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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

...

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The sight of a woman's cleavage reduces a man's ability to think clearly by 50 %

Per boob.

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I have the unique ability to eat two pieces of string and poop them out tied together...

I shit you knot

A man asks an atheist if he had the ability to choose, which fictional character would he be

The atheist replied with " God "

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I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?" I said, "Yesterday."

Why is spiderman so good at comebacks?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

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When it gets dark, I have a supernatural ability to detect when and at what altitude murderous clowns ejaculate.

I can feel IT cumming in the air tonight.

I have a special ability that allows me to see everything that happens next year.

I call it 2020 vision.

Why is Spider-Man so good at comebacks?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

Your ability to combine photos into a beautiful and evocative display is amazing!

Well, I am a collage graduate.

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My ability to have repeated sex is like a movie.

In my 20s, it was *Let's Do It Again.* In my 40s, it was *48 Hours*. Pretty soon, it will be *28 Days Later.*

I have this weird ability of guessing what is inside a wrapped present.

You can say ....it’s a gift.

What is the key to bragging about your ability to time travel?

A Flex Capacitor.

What gives dumbo the ability to fly?

Air force one

A guy lives in my building with the ability to change locks and unclog drains at will

He has super powers

I have an amazing ability to find things just before people lose them.

The police, however, insist on calling it theft.

I was runner-up in a 10K race benefiting by my local Catholic church.

Sister Mary ended up placing first. We spoke after the race and she really complimented my running skills. Such a kind and humble lady. She said my ability was second to nun.

I'm going to hire a secretary based on ability, not looks, this time.

I just need someone who can answer phones while I'm banging the hot one.

What is your best ability?

I have grate speling.

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The old farmer said, “ Well as I see it, Donald Trump is like a Post Tortoise”

The man, not being familiar with the term, asked what a ‘post tortoise’ was.

The farmer said, “When you’re driving down a county lane and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that’s a post tortoise.

The farmer saw the puzzled look on the man’s face so he cont...

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We've all encountered a butterface, but have you ever encountered a butterfingers? Beautiful face, smokin' body, amazing personality. Everything is great, but her...

Catching ability.

I have the ability to jump out of an aeroplane, mid-air and without a parachute.

Once.

Lose 10lbs in a week.

A man trying to lose weight saw an add in the paper for a program to lose 10 lbs in a week. Wanting to lose weight he called and signed up. They told him his work out would start at 7 AM. So the first thing in the morning he heard a knock at his door. It was a gorgeous blonde wearing nothing but a b...

What kind of STD ruins a dogs ability to smell?

*Sniffilis*

My friend asked me how would people survive without the ability to see, hear, smell, taste, or feel.

I told him: It's nonsense.

Johnny is playing fetch with his dog in the park, when he accidentally throws the stick onto a lake

To his amazement, the dog runs onto the lake, walks across the water, and brings back the stick.

Johnny can't believe his eyes, so he throws the stick onto the lake again, and once more the dog walks on the water and fetches the stick.

A man comes walking by, and wanting to show off hi...

Genie: You have three wishes

Me: I wish for the ability to know how to use my wishes wisely

Genie: Granted

Me: In retrospect that wasn't a brilliant idea

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A very drunk patron at a bar is trying to impress everyone with his fighting ability.

"I am trained in every hand-to-hand combat there is," he says. To further prove his point, he walks up to Boudreaux, who happened to be in the bar, and whops him behind the neck! "Karate chop from China," he says.

Poor Boudreaux gets up off the floor and sits back in his seat, saying nothing....

A Spanish physician renowned for his ability to cure anybody and everybody falls ill.

“It’s unfortunate, but I don’t think he’ll make it” says one of his patients, that was cured from an untreatable disease.

Everyone agrees, and proceeds to tell stories about how he was able to do anything.

“He cured me of my back pain” a woman says.

“...and he saved my son after...

I have the ability to cut a piece of wood in half just by staring at it. It's true...

I saw it with my own eyes.

Controlling probability is the best super power

And I think there's a big chance that you'll agree

The animal kingdom had become overpopulated.

The lion, being the head of the animal kingdom, made a decree: a joke telling contest would be held at the end of the week. The tortoise, unanimously agreed upon as being the fairest of all the animals, was appointed as the official judge. The rules were simple: tell your joke to the tortoise, and i...

