The 78+ Best Count Jokes

How do you know you have a high sperm count?

She has to chew before she swallow.

My daughter learned to count!

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night. My wife and I had picked her up from her friend Sally's birthday party, brought her home, and put her to bed. My wife went into the bedroom to read while I fell asleep watching the Braves game.

"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve. "Gues...

I can count on one hand how many times I have been to Chernobyl.

It's 14.

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An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man expla...

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "uno, dos..."

*Poof* ... He disappears without a tres.

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

Because when she gets to 69 there's a frog in her throat.

I went to a beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13.

“Sir, you gave me an extra.” That’s a freebie.

I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.

“You’ve given me one too many.”

“That one is a freebie.”

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Does sex count?

Doctor: “Do you do sports?”
Patient: “Does sex count?”
Doctor: “Yes.”
Patient: “Then no.”

I tried to teach my kid to count to ten but he just says “1, 3, 5, 7, 9”

He literally can’t even

How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?

One Mrs. Hippie, two Mrs. Hippie, three Mrs. Hippie...

My ex-wife compulsively counted things, and I ended up divorcing her

I wonder what she’s up to these days

As a Nevadan, I'm tired of people insinuating that we can't count. We are a great state filled with intelligent people. In fact, I can list off 20 ways we are better than our neighboring states.

Just let me take my shoes and socks off first.

I had a hen who could count her own eggs..

She was a mathmachicken.

A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping. “Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks.

“I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”

When counting down, I can't stand negative numbers

I stop at nothing to avoid them.

A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97

So he rounded them up.

Hi. My name is Bill Gates and today, I will be teaching you how to count to ten:

1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10

Scientists removed the right half brain of a man and then they asked him to count to ten.

The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right-half back and removed the left-half, and again asked the man to count to ten.

The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again...

What do you call a hen that counts her own eggs?

A Mathmachicken.

My kid told me that and it made me chuckle.

How do you count a group of Mexicans?

Juan by Juan

In Afghanistan, they've made it illegal to count the votes cast in any election.

It's the Tally Ban.

In a democracy, it's your vote that counts...

...and in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

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R Kelly found guilty of 11 counts of sexual assault

Or 18, if you ask him to do the maths

Have you ever heard of the brave little German boy who can only count to 3?

He knows no vier

Why do anesthesiologists have you count backwards from 100 when they put you under?

Because numb is good but number is better.

STOP THE COUNT!!!

* sorry, typo

Count Von Count is the best vampire.

Other vampires suck.

There was a very wealthy Count named Carl

He always threw extravagant parties and almost everyone loved him, but almost no one knew where he got his massive wealth from.

One day, some law enforcement got suspicious of Count Carl’s wealth and went to him demanded to know where it was coming from. Count Carl refused to tell them, howev...

While playing blackjack at my local casino, the pit boss came up to me and asked what the count was.

I replied "he's a purple Muppet with pointy teeth, but that's not important right now."

Couldn't fall asleep so I started counting sheep ...

Couldn't fall asleep, so I started counting sheep and everything was great as I was drifting off to dreamland THEN one of the sheep said "Hey pal - I think you forgot to make your car insurance payment 7 days ago!" - and I sat up ... wide awake and said "Ewe have got to be kidding me!"

What does a pimp exclaim while counting his money?

Tally-hoes!

How do '90s kids count to 6?

Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, cinco, seis.

I hit a clown car once. I faced 10 counts of manslaughter.

Damn autocorrect. I meant man's laughter. Everyone was fine.

A mathematician and a programmer were asked to count the number of apples kept on the table.

"Five" said the Mathematician.

"Four" said the Programmer.

A farmer counted 198 cows in his field.

But when he rounded them up, he had 200.

How do you count cows?

With a cow-culator

Why did Count Dracula fail art class?

He could only draw blood.

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three.

>!Uno, dos... poof. He disappeared without a tres.!<

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Counting CONDOMS

A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.

Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"

Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."

Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"

Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday an...

How do kids from chernobyl count to a 100?

On their fingers

They can no longer count animals in Afghanistan

Because there is a tally-ban

My dad told me to make little things count

That's why I'm teaching maths to dwarfs

"Clever Hans" was a horse that could count. But you know what's more impressive than a counting horse?

...a spelling bee.

Professor Stone: "To the geologist a thousand years or so are not counted as any time at all."

Man in the Audience: "Great Scott! And to think I made a temporary loan of two pounds to a man who holds such views."

Source: 1913 newspaper

Why is the count from Sesame Street still single?

Because he doesn't ever wanna Miss Count.

A Spaniard is counting small green vegetables...

"Uno pea, dos pea, tres pea, cuatro pea", and then he fainted.

