UPJOKE
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The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged And dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.

The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels." He said. "Impressive," said the manager.

The man is given another. "Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the N...

I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.

Eventually, he called me on my phone and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

I replied, "£100 and it's yours."

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A guy went into a bank to ask for a loan. ‘I have some black powder,’ he told the manager. ‘You sprinkle it on a woman’s vagina and it makes it taste like a peach.’ ‘I’m sorry,’ said the manager. ‘I don’t think we can give you a loan for that.’

A few months later the same guy entered the same bank pushing a wheelbarrow full of money.
The manager said: ‘Congratulations. I guess that idea for black powder really paid off.’
‘No, that didn’t go anywhere. I made my money with this white powder.’
‘Really?’ said the manager. ‘What doe...

A programmer and his project manager board a train headed through the mountains. They can find no other place to sit, except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it becomes quite clear that the woman and the programmer are interested in each other, as they keep looking at each other.

Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is the sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train finally e...

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Management Lessons

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, 'I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you.
But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on t...

A scientist announced he managed to cool something down to absolute zero.

It was 0K.

Why did the frog complain to the manager at a restaurant?

There wasn't a fly in his soup

Just got fired from my new job as a supply chain manager...

My boss just said, "That's LIFO."

A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”

The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit?

I said no. Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.

On a train to a large computer convention, there were 3 software engineers and 3 managers...

Each of the managers had a train ticket. The group of engineers had only ONE ticket for all of them. The managers started laughing, figuring the engineers were going to get caught and thrown off the train.

When one of the engineers, the lookout, said, “Here comes the conductor,” all of the en...

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Asks to speak to the manager...

A sexy woman walks up to the counter and motions the bartender over.

She starts to run her fingers through his hair and asks to speak to the manager.
The Bartender replies, “Sorry, the manager is out. Can I help you?”
By this time the woman has run her fingers over his face and in h...

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town...

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager: 'Go upto the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the differ...

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For those who don't understand why management at Netflix has collectively shit the bed.

It's a Heard mentality.

I went for an interview for a job today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who’s responsible.”

“Well, I’m your man!!” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

So I just started anger management

Apparently it's all the rage right now

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A man walks into a restaurant with an emu by his side.

The waitress asks for their orders. The man says: “A burger, chips and a coke, please.”

He then turns to the emu and nods. “I’ll have the same,” says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order and says: “That will be £14.40 please.” The man reaches into his pocket ...

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The a...

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I applied to manage the US Naval sperm bank in Bangkok. The interviewer said they couldn’t hire me, because I was a domestic civilian.

He said only an overseas seaman oversees overseas seamen semen overseas.

What's management's favorite keyboard shortcut?

Shift + Blame.

A lawyer dies, and somehow manages to go to heaven

When he gets there, he's greeted by St. Peter himself. The lawyer says, "What happened? I wasn't in an accident and I'm too young to die. I'm only 52!"

St. Peter says, "Nope, by our records, you are 84, and that's a pretty good life."

The lawyer yells, "84! How did you figure that?...

What do you call a reptilian deli manager?

A deli-gator

After years of hard work, a poor man and his wife manage to fulfill their dream of immigrating into the United States.

As they arrive, he sadly informs his wife he's heard that people in the U.S. actually eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well.

With a disgusted look on her face the wife sadly agrees, so they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'

The wif...

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

How many managers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They just wait for it to burn out and ask you why it’s down

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Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well

Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately. .

Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.

Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed m...

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Today at work they had an HR driven roundtable, where we were supposed to share our favorite charities and where we volunteer. I managed to piss everyone off.

I said "I do a lot of work with unwed mothers."

People asked what specifically I do with them.

I responded, "I just help them get their start"

Memo from Director General to Manager:

Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the car park. Staff should meet in the car park at ten to eleve...

Task manager!

Why did Karen press Ctrl+Shift+Delete? Because she wanted to see the task manager.

A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost.

He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"



The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."



"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
...

Extra seats

A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theater. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.

“Sir, you’re only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?”

The man groans, but remains seated. The usher becoming impatient with the man, ...

