President Trump just banned shredded cheeses.

He wants to Make America Grate Again

Do you think Mr. Cheese has been going to the gym?

I mean look at him, he's shredded!

What do you have if you're intolerant to cheese?

You have allercheese.

Cutting down a tree with a block of cheese is easy.

You just gotta make sure it's extra sharp.

A cheese sandwich is better than complete happiness

Because nothing is better than complete happiness, and a cheese sandwich is better than nothing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher asked a white student, a black student and a Mexican student to use the words "cheese" and "liver" in a sentence

The white kid answered, "My mom made liver and cheese for dinner".

The teacher said that was very good.

The black kid said, "I would never eat cheese on liver, that is gross."

The teacher said that was very good.

The Mexican kid says if some dude tried to step to my girl ...

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?

There was nothing left but de Brie.

Why did Trump ban pre-grated cheese?

He wanted to Make America Grate Again

Which guy does cheese always root for?

Volone. The cheese is provolone.

My wife said she would divorce me if I didn't stop my cheese related puns.

It's no fondue be married to such a Munster anyways.

A woman wanted to buy a bagel with cream cheese at my deli.

I told her we only take cash or card.

Sweet dreams are made of cheese.

\-Who am I to dissabrie?

I've had a hard time figuring out why I don't consider cottage cheese truly "cheese"

But it just a curd to me

What kind of cheese do skateboarders eat?

Shredded cheese.

What is a golfer's favorite type of cheese?

Par-mesean

What do you call it when someone inhaled cheese?

Brie-thing

A man tried to start a fight by throwing dough, shredded cheese, and tomato sauce at me.

So I said, “You wanna pizza me?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who's sexually attracted to Greek cheese?

A Feta-shist

Did you know Mandalorians love blue-milk cottage cheese?

This is the whey.

A man attacked me with milk and cheese

How Dairy?

What do you get when you mix Swiss Cheese and avocados?

Holy Guacamole!

I just had some cheese dip and got an upset stomach

Turns out it was a bad queso gas.

What do lactose intolerant people call a collection of meat and cheese?

A shart tootery board

what’s it called when you eat cheese all by yourself?

prov-alone

In a small South American village, a man was putting the final touches on a new cheese recipe…

The man, a chemist, was surprised at the secret ingredients that made it so delicious: sodium, carbon, hydrogen, and oxygen.

“Now I just need to give it a name…” he thought.

Suddenly, a burglar dropped out of nowhere and snagged the vat of cheesy goodness!

“STOP!” the man shoute...

What is an I.R.A sniper's favorite cheese?

Provo-lone

What did the teenager say when his friend told him that mexico had liquid cheese used for dipping?

"Kay, so?"

Why is stuffed crust from Alabama?

Because the cheese is in-bread

Why didn't the cheese wantto get sliced?

It had grater plans

Apparently, due to COVID Germany is running low on sausage and cheese.

The government considers this to be the Wurst Käse scenario

What type of cheese will always hurt your tummy?

OUCHIES!!

Did you know you can borrow cheese from the bank in Utah?

Yeah, it's called a Provo-loan

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I spiced up our sex-life with some flavoured condoms....

My missus said, "Wow! This one tastes just like cheese and onion".
I said, "I haven't put it on yet"

Why do germans always carry cheese on them?

Just in käse…

What's Medusa's favorite cheese?

*Gorgonzola*!



....



OK, I'll show myself out.....

how do you approach an angry Welsh cheese?

Caerphilly

Germany is telling its citizens to stock up on sausages and cheese as fear of COVID grows.

It's the wurst-kase scenario.

Him "I know we agreed to trade my cheese for your chicken, but I forgot the cheese at home. Will you still give me the chicken?"

Her "Absolutely not! You know what they say: 'No parm, no fowl!'".

Why is the swiss cheese afraid of the dark?

Because it's afraid of a muenster in the closet

The Special

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What's the special tonight?" he asks the bartender. "It's our blue cheese bacon burger," the bartender replies. "Do you want to try one?" "Nah. I hate blue cheese," the guy replies. "I mean it's literally just cheese full of bacteria." "Hey," the bartender ...

the worm protector of the world

there’s this worm guarding the world, let’s call him Nate. Nate’s amazing. he’s been around for all of time, protecting the lever on a side of a mountain that’s always been “on”. Nate’s never let it switch to “off”, and that’s a good thing.

