UPJOKE
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A Scouser walks into the local benefits office, walks up to the counter to collect his fortnightly giro and say's to the woman.

"You know something?
I just hate being on the dole, I'd really rather have a job".

The benefits worker behind the counter tells him.
"Your timing is excellent.
We have just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man.
He wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his nymphomani...

A really hot gal in my apartment complex said she wanted us to be "friends with benefits"

Does anyone know where I can get a group health insurance plan?

One of the benefits of having memory loss

I can watch as many horror movies I want and still be able to go to the bathroom at 3 am alone

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognizing him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over...

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I’m conducting a seminar to discuss my research into the benefits masturbation provides to the brains ability to process and remember new information.

Come to know more.

With all the turmoil in the world, the US benefits from its two greatest allies...

The Atlantic and Pacific oceans.

A doctor, a lawyer, and a biologist are discussing the costs and benefits of having an affair.

The doctor says no one should ever have an affair. It creates too much anxiety and it's bad for your health.

The lawyer says it's OK to have an affair as long as you don't tell your wife. If you tell your wife, she might file for a divorce and it's bad for your pocketbook.

The biologis...

Jesus walks into a bar and says "who will buy me a beer" the guy with the 1 eye walks over and buys him a beer..Jesus raises his hand and touches the guys eye healing it instantly! he then asks for another beer..an old veteran paralyzed from the chest down rolls over to him and says

Ill buy your next beer Jesus..once again Jesus raises his hand to heal the veteran and the veteran screams
"NO JESUS DON'T!!!! IM ON THE DISABILITY BENEFIT!"

What do you call an Australian friend with benefits?

Your mate.

An American and a Soviet Russian were discussing the benefits of each country.

The American says "I like America because if I don't like the way things are going, I can walk into the White House, go up to the president's desk, and say 'Mr. President, I don't like the way you're running this country'
The Russian says "It's the same in the USSR! If I don't like the way thin...

What is the benefit of being a test tube baby?

Having a womb with a view.

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

The benefits of F***ing

1.F***ing once a week is good for your health, but it's harmful if done every day.

2. F***ing relaxes your mind and body.

3. F***ing refreshes you.

4. After F***ing, don't eat too much; go for more liquids.

5. Try F***ing in bed 'cause it can save you valuable energy....

A guy walks into a bar and says “Give me a shot of your finest Whiskey, and pour one for yourself on me!”

The bartender is surprised but pleased, so he pours two shots of the most expensive Scotch in the house.

They toast and drink up. After a few moments the man gets up and walks towards the door without paying. The bartender chases after him and says “hey what’s the big idea?! You haven’t paid...

I was telling my children about the health benefits of eating dried fruits recently

It's really all about raisin awareness.

62-year old Walter was in Dr. Miller's exam room for his annual checkup...

As the exam came to a close the doctor asked if Walter had any other questions about his health.

"Well, Doc, I've gained a bit more weight in the midsection, y'see, and, uh, when I look down I...well..I can't see the ol' captain anymore, if you know what I mean. What do you recommend?"
...

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Two American business men in the 1980s are visiting Tokyo, Japan to make a business deal with an electronics company

Sadly the CEO (Mr. Yamoto) had an unexpected issue to deal with at one of his factories and couldn't see the men that day, but had his COO (Mr. Hagino) not only invite the two Americans to join them for a round of golf the next day to discuss business, but also to show them around and keep them ent...

Follow the rules

A large corporation with expansive grounds interviewed a tribe of reformed cannibals for the outdoor maintenance positions. During the interview process, they were told, "You'll receive full benefits as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody, which would result in immediate dismissal and c...

What’s the biggest benefit of getting Covid?

You can’t taste your wife’s cooking

Too soon?

What's the greatest benefit of a male-male relationship?

Double the income

Cohen Nails

Old man Cohen had immigrated to America and achieved the dream.

He started his own successful nail company. There are two kinds of people he felt, those who built the world and those who just benefited from it. So he was worried about his son as he handed over the business on retiring.
<...

A Plum Assignment

Corporal Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Major Smith noticed that Corporal Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recrui...

On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration...

"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't...

Getting old certainly has its benefits.

Every birthday party is a surprise birthday party when you reach 80 years of age.

Three pastors were discussing how they decide how much of the contribution of believers is allocated to God and to the activities of the church, and how much of it is for their personal benefits.

The first said: “it is simple, I just put everything on the table, close my eyes, and prays. After the prayer, I toss everything in the air, whatever lands on the table is for God, and whatever falls on the floor is for my personal use. The second said: “instead of a table, I draw a circle around ...

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My Uncle invited me to a Benefit next weekend celebrating women without legs.

Said the place would be crawling with pussy.

I'm going to change my Facebook name to Benefits.

Now, when someone adds me on Facebook, it will say: you are now friends with Benefits.

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I gave my neighbor the benefit of the doubt when he said he'd stop hoarding stuff.

