UPJOKE
applyusehireworkengageutilizejobemploymentexploitemployerutiliseplaysignemployeecontract

Employ Jokes

A painter is employed to whitewash the local church. But he makes the mistake of thinning the paint down too much, so that it all washes away the first time it rains.

The minister rings the painter to complain. "What do you want me to do about it?" says the painter.

"Repaint," says the minister, "And thin no more."

During an interview the potential employer asked the young man “What you consider to be your greatest weakness"?

The job applicant replied “Honesty.”
The interviewer commented "Honesty? I don’t think honesty is a weakness.”
The young man replied “I don’t care what you think!”

A man comes into the Airport Employment Office.

He looks like a real hick, in overalls, muddy boots, and a ragged straw hat. "Ah'z looking fer a jobe," he announces.
"And what is it you do, good sir?" asks the man at the desk.
"Ah'z uh pahlut."
Surprised, the man says "Really? Well, we can always use another pilot around the airpor...

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks…

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man applies for a government job

A guy goes into the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?” He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.

”Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?”

“Yes,” he says, “I was in Afghanistan for one tour.”

The interviewer ...

Jim and Ted were let go after 15 years working at the bra factory so they headed down to the local Employment office…

There they each filled out some forms. They both had worked the same quality assurance positions on the line down at the “Over The Shoulder Boulder Holder Inc.”. Afterwards they each met with a jobs counselor to try and find new employment they could embark on. As the final step they met individua...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A golfer knows which way the wind is blowing by employing a clever tactic involving grass.

But it must be a pain in the ass to lug around a bong.

As a responsible employer, All my staff are in a 2 week quarantine.

Productivity is through the roof since nobody can leave the office.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Orange Penis.

A man went to see his doctor with a concern for his penis which had turned orange.The doctor asked the man what sort of employment he had to which the man said he was currently unemployed.The doctor asked the man what he did with his time all day to which the man replied I watch Porn and eat Cheetos...

What sort of scientists does Soda Stream employ?

Fizzyscists

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A louse enters the employment bureau and says, "I'm unemployed, what to do?"

The clerk looks at the computer and says, "I can offer you a job in Danny's mustache."

"Great", says the louse, and the next day she goes to work.

Two days later she comes back, "I can not work in Danny's mustache - He smokes a lot, and I have asthma."

"Well", says the clerk, ...

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The a...

Man goes to a job interview.

Interviewer: see you have a recent employment gap of 5 years, what have you done in that time?
Man: I spent the first 4 years in Yale.
Interviewer: that's impressive, what have you done in the last year?
Man: I've veen looking for a Yob.

James, please tell me who is the idiot here, you or me?

Well sir, you don't look like a person who would employ an idiot.

Breaking News: Reddit has employed Radiohead as moderators

Or should they be called Karma Police?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This wealthy couple are employing a housemaid. She decides to ask for a raise.

She goes to the lady and asks: “Ma’am, I’d like a raise.”

The lady responds: “A raise? But why on earth? I see no reason why.”

The housemaid says: “Well, for starters, I cook better than you, ma’am.”

The lady gets annoyed and replies: “Where does that come from?”

“Well, M...

A lady finds out what a reference said about to her potential employer and is upset by it.

She calls her friend and asks him: "Why did you say I was a racist?!"

The friend is confused and asks "what are you talking about?"

The lady tells him, "You know how I listed you as a reference for that job in publishing? Because I always wanted to work in publishing? Well, not alway...

The new job

A Miami man seeking employment is passing in front of a job recruiting office when is stops to read some of the jobs being offered.


Suddenly he notices an intriguing offer.

“WANTED: GYNECOLOGIST’S ASSISTANT”

NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES,

HELP TH...

‘Describe yourself with one word’, my employer asked.

‘Bad with numbers’

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandad was responsible for bringing down several Nazi planes during WW2.

The Luftwaffe said he was the worst mechanic they ever employed.

I'm gonna start a taxi company and employ only lovable, silly, lighthearted drivers.

I'll call it Goober

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An East End gang boss had always been very careful with whom he employed, for fear of being grassed up...

