UPJOKE
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I spent an hour looking for that thing that peels the potatoes and carrots.

Then I realised she's at work.

A man is walking his pet carrot

As he’s walking his pet carrot it gets hit by a car. After rushing to the ER the man paces the waiting room as the doctor comes out exhausted from surgery. “Doctor, is my carrot alive are they ok?” The doctors sighs. “I have good news and bad news. The good news is your pet carrot is alive” the man ...

Did you hear about the carpenter on a carrot farm who ran out of wood?

Did you hear about the carpenter on a carrot farm who ran out of wood, so he had to start using carrots to make tables?

It turns out he wasn't just good with wood, he was also good with Vege Tables.

my wife put a carrot in her you-know-what yesterday

I was gonna eat that and now it tastes like carrot

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I share an apartment with my sister, and walked in on her...

...masturbating with a large carrot I bought.

I said "Cindy, that's disgusting. I was gonna eat that later! Now it's going to taste like carrot!"

What do you call a chicken in a dinghy full of tomato sauce, using carrots for oars, chasing a British Conservative fleeing Brexit?

Chicken Cacciatore

What's invisible and smells like carrots?

Bunny farts!

I couldn’t find the thingy that peels potatoes and carrots, so I asked my kids if they'd seen it...

Apparently, she left me two days ago...

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A man walks into the Doctor with a carrot in his ear, a runner bean in the other and a cucumber up his arse

'Well' says the Doctor 'You're clearly not eating properly'

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The local brothel is hiring

This to be told at parties - needs to have women in the audience.

So, the local brothel has been losing business for a while and the owner thought it's time to add some new faces to shore up some business. She had 3 rooms open and could hire 3 more girls.

She puts up an ad on the loc...

The Grim Reaper appeared beside me when I was chopping some carrots in the kitchen.

He took his scythe and started chopping the carrots with me....

Very scary, when you are dicing with death.

Two women were harvesting carrots.

One of them pulled a huge carrot from the ground and exclaimed "This one reminds me of my husband!"

"So large?" asked her friend.

"No - so dirty."

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Travelling salesman

There was a travelling salesmen who had the job since he was he was seventeen so was constantly on the road, and had only ever slept with prostitutes his whole life. Due to this fact he had never went down on a woman for fear of where they might have been, although it was something he always desired...

What do you call a tomato that self-identifies as a carrot?

A Transplant.

What did the snowman say to the aggressive carrot?

Get out of my face!

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

Carrots are a great thing to eat

when you are hungry and want to stay that way.

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A rabbit walks into a pharmacy

“Carrots, have you got carrots?”, he asks.

The pharmacist replies: “No, this is a pharmacy. If you want carrots you should check out the grocery store.”

On the next day the rabbit comes back and asks: “Carrots, have you got carrots?”

The pharmacist replies: “No, I told you yeste...

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Struggles of passwords

Struggles of passwords

"Set password:"

carrot

"Password must be at least 8 characters."

boiled carrot

"Password must contain at least 1 number."

1 boiled carrot

"Password cannot contain spaces."

50boiledcarrots

"Password must contain at ...

what's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot

How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?

Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses

What did the celery say to the carrot?

You've got a point.


Credit to my niece

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What's invisible and smells like carrots?

Rabbit Farts..

My 7 yr. old neice told me this the other day, and I bout lost my shit..lolol

What do you call carrots with a vendetta?

Revengetables

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Carrot, cucumber, penis at a group therapy session.

The cucumber tells the group “ my life is so terrible people put me in a jar liquid and set me on a shelf for months and mutate me into something completely different” The carrot says no my life is way worse, people skin me alive, & eat my babies!” The penis pipes up and says “I think my life is...

Once upon a time there was a monk, who farmed carrots.

Every day a thief would sneak into his farm and steal 3 carrots. The monk always tried to stop him, but never succeeded. He began to wonder why the thief was stealing exactly 3 carrots each time. He decided he was going to stop the thief. He started chasing him through the fields, but got outran ver...

What do you call a snowman without a carrot?

Nobody nose.

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Eleanor and Gertrude were harvesting carrots in the garden

After a while, Gertrude pulls out a massive carrot, as long as her arm, covered in dirt.

"Now see here, Eleanor, this is like my man's."

"That big?!"

"No, that dirty."

What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear?