I have the ability to leave a building 5m before the fire alarm starts

I call it premature evacuation.

What's black and long and has the ability to make any woman fall on the floor?

A police baton

My friend has a unique ability; he can always tell if there are lions near by.

He's got a great sense of pride.

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An Old Woman In a Nursing Home Finds A Nurse Having Sex With Her Boyfriend In Her Room

Like some real, wild, kinky stuff. The young woman’s legs were behind her head as her boyfriend went to town.

Caught in the act, the two stop, and the nurse begs the old woman not to tell. “Please! You know they’ll fire me!”

The old woman stops and thinks. She and her husband haven’t h...

If One Had The Ability To Control Bacteria...

That would be pretty sick

I have an ability that I can leave buildings 3m before the fire alarm goes off

But for some reason people call me pyromaniac

Whenever my buddy gets high, he gains a strange ability to speak multiple languages.

He is Rosetta stoned.

So a man one day gains the ability to make a car made of coins.

It's acceleration was a quarter faster than a dragster, the frame costed mere pennies, and the interior was full nickel, but people didn't think it made cents.

A news reporter rushes to the man in awe, asking, but does it even have brakes? The man simply looked back and said "Of course. It st...

In 1969, the Beatles originally wrote one of their hit songs for a Broadway version of Peter Pan. Captain Hook’s right hand man wanted to Broker a truce that would give Hook the ability to fly and give Peter and the Lost Boys safety from pirates. It ended with a big event where Hook and Peter flew..

Come together, right now... over Smee.

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The Saved Man and the Clairvoyant

DISCLAIMER: I'm pretty sure I had read this joke here before, but I was reminded of it today so I'm going to "pay homage" to it by doing my best recital of it. It's long.

A man walks into a pub, orders himself a pint, and sits at a small table in the corner by himself. He enjoys his beer for...

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Lady Enters a Bar

A lady enters a bar on the 50th floor of a hotel. She sees an attractive man across the room and sits by him.

Lady: what are you drinking.

Man: it’s a special drink, it gives you the ability to fly.

Lady: I don’t believe you.

The man takes a sip, jumps out the window ...

Diplomacy is the ability to tell someone to go to hell...

..in such a way that they look forward to the trip.

So John Kelly claims that the lack of an ability to compromise led to the Civil War...

I wouldn’t say that’s 100% accurate, but at least 3/5ths.

Marvel are developing a new super hero who has the ability to remotely edit people’s DNA.

He will be called “Gene Hackman”

That’s one amazing chimpanzee..

A widow walks into a pet store and approaches one of the sales reps, “My husband died recently and I’ve been feeling really lonely. Do you have any recommendations for a pet to keep me company?”

The sales rep says “What about a dog?”

“No no no, I’ve already had a dog and they’re a lot ...

What country questions your ability to perform?

Ken ya? Ken ya?

I have a special ability that lets me see both the past and future at the same time.

Some say it's a gift, but I think of it as the present.

I lacked confidence in my ability as a sheep shearer....until I started shearing female sheep....

Ewes make me feel like a natural woolman....

The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.

The law...

Would you like the ability to read minds?

Mind mind mind mind mind mind mind mind mind mind

They say a man's attractiveness is tied to his chess ability...

Unfortunately, I'm really bad at mating.

What would a skeptic say if you were to tell them that you had a supernatural ability to detect Indian bread?

Naansense!

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(LONG) There was once an old mobster who liked to gamble

And this made man’s heyday was primarily during Prohibition, the days when a man of means could relax with drink and a hand of poker or rummy. Fortunes in ill-gotten gains were won and lost in such places, so it was a surprise to many that the old crook who haunted the craps table had never lost a s...

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A man and woman statue magically cone to life...

In the park there is a statue of a man and woman, both nude. One day they are granted the ability to come to life, but for only 15 minutes.

They both look at each other and smile then run behind the bushes.

Almost immediately there is giggling and the bush is shaking like crazy.
...

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I had a stutter when I was a kid

It was embarrassing and all of the other kids made fun of me for most of my life. Finally, when I was a junior in highschool, my parents sent me to a doctor.
“D-d-doctor”, says I, “p-p-please help me. I h-h-h-have this terrible stutter”
Doc said “Son, I have some bad news for you....your peni...

If dogs had the ability to speak to humans

We still would have no idea what Scottish Terriers would be trying to tell us.

