When I'm craving middle eastern food, there's this place I always go to. It's delicious, affordable, and best of all...

Israeli quick.

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I was in town last night with my girlfriend. We walked past a fancy restaurant and she went MMMMmmmmm that smells delicious. So I though, fuck it, she deserves a treat…

So I turned around and we walked past again.

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

**Principal:** What is 3+3?

**Boy:** 6.
...

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.
 

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so he m...

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Ever since the government lockdown, my neighbor has had to run her business out of her backyard. She bakes delicious pastries.

Google Back Door Cream Pies if you're interested.

A dog gets left in a forest by its owners. A tiger spots it, and thinks to itself: "What is that? It looks delicious." The dog catches wind of it though, and in a bit of quick thinking, it stands in front of a pile of bones, and shouts: "Mmmm, tiger meat is the best! I gotta hunt for more!"

The tiger kills and eats the dog, because it doesn't know dog language.

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A Tourist in Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his Cava Sangria, he noticed a sizzling, delicious looking platter being served at the next table.

Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied: "Ah, Senor. You have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight today. A delicacy!"
The tourist said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me a...

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Two friends are walking their dogs--a Dalmatian and a Chihuahua--when they smell something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant.

The guy with the Dalmatian says, "Let's get something to eat."

But the guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can’t go in there, we have dogs with us."

So the first guy says, "Just follow my lead." He puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks into the restaurant.

"Sorry," says the owner,...

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Delicious

A husband and wife are sitting around one afternoon. The man is a little bored and horny so he turns to his wife.

“Hey honey want to 69?” He asks.

“Sounds lovely,” she replies “but I’m on my period”

“That’s ok with me.”

They go upstairs and start the act. After a few mi...

I love my vegetarian-only diet.

Lambs, Cows, Deers, Rabbits. They're all vegetarians and they're delicious!!

Three brothers are arguing over who got their mom the best Mother's Day present

The first brother says "I got mom the best gift! I bought her a brand new house! It's so huge, its practically a mansion!"

The second brother says "No, I got mom the best mother's day gift! I bought her a brand new luxury car and I even hired her a chauffeur to drive her around! She just has ...

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An old Jew is walking home from work

An old Jew is walking home from work and passes a fancy restaurant. He looks in the window and sees rich people talking and laughing as they eat delicious cheese blintzes.

The old man is inspired: "blintzes for dinner!" and continues his long walk home. When he gets home, he announced to his ...

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On the sixth day

**ON THE SIXTH DAY... **

**God Creating Spiders**

God: Make it have 8 legs

Angel: Seems excessive but OK

God: And 8 eyes

Angel: You need to calm down a li-

God: Give it a bum rope

**God Creating Kittens**

God: make them fluffy & adorable li...

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A dog is on safari in the jungle with his master...

And he gets separated while chasing butterflies. Pretty soon the dog looks around and realizes he's lost. He wanders into a clearing and on the other side he sees a jaguar.

The jaguar has never seen a dog before and hesitates, wondering "what kind of animal is that?" but the dog thinks "O...

A man dies and is waiting to be transported to heaven

He asks Death about what happens next. Death replies "YOU WERE A GOOD MAN ON EARTH , YOU WILL GO TO HEAVEN , WHERE YOU WILL ENJOY ETERNAL YOUTH , YOU CAN DO BASICALLY ANYTHING YOU WANT , ANYTHING YOUR HEART DESIRES ". The man thinks to himself, "that's wonderful", and settles down for the journey....

A furniture salesman from Ontario was on a business trip in Quebec, selling furniture to various stores.

After a long day of selling furniture in Montreal, the guy was almost back in his hotel when he ran into a gorgeous woman who seemed to be interested in him. But he spoke no French, and she spoke no English. So he came up with a plan.

The guy pulled out a notepad and drew a picture of a taxi....

A man goes to a restaurant and has the most delicious turkey he's ever tasted...

He asks the chef, "How do you prepare the turkeys?"

The chef replies, "Oh, nothing special, we just tell them they're gonna die."

Two friends are walking their dogs, a Dalmatian and a Chihuahua, when they smell something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant.

The guy with the Dalmatian says, “Let’s get something to eat.”

But the guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there, we have dogs with us.”

So the first guy says, “Just follow my lead.” He puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks into the restaurant.

“Sorry,” says the owne...

One of the Secret Service agents was tempted by the delicious muffin on the president's office desk, as he slowly reached out to take a bite, the other agent stopped him and said:

"Its FOR-BIDEN!"

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Two men, Joe and bob, both virgins, died and went to heaven.

