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I used to think that clowns doing the 1930’s cream pie gag was hilarious

Until I realized that I too have also been creampied by clowns

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't ...

I dropped my pie on the apartment stairs

Now it’s some where between three and four

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I just opened a pioneering business," the guy says.

"So, what do you actually do?" the bartender asks. "I just told you," the guy replies. "I sell pie and earrings."

A mathematician walks into a diner. He asks the waitress for pie.

She says: " 3.14159 26535 "

I was walking home late one night when I saw dozens of giant cupcakes and pies everywhere. It was kind of scary.

The streets were oddly desserted.

I tried to make a pie with fish innards!

It was cod offal.

A mathematician opens a bakery

and does a fine job making sure the goods are absolute delights and well priced for such. However, one day his customers walk in to see that the price of pies has doubled from the day prior, Furious, they ask why, and the owner says, “Well, I realized that I was charging for one pie but selling two!...

My four favorite things..

..are chicken pot pie and not using commas.

What's the difference between sailors and gluttons?

One worries about pirates while the other worries about pie rates!

Hospitality

The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "Yo...

What do you call a pie without 3.14?

2.718

Quiche is like the fools gold of the baking world.

When you see it, you think it’s pie right?

Where do you go to weigh a pie?

Somewhere over the rainbow.

In Jamaica, a slice of pie costs $3.50. In the Bahamas, a slice of pie costs $5.50.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

The cops confiscated all my brownies at a bake sale.

Jokes on them, the weed was in the apple pie.

What do you call an Apple pie that's smoking a joint?

A baked apple pie!

What to you call a obese mouse?

A PIE-RAT

Why did the Stock Broker quit his job to become a Baker?

He overheard some great advice. "BUY DOUGH, SELL PIE!"


....I'll see myself out.

A lot of people are pretty upset about "fat shaming" jokes these days

Maybe they need to lighten up

What’s the best temperature to bake pie?

360 degrees.

How many pies can an explorer eat before they go deaf?

Two: a pie an ear!

Possibly the greatest dad joke of my dad’s whole career

Preface: I’ve been sick in bed for 10 days with infectious mononucleosis or ‘mono’


So, Mom brought home some pie and she gave me a slice. I only had like half of it because it was making me nauseous so she decided to save it for me. But I guess Dad didn’t know that so he ate the rest of ...

What's the problem eating too much pumpkin pie this time of year?

You'll get autumn'y ache.

A math professor is trapped on a deserted island with nothing but a pie

He decides to ration the pie so he can survive for a month, and hopefully someone will have come by then.

He dies a week later cause he ate all the pie in one day.

He should’ve listened to what he told his students

“Pi is irrational”

A pie costs $2.20 in Jamaica and $1.90 in Cuba.

Does anyone else know the pie rates of the Caribbean?

Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in cuba for $1.50 and in jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?

Those are the pie rates of the carribean.

When I first realised that the two most fundamental mathematics constants spell pie I nearly died

Couldn't find my epi pen

I love pie.

I could eat it 22/7.

What did the Pie scientist use for their experiment?

A peach tree dish.

My flirtatious neighbor called me and said that she bought too many zucchinis and ended up making two cheese and zucchini pies. She said I was welcome to come over and take one, and she also had some left over herbs that I could have.

So I went over, and she told she had just finished reading a Cosmo article called "which traffic sign are you?"



"Which traffic sign would your ideal woman be?" she asked me seductively.



I said " Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with I just want your extra t...

Why is my hand like lemon pie

Cause it's got meringue on it.

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NSFW Whats good on pie, but bad on pussy?

The crust.

Pilaties?

I thought you said pie and lates

Why were the pirates happy when they washed up on shore and saw cakes, pies, and ice cream?

It was a desserted island.

I sent my waifu an apple tart with a note.

"Please notice me, sent pie."

Captain

Met an old sailor once in a bar. Sat and talked for a while and asked him if he heard of Jack Sparrow. Suddenly he started telling me about how in Jamaica, beef pies cost $1.50. Goat pies cost around $2 and apple pies are about $2.50.

In Trinidad the prices are roughly the same. Cheese and o...

What did the octopus eat for dessert

Octo-pie

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Every year at the state fair...

... Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn't going to bother and enter.

"What kind of attitude is that?" David asked. He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you...

