I'm going to change my Facebook name to Benefits.

Now, when someone adds me on Facebook, it will say: you are now friends with Benefits.

Instead of IT people saying "friends with benefits"

they should say "plug and play"

Got offered a job today worth $80,000 with benefits working for the Brittle Bone Society.

Nearly snapped his hand off.

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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

This really hot chick in my apartment complex told me she wants us to be "friends with benefits".

Does anyone know where I can purchase a group health insurance plan?

Marcel Marceau and Charlie Chaplin were booked to perform at a benefit.

Naturally since they were both silent performers, their acts relied purely on physical humor. The night of the performance they were backstage comparing notes and discovered they had planned to do almost the same bits: man stuck in box; man pulling rope; man walking against the wind; etc.

I ...

One benefit of everyone staying at home is that teenage pregnancy is down

.





except in Alabama

COVID-19 has had one major unforeseen benefit for me

It’s finally socially acceptable to hold my breath when walking past an old person.

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Self deprecating romanian humor

Three explorers are caught by a savage tribe and brought before the chief. An american, a romanian and a russian.

chief says "we've had a good hunt so we won't eat you outright, but instead, for the tribe's benefit we will offer you three ways out: pay 100$, take a good beating or eat a bucke...

As soon as Don Cappelli and his thugs entered Mario’s restaurant

...all of the guests immediately stopped what they were doing and quietly left. Don Cappelli’s face was very well-known around the city, and while he was ‘saving’ business after business from going bankrupt and helping families at their time of need, nobody dared ask where his money came from, nor d...

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’s sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insur...

One benefit of living in a van.

You can go basically anywhere on house arrest.

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A joke my eight-year-old nephew told me...

Where do you stick your dick into a friend with benefits?

In her palvis.

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It’s World War II, just before dusk. And a Native American Code Talker named Grey Beaver was running for his life...

Author's note - Wrote this from memory. When you tell this joke in person, act out the stuff in brackets.

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_

It’s World War II, just before dusk. And a Native American Code Talker named Grey Beaver was running for his life from a German patrol. One of the benefi...

People say Elon Musk is a mad scientist. Do you think he relates to Dr. Jekyll?

Because I've always heard he benefited from having a part Hyde.

Yeasts reproduce by budding.

So can we say that they are buds with benefits?

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With the recent cuts to benefits all claims are being investigated, anything suspicious the claiments are invited in to explain.

In Chigwell Essex Tracey had her claim for 13 children flagged as suspicious, she went to the DWP to explain.

Benefits Advisor *“Tracey, I find it hard to believe you have 13 boys all the same name, doesn't it get confusing?”*

Tracey, *“Nah, its well easy, if they're out and I want t...

I was runner-up in a 10K race benefiting by my local Catholic church.

Sister Mary ended up placing first. We spoke after the race and she really complimented my running skills. Such a kind and humble lady. She said my ability was second to nun.

What is the benefit of having emo grass?

It cuts itself

Times are hard at the moment for people on disability benefits. I’ve got a friend who’s a dwarf..

...and he’s struggling to put food on the table

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

Boudreaux was called up to the Louisiana National Guard. Because he was a smooth talker the CO put him in charge of explaining benefits to new recruits.

After a week the CO noticed Boudreaux had a 100% sign up rate for supplemental insurance. Impressed, the CO sits in on one of Boudreaux’s sessions.

“If you boys goes to Afghanistan and you gets yoself kilt, the gubmint pays you benefishary $50,000. But if you gets the supplemental insurance, ...

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I was just invited to come to a benefit for legless women.

I hear the place is going to be crawling with pussy.

What natural disaster benefits China?

Blizzard

All my friends keep going on and on about the benefits of solar energy, but honestly.....

I’m more of a fan of wind.

Blizzard Entertainment will need to stop offering Dental benefits

All their employees are way too afraid to open their mouths

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Knock knock. "Who's there?" Pizza. "Pizza who?"

Pete's a fucking asshole. He promised me that he would cover my shifts during this outbreak, but apparently we weren't eligible for government benefits due to some shady shit in his past. So instead of handling it like a GOOD ~~manager~~ HUMAN BEING, he decides to double up my shifts. Which, of cour...

A man traveling in train meets scientist from NASA, ISRO, and CNSA.

After talking to them for a while, finding them willing to answer, being critical of investment in space, he asks NASA "why do you need billions of dollars for?
NASA replies "For the Benefit of All, our technologies trickle down to the military and civilians and then to the world".
He discus...

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I keep hearing about this benefit for female amputees

I have never been, but I hear it’s crawling with pussy

I have written a book about the benefits of suicide.

No reviews yet.

With the far right prescribing UV and sunlight for medical cures

They have finally seen the benefits of solar power.