14 carrot gold

What do you call a carrot that talks back to you?

A fresh vegetable.

A carrot, some corn and a cucumber fell into the ocean.

They are all c foods.

You destroyed my garden? Eh, no worries.

I don’t carrot all.

help decode this joke please.

I asked Alexa to tell me a joke. And she replied-

"Once I tried to chop a carrot with a dull knife. But, no diced."

I have been trying to find the hidden humor in this joke but I can't. Feeling desperate now. Please help. Lol.

Oldest cake joke

A rabbit visits a bakery and asks if they make carrot cake.

The baker says they don't, so the rabbit buys a key lime pie.

This repeats several days until the baker is sick of it and decides to try making one.

The next time the rabbit enters, the baker proudly tells that they do ...

I ran out of carrots...

So I called a replacement...

But it didn't turnip

Say what you want about carrot top, but fact of the matter is he’s out there making a living as a comedian

You gotta give him props for that

Why was the snowman rummaging through the bag of carrots?

He was picking his nose!

A little boy was diligently reading his book when he suddenly asked, "Mum, how do rabbits bark?"

His mother looks up in surprise. "Rabbits don't bark, dear", she says.

"That's odd", says the boy, "Here it is written that rabbits eat carrots and bark."

A man went to a doctors office with carrots sticking out of his nose, and broccoli coming out of his ears.

The doctor took one look at him and said, “Well I can tell right away you‘re not eating right.”

I've been reading this farmer's autobiography and just got to the part where he expands his carrot farm.

The plot thickens.

Mr Carrot was out riding his motorcycle on a beautiful day.

Suddenly a car cuts in front of him and he goes flying off his bike. A few hours later Mrs Carrot gets a call from the hospital. “Mrs. Carrot, this is Dr. Carrot, and I’m calling you to let you know that your husband got into a terrible accident.”

“Oh my gosh, no! Is he ok?” she asks

...

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Farmer Greg

A seasoned farmer named Greg had finally mastered his craft. He toiled day and night to understand every detail to growing the perfect crop. After 30 years he had made enough money to retire, but Greg wanted more. He wanted local recognition and fame.


So he decided to grow the state’s ...

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A carrot, a pickle and a penis were talking about their awful lives. The carrot said my life sucks, when i get big and fat they cut me up and cook me. The pickle said when I get big and fat they cover me in vinegar & throw me in a jar.

The penis said, when I get big and fat they pull a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark, damp room and bang my head against the wall till I throw up and pass out!

A man gets a hooker and starts going on down on her when he suddenly pulls a small piece of carrot out of his mouth...

...well it's been a while, so undaunted, he continues. After a minute or so, he pulls a small piece of beef out of his mouth. At this point, he has to ask, "Ma'am, are you sick or something?" "No" she replies, "but the guy before you was."

They say: carrots are good for your eyes...

... but enough alcohol doubles your eyesight ;-))))

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I shoved a carrot up my ass...

It improved my hindsight and made me realize I shouldn't have done it

A man goes to the doctor with a carrot sticking out of his ear..

a banana in his other ear, spaghetti on his head and a sausage sticking out of his nose.

He says "Doctor, I'm not feeling very well".

Doctor replies "Hmmm, I don't think your eating properly".

When buying carrots in a supermarket

i also buy a lubricant, so people don't take me for a vegan.

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My grandad sent me this

Enjoy the fun & the pun.



Q: Can February March?

A: No. But April May!



Q: Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalised?

A: Reports say it was due to too many strokes!



Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter?

A: I better ...

What was the snowman doing in the carrot section of the grocery store?

Picking his nose

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Apparently, carrots are really good for memory.

10 years ago my uncle put one up his ass and I still still remember it vividly to this day.

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?

"Do you smell carrots?"

A rabbit escaped from a lab.

While on his way, he found a group of rabbits who asked him to stay. Not wanting to refuse the offer, he asked them, what was so special about the place.

The leader of the group says - If you go through that fence, there is a whole field of carrots ready to eat to your content.

So, he ...

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A family of carrots, Mama Carrot, Daddy Carrot, and Baby Carrot, were walking down a road when truck swerved and hit baby carrot.

A family of carrots, Mama Carrot, Daddy Carrot, and Baby Carrot, were walking down a road when a truck swerved and hit baby carrot.

