UPJOKE
milkcustardsour creamthrashdairy productbeatcheesesoupcoffeepuddingointmentskimpickice creamwhipped cream

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A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.

How dairy.

I can't remember the name of that Italian dessert where you pour espresso over ice cream.

I asked my Italian friend, but he couldn't remember either.

I accidentally got anti aging cream on my block of cheddar

I’ve now got milk all over the kitchen top

A woman orders a coffee with no cream

The batista tells her "We're out of cream. Would you like it with no milk instead? "

What do children and ice cream have in common?

They’re sweet but they sometimes give you a headache.

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when I worked in a 7-Eleven a woman asked me for chocolate ice cream

Me: sorry, we only have strawberry and vanilla.
Woman: Do you have a pint of chocolate ice cream?
Me: no, we only have strawberry and vanilla.
Woman: do you have a half gallon of chocolate ice cream?
Me: Can you spell the "van" in vanilla
Woman: V A N
Me: Can you spell the "straw" ...

A girl gets a thorn in her hand...

On her way to a party, Trisha, a rebellious teenage girl drops her little sister off at a friends house. Trisha drops off her little sister, says hi to the parents and then leaves for the party.

The young girl runs straight to the backyard where her friends are. It's a beautiful summers even...

In what way is ice cream like a first date?

You're a psychopath if you eat either at room temperature.

what do you call a group of Goth people eating ice cream?

Depressed á la móde

Jimmy was watching his mum put on face cream. "What's that for?" he asked.

"It's to make me look beautiful," she told him.

After a couple of minutes she started to wipe it off.

"Oh," said Jimmy, "Giving up already?"

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A dumb kid walks into an ice cream shop…

Kid: I’ll have a scoop of vanilla and a scoop of chocolate please.”

Worker: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate

Kid: Ok, make it a scoop of raspberry and a scoop of chocolate

Worker: Listen kid, can you spell the VAN in vanilla?

Kid: Sure. V-A-N

Worker: Can you spell t...

An animal rescuer, homeless shelter director, volunteer pediatrician, and ice cream machine repairman are waiting at the Pearly Gates

The animal rescuer meets Saint Peter who reviews her resume of thousands of animals she's saved. Shaking his head, he announces: "Denied."

Next is the homeless shelter director. Saint Peter looks over his resume, nods slightly, but still announces: "Denied."

The volunteer pediatricia...

I confessed to my girlfriend that I accidentally gave her eyebrow relaxing cream.

She didn’t seem to care that much.

One astronaut says to another. I can’t find any milk for my coffee

The other astronaut replies “In space no one can. Here, use cream”

A great tragedy befalls Russia

At a state dinner dozens of high ranking officials have died. After eating a mushroom cream soup generals started falling to the floor left and right.

The investigation is quick: the official cause is mushroom poisoning. Members of the press are invited to the scene of the tragedy.

"A...

Little Johnny strikes again



### Teacher: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?

### Little Johnny: None.

### Teacher: Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?

### Little Johnny: None!

### Teacher: Can you explain...

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this morning, my wife saved me from choking to death on a custard cream biscuit.

The fat cunt had eaten them all.

So a woman is chasing down an ice cream truck...

... And the ice cream man stops and says, "What can I get for you, Ma'am?" She says "Nothing, just wanted to tell you I'm vegan."

What is a cowboy's favourite ice cream?

Yee-Häagen-Dazs!

Barber vs kid

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarter...

A man orders coffee with no cream and no sugar.

After a few minutes, the waitress comes back and says, "we're out of cream. What about no milk?"

A man was deathly afraid of ice cream

So much so that the mere sight or mention of the tasty frozen treat could send him into a panic attack.

He tried to avoid it, but it was everywhere. In movies. In songs. On social media. In real life!

Due to the severity of his condition, the man resolved to find a life partner who hat...

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I’m lactose intolerant and…

Last night, I decided to have ice cream, just for shits.

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A kid is running around the house when he runs upstairs and finds his dad shaving in the bathroom.

The dad cuts himself and yells "shit."

The kid asks, "dad, what's shit?"

"Oh it's shaving cream."

The kid says "ok" and runs around again. He goes into the kitchen and his mom is cutting the turkey. She cuts herself with a knife and says "fuck."

The kid asks, "mom, what's...

My next door neighbour is a ice cream man, he went missing and we eventually found him in the back of his van covered in sprinkles, caramel, crushed oreos and chocolate flakes

Apparently he topped himself!

I've been prescribed anti gloating cream...

