15% of women admit to having used vibrators.

The other 85% said they bought them new.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pregnant Girlfriend Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms every time we have sex. Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke? Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died.

Guy...

If slow old men use walking sticks, what do fast old men use ?

Hurry canes.

Can we ban the “yo momma” jokes from this sub? They’re old, stupid and have been used by everyone hundreds of times.

Just like yo momma.

A vampire decided to use his immortality to research the best career

He tried every type of job there was, from innovation to construction to civil service, and he landed on the job of mirror cleaner.

In his book on the subject, he said that the tai chi like motions of the arms were very relaxing, and the mirror will certainly get dirty again leading to job s...

I used to tell a lot of jokes about airplane crashes...

...but they never landed well.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was younger, I used to shave my privates with a cut throat razor.

I don’t have the balls to do it anymore

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba,


I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the lot for me.


Love Dad.
\~\~\...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When my upstairs neighbor uses the toilet

It's some next level shit

The kid that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the other hand, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

A kindergartner asks to use the bathroom

Teacher: “sing the ABC’s, then I’ll let you go”

Kindergartner: “A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z”

Teacher: “Where’s the P?”

Kindergartner: “It’s running down my pants!”

My grandfather always use to say,

“As one door closes another opens.”

Lovely man.

Terrible cabinet maker.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do elephants use as tampons?

Sheep.

Why do elephants have trunks?

Sheep don't have strings.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Made some Indian food for dinner the other night. While telling my wife what was in it, I said I'd used butter in one part, but wished I'd had some ghee instead. She looked at me quizzically, and I continued "Because it's more traditionally Indian."

"Ah," she replied. "Thanks for clarifying."

 

Note: this actually happened! She's a gem and I'm keeping her.

Why do you never use a cannon in hot weather?

It shoots itself at 90 degrees

It’s disgusting. They used to make COCA-Cola with REAL Cocaine! So you can probably guess what they used to make shamPOO with!

Yep, child labour.

When buying crows for commercial use, always buy them in groups...

That way, you’re guaranteed to make a killing.

Can anyone show me how to use WD-40?

I'm a bit rusty.

My brother and I used to fight in the pool until the day our mom told us to divide it in half and stay on our side.

I picked the top half.

When I was just a little kid, I used to pray for a bicycle. Then as I grew older I learned in Sunday school, that's not how prayer works.

So I stole a bike...and prayed for forgiveness.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Proper use of capital letters

It's the difference between helping grandpa jack off a horse and helping grandpa Jack off a horse.

Why can't you use beef stew as a password?

Because it's not stroganoff

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My uncle used to work in a butcher shop. He got fired for putting his dick in the sausage maker...

...to be fair, she got fired too. But then they got married and had a couple kids, so it all worked out.

I used to like Mitch Hedberg

I still do, but I used to too.

What website does Teal'c use to find a new job?

Indeed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what do people from Alabama use for porn?

OnlyFam

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

Why did the man use π for a pain scale from 1-10?

Because it was low level, but never ending!

I used to make jokes at work during meetings, and I could really get people laughing. Then COVID hit, and all our meetings were online. I'd still make jokes, but no one would laugh...

Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted. It turns out, they didn't find me remotely funny.

What do you call a sword only used by women?

A broadsword.

My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments.

**She had a history of violins.**

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighborhood tavern every night…

Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that screen door would kick open and if you looked closely you’d see that crazy little mouse. He’d sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big shit-eating grin. High fives with the bartender. “Gimme a beer, Sam!” “Sur...

I used to run an origami company….

But it folded.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm sorry I used your soap to masturbate.

I just had to come clean.

You’ve heard of “click it or ticket”, a slogan telling drivers to use a seatbelt or they will get fined...

Now get ready for the new slogan of 2020: “Mask it or Casket”!

Don't you hate it when you need to pay to use the bathroom?

I'll take my business elsewhere.

I found a used football in a second hand store...

I picked it up and took it to the counter.

"How much is this?" I asked

"That'll be $5" said the owner. "Would you like me to pump it up for you?"

"Of course, thanks a lot!" I replied.

So, he got a small pump from under the counter and in a few seconds the ball was as good...

What sort of pasta do you use if you want to fix a musical theatre award?

Rigatoni

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last week, after a one night stand with a woman, she had the gall to get up and use my toothbrush without even asking first. I told her, "That's disgusting!" She replied, "Well, we just had sex, so what's the big difference?"

I answered, "The difference is, I was gonna use the toothbrush again."

