I named my eraser Confidence...

Because it gets smaller with every mistake I make

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little frisky. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her: “Honey, would you take me upstairs?”

Horrified, she replies: “Are you mad? My parents will see us!”

“Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?” he asks, grinning at her.

“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”

“Oh come on! There’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”


“No way. It’s just too ri...

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Women love a man brimming with confidence.

Because without that, what else is there to destroy?

Confidence

Is what you have before you fully understand a situation.

The symphony musicians had little confidence in the person brought in to be their new conductor...

Their fears were realized at the very first rehearsal. The cymbalist, realizing that the conductor did not know what he was doing, angrily clashed his instruments together during a delicate, soft passage. The music stopped. The conductor, highly agitated, looked angrily around the orchestra, demandi...

Self confidence boost didn't quite work so well

So me and my dad were talking about my school and he said:

"You're good at school but bad with self-confidence."

Me: "ok"

Dad: "Wayne Rooney was good at football (soccer for the Americans, I'm English) but bad at school

Stephen hawkings was good at being an astronomer bu...

What do you call a God without self-confidence?

An atheist

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A farmer wakes up to discover that his precious Alpine goat had died overnight.

Since he loved that goat very deeply, he decided to jump into the river by his house and commit suicide. Soon after, his wife woke up, and discovered his note. She too, followed in his steps and jumped into the river.

Their younger son woke up to find both of his parents dead, and seeing no ...

A Hawaii woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Hawaiian woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The California woodpecker accepted his challenge, and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.

The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecke...

I may not be smart, or attractive, or likeable, or rich.

But at least I don't have self-confidence issues.

A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He's very nervous and doesn't say much.

As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!
After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone.
The groom approaches the him ...

If having low confidence and low self-esteem was an Olympic sport...

I would probably get bronze.

You may laugh but this cheap hairpiece from Walmart has really helped my self-confidence.

It was a small price toupee.

What did God become when he lost his confidence?

An atheist, because he stopped believing in himself.

I went to the confidence store because I didnt have any confidence. So they gave me some confidence for $2500.

But I think they tricked me.

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Too much cock..

A man goes to a doctor claiming his speech impediment is effecting his life, no one will hire him, no females will talk to him, no one wants to be his friend because of the way he talks and something needs to be done. The doctor curiously looks into the situation.
“Turns out your penis is to...

Theresa May Survive Non-confidence vote...

...or she may not.

Thank you.

So Gary goes to prison...

One Friday, Gary is walking around the courtyard checking the place out, he notices a a huge group of the inmates gathered around in a circle. Curious, he walks up to group and asks someone what's happening.

"Every Friday we get together and tell jokes. We've got some good ones. Check it out...

I was attending a ceremony at a graphite convention, with multiple speakers. To my surprise, I was invited to give a speech of my own.

I took the microphone from one of the speakers. Oozing confidence, I shouted, “8B.”



The crowd erupted in applause. I handed the microphone back to the speaker and they told me,


“That was very bold of you to say.”

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A traveler walks into a bar in a foreign land...

He started up a conversation with a bar owner, Greg for confidence. Eventually they were talking about his business.

Greg: you see this bar? It took years to build this bar, to find every perfect piece of brick, to hone it into a perfect bar. But do they call me Greg the bar builder? No.
...

They say confidence is key...

... I guess that's why I'm always locked out.

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The boy with the wooden eye.

There was a poor kid in Highschool who only had one eye. He couldn't afford a glass eye so he had one made out of wood. The wooden eye looked terrible and he was very self-conscious about it.

Despite his appearance he always tried to score a date with the hottest girls in school. One day in ...

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A Jewish guy is walking out of the synagogue...

A Jewish guy [David] is walking out of the synagogue when he sees his friend Shmuley reading the paper just outside.

As he gets closer he sees he's reading a Neo-Nazi newspaper. In anger, he slaps the paper out of Shmuley's hands and starts screaming.

**David:** "What are you Meshugena...

So my 10 year old daughter asked me, “What’s the difference between Confidence and Confidential?”

Well I thought about it carefully and said “as I am your Dad, you are my daughter, of that I am Confident. Your friend Sally down the street is also my daughter, that is Confidential!”

A girl was arguing with her boyfriend.

"All my friends tell me stories about how their boyfriends take them for rides with Lamborghini's and Porsche's!" she told him. "Why don't you ever do something like that? You are boring as hell!"

The boy was very upset about this, but there wasn't much he could do. He had no car, no money to...

My car has no self-confidence.

It's been self-depreciating since the moment I took it off the lot!

TIL: Government officials can sometimes be removed from office with "a vote of no confidence"

Which is eerily similar to how many entered into office with "a vote of no competence"

I lacked confidence in my ability as a sheep shearer....until I started shearing female sheep....

Ewes make me feel like a natural woolman....

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Did you hear the story about Joe Shitter?

Did you hear the story about Joe Shitter? Poor schmuck was bullied for his name as far back as grade school. Everyone anticipated daily roll call just to hear the teacher call out his name and burst in uncontrolled laughter. Even the teachers giggled. It didn't end after school, he joined the army h...

I find my confidence always goes up after some basic carpentry...

...I'm pretty proud of myshelf

Ever since I got my left leg amputated, every girl has been avoiding me.

I got into a car accident a few years back and had my left leg amputated. Getting used to balancing myself on 1 leg and crutches took a lot of time. I felt that without my precious left leg, i would never be the same.

My confidence dropped severely, and the passion i had for all the things i ...

What do you call a lock with low self-confidence?

Insecure.

Flood joke from a catechism

Religious guy's town started flooding, and when the water reached his porch he started praying for help. Suddenly, a divine voice told him, "Bob, you are a good person, I have heard your prayers and I will save you!"

A few minutes later some woman in a small inflatable raft paddled by.
...

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I used to have confidence issues because of my learning disability.

Until someone told me I put the sexy in dyslexia.

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I've been doing a lot of DIY recently

But I have a hard time trusting anything to stay up;
My therapist says I have major shelf-confidence issues.

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