Southern family trees are like palm trees...

No branches and the family members are fronds with benefits

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An old Greek man and an old Italian man are arguing. The Greek man says "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!"

The Italian says "Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!"

The Greek man says "We invented the Democracy!"

The Italian says "We realized the challenge of direct elections and the benefit of the legislature, and thus created the Republic!"

The Greek man says "...

A man finds a magic lamp.

You know the drill, he rubs the lamp, Genie pops out and says he can have 3 wishes. “But there’s a catch”, says the Genie. “I won’t grant any of your wishes until you are done making all 3”.

“Okay”, replies the man. He knows these things can go poorly so he deliberates for a bit before respon...

Johny's Mom Was Explaining Him The Benefits of Waking Early In The Morning.

"See", she said, "Those birds who wake early get most of the insects to eat."

"I understand Mom", replied Johnny, "But what happens to the insects who rise early?"

Why do amaricans eat like they have free healthcare?

Because the only way they'll get to retire before 75 is by disability benefits.

What’s the benefits of fingering a gypsy on her period

Yew get your palm read for free.

Every year I organize a patient-relative charity event to benefit Alzheimer’s research.

I tell the patients to invite their whole family but nobody ever shows up.

The local journalist heard about a man turning 100 years old who had never had any alcohol in his life.

The journalist decided to interview him to highlight the health benefits of abstaining.

On the day of the interview the journalist is led into the old man's house by his caregiver. The caregiver took him to the old man who was bedridden and hooked up to an oxygen tank.

"So you've never...

Little Debbie doesnt have a friend with benefits....

She has a Nutty Buddy

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I’ve found a new benefit of Viagra.

It keeps me from falling out of bed!

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A girl told me she wanted to be "just friends".

I said "Can we be friends with benefits?".

She said "So, you just want sex?".

I said "No, I want you to add me on your health insurance.".

Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die...

Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘

As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challe...

I enjoy one glass of wine each night for its health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and my flawless dance moves.

Benefits of being Homeless...

You don't get homework.

What is the benefit of dating a homeless girl?

You can drop her off anywhere.

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I like to masturbate twice a day for the health benefits.

The other three times are just for me.

For-profit healthcare is a great system that benefits patients and ensures higher quality care.

lul

I've heard many things about the benefits of probiotics, but I think they are too expensive . . .

So can anyone recommend any good amateur biotics?

My wife said I am giving all of the clothes I no longer wear to charity, I said just chuck them, she replied there are a lot of starving people in the world that can benefit from them, I replied.

Anyone that fits your clothes are definitely not starving.

What do you call an old friend with benefits

A finger blast from the past

Being a woman after puberty has some amazing benefits!

But the monthly subscription price is a real pain

Stranger: Good morning, Doctor. I just dropped in to tell you how much I benefited from your treatment.

Doctor: But you’re not one of my patients

Stranger: I know. But my Uncle Bill was, and I’m his heir.

What do you call a benefit 5k for Alzheimer’s?

A Walk to Remember?

Eating at McDonald's has plenty of health benefits.

For instance, it would prevent you from dying of old age.

The health benefits of vaping

Ever since I started vaping, my wife has been getting a lot less cigarette burns.

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I believe every therapist deserves full flight benefits with any airline.

They carry so much baggage.

After reading a recent study that found that the negative effects of alcohol greatly outweigh the benefits, I’ve decided it’s time for a change in my life.

I’ve decided to give up recent studies.

I’ve started telling everyone I know about the benefits of dried fruit.

It’s all about raisin awareness.

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I will be hosting a benefit for men who have problems ejaculating during intercourse tomorrow evening at 6:00.

If you can’t come, let me know.

One benefit to being in the KKK is their great dental plan-

\- it keeps them white.

What song do friends with benefits usually play?

You've got a friend in me.

Starting Salary.

,Reaching the end of a job interview, the interviewer asked a young engineer, "What starting salary were you thinking about?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a packag...

Stupid Overcomplicated euphemism jokes

1.

I’m a transaction manager for a multibillion dollar corporation

I work as a McDonald’s cashier

2.

“Mom there is a burglar in here”

“No kid I’m just an asset reallocation specialist”

3.

“So what do you do for a living?”

“I travel and driv...

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New HR policy

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduced budget, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.


Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase...

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee.

I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits."

He said, "Like what?"

I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon."

A drunk guy walks into a bar...

He says: "Bartender, Pour everyone here a drink, pour one for yourself and give me the bill."

The bartender does just that and hands him the bill. The drunk goes: "Oh I don't have enough money"

The bartender slaps him a few times and tosses him out.

The next day the same guy wal...

Engineers take a bow!

