Cutting down a tree with a block of cheese is easy.

You just gotta make sure it's extra sharp.

President Trump just banned shredded cheeses.

He wants to Make America Grate Again

I've had a hard time figuring out why I don't consider cottage cheese truly "cheese"

But it's just a curd to me

The double quarter pounder with cheese from McDonald’s holds a special place in my heart.

Mainly in the Coronary artery.

What is a nun's favourite type of cheese?

Swiss cheese, cuz they're holey

Did you guys hear about the cheese shop explosion in France?

Da bries went *everywhere*

What do you call a cheese wizard?

A fromage

(6yo nephew came to me and blurted) What does the cheese say to the other cheese passing by ?

Have a grate day.

What is Medusa’s favourite kind of cheese?

Gorgonzola

What did the chefs say when they allow the cheese to be shred?

Parmesan grated.

Did you hear PBR is coming out with a new beer cheese spread?

Its called Pabst-Schmear

What did the cheese say to when it saw itself in the mirror?

Hallou mi

Updoot for blue cheese day! Yayy

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike.

There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I’m stuck here holding my rod.

What kind of cheese is made backwards?

Edam

A man is in peril, he’s just robbed a cheese shop...

And the police are closing in. From his pockets, he dumps all the Gruyere, all of the Cotswald, all of the Petit Basque. As he flees, chunks of Manchego and Ossau Iraty fly from his pockets... he flings the Roquefort, but it breaks up in his pocket and is sticky... he can’t get it out. He is stuck, ...

Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday...

He said it's the most violent book he's ever read.

What did the road crew have to do after the cheese crashed it's car?

Clean up de-brie.

What's a guitarist favour type of cheese?

Shredded cheese

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was this famous cheese maker

He made this cheese that would expanded grow when melted.
He was driving while drinking scotch and got into a accident with a school bus. The court case going as expected he was sentenced to death by electrocution. As a last meal request he asked for a quarter of a wheel of his world famous chee...

What did Ryu and Ken find at Chuck-E-Cheese?

**HA TOKEN!**

**- - -**

(Street Fighter joke, but I know my fellow nerds lurk this sub)

What do you call a "Grilled Cheese" after a few days in the fridge?

Chilled Grease

What do you call an actor who steals cheese?

Brie Larson

What did the piece of cheese say to the Starbucks barista?

Can we Havarti?

When the cheese factory exploded, people found pieces of it miles away

There was de Brie everywhere

I cut my finger chopping cheese...

I think that may have grater problems

I saw a man kicking a gallon of milk down the isle while throwing a big bag of cheese around complaining about the cleanliness of the store and I thought to myself

How dairy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is a cheese pizza the most sexy?

It’s toppless

A man walks into a bar. Upon sitting down a busty blond waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food. He looks up at the menu above the bar it says:

Hot dog – $2

Cheeseburger – $5

Hand job – $10

He asks the waitress, “Miss are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” She winks and replies, “why yes I am.” He says, “Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.”

was at a restaurant the other day and overheard this conversation. Customer: "I don't eat honey, eggs, cheese, dairy or any meat products. What can I get?"

Waiter: "You can get the hell out of here"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to make macaroni and cheese

Boil a pot of water, put pasta in water and wait until soft.

Drain water from pasta.

Go into trash can to retrieve box because you forgot how much butter to add

add butter and mix

go back into trash to retrieve box because you forgot how much milk to add

add milk a...

What did the passive aggressive cheese say?

Queso? (K......so?)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.

He walks directly up to the Madam, drops down $500, and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen darlin’, I’m not horny –...

What do you call cheese made out of clay?

Terracottage cheese!

A husky, a pitbull, and a chihuahua are all fighting over a poodle.

Poodle says: "I'll only choose the mate who can use the words 'Liver' and 'Cheese' in one sentence..."

Husky: "Well that's easy, I love liver and I love cheese!"

