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Apple Jokes

China has now banned any military personnel to use apple watches due to security reasons.

One soldier says with tears in his eyes “but but my daughter made it for me”.

How many Apple engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They no longer make that socket, you just buy a new house.

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The cashier says, "You must be single." The man answered, “Wow, how did you know that?”

The cashier replied, “Because you’re ugly.”

What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Finding half of a worm

Elon Musk has come up with a fool proof plan of destroying Apple because they refuse to advertise on Twitter.

He plans to buy it.

If Apple and Kia were to make a car together, what would it’s name be?

IKEA

An apple and a poo were floating down the river.

The poo yells: "Apple, apple, come play with me." The apple says: "No! Ew! Stay away from me!"

A little further down the river the poo yells again, "Apple, apple, come play with me." The apple disgustingly replies, "No! Ew! Stay away from me!"

Suddenly a man grabs the apple out the riv...

“Waiter, waiter, why is my apple pie all mashed up?!”

“Sir, you did ask me to step on it.”

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

Apple had to stop spying on its competitors...

...they had a lack of Intel.

What do you call it when apples have a heart-to-heart talk?

Core-spondence

Why did the apple break up with the orange?

Because the banana was more appealing.

If you see a crime at an Apple Store…

Does that make you an iWitness?

An Apple Factory in China is expected to cut production of iPhones by 18% in response to ongoing worker protests.

The workers' main demand is "more playtime".

An Apple fan walks into a bar....

Orders the same drink as yesterday, but pays more.

Contrary to popular belief, it wasn’t the apple on the tree that got us banished from Paradise.

It was the pair on the ground!

What's the product name if Apple started making drones?

iSoar

(inspired by ImpulseSV)

The worst part about an apple addiction…

Is that you can’t go and see a doctor about it

I asked my Apple Watch "what's the time?"

It said "an 80s funk band."

Apple is launching a new car, but it's still taking time.

They have yet to install the Windows.

What’s the difference between Apples and orphans

Apples get picked

We all know where the Big Apple is but does anyone know where the…

Minneapolis

A man was idling in the street, bored, when he saw a man selling apples close by

He approached the man, and asked, "How much do these apples cost?". The vendor replied, "An apple costs $1 and an apple seed costs $2.". Confused, the man asked, "Why are you selling the seeds? and why are they so expensive?". The vendor said, "Apple seeds are actually known to make you so much time...

Two little boys stole a load of apples from a neighbours apple tree.

They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.
One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.
As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, they dropped two apples, but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough.
A few minutes later, a drunk, on his way fro...

Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

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I'm being sued by Apple for trying to sell solid gold butt plugs.

Apparently only they can patent expensive stuff for assholes.

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Apples

A guy is driving down a winding country road when he see's a sign.

The Sign says "Apples $10/Each"

The guy thinks "Wow, that's expensive, let me see why they cost $10"

He drives into the stand and asks the Farmer "Why are your Apples $10?"

The Farmer says "Well, my Apple...

Who ate an apple the night of the 24th?

Christmas Eve.

Did you hear that Apple is developing a robotic service dog?

It’s called the iChihuahua.

You are always stranded if the tire bursts in your Apple car

Because it has no jack.

A woman has two admirers.

One of them is a doctor, and the other is a deaf guy.
Every day, the doctor gives the woman a rose.
And every day, the deaf guy gives her an apple.
One day, the woman says to the the deaf guy: "Hey, that doctor gives me a rose every day, and I get the symbolism of that. But why do you give...

If A is for Apples, and B is for Banana, then what is C for?

Plastic explosives.

A policeman is driving past a roadside apple stand when he notices the sign: "Apple seeds, guaranteed to make you smarter, $20 per seed."

He pulls over and informs the vendor that it is fraud and false advertising to make absurd claims like this.

"No, no, no," the vendor tells the cop, "my apples are a special variety. A scientific miracle. Buy just one seed, eat it, and you will notice an increase in intelligence. If not, I pr...

My Grandma always used to say, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. "

I don't know if that's true, or just one of Granny's myths.

What do you call a person who saw an apple store getting robed?

An iWitness.

Apple have come up with a new revolutionary eye patch for pirates.

It's called the iEye patch.

(I'm sorry)

Three men are challenging each other's aim by shooting an apple on someone's head.

The first man fired his pistol 20 meters away, hits the apple.

"I'm James Bond." He said.

The second man shot an arrow 30 meters away, hits the apple.

"I'm Robin Hood." He said.

The third threw a boomerang 40 meters away, hits the forehead of that person.

"I'm sorr...

An apple a day keeps the doctor away . . .

. . . Especially if you throw it at him

Sir Isaac Newton was sitting under an apple tree pondering as to why things always fell to the ground…

And then it hit him.

