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I was telling a woman about my ability to guess the day she was born just by feeling her breasts.

“Really,” she said, “go ahead and try.” After about thirty seconds of fondling, she began to lose patience and said, “Come on, tell me what day I was born?” I said, “Yesterday.”

I have the ability to tell someone's dominant hand just by looking at them

Nine times out of ten, it's right.

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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

...

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My wife thinks her ability to tie a cherry stem into a knot with her tongue is sexy

but as a man with a cherry-stem-sized penis I'm terrified.

Him: I have the ability to detect whenever I'm near a certain type of Middle-Eastern bread.

Her: Well, that's just naan sense.

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The sight of a woman's cleavage reduces a man's ability to think clearly by 50 %

Per boob.

A man asks an atheist if he had the ability to choose, which fictional character would he be

The atheist replied with " God "

I have a remarkable ability to see numbers as rainbow colors

But I can only count to seven

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I have the unique ability to eat two pieces of string and poop them out tied together...

I shit you knot

I have this weird ability to tell what is inside wrapped presents

It is a gift

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My ability to have repeated sex is like a movie.

In my 20s, it was *Let's Do It Again.* In my 40s, it was *48 Hours*. Pretty soon, it will be *28 Days Later.*

I have a special ability that allows me to see everything that happens next year.

I call it 2020 vision.

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When it gets dark, I have a supernatural ability to detect when and at what altitude murderous clowns ejaculate.

I can feel IT cumming in the air tonight.

I fractured my kneecap please send me jokes

Right now my humor is as broken as my ability to stand

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God has two last gifts to hand out to Adam and Eve.

"The first gift I have is the ability to pee while standing up." God says

"Please Lord, let me have this gift. It will be so much easier for me to take care of the animals, and tend the fields, without having to sit down to pee. My darling Eve, please let me have this amazing gift." Adam begg...

Why is spiderman so good at comebacks?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

Little Johnny was a notoriously bad speller

He would always misspell words and just write them the way they sounded to a young child's ear. This was particularly embarrassing to his father, whose boss would always brag how clever his own son, Pete was.


One evening, the boss visited Little Johnny's house for dinner, bringing litt...

Why is Spider-Man so good at comebacks?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

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Three men crash land on a desert island, 3 days later they find a magic lamp in the sand on the beach

>**this joke works best if you do the actions when you're telling it**

The men get very excited about the lamp and as they dust the sand away it hums and buzzes before a genie emerges in a puff of blue smoke.

"You have freed me from my prison," says the Genie, "For this, I will give...

Your ability to combine photos into a beautiful and evocative display is amazing!

Well, I am a collage graduate.

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A woman finds out that she's pregnant with triplets...

she then consents to be the test subject for an experiment. A doctor gives her a newly developed pill that is meant to give unborn children super intelligence so they're born with the ability to speak English, think critically, etc.

Nine months later, she goes into labor. The doctor who gave ...

A guy lives in my building with the ability to change locks and unclog drains at will

He has super powers

Wish Granted by Genie

A middle aged man was walking along the beach one day, when he stumbles and discovers a small brass lamp. Rubbing it, a genie appears and offers to grant him just one wish.

After careful thought, the man says, "All of my life, I have wanted to visit Hawaii. But I am deathly afraid of flying a...

I have an amazing ability to find things just before people lose them.

The police, however, insist on calling it theft.

What is the key to bragging about your ability to time travel?

A Flex Capacitor.

I'm going to hire a secretary based on ability, not looks, this time.

I just need someone who can answer phones while I'm banging the hot one.

They say honesty is the best policy

But if you don't have the ability to lie when needed, you are a liability

My Friends don't worry about any skin disease.

Snakes have the ability to change it after sometime.

I have the ability to jump out of an aeroplane, mid-air and without a parachute.

Once.

I have the ability to cut a piece of wood in half just by staring at it. It's true...

I saw it with my own eyes.

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A very drunk patron at a bar is trying to impress everyone with his fighting ability.

"I am trained in every hand-to-hand combat there is," he says. To further prove his point, he walks up to Boudreaux, who happened to be in the bar, and whops him behind the neck! "Karate chop from China," he says.

Poor Boudreaux gets up off the floor and sits back in his seat, saying nothing....

My friend asked me how would people survive without the ability to see, hear, smell, taste, or feel.

I told him: It's nonsense.

What kind of STD ruins a dogs ability to smell?

*Sniffilis*

I have the ability to leave a building 5m before the fire alarm starts

I call it premature evacuation.