Poodle: "That's not gonna work"

Pitbull: "I hate liver and I hate cheese!"

Poodle: "...No"

Chihuahua: "...

Breaking news: Germany is advising people to stock up on sausages and cheese.

This is starting to look like the Wurst Käse scenario.

BREAKING NEWS: There was an explosion at the local cheese factory!

Da Brie is everywhere.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a cheese shop

"Welcome to the towns greatest cheese shop. We have all that you might want. So, what will it be?" asks the clerk.

"Nacho cheese" responds the man

Suddenly angry, the clerk shouts at the man: "Then why the fuck are you here!"

I put way too much cheese in my omelet this morning...

I needed to take a brie-ther afterwards.

Why are body builders so good at making cheese?

Because they have huge calves

Some dude just rubbed me down with cocoa powder, espresso, and mascarpone cheese...

Turns out he was a tiramassuse

A bear walks into a restaurant. He tells his waiter, “I want a grilled ... cheese.”

The waiter says, “What’s with the pause?”

“What do you mean?” The bear replies. “I am a bear!”

My Canadian friend eats a bowl of fries, cheese curds and brown gravy every single morning.

It's just his daily poutine.

What’s the spookiest kind of cheese?

Scream cheese.

How does Mr. Miyagi eat his Babybel cheese?

Wax on, or wax off?

Why didn't the cheese want to get sliced?

Because it had greater plans.

I was walking down the street earlier when some guy threw a block of cheese at me

I thought to myself, "That's not very mature."

Why was the cheese depressed?

Because it was bleu....


I know I know cheesy joke.. but surely we can all agree it was still gouda.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar which read: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50, Chicken Sandwich: $2.50, Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

“Yes?” she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

I was wondering, whispers the man, "are you t...

A Barber and the Clergy

>One day a Priest walked into a barbershop to get a haircut. The barber cut his hair to his liking. Afterward, the priest asked "How much do I owe you?".
>
>"Oh, I don't charge the clergy, father." replied the barber
>
>"That's very generous but I must pay you for...

A wedding photographer was tragically killed today when a 250lb wheel of cheese fell off the catering lorry and crushed him.

All the guests tried frantically to warn him, but to no avail.

Because of his loss in Wisconsin, Trump has put a ban on all shredded cheese.

It's the only way he can make America GRATE again.

Credit to my 12 year old son.

If Trump wins a second term he will halt all shredded cheese production.

He is going to make Americans grate again . . .

Every time my mom burns my grilled cheese sandwich I get a stomach ache...

I guess I’m black toast intolerant.

I went to grab some cheddar cheese and hurt myself

It was too sharp

My cheese was too kinky

It wanted to be de-grated.

What does a german guy call his block of cheese?

Mein Kraft

How was your cheese plate?

Gouda

The early bird gets the worm

but the second mouse gets the cheese

What do you call an Anorexic with a yeast infection?

Quarter Pounder w/ Cheese.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

What did the teacher do with her students reports on the history of cheese?

She graded them

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrig...

What type of cheese attracts bears?

Camembert.

A cheese sandwich walks into a bar.

Bartender says, “sorry sir, we don’t serve food here.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A biker ...

Walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.
He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:

Hamburger – 2.99

Cheeseburger – 3.99

Chicken Sandwich – 4.99

Hand Job – 19.99

The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks ...

My missus asked me if I'd planned something special for Valentine's day. "I'm working on it" I said. She smiled happily,

which is weird because I thought she'd be well cheesed off because I was having to work.

Why do rats run into a trap for a little bit of cheese? They are so stupid.

Oh, honey, I'm home!

A man calls Pizza hut to order a pizza

CALLER: Is this #PizzaHut?

GOOGLE:No sir, it's Google Pizza

CALLER: Sorry, I have Dailed wrong number

GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.

CALLER:Ok, I would like to order a pizza

GOOGLE:Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER: My usual? You know ...