What’s the difference between an apple and an orphan?

The apple always gets picked

They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away…

I grew a whole damn orchard and still can’t get rid of these medical bills

Two men are in love with a woman

One of the men is a doctor, and the other a deaf man

Every day, the doctor brings the woman a flower as a sign of his affection.

Every day, the deaf man brings the woman an apple.

She asks him, “Why do you bring me an apple? A flower I understand, but what is the purpose of th...

Apple pie and coffee

An immigrant family in the 1890s saved up some money and sent their oldest son to America to work. A year later, he saved up enough to get his brother to America and the two of them worked construction to save up and buy tickets for the rest of the family.


The older brother knew a lot mo...

pie

In Jamaica you can buy a steak and kidney pie for $1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for $1.60 and an apple pie for $2.15.



In St Kitts and Nevis, a steak and kidney pie will cost you $2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is $1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for $1.95.



...

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My patent for a gold-plated butt plug got rejected

Apparently Apple has cornered the market on expensive toys for assholes.

Ok guys, so l know where the Big Apple is. But can any of you tell me, I need to know where the

Minneapolis

There's iPod, iMac, iPhone...

and Apple watch, because iWatch sounds way too creepy.

What do Apple and EA have in common?

Unlock the punchline now for just $99

Little bit of dark humor for you guys. _/(^_^)\_ What's the difference between apples and orphans?

There's actually 2 answers to this one.

1. Apples get picked.
2. Family tree.

A guy was driving down the road when he saw a farmer lifting a pig up to a tree to eat apples

Confused, and curious, the guy pulls over to watch as the farmer picked up pig after pig and held them up to the tree to eat an apple.

The man finally decided to speak up and asked the farmer “wouldn’t it save a lot of time if you shook the tree so the apples fell on the ground and the pigs j...

The Californian government was raising funds to build a new highway. The biggest donors were Apple corp, and a Chinese artist.

Ended up being called the i-Ai Weiwei Way.

Why do Adam and Eve use Android?

Because Eve violated the apple terms and conditions.

Apple is introducing robot dogs to the market soon. They're testing one in Mexico right now.

It's called the iChihuahua.

Knowledge is knowing that pineapples are not a type of apple

Wisdom is knowing not to put them on pizza.

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A king declares that all Jewish people must leave the kingdom, unless one can beat his priest in a contest.

The rules are simple: without saying a single word, the contestants must argue their faith until one concedes. Among the Jewish citizens, only one old man steps forward to compete.

The priest and the old man take the stage before a crowd, and the contest begins.

The priest raises his ...

The other day, I ran out of apple juice

But I had a big box full of apples at home, so I thought I would try to make some myself.

I stared at that box for over an hour and nothing happened. Then I looked at the empty juice bottle again, and on the label it said "not from concentrate."

Boy did I feel foolish

Apple really is the most futuristic company out there

They have already adjusted their prices for the next 50 years of inflation!

Why should you not fart in an apple store?

Cause they dont have windows.

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't ...

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[Long] So a man walks into a bar ...

So a man walks into a bar and asks the bartender - "What sort of specials do you have today?" - "Well, Sir, today I have an apple for every flavor." Interested, the man asks "Do you have one that tastes like Jack and Coke?" - "Of course!" Chimes the bartender, handing the man an apple. The man takes...

One morning the Viceroy of India went to visit his old army pal Major Barrington, who owned an orchard.

Walking through the orchard, the Viceroy marveled at all the different varieties of fruit: oranges, apples, bananas, pineapples, mangoes, guavas. "Why, you must have twenty different types of apples I've never heard of!" he remarked.

"Oh, that's nothing," replied the Major. "I'll bet you ther...

The old man's pool

An elderly man had owned his large farm in Louisiana for many years.

Right at the back of the farm, there was a large pond that was ideal for swimming. The old farmer had fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the farmer d...

Why do teachers keep an apple on their desk?

Because they are poor and hungry.

Here is an Apple joke…

Punchline sold separately.

If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?

**Big hands.**

Why did Steve Jobs name his company “Apple?”

Because he wanted his products to be beautiful and tantalizing, just like an apple.

Today, it’s widely recognized that Apple’s products are indeed both beautiful and tantalizing. You could say his company is appley named.

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What's worse than biting into an apple and discovering a worm?

Having high voltage electrodes attached to your testicles and being flogged senseless with a knotted rope.

Why did the apple pie go to the dentist?

Because it needed a filling!

What's it called when someone from Apple gets fired?

Apple turnover

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An old man is walking down the street with a bag slung over his shoulder...

A young man is walking down the street in the opposite direction. As they are about to pass, the curious youngster asks, “Hey old man, what’s in the bag?”. The old man replies, “In this bag young sir are magic apples!”. The young fella replies, “Bullshit!”. The old man takes the bag off of his shoul...

