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A dumb kid walks into an ice cream shop...

Kid: “I’ll have a scoop of vanilla and a scoop of chocolate please.”

Clerk: “Sorry kid, we're out of chocolate.”

Kid: “OK. Make it a scoop of strawberry and a scoop of chocolate.”

Clerk: “No, no, you don't understand, it’s *chocolate* we're out of,”

Kid: “Ah, OK. Then gim...

What's that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream?

Everyone I ask can't remember either.

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I previously suffered from premature ejaculation my GF got me some cream that reduces sensitivity

It 100% totally work's now i don't give a fuck about that bitch.

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Onion-Flavored Ice Cream

One day this kid walks into an ice cream parlor and asks the guy behind the counter "Do you have onion-flavored ice cream?"

The guy says, "No, we don't have onion-flavored ice cream."
So the kid says, "Ok" and leaves.

The next day, the kid comes back in and asks the same question...

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So a guy walks into an ice cream shop.

The owner walks up and asks the man what he would like.

“I’ll take a chocolate ice cream in a cone please.”

“Sorry, we’re actually out of chocolate. We only have vanilla and strawberry available,” replies the owner.

“Hmmm, well in that case I’ll take a scoop of chocolate in a cu...

An old man walked into an ice cream parlor

and pulled himself gently, painfully, up onto a stool…

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’

‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’

Got an ice cream for my girlfriend

Best trade i ever made.

I love Valentines Day. The bottle of wine. The Heart-Shaped Ice Cream Cake...

Taking them home and eating them alone while crying and watching youtube videos.

Good times.

Ted Bundy: Hey Jeff, got any ice cream in the freezer?

Jeffrey Dahmer: Nah man, only Ben and Jerry

Joe and Bob are sitting outside a cafe enjoying a couple cigars when a young boy walks out of the ice cream parlour right next door.

Joe says "see that kid over there, dumbest kid I ever met, watch this...." and he calls the kid over.

Joe puts 50 cents in one of his hands, and a dollar bill in the other and holds them both out to the boy. Joe says "which do you want, 50 cents, or a dollar?" The boy quickly snatches up the ...

Bert asked his friend if he wanted ice cream and wants to know his favorite flavor.

He said Sherbert.

How did the ice cream man sell all of his melting product on a hot summer day?

He had a liquidation sale.

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Did you hear about the private who could shit ice cream?

He deserted his post.

A young boy walks into an ice-cream parlor and asks for 12 scoops of ice cream.

In disbelief the cashier asked him to repeat his order.

“I want 12 scoops of ice cream sir”

Not passing this huge order up the cashier went to work making sure the scoops were evenly balanced and could not tip over.

But before handing it over to him he asked the boy a question<...

The ice cream parlor asks for my order

Parlor: "Hello Sir, can I take your order?"

Me: "Yes, I'd like a male hot fudge sundae please."

Parlor: "I'm sorry Sir, a male hot fudge sundae?"

Me: "Yes, with nuts".

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Oatmeal Cream Pie

The most disturbing category in the Grannie Porn collection.

An ice cream man has been found dead covered in hundreds and thousands...

The police think he topped himself.

The ice cream truck is going down the street

And a lady runs after it but it doesn't see her and keeps going. She keeps following until the driver sees her in his mirror. He stops and shes out of breath

Truck driver: “hey, sorry about that, I didn't see you, what can I get you? “

Out of breath she says “I just wanted to tell you....

Mice and cream

Once there was a country mouse, and a city mouse.
The city mouse got eaten by a cat.
Maybe he shouldn’t have lived in the city.

Something something, rat race.

Why did Sarah drop her ice-cream

#>!she was hit by a truck!<

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A blonde goes to an ice cream parlor

A blonde goes into an ice cream parlor. She walks up to the man at the counter and says, "I'd like some chocolate ice cream, please."

"I'm sorry, madam," says the man, "but I'm afraid we're out of chocolate."

"Oh," says the blonde. "In that case I'll have some chocolate."

So the...

Where do ice-cream makers go to learn their trade?

Sundae school.

A new hired cheese maker wasn't sure if he was adding enough cream. So he asked his boss.

His boss replied, "That's gouda nuff"

Did you hear about Ben & Jerry’s new limited edition Ice Cream flavor?

Peach Mint.

A Roman walks into an ice cream shop

He holds up two fingers and says,
“I’ll have 5 scoops please.”

Whenever my Muslim roommate goes to pray, I sit next to him with some apple pie and ice cream.

Then both of us are in A La mode.

What do you call a street full of potholes and ice cream?

Rocky Road

News: A Major Fashion Label Releases a Cream for Yeast Infections

It's called "Gucci Coochie Goo".

I like the way you are thinking

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.

"Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.

Matt answer...

What is it called when you get high and then eat ice cream?

Getting cold-stoned.

I thought of this while I was in the shower, so I ran downstairs and told my wife. We both laughed and she gave me a high five, and here we are.

