UPJOKE
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A man is walking his pet carrot

As he’s walking his pet carrot it gets hit by a car. After rushing to the ER the man paces the waiting room as the doctor comes out exhausted from surgery. “Doctor, is my carrot alive are they ok?” The doctors sighs. “I have good news and bad news. The good news is your pet carrot is alive” the man ...

Once upon a time there was a monk, who farmed carrots.

Every day a thief would sneak into his farm and steal 3 carrots. The monk always tried to stop him, but never succeeded. He began to wonder why the thief was stealing exactly 3 carrots each time. He decided he was going to stop the thief. He started chasing him through the fields, but got outran ver...

I spent an hour looking for that thing that peels the potatoes and carrots.

Then I realised she's at work.

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So, I walk in on daughter masturbating with a carrot.

I shout, "Fuck! Seriously? I was going to eat that later, and now it's just going to taste like carrots!"

I couldn't find the thingy that peels the potatoes and the carrots, so I asked the kids...

Apparently she left me two days ago.

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Struggles of passwords

"Set password:"

carrot

"Password must be at least 8 characters."

boiled carrot

"Password must contain at least 1 number."

1 boiled carrot

"Password cannot contain spaces."

50boiledcarrots

"Password must contain at least 1 capital."

50FUC...

my wife put a carrot in her you-know-what yesterday

I was gonna eat that and now it tastes like carrot

the joke is originally in persian but i think it works in english too

kid:"hey mom are you adding carrots to that soup?"

mom:"yeah, i know you dont like carrots but dont worry, you wont taste the carrot at all"

kid:"then why do you add carrots?"

mom:"because it makes it tastier"

Two women were harvesting carrots.

One of them pulled a huge carrot from the ground and exclaimed "This one reminds me of my husband!"

"So large?" asked her friend.

"No - so dirty."

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It's true that carrots are great for memory.

Buddy of mine shoved one up my ass 15 years ago and I still remember it to this day.

The carrot cake

One day a rabbit entered a bakery and ask the baker if he has a carrot cake. The baker said no. The next day he went there again and asked the same question, and again, the answer was no. After a few days, the baker decided to bake the rabbit a carrot cake. The next day the rabbit entered the bakery...

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What's invisible and smells like carrots?

Rabbit Farts..

My 7 yr. old neice told me this the other day, and I bout lost my shit..lolol

If you measure tomatoness with tomatomometer, and you measure carrotness with a carrotometer, what do you measure peaness with?

A ruler.

What did the snowman say to the aggressive carrot?

Get out of my face!

My friend thought he was being smart, and said “Onions are the only food that makes you cry”.

So I shoved a carrot up his ass

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Farmer Greg

A seasoned farmer named Greg had finally mastered his craft. He toiled day and night to understand every detail to growing the perfect crop. After 30 years he had made enough money to retire, but Greg wanted more. He wanted local recognition and fame.


So he decided to grow the state’s ...

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

I ran out of carrots...

So I called a replacement...

But it didn't turnip

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A rabbit is captured and taken to a medical laboratory to be used for experiments . . .

There, he befriends a rabbit who was born and raised in the lab. One day, he notices that the researchers didn't latch his cage properly and he decides to make a break for it. He tells the lab rabbit how great it is on the outside and convinces him to come along.

First, the wild rabbit take...

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A virgin goes to a brothel...

He finds a nice young lady and the two go into a back room. He's never done this type of thing before so the hooker instructs him on what to do, telling him to begin by eating her out.

The man does as he's told, but while orally pleasuring her he comes across a piece of a carrot. He thinks t...

Carrots are a great thing to eat

when you are hungry and want to stay that way.

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I was told that masturbating too much can make me blind (thanks, mom). Then later I overheard that carrots are really good for the eyes.

So now everytime I masturbate I put a carrot up my ass.

You know Murphy's Law. It's "If something can go wrong, it will", but do you know Cole's law? It's...

shredded cabbage, mayonnaise, maybe some carrot.

What did the celery say to the carrot?

You've got a point.


Credit to my niece

What do you call carrots with a vendetta?