Nate is famous, as he should be, and although there...

A white guy, a black guy, and a mexican guy applying for the same job......

The boss looks over their resumes, sees they are all equally qualified, and can't decide who to hire. He decides to give them a test.

Boss: Fellas, I can't decide who gets the job, you are all equal in
every way. So here's a question, whoever gives me the best
an...

Man: Why should I stop eating deep fried cheese because you heard something in your horoscope?

Doctor: Once again, it’s stethoscope.

Mac‘n‘cheese

Two men are lost in a desert. They have been walking for days and are absolutely famished. All of a sudden they come across a human corpse lying there.

After some quick thinking the first guy has an idea: „Lets open his stomach, there‘s probably some food in there!“

So he does.. As h...

What do they call a Double Quarter Pounder with cheese, large fries, and a Diet Coke in France?

"The American Weight Loss Plan."

What do you call it when an italian cheese makes music

Mozz-art

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Jew is walking home from work

An old Jew is walking home from work and passes a fancy restaurant. He looks in the window and sees rich people talking and laughing as they eat delicious cheese blintzes.

The old man is inspired: "blintzes for dinner!" and continues his long walk home. When he gets home, he announced to his ...

I just ate out my girl with a side of meat and cheese

I call it CharCooterie

The double quarter pounder with cheese from McDonald’s holds a special place in my heart.

Mainly in the Coronary artery.

What do you call a cheese factory from the Middle East?

Cheeses of Nazareth

Last October, I was walking through the cemetery.

I came across a trash can where someone had thrown out their Kraft Halloween monster themed mac and cheese...

It was the mac.

It was the monster mac.

the monster mac

was in the graveyard trash.



Thanks mom for this more obscure one

What did the cheese say before it got shredded?

Grate.

How did the Mexican cheese factory report an equipment malfunction?

No whey, Hose A.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three rats are at a bar telling stories on how tough they are....

The first rat takes a shot and says, "Whenever I find rat poison, I like to crush it up and do lines just to get a good buzz for the day."
The second rat takes a shot and says, "That's nothing! Whenever I find cheese on a mousetrap, I purposely trip the spring & right before I get crushed I ...

Breaking news: Germany is advising people to stock up on sausages and cheese.

This is starting to look like the Wurst Käse scenario.

Did you guys hear about the cheese shop explosion in France?

Da bries went *everywhere*

I’m so busy with Covid and homeschool that I forgot to drain the kids mac & cheese.

Next time I'll set a Google Colander reminder...

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar which read: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50, Chicken Sandwich: $2.50, Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

“Yes?” she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

I was wondering, whispers the man, "are you t...

A man is in peril, he’s just robbed a cheese shop...

And the police are closing in. From his pockets, he dumps all the Gruyere, all of the Cotswald, all of the Petit Basque. As he flees, chunks of Manchego and Ossau Iraty fly from his pockets... he flings the Roquefort, but it breaks up in his pocket and is sticky... he can’t get it out. He is stuck, ...

Which cheese do you use to hide a small horse ?

Mascarpone

You know what they call Squid Game in France?

A Battle Royale with Cheese.

Cheese Sword

My friend found a cheddar sword, and I asked him "is it sharp"

A young French boy comes home with a wheel of cheese that he found.

His mother says, “Merci! Where did you find this Brillat-Savarin?”

The boy says, “No mommy, it’s nacho cheese.”

His mother says, “Are you sure? It says Brillat-Savarin on the label.”

“I know,” says the boy, “but when I found it, I heard a voice yell at me and say, ‘Hey, that’s n...

What is Medusa’s favourite kind of cheese?

Gorgonzola

Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday...

He said it's the most violent book he's ever read.

What breed of horse is made out of cheese?

A mascapony

What is a nun's favourite type of cheese?

Swiss cheese, cuz they're holey

Went to my local sandwich shop and asked for “a sub filled to the brim with cheese and baloney”

They just linked me to r/jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was this famous cheese maker

He made this cheese that would expanded grow when melted.
He was driving while drinking scotch and got into a accident with a school bus. The court case going as expected he was sentenced to death by electrocution. As a last meal request he asked for a quarter of a wheel of his world famous chee...

What is the LOST cast's favorite cheese?

Smoked Muenster.

