I can count on one hand the number of times I've been to Chernobyl.

It's twelve.

I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.

“You’ve given me one too many.”

“That one is a freebie.

I counted 1500 lockdown protesters in our city.

Hold on, it's 900.

Edit: No, wait, it's 500.

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

Because every time she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat.

A Mexican magician tells the crowd he will disappear at the count of 3

A Mexican magician tells the crowd he will disappear at the count of 3.

He goes,"Uno, Dos...." and POOF!

He disappears without a Tres.

North Korea Covid Count

9:00am : 1

9:10am : 0

9:20am : 1

9:30am :0

An 85-year-old man was told by the Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a sperm sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man ...

My 4 year old nephew desided to count, how many different jokes you can find on r/Jokes

- But Johnny, - I said, - you only can count to 20!

- I don't think it's a problem, - he replied.

Spelling counts

Waiting on a Zoom call to start, but were having technical issues. Client texted and said, "please bare with me." Thought it was an odd request, but she's the client. Eventually we got the video to work, but now I'm fired.

A meathead is counting loudly in the gym as he does bench press...

“1! 3! 5! 7! 9!”

Another meathead:
“Do you even lift bro”

Meathead: “Nah I only odd lift bro”

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Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church. One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him.

Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings. The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings. So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did.

The priest then asked him again, "Charlie, did y...

How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?

When your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.

It's the little things that count

It's true, I have a friend who is 3 feet tall and he's a really good mathemetician.

The jailer started counting the number of inmates one morning

because he wanted a con-census.

How does Bill Gates count to ten?

1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, ME, XP, Vista, 7, 8,10.

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them.

Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side.

Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!"

Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per...

I had a hen that could count her own eggs.

She was a Mathmachicken.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes for a prostate exam.

The doctor is checking him out when he finds a roll of $100 bills stuffed up his ass. He pulls out the money and counts it.

“You’re not gonna believe this, but I just found $1900 shoved up your ass!”

The man says, “Well that makes sense. That’s why I haven’t been feeling too grand.”

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If the head and a penis counts as a limb

A man has 6 limbs but a woman has 5

After a tinder date a woman only has 4 and a man has 7

A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping. “Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks.

“I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”

I asked a friend if he wanted to go with me to count 18 wheelers on the interstate,

He seemed semi-interested.

I was counting the money in my wallet and I remembered my microbiologist friend saying that money is the dirtiest thing you can touch all day. Turns out I have $144 in cash,

But I guess that’s just gross....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My penis is the same as coronavirus death count

'Cause whenever I see u, it keeps rising.

How does a farmer count his cows?

With a Cowculator.

I once had a hen that could count her own eggs... (BPI)

She was a **mathema-chicken.**



\- Brought to you by the Bad Puns Initiative (BPI)

Guy #1 I've never been good at counting cows.

Guy #2: Let me count .... hmmm .... 1341.

Guy #1: Wow! That is impressive. How did you do that?

Guy #2: Easy. I just count the legs and divide by 4.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough,...

...as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly al...

Why can't blondes count to seventy?

Because 69's a mouthful.

A teacher asks her student what's 2+2

He counts with his fingers and says "4"

The teacher asks the boy not to count with his fingers and do the mathematics in his head

She again asks the boy "what's 3+3?"

The boy again counts with his fingers and says "6"

The teacher angrily scolds the boy and tells him that ...

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Three men are standing outside a jewellery shop looking at an expensive ring in the display window

The first man says, "That ring is perfect for Karen. I just wish I could afford it."

The second man says, "I was planning on proposing to Julie soon. She'd love that ring."

The third man says, "Okay, I'll make you both a deal. Whichever one of you gets to the bottom of the street first...

I was lying in bed last night, counting sheep, when I thought to myself:

'I could have sworn I shut the barn door...'

This Goat walks into a post office

And says to the Postmaster "I need to send a telegram."
The Postmaster says "OK, what is it?"
The Goat says "I need it to say, maa maa maa maa maa maa maa." The Postmaster counts the words and says "Well, for the same price, I can put 4 more "MAAs" in for you."
The Goat looks at him and say...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are arrested and sentenced to death by firing squad, one by one.

While they wait to be executed they come up with a plan. Right before they are to be shot, each one will yell that some natural disaster or emergency is happening to distract the soldiers and they would be able to escape.

The brunette is first. As she hears the captain counting down to 0 she...

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What do you call a girl who counts all her casual sex partners?

Tally Ho!

I asked my welsh friend his body count

He started counting but fell asleep.

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the...

A guy gets pulled over by police, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.”

“I can’t”, the guy says “I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.”

“Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.”

“Can’t do that either,” Jim replies, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.”...

MEN - if you are having trouble getting someone pregnant, getting your sperm count tested is quick and easy.

But it’ll cost a load.

A pirate goes to the doctor and say, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh."

The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign."

Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"

Official Coronavirus Count over time in North Korea

12.01: 1


12.02: 0


13.16: 1


13.17: 0


16.24: 1


16.25: 0


...


...


...

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three.

>!Uno, dos... poof. He disappeared without a tres.!<

A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97

So he rounded them up.

