Every morning, the CEO of a major bank in Manhattan went to the corner where a shoeshine man was always there.

He used to sit on the chair, read the Wall Street Journal, and the shoeshine man gave his shoes a shiny, great look.

One morning, the shoeshine man asks the CEO:
"What do you think of the stock market situation?"

The CEO arrogantly asks him:
"Why are you so interested in this...

How many Apple engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They no longer make that socket, you just buy a new house.

A policeman is driving past a roadside apple stand when he notices the sign: "Apple seeds, guaranteed to make you smarter, $20 per seed."

He pulls over and informs the vendor that it is fraud and false advertising to make absurd claims like this.

"No, no, no," the vendor tells the cop, "my apples are a special variety. A scientific miracle. Buy just one seed, eat it, and you will notice an increase in intelligence. If not, I pr...

I told my neighbor I was too scared to grow an apple tree.

He said grow a pear.

Here is an Apple joke…

Punchline sold separately.

Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?

being shot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apple announced its plans for a iPhone buttplug

It will be the world's first smart ass phone

Three men are challenging each other's aim by shooting an apple on someone's head.

The first man fired his pistol 20 meters away, hits the apple.

"I'm James Bond." He said.

The second man shot an arrow 30 meters away, hits the apple.

"I'm Robin Hood." He said.

The third threw a boomerang 40 meters away, hits the forehead of that person.

"I'm sorr...

What do you call two apples next to each other?

A pear.

Why is it so difficult to work at an apple pie factory?

Because they have such a high turnover rate!

Did you hear that Apple is building a car?

Apple is designing an automatic car but they're having trouble installing windows...

What's it called when someone from Apple gets fired?

Apple turnover

What is the difference between an apple and an orphan

An apple gets picked

Why did the apple pie go to the dentist?

Because it needed a filling!

What do you call a person who saw an apple store getting robed?

An iWitness.

Why should you not fart in an apple store?

Cause they dont have windows.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The cashier says: “you must be single”

The man replied: “Wow how did you know that ?”

Cashier: “ Because you’re fucking ugly”

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Finding half a worm.

Am eating an apple with a wormhole in it and remembered my mom telling this joke.

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

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I'm being sued by Apple for trying to sell solid gold butt plugs.

Apparently only they can patent expensive stuff for assholes.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away

Because no-one can afford an iPhone AND medical insurance.

What do you call an Apple employee who got laid off?

Steve Jobless!

Apple have come up with a new revolutionary eye patch for pirates.

It's called the iEye patch.

(I'm sorry)

Why don’t robots like Apples?

Because They’re androids!

An American, a Frenchman, and a Vietnamese are arguing where Adam and Eve were from.

The American says, "Adam and Eve must be American. Look at how much they love freedom - they have everything they could ever want in the Garden of Eden, yet they still pursue the one single thing that they're forbidden from by God. To love absolute freedom so much, they must be American!"

The...

Did you hear about the guy who refused to stop pretending to be an apple crumble?

He got taken into custardy.

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What's worse than biting into an apple and discovering a worm?

Having high voltage electrodes attached to your testicles and being flogged senseless with a knotted rope.

My friend told me his apples were yellow

And I was all like, nah that’s bananas

What do you call it when an Apple fan is watching a 90s movie on a tablet about a dog that plays basketball on their wireless headphones?

They're watching Air Bud on their iPad through their Air Pods earbuds.

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An apple a day keeps a doctor away!

I'm buying one apple every day to keep myself healthy

Punchlines:
1) Probably should be eating them, not just buying.

/

2) At the end of the week I'm throwing out apple puree.

/

3) So far I have 148 apples at my house, any ideas what to do next?

/

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tomato an orange and an apple seed walk into a bar…

The tomato says, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary.”

The orange says, “I’ll have a screwdriver.”

The apple seed says, “oh shit, I didn’t know we were supposed to bring our own juice.”

An apple pie in Jamaica cost $2 and in Barbados its $1.90

Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean

If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?

