UPJOKE
ableskillcapabilityunableaptitudecompetencepowercapacityfacultyinabilityknowledgeexpertisepotentialstrengthmidas touch

Never underestimate the ability of someone with a one track mind

To lose his train of thought.

Ba dum tiss.

We thought it was our ability to love that made us human,

but it turns out it was actually our ability to SELECT EACH IMAGE CONTAINING A TRUCK.

The other day I met a sentient ant who grew fond of me. It turns out he has the ability to type and write as well…

This looks like it’s all a cake day joke, but it’s just fondant.

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What do you call incels lying about their ability to play musical instruments to impress sexy e-girls?

A simp-phony

Now that the US Supreme Court has crippled the EPA's ability to fight climate change, I'm going to buy myself some beachfront property ...

... in Utah.

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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

...

A neurologist was diagnosing a patient who lost his ability to do basic math

"What’s 9 plus 9?”
“12”.
“What’s 8 and 8?”
“10”.
The doctor shook his head. “Very interesting. What about 6 times 5?”
The man thought for a second, and answered “1E”.
“Aha, I’ve figured it out!” The doctor said. “Somebody’s clearly put a hex on you.”

I told my friend I have an acute sense of when a deep hole with water is nearby. He said thats a useless ability.

I'm well aware

I was thinking about adopting a rare turtle today…

Ever since the oil spills in the Gulf of Mexico the turtles have been different. Apparently some of the dish soap used to clean the animals leaked into the ocean and the turtles drank it. It doesn’t harm the turtles, but they have the weird ability to pee out the dish soap.

Anyway the turtle...

I woke up with the ability to recall every cake and cupcake I ever ate.

Guess you could say I now have Duncan Hines-sight...

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I was telling a girl I met in a bar last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her tits.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.

TIL about the Downing-Keurig Effect in which poor performers greatly overestimate their abilities. It shows that underperforming individuals “reach erroneous conclusions and make unfortunate choices, but their incompetence robs them of the ability to realize."

I feel so smart knowing about this.

A priest was approached one night by Satan himself.

"Do not be frightened," said Satan. "I have an offer to make. I will make you tremendously powerful, famous and rich in return for just one small favour: half of your ability to hear."

The priest was stunned. "Let me think about it for a few days."

The next morning, the priest requeste...

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A golfing instructor has no luck teaching a young, married woman. (NSFW)

Whatever he tries, she is still just terrible, either missing the ball completely or taking chunks out of the grass.

This is beginning to affect his ability to get new clients, and he is constantly getting ribbed by colleagues.

One lesson, after angrily stamping a clump of grass back i...

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A story is told that in the mid 1990s, two men go to visit a doctor who is acclaimed for his ability to treat melancholia.

"We can’t eat, we can’t sleep,” say the men. “We feel contantly miserable. Please help us, doctor.”

“Laughter is the best medicine, my friends,” says the doctor. “Take yourself off to The Gathering of the Juggalos, where you will find Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope of the Insane Clown Posse perf...

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Tortoise and Rabbit. Antagonist view.

A different insight into the story of hare and tortoise:-

E𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒓𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒍𝒅 𝒉𝒂𝒔 𝒌𝒆𝒑𝒕 𝒈𝒊𝒗𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒆𝒙𝒂𝒎𝒑𝒍𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝑻𝒐𝒓𝒕𝒐𝒊𝒔𝒆… 𝑺𝒂𝒚𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒔𝒍𝒐𝒘 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒚 𝒘𝒊𝒏𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒓𝒂𝒄𝒆, 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒆𝒎𝒑𝒉𝒂𝒔𝒊𝒛𝒊𝒏𝒈...

I have this incredible ability to predict what’s inside a wrapped present.

It’s a gift

Did you know there is a wide variety in men’s ability to produce sperm?

In fact, there’s a vas deferens.

Which superhero has the ability to stop a moving car?

Peter *Parker*

What’s a quality you look for in a good lawyer?

Lie-ability

(Just getting started in comedy and want to test a few of my jokes here).

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There is a global interest in survival and the ability to thrive after an apocalypse or major crisis.

Scientists decide that sending 3 men to a deserted island for 5 years with no hope of rescue or assistance would be a good indicator.

The United States, France, and China each offer up 1 person for the study and they all get sent to their fate.

5 years later a helicopter lands on the i...

I lost the ability to hear on my left ear this morning

Thankfully my hearing is all right now.

You either have ability...

...or you're nobility.



BOOM roasted. Take that, bourgeoise.

I’m aroused by my ability to see, hear, smell, taste, and touch

I’ve come to my senses

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A student raising their hand during a crowded final exam of their master’s degree

“Yes. What is your question?”
The student reposes.
“ Sir, I would like confirmation of the current assignment. You have placed 80% of our grade onto a single true or false question?”

The teacher replies. “Yes, absolutely I have. There is nothing more to teach you. The only thing that I ...

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The sight of a woman's cleavage reduces a man's ability to think clearly by 50 %

Per boob.

What has 16 legs, 4 antlers, 4 tails, and, if seen in action, will forever inhibit your ability to sleep?

A polygamoose.

