What's invisible and smells like carrots?

Rabbit farts.

(Not my own joke. Heard it somewhere awhile back.)

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What's invisible and smells like carrots?

Rabbit Farts..

My 7 yr. old neice told me this the other day, and I bout lost my shit..lolol

What did the snowman say to the aggressive carrot?

Get out of my face!

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Carrot, cucumber, penis at a group therapy session.

The cucumber tells the group “ my life is so terrible people put me in a jar liquid and set me on a shelf for months and mutate me into something completely different” The carrot says no my life is way worse, people skin me alive, & eat my babies!” The penis pipes up and says “I think my life is...

I couldn’t find the thingy that peels potatoes and carrots, so I asked my kids if they'd seen it...

Apparently, she left me two days ago...

Why was the snowman rummaging through the bag of carrots?

He was picking his nose!

What do you call a tomato that self-identifies as a carrot?

A transplant.

Say what you want about carrot top, but fact of the matter is he’s out there making a living as a comedian

You gotta give him props for that

A man gets a hooker and starts going on down on her when he suddenly pulls a small piece of carrot out of his mouth...

...well it's been a while, so undaunted, he continues. After a minute or so, he pulls a small piece of beef out of his mouth. At this point, he has to ask, "Ma'am, are you sick or something?" "No" she replies, "but the guy before you was."

Surely you have heard of Murphy's Law?

Murphy's Law is simply "whatever can go wrong, will go wrong". But have you ever heard of Cole's Law?...

No? Well, cole's law is simply thinly sliced cabbage and carrots served cold with mayonnaise.

A man goes to the doctor with a carrot sticking out of his ear..

a banana in his other ear, spaghetti on his head and a sausage sticking out of his nose.

He says "Doctor, I'm not feeling very well".

Doctor replies "Hmmm, I don't think your eating properly".

What do you call a snowman without a carrot?

Nobody nose.

When buying carrots in a supermarket

i also buy a lubricant, so people don't take me for a vegan.

What do you call a carrot that talks back to you?

A fresh vegetable.

What would a snowman say if he could talk?

"I smell carrots."

An elephant escapes from the circus

It wanders around and eventually ends uo in an old lady's garden eating the vegetables. The old lady came out and had never seen an elephant before nor did she know what it was. Panicked she ran inside and called the police

"Hello, what is your emergency" said the operator

"There is so...

[Repost] carrots may be good for your eyes....

But whiskey will double your vision.

Once upon a time there was a monk, who farmed carrots.

Every day a thief would sneak into his farm and steal 3 carrots. The monk always tried to stop him, but never succeeded. He began to wonder why the thief was stealing exactly 3 carrots each time. He decided he was going to stop the thief. He started chasing him through the fields, but got outran ver...

They say: carrots are good for your eyes...

... but enough alcohol doubles your eyesight ;-))))

A carrot, some corn and a cucumber fell into the ocean.

They are all c foods.

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While a guy is eating a girl out he finds a pea in her vagina

He thinks to himself, “hmm that’s odd..”, but he’s really in the mood and just keeps going to town on her.

After a while he finds a piece of a carrot, and that made him think “there’s something weird going on..”, but he continues anyway.

A few moments later he finds a small chunk of ...

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I walked in on my sister last night masturbating with a carrot.

I shouted, "Fuck, seriously?! I was going to eat that later, but now it will just taste like carrots!"

Mr Carrot was out riding his motorcycle on a beautiful day.

Suddenly a car cuts in front of him and he goes flying off his bike. A few hours later Mrs Carrot gets a call from the hospital. “Mrs. Carrot, this is Dr. Carrot, and I’m calling you to let you know that your husband got into a terrible accident.”

“Oh my gosh, no! Is he ok?” she asks

...

I've been reading this farmer's autobiography and just got to the part where he expands his carrot farm.

The plot thickens.

What is Orange and sounds like a Parrot?

Carrot.

Customer: Is the carrot genetically modified?

Carrot: Why do you ask?

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Apparently, carrots are really good for memory.

10 years ago my uncle put one up his ass and I still still remember it vividly to this day.

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A carrot, a pickle and a penis were talking about their awful lives. The carrot said my life sucks, when i get big and fat they cut me up and cook me. The pickle said when I get big and fat they cover me in vinegar & throw me in a jar.

The penis said, when I get big and fat they pull a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark, damp room and bang my head against the wall till I throw up and pass out!

what do cars eat?

CARrots

I haven't seen this one here before

Late one Friday night, John visits the brothel. As he walks in, he is greeted by all the usual faces.

"Hey John, back again?"

"Johnny boy. Must be payday."

So on and so forth.

Then the Madame of the house spots him and hurries over.

"Mr. John. How lovely to...

What did the rabbit say when he found 24 carrots?

Thanks for the gold!

