A man went to a doctors office with carrots sticking out of his nose, and broccoli coming out of his ears.

The doctor took one look at him and said, “Well I can tell right away you‘re not eating right.”

I shoved a carrot up my ass...

It improved my hindsight and made me realize I shouldn't have done it

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I caught my sister masturbating with a carrot

Shit! I was gonna eat that! You know I am allergic to carrots!

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A family of carrots, Mama Carrot, Daddy Carrot, and Baby Carrot, were walking down a road when truck swerved and hit baby carrot.

A family of carrots, Mama Carrot, Daddy Carrot, and Baby Carrot, were walking down a road when a truck swerved and hit baby carrot.

They immediately called an ambulance and baby carrot was rushed to the hospital. As Momma Carrot and Daddy Carrot waited in anticipation, they watched as the do...

Once upon a time there was a monk, who farmed carrots.

Every day a thief would sneak into his farm and steal 3 carrots. The monk always tried to stop him, but never succeeded. He began to wonder why the thief was stealing exactly 3 carrots each time. He decided he was going to stop the thief. He started chasing him through the fields, but got outran ver...

Why was the snowman looking through a pile of carrots?

He was picking his nose

Carrots may be good....

Carrots may be good for your eyes but booze will double your vision.

What did the carrot say to the cucumber that owed him money?

Hey man, you knew the dill. Now you're in a pickle, and I couldn't carrot all.

Carrots have a hard time getting rid of bad habits.

It's a deeply rooted issue.

What did the snowman say to the aggressive carrot?

Get outta my face!

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I caught my sister masturbating with a carrot last night

I screamed “Fuck seriously? I was gonna eat that later. Now it’ll just taste like carrots”

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Brother: Stop eating all the carrots.

Me: I like Carrots

Brother: I like pussy but I don't eat it all the time

Me: You can't like something you've never tried

Why do sailors eat so many carrots?

It helps them sea better.

What's invisible and smells like a carrot?

A bunny fart!

Aldi recently copied Lidl's idea to reduce their prices on courgettes, cucumbers, carrots, celery, celeriac, cabbage and cauliflower, and now they're being fined for breaking piracy laws.

It's because they sale'd the seven Cs.

Why did the carrot start hanging out with the mushroom?

He looked like a fun guy

A man goes to the doctor with a carrot in his nose, cabbage in his ears and ham over his eyes. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.

The doctor replies “Well it looks like you’re not eating right.”

Dave: Excuse me, sir, is this carrot genetically modified?

Clerk: No, why do you ask?

Carrot: No, really, why do you ask?

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This cucumber, a carrot and a penis were all discussing which one of them had the worst life.

The cucumber says: "man, my life sucks. The first part of my life I spent in the dirt, and now I'm stuck in a freezer waiting for someone to chop me up and toss me on that salad. It doesn't get worse than this."

The carrot says: "oh yeah, look at my life. I also spent the first part of my l...

I had a dream I was attacked in my kitchen by a giant head of cabbage. I grabbed a knife and stabbed, hacked, and slashed at it, but it still kept coming! I threw a jar of mayonnaise at it, to no avail -- then I hurled a bag of carrots, but nothing would stop it! In the end...

I fought the slaw and the slaw won.

Why are potatoes better than your vision than carrots?

Because they start their life in an eye.

I went to Coles to buy a cabbage but apparently it’s a legal requirement to buy mayonnaise and carrots too.

It’s Coles Law.

I couldn't find the thingy that peels the potatoes and the carrots, so I asked the kids...

Apparently she left me two days ago.

A guy walks into a bar with carrots in his ears

So a guy walks into a bar with carrots in his ears, he takes a seat at the bar, the bartender then notices the carrots in the man's ears. The bartender walks over to the man and asks,
"Why do you have carrots in your ears?"
To which the man replies,
"Sorry, I can't hear you I have carrots ...

What was the snowman doing in the carrot section of the grocery store?