Can't wait to rub it in.

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My wife smacked me because she saw me give another woman a cream pie at work.

What's wrong with this woman? I work at a bakery.

A lady walks into an ice cream shop. "Can I get a chocolate scoop on a cone?" she asks.

"Sorry, ma'am, but we're out of chocolate ice cream," says the man behind the counter.
"Oh, well then can I get a chocolate sundae?" she asks.
"We're out of chocolate," he repeats.
"Well, how about a chocolate milkshake?"
The man is frustrated at this point and decides to teach h...

Just desserts

At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”

“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”

The cast of The Wizard of Oz go out for ice cream.

The Lion stops licking his cone, yelling, "Ouch!" and gripping his temples.

The Tinman stops licking his cone, yelling, "Ouch!" and gripping his temples.

Dorothy stops licking her cone, yelling, "Ouch!" and gripping her temples.

The Scarecrow says, "What's the matter with you ...

An anteater walks into a coffee bar ...

... where all the workers, naturally, are English majors and grads. "I'd like a cinnamon latte," he said, "where the cream balances the astringency of the dark roasted coffee beans and the grated spice adds a piquant warmth to the taste of the beverage."

"Why the long clause?" asked the bari...

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The Hawaii Special

Two guys are talking.
“Hey, did you know about the Hawaii special at the strip club?”.
“”No?”.
“It’s sooo good. One of the dancers gets naughty with you, and once you get hard, she slips a pineapple slice on your penis and eats it.”.
“Sounds great, I’m gonna try next weekend!”.

N...

How do you make a whale float?

Two scoops of ice cream, some root beer, and a whale.

Due to smugness I’ve been prescribed anti-gloating cream..

I can’t wait to rub it in…

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Ice-cream man.

An Ice-cream man has been found dead with three chocolate flakes stuck up his ass covered in chocolate spread with hundreds and thousands sprinkled all over his body..

Police believe he topped himself..

Guy is standing in front of the freezer, looking for something to make for dinner.

His wife calls over to him "Hey Honey, is there any ice cream left in there?"

He replies, "Yes, there's about half a pint of mint chocolate chip, do you want it?"

His wife says "How hard is it?"

The guy replies "As hard as I was last night."

Wife says "Ok, can you pour me...

A woman wanted to buy a bagel with cream cheese at my deli.

I told her we only take cash or card.

(Tagged NSFW to be on the safe side)This penguin is out in a road trip.

You know, just seein’ the sights, being a tourist.

He gets out on the freeway and really opens ‘er up tearing siwn the road.

Suddenly, his car gives a pop, and smoke starts billowing out of his hood.

Cripes, he thinks, and he pulls off the freeway and slowly works his way to a m...

Did you hear about the man who got hit by a milk truck?

He got creamed.

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The wife brought home a tub of ice-cream

and asked if I wanted some. "How hard is it?" I asked. She cheekily
replied, "As hard as your cock when you're thinking about me naked!". I said "Go on then, pour me a
glass....."

Where do tigers go for ice cream?

Carol Baskin Robbins

A penguin takes his car to the shop...

and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one loo...

Surely the best advert for 'anti-ageing cream' would be .....

A 5 year old lying on the bathroom floor covered in cream shouting.....'help ...help i've used too much'.

How does a genome eat ice cream?

Helix it

What day is ice cream day?

Sunday!

Why did the ice cream have an umbrella? Because of the sprinkles!

(Courtesy of my four year old son)

A little old man goes to the ice cream parlor.

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

I have a lactose intolerant friend who sells ice cream for a living.

He can’t take it, but he can dish it out.

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An elderly man and his wife are both having problems remembering things.

During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

“Will you g...

An astronaut makes coffee

It's an astronaut's first day on the ISS and he's making himself a cup of coffee. He says to a colleague:

"Huh I can't find the milk"

And the other astronaut replies:

"In space no one can, here, use cream"

Why did the ice cream truck break down?

It drove over a rocky road

Little Johnny - Ice Cream

An elementary school math teacher asked her class one day, "If there are three birds on a wire, and a farmer shot one, how many are left?"

One little boy said two, but little Sally, realizing it was a trick question, said, "None, 'cause everyone knows that if you shoot at birds they all...

I overheard a man order a sundae with nuts, but no ice cream.

To me, that's just nuts.

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A man walks in to an ice cream parlour

He notices a sign on the wall that states "we can make any flavour you can imagine" he decides to challenge them and asks "can you make pussy flavour?", the assistant replies "sure, give me a few minutes" and starts mixing all the different flavours together to get it perfect, he hands the ice cream...

