I couldn’t find the thingy that peels potatoes and carrots, so I asked my kids if they'd seen it. Apparently...

She left me two days ago...

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

A man is walking his pet carrot

As he’s walking his pet carrot it gets hit by a car. After rushing to the ER the man paces the waiting room as the doctor comes out exhausted from surgery. “Doctor, is my carrot alive are they ok?” The doctors sighs. “I have good news and bad news. The good news is your pet carrot is alive” the man ...

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Eleanor and Gertrude were harvesting carrots in the garden

After a while, Gertrude pulls out a massive carrot, as long as her arm, covered in dirt.

"Now see here, Eleanor, this is like my man's."

"That big?!"

"No, that dirty."

How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?

Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses

What did the celery say to the carrot?

You've got a point.


Credit to my niece

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What's invisible and smells like carrots?

Rabbit Farts..

My 7 yr. old neice told me this the other day, and I bout lost my shit..lolol

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Carrot, cucumber, penis at a group therapy session.

The cucumber tells the group “ my life is so terrible people put me in a jar liquid and set me on a shelf for months and mutate me into something completely different” The carrot says no my life is way worse, people skin me alive, & eat my babies!” The penis pipes up and says “I think my life is...

What do you call a snowman without a carrot?

Nobody nose.

What do you call a tomato that self-identifies as a carrot?

A Transplant.

The carrot cake

One day a rabbit entered a bakery and ask the baker if he has a carrot cake. The baker said no. The next day he went there again and asked the same question, and again, the answer was no. After a few days, the baker decided to bake the rabbit a carrot cake. The next day the rabbit entered the bakery...

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Farmer Greg

A seasoned farmer named Greg had finally mastered his craft. He toiled day and night to understand every detail to growing the perfect crop. After 30 years he had made enough money to retire, but Greg wanted more. He wanted local recognition and fame.


So he decided to grow the state’s ...

What did the snowman say to the aggressive carrot?

Get out of my face!

A carrot, some corn and a cucumber fell into the ocean.

They are all c foods.

What do you call carrots with a vendetta?

Revengetables

What's orange and sound like parrot.

Carrot

Why was the snowman rummaging through the bag of carrots?

He was picking his nose!

A man gets a hooker and starts going on down on her when he suddenly pulls a small piece of carrot out of his mouth...

...well it's been a while, so undaunted, he continues. After a minute or so, he pulls a small piece of beef out of his mouth. At this point, he has to ask, "Ma'am, are you sick or something?" "No" she replies, "but the guy before you was."

When buying carrots in a supermarket

i also buy a lubricant, so people don't take me for a vegan.

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I walked in on my sister last night masturbating with a carrot.

I shouted, "Fuck, seriously?! I was going to eat that later, but now it will just taste like carrots!"

Once upon a time there was a monk, who farmed carrots.

Every day a thief would sneak into his farm and steal 3 carrots. The monk always tried to stop him, but never succeeded. He began to wonder why the thief was stealing exactly 3 carrots each time. He decided he was going to stop the thief. He started chasing him through the fields, but got outran ver...

Mr Carrot was out riding his motorcycle on a beautiful day.

Suddenly a car cuts in front of him and he goes flying off his bike. A few hours later Mrs Carrot gets a call from the hospital. “Mrs. Carrot, this is Dr. Carrot, and I’m calling you to let you know that your husband got into a terrible accident.”

“Oh my gosh, no! Is he ok?” she asks

...

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Apparently, carrots are really good for memory.

10 years ago my uncle put one up his ass and I still still remember it vividly to this day.

I ran out of carrots...

So I called a replacement...

But it didn't turnip

Say what you want about carrot top, but fact of the matter is he’s out there making a living as a comedian

You gotta give him props for that

What do you call a carrot that talks back to you?

A fresh vegetable.

Ok, dad joke time.

A doctor goes to see a patient, the patient has carrots coming out of his nose and broccoli out of his ears. The doctor takes one look at the patient and says, “I can tell right away you’re not eating right.”

A man goes to the doctor with a carrot sticking out of his ear..

a banana in his other ear, spaghetti on his head and a sausage sticking out of his nose.

He says "Doctor, I'm not feeling very well".

Doctor replies "Hmmm, I don't think your eating properly".

[Repost] carrots may be good for your eyes....

But whiskey will double your vision.

I've been reading this farmer's autobiography and just got to the part where he expands his carrot farm.