He thought he'd been really clever in hiring a crooked accountant who was deaf and dumb. There wasn't
much of a risk that he would overhear too much. However, it quickly dawned on the boss that
someone was stealing money from him. A lot of money. And it didn't take long for him to discover it<...

A dog goes to the Job Centre

A dog goes to the job centre and asked for assistance in finding employment.

The employee at the Job Centre says "Bloody hell! A talking dog! You should get a job at the circus!"

The dog replies "Why's that? Are they after a plumber?"

They are opening a hardware store in Indiana where they will only employ people who have had a difficult childhood being raised in either domestic abuse or foster houses.

It will be called the Broken Home Depot.

Facebook is looking to employ

No need to send in your resume; they already have your information.

*During an interview* Interviewer: 'So how long were you employed in your last job?'

Candidate: 'I'd say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do marketers in the human body employ meiosis over mitosis when making their advertisements

Because sex cells!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the church was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little talk at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had s...

A friend asked: "Now that you're self-employed; are you going to let your hair grow?"

I replied: "I'm letting it, but it's not taking advantage of the opportunity."

A snail decides he wants to be a racer...

So he employs a pit crew, a coach, and a designer. The designer paints a big 'S' on the side of his vehicle which the snail highly approves of.

He tries out at a local track, and starts overtaking all the other amateurs much faster than anyone else.

The coach stares and says 'Look at...

I'm working on a "rock opera" adaptation of The Wizard of Oz that would employ the songs and sounds of the best British artists, including the Rolling Stones, Jessie Ware, Mumford & Sons, the Verve, David Bowie, and Radiohead.

It's called "Mum-Ware Stone-Verve the Rade-Bow."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The pickle factory worker

Jim worked in a pickle factory, and one day he got the strongest urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer. He knew he shouldn’t do it, but the urges were just too much. He went to the on call psychologist offered through his employer and confided his urge with them.

First session:

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A traveling salesman employs a man with a stutter to sell toothbrushes...

His expectations are low for this guy, so he gives him a couple dozen toothbrushes to sell, expecting him to flop out.

To his surprise, the man returns in an hour with all the money. "S-s-sold then a-all!", he says.

The salesman chalks it up to beginners luck, and hands the stutterin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is told by his employer that he has to go see the company doctor in order to keep his insurance...

He reluctantly goes, and is amazed to find no examination table, just a wall full of computer equipment. The doctor walks in and says, "Just place your hand on the scanner here" and shows the man a screen. Bewildered, he places his hand on the screen and immediately the panel glows beneath his hand,...

A guy was nailing his interview and the employer said "well application looks great but there's a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened?"

The guy says "oh I went to yale",
The employer: Oh great your hired you start Monday.

Guy: "Yay I got a yob!"

There once was a town out west...

There once was a small town out west, nestled between the Rocky Mountains. The town was built on a stream, with a small lake the stream snaked outward from. Most of the town was employed by multiple large orchards nearby, and the town's inhabitants spent their days at the lake enjoying their time of...

Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want.
On my last job,
every time anything went wrong,
they said I was responsible."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pentagon found that it employed too many generals and decided to send some with early retirement.

They promised every general retired a full annual income and all associated benefits plus $ 10,000 for each inch measured in a straight line between two self-chosen points on his own body.

The first who accepted the retirement plan asked to measure the distance between the tips of his toes an...

Interviewer: How do you explain this four year gap in your employment history?

Me: That was when I went to Yale

Interviewer: Wow! That's great. You're hired!

Me: Thanks, I really need this yob.

I just heard Google employing are unionizing

I had no idea they were charged particles before!

A society lady runs into the employment office one day and demands a maid "right now". It seems she's having a dinner party that night and her maid quit.

The guy in the agency explains that all the girls he has right now have just gotten off the boat from Ireland.
They're untrained. The lady says she'll train the girl but needs someone right away.

The agency guy asks for volunteers and Molly comes forward. She agrees to go and be trained....

I always tell people I work for the United Nations.

It's a better way of saying I'm U.N.employed.

Robocop lost his job on the Police force..

