President Trump just banned shredded cheeses.

He wants to Make America Grate Again

Cutting down a tree with a block of cheese is easy.

You just gotta make sure it's extra sharp.

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?

There was nothing left but de brie.

What cheese is made backwards?

Edam…

What kind of cheese do skateboarders eat?

Shredded cheese.

What do you have if you're intolerant to cheese?

You have allercheese.

Apparently, due to COVID Germany is running low on sausage and cheese.

The government considers this to be the Wurst Käse scenario

A cheese sandwich is better than complete happiness

Because nothing is better than complete happiness, and a cheese sandwich is better than nothing.

Do you think Mr. Cheese has been going to the gym?

I mean look at him, he's shredded!

I bought some flavoured condoms to try. My wife says "this one's different, cheese and onion"

I said "I haven't put it on yet!"

What type of cheese will always hurt your tummy?

OUCHIES!!

I just had some cheese dip and got an upset stomach

Turns out it was a bad queso gas.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher asked a white student, a black student and a Mexican student to use the words "cheese" and "liver" in a sentence

The white kid answered, "My mom made liver and cheese for dinner".

The teacher said that was very good.

The black kid said, "I would never eat cheese on liver, that is gross."

The teacher said that was very good.

The Mexican kid says if some dude tried to step to my girl ...

Did you know you can borrow cheese from the bank in Utah?

Yeah, it's called a Provo-loan

What is an I.R.A sniper's favorite cheese?

Provo-lone

In a small South American village, a man was putting the final touches on a new cheese recipe…

The man, a chemist, was surprised at the secret ingredients that made it so delicious: sodium, carbon, hydrogen, and oxygen.

“Now I just need to give it a name…” he thought.

Suddenly, a burglar dropped out of nowhere and snagged the vat of cheesy goodness!

“STOP!” the man shoute...

What do lactose intolerant people call a collection of meat and cheese?

A shart tootery board

Why didn't the cheese wantto get sliced?

It had grater plans

I don’t care for cheese!

I’m a curd-mudgeon

What's Medusa's favorite cheese?

*Gorgonzola*!



....



OK, I'll show myself out.....

what’s it called when you eat cheese all by yourself?

prov-alone

What did the teenager say when his friend told him that mexico had liquid cheese used for dipping?

"Kay, so?"

Why do germans always carry cheese on them?

Just in käse…

Man: Why should I stop eating deep fried cheese because you heard something in your horoscope?

Doctor: Once again, it’s stethoscope.

Mac‘n‘cheese

Two men are lost in a desert. They have been walking for days and are absolutely famished. All of a sudden they come across a human corpse lying there.

After some quick thinking the first guy has an idea: „Lets open his stomach, there‘s probably some food in there!“

So he does.. As h...

The double quarter pounder with cheese from McDonald’s holds a special place in my heart.

Mainly in the Coronary artery.

Him "I know we agreed to trade my cheese for your chicken, but I forgot the cheese at home. Will you still give me the chicken?"

Her "Absolutely not! You know what they say: 'No parm, no fowl!'".

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho cheese

how do you approach an angry Welsh cheese?

Caerphilly

Germany is telling its citizens to stock up on sausages and cheese as fear of COVID grows.

It's the wurst-kase scenario.

Why is the swiss cheese afraid of the dark?

Because it's afraid of a muenster in the closet

What do they call a Double Quarter Pounder with cheese, large fries, and a Diet Coke in France?

"The American Weight Loss Plan."

I've had a hard time figuring out why I don't consider cottage cheese truly "cheese"

But it's just a curd to me

I just ate out my girl with a side of meat and cheese

I call it CharCooterie

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three rats are at a bar telling stories on how tough they are....

The first rat takes a shot and says, "Whenever I find rat poison, I like to crush it up and do lines just to get a good buzz for the day."
The second rat takes a shot and says, "That's nothing! Whenever I find cheese on a mousetrap, I purposely trip the spring & right before I get crushed I ...

What do you call a cheese factory from the Middle East?

Cheeses of Nazareth

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly Rabbi and an elderly Priest are good friends in the retirement home.

One day the priest asks, "So tell me, Benjamin, be honest now, have you ever had bacon?" The old rabbi sighs and leans back, "Ashamedly yes. One day, In my youth, I gave into temptation and had bacon wrapped shrimp with cheese sauce....Now tell me Sean, be honest now, have you ever had sex?" The old...

What do you call it when an italian cheese makes music

Mozz-art

I’m so busy with Covid and homeschool that I forgot to drain the kids mac & cheese.

Next time I'll set a Google Colander reminder...

Which cheese do you use to hide a small horse ?

Mascarpone

Did you guys hear about the cheese shop explosion in France?

Da bries went *everywhere*

What did the cheese say before it got shredded?

Grate.

