I was griling a steak earlier and the smell of the juices made my mouth water....

Got me thinking....Do vegetarians have the same effect when mowing a lawn ?

A man walks into a bar and sees 2 steaks hanging from the ceiling.

He sits down and orders a beer, and asks the bartender
"what's the deal with the steaks?"

"It's a competition. If you can jump up and slap both steaks at the same time, one with each hand, you win the bar. If you try and fail, though, you pay for everyone's drinks for the rest of the nigh...

What’s a tired dragon’s favorite steak?

Flaming yawn

I order my steak meduim

I'm just not sure if I can finish a large.

What happens when you drop a steak on the floor?

It becomes ground beef.

How does Lady Gaga prefer you cook her steak?

Raw
Raw
Raw-raw
Raw


I will see myself out

A blonde orders a steak

The waiter asks “How would you like it cooked?”

The blonde says “Well done”

I order my steaks medium.

I just don't think I can finish a large.

How do Lions like their steak?

Roar.

My mouth waters when I smell steak on a grill

I wonder if the same happens to vegans taken they mow the lawn

I just bought a set of emo steak knives.

They do all the cutting by themselves.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: What's it called when a steak is over cooked?

Dad: Well done, son

Me: I finally got you to say it, you son of a bitch

I suggested a unique slogan to my favorite steak place...

We have a place for all God's creatures...right next to the mashed potatoes.

You know it’s really difficult to find a proper steak pun

It really is a Rare Medium Well done

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

$150 for a steak, I could never justify spending that on something that last 5 mins.

That's why I'd never pay for sex.

A sandwich walks in a bar and asks for a steak.

The bartender says: We don't serve food

How do you know that steaks are only cut from male cows?

Because a steak cut from a female cow would be a miss steak.

What's the Russian word for dry-aged steak?

"Moss Cow."

I went to a restaurant and ordered a mobius strip steak...

I never could finish it.

Waiter: Sir how do you like your steak?

Sir: Like winning and argument with my wife

Waiter: Rare it is!!

Why did the astronomer take a steak to the bathroom?

Because he wanted a meatier shower.

So a costumer asked the chef if anyone ever orders steak raw

The chef said "Yeah but that's rare"

I tried a vegan steak the other day and it was really good!

Cannibalism isnt for everyone but I sure like it!

What happens when a dragon gets bored of strip steaks?

Flaming Yawn

What's the difference between a 20 dollar steak and a 55 dollar steak?

February 14th

A Man and his Wife Order Steaks at an Exclusive Restaurant.

“How would you like your meat sir?” Asks the waiter.

“Well done !” Replies the man

“Thanks, I’m really good at my job,” replies the waiter, “while you’re thinking about how you like your meat, I’ll ask your wife.”

The waiter then turns to the man’s wife.

“Ma’am, what kind...

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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

What’s the difference between a loin steak and sirloin steak?

The Sir loin is knighted

At the office barbecue, I grilled a medium rare steak for my boss, and he said, “I like it well done!”

I said, “Thanks. That means a lot.”

I saw an art display made out of steaks

It was a rare medium well done.

I know my steak's going to taste good. Just measured it. 23cm.

A prime cut.

What do you call a steak made of little yellow guys?

A filet minion

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How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

What did Han Solo think of his steak?

He thought it was a little chewie.

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent? ' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel" the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jim Bob and the Blow Job Frog

A man is selling frogs in a box for $100 each. A sign says “Blow Job Frogs $100”.

Jim Bob walks up and looks in the box “No way one of those frogs is worth $100.”

Salesman “Take one down the alley and try it; If you don’t like it put it back and leave.”

Jim Bob does and comes b...

Due to covid-19, I am not able to have a wonderful wagyu steak dinner at a restaurant for my anniversary

Usually it's due to the lack of money.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Will I Live to see 80?

Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, He
said I was doing fairly well for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I could not resist asking him, 'Do you think ...

