I went to a beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13.

“Sir, you gave me an extra.” That’s a freebie.

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An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man expla...

There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers.

One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him an addition question. So the uncle asked, "What is three plus four?" The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said, "Seven." The uncle said, "Listen kid, you can't count ...

Cemetery count

How many dead people are in a cemetery?

All of them

Chuck Norris counted to infinity.

Twice.

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Does sex count?

Doctor: “Do you do sports?”
Patient: “Does sex count?”
Doctor: “Yes.”
Patient: “Then no.”

Today I was counting potatoes

I was being quantipotative.

A Cognitive psychologist asks a concussed man to count from one to ten.

The man does as he is told and counts : " 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 "


"Alright then, everything seems normal. Now could you count all the even numbers from one to ten please"


The man counts: "1, 3, 5, 7, 9"


"That's odd"

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Me: So what’s your body count?

Him: what!!
Me: how many people you have slept with?
Him: oh! For moment I thought you saw my basement....

Why can Miss Piggy only count to 68?

Because when she gets to 69 she has a frog in her throat!

I just got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas

There are only two of us on the production line, so I have to make every second count

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I encountered a milf at a bar last night

although she is 57 years old, she is still very charming and sexy

we were drinking, chatting, laughing, and having a good time

then, she asked me flirtatiously

"have you ever tried a mother-daughter threesome before?"

I said, "Nope, not yet".

She drank a little ...

I left my girlfriend because she wouldn't stop counting

I wonder what she's up to, now...

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With the arrest for child pornography yesterday, at least Josh Duggar will be remembered for 19 kids and counting...

For the tv show he made in the past, and coincidentally the number of videos found so far on his hard drive.

As a Nevadan, I'm tired of people insinuating that we can't count. We are a great state filled with intelligent people. In fact, I can list off 20 ways we are better than our neighboring states.

Just let me take my shoes and socks off first.

A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’
After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’
‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s ...

I had a hen who could count her own eggs.

She was a mathemachicken.

I count women who I slept with when I try to sleep.

\- Why not sheep?

\- I only had one sheep.

NSFW How do you know when you have a high sperm count?

The girl has to chew.

I counted 1500 lockdown protesters in our city.

Hold on, it's 900.

Edit: No, wait, it's 500.

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Keeping Count

One night, a man, his wife and a friend decided to have dinner together. After eating they opened a couple of bottles of wine. Upon finishing the wine the friend realized it was late and he should go home, but the man insisted he stay the night because he was drunk and in no condition to drive. The ...

For her birthday I bought my wife new beads for her abacus.

It's the little things that count.

STOP THE COUNT!!!

* sorry, typo

Does this qualify for NSFW?

This old lady came to the bank i work at to withdraw $10. i told her that for withdraws less than $100 she has to use the atm. so she asked to withdraw $1000 in $10 bills. it sucked but i counted it out and handed her the money. she took $10, gave me $990 and said “deposit this”

A skydiving instructor tells his student, "After jumping off the plane, count to ten and pull your parachute."

"W-w-what w-w-was th-th-that n-n-numb-b-ber ag-g-gain?"

"Two."

A magician said that he could disappear on the count of three.

“Uno. Dos.” *poof*
He disappeared without a tres

Jesus enters the restaurant where the last supper is going to take place. Jesus: “table for 26, please” Waiter: “I count only 13 people”

Jesus: “Yeah, but we are all going to sit on the same side”

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

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"So, Doctor van Helsing, we meet at last," said the Count.

van Helsing turned slowly. The castle library was lit in patches by the bright moonlight spilling through the windows, and otherwise only in a circle of yellow gold by the Dutchman's candle. He had never even heard the door open or a hint of a footfall; and yet there Count Dracula was, less than twe...

I can count on one hand the number of times I've been to Chernobyl.

It's twelve.

I want my 11780 dollars.

Dear Bank of America, I just want to find 11780 more dollars in my savings account.Everyone at your bank counted wrong.

In democracy your vote counts.

But in feudalism, your Count votes.

My friend came by today, he looked visibly upset. He said he just slept with his third cousin.

I told him if it upsets you so much, quit counting them.

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I had twelve bottles of whisky...

...and my wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else!
So, I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.



I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass... which I ...

With great flourish, the Mexican magician exclaimed, "On the count of three, I shall make myself disappear!"

"Uno!!!"



"Dos!!!"



...and then he vanished, without a tres.

Just as the Count was about to pounce on van Helsing, the door to the library was flung open.