A man tried to start a fight by throwing dough, shredded cheese, and tomato sauce at me.

So I said, “You wanna pizza me?”

Which cheese is always compliant with social distancing?

Provolone

I was waiting in line at the cheese counter at the local grocery store today when I had to fart.

After ripping a silent one the guy in front of me asks the lady behind the counter which cheese smells such aromatically.

A man goes to a diner and orders a grilled cheese sandwich and a glass of room temperature sweet tea.

When his food arrives he takes a sip of the tea but finds it to be scorching hot.
"Ow!" yells the man, "I asked for this to be room temperature!"
"It is, sir" says the waiter "The kitchen is on fire."

Why did the block of cheese run in the US presidential election?

Because he wanted to make America grate again.

I couldn’t decide which joke to recycle for my Blue Cheese Day.

So instead, tell me your best and maybe even... *cheesiest*... joke that you’ve used for your own Blue Cheese Day!!

*Edit: Apparently that’s a* **Cake**. *Damn it. I probably could have found a* sweet *cake joke to use.*

Ain’t nobody going to stop me from getting cheese byproduct.

I always get my whey.

A photographer was badly hurt this morning when a huge block of cheese fell on him.

Everyone posing for the wedding party picture had tried to warn him.

I used to be a French cheese nut

But now I camembert it any longer

Did you hear about the moldy piece of cheese that got fired from his job?

I heard he has been on the chopping block for a while

A fly.

There was once a fly who was strolling around a pond to find something to sit on. So, it strolled down around five or so inches to see better.

A fish was looking over that fly, waiting for the fly to come closer so that the fish can eat the fly. So the fish jumps out the water to eat the fly....

I saw a crocodile the other day, but thankfully it only eats cheese.

It's an alligrater.

My daughter called to tell me she saw a man driving a fast car made of macaroni and cheese.

She was doing 80 in a Honda and he was driving pasta.
E: my first (I think) original dad joke. Don’t slaughter me

I made a joke about cheese...

Let’s just say it didn’t age well...

Everything is better with cheese

Macaroni? Good.
Macaroni and Cheese? Gouda.

I hid some cheese under my bed the other day.

I heard that’s where Munster’s hide

Swiss Cheese was recently declared the official cheese of the Catholic Church.

It’s the holiest of cheeses.

You're not a big cheese person?

Well I hope not, that'd be scary

Spray Cheese

When you're lactose intolerant all cheese is spray cheese

What type of cheese do you use to attract a Bear?

camembeart

Trump became so controlling that he refused to allow people and restaurants to buy shredded cheese, and as such, companies that shredded cheese got shutdown.

I guess he really did make America grate again.

Join my new national campaign and ban pre-grated cheese.

so we can make Britan grate again

Bless the wife of Richard Cheese

He always wondered why she complained about going down on him.

"It baffles me, that bacteria can thrive, even when being turned into cheese. It seems like a such a hostile environment! Then again...

"Life finds a whey."

You know why jokes about chips with cheese on them are the best ?

They're NACHO JOKES !

People ask whether I’ll make cheese in my afterlife. I tell them,

“There’s no whey in hell.”

Went for walk yesterday and a bloke threw a lump of cheese at me.

I thought to myself, well that's not very mature.

France's's National Cheese Museum just blew up

Over five hundred people were injured by de brie

I Walk Into A Bar

I sit down and ask the bartender for a drink.

He gets me a drink and I drink it.

Then I pay him and walk out.

I then get in my car and drive to the supermarket.

I arrive at the supermarket and get out of my car.

I go up to the entrance and grab a shopping cart...

What do you call cheese stuck up your nose?

A CheeseBooger

The political parties can't agree on what a second economic stimulus package should look like. Democrats want every American to receive a $1,200.00 check, while Republicans favor giving everybody 10 pounds of Parmesean cheese.

The GOP wants to "Make America Grate Again".

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