What does the US government use to kill flies?

They use a S.W.A.T team

A childhood classic my dad used to tell me:

Q. Why was a frog flying?
A. Because he ate a helium baloon.

Q. Then why was a snake flying?
A. Because it ate the flying frog.

Q. Then why was the eagle flying?
A. Because it has wings

Teacher: Use the word Dandelion in a sentence

Jamaican Student: Da Cheetah is faster Dandelion

I used to play triangle in a reggae band.

I would stand at the back and ting.

I used to believe there was an ocean of soda.

Then I came to terms that it was just a fanta sea.

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When i was a kid this was my favorite joke don't hate me pls i changed.

I want to first apologise for my english in case i over complicate the joke it's my 3rd language and i have to translate it from my native language ^^

Well so it starts in a restaurant. A tall lady with weird long grey hair shows up with her huge bag and asks for a place for 2, so the waiter ...

When he's in the bathtub, Batman uses Bat-shower gel to clean his body, Bat-pumice on his feet and Bat-shampoo to wash his hair.

But to keep his hair smooth and silky he uses Conditioner Gordon

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The Italian math challenge

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

'...

When future autonomous cars are connected on a network and speak to eachother, they won't need turn signals anymore.

... So BMW owners will have to figure out some other safety system to just not use.

Kid : " What are condoms used for?"

Dad : " To avoid such questions. "

The Little Old Lady.

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in
awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20
bills falling Out of that...

Wife asks her husband will he remarry if she dies.

Husband: No how can I think of remarrying.

Wife: Why not? You would need a partner for your bad times. Please remarry if I die.

Husband: You are so sweet... Even after death, you are worried about me.

Wife: Will you let her use my car?

Husband: Of course not

Wife: ...

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Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blur...

I used to live paycheck to paycheck

But now I can happily say that after years of hard work and perseverance; I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

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My wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday...

I said, "Aw, I don't need presents, I just want a nice, relaxing massage and some of that great sex we used to have."
Anyway guys, it worked, she is buying me so much stuff.

It’s the World Cup Final...

And a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’

‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their righ...

My best mate was born by Cesarean...

The only side effect is when he gets out the car he uses the sunroof.

When you call 911 no matter where you are your phone will connect to even the smallest amount of service to get your call through

They use the same idea to make mobile game ads

I used to do a lot of tap dancing

but I kept falling in the sink

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A police officer gets a new case

A police officer is minding his own business when his partner drops a case on his desk. His partner says "Leonid, a dance studio is running a drug operation, clear as day, open and shut case". Leonid has had a long day but is excited because open and shut cases don't happen often around this precin...

What do you call a program that uses every possible combination to crack a password?

A battering R.A.M.

The stranded priest

A priest was stranded on island for many years. He had managed to survive quite well and was living a decent life. One day he noticed a ship had came closer than ever before and he began to smother his fire to produce smoke. The ship had barely seen him but sent a rescue party to his island. The pri...

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Two Israelis are sitting on the beach in Tel Aviv...

... reading newspapers. One is reading a reputed newspaper published in Tel Aviv, but the other is reading an anti-Semitic propaganda paper published by Iranian subverts.

The first guy asks the second: "why in God's name are you reading that anti-Semitic rag?"

The second guy responded...

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The funeral procession.

I used to go fishing with a feller. Wesley, his name was. Miserable bastard, but he loved to fish. He and I would go out all the time. But one day, we were river fishing... when we see a funeral procession going over a bridge and, out of the blue, Wesley stands up, takes off his hat, bows his head. ...

Manuel turned his life around.

He used to be sad and lonely.

Now he's lonely and sad.

I was shocked today when I heard my neighbor..

.. telling his son the difference between Email and Gmail.

He said Email is when you use Electricity to send mail while Gmail is when you use Generator to send mail.

I'm still struggling to catch my breath.

My dad is see through and used to be a woman.

He’s a transparent trans-parent.

I gave a homeless guy $5 today

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he's just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

My friend used to run a hotel, but now he runs an Airbnb. I asked him if this change in job gave him any new challenges.

