I'm gonna start a taxi company and employ only lovable, silly, lighthearted drivers.

I'll call it Goober

What sort of scientists does Soda Stream employ?

Fizzyscists

Facebook is looking to employ

No need to send in your resume; they already have your information.

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Why do marketers in the human body employ meiosis over mitosis when making their advertisements

Because sex cells!

Looking for Office help..

So they put a sign in the window, that read:

HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist ...

A restaurant owner says that he employs a 2-meter tall musician.

The musician was 160 cms tall, just another man exaggerating the size of his pianist.

They are opening a hardware store in Indiana where they will only employ people who have had a difficult childhood being raised in either domestic abuse or foster houses.

It will be called the Broken Home Depot.

I'm working on a "rock opera" adaptation of The Wizard of Oz that would employ the songs and sounds of the best British artists, including the Rolling Stones, Jessie Ware, Mumford & Sons, the Verve, David Bowie, and Radiohead.

It's called "Mum-Ware Stone-Verve the Rade-Bow."

Im going to start a handyman business that employs illegals for odd jobs...

I'm going to call it Manuel Labor.

A leopard is walking through the jungle when he sees a lost dachshund in the distance...

He stealthily begins to stalk up on him, intent on making a meal of him. However, the dachshund catches a glimpse of him out of the corner of his eye. Knowing that there's no way he can win a footrace against a leopard, he decides to employ other tactics; he sits down by a nearby pile of bones. Once...

Some good tips for your English class.

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It...

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[NSFW] A man faces judgement after stealing a loaf of bread.

He is thrown to the floor infront of a Judge, who announces, "The prisoner is to be hung, immediately". The guards pick up the man and drag him out.

A week passes and the same man is thrown infront of the Judge, having been caught stealing more bread.

"GUARDS!!" Shouts the Judge, "Em...

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The Promotion

I came home from work last night and told my wife that I've been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ my own private secretary.

"Well, you'd better hire someone who's a bit old, fat and ugly" she said "I don't want you choosing someone who you're ...

A man went in for an interview...

A man went in for an interview for a job as a sales man. The interview went quite well, but the trouble was that he kept winking.

The interviewer said, "Although you have a lot of the qualities we are looking for, the fact that you keep winking could put a lot of our potential customers off."...

Reportedly the President said...

If I can employ an employee, why can't I hate a Haiti?

A rugby player was hurt very badly during a scrum and he had both of his ears ripped off...

Since he was permanently disfigured, he decided to give up playing rugby for good.

His club and insurance company ensured that a large sum of money went his way.

One day, he decided to invest his money in a small but growing sportswear business.

He bought the company outright ...

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A couple have surprise twins, and they name the girl Denise...

At a complete loss of what to name their bouncing baby boy, they employ the help of the father's brother.

He comes into the room and peers over the twins, assessing their features.
He rubs his chin, noticing how different the twins are.

Of course, one is a girl, and one is a boy....

If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...

I would employ lots of woman whose sole job will be to call me handsome.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The three knights (NSFW)

Okay, so the king employs three new knights to guard his daughter's bedroom as she sleeps. He warns them: "If you try to sleep with my daughter, I will kill you." However, he does not expect the new knights to heed his warning, and so he makes the daughter put a knife inside of her vagina.

T...

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Ed Zachary Disease

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite sometime. She was afraid that there might be something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well known Chinese s...

My favorite koan

One afternoon a student said "Roshi, I don't really understand what's going on. I mean, we sit in zazen and we gassho to each other and everything, and Felicia got enlightened when the bottom fell out of her water-bucket, and Todd got enlightened when you popped him one with your staff, and people w...

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NO EMAIL

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test. The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Irish joke, my mum told me this over ten years ago (she's part Irish and can pull the accent) and I've created it to be a bit story like. Hope you like.

Paddy was outta work, and he ask'd his mam if she knew of any going.

She sent him down to the docks to his cousin Paddy. (Small world)

Me mam said der was a jab go'n.

(I'm going to do the rest in English cos Fuck writing it all like this!)

Paddy wasn't to happy about empl...