UPJOKE
eggcaponroosterpoultrymeatfowlhenbirdwimpcowardlypheasantchickenpoxporkpigchick

A chicken goes into the library, walks up to the librarian, and says, “Book.”

The librarian says, “You want a book?”

“Book.”

“Any book?”

“Book.”

So the librarian gives the chicken a novel and off it goes. An hour later the chicken comes back and says, “Bookbook.”

The librarian says, “Now you want two books?”

“Book-book.”

So she...

AITA? I bought my coworker chicken avocado instead of tuna avocado from Subway, and now they’re mad.

Whoops, wrong sub.

If you serve your kids frozen pizza or chicken nuggets for tea you are a terrible parent.

I don't care how busy you are, find the time to microwave them first at least.

I bought a chicken and an egg off Amazon

I'll let you know.

A duck was waiting to cross the road, when a chicken came running up.

"Whatever you do, don't do it!" shouted the chicken. "You'll never hear the end of it!"

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

Because, if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.

Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?

He was a chicken

What came first, the chicken or the egg?

An egg can't come

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The Priest chicken's

A Priest kept chickens at his village.

One evening the cock went missing.

At the church mass prayer gathering, the priest asked,

\- "Who has a cock?"

All the men got up.

\- "No, I meant who has seen a cock?"

...All the women got up.

\- "No, No, Who h...

I asked my wife, “Which came first, the chicken or the egg?”

Without hesitation, she sighed and said, “The Rooster did. The rooster always comes first.”

a Chicken drives up to a gas station.

Fuels up and goes to pay. Clerk: That'll be 80 bucks. Chicken sighs, clears his throat and starts: Buck... Buck..

A horse, a sheep, and a chicken lived together on a farm.

The horse had long dreamed of learning to play the guitar.


So the horse rings a music shop and he says, “Hey, I’d love to learn to play guitar. Is there anyone who can teach me”?


The music shop manager says “That’s not an issue, let’s get you started on some music lessons.” ...

What happens when you cross a chicken with a turbocharger?

Fast food.

Why did the chicken go to a séance?

To get to the other side.

chicken with 3 legs

So this guy in a sports car is driving down an old country road. He looks over and there is a Rooster running right along side him. In his disbelief he looks at the speedometer...15mph.

So he speeds up to 25 and the Rooster speeds up. Next he realizes that the Rooster is speeding up and he al...

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The chicken farmer

A chicken farmer is visited by an official looking person one day. The farmer has no clue who the visitor is. The visitor asks "What do you feed your chicken?"

The honest and innocent farmer says "they just pick worms in the fields and eat whatever seeds and grains and crap they can get hold ...

A guy asks the waiter, how do you prepare the chicken?

We tell them right up front, you're not going to make it.

I started a Tinder app for chickens.

It’s not full time or anything. I just do it to make hens meet.

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I grilled a chicken tonight.

Bastard still didn’t tell me why it crossed the road.

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Horse and Chicken

are farmyard pals and take daily walks around a large farmyard. One day after a particularly heavy rainfall, horse takes a miss step and falls into a large hole in the ground. Unable to get out, horse panics and whineys to chicken for help. Chicken realises he's not up to help, rushes off to the far...

I tried to sell my chickens, ut was insulted by all the low offers.

All I could get was a poultry amount of money.

If a mother chicken is called a hen, what is a father chicken called?

Henry

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I bought a chicken to make sandwiches.

It doesn’t. It shits on the floor, after it crosses the road.

The coincidences

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said,

\- “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”

\- “What a coincidence,” the farmer said.

\- “This is a special day for me; I am cel...

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The billionaire and the mermaid whisperer

A billionaire is sailing his yacht past a lighthouse, and he sees the elderly lighthouse keeper out on the rocks at the base of the lighthouse, getting a blowjob from a mermaid - the top half was a stunning, curvy redhead, and the bottom half was a tiger shark. As he watches, the pair finish the act...

I’ve ordered a chicken and an egg online

I’ll let you know which one came first

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Drunk guy climbs into bed with his wife..

A drunk guy climbs into bed with his wife. He's so drunk he instantly passes out. A while after passing out he is awoken by a bright light emanating from the end of the bed. He struggles to get himself into a sitting position and after doing so sees that there is a figure in or behind the light.
...

Why did Mozart hate all of his chickens?

**When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, “Bach, Bach, Bach.”**

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Did you hear Jamaica is making a spinoff of the British Bake Off about cooking spicy chicken?

It's called the Jamaican Jerk Off.

a chicken is sitting at the bar

A man sits next to him

The chicken asks him whats your name..

The man looks at him and says..
Bond, james bond..

The man reciprocates the question.

The chicken says
Ken, chicken

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I just found out cock fighting is done with chickens

That's 8 months of training down the drain

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A truck full of chickens

A man drives with his truck through a long desert-like area.
His truck carries a load of living chickens and his only companion is his speaking parrot.

On day there is a beautiful young woman on the roadside trying to hitchhike.

He stops and asks what happend and why she is out here...