He said no, it’s entirely inn keeping.

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What’s the difference between sexy and kinky?

Sexy is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.

A lonely fisherman decided to use his internet instead of a regular fishing net.

All he caught were catfish.

An Irishman goes into the confessional box...

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.

On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been...

Help, how do I get the frost off my windshield?

I used my discount card but could only get 20% off.

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Guys, I used to date a stripper, and let me tell you something...

this lady could get the paint off your walls in no time

I still can't understand why my wife was disappointed with my choice of salad dressing

I used the finest tuxedo!

Why's it called a lighter?

A lighter is called a lighter because it gets lighter every time you use it

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Two Women are walking home from the bar.

They have to piss so they slip into a cemetary. One uses her panties to wipe herself, the other uses flowers and gifts off a head stone. Next night husbands are at the bar, one looks at the other and says "I'm gonna have to watch my wife she came home with no panties on last night." The other one sa...

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3 men in a desert...

3 men had been crawling through the dry hot desert for 14 days and nights.
They were buggered, had enough.
One of them spotted a tree in the distance. Upon getting closer there was a house.
They jumped up and ran over.
It was the first civilisation they had seen for weeks.
And wh...

I’m working on a new typeface to be used for church bulletins...

I call it 'Baptismal Font.'

My Brain Amazes Me!!!

Not a joke!!! Just a bad incident that might make a few people chuckle who been through similar goof-ups!!!



Here it goes,



I have been living with my brain for 28 years now and I still don't know how it works!!!



I tried to train it but all in vain; its fun...

England is finally honoring it's longest river entirely in it's border by making repairs to the over 45 navigation locks used for transportation, improving the many drinking water systems abstracting flow from it's discharge into the sea, and providing for wildlife sanctuaries near the coast.

The people will vote on the entire referendum poised to fund the project.

It's called the Bond...the Thames Bond....

A black guy in a library asked me where the colored printers were.

I said, "Dude, it's 2021, you can use any printer you want."

I used to have an obsession for sweet foods with a hole in the middle

I donut care for them anymore though

A school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport

A school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, an ancient wooden device called a "slide-rule"  as well as a code device called an "abacus" that he claimed was a calculator....

I wanted to use a paper map when sightseeing but my girlfriend insisted on using her phone

It was my way or the Huawei.

What do you do when there's rough turbulence?

Use an air plane!

I used to have a friend that was great at golf.

They had a stroke.

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A mute man is going on a date

He realizes he's a bit of age and could use some viagra for the evening. He goes to the pharmacy and looks around but can't find it. He goes to the counter where the pharmacist asks if he can help. The man looks down towards his privates but the pharmacist doesn't understand what that means. A coupl...

Guys I designed my own knife

It uses cutting edge technology





(Also blue cheese)

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"


"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhap...

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A businessman was going on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone.

So he went to a sex shop and started looking around. He goes up to the clerk and explains his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, strap ons, eggs, bullets, wing-wangers and fling-flongers..."

The Businessman in...

Yesterday I tucked some receipts from Bitcoin into an exotic dancer's panties.

My first use of stripto currency.

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A priest and an atheist are playing golf.

The priest is okay, but the atheist is shit. He keeps missing his shots. Every time he misses a shot, he says ‘Damn, missed!’ The priest got more and more agitated at the use of the word ‘damn’, and eventually snapped. He said, ‘Do not use that word or God himself will strike you down!’ There’s an i...

What language was used to program Marvin the Paranoid Android (from Hitchhiker's Guide...)?

Morose Code.

A man receives a message from a neighbor...

"Sorry, sir I am using your wife day and night. Usually, when you are not present at home. In fact, much more than you do. I confess this now because I am feeling very guilty. Hope you will accept my sincere apologies."

The man is down with a heart attack and admitted to the hospital.

...

Have you ever noticed the tags that you can use when posting on r/Jokes?

For some reason, people can't use the OC tag in their posts.

