What’s a tired dragon’s favorite steak?

Flaming yawn

How does a cat like its steak cooked...

Raaaaaaaare.



I know I know. Dad joke but I'm desperate for some love since it's my birthday.

You know that mouth-watering sensation you get when you're grilling a fat, juicy steak?

I wonder if vegans get that when they mow the lawn.

So I was eating out at a steak house the other night when some guy complained that the sign said Halal...

He said his beef should be killed the **American way**, to that all I could think is does he really expect a cow to enrol in a high school just to get shot by one of its peers?

I was griling a steak earlier and the smell of the juices made my mouth water.... Got me thinking....

Do vegetarians have the same effect when mowing a lawn ?

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I have my steaks like I have sex!

Very rare.

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Went to a steak house and the waitress asked how I wanted my steak.

I said, "just like I want my sex." She said, "we don't make them that rare."

Waitress "How did you find your steak tonight?"

"I looked next to my potatoes and there it was"...

Which hand do you use to cut your steak?

Neither, you use a knife.

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Do you know the difference between a steak and a penis?

No? Good! I'll buy you dinner.

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant (pre Covid)

Suddenly, a girl walked towards me and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, MURDERER??"

"Seriously Vanessa, it was 20 years ago and your dad had a knife..."

Han Solo didn’t like his steak…

… because it was Chewy.

When I had dinner with my parents at a restaurant, they argued over whether we should get french fries or mashed potatoes to go with the steak. They asked me whom I agreed with,

but I couldn't pick a side

How does Lady Gaga like her steak?

Raw Raw Ra-aw.

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I went into the cafe for lunch today and ordered the nicest looking thing on the menu, home-cooked steak pie. After taking the first bite, I called the owner over. "This is cold!", I complained..

"Well of course it is." She replied, "I live fucking miles away."

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A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing hap...

What do you call a 100cm long steak?

A meater.

Waiter: “And how would you like your steak prepared?”

Me: “Guess”

Waiter: “Medium rare?”

Me: “Well done”

Waiter: “Uhhh..”

Jokes about steaks are rare...

But they are usually well done

If McDonalds sold fancy steaks they’d call them Filet Mc’gnons

...also it’s my 5 year cake day so shower me in internet points or however this works I dunno. Thanks!

Whats a racecar drivers favorite steak?

SKIRRRRRRRRRT

A man walks into a bar and sees 2 steaks hanging from the ceiling.

He sits down and orders a beer, and asks the bartender
"what's the deal with the steaks?"

"It's a competition. If you can jump up and slap both steaks at the same time, one with each hand, you win the bar. If you try and fail, though, you pay for everyone's drinks for the rest of the nigh...

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I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

How to make your steak taste better?

Eat it with bunch of vegans on the dinner table.

What kind of steak do SoundCloud rappers like?

Skirrrt steak.

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Today is steak and blowjob day.

I asked my wife for one bloody and one well done.. I hope she gets it right!

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey...

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey.

The barkeep says "That'll be 2 pence"

"2 pence!?" said the man. "That's cheap! Do you sell food?"

"Yep" , said the barkeep

"Alright, I'll have a steak and chips" replied the man

"Sure" said the barkeep, "That's also 2 pe...

I hate steak jokes.

Good ones are rare.

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

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I'm done with waiters in restaurants asking me how did i find the steak

I just look next to The potatoes and it's right fucking there

What do you call a cow...

...with 2 legs?
Lean Beef.
...with no legs?
Ground beef.
...with no legs burried halfway in the dirt?
Steak.

If steak could rap, why would its prefix only be Big or Lil'?

Because medium rare

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A boy finally works up the courage to ask the girl he likes out on a date.

The girl, liking him back, agrees to go on the date.

The boy tells her "Before we go on our date, there's something I have to tell you about myself. I only eat insects."

The girl finds this to be very strange but accepts it because she likes him.

They go out to dinner and the gi...

A guy brings his new blonde girlfriend to a family dinner

His parents are devoutly religious and he was born and raised in the south, so he's nervous - he gave her some pointers beforehand so everything would go smoothly.

After having a lovely conversation where his parents have warmed up to his girlfriend, they sit at the table and dig in. The guy ...

Waiter: How did you find you steak sir

Me: It was delicious. Cooked to perfection.

Waiter: That's not what I meant

Me: The cook told me where you hid it

"Two steaks please", I asked the writer. "Rare for me, medium rare for my friend."

He brought us a lovely bit of panda and a nice chunk of giraffe.

