As a Nevadan, I'm tired of people insinuating that we can't count. We are a great state filled with intelligent people. In fact, I can list off 20 ways we are better than our neighboring states.

Just let me take my shoes and socks off first.

I went to the beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13.

"Sir, you gave me an extra."



"That's a freebie."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"So, Doctor van Helsing, we meet at last," said the Count.

van Helsing turned slowly. The castle library was lit in patches by the bright moonlight spilling through the windows, and otherwise only in a circle of yellow gold by the Dutchman's candle. He had never even heard the door open or a hint of a footfall; and yet there Count Dracula was, less than twe...

STOP THE COUNT!!!

* sorry, typo

Just as the Count was about to pounce on van Helsing, the door to the library was flung open.

Incontinently, a host of furious villagers stormed into the library, waving blazing torches and voicing dire threats. The Count turned to leap on them, then reeled back, repelled at the reek of garlic that wafted from them like a solid thing.

"Count Dracula!" cried the burgomaster, a solid ci...

Doctors say Rudy Giuliani's white blood cells count was low

but he’s demanding a recount.

With great flourish, the Mexican magician exclaimed, "On the count of three, I shall make myself disappear!"

"Uno!!!"



"Dos!!!"



...and then he vanished, without a tres.

Just been speaking to a mate of mine, he's just seen the Chernobyl documentary.

He actually grew up in Ukraine in the 1980's and was able to count at least 11 historical inaccuracies on one hand.

I can count on one hand the number of times I've been to Chernobyl.

It's twelve.

THE COUNT CONTINUES

They found over 20,000 votes behind a radiator in Florida.
Al Gore declared President

Why is Trump so keen to stop counting votes?

His advisers are rushin...

Did you hear about the French man who could only count to seven?

He had a Huit allergy.

If you're wondering why its taking so long to count votes in Nevada

They hired pole workers instead of poll workers

I agree with DJT, we must stop the count!!

Vampires can be very dangerous, after all.

There was a very wealthy Count named Carl.

He always threw extravagant parties and almost everyone loved him, but almost no one knew where he got his massive wealth from.

One day, some law enforcement got suspicious of Count Carl’s wealth and went to him demanded to know where it was coming from. Count Carl refused to tell them, howe...

I just counted all the Trump jokes here again

It's still not enough

I counted 1500 lockdown protesters in our city.

Hold on, it's 900.

Edit: No, wait, it's 500.

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. He went to the doctor to get a sperm count.

The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back. The elderly man came back the next day; the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. The doctor asked, "What was the problem?" The elderly man said, "Well, I tried with my right hand... nothing. I tried with my left ha...

Everywhere I go I keep hearing about all of this “stop the count!” Stuff...

What has Dracula done now?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is Nevada taking so long to count the votes?

When Vegas found out someone was counting they beat the shit out of them and kicked them out.

Three days and counting and still we don't know who will be the president

These are unpresidented times

I can count on my fingers how many times I went to Chernobyl.

It was 14.

Why was Count Dracula not invited to the Halloween party?

Because everyone thought he sucked

It's no surprise Nevada is taking so long to count their ballots

Anyone smart enough to count in Vegas gets kicked out and banned for life

Counting Numbers at School

Teacher: Billy said our last number was 69, Sally what comes after 69.........
Sally: Mouthwash

Why can’t Miss Piggy count past 68?

Every time she gets to 69, she get a little frog in her throat.

I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.

“You’ve given me one too many.”

“That one is a freebie.

Every vote counts

In medieval times, every count votes.

I won the lottery today!!!!

Well, I only got the first two numbers, but my lawyers are working on having them stop the count.

Why are French sailors afraid to count?

The last one to do it got safely to four but then he cinq.

Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?

They got lost at C

An 85-year-old man was told by the Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a sperm sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man ...

I asked my son when the ballots will be finally counted. His answer?

Neva, da.

Nevada counted the ballots in a perfectly acceptable time frame

Sincerely, the last dollar you pump at the gas station

The Ancient Romans were debating how to count things

Their city state was already hundreds of years old, and their Republic was barrelling down the pathway to Empire: but they still hadn't decided fully how to count things.

The Senate was a blaze of fury as populares and optimates rowed over the proper way to measure and record all things numer...

North Korea Covid Count

9:00am : 1

9:10am : 0

9:20am : 1

9:30am :0

How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?

When your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.

How does Bill Gates count to ten?

1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, ME, XP, Vista, 7, 8,10.