I met a chicken who was a fan of The Beatles today

He told me his number one thing on his bucket list was to meet someone named Abby.

When I asked him why, he said "I've always wanted to cross that road"

If you pound chicken with a clay oven…

Does that tandoorize it?

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A chicken and a horse go for a walk in the woods...

They walk a ways down a path when the horse falls into a deep puddle. The horse flails about and says, "little chick, little chick go get the farmer to bring his tractor and pull me out!" The little chick runs back down the path and tells the farmer he needs to bring his tractor to pull the horse ...

My boss got mad at me for calling a co-worker a chicken.

He said he doesn't tolerate any fowl language.

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The town drunkard gets berated by his wife for drinking with the money she gave him to get chicken.

With his ego hurt he promptly gets drunk again, steals a live hen from a nearby farm and tries to scramble back home before getting caught. In a bid to not get caught, he sneaks into a shabby cinema hall after somehow calming the hen down enough to stick it down his pants.
It was an adult film ...

I recently went to a comedy restaurant, and there was a chicken with a speech impediment on stage...

The food was great, but the yolks were terrible...

A chicken farmers’ chickens suddenly stop laying eggs one day…

He waits until the next day and still no eggs. A week goes by and still no eggs.

Worriedly, he calls a friend that is a biologist. The biologist comes over and takes temperatures of the chickens, takes stool samples and blood samples, and goes back to his lab. A week later the biologist ...

What does a chicken say when it's playing the piano?

Bach bach

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One day an old man is sitting in his porch when a young boy walks by holding some chicken wire

He tells out “What’re you gonna do with that?” The boy replies “Ima catch me some chicken” The man thinks to himself “That can’t be right”. Well about 2 hours later though, the boy comes back with a bunch of chickens tangled in the wire. The next day the man is on his porch and he sees the boy with ...

I hate jokes about chickens.

They're all fowl.

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because it saw someone from work on a Saturday.

What is the most competitive criminal chicken piece?

The contender

Joke a kid told me today: Why did the rooster go to KFC?

He wanted to see a chicken strip

Did you hear about the chicken that could count her own eggs?

She was a mathemachicken.

A police officer is eating chicken with rice, sitting across from a stranger

While eating he says, "Boy do I sure love Jasmine rice."

The stranger sitting across from him says, "That's not Jasmine rice, it's Basmati."

The police officer replies, "Are you sure? Do you mind if I ask you some questions about it?"

To which the stranger responds, "No, I know ...

Why do chicken coups have 2 doors ?

If they had 4, they would be chicken sedans.

Ordered some chicken nuggies at McDonalds. Drive through lady says: "Wakanda sauce"

This was right around the time Black Panther had come out so I go "hell yea I'll try that !"

She gon come back: SIR....... WHAT. KIND. OF. SAUCE.

What do you call a chicken who crosses the road, rolls in the mud, and then crosses back again?

A dirty double-crosser.

Why did the chicken go to the gym?

To build up it's pecs.

(apologies in advance. I made this up).

My Hispanic friend keep telling me that NASA always have sent chicken propelled rockets to space

Look at all the "Apollo" missions, he say

I've begun investing heavily in beef, chicken and vegetable stocks.

One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

I wanted to tell a dirty joke about a baby chicken but...

Then I realized it was a little fowl.

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No one expects it!

A guy was traveling in the Spanish countryside, and after driving all day he stopped for the night at a tiny inn. The innkeeper, upon giving him his key, asked him if he would like to participate in a battle of wits with his special chicken. "If you stump him, you get a wish, any wish you like!" he ...

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what's another name for chicken testicles?

A fowl ball

I'm vaccinated against chicken pox AND monkey pox.

I'm 2Pox Secure.

Tim the Chicken

Tim was a nervous chicken.

He rarely went out in public and spent the majority of his life trying to blend in to the background.

And this devotion to anonymity followed Tim through his entire childhood and adolescence.

As Tim approached his eighteenth birthday, his one friend,...

What's a chickens favourite games console?

Eggs-box

A sudden ruckus from the chicken coop wakes the old farmer and his wife.

The wife, wearing only her nightgown, rushed outside. She ran to the coop only to find a huge snake going after the eggs. She slammed her bare foot down on the head of the snake, ending it's life.

20 minutes later the farmer came into the coop to find his wife, toe tapping, hand on her hips,...

What do you call a chicken in a dinghy full of tomato sauce, using carrots for oars, chasing a British Conservative fleeing Brexit?

Chicken Cacciatore

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An old farmer is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise

when he sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying a spool of something metallic under his arm. “Hey boy, what do you have there?”

“Chicken wire.”

“What you gonna do with that?”

“Gonna catch some chickens.”

“You damn fool! You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!” says...

What did the chicken do when he went to the farming convention?

He put on ranch dressing.

\[should be original by my son\]

A librarian is at work at a pubic library and sees a chicken walk in.

The chicken walks up to the counter and says "book, book, book, book."

This continues until the librarian passes a book to the chicken who takes it and pushes it out the door.

A few minutes later the chicken comes right back on, pushes the book up to the counter and says "book, book, b...

