I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl

And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them up sinc...

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

Because when she gets to 69 there's a frog in her throat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. ...

I’ve lost count of the number of times my secretary has been late, so I’m finally doing something about it.

From now on I’m using condoms.

Make little things count they say.

Henceforth I will be teaching midgets some math.

I have a hen that can count her own eggs.

She's a mathemachicken.

A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3. He says "uno, dos..." poof.

He disappeared without a tres

After watching the first episodes of HBO's Chernobyl, as a resident of Pripyat, I can count on one hand all of the inconsistencies I have noticed.

So far, there are 27.

My dad told me to make little things count

That's why I'm teaching maths to dwarfs

I heard it's forbidden to count in Afghanistan...

because of the tally ban.

As teacher, I think its important to make the little things count...

so i excusivly teach maths to midgets

I finished with my ex girlfriend due to her obsession with counting.

I wonder what she's up to now.

A magician performing in Mexico told his audience he could vanish before they could count to three . . .

In unison, they chant “Uno! Dos! ...”
Poof!
He disappeared without a tres.

What Disney character can count the highest?

Buzz Lightyear, to infinity and beyond.

"I like to count girls I slept with to quicker fall asleep"

-Girls? Why wouldn't you be counting sheep instead?

-Oh shut it, it was just one time.

My daughter learned to count!

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night. My wife and I had picked her up from her friend Sally's birthday party, brought her home, and put her to bed. My wife went into the bedroom to read while I fell asleep watching the Braves game.

"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve. "Gues...

A guy, today, told me to count my blessings,

But I didn’t have to sneeze.

A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three. He says “uno, dos...”

But before he can finish his sentence, a gunshot rings through the air and he falls to the floor, blood oozing out of his head. Screams are everywhere as the audience seeks cover.

His best friend Nathaniel is in the audience, but all he can do is sit there in shock and stare at the corpse of ...

It doesn't matter if you're black, white, old, young, tall, short or even if you're from another country. It's what's INSIDE that counts!

I love you refrigerator!

Why Was the Blond Mathematician's Fly Open?

Just in case he needed to count to 11.



A very old joke, but sharing on the chance there's anyone who hasn't heard it before.

What do you call a girl who likes to count the number of guys she’s slept with?

Tally ho!

How easy is it to count in binary?

It’s as easy as 01 10 11.

How do you know if a guy has a high sperm count?

You have to chew before you swallow.

It’s weird that we count votes based on body parts...

Let me see all the eyes... now the nose...

How do you count cows?

With a COW CULATOR

Sorry, I’ll shut up now.

One day , the scientists decided to play hide and seek. When the seeker started to count , everybody but Newton went hiding. Newton drew a square 1m each side right behind the seeker and stepped into it. The seeker found him immediately and declared "Newton, Newton". But Newton refused to lose.

He said: This square covered an area of 1m2. I'm a Newton on 1m2. So I'm Pascal.

We used to have empires run by emperors, then we had kingdoms run by kings..

Now we have countries..

Wife told me she has an excellent platelet count

'coagulations'

Pimps don't count their own money. They have their hoes do it for them.

It's the thot that counts.

Does your mom count?

Interviewee: Do you have any experience with heavy machinery?
Me: Does your mom count?

Why are snakes so bad at playing hide-and-seek?

Because of their inability to count.

A shepherd tells his dog to go count the sheep...

So the dog goes out, comes back a little later. Shepherd says: “How many sheep you count out there?”
Dog says: “40”.
Shepherd says: “That’s not possible, I only had 38 to begin with!”.
And the dog goes: “Yeah but I rounded them up”.

Contributions count!

One day a NYC cabbie and a pastor reach the pearly gates at the same time. St. Peter welcomes them, informs them about heaven and tells them he will escort them to their accommodations.


They walk to the cabbies place first and it's a palace, massive, with turrents and towers and 100 help...

Do you think Germans can count past eight?

Nein

People aren't using their fingers to count, they're using their minds...

Because it's the thought that counts.

Redneck vasectomy

After the birth of their 9th child, a redneck couple decided they'd had enough because they couldn’t afford a larger bed. The husband went to the veterinarian and asked to be snipped. "Me'n my cousin don't want no more kids"

The vet told him he could get a vasectomy, but it was expensive. "Th...

A man runs out of money in a foreign Asian country

A man runs out of money while traveling a foreign country in Asia. Desperate for food he hears the locals discussing the Monks and their great kindness. Hearing this, the man decides to seek out the temple and beg the monks for food.

After finding the temple, the man is taken in and well fed....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the new device that counts how many calories you burn during sex?

It's called the ClitBit.

There are 10 kinds of people in the world - those who can count in binary,

ternary, quaternary, quinary, senary, septenary, octal, nonary, decimal and hexadecimal, and those who weren't expecting a double-subverted binary joke.

My (blonde) sister hates blonde jokes. I (redhead) told her I have a redhead joke for her. She was eager to hear it!

A redhead goes for a drive through the country, just enjoying the peaceful ride with her windows open. She has to stop as a shepherd is moving his flock across the road. The redhead gets out of her car to stretch and has an idea.

"Hey Mister! If I can guess how many sheep you have, may I keep...

Scientists removed the right half of a man's brain...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists then removed both halves of...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yo mama so ugly...

Her blowjob counts as anal.

If you want to go to heaven, make sure your sin count is divisible by 360.

Because sin(360)=sin(0).

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At the age of 4, I remember thinking: "I can count to 10, so cool!" At the age of 5, I remember thinking: "Wow, I can count to 100 now, so cool!"

And at the age of 6: "When does this thing even fucking end?!"

How do you count cows?

With a cowculator.

A farmer sends his dog out to count his sheep.

When the dog returns, it says, "Woof! You've got fifty sheep out there!"

"Fifty?" said the farmer. "I thought there were only forty-eight."

"Yes, that's right," said the dog. "First I counted them, and then I rounded them up!"

Say what you want about Putin but he's the world hardest working president,

He has to run two countries instead of one.

Roy Moore refuses to concede the Alabama Senate race.

He keeps insisting that the black votes should only count for 3/5ths.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To the people who said I can't count, I have one word for you:

Piss off.

Count Dracula returned a mirror to my shop yesterday

He said it wasn't faulty, he just couldn't see himself using it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I thought that people asking me what my body count is were asking how many people I've killed, not how many people I've had sex with;

Now everyone thinks I'm some sort of nymphomaniac

Hi. My name is Bill Gates and today, I will be teaching you how to count to ten:

1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10

A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin...

I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them

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