President Trump just banned shredded cheeses.

He wants to Make America Grate Again

Cutting down a tree with a block of cheese is easy.

You just gotta make sure it's extra sharp.

Did you guys hear about the fatal accident at the cheese factory?

A photographer was photographing a group of tourists when a huge wheel of cheese fatally ran overhim.

To be fair the entire group was yelling out CHEESE!!!

A cheese factory exploded in France today

De Brie was everywhere

Germany is telling its citizens to stock up on sausages and cheese as fear of COVID grows.

It's the wurst-kase scenario.

What do they call a Double Quarter Pounder with cheese, large fries, and a Diet Coke in France?

"The American Weight Loss Plan."

how do you approach an angry Welsh cheese?

Caerphilly

Why is the swiss cheese afraid of the dark?

Because it's afraid of a muenster in the closet

Why didn't the cheese wantto get sliced?

It had grater plans

I've had a hard time figuring out why I don't consider cottage cheese truly "cheese"

But it's just a curd to me

Which is the saddest cheese?

Prov-Alone

I was invited to a banquet in Germany, but all they served was sausage and cheese.

And that felt like the wurst käse scenario...

I’m so busy with Covid and homeschool that I forgot to drain the kids mac & cheese.

Next time I'll set a Google Colander reminder...

What do you call it when an italian cheese makes music

Mozz-art

I just ate out my girl with a side of meat and cheese

I call it CharCooterie

What do you call a cheese factory from the Middle East?

Cheeses of Nazareth

Which cheese do you use to hide a small horse ?

Mascarpone

Why do they call American Cheese “American Cheese”?

Because only Americans would call it cheese

Cheese Sword

My friend found a cheddar sword, and I asked him "is it sharp"

If cheese were downloadable, then I'd try to throw my hard drive as far as possible.

What I'm saying is, I'd chuck e-cheese.

The double quarter pounder with cheese from McDonald’s holds a special place in my heart.

Mainly in the Coronary artery.

What did the cheese say before it got shredded?

Grate.

What is the LOST cast's favorite cheese?

Smoked Muenster.

What breed of horse is made out of cheese?

A mascapony

How did the Mexican cheese factory report an equipment malfunction?

No whey, Hose A.

Did you guys hear about the cheese shop explosion in France?

Da bries went *everywhere*

A young French boy comes home with a wheel of cheese that he found.

His mother says, “Merci! Where did you find this Brillat-Savarin?”

The boy says, “No mommy, it’s nacho cheese.”

His mother says, “Are you sure? It says Brillat-Savarin on the label.”

“I know,” says the boy, “but when I found it, I heard a voice yell at me and say, ‘Hey, that’s n...

Went to my local sandwich shop and asked for “a sub filled to the brim with cheese and baloney”

They just linked me to r/jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Simple Economics

SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISMYou hav...

What is a nun's favourite type of cheese?

Swiss cheese, cuz they're holey

A man is in peril, he’s just robbed a cheese shop...

And the police are closing in. From his pockets, he dumps all the Gruyere, all of the Cotswald, all of the Petit Basque. As he flees, chunks of Manchego and Ossau Iraty fly from his pockets... he flings the Roquefort, but it breaks up in his pocket and is sticky... he can’t get it out. He is stuck, ...

Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday...

He said it's the most violent book he's ever read.

what do you call an 8 year old cheese that gets whatever it wants?

Spoiled cheese

What kind of cheese is made backwards?

Edam

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. There is a small menu on the bar, so he picks it up and reads:

"Cheese sandwich: $2.50
Handjob: $5"

A gorgeous woman is the bartender, and she comes over to get the guys order. He asks her "are you the one who gives the handjobs?" The leggy blonde flips back her curly hair and silkily says with a wink and seductive smile "why yes, I am."

"Well...

Where does Swiss cheese come from, Robin?

Robin: Holey cows, Batman!

What's a guitarist favour type of cheese?

Shredded cheese

(6yo nephew came to me and blurted) What does the cheese say to the other cheese passing by ?

Have a grate day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was this famous cheese maker

He made this cheese that would expanded grow when melted.
He was driving while drinking scotch and got into a accident with a school bus. The court case going as expected he was sentenced to death by electrocution. As a last meal request he asked for a quarter of a wheel of his world famous chee...

What did the cheese say to when it saw itself in the mirror?

Hallou mi

What did Ryu and Ken find at Chuck-E-Cheese?