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My Job Application for McDonalds

NAME: Kicky Pie   

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a yea...

Grandma's Apple Pie

An old man is dying, with his young grandson by his bedside. He asks his grandson to lean over and whispers "Johnny, I smell your grandma's apple pie. Looks like she took it of the oven. Go to the kitchen and bring me a piece. It's my favorite."

Johnny gets up and leaves. 2 minutes later he c...

Husband and wife are fighting. She says, you think you know me better than anyone else, do you?

Wife: what is my favorite pie?

Husband: a round one

Wife: lucky guess

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What do you call it when you have sex and climax in a Massachusetts girl?

Boston Creme Pie

Don't believe everything you hear

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cowra.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator r...

A woman asked me what a creampie was

I made sure to fill her in

I was turned away when I tried to order a pie from Yoda's bakery.

"Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie."

How does Davy Crockett prefer his pie?

Alamo'd

How does Davey Crockett take his pie?

Alamo'ed

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Simple Simon met a Pie-Man on his way to the fair. Simple Simon said to the Pie-Man "What have you got there?" and the Pie-Man said

"Pies you stupid fuck"

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What do you call a pie that’s full of horseshit?

Ajit Pai

Why were the children disappointed when their teacher gave them Pie?

It was a maths teacher.

What type of pies take up the most time?

Occupies.

What does a pumpkin's circumference and it diameter have in common?

Pumpkin pie.

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You ever stick your dick in pecan pie?

It's fucking nuts.

Little known fact about the first pie eating contest ...

It started March 14, 1592.

It hasn't stopped.

Edit - fixed the date

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Noah's diary: Day 39

Unicorn pie is fucking delicious!

I can't believe no one has managed to come up with a cure for anorexia yet...

I thought it'd be a piece of cake...

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What do you get when you mix in a piece of shit to your favorite pie?

Ajit Pai

As I sit here eating my Pi day pie, I'm looking forward to also celebrating Tau day.

Then my desserts will have come full circle.

I ate some shepherd's pie today

...he seemed pretty angry about it.

What do priests and the Pied Piper have in common?

They both entertain children with their fiddle.

Why didn't Santa get any mince pies on Christmas?

Because it was stollen.

My wife crashed our car this morning.

When the police came she said the guy involved was on his mobile and eating a pie at the time.

The police advised her the guy was entitled to do what he wanted in his own living room.

A cake walked into a bar...

It was gonna try to find it's owner because it was celebrating his 50th birthday.

But when the people saw the cake they were very puzzled. What is this thing? (Seeing very well that it had legs and arms)

The cake replied, "I am a cake looking for someone named- ooh I don't remember b...

What does a Mathematician say when he eats too much pie?

√(-1/64)

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The Japanese flag is actually just a pie chart..

..about how many of them are scared of Godzilla.

What did the Pie say when he failed a math test?

"How did I get these simple questions wrong! I am so irrational!"

(long) Three men die together and end up in front of the gates of Heaven...

St. Peter states to the three men "It is not widely known but in order to get into Heaven, you need to answer a simple question about religion." so, he turns to the first man and asks, "what is Easter?"

The man pauses and says, "Is that the holiday where we gather around the table with our fa...

I think my favorite Thanksgiving food is pie

But some people say that's irrational...

The New Market on the Corner

A new market opened up in Bill's neighborhood, so he decided to go down and see what they had for sale.

Inside appeared to be different produce stands, but, strangely, all he saw were bakery stuffs on the shelves. One was covered in pies and labeled "Pineapple Pies - $2/lb." Another was cover...

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A bloke walks into a pub with a meat and potato pie balanced on his head

He walks up to barman and says:

'Can I have a pint of bitter, please.'

'Certainly,' says the barman and starts pulling a pint. But he can't resist asking. 'You do realise, sir, you have a meat and potato pie on your head?'

The bloke replies: 'Yes, I always have a meat and potato...

My wife was upset and asked if I thought she was fat

To calm her down I replied 'oh Honey.. sugar, sweetie pie.. avoiding these would be a good start'

How do terrorists like their apple pie?

Allah mode.

No place like home...

Tom had lived in New York City for 30 years now. As he looked out the window of his office suite, he realized it was Christmas Eve.

He had been so absorbed with the company business and without a family of his own, had really not been paying attention to the holidays. As he stared at t...

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