UPJOKE
pastrybiscuitcakecrustapple pietartcustardcheesecakepumpkin piechickenpattybreadpuddingpizzadessert

A food critic was stealing pie-making recipes

A food critic was stealing pie-making recipes in the guise of rating and reviewing pies from various bakeries.



She was Pie-rating.

What is a Pie?

Since Pi = 3.14159

and e = 2.71828

so Pie = Pi x e

hence pie = 8.539721265



A friend and I were discussing Pie and I came up with this joke

I thought it was funny and she said it is the most pathetic joke she has ever heard

So Just looking for a con...

Where is the best place to weigh a pie?

Somewhere over the rainbow.

Why did the pie cross the road?

Because it was meetin' potato.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do a burnt pie, a frozen beer and a pregnant girl have in common?

.

.

.

>!An idiot that didn't pull out in time.!<

“Waiter, waiter, why is my apple pie all mashed up?!”

“Sir, you did ask me to step on it.”

What did Yoda say when the bakery was out of Pies?

Dough. Or Doughnut. There is no Pie.

Wife asks her husband to fix the fridge. He replies "What am I, a repairman?" So she got their neighbor to fix it. She tells her husb "It's fixed. Our neighbor said he would fix it if I either slept with him or baked him a pie."

Husband laughs and asks "So what kind of pie did you bake him?"

Wife replies "What am I, a baker?"

Gordon Ramsay goes to Australia and whips up a lemon meringue pie.

The whole audience cheers! “That's strange," he says. “I thought Australians usually boo meringue."

What did they call the first person to bake a pie?

A pie-oneer.

Warning: Lawyer joke ahead

A big-city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator ...

Why did the apple pie go to the dentist?

Because it needed a filling!

In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75…

…a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15.

In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95.

In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but ...

What do you call a mud pie on April 22?

An Earthday cake!

I'll see myself out.

Noah's diary : Day 39.

Unicorn pie is delicious!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife smacked me because she saw me give another woman a cream pie at work.

What's wrong with this woman? I work at a bakery.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's great on pie but terrible on pussy...?

Crust

Why is it so difficult to work at an apple pie factory?

Because they have such a high turnover rate!

What do you get when you eat 3.14 pies?

Fat. You get fat.

What? Like I would make a pie joke on my cake day?

The Revenge of a Truck Driver

A truck driver stopped at a roadside restaurant. The waitress brought him a hamburger, a cup of coffee and a piece of pie. As the truck driver was about to start eating , three men in leather jackets pulled up on motorcycles and came inside. One grabbed the man's hamburger, the second one drank his ...

Chicken pot pie

My three favourite things!

When I was young, I brought a pie to the USA, a pie to Russia, and a pie to North Korea.

All because my maths teacher told me to carry pie to 3 dismal places.

A piece of pumpkin pie costs $2.00 in Jamaica and $2.45 in Barbados.

These are the pie rates of the Carribean.

A slice of pie in Jamaica is $2.75 and a slice of pie in the Bahamas is $3.50

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

What is the difference between just telling a joke, and providing an intellectual analysis of that joke?

Just *telling* a joke is like hitting your audience in the face with a custard pie.

However, an intellectual *analysis* of a joke is like hitting your audience in the face...

...with a *recipe* for custard pie.

What letter can be made into a pie?

P can

What’s the difference between cake and pie?

πr2, cakes are round.



Happy Cake Day to me.

A baker was putting pies in an oven. The first pie says to the other "It's kinda hot in here."

The second pie says "AAHHH A TALKING PIE!"

What's the most expensive pie in Texas?

Creampie.

What the difference between cake and pie?

Put a candle on a cake and it’s a party.

Put a candle on a pie and someone’s drunk in the kitchen.

Why does pirate likes to eat pie?

Because PIE RATING is in their job description.

I love pie.

I could eat it 22/7.