He's found new employment advertising for a barber shop

Shave now.. or there will be stubble

Being self employed sucks

My boss is always threatening to kill me

I don't know why employers don't like neck tattoos

It shows you can sit in one spot for hours while tiny needles are jabbed into your skin, which is what every meeting I've ever been in feels like.

A friend of mine who suffers from long term memory loss went to an employment agency to find what work he's suited for.

Today he became chief moderator for r/jokes.

Sure, people may look down on me for being self-employed, but it certainly has some hidden perks.

For instance, my boss gives the best handjobs.

Future Employer: How good are your Microsoft Office Skills?

Me: Mark my word, I excel in it. Just give me access to it and I'll show you all the powerpoints.





(pls don't bully if it is a dumb joke, first post here)

My employer has recently started testing their products on animals.

I guess it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't work for a hammer factory.

A man goes to court to fight his parking ticket ...

When he arrives he has to wait in the waiting room. He looks over and spots a woman with a beaming smile. He asks "why are you so happy to be at court?" The woman replies, "I actually work here, and I love my job!" The man asks "What do you do?". The woman replies "I'm a psychic." The man says...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Spanish maid begins to argue with her employer's wife to give her a raise

"Why should I give you more money?" The wife asks bitterly

The maid answers, " Well the way I see it, I have three good reasons. First, I clean better than you."

This made the wife a bit mad.

"Is that so? Who says?"

The maid smiles. "Your husband, miss."

Upset, ...

Who does the work?

The population of this country is 327 million.


76 million are retired.
That leaves 251 million to do the work.


There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.
Which leaves 203 million to do the work


There are 74 million children yo...

So my brother works at a research facility. His employer only stocks the bathrooms with single ply toilet paper.

They say it leads to the most breakthroughs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the worst part of being a self-employed, one person work from home business?

The constant sexual harassment, from the boss, while you're just trying to get work done.

You hear about the anchored float who only employed his mates?

Jobs for the buoys

Which company is the best employer for cis people?

Cis Co

When my employer asked if I had a criminal record...

...I guess "highest number of robberies in an hour" wasn't the answer he was looking for.

I heard due to the pandemic jobs of all types have been affected. Even employment rates for hitmen are down 75 percent...

On the bright side, demand for ninja assassins is through the roof!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Business

Father: "I will marry you to a girl of my choice."

Son: "No fucking way!"

Father: "She is Bill Gates Daughter."

Son thinks shortly: "In that case... Okay."

Father visits Bill Gates.

"I would like to marry my son to your daughter."

Bill Gates, laughing: "No!"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was filling out an employment application when it asked me SEX: M or F?

I wanted to be honest so I said F if I can, M as a last resort.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Indian salesman

A young guy from India moves to the US and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was an insurance salesman back in India ."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked...

A Jamaican man was recently employed in a butchers...

...one of his jobs that night was to prepare bacon sandwiches for the next morning but he ended up wasted on a 6 pack of beer and when he sampled the bacon he found it to be too delicious and ended up scoffing the whole lot.

In the morning when the owner asked to try a sandwich, the guy panic...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My new employer asked me to take a drug test. I said "No, thanks."

"I'll pass."

A virus comes to a bank to get a loan. "Are you employed?" asks the bank assistant.

"No," replies the virus, "I'm contracted."

Form the self employer's handbook:

There is no "we" in "team"

Employeer: So what's your greatest weakness?

Me: I always celebrate prematurely.

A Lumberjack went for a job, interviewer said tell me your previous employment, he said I cut down all the trees in the Sahara, interviewer, but the Sahara is a dessert.

Lumberjack says yeah it is now.

I know that self employed people and those without health care are having a pretty tough time right now...

But the people I really feel sorry for are the burglars. Can you even imagine how difficult it is to find an empty house to rob, right now?

A Jewish joke updated for modern times

Pastor Jackson and his secretary were sitting in a coffeehouse in Washington DC in 2022. "Pastor Jackson," said his secretary, "I notice you're reading Fox News! I can't understand why. A Black libel website! Are you some kind of masochist, or, God forbid, a self-hating Black person?"

