The 94+ Best Steak Jokes

A "large" man is seated at a restaurant and the waiter brings an enormous steak.

A friend of the man walks by and says "Surely you're not going to eat that monstrosity alone!"

The man says, "Of course not! I also ordered mashed potatoes."

What’s a tired dragon’s favorite steak?

Flaming yawn

What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $55 steak?

February 14th

The waiter asked me how I like my steak. I said rare.

He said you're in luck, today's special is panda.

Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner?

It was Chewie

Which hand do you use to cut your steak?

Neither, you use a knife.

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A waitress forgot to ask a customer how he wanted his steak cooked. She returns to the table and asks him. He replies, I like my steak like I like my sex!

So the waitress turns to the kitchen and shouts, "Very rare."

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A man, obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death.

Before he is sentenced, he is offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he is led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing happen...

What is Gru’s favorite steak?

Filet Minion…

Someone tried to fight me because I bought the last steak.

I told him, "I don't have any beef with you."

Cooking steak...

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for t...

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Will I live to be 75

So I went to see my new primary care doctor and he tells me I'm doing 'fairly well' for my age.

I'm like, 'Okay, but am I gonna make it to 75?'

And he's like, 'Well, do you smoke, drink, or do drugs?'

So I'm like, 'No, no, and no.'

Then he goes, 'Do you eat rib-eye stea...

What do you call a cow that gets sent to the slaughterhouse by accident?

Miss Steak

How does a cat like its steak cooked...

Raaaaaaaare.

I know I know. Dad joke but I'm desperate for some love since it's my birthday.

Waiter: “And how would you like your steak prepared?”

Me: “Guess”

Waiter: “Medium rare?”

Me: “Well done”

Waiter: “Uhhh..”

In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75…

…a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15.

In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95.

In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but ...

Waiter: How would you like your steak sir?

Me: like winning an argument with my wife

Waiter: good choice, rare it is.

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A woman was cheating on her husband with 3 guys.

During one night she noticed that her husband came home earlier. She told the guys to hide in the sacks. When her husband entered the room he asked "What are these sacks doing here?". The woman answered "Well, my relatives came by and left these as a present.".

The man walked towards the firs...

Roses are Red, Violets are smaller...

Your Valentine's steak will cost $85

I had a really tasty vegan steak last week.

Changing the subject, anyone know a good lawyer for defending a murder case?

A man walks into a bar and sees 2 steaks hanging from the ceiling.

He sits down and orders a beer, and asks the bartender
"what's the deal with the steaks?"

"It's a competition. If you can jump up and slap both steaks at the same time, one with each hand, you win the bar. If you try and fail, though, you pay for everyone's drinks for the rest of the nigh...

My friend burnt our steaks earlier

I told him that they weren't even well done, they were congratulations

I was nervous the first time I gave a cow, weed

The steaks were high

A guy walks into a busy bar and sees two ribeye steaks hanging from the ceiling.

He asks the bartender what’s up with the steaks. The bartender tells him it’s a challenge, if he can jump and touch the ribeyes he can drink free all night. However if he try’s and fails, he has to buy everyone in the bar a drink. The bartender then asks him if he’d like to try. The man replies “No ...

Three men are sitting down in a restaurant

The waiter comes by and says "Excuse me, but there's a shortage of steak tonight and it's not on the menu."

The Texan says "What's a 'shortage?'"

The Russian says "What's a 'steak?'"

The Bostonian says "What's 'excuse me?'"

I had a Bison steak at a restaurant recently.

When I finished, I asked the waiter for the buffalo bill.

Why does a hamburger have more energy than a steak?

Because it’s in a ground state.

A man offered me a free 72 ounce steak if I could finish it all in 30 minutes or less. I politely declined....

Upon further thought, It was a huge missed steak

I was enjoying a beautiful steak for dinner with a girl i recently met as she suddenly said "Enjoying your meat? MURDERER!??"

Like can she not bring up the fact that i shot her parents for one meal?

Waitress "How did you find your steak tonight?"

"I looked next to my potatoes and there it was"...

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a guy walks into a restaurant with an ostrich...

A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "...

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A father's oldest son was born without any arms or hands...

But despite the significant challenges that this created, the son was always upbeat and positive and never complained about the tough hand (sorry!) he had been dealt. Because of this, the father always wanted to go above and beyond for his son whenever possible. As his son's 21st birthday approach...

What do you call a steak that’s been knighted by the queen?

Sir Loin.