The plot thickens.

What did the rabbit say when he found 24 carrots?

Thanks for the gold!

Customer: Is the carrot genetically modified?

Carrot: Why do you ask?

They say: carrots are good for your eyes...

... but enough alcohol doubles your eyesight ;-))))

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A carrot, a pickle and a penis were talking about their awful lives. The carrot said my life sucks, when i get big and fat they cut me up and cook me. The pickle said when I get big and fat they cover me in vinegar & throw me in a jar.

The penis said, when I get big and fat they pull a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark, damp room and bang my head against the wall till I throw up and pass out!

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A family of carrots, Mama Carrot, Daddy Carrot, and Baby Carrot, were walking down a road when truck swerved and hit baby carrot.

A family of carrots, Mama Carrot, Daddy Carrot, and Baby Carrot, were walking down a road when a truck swerved and hit baby carrot.

They immediately called an ambulance and baby carrot was rushed to the hospital. As Momma Carrot and Daddy Carrot waited in anticipation, they watched as the do...

You've all heard of Murphy's Law, but have you heard of Cole's Law?

It's shredded cabbage and carrot in mayonnaise.

What did the carrot say when his wife caught him in bed with a cucumber?

Seems I’ve found myself in a bit of a pickle.

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I shoved a carrot up my ass...

It improved my hindsight and made me realize I shouldn't have done it

Surely you have heard of Murphy's Law?

Murphy's Law is simply "whatever can go wrong, will go wrong". But have you ever heard of Cole's Law?...

No? Well, cole's law is simply thinly sliced cabbage and carrots served cold with mayonnaise.

Why do sailors eat so many carrots?

It helps them sea better.

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So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot.

My first reaction was “Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!” I fucking hate carrots.

Walked in on my cousin pleasuring herself with a carrot today...

I was mad because I had planned on eating that later, now it’s just gonna taste like carrots..

What did the rabbit use to propose to his girlfriend?

A 24-carrot ring

The Easter Bunny joined the Olympics

He heard first place gets 24 carrots.

What would a snowman say if he could talk?

"I smell carrots."

What's the difference between a carrot and an antivax kid?

One grows in the ground, the other goes in the ground

Dave: Excuse me, sir, is this carrot genetically modified?

Clerk: No, why do you ask?

Carrot: No, really, why do you ask?

George goes to see a hooker. It’s his 50th birthday and although still single, he needs to celerate. [nsfw]

So off he goes to the ladies of pleasure and sees a rather big woman he wants to “go to town with”. In he goes, starts to go down when suddenly he feels something stuck between his teeth. He uncomfortably pauzes and tries to take out what appeared to be a piece of carrot. A bit weirded out because h...

A man goes to the doctor with a carrot in his nose, cabbage in his ears and ham over his eyes. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.

The doctor replies “Well it looks like you’re not eating right.”

What did the carrot say to the cucumber that owed him money?

Hey man, you knew the dill. Now you're in a pickle, and I couldn't carrot all.

What does a carrot say when it gets picked?

Nothing.

It can only silently scream into the abyss.

It has no mouth, yet it surely must have screamed when it was ripped from its comfortable life to face the cold, uncaring winds of its fate. It was a sheep to the slaughter.

And aren't we?

As a species, we have no other...

Why was the programmer eating carrots?

So that he could C#

What was the snowman doing in the carrot section of the grocery store?

Picking his nose

An elephant escapes from the circus

It wanders around and eventually ends uo in an old lady's garden eating the vegetables. The old lady came out and had never seen an elephant before nor did she know what it was. Panicked she ran inside and called the police

"Hello, what is your emergency" said the operator

"There is so...

Two women were harvesting carrots

One woman pulled out a huge carrot and showed it to the other woman.

"This one reminds me of my husband."

"Oh - so big?"

"No - so dirty."

What's the difference between Mike Wazowski and a carrot?

One's a bunny feast, and the other is a funny beast.

Why do carrots make your sight better?

Because they have Vitamin See.

My wife caught me chopping up carrots with the Grim Reaper...

...she said “Do you like dicing with death?”

If a carrot and a lettuce were in a race, who would win?

The lettuce because it's *a head*.

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While a guy is eating a girl out he finds a pea in her vagina

He thinks to himself, “hmm that’s odd..”, but he’s really in the mood and just keeps going to town on her.

