Apple really is the most futuristic company out there

They have already adjusted their prices for the next 50 years of inflation!

If you see a robbery at an Apple store...

Does that make you an iWitness?

We all know where the Big Apple is...

But does anyone know where the Minneapolis?

Why is apple juice the preferred drink for women?

Because OJ will kill you

Why did the worm leave the Apple?

Because Noah said to travel in pairs

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What do you call a monicle made by apple?

an iglass.

I want to buy Apple’s new monitor but I only have $4,000...

I can’t stand it!

I bought the president of Brazil an Apple TV for the holiday.

And all he got me was an Amazon fire.

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't ...

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The apple

Guy goes to a bar and orders a rum and coke. The bartender hands him an apple. Guy says WTF and the bartender insists, Just Taste It!



Guy bites it and it tastes like rum! The bartender says Now Turn It Around. The guy does and it tastes like coke! The guy is amazed and chomps away...

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My 18 carat gold butt plug business was sued by Apple

Apparently they have a patent on expensive stuff for arseholes

If Apple was a pirate ship, what would their sailors wear?

An iPatch

Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump...

But that’s comparing apples to oranges.

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I was in the supermarket the other day and there was a girl in front of me at the checkout, she had one apple, one pear, one toothbrush, one cup o noodle, and one can of soup.

I leaned over and said, "You're single arent you.."

She says, "Yes, but how did you know?"

I said, "Because you're ugly as fuck!"

what's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

the holocaust

Why are Americans so obsessed with Apple Products?

Because they can't afford health insurance in the US

Apple just finished designing a smart car.

They are having trouble installing Windows

how many apple employees does it take to replace your broken screen?

none. "you need to buy our new model which will cost you ONLY $999"

I was having breakfast at a hotel, and I went to get some orange juice but there was a long line of people waiting there for some. So I went to the Apple juice line, and again, there was a long line. So I decided to have some punch instead.

I was relieved to see that there was no punchline.

A slice of apple pie in Jamaica costs 2.50. The same pie costs 3.00 in the Bahamas.

These are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.

What do a basket of apples and a basket of oranges have in common?

A bunch

An Apple a day keeps the Doctor away,

But if he's David Tennant, A pear will kill him.

How do you start a jam session on an Apple computer?

Iphone,

iphtwo,

iphone, iphtwo, iphthree...

Why did apple remove headphone jack from iPhone?

Because Tim Cook prefers one hole underneath instead of two.

My girlfriend is cheating on me with a doctor.

Yesterday, I found out my girlfriend is cheating on me with the primary doctor at her hospital. So from now on, I’ll be giving her an apple for lunch everyday. That oughta do the trick.

Why don’t apples speak Spanish?

They don’t have mouths

Did you hear about the guy who tried to grow an apple orchard without trees?

His efforts were fruitless

I went to an Apple Store and set up alarms on all of the phones. What is the name of the movie?

Lord of the rings

Old Soviet joke. What is huge, noisy, eats 20 liters of gas per hour and cuts apples in 3 pieces?

Soviet machine that cuts apples in 4 pieces.

Eve eating the apple marked..

.. the first time when Artificial Intelligence got out of its creator's control.

Apple is hiring a bunch of opticians

They heard they are the best in the business for iTesting

Apple just came out with its latest product that disgusted everyone.

The I-cup.

If A is for Apple and B is for Banana then what is C for?

Plastic Explosives

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If you have 10 apples in one hand and 10 apples in the other, what do you have?

some big ass hands

Dear Apple: please stop autocorrecting things like “he HAD gone camping” and “he HAS gone camping”

Spelling mistakes are one thing, but don’t assume you know what tents I wanted to use.

Broke in at the Apple Store.

Police are looking for iWITNESSES.

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I was well on my way to becoming a millionaire

I had a sex toy business that specialized in gold plated butt plugs. One day I got a cease and desist letter from Apple. Apparently they hold the patent on overpriced shit for assholes.

What do you call a drunk apple?

Apple: sauced .







My boyfriend is currently giving my the silent treatment because he hates this so much .

Apple is developing a submarine.

“Sink different”

What do you call it when an apple user looks you in the eye?

iContact.

