UPJOKE
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Who is in favour of bringing Roman numerals back into use?

I for one.

Why did Will use an open hand?

Because paper always beats Rock.

What is something that is yours, but others use more than you?

A joke on this subreddit.

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My son asked me, “Dad, why is it important to use a condom during sex?’

I said, “Usually, it’s to avoid answering questions like this.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried taking my dog Jack out to use the bathroom the other night, but it was so dark

I couldn't see Jack shit

Which hand do you use to cut your steak?

Neither, you use a knife.

My grandfather always used to say “as one door closes another one opens”

Great guy.

Terrible carpenter.

A king had 10 wild dogs. He used them to torture and kill any ministers that misguided him.

A Minister once gave an opinion which was wrong which the king didn’t like at all…
So he ordered that the Minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The Minister said, "I served you loyally for 10 years & you do this..?"

The King was unrelenting.

Minister pleaded, "Please give m...

Why are the Russian forces in Ukraine using the symbol "Z"?

Because the other half of the swastika fell off due to poor Russian maintenance.

I used to get sad remembering the day Mitch Hedberg died….

I still do, but I used to, too.

RIP

I asked my kid for a phone book. They rolled their eyes and said "OK boomer, we don't use those anymore" and handed me their phone.

Now their phone is smashed and they are furious, but I got that spider!

What weapon do sheep like to use while in prison?

A lamb shank

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family....

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"O...

I own a pencil used by William Shakespeare

He used to chew on it a lot though, so I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B

Why can't pirates use sign language?

Because the hook makes everything sound like a question.

What do mermaids use to wash their fins?

Tide

When I was a kid my mom used to say " Perdon my French" when she said any bad word.

I'll never forget the day in school when my teacher ask if could speak French.

what is long, has a slanted tip, and pours fluid when in use?

A pen is.

I went shopping for a used car.

I found a very nice 1967 Camaro. The paint was clean, it started beautifully. When I opened the door there was a disgusting dead cat on the floor. I was ready to walk away from the deal, but the owner agreed to replace the carpet.

God initially planned to use wasps to pollinate flowers.

But in the end, he went with plan Bee.

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My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.

After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.

Is it weird to lick a knife after your done using it?

Because the other surgeons looked at me in disgust today.

My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid

She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.

I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth

Told my friend to use multiple dating apps to find a partner because…

… she doesn’t believe in love at first site

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

I had a fun childhood, my dad used to push me down the hill in old tires

They were Goodyears

I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’

You probably saw our posters

I used to be addicted to time travel.

But that’s all in the past now.

I used to make jokes at work during meetings and could really get people laughing, then COVID hit and everything went online. I’d still make jokes, but no one would laugh. Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted, but it turns out...

They didn’t find me remotely funny...

What social media platform do fetuses use?

discord

What do you call a restaurant that predominantly uses garlic as an ingredient that caters to literary nerds?

Allicin Wonderland

For a period of time, Harry Houdini used a trap door in every magic show he performed.

It was…just a stage he was going through.

My friend: Why do you only use one of the trigonometric functions?

Me: Just ‘cos

I don’t understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals

It's pointless!

I took a survey of which shampoos women used in the shower

98% said what are you doing in my bathroom

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW My girlfriend used to smoke after sex.

So we started using lubricant.

I've been trying to learn to use bar soap in the shower but it's not going well

I just can't seem to grasp it

what is the propeller used for on an airplane?

Many people dont know this, but is actually for air conditioning, if u ever get to see it, when the propeller stops the pilot suddenly starts sweating

If you’re going to make fun of Crytpo Bros today make sure to use cheap shots.

That’s all they can afford.

Growing up we didn't have a lot of money. I had to use a hand-me-down calculator with no multiplication symbol on it.

Times were tough

Gas prices are so high these days I used vodka in my lawnmower,

... now my grass is half cut.

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I just had to pay to refill the air in my tyres. It used to be free!!

Fucking inflation

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The other day I asked my wife to hand me the newspaper. She said, "Silly you, just use my Ipad."...

That spider had no fucking idea what hit it.

When I was young I used to sniff gasoline to get high…

These days we switched to cocaine to save some money.

