Why was the shark eating pineapples?

Because it makes seamen taste better.

Did you hear about the honeydew and pineapple who tried getting married?

The court said they *cant-eloupe*

Here’s a joke my 5yo told us last night

What do you call a pineapple with no yellow part?

A cactus.

From where do you get pineapple milk?

From its pinenipples!

Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

What's the difference between a School bus and a pineapple?

The little pricks are on the outside of the pineapple!

I once put rum and pineapple into CERN's particle accelerator

Discovered the Piña Collider

The next person that asks me for a pineapple juice

a cranberry juice and some lemonade with a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a punch..

Nike have unveiled a pair of trainers made from pineapple leather to appeal to Vegans...

They tried other fruits, but reviews said the ones made from bananas felt too much like slippers.

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Three men get lost in the woods...

As they search for a path out together they accidentally stumble into the part of the woods ruled by fairies. The fairy King is not impressed with intruders and orders them executed. They beg for their lives and the King decides they shall complete a two part challenge to be shown the way out.
<...

A peach murder-suicides his wife and children…

Three days later, a pineapple detective arrives to the crime scene and begins to observe the deteriorated remains of the family.

Pineapple says, “well that’s just the pits.”

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They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.

But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.

WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA?

Malaysian airlines 173

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

Someone important came to my house. I tried to make him a pizza with pineapples out of spite, but I burned it.

I should have put it on aloha temperature.

Mr. Pineapple and his Honey Melon are berry in love..

"Sweety, we are ripe for a wedding! Let's invite olive our fruity friends!"

"Are you sure we cantaloupe?"

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Pineapples

A stockboy is stacking fruit on a display, when a lady asks "Do you have any pineapples? " The stockboy replies "Sorry ma'am, we are out of pineapples, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning" The lady looks around some more. A few mins later she runs back to him asking where the pineappl...

What do you call a pineapple upside-down cake in Australia?

A pineapple cake

Way too much time on my hands so I decided to make a bong out of a pineapple and paper towel tube. Didn't want to leave the house, so tried to smoke oregano, but found it really hurt my throat. Tried black pepper, but it just made me sneeze...

Moved on to some ground ginger, but the smoke made my eyes water.

Went on the internet where it says banana peels can be smoked, but couldn't get them dry enough to combust.

Checked under the sofa cushion, found an old bent up cigarette, placed it in the bowl, took a deep hit and real...

A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?

Schizophrenia.

Fed up with with the prices at the grocery store, a housewife finds the nearest employee and screams " YOU CAN TAKE THIS $12 PINEAPPLE, AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!"

The grocery clerk said "I'm sorry Ma'am but I can't. I already have an $18 chicken, a $6 gallon of milk, and 3 avocados up there"

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Pineapple & Semen

Isn't it odd that pineapple makes semen taste good, yet semen makes pineapple taste like shit.

Credit to Harris Wittels

A man walks into a bar with a pineapple on his head.

The bartender looks at him quizzically and says “Mate. Why the hell do you have a pineapple on your head?!” The man answers “Oh, it’s ok. I always wear a pineapple on my head on Tuesdays.” The bartender says “But it’s Thursday...” Upon hearing this the man’s face changes to a look of abject horror a...

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3 Explorers are captured by a cannibal tribe...

the chief of the tribe goes to them and says, "If you wish to live and be set free, you must follow this order: Go out into our jungle and collect 10 of a single fruit. Then return here by sundown." All wanting to live, the 3 explorers go off into the jungle.

The first comes back with 10 man...

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3 biologists are exploring an uncharted jungle...

... when suddenly they are seized by natives.

The natives tie them up and take the 3 men to the village where they are placed before the chieftain.

The chieftain says, “You have trespassed on our sacred land, and so, you must be punished. You have one chance to save yourselves from de...

Orange and apple walk into a bar

Okay, so there's this orange and an apple and they walk into a fruit bar.

Well, they don't exactly *walk*, they more or less *roll*. Anyway, the apple says to the bartender, who is actually a banana, "What does one have to do to get a …."

Ah....wait. I think I messed it up.

... ...

Pineapple on pizza is like going down on your cousin.

It tastes good, but something ain't right.

A person was hit by a bus after he claimed pineapple goes with pizza...

Also, I lost my bus license today.

I've come here to make non sequiturs and kick ass,

and I'm all out of pineapples.

From my 8 year old...

What do you get when you mix a Christmas tree and an IPad? A pineapple.

Don't ban me please.

Stranded unfortunately...

##

3 men survive a plane crash in the ocean and wash up on a random remote island. They are soon captured by the local natives who tie them up and keep them captive. After a few days of being tied up, the are brought in front of The Chief. The Chief informs them that they're to go out into t...

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Two men walked into a Chinese restaurant and sat down to eat. To pass the time, they started talking about different countries and major religions.

"Hey Sam. You ever wondered whether there are any Jews in China?" one man asked his buddy.
"Whoa I never thought of that. Lets ask our waiter He's Chinese."

So they called the waiter and asked. "So we were curious. Are there any Chinese Jews?" one man asked.
The waiter looked confused ...

I'm having a bun filled with ham and pineapple for my lunch today...

That's Hawaii roll...