Why do plants use photosynthesis?

So they can have a light snack

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Atti-la-lot

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appet...

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How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

I hope someone comes across this distress signal

Damn it, I used the wrong flare

We need to re-evaluate our use of the word 'Legendary.' We used to Say it of the person that pulled the sword from the stone.

Now we say it about whoever can find the Doritos.

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then ...

A father and his young son check into their hotel room.

When they get to their room, they meet the maid on her way out. She stops and says, "Welcome, I just put fresh towels and toiletries in your room. Enjoy your stay!" The father and his son thank her and enter the room.

Shortly after settling in, the son tells his dad he needs to use the bathr...

What Operating System does the Infinity Gauntlet use?

ThanOS

I used to copy Mitch Hedberg jokes.

I still do, but I used to, too.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar



An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

   The first mathematician orders a beer 

The second orders half a beer 

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies 

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bar...

A woman has a failing marriage, and she feels bad about it.

Her husband won't listen to her or acknowledge her, or anything. All he does is sit on the couch watching football and waiting for meals. The woman decides to go to the pet store to find a pet.

At the store, she sees all sorts of animals, such as fish, dogs, cats, parrots, and even a horse. S...

Raymond starts work at a zoo.

His first job is to clean out a tank of rare fish. However Raymond slips on a wet patch, smashes the fish tank and watches in horror as the fish flip-flop around on the floor. There are no other tanks nearby, so Raymond flings the dying fish into the lion enclosure, where a hungry lion soon snaps th...

Me: <signing> Whenever I communicate in sign language, I always use double entendres.

Person: <signing> How so?

Me: <signing> You see what I mean?

The royal calligrapher's apprentice.

In the late 1400s there was a young man named Pablo. He was apprenticed to the royal calligrapher for the king of Spain. One day the royal calligrapher gathered his apprentices for a lesson.

"Any letter penned for his majesty must be penned with Ink made here in Spain! It would be a trav...

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After ordering a milkshake, a man had to leave his seat in the restaurant to use the rest room.

Since he didn't want anyone to take his shake, he took a paper napkin, wrote on it, "The world's strongest weight lifter," and left it under his glass.

When he returned from making his pit stop, the glass was empty. Under it was a new napkin with a note that said

"Thanks for the treat...

Customer service at restaurants is HORRIBLE.

Every time I use one of their restrooms, I see "Employees must wash hands" on the mirror. So I wait for HOURS, but not ONCE has an employee EVER showed up to wash them for me.

How do you track Will Smith in the woods?

You use fresh prints.

A young man arrives at a logging camp in northern Canada

He is there for the next nine months. The foreman shows him around, where he will eat, where he will sleep, the bathroom, etc... the young man asks half jokingly “What do ya’ll do when you get the urges? Ya know, there aren’t any women here...” the foreman smiles and points at a large barrel sitting...

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Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic?

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it...

"Studnia" is a Polish word referring to a shaft sunk into the ground used to obtain water

(hopefully this translates well)

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Two guys are sitting in a tree

One of them is using binoculars to peek into the houses when he asks the other:

"Hey man, i was wondering what you would do if you ever caught your wife cheating?"

The other replies: "I'd shoot her in the head and him in the dick!"

And the first guy goes: "Well, if you hurry t...

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One day in a school

the teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.  

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”  

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fa...

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A frustrated wife goes to the doctor (long)

"Doctor, you have to help me. I've been married 30 years to my husband and I feel he's lost all interest in me. You know, phisically speaking. He barely looks at me, let alone have sex with me. Oh, I really miss the good old times where we had wonderful sex multiple times a week, there must be somet...

What's the difference between a liar and a lawyer?

Nothing, especially if you use an Australian accent.

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A woman peers into her bedroom mirror and sighs, deeply.

Her husband quickly asks what the issue is, concerned. She turns around, facing him, “I’m not who I used to be. My forehead is wrinkly, my nose and ears are giant, my lips are deflated and my crows feet are deepen more and more by the day! My collar bones are undefined and my arms are flappy. My beh...