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off.

“Because,” he said “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

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A manager goes to pay for the stay of an employee at the hotel

A manager goes to pay for the stay of an employee at a hotel.

\- All right, it will be 70 euros for the stay, said the receptionist.

\- Very well, here is the money, answered the manager.

\- Uhm, actually your employee also used our mini bar which will be another 50 euros.
...

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A no arm no leg guy is tanning in the beach....

When three hot babes walk by. The bosomy blonde walks up to him and ask " You poor man, have you ever been hugged? "
" No I haven't" he replied.
The blonde proceeds to hug him pressing her soft large bosom again him. He uncontrollably sports an erection.

The smoking brunette noticin...

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A woman walks into a bank to deposit $100,000 in cash

The bank manager decides to handle this himself, as it’s such a large deposit. As he is processing her request, he asks, “Do you mind if I ask what it is you do for a living?”.

She says, “I make bets with people…For example, I bet you $50,000 that your testicles are cube shaped, like dice”....

An elementary teacher, middle manager, and lawyer die and go to heaven...

St. Peter meets them at the pearly gates and explains that to get in they each have to answer one question correctly.

The teacher goes first. St. Peter says "What was the name of the famous ship that sank after striking an iceberg in 1912?"

"The Titanic!"

"Right, off you go." T...

Last night the Grim Reaper came for me, but I managed to beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.

Talk about Dyson with Death.

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Three automobile managers at the urinal

The first goes to the sink and dries his hands with so many paper towels that not even the smallest droplet remains. "At Opel, we learn to be extremely thorough," he says.


The second uses only one towel for this and remarks: "At BMW, we also learn to be extremely efficient."


T...

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Finally managed to get my penis out of the exhaust pipe after half an hour.

I don't care what my girlfriend says, I'm never trying car sex ever again.

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She kept busy

A man arrived home early from work and caught his sexy young wife in bed with another man…
The dishonored husband challenged the other man to an old-fashioned duel using his pistols, announcing angrily, "Whoever manages to shoot first and kill the other, gets her…"
The other man agreed to th...

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Management Knows Best

A Japanese company and a Swedish company decided to have a row competition as a publicity stunt. Both teams trained long and hard. Competition came and the Japanese won by 1 kilometer. The Swedish company's leadership was shocked. But in this major crisis, the leadership showed its value: They wante...

When my dad died it was left to me to manage his affairs

How he kept all those women a secret from my mum I'll never know

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The five minute management course

THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Lesson #1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before ...

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A very old joke from a very old book (80's book) in Hebrew I remember to this day (Translated) - insane people in an airplane.

I rephrased it a bit so you could understand it better:
A commercial plane filled with insane people is flying from one place to another.


All of a sudden, the flying crew (Captain & Co-pilot) hears a really big noise from the cabin, and the plane feels like it's shaking.
<...

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They say you cannot hurt yourself whilst masterbating

But I managed to pull it off

As a hedge-fund manager gets out of his brand-new Audi, a truck goes racing by, taking off the door.

“My Audi! My beautiful silver Audi is ruined!” he screams.

A police officer on the scene shakes his head in disgust. “I can’t believe you,” he says. “You’re so focused on your possessions that you didn’t even realize your left arm was torn off when the truck hit you.”

The hedge fund ma...

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Putin is sitting in his office when his telephone rings

"Hallo, Mr. Putin!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ya!"


"Well, Paddy," Putin replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"


"Rig...

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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

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A man walked into a bank and walked up to the teller. He said,

I want to open a fucking bank account.
Astonished, the lady replied, "I'm sorry sir, but we don't tolerate that kind of language at this banking establishment." With that said she walked up to the bank manager and explained the situation. He agrees that the woman should not have to listen to that...

An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.

They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you finish?”

After a short pause, she replies, “No.”

Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, ...

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A manager dies

His wife asks the funeral director in a bitchy tone that her husband will be buried in a blue suit and not the grey one he is currently wearing.

At the day of the funeral her husband wears a blue suit so she thanks the funeral director who replies “oh it was easy. After you talked to me anot...

