UPJOKE
ableskillcapabilityunableaptitudecompetencepowercapacityfacultyinabilityknowledgeexpertisepotentialstrengthmidas touch

We thought it was our ability to love that made us human,

but it turns out it was actually our ability to SELECT EACH IMAGE CONTAINING A TRUCK.

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I’m conducting a seminar to discuss my research into the benefits masturbation provides to the brains ability to process and remember new information.

Come to know more.

A neurologist was diagnosing a patient who lost his ability to do basic math

"What’s 9 plus 9?”
“12”.
“What’s 8 and 8?”
“10”.
The doctor shook his head. “Very interesting. What about 6 times 5?”
The man thought for a second, and answered “1E”.
“Aha, I’ve figured it out!” The doctor said. “Somebody’s clearly put a hex on you.”

I woke up with the ability to recall every cake and cupcake I ever ate.

Guess you could say I now have Duncan Hines-sight...

I told my friend I have an acute sense of when a deep hole with water is nearby. He said thats a useless ability.

I'm well aware

TIL about the Downing-Keurig Effect in which poor performers greatly overestimate their abilities. It shows that underperforming individuals “reach erroneous conclusions and make unfortunate choices, but their incompetence robs them of the ability to realize."

I feel so smart knowing about this.

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A story is told that in the mid 1990s, two men go to visit a doctor who is acclaimed for his ability to treat melancholia.

"We can’t eat, we can’t sleep,” say the men. “We feel contantly miserable. Please help us, doctor.”

“Laughter is the best medicine, my friends,” says the doctor. “Take yourself off to The Gathering of the Juggalos, where you will find Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope of the Insane Clown Posse perf...

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Kung Fu student asks his teacher

"Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated.

And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling migh...

Which superhero has the ability to stop a moving car?

Peter *Parker*

Did you know there is a wide variety in men’s ability to produce sperm?

In fact, there’s a vas deferens.

I have this incredible ability to predict what’s inside a wrapped present.

It’s a gift

A Scientist and his Frog

In order to learn more about the jumping ability of frogs, a scientist trained his frog to jump on command.

On day 1, he told the frog, "Jump, frog. Jump!" And, the frog jumped. The scientist wrote in his journal: "Frog successfully taught to jump."

On day 2, the scientist amputated ...

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I was telling a girl I met in a bar last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her tits.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.

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A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams.

A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams. Both teams trained long and hard. When race day came, both teams thought they were in top shape, but the Japanese won by far in the mile.

After the defeat, a defeatist mood prevailed among the ...

I lost the ability to hear on my left ear this morning

Thankfully my hearing is all right now.

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There is a global interest in survival and the ability to thrive after an apocalypse or major crisis.

Scientists decide that sending 3 men to a deserted island for 5 years with no hope of rescue or assistance would be a good indicator.

The United States, France, and China each offer up 1 person for the study and they all get sent to their fate.

5 years later a helicopter lands on the i...

What has 16 legs, 4 antlers, 4 tails, and, if seen in action, will forever inhibit your ability to sleep?

A polygamoose.

I’m aroused by my ability to see, hear, smell, taste, and touch

I’ve come to my senses

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Jack was from a poor family with many siblings [OC]

As the eldest child, he took up the responsibility of helping his parents financially by doing odd jobs, be it collecting recyclable scraps, cleaning, babysitting, dog walking or simple repair work. He had no choice but to drop out of high school at the age of 14 to work full time in order for his o...

Dad becomes freaked out over sons ability to make people die then he gets another surprise

So a dad and his family are praying one night and his son says, “Goodnight mama goodnight daddy and goodbye Grandpa”, next day grandpa dies. The dad is a little freaked out but is convinced this was just a tragic coincidence. Next night they are praying and his son says, “Goodnight mama goodnight da...

I have come to realize that all my exes in Archaeology class are doing better than me

They just seem to have a natural ability to dig up the past.

You either have ability...

...or you're nobility.



BOOM roasted. Take that, bourgeoise.

What did the fake psychic say when she got the ability to see the future?

I could prophet off of this.

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The sight of a woman's cleavage reduces a man's ability to think clearly by 50 %

Per boob.

I watched Into The Spiderverse and I wondered how Spider-Man always comes up with his witty comebacks.

Then it it me with great power comes great response ability.

My wife has a sinus condition that suppresses her ability to detect odors

But she gets offended when I tell people that she doesn't smell good.

I have developed this weird ability to move some spices and herbs

I can control thyme

A man loses the ability to hear lighter sounds.

He had worn headphones at high volume for too long.

One day, he went to the Doctor for his monthly checkup. He was sitting with the Doctor. The Doctor kept talking and talking for a long time. The deaf man then said:

"Sorry, I can't understand what you're saying. Usually I can heard s...