A boy walks into a bakery

He goes to the counter and asks the baker: “you got cucumber pie?” The baker answers: “We don’t, sorry”

The next day, the same boy goes to the same bakery, walks to the counter and asks the baker: “you got cucumber pie?” Again, the baker answers “we still don’t, sorry!”

After the kid l...

In an effort to raise funds a children's amputee charity have joined together with the local vampire hunters and bakers to sell baked goods to raise much needed funds.

They'll be selling stake and kidknee pies.

A terrible pun

What is a mathematicians favourite food?

Pie

A forgetful husband

An old couple sit in their living room when the wife starts complaining to her husband. "You are getting more and more forgetful, it's terrible, you never bring me what I asked for." He rejects this claim and says: "This is not true, I'll prove you wrong and bring you some food from the kitchen. Wha...

Chicken pie in the Bahamas...

A chicken pie in the Bahamas costs $7, while a shepherd's pie, in Jamaica, costs $8. But a mushroom pie in Bermuda only costs $3.

That's right.

Those are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

George claims that his dick is the "Hardest Dick In The World!"

George will pay anyone $5000 cash to anyone who can bring him something absolutely harder than his dick.


One man brings a basketball-sized boulder. George easily smashes the boulder with his dick. The man picks up the boulder pieces and angrily walks off.


A second man brings a ...

Pricey Pies

Did you know a pork pie in Aruba costs $1.50? A cheese and spinach pie will cost you $2.60 in Barbados. An apple pie is only $1.30 in Jamaica whereas a pecan pie will set you back $3.50 in Grenada.



And those are the pie rates of the Carribean.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went into the cafe for lunch today and ordered the nicest looking thing on the menu, home-cooked steak pie. After taking the first bite, I called the owner over. "This is cold!", I complained..

"Well of course it is." She replied, "I live fucking miles away."

So I was baking a premade pie and the instructions told me to put it in the oven at 180 degrees.

Now I'm left with an upside down pie in an oven.

In Jamaica pies cost $4.76, in the Cuba pies cost $3.89, and in Haiti pies cost $3.23.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Three Stooges are spending the night in a haunted house... and get up to their usual eye-poking, nyuk-nyuking, slapstick shenanigans. In the middle of the pie fight, a poltergeist appears. Curly throws a cream pie and it turns around in midair and smacks him right in the face!

He turns to Moe and says, "Hey, I think that ghost must have been from Australia."
"Oh yeah, why?"
"Because it just threw a Boo-Meringue at me!"

What's the difference between pie and cake?

πr^2, but cake are round.

yup, waited about 4 months to post this.

My favourite childhood memory is making mud pies with my grandad.

Until mom found out and hid the urn.

Driver

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels' bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was a teen, i'd have sex with all types of food. Pies, watermelons, bananas.... come to think of it, fruit were the best for sex.

Except lemons. Never touched those. Didn't wanna get lemonaids.

π r2

No. Pie are round. Cornbread are square.

A slice of apple pie costs $2 in Cuba. But, in the Bahamas a slice only costs $1

Sorry, I'm just telling you the pie-rates of the Caribbean

\*Laughs in Johnny Depp\*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I used an apple pie to masturbate

Maybe I should've left the store before.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which Pie takes 9 months to Bake?

A cream pie!!!

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that’s amore

When you suddenly squeal 'cause you stepped on an eel that’s a moray!

The Captain's red shirt

Bored of living in poverty in the late 1700's, Finn decides he wants a slice of the pie in the high stakes world of pirates. He knows pirates dock down in the bay by his village, so once he spots them, he manages to sneak aboard one of the ships. He eventually gets discovered, and rather than throw ...

I think my favorite Thanksgiving food is pie,

but some people say that’s irrational.

What do you call a pie without 3.14?

2.718

A Viking is out shopping when he comes across an old woman in a wheelchair crying.

"What's wrong?" asks the Viking.

