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Ability Jokes

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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

...

We thought it was our ability to love that made us human,

but it turns out it was actually our ability to SELECT EACH IMAGE CONTAINING A TRUCK.

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I told a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs...

"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?"
“Yesterday." I replied.

I told my friend I have an acute sense of when a deep hole with water is nearby. He said thats a useless ability.

I'm well aware

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When I was born, god gave me the option between choosing the ability to finish stories or having a big dick.

Obviously I chose

A neurologist was diagnosing a patient who lost his ability to do basic math

"What’s 9 plus 9?”
“12”.
“What’s 8 and 8?”
“10”.
The doctor shook his head. “Very interesting. What about 6 times 5?”
The man thought for a second, and answered “1E”.
“Aha, I’ve figured it out!” The doctor said. “Somebody’s clearly put a hex on you.”

I have this incredible ability to predict what’s inside a wrapped present.

It’s a gift

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I have a pretty unique ability. I'm able to put a rope up my ass and tie it together before pooping it back out.

I shit you knot

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A teacher was testing her students' ability to guess what objects were without using their sight...

She had the kids all blindfolded and gave them things such as pine cones, little bars of soap, or small toy animals, and they had to figure out what they were by using their sense of touch or smell. Then she gave them a real treat, Life Savers in all kinds of flavors, and they had to taste them to g...

Never underestimate the ability of someone with a one track mind

To lose his train of thought.

Ba dum tiss.

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The sight of a woman's cleavage reduces a man's ability to think clearly by 50 %

Per boob.

You either have ability...

...or you're nobility.



BOOM roasted. Take that, bourgeoise.

TIL that Drax recently discovered a new superpower… The ability to speak to others telepathically.

“Now”, he says… “I just have to figure out how to hear them back.”

Which superhero has the ability to stop a moving car?

Peter *Parker*

I’m aroused by my ability to see, hear, smell, taste, and touch

I’ve come to my senses

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What do you call incels lying about their ability to play musical instruments to impress sexy e-girls?

A simp-phony

Would you like the ability to read minds?

Mind mind mind mind mind mind mind mind mind mind

TIL about the Downing-Keurig Effect in which poor performers greatly overestimate their abilities. It shows that underperforming individuals “reach erroneous conclusions and make unfortunate choices, but their incompetence robs them of the ability to realize."

I feel so smart knowing about this.

I lost the ability to hear on my left ear this morning

Thankfully my hearing is all right now.

I woke up with the ability to recall every cake and cupcake I ever ate.

Guess you could say I now have Duncan Hines-sight...

If you HAD to get rid of one race, which one would you get axe?

Personally for me it would be the 200m. It lacks the raw sprinting ability needed for the 100m, and the stamina needed for the 400m.

Did you know there is a wide variety in men’s ability to produce sperm?

In fact, there’s a vas deferens.

A man loses the ability to hear lighter sounds.

He had worn headphones at high volume for too long.

One day, he went to the Doctor for his monthly checkup. He was sitting with the Doctor. The Doctor kept talking and talking for a long time. The deaf man then said:

"Sorry, I can't understand what you're saying. Usually I can heard s...

I have an amazing ability to find things just before people lose them.

The police, however, insist on calling it theft.

Why is Spider-Man so good at comebacks?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

Did you know turtles have the ability to understand puns?

I wish they would have tortoise that in school.

With great reflexes...

Comes great response ability.

I have developed this weird ability to move some spices and herbs

I can control thyme

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I have the unique ability to eat two pieces of string and poop them out tied together...

I shit you knot

50% of being a lawyer is the ability to use latin phrases that people don't understand

the other 50% is *ad hoc ergo propter hoc*

Now that the US Supreme Court has crippled the EPA's ability to fight climate change, I'm going to buy myself some beachfront property ...

... in Utah.

My wife has a sinus condition that suppresses her ability to detect odors

But she gets offended when I tell people that she doesn't smell good.

The other day I met a sentient ant who grew fond of me. It turns out he has the ability to type and write as well…

This looks like it’s all a cake day joke, but it’s just fondant.

