL there's one country that still doesn't use ANY form of electronic money transfer.

It's the Cheque Republic

“Hey, remember how we used to finish each other’s sentences when we were younger?”

“Well I’m in prison now and I really need a favour”

Why won't a pimp let his hookers use gas station bathrooms?

Because of the "no merchandise beyond this point" sign.

I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, but my roommate used the paper to roll up his joint.

Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to see again.

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife

Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the phamacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please list...

A gorgeous young redhead on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"...

What common item from a hardware store can be used to fasten a duck to a fence?

Duct ta......nope, a nail gun.

I used to be young and stupid.

But now I got older.

I used to live in an apartment with three young women . . .

. . . until they found me.

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A man downloaded a calculator app, but needed to pay extra to unlock the plus button

He had to pay in order to use additional features

A Soviet citizen is buying a car

He finally saved up enough rubles, went to the agency, and paid for a car.

He is told, "Come back on August 8th, 1983 to pick up your new car"

"But that's eight years from now."

"Yes, isn't it wonderful? The wait used to be ten years."

"Okay, fine. August 8th, 1983. Morni...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guys, I used to date a stripper, and let me tell you something...

this lady could get the paint off your walls in no time

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Choose a new password :

Choose a new password :

potato

Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.

boiled potato

Sorry, password must contain at least one number.

1 boiled potato

Sorry, password cannot contain spaces

50fuckingboiledpotatoes

Sorry, password mu...

I used to work with a Vampire

He was a real pain in the neck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Camel in the Camp

There was a major that got newly stationed in a base in the middle east. As he inspecting the base, he saw a camel tied to a post. Confused, he calls the nearest private.

"Private Doe!"
"Sir! Yes, sir?"
"What is this camel doing here at our base?" Asks the Major
"Sir, the camel is he...

What does Popeye use as a lubricant?

Olive Oyl.

Always use a proper deck of cards

A little while ago some friends and I wanted to play poker but only had a set of tarot cards.

I got a full house and 3 people died...

Some people say you should use condoms instead of getting a vasectomy,

but I think there's a vast difference.

Did you know you can turn a canoe over and use it as a hat?

Because it's Cap-sized.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Teacher asks her students to name medicines they know and state their uses.

Little Susan stands and says, "PANADOL"

Teacher: Used for?

Susan: I think headache

Teacher: Good

Musa: PIRITON

Teacher: used for?

Musa: Helps in sleeping..

Teacher: Excellent!!

Little Johnny (stands confidently): VIAGRA

Teacher (nearly f...

I used to work as an insecurity guard.

But I don't think I was very good at it.

I used a time machine to travel back in time to Mount Rushmore before it was carved.

Its natural beauty was unpresidented.

I'm sure everybody knows what brand of tires Van Gogh used.

Good Ear, of course.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is at home and hears someone knocking at her door

She goes to the door, opens it and sees a man standing there.
He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it's the same man and he asks the same question to the woman "Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door ag...

I used to live paycheck to paycheck

But now I can happily say that after years of hard work and perseverance; I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

My granddad always used to say, “As one door closes another one opens."

Lovely man.

Terrible cabinet maker.

What font does alphabet soup use?

Times New Ramen.



*Credit for this goes to Kim Komando. I heard it on the radio earlier today.*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

She swore to me she used an enema before we had anal sex

turns out she was full of shit.



(apologies if a similar joke has been done before)

Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.

They're definitely plotting something.

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