Astronaut 1: "I can't find any milk for my coffee."

Astronaut:"In space no one can. Here, use cream."

I was offered a job at the local ice cream shop

But I turned it down.

I don't like working on sundaes.

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Kowalski goes into the ice cream parlor and orders a chocolate ice cream..

”I’m sorry, sir,” says the clerk, ”but we are out of chocolate.”

”Oh,” says Kowalski, ”in that case I will take some chocolate.”

”No, no, sir,” says the clerk, ”you don’t understand. We have run out of chocolate.”

”Oh,” says Kowalski, ”then, just give me some chocolate.”
...

Applying cream

I went back to see my doctor today.

I said, "I applied the hemmeroid cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction."

"Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked.

I replied "on the bus."

A man and his wife are grocery shopping.

The man sees a case of beer on one of the shelves and puts it in the cart.

“What are you doing?” asks his wife.

“They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans.” he responds.

“Well, put it back. We can’t afford those.”

Without another word, the man obeys his wife and puts the case...

What do you call jalapeño flavored ice cream?

Spice cream.

There was this physicist who came to the ice cream bar every day

to buy two ice creams: one for himself and another that he offers to the empty spot next to him.

Eventually, the ice cream salesman asks him: "Why do you keep doing that?"

P: "Well... quantum mechanics teach us that it's theoratically possible for a girl to spontaneously burst into exi...

What do you call a dispute between ice cream about their kids?

A custardy battle

An Ice cream parlour was broken into near me

Apparently they made off with Hundreds and thousands

A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal

He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.

The Genie offered me one wish. I asked for a McDonald's ice cream. When he told me the machine was broken and he couldn't do the impossible I got to pick another wish. I asked him for an original joke on reddit. He agreed to grant my wish but had one last question...

Would you like that in a cone or a cup?

Two women are eating ice cream

One is licking her ice cream and the other one biting it. Sherlock and Wattson are sitting and looking at them.

Sherlock asks: "Wattson, try to guess which of those two women is married?"

Wattson replies: "Hmm, I guess the one thats licking her ice cream isnt married."

Sherlock...

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I felt pretty sick after drinking milk with cream.

My stomach was churning for a while, but now I’m finally feeling butter.

I saw a lady on the street the other day wearing nothing but whipped cream.

She was Chantilly Clad.

I've been prescribed anti-gloating cream.

I can't wait to rub it in.

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A man walks into an ice cream shop...

... and tells the clerk "I want a gallon of Vanilla ice cream, a gallon of Strawberry ice cream, and a gallon of Chocolate ice cream." The clerk replies, "I'm sorry sir, we don't have any Chocolate." "Ok then" the man continues "I want a quart of Vanilla ice cream, a quart of Strawberry ice cream, a...

What's my dad's favorite ice cream flavor?

Abandonmint

Where does one learn to make ice cream?

Sundae school!

Me: What's the name of the dessert where you put an espresso over ice cream?

Colleague: Affogato

Me: Yeah I forgot too, I'm sure there's a name for it...

Someone broke into our shop and stole all 31 flavors of ice cream

It was a Baskin-Robbery

The ice cream van thieves

Two bank thieves decided to plan their final job, a huge bank near the Sahara desert.

Their trick was to leave the crime scene in a ice - cream truck, this way the police never suspected them. This final heist however was to prove their last.

They arrived in an battered old minivan an...

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The guy spots a girl with a big boobs having an ice cream

He approaches her and says: "Don't get me wrong, but I'd love to lick...".

She is puzzled, and stretches the arm towards the guy: "Yeah, sure!"

Guy: "I just knew you would get it wrong..."

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Baskin Robbin's have a new pussy flavoured ice cream

But be careful because it tastes like ass if you have too big of a lick

Why did the boy drop his ice cream?

He got hit by a truck

Why is cream more expensive than milk?

Because the cows hate squatting over the little bottles.

(This was one of Kurt Vonnegut's favorite jokes!)

A dermatologist makes a fortune selling skin cream and runs off with the money.

Rumor has it he was last spotted on his way to a topical island.

How do you make the ice cream more expensive?

Just put it in the fridge longer. It will turn into a Cold Stone.