"Well," the woman says, wiping her tears, "I have been living on my own for many months now, and my daughter and son-in-law have at last come to visit me. My daughter has brought me along on this shopping trip, but it's the first time I've really been out and ...

Whenever my Muslim roommate goes to pray, I sit next to him with some apple pie and ice cream.

Then both of us are in A La mode.

Someone told me today is Pie day

Sounds great. I love cake!

Did you hear about the sailor who turned into a pumpkin pie?

He's a squashbuckling pirate

My friend is blindly in love with pie.

I don't what to do with his irrational relations.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A slice of coconut cream pie is $2.50 in Barbados. It is $2.75 in Trinidad & Tobago. $3.25 on St. Thomas

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

Couldn't find any round pies for Pi Day!

My baker insists pie are squared

I thought I saw some pie and a gold medal. I was half correct.

Turns out it was a piece of cake.

What is an Australian ghost's favorite pie?

Boo meringue

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So why are you in prison? [long]

Well, after a long and hard 12 hour shift at work and an hour long commute I make it home. Obviously I’m not in the mood to cook and most everywhere is closed, so I decide to order a pizza.

I call up the local pizza place, put in an order for a large with everything on it, and I wait. I wait ...

Oldest cake joke

A rabbit visits a bakery and asks if they make carrot cake.

The baker says they don't, so the rabbit buys a key lime pie.

This repeats several days until the baker is sick of it and decides to try making one.

The next time the rabbit enters, the baker proudly tells that they do ...

My wife sat down with half a pie before dinner.

Me: Are you really planning to eat pie before dinner?

Her: Its only half a pie.

Me: Its still irrational.

A man went into a cafe and asked for a meat pie.

"Shall I cut it for you?" said the waiter."Yes, please," said the man."How many pieces?" asked the waiter, "Four or six?""Better make it four. I don't think I can eat six!

A billboard advertising a pie shop read...

'Just 3.14 miles away. '

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Obama went to meet Putin in Moscow…

…After dinner at the kremlin, Putin asks Obama to join him in a separate room. He leads Obama into a white room with three red buttons and a two- way mirror, and he closes the door behind him.

Not knowing what to do, Obama decides to press the first button. He pressed it and a giant boxing gl...

What’s the opposite of Sad Pie Night?

You tell me ;)

Did you know that Cherry Pie is $15 in Barbados but only $10 in Antigua?

Arrr. Those be the Pie rates of the Caribbean today.

Eating too much cake is a sin of gluttony

However, eating too much pie is okay because the sin of pi is always zero.

Grandma's Apple Pie

An old man is dying, with his young grandson by his bedside. He asks his grandson to lean over and whispers "Johnny, I smell your grandma's apple pie. Looks like she took it of the oven. Go to the kitchen and bring me a piece. It's my favorite."

Johnny gets up and leaves. 2 minutes later he c...

An old guy was sitting eating at a local truck stop...

when three big, burly bikers walked in. The first stubbed his cigarette out in the old guy's pie, the second walked past and spat in his coffee, and the last flipped the guy's plate over, tipping the rest of his meal everywhere.

The old guy didn't say a word. He just got up and slowly walked...

I dropped my pie on the apartment stairs

Now it’s some where between three and four

PewDiePie walks into a bar

He can’t. He has no legs.

The first time Snoop Dogg bought a pot pie he was probably very disappointed.

I’m sorry but I thought of this and nearly peed myself

Why did the waitress say when Rick Astley asked to fast track his order of apple pie and vanilla ice cream?

I"m never gonna run around and dessert you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Oatmeal Cream Pie

The most disturbing category in the Grannie Porn collection.

Well, after spending all day worrying about a food shortage at the annual spoonerism contest...

it turns out it was just a lack of pies!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If someone with a severe banana allergy eats a banana cream pie....

Will they go into bananaphylactic shock?

What’s a Muslim’s favorite pie topping?

Allah mode

What's the problem eating too much pumpkin pie this time of year?

You'll get autumn'y ache.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.