They say that carrots have an IQ of 4.

Now that Stephen Hawking's dead, they must be the smartest vegetables around!

What’s invisible and smells like carrots?

Bunny farts

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Apparently, carrots are really good for memory.

10 years ago my uncle put one up his ass and I still still remember it vividly to this day.

Carrots are good for your eyes.

But enough alcohol doubles your eyesight.

I ran out of carrots...

So I called a replacement...

But it didn't turnip

What's the difference between Mike Wazowski and a carrot?

One's a bunny feast, and the other is a funny beast.

You’ve really got to give props to Carrot Top.

And even then he’s not that funny.

If carrots got you drunk,

rabbits would be messed-up.
-Mitch Headberg
RIP

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I walked in on my sister last night masturbating with a carrot.

I shouted, "Fuck, seriously?! I was going to eat that later, but now it will just taste like carrots!"

Walked in on my cousin pleasuring herself with a carrot today...

I was mad because I had planned on eating that later, now it’s just gonna taste like carrots..

Once upon a time there was a monk, who farmed carrots.

Every day a thief would sneak into his farm and steal 3 carrots. The monk always tried to stop him, but never succeeded. He began to wonder why the thief was stealing exactly 3 carrots each time. He decided he was going to stop the thief. He started chasing him through the fields, but got outran ver...

A man walks into his doctor's office with a carrot in his ear and a banana in his nose. He asks, "What's wrong doc?"

The doctor replies, "You're not eating right."

My friend thought he was being smart, and said “Onions are the only food that makes you cry”.

So I shoved a carrot up his ass

What's the difference between a carrot and an antivax kid?

One grows in the ground, the other goes in the ground

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

I started a carrot club. It's underground.

The turnip is crazy too

Why do carrots make your sight better?

Because they have Vitamin See.

If a carrot and a lettuce were in a race, who would win?

The lettuce because it's *a head*.

My wife caught me chopping up carrots with the Grim Reaper...

...she said “Do you like dicing with death?”

Why was the programmer eating carrots?

So that he could C#

Two women were harvesting carrots

One woman pulled out a huge carrot and showed it to the other woman.

"This one reminds me of my husband."

"Oh - so big?"

"No - so dirty."

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A family of carrots, Mama Carrot, Daddy Carrot, and Baby Carrot, were walking down a road when truck swerved and hit baby carrot.

A family of carrots, Mama Carrot, Daddy Carrot, and Baby Carrot, were walking down a road when a truck swerved and hit baby carrot.

They immediately called an ambulance and baby carrot was rushed to the hospital. As Momma Carrot and Daddy Carrot waited in anticipation, they watched as the do...

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I shoved a carrot up my ass...

It improved my hindsight and made me realize I shouldn't have done it

A man went to a doctors office with carrots sticking out of his nose, and broccoli coming out of his ears.

The doctor took one look at him and said, “Well I can tell right away you‘re not eating right.”

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So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot.

My first reaction was “Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!” I fucking hate carrots.

John says to his friend: did you know, carrots are good for your eyes!

How are you so sure about that? Asks his friend. Well, John replies, have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?

What do you call a rotten car?

A Carrot.

Scientists annoy me, they’re always going on about Boyle’s Law and Archimedes’ Law.

One came up to me and said: “If you had an apple which experiences no net force, then its velocity is constant: the apple is either at rest, or it moves in a straight line with constant speed – Newton’s Law”

So I said “Here’s one for you: If you have an apple, a carrot, a cabbage, mayonnaise ...

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot

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One night I saw my sister masturbating with a carrot. Like really? Wtf dude?!

I was gonna eat that, but now it just tastes like carrots

What is orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot! :)

My baby girl came up with this and most of the laughter just comes from her ecstatic joy of saying it.

Carrots may be good....

Carrots may be good for your eyes but booze will double your vision.

How do you turn a soup into gold?

You add 14 carrots in it

What did the carrot say to the cucumber that owed him money?

Hey man, you knew the dill. Now you're in a pickle, and I couldn't carrot all.

Why do sailors eat so many carrots?

It helps them sea better.

I couldn't find the thingy that peels the potatoes and the carrots, so I asked the kids...

Apparently she left me two days ago.

Here's one from my 8 yr old neice

What's invisible and smells like a carrot?

