This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My band is hosting a benefit concert for women with no legs.

The place will be crawling with pussy.

Little Debbie doesnt have a friend with benefits....

She has a Nutty Buddy

I've heard many things about the benefits of probiotics, but I think they are too expensive . . .

So can anyone recommend any good amateur biotics?

Benefits of being Homeless...

You don't get homework.

Johny's Mom Was Explaining Him The Benefits of Waking Early In The Morning.

"See", she said, "Those birds who wake early get most of the insects to eat."

"I understand Mom", replied Johnny, "But what happens to the insects who rise early?"

My wife said I am giving all of the clothes I no longer wear to charity, I said just chuck them, she replied there are a lot of starving people in the world that can benefit from them, I replied.

Anyone that fits your clothes are definitely not starving.

What do you call a benefit 5k for Alzheimer’s?

A Walk to Remember?

I enjoy one glass of wine each night for its health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and my flawless dance moves.

What’s the benefits of fingering a gypsy on her period

Yew get your palm read for free.

Eating at McDonald's has plenty of health benefits.

For instance, it would prevent you from dying of old age.

Boudreaux was called up to the Louisiana National Guard. Because he was a smooth talker the CO put him in charge of explaining benefits to new recruits.

After a week the CO noticed Boudreaux had a 100% sign up rate for supplemental insurance. Impressed, the CO sits in on one of Boudreaux’s sessions.

“If you boys goes to Afghanistan and you gets yoself kilt, the gubmint pays you benefishary $50,000. But if you gets the supplemental insurance, ...

The health benefits of vaping

Ever since I started vaping, my wife has been getting a lot less cigarette burns.

I’ve started telling everyone I know about the benefits of dried fruit.

It’s all about raisin awareness.

I believe every therapist deserves full flight benefits with any airline.

They carry so much baggage.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I like to masturbate twice a day for the health benefits.

The other three times are just for me.

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones expl...

For-profit healthcare is a great system that benefits patients and ensures higher quality care.

lul

After reading a recent study that found that the negative effects of alcohol greatly outweigh the benefits, I’ve decided it’s time for a change in my life.

I’ve decided to give up recent studies.

One benefit to being in the KKK is their great dental plan-

\- it keeps them white.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I will be hosting a benefit for men who have problems ejaculating during intercourse tomorrow evening at 6:00.

If you can’t come, let me know.

What is the benefit of dating a homeless girl?

You can drop her off anywhere.

What song do friends with benefits usually play?

You've got a friend in me.

In Vietnam, what do you call a situation where both parties benefit?

Nguyen Nguyen situation

I was trying to think of all the benefits of moving to Switzerland...

I can definitely say that the flag is a big plus

Girls hate it when you give them gifts implying that you will somehow benefit from them as well.

Take knee pads for example.

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before."

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

Me and my best friend share an Amazon Prime account so we can reap the benefits..

I guess that makes us

###Friends With benefits

I believe that marathons are bad. They are an excess; a perversion of healthy running. Running anything more than a few miles puts serious wear and tear on the joints without any benefit. Runners should be limited to no more than a 5k at the most, and marathons should be banned.

… and don't tell me that I'm just being racist.

Some say that there's no benefit in having a Y chromosome...

Actually, it makes a vas deferens.

90s kids won't get this...

Social Security benefits.

What's the main benefit of being black?

No ginger kids

Why do people clap at benefits?

They have applausable cause.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Apparently, ozone released into the anus is a form of "ozone therapy" and has health benefits.

It sounds to me that these people are just blowing smoke up their ass...

Just changed my Facebook name to ‘benefits’

so when you add me it says ‘You are now friends with benefits’.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The benefits of good health insurance

Queen Elizabeth II is taking a tour of a state of the art hospital. About 15 minuets into her tour she see's a man masturbating in one of the rooms. "What is the meaning of this?" she yells out. The nurse guiding the tour says "He has a medical condition where semen builds up rapidly and if he doesn...

The Blonde Nun

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.


"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend...

There is an benefit to being friendzoned

It implies you have a friend.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for my benefits...

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for my benefits.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would ...

A woman joins the army....

A woman was walking through a store when she noticed a colorful flyer pinned to a billboard. It reads:

JOIN THE ARMY NOW! You will receive benefits such as:
• Free college education
• Many veteran benefits
• Experience in many fields of work
• Travel
• Any free car after a sp...

So the other day my friend asked me if living in Switzerland had any benefits...

I responded: "Well, the flag's a big plus."^I'll^see^myself^out.

When two organisms mutually benefit, it's called "symbiosis"

When only one organism benefits, it's called "parasitism." When neither benefits, that's called "marriage."

Sales pitch

Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

Before long the Captain in charge of the ind...

My Girlfriend thought we should get Friends With Benefits.

I dumped her, I can't stand Justin Timberlake.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm hosting a benefit for people who struggle, to reach orgasm.

Let me know if you can't come

A man finds a genie in a bottle…

Naturally, he was granted 3 wishes. But this was no ordinary ‘Genie In A Bottle’ - his requirements are that whatever the beholder wishes for, his mother-in-law got double. Although he despised his mother-in-law (and likewise with her feelings towards him), he knew made the best of this situation....

You are now fish!

Catholics don't eat meat during the 40 days of lent. Now it so happened a Muslim carpenter moved into a catholic area. Now this guy loved his barbeque and he'd be out in his garden almost daily to enjoy his afternoon feast. Now lent started and the smoky smell wafting from his garden had many people...

