UPJOKE
curdparmesanmozzarellabriemilkcamembertcheddar cheesegoatcheddarcottage cheesegoat cheesecowfetavinegargouda

President Trump just banned shredded cheeses.

He wants to Make America Grate Again

Do you think Mr. Cheese has been going to the gym?

I mean look at him, he's shredded!

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?

There was nothing left but de Brie.

Did you hear about the cheese who works out?

Did you hear about the cheese who works out?

It was shredded.

Republicans in Congress have proposed a bill to ban the sale of shredded cheese in supermarkets across the country

They want to Make America Grate Again.

People who don’t eat cheese because they are lactose intolerant…

…need to learn to be more accepting of different cultures

Someone told me they could tell better cheese puns than me.

I told him to leave the provalone.

What do you have if you're intolerant to cheese?

You have allercheese.

Cutting down a tree with a block of cheese is easy.

You just gotta make sure it's extra sharp.

I was in the supermarket when I saw a man throwing milk and cheese everywhere

I thought “how dairy”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats good on pizza but not on pussy?

crust.





edit: yall keep making better jokes in the comments LMAO

possible answers : red sauce, white sauce, yeast, cheese, senior discount (wtf), crabs, hot sauce, mushrooms. damn yall are just funnier than me lol

What’s a cheese’s favorite guitarist?

Curd Cobain

You know what they call a quarter pounder with cheese in Russia?

A wish.

What happens when you buy Nacho Cheese?

It becomes Cho Cheese

2 Cheese Trucks ran into each other

Debris was everywhere

what’s it called when someone who’s lactose intolerant still likes eating cheese?

BrieDSM

Them: What if Medusa turned you to cheese instead of stone?

Me, an intellectual: Ah yes, Gorgonzola

I was in the library once when a man walked in asking for some ham and cheese.

The librarian politely told him that he was in a library.

The man first apologized and then whispered to the librarian, "Can I please have some ham and cheese?"

The local cheese factory blew up!

There was da-brie everywhere!

I went to a cheese making factory

They talked about a special kind of milk that they used that produced only curds.

I was like "no whey!!"

Sweet dreams are made of cheese.

\-Who am I to dissabrie?

A man tried to start a fight by throwing dough, shredded cheese, and tomato sauce at me.

So I said, “You wanna pizza me?”

What's the difference between Chuck E. Cheese and Russia?

One is a dark, dank hole, lead by a flea infested disease carrying incontinent rodent giving cheap prizes for worthless tokens.

The other sells pizza to children

Germany is telling its citizens to stock up on sausages and cheese as fear of COVID grows.

It's the wurst-kase scenario

A cheese sandwich walks into a pub.

The landlord says, "Sorry, we don't serve food"

There was a gas line explosion at the cheese shop in my town

Debrie was everywhere.

Every morning, the CEO of a major bank in Manhattan went to the corner where a shoeshine man was always there.

He used to sit on the chair, read the Wall Street Journal, and the shoeshine man gave his shoes a shiny, great look.

One morning, the shoeshine man asks the CEO:
"What do you think of the stock market situation?"

The CEO arrogantly asks him:
"Why are you so interested in this...

My wife said she would divorce me if I didn't stop my cheese related puns.

It's no fondue be married to such a Munster anyways.

What do you call it when someone inhaled cheese?

Brie-thing

I've had a hard time figuring out why I don't consider cottage cheese truly "cheese"

But it just a curd to me

Many years ago I knew a man who's love for God was matched only by his love of dipping meat into melted cheese.

That's right, he was a Christian fonduementalist.

A guy walks into a bar.

There are three signs behind the bar.

One says “cheese sandwich - $5”.

The second says “chicken sandwich - $10”.

The third says “hand jobs - $25”.

The guy calls the bartender over and asks if she’s the one who gives the hand jobs. She says “yes”.

The guy throw...

A woman wanted to buy a bagel with cream cheese at my deli.

I told her we only take cash or card.

Which guy does cheese always root for?

Volone. The cheese is provolone.

The early bird may get the worm

But the second mouse gets the cheese

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Boom twang

A joke my dad told me when I was a kid.