“I used to make sandcastles with my grandma”

But then my mother would tell me to put the urn back

My mom won’t let me use the computer

Every time she catches me on it she slams my face against the keyboard!!!

It’s okay though she’s not home rig.. ’(3rdsktrsfye:20rfees,.wee$tberg,

Will smith used to be so full of life and fun

now he just seems *jaded*

My Stepfather Used to Tell This Joke to Everyone

*What did the farmer say to the cows at night? "It's past your bedtime."*

He told this joke to anyone he talked to, from family to people at the doctor's office. I felt the joke was old the second time I heard it. So, I started working on a response.

Christmas djnner rolls around. We ...

What meal kit deliver service does a cannibal use?

Hello flesh

I used to be a Shepherd, but I have no idea how many sheep I had.

Kept falling asleep trying to count them.

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish and he will spend a fortune on gear he will only use once a year.

On land, the Pope gets around in The Popemobile, but what does he use to fly?

A papal airplane.

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

What do Hutts use to program computers?

Jabbascript

15% of women admit to having used vibrators.

The other 85% said they bought them new.

When receiving payment in gold coins, pirates used to verify their purity by biting into them

In other word, criminals only accepting payment in bit coins goes long way back

As my dear departed mother used to say: "Hooray, hooray, the first of may!...."

"Outdoor screwing starts today!" (She actually did teach me that. I was an adult but still.)

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A teacher asks the kids if they can use the word contagious in a sentence.

Little Johnny raises his hand and says "I had a cold last week and my Mummy said I couldn't go play because I was contagious."

Little Billy raises his hand and says "My Daddy saw our neighbour trying to paint his fence with a one inch brush, he said that'll take the Cunt Ages"

It was smart to use Khloe Kardashian in those ads for migraine medication.

I know that not all people that have migraines watch the Kardashians, but everyone who watches the Kardashians has migraines.

Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.

Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

I grew up in a religious household and I used to pray and ask God for a bicycle

As I got older I learned that God and praying didn't work this way. So I stole a bicycle and ask God to forgive me

A blonde tried to sell her old car...

She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250 000 miles.

One day she told her problem to a friend she worked with. The friend told her,

“There is a way to make the car easier to sell but it’s not legal.”

“That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde.

“O...

As a teenager I had a summer job pumping gas….

As a teenager I had a summer job pumping gas. One week an older guy drove up and said he wanted a fill-up. Then he got out of the car with an umbrella, opened it, and followed me around as I worked, holding the umbrella over my head to keep the sun off me. I awkwardly thanked him as he paid his tab ...

Two friends having gotten tired of using instant communication, decided to use old fashioned means of messaging each other, such as pigeons.

For a few days, it is great. Then one day, a pigeon shows up at one friends house with a blank piece of paper.

Angry, the receiver phones his friend to ask what was the meaning of the message.

To which his friend calmly replies, "Oh, that was a missed call."

a senior doing useful things with her time

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn’t do something useful with my time……….

Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing.

Talking about my “doing something useful” seems to be her favourite topic of conversation.

She was “only thinking ...

Have you ever noticed the tags that you can use when posting on r/Jokes?

For some reason, people can't use the OC tag in their posts.

I used to own a wheelbarrow full of four-leaf clovers...

But then I realized I really shouldn't push my luck.

I used to hate facial hair....

But then it grew on me

Please take my advice and never use Crisco for lubrication…

It’s shortening. Found out the hard way.

Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl use the bathroom?

Because they’re all dead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?" Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted,...

I used to have a hard time picking up girls before I started working out

Now I can toss them in the back of my van no problem.

Fun fact: It is confirmed that monks are allowed to use email.

Just as long as there are no attachments.

I'm in my 40's and have never used essential oils in my life...

...which makes me think they're not really essential at all

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The Miami Marlins are no longer allowed to use the pain relief product Bengay in their clubhouse.

They must only use Benstraight from now on.

Why do chess grandmasters use Tinder in Prague?

Because every good chess player makes a move for a Czech mate.

I used to put my phone under my pillow so I could feel the alarm

Now I just put it in my pants. I've never woken up happier

How do you get the attention of a pervert? [NSFW]

Use an NSFW tag

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An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the lot for me.

Love Dad.
\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\...

Astronauts use Linux

Because you can't open Windows in space.

