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Apple Jokes

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

Apple really is the most futuristic company out there

They have already adjusted their prices for the next 50 years of inflation!

Apple have come up with a new revolutionary eye patch for pirates.

It's called the iEye patch.

(I'm sorry)

Not NSFW: How many Apple engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They no longer make that socket, you just buy a new house.

A policeman is driving past a roadside apple stand when he notices the sign: "Apple seeds, guaranteed to make you smarter, $20 per seed."

He pulls over and informs the vendor that it is fraud and false advertising to make absurd claims like this.

"No, no, no," the vendor tells the cop, "my apples are a special variety. A scientific miracle. Buy just one seed, eat it, and you will notice an increase in intelligence. If not, I pr...

If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?

Plastic explosives.

What do you call a person who saw an apple store getting robed?

An iWitness.

China has now banned any military personnel to use apple watches due to security reasons.

One soldier says with tears in his eyes “but but my daughter made it for me”.

I want to buy Apple’s new monitor but I only have $4,000...

I can’t stand it!

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I once farted in the Apple Store and everybody got pissed

It's not my fault they don't have Windows

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't ...

An Apple fan walks into a bar....

Orders the same drink as yesterday, but pays more.

What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Finding half of a worm

How does an Apple Watch owner know that it's midday?

It's already run out of battery.

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My 18 carat gold butt plug business was sued by Apple

Apparently they have a patent on expensive stuff for arseholes

If you watch an Apple store get robbed,

Does that make you an iWitness?

Why did Jon Snow stand in line for 6 hours at the Apple Store?

For the watch

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Why do Chinese people love IPhones and Apple products?

Because the greatest gifts are the ones your children made.

(inspired by u/lorenzomofo 's comment on a
r/nextfuckinglevel post)

If you see a robbery in an Apple store,

Does that make you an iWitness?

A man was idling in the street, bored, when he saw a man selling apples close by

He approached the man, and asked, "How much do these apples cost?". The vendor replied, "An apple costs $1 and an apple seed costs $2.". Confused, the man asked, "Why are you selling the seeds? and why are they so expensive?". The vendor said, "Apple seeds are actually known to make you so much time...

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The CEO of Apple came out gay...

Now we know why the iPhone 6 can't stay straight

What's the worst part of an apple addiction?

You can't see a doctor about it.

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Apples

A guy is driving down a winding country road when he see's a sign.

The Sign says "Apples $10/Each"

The guy thinks "Wow, that's expensive, let me see why they cost $10"

He drives into the stand and asks the Farmer "Why are your Apples $10?"

The Farmer says "Well, my Apple...

Apple/orchard jokes needed!

I work at an apple orchard as an orchardist. I also tent to narrate the hay rides a lot. I've tried to Google apple jokes but could only find two decent ones.

What is darth vaders favorite apple? Empire apples

Why did the chicken cross the orchard? To get to the other cider

Tho...

An apple and a poo were floating down the river.

The poo yells: "Apple, apple, come play with me." The apple says: "No! Ew! Stay away from me!"

A little further down the river the poo yells again, "Apple, apple, come play with me." The apple disgustingly replies, "No! Ew! Stay away from me!"

Suddenly a man grabs the apple out the riv...

Did you hear about Apple's new VR headset?

They're called the iGlasses

What does the apple user do when he wants to customize his device?

He adjusts the volume.

What’s the difference between Apples and orphans

Apples get picked

A man using Apple maps walks into a bar

Or a pharmacy, or maybe a shoe store.

What do Apple and the NFL have in common?

The Chargers suck.

A friend told me that all apples were yellow...

I was like, "that's bananas"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apple announced a breast implant that plays music...

The iTit is considered a major social break through since women have always complained that men stare at their breasts but never listen to them.

Two little boys stole a load of apples from a neighbours apple tree.

They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.
One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.
As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, they dropped two apples, but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough.
A few minutes later, a drunk, on his way fro...

We all know where the Big Apple is but does anyone know where the…

Minneapolis

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: "You must be single."

The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?"

Cashier: "Because you're ugly."

Elon Musk has come up with a fool proof plan of destroying Apple because they refuse to advertise on Twitter.

He plans to buy it.

Sir Isaac Newton was completely WRONG about apples

They don't fall to the ground because of gravity.