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The old farmer said, “ Well as I see it, Donald Trump is like a Post Tortoise”

The man, not being familiar with the term, asked what a ‘post tortoise’ was.

The farmer said, “When you’re driving down a county lane and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that’s a post tortoise.

The farmer saw the puzzled look on the man’s face so he cont...

My friend has a unique ability; he can always tell if there are lions near by.

He's got a great sense of pride.

If One Had The Ability To Control Bacteria...

That would be pretty sick

What's black and long and has the ability to make any woman fall on the floor?

A police baton

A Spanish physician renowned for his ability to cure anybody and everybody falls ill.

“It’s unfortunate, but I don’t think he’ll make it” says one of his patients, that was cured from an untreatable disease.

Everyone agrees, and proceeds to tell stories about how he was able to do anything.

“He cured me of my back pain” a woman says.

“...and he saved my son after...

A genie gave me one wish

And I said I wanted to have the power to text really fast

And he replied "be careful because with great power comes great response ability"

Whenever my buddy gets high, he gains a strange ability to speak multiple languages.

He is Rosetta stoned.

I have an ability that I can leave buildings 3m before the fire alarm goes off

But for some reason people call me pyromaniac

So a man one day gains the ability to make a car made of coins.

It's acceleration was a quarter faster than a dragster, the frame costed mere pennies, and the interior was full nickel, but people didn't think it made cents.

A news reporter rushes to the man in awe, asking, but does it even have brakes? The man simply looked back and said "Of course. It st...

So John Kelly claims that the lack of an ability to compromise led to the Civil War...

I wouldn’t say that’s 100% accurate, but at least 3/5ths.

In 1969, the Beatles originally wrote one of their hit songs for a Broadway version of Peter Pan. Captain Hook’s right hand man wanted to Broker a truce that would give Hook the ability to fly and give Peter and the Lost Boys safety from pirates. It ended with a big event where Hook and Peter flew..

Come together, right now... over Smee.

Would you like the ability to read minds?

Mind mind mind mind mind mind mind mind mind mind

Diplomacy is the ability to tell someone to go to hell...

..in such a way that they look forward to the trip.

Guy: *rubs lamp*

Genie: \*appears\*

Genie: You have one wish

Guy: I wish I had the ability to switch between normal vision and vision that allows me to see all the people who want to have s\*\* with me

Genie: Congratulations, you now have the ability to close your eyes

Marvel are developing a new super hero who has the ability to remotely edit people’s DNA.

He will be called “Gene Hackman”

I don't know why so many people lack the ability to wiggle their ears

They must have extremely short arms

What country questions your ability to perform?

Ken ya? Ken ya?

Controlling probability is the best super power

And I think there's a big chance that you'll agree

I lacked confidence in my ability as a sheep shearer....until I started shearing female sheep....

Ewes make me feel like a natural woolman....

I was runner-up in a 10K race benefiting by my local Catholic church.

Sister Mary ended up placing first. We spoke after the race and she really complimented my running skills. Such a kind and humble lady. She said my ability was second to nun.

I have a special ability that lets me see both the past and future at the same time.

Some say it's a gift, but I think of it as the present.

They say a man's attractiveness is tied to his chess ability...

Unfortunately, I'm really bad at mating.

The animal kingdom had become overpopulated.

The lion, being the head of the animal kingdom, made a decree: a joke telling contest would be held at the end of the week. The tortoise, unanimously agreed upon as being the fairest of all the animals, was appointed as the official judge. The rules were simple: tell your joke to the tortoise, and i...

Lose 10lbs in a week.

A man trying to lose weight saw an add in the paper for a program to lose 10 lbs in a week. Wanting to lose weight he called and signed up. They told him his work out would start at 7 AM. So the first thing in the morning he heard a knock at his door. It was a gorgeous blonde wearing nothing but a b...

The crunch bird

There was a new petshop in town. Jimmy went inside to give it a look, when he saw a colourful and pretty bird.

The shopkeeper said, “m’boy, that’s a crunch bird, and a rare breed at that! Would ya want to buy it?”

Jimmy was intrigued. “What’s a crunch bird?” He asked. “Well” replies ...

What would a skeptic say if you were to tell them that you had a supernatural ability to detect Indian bread?

Naansense!

Genie: You have three wishes

Me: I wish for the ability to know how to use my wishes wisely

Genie: Granted

Me: In retrospect that wasn't a brilliant idea

Johnny is playing fetch with his dog in the park, when he accidentally throws the stick onto a lake

To his amazement, the dog runs onto the lake, walks across the water, and brings back the stick.

