Handjobs [nsfw]

A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:

"Cheeseburgers: $5

Fries: $3

Handjobs: $10."

He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"

"Yes, I am," she replies seductivel...

I heard Donald Trump is going to ban shredded cheese.

Part of his plan to make America grate again.

Did you hear about that celebrity who got caught stealing a whole bunch of cheese?

True story, it was Brie Larson.

What’s the difference between America and cheese?

If you leave cheese by itself for 200 years, it grows a culture.

Did you hear about the explosion at a cheese factory in France?

All that was left was debrie

My friend sneaked up behind me, and hit me over the head with a block of cheese

I said “Oh that’s very mature.”

I was walking home and someone threw a block of cheese out of their window hit me on the head

I turned and shouted that wasn’t very mature was it

I like my women like I like my cheese...

Aged, White, and Covered in holes.

I once asked a cheese maker if there was any way he could make me a block of cheddar using soy milk.

Hey said, "I'm sorry, but there's no whey."

If Steve jobs invented mac, did he also invent cheese?

(an actual original joke)

So, there I was buying cheese in a deli.

Me: what would you recommend?

Deli person: *describing cheeses*
Mozzarella is smooth and melts well.

Me: sounds good .

Deli person: cheddar is good for sandwiches if you're looking for a sharp tang.

Me: awesome, noted.

Deli person: Pepper Jack is like Monterey ...

Dr. Frankenstein is experimenting with a new monster made with a cheese body.

It's Frankenstein's Muenster.

Milk, cheese and yogurt may be different products

But their origins are udderly similar.

What's a basketball player's favourite kind of cheese?

Swissh

How many vegans does it take to eat a cheese and bacon burger?

One as long as noone is watching.

When I was of 6, Mom would send me down to the corner store with $10 and I would get 5 bags of potato chips, 2 loaves of bread, 3 pack of milk, some cheese and 6 eggs.

You can't do that now, too many damn security cameras!

I was walking down the street when a group of kids threw a block of cheese off me, they burst into laughter and I yelled

“That’s not mature is it”

I cut my mouth on cheese.

My wife must've bought the extra sharp cheddar.

What kind of cheese can you use to hide a tiny horse?

Mascarpone.

Helen Keller once described a cheese grater...

...as "the most violent book I've ever read."

I like my jokes like I like my Chuck E Cheese pizza.

Recycled.

The cheese industry is led by an illusive, secret cabal

They're called the Hallouminati

What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?

Nacho cheese

You probably know how most cheese is produced, and the steps taken to make the different varieties of cheese,

but did you know Edam is made backwards?

A cheese factory exploded recently..

...Unfortunately, nothing could be salvaged except for de-brie.

My local Trump-supporting grocery store has stopped selling all pre-shredded cheeses

... they want to make America grate again

Did anyone else hear about the Vatican naming swiss as the official cheese for christianity?

Yea that's right, it's the holiest of cheeses.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into the bar and sees a sign: Handjob: $5 Cheese sandwich: $2

He walks over to the bartender, a big boobied blonde, and asks,

“Are you the one giving out handjobs?”

“Why yes I am!”, she replied, smiling and sticking out her chest.

“Okay,” he said. “Now wash your hands and make me a cheese sandwich!”

What cheese is made backwards?

Edam

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

Quarter pounder with cheese.

I just got attacked by someone with milk and cheese

How dairy.

What is a KKK member’s favorite cheese?

White American

Did you hear about the Marvel superhero that got busted for stealing a truck full of soft French Cheese?

It was brie larceny.

I was hanging out with my friend from Mexico the other day and he asked me how runny I like my cottage cheese.

I told him "No whey, Jose"

A cheese walks into a bar...

...the Barman says we don’t serve your rind in here.

What's a cheese race called?

A grand bree

How do you turn milk into cheese?

Put it in solid dairy confinement.

Two guys are walking down the street in Florida and they see a sign outside a bar that says "10 cent Martinis" and they decide to go in. They don't believe it, but decide to order anyway. The bartender makes two large Belvedere martinis with blue cheese olives and says "That will be 20 cents."

The two guys can't believe it, but drink up and order again. While the bartender is making the drinks, they ask him "How can you afford to do this?" The bartender responds, "I always wanted to own a bar where people could drink cheaply and then I won the lottery." One of the patrons responded, "That...

Say “cheese.”

Person I just met: So, what do you do for a living?

Me: I take professional headshots.

Person: Oh, you’re a photographer?

Me: (tucks sniper rifle behind my back) No, not exactly...

I told my friend the secret cheese joke

He said "that's a Gouda one"

[BREAKING NEWS] A bomb has just exploded in a Paris cheese shop.