When I had dinner with my parents at a restaurant, they argued over whether we should get french fries or mashed potatoes to go with the steak. They asked me whom I agreed with,

but I couldn't pick a side

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant (pre Covid)

Suddenly, a girl walked towards me and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, MURDERER??"

"Seriously Vanessa, it was 20 years ago and your dad had a knife..."

Three cows were playing poker while smoking weed

The steaks were high.

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Businessman

Businessman walks into a motel/brothel. Ask the lady working the front desk...I'd like a room and for an extra $500, I want your oldest, fattest, meanest, boring in bed woman and a bologna sandwich.
The receptionist looks at him confused and says for that price we could get you our youngest, kind...

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A man is in diner with his two young boys...

The waitress comes to the table to take their order. The man says, "I'll have the chicken fried steak."

She jots that down and asks the oldest boy "What would you like, sweetie?"

The boys answers, "I'll have a god damn cheeseburger."

The father angrily backhands the boy.
...

What do you call a cow that tells you how.to.run your business?

A controlling steak

How do you stop a vegan vampire?

With a steak through its heart.

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

# So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all th...

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Just a friendly reminder to show respect to Ramadan

Yes, yes. I know we all like to have a good laugh about certain things. But Ramadan is a very important and sacred time for Muslims. And as a non-Muslim, I have since learned that we need treat it with some respect.

See, my next door neighbour is a Muslim. Ever since the start of Ramadan, I h...

Why doesn't Dracula eat beef?

Because steak is bad for his heart.

So I was eating out at a steak house the other night when some guy complained that the sign said Halal...

He said his beef should be killed the **American way**, to that all I could think is does he really expect a cow to enrol in a high school just to get shot by one of its peers?

The famed Montana Buffalo Steak

A cowboy rode to Montana to try the famed Buffalo Steak he had heard about in his travels. He ventured to a tribe of Natives and asked if they had ever herd of or eaten Buffalo steaks before. He of course did not speak their language, but they understood his silly gestures, nodded and equally gestur...

I was griling a steak earlier and the smell of the juices made my mouth water....

Got me thinking....Do vegetarians have the same effect when mowing a lawn ?

I asked a chef if he ever served a steak raw..

He said yeah but it’s rare.

If McDonalds sold fancy steaks they’d call them Filet Mc’gnons

...also it’s my 5 year cake day so shower me in internet points or however this works I dunno. Thanks!

a herd of cows broke into a Colorado weed farm

Police and animal control are on scene and the steaks are high

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An American and a Russian die and go to Hell... (Long)

They are met at the gates by Satan, who offers them a choice: They can either go to American Hell or Russian Hell.

Both new arrivals are curious as to what the difference is, so Satan explains that in American Hell you are free to do whatever you want; you'll find that we have all the finest...

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I've had constipation for 3 months

Never been to the doctors in years, but took myself there as not had a number 2 in a long time.

Doc says "what have you been eating"?

I said well doc I've been eating snooker balls!!

What?? Snooker balls Charlie??

Yes doc, in the morning I have 3 reds a pink, bowl porrid...

My pronouns are Rare/Medium Rare.

And if you don't use these, my feelings and mental health is at steak...

How to make your steak taste better?

Eat it with bunch of vegans on the dinner table.

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A married woman comes home early and finds her husband

having ferocious sex with a young attractive woman in their marital bed. She immediately says:

“You bastard, you son of a bitch, I’m calling my lawyer and divorcing you this minute, after all The love and devotion I have given you all these years, this is how you repay me?!!”

The husb...

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Me: What's it called when a steak is over cooked?

Dad: Well done, son

Me: I finally got you to say it, you son of a bitch

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Today is steak and blowjob day.

I asked my wife for one bloody and one well done.. I hope she gets it right!

Why did the gambler buy Cows?

Because he wanted to raise the Steaks.

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I went into the cafe for lunch today and ordered the nicest looking thing on the menu, home-cooked steak pie. After taking the first bite, I called the owner over. "This is cold!", I complained..

"Well of course it is." She replied, "I live fucking miles away."

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD t...

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I'm done with waiters in restaurants asking me how did i find the steak

I just look next to The potatoes and it's right fucking there

The butcher

Once there was a man in a small town who decided that he wanted to be a butcher, so he bought a small store and started his own butcher shop. It was a very modest store, consisting of only a couple display cabinets, a meat grinder, and a few shelves in the refrigerator. This man quickly became known...

My mouth waters when I smell steak on a grill

I wonder if the same happens to vegans taken they mow the lawn

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Do you know the difference between a steak and a penis?

No? Good! I'll buy you dinner.

What do you call a 100cm long steak?

