I told my friend I have an acute sense of when a deep hole with water is nearby. He said thats a useless ability.

I'm well aware

Which superhero has the ability to stop a moving car?

Peter *Parker*

Did you know there is a wide variety in men’s ability to produce sperm?

In fact, there’s a vas deferens.

I lost the ability to hear on my left ear this morning

Thankfully my hearing is all right now.

What has 16 legs, 4 antlers, 4 tails, and, if seen in action, will forever inhibit your ability to sleep?

A polygamoose.

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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

...

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There is a global interest in survival and the ability to thrive after an apocalypse or major crisis.

Scientists decide that sending 3 men to a deserted island for 5 years with no hope of rescue or assistance would be a good indicator.

The United States, France, and China each offer up 1 person for the study and they all get sent to their fate.

5 years later a helicopter lands on the i...

I have this incredible ability to predict what’s inside a wrapped present.

It’s a gift

Dad becomes freaked out over sons ability to make people die then he gets another surprise

So a dad and his family are praying one night and his son says, “Goodnight mama goodnight daddy and goodbye Grandpa”, next day grandpa dies. The dad is a little freaked out but is convinced this was just a tragic coincidence. Next night they are praying and his son says, “Goodnight mama goodnight da...

I’m aroused by my ability to see, hear, smell, taste, and touch

I’ve come to my senses

You either have ability...

...or you're nobility.



BOOM roasted. Take that, bourgeoise.

What did the fake psychic say when she got the ability to see the future?

I could prophet off of this.

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What’s the difference between Jesus and vaccines?

One has the ability to prevent disease, slow down and eventually stop a global pandemic, and has saved countless millions of lives.

The other is a giant hoax, made up by evil shit bags to control the global population.

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I was telling a girl I met in a bar last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her tits.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.

So I was in a wrestling match in highschool

It was senior night, I was in the 185 lb weight class and our team desperately needed the points from my bout. The only problem was I up against killer Kenny D from Spartanburg. Dude was going Division 1 and was all state. I didn't think I had a chance against him and his signature pretzel move. Thi...

A man loses the ability to hear lighter sounds.

He had worn headphones at high volume for too long.

One day, he went to the Doctor for his monthly checkup. He was sitting with the Doctor. The Doctor kept talking and talking for a long time. The deaf man then said:

"Sorry, I can't understand what you're saying. Usually I can heard s...

A guy goes into his attic to clean it out and finds an old lamp.

He thinks he could sell it so he starts to rub it and out pops this genie.
The genie says to him " Thank you for awakening me, I can grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude."
The guy wishes for a billion dollars, the genie grants it.
The guy then asks for a huge mansion with 2 ...

My wife has a sinus condition that suppresses her ability to detect odors

But she gets offended when I tell people that she doesn't smell good.

I have developed this weird ability to move some spices and herbs

I can control thyme

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After God made all the animals

He went to Adam and Eve he told them

" I have two leftover traits that I think you should have it, first I have the ability to urinate while standing

Adam, interrupting god said: " please let me have it, it will go very well with my member, this is made for man, please God please pleas...

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I was asked during a job interview....

what is my greatest strength? I replied, " My greatest strength is my ability to give my opinion on anything regardless of other's feelings or concern. ".
The person interviewing me started to say," I don't see that as a strength rather it's weak...".
I quickly said, " I don't give a fuck what...

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An old Jew is on his deathbed. He gathered his three sons and says to them:

\- My children, I have always appreciated the ability to rest, and I will give my inheritance to the laziest of you. My eldest son, come to me.

\- Yes, dad.

\- If you were walking down the street and saw a wad of $100 bills, what would you do?

\- I would walk past them.

\...

Why is spider-man so good at making quips??

Because with great power comes great response-ability.

So, Richard Feynman applies for a job...

Interviewer: Now comes the part of the interview where we ask a question to test your creative thinking ability. Don’t think too hard about it, just apply everyday common sense, and describe your reasoning process.

Here’s the question: Why are manhole covers round?

Feynman: They’re not...

People keep telling me the fact I lost my ability to smell could be due to Corona and I should get tested.

That's nonsense, I think it's due to the frequent washing.

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My wife thinks her ability to tie a cherry stem into a knot with her tongue is cool

but as a man with a cherry-stem-sized penis I'm horrified.

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The sight of a woman's cleavage reduces a man's ability to think clearly by 50 %

Per boob.

Why was the girl amazed at her ability to get pregnant from the world's smallest man?

Because she didn't know she had it in her.

My friend has the ability to hike the most complex of trails without getting lost.

It’s pathological.

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After God created the world and Adam & Eve

[NSFW]

He still had 2 gifts left. God said: "The first is to stand up and pee..."
"uh, pick me, pick me, I want that" Adam interrupted.
"You don't want to hear what the other one is?" God replied, but Adam was already on his way to test out this new gift.
"Very well, eve!" God said...