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Pineapples

An Englishman, a Spaniard, and a Frenchman were on a ship headed towards the New World. On their journey, they encountered a bad storm, and were shipwrecked. They awoke and found themselves on an island, tied up and captives of a cannibal tribe.

The leader of the cannibals tells them that if ...

As she glared at me as we sat in the hospital,

It occurred to me that we probably should've changed our safe word from "pineapple" when we started experimenting with produce.

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I have a friend

He's a bit of a smarty pants. He comes to me today and tells me, "you know that an onion is the only food that can make you cry?"


So I shoved a pineapple up his arse.

A pizza shop owner was found dead covered in pepporoni, mushrooms, ham and pineapple.

Word is...he topped himself.

What fruit was used the most in World War II

The pineapple grenade

Presidents

Two guys, one American, one Russian, are discussing their presidents:

– We despise our president, you know, when Trump is out in the crowd, everyone throws eggs, fruits - saw somebody throwing a pineapple at him; he get spit a lot and we swear at him aloud ...

– Here, In Russia, when P...

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One of my favorites

So three men crash land on an island in the middle of the ocean. They are soon captured by a tribe of cannibals. The leader tells each man to go find ten of a fruit and come back to the village. Each man, not wanting to be eaten, goes and gets the fruit.

The first man comes back with kiwis. T...

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Three men get lost in a forest and kidnapped by a cannibal tribe...

The chief tells them that since they don't seem to mean any harm, they must pass a test and if they do, he'll let them go free, he'll even point them in the direction of civilization. But if they cannot complete the test, they will be killed and served for dinner. First, he sends each of the men in ...

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I'm done. Guys, I'm fucking sick of this. I'm almost 20 and haven't been able to score a better job than a fucking cook at a local fast food joint.

What makes it worse is that I live in a small town, so business is pretty limited and where I work is the only place that'll hire high school graduates.

I'd get the hell out of this town if I could actually drive too, but I've failed every damn test I've ever taken.

I'm socially awkwa...

How do you confuse an idiot?

Put a pineapple on your head

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Confused?

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Three men lost in the jungle were captured by cannibals

The cannibal king told the men they could live if they successfully undertook a trial. The first step of the trial was for each to go into the forest and collect ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So the three went their separate ways into the forest. Soon the first came back with ten apples. The...

A man has been found dead at the pizza parlour

He was covered in ham, pineapple, onions, mushrooms, bell pepper, ground beef, pepperoni and four cheeses.

Police are saying he topped himself.

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A farmers daughter wants to have a sleepover with three of her guy friends(NSFW)

The farmer agrees but when the friends get there he sits them down and tells them "ok I'll let you sleep at my house, but if you sleep with my daughter I will kill you" And he leaves them for the night.

The following morning he wakes up early to tend to his crops and finds them already awake...

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Three men are captured by a tribe of cannibals

They are each told to go into the forest and bring back ten of any fruit.

The first man returns carrying kiwis, and is told that if he can fit all of them into his ass without making a sound, he will be allowed to live. He manages to get four in, but on the fifth he gasps, and he is taken off...

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Indian Jews

Two Jewish men, Sid and Al, were sitting in an Indian restaurant in New York. Sid asked Al, 'Are there any Jewish people of our faith born and raised in India?'

Al replied, 'I don't know, let's just ask our waiter.'

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, 'Are there any Indian Jews?'...

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A plane went down over the ocean, and three of the survivors end up stranded on a remote tropical island.

They don't get very far before a tribe of cannibals capture them and bring them back to their village as prisoners. One of the men says "Please don't eat us! We'll do anything!". The cannibal's chief decides to have a bit of fun with them and says "Oh? Well then, go into the forest and come back wit...

Got a list for y'all

1. (OC) Where do ghosts go to get their teeth worked on?

>!The Orthohauntist!!<



2. Two muffins are in the oven, one says to the other: Ya think it's getting hot in here?

the other one says: >!AHH!! A TALKING MUFFIN!!<



3. One guy says to his fri...

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There is a young man who lives a terrible life.

He had to go to school AND go to work, but his teacher hated him and would fail him for every test he took, and his boss was so cheap and crooked, he was barely making any money at all even after working for him for years. On top of that, he was hated so much by his co-worker and that there was an a...

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Here’s one for ya

Three guys go and explore a jungle. They get captured by a clan of cannibals. The cannibals tell them to go into the jungle and pick 5 of the same fruit and bring it back.

The first guy comes back with 5 coconuts. The cannibals tell him that if he can get all five up his butt without making a...

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A cruise ship wrecks in the middle of the ocean.

The only three survivors are tourists from different areas of the United States. A man from Georgia, a man from Florida and a man from Hawaii. They float on a raft until they hit an island where they’re met by a tribe of fierce locals who despise outsiders. A member of tribe offers to translate for ...

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A Japanese, a German and a Mexican are lost in a tropical island, when they found a cannibal tribe

“We eat you now” -Says the tribe boss.

“Please, no” -Says the mexican. -“you can eat fruits if you want, why humans being”

“We like human, we eat humans” -said the boss.

“If we bring you fruits, you can eat fruits instead of eating us” -Continue the mexican.

The tribe bos...

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