*Teacher to Student* T: "Use the word 'centimeter' in a sentence"

S: ‟My grandma was arriving at the train station so i was centimeter”

T: ‟No, no, that‘s ‘Sent to meet her‘. Okay, try another one. Use ‘contagious‘ in a sentence please”

S: ‟I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!”

Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I"

Bobby: I is...

Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".

Bobby: I am the 9th letter of the alphabet.

My granddad always used to say, “As one door closes another one opens.”

Lovely man.

Terrible cabinet maker.

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Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking marijuana and appeared in court. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, I'd like to give you a second chance. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew a little circle in a big circle and told them the big circle is your...

I don't see why some people use fractions instead of decimals

It's pointless, but anyway you gotta draw the line somewhere or else people will think you're being irrational. But that's beside the point

I used to get angry every time I see someone say “Trump 2020”.

If only I knew it was an expiration date.

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A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely.” To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.

The first student raises his hand and says, “The sky is definitely blue.”

The teacher says, “Well, that isn’t entirely correct, because sometimes it’s gray and cloudy.”

Another student says, “Grass is definitely green.”
The teacher again replies, “If grass doesn’t get enough wate...

I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly didn’t stand a chance.

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This is a joke my dad always used to tell. Hope no one has heard it before

The Red Baron, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend for picnic by the river Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. The girlfriend leans over to The Red Baron and says, "Baron kiss me!" The Red Baron grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on his girlfriends Lips. "What ar...

In Canada, they use “B.C.E.” instead of “B.C”

It stands for Before Christ, Eh?

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What do you call couples who use pull out as a means of birth control?

Parents

My grandad used to say "If it wasn't for me, you'd all be speaking German right now"

Lovely man, terribly bad foreign language teacher. No idea why the school hired him.

Why does Santa use elves?

the south lost

Why can't athiests use exponents?

Because they don't believe in a higher power.

When I was small my parents used to bath me in cheap Australian lager

It wasn't until I was 18 I realised I had been Fostered

Why do people on the iss use linux

You can't open windows in space

My mom always used the "here comes the train~" trick to get me to finish my food and it was very effective...

because otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the tracks.

Why does joe Biden use a Mac?

Because apparently he doesn’t want you to have windows.

Did Jesus use cash or credit to pay for our sins?

No he used praypal

A teacher asks her students to use the word harassment in a sentence

One of the student raises his hand and says: “My big brother is really depressed nowadays”

The teacher asks: “why”?

The kid goes: “he broke up with his girlfriend”

So the teacher asks the student “and how is this relevant?”

He says: Harassment a lot to him

I found a book today that's all about selling your personal data for nefarious use

Facebook

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

If you don't like vinegar, but you use it anyway...

You'll have...... vinaigrette.

What’s Mario’s favorite search engine to use?

Yahoo!

Two students, James and John were given a grammar test by their teacher. The question was,"is it better to use 'had' or 'had had' in this example sentence?"

The teacher collected the tests and looked over their answers.

James, while John had had 'had',had had 'had had'. 'Had had' had had a better effect on the teacher.

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and i was really good at it.

If no one was home, i would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

Had to get castrated today for birth control reasons. I paid so much and they didn't even use scissors.

It was a rip-off.

You might be able to use a smuggled cell phone in prison.

You just have to have cell coverage.

Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

Hispanic Attacks

Never use phrases from another language

unless what you’re trying to say requires a certain *je ne sais quoi.*

What kind of key does a ghost use?

a spoo-key

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I used to have a masturbation problem.....

but I beat it

Cardi B’s sister used to spy for the Russian government, but refuses to talk about it publicly

They call her ‘Cagey B’

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An elderly couple in a senior's home used to visit the recreation room everyday. While there, the old lady would sit quite contently holding the old guys's penis. One day she goes down to the rec. room and is mortified to find her man with another woman holding his penis.

"What's she got that I don't have" she says. He looks up with a large smile on his face and replies "Parkinson's"

My grandpa used to sprinkle a tablespoon of gunpowder on his eggs every morning.

Said it gave him energy through the day. When he died at the ripe old age of 96, he left behind a grieving wife, 6 children, 14 grandchildren, 3 great grandchildren and a 25 foot hole in the side of the crematorium.

What kind of light does an Australian use to shave?

Rise Up Lights

(Say it out loud)

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

They used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a comedian.

Well they're not laughing nw!

What do you call a Sasquatch who uses the Force?

A yedi

What did dinosaurs prefer to use to pay for their purchases?

Obviously tyrannosaurus cheques.

Use the word dandelion in a sentence

The cheetah is faster dandelion

What did Zeus use to make the best fries ever?

Ancient Greece

i have a triangular-shaped pebble i use to strum my guitar

It's for rock music.

‌‌I use‌‌d t‌‌o thin‌‌k al‌‌l blac‌‌k peopl‌‌e ha‌‌d boomboxes.