Do you know how much a baby chicken costs?

Neither do I, but I know they cheap cheap cheap.

Chicken

BORROWED

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields....

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A young man is walking down the road carrying chicken wire

He passes by this old man’s house and the old man says, “Hey son, what are you doing with that chicken wire?” The young man says, “I’m going to catch me some chickens.” The old man laughs and says, “You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire.” So the young man keeps walking. But sure enough, later t...

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Nate and the chicken

Nate had just gotten out of prison, after serving a 5 year sentence for drug possession. He wanted to get laid, so he went to a brothel. The rates were well out of his price range, as he only had $20, but the madam of the brothel said, "Ok. I'll cut you a deal. We have a chicken you can fuck. Now, I...

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?



Neither. **The rooster came, and got the hen laid in the process.**



*(Biologist's answer: At some point a distant relative of the chicken laid an egg, and the mutations expressed in the chick's DNA would have it hatch as the first modern chicken - so the egg had to come first ...

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A man is driving down the highway at 60 mph when a three legged chicken passes right by him.

In shock, he decides to follow the chicken down this dirt road. He sees the chicken run onto this farm and into barn. The man gets out of his car and goes to the front door to speak with the farmer.

“Sir, I’m sorry to bother you, but I was driving down the highway doing atleast 60 mph when I...

What do you call a phantom chicken that moves things around the farm?

A Poultrygeist.

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A city slicker retires to the country...

Following a successful career on Wall St, Jim buys some land out in Nebraska to live a simpler life.

He has some of the land cleared and a huge, brand new ranch built.

Construction crews finish up, landscapers complete the final touches, and he moves the family in.

The next morn...

Why does the chicken shop at the dollar store?

Because everything is a buck, buck, buccccck

I have a chicken proof lawn

It's impeccable

I've started buying up chicken stock

Pretty soon, I'll be a bouillonaire!

A chicken walks into a bar...

The bartender yells, "Hey. We don't serve chickens in here. But I hear the bar across from us does."

"Don't give me the chicken, instead teach me how to lay eggs."

Once a wise man said.

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i tried my hand at breeding chickens

Turns out they only like cocks

What do chickens celebrate in December?

Eggs-mas

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The Horse and Chicken

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some...

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Three chefs were stuck on a deserted island.

They were completely out of food and about to starve to death so they decide they need to start eating each other.

First one of them cuts off his own hand. He marinades it in sea salt and then cooks it over a hot fire. The results are exquisite.

"Wonderfully crispy, just like my mother...

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Me and my dad has conflicting thoughts on raising chickens.

He likes them because they'd give him a quick buck, but I hate them because they are a bit too cocky.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the dummies house.

Knock knock... Who's there?

A chicken.

My 6 year old nephew's favorite joke. Tells it every chance he gets.

A little-known college basketball rule is that players are not allowed to own more than five pet chickens.

They will be ejected from a game if they have more than five personal fowls.

A joke my 8-year old made up: What do you call a chicken that's afraid of the dark?

A chicken

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because the road had betrayed the chicken many years earlier.

How do you make Chicken Napoleon?

You use only the bony parts.

What do you call a chicken rebellion?

a Coop d'etat

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A guy from the city decides to move to the country and take up farming

He goes to his first livestock auction and wins a bid on a male and female chicken. The seller says "You just moved from the city, right? If you want to fit in around here, you can't call these 'chickens'. This one is a cock, and this one is a pullet. By the way, if you want, I can sell you an ass -...

Why’d the chicken cross the basketball court?

He heard the ref was blowing fowls.

Mexican word of the day: Chicken Finger

I caught my wife cheating on me, I don't need her no more, Chicken Finger herself

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Scoutmaster

Dear Dad & Mom,

Our scoutmaster told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 Sleeping bags got washed away.

Luckily, none of us got drowned because we we're all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happen...

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“Do you know the difference between a dick and a chicken leg?”

“Nope.”

“Wanna’ go on a picnic?”

What do you call people who take care of chickens?

Chicken tenders

I've learned that "Chicken Kiev" is a misnomer

There's nothing chicken about them.

Why did the plant-based chicken cross the road?

Idk, it’s beyond meat.

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN:...

Why did the chicken cross the road, has been one of the most famous & long running joke and we all wonder why.

Well, because it has legs.

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A truck driver and his pet parrot are hauling a load of chickens

When all of a sudden he stops to pick up an attractive hitchhiker. He swings the door open and asks, "You want a lift?" She tells him "yes! Omg thank you!" As she starts to climb on in. When the parrot exclaims, "wanna fuck?" Which she stutters, "N-nnno." The parrot screeches, "No fuck! No ride!...

Werner Herzog tells a joke

"Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because of the enormity of its stupidity, there is no purpose to any of its actions."

Due to the current economic situation in the world, I’ve started a dating site for chickens.

It’s not my full-time job, I’m just doing it...
...to make hens meet.

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What is a chicken's favorite kind of porn?

Buhgawke

Why did the chicken cross-

Nvm, a car hit it.

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