They immediately called an ambulance and baby carrot was rushed to the hospital. As Momma Carrot and Daddy Carrot waited in anticipation, they watched as the do...

Customer: Is the carrot genetically modified?

Carrot: Why do you ask?

[Repost] carrots may be good for your eyes....

But whiskey will double your vision.

Walked in on my cousin pleasuring herself with a carrot today...

I was mad because I had planned on eating that later, now it’s just gonna taste like carrots..

What did the carrot say to the cucumber that owed him money?

Hey man, you knew the dill. Now you're in a pickle, and I couldn't carrot all.

Why do sailors eat so many carrots?

It helps them sea better.

Dave: Excuse me, sir, is this carrot genetically modified?

Clerk: No, why do you ask?

Carrot: No, really, why do you ask?

A man goes to the doctor with a carrot in his nose, cabbage in his ears and ham over his eyes. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.

The doctor replies “Well it looks like you’re not eating right.”

What did the rabbit say when he found 24 carrots?

Thanks for the gold!

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Some guy shoved a carrot up his ass.

Now his hindsight is 20/20.

Credit to some other redditor from a different thread.

A man goes to a bakery

He tells the baker that he needs a cake, but doesn’t know what flavor.

The baker offers to let the man try all of his cake flavors.

The man tries chocolate, strawberry, lemon, raspberry, German chocolate, vanilla, blueberry, red velvet, carrot, and marble.

After finishing the l...

A guy walks into a bar with carrots in his ears

So a guy walks into a bar with carrots in his ears, he takes a seat at the bar, the bartender then notices the carrots in the man's ears. The bartender walks over to the man and asks,
"Why do you have carrots in your ears?"
To which the man replies,
"Sorry, I can't hear you I have carrots ...

Why was the programmer eating carrots?

So that he could C#

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up in front of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antelope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood in front of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

What's the difference between Mike Wazowski and a carrot?

One's a bunny feast, and the other is a funny beast.

Why do carrots make your sight better?

Because they have Vitamin See.

Two snowmen are talking

One says to the other, "Do you smell carrots?"

My friend made a flute out of a carrot...

It was impressive, and if you gave her some sheet music, she would show you just how well it played.

My other friend, who's a bit competitive, made an oboe out of corn. He said he could play anything by ear.

These Farmers got arrested!

Did you hear why the celery farmer got arrested?

For stalking

Did you hear about the hay farmer that got arrested?

He’s out on bail

Did you hear about the root vegetable farmer that got arrested?

He beet up his friend with a potato and didn’t carrot all.

Aldi recently copied Lidl's idea to reduce their prices on courgettes, cucumbers, carrots, celery, celeriac, cabbage and cauliflower, and now they're being fined for breaking piracy laws.

It's because they sale'd the seven Cs.

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There I stood wearing a coat of carrots and a hat made of cauliflower.

"What the fuck is this?" asked my wife.

I said, "You told me to put the vegetables on."

You know Murphy's Law. It's "If something can go wrong, it will", but do you know Cole's law? It's...

shredded cabbage, mayonnaise, maybe some carrot.

What's the difference between a carrot and an antivax kid?

One grows in the ground, the other goes in the ground

I went to Coles to buy a cabbage but apparently it’s a legal requirement to buy mayonnaise and carrots too.

It’s Coles Law.

What's the difference between a rabbit on a treadmill and a rabbit with a carrot stuck up its nose?

One is a fit bunny and the other is a bit funny

John says to his friend: did you know, carrots are good for your eyes!

How are you so sure about that? Asks his friend. Well, John replies, have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?

TIL Humans eat more carrots than rabbits

I can't remember the last time I ate a rabbit

Carrot Stuck....

Is the past tense of Carrot Stick.

Unfortunately, my wife did not appreciate this as she was gesturing to her throat and coughing.

I had a dream I was attacked in my kitchen by a giant head of cabbage. I grabbed a knife and stabbed, hacked, and slashed at it, but it still kept coming! I threw a jar of mayonnaise at it, to no avail -- then I hurled a bag of carrots, but nothing would stop it! In the end...

I fought the slaw and the slaw won.

One day, two carrots were walking down the street...

They were the best of friends.

Just as they started to step off the curb, a car came speeding around the corner and ran one of them over.

The unhurt carrot called an ambulance and helped his friend as best he could.

He was rushed away and taken to the emergecy room at the hos...

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