It's natural selection.

Trees that produce apples that fall upwards don't have offspring

A slice of Apple Pie is $2.50 in Jamaica, $2.75 in Aruba and $3.00 in the Bahamas

Those are the the pie rates of the Caribbean

If farmer A sells apples, farmer B sells bananas, what does farmer C sell?

Medicine

If apple released iphone 8 and 10 this year

Would it release nine eleven next year

Edit : my first 24 hours top 10 thanks all

What's worst than to find a worm in the apple you are eating?

Find half a worm.

How do you confuse an Apple user?

Give them options.

An Apple store near where I live got robbed

$25k worth of merchandise was stolen. The police said that they will get both computers back.

You know Apple is run by men...

when they call it an iPhone 6+ and it’s only 5.5 inches.

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Apple woke up their lead designer in the middle of the night

To ask him about ideas for the new iPhone.
The disgruntled designer told them "Jack off".
The marketing department found the idea fantastic.

An apple a day...

keeps everyone away if you throw it hard enough.

(note: my wife posted this on Facebook, and they restricted her access to Facebook because of it)

Did you hear apple is making an electric car?

Only problem is you have to buy an adapter to charge it at the station everyone else uses

New York is where you find the Big Apple.

Minnesota is where the Minneapolis.

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How do you get an apple pregnant?

You cum in cider.

How many apples grow on a tree?

All of them.

Just saw on the news that Apple is suing Samsung:

They claim that the Galaxy S3 has copied concepts used on the iPhone 6.

I've decided to have my girlfriend nickname me Apple

Cos I'll just be all up in cider

Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?

Because OJ will kill you.

What is a doctor who specializes in Adam's apples called.

A guyneckologist.

Guy selling apple seeds at street...

Police officer came and asked him what is he doing..
man: I am selling apple seeds which make you smarter if you eat them.
PO: Really? do they really work?
man: well buy some and try...
PO: ok...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scientist walks into bar with an apple...

He sits down and the bartender says, "what's the apple for?" Scientist says "I made this apple taste like a screwdriver. Here, try it."
The bartender grabs it and takes a bite. "Woah! Tastes like vodka!"
"Turn it around," the scientist says. The bartender turns it around and takes another bite...

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"...

Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

Three men are challenging each other's aim by shooting an apple on someone's head.

The first man fired his pistol 20 meters away, hits the apple.

"I'm James Bond." He said.

The second man shot an arrow 30 meters away, hits the apple.

"I'm Robin Hood." He said.

The third threw a boomerang 40 meters away, hits the forehead of that person.

"I'm sorr...

If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?

**Big hands.**

I love the expression 'As American as apple pie'

Because there isn't anything more American then copying other cultures and pretend its American

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Apples new headphones look like tampons?

Because they're made exclusively for cunts.

What did Fiona Apple name her twin boys

Mack and Tosh

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you like them apples?

A guy sits down at the bar, and asks for a Rum & Coke

The bartender plops an apple in front of him.

"But I wanted a drink"

The bartender says "Just try it."

The guy bites into the apple, and says "Wow, this tastes just like rum!"

"Turn it around," says the bart...

Apple is moving its production facilities from China to Thailand.

Say hello to iPad Thai.

What's the product name if Apple started making drones?

iSoar

(inspired by ImpulseSV)

An emo and an apple fall out of a tree. Which one hits the ground first?

The apple, the emo is stopped by the rope.

Why can't Apple brand shirts be worn the wrong way around?

They don't have backwards compatibility.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Amazing Apples

A man and his wife are walking through the state fair, when he notices something that clearly has to be a mistake. Taped to a table full of big beautiful apples is a sign that reads, 'Amazing Apples $10 each'. So the man tells the proprietor, "Excuse me sir but I think you made a mistake" pointing ...

Here is an Apple joke…

Punchline sold separately.

What do Apple and EA have in common?

Unlock the punchline now for just $99

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar...

... and asks the bartender for a Jack and Coke. The bartender hands him an apple. The man, looking confused, asks, "What's this?" The bartender replies, "Take a bite out of the apple." The man does and surprised, he says, "Wow, this tastes like Jack Daniels!" The bartender says, "Now turn it around....

I called Apple Records in England because I wanted to talk to Ringo.

