Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

If Apple made a car what would it be missing?

Windows...

Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump.

But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.

What do you call a person who saw an apple store getting robed?

An iWitness.

If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?

**Big hands.**

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A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The cashier says: “you must be single”

The man replied: “Wow how did you know that ?”

Cashier: “ Because you’re fucking ugly”

TIL a doctor who specializes in Adam’s apples is a...

guyneckologist

Apple is releasing a new product called the iKnife.

It's cutting edge technology.

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I'm being sued by Apple for trying to sell solid gold butt plugs.

Apparently only they can patent expensive stuff for assholes.

What is two times more disgusting than finding a worm in your apple?

Finding half a worm in your apple

Apple's cars will not be that popular...

Because they don't support windows

What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?

The apple gets picked

Why did Jon Snow go to the Apple store?

For the watch

I think Apple is run by trendy pirates.

They're always updating to a new iPatch.

Apple in the Middle East is releasing a shelf.

They're calling it the iRaq.

iRan to buy it the day it was released.

But it was sold out... O-Man!

My neighbor says he is too afraid to plant an apple tree.

I told him, "Grow a pear"!

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Amazing Apples

A man and his wife are walking through the state fair, when he notices something that clearly has to be a mistake. Taped to a table full of big beautiful apples is a sign that reads, 'Amazing Apples $10 each'. So the man tells the proprietor, "Excuse me sir but I think you made a mistake" pointing ...

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

An apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica.

The same apple pie costs $3.00 in the Dominican Republic.

These are the pie rates of the Carribean.

A man brings his girlfriend to an apple tree grove to do some sightseeing on her birthday

But the girlfriend was clearly upset because...
.
.
.
That wasn't the apple watch she was expecting

What do you call 500 Native Americans with no apples?

The Indian Apple-less 500.

If you have 4 apples in one hand and 3 oranges in the other...

You should probably go back and get a basket

If you invested early into Tesla stocks, you would be a millionaire. If you invested early into Apple, you would be a billionaire. If you invested £10 in 1890,

You would be dead.

What does grades and Newton's apple have in common?

They both fall to make people study

Everyone knows what the Big Apple is

But nobody knows what the...Minneapolis

I know a bit early but .....,

A Little Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
per-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
stressed Santa even more...

Did you know that Apple makes your eyes feel better?

They call it iDrops

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"...

If Apple made a toilet, it would be very encouraging!

The iCan helps get your business done, and respects your privacy!

Why Apple doesn't market their devices as PCs?

Because they are **not** **your personal computers**.

Everyone says “an apple a day keeps the doctor away” is a incorrect statement

But I’m starting to think people just aren’t as good at throwing as I am.

If A is for Apples and B is for bananas then what is C for?

Plastic explosives.

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What did the piece of shit say to the apple?

I used to be an apple once

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The Bartender and the Magic Apples

A man walks into a bar, and sits at the first stool he finds. The bartender looks over and asks, “what’ll ya have?” “Rum and Coke”, the man replies. The bartender reaches under the bar and places an apple in front of the man. “Is this some kind of joke?” he asks. “No, sir. Just take a bite.” the bar...

Leave the horse and grab an apple

Once there was a king. He announced to all the men in his kingdom: "get a horse if you don't fear your wife else grab an apple from the basket".

All the men from the kingdom came turn by turn and grabbed apple. The king was in deep thought, no one is behaving manly.

At last, one man ...

A doctor and a lawyer loved the same girl

Everyday the doctor brought her roses, while the lawyer got her an apple, without fail. One day, the girl decides to ask the lawyer why the apples, to which the lawyer replies, “an apple a day keeps the doctor away”

Saw this new variety of apple called Envy.

Man, I wish I could have some of those.

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When I was traveling in Japan, I asked a shopkeeper, "This apple is from Fukushima, isn't it?"

"Why do you ask that?" Said the owner.

"Yeah, why do you ask that?" Said the apple.

Do you know the oldest computer was owned by Adam and Eve?

It was an apple, with very limited memory, one byte and everything crashed!

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Magic Apples

A man walks into a bar, and upon sitting down is promptly told, "This bar is incredible! The bartender serves apples of any flavor, any one that you can think of!"
"That's incredible, you can't expect me to believe that."
The bartender looks up and says, "It's true, mate. Any flavor."
"Okay...

If Steve Jobs could see what Apple has become today...

He’d be scrolling in his grave!

Orange and apple walk into a bar

Okay, so there's this orange and an apple and they walk into a fruit bar.