After a while he finds a piece of a carrot, and that made him think “there’s something weird going on..”, but he continues anyway.

A few moments later he finds a small chunk of ...

A guy walks into a bar with carrots in his ears

So a guy walks into a bar with carrots in his ears, he takes a seat at the bar, the bartender then notices the carrots in the man's ears. The bartender walks over to the man and asks,
"Why do you have carrots in your ears?"
To which the man replies,
"Sorry, I can't hear you I have carrots ...

John says to his friend: did you know, carrots are good for your eyes!

How are you so sure about that? Asks his friend. Well, John replies, have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?

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Some guy shoved a carrot up his ass.

Now his hindsight is 20/20.

Credit to some other redditor from a different thread.

Aldi recently copied Lidl's idea to reduce their prices on courgettes, cucumbers, carrots, celery, celeriac, cabbage and cauliflower, and now they're being fined for breaking piracy laws.

It's because they sale'd the seven Cs.

Carrots have a hard time getting rid of bad habits.

It's a deeply rooted issue.

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There I stood wearing a coat of carrots and a hat made of cauliflower.

"What the fuck is this?" asked my wife.

I said, "You told me to put the vegetables on."

I haven't seen this one here before

Late one Friday night, John visits the brothel. As he walks in, he is greeted by all the usual faces.

"Hey John, back again?"

"Johnny boy. Must be payday."

So on and so forth.

Then the Madame of the house spots him and hurries over.

"Mr. John. How lovely to...

A man gives a kid baby carrots on Halloween.

The kid hands them back.
The man says, "why did you do that?
The kid says,"exactly."

what do cars eat?

CARrots

A Young Vulture is sick of eating dead things and wants to be a vegetarian...

So he asks his parents whether they can start incorporating some vegetables into their meals.

His father is ashamed of him and says 'No'.

So the young vulture asks if he could bring a carrot to dinner and his mother and father tell him that he is a disgrace to the family and to put the...

I went to Coles to buy a cabbage but apparently it’s a legal requirement to buy mayonnaise and carrots too.

It’s Coles Law.

My dad rewards me when I earn a good report card, but any “C”s are punished with unbearable dad-jokes.

He likes to call it the carrot and schtick method of parenting.

I had a dream I was attacked in my kitchen by a giant head of cabbage. I grabbed a knife and stabbed, hacked, and slashed at it, but it still kept coming! I threw a jar of mayonnaise at it, to no avail -- then I hurled a bag of carrots, but nothing would stop it! In the end...

I fought the slaw and the slaw won.

TIL Humans eat more carrots than rabbits

I can't remember the last time I ate a rabbit

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This cucumber, a carrot and a penis were all discussing which one of them had the worst life.

The cucumber says: "man, my life sucks. The first part of my life I spent in the dirt, and now I'm stuck in a freezer waiting for someone to chop me up and toss me on that salad. It doesn't get worse than this."

The carrot says: "oh yeah, look at my life. I also spent the first part of my l...

My friend made a flute out of a carrot...

It was impressive, and if you gave her some sheet music, she would show you just how well it played.

My other friend, who's a bit competitive, made an oboe out of corn. He said he could play anything by ear.

I have had enough!!! I will never help anyone again...EVER!!!

Yesterday it was so cold out that we took a man into our home out of the kindness of our heart. We felt so sorry for him. Poor thing was trembling out in the cold, but this morning he had just vanished. Not a word...not even a goodbye or a thank you for sheltering him!! The last straw?!?! When I rea...

My friend thought he was being smart, and said “Onions are the only food that makes you cry”.

So I shoved a carrot up his ass

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

One day, two carrots were walking down the street...

They were the best of friends.

Just as they started to step off the curb, a car came speeding around the corner and ran one of them over.

The unhurt carrot called an ambulance and helped his friend as best he could.

He was rushed away and taken to the emergecy room at the hos...

Why are potatoes better than your vision than carrots?

Because they start their life in an eye.

What's the difference between a rabbit on a treadmill and a rabbit with a carrot stuck up its nose?

One is a fit bunny and the other is a bit funny

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Are You Sick?

A man takes a prostitute home for a few hours of fun. He immediately pulls up her dress and starts licking her pussy.

The woman grabs his hair and tells him to lick harder. The man complies but gets a piece of carrot in his mouth from her pussy. He wants to stop but the prostitute is begging...

What are flying carrots most afraid of?

Helichopters.

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