There are some benefits to having alzheimers

For example, you get to meet new people constantly.

Benefits of hairspray, who knew?

A young guy was driving down the road. He had been fired earlier that day, and his girlfriend had broken up with him just the day prior. While thinking of his predicament the young driver doesn't see the young rabbit in the road, and sadly hits the poor animal.

The young driver pulls over ru...

A Glasgow girl goes to the Civic Center to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the civil servant?

"10" replies the girl.

"10???" says the civil servant.. "What are their names?"

"Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec and.....eh...Alec

"Doesn't that get confusing?" "

Naw..." says the girl "its great bec...

What does the south call friends with benefits?

Cousins.....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So Lisa said she wanted to be friends with benefits

Where's my dental plan, you slut?

(source, college humor)

Getting friends with benefits is easy

If you hang around the welfare centre long enough you're sure to meet a few nice people.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A college student does a semester abroad, and lands in the Shetland Islands...[this one benefits from a fine Scots brogue!]

He's doing some research into a certain strain of peat that grows up there in the harsh, cold Shetland climate, and he takes a plane to a boat to a small plane to a ferry, and arrives around midnight.

And nobody is there. Nobody at the ferry pier, nobody in the streets. He finds the address o...

A man has the opportunity to win a million dollars if he can cross lake Superior in a 16 foot sailboat...

The people sponsoring the challenge give the man two choices of what he can bring on the boat to assist him. He can either bring a large box of novels or two criminals. However, the people running the competition get to choose what the books are and who the criminals are.

The man realizes the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mafia Lawyer

A Mafia godfather finds out his bookkeeper has screwed him for 10 million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit and why he got the job in the first place as it was assumed a deaf bookkeeper wouldn’t be able to hear anything he’d ever have to testify about in cou...

When I was young, at bedtimes...

My mum used to tell me fairy stories with a happy ending. Just one of the
benefits of having a masseuse as a parent I guess.

What do you call friend who works for an insurance company?

A friend with benefits

​

I'll leave now

Three sons having a discussion...

Three sons left home to make their fortunes, and they all did very, very well for themselves. They got together recently and were discussing what they each had done to benefit their aging mother.

"Well," said the first one, "I bought Mom a huge house in Beverly Hills."

"I bought her a ...

#MeToo seems a little inappropriate

How does a movement against rape benefit from saying "Pound me too"

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-week strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife

Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.


The unrest began last Tuesday, when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death, would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in rec...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I thought I'd try Viagra

I thought I'd try Viagra to see if I could benefit from them so I went to my local chemist thinking I may need a prescription.
"Can I get it over the counter?" I asked.
"Well", replied the young lady assistant, "You might if you take two".

Obama, Oprah, Trump and a little girl are on a plane. The engines fail...

... the pilots have already parachuted out the plane. The four mentioned are the only ones remaining on the plane. But there are only three parachutes.

Oprah quickly steps forward and says to the little girl; "I'm taking a parachute. I'll build a school for girls in your honour, it'll benefi...

I hate hypocrisy.

Except when it benefits me.

My roommate got a job with health insurance.

Now I finally know what it feels like to be in a friends with benefits situation.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm proud to say that I have never been caught masturbating in my entire life.

That's just one of the benefits of living in a home for the deaf and blind.

A wealthy man dies and gives his friends $10,000 each

The man wanted his friends, a minister, a United Way executive, and a lawyer, to put the $10,000 into his grave. The man wanted nothing more than to be surrounded by his money forever. At the funeral, each person placed an envelope into the casket.

Later that night, the three started talking...

Philanthropic lawyer

There was a hotshot New York lawyer who got call from Save the Children foundation.
Caller: Sir, we are aware that you are one of the top lawyers in New York and earn millions of dollars a month.
Lawyer: That's right. So what?
Caller: Sir, we are working for the benefit of destitute childre...

A Man is in an Awful Car Accident [Long]

A man is in an awful car accident - so bad, that he is literally, well, decapitated.

​

Thanks to the miracle of science, however, his body was no longer needed, and his head was attached to a bionic system which made him stronger, faster, and he would live longer with it....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I want to live my next life backwards....

You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat.

Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.

When you are kicked out of the home for being too healthy, you spend several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks.

When you sta...

Are you a world war?

Because I'm Switzerland and I want to ignore you for 6 years, yet still reap the benefits

The lead singer of Smash Mouth is up late with a friend.

The lead singer of Smash Mouth is up late with a friend. His wife's not home; the past few nights she's returned past midnight with increasingly elaborate alibis. He's getting frustrated; he loves her, but he's not sure he can keep giving her the benefit of the doubt. His friend asks what he's go...

A resignation letter to my boss

I have enjoyed working here these past several years. You have paid me very well and given me benefits beyond belief. Have 3-4 months off per year and a pension plan that will pay my salary till the day I die and then pay my estate one year salary death bonus and then continue to pay my spouse my ...

Chegg Serial Killer

(I originally posted this on /r/JokeShop, and am still very open to improvements.)

I messed up badly, and I want to share my story.

A few years ago, I was offered a dream job at my school's career fair. Great company, great pay, great benefits, just great all around. There was only one...

job interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A blonde and a brunette are on an elevator when...

... a handsome young man enters on the next floor. He is absolutely stunning and both women are enamored. He smiles politely at them and selects his floor, turning around to face the door in process. That is when both ladies noticed he had a horrible case of dandruff.

The brunette whispers t...