Johnny can't believe his eyes, so he throws the stick onto the lake again, and once more the dog walks on the water and fetches the stick.

A man comes walking by, and wanting to show off hi...

If dogs had the ability to speak to humans

We still would have no idea what Scottish Terriers would be trying to tell us.

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We've all encountered a butterface, but have you ever encountered a butterfingers? Beautiful face, smokin' body, amazing personality. Everything is great, but her...

Catching ability.

The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.

The law...

50% of being a lawyer is the ability to use latin phrases that people don't understand

the other 50% is *ad hoc ergo propter hoc*

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An Old Woman In a Nursing Home Finds A Nurse Having Sex With Her Boyfriend In Her Room

Like some real, wild, kinky stuff. The young woman’s legs were behind her head as her boyfriend went to town.

Caught in the act, the two stop, and the nurse begs the old woman not to tell. “Please! You know they’ll fire me!”

The old woman stops and thinks. She and her husband haven’t h...

My newborn nephew entered the world with the innate ability to dance. They ran tests and found that he got the ability by being born with an extra chromosome. The doctors are calling it...

"Get down syndrome"

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Beauty, self image and the ability to transform.

Martha was ugly like a shaven baboon,

So she wrapped herself up in a curtain cocoon.

After a week she finally emerged,

She smelled like shit what a psycho.

>Credits to Bo Burnham

When people find out I work in a food tinning factory they always doubt my ability to do my job.

But I can.

On the first day of preschool, kids are taught how to play Simon Says

After you graduate high school and get a job, you find out your boss is Simon and you got duped into going to school for 10 years when you learned all you had to know on your first day of preschool.

Frustrated, you go back to your high school teacher to learn something useful for once, "Teach...

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The Saved Man and the Clairvoyant

DISCLAIMER: I'm pretty sure I had read this joke here before, but I was reminded of it today so I'm going to "pay homage" to it by doing my best recital of it. It's long.

A man walks into a pub, orders himself a pint, and sits at a small table in the corner by himself. He enjoys his beer for...

Making fun of a short's person height is cruel and requires no ability...

... one could even say it's the lowest form of humour.

That’s one amazing chimpanzee..

A widow walks into a pet store and approaches one of the sales reps, “My husband died recently and I’ve been feeling really lonely. Do you have any recommendations for a pet to keep me company?”

The sales rep says “What about a dog?”

“No no no, I’ve already had a dog and they’re a lot ...

Why is it hard to become famous for finding Indian bread?

eventually somebody will call this ability Naan sense.

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Lady Enters a Bar

A lady enters a bar on the 50th floor of a hotel. She sees an attractive man across the room and sits by him.

Lady: what are you drinking.

Man: it’s a special drink, it gives you the ability to fly.

Lady: I don’t believe you.

The man takes a sip, jumps out the window ...

The mountain gazelle is said to have the ability to jump higher than the average house

Considering houses don't jump

Some scientists believe the ability to create language was because we ate so much meat as primates.

That's why vegans can only say "i'm vegan".

Did you hear about the transformer who lost his ability to change into a seven-sided shape?

He's a de-septagon.

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I had a stutter when I was a kid

It was embarrassing and all of the other kids made fun of me for most of my life. Finally, when I was a junior in highschool, my parents sent me to a doctor.
“D-d-doctor”, says I, “p-p-please help me. I h-h-h-have this terrible stutter”
Doc said “Son, I have some bad news for you....your peni...

I asked a genie for the ability to shoot microwaves from my hands...

Clunk. These are heavy.

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(LONG) There was once an old mobster who liked to gamble

And this made man’s heyday was primarily during Prohibition, the days when a man of means could relax with drink and a hand of poker or rummy. Fortunes in ill-gotten gains were won and lost in such places, so it was a surprise to many that the old crook who haunted the craps table had never lost a s...

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Superman's extended family

Many of you know Kal-El (superman) and his father Zor-El, even his cousin supergirl.

Did you know he has several other loosely related relatives that also traveled to earth as infants and were raised here? Here are a few.

1) he has a cousin that was raised in Mexico, hardworking guy. H...

A Doberman, German Shepherd, and Cat are sitting before God in the judgement hall

God looks at the Doberman and asks "Doberman, what did you believe in?"

The Doberman replies "I believed in being faithful and loyal to my master until the day I died."

God answers "Very well. You may come sit to my left side. Shepherd, what did you believe in?"

The Shepherd say...

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