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Why do Chinese people love IPhones and Apple products?

Because the greatest gifts are the ones your children made.

(inspired by u/lorenzomofo 's comment on a
r/nextfuckinglevel post)

If you see a robbery in an Apple store,

Does that make you an iWitness?

We all know where the Big Apple is but does anyone know where the…

Minneapolis

If apple made a car would it have windows?

No, Microsoft wouldn’t allow it.

An Apple Store in Minneapolis reported losing $200,000 in inventory to riot-related theft.

'Thankfully the looters took nothing but two iPhones' the store's associate manager said.

If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?

Plastic explosives.

Why should you never fart in an apple store?

They don't have Windows!

If A is for Apple

and B is for bear

What is C for?



A nice explosive that goes BOOM!

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Every apple tree has instructions in its genetic code to make the base of the apple fruit

They're the *apple bottom genes*

I have more oranges than I have apples

And you thought that I can't compare apples and oranges...

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Steve Jobs named his company after the apple Adam and Eve ate from the tree of knowledge.

Bill Gates named his company after his penis.

What’s worse than seeing a worm after biting an apple

Seeing half a worm

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't ...

Girl: How do you know Apple is run by men? Because they call it the iPhone 6+ when it's only 5.5 inches long

Guy: Of course it's run by men, it's a trillion dollar company, not a kitchen

The Girl Below The Apple Tree

A girl wearing a skirt was reading her favourite book under an apple tree. A boy suddenly approached her and said "I would pay you $5 if you would help me climb the tree and pluck me an apple". The girl replied, "Sure! I'll help you." The boy then handed her the $5 after receiving the apple. Later t...

Me- Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?

Alexa- apple juice

What's yellow and hangs from an apple tree?

A stupid banana!

An apple a day keeps the doctor away...

... If you throw it hard enough

Bill created Microsoft and Steve created Apple

I must say by doing so, they opened a lot of Gates for Jobs.

Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump.

But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.

Apple just announced their next groundbreaking product

The iShovel

Apple have officially rebranded with the name APPLE

Due to their obsession with capitalising.

What did john snow go to the apple store for?

For the watch.

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

If an apple and an emo kid fall off a tree what hits the ground first?

The apple bc the rope caught the emo kid

Apples have been cultivated by taking off branches of one tree and splicing them into another trees.

Luckily, animal breeders took another approach.

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I once had sex in an apple orchard.

I came in cider.

What does the Apple Watch say?

"I'm pressed for time."

Why did the waitress say when Rick Astley asked to fast track his order of apple pie and vanilla ice cream?

I"m never gonna run around and dessert you.

Drink apple juice

OJ will kill you

Did you know Apple used to sell phone protection with the phone?

Well, not anymore but that used to be the case

Astronauts preparing for STS-134 lobbied NASA to include fresh apples on board the final flight of the shuttle, but were ultimately unsuccessful.

Needless to say, it was a fruitless Endeavour

An apple falls on Isaac Newton's head

He shakes his fist at the sky and says, "There should be a law!"

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

A slice of apple pie is 2.50$ in Jamaica and 3.00$ in the Bahamas

And these are just the PieRates of the Caribbean.

Two policemen are walking through a park and see how a young man is putting an apple core in a plastic bag.

Then he takes another apple, eats it and puts the core in the bag again.

So they approach him: "Excuse me, why do you return the apple cores back in the plastic bag when there's a garbage bin next to you?"

He says: "When I get home, I'll take the apple seeds out of them and eat them. I...

Apple has released a new device. It's a little camera that sticks to urinals.

It's called the iCUP.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

Unfortunately I've gone bananas, so now I see one everyday.

What do Apple and the NFL have in common?

The Chargers suck.

I have Apple appliances in every room of my home.

In addition everyone in my household owns an iPhone, iPad or both. We are pretty diligent about keeping all of the devices synchronized with each other. All, except for some reason, the kitchen.

I guess you could say, everything but the kitchen’s synch’d.

There was an article in the paper today about Apple and Reddit doing a collaboration.

iReddit

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. It was an apple but with extremely limited memory.

Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: "You must be single."

The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?"



Cashier: "Because you're ugly."

What kind of cookie does a crazy professor who only uses apple products prefer?

Macademia Nut

2 people are sitting on a bench and 1 is eating apple seeds.

2: Why are you eating those?
1: They make you smarter.
2: Can i buy a couple?
1: Yeah $2 a piece!
So 2 buys 5 seeds and eat them all.
2: Wait! This is a scam! For those $10 i could have bought some apples and i would have way more seeds!
1: Ah, i see they are beginning to work.

What do you say to someone too scared to plant apples ?

Grow a pear.

I walked up to a woman in a bar and said “hey, baby, if you were a fruit you’d be a fine-apple.”

She responded “and if you were a fruit, women would rejoice.”

I was cutting into an apple the other day and the knife broke as it reached the centre.

... that's pretty hard core.

If Timmy has 5 apples in his left hand and 6 in his Right, what would Timmy have?

Massive Hands

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Today I used an apple pie to masturbate

Maybe I should've left the store before.

What did the pastry say to the apples as they entered the oven?

Let's get ready to crumble!

The Apple Store in my city was looted and thieves took off with $100K worth of products.

Police make no arrests and say they were were able to recover both computers.

Apple came out with a new laxative.

They're calling it the iBM.

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Scientist walks into bar with an apple...

He sits down and the bartender says, "what's the apple for?" Scientist says "I made this apple taste like a screwdriver. Here, try it."
The bartender grabs it and takes a bite. "Woah! Tastes like vodka!"
"Turn it around," the scientist says. The bartender turns it around and takes another bite...

Why did the customer drink the apple juice?

Although she had ordered orange juice, she noticed that the restaurant was busy, and wasn't Karen about it.

Apple really is the most futuristic company out there

They have already adjusted their prices for the next 50 years of inflation!

What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Being young and naive falling for the one you believe to be your soulmate and spending so much time and effort to get in a relationship with them and when it finally happens you are happy but your partner isn’t, but they don’t actually show it, and it gets to the point where you are now married and ...

Apple software doesn't have bugs.

It has worms.

What did the chef say to her apprentice after he cut the apples perfectly?

Knife Job! :D

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A man walks into a bar and orders a Screwdriver, so the bartender hands him an apple

Confused, the man says "Bartender, I would like the drink." The bar tender shakes his head no and says "Just eat the apple."

The man takes a bite out of the apple and to his surprise he says "Wow, this tastes like vodka!" and the bartender says "Turn it around." So the man turns the apple aro...

What’s blue and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A really fast apple.

What do you do when an apple goes bad

You open a window

What’s the difference between an Apple user and an android user.

Say “nine hundred and eleven” to Siri for the punchline.

Why don't robots like apples?

They're androids.

The mind that calls Covid-19 "the Chinese Virus" on live television is the same mind that called the CEO of Apple "Tim Apple" on live television.

The punchline: It's not racism, it's stupidity.

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Apple does it again!

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The "iTit" will cost from £499 to £699, depending on cup size.. This is considered a major social breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their tits and not listening to them.

I want to buy Apple’s new monitor but I only have $4,000...

I can’t stand it!

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My 18 carat gold butt plug business was sued by Apple

Apparently they have a patent on expensive stuff for arseholes

I once farted in an apple store.

They got real mad but it wasn't my fault they didn't have any windows.

When I was born, my mother called me the apple of her eye.

Looks like daddy was a doctor

When Apple created the $700 wheels...

Did they expect profits to start rolling in?

My 2 year old just told me his first joke

My 2 year old is eating an apple and asked me: what does the apple say?

Me: I don't know

2 year old: yummy!

I don't know if this is the right place for it but the pride on his face for making me laugh was the best part of my day!

If Whole Foods sells sliced apples,

Is it false advertising?

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Little Johnny has the foulest mouth in his first grade class

All the teachers at the school know this. One day, a teacher starts teaching her class the alphabet.

She says, "Class, who can give me a word that starts with the letter A?"