Rabbit farts!

Why was the snowman looking through a pile of carrots?

He was picking his nose

Dave: Excuse me, sir, is this carrot genetically modified?

Clerk: No, why do you ask?

Carrot: No, really, why do you ask?

What did the snowman say to the aggressive carrot?

Get outta my face!

Carrots have a hard time getting rid of bad habits.

It's a deeply rooted issue.

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The Lion gives a royal decree...

In the jungle, the migthy Lion decided that he is too busy dealing with the affairs of the royal court, leaving him unable to hunt his own prey.
Due to this, he decided to give a royal decree, so that the animals in his kingdom must bring him 20 kilograms of raw meat every day. Any animal ...

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Brother: Stop eating all the carrots.

Me: I like Carrots

Brother: I like pussy but I don't eat it all the time

Me: You can't like something you've never tried

Aldi recently copied Lidl's idea to reduce their prices on courgettes, cucumbers, carrots, celery, celeriac, cabbage and cauliflower, and now they're being fined for breaking piracy laws.

It's because they sale'd the seven Cs.

Why did the carrot start hanging out with the mushroom?

He looked like a fun guy

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Two friends, Bob and Sam, are bored are sitting around the house. Bob asks Sam do you want to play a game?

**NOTE: This joke only really works in person and told to a group of people. **

Sam says "Ok, what's the game?"

Bob replies, "I'll blind fold you and put something up your butt and you have to guess what it is."

Sam hesitantly says, "umm ok" and puts a blind fold on and drops h...

Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

I had a dream I was attacked in my kitchen by a giant head of cabbage. I grabbed a knife and stabbed, hacked, and slashed at it, but it still kept coming! I threw a jar of mayonnaise at it, to no avail -- then I hurled a bag of carrots, but nothing would stop it! In the end...

I fought the slaw and the slaw won.

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This cucumber, a carrot and a penis were all discussing which one of them had the worst life.

The cucumber says: "man, my life sucks. The first part of my life I spent in the dirt, and now I'm stuck in a freezer waiting for someone to chop me up and toss me on that salad. It doesn't get worse than this."

The carrot says: "oh yeah, look at my life. I also spent the first part of my l...

A Carrot is hosting a party

A carrot is hosting a party.

The first to arrive is Carrot's friend Apple, but accompanying him is somebody Carrot does not know. They look just like Apple, but green instead, and so, carrots says, "Hello Apple, who might your friend be?".

The new fellow replies, "Hello, I am also Appl...

I was victim of mugging once

I had walked down to the grocery store to get a few ingredients for pot roast. I already had the meat in the fridge at home so I really just needed the vegetables. I picked out some onions, carrots, and some potatoes. After paying, I started walking back to my apartment. Some mean looking guy po...

What was the snowman doing in the carrot section of the grocery store?

Picking his nose

I went to Coles to buy a cabbage but apparently it’s a legal requirement to buy mayonnaise and carrots too.

It’s Coles Law.

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There I stood wearing a coat of carrots and a hat made of cauliflower.

"What the fuck is this?" asked my wife.

I said, "You told me to put the vegetables on."

A Pair of Rabbits

A wild rabbit was caught and taken to a National Institute of Health laboratory. When he arrived, he was befriended by a rabbit that had been born and raised in the lab.

One evening the wild rabbit noticed that his cage hadn't been properly closed and decided to make a break for freedom. He i...

How do you catch a rabbit?

You hide behind a bush and make a sound like a carrot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some guy shoved a carrot up his ass.

Now his hindsight is 20/20.

Credit to some other redditor from a different thread.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and woman are having sex

As soon as the man climbs on top of his wife he finishes and quickly exclaims that she go make him something to eat.

His wife leaves and shortly comes back with a bowl of lettuce and a plate of carrots.

The man, obviously shocked at the "meal" asks her what the hell this is supposed to...

Mary Poppins Decided To Grow Some Vegetables

Mary Poppins decides to grow some vegetables. When she picks her crop in the autumn, her carrots, potatoes, onions, and spring beans have all failed, but her cauliflowers have grown a treat.

She picks them, cooks some for Sunday lunch in a cheese sauce, and they taste wonderful.

After ...

Why are potatoes better than your vision than carrots?

Because they start their life in an eye.