I used to not like cancer humor

But it's grown on me.

What kind of soap can also be used to keep away men?

Deter gents

I used to date a girl who was a fan of “Lion king” like me.

Whenever we made out, she used to say Sukona ma tatas.

I always corrected her saying that it’s Hakuna matata.

I just realized that I am an idiot.

New Zealand scientists have discovered two new uses for sheep

Meat and wool.

James Bond walks into a bar

He looks around, and takes a seat neat to a very attractive women.

He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The women notices this and asks, "*Is your date running late?*"

"*No*", he replies, "*Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

George and Ted are showering after a workout when George notices that Ted's penis is about nine inches long.

"You were lucky to be blessed with such a huge penis!" says George.

"I wasn't blessed," replies Ted. "I had to work for it. I did it by masturbating once every day for two years, using butter as a lubricant. I know it sounds crazy, but this thing used to be only five inches long!"

"Tha...

For sale, barely used DeLorean

Only driven from time to time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good....

I used to work doing Colonoscopies when I got home I would tell my wife

Another tough day at the orifice.

It's my cake day and I don't know any new jokes so. Here are some old jokes I use to love as a kid

1. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
Answer = A stick.

2. What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Answer = Thunderwear.

3. Two pickles fell out of a jar onto the floor. What did one say to the other?
Answer = Dill with it.

4. What time is it when the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don’t use Viagra if you’re also taking an iron supplement.

You'll spend several hours facing north.

What printers do they use on board the Enterprise?

Hewlett Pickards

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple are about to have sex, when the man reaches for some lube...

Opening a new bottle, he notices the protective tape on the cap has already been torn off, suggesting the bottle may have tampered with.

That's weird, he thinks to himself.

"Do not use if seal is missing" it reads on the bottle.

The man thinks for a second, but not wanting to ru...

Why do many Buddhists don't like to use email?

Because they don't like attachments.

What do you call couples who use the rhythm method for birth control?

Parents.

Why are photographers less skilled than they used to be?

They're not developing.

Did you hear about the cannibal who used a group of businessmen to make a batch of chili?

I guess he wanted seasoned professionals.

Which mathematical phenomenon only uses imaginary numbers?

The Fib-Bonacci Sequence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler used an astrologist to give him guidance in battle...

One day he told the man, "you've served me well. We are winning battles and the war and I'm very pleased with your work. Your ability to predict the future is amazing. But there's one thing I wondered about and wanted to ask you."

How can I serve you mein Fuhrer?

"Do you know what day ...

What kind of equipment did the the pirate's photographers use?

Cannons

I'm writing a book to help surgeons to use Eastern meditation to overcome anxiety in the operating theatre...

I'm going to call it *The Calmer Suture.*

Me and my wife recently started using Only Fans.

Because our air conditioner broke.

And this will definitely help pay for a new air conditioner.

Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand, just so that I can appear more

Photosynthesis

What did the cook say when trying to use a dull knife?

This isn't cutting it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it.

Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.
The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"
"That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Remember when McDonalds used to serve cheap, crappy food? I went in for the first time in years and I was surprised how much it had changed.

It’s actually quite expensive now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why can't you use the Daily Mail as toilet paper?

Because it's already covered in shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do so many people use baby chickens as Therapists?

Because everything they say is cheap

What ever you do, don't use 'beef stew' as your computer password.

Apparently its not stroganoff...

My stoner friend used my daily planner to roll up a joint

He’s now high on my list of priorities.

Why isn't Holy Water used in vaccines ?

Because, you can't take the Lords name in vein.

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then ...

Daughter: mom I'm going to a sleepover at jack's

Mom: use protection

Daughter: mom I'm 15

Mom: and I'm 30

I can tell you use skincare cream.

It's Retinol over your face.

I was browsing in a bookstore and found an English book about unexpected uses for a pry bar.

50 Ways to Love Your Lever.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's better to use butter when creating a recipe

That way you have more margarine for error

I'll never use that dictionary again...

The definition it gave for "obfuscate" was confusing and misleading.

A Nun walks into Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Making pizza is a lot like having sex...

If you’re going to use barbecue sauce, you better know what you’re doing.

What does a wizard use to cook their food?

Cast iron!

I used to rip off famous comedians' jokes to post on Reddit for easy karma.

I still do, but I used to, too.

Wife: I have a bag full of used cloths I'd like to donate.

Husband: Why not just throw it in trash? That's much easier.

Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes.

Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your cloths is not starving.

I used to work as a Programmer for autocorrect...

But they fried me for no raisin!