Well, they don't exactly *walk*, they more or less *roll*. Anyway, the apple says to the bartender, who is actually a banana, "What does one have to do to get a …."

Ah....wait. I think I messed it up.

... ...

Apple finally enters the electric car market

But their vehicles don’t come a charger and attempts to self service will render the vehicle immobilized

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't ...

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Two men, Joe and bob, both virgins, died and went to heaven.

God introduces them to the heaven!
“Congrats, you get to enjoy eternal life in heaven.
But you have one rule, never eat apples from the forbidden tree” As god pointed to the tree full of delicious apples.

“Uh, what happens if someone eats from it?” Asked Joe.
God replies, “well, um,...

My mate quit the rat race to become an apple farmer, and now he's whining about how much work it is.

So I told him to just grow a pear.

What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?

Cancer.

How are apples and orphans different?

Apples get picked

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Why do Chinese people love IPhones and Apple products?

Because the greatest gifts are the ones your children made.

(inspired by u/lorenzomofo 's comment on a
r/nextfuckinglevel post)

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Three men get lost in the woods...

As they search for a path out together they accidentally stumble into the part of the woods ruled by fairies. The fairy King is not impressed with intruders and orders them executed. They beg for their lives and the King decides they shall complete a two part challenge to be shown the way out.
<...

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Three pilots were stranded on an island with inhabited by an untouched tribe.

The chief of the tribe told them that he would spare their lives if they manage to accomplish two tasks he will give them. Should they fail, they will be executed immediately. The first task was to bring him 5 of the same fruit from the forest, the second task would be told after they succeed.
...

What would happen if Apple bought a deer?

they’d have an idea

Navy Seal and an Apple Watch

A Navy Seal walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his new Apple watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "just got this state-of-the-art ...

Why should you never crossbreed apples?

Because you might discover Granny's Cox Delicious.

If you see a robbery in an Apple store,

Does that make you an iWitness?

A farmer increased the yield of his apple tree by cross breeding it with a salmon

He said it was quite a fish ent.

I’m becoming one of those people who spends all of their money on apple products.

I’m addicted to cider.

Did you hear the one about shooting an apple off your head with a bow and arrow?

Yeah, I don’t wanna Tell you.

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A group of guys walk into a new bar for the first time. The barkeep asks what they will be having tonight. [L]

The first guy orders a whiskey coke. The bartender without hesitation hands the man a chilled apple. The man confused by this asks why he is getting the apple. The bartender insists that he takes a bite out of it.

The man chomps into it and exclaims, “Wow! This tastes just like my favorite wh...

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The Great Debate

Several centuries ago the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy.There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community so the Pope offered a deal.

He would hold a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Ita...

Apple announced that they are releasing a Covid vaccine

It will come in two doses, they'll call it the Steve Jabs

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour.

Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.

So, apple, lemon, and pea escape from the refrigerator..

Happy to be free from their prison, they go to a bar to celebrate. Many bars later, they're all tipsy at best when they come across a hill.

Pea, being a energetic drunk, gets super excited saying, "Hey! Let's roll down the hill! Come on!" And before the other two object he launches hims...

Why was the pregnant apple so upset?

Because her boyfriend, the banana, split.

Apple really is the most futuristic company out there

They have already adjusted their prices for the next 50 years of inflation!

Apple can never build cars

Because they will never install Windows in it.

I just watched an Apple store get robbed...

The police have called me as a iWitness

Tha Apple car will be the first car that will slow down when they release a new model.

They said this is a joke.. I'm not sure..

What's worse than finding a worm in an apple?

Finding only half worm








[it's a joke my mom used to tell me when I was little]

Apple is set to release their new electric smart car in 2024...

It will be the first apple product with windows.

My brother spilled apple juice on my laptop

It was a cider attack

Three men are walking in the desert.

Three men are walking in the desert, all dehydrated.

They approach a slide with an empty paddling pool beneath it with a wizard standing nearby.

Wizard: This slide is magical. When you slide down it, you can say a drink of your choosing and the paddling pool will fill up with that drin...

I read that 73% of apple farmers are functionally illiterate

But it's okay, because they can still live fruitful lives.

Apple just announced their new electric vehicle, the iCar, coming in 2024. Rumor is they’re working on a self driving boat as well.

They’re going to call it the iAye

We all know the story about Eve eating the apple in the Garden of Eden...

But God also forbade Eve from bathing in the nearby river. One day God came down from heaven to find Eve disregarding his command, washing herself in the river.

God put his hands on his hips and shook his head. "Dammit! I'm never going to get that smell out of the fish."

An Apple Store in Minneapolis reported losing $200,000 in inventory to riot-related theft.