My mouth waters when I smell steak on a grill

I wonder if the same happens to vegans taken they mow the lawn

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Me: What's it called when a steak is over cooked?

Dad: Well done, son

Me: I finally got you to say it, you son of a bitch

Went out for dinner. After my meal, my waiter asked me how I found my steak.

I said "I looked for my baked potatoe and there it was."

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There’s something very weird about this pet shop…

Joe loved his dog. Only one problem - his dog wasn’t housebroken. Joe tried everything, read every dog training book, bought every device on the market. But the dog was untrainable. Finally, he saw an ad for a pet shop that guaranteed results. Desperate, he gave it a try.

The pet shop was ve...

There's a new company that's planning to feed cows a diet of cannabis mixed in with their food.

They claim that the relaxed cattle produce more milk, and tender meat. The issue is that the legal costs of this are through the roof, and even the best estimates are that they won't turn a profit until 2034. The steaks have never been higher.

A bunch of cows where playing poker while smoking weed

... the steaks were high

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I recently picked a new primary care doctor

After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned forty in July) A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?"<...

When the cow jumped over the moon...

Never have the steaks been so high.

I asked a chef if he ever served a steak raw..

He said yeah but it’s rare.

What's the difference between a 20 dollar steak and a 55 dollar steak?

February 14th

Everyone’s heard of weed brownies.

But of a buddy of mine recently had a fierce competition on injecting hemp oil into rib eyes and who could cook the better piece.

Boy I’ll tell you… the steaks were high.

Starved boy and Pork chop.

Today I went out from steak house and found a starved boy looking inside.

Are you hungry little boy? I asked him.

I never had a chance to eat pork chop, he replied.

So I invited him inside and order one for him.

He looked even more sad and said nothing.

Something i...

No nuts please

Her: I'll have the salad, no nuts please
Waiter: Of course
Me: It didn't say it had nuts?
Her: I'm allergic, so I tell them to be safe
Me: That makes sense
Waiter: and for you?
Me: Steak, no bees, please.

How do you kill a vampire with high cholesterol?

By driving a steak through his heart.

What do Gru in Despicable Me call his steaks?

Filet Minons!

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD t...

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Fruit Stand

A guy was driving down a long stretch of country highway, when he approached a fruit stand. The sign above read, "We have peaches that taste like anything and everything, guaranteed!" The man thought about it, and decided to stop. He thought this has to be bullshit. So he approaches the old, feeble ...

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The Mint Contest

John runs a candy shop, selling mints of all kinds. Business was good, until Covid hit.

John realized he’ll have to shut down the store and risk losing his business, unless he could figure out a way to advertise and sell his confections on the Internet. His nephew suggested running a contest ...

What’s it called when you drop a steak in the supermarket?

Ground beef...

I order my steaks medium.

I just don't think I can finish a large.

A man walks into his favorite restaurant…

He sits down and orders a medium rare ribeye steak. As he’s eating, he looks up and sees a woman giving him a dirty look. The man assumes the woman is a vegetarian since she is only eating a large bowl of salad and greens.
The man tries to ignore her but after a few uncomfortable minutes he puts...

Why did the mountain top butcher shop go out of business?

The steaks were to high.

I order my steak meduim

I'm just not sure if I can finish a large.

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A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $18.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket an...

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$150 for a steak, I could never justify spending that on something that last 5 mins.

That's why I'd never pay for sex.

A sandwich walks in a bar and asks for a steak.

The bartender says: We don't serve food

I suggested a unique slogan to my favorite steak place...

We have a place for all God's creatures...right next to the mashed potatoes.

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My neighbor’s dog keeps going in my yard

I tell my neighbor politely a few times to keep his dog in his yard, but every evening I come out to a fresh pile.

I tell him to clean it up, but he never does, so I give him an ultimatum: “The next time your dog comes into my yard I am going to cook him.”

The next day, sure as anythin...

A Man and his Wife Order Steaks at an Exclusive Restaurant.

“How would you like your meat sir?” Asks the waiter.

“Well done !” Replies the man

“Thanks, I’m really good at my job,” replies the waiter, “while you’re thinking about how you like your meat, I’ll ask your wife.”

The waiter then turns to the man’s wife.

“Ma’am, what kind...

Police are trying to rescue a cow lost in a cannabis field.

The steaks has never been higher.

What did the vampires wife say when he put ketchup on his steak?

Please don’t bring your work home

What's the worst that could happen to an heretic cow ?

Being burned to the steak

I took my wife to a restaurant

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....

What did Han Solo think of his steak?

He thought it was a little chewie.