I am 25 years and counting sober from using heroine!

I am 25

Captain Crunch, Frankenberry, Count Chocula, and the Lucky Charms Elf were all murdered last night...

It seems it might have been a cerial killer

My friends mom counted over two in Spanish and died.

You could say it was an Overdos.

What are 10 things you can always count on?

Your fingers! Bu dum tssss

we used to have empires run by emperor's, and kingdoms run by kings,

now we have countries...

I failed math at school so many times.

I can’t even count.

My duaghter made up a joke when she was 5. How do you count to tree?

Bush, Shrub, Tree!

A cowherd counted 48 cows on his property in the morning.

When he rounded them up, he had 50.

God and Satan arranged a basketball game between Heaven and Hell.

"I know for a fact we are gonna win," said God. "We have all the best players up here...Wilt Chamberlain, Moses Malone, Kobe Bryant, and so on."

"I wouldn't count on that, God," said Satan. "You see, down here, *we* have all the referees."

During boot camp training, a young mathematician is instructed to pull the pin of a grenade, count down from three and then throw.

He died by -6.

My daughter learned to count!

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night. My wife and I had picked her up from her friend Sally's birthday party, brought her home, and put her to bed. My wife went into the bedroom to read while I fell asleep watching the Braves game.

"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve. "Gues...

In democracy your vote counts.

But in feudalism, your Count votes.

A shepherd owned a remarkable dog, deft at sheep herding and able to speak.

At the end of the day, after his dog had herded the flock into the pen, the shepherd asked his canine friend to confirm how many sheep were in.

"40," the dog barked.

"40? I counted 37."

"Yes," replied the dog, "I rounded them up."

While watching Dracula, I was surprised by how good he was at playing the church organ. But then, you know what they say about Count Dracula.

His bite is worse than his Bach.

A magical spanish thief was caught trying to steal an early work of a famous artist

In his defeat, he declared they could keep the work, but he would set himself free on the count of three. He said "Uno...Dos...." and then poof, he vanished without a trace.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Count your days of blessing!

The monkey wife is tired of her husband's aggressive sex drive and so she prays to God for help. God appears and asks what can He do for her.
"Well, take his penis away for a month!", she goes. God tells her that that won't be fair to the monkey alone. "So take the dicks of all the animals for a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 Assassins Are Talking To Each Other

One of them asks "Whats your body count?"

The second Assassin says, "10,000".

The first Assassin spits out his drink and says, "Are you serious? Is that for murder or sex?"

The second Assassin says, "Yes."

Kindergarten Blonde

A blond girl comes home from her first day of kindergarten and says "most of the kids can count to 10, but I can count to 20. Is that because I'm a blond?"

Her mom says"yes dear, it's because you're a blond."

The next day the girl comes home and says "today we had to do our ABC's." Mos...

Why can’t you count on the horse senators support?

He always votes neigh

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. ...

Why is the calculator a man's best friend?

Because you can always count on it.

So i banged my 3rd cousin yesterday...

My buddy told me to stop counting them

How does Santa count his girls

Ho ho ho

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man finds an old dusty beer bottle, it feels like there's something inside so he rubs the dirt off to check and out pops a genie!

Smoke lifts from the stem of the bottle as a man appears floating in mid air wearing cargo shorts and a snapback.

Genie: "alright sport you get one wish make it count"

Man: "but I thought I got 3 wishes?"

Genie: "oh so one wish isn't good enough for you huh? You know when I was ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To get my girlfriend in the mood, I start counting in a really sexy and seductive voice

I call it four play

A kid goes off to the army and comes back home after basic training.

He's having a chat with his dad about his experience, telling him how it went.

"So the first thing they do was have me run 15 miles. It was brutal. I had to have my fatigues on and carry my provisions. The drill sergeant said if we didn't do that we had to run 30 Miles the next day."

"...

Can we get everyone to agree on how to count the prisoners?

We need a con-census.

I can only count up to seven in French

I have a huit allergy

Three dinosaurs stumble upon a lamp in the desert.

One of them rubs the lamp and out pops a genie. "In exchange for freeing me, I shall grant each of you one wish," said the genie.

Excited and clamoring amongst each other, the dinosaurs began to dream of meat.

The first one piped up, "I wish it would rain pepperoni and drumsticks!" The...

A blond sits for a medical school entrance exam.

Needless to say, he failed.

These are his answers:

Antibody - against everyone

Artery - the study of painting

Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria

Caesarean section - a district in Rome

Cat scan - searching for a lost kitty

Chronic - neck of a crow
...

Once a certain donkey driver turned to Khoja Nasreddin: “Oh, wise one, explain one thing to me, otherwise I will lose my mind.”

\- I was given ten donkeys to drive to another city, and I hit the road. Before the road, I counted them, there were 10. I sat on a donkey and we drove off. On the way, I decided to count the donkeys again, and, to my horror, there were nine of them. Then I decided to make a halt, dismounted, and ag...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor enquired if I was getting enough exercise. "Does sex count as exercise?" I asked. "Yes, it's a very good form of exercise" he replied.

