Relied Jokes

So I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

He sees this tiny nerdy looking guy staring at his filled drink and decides he wants to mess with him. The Biker walks over takes the glass and slams the drink in one swig. At this the nerdy guy just starts bawling like a baby.


The Biker filled with remorse tells him to calm down an... read more

The doctor said "Your test results are in and I'm afraid it's not good news."

"Nonsense," replied the anti-vaxxer. "I don't trust your pharmaceutical industry. My entire life I relied on homeopathic remedies instead of medication, and the only diagnosis I accept is based on my horoscope."
... read more

Paddy asked who would and the preacher suggested that the Baptist church up the road would probably give the dog a funeral service. Paddy asked, "Preacher, do you think $5,000 would be enough payment for the dog's funeral?" The preacher relied, "Dearest Paddy, why didn't you tell me that your dog wa... read more

Naturally since they were both silent performers, their acts relied purely on physical humor. The night of the performance they were backstage comparing notes and discovered they had planned to do almost the same bits: man stuck in box; man pulling rope; man walking against the wind; etc.

I ... read more

The first said, "Mtn Dew, because he's always ready to mount 'n' do me"

The second said, "7up, because it may only be seven inches but it's always up"

The third said, "Jack Daniels"
I said, "But that's a hard liquor"
She relied, "Yes, and so is he"

St. Peter ran to God and said, "God, there are some low-life, thieving street gang members at the Gates. What do I do?"  

God relied, "Just do what you normally do with that type; redirect them."

St. Peter went back to carry out the order, and all of a sudden he went running back yelli... read more

One of the survivors, a worker from the factory, goes home to his wife
“Honey, there was a fire, the factory burned down and many of my coworkers died”
“That’s horrible!” She replied
“Tragic... The company is insuring the families of the deceased with hundreds of thousands of dollars”
<... read more

Able to lift twice the weight of anyone else around, he routinely boasted about how he was the greatest and everyone else was beneath him while drinking his huge container of protein shake.

One day, after seeing a new extremely attractive woman at the gym, he decided to show off some more by... read more

A protestant minister, a Catholic Priest, and a Rabbi were in a coffee shop arguing about whose religion is best. After hours of arguing, they agree to go into the woods and convert a bear. They would meet up in next week to see who won.

The next week, the Priest comes in to the coffee shop w... read more

He grew up as only a head, he relied on people to help him everywhere, or he would just roll around. Despite his unusual condition, he lived a happy, content life, but he longed to be normal just like everybody else.

One day, while rolling back home, he bumps into a bottle. The bottle falls t... read more

The oasis was a Jewish man who was selling ties. The man holds up a rack of colourful ties and says, "Hello, sir. May I interest you in purchasing a tie? They are normally ten dollars, but for you, sir, I will only charge five."

Having been wandering for days without a drop of water George... read more

Seamus and Mick found jobs at a sawmill when they arrived in America.

One morning after wetting his whistle, Mick slipped and sliced his arm clean off. Seamus quickly placed Mick's arm in a plastic bag and rushed him to the hospital. The next day, Seamus was shocked to see Mick back on the ... read more