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Use Jokes

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went.

One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lio...

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While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

What did Texans use for heat before the advent of firewood?

Electricity

What did the Egyptians use to travel to the Underworld?

A new bus.

Why don’t BMW owners use their turn signals?

They’re too stubborn to pay the monthly subscription fee!

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The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock Cit...

What is one catch phrase that a condom manufacturing company should never use?

Tried and Tested!

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A pilot accidentally left on the intercom and was heard saying, "I could really use a coffee and a blowjob"

A stewardess quickly ran towards the cockpit, and a passenger yelled out, "you forgot the coffee!"

Eta: Looks like Good Will Hunting made this joke popular.

What did Britons use to light their homes before candles?

Electricity.

I asked the gym trainer what type of machine i should use to get the best looking women

He said the ATM outside

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one. Michael J. Fox has a small one. Madonna doesn’t have one. The Pope has one but never uses. Donald Trump has one and uses it. What is it?

A surname/last name

An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet.

As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.

He rushes to the phone and calls 000 (911)

"I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!"...

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International women’s day should not be used as an excuse for sexist jokes

Period.

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun,the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and aske...

I used to like Mitch Hedberg jokes...

I still do, but I used to, too.

18 years ago, today, we lost one of the greats.
R.I.P. to a legend.

Back in the day Oklahoma use to have a slogan “Oklahoma is OK!”, you know why it was just OK?

Because they couldn’t spell mediocre.

China has now banned any military personnel to use apple watches due to security reasons.

One soldier says with tears in his eyes “but but my daughter made it for me”.

I used to be into sadism, bestiality and necrophilia!

But then I figured I was just flogging a dead horse.

Why do all astronauts use a mac?

Because its dangerous to open windows in space.

Why did Will use an open hand?

Because paper always beats Rock.

When I'm around my Spanish-speaking friends I always use the word "mucho"...

It means a lot to them.

I hate it when people use "you're" and "your" incorrectly

There so dumb

A blonde pays $1,000,000 to use a stadium to prove blondes are smart.

She fills the stadium with 80,000 other blondes and calls one up to prove, on live TV, that blondes are smart. She starts simply with a math question.
“What’s twenty plus three?” She asks the young volunteer. The little blonde thinks and timidly whispers into the mic “nine?” Soon a chorus of 80,...

Who is in favour of bringing Roman numerals back into use?

I for one.

I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes.

I still do. But I used to too.

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How do you use a condom twice?

You shake the fuck out of it.

Chuck Norris uses a stunt double

….for crying scenes

It's incredible how many French words are now used in the English language

There's 'Hors D'oeuvres' for starters.

*Teacher to Student* T: "Use the word 'centimeter' in a sentence"

S: ‟My grandma was arriving at the train station so i was centimeter”

T: ‟No, no, that‘s ‘Sent to meet her‘. Okay, try another one. Use ‘contagious‘ in a sentence please”

S: ‟I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!”

My wife minored in psychology. She's always using all her amateur psychology when we argue.

When I fired the pool boy, she said, "Well, you know, you're only firing him because he's so young and good looking, and you feel threatened and insecure, because it reminds you of your own mortality, and you're projecting all these insecurities onto someone else in a very passive/aggressive way, be...

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I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed.

I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them

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The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good....

15% of women admit to having used vibrators.

The other 85% said they bought them new.

I asked my kid for a phone book. They rolled their eyes and said "OK boomer, we don't use those anymore" and handed me their phone.

Now their phone is smashed and they are furious, but I got that spider!

If Trump played DnD, what weapon would he use?

Fire staff

‌‌I use‌‌d t‌‌o thin‌‌k al‌‌l blac‌‌k peopl‌‌e ha‌‌d boomboxes.

Turne‌‌d ou‌‌t i‌‌t wa‌‌s jus‌‌t ‌‌a stere‌‌o type.

My first time buying condoms, at age 16, I went to the pharmacy. The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, "No, it's my first time."

She took one out, put it on her thumb, and told me to make sure it was on tight.

I still looked confused.

She looked around the store to see if it was empty and it was.

"Just a minute." she said and locked the door.

She led me to the back room, took off her shirt and bra...

I always assumed that China has extremely sophisticated spying technology that they use on their rivals.