Eyewitnesses report there is currently de Brie all over the place.

I was caught breaking into a cheese factory with a lock pick and a large stone.

The guard that caught me said "I get the lock pick but what's the Roquefort?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call nacho cheese that isn’t yours?

Wait... crap... let me try that again.

What’s Medusa’s favorite cheese?

Gorgonzola.

Why do Germans fear getting cheese in their hotdogs?

Because for them it's considered to be a Wurst-Käse scenario.

Which Star Wars character is obsessed with cheese?

Boba Feta.

My dad compared his relationship with my mom to cheese

He said it's slowly degrating.

I had a job where I had to put shredded cheese back together

It was the most de-grating job I've ever had.

What did the yoghurt say to the cheese?

Ah, I see you’re a man of culture as well.

I've got an addiction to cheddar cheese.

Its only mild though.

I like my women like I like my pizza cheese

Greased up and extra thick.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After the war, Anne Frank went on to become a very successful farmer. She became famous for producing all sorts of goods including milk, cheese, and the most amazing butter.

It was the Dairy of Anne Frank.

I was in my house last night, and at around midnight I heard a smash. I ran downstairs and someone had thrown a block of cheese through my window....

Looked at it and thought, that's mature

My worst joke ever told

What do you call the fallout of a cheese nuke? Debrie.

How does the Cheese Detective choose his clients?

On a queso by queso basis.

What is the only cheese allowed at the Vatican?

Swiss, it's holy.

What kind of milk do you use to make Swiss cheese?

Hole milk.

I tried making French cheese

But I failed. The cows had been given too many antibrieotics ...

Two cheeses are walking through the woods when they hear a spooky sound. One cheese turns to the other and shouts...

Ricotta g-ouda here!!!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.

He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:

Hamburger - 2.99

Cheeseburger - 3.99

Chicken Sandwich - 4.99

Hand Jobs - 19.99

The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at th...

What do I have in common with processed cheese?

We're both Singles.

A vegan was flying to Germany and discovered the airline had forgotten his special meal. He had no choice but to eat the only meal available: sausage and cheese.

It was a Wurst-Käse scenario.

Which cheese is made backwards?

Edam is, naturally enough!

​

(shoot him Kurt)

whats so good about thin strips of cheese?

I don't know. It's just grate.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms ...

What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror?

Hallou-mi

I’ve got to get into shape for my new job as a cheese grater.

I’ve got to get shredded.

What do you call a person that knows a lot about cheese?

A cheese wiz!

Did you guys hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?

Da brie was everywhere!

It’s going to cost them a lot of cheddar!

Luckily they have a Swiss account saved up.

It surely won’t be gouda.

It even destroyed their onsite cottage!

Why did the Italian Homer Simpson buy his wife cheese?

Because it was Formaggio

Turkey has just banned cheese...

It seems they have issues with the curds.

I don't like cheese...

Maybe I'm just uncultured.

Someone asked why I keep a bunch of cheese in my pocket

I said it’s there in queso emergency

I cut my finger while cutting cheese

But I think I may have GRATER problems

What is better than Cheese?

A Cheese Greater.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man broke into my house last night, and he stole my cheese, milk, ice cream, yogurt, and butter.

How dairy.

Europeans revere the art of cheesemaking.

But Swiss cheese is holy.

In Roman Catholicism who invented Cheese?

Cheesus
(I'm really high so I apologize if this joke makes no sense)

God asks a programmer to decide between eternal life and bliss or a cheese sandwich.

The programmer says he must think about it for a bit which confuses god a bit since it’s a no brainer and more of a joke question, but he agrees.

After a while he comes back and says “I’ll take the cheese sandwich, thank you”

God now even more confused, asks how he came to that decisio...

In the cheese competition, who is the judge?

The cheese grader

I've been trying to make a joke about swiss cheese...

But the joke has too many holes.

​

I know that was a cheesy joke. Most people aren't really that fondu of them. It's rare for them to be gouda jokes. You may think of me as a muenster for these jokes, and that I could do cheddar than this. I mean no parm in these puns. Alrig...

What's Captain Marvel's favorite cheese?

Brie.

What’s Dr.Frankenstein’s favourite cheese?

Monsterella

When I was visiting Mexico, I found it strange that they would keep cheese in their first aid kits.

Turns out it was just there in queso emergency.

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

Chicken Sandwich:$1.50

Cheese Sandwich:$2.50

Hand Job:$10.00


He walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager looking group of men.

' Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile. 'Can I help you?'

'I...

The moon may not be made of cheese

but I bet it tastes out of this world