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I'm being sued by Apple for trying to sell solid gold butt plugs.

Apparently only they can patent expensive stuff for assholes.

Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

Don't fart in an Apple Store...

They don't have windows. :)

If you invested early into Tesla stocks, you would be a millionaire. If you invested early into Apple, you would be a billionaire. If you invested £10 in 1890,

You would be dead.

Astronauts preparing for STS-134 lobbied NASA to include fresh apples on board the final flight of the shuttle, but were ultimately unsuccessful.

Needless to say, it was a fruitless Endeavour

If A is for Apples and B is for bananas then what is C for?

Plastic explosives.

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The Bartender and the Magic Apples

A man walks into a bar, and sits at the first stool he finds. The bartender looks over and asks, “what’ll ya have?” “Rum and Coke”, the man replies. The bartender reaches under the bar and places an apple in front of the man. “Is this some kind of joke?” he asks. “No, sir. Just take a bite.” the bar...

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"...

If Apple made a toilet, it would be very encouraging!

The iCan helps get your business done, and respects your privacy!

An apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica.

The same apple pie costs $3.00 in the Dominican Republic.

These are the pie rates of the Carribean.

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A man buys an apple, 2 oranges and a banana.

On his way to the checkout, the cashier asks if he's single.

Man: "Yes I am, how did you know?"

Cashier: "Because you're fucking ugly"

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

Everyone knows what the Big Apple is

But nobody knows what the...Minneapolis

What is a doctor who specializes in Adam's apples called.

A guyneckologist.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away

That, however, depends on how good your aim is

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When I was traveling in Japan, I asked a shopkeeper, "This apple is from Fukushima, isn't it?"

"Why do you ask that?" Said the owner.

"Yeah, why do you ask that?" Said the apple.

My mate quit the rat race to become an apple farmer, and now he's whining about how much work it is.

So I told him to just grow a pear.

If Steve Jobs could see what Apple has become today...

He’d be scrolling in his grave!

Why do astronauts use apple computing systems in space?

Because they can't open windows

Orange and apple walk into a bar

Okay, so there's this orange and an apple and they walk into a fruit bar.

Well, they don't exactly *walk*, they more or less *roll*. Anyway, the apple says to the bartender, who is actually a banana, "What does one have to do to get a …."

Ah....wait. I think I messed it up.

... ...

Apple finally enters the electric car market

But their vehicles don’t come a charger and attempts to self service will render the vehicle immobilized

What would happen if Apple bought a deer?

they’d have an idea

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Magic Apples

A man walks into a bar, and upon sitting down is promptly told, "This bar is incredible! The bartender serves apples of any flavor, any one that you can think of!"
"That's incredible, you can't expect me to believe that."
The bartender looks up and says, "It's true, mate. Any flavor."
"Okay...

What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?

Cancer.

What kind of Apple grows on a tree?

All of them……what were you expecting here

How are apples and orphans different?

Apples get picked

Why was the pregnant apple so upset?

Because her boyfriend, the banana, split.

Navy Seal and an Apple Watch

A Navy Seal walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his new Apple watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "just got this state-of-the-art ...

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't ...

A farmer increased the yield of his apple tree by cross breeding it with a salmon

He said it was quite a fish ent.

I’m becoming one of those people who spends all of their money on apple products.

I’m addicted to cider.

Did you hear the one about shooting an apple off your head with a bow and arrow?

Yeah, I don’t wanna Tell you.

Why should you never crossbreed apples?

Because you might discover Granny's Cox Delicious.

So, apple, lemon, and pea escape from the refrigerator..

Happy to be free from their prison, they go to a bar to celebrate. Many bars later, they're all tipsy at best when they come across a hill.

Pea, being a energetic drunk, gets super excited saying, "Hey! Let's roll down the hill! Come on!" And before the other two object he launches hims...

Apple announced that they are releasing a Covid vaccine

It will come in two doses, they'll call it the Steve Jabs

Tha Apple car will be the first car that will slow down when they release a new model.

They said this is a joke.. I'm not sure..

Apple can never build cars

Because they will never install Windows in it.

I read that 73% of apple farmers are functionally illiterate

But it's okay, because they can still live fruitful lives.

