If you had the ability to infect a single person with COVID-19, who would it be?

And who would be the next president?

People keep telling me the fact I lost my ability to smell could be due to Corona and I should get tested.

That's nonsense, I think it's due to the frequent washing.

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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightily over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

"...

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My wife thinks her ability to tie a cherry stem into a knot with her tongue is cool

but as a man with a cherry-stem-sized penis I'm horrified.

Why was the girl amazed at her ability to get pregnant from the world's smallest man?

Because she didn't know she had it in her.

My teacher said “we have the ability to clone we just don’t know what kind of rights they should have.”

I simply replied “copyright”

Did you know turtles have the ability to understand puns?

I wish they would have tortoise that in school.

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I was telling a woman about my ability to guess the day she was born just by feeling her breasts.

“Really,” she said, “go ahead and try.” After about thirty seconds of fondling, she began to lose patience and said, “Come on, tell me what day I was born?” I said, “Yesterday.”

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The sight of a woman's cleavage reduces a man's ability to think clearly by 50 %

Per boob.

I have the ability to tell someone's dominant hand just by looking at them

Nine times out of ten, it's right.

A man asks an atheist if he had the ability to choose, which fictional character would he be

The atheist replied with " God "

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I have the unique ability to eat two pieces of string and poop them out tied together...

I shit you knot

Him: I have the ability to detect whenever I'm near a certain type of Middle-Eastern bread.

Her: Well, that's just naan sense.

In Star Wars Legends, Rey discovers an unusual force ability...

...this allows her to turn as dark as the night like a shadow and even become the shadows of others, useful for creeping up on enemies. The First Order Stormtroopers spoke about this amazing power having heard about it from a commanding officer Rey fought with the force. "Sir was spun around and kno...

I have a remarkable ability to see numbers as rainbow colors

But I can only count to seven

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An Italian man is looking wistfully out at his fields...

It's spring, and for decades and decades now, he's always planted tomatoes, a tradition he brought over all the way from the old country to his adopted home in the US.

Unfortunately, he's getting old, and the work of turning the soil over to prepare for planting the tomatoes is beyond his bod...

I have this weird ability to tell what is inside wrapped presents

It is a gift

A man was being interviewed for job in the army

The general asks the man: We want a person with a suspicious mind, one who is always alert. Merciless and ready to attack. Someone who has an acute sense of hearing and has detective ability. And most importantly having a killer instinct!

So do you think you are eligible?

The man rep...

I translated this joke from Arabic

An engineer school graduate opened a clinic. If he were able to solve the patient's problem he would charge £1000. However, if he couldn't treat the patient he would give them £5000.

The engineer was soon making more money than the real doctor's clinic nearby. The doctor was confused and deci...

What would be the most useless superpower?

How about the ability to go invisible, but it only works while you're playing a trumpet.

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My ability to have repeated sex is like a movie.

In my 20s, it was *Let's Do It Again.* In my 40s, it was *48 Hours*. Pretty soon, it will be *28 Days Later.*

A friend once asked me "You've never said no to a beer have you?!"

So I told him
"By the time I start talking to my drinks I lose the ability to recall it the next day!"

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The tale of how I was Knighted by the Queen

For as long as I can remember, I have had the ability to do these mind-blowing poses as I ejaculate. I became so famous for this ability, that I was asked to perform for the Queen. Needless to say, I was incredibly honoured and excited! And a bit nervous. So they flew me out to England and I was pra...

I have a special ability that allows me to see everything that happens next year.

I call it 2020 vision.

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The International Council of Man Laws

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When sh...

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When it gets dark, I have a supernatural ability to detect when and at what altitude murderous clowns ejaculate.

I can feel IT cumming in the air tonight.

Why is spiderman so good at comebacks?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

What's it called when a gaming console can fight something in front of and behind it?

Backwards combat ability

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A man visits an Ejaculation clinic [NSFW]

A man visits an ejaculation clinic depressed that when he cums, all he can manage is a poor dribble at the end of his cock.

‘When I watch porn’ he tells the receptionist ‘they shoot it all over the poor girls face... some from like a metre away.’

‘Don’t worry’ replies the receptionist...

I have an amazing ability to find things just before people lose them.

The police, however, insist on calling it theft.