Recently a new supermarket opened nearby

It has an automatic water mist generator to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it starts the mist, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk section, you hear cows mooing and you get the scent of freshly cut hay.

In the meat depar...

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, murderer?!"

Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.

I was choking on a piece of steak one night [this actually happened]

While eating dinner with my family, I started to eat a piece of steak and ended up choking.

I then stood up, with saliva coming out of my mouth, I held my neck and turned red in the face.

I looked over at my parents who were just sitting at the table staring back at me.

I contin...

What's an Englishmans favourite steak?

Tea-bone

I bet my butcher $1,000 that he couldn't reach the beef on the top shelf without a ladder.

He said the steaks were too high.

My cows just wandered into a field of Marijuana

The steaks have never been so high.

A pair of Estranged brothers.

There once were two brothers born to a somewhat well off family. The younger one was exemplary. He always excelled in his classes, went to the best university in the country, and became a renowned lawyer. The older one was pretty average. He was the middle of his class, went to a local community col...

I heard they just opened a BBQ restaurant near the top of Mt. Everest

Careful though, the steaks are high.

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And then the fight started . . .

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'
  
And then the fight started...

----------

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do yo...

What’s the difference between and steak and a rock?

One is pretty meaty, the others a little meteor.

Did you hear about the cow that gambled over weed?

It was a high steaks game.

her: I'll have the salad, no nuts, please.

**waiter:** of course

**me:** it didn’t say it had nuts

**her:** I'm allergic, so I tell them to be safe

**me:** that makes sense

**waiter:** and for you?

**me:** steak, no bees, please.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a restaurant...

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Is your ass a steak.

Cause its round, juicy, and I want to eat it.

When I'm grilling a steak, the smell of the juices makes my mouth water.

Wonder if that happens when a vegan mows their lawn.

How does a British dinosaur like it’s steak?

RAWR

I sometimes order an undercooked steak.

But it’s rare.

What do you call it when one cow spies on another?

A steak out

What do you call a barbeque for the FBI?

A steak-out

I quit my career as a professional poker player, and I decided to open a grocery store.

For the first couple weeks, I didn’t earn much money. Then, I decided to rearrange the meat and the snacks in my store. I started earning lots of money. I knew that I would succeed when the chips were down and the steaks were high.

Two cowboys are sitting in a restaurant when a lady at the next table begins choking on a piece of steak. One of the cowboys jumps up grabs the lady, yanks down her panties, and plants a big wet kiss firmly on her bottom. The startled woman coughs loudly and out flies the piece of steak.

As the cowboy returns to the table, his friend says "I've heard of that 'hind lick' maneuver but I've never seen it performed before."

Vegan Meat

I went to a steak restaurant if they had a vegan option available. They told me that all of their meat is vegan.

I was a bit surprised and they offered to show me how they make their food. I was taken to a door near the back where some cows where grazing. One was taken and beheaded. Then an...

Waiter: I'm glad you enjoyed your dinner. How did you find the steak?

Person: Super easy, it was right next to the potatoes!

Fire broke out at a local marijuana farm, and the smoke drifted to a nearby cattle ranch.

The steaks could not have been higher.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pope goes into a steakhouse

A waiter immediately rushes up to him, but before he can say anything the Pope holds up his hand. "Please," says the Pope, "no fuss. I just wanted to slip away for a few hours and enjoy some good food." And the waiter gives him a nod and says, "No problem, let's find you a quiet seat at the back whe...

I was offered a free meal at Texas Roadhouse and didn’t take it. I realize now...

That it was a Missed Steak.

My family had Wookiee steak for dinner.

It was fine, just a little chewy...

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with long legs?

High steaks.

What do you call a cow in an elevator?

Raising the steaks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a brothel...

Which is well known for its good looking ladies and good food.
He walks up to the desk and slams £1000 on the counter "I'd like the toughest most over cooked steak you do and the ugliest girl you have for one hour. But she needs to tell me she has a headache and to do it myself" The madame looks ...