**Big hands.**

Apples of Life

A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices her father's nakedness. Immediately, she's curious. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, Daddy?" Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's apples of life. Without them, we wouldn't be here." Puzzled, she seeks out h...

TIL a doctor who specializes in Adam’s apples is a...

guyneckologist

Adam & Eve were the first people...

... that didn't understand the Apple terms and conditions.

What do you call an apple that plays the trumpet?

A tooty fruity!

A Frenchman, an American, and a Bulgarian are asked what they'd do if they had a train car full of apples at their disposal.

The Frenchman replies, "Easy, I'd roam the streets of Paris and gift an apple to every beautiful woman I come across".

"I'd sell the apples, and buy even more with the profit", says the American. "Then sell those too, restock, resell, and so on, until I become an apple trillionaire".

S...

An apple and an orange walk into a bar.

The bartender says “Sorry, but see the sign? It says we don’t serve fruit here.”

The apple says “That’s fine, I want a beer.”

Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump.

But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.

What happens when you throw a green apple into the Red Sea?

It's getting wet!

"As you approach the dungeon, an imp steals a half-dozen of your apples."

"For the remainder of this adventure, you will have a -6 malus."

Why do apples avoid being seen with Martha Stewart?

to avoid suspicion of in-cider trading

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian view a painting.

Just noticed it was my cakeday from a previous post. Decided to come here and share my father's favorite joke.


A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must...

If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?

Plastic explosives.

Apple just came out with a new WatchOS update, but I rejected it.

Not on my watch.

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

Surprise! Surprise!
It was an apple.
But with extremely limited memory.
Just 1 byte.
Then everything crashed.

Apple is releasing a new product called the iKnife.

It's cutting edge technology.

Everyone knows what the Big Apple is

But nobody knows what the...Minneapolis

Apple's cars will not be that popular...

Because they don't support windows

Why did Jon Snow go to the Apple store?

For the watch

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"...

They’re teaching apple juicing down the road from me, but it got cancelled before I could go.

It was a pressing issue.

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A man walk's into a bar the barman says "What can i get for you pal?"

The man replies " I'll have a rum and coke" the barman gives the man an apple. The man says "No i asked for a rum and coke the barman tells him to trust him and try the apple. The man bites into and says " Oh my god this is apple is amazing its taste's like Rum" the barman says "Turn it around" the ...

What nationality were Adam and Eve?

Soviet, of course. Who else would walk around barefoot and naked, have one apple to share between them, and think they were in Paradise?

Apple should be commended for using recycled materials in their products. Recycled plastics, recycled aluminum...

...even their phone designs are recycled

Not much of a man…

An old, grizzled truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one spat in the trucker's coffee, an...

Top Biblical experts have reached the conclusion that Adam and Eve were Soviet citizens

They had no clothes, one apple between the two of them and they thought they were in paradise.

If I caught a crime on an Apple device

Would that make me an iWitness?

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Amazing Apples

A man and his wife are walking through the state fair, when he notices something that clearly has to be a mistake. Taped to a table full of big beautiful apples is a sign that reads, 'Amazing Apples $10 each'. So the man tells the proprietor, "Excuse me sir but I think you made a mistake" pointing ...

If you invested early into Tesla stocks, you would be a millionaire. If you invested early into Apple, you would be a billionaire. If you invested £10 in 1890,

You would be dead.

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray, "Take only one. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, "Take all you want....

An apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica.

The same apple pie costs $3.00 in the Dominican Republic.

These are the pie rates of the Carribean.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so ...

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Three guys get lost in a jungle

There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial. The first step of the trial was to go into the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways...

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A man goes to the doctor's...

"What can I help you with?" The doctor asks.

"Actually doctor, it's my wife." He replies, "She's been eating like a fucking horse lately, she needs help."

"Nonsense!" Scolds the doctor. "There's nothing at all wrong with having a healthy appetite, and shame on you for feeling otherwise...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Brewing company Hart Dickins is catering to its female customer base with a new alcoholic apple cider.

After all, what woman wouldn't want a Hart Dickins cider?

Apple in the Middle East is releasing a shelf.