A man walks into a brain store to buy a new brain

He goes to the clerk and says

"Hello, I'd like to purchase a new brain".

The clerk replies with "Sure, here are some of our brains we have on sale"
"Here's the brain of a physicist, 5 dollars."

"Here's our second deal for today. The brain of an anti-vaxxer, 10,000 dollar...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

little Johny is Back

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my grandpa's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinat...

What did the bully use when he experimented with the dark arts?

A Wedgie Board.

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath,

"Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

I used to review strip clips. I know it sounds like an easy job

but I worked hard.

We used to call our Grandad 'Spiderman', not because of his agility or that he was a superhero...

It's because he couldn't get out the bath by himself.

My teacher used to always keep us in check by saying "What goes up must come down"

Great guy, bad flight instructor

If someone takes their watch off their arm and interlocks it with enough other watches to use it as a belt, what do you call it?

A waist of time.

What do you call an Engineer who doesn’t know how to use a calculator?

A project manager.

My old man always used to like us kids like he used to like his coffee

grounded

I use BMW to go to work

Bus

Metro

Walk

Why does the navy use powdered soap?

Because it takes longer to pick up. ;)

Not sure why people are getting grief for using ivermectin to combat covid

The label clearly states it is safe for use in donkeys and jackassess.

What weapon does a Catholic ninja use?

Nunchucks.

What deodorant does Paul Maud'dib use?

...Old Spice

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The maid told her mistress :"I think I deserve a raise"

Mistress : Give me reasons why you need a raise?"

Maid "I cook better than you"

Mistress :" Who told that?"

Maid " Your husband did."

Mistress "Hmmm"

Maid "I clean the house better than you"

Mistress :" Who told that?"

Maid " Your husband did."
...

I used to work at a coal mine

But I left because the bars didn't allow miners

Why can’t republicans use hand sanitizer?

Because the directions say to apply liberally

I used to use a Halloween themed dating app

I left because I kept getting ghosted.

A man goes to Heaven and meets Jesus.

Upon arriving at the pearly gates, Jesus said, "Come on in. I'll show you around. I really think you'll like it here."

Walking through the gates, the man noticed that there were clocks everywhere. It appeared that Heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.

Surprised at how H...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

do NOT use shampoo as lube

It will completely fuck with your car

How to use Astrology to know about your relationship future:

If she starts to speak about your sign: run!

If she starts to speak about your sign and ascendent: run like hell, and never come back!

Which laptops do Taliban use?

infiDELL

People who use Selfie Sticks.....

Really need to take a good long look at themselves!

I hate when i have too use the toilet really bad and i have to use the public toilets.

Like i don't want a reminder that i seriously need to clean my house.

Shakespeare never actually used a quill to write his work, he used a pen because

It could write in i-am-bic pen-tameter

I used to know a joke about decapitation...

I wish I could remember it...

I guess I just lost my head.

When we were kids, we used to be afraid of the dark.

>!But when we grew up, the electricity bill made us afraid of the light! !<

Which hand do you use to cut your steak?

Neither, you use a knife.

I started a 100 subject survey on what shampoo women use...

Only got to the 3rd shower before the police arrested me unfortunately

I used to hate cancer.

But recently, it's been growing on me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a teacher, one of the things I used to dread most was seeing one of my students out in public. So imagine my surprise when I saw 18 year old Kristen out one Saturday night in a 21 and over establishment. She saw me at the same time, came over and loudly asked, "What the heck are YOU doing here?!"

I said, "Well, I'm a functioning alcoholic, it's Saturday night, and I am 32 years old. So I really think the better question here is... how much are the lap dances?"

A young doctor had moved to a small town to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds so that the community would become used to their new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, “I've been a little sick to my stomach.”


The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fre...

Would you remarry?

Out of the blue, a woman asked her husband, "if I die, will you remarry?"

"You're not gonna die."

"But what if I do? Everybody dies eventually. Answer the question."

"Well, in theory, I suppose I could get married again, yes."

The woman gasps in disbelief. "Well! Who woul...

I only use one pronoun set.

You/people don't seem to appreciate it

What do you call a dog who uses magic?

A Labracadabrador

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandad used to say: "There is always room at the top."

Great guy.

Terrible at hiding Jews, though.

I used to share a flat with 3 beautiful women.

Until they found out...

I read somewhere we only use 10% of our brains

I read some where we only use 10% of our brains

I wonder what the other half is used for ??

Why do you prefer peeing normally, versus having a nurse use a catheter?