What is a blind girls favorite ice cream

Dippin Dots

Hey Ernie, you want some ice cream?

Sure Bert!

A Man goes to the doctor

with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

Where do people go in Skyrim to buy ice cream?

To their local Dovah Queen

I am broken when my name is spoken. What am I?

McDonald’s ice cream machine

During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children enter the dining room totally nude and walk slowly around the table.

The parents are so embarrassed that they pretend nothing is happening and keep the conversation going. The guests cooperate and also continue as if nothing extraordinary is happening. After going all the way around the room the children leave, and there is a moment of silence at the table, during wh...

Why did Johnny drop his ice cream cone?

Because he got hit by a bus.

Why did sally drop her ice cream cone?

She didn’t have any arms.

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Not sally.

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On the tub of ice cream I bought it said "50% less fat"

It's a fucking con, guys.



I just ate the whole tub and I'm actually heavier.

My favorite ice cream flavor is Death By Chocolate...

Because it satisfies two cravings at once

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a dinosaur that uses hemorrhoid cream ?

Mega sore arse

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’d like to eat that full of ice cream - NSFW

A lady goes into a shoe store to buy some new shoes. The salesman helping her after she picks out a pair she likes, kneels down in front of her chair to put them on her feet.
He looks up and and notices she isn’t wearing any panties under her skirt. He says to her “ma’am that’s the most beautifu...

“What’s that dessert with the ice cream and espresso called?”

Said the white lady to the immigrant ice cream shop owner.

Owner: “Affogato”

White lady: “Well can you try to remember?”

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A guy and his friend buy ice cream.

The guy says "I don't want to be racist, but this ice tastes great!"

The friend replies "That is not racist."

"That's what I said. Fucking Romanians, they never listen."

What do you call a hand cream that makes you cry?

A moist-your-eyes-er

Why did the kid drop his Icecream?

Because he got hit by a train while crossing the rails.
#staybehindtheyellowline

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I'd like to buy some ice cream please...

Ice Cream Man: Sure, what kind would you like?



Kid: Um...chocolate



Ice Cream Man: Oh, sorry kid. We're out of chocolate. I still have plenty of strawberry and vanilla though.



Kid: Um...okay...I'll have...chocolate please



Ice Cream Man: Uh, ...

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I tried some anti-masturbation hand cream for the first time.

It's fantastic - can't beat it

A woman asked me what a creampie was

I made sure to fill her in

What is cream cheese's favorite part of a wedding

The Toast

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A slice of coconut cream pie is $2.50 in Barbados. It is $2.75 in Trinidad & Tobago. $3.25 on St. Thomas

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

What caused the ice cream truck to break down?

a rocky road

I thought I was buying a super awesomely high-powered jock itch cream.

but apparently the "AF" stands for "antifungal."

What’s the difference between vanilla ice cream and French vanilla ice cream?

Cowardice

Have there been any new advances in anti-itch skin creams?

It just seems like we've only scratched the surface.

Guy walks into an ice cream shop

And says give me some chocolate, some marshmallows, and some almonds. The elderly gentleman working the counter says “Careful son, you’re heading down a rocky road.”

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself cautiously, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

Cream Loses Its Magic

Little Michael watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.' Why do you do that, Mummy?' he asked

'To make myself beautiful', said his mother who then began removing the cream with a tissue
'What's the matter?' asked little Michael, 'Giving up?'

The Ice Cream Truck

On a hot sunny day, the ice cream truck was driving slowly until the driver saw a woman chasing frantically down the sidewalk, screaming "Hey, Wait!"

He stops, parks and opens the window, with a smile.

"What'll it be lady?"

She tries to catch her breath, but she manages to tell ...

What do you call a WWE wrestler who works at an ice cream shop?

Cold Stone Steve Austin

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Woman comes into an ice cream store and the kid working says, “hi, what can I get for you?”

The woman says, “I need a gallon of chocolate, a gallon of vanilla, and a gallon of strawberry ice cream please.”

The kid says, “I can do the vanilla and strawberry but we’re out of chocolate.”

Oh, “says the woman, disappointed. Then just get me a pint of chocolate, a pint of vanilla, ...

