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Count Jokes

My daughter learned to count!

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night. My wife and I had picked her up from her friend Sally's birthday party, brought her home, and put her to bed. My wife went into the bedroom to read while I fell asleep watching the Braves game.

"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve. "Gues...
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How do you know you have a high sperm count?

She has to chew before she swallow.
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Sperm count

An 65 year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which wa...

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Does sex count?

Doctor: “Do you do sports?”
Patient: “Does sex count?”
Doctor: “Yes.”
Patient: “Then no.”

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

Because when she gets to 69 there's a frog in her throat.
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I can count on one hand how many times I have been to Chernobyl.

It's 14.
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How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?

One Mrs. Hippie, two Mrs. Hippie, three Mrs. Hippie...
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I went to a beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13.

“Sir, you gave me an extra.” That’s a freebie.
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A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3.

He says "uno, dos..." *poof*. He disappeared without a tres.
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I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.

“You’ve given me one too many.”

“That one is a freebie.”
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My ex-wife compulsively counted things, and I ended up divorcing her

I wonder what she’s up to these days
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I tried to teach my kid to count to ten but he just says “1, 3, 5, 7, 9”

He literally can’t even
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When counting down, I can't stand negative numbers

I stop at nothing to avoid them.
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I had a hen who could count her own eggs..

She was a mathmachicken.
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Count Von Count is the best vampire.

Other vampires suck.
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Counting on Christmas

On Christmas morning, a man is enjoying opening presents with his family but every time he opens a present, he checks to be sure that everything is there…


“Cool, 4 steak knives. 1, 2, 3 and 4!”


“A dozen wrenches? 1, 2, 3, 4….10, 11 and 12! Awesome!”


“Four ...
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STOP THE COUNT!!!

* sorry, typo
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In a democracy, it's your vote that counts...

...and in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
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What do you call a hen that counts her own eggs?

A Mathmachicken.

My kid told me that and it made me chuckle.
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A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97

So he rounded them up.
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it's now illegal to count anything in Afghanistan....

They have.a... Taliban
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Hi. My name is Bill Gates and today, I will be teaching you how to count to ten:

1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10
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How do you count a group of Mexicans?

Juan by Juan
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Scientists removed the right half brain of a man and then they asked him to count to ten.

The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right-half back and removed the left-half, and again asked the man to count to ten.

The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again...
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Counting CONDOMS

A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.

Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"

Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."

Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"

Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday an...

A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping. “Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks.

“I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”
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R Kelly found guilty of 11 counts of sexual assault

Or 18, if you ask him to do the maths

As a Nevadan, I'm tired of people insinuating that we can't count. We are a great state filled with intelligent people. In fact, I can list off 20 ways we are better than our neighboring states.

Just let me take my shoes and socks off first.
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In Afghanistan, they've made it illegal to count the votes cast in any election.

It's the Tally Ban.
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How do '90s kids count to 6?

Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, cinco, seis.
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There was a very wealthy Count named Carl

He always threw extravagant parties and almost everyone loved him, but almost no one knew where he got his massive wealth from.

One day, some law enforcement got suspicious of Count Carl’s wealth and went to him demanded to know where it was coming from. Count Carl refused to tell them, howev...
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A new twist on an old joke.

Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting.
They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.

He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".

They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him ...
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How do you count cows?

With a cow-culator
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A farmer counted 198 cows in his field.

But when he rounded them up, he had 200.
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Why did Count Dracula fail art class?

He could only draw blood.
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A large and powerful kingdom conquered their wealthy neighbor only to discover its treasure was all hidden away.

Only the count from the conquered kingdom knew where the gold was hidden but he refused to tell.

The conquerors took him to the dungeon, placed his head on the chopping block, and told him:

“This is your last chance! Tell us where the gold is or off comes your head!”

Beads of s...
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How do kids from chernobyl count to a 100?

On their fingers
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What does a pimp exclaim while counting his money?

Tally-hoes!
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Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek together

Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek together.

It's Einstein's turn to count, and he closes his eyes. After counting to 10, Pascal runs away and hides.

Newton, on the other hand, very calmly draws a square on the ground, 1 meter on each side, in front of the place that Einste...
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They can no longer count animals in Afghanistan

Because there is a tally-ban
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Why do anesthesiologists have you count backwards from 100 when they put you under?

Because numb is good but number is better.
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Have you ever heard of the brave little German boy who can only count to 3?

He knows no vier
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My dad told me to make little things count

That's why I'm teaching maths to dwarfs
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"Clever Hans" was a horse that could count. But you know what's more impressive than a counting horse?

...a spelling bee.
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Redneck vasectomy

After the birth of their 9th child, a redneck couple decided they'd had enough because they couldn’t afford a larger bed. The husband went to the veterinarian and asked to be snipped. "Me'n my cousin don't want no more kids"

The vet told him he could get a vasectomy, but it was expensive. "Th...

Cemetery count

How many dead people are in a cemetery?

All of them
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A Spaniard is counting small green vegetables...

"Uno pea, dos pea, tres pea, cuatro pea", and then he fainted.
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THE COUNT CONTINUES

They found over 20,000 votes behind a radiator in Florida.
Al Gore declared President
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I hit a clown car once. I faced 10 counts of manslaughter.

Damn autocorrect. I meant man's laughter. Everyone was fine.
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A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three.

>!Uno, dos... poof. He disappeared without a tres.!<
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My girlfriend asked me who my favorite vampire was...

I told her it was the dude from Sesame street

She said, "He doesn't count."

I said, "Oh I assure you, he does."

(obligatory cake day joke)
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Why is the count from Sesame Street still single?