If you think lawyers don't have hearts, read this

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying,'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two m...

Dad becomes freaked out over sons ability to make people die then he gets another surprise

So a dad and his family are praying one night and his son says, “Goodnight mama goodnight daddy and goodbye Grandpa”, next day grandpa dies. The dad is a little freaked out but is convinced this was just a tragic coincidence. Next night they are praying and his son says, “Goodnight mama goodnight da...

The majority of archaeologists are women.

Because of their natural ability to dig up the past.

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A toothbrush salesman had a booth on a street corner.

One day he was approached by a man looking for a job. The salesman, skeptical of this random person’s sales ability, agreed that if the man could sell 100 toothbrushes in a day, that he could have the job.

At the end of the day the man approached him saying “I’ve sold all 100 toothbrush, can ...

What did the fake psychic say when she got the ability to see the future?

I could prophet off of this.

The best doctor in town vs John

There is a doctor in town who can cure almost any sickness. His confidence for his ability made him put up a sign that says "If I heal you, you pay $100. If I can't, I'll give you $200". John saw this and decided to take advantage of it. He came to the clinic the next day claiming to have lost the s...

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I have the unique ability to eat two pieces of string and poop them out tied together...

I shit you knot

I have the ability to cut a piece of wood in half just by staring at it. It's true...

I saw it with my own eyes.

My wife has a sinus condition that suppresses her ability to detect odors

But she gets offended when I tell people that she doesn't smell good.

I have developed this weird ability to move some spices and herbs

I can control thyme

Why was the girl amazed at her ability to get pregnant from the world's smallest man?

Because she didn't know she had it in her.

A man loses the ability to hear lighter sounds.

He had worn headphones at high volume for too long.

One day, he went to the Doctor for his monthly checkup. He was sitting with the Doctor. The Doctor kept talking and talking for a long time. The deaf man then said:

"Sorry, I can't understand what you're saying. Usually I can heard s...

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My wife thinks her ability to tie a cherry stem into a knot with her tongue is cool

but as a man with a cherry-stem-sized penis I'm horrified.

If you had the ability to infect a single person with COVID-19, who would it be?

And who would be the next president?

Some Engineering Teachers Sat In a Plane

A group of engineering teachers were invited to sit in a plane. Once everyone was comfortably seated, they were informed that the plane was built by their engineering students. Immediately, all the teachers scrambled to get out of the plane- all but one. When asked why, the teacher responded:
...

Did you know turtles have the ability to understand puns?

I wish they would have tortoise that in school.

I have the ability to tell someone's dominant hand just by looking at them

Nine times out of ten, it's right.

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A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams.

A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams. Both teams trained long and hard. When race day came, both teams thought they were in top shape, but the Japanese won by far in the mile.

After the defeat, a defeatist mood prevailed among the ...

Would you like the ability to read minds?

Mind mind mind mind mind mind mind mind mind mind

My teacher said “we have the ability to clone we just don’t know what kind of rights they should have.”

I simply replied “copyright”

So John Kelly claims that the lack of an ability to compromise led to the Civil War...

I wouldn’t say that’s 100% accurate, but at least 3/5ths.

I have an amazing ability to find things just before people lose them.

The police, however, insist on calling it theft.

In Star Wars Legends, Rey discovers an unusual force ability...

...this allows her to turn as dark as the night like a shadow and even become the shadows of others, useful for creeping up on enemies. The First Order Stormtroopers spoke about this amazing power having heard about it from a commanding officer Rey fought with the force. "Sir was spun around and kno...

A Scientist and his Frog

In order to learn more about the jumping ability of frogs, a scientist trained his frog to jump on command.

On day 1, he told the frog, "Jump, frog. Jump!" And, the frog jumped. The scientist wrote in his journal: "Frog successfully taught to jump."

On day 2, the scientist amputated ...

I have a special ability that allows me to see everything that happens next year.

I call it 2020 vision.

A guy lives in my building with the ability to change locks and unclog drains at will

He has super powers

I'm going to hire a secretary based on ability, not looks, this time.

I just need someone who can answer phones while I'm banging the hot one.

50% of being a lawyer is the ability to use latin phrases that people don't understand

the other 50% is *ad hoc ergo propter hoc*

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When it gets dark, I have a supernatural ability to detect when and at what altitude murderous clowns ejaculate.

I can feel IT cumming in the air tonight.

I watched Into The Spiderverse and I wondered how Spider-Man always comes up with his witty comebacks.

Then it it me with great power comes great response ability.

I have a remarkable ability to see numbers as rainbow colors

But I can only count to seven

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My ability to have repeated sex is like a movie.

In my 20s, it was *Let's Do It Again.* In my 40s, it was *48 Hours*. Pretty soon, it will be *28 Days Later.*

They say a man's attractiveness is tied to his chess ability...

Unfortunately, I'm really bad at mating.

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Jack was from a poor family with many siblings [OC]

As the eldest child, he took up the responsibility of helping his parents financially by doing odd jobs, be it collecting recyclable scraps, cleaning, babysitting, dog walking or simple repair work. He had no choice but to drop out of high school at the age of 14 to work full time in order for his o...