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There is a global interest in survival and the ability to thrive after an apocalypse or major crisis.

Scientists decide that sending 3 men to a deserted island for 5 years with no hope of rescue or assistance would be a good indicator.

The United States, France, and China each offer up 1 person for the study and they all get sent to their fate.

5 years later a helicopter lands on the i...

What did the fake psychic say when she got the ability to see the future?

I could prophet off of this.

Dad becomes freaked out over sons ability to make people die then he gets another surprise

So a dad and his family are praying one night and his son says, “Goodnight mama goodnight daddy and goodbye Grandpa”, next day grandpa dies. The dad is a little freaked out but is convinced this was just a tragic coincidence. Next night they are praying and his son says, “Goodnight mama goodnight da...

They say a man's attractiveness is tied to his chess ability...

Unfortunately, I'm really bad at mating.

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My ability to have repeated sex is like a movie.

In my 20s, it was *Let's Do It Again.* In my 40s, it was *48 Hours*. Pretty soon, it will be *28 Days Later.*

If One Had The Ability To Control Bacteria...

That would be pretty sick

I have a remarkable ability to see numbers as rainbow colors

But I can only count to seven

I have the ability to cut a piece of wood in half just by staring at it. It's true...

I saw it with my own eyes.

I'm going to hire a secretary based on ability, not looks, this time.

I just need someone who can answer phones while I'm banging the hot one.

What country questions your ability to perform?

Ken ya? Ken ya?

I have the ability to tell someone's dominant hand just by looking at them

Nine times out of ten, it's right.

Why was the girl amazed at her ability to get pregnant from the world's smallest man?

Because she didn't know she had it in her.

What has 16 legs, 4 antlers, 4 tails, and, if seen in action, will forever inhibit your ability to sleep?

A polygamoose.

What kind of STD ruins a dogs ability to smell?

*Sniffilis*

So John Kelly claims that the lack of an ability to compromise led to the Civil War...

I wouldn’t say that’s 100% accurate, but at least 3/5ths.

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A story is told that in the mid 1990s, two men go to visit a doctor who is acclaimed for his ability to treat melancholia.

"We can’t eat, we can’t sleep,” say the men. “We feel contantly miserable. Please help us, doctor.”

“Laughter is the best medicine, my friends,” says the doctor. “Take yourself off to The Gathering of the Juggalos, where you will find Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope of the Insane Clown Posse perf...

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Beauty, self image and the ability to transform.

Martha was ugly like a shaven baboon,

So she wrapped herself up in a curtain cocoon.

After a week she finally emerged,

She smelled like shit what a psycho.

>Credits to Bo Burnham

A teacher tells her students to write a sentence defining power.

Once everyone has finished, she reads the sentences out to the class:

\- "Power is when you can do good," - Good, Max, nice sentence. That's an A.

\- "Power is when you can do good and punish evil," - very good, Sarah, beautiful. That's an A+.

\- "Power is when you have a lot of...

Did you hear about the transformer who lost his ability to change into a seven-sided shape?

He's a de-septagon.

Diplomacy is the ability to tell someone to go to hell...

..in such a way that they look forward to the trip.

I have a special ability that allows me to see everything that happens next year.

I call it 2020 vision.

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My wife thinks her ability to tie a cherry stem into a knot with her tongue is cool

but as a man with a cherry-stem-sized penis I'm horrified.

Your ability to combine photos into a beautiful and evocative display is amazing!

Well, I am a collage graduate.

I have the ability to leave a building 5m before the fire alarm starts

I call it premature evacuation.

What's the good thing about harsh memes mocking Stevie Wonders ability to see?

He can't see them.

A guy lives in my building with the ability to change locks and unclog drains at will

He has super powers

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While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a count...

My newborn nephew entered the world with the innate ability to dance. They ran tests and found that he got the ability by being born with an extra chromosome. The doctors are calling it...

"Get down syndrome"

Him: I have the ability to detect whenever I'm near a certain type of Middle-Eastern bread.

Her: Well, that's just naan sense.

Whenever my buddy gets high, he gains a strange ability to speak multiple languages.