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, runni...

My favorite thing about Vladimir Putin...

... is that he has managed to take Russia's military from being the second most powerful in the world *allllllll* the way to being the second most powerful in Ukraine.

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a teenage boy keeps depositing one million dollar in his bank account every day

one day, Mrs. Mary the bank manager asks him to provide the source of all the money he's depositing

"I win it through gambling" he answers

"nobody can win that much money so consistently through gambling"

"wanna proof? how about we bet on 1000$ that...

What did the manager at the radio telescope facility tell the maintenance guy?

Don’t forget to do the dishes.

Every morning, the CEO of a major bank in Manhattan went to the corner where a shoeshine man was always there.

He used to sit on the chair, read the Wall Street Journal, and the shoeshine man gave his shoes a shiny, great look.

One morning, the shoeshine man asks the CEO:
"What do you think of the stock market situation?"

The CEO arrogantly asks him:
"Why are you so interested in this...

I finally managed to get some Cymbals for my one man band outfit

The only trouble is, now the trousers clash

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"
The clerk told her that $250.00 is the ...

John manages a band where his dog plays guitar and his cat sings

Everyone is amazed. No one understands how they're doing it and it becomes a huge hit. The band travels around the country and John makes a lot of money from the band's success.

Eventually, it catches wind in Italy and Berlusconi wants to hear the band live. He invites John to Rome and he com...

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A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer meet each week for a game of golf.

One day, they get stuck behind the slowest group of players they had ever seen. They were hitting the balls all over the place, getting stuck in just about every trap and patch of rough, and missing just about every putt.

Finally, the group gets frustrated and heads to the clubhouse to find ...

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A man walks into a bar...

He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"

The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his ...

Heaven’s lines

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said,

“I want the men to make two lines:

“ One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women.”

“I want all the women to repo...

My Doctor finally managed to cure me of my obsession with the Muppets



He gave me an enema

followed by a Doo Doo do do do

One day at the bar, the warden of a prison and the manager of a football club get into a argument about football.

The warden mocks the manager’s players. Saying they are pathetic, over-payed babies who collapse whenever there’s a slight breeze. He claims that his inmates, could beat them easily as they are made of sterner stuff.

The manager laughs. The inmates are all criminals, they would cheat or even ...

Breaking News: Brilliant scientists managed to find the last digit of pi.

They found it by writing the whole number on your mom's belly.

An Irishman was So drunk he couldn't stand up!

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands u...

A lady walks into a store and asks where the XL condoms are kept...

A lady walks into a store and asks where the XL condoms are kept.

The manager sends her off to the family planning section.

After ten minutes, the manager takes routine a walk around the store, to check on things. He finds the lady still in the family planning section, humming to herse...

I managed to secure tickets to the indoor arthritic athletics championships.

I’m expecting to see some stiff competition.

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

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Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope..

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court...

Why do white women like trading stories about asking for the manager?

Because Sharon is Karen.

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An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I h...

Two managers were complaining about how stupid their employees were.

Manager A: The other day, I told Joe, "Here's $100. Go buy a car for me." And he said ok and left. It's $100! Where are you going to find a car being sold for $100?

Manager B: That's nothing. The other day, I told Moe, "Hey, go to my house and check if I'm home." And he said ok and left. Ob...

There was this guy who found an ancient book.

There was this guy who found an ancient book. In that book he read that dolphins live forever if you feed them the meat of an eagle.


Some time later he came across a very sick eagle and thought: It's gonna die soon anyway, might as well take it to the dolphins at the local zoo to see i...

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The Kind Manager

A wealthy manager was driving in his car when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.


Disturbed by the sight, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?"


"We don't have any money for food," the poor man...

A Scientist and his Frog

In order to learn more about the jumping ability of frogs, a scientist trained his frog to jump on command.

On day 1, he told the frog, "Jump, frog. Jump!" And, the frog jumped. The scientist wrote in his journal: "Frog successfully taught to jump."

On day 2, the scientist amputated ...