God introduces them to the heaven!
“Congrats, you get to enjoy eternal life in heaven.
But you have one rule, never eat apples from the forbidden tree” As god pointed to the tree full of delicious apples.

“Uh, what happens if someone eats from it?” Asked Joe.
God replies, “well, um,...

What is both delicious and moist?

.
.
.
.
.
.
A lie!

They opened up a restaurant on the moon.

The food is delicious but there's no atmosphere

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Holiday Dinner

A Jewish family invited their gentile neighbors for holiday dinner. The first course was set in front of them and the Jewish couple announced, "This is matzoh ball soup." On seeing the two large matzoh balls in the soup, the gentile man was hesitant to taste this strange looking brew. Gently, the Je...

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Two altar boys catch a fish. One says, “look at this huge dam fish!”

The second altar boy says, “You shouldn’t swear like that! You’re an altar boy.”

The first says, “I wasn’t swearing. A dam fish is a type of fish that lives near a dam.”

The second altar boy says, “Oh, cool. That IS a huge dam fish! Let’s go show the priest!” So they run off.

W...

The Master Chef

A master chef brags to another man that he has at long last created the perfect dish. A dish so delicious that no man alive could resist it culinary divinity.

The man asks how such a dish is possible.

The chef responds that the secret is his artfully crafted blend of herbs and spices t...

I used to have this amazing device that would lead me to the most delicious mushrooms

But now it seems i've lost my Morel Compass

TIL of Private First Class, Francis Lipton— an American soldier in the Revolutionary war– who invented a delicious new beverage while fighting at Valley Forge.

It was the first known casual tea of
War.

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes...

"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

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What do you call a delicious yellow lump of shit that swears all the time?

Cuss turd

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Amazing Apples

A man and his wife are walking through the state fair, when he notices something that clearly has to be a mistake. Taped to a table full of big beautiful apples is a sign that reads, 'Amazing Apples $10 each'. So the man tells the proprietor, "Excuse me sir but I think you made a mistake" pointing ...

A man and woman get married

(An old Jewish joke)

A few weeks into the relationship, she decides to make a delicious roast for dinner. As the husband walks into the kitchen, he sees her slice off a couple inches off each side and toss them into the trash.

"Why did you throw them out? Were they bad?"

"No," ...

Birds of no Feathers....

A man from Los Angeles took a job in San Francisco, leaving his 70 yr old, widowed mother of 6 mos to fend for herself. As her birthday was approaching, he went around asking his co-workers for ideas to get his mom a bday gift.

None of their ideas appealed to him, until someone suggested a p...

Year 4000 will be a delicious year.

MMMM

My grandma was known all over town for her delicious strawberries. She made me promise that when she died I would plant strawberries over her grave so that everyone could visit her and enjoy them. I fulfilled her wish.

She’s dead and berried.

My daughters pet lamb died today.

The grieving process was delicious.

A Frenchman Visits Texas

A French man came to Texas to visit an old friend from WW2. The Texan picked him up in his gigantic Cadillac with longhorns mounted on the hood. Knowing that his friend must be hungry and thirsty after the long flight, he stopped at a bar and grill on the way. They walked in and took a seat at the b...

A man got worms in his stomach

He went to all the doctors available but non could give him the proper treatment so he decided to go to some wise old man , the man told him " simple , go and buy the sweetest watermelon you can buy , cut it in half and sit on it , Naked . So the leader of the worms would go down to taste the waterm...

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A mother and her young daughter take a trip to the bakery where the daughter selects a delicious cupcake to eat.

On the way home the mother decides to stop and get her hair done at the hairdressers.
The mother takes a seat in the hairdressers chair and daughter plonks herself down next to Mum and starts eating her cupcake.
The hairdresser begins cutting away at Mums hair, looks down to the daughter and s...

Y’all heard of that new disease called Delicious?

It’s a perfect mix between Coronavirus and Lyme disease

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I had just finished a delicious meal at my favorite restaurant.

I walked out to my car in the parking deck, but realized I had forgotten to ask the restaurant to validate my parking.

Being a cheapskate, I walked all the way back to the restaurant, just to save a few bucks. I walked up to the hostess and asked "could you please validate me?"

She re...

The Illiterate Farmer

A group of learned professors chose to spend a relaxing vacation at a remote farm - far from the maddening crowd of the city they lived in.

Their host was a simple farmer who had never seen the inside of a school.

The professors were astonished to see the order and discipline by which ...

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A Vietnamese man who recently moved to America is down on his luck and missing home. He decides to spend his last $5 on an authentic Vietnamese dinner hoping it will remind him of home.