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A family of carrots, Mama Carrot, Daddy Carrot, and Baby Carrot, were walking down a road when truck swerved and hit baby carrot.

A family of carrots, Mama Carrot, Daddy Carrot, and Baby Carrot, were walking down a road when a truck swerved and hit baby carrot.

They immediately called an ambulance and baby carrot was rushed to the hospital. As Momma Carrot and Daddy Carrot waited in anticipation, they watched as the do...

I have had enough!!! I will never help anyone again...EVER!!!

Yesterday it was so cold out that we took a man into our home out of the kindness of our heart. We felt so sorry for him. Poor thing was trembling out in the cold, but this morning he had just vanished. Not a word...not even a goodbye or a thank you for sheltering him!! The last straw?!?! When I rea...

My dad rewards me when I earn a good report card, but any “C”s are punished with unbearable dad-jokes.

He likes to call it the carrot and schtick method of parenting.

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A wise woman was once asked "What's the difference between hungry and horny?"

She replied "Depends on where I put my carrot".

Source: Sunny Leonne, the goddess.

A man went to a doctors office with carrots sticking out of his nose, and broccoli coming out of his ears.

The doctor took one look at him and said, “Well I can tell right away you‘re not eating right.”

A Man walks into a doctor's Office.

He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear.
“What’s the matter with me?” he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, “You’re not eating properly.”

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So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot.

My first reaction was “Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!” I fucking hate carrots.

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I shoved a carrot up my ass...

It improved my hindsight and made me realize I shouldn't have done it

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot!
I know should not laugh at my own jokes but I still find it funny haha

The oldest joke in the book

Repost of a million people;
Once, there was a baker and a bipedal rabbit.
The rabbit goes into the baker’s shop and asks if they have a carrot cake on stock.
The baker says no.
Later that week, the rabbit goes back and asks if they now have a carrot cake on stock.
The baker still says...

Walked in on my cousin pleasuring herself with a carrot today...

I was mad because I had planned on eating that later, now it’s just gonna taste like carrots..

I ran out of carrots...

So I called a replacement...

But it didn't turnip

A Young Vulture is sick of eating dead things and wants to be a vegetarian...

So he asks his parents whether they can start incorporating some vegetables into their meals.

His father is ashamed of him and says 'No'.

So the young vulture asks if he could bring a carrot to dinner and his mother and father tell him that he is a disgrace to the family and to put the...

What's the difference between Mike Wazowski and a carrot?

One's a bunny feast, and the other is a funny beast.

A man goes to a bar the day before a big competition

He walks up to the bartender and asks for the hardest drink possible.

The bartender gives him the hardest drink and the man shoots it back.

After four drinks the bartender asks “what are you drinking so much for?”

The man says “Well tomorrow I’m going on a TV competition, and ...

What's the difference between a carrot and an antivax kid?

One grows in the ground, the other goes in the ground

Why do sailors eat so many carrots?

It helps them sea better.

What did the carrot say to the cucumber that owed him money?

Hey man, you knew the dill. Now you're in a pickle, and I couldn't carrot all.

Two women were harvesting carrots

One woman pulled out a huge carrot and showed it to the other woman.

"This one reminds me of my husband."

"Oh - so big?"

"No - so dirty."

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Are You Sick?

A man takes a prostitute home for a few hours of fun. He immediately pulls up her dress and starts licking her pussy.

The woman grabs his hair and tells him to lick harder. The man complies but gets a piece of carrot in his mouth from her pussy. He wants to stop but the prostitute is begging...

Dave: Excuse me, sir, is this carrot genetically modified?

Clerk: No, why do you ask?

Carrot: No, really, why do you ask?

Why was the programmer eating carrots?

So that he could C#

My wife caught me chopping up carrots with the Grim Reaper...

...she said “Do you like dicing with death?”

Why do carrots make your sight better?

Because they have Vitamin See.

If a carrot and a lettuce were in a race, who would win?

The lettuce because it's *a head*.

What was the snowman doing in the carrot section of the grocery store?

Picking his nose

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My cat's best friend was a rabbit, but the rabbit passed away today....

...now I have a hare-less pussy!

But seriously, RIP Carrots.

Aldi recently copied Lidl's idea to reduce their prices on courgettes, cucumbers, carrots, celery, celeriac, cabbage and cauliflower, and now they're being fined for breaking piracy laws.

It's because they sale'd the seven Cs.

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Mr. Johnson walks into a doctor's office and says to the doctor, "My penis has turned orange."

The doctor asks to see his penis, and sure enough, Mr. Johnson's penis is as orange as a carrot.

"What's wrong with my penis?" asks Mr. Johnson.

"When someone's penis turns a strange colour," says the doctor, "it's usually because of stress. Have you lost your job recently?"

"Y...