When I was young, I used to pray to the Lord everyday to give me a bike.

But then I realised it doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked him to forgive me.

I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake

Until my doctor advised me to take the candles off first.

Happy cake day to me!

whats the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms

ones a goodyear the others a GREAT year

A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing, to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.

When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Suddenly, she heard a voice saying, "There are no fish in here."

So, she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again, telling her, there are no fish in there. <...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you use a Rectal Thermometer ?

You put the Mercury in Uranus..

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and sh...

I asked my Granddaughter to hand me the newspaper. She told me newspapers are outdated, and everyone now uses tablets, so she handed me her iPad.

That Fly didn't stand a chance.

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Onomastics is the study of last names, and the connection to their thing. Like how Smith's used to be makers, or Gardners used to care for plants and vegetables, or Yorks come from the town of Yorke....

I don't think I want to know what the backstory is for the Dickensons...

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Russian elementary school assignmen: "please tell us an anecdote that demonstrates the kindness of our great leader Putin"

On the due date, the teacher has some students stand up and read their assignments in front of the class.

Little Igor goes first : "one day President Putin was walking down the street when he noticed a crying little girl. He asked what was troubling her, and she told him that her cat went up ...

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A lawyer, an environmentalist and a teacher were going the bathroom.

The lawyer gets done, washes his hands and uses the entire roll of tissue paper to wipe his hands. "I was taught to be thorough.", he said.

The environmentalist washes his hands and uses his own kerchief to wipe his hands. "I was taught to be environment friendly.", he said.

The teach...

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this I have.” Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a ...

I used to have a job cutting holes to make trapdoors for theatres.

It was just a stage I was going through.

I started a 100 subject survey on which shampoo women prefer to use...

Only got to the 3rd shower before i was arrested.

What did Tina Turner use to paint her kitchen?

Second hand emulsion.

What laundry detergent do bodybuilders use?

Gainz

An old lady used to cross the US-Mexico border every day using a motorcycle...

The guards, especially officer Johnson, knew she was smuggling something. But, no matter what they did, they could never find it.

Dogs wouldn't sniff anything, metal detectors wouldn't bleep, disassembling the motorcycle wouldn't help.

Many years later, on his last day at the job, once...

A man goes to the dentist to ask how much it would be to pull a tooth.

“$100,” said the dentist.

“Oh, that’s expensive,” said the main. “Do you have anything cheaper?”

“That’s the normal price for an extraction,” said the dentist.

The man thinks about it, “what about if you don’t use the anesthetic?”

“Well, that would be unusual, but we ...

Did you know that in the 1800s there was a childminder that used to give all of her wards a sweet with a bit of opium in it? Hence the phrase “Have *sweet* dreams?

You: Really?

Me: Nah it’s just that “Have *salty* dreams sounded a bit sus.”

He used to be the village's chief, until he lost his eye...

Now he's just a chef.

What do lawyers use for birth control?

Their personalities.

Can we ban the “yo momma” jokes from this sub? They’re old, stupid and have been used by everyone hundreds of times.

Just like yo momma.

What kind of milk is used to make Swiss cheese?

Hole milk

I used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid

A girl would spin the bottle, and if the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a nickel.

By the time I was 15, I owned my own house.

A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e on...

Why should you NEVER use the bathroom when you are around Pokemon?

They might Pikachu

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"My vagina is like the local gym," said my wife.

"What?" I asked. "Hot and sweaty?"

"No," she replied. "Only a few members use it regularly."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why should you always use protection when having phone sex?

So that you don't end up with hearing AIDS

Apparently you cannot use 'beef stew' as a password

it's not Stroganoff

SON: Dad, I'm not comfortable with how often you use humor to change the subect when I bring up your debilitaing drinking problem.

DAD: "Hi 'Not comfortable with how often you use humor to change the subect when I bring up your debilitaing drinking problem', I'm Dad".

What do you call a sample of gold that used to be lead?

A transition metal.

I used to play the triangle in a band, but I had to leave.

It was just one ting after another.

Car broke down

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the ...

I used to be against organ transplants.

But then I had a change of heart.

I’m impressed by my favorite writer’s use of conjunctions.

She has a very nice but.

