A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal

He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.

I am broken when my name is spoken. What am I?

McDonald’s ice cream machine

Why did the boy drop his ice cream cone?

He got hit by a truck

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I’d like to eat that full of ice cream - NSFW

A lady goes into a shoe store to buy some new shoes. The salesman helping her after she picks out a pair she likes, kneels down in front of her chair to put them on her feet.
He looks up and and notices she isn’t wearing any panties under her skirt. He says to her “ma’am that’s the most beautifu...

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[NSFW] Hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents’ house to comfort her 95-year old grandmother.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied: ”He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Katie told her that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

”Oh no, my dear” replies granny. ”Man...

Bert: Hey Ernie, you want some ice cream?

Sherbert.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I tried some anti-masturbation hand cream for the first time.

It's fantastic - can't beat it

Cream Loses Its Magic

Little Michael watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.' Why do you do that, Mummy?' he asked

'To make myself beautiful', said his mother who then began removing the cream with a tissue
'What's the matter?' asked little Michael, 'Giving up?'

Guy walks into an ice cream shop

And says give me some chocolate, some marshmallows, and some almonds. The elderly gentleman working the counter says “Careful son, you’re heading down a rocky road.”

Have there been any new advances in anti-itch skin creams?

It just seems like we've only scratched the surface.

What do you call a WWE wrestler who works at an ice cream shop?

Cold Stone Steve Austin

What caused the ice cream truck to break down?

a rocky road

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself cautiously, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

I once beat cream depressingly with a fork.

No whisk no fun.

Astronaut 1: "I can't find any milk for my coffee"

Astronaut 2: "In space no-one can. Here, use cream"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man just threw some milk, cream and butter at me.

How dairy!

A husband and a wife are shopping

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in the cart. “What do you think you’re doing?” says the wife. “There on sale, 24 cans for $10” says the husband. “Put it back we can’t afford it” demands the wife. They continue shopping. A few isles later, the woman picks up a $20 face cream and ...

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A slice of coconut cream pie is $2.50 in Barbados. It is $2.75 in Trinidad & Tobago. $3.25 on St. Thomas

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

Did you hear about the serial killer that got killed in a standoff with the police in an ice cream shop?

He got what he dessert.

What do you call an expired invisibility cream?

Disap-ointment.

(OC)

What’s the difference between vanilla ice cream and French vanilla ice cream?

Cowardice

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?"

Johnny says, "None."

The teacher asks, "Why?"

Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all of...

The Ice Cream Truck

On a hot sunny day, the ice cream truck was driving slowly until the driver saw a woman chasing frantically down the sidewalk, screaming "Hey, Wait!"

He stops, parks and opens the window, with a smile.

"What'll it be lady?"

She tries to catch her breath, but she manages to tell ...

If ice cream were to come from a sugar cow, where would money come from?

A sugar daddy.

A woman asked me what a creampie was

I made sure to fill her in

Skin Cream

These days applying skin cream to an area of the body is quite topical.

Whenever my Muslim roommate goes to pray, I sit down next to him with some apple pie and ice cream.

So that both of us are in A la mode.

An ice cream man is driving his truck on a hot summer day.

He glances in his rear-view mirror, and notices a man running behind the truck. The man looks sweaty and exhausted and it's clear that he's been chasing the truck for blocks, if not longer. The driver immediately pulls over. "I'm sorry I didn't see you!" he says to the man when he gets to the window...

Patient: I seem to be seeing cream cakes in the corner of my eye

Doctor: that's just your profiterole vision

Why was the ice cream cone friends with the newspaper?

It always had the scoop.

A penguin, some ice cream, and a mechanic.

A penguin is driving in the desert on a remote highway, when his car suddenly begins making funny noises, and smoke begins pouring out of the engine.

He pulls into a gas station that also happens to have a mechanic. He asks the mechanic about his car being fixed.

“I’ll take a look at ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A funny joke that my arabic dad told me :"the boy who wanted onion flavoured ice cream"

One day , The ice cream shop has a visitor , It is a little boy , The shop keeper says "Welcome , You came to the right place for your ice cream needs young man!" The little boy shouts while he is still at the door : "Do you guys have onion flavoured ice cream?" , The man is suprised and said: "no ,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Woman comes into an ice cream store and the kid working says, “hi, what can I get for you?”

The woman says, “I need a gallon of chocolate, a gallon of vanilla, and a gallon of strawberry ice cream please.”