Well, that balloon has burst.

Apparently you can’t use “beefstew” as a password.

It’s not stroganoff.

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A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely.” To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.

The first student raises his hand and says, “The sky is definitely blue.”

The teacher says, “Well, that isn’t entirely correct, because sometimes it’s gray and cloudy.”

Another student says, “Grass is definitely green.”
The teacher again replies, “If grass doesn’t get enough wate...

As a doctor I often get asked why I use that rubber hammer to tap patient's knees.

I dunno. I just get a kick out of it.

What kind of condoms do frogs use?

Ribbed.

Top Reddit posters should use their karma to help the environment.

They are already experts at recycling.

The use of a colon can really change the intended meaning of a sentence.

Jimmy went to school and ate his lunch

becomes

Jimmy went to school and ate his colon.

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What do Jersey girls use as protection during sex?

# Bus shelters.

Can we ban the “yo momma” jokes from this sub? They’re old, stupid and have been used by everyone hundreds of times.

Just like yo momma.

My mom used to tuck me in when I was young

She wanted a daughter so bad

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A rabbit is captured and taken to a medical laboratory to be used for experiments . . .

There, he befriends a rabbit who was born and raised in the lab. One day, he notices that the researchers didn't latch his cage properly and he decides to make a break for it. He tells the lab rabbit how great it is on the outside and convinces him to come along.

First, the wild rabbit take...

My granddad always used to say, “As one door closes, another one opens.”

Lovely man.

Terrible cabinet maker.

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My son asked me, “Dad, why is it important to use a condom during sex?’

I said, “Usually, it’s to avoid answering questions like this.”

What pickup line do guys use to get girls in Alabama?

You’re like a sister to me.

I never used to use the lords name in vain.

But now that I have a kid of my own, I see why God named his kid Jesus Christ.

Why do Adam and Eve use Android?

Because Eve violated the apple terms and conditions.

A king had 10 wild dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.

A king had 10 wild dogs.
He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.

A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn’t like at all…
So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said,
"I served you loyall...

What money do they use on Superman's homeworld?

Kryptocurrency

In England, they use the "Royal We."

In Scotland, the use the "Royale Ewe."

At school one day, Little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to use the word “contagious” in a sentence…

Cindy raises her hand. “Yes, Cindy?” She answers, “I was at the dentist’s office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious.”

“Very good, Cindy!” the teacher said, “Anyone else want to try?” Samantha raises her hand. “Yes, Sa...

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Before getting married, my wife and I used all sorts of sexual positions, but it wasn’t until after being married for years that we discovered the Quantum Super position…

… where it’s rather hard to tell if my wife is alive or dead.

What type of flour do orphans use for baking?

Self-raising flour.

What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones?

Skele tons!
Stay spooky my dudes

God initially planned to use wasps to pollinate flowers.

But in the end, he went with plan Bee.

I used to make jokes at work during meetings, and I could really get people laughing. Then COVID hit, and all our meetings were online. I'd still make jokes, but no one would laugh...

Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted. It turns out, they didn't find me remotely funny.

I just heard a speech on how to use your eyelids

It really opened my eyes

In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo.

All the other paintball players started freaking out though.

Why do prison guards use Proactive?

To prevent breakouts.

When I was a kid my mom used to say " Perdon my French" when she said any bad word.

I'll never forget the day in school when my teacher ask if could speak French.

What do aliens use at the gym?

A-steroids

I used to date a girl who was missing a shin.





Her name was Eileen. She had a brother who was missing both shins. His name was Neil.

When receiving payment in gold coins, pirates used to verify their purity by biting into them

In other word, criminals only accepting payment in bit coins goes long way back

Why are the Russian forces in Ukraine using the symbol "Z"?

Because the other half of the swastika fell off due to poor Russian maintenance.

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An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba,


I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the lot for me.


Love Dad.
\~\~\...

You have three cups of coffee and 20 sugar cubes? How do you put an odd number of sugar cubes into each cup of coffee using all 20 sugar cubes.

1 cube in the first cup, 1 cube in the second, and 18 in the third because 18 is an odd number of sugar cubes to put in coffee.

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more.

Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position ...

What does Mike Tyson use to chat with the Pope?