Him: I have the ability to detect whenever I'm near a certain type of Middle-Eastern bread.

Her: Well, that's just naan sense.

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A very drunk patron at a bar is trying to impress everyone with his fighting ability.

"I am trained in every hand-to-hand combat there is," he says. To further prove his point, he walks up to Boudreaux, who happened to be in the bar, and whops him behind the neck! "Karate chop from China," he says.

Poor Boudreaux gets up off the floor and sits back in his seat, saying nothing....

I have the ability to leave a building 5m before the fire alarm starts

I call it premature evacuation.

My friend has a unique ability; he can always tell if there are lions near by.

He's got a great sense of pride.

Whenever my buddy gets high, he gains a strange ability to speak multiple languages.

He is Rosetta stoned.

If dogs had the ability to speak to humans

We still would have no idea what Scottish Terriers would be trying to tell us.

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Joke: Creation

*Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but He had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so He decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things He had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.*

*"It's a very hand...

If One Had The Ability To Control Bacteria...

That would be pretty sick

Diplomacy is the ability to tell someone to go to hell...

..in such a way that they look forward to the trip.

I have come to realize that all my exes in Archaeology class are doing better than me

They just seem to have a natural ability to dig up the past.

Did you hear about the transformer who lost his ability to change into a seven-sided shape?

He's a de-septagon.

So a man one day gains the ability to make a car made of coins.

It's acceleration was a quarter faster than a dragster, the frame costed mere pennies, and the interior was full nickel, but people didn't think it made cents.

A news reporter rushes to the man in awe, asking, but does it even have brakes? The man simply looked back and said "Of course. It st...

Your ability to combine photos into a beautiful and evocative display is amazing!

Well, I am a collage graduate.

What's black and long and has the ability to make any woman fall on the floor?

A police baton

I have an ability that I can leave buildings 3m before the fire alarm goes off

But for some reason people call me pyromaniac

In 1969, the Beatles originally wrote one of their hit songs for a Broadway version of Peter Pan. Captain Hook’s right hand man wanted to Broker a truce that would give Hook the ability to fly and give Peter and the Lost Boys safety from pirates. It ended with a big event where Hook and Peter flew..

Come together, right now... over Smee.

I lacked confidence in my ability as a sheep shearer....until I started shearing female sheep....

Ewes make me feel like a natural woolman....

What's the good thing about harsh memes mocking Stevie Wonders ability to see?

He can't see them.

What kind of STD ruins a dogs ability to smell?

*Sniffilis*

My newborn nephew entered the world with the innate ability to dance. They ran tests and found that he got the ability by being born with an extra chromosome. The doctors are calling it...

"Get down syndrome"

A farmer gets a knock at his door late into the evening

Outside in the rain was a homeless man that begged to stay in the farmer's barn and work for food and shelter.

The farmer invites the man in and said "I wouldn't make you sleep in the barn. Especially while you're all wet. Come inside."

The homeless man is shocked by the farmer's gener...

My friend asked me how would people survive without the ability to see, hear, smell, taste, or feel.

I told him: It's nonsense.

Marvel are developing a new super hero who has the ability to remotely edit people’s DNA.

He will be called “Gene Hackman”

What country questions your ability to perform?

Ken ya? Ken ya?

What would a skeptic say if you were to tell them that you had a supernatural ability to detect Indian bread?

Naansense!

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Beauty, self image and the ability to transform.

Martha was ugly like a shaven baboon,

So she wrapped herself up in a curtain cocoon.

After a week she finally emerged,

She smelled like shit what a psycho.

>Credits to Bo Burnham

I have a special ability that lets me see both the past and future at the same time.

Some say it's a gift, but I think of it as the present.

The mountain gazelle is said to have the ability to jump higher than the average house

Considering houses don't jump

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For my cake day, I want to share a joke my friend told me

When I was born, god gave me the option between choosing the ability to finish stories, or having a big dick.

Obviously, I chose

Making fun of a short's person height is cruel and requires no ability...

... one could even say it's the lowest form of humour.

When people find out I work in a food tinning factory they always doubt my ability to do my job.

But I can.

Some scientists believe the ability to create language was because we ate so much meat as primates.

That's why vegans can only say "i'm vegan".

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Hitler used an astrologist to give him guidance in battle...

One day he told the man, "you've served me well. We are winning battles and the war and I'm very pleased with your work. Your ability to predict the future is amazing. But there's one thing I wondered about and wanted to ask you."

How can I serve you mein Fuhrer?

"Do you know what day ...

I asked a genie for the ability to shoot microwaves from my hands...

Clunk. These are heavy.

The presidents of Serbia, Mexico and the United States were each granted the ability to ask God one question...

The Serbian president first went up to God , and asked, "Father, when will my country finally be rid of poverty and corruption?

God paused, and then answered, "In 300 years, my son."

The Serbian president began to weep, "I won't live to see that day!"

Next the Mexican president ...

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What’s the difference between Jesus and vaccines?

One has the ability to prevent disease, slow down and eventually stop a global pandemic, and has saved countless millions of lives.

The other is a giant hoax, made up by evil shit bags to control the global population.

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