He is Rosetta stoned.

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A very drunk patron at a bar is trying to impress everyone with his fighting ability.

"I am trained in every hand-to-hand combat there is," he says. To further prove his point, he walks up to Boudreaux, who happened to be in the bar, and whops him behind the neck! "Karate chop from China," he says.

Poor Boudreaux gets up off the floor and sits back in his seat, saying nothing....

My friend has a unique ability; he can always tell if there are lions near by.

He's got a great sense of pride.

I have the ability to jump out of an aeroplane, mid-air and without a parachute.

Once.

So a man one day gains the ability to make a car made of coins.

It's acceleration was a quarter faster than a dragster, the frame costed mere pennies, and the interior was full nickel, but people didn't think it made cents.

A news reporter rushes to the man in awe, asking, but does it even have brakes? The man simply looked back and said "Of course. It st...

The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.

The law...

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When it gets dark, I have a supernatural ability to detect when and at what altitude murderous clowns ejaculate.

I can feel IT cumming in the air tonight.

My teacher said “we have the ability to clone we just don’t know what kind of rights they should have.”

I simply replied “copyright”

I have an ability that I can leave buildings 3m before the fire alarm goes off

But for some reason people call me pyromaniac

Making fun of a short's person height is cruel and requires no ability...

... one could even say it's the lowest form of humour.

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Joke: Creation

*Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but He had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so He decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things He had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.*

*"It's a very hand...

I lacked confidence in my ability as a sheep shearer....until I started shearing female sheep....

Ewes make me feel like a natural woolman....

I would rate my skill at psychic abilitys...

medium.

My friend asked me how would people survive without the ability to see, hear, smell, taste, or feel.

I told him: It's nonsense.

Marvel are developing a new super hero who has the ability to remotely edit people’s DNA.

He will be called “Gene Hackman”

I have a special ability that lets me see both the past and future at the same time.

Some say it's a gift, but I think of it as the present.

The mountain gazelle is said to have the ability to jump higher than the average house

Considering houses don't jump

What’s a quality you look for in a good lawyer?

Lie-ability

(Just getting started in comedy and want to test a few of my jokes here).

A man has his mother-in-law move in with him when she lost her job.

About a week later, he returns home from his job and finds her laying on the floor, unconscious. He calls 911, the ambulance comes and takes her off to the hospital.

He calls his wife and tells her she may have to cut her business trip short, but he'll keep her posted.

He gets to the ...

Some scientists believe the ability to create language was because we ate so much meat as primates.

That's why vegans can only say "i'm vegan".

I got fired from my job at the dollar store

My boss was angry that I consistently gave out the wrong change. Apparently, I lack cents ability.

Why are the majority of archeologists women?

They have a natural ability to dig up the past.

What would a skeptic say if you were to tell them that you had a supernatural ability to detect Indian bread?

Naansense!

When people find out I work in a food tinning factory they always doubt my ability to do my job.

But I can.

A priest was approached one night by Satan himself.

"Do not be frightened," said Satan. "I have an offer to make. I will make you tremendously powerful, famous and rich in return for just one small favour: half of your ability to hear."

The priest was stunned. "Let me think about it for a few days."

The next morning, the priest requeste...

A blonde girl...

...wants to know what life is like as a brunette girl, so she goes to the hairdresser and has her hair died brown.

Eager to show the world her newly acquired intelligence, she goes on a walk and meets a shepherd. She walks towards him and says:

"if i can guess how many sheep you have...

The presidents of Serbia, Mexico and the United States were each granted the ability to ask God one question...

The Serbian president first went up to God , and asked, "Father, when will my country finally be rid of poverty and corruption?

God paused, and then answered, "In 300 years, my son."

The Serbian president began to weep, "I won't live to see that day!"

Next the Mexican president ...

The talented pastor (nsfw)

Just heard Tom Rawson tell this one (he's mostly a singer, but he told a couple of jokes too):

A small-town preacher was proud of his ability to improvise a sermon on any topic, even if he knew nothing about it. He never prepared, just improvised on whatever came to his mind Sunday morning....

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