Faithtime

"Mansplain" is a terrible word to use

because it has more letters than explain and is therefore more difficult for women to understand.

What does the ocean use for laundry?

Tide!

Why do poets go to the zoo to use the restroom?

So they can poo in the loo at the zoo.

I hate it when people use metaphors that are physically impossible.

It makes my blood boil.

Americans do use the metric system...

Because they use 9mms at school.

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Yesterday my SON e-mailed me asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

Like sitting around playing on my computer is not a good thing? I asked.

Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be his favorite topic of conversation.

He said he was "only thinking of me", he said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the men. ...

The kid that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the other hand, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

I decided to use my knife to save ammo

Apparently that’s not allowed in paintball

I let some of my friends use my high quality printer from Spain.

When I told them where it was from, they all gasped in shock. Because no-one expects the Spanish ink precision!

Use any units you'd like (actually happened in a class of mine)

Professor: Anyone want to guess the Earth's magnetic field strength? Use any units you'd like.

Student: *raises hand*

Professor: Yes?

Student: 1 Earth

In medieval times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse when riding at night.

This is the earliest known form of saddle light navigation.















*I'll fetch my coat of arms*

What did the chef use to write a cookbook?

An om-nom-nom de plume

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What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?

A seatbelt

It's the Month of Ramadan and we had remaining dates from last year but we can't use them this year.

They're Outdated.

I used to tell dad jokes.

He's dead now though.

I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, but my roommate used the paper to roll up his joint.

Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to see again.

Apparently, all the tents from the Game of Thrones sets are being redecorated for use in a new mini-series on Genghis Khan.

I am not sure why anyone is surprised about the recycled Khan tent.

My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid

She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.

I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth

A boy has to use the restroom in class

When he asks his teacher if he can go to the bathroom she tells him, “you can go if you can tell me the alphabet.”

Annoyed, but really needing to go, he starts. “A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y and Z”

The teacher then says, “that was close, but where is the P?”

...

I used to be Christian....

Her: I used to be Christian.

Him: It’s all right, I don’t really care for those sorts of things.

Her; Thank god! It’s so much better now that I’m Christine!

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Why didn't Hitler use a taxi?

Because he was more of an Uber mensch

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

When struggling between which grey/gray to use…

Just remember this helpful tip:
Europe=grEy, America=grAy.... and for the Canadians, grEHy

Back in the day, excessive use of commas was considered a very serious crime.

It usually resulted in a long sentence.

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Girls use chemicals to remove polish and no one bats an eye

But when hitler does it everyone loses their mind

My farmer friend used his stimulus to buy baby chickens.

He got the money for nothing, and the chicks for free.

I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly didn’t stand a chance.

Instead of actual serious spying gear, the Chinese used a balloon. Why?

Because of inflation.

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses

She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Larry?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Happy St Patrick’s Day! If you can’t kiss the Blarney Stone for luck just use a fake stone…

Any “sham rock” will do.

When people use metal detectors, they’re treasure hunters…

but when _I_ do it, I’m “a thief” and I “need to leave the war memorial.”

Double standards, man. I swear

I used to date a girl who was a fan of “Lion king” like me.

Whenever we made out, she used to say Sukona ma tatas.

I always corrected her saying that it’s Hakuna matata.

I just realized that I am an idiot.

My ex used to hit me with musical instruments

I didn't know that she had a history of violins.

What do you call couples who use the rhythm method?

Parents

What does every woman have that starts with a V, that she can use to get what she wants?

Her voice.

My Uncle used to say "If you do something you love you'll never work a day in your life."

He did heroin

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A radio station in Ireland is taking calls to find a word that is commonly used but isn't in the dictionary yet...

The first caller get's through,

"Hello! What word do you think should be in the dictionary?"

"Goan!"

"Goan? Can you use it in a sentence?"

"Yeah, go'an fuck yerself!" The caller then begins laughing until the station can cut off his call.

After several more calls t...

I used to think that alcohol was bad to my health

So i quit thinking.

What materials do fruits use for walkways?

Pomegranate

In Canada, they use “B.C.E.” instead of “B.C”

It stands for Before Christ, Eh?

My girlfriend just admitted she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her.

It might seem judgemental, but I have only known her since she was Christine.