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A virgin walks into a brothel...

He finds a nice young lady and the two go into a back room. He's never done this type of thing before so the hooker instructs him on what to do, telling him to begin by eating her out.

The man does as he's told, but while orally pleasuring her he comes across a piece of a carrot. He thinks t...

A man gives a kid baby carrots on Halloween.

The kid hands them back.
The man says, "why did you do that?
The kid says,"exactly."

What does pure gold taste like?

Crunchy. Because it is comprised of 24 carrots.

A guy walks into a bar with carrots in his ears

So a guy walks into a bar with carrots in his ears, he takes a seat at the bar, the bartender then notices the carrots in the man's ears. The bartender walks over to the man and asks,
"Why do you have carrots in your ears?"
To which the man replies,
"Sorry, I can't hear you I have carrots ...

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The teacher was teaching the kids about starvation.

Being a good teacher,she decided to call on selected students to draw a picture of starvation on the board.


Sue went first, she drew a round circle with three little lines in the middle of the circle.


The teacher said, "That's very good Sue. What is it?"


Sue sa...

I was browsing thru the Produce aisle

"Are these carrots genetically modified?"

Clerk: No. Why do you ask?

Carrot: Yeah... Why do you ask?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, there's these two tomatoes who are best friends ...

Ever since they grew up on the vine together, they've been inseparable. They played little league together, they had home room together all through high school, they even double dated to prom and shared a limo. As time went on, though, they slowly lost touch. During university they slowly lost touch...

An American and a Polish farmer are riding the train together through Europe.

Feeling hungry the Polish farmer pulls an apple out of his bag.

American asks:

\- What is that?

\-This? An apple.

\- Ha Ha! Apples in America are 3 times that size.

Some time goes by, Polish farmer wants another snack. He takes a carrot out of his bag.

Ameri...

My friend made a flute out of a carrot...

It was impressive, and if you gave her some sheet music, she would show you just how well it played.

My other friend, who's a bit competitive, made an oboe out of corn. He said he could play anything by ear.

A Cannibal is walking in the jungle toward his village.

Soon, a second cannibal joins him on the road. The first cannibal says to the second, “Hi, How’re you doing?”

The second cannibal says, “Not so good. My stomach has been upset for the past few days.”

The first cannibal replies, “Well, what’ve you been eating?”

The second canniba...

TIL Humans eat more carrots than rabbits

I can't remember the last time I ate a rabbit

A rabbit walks into a butcher shop

(All credit to Eddie Izzard, who told this joke at the end of his Wunderbar show here recently and who left us in stitches with his delivery of it.)



One morning, a rabbit walks into a butcher shop and says, 'Hello, sir. Do you have any carrots?'

The barber responds, 'Carrots? T...

What do you call a carrot and a potato who are both wearing stupid wigs?

Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un.

Two ladies are gardening...

One pulls out a HUGE carrot with a deformed, bulbous end on it and says, "That reminds me of my husband's!"

The other lady gasps and asks, "Oh my, is he that big?!"

"No, he's that dirty."

Harrison Ford said this joke on Jimmy Fallon

Two cannibals walk by past each other in the woods in opposite directions. Cannibal 1 says to the other, "hey, how's it going?".

Cannibal 2 replies "not so good, I ate something funny".

Cannibal 1: "really ? Like what?

Cannibal 2: "a missionary"

Cannibal 1: "well, how d...

One day, two carrots were walking down the street...

They were the best of friends.

Just as they started to step off the curb, a car came speeding around the corner and ran one of them over.

The unhurt carrot called an ambulance and helped his friend as best he could.

He was rushed away and taken to the emergecy room at the hos...

How many dancers does it take to peel a carrot?

five...six...seven...eight! (from 'Cooks vs. Cons')

A carrot and a celery are walking down the street.

A car comes by and runs over the celery. The carrot picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. After waiting a long time the doctor comes out of the emergency room and the carrot jumps up and asks "Is he going to be okay?"

The doctor replies "Well... he's going to live, but he'll be a veget...

What are flying carrots most afraid of?

Helichopters.

Sometimes when you eat too much carrot,

you turn orange and you run for presidency.

What's the difference between a rabbit on a treadmill and a rabbit with a carrot stuck up its nose?

One is a fit bunny and the other is a bit funny

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