He finds the nearest Vietnamese restaurant and makes the walk there, hoping to make it in time before they close. When he enters the owner greets him in Vietnamese and he responds in kind. Happy to be speaking his native language again the man makes small talk with the owner. After pleasantries he a...

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Tracy is invited to her new boyfriends house for dinner.

She is very nervous because this will be her first time meeting his family. She enters the house and meets the family, however she is still
very uneasy about the whole experience. She really likes her new boyfriend and wants to make a great first impression. 

They all sit at the table wh...

A traveler stopped at a monastery and they invited him to stay for a delicious dinner of fish and chips.

After dinner he went in the kitchen and asked a guy "Are you the fish friar?" and the guy said "No I'm the chip monk."

I didn't believe my wife when she could make a delicious dinner out of an electric eel.

But when I tried it, I was shocked!

Which two letters are delicious?

C and Y

Three brothers want to do something great for their mother's birthday

All three men are wealthy as two of them are doctors and one is a lawyer.

The eldest son proclaimed that he'd buy a big new house for their mother to live in and did so.

The middle son proclaimed that he'd buy an expensive and fast new car for their mother and did so.

Then the y...

In a small South American village, a man was putting the final touches on a new cheese recipe…

The man, a chemist, was surprised at the secret ingredients that made it so delicious: sodium, carbon, hydrogen, and oxygen.

“Now I just need to give it a name…” he thought.

Suddenly, a burglar dropped out of nowhere and snagged the vat of cheesy goodness!

“STOP!” the man shoute...

What is the most delicious number?

Three thousand. Or as the Romans said, MMM!

I just read that in an alternate ending to Beauty and the Beast the Beast turns ravenous and eats Cogsworth

He was delicious, but the whole process was time consuming.

A parrot that can speak in 5 languages.

A guy goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he needs a pet for his mother. The guy says that Mom lives alone and could really use some company. 

Pet shop guy says, "I have just what she needs. A parrot that can speak in 5 languages. She'll have a lot of fun with that bird." 

Th...

Do you know why they're called 'Sperm' Whales?

Because they're delicious.

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There is a global interest in survival and the ability to thrive after an apocalypse or major crisis.

Scientists decide that sending 3 men to a deserted island for 5 years with no hope of rescue or assistance would be a good indicator.

The United States, France, and China each offer up 1 person for the study and they all get sent to their fate.

5 years later a helicopter lands on the i...

Three friends married women from different parts of the world…

The first man married a Greek woman. He told her that she was to do the dishes and clean the house. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and the dishes washed and put away…

The second man married a Thai woman. He gave his wife orders that she was to...

How delicious is the new Popeye's chicken sandwich?

It's so good I just came in my pants... didn't even want to waste time putting on a shirt or shoes.

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A Pastor's wife goes to the grocery store and is in the meat section.

She sees some meat she's never seen before and asks what it is called. "Damn ham" replies the butcher. The wife replies "Excuse me I don't appreciate that type of language." The butcher apologizes and says he didn't name it. She buys some. She takes her groceries home and begins to cook dinner....

A young cowboy walks into a dirty old Cafe in Montana.

He takes a seat at the counter and notices an old cowboy next to him with his arms crossed staring blankly at a full bowl of meaty chili.

A few minutes go by and the young cowboy gets the courage to speak up "Sir, if you ain't gonna eat that would you mind if I did?"

"It's all yours f...

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Three tourists are hiking through a massive jungle when suddenly a group of tribesmen pounce on them.

The tourists are surrounded by the tribe who all wield spears or clubs.

The tribe leader comes forth to them and says:
"We have caught you trespassing on our land. You'll be killed but it is tradition in our tribe to give you one final wish which we will fulfill to our greatest extent."...

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3 biologists are exploring an uncharted jungle...

... when suddenly they are seized by natives.

The natives tie them up and take the 3 men to the village where they are placed before the chieftain.

The chieftain says, “You have trespassed on our sacred land, and so, you must be punished. You have one chance to save yourselves from de...

Red delicious apples.

At least they got two out of three right.

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I was enjoying the most delicious burger at the food court.

A vegetarian looked at my burger and said, "You know, a cow died so you could have that burger."

Mid-bite, I looked at his salad and responded, "Maybe he died because you keep eating all its fucking food!"

Chicken Addiction

A guy really wanted to eat chicken. He was craving it for a while and he decided to go get some. But, he didn't want any of the fast food type chicken. So, he decided to cook it himself.

He goes to the butcher to buy it. The butcher gave him a live chicken. The man, surprised, asked the butch...

