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This wealthy couple are employing a housemaid. She decides to ask for a raise.

She goes to the lady and asks: “Ma’am, I’d like a raise.”

The lady responds: “A raise? But why on earth? I see no reason why.”

The housemaid says: “Well, for starters, I cook better than you, ma’am.”

The lady gets annoyed and replies: “Where does that come from?”

“Well, M...

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A traveling salesman employs a man with a stutter to sell toothbrushes...

His expectations are low for this guy, so he gives him a couple dozen toothbrushes to sell, expecting him to flop out.

To his surprise, the man returns in an hour with all the money. "S-s-sold then a-all!", he says.

The salesman chalks it up to beginners luck, and hands the stutterin...

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An East End gang boss had always been very careful with whom he employed, for fear of being grassed up...

He thought he'd been really clever in hiring a crooked accountant who was deaf and dumb. There wasn't
much of a risk that he would overhear too much. However, it quickly dawned on the boss that
someone was stealing money from him. A lot of money. And it didn't take long for him to discover it<...

As a responsible employer, All my staff are in a 2 week quarantine.

Productivity is through the roof since nobody can leave the office.

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A guy goes into the US Postal Services to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."


"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward empl...

I don't know why employers don't like neck tattoos

It shows you can sit in one spot for hours while tiny needles are jabbed into your skin, which is what every meeting I've ever been in feels like.

I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers...

....Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.

Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want.
On my last job,
every time anything went wrong,
they said I was responsible."

You hear about the anchored float who only employed his mates?

Jobs for the buoys

I heard due to the pandemic jobs of all types have been affected. Even employment rates for hitmen are down 75 percent...

On the bright side, demand for ninja assassins is through the roof!

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What's the worst part of being a self-employed, one person work from home business?

The constant sexual harassment, from the boss, while you're just trying to get work done.

What sort of scientists does Soda Stream employ?

Fizzyscists

Being self employed sucks

My boss is always threatening to kill me

A millionaire....

A Millionaire is on holiday in a poor country. Each day he's sitting on a beach he sees a fisherman go out on his boat for an hour and catch a few fish. After a few days he approaches him and says 'Excluse me, but I couldn't help noticing you each day. Have you ever thought about fishing for longer ...

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Bill and the pickle slicer

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but ...

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My new employer asked me to take a drug test. I said "No, thanks."

"I'll pass."

A friend of mine who suffers from long term memory loss went to an employment agency to find what work he's suited for.

Today he became chief moderator for r/jokes.

Future Employer: How good are your Microsoft Office Skills?

Me: Mark my word, I excel in it. Just give me access to it and I'll show you all the powerpoints.





(pls don't bully if it is a dumb joke, first post here)

Funny how things are still tagged NSFW

As if any of us still have jobs

Update: stop bragging about being employed, it's lowering morale /s

Interviewer: How do you explain this four year gap in your employment history?

Me: That was when I went to Yale

Interviewer: Wow! That's great. You're hired!

Me: Thanks, I really need this yob.

A virus comes to a bank to get a loan. "Are you employed?" asks the bank assistant.

"No," replies the virus, "I'm contracted."

Sure, people may look down on me for being self-employed, but it certainly has some hidden perks.

For instance, my boss gives the best handjobs.

Despite getting A-level results of A, B, B, A

it seems that no employer will take a chance on me.

I'm gonna start a taxi company and employ only lovable, silly, lighthearted drivers.

I'll call it Goober

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A British explorer sets out for an expedition into Africa...

This is a time when Europeans know very, very little about the "cannibalistic African savages," and the African tribesmen know even less about the ways of the white man. So, our explorer comes to Africa, hoping to disperse the clouds of mist, and after having to resort to employing firearms a few ti...

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On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surpri...

For 30 years I’ve made tools employing a chamber with a colored liquid and an air bubble, used to determine if a surface is perfectly horizontal. My wife says that’s not a career and that I’m a joke.

Yeah, well this joke has worked on so many levels.

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The ultimate revenge ( long)

Melville was 10 years old and he loved clowns. When he heard that the circus was coming to town he did everything he could to convince his parents to take him so he could see the clowns. They eventually agreed and when the day arrived he was incredibly excited! He was on the edge of his seat with an...

A restaurant owner says that he employs a 2-meter tall musician.

The musician was 160 cms tall, just another man exaggerating the size of his pianist.