We all know the story about Eve eating the apple in the Garden of Eden...

But God also forbade Eve from bathing in the nearby river. One day God came down from heaven to find Eve disregarding his command, washing herself in the river.

God put his hands on his hips and shook his head. "Dammit! I'm never going to get that smell out of the fish."

I just watched an Apple store get robbed...

The police have called me as a iWitness

What's the worst part about having bad gas in an Apple Store?

You can't open windows.

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Why do Chinese people love IPhones and Apple products?

Because the greatest gifts are the ones your children made.

(inspired by u/lorenzomofo 's comment on a
r/nextfuckinglevel post)

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Help! is there a doctor on board?

DOCTOR: (rushing forward) Yes, I'm a doctor.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Oh thank god, this man is choking on an apple.

DOCTOR: (backing away) Oh no no no no no.

My 6 year old just made this one up, really proud. If a pear “paralyzes” you, what does an apple do?

It paralyzes you.

If apple made a car

Would it have windows?

If you see a robbery in an Apple store,

Does that make you an iWitness?

Apple is set to release their new electric smart car in 2024...

It will be the first apple product with windows.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so ...

I always thought that Steve Jobs would make a better president than Donald Trump

but then I realized that I'm comparing apples to oranges

Why is it so dark in the apple headquarters?

Because they haven’t installed any Windows.

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

Apple just announced their new electric vehicle, the iCar, coming in 2024. Rumor is they’re working on a self driving boat as well.

They’re going to call it the iAye

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Rags To Riches Success Story

A real touching success story! 

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine.  He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine. 

One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do...

A man sees a boy at the park eating an apple and seperating all of the apple seeds into a pile of individual seeds. The curious man walks up to the boy and asks..

Man: hi there, why are you seperating all of the apple seeds?

Boy:it's been proven that apple seeds will make you incredibly smarter, so I intend to sell these.

Man: how much?

Boy: $100 per seed

Man: fine, i'll take three

The man pays the boy, eats the seeds and st...

What's the best way to make apple crumble?

Remind her that her mum's Gwynneth Paltrow and her dad's in Coldplay.

A Philosopher, a Physicist and a Common Man

A Philosopher, a Physicist and a Common Man stand around a piece of fruit.

When asked what the fruit is, the philosopher says “We can never know what this piece of fruit truly is. We assume, through wisdom, that the form of the fruit is closest to our perceptions of the fruit”.

T...

Apple really is the most futuristic company out there

They have already adjusted their prices for the next 50 years of inflation!

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The Apple iBoob

Apple announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants. The iBoob will cost between $499 and $699, depending on the speaker size, this is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men s...

An Apple Store in Minneapolis reported losing $200,000 in inventory to riot-related theft.

'Thankfully the looters took nothing but two iPhones' the store's associate manager said.

Whenever my Muslim roommate goes to pray, I sit next to him with some apple pie and ice cream.

Then both of us are in A La mode.

If a man has got 6 apples in one hand and 8 bananas in the other... what has he got?

...Massive hands

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Microsoft had the Holo-lens, Google had Google Glass..

Apple missed the opportunity to create augmented reality glasses and call them iBrowse

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What's the difference between a apple and a Orphan?

An apple gets picked

(Fuck off chace)

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

Surprise, surprise!

It was an Apple,

but with limited memory.

Just one byte,

and everything crashed.

My wife calls me "her apple."

I agreed, and I replied that I am her apple indeed, because I would very much like to be in cider

If A is for Apple

and B is for bear

What is C for?



A nice explosive that goes BOOM!

Apple wanted to launch a new product directed at children.

In retrospect, it was probably not the best idea to call it "iTouch Kids".

I would make a joke about Apple...

but the punchline is sold separately

You can call me Apple.

Because I'm always in cider.

An apple and an emo kid fall out of a tree which one hits the ground first?

The apple, the rope caught the emo kid.

Why hasn't Apple finished designing their car?

They realized they had to install windows.

If Whole Foods sells sliced apples,

Is it false advertising?

What’s worse than finding a worm in your Apple?

Being mercilessly beaten over the head by a large mob.

I recently got caught up in a heist at an Apple Store.