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian...

...are in The Louvre, looking at a painting of Adam and Eve.

"Behold!" says the Englishman. "Their resolve in adversity. Their stoicism. They must be English!".

"Nonsense!" cries the Frenchman. "Look at them. They are elegant. They are poised. They are beautiful. Surely they must b...

What happens when an apple and a pear are hybridized?

It makes a new fruit appear

Apples are a lot like oranges

They're both fruit, they both grow on trees and you can't compare them to each other.

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community..

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

An apple pie in Jamaica cost $2 and in Barbados its $1.90

Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean

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Apple announced its plans for a iPhone buttplug

It will be the world's first smart ass phone

I wish orange was a common color option for android phones

Would make it easier to compare them to Apples.

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"I went to the annual Dickens Fair, and now my wife wants a divorce."

A man trudges into a bar and slumps down on a stool.

"Hey, buddy," the bartender says, "you look pretty down. What's eating you?"

The man sighs and shrugs. "I went to the annual Dickens Fair, and now my wife wants a divorce."

"Isn't that just a bunch of Victorian costumes, usele...

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Just a friendly reminder to show respect to Ramadan

Yes, yes. I know we all like to have a good laugh about certain things. But Ramadan is a very important and sacred time for Muslims. And as a non-Muslim, I have since learned that we need treat it with some respect.

See, my next door neighbour is a Muslim. Ever since the start of Ramadan, I h...

What do you call two apples next to each other?

A pear.

Did you hear that Apple is building a car?

Apple is designing an automatic car but they're having trouble installing windows...

If you see a robbery in an Apple store,

Does that make you an iWitness?

Why is it so difficult to work at an apple pie factory?

Because they have such a high turnover rate!

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly, the woman gathers courage to go ask him out. She walks over, takes a seat next to him, turns and says...

"Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure...but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were...

I want to buy Apple’s new monitor but I only have $4,000...

I can’t stand it!

Apple is releasing a new product called the iKnife.

It's cutting edge technology.

What weighs 10 tons, consumes 20 liters of diesel per hour and splits apples into three parts?

A Soviet apple quartering machine.

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Why do Chinese people love IPhones and Apple products?

Because the greatest gifts are the ones your children made.

(inspired by u/lorenzomofo 's comment on a
r/nextfuckinglevel post)

In math class the students are learning about fractions.



The teacher asks Lindsey, "What would your mother do if she had 7 kids, but only 4 apples?" Lindsey says, "She'd make applesauce!"



And yes, this joke is from the days before tape diagrams...

What do you call an Apple employee who got laid off?

Steve Jobless!

Did you hear about the guy who refused to stop pretending to be an apple crumble?

He got taken into custardy.

A teacher asks a “dumb” student a question…

“If I give you 5 apples and take 3, what will you have?” “Trust issues”

Why don’t robots like Apples?

Because They’re androids!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tomato an orange and an apple seed walk into a bar…

The tomato says, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary.”

The orange says, “I’ll have a screwdriver.”

The apple seed says, “oh shit, I didn’t know we were supposed to bring our own juice.”

If you invested early into Tesla stocks, you would be a millionaire. If you invested early into Apple, you would be a billionaire. If you invested £10 in 1890,

You would be dead.

Why did Jon Snow go to the Apple store?

For the watch

Clueless Neighbor

My neighbor is a nice guy but he can be a little clueless. His wife spends every weekend out with her coworkers but he doesn't mind because he loves to work in their garden. One day when I was mowing the backyard I saw that he was pruning his prize roses when he started using colorful language and h...

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An apple a day keeps a doctor away!

I'm buying one apple every day to keep myself healthy

Punchlines:
1) Probably should be eating them, not just buying.

/

2) At the end of the week I'm throwing out apple puree.

/

3) So far I have 148 apples at my house, any ideas what to do next?

/

...

What is a doctor who specializes in Adam's apples called.

A guyneckologist.

My friend told me his apples were yellow

And I was all like, nah that’s bananas

My 8 year old son wants to be a comedian.

He also like quantum physics, so I suggested he make up some jokes. Here's the first two.

What so you call a particle who likes taking pictures?
A photongrapher

Why did the apple fall out of the tree?
It ran out of gluons.

If you have any Similar he'd love to hear them and...

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Sal the boxing promoter gets a call Saturday morning of fight night

“Hey boss, it’s Joe at the gym. Big Frank’s had an accident and broke his thumb. He can’t fight for a month”
Sal goes into a melt down. Big Frank was his heavyweight prospect and the headline of that nights card in the Big Apple. Faced with refunding the tickets he gets on the phone to all the ot...

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