We all know where the Big Apple is but does anyone know where the…

Minneapolis

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't ...

An Apple Store in Minneapolis reported losing $200,000 in inventory to riot-related theft.

'Thankfully the looters took nothing but two iPhones' the store's associate manager said.

If A is for apple, and B is for banana, then what is C for?

Plastic explosives.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. It was an apple but with extremely limited memory.

Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.

I was cutting into an apple the other day and the knife broke as it reached the centre.

... that's pretty hard core.

A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica. The same slice of pie costs $3 in the Bahamas.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

The Apple Store in my city was looted and thieves took off with $100K worth of products.

Police make no arrests and say they were were able to recover both computers.

If APPLE ever designed a car...

...would it have WINDOWS?

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Today I used an apple pie to masturbate

Maybe I should've left the store before.

Apple software doesn't have bugs.

It has worms.

What do you say to someone too scared to plant apples ?

Grow a pear.

Why don't robots like apples?

They're androids.

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: "You must be single."

The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?"



Cashier: "Because you're ugly."

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A man walks into a bar and orders a Screwdriver, so the bartender hands him an apple

Confused, the man says "Bartender, I would like the drink." The bar tender shakes his head no and says "Just eat the apple."

The man takes a bite out of the apple and to his surprise he says "Wow, this tastes like vodka!" and the bartender says "Turn it around." So the man turns the apple aro...

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Apple does it again!

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The "iTit" will cost from £499 to £699, depending on cup size.. This is considered a major social breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their tits and not listening to them.

If an apple is the United State's favorite fruit, what is France's?

A Paris.

Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump...

But that’s comparing apples to oranges.

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Scientist walks into bar with an apple...

He sits down and the bartender says, "what's the apple for?" Scientist says "I made this apple taste like a screwdriver. Here, try it."
The bartender grabs it and takes a bite. "Woah! Tastes like vodka!"
"Turn it around," the scientist says. The bartender turns it around and takes another bite...

Apple really is the most futuristic company out there

They have already adjusted their prices for the next 50 years of inflation!

The mind that calls Covid-19 "the Chinese Virus" on live television is the same mind that called the CEO of Apple "Tim Apple" on live television.

The punchline: It's not racism, it's stupidity.

When Apple created the $700 wheels...

Did they expect profits to start rolling in?

Why should you not fart in an Apple Store?

Cos they don’t have windows.

What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Being young and naive falling for the one you believe to be your soulmate and spending so much time and effort to get in a relationship with them and when it finally happens you are happy but your partner isn’t, but they don’t actually show it, and it gets to the point where you are now married and ...

What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Finding half a worm in your apple

If Whole Foods sells sliced apples,

Is it false advertising?

A woman picking apples at a farm fell from a ladder, breaking her neck...

Fortunately, another farmhand saw her and quickly brought her in to where the horses were housed.

She's now in stable condition.

Small businesses: You have 30 apples. Someone asks you for 5 apples. How many apples do you have left?

Feds: 30

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A man walks into a bar and orders a Jack and Coke.

The bartender reaches behind the bar and grabs a dark red apple, and hands it to the customer.

Dumbfounded, he says “Hey man, what the hell is this? I asked for a Jack and coke!”

The bartender said “Just go a head and take a bite.”

So the man took a bite and his eyes widened “W...

Ya know how they say “an apple a day keeps the doctor away”

I’m more into pear-amedics

What kind of apple grows on a tree?

All of them...


I’m very bored.

What does space-time and apples have in common?

A wormhole.

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

I hate having to shave over my adam’s apple.

it’s a real pain in the neck

Why didn't the apple and orange get married?

Because fruit cantaloupe.

I want to buy Apple’s new monitor but I only have $4,000...

I can’t stand it!

A man walks into an Apple store

A man walks into an Apple store and begins to browse some of the items. He looks at phones, then the computers. He finally decides to go to the tablets. In this area, there were a lot more people than in other places.

Suddenly, he released a massive fart that everybody in a 30 ft radius heard...

Little Kevin had a habit of stealing apples from his neighbors farm

Annoyed by this the neighbor tried to catch little Kevin but constantly failed, so he hired a wise man to help him. The wise man simply painted a few words on a sign and left, the sign now said "one apple is poisoned". The next day the neighbor comes out to the wise mans house and asks for his money...

An apple a day, keeps the doctor away.

Every piece of fruit, keeps the doctor away. If you throw it hard enough.

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My 18 carat gold butt plug business was sued by Apple

Apparently they have a patent on expensive stuff for arseholes

Apple better watch its quarterly earnings, its latest iPhone has competition

It's called Charmin Ultra Soft

I love my new Apple Watch so much I only take it off when I shower

Which means I'm only able to charge it when I shower.

The battery has been dead for 3 weeks now.

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How do you like THEM apples

A guy sits down at the bar, and asks for a Rum & Coke

The bartender plops an apple in front of him.

"But I wanted a drink"

The bartender says "Just try it."

The guy bites into the apple, and says "Wow, this tastes just like rum!"

"Turn it around," says the bart...

What do you call someone who saw an Apple store being robbed?

An iWitness...

We all know where the Big Apple is...