When I was a kid I used to think I was The Messiah.

Every time my dad said something, it started with "Jesus Christ!".

We could use some George Carlin right about now.

But then he'd would be saying "I TOLD YOU SO!"

I used to date a comedian. Things were going great until they met my parents.

They made a bad impression.

I used to be a ventriloquist, until I lost my dummy.

Now I'm just a schizophrenic.

Me and my buddy Terrell went down to the library.

Me and my buddy Terrell went down to the local library the other day.

He said, "I wonder if the have any colored printers."

I replied, "Geeze, Terrell, it's 2021, use whatever printer you want."

My friends used to laugh at me when I told them that I wanted to become a comedian

Well nobody's laughing now

Why is reading the onion more useful than reading the Wall Street Journal?

Because the Wall Street Journal is about the past, while the Onion is about the future

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Two tipsy women sneak into a graveyard to pee one night.

Once done, one uses her panties to wipe with and throws them away, the other uses a ribbon from a nearby wreath.


The next day one husband called the other: "My wife came home last night without any panties!"


"That's nothing!" The other replied, "My wife had a card stuck between...

There are 2 astronauts in space.

The first says "I can't find any milk for my coffee"

The second says "in space, no-one can. Here, use cream"

(Saying it aloud helps)

#Tip your waitresses!

I used to sell loose onions

Until I got the sack

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Little Johnny was participating in a class activity.

The teacher went around asking her students to use random words she gave them in a sentence.
Johnny was asked to use the word facinate in a sentence.
He scratched his head and wondered for a minute then said, "my mom bought me a shirt with 10 buttons but I could only facinate."

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At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit.

While the Tax Office agent was checking the books he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said, “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?”

“Good question,” noted the CEO. “We save them up and send them back to...

A father is explain the importance of condoms to his son

A father is in the local drug store explains the importance of condoms to his son.

The son asks “Dad, why are there difference size packs of condoms?”

The father replies “They have different uses. Why don’t you point to a few and I’m explain when people need them?”

The son point...

A corporal needed to use the pay phone but didn't have change.

He saw a private mopping the floor nearby and asked, "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" The private replied, "Sure, hang on." The corporal gave him an icy stare and yelled, "That's no way to address your superior! Straighten up and let's try that again! Private, do you have change for a dol...

Once there was a dragon slayer named Nick.....

Nick was a wealthy man, due to the fact that there were many dragons around the kingdom that required killing. The king of the land used to pay a great price for every dragon killed. But Nick had a deep secret, he had a massive desire to sleep with the queen, even if it was just for a night.
One...

In my younger days, if I had to use the bathroom I could just hold it in.

Nowadays, Depend's

I thought this sub could use a little more self-deprecating humor...

... too bad I suck at telling jokes.

A little boy wakes up one night and realizes he needs to use the bathroom.

He runs downstairs to the living room, where his mother is having a party with her friends.

"I gotta pee!" yells the little boy. "I gotta pee!"

The mother takes her son to the bathroom. "Son," she says, "we do not yell the word 'pee' when grown-ups are around. Next time, just whisper, ...

You’d think the Catholic Church would be more supportive of condom use...

Less DNA evidence.

I'm about to embark on a huge art conquest of Shakespeare's work and am undecided on which pencil to use...

2B or not 2B

More of a story than a joke, but it's worth it.

Tony, a friend and mentor of mine (a dad figure) used to start talking about his fantastic new hearing aid, telling anyone who would listen about how everything sounded so clear to him now that he had this new device. He would say, "It's a new kind; it's NOT a MiracleEar." Of course once he told the...

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Bucket Method

Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says "We're Catholic so we can't use it."


The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm method."


The third woman says "We use the bucket and saucer method." <...

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A young Native American boy is listening to his dad...

talk about how to read the skies, in order to know how much wood is needed for the winter. Being the youngest of two boys, as well as his older brother being the apple of his fathers eye, he knows he won't be made chief, so he saw no point in learning it. A few years later, a tradegy strikes the tri...