Revengetables

A carrot, some corn and a cucumber fell into the ocean.

They are all c foods.

What do you call a tomato that self-identifies as a carrot?

A transplant.

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A man walks into the Doctor with a carrot in his ear, a runner bean in the other and a cucumber up his arse

'Well' says the Doctor 'You're clearly not eating properly'

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Carrot, cucumber, penis at a group therapy session.

The cucumber tells the group “ my life is so terrible people put me in a jar liquid and set me on a shelf for months and mutate me into something completely different” The carrot says no my life is way worse, people skin me alive, & eat my babies!” The penis pipes up and says “I think my life is...

How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?

Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses

The Grim Reaper appeared beside me when I was chopping some carrots in the kitchen.

He took his scythe and started chopping the carrots with me....

Very scary, when you are dicing with death.

What do you call a snowman without a carrot?

Nobody nose.

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A family of carrots, Mama Carrot, Daddy Carrot, and Baby Carrot, were walking down a road when truck swerved and hit baby carrot.

A family of carrots, Mama Carrot, Daddy Carrot, and Baby Carrot, were walking down a road when a truck swerved and hit baby carrot.

They immediately called an ambulance and baby carrot was rushed to the hospital. As Momma Carrot and Daddy Carrot waited in anticipation, they watched as the do...

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

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I shoved a carrot up my ass...

It improved my hindsight and made me realize I shouldn't have done it

Did you hear about the carpenter on a carrot farm who ran out of wood?

Did you hear about the carpenter on a carrot farm who ran out of wood, so he had to start using carrots to make tables?

It turns out he wasn't just good with wood, he was also good with Vege Tables.

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Eleanor and Gertrude were harvesting carrots in the garden

After a while, Gertrude pulls out a massive carrot, as long as her arm, covered in dirt.

"Now see here, Eleanor, this is like my man's."

"That big?!"

"No, that dirty."

Carrots may improve your vision,

But alcohol doubles it.

A man walks into the doctor's office with green beans hanging out of his nose and a carrot in each ear . . .

He says, Doc, I've been losing weight. What do you think could be wrong with me?

The doc leans back, looks at him, scratches his chin for a minute, and says, "I don't think you're eating right."

What do you call a carrot that talks back to you?

A fresh vegetable.

Carrot Stuck....

Is the past tense of Carrot Stick.

Unfortunately, my wife did not appreciate this as she was gesturing to her throat and coughing.

What was the snowman doing in the carrot section of the grocery store?

Picking his nose

Customer: Is the carrot genetically modified?

Carrot: Why do you ask?

When buying carrots in a supermarket

i also buy a lubricant, so people don't take me for a vegan.

Carrots may be good....

Carrots may be good for your eyes but booze will double your vision.

Why do sailors eat so many carrots?

It helps them sea better.

They say that carrots have an IQ of 4.

Now that Stephen Hawking's dead, they must be the smartest vegetables around!

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The local brothel is hiring

This to be told at parties - needs to have women in the audience.

So, the local brothel has been losing business for a while and the owner thought it's time to add some new faces to shore up some business. She had 3 rooms open and could hire 3 more girls.

She puts up an ad on the loc...

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Some guy shoved a carrot up his ass.

Now his hindsight is 20/20.

Credit to some other redditor from a different thread.

You’ve really got to give props to Carrot Top.

And even then he’s not that funny.

Mr Carrot was out riding his motorcycle on a beautiful day.

Suddenly a car cuts in front of him and he goes flying off his bike. A few hours later Mrs Carrot gets a call from the hospital. “Mrs. Carrot, this is Dr. Carrot, and I’m calling you to let you know that your husband got into a terrible accident.”

“Oh my gosh, no! Is he ok?” she asks

...

What do you call a chicken in a dinghy full of tomato sauce, using carrots for oars, chasing a British Conservative fleeing Brexit?

Chicken Cacciatore

A guy walks into a bar with carrots in his ears

So a guy walks into a bar with carrots in his ears, he takes a seat at the bar, the bartender then notices the carrots in the man's ears. The bartender walks over to the man and asks,
"Why do you have carrots in your ears?"
To which the man replies,
"Sorry, I can't hear you I have carrots ...