When I'm grilling a steak, the smell of the juices makes my mouth water.

Wonder if that happens when a vegan mows their lawn.

How do you know that steaks are only cut from male cows?

Because a steak cut from a female cow would be a miss steak.

I tried a vegan steak the other day and it was really good!

Cannibalism isnt for everyone but I sure like it!

What do you call a steak made of little yellow guys?

A filet minion

What's the Russian word for dry-aged steak?

"Moss Cow."

What’s the difference between a loin steak and sirloin steak?

The Sir loin is knighted

Why wouldn’t the cattle rancher take the bet that he could raise his cows on marijuana instead of actual grass?

The steaks were too high.

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A man goes for dinner at a fancy restaurant...

He orders the nicest glass of wine on the menu.

"What do you think?" asks the waiter.

"I could piss out better wine than this!" the man exclaims.

"I'd like to see that," says the waiter.

So the man takes a pee in an empty wine glass and hands it to the waiter.

The ...

Just as quarantine ends, you win your choice of an all-expenses-paid vacation anywhere in the world for you and your spouse, or a steak dinner with your friends. Which do you choose...

(a) medium rare,
(b) medium, or
(c) well done?

Bragging about a dog

My friend Mike was talking about how well behaved his dog is. He said, " Why, I could set a steak down on the coffee table and leave the room and she would not even touch it".

I said, " Come on , Mike. Even I know you're a better cook than that".

I walked into my local pub...

Much to my surprise, I noticed slabs of meat attached to the ceiling. I asked what it was all about.

The barman said “if you can jump and touch the slabs of meat on the ceiling, you win free drinks for the rest of the night. However, if you don’t reach it you have to pay up £50... how does th...

Why did the astronomer take a steak to the bathroom?

Because he wanted a meatier shower.

I know my steak's going to taste good. Just measured it. 23cm.

A prime cut.

What happens when a dragon gets bored of strip steaks?

Flaming Yawn

What's an Englishmans favourite steak?

Tea-bone

A Frenchman Visits Texas

A French man came to Texas to visit an old friend from WW2. The Texan picked him up in his gigantic Cadillac with longhorns mounted on the hood. Knowing that his friend must be hungry and thirsty after the long flight, he stopped at a bar and grill on the way. They walked in and took a seat at the b...

A Gen Z kid and a boomer walk into a bar

They sit down and the Gen Z kid orders from the gluten free vegan menu and the boomer orders a T-Bone steak.

They start chatting and the Gen Z kid says that social justice issues are the biggest problem facing the world, and that the white supremacist patriarchy is a plague on society. ...

Due to covid-19, I am not able to have a wonderful wagyu steak dinner at a restaurant for my anniversary

Usually it's due to the lack of money.

A man in a pub asks for a beer.

A man in a pub asks for a beer.

The barman says, "Sure, that'll be one dollar."

"One dollar?" exclaims the man.

Reading the menu, he says, "Could I have steak and chips?"

"Certainly," says the barman, "that'll be two dollars."

"Two dollars?" cries the man.
...

What do you call a steak that tastes bad?

A MISsteak

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A politician, drug dealer, beekeeper, priest, doctor, lawyer, accountant, engineer, prostitute, programmer, nurse, chef, forensic analyst, biologist, truck driver and a writer walk into a bar

It is a big bar. Very big one. And empty, or at least it was empty until this large group of people entered it.

They all form a queue in front of the bar and order drinks one by one. The politician gets a Heineken, the drug dealer orders a Budweiser, the beekeeper gets a mead, the priest buy...

I went out for a nice, juicy, rare steak for lunch and my wife said "Enjoying your meat then, Murderer?"

I replied: "Can we not just have one lunch without you mentioning that time I shot your mother?"

What’s the difference between and steak and a rock?

One is pretty meaty, the others a little meteor.

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Is your ass a steak.

Cause its round, juicy, and I want to eat it.

At the office barbecue, I grilled a medium rare steak for my boss, and he said, “I like it well done!”

I said, “Thanks. That means a lot.”

What’s the difference between an Anime villain and a steak?

You know when ones been chopped in half

I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.

It will be for people who love meat tender.

Han Solo ordered a steak in the shape of a Wookie.

He sent it back to the kitchen because it was a little chewy.

I sometimes order an undercooked steak.

But it’s rare.

Why does a 6 oz hamburger have less energy than a 6 oz steak?

Because the hamburger is in the ground state.

Why didn't Gordon Ramsay upvote the picture of the lamb steak?

Because it was /r/aww

How does a British dinosaur like it’s steak?

RAWR

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