**HA TOKEN!**

**- - -**

(Street Fighter joke, but I know my fellow nerds lurk this sub)

What did the road crew have to do after the cheese crashed it's car?

Clean up de-brie.

I saw a man kicking a gallon of milk down the isle while throwing a big bag of cheese around complaining about the cleanliness of the store and I thought to myself

How dairy.

Two dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.

FO: My dog is so smart that every morning he goes to the store and buys me a sesame seed bagel with chive cream cheese, stops off at Starbucks and picks me up a mocha latte, and then comes home and turns on ESPN, all before I get out of bed.

SO: I know.

FO: How do you know?

SO: ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rags To Riches Success Story

A real touching success story! 

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine.  He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine. 

One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do...

I cut my finger chopping cheese...

I think that may have grater problems

What do you call cheese made out of clay?

Terracottage cheese!

Breaking news: Germany is advising people to stock up on sausages and cheese.

This is starting to look like the Wurst Käse scenario.

Did you hear PBR is coming out with a new beer cheese spread?

Its called Pabst-Schmear

What did the chefs say when they allow the cheese to be shred?

Parmesan grated.

Updoot for blue cheese day! Yayy

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike.

There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I’m stuck here holding my rod.

What did the piece of cheese say to the Starbucks barista?

Can we Havarti?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is a cheese pizza the most sexy?

It’s toppless

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a cheese shop

"Welcome to the towns greatest cheese shop. We have all that you might want. So, what will it be?" asks the clerk.

"Nacho cheese" responds the man

Suddenly angry, the clerk shouts at the man: "Then why the fuck are you here!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.

He walks directly up to the Madam, drops down $500, and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen darlin’, I’m not horny –...

What do you call a "Grilled Cheese" after a few days in the fridge?

Chilled Grease

BREAKING NEWS: There was an explosion at the local cheese factory!

Da Brie is everywhere.

Guys I designed my own knife

It uses cutting edge technology





(Also blue cheese)

was at a restaurant the other day and overheard this conversation. Customer: "I don't eat honey, eggs, cheese, dairy or any meat products. What can I get?"

Waiter: "You can get the hell out of here"

My Canadian friend eats a bowl of fries, cheese curds and brown gravy every single morning.

It's just his daily poutine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar...

Bartender: What can I get you?

Guy: I'd like something to eat. What have you got to offer?

Bartender: Well, cheese sandwiches are $1.50, chicken sandwiches are $3.50... or handjobs are $20 <wink>

Guy: Do you give the handjobs, pretty lady?

Bartender: I sure do, sir....

I put way too much cheese in my omelet this morning...

I needed to take a brie-ther afterwards.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Labrador, a Golden Retriever & a Chihuahua...

are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. They’re speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A translated joke

A man approaches a pig farmer and asks him what he feeds his pigs.

The farmer answers: "Oh the pigs? I just feed them whatever trash I have lying around".

The man is shocked, he says "Sir that is animal cruelty! I'll have to fine you 10000$!"

The next day another man approaches ...

A man walks into a bar. Upon sitting down a busty blond waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food. He looks up at the menu above the bar it says:

Hot dog – $2

Cheeseburger – $5

Hand job – $10

He asks the waitress, “Miss are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” She winks and replies, “why yes I am.” He says, “Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.”

You hear about the chef who died

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. How sad that he ran out of thyme. His wife is really upset cheese still not over it.

Some dude just rubbed me down with cocoa powder, espresso, and mascarpone cheese...

Turns out he was a tiramassuse

A man goes to a diner and orders a grilled cheese sandwich and a glass of room temperature sweet tea.

When his food arrives he takes a sip of the tea but finds it to be scorching hot.
"Ow!" yells the man, "I asked for this to be room temperature!"
"It is, sir" says the waiter "The kitchen is on fire."

What did the teacher do with her students reports on the history of cheese?

She graded them

A bear walks into a restaurant. He tells his waiter, “I want a grilled ... cheese.”

The waiter says, “What’s with the pause?”

“What do you mean?” The bear replies. “I am a bear!”

Because of his loss in Wisconsin, Trump has put a ban on all shredded cheese.

It's the only way he can make America GRATE again.

Credit to my 12 year old son.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to make macaroni and cheese

Boil a pot of water, put pasta in water and wait until soft.

Drain water from pasta.

Go into trash can to retrieve box because you forgot how much butter to add

add butter and mix

go back into trash to retrieve box because you forgot how much milk to add

add milk a...

If Trump wins a second term he will halt all shredded cheese production.

