The 99+ Best Cream Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.

How dairy.

Which celebrity is always ready for ice cream?

Reese, with her spoon.

Why did the barber rub diaper rash cream into his customer’s scalp

Because he believed that “what’s good for the gooch is good for the dander!”

My sniper rifle has conjunctivitis cream smeared all round the eyepiece

It’s a sight for sore eyes

At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”

“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”

Two Astronauts are chilling on the space station when one turns to the other and says, "I can't find any milk for my coffee."

The second astronaut replies, "In space no one can, here use cream."

A teacher asks in class:

"If three pigeons are sitting on a tree, and i shoot down one, how many pigeons will be left?"
A student raises their hand and says: "None."
Confused, the teacher asks why, to which the student responds: "Well, if you shoot down one, the others will get scared by the gunshot and fly away."...

I'm an expert in ice cream...

I went to sundae school.

What kind of ice cream do they sell at airports

Plain ice cream

A man comes up to the drive thru window, and the attendant greets him:

Attendant: Welcome, how may I help you today?

Customer: I'd like a burger and a vanilla ice cream cone

Attendant: Sorry, the ice cream machine is broken again today, and we don't know how long it'll be down, so we don't have any ice cream today.

Customer: How about fries and ic...

What did Ernie say when Bert asked if he could have some ice cream?

Sure, Bert.

Yesterday I found myself next to a Hollywood celebrity at a grocery store. Both of us were staring at the cream cheese section.

I was …..watching Philadelphia with Tom Hanks.

The boy and the barber

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the q...

I had to go back to see my doctor today. I said, 'I applied the pile cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction.' 'Where exactly did you apply it?' he asked.

'On the bus' I replied

I can't remember the name of that Italian dessert where you pour espresso over ice cream.

I asked my Italian friend, but he couldn't remember either.

What do children and ice cream have in common?

They’re sweet but they sometimes give you a headache.

I accidentally got anti aging cream on my block of cheddar

I’ve now got milk all over the kitchen top

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman came crying to her husband and said,

“I was sitting on that park bench when that man over there walked up to me and said he wanted to fill my pussy with ice cream and eat it all up.”

Her husband says, “ok?”

Wife: Well aren’t you going to do something? Aren’t you going to go over there and teach him a lesson?

Husba...

In what way is ice cream like a first date?

You're a psychopath if you eat either at room temperature.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dumb kid walks into an ice cream shop... Kid: “I’ll have a scoop of vanilla and a scoop of chocolate please.” Clerk: “Sorry kid, we're out of chocolate.”

Kid: “OK. Make it a scoop of strawberry and a scoop of chocolate.”

Clerk: “No, no, you don't understand, it’s *chocolate* we're out of,”

Kid: “Ah, OK. Then gimme a scoop of raspberry, and a scoop of chocolate.”

Clerk: “Listen kid, can you spell the VAN in vanilla?”

Kid: “...

After day at the aquarium, my wife told me she wanted to get a manatee

I said “OK honey, a dash of cream and no sugar please.”

A woman orders a coffee with no cream

The batista tells her "We're out of cream. Would you like it with no milk instead? "

A couple in their 80's.....

A couple in their 80's were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man get...

Little Johnny & the Teacher

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot."
The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then Litt...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

when I worked in a 7-Eleven a woman asked me for chocolate ice cream

Me: sorry, we only have strawberry and vanilla.
Woman: Do you have a pint of chocolate ice cream?
Me: no, we only have strawberry and vanilla.
Woman: do you have a half gallon of chocolate ice cream?
Me: Can you spell the "van" in vanilla
Woman: V A N
Me: Can you spell the "straw" ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

this morning, my wife saved me from choking to death on a custard cream biscuit.

The fat cunt had eaten them all.

So a woman is chasing down an ice cream truck...

... And the ice cream man stops and says, "What can I get for you, Ma'am?" She says "Nothing, just wanted to tell you I'm vegan."

Ponce de Leon began his journey to find the Fountain Of Youth

"But captain," a crewmate said. "Are you sure the fountain even exists?"

"Hmm," Ponce pondered. "Maybe you're right. Maybe this trip would be a waste of time."

"So, are we going back?" The crewmate asked.

"No, we're not going home empty handed," Ponce replied.

"So, wha...