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I have the unique ability to eat two pieces of string and poop them out tied together...

I shit you knot

Why was the girl amazed at her ability to get pregnant from the world's smallest man?

Because she didn't know she had it in her.

(Internet Joke) We are basically monkeys, then what makes us human?!?

-Our less than 1% different genetic configuration?

-No!

-Sins like lust, envy, and jealousy?

-No!

-Qualities like love, compassion, and empathy?

-No!

-Greed for money and power?

-No!

-Altruistic values and moral capacity to renounce worldly pos...

A farmer gets a knock at his door late into the evening

Outside in the rain was a homeless man that begged to stay in the farmer's barn and work for food and shelter.

The farmer invites the man in and said "I wouldn't make you sleep in the barn. Especially while you're all wet. Come inside."

The homeless man is shocked by the farmer's gener...

I have the ability to cut a piece of wood in half just by staring at it. It's true...

I saw it with my own eyes.

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My wife thinks her ability to tie a cherry stem into a knot with her tongue is cool

but as a man with a cherry-stem-sized penis I'm horrified.

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Joke: Creation

*Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but He had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so He decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things He had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.*

*"It's a very hand...

Did you know turtles have the ability to understand puns?

I wish they would have tortoise that in school.

I have the ability to tell someone's dominant hand just by looking at them

Nine times out of ten, it's right.

I have an amazing ability to find things just before people lose them.

The police, however, insist on calling it theft.

I have a remarkable ability to see numbers as rainbow colors

But I can only count to seven

I have a special ability that allows me to see everything that happens next year.

I call it 2020 vision.

I'm going to hire a secretary based on ability, not looks, this time.

I just need someone who can answer phones while I'm banging the hot one.

Would you like the ability to read minds?

Mind mind mind mind mind mind mind mind mind mind

A guy lives in my building with the ability to change locks and unclog drains at will

He has super powers

So John Kelly claims that the lack of an ability to compromise led to the Civil War...

I wouldn’t say that’s 100% accurate, but at least 3/5ths.

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Three couples are looking to join a new church.

They all talk with the pastor, who gives them all a test.

"If you can abstain from having sex until next Sunday, then I'll let you join my congregation," he says. "I want to see how well you can stand up against temptation."

All three couples agree that it's a fair test, and they promi...

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Hitler used an astrologist to give him guidance in battle...

One day he told the man, "you've served me well. We are winning battles and the war and I'm very pleased with your work. Your ability to predict the future is amazing. But there's one thing I wondered about and wanted to ask you."

How can I serve you mein Fuhrer?

"Do you know what day ...

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When it gets dark, I have a supernatural ability to detect when and at what altitude murderous clowns ejaculate.

I can feel IT cumming in the air tonight.

Him: I have the ability to detect whenever I'm near a certain type of Middle-Eastern bread.

Her: Well, that's just naan sense.

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My ability to have repeated sex is like a movie.

In my 20s, it was *Let's Do It Again.* In my 40s, it was *48 Hours*. Pretty soon, it will be *28 Days Later.*

A man is taking a stroll through Central Park…

… when he finds a lamp on the ground. Curious, the man picks it up and rubs it - and a genie appears! The genie, however, apologizes - after millennia of wear and tear, he can only grant one wish, and what’s worse is that it can only be one of three options.

The first is to be the most attrac...

50% of being a lawyer is the ability to use latin phrases that people don't understand

the other 50% is *ad hoc ergo propter hoc*

They say a man's attractiveness is tied to his chess ability...

Unfortunately, I'm really bad at mating.

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A very drunk patron at a bar is trying to impress everyone with his fighting ability.

"I am trained in every hand-to-hand combat there is," he says. To further prove his point, he walks up to Boudreaux, who happened to be in the bar, and whops him behind the neck! "Karate chop from China," he says.

Poor Boudreaux gets up off the floor and sits back in his seat, saying nothing....

A guys mother in law comes to live with him

One day he comes home to find her passed out on the floor. He calls 911, the paramedics come and pick her up and take her to the hospital.

The guy goes to the hospital and is in the waiting room when the doctor comes out.

The doctor says, “Well, I have some good news and some bad new...

I have the ability to leave a building 5m before the fire alarm starts

I call it premature evacuation.

What is the key to bragging about your ability to time travel?

A Flex Capacitor.

My friend has a unique ability; he can always tell if there are lions near by.

He's got a great sense of pride.

Whenever my buddy gets high, he gains a strange ability to speak multiple languages.

He is Rosetta stoned.

I have the ability to jump out of an aeroplane, mid-air and without a parachute.

Once.

If One Had The Ability To Control Bacteria...