Did you know turtles have the ability to understand puns?

I wish they would have tortoise that in school.

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I have the unique ability to eat two pieces of string and poop them out tied together...

I shit you knot

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For my cake day, I want to share a joke my friend told me

When I was born, god gave me the option between choosing the ability to finish stories, or having a big dick.

Obviously, I chose

Why does spiderman always have the best comebacks?

With great power comes great response ability!

My teacher said “we have the ability to clone we just don’t know what kind of rights they should have.”

I simply replied “copyright”

I have the ability to tell someone's dominant hand just by looking at them

Nine times out of ten, it's right.

I was blessed with the gift of hindsight

- But that's not a special ability
- I can see that now

Why did the gymnast become a body builder?

To increase flex-ability

Freud, Darwin and the Pope walked into a bar.

Sitting on the counter is a weird, creepy statue. As they walk in, it's eyes seem to follow them.
They approach the bar, and to their shock the statue speaks. "Enjoy your beverages, mortals."

The three are stunned for a moment.
Darwin recovers first.
"This obviously is a product of ...

Why are most archaeologists women?

Because of their inherent ability to dig up the past

Step 1: Travel back in time

Step 2: Impress people with your ability to predict the future

Step 3: ???

Step 4: Prophet

Him: I have the ability to detect whenever I'm near a certain type of Middle-Eastern bread.

Her: Well, that's just naan sense.

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An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests...

The last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he figured that the latest episode was just that, so he stayed put.

Suddenly, however, he filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rationa...

I have a special ability that allows me to see everything that happens next year.

I call it 2020 vision.

I have an amazing ability to find things just before people lose them.

The police, however, insist on calling it theft.

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My ability to have repeated sex is like a movie.

In my 20s, it was *Let's Do It Again.* In my 40s, it was *48 Hours*. Pretty soon, it will be *28 Days Later.*

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When it gets dark, I have a supernatural ability to detect when and at what altitude murderous clowns ejaculate.

I can feel IT cumming in the air tonight.

A guy lives in my building with the ability to change locks and unclog drains at will

He has super powers

Why did tiger quit golf?

He lost the ability to drive

Would you like the ability to read minds?

Mind mind mind mind mind mind mind mind mind mind

So John Kelly claims that the lack of an ability to compromise led to the Civil War...

I wouldn’t say that’s 100% accurate, but at least 3/5ths.

i got a A on my midterm, then got testicular torsion and a C on the final

there was a vas deferens in my ability to focus

What is the key to bragging about your ability to time travel?

A Flex Capacitor.

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A very drunk patron at a bar is trying to impress everyone with his fighting ability.

"I am trained in every hand-to-hand combat there is," he says. To further prove his point, he walks up to Boudreaux, who happened to be in the bar, and whops him behind the neck! "Karate chop from China," he says.

Poor Boudreaux gets up off the floor and sits back in his seat, saying nothing....

I'm going to hire a secretary based on ability, not looks, this time.

I just need someone who can answer phones while I'm banging the hot one.

Your ability to combine photos into a beautiful and evocative display is amazing!

Well, I am a collage graduate.

I have the ability to leave a building 5m before the fire alarm starts

I call it premature evacuation.

I have the ability to jump out of an aeroplane, mid-air and without a parachute.

Once.

They say a man's attractiveness is tied to his chess ability...

Unfortunately, I'm really bad at mating.

My friend has a unique ability; he can always tell if there are lions near by.

He's got a great sense of pride.

A New Strain Spreading Faster Than COVID

Scientists have discovered a powerful new strain of fact-resistant humans who are threatening the ability of Earth to sustain life, a sobering new study reports.

Scientists warn that a virulent strain of humans are virtually immune to any form of verifiable knowledge, leaving researchers at a...

If One Had The Ability To Control Bacteria...

That would be pretty sick

Whenever my buddy gets high, he gains a strange ability to speak multiple languages.

He is Rosetta stoned.

50% of being a lawyer is the ability to use latin phrases that people don't understand

the other 50% is *ad hoc ergo propter hoc*

A Chemist, an Engineer, an Electrician and an IT guy get stranded on the side of the road after their car break down...

It’s the dead of winter and the wind chill is below freezing. One of them gets off the phone with the towing company, “they said it’s going to be at least two hours.” They all stay in the car.


After a few minutes the Chemist tells the other three, “I’m pretty sure I know what happened......

What's black and long and has the ability to make any woman fall on the floor?

A police baton

Diplomacy is the ability to tell someone to go to hell...

..in such a way that they look forward to the trip.

So a man one day gains the ability to make a car made of coins.

It's acceleration was a quarter faster than a dragster, the frame costed mere pennies, and the interior was full nickel, but people didn't think it made cents.