I guess you can call me an iWitness

The Foreigner

(Not my joke but I wanted your opinion on it.)

A foreigner new to America landed a job at a factory. His brother who had been here for a while taught him how to say apple pie and coffee so he could get lunch. After a couple of weeks, he wanted something different so his brother taught him to ...

What happened to the two apple trees that were planted together?

They lived appley ever after.

John the farmer was told by the other farmers he couldn’t sell apples anymore.

Such pear pressure

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Ripe apples

American guy had a huge appletree. All appels are ripe but there are too many, so he calls his neighbour, mexican guy, for help.

"My mexican friend come help me to harvest my apples. You climb up the tree and shake those apples off. Me and my wife will pick them up"

Mexican climbs up...

I want to buy Apple’s new monitor but I only have $4,000...

I can’t stand it!

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

Me- Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?

Alexa- apple juice

Which person at Apple named it the “iMac” instead of the “Imac”?

The venture capitalist.

Apple is announcing a new cell phone for children.

iKid you not.

What's the theme song of an Apple Store?

Return Of The Mac

I farted in an Apple store and it smelled so bad they kicked me out.

It’s not my fault, they didn’t have Windows

Comparing the number of Instagram hashtags for #apple and #orange

really is apples and oranges

Question: “How many Apple employees does it take to change a light bulb?”

Answer: “Seven. One to change the bulb and six to design the T-shirt.”

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Scientist walks into bar with an apple...

He sits down and the bartender says, "what's the apple for?" Scientist says "I made this apple taste like a screwdriver. Here, try it."
The bartender grabs it and takes a bite. "Woah! Tastes like vodka!"
"Turn it around," the scientist says. The bartender turns it around and takes another bite...

Apple just announced their next groundbreaking product

The iShovel

A man and a woman are standing in line at a grocery store.

And in the woman’s cart, she’s got one apple, one pear, one can of soup, one candy bar, one little one serving of ice cream. The guy behind her says, “You’re single, aren’t you?” The woman looks at her cart and says, “How did you know?” He says, “Because you’re ugly as f**k.”

A new supermarket opened near me a few weeks ago.

They’re trying a new thing: immersion! For example, when you stop by the deli you can smell fresh grass and hear cows mooing, at the fish section you smell sea salt and feel a small bit of spray on your face, and at the fruit stall you can see mist on the apples, and smell fields of oranges and pear...

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A young Native American boy is listening to his dad...

talk about how to read the skies, in order to know how much wood is needed for the winter. Being the youngest of two boys, as well as his older brother being the apple of his fathers eye, he knows he won't be made chief, so he saw no point in learning it. A few years later, a tradegy strikes the tri...

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Apples that taste like anything

A man walks in a bar and asks for a gin and tonic, the bartender then hands him a apple and says “trust me it will taste like a gin a tonic” so the man takes a bite of it and says “oh it takes like gin” then turns it around and says “oh it takes like tonic” another man walks in and asked what’s up w...

How to find a lost iPhone

1) Google "Find my phone"

2) Enter Apple's site

3) Login to your account

4) Confirm verification code sent to your phone...

(not a joke, a real story)

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

What do an apple and an unpaid bill have in common?

Both keep the doctor away

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I finally got an Apple Watch fitness tracker...

...I masturbated for a mile and a half last night!

Party games are so different in the Star Wars galaxy...

For example on Earth you bob for apples, but on Tatooine you Bib Fortuna.

A policeman walks by a street vendor

Policeman:”What are you selling?”

Vendor:” Apple seeds... $5 a pop!”

Policeman:”What???Why would anyone want to eat apple seed?”

Vendor:” They make you smarter!”

Policeman:” OK, give me one (swallows it)... wait a minute? For $5 I could have bought a pound of apples and g...

A man go to the doctor

Doctor: I have bad news for you, sir
Patient: Well, nothing an apple can't fix, right?
Doctor: No, an apple can't fix stage 5 of Colon Cancer
Patient: What if I eat two?

I have more oranges than I have apples

And you thought that I can't compare apples and oranges...

I went to an apple orchard today. I had a lot of fun but I kind of embarrassed myself in front of the attractive tour guide.

Yeah, I slipped in cider.

What do Apple and the NFL have in common?

The Chargers suck.

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