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Benefit Jokes

I'm going to change my Facebook name to Benefits.

Now, when someone adds me on Facebook, it will say: you are now friends with Benefits.

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A benefit of Charles III ascension to the throne

Once they change the picture on the money to the new King, Andrew won't have to tuck a picture of his mother into the G-strings of strippers.

People just don't see the benefits of working with fog

That's a lot of mist opportunities.

What is the benefit of dating a homeless girl?

You can drop her off anywhere.

What's the greatest benefit of a male-male relationship?

Double the income

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources officer asked a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “and what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, fourteen paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years? Say, a red Corvette?” The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow!! ...

Never eat the calamari at the free legal benefit

That's squid pro quo

What's the one piece of advice that would benefit both a tightrope walker and a guy getting a b.j. from an 85-year-old woman?

"Don't look down."

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stands in the back of the room and listens to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explains the...

What’s the biggest benefit of getting Covid?

You can’t taste your wife’s cooking

Too soon?

The benefits of F***ing

1.F***ing once a week is good for your health, but it's harmful if done every day.

2. F***ing relaxes your mind and body.

3. F***ing refreshes you.

4. After F***ing, don't eat too much; go for more liquids.

5. Try F***ing in bed 'cause it can save you valuable energy....

When you said “friends with benefits”…

… I assumed you offered a dental plan.

What is the benefit of being a test tube baby?

Having a womb with a view.

One benefit of living in a van.

You can go basically anywhere on house arrest.

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I was just invited to come to a benefit for legless women.

I hear the place is going to be crawling with pussy.

What do you call an Australian friend with benefits?

Your mate.

An American and a Soviet Russian were discussing the benefits of each country.

The American says "I like America because if I don't like the way things are going, I can walk into the White House, go up to the president's desk, and say 'Mr. President, I don't like the way you're running this country'
The Russian says "It's the same in the USSR! If I don't like the way thin...

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My Uncle invited me to a Benefit next weekend celebrating women without legs.

Said the place would be crawling with pussy.

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A Scouser walks into the local benefits office, walks up to the counter to collect his fortnightly giro and say's to the woman.

"You know something?
I just hate being on the dole, I'd really rather have a job".

The benefits worker behind the counter tells him.
"Your timing is excellent.
We have just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man.
He wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his nymphomani...

Getting old certainly has its benefits.

Every birthday party is a surprise birthday party when you reach 80 years of age.

90s kids won't get this . . .

Social Security benefits.

This really hot chick in my apartment complex told me she wants us to be "friends with benefits".

Does anyone know where I can purchase a group health insurance plan?

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I keep hearing about this benefit for female amputees

I have never been, but I hear it’s crawling with pussy

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognizing him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over...

One benefit of everyone staying at home is that teenage pregnancy is down

.





except in Alabama

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm... that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

I was telling my children about the health benefits of eating dried fruits recently

It's really all about raisin awareness.

With all the turmoil in the world, the US benefits from its two greatest allies...

The Atlantic and Pacific oceans.

Marcel Marceau and Charlie Chaplin were booked to perform at a benefit.

Naturally since they were both silent performers, their acts relied purely on physical humor. The night of the performance they were backstage comparing notes and discovered they had planned to do almost the same bits: man stuck in box; man pulling rope; man walking against the wind; etc.

I ...

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I gave my neighbor the benefit of the doubt when he said he'd stop hoarding stuff.

He won't give it back.

Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die...

Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘

As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challe...

I'm looking for a "friend with benefits"

Health Care at a minimum. Dental would be nice but not required.

A doctor, a lawyer, and a biologist are discussing the costs and benefits of having an affair.

The doctor says no one should ever have an affair. It creates too much anxiety and it's bad for your health.

The lawyer says it's OK to have an affair as long as you don't tell your wife. If you tell your wife, she might file for a divorce and it's bad for your pocketbook.

The biologis...

What natural disaster benefits China?

Blizzard

What do you call a benefit 5k for Alzheimer’s?

A Walk to Remember?

There is an benefit to being friendzoned

It implies you have a friend.

The health benefits of vaping

Ever since I started vaping, my wife has been getting a lot less cigarette burns.

One benefit to being in the KKK is their great dental plan-

\- it keeps them white.

A Glasgow girl goes to the Civic Center to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the civil servant?

"10" replies the girl.

"10???" says the civil servant.. "What are their names?"

"Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec and.....eh...Alec

"Doesn't that get confusing?" "

Naw..." says the girl "its great bec...

Every year I organize a patient-relative charity event to benefit Alzheimer’s research.

I tell the patients to invite their whole family but nobody ever shows up.

Did you hear about the U2 benefit concert?

It was pro bono.

Some say that there's no benefit in having a Y chromosome...

Actually, it makes a vas deferens.

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I like to masturbate twice a day for the health benefits.

The other three times are just for me.

In Vietnam, what do you call a situation where both parties benefit?

Nguyen Nguyen situation

What’s the benefits of fingering a gypsy on her period

Yew get your palm read for free.

A man has the opportunity to win a million dollars if he can cross lake Superior in a 16 foot sailboat...