Why did the journalist go to the ice-cream parlor?

They wanted to get the scoop.

The local ice cream shop has introduced a new mixed fruit flavour of ice cream dedicated to the president of the United States

They call it the Im-peached orange.

They say it is good, perhaps the greatest in the history of mixed fruit ice creams.

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My grandad is always complaining about how much things cost. ‘£1.50 for a cup of tea, £2.25 for 3 custard creams…’

I said ‘Look grandad, you just popped round I didn’t fucking invite you’

Why did Nivea Cream?

...because Max Factor

What do you call an anthropomorphic animal blended in ice cream?

A McFurry

Why is necrophilia and ice cream similar?

It doesn't matter if it's soft or hard. All that matters is that it remains cold.

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A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter,

How dairy.

Breaking news: Philadelphia Cream Cheese's New Ad Slams Competitor Brand's product!

It's just a regular smear campaign.

What did the VSCO girl say when she got hit by an ice cream truck?

"And I scoop-"

Astronaut 1: "I can't find any milk for my coffee"

Astronaut 2: "In space no-one can. Here, use cream"

[A cinema ticket office attendant told me this] Q. How does Reese eat ice cream?

A. Witherspoon

I was offered a job at the local ice cream shop

But I turned it down.

I don't like working on sundaes.

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I used to think that clowns doing the 1930’s cream pie gag was hilarious

Until I realized that I too have also been creampied by clowns

A bear walks into an ice cream shop

Ice cream man: What can i get for ya?

Bear: Hi, i'd like a scoop of the chocolate...

ICM:

Bear:

ICM:

Bear: Chip.

ICM: Alright! One scoop of chocolate chip coming right up! By the way, what's with the pause?

Bear: \*waving paws in the air\* I'm a be...

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A woman walks into an ice cream shop

And orders a chocolate ice cream. The young man assisting her kindly informs her they are a unique ice cream shop and only sell two flavors, Vanilla and Strawberry.

She replies rudely, “Well this is news to me so I’ll obviously need more time to decide.”

She’s staring at the menu with...

Why couldn’t the colourblind man sell ice cream?

His cones don’t work

“ Hay Ernie would you like some ice cream?”

“Sure Burt”

I've been prescribed anti-gloating cream.

I can't wait to rub it in.

Applying cream

I went back to see my doctor today.

I said, "I applied the hemmeroid cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction."

"Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked.

I replied "on the bus."

An elderly, forgetful couple . . .

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. So during a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ...

What’s a horses favorite type of ice cream?

Sher-bit

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What kind of ice cream would Phil Lesh eat if he were gay?

Been in Jerry’s.

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Kowalski goes into the ice cream parlor and orders a chocolate ice cream..

”I’m sorry, sir,” says the clerk, ”but we are out of chocolate.”

”Oh,” says Kowalski, ”in that case I will take some chocolate.”

”No, no, sir,” says the clerk, ”you don’t understand. We have run out of chocolate.”

”Oh,” says Kowalski, ”then, just give me some chocolate.”
...

As a mom was bribing her child with an ice cream cone to behave, she sighs,

“Why can’t you be good-for-nothing like your dad?”

A young boy enters a barber shop..

...and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”



The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves...

The other day I carried a jar of sour cream into the sea. Some guy comes up to me and asked what I was doing

I said I was taking a dip in the ocean

The Genie offered me one wish. I asked for a McDonald's ice cream. When he told me the machine was broken and he couldn't do the impossible I got to pick another wish. I asked him for an original joke on reddit. He agreed to grant my wish but had one last question...

Would you like that in a cone or a cup?

Back in the day, if you had a quarter at a gas station you could come out with a canister of ice cream, or a few candy bars.

Now they have cameras.

Did you hear about the new antiseptic healing cream that’s actually just a placebo?

They call it Pseudocrem.

Which ice cream do weasels prefer?

Popsicles.

Now you may say, "Hi, dad!"

Today I realised that eating ice cream isn't filling the emptiness I feel inside.

But I'm no quitter.

An Ice cream parlour was broken into near me

Apparently they made off with Hundreds and thousands

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I felt pretty sick after drinking milk with cream.

My stomach was churning for a while, but now I’m finally feeling butter.

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A man walks into an ice cream shop...

... and tells the clerk "I want a gallon of Vanilla ice cream, a gallon of Strawberry ice cream, and a gallon of Chocolate ice cream." The clerk replies, "I'm sorry sir, we don't have any Chocolate." "Ok then" the man continues "I want a quart of Vanilla ice cream, a quart of Strawberry ice cream, a...

I saw a lady on the street the other day wearing nothing but whipped cream.

She was Chantilly Clad.

What do you call a dispute between ice cream about their kids?

A custardy battle

My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We've been married nine years today.

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to i...

There was this physicist who came to the ice cream bar every day

to buy two ice creams: one for himself and another that he offers to the empty spot next to him.