Vegans

A t-Rex met a vegan one day who claimed that she knew the Rex, but he never met herbivore.



Alright I know it’s bad, but I don’t carrot at all. I’ve bean at worse places before.


Btw I would like to state that I believe people can choose to eat whatever they want, and being a...

John says to his friend: did you know, carrots are good for your eyes!

How are you so sure about that? Asks his friend. Well, John replies, have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?

A guy walks into a bar with carrots in his ears

So a guy walks into a bar with carrots in his ears, he takes a seat at the bar, the bartender then notices the carrots in the man's ears. The bartender walks over to the man and asks,
"Why do you have carrots in your ears?"
To which the man replies,
"Sorry, I can't hear you I have carrots ...

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Some guy shoved a carrot up his ass.

Now his hindsight is 20/20.

Credit to some other redditor from a different thread.

What’s the square root of Minecraft?

There’s three, actually. The potatoes, the carrots, and the beetroots.

Carrots have a hard time getting rid of bad habits.

It's a deeply rooted issue.

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Different sayings same thing

1. Having a threesome with a couple of no-shows.

2. DJ the VJ.

3. Dopamine farming.

4. Double clicking your mouse.

 5. Badgering the witness.

6. Summoning the semen demon.

7. Blood bending.

8. Shaking hands with the unemployed.

9. Making Jesus ...

A rabbit walks into a pharmacy

And asks "Do you sell carrots?"

The pharmacist, surprised, responds "No, this is a pharmacy."

The rabbit leaves only to return the next day and ask the same question.

This time, the man responds "As I said before, no. Go to a grocery store."

Again, the rabbit leaves and r...

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There I stood wearing a coat of carrots and a hat made of cauliflower.

"What the fuck is this?" asked my wife.

I said, "You told me to put the vegetables on."

My friend thought he was being smart, and said “Onions are the only food that makes you cry”.

So I shoved a carrot up his ass

I went to Coles to buy a cabbage but apparently it’s a legal requirement to buy mayonnaise and carrots too.

It’s Coles Law.

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

I had a dream I was attacked in my kitchen by a giant head of cabbage. I grabbed a knife and stabbed, hacked, and slashed at it, but it still kept coming! I threw a jar of mayonnaise at it, to no avail -- then I hurled a bag of carrots, but nothing would stop it! In the end...

I fought the slaw and the slaw won.

A man gives a kid baby carrots on Halloween.

The kid hands them back.
The man says, "why did you do that?
The kid says,"exactly."

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Eden garden (Translate from my birth language)

3 friends died in a car accident and arrived at the gate. St-Peter is there to greet them.
He told them, that to cross the gate, they all have to pick up a fruit or a vegetable in the eden garden.
The first one arrive with a carrot. St-Peter told him that to enter heaven, he must put the ent...

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This cucumber, a carrot and a penis were all discussing which one of them had the worst life.

The cucumber says: "man, my life sucks. The first part of my life I spent in the dirt, and now I'm stuck in a freezer waiting for someone to chop me up and toss me on that salad. It doesn't get worse than this."

The carrot says: "oh yeah, look at my life. I also spent the first part of my l...

TIL Humans eat more carrots than rabbits

I can't remember the last time I ate a rabbit

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A lion calls animals for a meeting

A lion calls animals for a meeting. "Everyone, I'm very hungry, so every one of you brings me a big piece of meat. If someone won't bring a big piece of meat, I'll beat them with my dick!" Everyone runs away. After a while they're coming back. A female deer brings a big piece of meat. Lion eats it a...

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Two friends walk into a bar

The bartender greets them with a smile and a “What’ll it be boys?”
Friend one speaks up “You know what? I’m not sure. Got anything special?”

The bartender smiles and tosses him an apple.

“What the hell is this?” He cries.
“Just trust me,” says the bartender with a wink.

A...

Why are potatoes better than your vision than carrots?

Because they start their life in an eye.

Carrot Stuck....

Is the past tense of Carrot Stick.

Unfortunately, my wife did not appreciate this as she was gesturing to her throat and coughing.

My friend made a flute out of a carrot...

It was impressive, and if you gave her some sheet music, she would show you just how well it played.

My other friend, who's a bit competitive, made an oboe out of corn. He said he could play anything by ear.

One day, two carrots were walking down the street...

They were the best of friends.

Just as they started to step off the curb, a car came speeding around the corner and ran one of them over.

The unhurt carrot called an ambulance and helped his friend as best he could.

He was rushed away and taken to the emergecy room at the hos...

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A virgin goes to a brothel...

He finds a nice young lady and the two go into a back room. He's never done this type of thing before so the hooker instructs him on what to do, telling him to begin by eating her out.

The man does as he's told, but while orally pleasuring her he comes across a piece of a carrot. He thinks t...

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