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A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The cashier says: “you must be single”

The man replied: “Wow how did you know that ?”

Cashier: “ Because you’re fucking ugly”

I just watched an Apple store get robbed...

The police have called me as a iWitness

If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?

Plastic explosives.

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

This joke.

A man sees a boy at the park eating an apple and seperating all of the apple seeds into a pile of individual seeds. The curious man walks up to the boy and asks..

Man: hi there, why are you seperating all of the apple seeds?

Boy:it's been proven that apple seeds will make you incredibly smarter, so I intend to sell these.

Man: how much?

Boy: $100 per seed

Man: fine, i'll take three

The man pays the boy, eats the seeds and st...

Whenever my Muslim roommate goes to pray, I sit next to him with some apple pie and ice cream.

Then both of us are in A La mode.

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

I would make a joke about Apple...

but the punchline is sold separately

Navy Seal and an Apple Watch

A Navy Seal walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his new Apple watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "just got this state-of-the-art ...

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What's the difference between a apple and a Orphan?

An apple gets picked

(Fuck off chace)

If a man has got 6 apples in one hand and 8 bananas in the other... what has he got?

...Massive hands

Don't fart inside an apple store.

Because they don't have windows.

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Why do Chinese people love IPhones and Apple products?

Because the greatest gifts are the ones your children made.

(inspired by u/lorenzomofo 's comment on a
r/nextfuckinglevel post)

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't ...

If apple were to make a car...

Would it still have windows?

You can call me Apple.

Because I'm always in cider.

My wife calls me "her apple."

I agreed, and I replied that I am her apple indeed, because I would very much like to be in cider

A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3 in the Bahamas

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

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Ripe apples

American guy had a huge appletree. All appels are ripe but there are too many, so he calls his neighbour, mexican guy, for help.

"My mexican friend come help me to harvest my apples. You climb up the tree and shake those apples off. Me and my wife will pick them up"

Mexican climbs up...

Apple wanted to launch a new product directed at children.

In retrospect, it was probably not the best idea to call it "iTouch Kids".

If Whole Foods sells sliced apples,

Is it false advertising?

We all know where the Big Apple is but does anyone know where the…

Minneapolis

If you see a robbery in an Apple store,

Does that make you an iWitness?

Apple is announcing a new cell phone for children.

iKid you not.

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The Apple iBoob

Apple announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants. The iBoob will cost between $499 and $699, depending on the speaker size, this is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men s...

What’s worse than finding a worm in your Apple?

Being mercilessly beaten over the head by a large mob.

I recently got caught up in a heist at an Apple Store.

I guess you can call me an iWitness

What happened to the two apple trees that were planted together?

They lived appley ever after.

An Apple Store in Minneapolis reported losing $200,000 in inventory to riot-related theft.

'Thankfully the looters took nothing but two iPhones' the store's associate manager said.

What's the theme song of an Apple Store?

Return Of The Mac

I farted in an Apple store and it smelled so bad they kicked me out.

It’s not my fault, they didn’t have Windows

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many woul...

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Apples that taste like anything

A man walks in a bar and asks for a gin and tonic, the bartender then hands him a apple and says “trust me it will taste like a gin a tonic” so the man takes a bite of it and says “oh it takes like gin” then turns it around and says “oh it takes like tonic” another man walks in and asked what’s up w...

What’s the difference between apple’s and orphans?

Apples actually get picked

I farted inside of the Apple Store

Everyone had to evacuate the building cuz there were no windows

What do an apple and an unpaid bill have in common?

Both keep the doctor away

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I finally got an Apple Watch fitness tracker...

...I masturbated for a mile and a half last night!

Where does Apple shop for all of its lovely furnishings?

iKEA

Question: “How many Apple employees does it take to change a light bulb?”

Answer: “Seven. One to change the bulb and six to design the T-shirt.”

If A is for Apple

and B is for bear

What is C for?



A nice explosive that goes BOOM!

Where do the most apples grow?

The *Appala*chian Mountains!


Hope you like this cheesy joke.