'Thankfully the looters took nothing but two iPhones' the store's associate manager said.

What's the worst part about having bad gas in an Apple Store?

You can't open windows.

Whenever my Muslim roommate goes to pray, I sit next to him with some apple pie and ice cream.

Then both of us are in A La mode.

A man sees a boy at the park eating an apple and seperating all of the apple seeds into a pile of individual seeds. The curious man walks up to the boy and asks..

Man: hi there, why are you seperating all of the apple seeds?

Boy:it's been proven that apple seeds will make you incredibly smarter, so I intend to sell these.

Man: how much?

Boy: $100 per seed

Man: fine, i'll take three

The man pays the boy, eats the seeds and st...

Why is it so dark in the apple headquarters?

Because they haven’t installed any Windows.

If a man has got 6 apples in one hand and 8 bananas in the other... what has he got?

...Massive hands

An elderly man had owned his large farm in Louisiana for many years.



Right at the back of the farm there was a large pond that was ideal for swimming. The old farmer had fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the farmer decides to go down to the pond, to look it over, as he hadn’t been dow...

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so ...

If A is for Apple

and B is for bear

What is C for?



A nice explosive that goes BOOM!

I want to buy Apple’s new monitor but I only have $4,000...

I can’t stand it!

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The Apple iBoob

Apple announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants. The iBoob will cost between $499 and $699, depending on the speaker size, this is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men s...

What's the best way to make apple crumble?

Remind her that her mum's Gwynneth Paltrow and her dad's in Coldplay.

A slice of apple pie costs $2 in Cuba. But, in the Bahamas a slice only costs $1

Sorry, I'm just telling you the pie-rates of the Caribbean

\*Laughs in Johnny Depp\*

My wife calls me "her apple."

I agreed, and I replied that I am her apple indeed, because I would very much like to be in cider

What’s worse than finding a worm in your Apple?

Being mercilessly beaten over the head by a large mob.

If Whole Foods sells sliced apples,

Is it false advertising?

I recently got caught up in a heist at an Apple Store.

I guess you can call me an iWitness

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scientist walks into bar with an apple...

He sits down and the bartender says, "what's the apple for?" Scientist says "I made this apple taste like a screwdriver. Here, try it."
The bartender grabs it and takes a bite. "Woah! Tastes like vodka!"
"Turn it around," the scientist says. The bartender turns it around and takes another bite...

I would make a joke about Apple...

but the punchline is sold separately

Me- Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?

Alexa- apple juice

An apple and an emo kid fall out of a tree which one hits the ground first?

The apple, the rope caught the emo kid.

Cow is climbing up the tree..

Crow asks her -" Cow for f sake! Why are climbing on that tree?"

Cow - I want to eat some apples.

Crow - What? That's a pine!! It doesn't grow apples!

Cow - It's ok i took some apples with me.

Why hasn't Apple finished designing their car?

They realized they had to install windows.

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Rags To Riches Success Story

A real touching success story! 

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine.  He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine. 

One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do...

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Three tech owners are sitting in a room together.

The first, the owner of Samsung, says “I call my phones Androids because I named it after my penis, because it’s a machine!”

The second, Steve Jobs, said, “Me too! I named it Apple because girls like to suck my penis like a candied apple!

Bill Gates slowly stood up, and quietly left th...

What happened to the two apple trees that were planted together?

They lived appley ever after.

A man is sitting in a train

and watches the guy on the other side of the aisle take an apple out of his pocket, cutting it open, picking out the seeds and chewing them.

“Why are you chewing the seeds?”
“They make me smarter”
“Really? Could I have some?”
“Sure, dollar a piece”

The man agrees and gets thr...

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Ripe apples

American guy had a huge appletree. All appels are ripe but there are too many, so he calls his neighbour, mexican guy, for help.

"My mexican friend come help me to harvest my apples. You climb up the tree and shake those apples off. Me and my wife will pick them up"

Mexican climbs up...

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Help! is there a doctor on board?

DOCTOR: (rushing forward) Yes, I'm a doctor.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Oh thank god, this man is choking on an apple.

DOCTOR: (backing away) Oh no no no no no.

You can call me Apple.

Because I'm always in cider.

Apple just announced their next groundbreaking product

The iShovel

What’s the difference between Apple and EA?

Some people actually like Apple products.

Apple is announcing a new cell phone for children.

iKid you not.

John the farmer was told by the other farmers he couldn’t sell apples anymore.

Such pear pressure

What's the theme song of an Apple Store?

Return Of The Mac

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