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What do you get if you dip your balls in ice cream?

Brain freeze.

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An Ice Cream vendor sells Vagina flavored ice cream.

An Ice Cream vendor sells a new flavor of ice cream called Vagina to a customer.
-Customer: It tastes like shit!!!
-Ice cream vendor: You are taking too big licks!

A young girl asks her father, “Daddy what does the word ‘corruption’ mean?”

- “Bring me a beer and I’ll tell you.”
- “But mummy says you shouldn’t drink!”
- “Get a nice ice cream as well while you bring me beer.”
- “Oh, okay!”

What did Ernie say when Bert asked if he wanted ice cream?

Sure....Bert.

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The Man who could only Drink Milk

I know an old man who had lived a life full of adventure, but his health started to catch up with him. He'd run the Boston Marathon, was an avid surfer, and climbed Everest, but he'd started to have abdominal pains around his 85th birthday and went to see a doctor. Sadly, he ultimately was diagnosed...

A penguin goes on vacation..

A penguin is driving his car through the country when it starts to smoke. He brings it to the local garage and asks the mechanic to look at it. The mechanic shakes his head and says, "I'll take a look, but it might take some time." The penguin shrugs and replies, "That's alright, I'll wander aroun...

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Two people make a bet..

Long
(this is a translation from another language)
In the Royal court of King Akbar, there were two exceptionally skilled men, Birbal known for his wits, and Tansen known for being the best singer.
So one day Birbal was bragging about how smart he was, then Tansen challenged Birbal that if...

My farmer friend told me that horse manure is excellent for strawberries.

I said, “You may be right, but I still prefer whipped cream.”

A man and his wife are shopping together.

The man puts a case of beer in the cart and she says “Put that back on the shelf!”

So they continue shopping and the wife puts face cream in the cart and he asks “What the hell do you need that for?” The wife says “It makes me look pretty!” The husband replies”So does the beer and it’s on sal...

I woke up this morning and saw two birds sitting in the sun in my backyard, eating ice cream.

They were Basking Robins.

Customer: I would like to buy a bagel with cream cheese

Waiter: I'm sorry we only accept cash.

A forgetful husband

An old couple sit in their living room when the wife starts complaining to her husband. "You are getting more and more forgetful, it's terrible, you never bring me what I asked for." He rejects this claim and says: "This is not true, I'll prove you wrong and bring you some food from the kitchen. Wha...

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Johnny walked in the the ice cream store

He asked for one scoop of chocolate and one scoop of vanilla.

The man behind the counter says "I'm sorry, but we are all out of chocolate."

So johnny says "hmm, in that case I'll take one scoop of strawberry and one scoop of chocolate."

The man looks at johnny and says " I'm sor...

What did the skimmed milk say to the cream?

You can make me whole again

Why did little Timmy drop his ice cream cone?

He was run-over by a car.

A man and his 5 year old son are out for a walk.

The kid stops next to an ice cream shop :
- Daddy , daddy can you buy me an ice cream?
- Sorry son but your mother only gave me enough money to buy 6 beers.

Percy Penguin

One day Percy Penguin was driving into town when suddenly his car started making a funny noise and started smoking, fortunately there was a garage nearby so he quickly pulled in. He went in and told the mechanic what had happened, the mechanic said he would finish what he was doing in about ten minu...

I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends.

She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."

So a guy walks into an ice cream shop...

The server asks, "What'll it be?"

He says, "Well, my girlfriend is furious with me and I figured some dessert might help calm her down. Can you recommend anything?"

The server points to a sign. It says "Sore Bae".

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A few men are waiting in line for ice cream

It was a beautiful sunny day and while the sun stayed shining it began to rain (something that doesn't happen that often)

An old white man at the front of the line turns back to everyone else and says

"Here in America we used to say "The devil's been beatin' his wife" when the weather ...

I'm kinda new to gardening...

Someone suggested I put horse manure on my strawberries.

Well, I'm never doing that again...

I'll just stick to whipped cream.

(Wife’s joke) I like my cooter like I like my coffee…

Full of cream. (God I love this woman)

Where do you go to study the most difficult ice cream recipes?

Sundae school...

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The Three Stooges are spending the night in a haunted house... and get up to their usual eye-poking, nyuk-nyuking, slapstick shenanigans. In the middle of the pie fight, a poltergeist appears. Curly throws a cream pie and it turns around in midair and smacks him right in the face!