I ate 4 bowls of delicious alphabet soup.

After that I had a massive vowel movement.

A piece of cake

A poor boy enters the bakery begging for money. An old lady goes ahead and buys him a piece of cake, which he devours.
After that the old lady asks "boy, what is your name?"
"John", he replies.
"I just gave you a delicious cake. Do you know what you have to say to me?"
"Yes", the boy ans...

An old man was sitting on a bench in the park and crying his heart out

A passing cop stopped and asked, what happened?

Old man: I have a beautiful young wife. Every evening she cooks the most delicious meals and serves it in candle light and then we have a romantic night.

Cop: So, why are you crying?

Old man: Because, I have forgotten whe...

Hoy many beans should you put in your delicious fall chili?

239.
Any more would be too farty.

delicious!

Patient: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."

Doctor: "I've got some cream for that."

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Do you know what Christians, Hindus and Muslims agree on?

Chicken are Fucking delicious.

An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds

He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery.

One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.

"This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I accidentally...

Panda's Day Out

A panda walks into high-end restaurant and sits down at a table. A waiter quickly asks for the order and brings it to him after thirty minutes.

After the delicious meal, the panda asks for the bill. As soon as the waiter brings it, the panda whips out a pistol and shoots him. The waiter dies ...

Age brings wisdom

A cruel pet owner abandons his old dog in the deepest jungles of Africa. Wandering around, the poor old dog notices a leopard coming rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

Just then, the old dog noticed some bones laying on the ground close by. 
The dog immediately se...

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Always feed the cat

An older lady prepares steaks in the kitchen when small cat snuggles up to her leg and begs for a piece of meat by meowing. The lady pushes him off her feet. The cat snuggles up again and begs for a piece of meat.
"Get out!" she shouts at him and kicks him into a corner.
Later on her son-in-la...

It's Mother's Day and the whole family has enjoyed a delicious dinner.

As all were done, the mother stands up and as she's about to grab the empty plates, the father asks :

"Honey... what are you doing ?"

Mother : "... Bringing the dishes to the kitchen and putting them in the dishwasher, what else ?"

Father : "Come on darling, today is Mother's Da...

Why should you never crossbreed apples?

Because you might discover Granny's Cox Delicious.

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A man walks into a brothel...

Which is well known for its good looking ladies and good food.
He walks up to the desk and slams £1000 on the counter "I'd like the toughest most over cooked steak you do and the ugliest girl you have for one hour. But she needs to tell me she has a headache and to do it myself" The madame looks ...

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A circumsized bartender completes an array of delicious cocktails

He asks kindly; “any tips?”

There was a young poet called Dinesh

There was a young poet called Dinesh

Who could start but never quite finish

He began so ambitiously

Continued deliciously

Then stopped

A German, an Italian and a Chinese man arrive at a logging camp up north looking for work.

The boss sees the strapping young German and says, "you look strong and fit, here's a chainsaw, go join the fellers and help cut down some trees."
Next he looks at the Italian, a bit of a belly on him and looking well fed, and says, "You look like you know your way around the kitchen, go help in ...

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An American man walks into a restaurant in Spain and looks at the menu.

He doesn't speak a lick of Spanish, so he defaults to a passing waiter for advice on what to get. "I would recommend the *cojones*," the waiter says. "Our house specialty. The dish is sourced fresh from the bull killed by one of our bullfighters in the ring today."

So the man orders the cojo...

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Three guys survive a plane crash in the desert. They wander for days, starving and thirsty. They finally come across a lone house and knock on the door, desperate for help...

A crusty old lady answers, and says she'd be happy to help if one of them will agree to satisfy her sexually first. After a quick discussion, one of the guys decides to take one for the team. He walks in to her bedroom while the other two wait outside the house. He tells her to close her eyes and op...

There was a vendor in the area that sold delicious fruit smoothies.

One day the man disappeared.

So did the punchline.

What is the most delicious number in French? Cent? Deux cent? Trois cent?

C’est croissant!

Edible panties are delicious -

I eat them straight out of the box.

What do you call a dinosaur that only eats the most delicious food?

A connoisaur

For my birthday, my friend bought me a book called, "Road Kill Recipes". As luck would have it, the very next day, I came across some road kill, so I cooked it according to one of the recipes in the book and it was delicious...

I'm just not sure what I should do with the bike...

One of the patrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck. Her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other.

He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans.
Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.
The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes.
The next day, the church secretary...

A Group of Guys Were All Turning 30...