Dave: Excuse me, sir, is this carrot genetically modified?

Clerk: No, why do you ask?

Carrot: No, really, why do you ask?

Why was the programmer eating carrots?

So that he could C#

Why do carrots make your sight better?

Because they have Vitamin See.

What did the rabbit say when he found 24 carrots?

Thanks for the gold!

A man goes to the doctor with a carrot sticking out of his ear..

a banana in his other ear, spaghetti on his head and a sausage sticking out of his nose.

He says "Doctor, I'm not feeling very well".

Doctor replies "Hmmm, I don't think your eating properly".

What did the carrot say to the cucumber that owed him money?

Hey man, you knew the dill. Now you're in a pickle, and I couldn't carrot all.

My friend made a flute out of a carrot...

It was impressive, and if you gave her some sheet music, she would show you just how well it played.

My other friend, who's a bit competitive, made an oboe out of corn. He said he could play anything by ear.

A rabbit walks into an electronics store

He goes up to the counter and bangs his hands down hard on it to get the cashiers attention.

**\*BANG BANG\***
"I'd like two carrots please."

The cashier is naturally surprised by everything about this interaction, but being the professional that he is politely says, "I'm sorry, b...

What's the difference between Mike Wazowski and a carrot?

One's a bunny feast, and the other is a funny beast.

TIL Humans eat more carrots than rabbits

I can't remember the last time I ate a rabbit

George goes inside a market to buy some food...

He got to the vegetable section and said to the lady who was selling the veg:

George: Hello miss!

Lady: Hello sir, how can I help you?

George: Can i please have 5 kilograms of potatoes but can you wrap them individually in a piece of paper?

Lady: Sure! So, she wrapped eac...

A man went to a doctors office with carrots sticking out of his nose, and broccoli coming out of his ears.

The doctor took one look at him and said, “Well I can tell right away you‘re not eating right.”

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A carrot, a pickle and a penis were talking about their awful lives. The carrot said my life sucks, when i get big and fat they cut me up and cook me. The pickle said when I get big and fat they cover me in vinegar & throw me in a jar.

The penis said, when I get big and fat they pull a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark, damp room and bang my head against the wall till I throw up and pass out!

What did the carrot say when his wife caught him in bed with a cucumber?

Seems I’ve found myself in a bit of a pickle.

One day, two carrots were walking down the street...

They were the best of friends.

Just as they started to step off the curb, a car came speeding around the corner and ran one of them over.

The unhurt carrot called an ambulance and helped his friend as best he could.

He was rushed away and taken to the emergecy room at the hos...

How do you kill a root vegetable?

Cut it’s carroted artery.

Carrots have a hard time getting rid of bad habits.

It's a deeply rooted issue.

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A rabbit walks into a pharmacy

“Carrots, have you got carrots?”, he asks.

The pharmacist replies: “No, this is a pharmacy. If you want carrots you should check out the grocery store.”

On the next day the rabbit comes back and asks: “Carrots, have you got carrots?”

The pharmacist replies: “No, I told you yeste...

I've been reading this farmer's autobiography and just got to the part where he expands his carrot farm.

The plot thickens.

A Young Vulture is sick of eating dead things and wants to be a vegetarian...

So he asks his parents whether they can start incorporating some vegetables into their meals.

His father is ashamed of him and says 'No'.

So the young vulture asks if he could bring a carrot to dinner and his mother and father tell him that he is a disgrace to the family and to put the...

Sometimes when you eat too much carrot,

you turn orange and you run for presidency.

Why are potatoes better than your vision than carrots?

Because they start their life in an eye.

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I think Oranges were named before Carrots

"What are these?"

"They're orange....oranges"

"What about these"

"Shit....long pointys???"

Demitri Martin

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jYVrp_GsinE

Say what you want about carrot top, but fact of the matter is he’s out there making a living as a comedian

You gotta give him props for that

What are flying carrots most afraid of?

Helichopters.

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