At the steak house my wife exclaims, "Stop playing with your knife! You'll hurt yourself!" I reply, "These knives are so dull ...

A Rabbi would be furious and a foreskin would be irritated."

Two men walk into a bar and see a sign behind the bar...

the sign reads "FREE Drinks if you complete the 'Task'"

They call the barman over and enquire about the sign

"It's true" say the barman, "free drinks all night if you complete the Task"

Curious, Man 1 asks "so whats the Task?"

"If you look directly up, you'll see two Sirl...

According to a recent poll 9 out of 10 people have never had Steak Tartare.

Apparently it's very rare.

I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.

It will be for people who love meat tender.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Origin of the words Stake and Steak

Today,my boss asked me the difference between Steak and Stake. He meant spelling, but I thought he meant the whole difference.And lucky for him, I actually know the answer to this one.
So, back in the middle ages, before we realized cows could give meat and we just knew they could give milk, ri...

My dad told me this joke in Serbian years ago. Hope it translates well.

A man is terminally ill and has 3 months left to live. Seeing as he was a holy man for all his life, God gave him a visit and granted him 3 wishes. The man ponders for a few minutes then asks for his first wish.

“God, I’d love to have a nice steak dinner and some brandy to wash it down with.”...

What did farmer say when his wife didn't allow him to buy a prized cow?

That it was a big missed-steak

Han Solo goes to a restaurant and orders a steak. The waiter asked how tender he’d like his steak to be.

Han said “Make it Chewie.”

I went out for a nice, juicy, rare steak for lunch and my wife said "Enjoying your meat then, Murderer?"

I replied: "Can we not just have one lunch without you mentioning that time I shot your mother?"

What did the steak tell his son after he won the spelling bee?

Well-done

Are are you rare steak?

‘cause I would eat you even if you were bleeding.

HR

One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR director was tragically hit by a bus and died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven", said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a prob...

Vegans

A t-Rex met a vegan one day who claimed that she knew the Rex, but he never met herbivore.



Alright I know it’s bad, but I don’t carrot at all. I’ve bean at worse places before.


Btw I would like to state that I believe people can choose to eat whatever they want, and being a...

A lady walks into a restaurant

When she sits down she ask the waiter,

“Excuse me, what is the food of the day?”

“Well ma’am we are serving a 250 gram Angus eye fillet steak.”

“Well I’ll get that medium rare.”

The waiter walks away and comes back 10 minutes later with the steak. He places it down and sh...

I got offered to eat raw beef, but I said no.

I figured the steaks were too high and I probably shouldn’t brisket.

Han Solo ordered a steak in the shape of a Wookie.

He sent it back to the kitchen because it was a little chewy.

A dumb joke I thought of a couple weeks ago.

A truck carrying cows and a truck carrying cannabis get into a car accident. Neither party can agree on who’s fault the accident was, so they hire a detective. This is the detective’s first day on the job and his boss tells him, “If you can solve this case you get a promotion, however if you fail yo...

Why does a burger have less energy than a steak?

Because it's in its ground state.

What did the pet fish say when the cook served fish steak for dinner?

Oh my Cod!

Did you hear about the cattle farmer that experimented with feeding his cow cannabis?

The results were promising at first but it turned out the steaks were too high.

my gf always worries that I will cheat on her if I am on a night out

I reassure her "why would I have a kebab when I have the best steak ever at home"

But when you are drunk those greasy kebabs sure are tasty

A cow accidentally ate a bunch of marijuana leaves

and the steaks were quite high

Three dinosaurs stumble upon a lamp in the desert.

One of them rubs the lamp and out pops a genie. "In exchange for freeing me, I shall grant each of you one wish," said the genie.

Excited and clamoring amongst each other, the dinosaurs began to dream of meat.

The first one piped up, "I wish it would rain pepperoni and drumsticks!" The...

- Waiter! Is this a beef or pork steak?

\- Can't you tell by the taste of it?

\- No!

\- Then why do you care?

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