During the development of a new jet fighter aircraft the wings on the prototypes kept snapping off where they joined the fuselage. The test-pilots who only barely survived by ejecting in time were terrified. No amount of re-design seem to solve the problem, so the aircraft company in desperation off...

I was trying to think of all the benefits of moving to Switzerland...

I can definitely say that the flag is a big plus

It's tough living being on unemployment benefit.

Take my friend who's a dwarf for example, he's struggling to get food on the table...

In Vietnam, what do you call a situation where both parties benefit?

Nguyen Nguyen situation

An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
<...

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The benefits of good health insurance

Queen Elizabeth II is taking a tour of a state of the art hospital. About 15 minuets into her tour she see's a man masturbating in one of the rooms. "What is the meaning of this?" she yells out. The nurse guiding the tour says "He has a medical condition where semen builds up rapidly and if he doesn...

Girls hate it when you give them gifts implying that you will somehow benefit from them as well.

Take knee pads for example.

What's the main benefit of being black?

No ginger kids

I believe that marathons are bad. They are an excess; a perversion of healthy running. Running anything more than a few miles puts serious wear and tear on the joints without any benefit. Runners should be limited to no more than a 5k at the most, and marathons should be banned.

… and don't tell me that I'm just being racist.

Some say that there's no benefit in having a Y chromosome...

Actually, it makes a vas deferens.

A Glasgow girl goes to the Civic Center to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the civil servant?

"10" replies the girl.

"10???" says the civil servant.. "What are their names?"

"Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec and.....eh...Alec

"Doesn't that get confusing?" "

Naw..." says the girl "its great bec...

So the other day my friend asked me if living in Switzerland had any benefits...

I responded: "Well, the flag's a big plus."^I'll^see^myself^out.

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for my benefits...

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for my benefits.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would ...

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Apparently, ozone released into the anus is a form of "ozone therapy" and has health benefits.

It sounds to me that these people are just blowing smoke up their ass...

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I'm holding a benefit for people with erectile dysfunction or orgasm issues.

If you can't come, let me know.

Why do people clap at benefits?

They have applausable cause.

My Girlfriend thought we should get Friends With Benefits.

I dumped her, I can't stand Justin Timberlake.

There is an benefit to being friendzoned

It implies you have a friend.

A tribal artisan approache Mr. Narendra Modi, Prime minister of India with a proposal

Artisan : Mr. PM, Can I make a statue of yours in my tribal style?

PM: Ok, Please go ahead.

Artisan: Will I get any remuneration?

PM: I will give you 100,000 Indian Rupees for it.

Artisan was so happy, he worked hard and made a very beautiful statue of PM.

PM was v...

When two organisms mutually benefit, it's called "symbiosis"

When only one organism benefits, it's called "parasitism." When neither benefits, that's called "marriage."

Two professors of economics were walking down a road when they saw a dead rat.

The older one said - “If you eat this, I’ll pay you ₹10,000”. The younger one makes a quick cost-benefit analysis and finally eats the rat.

The younger professor experiences a bad after-taste and wants the older professor to experience the same. When he sees another dead rat on the road, he ...

A man has the opportunity to win a million dollars if he can cross lake Superior in a 16 foot sailboat...

The people sponsoring the challenge give the man two choices of what he can bring on the boat to assist him. He can either bring a large box of novels or two criminals. However, the people running the competition get to choose what the books are and who the criminals are.

The man realizes the...

Benefits of hairspray, who knew?

A young guy was driving down the road. He had been fired earlier that day, and his girlfriend had broken up with him just the day prior. While thinking of his predicament the young driver doesn't see the young rabbit in the road, and sadly hits the poor animal.

The young driver pulls over ru...

What does the south call friends with benefits?

Cousins.....

There are some benefits to having alzheimers

For example, you get to meet new people constantly.

A very energetic old woman is approached by a middle aged man.

The middle aged man says “Ma’am, pardon me, You look so fit for a woman at this age. I’m amazed! Do you mind if you share the secret?”

The woman replied, “Oh sure, nothing special” “I’m just living the life like most people here.. I’m a night person so I rarely sleep at night.. I smoke 3 pack...

What do brexit and an open relationship have in common?

They want all the benefits without the responsibilities.

Credit: a british comedian's ex

90s kids won't get this . . .

Social Security benefits.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A college student does a semester abroad, and lands in the Shetland Islands...[this one benefits from a fine Scots brogue!]

He's doing some research into a certain strain of peat that grows up there in the harsh, cold Shetland climate, and he takes a plane to a boat to a small plane to a ferry, and arrives around midnight.

And nobody is there. Nobody at the ferry pier, nobody in the streets. He finds the address o...

Sales pitch

Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

Before long the Captain in charge of the ind...

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