Incontinently, a host of furious villagers stormed into the library, waving blazing torches and voicing dire threats. The Count turned to leap on them, then reeled back, repelled at the reek of garlic that wafted from them like a solid thing.

"Count Dracula!" cried the burgomaster, a solid ci...

THE COUNT CONTINUES

They found over 20,000 votes behind a radiator in Florida.
Al Gore declared President

Why is Trump so keen to stop counting votes?

His advisers are rushin...

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Dave decides he's had it with society, and buys some land in the middle of nowhere in Canada......

.... he builds himself an awesome log house, gets a great garden going, and is basically self-sustaining.
After several years, he hears a knock on his door.
With hesitation, he opens the door to find a big ol' Grizzly Adams-looking dude standing there.
"Howdy neighbor!" he says. "...

If there is Three types of people who I hate...

It's people who can't count

and hypocrites

Are monsters good at math?

Not unless you Count Dracula

I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.

“You’ve given me one too many.”

“That one is a freebie.

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the stor...

Did you hear about the French man who could only count to seven?

He had a Huit allergy.

If you're wondering why its taking so long to count votes in Nevada

They hired pole workers instead of poll workers

I agree with DJT, we must stop the count!!

Vampires can be very dangerous, after all.

Just been speaking to a mate of mine, he's just seen the Chernobyl documentary.

He actually grew up in Ukraine in the 1980's and was able to count at least 11 historical inaccuracies on one hand.

Doctors say Rudy Giuliani's white blood cells count was low

but he’s demanding a recount.

My brother counted how much gum he had

He said he had 47 instead of 46.
I said it’s called Extra gum for a reason

I just counted all the Trump jokes here again

It's still not enough

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My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


 

 

 


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

There was a very wealthy Count named Carl.

He always threw extravagant parties and almost everyone loved him, but almost no one knew where he got his massive wealth from.

One day, some law enforcement got suspicious of Count Carl’s wealth and went to him demanded to know where it was coming from. Count Carl refused to tell them, howe...

Everywhere I go I keep hearing about all of this “stop the count!” Stuff...

What has Dracula done now?

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I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he had

He started to count but he fell asleep.

I can count on my fingers how many times I went to Chernobyl.

It was 14.

No one believes seniors . . . Everyone thinks they are senile

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared...

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them.

Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side.

Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!"

Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per...

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I participated in a joke writing competition on this sub three years ago.

The mods laid out 4 simple rules quite clearly:

1. For the following two days, all posts on this sub would be considered as entries for the competition.

2. The post with the most upvotes would be declared as the winner, i.e., the best joke. The number of upvotes until the end o...

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Why is Nevada taking so long to count the votes?

When Vegas found out someone was counting they beat the shit out of them and kicked them out.

Three days and counting and still we don't know who will be the president

These are unpresidented times

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My two favorite things are fucking my step sister and not using commas.

I also can't count.

Just before a redneck had his first parachute jump, his sergeant reminded him,

"Count to ten, and then pull the first rip cord. If it snarls, pull the second rip cord for your auxiliary chute. After you land, our truck will pick you up."

The paratrooper took a deep breath and jumped. He counted to ten and pulled the first cord. Nothing happened.

He pulled the sec...

Why was Count Dracula not invited to the Halloween party?

Because everyone thought he sucked

A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping. “Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks.

“I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”

Agency: "Sir, we found 3 candidates as per your requirements.

How do you want their placements, sir?"

MD: "Put about 100 bricks in a closed room. Then send the candidates into the room and close the door, leave them alone and come back after a few hours and analyse the situation:

1. If they are counting the bricks, put them in Accounts departmen...

How does a drummer count his kids

Anna 1

Anna 2

Anna 3

Anna 4

It's no surprise Nevada is taking so long to count their ballots

Anyone smart enough to count in Vegas gets kicked out and banned for life

The Ancient Romans were debating how to count things

Their city state was already hundreds of years old, and their Republic was barrelling down the pathway to Empire: but they still hadn't decided fully how to count things.

The Senate was a blaze of fury as populares and optimates rowed over the proper way to measure and record all things numer...

Counting Numbers at School

Teacher: Billy said our last number was 69, Sally what comes after 69.........
Sally: Mouthwash

A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments at the coffee shop...

"My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one. "Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time because my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What?...

Isaac Newton, Albert Einstein, and Blaise Pascal are playing hide and seek

Einstein is it, and he covers his eyes and begins to count. Pascal runs off to hide, but Newton doesn't move. He leans down, scratches out a square one meter on a side, and just stands there, right in front of Einstein.

Einstein finishes counting, uncovers his eyes, and exclaims "Newton! I fo...

