UPJOKE
meathamburgersaladbeefsteakvealbeefsirloinburgercheeseburgerporkfish steakpork loinpizzagrilltenderloin

A "large" man is seated at a restaurant and the waiter brings an enormous steak.



A friend of the man walks by and says "Surely you're not going to eat that monstrosity alone!"

The man says, "Of course not! I also ordered mashed potatoes."

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I like my steak like sex

Extremely rare

What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $55 steak?

February 14th

What’s a tired dragon’s favorite steak?

Flaming yawn

Why did Han Solo cry during his steak dinner?

Because it was Chewie.

The waiter asked me how I like my steak. I said rare.

He said you're in luck, today's special is panda.

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, murderer?!"

Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.

Which hand do you use to cut your steak?

Neither, you use a knife.

I asked a chef if he ever served a steak raw..

He said yeah but it’s rare.

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A waitress forgot to ask a customer how he wanted his steak cooked. She returns to the table and asks him. He replies, I like my steak like I like my sex!

So the waitress turns to the kitchen and shouts, "Very rare."

Waiter: “And how would you like your steak prepared?”

Me: “Guess”
Waiter: “Medium rare?”
Me: “Well done”
Waiter: “Uhhh.”

How does a cat like its steak cooked...

Raaaaaaaare.



I know I know. Dad joke but I'm desperate for some love since it's my birthday.

Garlic powder $5.99. Steak seasoning $14.99. Pepper shaker $9.99.

Forgetting to grab your shopping bag at the grocery store counter.......spiceless

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Three college kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fuckin’ Steak, and eggs," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs.

She asks her middle child what he wants.
"Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ steak, and eggs for me," he says.
She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away.
Finally she asks her youngest son what he wants for breakfast.
"I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the...

I was at a steak house...

...when the waiter brought me my steak, holding it to the plate with his thumb.

I said, "Are you crazy? What's with your thumb on my steak?"

"Sorry," answered the waiter, "but I don’t want it to fall on the floor again."

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Went into a cafe for lunch today and ordered the nicest sounding thing on the menu, home-cooked steak pie.

"Excuse me, love." I said to the waitress, after my first bite. "This is cold."


"Well of course it is." She replied. "I live fucking miles away."

"How did you find your steak sir?"

I just looked next to the potatoes, and there it was!

In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75…

…a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15.

In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95.

In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but ...

Why does a 6 oz hamburger have less energy than a 6 oz steak?

Because the hamburger is in the ground state.

The modern steak was invented when a piece of meat accidentally fell from a shelf, hit another two shelves, and fell right into a sizzling pan

Ba dum tss

I went to a restaurant and the waiter threw my steak into my mouth

Guess I shouldn't have ordered the Kobe beef

Why didn't Gordon Ramsay upvote the picture of the lamb steak?

Because it was /r/aww

What do you call a weatherman who loves steak and watches?

A meaty horologist

A man walks into a bar and sees 2 steaks hanging from the ceiling.

He sits down and orders a beer, and asks the bartender
"what's the deal with the steaks?"

"It's a competition. If you can jump up and slap both steaks at the same time, one with each hand, you win the bar. If you try and fail, though, you pay for everyone's drinks for the rest of the nigh...

Cooking steak...

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for t...

When I had dinner with my parents at a restaurant, they argued over whether we should get french fries or mashed potatoes to go with the steak. They asked me whom I agreed with,

but I couldn't pick a side

I matched with a tinder profile that had no pics.

We chatted a bit. Smart and funny so i asked for a date. She said yes!

I'm not expecting much, probably 400lbs. But she answered the door, this little strawberry blomde with a head full of curls and all the right curves in all the right places. We exchanged our real names and i asked what sh...

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A man is obsessed with trains.

A man is obsessed with trains, so he finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death.


Before he is executed, he is offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which...

I cooked a medium-rare steak for my friend, and he said, “I like it Well Done.”

I said, “Thanks buddy. That means a lot.”

What is Gru’s favorite steak?

Filet Minion…

I was griling a steak earlier and the smell of the juices made my mouth water....

Got me thinking....Do vegetarians have the same effect when mowing a lawn ?

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A guy walks into a bar with an Ostrich

A man walks Into a bar with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a beer,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That wi...

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Just a friendly reminder to show respect to Ramadan

Yes, yes. I know we all like to have a good laugh about certain things. But Ramadan is a very important and sacred time for Muslims. And as a non-Muslim, I have since learned that we need treat it with some respect.

See, my next door neighbour is a Muslim. Ever since the start of Ramadan, I h...

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD t...

Someone tried to fight me because I bought the last steak.

I told him, "I don't have any beef with you."

Waiter: How would you like your steak sir?

Me: like winning an argument with my wife

Waiter: good choice, rare it is.

So I was eating out at a steak house the other night when some guy complained that the sign said Halal...

He said his beef should be killed the **American way**, to that all I could think is does he really expect a cow to enrol in a high school just to get shot by one of its peers?

I had a Bison steak at a restaurant recently.

When I finished, I asked the waiter for the buffalo bill.

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Me: What's it called when a steak is over cooked?

Dad: Well done, son

Me: I finally got you to say it, you son of a bitch

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey...

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey.

The barkeep says "That'll be 2 pence"

"2 pence!?" said the man. "That's cheap! Do you sell food?"