He turns to Moe and says, "Hey, I think that ghost must have been from Australia."
"Oh yeah, why?"
"Because it just threw a Boo-Meringue at me!"

When I was a kid you could walk into a shop with a quarter and come out with 2 cokes, 3 bags of chips and an Ice cream...

Nowadays, CCTV everywhere.

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A terrorist group decides to hold a public castration of three villagers.

They ask to the first villager for his occupation. When he says that he's a woodsman they castrate him with an axe.

Then they ask to the second villager. Frightened, he says that he's a farmer. They castrate him with a sickle.

When the turn comes to the third villager they see that he ...

In honor of my 1st cake day, I present to you, my Dad's favorite joke

It's a really hot day and this penguin is having car trouble, so he takes it into a garage. The penguin asks, "How long will it be?" The mechanic says, "Just a few minutes." So the penguin decides to go get an ice cream at the grocery store across the street. When the penguin gets there he climbs in...

Jim is delivering a truckload of penguins to the zoo

His truck breaks down on the side of the highway and he has no clue what to do. Luckily a friendly fellow with another truck stopped and asked if the guy needed any help. Jim asks the man if he wouldn't mind taking the penguins to the zoo for him, and he would give him $100.

"Sure" the friend...

A beaver is eating an ice cream

He has a sour look on his face. 'I wish I'd reach the stick already' he mumbles to himself.

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Old Sven collapsed one chill November Saturday after chopping maple wood near his house in the birch forest, five miles outside of Eagle River, Wisconsin.

He arose, sauntered home and changed into his flannel, tractor-print pajamas. It grew quiet and his breathing became labored. So, Sven lay down on the plaid-quilted single bed in the green guest room. His wife, Lena, tended to his care. He said nothing and sipped only a cup of water or two. On the e...

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A pretty and sexy woman was eating ice cream

A man comes near her and says:
-Madam, may I ask you a favor, but I am pretty sure you'll misunderstand me. Woman responds:
-Oh sir, no problem just say it.

"Can I lick it for once?" the man says.
"Oh, of course, here you are" answers the woman and passes the ice cream to man.
...

A man goes to an ice cream stall in siberia

The owner askes "Which type of ice cream? The ice cream from the freezer, or the ice cream on the display cabinet?"

The man replies "The one in the freezer, i'm pretty sure it's warmer in there".

I told my doctor that I got a nasty reaction from applying the haemorrhoid cream he prescribed.

He asked where I had applied it.

I was on the bus.

What kind of ice cream goes in a bird bath?

Bask’n Robins

Where do you learn to make complicated ice-cream dishes?

Sundae school.

Advice

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.

The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. I...

Somebody walks into an ice cream parlor

and asks "what flavors do you have?"

The attendant says "over there on the signs on the wall, you'll see them all"

Clients goes "Ehm, well I'll have a cone with two scoops of *Mondays Closed*."

What's a football player's favorite ice cream?

Any given sundae

Whenever my Muslim roommate goes to pray, I sit next to him with some apple pie and ice cream.

Then both of us are in A La mode.

‌‌The man n‌‌ext t‌‌o m‌‌e o‌‌n t‌‌his r‌‌ollercoaster w‌‌on't s‌‌top s‌‌creaming.

Its l‌‌ike he's n‌‌ever s‌‌een a‌‌ p‌‌enis b‌‌efore.

My dad is an online comedian who specialises in dad jokes about ice cream.

He calls himself the "LOL ePop".

I bought some espresso ice cream last night and was super excited to try it!

Unfortunately I left it on the counter when I was putting all my other groceries away. I found it this morning completely melted.

I guess you could say.....

Affogato bout it....

I'm opening a floating restaurant on a houseboat where we sell ice cream tacos, and our mascot is a gorilla dressed like an ancient Mongolian warrior.

I call it "Attila Gorilla's Vanilla Tortilla Flotilla"

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I went to the doctors for some butt cream

I called the doctor the next day...

Me: Doctor, I’ve had quite a reaction from applying this cream you’ve given me

Doctor: oh really? Where did you apply it?

Me: on the bus.

My wife teases me with ice cream bc she knows I’m lactose intolerant.

She really milks it too.

What’s the motto of an ice cream shop in paradise?

Heaven ice day

A man walks into a coffee shop

A man walks into a coffee shop and asks the waiter for a coffee with no cream.

The waiter says “I’m sorry, but we don’t have any cream today. Would you like a coffee with no milk instead?”

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