Cheese Sword

My friend found a cheddar sword, and I asked him "is it sharp"

I misread the recipe. I was trying to make Cottage Cheese, but I accidentally ended up with Frottage Cheese.

The taste was off, and it just rubs me the wrong way.

How did the Mexican cheese factory report an equipment malfunction?

No whey, Hose A.

What breed of horse is made out of cheese?

A mascapony

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are jews circumcised?

Because its not kosher to mix cheese with meat.

What is the LOST cast's favorite cheese?

Smoked Muenster.

A husband comes home and says to his wife "I just bought condoms with taste. Let's turn off the light, and then you can guess what flavor it is." So they turned off the lights and...

The wife asks: "Is it cheese and tuna flavor?"

The Husband says: "Take it easy, let me put it on first"

What is Medusa’s favourite kind of cheese?

Gorgonzola

Breaking news: Germany is advising people to stock up on sausages and cheese.

This is starting to look like the Wurst Käse scenario.

A man is in peril, he’s just robbed a cheese shop...

And the police are closing in. From his pockets, he dumps all the Gruyere, all of the Cotswald, all of the Petit Basque. As he flees, chunks of Manchego and Ossau Iraty fly from his pockets... he flings the Roquefort, but it breaks up in his pocket and is sticky... he can’t get it out. He is stuck, ...

Went to my local sandwich shop and asked for “a sub filled to the brim with cheese and baloney”

They just linked me to r/jokes

A young French boy comes home with a wheel of cheese that he found.

His mother says, “Merci! Where did you find this Brillat-Savarin?”

The boy says, “No mommy, it’s nacho cheese.”

His mother says, “Are you sure? It says Brillat-Savarin on the label.”

“I know,” says the boy, “but when I found it, I heard a voice yell at me and say, ‘Hey, that’s n...

It’s my cake day.. why couldn’t the Teddy Bear finish his cake?

He was already stuffed!!
Haha
Sorry it’s so cheese.

I went to a Mary Poppins themed restaurant last night.

Super cauliflower cheese, but the lobster was atrocious!

The difference between being Involved vs. Committed

Take a Bacon, Egg, and Cheese sandwich. The chicken and the cow are involved, but the pig is committed.

Step-dad tells his step-son to clean his room

Step-son: Am I going to have to pour hot melted cheese all over myself?

Step-dad: Why would you have to do that?

Step-son: To remind you that I'm NACHO son

3 Un Jokes of the day

What did one Frenchmen say to the other? I don't speak French and would like to know.

A Bear walks into a bar and the patrons leave slowly noticing the situation could be potentially dangerous.

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor in the tall corn; Where is my Tractor....

Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday...

He said it's the most violent book he's ever read.

What is a nun's favourite type of cheese?

Swiss cheese, cuz they're holey

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was this famous cheese maker

He made this cheese that would expanded grow when melted.
He was driving while drinking scotch and got into a accident with a school bus. The court case going as expected he was sentenced to death by electrocution. As a last meal request he asked for a quarter of a wheel of his world famous chee...

(6yo nephew came to me and blurted) What does the cheese say to the other cheese passing by ?

Have a grate day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on itallian bread, make with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the sa...

What did Ryu and Ken find at Chuck-E-Cheese?

**HA TOKEN!**

**- - -**

(Street Fighter joke, but I know my fellow nerds lurk this sub)

What do you call cheese made out of clay?

Terracottage cheese!

Did you hear PBR is coming out with a new beer cheese spread?

Its called Pabst-Schmear

What did the chefs say when they allow the cheese to be shred?

Parmesan grated.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Simple Economics

SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISMYou hav...

Where does Swiss cheese come from, Robin?

Robin: Holey cows, Batman!

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar which read: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50, Chicken Sandwich: $2.50, Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

“Yes?” she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

I was wondering, whispers the man, "are you t...

What did the cheese say to when it saw itself in the mirror?

Hallou mi

What's a guitarist favour type of cheese?

Shredded cheese

I saw a man kicking a gallon of milk down the isle while throwing a big bag of cheese around complaining about the cleanliness of the store and I thought to myself

How dairy.

I have a pet horse fly

I call him Pegasus

I also have a pet crane fly called Derrick

I briefly had a French cheese fly

A French man and a German sit at a bar

The French man says to the German, “In France, we have fun by going to the park, eating bread with cheese, and mocking tourists. What is it that you Germans do for fun?” The German replied, “In Germany we ride the autobahn, visit historical sites, and learn about the world.” “Pah!”, the French man s...

What do you call an actor who steals cheese?

Brie Larson

What did the piece of cheese say to the Starbucks barista?

Can we Havarti?

I cut my finger chopping cheese...

I think that may have grater problems

What do you call a "Grilled Cheese" after a few days in the fridge?

Chilled Grease

Updoot for blue cheese day! Yayy

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike.