But does anyone know where the Minneapolis

Adam & Eve were the first ones to

ignore the Apple terms and conditions.

What's it called when someone from Apple gets fired?

Apple turnover

Why is apple juice the preferred drink for women?

Because OJ will kill you

What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish?

A crab apple !

I've heard that an apple a day keeps the doctor away

so I bought my ex-girlfriend an iPod , she has a PhD.

I bought the president of Brazil an Apple TV for the holiday.

And all he got me was an Amazon fire.

What do you call a country made by Apple?

Siri Lanka

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Apple breast implants

Apple is working on smart breast implants, which can adapt their shape and texture to suit your lifestyle. The iTit can be used charge your mobile devices while browsing, as cupholders, and even as a self defence device. Future app updates will include anti jiggle functions, as well as an automated ...

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How do you hide an elephant in an apple tree?

Paint his balls red


How did Tarzan die?


Picking apples

Who are the fastest readers?

Apple users, they can read 30 pages of terms and conditions in just one second.

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with the wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very Truely Yours,
Acme Costume Co

The man thinks this is terrilbe because they have just emphasized his wooden leg an...

A guy asks his dad to buy him a new car

Guy: dad can you buy me a new car

Dad: sure, but first you have to do something for me...

Guy: what is it?

Dad: go to the backyard and write down the name of every tree we have and bring the list to me

The son goes to the backyard, and comes back an hour later with a list...

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Three men lost in the jungle were captured by cannibals

The cannibal king told the men they could live if they successfully undertook a trial. The first step of the trial was for each to go into the forest and collect ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So the three went their separate ways into the forest. Soon the first came back with ten apples. The...

Apple just finished designing a smart car.

They are having trouble installing Windows

What do you call an apple near your foot?

Fruit by the Foot

(Coworkers loved this joke. And none had heard it before, so im pretty sure its OC)

3 guys are on a plane

First guy throws out an apple and the other two ask him why he threw it out and he said to see where it would land.

Second guy throws out an orange and the other two ask him why he threw it out and he said to see where it would land.

Third guy throws out a grenade and the other two ask...

My dad tells the same terrible joke at the Apple farm.

It makes things very orchard.

Why did the worm leave the Apple?

Because Noah said to travel in pairs

My mate was whining about how hard it is to cultivate apples

So I told him to grow a pear.

Whenever my Muslim roommate goes to pray, I sit next to him with some apple pie and ice cream.

Then both of us are in A La mode.

What sort of machine is big as a house, consumes 20 gallons of fuel per hour, produces a whole lot of smoke and noise, can run for one hour for every ten hours of maintenance, and cuts apples into 3 pieces?

A soviet machine built to cut apples into 4 pieces.

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A man wakes up at 7 am

He finds out he has 7 dollars left on his bus pass. He takes bus 777 to work. At work, his boss moves him to office 7. His wife packed 7 apple slices for him. When he exits the building, he finds 7 dollars on the ground. "The gods must be trying to tell me something," he thinks. As he walks to the b...

I was excited to judge my first cooking competition

The local university was holding an iron chef style cooking competition where three students prepared a meal centering around a theme ingredient. The theme of the competition was turkey dinner, and before I knew it the kitchen was abuzz with the sounds and the smells of cooking.

After an hour...

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Two friends walk into a bar

The bartender greets them with a smile and a “What’ll it be boys?”
Friend one speaks up “You know what? I’m not sure. Got anything special?”

The bartender smiles and tosses him an apple.

“What the hell is this?” He cries.
“Just trust me,” says the bartender with a wink.

A...

If Apple was a pirate ship, what would their sailors wear?

An iPatch

If New York is the Big Apple, then what is the Small Apple?

Minneapolis.

Uff da!

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are in an art gallery

They are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden.

"Look at how reserved and calm they are," the Englishman says, "they would definitely be English."

"They are naked and beautiful, they would have to be French." The Frenchmen counters.

The Russian speaks up, "...

Three nuns die in a car crash, and get sent up to the pearly gates of heaven. The gatekeeper sees them, and decides to have a little fun in deciding whether they may enter heaven, by giving them questions about the Bible. He explains this, and the first nun steps up to answer her question.

Gatekeeper: What were the names of the first two humans on earth?

Nun 1: Ooh, that's an easy one. Adam and Eve, of course.

The gates opened and the first nun walked in.

Gatekeeper: Next question: What fruit did Adam and Eve eat?

Nun 2: Ooh, that's an easy one. An apple,...

Why are Americans so obsessed with Apple Products?

Because they can't afford health insurance in the US

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I was in the supermarket the other day and there was a girl in front of me at the checkout, she had one apple, one pear, one toothbrush, one cup o noodle, and one can of soup.

I leaned over and said, "You're single arent you.."

She says, "Yes, but how did you know?"

I said, "Because you're ugly as fuck!"

A farmer was picking apples when he heard a noise from his pond. He walks over and sees three young women skinny dipping.

They notice him and crouch in the water up to their shoulders. “Go away! Stop spying on us!” The farmer says “Sorry ladies, but I didn’t come out here to see you naked.” Holding up his apple bucket he says “I came to feed the alligator.”

how many apple employees does it take to replace your broken screen?

none. "you need to buy our new model which will cost you ONLY $999"

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