Eventually, the ice cream salesman asks him: "Why do you keep doing that?"

P: "Well... quantum mechanics teach us that it's theoratically possible for a girl to spontaneously burst into exi...

The ice cream van thieves

Two bank thieves decided to plan their final job, a huge bank near the Sahara desert.

Their trick was to leave the crime scene in a ice - cream truck, this way the police never suspected them. This final heist however was to prove their last.

They arrived in an battered old minivan an...

Why were the pirates happy when they washed up on shore and saw cakes, pies, and ice cream?

It was a desserted island.

Saw an ice cream truck with a sticker that said “Stop for children”

Yeah me too, but at least I don’t put it on the side of my van!

Where does one learn to make ice cream?

Sundae school!

Me: What's the name of the dessert where you put an espresso over ice cream?

Colleague: Affogato

Me: Yeah I forgot too, I'm sure there's a name for it...

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An old man passed away whilst having sex

When the police asked his wife how it happened, she burst in to tears.

"You see officer, we always have sex at 12 o clock on sunday when the church bells ring"

"But why when the church bells ring?" Asked the officer

"Its the perfect rhythm. At the first chime he thrusts, at the ...

How do you make the ice cream more expensive?

Just put it in the fridge longer. It will turn into a Cold Stone.

An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things.

Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes. When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?" "Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish o...

I go for a run 3 days a week!

I do wish the ice cream truck went down my street more often though.

Someone broke into our shop and stole all 31 flavors of ice cream

It was a Baskin-Robbery

Why is cream more expensive than milk?

Because the cows hate squatting over the little bottles.

(This was one of Kurt Vonnegut's favorite jokes!)

Penguin car trouble

A penguin was having trouble with his car and took it to a mechanic. The mechanic told the penguin it would take a couple of hours to figure out the problem.

The penguin went to get a vanilla Ice Cream cone but didn’t get no napkins.

The penguin returns to the mechanic and asks what ...

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Ice-cream man was found dead this morning with a flake stuck up his arse and sprinkles and chocolate all over his body:

Police think he topped himself.

An old couple talks to their doctor about their memory loss. The doctor suggests that they write things down so they don't forget.

One day, both of them are sitting on the couch when Grandma asks for a bowl of ice cream.

"Coming right up," Gramps says, slowly getting onto his feet and heading towards the kitchen.

"Aren't you going to write that down?"

"Write that down? Of course not. I can remember a bowl o...

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A slice of coconut cream pie is $2.50 in Barbados. It is $2.75 in Trinidad & Tobago. $3.25 on St. Thomas

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

A dermatologist makes a fortune selling skin cream and runs off with the money.

Rumor has it he was last spotted on his way to a topical island.

Where do people go in Skyrim to buy ice cream?

To their local Dovah Queen

My favorite ice cream flavor is Death By Chocolate...

Because it satisfies two cravings at once

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What do you call a dinosaur that uses hemorrhoid cream ?

Mega sore arse

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On the tub of ice cream I bought it said "50% less fat"

It's a fucking con, guys.



I just ate the whole tub and I'm actually heavier.

Dirty Penguin

A penguin is driving his car when he notices that the check engine light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first auto shop. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk. He sees an ice-cream shop and decides t...

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A salesman trying to sell vacuum cleaners knocks on the door and the mother answers

Before she can say two words, the salesman pushes past her and throws a bag of horse shit on the carpet. The mother is understandably furious.

\- What the HELL do you think you're doing?!

The salesman doesn't lose his composure, after all, he's confident in his product.

\- Ma'am...

I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends.

She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."

Edit: Front page! Hi mom.

Thanks for the gold you amazing stranger, you.

What is a necrophiliac arsonist best at?

Putting the cream in cremated.

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I tried some anti-masturbation hand cream for the first time.

It's fantastic - can't beat it

Courtesy of my four year old

Q: What do baby corns call their daddy?

A: Popcorn

What do you call a hand cream that makes you cry?

A moist-your-eyes-er

What’s the difference between vanilla ice cream and French vanilla ice cream?

Cowardice

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I'd like to buy some ice cream please...

Ice Cream Man: Sure, what kind would you like?



Kid: Um...chocolate



Ice Cream Man: Oh, sorry kid. We're out of chocolate. I still have plenty of strawberry and vanilla though.



Kid: Um...okay...I'll have...chocolate please



Ice Cream Man: Uh, ...

What do you call a WWE wrestler who works at an ice cream shop?

Cold Stone Steve Austin

What is Ernie's favorite kind of ice cream

Orange Sherbert!

Yes I know it's spelled sherbet - bite me!

A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal

He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.

What do you call an expired invisibility cream?

Disap-ointment.

(OC)

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A guy and his friend buy ice cream.

The guy says "I don't want to be racist, but this ice tastes great!"

The friend replies "That is not racist."

"That's what I said. Fucking Romanians, they never listen."

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