The recording told me to press the “star key.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between apple juice and apple cider?

Your sister doesn't care if you cum in juice but she won't let you cum in cider.

Chuck Norris Once Picked A Apple from a Orange Tree.

He made lemonade from it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when you get your dick stuck in an Apple product?

A Steve Job

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The double flavored apple store

A man just moved to a new town from far away, and one day decides to take a walk around to get to know the area.

While walking down the street and checking out all the stores along the way, he notices one that seemed unusual. The sign above read "Jerry's Double Flavored Apples." Curious, the ...

If alive, Steve Jobs would've made a better president than Trump..

But that's really comparing Apple to oranges

If A is for Apple

and B is for bear

What is C for?



A nice explosive that goes BOOM!

A woman has two admirers.

One of them is a doctor, and the other is a deaf guy.
Every day, the doctor gives the woman a rose.
And every day, the deaf guy gives her an apple.
One day, the woman says to the the deaf guy: "Hey, that doctor gives me a rose every day, and I get the symbolism of that. But why do you give...

Why did the apple break up with the orange?

Because the banana was more appealing.

I gave my friend an apple, but she said she prefers pears

So I gave her another apple.

I asked my Apple Watch "what's the time?"

It said "an 80s funk band."

Apple is releasing a new product called the iKnife.

It's cutting edge technology.

My Grandma always used to say, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. "

I don't know if that's true, or just one of Granny's myths.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar...

...he approaches the barman and asks for a whiskey and coke.

"Take this apple."

"I don't want an apple. I want a JD and coke."

"Trust me, try the apple."

The man takes a bite, and exclaims "Christ! This tastes like Jack Daniels!"

"Yup. Turn it around."

"Wow!...

Apple had to stop spying on its competitors...

...they had a lack of Intel.

What’s the difference between an apple and an orphan?

The apple always gets picked

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's worse than biting into an apple and discovering a worm?

Having high voltage electrodes attached to your testicles and being flogged senseless with a knotted rope.

Archimedes had his bath (buoyancy). Newton had his apple (gravity). Poincaré had his...

Hairy balls

I watched two guys rob an Apple Store today. The police caught them.

I'm going to be an iWitness at the trial

Two men are in love with a woman

One of the men is a doctor, and the other a deaf man

Every day, the doctor brings the woman a flower as a sign of his affection.

Every day, the deaf man brings the woman an apple.

She asks him, “Why do you bring me an apple? A flower I understand, but what is the purpose of th...

The next peron that asks me for pineaaple juice, cranberry juice, apple juice and orange juice in the same glass

Is going to get a punch.

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.

How to get rich

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of th...

Apple farmers who are too scared to diversify

should just grow a pear.

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Why did the prostitute get angry after having sex in an apple orchard?

Because her client came in cider.

Who ate an apple the night of the 24th?

Christmas Eve.

What's it called when someone from Apple gets fired?

Apple turnover

Hi, I'm the founder of Apple.

It was in the fridge all along.

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Apples to Apples

A man walks up to a fruit stand and sees a sign indicating '*Apples: 6 for $20*'. He looks at the vendor and says, "What kind of a deal is that?". The vendor replied, "Sir, they taste like three different flavors on each side: apple, orange and banana. Try one". Unconvinced the man takes a bite ...

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A man walk's into a bar the barman says "What can i get for you pal?"

The man replies " I'll have a rum and coke" the barman gives the man an apple. The man says "No i asked for a rum and coke the barman tells him to trust him and try the apple. The man bites into and says " Oh my god this is apple is amazing its taste's like Rum" the barman says "Turn it around" the ...

Apple fitness products don't work.

I tried the iHop and it only made me gain weight.

They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away…

I grew a whole damn orchard and still can’t get rid of these medical bills

If Apple and Kia were to make a car together, what would it’s name be?

IKEA

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Peanut butter and Jelly flavoured apples

A man is walking by a fruit stand and sees a sign for "Peanut Butter and Jelly flavoured Apples" so out of curiosity he asks the fruit vendor for a sample.

The man bites in to the Apple.

"Wow that tastes just like peanut butter, but you said it tastes like peanut butter AND jelly."...

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Apple announced its plans for a iPhone buttplug

It will be the world's first smart ass phone

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