People like to criticize r/relationship_advice, but it can actually be a very useful indicator of how healthy your relationship is

If your relationship has gotten to the point where you’re asking random Internet strangers for advice, it’s probably not going too well.

The vacuum extractor is a device used in some childbirths.

It sucks for the baby.

After rewatching Doctor Strange use the Eye of Agamotto

I thought that it would be a good idea to list other lesser known, possibly not as powerful, Eye Relics for those who may not know of their existence.

The Eye of Hellomoto: Helps improve Motorola phone reception.

The Eye of Pickamoco: Aids in clearing the nasal cavity of any sorcerer...

I used to have a beautiful house and a lovely car, until my friend introduced me to drugs...

Now, I have a yacht and a Caribbean Island.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Drug use?

A monster was feeling kind of hungry and he knew that they served food at the local bar. He walks into the bar and sees a couple girls sitting at the bar. He walks up and gobbles one of the girls down. The other girl who was a cop, pulls out a badge and says, "You're under arrest for murder and drug...

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While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

What do you call someone who doesn't know how to use a condom?

Dad

What kind of martial art does a Rabbi use?

Jew-Jitsu

Pregnant girlfriend

Guy: Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant, but we always use protection, and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story: “There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion s...

My son is walking through the house, shouting “Duck! Duck! Duck!”

I told him to stop using fowl language.

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I used to work with a guy who watched porn all day

I’m just glad he didn’t begin to rub off on me

I used to be addicted to soap

But now I'm clean

Can’t believe what I saw in McDonald’s today.

An old man placed an order for one hamburger , French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half , placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries , dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front...

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Why was a used tampon on display at the museum?

It was a period piece.

I used to love building sandcastles with my granny...

...but my parents thought it was creepy so they glued the urn shut.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What Power Level does Goku use in the bathroom?

he goes Pooper Saiyan

My dad used to make homemade chicken soup that he'd call 'Chicken Napolean'

...because he made it from the 'bony parts'.

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My friend is a stripper, I'm a warehouse associate. She asked how her job is any different than mine if we both use our bodies.

I said "well it's simple really; I grind metal and you grind wood."

Husband: Last night, you used abusive language on me when you were asleep

Wife: That was your imagination

Husband: What imagination?!

Wife: That I was asleep

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One morning when Johnny is brushing his teeth, he sees his mother stepping out of the shower to dry herself off. While she is reaching for her towel, he notices that she has hair between her legs.

"Mommy," he says, "why do you have hair between your legs?"

Embarrassed, the mother responds, "Oh, this isn't hair. This is a washcloth. I used it to wash my face in the shower." She is so mortified, she decides to shave off her pubic hair.

A few mornings later when Johnny sees his mot...

I still remember when my mum used to tuck me in as a kid....

She really wanted a daughter!

I used to practice blackjack by using my bedroom wall as an opponent

I stopped when I realised the house always wins

I used to teach creative writing at San Quentin

Back in my college days in the Bay Area, I ended up becoming a volunteer teacher’s assistant at a creative writing class at San Quentin prison. For those of you who doesn’t know this is a prison full of some of the hardest criminals that walked the earth.

Well I met an inmate there named Art...

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Pregnant Girlfriend Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms every time we have sex. Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke? Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died.

Guy...

A horse had a life long dream of playing the guitar

So there was a horse, and this horse always had a dream of playing the guitar.

So the horse calls up a music shop and he says, “Hey, I want to learn how to play the guitar.”

The music shop employee goes “That’s great we’ll set you up for music lessons.”

The horse responds “We...

Instead of yelling at my family I used to yell into a colander

All it did was strain my voice

After a rough weekend, I realize I'm not as young or fit as I used to be, and I can only change one of those.

So tomorrow I begin searching for the Fountain of Youth.

James Bond walks into a bar

He looks around, and takes a seat neat to a very attractive women.

He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The women notices this and asks, "*Is your date running late?*"

"*No*", he replies, "*Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I...

My girlfriend is so smart, she really surprises me!

I went golfing, and forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her.

She answered: "What's up, honey?"

What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!

When I was a kid, my family used to move a lot.

But I always found them.

If slow old men use walking sticks, what do fast old men use ?

Hurry canes.

A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost.

He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"



The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."



"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
...

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