It's a bit long.


Terry the truck driver was on his usual route when he spotted a nun on the side of the highway in need of a lift, well he flicked on the Jacobs brake and started dropping gears. He pulled up beside her and said "jump on in s...

What is a golfer's favorite type of cheese?

Par-mesean

What do they call Fortnite in France?

A Battle Royale with Cheese

What would you call Jafar's bird from the Disney movie Aladdin if he was made of cheese?

Asiago

A cheese sandwich is better than complete happiness

Because nothing is better than complete happiness, and a cheese sandwich is better than nothing.

What kind of cheese do skateboarders eat?

Shredded cheese.

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What do you call someone who's sexually attracted to Greek cheese?

A Feta-shist

I have the best six pack out there

2 x Salt and Vinegar
2 x Ready Salted
2 x Cheese and Onion

So I heard about a secret society that wants to run the world...

...and force feed everybody cheese all the time.




They're called the Hallouminati

I mixed up the Pizza Hut app and Grindr.

There is a 10” vegetarian with extra cheese on the way over and I’m not sure what to expect….

What type of cheese will always hurt your tummy?

OUCHIES!!

Did you know Mandalorians love blue-milk cottage cheese?

This is the whey.

Customer: I would like to buy a bagel with cream cheese

Waiter: I'm sorry we only accept cash.

i rubbed a lamp once and a genie came out of it

he said i'll grant you one wish, i said i wish i could talk to cheese

*poof* he granted my wish and disappeared

a few days later i'm in my house, and i open the fridge out of boredom and i see this block of cheese

and it said to me: "hey mister, i don't wanna stay in your fridge...

What do lactose intolerant people call a collection of meat and cheese?

A shart tootery board

how do you approach an angry Welsh cheese?

Caerphilly

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cows and ideologies (long)

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots...

Apparently, due to COVID Germany is running low on sausage and cheese.

The government considers this to be the Wurst Käse scenario

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar which read: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50, Chicken Sandwich: $2.50, Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

“Yes?” she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

I was wondering, whispers the man, "are you t...

Why do Jewish guys get circumcized?

Because Jewish girls aren't allowed to eat cheese with their meat.

what’s it called when you eat cheese all by yourself?

prov-alone

I just had some cheese dip and got an upset stomach

Turns out it was a bad queso gas.

In a small South American village, a man was putting the final touches on a new cheese recipe…

The man, a chemist, was surprised at the secret ingredients that made it so delicious: sodium, carbon, hydrogen, and oxygen.

“Now I just need to give it a name…” he thought.

Suddenly, a burglar dropped out of nowhere and snagged the vat of cheesy goodness!

“STOP!” the man shoute...

3 construction workers on the Empire State Building are hanging lunch

The first guys opens his lunch box and finds his usual ham and cheese sandwich. He begins to shout,”IF MY WIFE MAKES ME AN OTHER STUPID HAM AND CHEESE IM JUMPING OFF THIS BUILDING”

The second guy opens his lunch box and finds his usual BLT. He begins to shout,”IF MY WIFE MAKES ME AN OTHER STU...

How did the cheese paint his wife?

He double Gloucester

What does a ghost put on his bagel?

Scream cheese

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Stalin is having a shitty day...

One day, Stalin, is in a shitty mood. One thing he loves is to hear praise. He loved it when people spoke highly of him but it loses its luster at gun point. So, one day Stalin wears a disguise, and goes to a local café with the intention of listening to people chat. He sits down with his back to th...

What is an I.R.A sniper's favorite cheese?

Provo-lone

What did the teenager say when his friend told him that mexico had liquid cheese used for dipping?

"Kay, so?"

Why didn't the cheese wantto get sliced?

It had grater plans

Breaking news: Germany is advising people to stock up on sausages and cheese.

This is starting to look like the Wurst Käse scenario.

What's Medusa's favorite cheese?

*Gorgonzola*!



....



OK, I'll show myself out.....

I had cheese but no crackers.

I was crack-a-lackin’.

Did you know you can borrow cheese from the bank in Utah?

Yeah, it's called a Provo-loan

Helen Keller once described a cheese grater as...