Urine control.

I used to date a girl who had one leg and worked at a brewery...

She was in charge of the hops...

You have three cups of coffee and 20 sugar cubes? How do you put an odd number of sugar cubes into each cup of coffee using all 20 sugar cubes.

1 cube in the first cup, 1 cube in the second, and 18 in the third because 18 is an odd number of sugar cubes to put in coffee.

A blonde pays $1,000,000 to use a stadium to prove blondes are smart.

She fills the stadium with 80,000 other blondes and calls one up to prove, on live TV, that blondes are smart. She starts simply with a math question.
“What’s twenty plus three?” She asks the young volunteer. The little blonde thinks and timidly whispers into the mic “nine?” Soon a chorus of 80,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to work as a penis inspector

The pay wasn't good but the tips were great!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every guy tells you they have an 8 inch Dick. It makes sense when you realize the formula they use to calculate it.

8==D

I don't remember if I used my pizza hut and Grindr app.

All I know is that I got a 10 inch meat lover coming my way.

Teacher: Jimmy, can you please use the word “horticulture” in a sentence?

Teacher: Jimmy, can you please use the world “horticulture” in a sentence?
Jimmy: Sure. You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think.

I just found out my favorite arcade game used Christian music from the 1800s Finland in the background.

Yeah. Mortal Kombat used Finnish Hymns

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. Th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher walks up to the blackboard and writes DEFINITELY

She turns to the class and says, "Today we'll be looking at the word 'definitely'. Definitely is when something is assured and there is no chance of doubt. Now, I want some volunteers to use definitely in a statement."

Little Suzy raises her hand and says, "I am definitely going to the park a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There’s a gorilla in my tree

A man comes home from work to discover that there is a gorilla in the tree in his backyard. Never having seen this before, he calls a friend to ask for advice. “Don’t worry about it,” his friend says. “I’ve got a guy who can take care of it for you. I’ll send him right over.

Fifteen minutes l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I first started using reddit, I had problems creating a new account

I tried to use "penis" as my password but they said it was too short.

What does a frog use to conceal itself?

A croaking device.

A woman is badly burned in a car accident and requires a skin graft on her face.

Because of her injuries the doctors are unable to take skin from any part of her body, so they must rely on a donor. Her husband of 25 years volunteers and the operation goes ahead. Whilst deciding which bit of his skin to use he mentions he has a smooth bottom and perhaps that would be the best pla...

What kind of salad dressing does a sneaky burglar use?

Hidden Alley Ranch.

I tried to use a public restroom today, but there was a waiting line

There was a bathroom stall for the bathroom stall

The Chess Grand Master was embarrassed when they found out he used to play a much simpler game…

…that’s right, he had a “checkered past.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Use The Camel

Having joined the French Foreign Legion, Pierre focused on becoming the best soldier he could. Day in, day out he trained; long marches with full pack, hand to hand combat, shooting range etc... but even all this activity couldn't take away the yearning he had, after all he was a young viral man. T...

I Used to Miss My Wife

Then my aim improved.

*Teacher to Student* T: "Use the word 'centimeter' in a sentence"

S: ‟My grandma was arriving at the train station so i was centimeter”

T: ‟No, no, that‘s ‘Sent to meet her‘. Okay, try another one. Use ‘contagious‘ in a sentence please”

S: ‟I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!”

TIL that MR T used to wrap victims in flat bread to torture them

He liked to pita the fools

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

my girlfriend used to smoke after sex

so we started using lube.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once dated a German girl that used to give me marks out of ten for sex...

she particularly liked anal, every time I put it in she screamed nein! nein! nein!

I get anxious whenever I have to use the default Microsoft web browser

Using Firefox helps take the *Edge* off.

I used to eat a lot of cold cuts, but I recently stopped.

I quit cold turkey.

My parents always used to criticize me for never finishing anything.

Joke’s on them, though, because now I’m 300 years old because I refuse to finish life. And another thing,

I used "MyDick" as a password and got this error:

"Try something longer"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you kill a blue Elephant?

With a blue elephant gun obviously.

*How do you kill a red elephant?*

You choke it til it turns blue then use a blue elephant gun.

*How do you kill a green elephant?*

You tickle it til it turns red then choke it til it turns blue then use a blue elephant gun.

*How ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Italian wants a job [read in an accent]

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

'W...

Used Vacuum cleaner for sale.

I don't need it anymore. All it does is collect dust.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the li...

My friend let's everyone use his Amazon account for free shipping

We call him the Prime Minister

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.