Because he doesn't ever wanna Miss Count.
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Chuck Norris counted to infinity.

Twice.
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A redneck birth control

After having the 10th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough since they could not afford another kid.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him the he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy th...

I've been counting calories.

I'm trying to beat my high score.
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What's Count Dracula's favorite punctuation?

A period.
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Just been speaking to a mate of mine, he's just seen the Chernobyl documentary.

He actually grew up in Ukraine in the 1980's and was able to count at least 11 historical inaccuracies on one hand.
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While playing blackjack at my local casino, the pit boss came up to me and asked what the count was.

I replied "he's a purple Muppet with pointy teeth, but that's not important right now."
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Keeping Count

One night, a man, his wife and a friend decided to have dinner together. After eating they opened a couple of bottles of wine. Upon finishing the wine the friend realized it was late and he should go home, but the man insisted he stay the night because he was drunk and in no condition to drive. The ...

Daughter: "Mom, I'm dating the neighbor"

Mother: "But he could be your father..."

Daughter: "Age doesn't count for me, Mom!"

Mother:" I don't think you understand..."
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It’s not the women in my life that counts,

it’s the life in my women.
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Help With Counting Money

Patel: Remove your clothes.


Wife: Why Remove my clothes?


Patel: Just do and come beside me on the bed.


Wife: Okay they are off.


Patel: Nice sweetie. What about your bra and panties? Remove them also.


Wife: Please I am not in the mood. ...
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"So, Doctor van Helsing, we meet at last," said the Count.

van Helsing turned slowly. The castle library was lit in patches by the bright moonlight spilling through the windows, and otherwise only in a circle of yellow gold by the Dutchman's candle. He had never even heard the door open or a hint of a footfall; and yet there Count Dracula was, less than twe...

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One night I asked my Scottish friend how many sexual partners he’s had

He started counting, and after a minute or so, he fell asleep

My friend, Karen, and I visited a place you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas and Missouri. Karen opened up that she was actually in a fourth state: crippling depression. I said, "I'm so sorry"

"...but you can't count Missouri twice."
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A pirate goes to the doctor and say, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh."

The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign."

Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"
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I want my 11780 dollars.

Dear Bank of America, I just want to find 11780 more dollars in my savings account.Everyone at your bank counted wrong.
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Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings...

One by one...

As each relative goes home.
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5 yo: Can you count backwards from infinity?

Me: Of course I can but it will take forever.
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Johnny, could you please come up here and count to ten?

The teacher asked Johnny to come up to the front of the classroom and count to ten

Teacher: "What are waiting for Johnny?"

Johnny took a deep breath

Johnny: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5..."

Suddenly Johnny burst out crying and the teacher came running to him

Teacher: What's wron...
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Body Count

Him: "What's your body count?"

Me: "For What?"

Him: "People you've slept with..."

Me: "Ohhh! I thought you saw the basement..."

Him: "What?"

Me: "What?"

Spelling counts

Waiting on a Zoom call to start, but were having technical issues. Client texted and said, "please bare with me." Thought it was an odd request, but she's the client. Eventually we got the video to work, but now I'm fired.
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A blonde girl excitedly arrives home from school.

“Mommy Mommy, all the other kids can only count to 4, but I counted all the way to 10! Is it because I'm blonde Mommy?”

“Yes dear, it’s because you’re blonde.”

The girl returns home the following day even more ecstatic.

“Mommy mommy! When we dressed for gym class, all the oth...
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A man went skydiving for the first time. "It's easy," said the instructor.

"Just count to five and pull on the main chute," the instructor continued. "If that doesn't open, count to ten and pull on the reserve chute."

"Super easy," he concluded. "Then you'll float slowly to the ground, and our bus will be there to drive you back to the airport."

The man j...
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A man with no arms and no legs is sunbathing on the beach

A beautiful woman walks over to him and says “awww you poor thing! I bet you’ve never been hugged before have you?”

He replies: “well, no actually I haven’t!”

She leans over and gives him a big hug.

“I bet you’ve never been kissed before either, have you?” she asks.

Once ...

A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’
After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’
‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s ...
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I had sex with my third cousin.

My sister told me to stop counting.

I count women who I slept with when I try to sleep.

\- Why not sheep?

\- I only had one sheep.
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I finished with my ex girlfriend due to her obsession with counting.

I wonder what she's up to now.
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I just got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas

There are only two of us on the production line, so I have to make every second count
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Man to therapist : "I just fucked my fourth cousin."

Therapist : "Is that a problem for you?"

Man : "The problem is that I'm counting."

Today I was counting potatoes

I was being quantipotative.
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Yo mama so ugly...

Her blowjob counts as anal.

For her birthday I bought my wife new beads for her abacus.

It's the little things that count.
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2 Millennials get into a counting contest

The announcer says "okay Millennials, start counting from 1 to 2000!"

They both scoff and easily count that high within minutes. One says "I'm a Millennial, I could count to 2000 in my sleep!

The announcer, obviously worried that there will not be a winner, thinks up a plan.

He ...
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I agree with DJT, we must stop the count!!

Vampires can be very dangerous, after all.
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How do you count cows?

With a COW CULATOR

Sorry, I’ll shut up now.
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I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl

And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.
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Counting Numbers at School

Teacher: Billy said our last number was 69, Sally what comes after 69.........
Sally: Mouthwash
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Do dirty limericks count? This is my favorite.

There once was a man from Nantucket

Whose dick was so long he could suck it.

He said with a grin

As he wiped off his chin,

"If my ear were a pussy, I'd fuck it!"

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