A meater.

What happens when you drop a steak on the floor?

It becomes ground beef.

When I'm grilling a steak, the smell of the juices makes my mouth water.

Wonder if that happens when a vegan mows their lawn.

How does Lady Gaga like her steak?

Raw Raw Raw-Raw-Raw

How do Christians like their steaks cooked?

"Well-done, good and faithful steward..."

A man walks into a bar and sees a large jar full of £20 notes and a large piece of meat hanging from the ceiling

He confronts the bartender about it, and he explains.

'You put your £20 note in the jar, and then you get 3 jumps where you can try and grab that beef on the ceiling. If you get it, you can keep it and all the money in the jar.'

The man thought about for the moment, shook his head reg...

If steak could rap, why would its prefix only be Big or Lil'?

Because medium rare

My cows started grazing on the hidden marijuana patch. I might have to cull the herd.

The steaks have never been higher.

What kind of steak do SoundCloud rappers like?

Skirrrt steak.

I cooked a medium-rare steak for my friend, and he said, “I like it Well Done.”

I said, “Thanks buddy. That means a lot.”

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One day a blind man goes to a restaurant

One day a blind man goes to a restaurant

The server asked him if he’d like to see the menu

The blind man says: “no, I am blind, just bring me a dirty fork and I will smell it and order”.

The server, confused, goes to the kitchen, and brings back a dirty fork.

The blind...

Waiter: How did you find you steak sir

Me: It was delicious. Cooked to perfection.

Waiter: That's not what I meant

Me: The cook told me where you hid it

"Two steaks please", I asked the writer. "Rare for me, medium rare for my friend."

He brought us a lovely bit of panda and a nice chunk of giraffe.

Why didn't Gordon Ramsay upvote the picture of the lamb steak?

Because it was /r/aww

I recently bought into a chain of restaurants well-known for their beef dishes

I'm now a major steak holder in the business

I cracked open two eggs for breakfast this morning. One had two yolks, the other had a little chunk of steak.

The double-yolker was great! The meaty-yolker was just okay.

Jim walked into a bar....

Jim, walked into a bar and aggressively shouted his order to the bartender

”Please give me a plate of chicken wings and then give everyone half a kilo steak and mutton, cause when I eat,
I want everyone to eat!”

The bartender complies, by giving Jim a plate of chicken wings and eve...

I went out for a nice, juicy, rare steak for lunch and my wife said "Enjoying your meat then, Murderer?"

I replied: "Can we not just have one lunch without you mentioning that time I shot your mother?"

What Did the Farmer Say When the Cow Ate his Marijuana?

The steaks are high right now

TIFU by complimenting a waiter at a steakhouse

I told him "well done!" and he decided to burn my steak?? Tf

The restaurant in Paris

Two retired couples are having dinner together.
The meal was pretty good, but one of the men said that it's nothing compared to the best steak he ever had at a small brasserie in Paris.
"Which one, do you remember the name?" Asked his friend.
Scratching his head and trying hard to recall, ...

Han Solo ordered a steak in the shape of a Wookie.

He sent it back to the kitchen because it was a little chewy.

So a guy walks into a bar and sees three steaks taped to the ceiling....

He then asks the bartender “why are there three steaks taped to the ceiling?” The bartender says “well you get one shot, if you jump up and touch one of the steaks then you get free drinks for the rest of the day, however if you miss, you must buy everyone else’s drinks for the next hour.” The guy p...

A Man and his Wife Order Steaks at an Exclusive Restaurant.

“How would you like your meat sir?” Asks the waiter.

“Well done !” Replies the man

“Thanks, I’m really good at my job,” replies the waiter, “while you’re thinking about how you like your meat, I’ll ask your wife.”

The waiter then turns to the man’s wife.

“Ma’am, what kind...

I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.

It will be for people who love meat tender.

What do Gru in Despicable Me call his steaks?

Filet Minons!

What did the butcher say about the cow that got away?

Sounds like a missed steak...

I tried a vegan steak the other day and it was really good!

Cannibalism isnt for everyone but I sure like it!

How do you know that steaks are only cut from male cows?

Because a steak cut from a female cow would be a miss steak.

Why did the astronomer take a steak to the bathroom?

Because he wanted a meatier shower.

A dog walks into a butcher shop and the butcher asks

“What do you want?” The dog points to steak in a glass case. “How many pounds?” The dog barks twice. “Anything else?” The dog points to some pork chops and barks four times. So the butcher wraps up a two-pound steak and four pork chops, and places the bag in the dog’s mouth. He then takes money from...

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