It’s not the women in my life that counts,

it’s the life in my women.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"So, Doctor van Helsing, we meet at last," said the Count.

van Helsing turned slowly. The castle library was lit in patches by the bright moonlight spilling through the windows, and otherwise only in a circle of yellow gold by the Dutchman's candle. He had never even heard the door open or a hint of a footfall; and yet there Count Dracula was, less than twe...

How many batteries does the Talking Count Von Count toy take?

1 AAA

I count women who I slept with when I try to sleep.

\- Why not sheep?

\- I only had one sheep.

Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings...

One by one...

As each relative goes home.

Johnny, could you please come up here and count to ten?

The teacher asked Johnny to come up to the front of the classroom and count to ten

Teacher: "What are waiting for Johnny?"

Johnny took a deep breath

Johnny: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5..."

Suddenly Johnny burst out crying and the teacher came running to him

Teacher: What's wron...

I finished with my ex girlfriend due to her obsession with counting.

I wonder what she's up to now.

It’s no longer legal to use hash marks to count in Afghanistan

This is because of the new tally ban rule.

What did the Afghans get when too many of them were counting?

The tally ban.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity.

Twice.

What's Count Dracula's favorite punctuation?

A period.

There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers.

One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him an addition question. So the uncle asked, "What is three plus four?" The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said, "Seven." The uncle said, "Listen kid, you can't count ...

A skydiving instructor tells his student, "After jumping off the plane, count to ten and pull your parachute."

"W-w-what w-w-was th-th-that n-n-numb-b-ber ag-g-gain?"

"Two."

Jesus enters the restaurant where the last supper is going to take place. Jesus: “table for 26, please” Waiter: “I count only 13 people”

Jesus: “Yeah, but we are all going to sit on the same side”

Cemetery count

How many dead people are in a cemetery?

All of them

I've been counting calories.

I'm trying to beat my high score.

5 yo: Can you count backwards from infinity?

Me: Of course I can but it will take forever.

THE COUNT CONTINUES

They found over 20,000 votes behind a radiator in Florida.
Al Gore declared President

A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three. He says “uno, dos...”

But before he can finish his sentence, a gunshot rings through the air and he falls to the floor, blood oozing out of his head. Screams are everywhere as the audience seeks cover.

His best friend Nathaniel is in the audience, but all he can do is sit there in shock and stare at the corpse of ...

I’ve lost count of the number of times my secretary has been late, so I’m finally doing something about it.

From now on I’m using condoms.

It doesn't matter if you're black, white, old, young, tall, short or even if you're from another country. It's what's INSIDE that counts!

I love you refrigerator!

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My doctor enquired if I was getting enough exercise. "Does sex count as exercise?" I asked. "Yes, it's a very good form of exercise" he replied.

"No then" I said

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A man with no arms and no legs is sunbathing on the beach

A beautiful woman walks over to him and says “awww you poor thing! I bet you’ve never been hugged before have you?”

He replies: “well, no actually I haven’t!”

She leans over and gives him a big hug.

“I bet you’ve never been kissed before either, have you?” she asks.

Once ...

I agree with DJT, we must stop the count!!

Vampires can be very dangerous, after all.

Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek together

Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek together.

It's Einstein's turn to count, and he closes his eyes. After counting to 10, Pascal runs away and hides.

Newton, on the other hand, very calmly draws a square on the ground, 1 meter on each side, in front of the place that Einste...

Just as the Count was about to pounce on van Helsing, the door to the library was flung open.

Incontinently, a host of furious villagers stormed into the library, waving blazing torches and voicing dire threats. The Count turned to leap on them, then reeled back, repelled at the reek of garlic that wafted from them like a solid thing.

"Count Dracula!" cried the burgomaster, a solid ci...

If you're wondering why its taking so long to count votes in Nevada

They hired pole workers instead of poll workers

A Cognitive psychologist asks a concussed man to count from one to ten.

The man does as he is told and counts : " 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 "

"Alright then, everything seems normal. Now could you count all the even numbers from one to ten please"

The man counts: "1, 3, 5, 7, 9"

"That's odd"

Help With Counting Money

Patel: Remove your clothes.

Wife: Why Remove my clothes?

Patel: Just do and come beside me on the bed.

Wife: Okay they are off.

Patel: Nice sweetie. What about your bra and panties? Remove them also.

Wife: Please I am not in the mood. ...

My girlfriend asked me who my favorite vampire was...

I told her it was the dude from Sesame street

She said, "He doesn't count."

I said, "Oh I assure you, he does."

(obligatory cake day joke)

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Why is Nevada taking so long to count the votes?

When Vegas found out someone was counting they beat the shit out of them and kicked them out.

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