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Confidence Jokes

I named my eraser Confidence

Because it gets smaller after every mistake I make

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Women love a man brimming with confidence.

Because without that, what else is there to destroy?

If having low confidence and low self-esteem was an Olympic sport...

I would probably get bronze.

They say confidence is key...

... I guess that's why I'm always locked out.

What four words can completely destroy a man's confidence?

Is it in yet?

Finally mustered up the confidence to measure my peen

Thought it was 9 inches until I realized I was measuring with the wrong end of the ruler.

I don't have confidence or trust in elevators anymore

They always seem like they're up to something, but they also let me down quite often.

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A very poor man has very low self confidence...

because of his eye. He lost it years ago, and he can not afford to buy a glass eye. All he can afford is an eye made of wood. One day, his friend decides to try to help him up his self confidence by telling him about a party. The man is reluctant, but his friend insists. At the party, the man is sta...

The best thing about college is it forces you to have confidence

Like in highschool i never had the confidence to walk in front of a moving car.

My woman asked me “which one do you like best, my beautiful face or my gorgeous body?

To which I replied: “your self-confidence”

A group of professors were called and sat on a plane

When the doors closed and the plane was about to take off, all the professors were informed that the plane was made by their students. Then all the professors rushed towards the plane doors, trying to escape with the exception of one professor who remained seated with so much confidence and calmness...

Self confidence boost didn't quite work so well

So me and my dad were talking about my school and he said:

"You're good at school but bad with self-confidence."

Me: "ok"

Dad: "Wayne Rooney was good at football (soccer for the Americans, I'm English) but bad at school

Stephen hawkings was good at being an astronomer bu...

I was balding and losing confidence so I had a rabbit tattooed on my scalp.

People tell me, from a distance it looks like hare.

So my 10 year old daughter asked me, “What’s the difference between Confidence and Confidential?”

Well I thought about it carefully and said “as I am your Dad, you are my daughter, of that I am Confident. Your friend Sally down the street is also my daughter, that is Confidential!”

What do you call a God without self-confidence?

An atheist

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A group of Engineering professors were invited to fly in a plane.

Right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed the plane was built by their students.

All but one got off their seats and headed frantically to the exits in maniacal panic.

The one lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, was asked: “Why did you stay put?”...

A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He's very nervous and doesn't say much.

As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!

After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone.

The groom approache...

What do you call a lock with low self-confidence?

Insecure.

I find my confidence always goes up after some basic carpentry...

...I'm pretty proud of myshelf

I hate people with over-confidence

Edit: Thanks for the silver, gold, and platinum!

My car has no self-confidence.

It's been self-depreciating since the moment I took it off the lot!

The symphony musicians had little confidence in the person brought in to be their new conductor...

Their fears were realized at the very first rehearsal. The cymbalist, realizing that the conductor did not know what he was doing, angrily clashed his instruments together during a delicate, soft passage. The music stopped. The conductor, highly agitated, looked angrily around the orchestra, demandi...

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Everything is about confidence.

Many Engineering teachers were invited to a flight, after they all took seat they were told that the plane they were in was entirely built by their students, Every one of the teachers quickly panicked got up and tried to exit the plane desperately but one of them was quiet and appeased he said:
<...

You may laugh but this cheap hairpiece from Walmart has really helped my self-confidence.

It was a small price toupee.

What's the height of self confidence?

Farting when you have diarrhea.

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The Pope contracts a rare terminal illness.

The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation. After much debate and research, they determined that the only hope to save the Pope's life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the p...

I have absolute confidence in Jeff's Bezos rocket company Blue Origin

Jeff has already achieved good separation.

During this lockdown, please think of the confidence level and mental health of your companies IT person.

They have gone more then three months without being able to look you in the eye without smirking, while first turning your computer off and then on again, before accessing the admin profile to delete then add the wireless printer again so you can print your emails.

My friend told me I didnthave the confidence to farm rocks.

You should have seen the look on his face when I grew boulder.

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I used to have confidence issues because of my learning disability.

Until someone told me I put the sexy in dyslexia.

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You're going to need more of that confidence now.

A rich CEO flies his private jet across the country to get an appointment with the best gynecologist in the business.

"Doctor," he says, "I'm not happy with the state of my sex life, and I want to you to castrate me today."

The doctor is shocked and asks, "Oh my... Okay, have you thoug...

I finally got the confidence to be a peeping tom

For the longest time, I was just beating around the bush

What do you call the state of having confidence?

I'm sorry, it's confidential.

TIL: Government officials can sometimes be removed from office with "a vote of no confidence"

Which is eerily similar to how many entered into office with "a vote of no competence"

I lacked confidence in my ability as a sheep shearer....until I started shearing female sheep....

Ewes make me feel like a natural woolman....

So I went to a stable for a self confidence boost

I found myself surrounded by a bunch of neigh-sayers.

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A hunter gets a new gun...

So a hunter gets a new gun one day and decides to go hunting with it. He goes out into the woods and stumbles upon a nice-sized black bear, so he takes his gun and shoots the bear dead. Then he feels a tap on his shoulder...

The man turns around and sees this huge brown bear and the bear says...

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