That would be pretty sick

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For my cake day, I want to share a joke my friend told me

When I was born, god gave me the option between choosing the ability to finish stories, or having a big dick.

Obviously, I chose

Your ability to combine photos into a beautiful and evocative display is amazing!

Well, I am a collage graduate.

If dogs had the ability to speak to humans

We still would have no idea what Scottish Terriers would be trying to tell us.

Diplomacy is the ability to tell someone to go to hell...

..in such a way that they look forward to the trip.

So a man one day gains the ability to make a car made of coins.

It's acceleration was a quarter faster than a dragster, the frame costed mere pennies, and the interior was full nickel, but people didn't think it made cents.

A news reporter rushes to the man in awe, asking, but does it even have brakes? The man simply looked back and said "Of course. It st...

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What’s the difference between Jesus and vaccines?

One has the ability to prevent disease, slow down and eventually stop a global pandemic, and has saved countless millions of lives.

The other is a giant hoax, made up by evil shit bags to control the global population.

What's black and long and has the ability to make any woman fall on the floor?

A police baton

My friend asked me how would people survive without the ability to see, hear, smell, taste, or feel.

I told him: It's nonsense.

What's the good thing about harsh memes mocking Stevie Wonders ability to see?

He can't see them.

I have an ability that I can leave buildings 3m before the fire alarm goes off

But for some reason people call me pyromaniac

In 1969, the Beatles originally wrote one of their hit songs for a Broadway version of Peter Pan. Captain Hook’s right hand man wanted to Broker a truce that would give Hook the ability to fly and give Peter and the Lost Boys safety from pirates. It ended with a big event where Hook and Peter flew..

Come together, right now... over Smee.

What kind of STD ruins a dogs ability to smell?

*Sniffilis*

Did you hear about the transformer who lost his ability to change into a seven-sided shape?

He's a de-septagon.

I lacked confidence in my ability as a sheep shearer....until I started shearing female sheep....

Ewes make me feel like a natural woolman....

Marvel are developing a new super hero who has the ability to remotely edit people’s DNA.

He will be called “Gene Hackman”

My newborn nephew entered the world with the innate ability to dance. They ran tests and found that he got the ability by being born with an extra chromosome. The doctors are calling it...

"Get down syndrome"

What country questions your ability to perform?

Ken ya? Ken ya?

What would a skeptic say if you were to tell them that you had a supernatural ability to detect Indian bread?

Naansense!

I have a special ability that lets me see both the past and future at the same time.

Some say it's a gift, but I think of it as the present.

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Beauty, self image and the ability to transform.

Martha was ugly like a shaven baboon,

So she wrapped herself up in a curtain cocoon.

After a week she finally emerged,

She smelled like shit what a psycho.

>Credits to Bo Burnham

The mountain gazelle is said to have the ability to jump higher than the average house

Considering houses don't jump

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After God made all the animals

He went to Adam and Eve he told them

" I have two leftover traits that I think you should have it, first I have the ability to urinate while standing

Adam, interrupting god said: " please let me have it, it will go very well with my member, this is made for man, please God please pleas...

Making fun of a short's person height is cruel and requires no ability...

... one could even say it's the lowest form of humour.

So I was in a wrestling match in highschool

It was senior night, I was in the 185 lb weight class and our team desperately needed the points from my bout. The only problem was I up against killer Kenny D from Spartanburg. Dude was going Division 1 and was all state. I didn't think I had a chance against him and his signature pretzel move. Thi...

An Emperor wanted to prove that he was greater than Alexander the Great

So he visited an elderly Council of Historians who had the power to write an Emperor's legacy after his time and spread his fame far and wide.

He asked them, "O Great Historians, what made Alexander a Great King? I wish to be greater than him and the greatest in human history"

And he ...

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An old Jew is on his deathbed. He gathered his three sons and says to them:

\- My children, I have always appreciated the ability to rest, and I will give my inheritance to the laziest of you. My eldest son, come to me.

\- Yes, dad.

\- If you were walking down the street and saw a wad of $100 bills, what would you do?

\- I would walk past them.

\...

When people find out I work in a food tinning factory they always doubt my ability to do my job.

But I can.

Some scientists believe the ability to create language was because we ate so much meat as primates.

That's why vegans can only say "i'm vegan".

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After God created the world and Adam & Eve

[NSFW]

He still had 2 gifts left. God said: "The first is to stand up and pee..."
"uh, pick me, pick me, I want that" Adam interrupted.
"You don't want to hear what the other one is?" God replied, but Adam was already on his way to test out this new gift.
"Very well, eve!" God said...

I asked a genie for the ability to shoot microwaves from my hands...

Clunk. These are heavy.

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