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Give me some chocolate ice cream, please!

she said to the clerk.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, we're out of chocolate".

"Ok, then, give me some chocolate ice cream".

"I told you, we don't have any!"

"Well, I'll settle for chocolate ice cream".

The exasperated clerk says
"Can you spell 'straw' as in st...

The ice cream truck is going down the street

And a lady runs after it but it doesn't see her and keeps going. She keeps following until the driver sees her in his mirror. He stops and shes out of breath

Truck driver: “hey, sorry about that, I didn't see you, what can I get you? “

Out of breath she says “I just wanted to tell you....

Why is necrophilia and ice cream similar?

It doesn't matter if it's soft or hard. All that matters is that it remains cold.

The ice cream scooper got chocolate ice cream in my vanilla ice cream.

That’s a twist.

The local ice cream shop has introduced a new mixed fruit flavour of ice cream dedicated to the president of the United States

They call it the Im-peached orange.

They say it is good, perhaps the greatest in the history of mixed fruit ice creams.

Breaking news: Philadelphia Cream Cheese's New Ad Slams Competitor Brand's product!

It's just a regular smear campaign.

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A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter,

How dairy.

Ted Bundy asks Jeffrey Dahmer you got any ice cream in the freezer?

Nah, just Ben and Jerry Jeffrey replies.

What's Trump's least favorite ice cream flavor?

Peach Mint.

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A woman walks into an ice cream shop

And orders a chocolate ice cream. The young man assisting her kindly informs her they are a unique ice cream shop and only sell two flavors, Vanilla and Strawberry.

She replies rudely, “Well this is news to me so I’ll obviously need more time to decide.”

She’s staring at the menu with...

“ Hay Ernie would you like some ice cream?”

“Sure Burt”

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I used to think that clowns doing the 1930’s cream pie gag was hilarious

Until I realized that I too have also been creampied by clowns

A bear walks into an ice cream shop

Ice cream man: What can i get for ya?

Bear: Hi, i'd like a scoop of the chocolate...

ICM:

Bear:

ICM:

Bear: Chip.

ICM: Alright! One scoop of chocolate chip coming right up! By the way, what's with the pause?

Bear: \*waving paws in the air\* I'm a be...

[A cinema ticket office attendant told me this] Q. How does Reese eat ice cream?

A. Witherspoon

Why couldn’t the colourblind man sell ice cream?

His cones don’t work

I was offered a job at the local ice cream shop

But I turned it down.

I don't like working on sundaes.

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor

.. and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied,

'Arthritis.'

What’s a horses favorite type of ice cream?

Sher-bit

Applying cream

I went back to see my doctor today.

I said, "I applied the hemmeroid cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction."

"Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked.

I replied "on the bus."

As a mom was bribing her child with an ice cream cone to behave, she sighs,

“Why can’t you be good-for-nothing like your dad?”

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What kind of ice cream would Phil Lesh eat if he were gay?

Been in Jerry’s.

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A woman walks into an ice cream parlour

A woman walks into an ice cream parlour and askes for a scoop of chocolate ice cream. "Im sorry, ma'am, but we're out of chocolate ice cream" "Ok. Then I guess I'll have a pint of chocolate ice cream." "Sorry. But we dont have any more chocolate ice cream." "Alright. Then can I have a quart of choco...

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Kowalski goes into the ice cream parlor and orders a chocolate ice cream..

”I’m sorry, sir,” says the clerk, ”but we are out of chocolate.”

”Oh,” says Kowalski, ”in that case I will take some chocolate.”

”No, no, sir,” says the clerk, ”you don’t understand. We have run out of chocolate.”

”Oh,” says Kowalski, ”then, just give me some chocolate.”
...

The other day I carried a jar of sour cream into the sea. Some guy comes up to me and asked what I was doing

I said I was taking a dip in the ocean

Two women are eating ice cream

One is licking her ice cream and the other one biting it. Sherlock and Wattson are sitting and looking at them.

Sherlock asks: "Wattson, try to guess which of those two women is married?"

Wattson replies: "Hmm, I guess the one thats licking her ice cream isnt married."

Sherlock...

I've been prescribed anti-gloating cream.

I can't wait to rub it in.

Back in the day, if you had a quarter at a gas station you could come out with a canister of ice cream, or a few candy bars.

Now they have cameras.

An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things.

Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes. When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?" "Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish o...

I used to drive an ice cream truck

Until I got arrested for theft

Did you hear about the new antiseptic healing cream that’s actually just a placebo?

They call it Pseudocrem.

Today I realised that eating ice cream isn't filling the emptiness I feel inside.

But I'm no quitter.

Which ice cream do weasels prefer?

Popsicles.

Now you may say, "Hi, dad!"

Astronaut 1: hey I can't find any milk for my coffee

Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.

What do you call jalapeño flavored ice cream?

Spice cream.

The Genie offered me one wish. I asked for a McDonald's ice cream. When he told me the machine was broken and he couldn't do the impossible I got to pick another wish. I asked him for an original joke on reddit. He agreed to grant my wish but had one last question...

Would you like that in a cone or a cup?