There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I’m stuck here holding my rod.

A bear walks into a restaurant. He tells his waiter, “I want a grilled ... cheese.”

The waiter says, “What’s with the pause?”

“What do you mean?” The bear replies. “I am a bear!”

What did the passive aggressive cheese say?

Queso? (K......so?)

My Canadian friend eats a bowl of fries, cheese curds and brown gravy every single morning.

It's just his daily poutine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a cheese shop

"Welcome to the towns greatest cheese shop. We have all that you might want. So, what will it be?" asks the clerk.

"Nacho cheese" responds the man

Suddenly angry, the clerk shouts at the man: "Then why the fuck are you here!"

What did the quesadilla say to the tortilla last night?

Buenos no-cheese

A pirate walks into a bar

With a steering wheel on his belt buckle.

Bartender: "Oi pirate! What's with the steery thingy on ye belt?"

Pirate: "Yarr it's driving me nuts!" "Also it's me cake day so please don't be swabbing me in the blue cheese for the bad jokes"

I made an attempt!

I put way too much cheese in my omelet this morning...

I needed to take a brie-ther afterwards.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.

He walks directly up to the Madam, drops down $500, and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen darlin’, I’m not horny –...

Because of his loss in Wisconsin, Trump has put a ban on all shredded cheese.

It's the only way he can make America GRATE again.

Credit to my 12 year old son.

If Trump wins a second term he will halt all shredded cheese production.

He is going to make Americans grate again . . .

Every time my mom burns my grilled cheese sandwich I get a stomach ache...

I guess I’m black toast intolerant.

was at a restaurant the other day and overheard this conversation. Customer: "I don't eat honey, eggs, cheese, dairy or any meat products. What can I get?"

Waiter: "You can get the hell out of here"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't mess with that mouse

3 mice are sitting together when one starts bragging about how tough he is. He says, "I'm so tough, I go around collecting all the rat poison I can find, then I put it in my coffee and drink it down!". The 2nd mouse laughs and says, "That's nothing! I'm so tough, I go to mouse traps, snatch up the ...

Why are body builders so good at making cheese?

Because they have huge calves

Sandwiches

There was an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman working on the top of a cliff.

The Englishman said, "If I have cheese in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off this cliff."

The Scotsman said, "If I have jam in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff."

The Irishman said, "...

I walked up to the miserable old woman that lives at the end of my street.

I said, "What's your favourite type of sandwich?"

She said, "Probably cheese."

I said, "Cheese isn't a type of sand."

How does Mr. Miyagi eat his Babybel cheese?

Wax on, or wax off?

A hobo runs up and asks, "where's the hospital?"

"I'll call an ambulance," I replied, "are you hurt?"

"No man. I just love their cheese sandwiches."

I saw a squirrel bury a nut in my backyard today.

I'm going to swap it for a grilled cheese sandwich and blow his mind.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me and my girlfriend were planning on having sex but I said me and my little brother share a bunk bed and he’s on the bottom. She said tell him we’re making sandwiches so we came up with a plan.

Tomato Means Harder And Cheese Means Faster. So We Were Having Sex And She Was Screaming Tomato Tomato Tomato Cheese Cheese Cheese, Then My Little Brother Said Can Y’all Stop Making Sandwiches Your Getting Mayonnaise All Over My Bed.

Some dude just rubbed me down with cocoa powder, espresso, and mascarpone cheese...

Turns out he was a tiramassuse

A wedding photographer was tragically killed today when a 250lb wheel of cheese fell off the catering lorry and crushed him.

All the guests tried frantically to warn him, but to no avail.

What’s the spookiest kind of cheese?

Scream cheese.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to make macaroni and cheese

Boil a pot of water, put pasta in water and wait until soft.

Drain water from pasta.

Go into trash can to retrieve box because you forgot how much butter to add

add butter and mix

go back into trash to retrieve box because you forgot how much milk to add

add milk a...

My cheese was too kinky

It wanted to be de-grated.

Why was the cheese depressed?

Because it was bleu....


I know I know cheesy joke.. but surely we can all agree it was still gouda.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rags To Riches Success Story

A real touching success story! 

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine.  He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine. 

One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do...

I was walking down the street earlier when some guy threw a block of cheese at me

I thought to myself, "That's not very mature."

A man walks into a bar. Upon sitting down a busty blond waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food. He looks up at the menu above the bar it says:

Hot dog – $2

Cheeseburger – $5

Hand job – $10

He asks the waitress, “Miss are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” She winks and replies, “why yes I am.” He says, “Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.”

Fire Sale!

Our corner deli had a fire last week. They were right back in business the next day, though, selling smoked ham, smoked turkey, smoked cheeses....

Why did the block of cheese run in the US presidential election?

Because he wanted to make America grate again.

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrig...

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