Turne‌‌d ou‌‌t i‌‌t wa‌‌s jus‌‌t ‌‌a stere‌‌o type.

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The best safe word to use during sex is “meatloaf”

Because it means, “I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that”

Did you know Sean Connery used to save the egg shells from pancake day and paint them to use for egg hunts at Easter?

It was an egg shell lent idea

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, Ma'am", he ...

Bath night

A couple take in a beautiful young lady as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.......

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said...

What does a spider use to make videos?

A webcam.

As a kid my dad used to always hit me with a camera

I still have flashbacks

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My grandparents used to have sex once a week, on a Sunday, in time to the nearby church bells

My grandad would still be alive if it wasn't for that damn ice cream van

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There was an American man who lived in Thailand and when he was there he had a lot of sex and never used a condom the entire time.

Then he returned to America and one morning he woke up and noticed bright green and purple dots on his penis

Freaked out, he went to the doctor. The doctor said "I have never seen anything like this before. We will need to run some tests." So they ran some tests and he said come back in 3 day...

What can you always assume when buying a used BMW?

The turn signal will always be in brand-new condition.

My family was arguing about what color lights to string on the Christmas Tree, but I think we should really use UV lights this year.

Because black lights matter

I used to be good at operating a boomerang.

It was difficult to re-learn a childhood hobby...

*but then it came back*

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What do you use if you want a thicc and muscular butt in space?

Asteroids

Why do babies want to use the internet?

So they can Google Gaga.

what does Stalin use to wipe his mouth?

A Soviette

A teacher asks her class to use the word Contagious in a sentence...

Harry says: 'At the End of WW1 there was the spanish flu & it was very contagious'

'That's right', said the teacher



Jessica stands up & says: 'In Europe during the middle ages there was the bubonic plague & it was highly contagious'


'Well Done' notes th...

What measuring system would darth Vader use?

The imperial system.

Superglue can also be used for cleaning

your computer keyboarddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

Marvel should use the Hulk in more of its advertising.

He's literally a giant Banner.

What do they use at Hogwarts to read PDFs?

A-Dobby.

I used to work at a steakhouse, one of my duties is to make sure that the G on the neon Angus sign outside doesn't go out.

They call me the G-spotter.

Did you hear Wyoming has a new use for sheep?

Wool

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Before we got married, my wife used to smoke after sex. She said she'd stop once we got married.

She didn't lie.

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

The sentence I have used the most this year is :

Do you see my screen now?

Why should the government never use protestors in circuits?

They have too much resistance.

In catholic school they use biblical stories to teach about STDs

That’s how they explain the burning bush.

I couldn't decide whether to use a chair or step stool to reach the top shelf...

I went with the ladder.

When I was a kid I used to admire educated people, but now I realized well mannered people are better than educated ones...

Little did I know you have to lack both to become president of the United States

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TIL that McDonald's and police use the same training material.

It's a 5 step de-escalation procedure. You know, a kind that some corporate HR would come up. Ones with corny, forced acronyms. But this one actually works pretty well:

1. Believe
2. Listen
3. Apologize
4. Satisfy
5. Thank the customer

So when a customer gets all pissy abou...

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

What is it called when a person pretends to use the toilet.

A sham poo.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what criteria were used to define a patient who is to be institutionalised.

'Well', said the Director. 'We fill up a bathtub and offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient to empty the bathtub.
'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. A normal person would choose the bucket.
'No,' answered the Director. 'A normal person would pull the plug.'
So what did y...

What did Yoda use to become a baby again?

A manDeLorean.

What weapon does a Russian King use?

A Morning Tsar

What did communists use before candles?

Electricity

I hate when people use "big words" they don't even know the meaning, in order to look samrt.

For me, they are completely photosynthetic.

In college, I used to live on a houseboat, and started dating the girl next door.

Eventually we drifted apart.

I used to think that cardiac transplant surgery wasn't for me

But then I had a change of heart

In the 80's we used to think in 2020 we'll have flying cars cities on other planets, blah blah blah....

But No! Here we are, teaching people how to wash hands !!!

"The word of the day is 'contagious'" Said the teacher, "Who can use it in a sentence?"

Little Jenny stood up and said "My dad has a cold and said its contagious"

The teacher praised Jenny and ask for an example from another student.

Billy stood up and said "Miss, my mum has the flu, and I think its contagious"

Happy with Billy's response, the teacher asked for on...

I always used to go to the gym with my ex

Oh how she loved riding stationary bikes together...

We broke up because we couldn’t see ourselves getting anywhere.

Apparently you can’t use “ beefstew” as a password.

It’s not stroganoff.

When I was a kid I used to pray for a bike daily.

When I grow up, I realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness?

What phone service does the Empire use?

AT-AT

I misplaced my pizza cutter, so I used my Bryan Adams CD

It cuts like a knife

Where does Thor go to use the restroom?

Bowelhalla.