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Why do marketers in the human body employ meiosis over mitosis when making their advertisements

Because sex cells!

This joke is for all the engineers out there

Three university engineering students are having a heated debate over which type of engineering is the best to specialize into. Mechanical is clearly the best says the one student, its the most interesting field and theres more employment opportunities post grad!! no way says the other student elect...

Facebook is looking to employ

No need to send in your resume; they already have your information.

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A man is told by his employer that he has to go see the company doctor in order to keep his insurance...

He reluctantly goes, and is amazed to find no examination table, just a wall full of computer equipment. The doctor walks in and says, "Just place your hand on the scanner here" and shows the man a screen. Bewildered, he places his hand on the screen and immediately the panel glows beneath his hand,...

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'...

What do you call someone who works at a rodeo?

An EmployYee.

My Mom's favorite joke

There was a woman named Betty Lou, whose life had recently fallen into a downward spiral of horrible luck. She had been laid off after working for the same company for several years. She began binge eating to cope, and as a result become terribly overweight. This made it more difficult for her to ac...

Quincy inherited a large sum of money at a young age from his father, but he wasted it all on illicit drugs and became destitute and homeless.

It's a cold December night in New York City, with temperatures well below freezing point. Quincy shivers in his one and only winter coat, the same one he's had for the past ten years, lying on a park bench sheltered by nothing but tree canopies. Quincy, in a rare moment of soberness and self-reflect...

*During an interview* Interviewer: 'So how long were you employed in your last job?'

Candidate: 'I'd say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.'

Im going to start a handyman business that employs illegals for odd jobs...

I'm going to call it Manuel Labor.

Job application...

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast food establishment.
Not sure if they hired him....

NAME - Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION - Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here i...

We're in Trouble

The population of this country is 327 million.


76 million are retired.


That leaves 251 million to do the work. 


There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.


Which leaves 203 million to do the work


There are 74 million chil...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was filling out an employment application when it asked me SEX: M or F?

I wanted to be honest so I said F if I can, M as a last resort.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Spanish maid begins to argue with her employer's wife to give her a raise

"Why should I give you more money?" The wife asks bitterly

The maid answers, " Well the way I see it, I have three good reasons. First, I clean better than you."

This made the wife a bit mad.

"Is that so? Who says?"

The maid smiles. "Your husband, miss."

Upset, ...

They are opening a hardware store in Indiana where they will only employ people who have had a difficult childhood being raised in either domestic abuse or foster houses.

It will be called the Broken Home Depot.

A man and his wife are looking for a job

The man, unable to find any employment in his field, decides to apply for anything he can find in the hopes of earning enough to feed his family.

A few days later, he comes home overjoyed. His wife enquires, and he happily said he found a job as a stuntman in a circus! The pay is good, he ha...

Form the self employer's handbook:

There is no "we" in "team"

Why was the employee fired for covering his employment terms with Clorox?

It was a bleach of contract

So my brother works at a research facility. His employer only stocks the bathrooms with single ply toilet paper.

They say it leads to the most breakthroughs

A Lumberjack went for a job, interviewer said tell me your previous employment, he said I cut down all the trees in the Sahara, interviewer, but the Sahara is a dessert.

Lumberjack says yeah it is now.

Employeer: So what's your greatest weakness?

Me: I always celebrate prematurely.

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The Pentagon found that it employed too many generals and decided to send some with early retirement.

They promised every general retired a full annual income and all associated benefits plus $ 10,000 for each inch measured in a straight line between two self-chosen points on his own body.

The first who accepted the retirement plan asked to measure the distance between the tips of his toes an...

A guy was nailing his interview and the employer said "well application looks great but there's a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened?"

The guy says "oh I went to yale",
The employer: Oh great your hired you start Monday.

Guy: "Yay I got a yob!"

A recently employed man doesn’t go to his new job without explaining why.

His boss calls him and asks, “Do you hate your job?”
The man replies, “No sir, I love it!”

“So why don’t you ever show up?”

“Well, I was told when you love your job, you never have to work a day in your life.”

What do you call a nun employed by your company?

Nun of your business.

Employing

When employing someone, gather all the C.V.s together and randomly split them into two piles. Take one pile and throw it in the bin. This stops you employing anyone unlucky.

A dog walks into an employment agency and says he’s looking for full-time work.