"On the...

For 30 years I’ve made tools employing a chamber with a colored liquid and an air bubble, used to determine if a surface is perfectly horizontal. My wife says that’s not a career and that I’m a joke.

Yeah, well this joke has worked on so many levels.

I think the Chinese employer liked jewellery...

He asked me what I could bling

Funny how things are still tagged NSFW

As if any of us still have jobs

Update: stop bragging about being employed, it's lowering morale /s

What do you call a self employed individual who works with fertilizer?

An Entremanure.

Why was the employee fired for covering his employment terms with Clorox?

It was a bleach of contract

A recently employed man doesn’t go to his new job without explaining why.

His boss calls him and asks, “Do you hate your job?”
The man replies, “No sir, I love it!”

“So why don’t you ever show up?”

“Well, I was told when you love your job, you never have to work a day in your life.”

Jesus walks in to an employment office

The man behind the desk, stunned says "hello Jesus, how can I help you?"

"I'm looking for work, my son" Jesus replies

"Can I ask what skills you have?"

"Well I'm a qualified carpenter"

The employment officer bashes his details in to the computer

"Well I have two c...

Of course our company is an equal opportunity employer

We always make sure to have equal numbers of X and Y chromosomes

A dog walks into an employment agency and says he’s looking for full-time work.

“Holy cow! A talking dog!” the agency owner cries. “With your talent, I’m sure we could find you a job in entertainment. Maybe a circus?”



“A circus?” the dog asks. “Why would the circus need an accountant?”

Employing

When employing someone, gather all the C.V.s together and randomly split them into two piles. Take one pile and throw it in the bin. This stops you employing anyone unlucky.

Our town's male strip club has employed a lot of poorly endowed men.

Ironically, they aren't short staffed.

Two friends go to an employment agency looking for jobs.

The agent asks the first one what he does. "Pilot" the man says.

"Excellent" the agent replies. "We have a bunch of openings for pilots." She gives him a form and sends him on his way.

She then asks the second man what he does. He tells her he's a woodcutter.

"Oh, I'm sorry" ...

I don't know why people say that no employer will be interested in your liberal arts degree.

I would love to hire someone who has clearly shown that they don't care at all about how much money they make.

My employer made a rule forbidding females to wear yoga pants or leggings to work and the women are very upset about it.

I think they should just put on their big girl pants and get over it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was driving down a country road when I saw a sign: "Talking Dog For Sale."

I drove another mile before I turned around. A talking dog? Really?

I pulled up a gravel laneway and parked next to the barn. An old farmer was working on his tractor.

"Excuse me," I said, "but I couldn't help but notice your sign. Is it true you have a talking dog for sale?"

"Y...

My employer drug tested me

Turns out his weed is better.

Steve sees an ad for hiring a music producer.

The ad reads: "MUSIC PRODUCER WANTED! Must be able to play piano, type 40 words a minute, and be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer!" So he decides to go apply for the job.

The hiring manager is pleased with his resume but says, "Well your resume looks good, but I have to admit S...

So I found out why France has such a bad employment problem

It's because they aren't fond of occupations

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Simple Economics

SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISMYou hav...

A restaurant owner says that he employs a 2-meter tall musician.

The musician was 160 cms tall, just another man exaggerating the size of his pianist.

My employer treated me just like family...

After being with them for 18 years, they kicked me out!

I quit my job last year because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self employed.

My boss is still an idiot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you make $200 an hour you can't complain that your employer is fucking you

Because $200 an hour is a very reasonable rate for getting fucked.

An employer had just finished interviewing candidates for a job...

His secretary comes in to see the boss throwing out out half of the resumes he had received. She promptly asks, "Why are you throwing out those resumes?" To which the employer responds, "I don't want to hire unlucky people."

An unemployed guy gets a call from the lady at the Employment agency

Lady : I have two openings for you.

Guy : I know.

The lady hangs up.

One day at the bar, the warden of a prison and the manager of a football club get into a argument about football.

The warden mocks the manager’s players. Saying they are pathetic, over-payed babies who collapse whenever there’s a slight breeze. He claims that his inmates, could beat them easily as they are made of sterner stuff.

