I can count on one hand how many times I've been to Chernobyl...

27 times.

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says " Uno , dos ," *poof*.

He disappears without a Tres.

My boss said that for this new contract need someone someone he can trust, someone reliable. I replied "You can count on me, my second name is reliable."

My first name is Un.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

NSFW How do you know your man has a high sperm count?

You have to chew before you swallow.

A study shows that eating 2oz of concentrated tomato sauce per day can keep a man's sperm count up

If you keep that up, your girlfriend just may get Prego.

Quoting old vines counts as a personality, right?

I sure hope it does

Did you hear about the hen who could count her own eggs?

She was a mathemachicken.

I once knew a homeless man named Cuatro Cinco. He would stand on the corner all day yelling, "Count 1,2,3... Count 1,2,3!!!"

One day I asked him,"Why should I count 1,2,3?"

He replied, "Because, Cuatro Cinco says!"

It's easy to explain why so many national governments are in shambles today. Empires used to be run by emperors. Kingdoms were run by kings.

And now we have countries...

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

Because when she gets to 69 there's a frog in her throat.

I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl

And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.

I’ve never been able to count any higher than seven in French...

It turns out I’ve got a huit allergy

When I first learned how to count, I found it very strange at the beginning.

It was odd at first, even then.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them up sinc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Body Count

Him: "What's your body count?"

Me: "For What?"

Him: "People you've slept with..."

Me: "Ohhh! I thought you saw the basement..."

Him: "What?"

Me: "What?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. ...

-It’s not the look that counts, but what is inside.

-OK, but to convince me, you need to provide an example.

-Fridge.

-You got me.

Reddit is supposed to be a place of open and honest discussion where every opinion counts.

If you don't agree, stay out of the comment section.

Why can white girls only count odd numbers?

They can’t even...

I’ve lost count of the number of times my secretary has been late, so I’m finally doing something about it.

From now on I’m using condoms.

After watching the first episodes of HBO's Chernobyl, as a resident of Pripyat, I can count on one hand all of the inconsistencies I have noticed.

So far, there are 27.

My dad told me to make little things count

That's why I'm teaching maths to dwarfs

My daughter learned to count!

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night. My wife and I had picked her up from her friend Sally's birthday party, brought her home, and put her to bed. My wife went into the bedroom to read while I fell asleep watching the Braves game.

"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve. "Gues...

I got a new tattoo because I wanted my friends to be able to count on me. It read:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

I heard it's forbidden to count in Afghanistan...

because of the tally ban.

I finished with my ex girlfriend due to her obsession with counting.

I wonder what she's up to now.

A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three. He says “uno, dos...”

But before he can finish his sentence, a gunshot rings through the air and he falls to the floor, blood oozing out of his head. Screams are everywhere as the audience seeks cover.

His best friend Nathaniel is in the audience, but all he can do is sit there in shock and stare at the corpse of ...

It doesn't matter if you're black, white, old, young, tall, short or even if you're from another country. It's what's INSIDE that counts!

I love you refrigerator!

What Disney character can count the highest?

Buzz Lightyear, to infinity and beyond.

"I like to count girls I slept with to quicker fall asleep"

-Girls? Why wouldn't you be counting sheep instead?

-Oh shut it, it was just one time.

A guy, today, told me to count my blessings,

But I didn’t have to sneeze.

What do you call a girl who likes to count the number of guys she’s slept with?

Tally ho!

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