I saw a man kicking a gallon of milk down the isle while throwing a big bag of cheese around complaining about the cleanliness of the store and I thought to myself

How dairy.

What do you call cheese made out of clay?

Terracottage cheese!

Did you hear PBR is coming out with a new beer cheese spread?

Its called Pabst-Schmear

(6yo nephew came to me and blurted) What does the cheese say to the other cheese passing by ?

Have a grate day.

What's a guitarist favour type of cheese?

Shredded cheese

What did Ryu and Ken find at Chuck-E-Cheese?

**HA TOKEN!**

**- - -**

(Street Fighter joke, but I know my fellow nerds lurk this sub)

Pricey Pies

Did you know a pork pie in Aruba costs $1.50? A cheese and spinach pie will cost you $2.60 in Barbados. An apple pie is only $1.30 in Jamaica whereas a pecan pie will set you back $3.50 in Grenada.



And those are the pie rates of the Carribean.

My Canadian friend eats a bowl of fries, cheese curds and brown gravy every single morning.

It's just his daily poutine.

I cut my finger chopping cheese...

I think that may have grater problems

What do you call a "Grilled Cheese" after a few days in the fridge?

Chilled Grease

Updoot for blue cheese day! Yayy

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike.

There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I’m stuck here holding my rod.

A bear walks into a restaurant. He tells his waiter, “I want a grilled ... cheese.”

The waiter says, “What’s with the pause?”

“What do you mean?” The bear replies. “I am a bear!”

What did the chefs say when they allow the cheese to be shred?

Parmesan grated.

Where does Swiss cheese come from, Robin?

Robin: Holey cows, Batman!

What did the cheese say to when it saw itself in the mirror?

Hallou mi

Every time my mom burns my grilled cheese sandwich I get a stomach ache...

I guess I’m black toast intolerant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly Rabbi and an elderly Priest are good friends in the retirement home.

One day the priest asks, "So tell me, Benjamin, be honest now, have you ever had bacon?" The old rabbi sighs and leans back, "Ashamedly yes. One day, In my youth, I gave into temptation and had bacon wrapped shrimp with cheese sauce....Now tell me Sean, be honest now, have you ever had sex?" The old...

A husband comes home and says to his wife "I just bought condoms with taste. Let's turn off the light, and then you can guess what flavor it is." So they turned off the lights and...

The wife asks: "Is it cheese and tuna flavor?"

The Husband says: "Take it easy, let me put it on first"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A chance to escape Hell

The other day Bubba and I were walking around town when, out of nowhere, we get run over by a truck and die, and we both go straight to hell.

In hell, I'm greeted by the devil, who tells me that I have two choices: I can either stay in hell being tortured for all of eternity, or I can have se...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are jews circumcised?

Because its not kosher to mix cheese with meat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a cheese shop

"Welcome to the towns greatest cheese shop. We have all that you might want. So, what will it be?" asks the clerk.

"Nacho cheese" responds the man

Suddenly angry, the clerk shouts at the man: "Then why the fuck are you here!"

What did the piece of cheese say to the Starbucks barista?

Can we Havarti?

Because of his loss in Wisconsin, Trump has put a ban on all shredded cheese.

It's the only way he can make America GRATE again.

Credit to my 12 year old son.

If Trump wins a second term he will halt all shredded cheese production.

He is going to make Americans grate again . . .

What did the passive aggressive cheese say?

Queso? (K......so?)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Simple Economics

SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISMYou hav...

I put way too much cheese in my omelet this morning...

I needed to take a brie-ther afterwards.

How does Mr. Miyagi eat his Babybel cheese?

Wax on, or wax off?

A wedding photographer was tragically killed today when a 250lb wheel of cheese fell off the catering lorry and crushed him.

All the guests tried frantically to warn him, but to no avail.

What’s the spookiest kind of cheese?

Scream cheese.

was at a restaurant the other day and overheard this conversation. Customer: "I don't eat honey, eggs, cheese, dairy or any meat products. What can I get?"

Waiter: "You can get the hell out of here"

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrig...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to make macaroni and cheese

Boil a pot of water, put pasta in water and wait until soft.

Drain water from pasta.

Go into trash can to retrieve box because you forgot how much butter to add

add butter and mix

go back into trash to retrieve box because you forgot how much milk to add

add milk a...

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