Mushroom Pasta

Yesterday I found some delicious mushroom cream pasta in my fridge. That was quite a surprise because I don’t remember adding mushroom into the pasta 4 weeks ago.

Jimmy was watching his mum put on face cream. "What's that for?" he asked.

"It's to make me look beautiful," she told him.

After a couple of minutes she started to wipe it off.

"Oh," said Jimmy, "Giving up already?"

A lady walks into an ice cream shop. "Can I get a chocolate scoop on a cone?" she asks.

"Sorry, ma'am, but we're out of chocolate ice cream," says the man behind the counter.
"Oh, well then can I get a chocolate sundae?" she asks.
"We're out of chocolate," he repeats.
"Well, how about a chocolate milkshake?"
The man is frustrated at this point and decides to teach h...

An animal rescuer, homeless shelter director, volunteer pediatrician, and ice cream machine repairman are waiting at the Pearly Gates

The animal rescuer meets Saint Peter who reviews her resume of thousands of animals she's saved. Shaking his head, he announces: "Denied."

Next is the homeless shelter director. Saint Peter looks over his resume, nods slightly, but still announces: "Denied."

The volunteer pediatricia...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just seen a guy

Just seen a guy at the ice cream shop beating the shit out of a bottle of ice cream topping.

I think it was assaulted caramel

I confessed to my girlfriend that I accidentally gave her eyebrow relaxing cream.

She didn’t seem to care that much.

A man orders coffee with no cream and no sugar.

After a few minutes, the waitress comes back and says, "we're out of cream. What about no milk?"

A woman wanted to buy a bagel with cream cheese at my deli.

I told her we only take cash or card.

I've been prescribed anti gloating cream...

Can't wait to rub it in.

A man gets stung by a bee

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain "Please doctor, you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee."

**Doctor:** "Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it."

**Man:** "You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

**Doctor:** "No, you do...

What is a cowboy's favourite ice cream?

Yee-Häagen-Dazs!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The wife brought home a tub of ice-cream

and asked if I wanted some. "How hard is it?" I asked. She cheekily
replied, "As hard as your cock when you're thinking about me naked!". I said "Go on then, pour me a
glass....."

A man was deathly afraid of ice cream

So much so that the mere sight or mention of the tasty frozen treat could send him into a panic attack.

He tried to avoid it, but it was everywhere. In movies. In songs. On social media. In real life!

Due to the severity of his condition, the man resolved to find a life partner who hat...

My next door neighbour is a ice cream man, he went missing and we eventually found him in the back of his van covered in sprinkles, caramel, crushed oreos and chocolate flakes

Apparently he topped himself!

With all the coffee jokes lately, I've realized something...

My coffee is just like my wife.

Ice cold, with no cream in it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ice-cream man.

An Ice-cream man has been found dead with three chocolate flakes stuck up his ass covered in chocolate spread with hundreds and thousands sprinkled all over his body..

Police believe he topped himself..

The cast of The Wizard of Oz go out for ice cream.

The Lion stops licking his cone, yelling, "Ouch!" and gripping his temples.

The Tinman stops licking his cone, yelling, "Ouch!" and gripping his temples.

Dorothy stops licking her cone, yelling, "Ouch!" and gripping her temples.

The Scarecrow says, "What's the matter with you ...

I have a lactose intolerant friend who sells ice cream for a living.

He can’t take it, but he can dish it out.

Due to smugness I’ve been prescribed anti-gloating cream..

I can’t wait to rub it in…

Where do tigers go for ice cream?

Carol Baskin Robbins

A Penguin takes his car to the shop

A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the cleanest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kid is running around the house when he runs upstairs and finds his dad shaving in the bathroom.

The dad cuts himself and yells "shit."

The kid asks, "dad, what's shit?"

"Oh it's shaving cream."

The kid says "ok" and runs around again. He goes into the kitchen and his mom is cutting the turkey. She cuts herself with a knife and says "fuck."

The kid asks, "mom, what's...

I grew up in a rough neighbourhood

Back then the other kids would attack me with squirty cream and then plant cherries on my head.

Life was tough in the gateaux..

A great tragedy befalls Russia

At a state dinner dozens of high ranking officials have died. After eating a mushroom cream soup generals started falling to the floor left and right.

The investigation is quick: the official cause is mushroom poisoning. Members of the press are invited to the scene of the tragedy.

"A...

There's a penguin driving through the desert when suddenly his car breaks down...