Saw an advert on the side of the Apple Store saying 'Apply Inside'

Well it's not going to be orangey is it?

I got kicked out of the Apple store for farting

It’s not my fault they didn’t have Windows

Have you heard of the new Apple Product designed to protect your eyes?

It's called iLid

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Whats the difference between Apple and a scatological Prostitute?

Only one of them will try to sell you 4year old shit and pretend it's new.

Red delicious apples.

At least they got two out of three right.

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

It was an Apple.

But it had extremely limited memory.

Just 1 byte.

Then everything crashed.

How many apples grow on a tree?

.
.
.
.
All of them

"Sir, I know you are having trouble typing in your password." "Please can we try again. Your password is capital A as in Apple, lowercase T as in Tom, the number 4, Q as in Cucumber... "

This is something I actually said during my call center days. The call screeners wouldn't let me forget for months.

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

What do you call an Apple pie that's smoking a joint?

A baked apple pie!

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Three men get lost in a forest and kidnapped by a cannibal tribe...

The chief tells them that since they don't seem to mean any harm, they must pass a test and if they do, he'll let them go free, he'll even point them in the direction of civilization. But if they cannot complete the test, they will be killed and served for dinner. First, he sends each of the men in ...

Why was the Apple uncomfortable in the fruit bowl?

Pear pressure

A doctor and a bus driver are both in love with the same woman, an attractive girl named Sarah. The bus driver had to go on a long bus trip that would last a week. Before he left, he gave Sarah seven apples.

When Sarah asked why he said, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."

Adam and Eve’s Nationality

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no sh...

People say that Steve Jobs died too soon.

But I think his death was a fitting metaphor for apples attitude to battery life.

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Three guys get stranded on an island where a cannibal tribe lives.

The tribe tells each of them that they’ll let them live if they each go find 10 fruits each, so the guys split up to go find some fruits.

The 1st guy comes back with apples and then the cannibal tribe tells him another part to the deal.

“You have to put all ten up your butt without mak...

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

Two men are sitting on the train.

One of them eats apple cores.
Another asks, "Why do you eat apple cores anyway?"
"It makes you smart."
"Can I get some, too?", The other asks again.

"Yes, of course for $5."

The man then pays 5 dollars and gets the cores and eats them completely. Later, he mumbles, "Actua...

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My girlfriend says that Adam’s apples are sexy

But hers is a real turn off for me

Where does an apple go hiking?

The Apple-achian Mountains...

I’ll delete my account now

If you don't believe 'An apple a day keeps the doctor away'...

...try throwing it harder next time.

Today I slept with a girl in an apple orchard

She let me come in cider

How do we know that Adam and Eve were Soviet citizens?

They had one apple between the two of them, they had no clothes, and they believed they were living in paradise.

A farmer was picking apples when he heard a noise from his pond. He walks over and sees three young women skinny dipping.

They notice him and crouch in the water up to their shoulders. “Go away! Stop spying on us!” The farmer says “Sorry ladies, but I didn’t come out here to see you naked.” Holding up his apple bucket he says “I came to feed the alligator.”

What's loud and sounds like an apple?

AN APPLE.

What type of Apple's grow on trees ?

All of them

Why did Steve Jobs die?

Because Apple kept the doctors away.

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Finding half >!the population of the planet dead thanks to anti-vaxx morons actively working towards deleting herd immunity.!<

One day in class, the teacher brought a bag...

"Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe something, and you tell what I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher repli...

What are the similarities between an apple and a depressed kid?

They both hang from trees.

Apple are making more money than me selling phones and computers.

It's time to make a stand.

I got a new phone free of charge from apple!

It took over an hour to charge!

Why are some apples so sad?

Because they were left hanging...

I'm not sure why everyone is so shocked at Apple's $1000 monitor stand

Just seems like typical Apple grandstanding to me

I sent my waifu an apple tart with a note.

"Please notice me, sent pie."

An apple pie costs $7,95 in Jamaica,

In Cuba you will have to pay $9,90,

Whereas in Barbados you will only spend $4,50

These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.

Scientists annoy me, they’re always going on about Boyle’s Law and Archimedes’ Law.