“Holy cow! A talking dog!” the agency owner cries. “With your talent, I’m sure we could find you a job in entertainment. Maybe a circus?”



“A circus?” the dog asks. “Why would the circus need an accountant?”

I think the Chinese employer liked jewellery...

He asked me what I could bling

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There are three guys looking for a job

They come across this toothbrush seller, they ask for a job and end up getting it. Their employer tells them “ok all you guys need to do is walk around town and sell as many toothbrushes as you can, then once the days over you come back to me and tell how many you sold”, so they each get a box of to...

I'm working on a "rock opera" adaptation of The Wizard of Oz that would employ the songs and sounds of the best British artists, including the Rolling Stones, Jessie Ware, Mumford & Sons, the Verve, David Bowie, and Radiohead.

It's called "Mum-Ware Stone-Verve the Rade-Bow."

A Jamaican man was recently employed in a butchers...

...one of his jobs that night was to prepare bacon sandwiches for the next morning but he ended up wasted on a 6 pack of beer and when he sampled the bacon he found it to be too delicious and ended up scoffing the whole lot.

In the morning when the owner asked to try a sandwich, the guy panic...

A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well

The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"

The man replied, "Oh that's when I went to Yale."

The employer is even more ...

My employer has recently started testing their products on animals.

I guess it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't work for a hammer factory.

My employer made a rule forbidding females to wear yoga pants or leggings to work and the women are very upset about it.

I think they should just put on their big girl pants and get over it.

What do you call a self employed individual who works with fertilizer?

An Entremanure.

Of course our company is an equal opportunity employer

We always make sure to have equal numbers of X and Y chromosomes

Our town's male strip club has employed a lot of poorly endowed men.

Ironically, they aren't short staffed.

I figured out why I’m so tired!

For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the w...

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I’ll never contract coronavirus

Why would I employ that dickhead?

A young man named Theseus moves to a lakeside fishing village looking for work

When he arrives, he finds one of the residents, Justin, is interested in going out and seeing the world, and wants to sell his fishing boat to fund that trip. Thinking that it might be a good way to make a living, Theseus buys the boat and spends the next few years learning the trade, establishing a...

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A young guy from West Virginia moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in West Virginia ." Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and
figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you d...

Two friends go to an employment agency looking for jobs.

The agent asks the first one what he does. "Pilot" the man says.

"Excellent" the agent replies. "We have a bunch of openings for pilots." She gives him a form and sends him on his way.

She then asks the second man what he does. He tells her he's a woodcutter.

"Oh, I'm sorry" ...

My employer drug tested me

Turns out his weed is better.

There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

&nbsp;

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...

I don't know why people say that no employer will be interested in your liberal arts degree.

I would love to hire someone who has clearly shown that they don't care at all about how much money they make.

Two chemists walk into a bar

The first chemist says: I'll have a H2o

The second chemist says: Same

The first chemist goes to the bathroom and contacts his employer on his radio to inform him that plan A had failed.

My favourite joke: Now Hiring

A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."



The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and deci...

When my employer asked if I had a criminal record...

...I guess "highest number of robberies in an hour" wasn't the answer he was looking for.

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Bovine Economics

Basic Economics, brought up to date...



\*\*SOCIALISM\*\*



You have 2 cows.



You give one to your neighbor.



The government charges a gift tax.







\*\*COMMUNISM\*\*



You have 2 cows.



The...

The outmaneuvre !

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, borin...

Salary negotiation

Employee: I’d like to be paid what I’m worth.
Employer: And I’d like to pay you what you’re worth, but I can’t because there are minimum wage laws.

Ineffective Daily Affirmations

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault.

I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employ...

I quit my job last year because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self employed.

My boss is still an idiot.

A husband and wife who travel with the circus go to an adoption agency, but are met with skepticism.

"Do you really feel that a traveling circus is suitable evironment to raise a child?" the lady from the adoption agecy asks.

"Certainly," he couple reply. "We have a beautiful, fully equipped, state of the art nursery that we will be traveling with.

Still showing reservations, the woma...

One of the best things about being self employed

I name myself employee of the month every month.

Jesus walks in to an employment office

The man behind the desk, stunned says "hello Jesus, how can I help you?"

"I'm looking for work, my son" Jesus replies

"Can I ask what skills you have?"

"Well I'm a qualified carpenter"

The employment officer bashes his details in to the computer

"Well I have two c...