Last night I managed to run 5 miles

I stopped when I saw she wasn't giving up and I just decided to let the old lady have her purse back

A horse in a barn was listening to some rock and roll on the radio...

And he was inspired. The guitarist was masterful, and the horse knew, then and there, that he needed to play guitar. More than anything he'd ever needed before.

So he calls up his buddy, who is a guitar teacher, and asks his buddy to help him learn guitar. The horse takes to it quickly and p...

Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 81, your two hour rental period is up, please return to the dock.

Boat rental intern to manager: uh, sir, we only have 60 boats.

Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 18, do you require assistance?

After 20 years, I finally managed to teach rodents how to dance.

When I asked my colleagues what they thought, all they had to say to me was, "Conga rats."

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I was drunk at a club last night

Saw this gorgeous girl dancing with her friends, and full of drink and bravado I managed to stumble up to her and said, “Duck my sick”

She laughed at me and said, “I think you mean ‘suck my dick’”

I then threw up all over her and said, “Nope”

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The day the penis asked for a raise.

The Day the Penis Asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the

following reasons: do physical labor. I work in great depths. I plunge head-first into everything I do. I do not get week ends or public holidays off. I work in a damp, dark environment, with ver...

At last.......I have managed to find my wife's 'G' spot....

....who would have thought her sister had it the whole time

A penguin in the desert

A penguin is driving through the desert when all of the sudden his car starts spewing smoke from under the hood and slows down. He manages to drive it to a small desert town and sees an auto mechanic’s shop and pulls in. The mechanic tells him he’s a little busy but can take a look at his car in a...

A general is inspecting the drydock where an advanced prototype is in the final stages of commissioning.

The project manager excitedly explains how the attack submarine will be much faster than an enemy due to an innovative design which drastically reduces drag forces. The general asks how progress is coming along.

The manager replies, “The propulsion system is complete, I think it's ready for ...

An Undertaker named Bob

Bob, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye. He wife asked him, "What happened to you?"

"I've had a terrible day!" says Bob. I had to go to a hotel, where a guest had died in his sleep! When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag, because he had a huge...

When I was a kid, I goofed around with my dad’s coffee maker before he got done cleaning it.

I managed to get myself grounded.

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A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams.

A Finnish and a Japanese company decided to organize an annual rowing competition with 8-man teams. Both teams trained long and hard. When race day came, both teams thought they were in top shape, but the Japanese won by far in the mile.

After the defeat, a defeatist mood prevailed among the ...

A French spy, a German spy and an Italian spy all get captured

All three spies are thrown into a cell. The captors later come into the cell, grab the French spy and drag him into another room. They tie his hands to a chair and torture him for two hours before he tells them everything they wanted to know

The captors throw the French spy back into his cel...

Hotel bill

Jack checks out of his hotel after 3 nights, but can't believe the size of the bill. "Why so much?"
Manager: "It's not just the luxury bedroom, we also provided you with a swimming pool, gym, games room..."
Jack: "But I didn't use any of those!"
Manager: "Maybe, but you could have!"
Ja...

Lawyer goes hunting

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I ...

All conspiracy theories were proved wrong. Trump will manage to stay in power by...

... dragging the vote count until 2024!

I once asked an affluent French baker how he'd managed to make so much money making bread. His answer:

Success baguettes success.

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A doctor requests a semen sample from an old patient.

He gives him a jar and a porno magazine but the patient is having trouble producing the sample. The doctor says he can go home with the jar and return it the next day filled with the sample.

The next day the old man returns and the jar is is empty

Doctor: "what happened? Still having...

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Playing Scrabble earlier I managed to put down "anal" on a triple word score ...

It's still not many points, but it's more about the satisfaction of having anal on the dining room table

My project manager posted in linkedin 'When I die,I want my developers to carry my coffin so that they can put me down one last time"

I commented on that post

"For the first time ,you have mentioned the requirements clearly".

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Frank.....

Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Then there was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned round to see a big black bear.

The black bear said "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have sex."

F...

How do people take an all-night flight and still manage to be productive the next day?