One came up to me and said: “If you had an apple which experiences no net force, then its velocity is constant: the apple is either at rest, or it moves in a straight line with constant speed – Newton’s Law”

So I said “Here’s one for you: If you have an apple, a carrot, a cabbage, mayonnaise ...

If farmer A sells apples, farmer B sells bananas, what does farmer C sell?

Medicine

A woman walks into a pet shop

She asks the shop owner, "I want a pet that is special above the rest" to which he replies, "I have just the one for you! You see this puppy? He is able to fly!"

Sure enough the shop owner throws the puppy into the air and it began to fly around it circles. The woman was rendered speechless a...

Why are shipping companies mad at Apple?

They’re killing all the ports.

The Story of Apple

It was an apple that kicked Adam and Eve out of heaven. It was an apple that made Newton discover gravity, and since then everyone has to study it. Nowadays, it's an apple that we spend all of our money and time. So through the history whenever human being got f\*\*\*ed it was because of an apple!

Apple is planning on getting into the electric car manufacturing business.

Only when their cars are finally out in the market for sale, it will be fully autonomous. The steering wheel is optional. It will be sold separately for $5,000.

Did you hear about the orchard owner that made a girlfriend out of apples?

He came in cider.

A navy seal walks into a bar

A Navy Seal walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his new Apple watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "just got this state-of-the-art App...

I was finishing an apple and I nearly chipped a tooth on it.

It was pretty hardcore.

How do you milk a sheep?

Put an apple logo on it.

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What’s as big as a house, burns 20 liters of fuel every hour, puts out a shit-load of smoke and noise, and cuts an apple into three pieces?

A Soviet machine made to cut apples into four pieces.



Joke you've probably already heard in the amazing TV Show Chernobyl

People are worrying about Huawei stealing personal info but it's the Western technologies (Apple, Blackberry, Raisin, Raspberry pi) that we should be concerned about.

They're much more likely to be inciders.

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A man walks into a bar and orders a rum and Coke

A man walks into a bar and orders a rum and Coke. The bartender says, “Coming right up,” reaches below the counter, pulls out an apple and sets it in front of the man. “What the fuck is this?” asks the man. “Trust me, try it,” says the bartender. The man takes a bite and says it tastes just like rum...

These jokes about apple are getting old really quickly.

Punch line: $999

Do you know why they say "an apple a day keeps the doctor away"?

Because doctors are smart people. Smart people use Windows.

Imagine if Apple sold apples?

The price would make me go bananas.

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Why do Apple users live in basements?

Because they don't like Windows!

It was my wife's birthday the other day

I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.

Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted..

An apple fell on newton. It was then he realized

He could not afford a stand

Three friends are exploring an abandoned theme park when they come across a mysterious water slide.

At the top of the slide is a sign that reads ‘As you descend, shout out your wish and it shall be granted’.

The first friend goes down the slide and shouts ‘I WANT LOADS OF GOLD!’, and sure enough at the bottom he lands in a huge pool of gold coins.

The second friend, seeing this, goe...

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3 guys were on a plane

Three guys were on a plane to try skydiving. The 1st guy throws an apple and jumps out. He lands to find a child crying. He asks the child what was wrong.
The child says "an apple came from the sky an hit me on the head" the man apologises
The second guy throws a banana and jumps....

Foolproof: How I became a billionnaire in just 15 days. You can do it too.

When my wife and I got married we only got 0.50$ of combined wealth.

I was wandering around in the fruit market in desperation, that was when I saw an apple for 50 cents. I was so hungry that I spent our 50 cents in a blink of an eye. On one apple.

But then it hit me: What have I done?...

Everyone criticizes Apple Maps, but I enjoyed using it for my road trip from New York to Florida.

There's a lot to do in Chicago.

What do you get hanging from apple trees?

Sore arms.

A few days ago Apple introduced the new Mac Pro with up to 1.5 TB of RAM...

I can finally use Google Chrome.

I wondered for a long time why Apple and Microsoft went straight from iPhone/Windows 8 straight to X/10...

Then it finally occurred to me that 7 ate 9.

The new apple XDR monitor costs $999

Oh wait.....that's for the stand

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