Spying a service station, he quickly pulls over and gets out to speak with the mechanic. The man agrees to fix the car, but tells the penguin to wait for an hour or so while he works. To pass the time, the penguin walk next door to a little ice cream shop and has a big ol' vanilla sundae while he ...

Why did the banana split?

Because it saw the ice cream!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Johnny walked in the the ice cream store

He asked for one scoop of chocolate and one scoop of vanilla.

The man behind the counter says "I'm sorry, but we are all out of chocolate."

So johnny says "hmm, in that case I'll take one scoop of strawberry and one scoop of chocolate."

The man looks at johnny and says " I'm sor...

A little old man goes to the ice cream parlor.

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Surely the best advert for 'anti-ageing cream' would be .....

A 5 year old lying on the bathroom floor covered in cream shouting.....'help ...help i've used too much'.

How does a genome eat ice cream?

Helix it

I got stabbed at the flea market.

I thought it would be fun to take my son to the flea market to see the wide array of commodities being sold.

"Oh, look! There's an ice cream man!" My boy exclaimed. So we walked up to the ice cream booth and I said: "Hey there ice cream man!". And then we ordered a couple cones.

Next...

What day is ice cream day?

Sunday!

Why did the ice cream have an umbrella? Because of the sprinkles!

(Courtesy of my four year old son)

Little Johnny - Ice Cream

An elementary school math teacher asked her class one day, "If there are three birds on a wire, and a farmer shot one, how many are left?"

One little boy said two, but little Sally, realizing it was a trick question, said, "None, 'cause everyone knows that if you shoot at birds they all...

An employee at the local grocery store was primarily responsible for keeping frozen goods well stocked.

At first, he only had a few items to manage, such as bagged ice, frozen pizza, and ice cream. However, as time went by, he found that his daily "to do" list from management was getting longer and longer, sometimes even including things outside the frozen section. At his breaking point, he went to hi...

Customer: I would like to buy a bagel with cream cheese

Waiter: I'm sorry we only accept cash.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks in to an ice cream parlour

He notices a sign on the wall that states "we can make any flavour you can imagine" he decides to challenge them and asks "can you make pussy flavour?", the assistant replies "sure, give me a few minutes" and starts mixing all the different flavours together to get it perfect, he hands the ice cream...

What did the skimmed milk say to the cream?

You can make me whole again

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get if you dip your balls in ice cream?

Brain freeze.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Ice Cream vendor sells Vagina flavored ice cream.

An Ice Cream vendor sells a new flavor of ice cream called Vagina to a customer.
-Customer: It tastes like shit!!!
-Ice cream vendor: You are taking too big licks!

Why did the ice cream truck break down?

It drove over a rocky road

I woke up this morning and saw two birds sitting in the sun in my backyard, eating ice cream.

They were Basking Robins.

How do you make a whale float?

Two scoops of ice cream, some root beer, and a whale.

I overheard a man order a sundae with nuts, but no ice cream.

To me, that's just nuts.

I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends.

She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m lactose intolerant and…

Last night, I decided to have ice cream, just for shits.

A beaver is eating an ice cream

He has a sour look on his face. 'I wish I'd reach the stick already' he mumbles to himself.

Why did little Timmy drop his ice cream cone?

He was run-over by a car.

When I was a kid you could walk into a shop with a quarter and come out with 2 cokes, 3 bags of chips and an Ice cream...

Nowadays, CCTV everywhere.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Three Stooges are spending the night in a haunted house... and get up to their usual eye-poking, nyuk-nyuking, slapstick shenanigans. In the middle of the pie fight, a poltergeist appears. Curly throws a cream pie and it turns around in midair and smacks him right in the face!

He turns to Moe and says, "Hey, I think that ghost must have been from Australia."
"Oh yeah, why?"
"Because it just threw a Boo-Meringue at me!"

Whenever my Muslim roommate goes to pray, I sit next to him with some apple pie and ice cream.

Then both of us are in A La mode.

‌‌The man n‌‌ext t‌‌o m‌‌e o‌‌n t‌‌his r‌‌ollercoaster w‌‌on't s‌‌top s‌‌creaming.