Red eye mind tricks.

The Christian horse.

A man was driving down the long highway in his car. All of a sudden his car broke down.

The man walked for a while and ended up at a farm. As he was trying to find the owner of the farm, he spotted one horse and wanted to see if he could borrow the horse. He met with the farmer and asked him...

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A man obsessed with trains gets a job driving one in a faraway country...

Some day, for absolutely no reason, he goes a little crazy and starts speeding up more than he should. In a winding curve, he loses control and the train goes off track killing hundreds of people. He goes to court and is sentenced to the capital punishment for the murder. On the death row, the execu...

The Captain's red shirt

Bored of living in poverty in the late 1700's, Finn decides he wants a slice of the pie in the high stakes world of pirates. He knows pirates dock down in the bay by his village, so once he spots them, he manages to sneak aboard one of the ships. He eventually gets discovered, and rather than throw ...

Two city kids take a road trip

Two city kids are taking a road trip deep into the countryside. After a long day of driving, they manage to find a diner, way out in the farmland, and decide to get dinner.

To their amazement, the restaurant is run entirely by cattle. The fry cook is a longhorn. A Holstein takes their order ...

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A guy goes to see a prostitute. (unpleasant joke ahead)

"Is it true what they say about you?"
"Yes honey, absolutely. I can suck you off, and sing the Star-Spangled Banner at the same time. Wanna give it a go?"
"That sounds amazing. I've got to experience it for myself."

They go up to her place. They move to the bedroom immediately and he p...

E-commerce company Alibaba Group announced that they are developing a password manager. Jack Ma has revealed that it will be open-source, a first for the company.

The product will tentatively be named OpenSesame.

A horse plays cricket

I heard this a while ago on BBC America, so it's paraphrased a bit:

----

A horse is in his field, watching a cricket match over the fence.

He calls out to the captain, and asks if he could play as well. The skipper says, "Why not? Might be fun," and gives the horse a bat as it w...

“Officer, how did the hackers manage to get away?”

“I have no idea. They just ransomware.”

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So a church needed a bell ringer…

The friar puts a sign outside that said ‘bell ringer wanted, tryouts Saturday morning’

Saturday morning rolls around, and there were three people lined up out front of the church waiting to try to ring the bell. A tall, muscular man, a skinnier, frail man, and an average sized man.

T...

I told the manager at the Chinese restaurant that my meat was rubbery.

He thanked me.

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A man walks into a bar

He orders a drink and the bartender serves him. The man said "hey, if I show you something really cool, can I have free drinks for the night?" The bartender says, "if you can impress me, then we have a deal".

The man pulls out a box and opens it. Inside was a dwarf who was a foot tall and a m...

Repair

When the office photo-copies began to look faint, the office manager called in a local repair service.

The friendly technician after inspecting the equipment, informed the manager that the machine was in need of a good cleaning.

The tech suggested that someone might try reading the...

A teenager has a crush on a girl, and decides to ask her to the prom.

The girls accepts, and the boy is over the moon. Because he wants this night to be perfect, he decides he needs to dress his best, so, a couple of weeks before the prom he looks to rent a tuxedo.

When he gets to the store there are already people waiting in line, but he waits anyway, and get...

How did he guess?

A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, Cartier sunglasses and a tightly knotted power tie, poked his head out the window and asked t...

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you got...

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An old man was dying, and asked his wife for a favor...

He said, “I will be dying soon, so I’d like you to put all my prized possessions in the attic, so that when I die, my spirt can grab the items as I ascend to heaven.”

The wife obliged, and when her husband passed a few days later, she ran up to the attic to see if he managed to take his belon...

Some person starts working at a bakery.

(not my joke)

His first day is Monday. Upon entering, he hears that today is doughnut day. He dances with joy, and starts baking doughnuts like a madman. The manager tastes the doughnuts, and they are the best of the best doughnuts you would have ever tasted. His enthusiasm lasts for the enti...

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The Tale of Three Heavens

Once upon a time, long long ago, in village far far away, there lived a fairly affluent merchant who lived a nice luxurious life in his spacious mansion. The merchant befriended a homeless man who lived in front of the gates of his mansion and often gave him food.