\-HapiSpiritUnity

Apple just announced three new products: a competitor to Fleshlight, a brand of eyeglasses, and a real-time strategy game.

iCame, iSaw, iConquered

I went to an apple orchard today. I had a lot of fun but I kind of embarrassed myself in front of the attractive tour guide.

Yeah, I slipped in cider.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are in an art gallery

They are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden.

"Look at how reserved and calm they are," the Englishman says, "they would definitely be English."

"They are naked and beautiful, they would have to be French." The Frenchmen counters.

The Russian speaks up, "...

Bill created Microsoft and Steve created Apple

I must say by doing so, they opened a lot of Gates for Jobs.

Me- Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?

Alexa- apple juice

Apple, banana and pineapple once had a conversation

Pineapple : I'm so sad, humans pluck my hair before
eating me.
Apple : humans cut me into several pieces.
before they eat me.
Banana : atleast they don't eat you after stripping you
naked.

(Ignore the grammat...

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

I have more oranges than I have apples

And you thought that I can't compare apples and oranges...

An apple a day keeps the doctor away...

... If you throw it hard enough

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Steve Jobs named his company after the apple Adam and Eve ate from the tree of knowledge.

Bill Gates named his company after his penis.

I was having trouble with my laptop, so I called Apple support.

They asked, 'Have you tried disabling cookies?'

I said, 'Well, I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man.'

Do you know why you should drink apple juice for breakfast?

Oj will kill you.

Is it true an apple a day, keeps the doctor away? Or is it just an old granny's myth.

I'm here all week..

Girl: How do you know Apple is run by men? Because they call it the iPhone 6+ when it's only 5.5 inches long

Guy: Of course it's run by men, it's a trillion dollar company, not a kitchen

What's yellow and hangs from an apple tree?

A stupid banana!

The Girl Below The Apple Tree

A girl wearing a skirt was reading her favourite book under an apple tree. A boy suddenly approached her and said "I would pay you $5 if you would help me climb the tree and pluck me an apple". The girl replied, "Sure! I'll help you." The boy then handed her the $5 after receiving the apple. Later t...

Apple really is the most futuristic company out there

They have already adjusted their prices for the next 50 years of inflation!

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

Apple just announced their next groundbreaking product

The iShovel

If an apple and an emo kid fall off a tree what hits the ground first?

The apple bc the rope caught the emo kid

A Brit, A Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the garden of Eden

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit."They must be British"

They pondered this possibility but the Frenchman and the Russians soon shake their heads in disagreement.

"Nonsense," says the Frenchman. "They're naked and so beautiful, clearly they are French". The Brit and ...

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam & Eve.

It was an apple with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte & then everything crashed.

What did john snow go to the apple store for?

For the watch.

Apple have officially rebranded with the name APPLE

Due to their obsession with capitalising.

Apples have been cultivated by taking off branches of one tree and splicing them into another trees.

Luckily, animal breeders took another approach.

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I once had sex in an apple orchard.

I came in cider.

An apple falls on Isaac Newton's head

He shakes his fist at the sky and says, "There should be a law!"

I have Apple appliances in every room of my home.

In addition everyone in my household owns an iPhone, iPad or both. We are pretty diligent about keeping all of the devices synchronized with each other. All, except for some reason, the kitchen.

I guess you could say, everything but the kitchen’s synch’d.

Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump.

But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.

What do Apple and the NFL have in common?

The Chargers suck.

Two policemen are walking through a park and see how a young man is putting an apple core in a plastic bag.

Then he takes another apple, eats it and puts the core in the bag again.

So they approach him: "Excuse me, why do you return the apple cores back in the plastic bag when there's a garbage bin next to you?"

He says: "When I get home, I'll take the apple seeds out of them and eat them. I...

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

Unfortunately I've gone bananas, so now I see one everyday.

Why did the waitress say when Rick Astley asked to fast track his order of apple pie and vanilla ice cream?

I"m never gonna run around and dessert you.

Did you know Apple used to sell phone protection with the phone?

Well, not anymore but that used to be the case

Apple has released a new device. It's a little camera that sticks to urinals.

It's called the iCUP.

Astronauts preparing for STS-134 lobbied NASA to include fresh apples on board the final flight of the shuttle, but were ultimately unsuccessful.