Little Johnny raises his hand, but the teacher knows Johnny is going to use a swear word, so she picks someone e...

If an apple is the United State's favorite fruit, what is France's?

A Paris.

An English man, Scottish man and Irish man go to the moon...

Once they get there the English man finds an apple, and the other two bet that he cannot throw it back to earth, he tries and completes his dare. When he gets back to earth he sees a little boy sitting on the side of the road crying. “Why are you crying little boy” asks the English man. “An apple ju...

A woman picking apples at a farm fell from a ladder, breaking her neck...

Fortunately, another farmhand saw her and quickly brought her in to where the horses were housed.

She's now in stable condition.

Why didn't the apple and orange get married?

Because fruit cantaloupe.

What kind of apple grows on a tree?

All of them...


I’m very bored.

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

I hear Apple is designing a new car

but they are having trouble installing the windows

What does space-time and apples have in common?

A wormhole.

A man walks into an Apple store

A man walks into an Apple store and begins to browse some of the items. He looks at phones, then the computers. He finally decides to go to the tablets. In this area, there were a lot more people than in other places.

Suddenly, he released a massive fart that everybody in a 30 ft radius heard...

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How do you like THEM apples

A guy sits down at the bar, and asks for a Rum & Coke

The bartender plops an apple in front of him.

"But I wanted a drink"

The bartender says "Just try it."

The guy bites into the apple, and says "Wow, this tastes just like rum!"

"Turn it around," says the bart...

I bought the president of Brazil an Apple TV for the holiday.

And all he got me was an Amazon fire.

If Apple made houses would it have Windows?

Just something to ponder considering they are Rivals or would Apple come up with a new name for Windows

We all know where the Big Apple is...

But does anyone know where the Minneapolis

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A man walks into a bar and asks for a rum and coke

The bartender says “sure thing” and reaches below the bar. He puts an apple down in front of the guy and says nothing. The man says “sorry but I ordered a rum and coke.” The bartender says, “just take a bite.” So the man takes a bite and is surprised. “This tastes like rum.” He says. The bartender n...

Apple better watch its quarterly earnings, its latest iPhone has competition

It's called Charmin Ultra Soft

Little Kevin had a habit of stealing apples from his neighbors farm

Annoyed by this the neighbor tried to catch little Kevin but constantly failed, so he hired a wise man to help him. The wise man simply painted a few words on a sign and left, the sign now said "one apple is poisoned". The next day the neighbor comes out to the wise mans house and asks for his money...

Why did the jelly roll?

Because it saw the apple turnover!

I love my new Apple Watch so much I only take it off when I shower

Which means I'm only able to charge it when I shower.

The battery has been dead for 3 weeks now.

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A man walks into a bar and orders a Jack and Coke.

The bartender reaches behind the bar and grabs a dark red apple, and hands it to the customer.

Dumbfounded, he says “Hey man, what the hell is this? I asked for a Jack and coke!”

The bartender said “Just go a head and take a bite.”

So the man took a bite and his eyes widened “W...

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They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away,

but I can't afford to keep buying the bastard iPhones.

Microsoft is so stupid...

They are willing to pay $1B for tik tok, I got it for free from apple store.

What do you call someone who saw an Apple store being robbed?

An iWitness...

HOW i got rich

One rich man is asked how he got rich. He answers: I bought one unwashed apple in the market for a dollar, washed it and sold it for 2, then bought 2 unwashed apples, washed it and sold it for 4. -And so gradually you got rich? - No, after 2 years, my grandmother died and left me a legacy of 4 billi...

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Grandma joke

3 teenagers are walking in their neighbourhood, when they come across a house with an red apple tree in the garden.

The 3 go over the fence and steal some apples to eat.

While they are eating the apples, the grandma sees them and shouts:“Hey don’t steal my apples you little shits”
<...

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Apple breast implants

Apple is working on smart breast implants, which can adapt their shape and texture to suit your lifestyle. The iTit can be used charge your mobile devices while browsing, as cupholders, and even as a self defence device. Future app updates will include anti jiggle functions, as well as an automated ...

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