A guy lives in my building with the ability to change locks and unclog drains at will

He has super powers

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A Soldier's True Mettle

Canada, Mexico and The USA decide to test their three best soldiers in the ultimate test of a soldier's ability to deal with extreme situations. Each man is given a gun, placed in front of a door and told to walk in and kill whoever is in the room. With a deep breath, each walks in.

After 5 ...

Idk if someone has already posted this joke but... How does Spider-Man come up with such witty comebacks?

With great power comes great response-ability

I'm going to hire a secretary based on ability, not looks, this time.

I just need someone who can answer phones while I'm banging the hot one.

Your ability to combine photos into a beautiful and evocative display is amazing!

Well, I am a collage graduate.

What is the key to bragging about your ability to time travel?

A Flex Capacitor.

I have the ability to cut a piece of wood in half just by staring at it. It's true...

I saw it with my own eyes.

Why is Spider-Man so good at comebacks?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

Mischievous twins

In a town somewhere there lived 2 very problematic 12 year old twin boys. If there was trouble in town, they were sure to be involved. It gotten to the point where every time some stranger came to their house it was to complain about something they did.

Naturally their mother had it with thei...

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A very drunk patron at a bar is trying to impress everyone with his fighting ability.

"I am trained in every hand-to-hand combat there is," he says. To further prove his point, he walks up to Boudreaux, who happened to be in the bar, and whops him behind the neck! "Karate chop from China," he says.

Poor Boudreaux gets up off the floor and sits back in his seat, saying nothing....

I have the ability to jump out of an aeroplane, mid-air and without a parachute.

Once.

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Park Ranger

A small West Virginia Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare
species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla
became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination,
the park veterinarian determined the problem: The gorilla was
in heat. To make matters worse, there...

What is your best ability?

I have grate speling.

I have the ability to leave a building 5m before the fire alarm starts

I call it premature evacuation.

My friend has a unique ability; he can always tell if there are lions near by.

He's got a great sense of pride.

So John Kelly claims that the lack of an ability to compromise led to the Civil War...

I wouldn’t say that’s 100% accurate, but at least 3/5ths.

If One Had The Ability To Control Bacteria...

That would be pretty sick

What kind of STD ruins a dogs ability to smell?

*Sniffilis*

What's black and long and has the ability to make any woman fall on the floor?

A police baton

My friend asked me how would people survive without the ability to see, hear, smell, taste, or feel.

I told him: It's nonsense.

Would you like the ability to read minds?

Mind mind mind mind mind mind mind mind mind mind

Whenever my buddy gets high, he gains a strange ability to speak multiple languages.

He is Rosetta stoned.

Yo mama so fat

The avengers hired her for her ability to be everywhere at once!

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Ralph, the department store parrot

During its hayday, Goldfinches was a glorious department store, with gorgeous decorations, including a Aviary centerpiece, where Ralph held court. You see, Ralph had a special ability to detect what people wanted by their appearance, and he would tell them where to look for the thing they needed....

I have an ability that I can leave buildings 3m before the fire alarm goes off

But for some reason people call me pyromaniac

So a man one day gains the ability to make a car made of coins.

It's acceleration was a quarter faster than a dragster, the frame costed mere pennies, and the interior was full nickel, but people didn't think it made cents.

A news reporter rushes to the man in awe, asking, but does it even have brakes? The man simply looked back and said "Of course. It st...

Diplomacy is the ability to tell someone to go to hell...

..in such a way that they look forward to the trip.

In 1969, the Beatles originally wrote one of their hit songs for a Broadway version of Peter Pan. Captain Hook’s right hand man wanted to Broker a truce that would give Hook the ability to fly and give Peter and the Lost Boys safety from pirates. It ended with a big event where Hook and Peter flew..

Come together, right now... over Smee.

A guy goes into his attic to clean it out and finds an old oil lamp. He thinks he could sell it instead of throwing it away, so he starts to rub it and out pops this genie. The genie says to him " Thank you for awakening me, I can grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude."

The guy wishes for a billion dollars, the genie grants it. The guy then asks for a huge mansion with 2 Lamborghinis and 2 Ferraris, the genie grants it. The genie says “This is your last wish so really make this one count.” The guys says “Well I’ve always wanted to drive out to hawaiian islands, bec...

They say a man's attractiveness is tied to his chess ability...