Spelling counts

Waiting on a Zoom call to start, but were having technical issues. Client texted and said, "please bare with me." Thought it was an odd request, but she's the client. Eventually we got the video to work, but now I'm fired.

A meathead is counting loudly in the gym as he does bench press...

“1! 3! 5! 7! 9!”

Another meathead:
“Do you even lift bro”

Meathead: “Nah I only odd lift bro”

My 4 year old nephew desided to count, how many different jokes you can find on r/Jokes

- But Johnny, - I said, - you only can count to 20!

- I don't think it's a problem, - he replied.

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them.

Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side.

Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!"

Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church. One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him.

Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings. The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings. So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did.

The priest then asked him again, "Charlie, did y...

Welcome to Australia!

A British national travelling to Australia on holiday is stopped at customs after getting off the plane. There, the customs agent asks him, "business or pleasure?"

"Pleasure," he replies.

"Anything to declare?"

"Does jet lag count?" the Brit asks with a cheesy smile. The Aussie ...

A new twist on an old joke.

Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting.
They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.

He says, ‟2, 4, 6, 8, 10”.

They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him...

It's the little things that count

It's true, I have a friend who is 3 feet tall and he's a really good mathemetician.

A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping. “Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks.

“I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”

I had a hen that could count her own eggs.

She was a Mathmachicken.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbour.

They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.

As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag.

A few minutes lat...

I was recently asked who my favourite vampire was. I said, “the muppet from Sesame Street.”

They told me, “He doesn’t count!”

I replied, “I assure you, he does.”

The jailer started counting the number of inmates one morning

because he wanted a con-census.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy asked his Scottish buddy how many sexual partners he's had.

The Scottish guy started counting, and then fell asleep.

What’s the Republicans’ most hated Sesame Street character?

The Count

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she whispered. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. ...

What did Trump say when Dracula ran away with his things?

STOP THE COUNT!

The year is 2077...

Brexit negotiations continue.
Nevada has counted 98% of the votes.
Cyberpunk has been delayed again.

"Conservatives hate this one simple trick...!!!"

*Count every vote.*

The reason Nevada doesn’t have any election results yet is

If you count in Vegas, you get kicked out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My penis is the same as coronavirus death count

'Cause whenever I see u, it keeps rising.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes for a prostate exam.

The doctor is checking him out when he finds a roll of $100 bills stuffed up his ass. He pulls out the money and counts it.

“You’re not gonna believe this, but I just found $1900 shoved up your ass!”

The man says, “Well that makes sense. That’s why I haven’t been feeling too grand.”

How does a farmer count his cows?

With a Cowculator.

I was counting the money in my wallet and I remembered my microbiologist friend saying that money is the dirtiest thing you can touch all day. Turns out I have $144 in cash,

But I guess that’s just gross....

I asked a friend if he wanted to go with me to count 18 wheelers on the interstate,

He seemed semi-interested.

How many trump supporters does it take to change a light bulb?

I don't know, I've stopped counting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in Mexico last weekend enjoying what the entertainment has to offer....

...ended up going to this magic show that was highly recommended. The Magician came on stage and started the show with a disappearing act. He said "Pay close attention as I will vanish into thin air on the count of three"

He started counting... "uno....dos..."

And sure as shit he disap...

There are 10 types of people -

-The ones who count in base 10

-The ones who count in base 1010

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97

So he rounded them up.

How do you deal with a toddler throwing a tantrum?

Tell him to wait until the vote count is finished

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three.

>!Uno, dos... poof. He disappeared without a tres.!<

Breaking news: Conspiracy against trump confirmed.

In a recent study of ballots it has become apparent that there was in fact a Conspiracy during the election.

Turns out it was way worse than the Republicans first thought though, it is now believed that a massive conspiracy involving some 81 million American adults conspired together against ...

Is Trump going to win the presidency?

DON’T COUNT on it.

I've got a job making plastic dracular figures but there's only two of us on the production line.

I have to make every second count

I once had a hen that could count her own eggs... (BPI)

She was a **mathema-chicken.**



\- Brought to you by the Bad Puns Initiative (BPI)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough,...

...as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly al...

Guy #1 I've never been good at counting cows.

Guy #2: Let me count .... hmmm .... 1341.

Guy #1: Wow! That is impressive. How did you do that?

Guy #2: Easy. I just count the legs and divide by 4.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If being sexy was a crime

Then I’d still be in jail for 34 counts of tax evasion

Why can't blondes count to seventy?