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One's a Goodyear and the other's a great year

In Schrodinger's time, was it considered ethical to use live cats in physics experiments?

Well -- it was and it wasn't.

There is one spice i will never understand why people use it in their food

I mean who wants to eat something with Cumin there?

I used to have an addiction to ham.

But now I'm cured.

Why can’t a pterodactyl use the bathroom?

Because they’re dead, idiot!

A drill sergeant was drilling the recruit squad in the use of the rifle

Everything went smoothly until blank cartridges were distributed.

The recruits were instructed to load their pieces and stand at the ready, and then the sergeant gave the command:

"Fire at will!"

Private Lunn was puzzled. He lowered his gun.

"Which one is Wil...

At first I didn’t understand how to use my mind-controlled air freshener

But after thinking about it for a while, it finally made scents.

Hey dad, when should you use a condom?

"About nine months before you were born."

I used to get angry every time I see someone say “Trump 2020”.

If only I knew it was an expiration date.

I used to be a lifeguard at a public pool....

Until this blue kid got me fired.

So do you use Celsius or Fahrenheit?

"So do you use Celsius or Fahrenheit?"

"I use Melvin."

"You mean Kelvin?"

"Nah mate. Melvin. YO MELVIN! IS IT COLD OUTSIDE!?"

I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot

Now I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B

What did the peons at the jam factory say when asked if they needed to use the loo?

"No time for loos, sir,

'Cause we are the jam peons!"

When I was younger,I used to love making sandcastles with my grandmother

Until my mom started hiding the urn

What cheat code do you use to get into the Army?

Left, left, left, right, left

Just found out that I can't use a calculator for my exam

I was really counting on that

My dad advised me not to use my phone on the first date.

Imagine my frustration when she choked to death because I couldn't call an ambulance.

Putin steps away from the war room to use the restroom...

As he sits he hears alarms and red flashes fill the bunker. He hears his men running around and without hesitation he jumps up, pulls up his pants and runs our to see what the commotion is.

He asks the next in command the situation: "ICBM Mr President!"

Putin replies "I WAS IN A HURR...

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A teacher asks her students to use the word fascinate in a sentence.

First she calls on Sussy. "My dad and I went to the movies and we were fascinated!" Sussy says.
"Well that's pretty good, but I wanted you to use fascinate not fascinated."

So she calls on Mary next. "My family went to the zoo, and it was fascinating!" Mary says.
"That's not bad either,...

What kind of fuel does an X-ray machine use?

Unleaded

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandma used to tell us this joke. She’d say, “knock knock,” we’d say, “who’s there?”

Then she’d say “I can’t remember!” and start to cry. And we’d laugh and laugh to make her feel better, but she was shit at telling jokes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to smoke after sex, but I stopped.

Since I started using lube.

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What do elephants use as tampons?

Sheep.

Why do elephants have trunks?

Sheep don't have strings.

What type of car does a Mandalorian buy from the used car lot?

The Best Car.

What do you use to clean a pig?

Ham sanitizer

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'...

Teacher's pet gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."
“Well done, Roland," says the teacher, "can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie...

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do NOT use shampoo as lube

It will completely fuck with your car

Back when I played hockey, they used to call me "the Titanic."

I looked pretty good until I hit the ice.

I used to dance the Hokey Pokey compulsively

but then I turned myself around.

Fishermen hate him- You won't believe the one item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else

Click bait.

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[nsfw] Totally legit, but you can use a joke if you want to.

**Scene:** I was living in an apartment complex where all the bedroom windows faced into a small courtyard of sorts, walled on three sides with 3 stories of bedroom windows. None of the apartments in this complex have air-conditioning. It's close to midnight, December in Sydney AUS, it's a hot humid...

I used to run a dating service for chickens

but I was struggling to make hens meet

What takes many nails to build, but only one screw to use?

A crib.

A mom tells her young son to use a condom when doing the deed.

The son replies, “Mom, I’m only 15!”

The mom then says, “And I’m 30.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last week, after a one night stand with a woman, she had the gall to get up and use my toothbrush without even asking first. I told her, "That's disgusting!" She replied, "Well, we just had sex, so what's the big difference?"

I answered, "The difference is, I was gonna use the toothbrush again."

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