He is going to make Americans grate again . . .

What’s Medusa’s favorite cheese

Gorgonzola

Every time my mom burns my grilled cheese sandwich I get a stomach ache...

I guess I’m black toast intolerant.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar which read: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50, Chicken Sandwich: $2.50, Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

“Yes?” she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

I was wondering, whispers the man, "are you t...

I got fired from my job as a cashier today...

This customer walked in, picked up something from the counter, walked up to the till and said, "I'd like to pay for a Bagel with Cream Cheese.."

I told him clearly, "I'm sorry sir, we only accept cash or credit"

Why are body builders so good at making cheese?

Because they have huge calves

How does Mr. Miyagi eat his Babybel cheese?

Wax on, or wax off?

I was walking down the street earlier when some guy threw a block of cheese at me

I thought to myself, "That's not very mature."

A wedding photographer was tragically killed today when a 250lb wheel of cheese fell off the catering lorry and crushed him.

All the guests tried frantically to warn him, but to no avail.

What’s the spookiest kind of cheese?

Scream cheese.

My cheese was too kinky

It wanted to be de-grated.

Why was the cheese depressed?

Because it was bleu....


I know I know cheesy joke.. but surely we can all agree it was still gouda.

What does a german guy call his block of cheese?

Mein Kraft

How was your cheese plate?

Gouda

A cheese sandwich walks into a bar.

Bartender says, “sorry sir, we don’t serve food here.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the groove

A man walks into a restaurant and he's pissed off for some reason. The waiter comes up to him and says "May I take your your order."

The man looked at the waiter and screaming says "I want you to get in there and tell the chef, I want a cheese burger not too greasy and not too dry but right ...

A pastor is on a plane when the man next to him strikes up a conversation.

After some pleasantries, the pastor says, "I'm flying across the country raising money for my parish. I've been performing small miracles hoping people will donate money to me. You see, I ask the Lord to provide a person's favorite food on the spot. My best luck is with college grads who are nostalg...

A man tried to start a fight by throwing dough, shredded cheese, and tomato sauce at me.

So I said, “You wanna pizza me?”

What type of cheese attracts bears?

Camembert.

Ain’t nobody going to stop me from getting cheese byproduct.

I always get my whey.

A photographer was badly hurt this morning when a huge block of cheese fell on him.

Everyone posing for the wedding party picture had tried to warn him.

My neighbor was hit by a financial crisis

He has to eat moldy cheese, drink old wine and drive in cars without roofs.

My daughter called to tell me she saw a man driving a fast car made of macaroni and cheese.

She was doing 80 in a Honda and he was driving pasta.
E: my first (I think) original dad joke. Don’t slaughter me

Why do rats run into a trap for a little bit of cheese? They are so stupid.

Oh, honey, I'm home!

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater

About a week later he told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read

Did you hear about the moldy piece of cheese that got fired from his job?

I heard he has been on the chopping block for a while

I made a joke about cheese...

Let’s just say it didn’t age well...

Why did the block of cheese run in the US presidential election?

Because he wanted to make America grate again.

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrig...

Swiss Cheese was recently declared the official cheese of the Catholic Church.

It’s the holiest of cheeses.

You're not a big cheese person?

Well I hope not, that'd be scary

I couldn’t decide which joke to recycle for my Blue Cheese Day.

So instead, tell me your best and maybe even... *cheesiest*... joke that you’ve used for your own Blue Cheese Day!!

*Edit: Apparently that’s a* **Cake**. *Damn it. I probably could have found a* sweet *cake joke to use.*

Spray Cheese

When you're lactose intolerant all cheese is spray cheese

What type of cheese do you use to attract a Bear?

camembeart

I used to be a French cheese nut

But now I camembert it any longer

Bless the wife of Richard Cheese

He always wondered why she complained about going down on him.

I saw a crocodile the other day, but thankfully it only eats cheese.

It's an alligrater.

Trump became so controlling that he refused to allow people and restaurants to buy shredded cheese, and as such, companies that shredded cheese got shutdown.

I guess he really did make America grate again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

Join my new national campaign and ban pre-grated cheese.

so we can make Britan grate again

"It baffles me, that bacteria can thrive, even when being turned into cheese. It seems like a such a hostile environment! Then again...

"Life finds a whey."

The political parties can't agree on what a second economic stimulus package should look like. Democrats want every American to receive a $1,200.00 check, while Republicans favor giving everybody 10 pounds of Parmesean cheese.

The GOP wants to "Make America Grate Again".

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