"Yep" , said the barkeep

"Alright, I'll have a steak and chips" replied the man

"Sure" said the barkeep, "That's also 2 pe...

When I'm grilling a steak, the smell of the juices makes my mouth water.

Wonder if that happens when a vegan mows their lawn.

A man offered me a free 72 ounce steak if I could finish it all in 30 minutes or less. I politely declined....

Upon further thought, It was a huge missed steak

I was enjoying a beautiful steak for dinner with a girl i recently met as she suddenly said "Enjoying your meat? MURDERER!??"

Like can she not bring up the fact that i shot her parents for one meal?

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A woman was cheating on her husband with 3 guys.

During one night she noticed that her husband came home earlier. She told the guys to hide in the sacks. When her husband entered the room he asked "What are these sacks doing here?". The woman answered "Well, my relatives came by and left these as a present.".

The man walked towards the firs...

I had a really tasty vegan steak last week.

Changing the subject, anyone know a good lawyer for defending a murder case?

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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

What do you call a steak that’s been knighted by the queen?

Sir Loin.

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A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

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Today is steak and blowjob day.

I asked my wife for one bloody and one well done.. I hope she gets it right!

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A married woman comes home early and finds her husband

having ferocious sex with a young attractive woman in their marital bed. She immediately says:

“You bastard, you son of a bitch, I’m calling my lawyer and divorcing you this minute, after all The love and devotion I have given you all these years, this is how you repay me?!!”

The husb...

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One day a blind man goes to a restaurant

One day a blind man goes to a restaurant

The server asked him if he’d like to see the menu

The blind man says: “no, I am blind, just bring me a dirty fork and I will smell it and order”.

The server, confused, goes to the kitchen, and brings back a dirty fork.

The blind...

I went out for a nice, juicy, rare steak for lunch and my wife said "Enjoying your meat then, Murderer?"

I replied: "Can we not just have one lunch without you mentioning that time I shot your mother?"

How to make your steak taste better?

Eat it with bunch of vegans on the dinner table.

The famed Montana Buffalo Steak

A cowboy rode to Montana to try the famed Buffalo Steak he had heard about in his travels. He ventured to a tribe of Natives and asked if they had ever herd of or eaten Buffalo steaks before. He of course did not speak their language, but they understood his silly gestures, nodded and equally gestur...

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Do you know the difference between a steak and a penis?

No? Good! I'll buy you dinner.

What do you call a 100cm long steak?

A meater.

What happens when you drop a steak on the floor?

It becomes ground beef.

I was choking on a piece of steak one night [this actually happened]

While eating dinner with my family, I started to eat a piece of steak and ended up choking.

I then stood up, with saliva coming out of my mouth, I held my neck and turned red in the face.

I looked over at my parents who were just sitting at the table staring back at me.

I contin...

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An American and a Russian die and go to Hell... (Long)

They are met at the gates by Satan, who offers them a choice: They can either go to American Hell or Russian Hell.

Both new arrivals are curious as to what the difference is, so Satan explains that in American Hell you are free to do whatever you want; you'll find that we have all the finest...

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I'm done with waiters in restaurants asking me how did i find the steak

I just look next to The potatoes and it's right fucking there

If steak could rap, why would its prefix only be Big or Lil'?

Because medium rare

What kind of steak do SoundCloud rappers like?

Skirrrt steak.

Jim walked into a bar....

Jim, walked into a bar and aggressively shouted his order to the bartender

”Please give me a plate of chicken wings and then give everyone half a kilo steak and mutton, cause when I eat,
I want everyone to eat!”

The bartender complies, by giving Jim a plate of chicken wings and eve...

How does Lady Gaga like her steak?

Raw Raw Raw-Raw-Raw

Waiter: How did you find you steak sir

Me: It was delicious. Cooked to perfection.

Waiter: That's not what I meant

Me: The cook told me where you hid it

Han Solo ordered a steak in the shape of a Wookie.

He sent it back to the kitchen because it was a little chewy.

Guy orders a steak at a restaurant.

The waiter brings it out and its rare.

"Excuse me, I said well done." says the guy

"Oh sorry, I didn't hear you", says the waiter, "Thanks very much!"

I cracked open two eggs for breakfast this morning. One had two yolks, the other had a little chunk of steak.

The double-yolker was great! The meaty-yolker was just okay.

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Whats the difference between a steak, an egg, and a blow job?

You can beat your meat and beat an egg, but you sure cant beat a blow job

Went out for dinner. After my meal, my waiter asked me how I found my steak.

I said "I looked for my baked potatoe and there it was."

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Sex is like steak

you may enjoy it raw but that's how you get diseases

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$150 for a steak, I could never justify spending that on something that last 5 mins.

That's why I'd never pay for sex.

I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.

It will be for people who love meat tender.

I ate a donkey steak today

It tasted like ass

I suggested a unique slogan to my favorite steak place...

We have a place for all God's creatures...right next to the mashed potatoes.

What's the Russian word for dry-aged steak?

"Moss Cow."

What's an Englishmans favourite steak?

Tea-bone

What’s the difference between and steak and a rock?

One is pretty meaty, the others a little meteor.

Girls look at me like I'm a steak

And they're vegan

I tried a vegan steak the other day and it was really good!

Cannibalism isnt for everyone but I sure like it!

Why did the astronomer take a steak to the bathroom?

Because he wanted a meatier shower.

What’s the difference between an Anime villain and a steak?

You know when ones been chopped in half

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