A group of guys were all turning 30, so they decided to go somewhere and celebrate. After some discussion, they finally settled on TJ's Tavern over in Summersville, because the prices were good and it stayed open late.

Ten years later, they were all turning 40, and they thought it might be fu...

Waiter: How did you find you steak sir

Me: It was delicious. Cooked to perfection.

Waiter: That's not what I meant

Me: The cook told me where you hid it

I remember the day my Ex sent me a breakup text, my mom asked me what I was reading.

I told her:

''Tips to cook delicious food.”

And then she asked me why I was crying. I answered:

"I have reached where they are cutting onions."

√-1 2³ ∑π

And it was delicious

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A preacher's wife is preparing for dinner and makes her way to the butcher...

"I'd like your best ham, please," she says to the butcher.

"You'll have The Damn Ham," he replies.

Taken aback, she asks, "Sir, could you please not use that sort of language around me? My husband is a preacher, and I am a devout Christian."

"No, ma'am, I think you misunderstoo...

I will fight for my right to eat delicious things.

A snacktivist if you will...

A politician dies. Instead of going straight to heaven or hell, a spirit appears to him.

The spirit tells him that, rather than being judged for his sins, he gets to choose whether he goes to heaven or hell.

The politician replies that of course he wants to go to heaven. The spirit tells him that before he chooses, he has to visit both places so each one will get a fair chance.<...

I was eating a cheeseburger when I was confronted by a vegan.

The vegan said I should give up killing and eating cows, he said I should start eating vegan. If prepared right, you will get more vitamins and enjoy it more.

At the end of the day, he was right, cooked properly, he was delicious.

What do you call Shaq if he was a delicious breakfast dish?

Shaquille Oatmeal

A man, his wife and his friend just finished diner

"It was absolutely delicious, honey! Thank you so much, princess." says the man to his wife in the kitchen. "Could you please fetch us two beers later, baby?"

His friend says: "It is very cute that you still have nicknames for her after so long time."

The man responds: "Well, I forgot ...

A woman moves to a retirement home

A woman moves to a retirement home. Her sons each decide to give her a nice gift as a token of their gratitude.
- I will buy a Ferrari for mom, the oldest says, at least half a million dollars worth, so she can enjoy a nice drive.
- I'll buy her a luxurious villa with a downstairs sleep- and b...

Vegan ribs are actually delicious!

The hardest part is hunting down the vegan.

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Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill

and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. Th...

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An American visiting Spain visited a local restaurant on Sunday. He asked the waiter about the the "Daily Special Cojones".

An American visiting Spain visited a local restaurant on Sunday. He asked the waiter about the the "Daily Special Cojones".

The waiter says, "Señor, every Sunday during bullfight season, we sell Cojones in honor of the bull fights. So yes, today we are selling bull testicles. We know the spor...

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A pastor’s wife walks into a butcher shop

She sees the most perfect looking cut of meat in the display case and asks the butcher what kind of meat it is. “That’s Dam Ham,” he replies
“I bet your PARDON?!” the lady says, “I am a good Christian woman, and I would kindly ask you not to use that kind of language.” The butcher explains, “Oh n...

Three sons left home, went out into the business world and all prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Lexus with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You know how much Mom enjoys reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the enti...

A couple of years ago Barry went hiking across Europe

But as time passed by he never returned home. His many friends tried contacting him in any way they could imagine, but his phone was disconnected, he wasn't active on his social media accounts anymore - it was like he disappeared off the face of the Earth.

Ultimately, everyone had forgotten a...

If a chocolatier and a pastry chef have a child together, will they also make delicious food?

Not Nestle Sara Lee

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Bull Testicles (this isn't necessarily NSFW but it's not for people who get grossed out easily so you've been warned)

My dad told me this a few years back

A tourist in Spain is in a restaurant near a bullfighting arena right after a bullfight.
There's a table nearby where a guy is eating a dish with two big balls in it and all around the table people are making merry.
The tourist got curious and asked ...

A cat died and went to Heaven

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”

The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a...

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A old man with a old pickup crashed into a BMW

The BMW owner said "what the fuck! Are you blind?" And the old man said "relax man!"

" How do you think that I can be relaxed, you just crashed my car! "

" Look, I produce a delicious craft beer at my house, take a bottle and chill"

He drinks the bottle and likes it, so he asks ...

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A Girl and Her Sniper Rifle

I had a friend named Sierra once. She was a pretty chill girl. Really only had two defining characteristics about her though, her love of lemon-lime sodas and her innate marksmanship. She was a damn good crackshot.


Her dad was a bit of a gun nut. Owned lots of rifles including a classic...

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