One day, the merchant n...

A young couple were on their honeymoon.

The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub, saying to himself, "How can I tell my wife that I have got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink?

I have managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she is bound to find out sooner or later that my ...

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Salesman

A kid from Louisiana moves to California and is looking for a job.

The manager asks, “Do you have any sales experience?”

The kid says, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Louisiana."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.

“You start tomorrow. After we close we'...

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A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account." [NSFW]

A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account."

The teller, upset, says "We don't tolerate language like that here."

The man asks "What's the fucking problem? It's not like anyone really gives a shit!"

The teller then leaves with...

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Give an example of a business failure due to careless management

A prostitute getting pregnant

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As a man in his 70s I still manage to have sex with my wife almost every day...

Almost Monday, almost Tuesday.....

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Four Gentlemen Are out Golfing ,,,

Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children’s professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, knocks the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word…
The s...

Ride

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she...

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Jack was from a poor family with many siblings [OC]

As the eldest child, he took up the responsibility of helping his parents financially by doing odd jobs, be it collecting recyclable scraps, cleaning, babysitting, dog walking or simple repair work. He had no choice but to drop out of high school at the age of 14 to work full time in order for his o...

True story.

Two of my colleagues and I went to lunch with our manager and his manager who was visiting our office from out of town. We each ordered a beer with our meal and the manager's manager, who was a teetotaler unbeknownst to us, turned to our manager and asked if he knew we drank. Our Manager replied "...

A guy rushes into a bar out of breath and manages to excitedly utter to the bartender "Gimme 6 shots of whiskey quick"!

The bartender says "What's the hurry?" as he lays out the six shots. The guy starts downing the shots as fast as the bartender is filling them. As he is gulping down the last shot, he utters "Well you would drink fast too if you had what I have". The bartender says "well geez mister what do you have...

Enlightened Management

Q:Why did company management illuminate the toilet bowls in the employee bathroom?

A: It was the cheapest way to lighten their load.

God and the devil chat about music

The god and the devil were chating, as they usually do when the concept of music came up.
With a bit of intrigue God asked the devil how he'd managed to get into every genre of music, from rock & rap to hip hop & metal ect .
The devil chuckled no no no , music is too special, too human...

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With great enthusiasm and singing a song

Reagan visits the USSR and is amazed by the capital construction he has seen.

Reagan: "How do you manage to build structures like this? Your logistics is shit, you have no technology and people are apathetic."

Gorbachev: "Soviet people built it all with great enthusiasm and while singi...

Patty and Mick are working on a construction site

Patty says to Mick. “I want the day off, so I’m going to act like a mad person and hope the manager lets me off”

Patty then proceeds to jump up onto the scaffolding and shouts over and over. “I’m a lightbulb! I’m a lightbulb! I’m a lightbulb” He’s swinging around like a monkey on a tree and c...

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A man has an interview for a Sales Manager position at a company.

During the interview, the Hiring Manager pulls out a brand new laptop and sets it on the desk in front of him.

“If you’re as good as you say you are – sell me this laptop.”

The man picks the device up, studied it for a few seconds, then puts it under his arm and walks out the door.
...

Went for a Chinese meal last night.

Great ambiance, but the lights were too bright in the restaurant.
So, the manager decided to dim sum.

When I was a teenager…

…I worked as a bag boy in a southern supermarket (Publix). As one of the busiest stores, we were chosen to test making fresh squeezed juice in the store at customers’ request. As a social person, this sounded like a pretty cool job so I asked my manager if I could get some shifts on the juice machin...

Lost my job as a hedge fund manager today, not sure if due to dress code or work performance!

All the boss would tell me is something about my shorts and that that they didn't cover.

Science whiz

So Bobby had a science project where he had to come up with an experiment and observation. After much thought, he decided to use his pet spider.

With his notebook to collect data, he brought his spider and let it out on the table. Bobby then said to the spider, “Walk”.
The spider started ...

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