How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they all use gaslighting.

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I thought it was just the U.S's insatiable need for inexpensive, single-use, remote controlled electronic junk that my son always wants crappy toys made in China that break after 5 days

But it seems China feels the same way about their rockets.

Chicken Addiction

A guy really wanted to eat chicken. He was craving it for a while and he decided to go get some. But, he didn't want any of the fast food type chicken. So, he decided to cook it himself.

He goes to the butcher to buy it. The butcher gave him a live chicken. The man, surprised, asked the butch...

How many redditors on r/jokes does it take to change a lightbulb?

87.

1 to install the replacement and 86 to point out it’s already been used before.

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[Long NSFW] Oxford professor

An old Oxford professor is nearing retirement and decides that he wants to do something fun for once. He's spent his whole life researching scientific theories in his lab and wants to do something outside for a change, so he asks his assistant for a suggestion of something different to go and resear...

I was rejected from my dream art school because I used the wrong pencil.

It wasn’t 2B.

Dating a girl with an OnlyFans is a lot like having your own private, reserved parking spot.

Anyone and everyone can see it, but only you actually get to use it.

Me and my buddy got into a debate about flat bread being used for sandwiches.

We decided it was a naan issue.

Sometimes, I use words I don’t understand

So I can sound more photosynthesis.

Saw an old lady sitting alone in her front yard; in a canoe. I thought to myself...

Now there's someone who could use a good paddle.

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A Russian and a Ukrainian go fishing together. They catch a talking goldfish, and she grants them 3 wishes if they let her go

The Russian Says: We Used My Fishing Rod, So I Get First 2 Wishes.
First: I Want All The Capitalists Out Of My Glorious Country.
Second: I Want A Big Wall Around Russia, Nobody Can Cross.

Then Ukrainian Has A Dialogue With The Fish
- Is The Wall Done?
- Yes
- Is It Strong And D...

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Simple Economics

SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISMYou hav...

Little Johnny and the plumber

Little Johnny's parents have a plumber over to fix some issues in the bathroom. As kids do, Johnny roams around the plumber, commenting and asking questions.

At same point, the plumber takes out a screwdriver, and Little Johnny gets excited. "Hey, my dad has two of these. A small one that he...

I have been terrified of something being under my bed since I was a child.

So recently I decided to go see a psychiatrist, hoping that there might be a cure. I told the psychiatrist that I have had this horrible fear of something terrible being under my bed, and even now as an adult, I find a can't sleep and am in a constant state of anxiety when I'm in the bed. He said "I...

When I was growing up I loved watching my dad at work whenever I got the chance to go with him.

He used to work in New York City and him and the people he worked for was this big electrical company. There were all electricians. Some of the funniest people I've ever met on the planet.

The one thing about all their jokes though is that they're a little too vulgar for not exactly the most...

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Rags To Riches Success Story

A real touching success story! 

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine.  He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine. 

One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do...

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I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed.

I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them.

I always take 40 or 50 lighters with me in a bag...

Not because I'll need them, but you can always use a lighter bag when hiking.

And I make sure it's not an odd number so that way it's even lighter.

How do you prevent murders?

Use a scarecrow

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A Science-Minded Deviant

There's this scientist that loves dolphins. He loves dolphins so much, he wants to figure out a way to make them live forever. For years he slaves away in his basement laboratory, and he believes that he has found a compound that when given to dolphins, will make them live forever. The only probl...

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Warning to all men about eBay.

Be careful what you buy on eBay.

If you buy stuff on line, be sure to

check out the seller carefully.

I just spent £95 + postage,

on a penis enlarger.

Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.

The only instructions said, "Do not use in sunlight."

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My Cousin was born with no eyelids. Later when he was circumcised, they used the foreskin to create eyelids for him.

Everything turned out fine......he's just a lil Cock eyed.

In Australia they use kangaroo broth to make

Marsoupial

I used to have the skeeziest math teacher...

He was an absolute sumlord.

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