Why are French sailors afraid to count?

The last one to do it got safely to four but then he cinq.

My daughter learned to count!

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night. My wife and I had picked her up from her friend Sally's birthday party, brought her home, and put her to bed. My wife went into the bedroom to read while I fell asleep watching the Braves game.

"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve. "Gues...

Hiring out of work Blackjack dealers to count ballots in Nevada was not a good idea.

They count up to 22, reshuffle the stack, and start over.

There are 5 types of people in this word

Those who can spell, those who can count, and those who use reddit

The most reliable part of your body are the fingers.

You can always count on them.

Spelling counts

Waiting on a Zoom call to start, but were having technical issues. Client texted and said, "please bare with me." Thought it was an odd request, but she's the client. Eventually we got the video to work, but now I'm fired.

A meathead is counting loudly in the gym as he does bench press...

“1! 3! 5! 7! 9!”

Another meathead:
“Do you even lift bro”

Meathead: “Nah I only odd lift bro”

I asked my son when the ballots will be finally counted. His answer?

Neva, da.

A young man has just been married....

A young couple was just married and during the reception, the groom’s grandfather pulls him aside…

“Are you ready for tonight?” he asks.

“Well, I’m a little nervous…. It’s my first time…”

“Oh! No worries! You are a Johnson! You will be great!”

The next morning, the young ...

A few years ago, I saw a Hispanic magician

My favorite trick was at end, when he said he would dissappear at the count of three.

And he started counting "Uno...."

"Dos.... "

And poof, he was gone. Without a Tres.

A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97

So he rounded them up.

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Magic

After a long show, Marvelous Mike, an old magician enters a McDonald's. Not without Schadenfreude, he realizes that the cashier is his old competitor Harry Houdini.

Feigning empathy, he asks "Oh Harry. I cannot believe that such a gifted artist would end up like this. Anyway, may I have BigM...

My 4 year old nephew desided to count, how many different jokes you can find on r/Jokes

- But Johnny, - I said, - you only can count to 20!

- I don't think it's a problem, - he replied.

It's 1961 and Chuck knocks on his prom date's door.

Her dad opens it and invites him in.

"So, you're taking our Betty to her first prom?" he asks, sternly.

Chuck nervously stutters "y-yes sir."

"She'll be down in a sec. But let's have a chat while we wait."

Chuck slumps in the nearest chair, waiting for the inevitable tal...

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A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his community.

All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" (Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I ...

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I went to a therapist today for my increasing urge to kill animals

She said killing them in Minecraft doesn’t count

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three.

>!Uno, dos... poof. He disappeared without a tres.!<

"We're used to sharing everything"

An elderly man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries, and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing the other half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles, and neatly placed one pile in ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church. One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him.

Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings. The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings. So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did.

The priest then asked him again, "Charlie, did y...

My friend asked me to assist him with his math homework.

I should probably help him before he stops *counting* on me.

There was this guy working at McDonald’s.

and it was his turn to cook the French fries. So he put the frozen fries in the metal basket and dipped it in the oil. You see this guy was a veteran chef and used to be able to sense when food was cooked by looking at it's color or by smelling it, he never needed a timer or a meat thermometer or an...

For his birthday, I got my friend a telepathic abacus.

It's the thought that counts.

The jailer started counting the number of inmates one morning

because he wanted a con-census.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New Anal Covid Test;

Put one finger in your mouth,
The other in your ass,
Count to 10,
Swap fingers, and if you can't smell or taste the difference,
Isolate.

It's the little things that count

It's true, I have a friend who is 3 feet tall and he's a really good mathemetician.

How does a farmer count his cows?

With a Cowculator.

George and Jeff watches TV

George: "Oh no, that's terrible!"

Jeff: "What happened?"

George: "An earthquake! They found 13 dead, and counting!"

Jeff: "That *is* terrible."

Jeff: "I hate counting too."

Mama always said “Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.”

Well I did it! Bank balance: 9.11!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My penis is the same as coronavirus death count

'Cause whenever I see u, it keeps rising.

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Caesar and Brutus are on sesame street

Count von Count asks Caesar, "Do you know how to count to one hundred?"

Caesar says "Yes, I will show you how!"

So Caesar starts counting "One, two, three..."

As the numbers get higher more and more characters are appearing around Caesar.

"Sixty- seven, sixty-eight, six...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was arrested for having sex with my girlfriend at Olive Garden.

When I was read my charges the officer said I had one count of indecent exposure and one count of incest.

Confused I asked the cop "why the charge for incest?"

The officer replied "Because when you're here, you're family."

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