My employer treated me just like family...

After being with them for 18 years, they kicked me out!

An Irish lad just graduating school embarks on his career in business.

Found employment in a nice village. Being a bit of an introvert, took him a few months to venture into the local pub. Asked the bartender for 3 pints, and he took them back into a dark corner table, drank the 3 and left. After a few days, when he ordered his usual 3, the barkeep said "Ya know lad, I...

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The Broken Grandfather Clock

A man once owned a beautiful grandfather clock (well, he probably still does, but let's put that aside for now). Now, when I saw the grandfather clock was beautiful, I mean absolutely gorgeous. The clock stood nearly 6 feet tall, made from the most splendid mahogany wood, accompanied by intricate ha...

Redditors who were employed by the CIA in 1963: what was the biggest government conspiracy no one has uncovered

Worth a shot.

A man wins the lottery...

[*I heard this joke for the first time as a 13 year old at a family party. So imagine my mild mannered German 70 year old great uncle calmly telling this joke to the whole table. I had never heard him tell a joke before. It's still one of my favourite jokes*]

A man wins the lottery after year...

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If you make $200 an hour you can't complain that your employer is fucking you

Because $200 an hour is a very reasonable rate for getting fucked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New HR policy

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduced budget, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.


Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase...

A teacher was getting fed up with one of her student’s bad hand writing-

She said “Your hand writing is absolute chicken scratch! I can barely read it. How are you going to get a job if your employer can’t read what you write?”

He said “Don’t worry, Miss. I’m going to be a doctor.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A millennial shows up at an employment agency.

He goes: "Hi, I'm looking for a job, and despite the stereotype, I'm willing to do anything and start from the bottom.

The agent goes "well, there's a farm that needs help with loading some grain sacks."

"Ah, well, that sounds very tiring, and it probably involves being in the sun or t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To get revenge on my boss, I had sex with his daughter

Then I remembered that I'm self-employed

Strike Asks Employers to Imagine "A Day Without a Woman."

I knew traffic seemed smoother than usual this morning.

Life before the computer:

Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show.

A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu.

A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad wa...

Relationship between Employer and Employee

They pretend they pay us, we pretend we work.

An unemployed guy gets a call from the lady at the Employment agency

Lady : I have two openings for you.

Guy : I know.

The lady hangs up.

I employed a new gardener and gave him a list of tasks to do, when I returned he had only done tasks 1,3,5 and 7 on the list.

Turns out he's an odd job man.

A leopard is walking through the jungle when he sees a lost dachshund in the distance...

He stealthily begins to stalk up on him, intent on making a meal of him. However, the dachshund catches a glimpse of him out of the corner of his eye. Knowing that there's no way he can win a footrace against a leopard, he decides to employ other tactics; he sits down by a nearby pile of bones. Once...

An employer had just finished interviewing candidates for a job...

His secretary comes in to see the boss throwing out out half of the resumes he had received. She promptly asks, "Why are you throwing out those resumes?" To which the employer responds, "I don't want to hire unlucky people."

I know a guy who owns an electrics and wiring company. He swears by employing only Germans and sending about a dozen of them to each contract....

He reckons that many Hans make lights work.

At the end of a job interview, the employer asks the future employee

"So, do you have any questions regarding the company ?"
"How many people are working here ?" "well, i hope that at least half of them are."

A man is looking for a job at a recycling plant...

A man has been out of a job for quite some time now. It seems that he has fallen into quite the slump and his wife is threatening divorce if he doesn’t get a job.
He finally gets applications out and gets an interview from the local recycling plant. He goes in and answers all the typical questio...

I just nutted on my boss's daughter

Sadly, im self-employed.

An illusionist was employed to entertain the guests of a cruise ship.

He had a handful of good tricks he performed quite well and because there was a new audience every other week or so, he didn't have to worry about coming up with new ones. The trouble came when the Captain's talking parrot, after watching the same show time and time again, started to figure the tric...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW

Sally has been feeling harassed by one of her coworkers, John. She tells her employer that he has been harassing her and he asks her, "What does he do?"

She says, "He always tells me my hair smells nice."

Her boss replies, "That's not really sexual harassment."

Sally says, "He's...

A local business owner was looking for office help.

The owner put a sign in the window that read: “Help wanted. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer, and must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer.”

A short time later, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign, and went inside.
After going inside, the dog looke...

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