Because 69's a mouthful.

My daughter learned to count!

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night. My wife and I had picked her up from her friend Sally's birthday party, brought her home, and put her to bed. My wife went into the bedroom to read while I fell asleep watching the Braves game.

"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve. "Gues...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a girl who counts all her casual sex partners?

Tally Ho!

I was lying in bed last night, counting sheep, when I thought to myself:

'I could have sworn I shut the barn door...'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar, followed by an ostrich, followed by a cat.

A guy walks into a bar, followed by an ostrich, followed by a cat.

All three sit down at the bar. The bartender looks at the man and says, “What’ll ya have?” The man says, “Gimme a beer.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have one too.” The cat says, “I want two beers, but I’m only gonna pay half price...

All conspiracy theories were proved wrong. Trump will manage to stay in power by...

... dragging the vote count until 2024!

We used to have empires run by emperors and kingdoms run by kings...

Now we have countries.

Jesus walks into a restaurant...

And says to the Maitre'd ‟Table for 26 please”

Confused, the Maitre'd does a quick head count, and says ‟But there are only 13 of you.”

Jesus replies ‟Yes, but we're all going to sit on the same side”

Official Coronavirus Count over time in North Korea

12.01: 1


12.02: 0


13.16: 1


13.17: 0


16.24: 1


16.25: 0


...


...


...

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar with a donkey and an ostrich.

He sits down at the counter and asks for a beer.

“That will be 5.98$, sir.”, the bartender says.

The man, puts his hand into his pocket and pulls out 5 dollars and 98 cents in exact change.

“How much will it cost to buy everyone here a round of drinks?”, the man asks, taking a s...

I am 25 years and counting sober from using heroine!

I am 25

What do Donald Trump and Van Helsing have in common?

Both want to stop the count.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men are standing outside a jewellery shop looking at an expensive ring in the display window

The first man says, "That ring is perfect for Karen. I just wish I could afford it."

The second man says, "I was planning on proposing to Julie soon. She'd love that ring."

The third man says, "Okay, I'll make you both a deal. Whichever one of you gets to the bottom of the street first...

I found a way to stop lasting only 10 seconds in bed!

I just told her to stop counting.

A guy dies and is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter...

... and St. Peter tells him, “Hang on a sec… getting into Heaven isn’t a big deal… I just need to find a good deed you've done in your life… and you’re in.”

And with that, St. Peter starts leafing through this guy’s Book of Life. It’s a thick book, but he’s not finding anything. He gets to th...

Captain Crunch, Frankenberry, Count Chocula, and the Lucky Charms Elf were all murdered last night...

It seems it might have been a cerial killer

if you are having trouble getting someone pregnant, getting your sperm count tested is quick and easy.

But it’ll cost a load.

Did you know tall people are usually bad at math?

... cus it’s the little things that count

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man works up courage to ask his wife how many sexual partners she had before him

She says "really?" and goes silent. Doesn't say anything in the morning. Or afternoon. Or the next day. After 3 days, husband approaches his wife and apologetically asks - "Why are you giving me the silent treatment? Are you mad at me for that stupid question?"

Raising her finger she says "Sh...

A golfer is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole...

...when a second golfer approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.


Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a ...

You do realize that Vampires aren't real...

Unless you Count Dracula.

My friends mom counted over two in Spanish and died.

You could say it was an Overdos.

From the man who brought you "we only have more COVID-19 cases because we're doing more testing" comes the hit single

"I'm only losing because they're counting the votes against me"

A guy gets pulled over by police, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.”

“I can’t”, the guy says “I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.”

“Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.”

“Can’t do that either,” Jim replies, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.”...

I think that one puppet from Sesame Street is my favorite vampire ever.

Some people claim he doesn't count, but I'm certain that he does.

‌‌A p‌‌irate g‌‌oes t‌‌o t‌‌he d‌‌octor a‌‌nd s‌‌ay, "‌‌I h‌‌ave m‌‌oles o‌‌n m‌‌e b‌‌ack a‌‌aarrrghh"

The d‌‌octor: "It's o‌‌k, t‌‌hey're b‌‌enign"

Pirate: "‌‌Count a‌‌gain, I‌‌ t‌‌hink t‌‌here b‌‌e t‌‌en!"

My duaghter made up a joke when she was 5. How do you count to tree?

Bush, Shrub, Tree!

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