Its l‌‌ike he's n‌‌ever s‌‌een a‌‌ p‌‌enis b‌‌efore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Beaver invites Rabbit over for dinner one night

The dinner goes swimmingly well, and Rabbit is very impressed with Beaver's skill in the kitchen. Particularly with the homemade iced cream dessert that Beaver was famous for. Not really expecting much of an answer, because Beaver is ever the coy herbivore, Rabbit inquires politely, "Goodness, Beave...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pretty and sexy woman was eating ice cream

A man comes near her and says:
-Madam, may I ask you a favor, but I am pretty sure you'll misunderstand me. Woman responds:
-Oh sir, no problem just say it.

"Can I lick it for once?" the man says.
"Oh, of course, here you are" answers the woman and passes the ice cream to man.
...

An anteater walks into a coffee bar ...

... where all the workers, naturally, are English majors and grads. "I'd like a cinnamon latte," he said, "where the cream balances the astringency of the dark roasted coffee beans and the grated spice adds a piquant warmth to the taste of the beverage."

"Why the long clause?" asked the bari...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a guy walks into an ice cream shop..

He asks the clerk 'hello sir may I have a quart of vanilla?'

The clerk politely responds 'Im sorry we're fresh out of vanilla'

The man clearly disappointed says 'ah shucks alright I guess I'll just take a pint of vanilla'

The clerk slightly agitated states 'Sir we are complet...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Woman comes into an ice cream store and the kid working says, “hi, what can I get for you?”

The woman says, “I need a gallon of chocolate, a gallon of vanilla, and a gallon of strawberry ice cream please.”

The kid says, “I can do the vanilla and strawberry but we’re out of chocolate.”

Oh, “says the woman, disappointed. Then just get me a pint of chocolate, a pint of vanilla, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A few men are waiting in line for ice cream

It was a beautiful sunny day and while the sun stayed shining it began to rain (something that doesn't happen that often)

An old white man at the front of the line turns back to everyone else and says

"Here in America we used to say "The devil's been beatin' his wife" when the weather ...

So a guy walks into an ice cream shop...

The server asks, "What'll it be?"

He says, "Well, my girlfriend is furious with me and I figured some dessert might help calm her down. Can you recommend anything?"

The server points to a sign. It says "Sore Bae".

(Tagged NSFW to be on the safe side)This penguin is out in a road trip.

You know, just seein’ the sights, being a tourist.

He gets out on the freeway and really opens ‘er up tearing siwn the road.

Suddenly, his car gives a pop, and smoke starts billowing out of his hood.

Cripes, he thinks, and he pulls off the freeway and slowly works his way to a m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I previously suffered from premature ejaculation my GF got me some cream that reduces sensitivity

It 100% totally work's now i don't give a fuck about that bitch.

A man goes to an ice cream stall in siberia

The owner askes "Which type of ice cream? The ice cream from the freezer, or the ice cream on the display cabinet?"

The man replies "The one in the freezer, i'm pretty sure it's warmer in there".

What do you call an ice cream spy?

A sorbetoure

A penguin goes on vacation..

A penguin is driving his car through the country when it starts to smoke. He brings it to the local garage and asks the mechanic to look at it. The mechanic shakes his head and says, "I'll take a look, but it might take some time." The penguin shrugs and replies, "That's alright, I'll wander aroun...

What’s the motto of an ice cream shop in paradise?

Heaven ice day

Did you hear about the man who got hit by a milk truck?

He got creamed.

I bought some espresso ice cream last night and was super excited to try it!

Unfortunately I left it on the counter when I was putting all my other groceries away. I found it this morning completely melted.

I guess you could say.....

Affogato bout it....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Hawaii Special

Two guys are talking.
“Hey, did you know about the Hawaii special at the strip club?”.
“”No?”.
“It’s sooo good. One of the dancers gets naughty with you, and once you get hard, she slips a pineapple slice on your penis and eats it.”.
“Sounds great, I’m gonna try next weekend!”.

N...

Where do you learn to make complicated ice-cream dishes?

Sundae school.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the doctors for some butt cream

I called the doctor the next day...

Me: Doctor, I’ve had quite a reaction from applying this cream you’ve given me

Doctor: oh really? Where did you apply it?

Me: on the bus.

Somebody walks into an ice cream parlor

and asks "what flavors do you have?"

The attendant says "over there on the signs on the wall, you'll see them all"

Clients goes "Ehm, well I'll have a cone with two scoops of *Mondays Closed*."

What kind of ice cream goes in a bird bath?

Bask’n Robins

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.