The kid says, “I can do the vanilla and strawberry but we’re out of chocolate.”

Oh, “says the woman, disappointed. Then just get me a pint of chocolate, a pint of vanilla, ...

What I told the Ice Cream man when I attempted to rob him with my finger guns.

FREEZE!!!!!!

I grew up in a rough area. When I was a kid people used to cover me in Chocolate and cream and put a Cherry on top of my head

Life was hard in the gateau

What is Donald Trump’s least favorite flavor of ice cream?

Peach Mint.

What would happen if an Ice Cream’s feet are cut off?

It would lack toes.

A man walks into a cafe and asks for a small decaf coffee with sugar and no cream

The waitress leaves to fetch the coffee but returns a moment later.

“Sorry sir, we’re all out of cream. Would you prefer no milk?”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man broke into my house last night, and he stole my cheese, milk, ice cream, yogurt, and butter.

How dairy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two men with Alzheimer’s at the bech

Edit: *Beach (haha)

....they are peckish and want some food.

The first man (Bob) says “Carl, do you want to buy us a couple of ice creams?”

Carl: Sure what do you want?

Bob: vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce

Carl: Ok, I’ll be back now.
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman walks into an ice cream shop and tries to order two scoops of chocolate ice cream

The man behind the counter says "Sorry, we don't have any left. The woman apologizes and says "Oh ok. In that case, I'll have a cone... with two scoops of chocolate ice cream." The man is confused and says "Lady, I just told you that we don't have chocolate anymore." The woman says "Damn, I am so so...

A quantum physicist and his friend go out for ice cream.

"What's your favourite flavour?" asks the friend.

"Charm," replies the physicist.

His friend looks at him.

"Why is it that whenever I ask you a question," begins the friend, "your answer is always strange?"

"Well it's strange *now*," the physicist protests, "shouldn't hav...

I want to be a psychoanalyst! or “Which of the three women eating ice-cream is married?”

At school, the young teacher Mrs. Smith is asking pupils who they want to become. The answers are:

\--I want to become a pilot!

\--And me – a fireman!

Little Johnny: “I want to become a psychoanalyst!”

The teacher, puzzled by the unusual choice:

\--Why so?

L...

I went out for ice cream and asked for a scoop of Forbidden Chocolate.

They said no.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Press the lid of an ice cream container before you buy it. If it's solid, it's been properly stored. If it depresses

You'll still eat it you fat fuck.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

While waiting in line at an ice cream shop an elderly woman orders a plain chocolate cone.

The man behind the counter said “we’re out of chocolate today but there are other flavors with chocolate in them, what would you like?”

She again attempts to order plain chocolate. The man repeats “Ma’am we’re out of chocolate today but there are other flavors with chocolate in them, what wou...

I replaced my dad's shaving cream with mayonnaise...

He shouted "what the Hellman!"

Why doesn’t Micheal J. Fox own an ice cream shop?

He can only sell shakes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Accidently spilled vanishing cream on my gerbil Lenny, and thus immediately took him to our vet

Bastard said he couldn't see him right now.

Why did Nivea Cream?

Because Max Factor.

ICE-CREAM sellers.....

Make your job sound more important by telling people that you're a 'Walls Treat Trader'!

A boy walks into an ice cream shop and asks the attendant

"Do you have pea ice cream?"

"No" he replies.

After a week the same kid goes back to the ice cream shop and asks: "Do you have pea ice cream?"

"No" he replies. "That's ridiculous."

After a few days, the same boy walks into the shop and asks the same question, getting th...

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At the magic Ice cream parlor [nsfw]

This ice cream parlor was famous for creating the exact taste you asked for so a critic went to check it out.

First try, he asks for the taste of the first harvest of grapes of the season. The man behind the counter dissapears for a few minutes and comes back with a cone. And lo and behold, ...

The ice cream man was found dead inside his van. Covered in Hundreds & Thousands, Sprinkles, Chocolate drops and a Flake.

Police believe he may of topped himself.

Where does Goku keep his ice cream?

In the Frieza.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife is deathly afraid of snakes so I got her last year by placing a rubber Copperhead in her glove compartment.

She nearly shit herself! Sadly, she finally got me back today and I must admit it was pretty crafty.

She knows that every morning I have a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast so last night before she went to sleep she fucked my brother and emptied my bank account.

What is a slow moving ice cream truck called?

A sundae driver.

I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends.

She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."

Edit: Front page! Hi mom.