Needless to say, it was a fruitless Endeavour

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Scientist walks into bar with an apple...

He sits down and the bartender says, "what's the apple for?" Scientist says "I made this apple taste like a screwdriver. Here, try it."
The bartender grabs it and takes a bite. "Woah! Tastes like vodka!"
"Turn it around," the scientist says. The bartender turns it around and takes another bite...

What’s Another Name For iPhone Chargers?

Apple Juice

I want to buy Apple’s new monitor but I only have $4,000...

I can’t stand it!

What do you say to someone too scared to plant apples ?

Grow a pear.

I walked up to a woman in a bar and said “hey, baby, if you were a fruit you’d be a fine-apple.”

She responded “and if you were a fruit, women would rejoice.”

There was an article in the paper today about Apple and Reddit doing a collaboration.

iReddit

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My 18 carat gold butt plug business was sued by Apple

Apparently they have a patent on expensive stuff for arseholes

I was cutting into an apple the other day and the knife broke as it reached the centre.

... that's pretty hard core.

An old millionaire is asked how he gained his wealth...

He says: "When I was a young man in the middle of the Great Depression, all I had was five cents. With that five cents, I bought an apple, shined and scrubbed it all day, and at the end of the day, I sold it for ten cents. With the ten cents, I bought two apples, scrubbed and shined them all day, an...

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Today I used an apple pie to masturbate

Maybe I should've left the store before.

2 people are sitting on a bench and 1 is eating apple seeds.

2: Why are you eating those?
1: They make you smarter.
2: Can i buy a couple?
1: Yeah $2 a piece!
So 2 buys 5 seeds and eat them all.
2: Wait! This is a scam! For those $10 i could have bought some apples and i would have way more seeds!
1: Ah, i see they are beginning to work.

What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Being young and naive falling for the one you believe to be your soulmate and spending so much time and effort to get in a relationship with them and when it finally happens you are happy but your partner isn’t, but they don’t actually show it, and it gets to the point where you are now married and ...

Apple software doesn't have bugs.

It has worms.

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A man walks into a bar and orders a Screwdriver, so the bartender hands him an apple

Confused, the man says "Bartender, I would like the drink." The bar tender shakes his head no and says "Just eat the apple."

The man takes a bite out of the apple and to his surprise he says "Wow, this tastes like vodka!" and the bartender says "Turn it around." So the man turns the apple aro...

What kind of cookie does a crazy professor who only uses apple products prefer?

Macademia Nut

The Apple Store in my city was looted and thieves took off with $100K worth of products.

Police make no arrests and say they were were able to recover both computers.

A Russian joke from HBO’s Chernobyl

What do you call something as big as a house, uses tons of gas, and cuts apples into 3 pieces?



A Soviet machine made to cut apples into 4 pieces.

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A man walks into a bar

He asks the bartender for a Jack and coke. The bartender says “I’ve got you” and hands him an apple.
“Youve got to be joking” said the man
“Just do it. Trust me” said the bartender

The man shrugged. What could be the harm in eating an apple anyway? He took a satisfying crunch from the...

The mind that calls Covid-19 "the Chinese Virus" on live television is the same mind that called the CEO of Apple "Tim Apple" on live television.

The punchline: It's not racism, it's stupidity.

A man dies and goes to heaven

Because he always helped everyone St.Peter says he could have his afterlife wherever he wants.
First they go to the place where the people are who had been neither bad nor good. They watch movies and eat sweets.
After that they go to hell. Here the people are having a lot of fun. Famous musici...

Apple came out with a new laxative.

They're calling it the iBM.

What did the chef say to her apprentice after he cut the apples perfectly?

Knife Job! :D

What’s red, green, and smells?

An apple, a frog, and your nose.

It’s my cake day. Had to post something.

Why did the customer drink the apple juice?

Although she had ordered orange juice, she noticed that the restaurant was busy, and wasn't Karen about it.

What do you do when an apple goes bad

You open a window

Food for Thought:

Apple Pie is 3.14 times better than apples by themselves.

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Christian vs Jewish

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with a leader of the Jewish community. If the Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews would be perm...

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