They're calling it the iRaq.

iRan to buy it the day it was released.

But it was sold out... O-Man!

I think Apple is run by trendy pirates.

They're always updating to a new iPatch.

Apple really is the most futuristic company out there

They have already adjusted their prices for the next 50 years of inflation!

Did you know that Apple makes your eyes feel better?

They call it iDrops

If you have 4 apples in one hand and 3 oranges in the other...

You should probably go back and get a basket

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the piece of shit say to the apple?

I used to be an apple once

A man brings his girlfriend to an apple tree grove to do some sightseeing on her birthday

But the girlfriend was clearly upset because...
.
.
.
That wasn't the apple watch she was expecting

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Chinese people love IPhones and Apple products?

Because the greatest gifts are the ones your children made.

(inspired by u/lorenzomofo 's comment on a
r/nextfuckinglevel post)

If you see a robbery in an Apple store,

Does that make you an iWitness?

Everyone says “an apple a day keeps the doctor away” is a incorrect statement

But I’m starting to think people just aren’t as good at throwing as I am.

What does grades and Newton's apple have in common?

They both fall to make people study

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The teacher in Little Johnny's school asked the class...

...what their mothers did for a living. One little girl said her mother was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.

When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said:

"My mom's a streetwalker."

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's o...

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When I was traveling in Japan, I asked a shopkeeper, "This apple is from Fukushima, isn't it?"

"Why do you ask that?" Said the owner.

"Yeah, why do you ask that?" Said the apple.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Magic Apples

A man walks into a bar, and upon sitting down is promptly told, "This bar is incredible! The bartender serves apples of any flavor, any one that you can think of!"
"That's incredible, you can't expect me to believe that."
The bartender looks up and says, "It's true, mate. Any flavor."
"Okay...

I want to buy Apple’s new monitor but I only have $4,000...

I can’t stand it!

If Apple made a toilet, it would be very encouraging!

The iCan helps get your business done, and respects your privacy!

Orange and apple walk into a bar

Okay, so there's this orange and an apple and they walk into a fruit bar.

Well, they don't exactly *walk*, they more or less *roll*. Anyway, the apple says to the bartender, who is actually a banana, "What does one have to do to get a …."

Ah....wait. I think I messed it up.

... ...

If Steve Jobs could see what Apple has become today...

He’d be scrolling in his grave!

For her birthday, i took my girlfriend to an orchard we stood there looking at the trees for about an hour.

Not the apple watch she wanted apparently...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dirty ernie pt. 1

The teacher knows that dirty ernie has a habit of swearing, so she's apprehensive about her lesson bit decides to proceed anyway. She asks the class to give her a word that starts with each letter of the alphabet.

She says, "ok, the first letter is A"

Immediately ernie raises his hand...

How are apples and orphans different?

Apples get picked

My mate quit the rat race to become an apple farmer, and now he's whining about how much work it is.

So I told him to just grow a pear.

Saw this new variety of apple called Envy.

Man, I wish I could have some of those.

What would happen if Apple bought a deer?

they’d have an idea

I know a bit early but .....,

A Little Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
per-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
stressed Santa even more...

I just watched an Apple store get robbed...

The police have called me as a iWitness

What do you get when you drop a smart phone into a deep fryer?

An Apple fritter

A farmer increased the yield of his apple tree by cross breeding it with a salmon

He said it was quite a fish ent.

Did you hear the one about shooting an apple off your head with a bow and arrow?

Yeah, I don’t wanna Tell you.

If A is for Apple

and B is for bear

What is C for?



A nice explosive that goes BOOM!

Apple is set to release their new electric smart car in 2024...

It will be the first apple product with windows.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman goes to a grocery store to grab a few things.

She brings her basket to the checkout counter and begins to offload it. She has a half gallon of milk, some apples, a frozen pizza, a pint of ice cream, a loaf of bread, a box of pasta, some canned tomatoes, and some aluminum foil.

The clerk, looking over the assortment of items as he rings h...

I’m becoming one of those people who spends all of their money on apple products.

I’m addicted to cider.

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