"No then" I said

A man and a woman are just a few days from getting married.

Naturally, the man’s a bit frisky, but the woman wants to wait until their wedding night.

“Come on!” Says the man over and over, but the woman refuses.

So two nights before the wedding, the man says, “Alright, how about I just stick the tip in? It doesn’t really count. Plus you get an ...

There are three types of people in the world.

Those who can count and those who can't.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a man from Kent

whose dick was so long that it bent.

So to save him some trouble,

he tucked it in double,

and so instead of coming, he went.



Do limericks count as jokes?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man, an ostrich and a cat walk into a bar

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat, the man says to the bartender "I'll have a pint of lager please"

The ostrich says "and I'll have the same"

The cat then says "Gin & tonic for me, but I'm not paying!"

The bartender looks a bit perplexed but announces ...

This is a joke from a dream last night, apperantly my brain conjured it up on the spot... let's see how well it works

John, a young farmer, was engaged and would soon be wed to a young woman from a nearby town. One day, his soon-to-be father-in-law stopped by for a chat.

“John,” he said, “I have a secret. I am actually a powerful genie! And since you seem like a nice young man, I will grant you three wishes ...

I fed thousands of /r/jokes to the new OpenAI artificial intelligence (GPT-3), here's what it came up with.

Q: How do astronauts shower?
A: They take a spaceship!

Q: Where do birds go when they want to talk to each other?
A: Tweet-el

Q: What did the pepper do when he got excited?
A: He pepped up!

Q: What do you call a man who is trapped in a bush with a lion, tiger and bear?<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tom was asked to write an essay about family

Tom wasn’t a very bright boy. So when he got home he went to ask his mother for help. His mother sees a stray cat outside attacking her plants to which she whispers “You son of a bitch it’s on” looks at Tom and replies “I’m busy, bother someone else.” Tom writes that down.


Tom then went t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler, Stalin, and COVID were having a debate

"Who amongst us is the most hated?" Hitler asked

Stalin said "It is I, the Soviet Union killed more people than even you, Hitler!"

COVID says "NONSENSE! I've kept everyone in quarantine for 6 months, ruined global economy, and killed hundreds of thousands of people. I am the most hate...

Jeff Bezos had to divorce his wife last year.

He was shocked when he found out that marriage counted as a union.

Is it necrophilia if I’m dead inside and get screwed over?

I mean, is it not what is on the inside that counts?

Archimedes, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek.

It's Arcimedes' turn to seek and so he starts counting down.

Pascal quickly runs off to some bushes nearby.

Newton starts walking, stops thinks for a while and them draws a large rectangle around himself in the dirt.

The time is up and Archimedes turns around: "Found you, Newton...

What do Walter Reed and Trump National have in common?

Both are places where Trump doesn't count his strokes accurately.

If there's one thing i can count on...

It's my inability to count.

My boss said that for this new contract need someone someone he can trust, someone reliable. I replied "You can count on me, my second name is reliable."

My first name is Un.

When somebody makes you really angry, count to three.

When you get to two, punch them in the face. They won’t be expecting that.

An original light bulb story

A student, let's call him Kevin, was having an oral exam in philosophy with his professor. Naturally, Kevin didn't study and couldn't answer any of the questions, even the easiest ones. The professor felt pity for him and gave him one last chance:

"Ok Kevin, if you can answer this question y...

When the farmer counted his cows in the field he had 196

When he rounded them up he had 200

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Timmy was taking a math test in class...

The first question was 3+2.

Timmy used his fingers and counted 5. Easy enough.

For the next question, it was 5+6.

Timmy realized he did not have enough fingers so he asked his classmate,

“Hey, can I borrow your fingers to do this question?”

The teacher immediatel...

My dad told me to make little things count

That's why I'm teaching maths to dwarfs

Counting cows

Traveling with my grandma when we saw a field of cows. She looked at me and told me: "There are 347 cows in that field". I said: "But grandma, how do you know?" She said: "Dont be stupid. It's easy, you count all the legs and then you divide by 4 and you have the number of cows!"

My dad told this one to me and it’s really corny

What do you call a chicken who counts it’s eggs?

A mathemachicken

I have a friend that lives just outside Chernobyl

After watching the TV Show he told me that he managed to count 14 historical inacuracies within the first 20 minutes... ...then he ran out of fingers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

so a mans car breaks down

a man is driving around and his car breaks down. he happens to be outside a monk temple. he decides to go inside to see if they might be able to help him. the monks are extremely helpful. they let him use their phone, feed him, let him spend the night, they even fix his car for him.

when he's...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jungle snooker. (Long Old joke, but then I’m old so you may not have heard it)

An elephant, a crocodile and a snake met by a riverbank, they had known each other for years and were pals. How about a game ? said the crocodile and the others agreed. Jungle snooker? Asked the elephant. Don’t know that one said the snake, how’s it played? Well said the elephant it’s like table ...

If Russia interfered in USA elections, that proves the system works just a little

At least someone's vote counts

I finished with my ex girlfriend due to her obsession with counting.

I wonder what she's up to now.

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