The people sponsoring the challenge give the man two choices of what he can bring on the boat to assist him. He can either bring a large box of novels or two criminals. However, the people running the competition get to choose what the books are and who the criminals are.

The man realizes the...

What song do friends with benefits usually play?

You've got a friend in me.

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I'm holding a benefit for people with erectile dysfunction or orgasm issues.

If you can't come, let me know.

Blizzard Entertainment will need to stop offering Dental benefits

All their employees are way too afraid to open their mouths

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The benefits of good health insurance

Queen Elizabeth II is taking a tour of a state of the art hospital. About 15 minuets into her tour she see's a man masturbating in one of the rooms. "What is the meaning of this?" she yells out. The nurse guiding the tour says "He has a medical condition where semen builds up rapidly and if he doesn...

I enjoy one glass of wine each night for its health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and my flawless dance moves.

Benefits of hairspray, who knew?

A young guy was driving down the road. He had been fired earlier that day, and his girlfriend had broken up with him just the day prior. While thinking of his predicament the young driver doesn't see the young rabbit in the road, and sadly hits the poor animal.

The young driver pulls over ru...

Being a woman after puberty has some amazing benefits!

But the monthly subscription price is a real pain

Eating at McDonald's has plenty of health benefits.

For instance, it would prevent you from dying of old age.

TIL: The actor Herve Villechaize (Tattoo from Fantasy Island) gave almost his entire fortune to benefit others that also suffered from dwarfism.

After amassing several million dollars from his role on the famed TV show ('77-'84) and from his role as Nick Nack in The Man With the Golden Gun, Herve dedicated his life to charitable causes that would benefit other "little people". Understanding that they had special needs, he self-funded a hous...

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I will be hosting a benefit for men who have problems ejaculating during intercourse tomorrow evening at 6:00.

If you can’t come, let me know.

Johny's Mom Was Explaining Him The Benefits of Waking Early In The Morning.

"See", she said, "Those birds who wake early get most of the insects to eat."

"I understand Mom", replied Johnny, "But what happens to the insects who rise early?"

For-profit healthcare is a great system that benefits patients and ensures higher quality care.

lul

Why do people clap at benefits?

They have applausable cause.

Got offered a job today worth $80,000 with benefits working for the Brittle Bone Society.

Nearly snapped his hand off.

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I believe every therapist deserves full flight benefits with any airline.

They carry so much baggage.

Girls hate it when you give them gifts implying that you will somehow benefit from them as well.

Take knee pads for example.

My Girlfriend thought we should get Friends With Benefits.

I dumped her, I can't stand Justin Timberlake.

What are the benefits of living in Switzerland?

Well the flag is a big plus.

What does the south call friends with benefits?

Cousins.....

There are some benefits to having alzheimers

For example, you get to meet new people constantly.

All my friends keep going on and on about the benefits of solar energy, but honestly.....

I’m more of a fan of wind.

Times are hard at the moment for people on disability benefits. I’ve got a friend who’s a dwarf..

...and he’s struggling to put food on the table

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Yo mama is so dumb...

...She refused to give your dad a blowjob because she thought he'd lose his unemployment benefit.

Stranger: Good morning, Doctor. I just dropped in to tell you how much I benefited from your treatment.

Doctor: But you’re not one of my patients

Stranger: I know. But my Uncle Bill was, and I’m his heir.

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With the recent cuts to benefits all claims are being investigated, anything suspicious the claiments are invited in to explain.

In Chigwell Essex Tracey had her claim for 13 children flagged as suspicious, she went to the DWP to explain.

Benefits Advisor *“Tracey, I find it hard to believe you have 13 boys all the same name, doesn't it get confusing?”*

Tracey, *“Nah, its well easy, if they're out and I want t...

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for my benefits...

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for my benefits.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would ...

I've heard many things about the benefits of probiotics, but I think they are too expensive . . .

So can anyone recommend any good amateur biotics?

On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration...

"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't...

I asked my boss for a raise and full-benefits package.

But before I knew it, she was going down on me.

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Apparently, ozone released into the anus is a form of "ozone therapy" and has health benefits.

It sounds to me that these people are just blowing smoke up their ass...

Three pastors were discussing how they decide how much of the contribution of believers is allocated to God and to the activities of the church, and how much of it is for their personal benefits.

The first said: “it is simple, I just put everything on the table, close my eyes, and prays. After the prayer, I toss everything in the air, whatever lands on the table is for God, and whatever falls on the floor is for my personal use. The second said: “instead of a table, I draw a circle around ...

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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

Jesus walks into a bar and says "who will buy me a beer" the guy with the 1 eye walks over and buys him a beer..Jesus raises his hand and touches the guys eye healing it instantly! he then asks for another beer..an old veteran paralyzed from the chest down rolls over to him and says

Ill buy your next beer Jesus..once again Jesus raises his hand to heal the veteran and the veteran screams
"NO JESUS DON'T!!!! IM ON THE DISABILITY BENEFIT!"

A man goes to fill his retirement documents.

Comes home really happy.

His wife asks:

**Wife**: Hey, why such a smile on your face?

**Husband**: Can you imagine? They refused to believe there that I am old enough to get a pension. In the end, I opened my shirt and showed them the white hair on my chest, only then did they b...

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