Thanks for the gold you amazing stranger, you.

What do you call it when two ice creams want to have a child

Cone-ception

“Boulangerie” is a french bakery. “Boucherie” is a french butcher shop. What’s a french ice cream shop?

Benandgerie.

Soy ice cream

Because how else would vegans know what ice cream doesn't taste like?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Me: Doctor, I have a strawberry up my butt.

Me: Doctor, I have a strawberry up my butt.

Doctor: I have cream for that.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Ice Cream Truck pulls away from Acacia Drive, having served the happiest bunch of kids all day...

...the driver whistles a gay tune, the sun is shining, the traffic is good, there’s but a solitary car at the red light ahead.

Suddenly, there’s a banging on the side of the truck. Startled, he pulls away, thinking its a jacking. His heart racing he makes it to the next set of lights. He tur...

If you have 200 ice cream sandwiches, and you eat 175 of them,

How many toes will you have left?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Me and my girlfriend got freaky with some food last night. First she covered my cock with whipped cream. Then she drizzled hot fudge all over it, sprinkled it with nuts, and finally topped everything off with a big fat morello cherry...

It looked so good I ate it myself.

My son threatened to hold his breath until he got ice cream

He passed out on the floor.

I don't negotiate with terrorists.

A forty-seven year old woman see an ad for face cream that makes you instantly look ten years younger.

So she buys the cream, uses it and want to test it and see if people think she is her age or not. So she goes out and get food at McDonald's and says to the young cashier.

"Excuse me sir, how old do you think I am?"

Surprised by the abrupt question the young man smiles and thinks then...

With all the attention on preparing unusual foods in the smoker (hikory smoked mustard, maple smoked ice cream, etc.) I thought up a great idea for a smoked breakfast cereal.

We'll call them "Mesquite O's" the cereal with a bite! They'll leave you itching for more!

Do you think we can stir up some buzz about it?

A penguin broke down in Las Vegas.

A penguin was driving through Vegas when suddenly his car stopped working so he had it towed to the nearest mechanic.

When he got there the mechanic told him it could take an hour or two to find out what is wrong with his car. The penguin was getting hot so he asked the mechanic where he coul...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I feel sorry for anus numbing cream.

It has to deal with sensitive arseholes all the time.

The lovers in the ice cream parlor

I came up with this joke years ago. I rarely had the oppertunity to tell it.

There was a couple of lovers who had a day off work so they went to their favorite ice cream parlor. The boyfriend wasn't that into ice cream but it was the girlfriend's favorite treat, so he always had what she had....

A man has just finished a trip to the Sea Life Centre, and is finishing up an ice cream on the way back to his car

When getting in to his car, he has a bit of ice cream round his mouth.

A guy parking alongside notices the mans tyres are a little flat and gestures for him to wind his window down.

"Hey man, it looks like you've blown a seal!"

"It's just ice cream, I swear to God!"

I work at Ben & Jerry's, often late at night, but never get robbed.

Because ice cream.

I just saw the neighbor's kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat.

I'm thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn't supposed to...

Last night I bought my friend a lifetime supply of Peach Ice Cream

He has cancer, in Hospice, and the Doctors have given him two weeks tops.

Edit: Bit of a story to this. My friend is having trouble eating so I asked if I could get him anything. He mentioned that he really wants some Peach Ice Cream, but he knows it's out of season. So I went to one of those...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a guy walks into an ice cream shop..

He asks the clerk 'hello sir may I have a quart of vanilla?'

The clerk politely responds 'Im sorry we're fresh out of vanilla'

The man clearly disappointed says 'ah shucks alright I guess I'll just take a pint of vanilla'

The clerk slightly agitated states 'Sir we are complet...

I worked in one of those creepy ice cream vans over Memorial Day weekend, and I must say, they really do work. I raked in the Benjamins.

Also got a couple Jacobs and Timothys as well.

A penguin is driving when he sees a check engine light on. He takes his car to the mechanic and then goes for ice cream.

A penguin is driving when he sees a check engine light on. He takes his car to the mechanic and then goes for ice cream. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks ...

I dropped some hair removal cream onto my globe.

Now I feel like I've got the world at my Veet.

A snake tells her son, "Go out and get me some scale cream!"

"Why?"

"Because I shed so!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A politician walks into an ice cream shop

He orders 1 scoop of plain vanilla ice cream.
The employee asked him if he'd like some sprinkles.


Long story short, it took him 30 fucking minutes to answer yes.