A priest, a bishop, and the Pope are enjoying a leisurely day of fishing...

...when the bishop stands up, rocking their dinghy a little as he stretches. "Well, I'm parched!" he announces. "Back in a verse," he adds before stepping out of the boat, casually walking across the lake to the cooler. *Amazing, he is truly blessed by the Lord to walk across water,* thinks the Pope...

A Doberman, German Shepherd, and Cat are sitting before God in the judgement hall

God looks at the Doberman and asks "Doberman, what did you believe in?"

The Doberman replies "I believed in being faithful and loyal to my master until the day I died."

God answers "Very well. You may come sit to my left side. Shepherd, what did you believe in?"

The Shepherd say...

Once there was a young man whose friends made fun of him for not being good at anything.

As time passes by, the young man loses self esteem and spends more and more nights crying in bed.
But suddenly a geenie appears and grants him
one wish.

The man has the perfect wish right away; and tells the geenie that he wished to be able to walk on water.

The next morning, ...

A caravan of settlers were on the Oregon Trail

Their Indian guide repeatedly amazed them with his ability to find game and avoid hostile tribes. One day, he reigned in his horse and jumped down and put his head to the ground.
“Buffalo come,” was all he said.
“How can you know that?” Asked one of the amazed settlers.
He looked up and rep...

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Seaman Jack

Seaman Jack joined the navy. When he was little he wanted to become a carrier pilot, then when he was a teenager he figured maybe he was only good for a rear admiral serving on a missile destroyer, and when he barely graduated high school, he decided well maybe he'll just be a sailor.

And the...

At birth i was given a choice

At birth I was given a choice between a magnum dong or the ability to remember every detail of my life I forgot what I picked.

My newborn nephew entered the world with the innate ability to dance. They ran tests and found that he got the ability by being born with an extra chromosome. The doctors are calling it...

"Get down syndrome"

When people find out I work in a food tinning factory they always doubt my ability to do my job.

But I can.

50% of being a lawyer is the ability to use latin phrases that people don't understand

the other 50% is *ad hoc ergo propter hoc*

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Beauty, self image and the ability to transform.

Martha was ugly like a shaven baboon,

So she wrapped herself up in a curtain cocoon.

After a week she finally emerged,

She smelled like shit what a psycho.

>Credits to Bo Burnham

Some scientists believe the ability to create language was because we ate so much meat as primates.

That's why vegans can only say "i'm vegan".

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A bear is chasing a rabbit

Through the woods and stumble upon a magic lamp. A genie pops out and says "thank you for freeing me, I have granted you two the ability to communicate with. I will give both of you 2 wishes.". The bear speaks up first "I wish to have the biggest bear penis in the world." The genie looks to the rabb...

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The French fencer

There once was a famous French fencer. He learned how to fence at a young age and honed his skills over time, his prowess with the foil unmatched in all of France. After defeating all French contenders, he moved on to defeat fencers in nearby countries, eventually becoming the best in Europe. As his...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller called Sarah who hoped to learn the proper skills of divination by training alongside a renowned fortune teller, Madame Lointain (for, in these times, it was customary for each village to have a fortune teller).


After having studied for...

There was a baby orca that had washed onto land after a huge tidal wave.

When the water receded, the orca found himself out of the water on the beach. A young man happened along and saw the orca struggling along. He always wanted a pet, so he scooped him up in a wagon and took him home; depositing him into his family's well.


This strange upbringing made the b...

Making fun of a short's person height is cruel and requires no ability...

... one could even say it's the lowest form of humour.

The mountain gazelle is said to have the ability to jump higher than the average house

Considering houses don't jump

I asked a genie for the ability to shoot microwaves from my hands...

Clunk. These are heavy.

Did you hear about the transformer who lost his ability to change into a seven-sided shape?

He's a de-septagon.

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Juan was sent to hell.

In the hell lobby, Juan is greeted by a demon. The demon showed 3 doors that contains the type of punishment Juan will receive. Of course, Juan is given the ability to choose his punishment.

The demon opened the 1st door. Juan saw a man being punished by a whip. Juan said: "No! I do not want ...

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At the peak of the cold war the Russians started a project to mass produce war robots.

The plan was divided into 4 stages, in the first stage the scientists were tasked to perfect the technology of remotely controlling the robots.

The second stage was giving the robots a perfectly humanoid stucture and give them the ability to perfectly copy human actions.

T...

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