A news reporter rushes to the man in awe, asking, but does it even have brakes? The man simply looked back and said "Of course. It st...

What's the good thing about harsh memes mocking Stevie Wonders ability to see?

He can't see them.

What kind of STD ruins a dogs ability to smell?

*Sniffilis*

I have an ability that I can leave buildings 3m before the fire alarm goes off

But for some reason people call me pyromaniac

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The Post Turtle

An old man was in the ER having a wound stitched up.

As they chatted the subject eventually turned to politics.
The Dr. asked the man his thoughts on President Trump.

The old man told him that Trump was a post turtle.
Not understand the term the Dr. asked the man what a post turt...

In 1969, the Beatles originally wrote one of their hit songs for a Broadway version of Peter Pan. Captain Hook’s right hand man wanted to Broker a truce that would give Hook the ability to fly and give Peter and the Lost Boys safety from pirates. It ended with a big event where Hook and Peter flew..

Come together, right now... over Smee.

If dogs had the ability to speak to humans

We still would have no idea what Scottish Terriers would be trying to tell us.

My friend asked me how would people survive without the ability to see, hear, smell, taste, or feel.

I told him: It's nonsense.

Irish Cow Joke

There is an old dirt farm family who have nothing of value in this world but their milk cow. Now this was z good milk cow, which gave good high quality milk which they were able to sell and get along, so the family was actually very content. Well one day the father gets up early to milk the cow, as ...

Why is Spider-Man so good at comebacks?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

A blonde girl...

...wants to know what life is like as a brunette girl, os she goes to the hairdresser and has her hair died brown.

Eager to show the wrld her newly acquired intelligence, she goes on a walk and meets a shepherd.. She walks towards him and says:

‟if i can guess how many sheep you've i...

I lacked confidence in my ability as a sheep shearer....until I started shearing female sheep....

Ewes make me feel like a natural woolman....

Marvel are developing a new super hero who has the ability to remotely edit people’s DNA.

He will be called “Gene Hackman”

What's the difference between a parakeet and Donald Trump?

About 5 IQ points and the ability to tweet.

What country questions your ability to perform?

Ken ya? Ken ya?

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A guy goes to an interview for a job as a government accountant.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"
The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam."
"Good," says the interviewer, "that counts in your favor. Do you have any service related disabilities?"
The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion r...

Three friends are out fishing, having a competition to see who can catch the biggest fish.

The first guy says “Ill use worms as bait, surely this will catch the largest fish. My dad was a fisherman for all of his life, and taught me all of his tricks to catching the biggest fish. There is no possible way you guys can beat me.”

The second guy bursts out laughing. “You expect to catc...

I have a special ability that lets me see both the past and future at the same time.

Some say it's a gift, but I think of it as the present.

My newborn nephew entered the world with the innate ability to dance. They ran tests and found that he got the ability by being born with an extra chromosome. The doctors are calling it...

"Get down syndrome"

Did you hear about the transformer who lost his ability to change into a seven-sided shape?

He's a de-septagon.

What would a skeptic say if you were to tell them that you had a supernatural ability to detect Indian bread?

Naansense!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Beauty, self image and the ability to transform.

Martha was ugly like a shaven baboon,

So she wrapped herself up in a curtain cocoon.

After a week she finally emerged,

She smelled like shit what a psycho.

>Credits to Bo Burnham

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You didn't expect a snail joke, but here it is.

**God:** To each of man and woman, I bestow a way to sexually reproduce with distinct organs, the act of which will give them the ability to express love and gain from it the nectar of pure pleasure.

**Angel:** And what about snails?

**God:** Snails can go fuck themselves.

The mountain gazelle is said to have the ability to jump higher than the average house

Considering houses don't jump

When people find out I work in a food tinning factory they always doubt my ability to do my job.

But I can.

Making fun of a short's person height is cruel and requires no ability...

... one could even say it's the lowest form of humour.

Some scientists believe the ability to create language was because we ate so much meat as primates.

That's why vegans can only say "i'm vegan".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a count...

I asked a genie for the ability to shoot microwaves from my hands...

Clunk. These are heavy.

A diver is applying a job

Hiring manager: what is your ability?

Diver: i can work under pressure

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God has finished creating Adam and Eve

They stand before him and he says, “I have two things left but I don’t know who should get what.”
Adam asks “What’s the first one?”
God says “the ability to pee standing up.”
Adam immediately says “Oh! Yes please! I want that one!” Before Eve could utter a word.
God says “Done!” And Ada...

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An Italian man is looking wistfully out at his fields...

It's spring, and for decades and decades now, he's always planted tomatoes, a tradition he brought over all the way from the old country to his adopted home in the US.

Unfortunately, he's getting old, and the work of turning the soil over to prepare for planting the tomatoes is beyond his bod...

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