Picking his nose

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There I stood wearing a coat of carrots and a hat made of cauliflower.

"What the fuck is this?" asked my wife.

I said, "You told me to put the vegetables on."

A Carrot is hosting a party

A carrot is hosting a party.

The first to arrive is Carrot's friend Apple, but accompanying him is somebody Carrot does not know. They look just like Apple, but green instead, and so, carrots says, "Hello Apple, who might your friend be?".

The new fellow replies, "Hello, I am also Appl...

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Two carrots are out for a drive in the country

Two carrots are out for a drive in the country
And they're having the time of their lives. They're going fast around the curves and letting the wind in their stalks, just loving it. All of a sudden, they get in a pretty horrific crash and are then rushed to the hospital. One of the carrots is ok...

How do you know carrots are good for your eyesight?

Well, have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?

Some guy shoved a carrot up his ass.

Now his hindsight is 20/20.

Credit to some other redditor from a different thread.

What do you call a carrot and a potato who are both wearing stupid wigs?

Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un.

My friend made a flute out of a carrot...

It was impressive, and if you gave her some sheet music, she would show you just how well it played.

My other friend, who's a bit competitive, made an oboe out of corn. He said he could play anything by ear.

TIL Humans eat more carrots than rabbits

I can't remember the last time I ate a rabbit

A man gives a kid baby carrots on Halloween.

The kid hands them back.
The man says, "why did you do that?
The kid says,"exactly."

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3 guys are shipwrecked on an island full of cannibals

The cannibals catch them and say"bring us 10 fruits or we will kill you" the first man comes back with ten carrots the cannibals tell him"we'll stick them all up your ass if you dont move a muscle we'll let you live" they force the first one up his ass he doesnt say anything but as soon as they tou...

What are flying carrots most afraid of?

Helichopters.

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You heard your teeth and jaw could bite your fingers off as easily as carrots but your brain blocks it.

Just try not to think of that during your next blowjob.

One day, two carrots were walking down the street...

They were the best of friends.

Just as they started to step off the curb, a car came speeding around the corner and ran one of them over.

The unhurt carrot called an ambulance and helped his friend as best he could.

He was rushed away and taken to the emergecy room at the hos...

Sometimes when you eat too much carrot,

you turn orange and you run for presidency.

How do you turn soup to gold?

Add 24 carrots

What's the difference between a rabbit on a treadmill and a rabbit with a carrot stuck up its nose?

One is a fit bunny and the other is a bit funny

A carrot and a celery are walking down the street.

A car comes by and runs over the celery. The carrot picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. After waiting a long time the doctor comes out of the emergency room and the carrot jumps up and asks "Is he going to be okay?"

The doctor replies "Well... he's going to live, but he'll be a veget...

A man walks in to a green grocer's

"Excuse me ma'am, are these carrots genetically modified?"

"No" interrupted the carrot.

So a guy walks into the doctor's office with a celery stick in each ear and a carrot in each nose nostril...

He mumbles to the doctor "I think there's something wrong." to which the doctor replies "I don't think you're eating right."

What do you call a blood vessel with a carrot jammed into it?

A carroted artery.

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I think Oranges were named before Carrots

"What are these?"

"They're orange....oranges"

"What about these"

"Shit....long pointys???"

Demitri Martin

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jYVrp_GsinE

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It Snowed last so I made a Snow man

8:00 am: I made a snowman.

8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 - The gay c...

How do you know carrots improve your vision?

Cause you've never seen any bunnies with glasses

Why do people eat carrots to help their eyesight?

They should be eating oranges because they have vitamin C. haha

A carrot gets into a bad car crash...

He wakes up in a hospital bed with casts and bandages all over him. His Doctor looks at him and says, "I've got good news and bad news. The good news is your going to live, but the bad news is your going to be a vegetable for the rest of your life."

Cucumber, carrot, banana - none of them used for scale

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me Doc?" he asks.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly!"