Unfortunately, I'm really bad at mating.

I don't know why so many people lack the ability to wiggle their ears

They must have extremely short arms

I fractured my kneecap please send me jokes

Right now my humor is as broken as my ability to stand

Marvel are developing a new super hero who has the ability to remotely edit people’s DNA.

He will be called “Gene Hackman”

I lacked confidence in my ability as a sheep shearer....until I started shearing female sheep....

Ewes make me feel like a natural woolman....

What country questions your ability to perform?

Ken ya? Ken ya?

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Three men crash land on a desert island, 3 days later they find a magic lamp in the sand on the beach

>**this joke works best if you do the actions when you're telling it**

The men get very excited about the lamp and as they dust the sand away it hums and buzzes before a genie emerges in a puff of blue smoke.

"You have freed me from my prison," says the Genie, "For this, I will give...

I have a special ability that lets me see both the past and future at the same time.

Some say it's a gift, but I think of it as the present.

50% of being a lawyer is the ability to use latin phrases that people don't understand

the other 50% is *ad hoc ergo propter hoc*

If dogs had the ability to speak to humans

We still would have no idea what Scottish Terriers would be trying to tell us.

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God has two last gifts to hand out to Adam and Eve.

"The first gift I have is the ability to pee while standing up." God says

"Please Lord, let me have this gift. It will be so much easier for me to take care of the animals, and tend the fields, without having to sit down to pee. My darling Eve, please let me have this amazing gift." Adam begg...

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Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo

The place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice... "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Ama...

What would a skeptic say if you were to tell them that you had a supernatural ability to detect Indian bread?

Naansense!

What does Donald Trump and a turtle on a post have in common?

1. You know he didn’t get there by himself.
2. He doesn’t belong up there.
3. He doesn’t have any idea what to do now that he’s there.
4. You wonder who could’ve thought it was a good idea in the first place.
5. He’s elevated beyond his ability to function.

Little Johnny was a notoriously bad speller

He would always misspell words and just write them the way they sounded to a young child's ear. This was particularly embarrassing to his father, whose boss would always brag how clever his own son, Pete was.


One evening, the boss visited Little Johnny's house for dinner, bringing litt...

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A woman finds out that she's pregnant with triplets...

she then consents to be the test subject for an experiment. A doctor gives her a newly developed pill that is meant to give unborn children super intelligence so they're born with the ability to speak English, think critically, etc.

Nine months later, she goes into labor. The doctor who gave ...

Wish Granted by Genie

A middle aged man was walking along the beach one day, when he stumbles and discovers a small brass lamp. Rubbing it, a genie appears and offers to grant him just one wish.

After careful thought, the man says, "All of my life, I have wanted to visit Hawaii. But I am deathly afraid of flying a...

My newborn nephew entered the world with the innate ability to dance. They ran tests and found that he got the ability by being born with an extra chromosome. The doctors are calling it...

"Get down syndrome"

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While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a count...

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Beauty, self image and the ability to transform.

Martha was ugly like a shaven baboon,

So she wrapped herself up in a curtain cocoon.

After a week she finally emerged,

She smelled like shit what a psycho.

>Credits to Bo Burnham

When people find out I work in a food tinning factory they always doubt my ability to do my job.

But I can.

The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.

The law...

Did you hear about the transformer who lost his ability to change into a seven-sided shape?

He's a de-septagon.

They say honesty is the best policy

But if you don't have the ability to lie when needed, you are a liability

Making fun of a short's person height is cruel and requires no ability...

... one could even say it's the lowest form of humour.

The mountain gazelle is said to have the ability to jump higher than the average house

Considering houses don't jump

Controlling probability is the best super power

And I think there's a big chance that you'll agree

Some scientists believe the ability to create language was because we ate so much meat as primates.

That's why vegans can only say "i'm vegan".

The animal kingdom had become overpopulated.

The lion, being the head of the animal kingdom, made a decree: a joke telling contest would be held at the end of the week. The tortoise, unanimously agreed upon as being the fairest of all the animals, was appointed as the official judge. The rules were simple: tell your joke to the tortoise, and i...

I asked a genie for the ability to shoot microwaves from my hands...

Clunk. These are heavy.

My Friends don't worry about any skin disease.

Snakes have the ability to change it after sometime.

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