He won't give it back.

Faithful Wife

On the occasion of their 50th Anniversary, a man asked his wife, "Honey, you have been with me through thick and thin, and gave me constant love and support, however I just have to know whether you have actually been faithful to me all this time."

To which the wife replies, "To be honest, I h...

In Soviet Russia...

Sanctions benefit you.

Greek vs. Italian

Two old men are arguing about the history and the splendors of Athens and Rome.

The Greek man says "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!"

The Italian says "Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!"

The Greek...

One benefit of everyone staying at home is that teenage pregnancy is down

.





except in Alabama

COVID-19 has had one major unforeseen benefit for me

It’s finally socially acceptable to hold my breath when walking past an old person.

One benefit of living in a van.

You can go basically anywhere on house arrest.

Joe works as a newspaper delivery man.

He likes his job, but holds a low opinion of the newspaper he works for. He thinks they are sensationalist and have a poor standard of writing. Still, the job pays well and has good benefits, so he tries not to think about it.

One day a man visits the newspaper's office and asks if they have ...

What is the benefit of dating a homeless girl?

You can drop her off anywhere.

Marcel Marceau and Charlie Chaplin were booked to perform at a benefit.

Naturally since they were both silent performers, their acts relied purely on physical humor. The night of the performance they were backstage comparing notes and discovered they had planned to do almost the same bits: man stuck in box; man pulling rope; man walking against the wind; etc.

I ...

Two professors of Entire Economics were walking down a road when they saw a dead rat

The older one said - “If you eat this, I’ll pay you $10,000”. The younger one makes a quick cost-benefit analysis and eats the rat.

The younger professor experiences a bad after-taste and wants the older professor to experience the same. Suddenly he sees another dead rat on the road and dare...

Cannibals

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity. "You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees....

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I keep hearing about this benefit for female amputees

I have never been, but I hear it’s crawling with pussy

TIL: The actor Herve Villechaize (Tattoo from Fantasy Island) gave almost his entire fortune to benefit others that also suffered from dwarfism.

After amassing several million dollars from his role on the famed TV show ('77-'84) and from his role as Nick Nack in The Man With the Golden Gun, Herve dedicated his life to charitable causes that would benefit other "little people". Understanding that they had special needs, he self-funded a hous...

I'm looking for a "friend with benefits"

Health Care at a minimum. Dental would be nice but not required.

The gloves come off at home.

It's one of the benefits of being married to a proctologist.

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I’ve found a new benefit of Viagra.

It keeps me from falling out of bed!

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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

Got offered a job today worth $80,000 with benefits working for the Brittle Bone Society.

Nearly snapped his hand off.

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I will be hosting a benefit for men who have problems ejaculating during intercourse tomorrow evening at 6:00.

If you can’t come, let me know.

My wife said I am giving all of the clothes I no longer wear to charity, I said just chuck them, she replied there are a lot of starving people in the world that can benefit from them, I replied.

Anyone that fits your clothes are definitely not starving.

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So, a frog walks into a bank...

A well dressed frog with a briefcase and dark shades walks into a bank and sits down at a desk. The clerk is a bit shocked to see a frog in a suit and tie but, being professional, asks the frog how me can help him.


"Umm, hello sir, My name is Patty, how can I help you today?"
"I ne...

Every year I organize a patient-relative charity event to benefit Alzheimer’s research.

I tell the patients to invite their whole family but nobody ever shows up.

What do you call a benefit 5k for Alzheimer’s?

A Walk to Remember?

Statistically speaking, active people are less likely to be demonically possessed than sedentary people.

This is one of the benefits of exorcising regularly.

One benefit to being in the KKK is their great dental plan-

\- it keeps them white.

Times are hard at the moment for people on disability benefits. I’ve got a friend who’s a dwarf..

...and he’s struggling to put food on the table

A Glasgow girl goes to the Civic Center to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the civil servant?

"10" replies the girl.

"10???" says the civil servant.. "What are their names?"

"Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec and.....eh...Alec

"Doesn't that get confusing?" "

Naw..." says the girl "its great bec...

What’s the benefits of fingering a gypsy on her period

Yew get your palm read for free.

For-profit healthcare is a great system that benefits patients and ensures higher quality care.

lul

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I like to masturbate twice a day for the health benefits.

The other three times are just for me.

Johny's Mom Was Explaining Him The Benefits of Waking Early In The Morning.

"See", she said, "Those birds who wake early get most of the insects to eat."

"I understand Mom", replied Johnny, "But what happens to the insects who rise early?"

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With the recent cuts to benefits all claims are being investigated, anything suspicious the claiments are invited in to explain.

In Chigwell Essex Tracey had her claim for 13 children flagged as suspicious, she went to the DWP to explain.

Benefits Advisor *“Tracey, I find it hard to believe you have 13 boys all the same name, doesn't it get confusing?”*

Tracey, *“Nah, its well easy, if they're out and I want t...