The manager laughs. The inmates are all criminals, they would cheat or even ...

At the end of a job interview, the employer asks the future employee

"So, do you have any questions regarding the company ?"
"How many people are working here ?" "well, i hope that at least half of them are."

Im going to start a handyman business that employs illegals for odd jobs...

I'm going to call it Manuel Labor.

Henry goes to work

His employer is screaming at him “You should have been here at 09:00”.
Henry: Why what happen at 09:00?

I employed a new gardener and gave him a list of tasks to do, when I returned he had only done tasks 1,3,5 and 7 on the list.

Turns out he's an odd job man.

Strike Asks Employers to Imagine "A Day Without a Woman."

I knew traffic seemed smoother than usual this morning.

An illusionist was employed to entertain the guests of a cruise ship.

He had a handful of good tricks he performed quite well and because there was a new audience every other week or so, he didn't have to worry about coming up with new ones. The trouble came when the Captain's talking parrot, after watching the same show time and time again, started to figure the tric...

A Man Buys several Acres in the Countryside

and hires a local contractor to build a fence around his new property.

The next day, the contractor arrives in his pickup with a small trailer of tools and materials to begin work on the fence.

The contractor begins digging the first hole with a shovel only to find the ground is mostl...

Did you hear about the shop that only employed dwarves?

It had to close because it was short staffed.

I know a guy who owns an electrics and wiring company. He swears by employing only Germans and sending about a dozen of them to each contract....

He reckons that many Hans make lights work.

There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

&nbsp;

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the 18th century, a hopeful Asian laborer landed in America and went straight to the employment office.

He didn't speak a word of English, and the men at the employment office couldn't figure out where he was from. They took a vote to see if he was Chinese or Japanese.

It was a Thai.

My favourite joke: Now Hiring

A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."



The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and deci...

A leopard is walking through the jungle when he sees a lost dachshund in the distance...

He stealthily begins to stalk up on him, intent on making a meal of him. However, the dachshund catches a glimpse of him out of the corner of his eye. Knowing that there's no way he can win a footrace against a leopard, he decides to employ other tactics; he sits down by a nearby pile of bones. Once...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just saw an employment ad...

...for cleaning elephant dicks... The pay isn't good but the tips are big...

I'll be here all week...

An old joke from Germany, when Trump jad just became President...

Trump is on Europe tour. He stops by in Germany and visits Mrs. Merkel in the german pariament; the 'Bundestag'.

He sees that everything there is working out just fine, so he asks her: "How do you do that?"
"What?", she asks.
"That everything works out so well?"

"Oh, that's easy....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

why do pedophiles make good employers?

they don't mind if you're a little behind.

At Santa's workshop, there are no Christmas bonuses. Why not?

Because they're all elf-employed.

A husband and wife who travel with the circus go to an adoption agency, but are met with skepticism.

"Do you really feel that a traveling circus is suitable evironment to raise a child?" the lady from the adoption agecy asks.

"Certainly," he couple reply. "We have a beautiful, fully equipped, state of the art nursery that we will be traveling with.

Still showing reservations, the woma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Israelis are sitting on the beach in Tel Aviv...

... reading newspapers. One is reading a reputed newspaper published in Tel Aviv, but the other is reading an anti-Semitic propaganda paper published by Iranian subverts.

The first guy asks the second: "why in God's name are you reading that anti-Semitic rag?"

The second guy responded...

Help Wanted

There's a dog walking down the street and he sees a sign in a shop window that says:

"HELP WANTED"

"Must be able to type 60 words per minute."

"Must be computer literate."

"Must be bilingual."

"An equal opportunity employer."

So, the dog goes inside and asks...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hilarious, subversive memo sent to 20,000 federal employees early in computer mass-messaging age

This memo was sent out to 20,000 federal employees in my agency in the early 1990s, when federal computer systems first got mass messaging. The first incarnation of this system allowed *any employee* to mass message. Some low-level employee sent this to all. Needless to say, the agency immediatel...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill worked in a pickle factory...

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confessed to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk abou...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.