"The most violent book I have ever read"

A man is in peril, he’s just robbed a cheese shop...

And the police are closing in. From his pockets, he dumps all the Gruyere, all of the Cotswald, all of the Petit Basque. As he flees, chunks of Manchego and Ossau Iraty fly from his pockets... he flings the Roquefort, but it breaks up in his pocket and is sticky... he can’t get it out. He is stuck, ...

The double quarter pounder with cheese from McDonald’s holds a special place in my heart.

Mainly in the Coronary artery.

Him "I know we agreed to trade my cheese for your chicken, but I forgot the cheese at home. Will you still give me the chicken?"

Her "Absolutely not! You know what they say: 'No parm, no fowl!'".

What do you call it when an italian cheese makes music

Mozz-art

What did the cheese say before it got shredded?

Oh grate...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teenager was hungry and his mother told him to go find something in the kitchen to eat.

After banging around for a few minutes, he yelled "There isn't shit to eat in this house!"

His father heard this and went into the kitchen saying "First of all, watch your language. Second of all, there is lots to eat if you just look. He took his son to the pantry and pointed things out. "Se...

Why do germans always carry cheese on them?

Just in käse…

Deep in the arctic, a fortress sits. This is Legion Prison, where all Supervillains are jailed.

And the Warden is having a very difficult time. In the beginning, it wasn’t so hard. A handful of villains can’t get up to too much trouble without their tools and weapon.

But as the prison filled up, things began to get more difficult.

MechaSlayer kept trying to fight Robo-Con.
...

Why is the swiss cheese afraid of the dark?

Because it's afraid of a muenster in the closet

What do they call a Double Quarter Pounder with cheese, large fries, and a Diet Coke in France?

"The American Weight Loss Plan."

Man: Why should I stop eating deep fried cheese because you heard something in your horoscope?

Doctor: Once again, it’s stethoscope.

What do you call a cheese factory from the Middle East?

Cheeses of Nazareth

How did the Mexican cheese factory report an equipment malfunction?

No whey, Hose A.

I just ate out my girl with a side of meat and cheese

I call it CharCooterie

Mac‘n‘cheese

Two men are lost in a desert. They have been walking for days and are absolutely famished. All of a sudden they come across a human corpse lying there.

After some quick thinking the first guy has an idea: „Lets open his stomach, there‘s probably some food in there!“

So he does.. As h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was this famous cheese maker

He made this cheese that would expanded grow when melted.
He was driving while drinking scotch and got into a accident with a school bus. The court case going as expected he was sentenced to death by electrocution. As a last meal request he asked for a quarter of a wheel of his world famous chee...

What is Medusa’s favourite kind of cheese?

Gorgonzola

Did you hear PBR is coming out with a new beer cheese spread?

Its called Pabst-Schmear

I’m so busy with Covid and homeschool that I forgot to drain the kids mac & cheese.

Next time I'll set a Google Colander reminder...

What breed of horse is made out of cheese?

A mascapony

Which cheese do you use to hide a small horse ?

Mascarpone

What is a nun's favourite type of cheese?

Swiss cheese, cuz they're holey

Went to my local sandwich shop and asked for “a sub filled to the brim with cheese and baloney”

They just linked me to r/jokes

horse meat

A guy walks into a bar in England and orders a beer. "Do you serve any of that lasagna that they found the horse meat in?" the guy asks. "Not that I know of," the bartender replies. "But you can always try our filly cheese steak."

A bear walks into a restaurant. He tells his waiter, “I want a grilled ... cheese.”

The waiter says, “What’s with the pause?”

“What do you mean?” The bear replies. “I am a bear!”

Every time my mom burns my grilled cheese sandwich I get a stomach ache...

I guess I’m black toast intolerant.

What do you call a "Grilled Cheese" after a few days in the fridge?

Chilled Grease

Updoot for blue cheese day! Yayy

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike.

There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I’m stuck here holding my rod.

A wedding photographer was tragically killed today when a 250lb wheel of cheese fell off the catering lorry and crushed him.

All the guests tried frantically to warn him, but to no avail.

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