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I felt pretty sick after drinking milk with cream.

My stomach was churning for a while, but now I’m finally feeling butter.

An Ice cream parlour was broken into near me

Apparently they made off with Hundreds and thousands

What do you call a dispute between ice cream about their kids?

A custardy battle

There was this physicist who came to the ice cream bar every day

to buy two ice creams: one for himself and another that he offers to the empty spot next to him.

Eventually, the ice cream salesman asks him: "Why do you keep doing that?"

P: "Well... quantum mechanics teach us that it's theoratically possible for a girl to spontaneously burst into exi...

I saw a lady on the street the other day wearing nothing but whipped cream.

She was Chantilly Clad.

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A man walks into an ice cream shop...

... and tells the clerk "I want a gallon of Vanilla ice cream, a gallon of Strawberry ice cream, and a gallon of Chocolate ice cream." The clerk replies, "I'm sorry sir, we don't have any Chocolate." "Ok then" the man continues "I want a quart of Vanilla ice cream, a quart of Strawberry ice cream, a...

Why were the pirates happy when they washed up on shore and saw cakes, pies, and ice cream?

It was a desserted island.

The ice cream van thieves

Two bank thieves decided to plan their final job, a huge bank near the Sahara desert.

Their trick was to leave the crime scene in a ice - cream truck, this way the police never suspected them. This final heist however was to prove their last.

They arrived in an battered old minivan an...

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Baskin Robbin's have a new pussy flavoured ice cream

But be careful because it tastes like ass if you have too big of a lick

Where does one learn to make ice cream?

Sundae school!

My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We've been married nine years today.

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to i...

A penguin’s car breaks down in a Florida town [NSFW]

He manages to push it to a nearby mechanic. The mechanic says it’ll take a few hours to repair, so the penguin, exasperated, goes to look around the town.

He goes into a clothing store and buys a nice shirt, and goes to a book store and buys some nice books. However, the penguin, being in Flo...

Someone broke into our shop and stole all 31 flavors of ice cream

It was a Baskin-Robbery

I like the way you're thinking.

Teacher: 3 birds are sitting on top of a roof and someone throws a rock and hits one off. How many birds are left?
Student: There are none left because the other two fly away whenever the other one is hit.
Teacher: Well actually there's still two left but I like the way you're thinking.
...

How do you make the ice cream more expensive?

Just put it in the fridge longer. It will turn into a Cold Stone.

Why is cream more expensive than milk?

Because the cows hate squatting over the little bottles.

(This was one of Kurt Vonnegut's favorite jokes!)

Bert: Hey Ernie, you want some ice cream?

Sherbert.

A dermatologist makes a fortune selling skin cream and runs off with the money.

Rumor has it he was last spotted on his way to a topical island.

Just taught my kids about taxes

by eating 38% of their ice cream.

Where do people go in Skyrim to buy ice cream?

To their local Dovah Queen

Teacher: Billy if there are 5 bird on a fence and you shoot 1

Teacher: Billy if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1 how many birds are left?

Billy: None the others would fly away at the sound of the gun.

Teacher: The answer is 4 but I like the way you think.

Billy: I have a question Miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream cones. ...

My favorite ice cream flavor is Death By Chocolate...

Because it satisfies two cravings at once

The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…

Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!"

Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!"

Summer rays, "Yes, but I am und...

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On the tub of ice cream I bought it said "50% less fat"

It's a fucking con, guys.



I just ate the whole tub and I'm actually heavier.

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What do you call a dinosaur that uses hemorrhoid cream ?

Mega sore arse

Kid v. Barber

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarter...

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A slice of coconut cream pie is $2.50 in Barbados. It is $2.75 in Trinidad & Tobago. $3.25 on St. Thomas

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

Courtesy of my four year old

Q: What do baby corns call their daddy?

A: Popcorn

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Woman comes into an ice cream store and the kid working says, “hi, what can I get for you?”

The woman says, “I need a gallon of chocolate, a gallon of vanilla, and a gallon of strawberry ice cream please.”

The kid says, “I can do the vanilla and strawberry but we’re out of chocolate.”

Oh, “says the woman, disappointed. Then just get me a pint of chocolate, a pint of vanilla, ...

A hillbilly shows up for his first work day at a construction jobsite

A hillbilly shows up for his first work day at a construction jobsite. At lunch time notices a coworker with a thermos. He asks him what it is. He says, "It's a thermos, it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold!" The hillbilly is impressed so he gets one and brings it in the next day. His cowor...

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I'd like to buy some ice cream please...

Ice Cream Man: Sure, what kind would you like?



Kid: Um...chocolate



Ice Cream Man: Oh, sorry kid. We're out of chocolate. I still have plenty of strawberry and vanilla though.



Kid: Um...okay...I'll have...chocolate please



Ice Cream Man: Uh, ...

A man and his wife are grocery shopping.

The man sees a case of beer on one of the shelves and puts it in the cart.

“What are you doing?” asks his wife.

“They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans.” he responds.

“Well, put it back. We can’t afford those.”

Without another word, the man obeys his wife and puts the case...

What is Ernie's favorite kind of ice cream

Orange Sherbert!