I once beat cream depressingly with a fork.

No whisk no fun.

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?"

Johnny says, "None."

The teacher asks, "Why?"

Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all of...

I heard that life made a new lemon cream flavored cereal

When life gives you lemons.

Did you hear about the serial killer that got killed in a standoff with the police in an ice cream shop?

He got what he dessert.

Patient: I seem to be seeing cream cakes in the corner of my eye

Doctor: that's just your profiterole vision

A penguin, some ice cream, and a mechanic.

A penguin is driving in the desert on a remote highway, when his car suddenly begins making funny noises, and smoke begins pouring out of the engine.

He pulls into a gas station that also happens to have a mechanic. He asks the mechanic about his car being fixed.

“I’ll take a look at ...

What do you call an expired invisibility cream?

Disap-ointment.

(OC)

When I was a kid people used to cover me in cream and put a cherry on my head

It was tough living in the gateau

Whenever my Muslim roommate goes to pray, I sit down next to him with some apple pie and ice cream.

So that both of us are in A la mode.

An ice cream man is driving his truck on a hot summer day.

He glances in his rear-view mirror, and notices a man running behind the truck. The man looks sweaty and exhausted and it's clear that he's been chasing the truck for blocks, if not longer. The driver immediately pulls over. "I'm sorry I didn't see you!" he says to the man when he gets to the window...

Skin Cream

These days applying skin cream to an area of the body is quite topical.

What is Donald Trump’s least favorite flavor of ice cream?

Peach Mint.

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Two men with Alzheimer’s at the bech

Edit: *Beach (haha)

....they are peckish and want some food.

The first man (Bob) says “Carl, do you want to buy us a couple of ice creams?”

Carl: Sure what do you want?

Bob: vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce

Carl: Ok, I’ll be back now.
...

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While waiting in line at an ice cream shop an elderly woman orders a plain chocolate cone.

The man behind the counter said “we’re out of chocolate today but there are other flavors with chocolate in them, what would you like?”

She again attempts to order plain chocolate. The man repeats “Ma’am we’re out of chocolate today but there are other flavors with chocolate in them, what wou...

I replaced my dad's shaving cream with mayonnaise...

He shouted "what the Hellman!"

What would happen if an Ice Cream’s feet are cut off?

It would lack toes.

I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends.

She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."

Edit: Front page! Hi mom.

Thanks for the gold you amazing stranger, you.

My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We've been married nine years today.

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man broke into my house last night, and he stole my cheese, milk, ice cream, yogurt, and butter.

How dairy.

A man walks into a cafe and asks for a small decaf coffee with sugar and no cream

The waitress leaves to fetch the coffee but returns a moment later.

“Sorry sir, we’re all out of cream. Would you prefer no milk?”

A quantum physicist and his friend go out for ice cream.

"What's your favourite flavour?" asks the friend.

"Charm," replies the physicist.

His friend looks at him.

"Why is it that whenever I ask you a question," begins the friend, "your answer is always strange?"

"Well it's strange *now*," the physicist protests, "shouldn't hav...

I want to be a psychoanalyst! or “Which of the three women eating ice-cream is married?”

At school, the young teacher Mrs. Smith is asking pupils who they want to become. The answers are:

\--I want to become a pilot!

\--And me – a fireman!

Little Johnny: “I want to become a psychoanalyst!”

The teacher, puzzled by the unusual choice:

\--Why so?

L...

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Press the lid of an ice cream container before you buy it. If it's solid, it's been properly stored. If it depresses

You'll still eat it you fat fuck.

I went out for ice cream and asked for a scoop of Forbidden Chocolate.

They said no.

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My wife is deathly afraid of snakes so I got her last year by placing a rubber Copperhead in her glove compartment.

She nearly shit herself! Sadly, she finally got me back today and I must admit it was pretty crafty.

She knows that every morning I have a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast so last night before she went to sleep she fucked my brother and emptied my bank account.

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Accidently spilled vanishing cream on my gerbil Lenny, and thus immediately took him to our vet

Bastard said he couldn't see him right now.

Why doesn’t Micheal J. Fox own an ice cream shop?

He can only sell shakes.

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