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I'm holding a benefit for people with erectile dysfunction or orgasm issues.

If you can't come, let me know.

I enjoy one glass of wine each night for its health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and my flawless dance moves.

What natural disaster benefits China?

Blizzard

In Vietnam, what do you call a situation where both parties benefit?

Nguyen Nguyen situation

All my friends keep going on and on about the benefits of solar energy, but honestly.....

I’m more of a fan of wind.

Girls hate it when you give them gifts implying that you will somehow benefit from them as well.

Take knee pads for example.

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I used to sell vacuum cleaners door to door and do demonstrations by appointment. Seriously I did.

I had an appointment to demonstrate a machine at a home in a rural area. The house looked rough and as I walked to the door carrying all my demonstration equipment, a big mangy dog with a matted eye crowded me and followed me to the house.

I rang the bell and the lady let me in and the stupi...

A friend recommended contrast hot / cold shower

So I tried it. Don't see any health benefits yet but I have become easier to peel.

Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die...

Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘

As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challe...

The warden only allowed boys who did a good deed that day to eat supper in the hostel dining room.



During their induction she taught them what were considered good deeds - running an errand for someone, helping an old lady cross the road, teaching other students things they don't understand and the like are examples of good deeds and should be rewarded, she explained.

The young bo...

Some say that there's no benefit in having a Y chromosome...

Actually, it makes a vas deferens.

I believe that marathons are bad. They are an excess; a perversion of healthy running. Running anything more than a few miles puts serious wear and tear on the joints without any benefit. Runners should be limited to no more than a 5k at the most, and marathons should be banned.

… and don't tell me that I'm just being racist.

When two organisms mutually benefit, it's called "symbiosis"

When only one organism benefits, it's called "parasitism." When neither benefits, that's called "marriage."

Blizzard Entertainment will need to stop offering Dental benefits

All their employees are way too afraid to open their mouths

Stranger: Good morning, Doctor. I just dropped in to tell you how much I benefited from your treatment.

Doctor: But you’re not one of my patients

Stranger: I know. But my Uncle Bill was, and I’m his heir.

There is an benefit to being friendzoned

It implies you have a friend.

I've heard many things about the benefits of probiotics, but I think they are too expensive . . .

So can anyone recommend any good amateur biotics?

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I wish -

### A man walks into a bar with a donkey and an ostrich.

He sits down at the counter and asks for a beer.


“That will be 5.98$, sir.”, the bartender says.


The man, puts his hand into his pocket and pulls out 5 dollars and 98 cents in exact change.


“How mu...

Benefits of being Homeless...

You don't get homework.

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I believe every therapist deserves full flight benefits with any airline.

They carry so much baggage.

What song do friends with benefits usually play?

You've got a friend in me.

I've really enjoyed the benefits of wife swapping recently...

Got a brand new motorbike for her yesterday

Eating at McDonald's has plenty of health benefits.

For instance, it would prevent you from dying of old age.

I was trying to think of all the benefits of moving to Switzerland...

I can definitely say that the flag is a big plus

Being a woman after puberty has some amazing benefits!

But the monthly subscription price is a real pain

The health benefits of vaping

Ever since I started vaping, my wife has been getting a lot less cigarette burns.

Did you hear about the U2 benefit concert?

It was pro bono.

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The benefits of good health insurance

Queen Elizabeth II is taking a tour of a state of the art hospital. About 15 minuets into her tour she see's a man masturbating in one of the rooms. "What is the meaning of this?" she yells out. The nurse guiding the tour says "He has a medical condition where semen builds up rapidly and if he doesn...

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Self deprecating romanian humor

Three explorers are caught by a savage tribe and brought before the chief. An american, a romanian and a russian.

chief says "we've had a good hunt so we won't eat you outright, but instead, for the tribe's benefit we will offer you three ways out: pay 100$, take a good beating or eat a bucke...

So the other day my friend asked me if living in Switzerland had any benefits...

I responded: "Well, the flag's a big plus."^I'll^see^myself^out.

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[OC] I came up with it on the toilet

My personal trainer told me eat healthy like he does. I eat healthy, but not like him. He eats super clean and that is hard for me. I asked him what would be the benefit for me? He said he eats so clean he doesn’t even have to poop anymore.

I think he’s full of crap.

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for my benefits...

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for my benefits.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would ...

My Girlfriend thought we should get Friends With Benefits.

I dumped her, I can't stand Justin Timberlake.

Benefits of hairspray, who knew?

A young guy was driving down the road. He had been fired earlier that day, and his girlfriend had broken up with him just the day prior. While thinking of his predicament the young driver doesn't see the young rabbit in the road, and sadly hits the poor animal.

The young driver pulls over ru...

Palm trees don’t provide much shade

That’s why they’re fronds without benefits.

What does the south call friends with benefits?

Cousins.....

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