Yes I know it's spelled sherbet - bite me!

What do you call a hand cream that makes you cry?

A moist-your-eyes-er

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A guy and his friend buy ice cream.

The guy says "I don't want to be racist, but this ice tastes great!"

The friend replies "That is not racist."

"That's what I said. Fucking Romanians, they never listen."

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I tried some anti-masturbation hand cream for the first time.

It's fantastic - can't beat it

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[Long] Two brothers, a vegan and a carnivore, sit down to Thanksgiving dinner together with their family...

The father intones, "on this day of thanks, let us give thanks to God..."

The vegan brother interrupts..."I'm not eating the turkey..."

The carnivore brother replies, " that's fine, there's plenty of other food on the table."

The vegan then says " I'm not eating any of the stuff...

A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal

He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.

Stupid kid

A barber was doing his business and a kid walked in his shop.
The barber told his customer:
- See that kid, he's the stupidest kid I've ever know. Here I'll prove it to you.
The barber yells at kid to come to him so his customer can watch.
The barber pulls out a 2 euro coin and a 5 euro ...

What do you call a WWE wrestler who works at an ice cream shop?

Cold Stone Steve Austin

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I’d like to eat that full of ice cream - NSFW

A lady goes into a shoe store to buy some new shoes. The salesman helping her after she picks out a pair she likes, kneels down in front of her chair to put them on her feet.
He looks up and and notices she isn’t wearing any panties under her skirt. He says to her “ma’am that’s the most beautifu...

A married couple is shopping at Costco...

The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it into the cart.
"What do you think you're doing?", the wife asks.
"It's on sale for twenty dollars," explains the husband.
"I don't care," says the wife, "we're on a budget. Put it back."
A couple of aisles later the wife puts a $50 containe...

What’s the difference between vanilla ice cream and French vanilla ice cream?

Cowardice

What caused the ice cream truck to break down?

a rocky road

Have there been any new advances in anti-itch skin creams?

It just seems like we've only scratched the surface.

What do you call an expired invisibility cream?

Disap-ointment.

(OC)

What is cream cheese's favorite part of a wedding

The Toast

I went to the doctors as I had a strawberry growing out of my ear.

He put some cream on it.

Guy walks into an ice cream shop

And says give me some chocolate, some marshmallows, and some almonds. The elderly gentleman working the counter says “Careful son, you’re heading down a rocky road.”

The Ice Cream Truck

On a hot sunny day, the ice cream truck was driving slowly until the driver saw a woman chasing frantically down the sidewalk, screaming "Hey, Wait!"

He stops, parks and opens the window, with a smile.

"What'll it be lady?"

She tries to catch her breath, but she manages to tell ...

A coffee addict goes to rehab to get clean

During group reflection they said

Group: "Steve tell us a little about your struggles"

Steve: "Well it started off as a kid, my grandpa would let me sip on a coffee with lots of cream and sugar. I knew from the moment it hit my lips, coffee was what i wanted to do with my life. By the...

Cream Loses Its Magic

Little Michael watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.' Why do you do that, Mummy?' he asked

'To make myself beautiful', said his mother who then began removing the cream with a tissue
'What's the matter?' asked little Michael, 'Giving up?'

I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends.

She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."

Edit: Front page! Hi mom.

Thanks for the gold you amazing stranger, you.

How do you make a dead baby float?

2 scoops of ice cream
1 scoop of dead baby

Did you hear about the serial killer that got killed in a standoff with the police in an ice cream shop?

He got what he dessert.

They say creaming you pants is bad...

But the real problem is the coffee.

I once beat cream depressingly with a fork.

No whisk no fun.

A penguin, some ice cream, and a mechanic.

A penguin is driving in the desert on a remote highway, when his car suddenly begins making funny noises, and smoke begins pouring out of the engine.

He pulls into a gas station that also happens to have a mechanic. He asks the mechanic about his car being fixed.

“I’ll take a look at ...

A Nun is very distraught...

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf w...

An attempt at OC after one year on Reddit.

I slept with a girl that works at Amazon last night.

I got a text from her today that said: “People who slept with me also bought a STD kit and this 5 star genital wart cream.”

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While waiting in line at an ice cream shop an elderly woman orders a plain chocolate cone.

The man behind the counter said “we’re out of chocolate today but there are other flavors with chocolate in them, what would you like?”

She again attempts to order plain chocolate. The man repeats “Ma’am we’re out of chocolate today but there are other flavors with chocolate in them, what wou...

Patient: I seem to be seeing cream cakes in the corner of my eye

Doctor: that's just your profiterole vision

Berry good

Two guys were arguing over the best way to grow strawberries. One asserted that Miracle-Gro was the best method, the other insisted that cow manure would yield the largest and sweetest berries. They finally decided to ask Mrs. Thompson, who was known far and wide for her succulent, large strawberr...

A penguin took his car to the mechanic.

The penguin left to get some ice cream and returned a few minutes later.

"It looks like you blew a seal" said the mechanic.

"Gross, its just ice cream" replied the penguin.

What would happen if an Ice Cream’s feet are cut off?

It would lack toes.

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