I have something I'm finally ready to share with the world: I used to have a third nipple until I accidentally cut it off shaving last year.

I'm glad I finally got that off my chest.

Which Stevie Wonder song is known for its use of jazz Chords?

I Jazz Chord To Say I Love You..

I always carry a stone with me that I use to throw at people who play Christmas music in October.

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

A 70-year-old woman chose to remain overnight in a costly hotel as a treat for her birthday.

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

...

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One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
...

I used to be addicted to Soap

But now I'm clean.

I used to worry about the ice cubes I’d kick into the abyss under the refrigerator.

But I figure, what the hell.

It’s old water under the fridge.

Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap

He was high on my list of priorities

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A rapist and conman get caught by the sheriff in a small town. The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners, so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can...

The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople.

The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them to posts and sets up shop.

He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime, so anyone can pay $1 ...

I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, but my roommate used it to roll up his joint.

Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to see again.

What material should you avoid using because it will make clothing too light?

fiber optics

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A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters g...

Do painters uses a lot of primer?

Well, I gesso.

I ordered some stuff online yesterday and I used my Donor Card instead of my Debit Card.

Cost me an arm and a leg.

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Jack & Jill

Jack and Jill have grown up. They've graduated from uni, gotten married and got a job at the same firm.
One day, while going through the books and after much deliberation, their boss decides he must lay off one employee. Jack and Jill are the most recent hires, so it must be one of them. The prob...

"Can I use your WiFi?"

An American guy visits a friend in Scotland.

When he arrives at his friend's house, he asks "Can I use your WiFi?".

The friend looks a bit perplexed, but then he smiles and says "Sure ye can, she's up th' stairs."

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Two young boys walked into a drug store, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight" the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him... He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use the...

As a slice of stale bread, I used to hate mold.

But it's growing on me.

What do the French use as slang for marijuana?

“Oui-d”

I used to have an imaginary friend.

Then I quit going to church.

No matter what statistics partisan hacks use to back up their lies today, just remember that mathematics....

...is the true source of division.

Plastic surgery used to be a taboo subject

Now if you mention Botox, no one even raises an eyebrow

I used to have a legless dog named cigarette

Every morning I would take him out for a drag

What does the gynecologist use on her patients on Halloween? [NSFW]

She uses a **SPOOK**ulum!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to use mypenis as a password.

It was too short.

My grandfather used to say " never bring a knife to a gunfight"!!

He was right. The paintball arena banned me for life.

Why don’t Geordie tradesmen use spirit levels?

Because they prefer level things by eye man

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought a used universal remote at a flea market

The volume down button was broken but it only cost a nickel.... I couldn't turn it down.

After Oregon decriminalized the use of hard drugs, I wanted to do a playword on the matter...

But then I thought it was maybe too soon to crack jokes.

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell..

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don’t belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: ‟I’ll strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I’ll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield”.

The American goes first. He buil...

I used to sell cookware, but that didn't pan out.

So I've switched to selling underwear for a brief time.

What is the most commonly used computer programming language?

Profanity.

My Papa was a World War 2 Navy veteran and he use to boast about how he saved 300+ sailors from dying from an excruciating death

He shot the cook

What drug do French people use to get high?

Oui’d

What material did Mario use to make his Halloween costume?

Denim denim denim

Whenever I was at a wedding my grandma always used to say "Your next!"

She wasn't happy when I said the same thing at her friend's funeral

We used to have empires run by emperors and kingdoms run by kings...

Now we have countries.

i used to go to hogwarts but they kicked me out because of my dyslexia

apparently spelling matters

With being a hippie, it’s not that we don’t take showers, it’s just we don’t use soap

We’d lather not

I used to fly a hang glider over my hot neighbor's pool.

My dad caught me and told me, "Son. You're grounded."

The skeleton memes used to be funny...

But I’ve come to realize they’re dead memes

What service does the Pope use to send money to his friends?

Papal.

You should never pay to use a psychic

If they were any good, they'd know you weren't going to pay them!

I had to use a yardstick to stop a bomb explosion...

Drastic times call for drastic measures

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Why doesn't Hitler use nail paint?

He hates the Polish.

I used a magic 8 ball to try and find the best email service

..all it would tell me was "Outlook good"

In a lot of sports, a ball is used.

But it's usually pointless.

I used to have a great body...

Had to get rid of it when the police started snooping around.

I used to go to church every week...

But then they stopped ordering pizza from us.

I used to be a cat person

But goddamn dogs taste so much better

To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money

On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to date a half-Asian. Her mom was Chinese and her dad was Japanese

A shark ate her bottom half.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Teacher asked Little Johnny if he could use Definitely in a sentece

Little Johnny: Yes, but can I ask a question first......
Teacher: What is your question.......
Little Johnny: Do farts have lumps in them?......
Teacher: No, Little Johnny, farts do not have lumps in them...
Little Johnny: Then I definitely just shit my pants

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