Not a joke but a real incident that happened to an indian acquaintance of mine when he moved to Australia for higher studies..

So he comes out of the airport and gets into the cab.

The Aussie cab driver asked where he is from ?

He replied 'India '.

The cab driver asked ' So did you come to die?'

He froze as it was the times when there were racial attacks by white Aussies on people of indian des...

I nicknamed my ex girlfriend Australia

Because she has lots of scary things in her bush.

A British man is visiting Australia.

The man at customs asks him


"Do you have a criminal record?"


The British man replies


"I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.

There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have. wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.

The Texan immediate...

How do you tell the difference between yogurt and Australia?

If you leave yogurt in the sun for 250 years, it’ll develop culture.

What’s the one problem that everyone from Asia, Africa, North America, South America, Antarctica, Europe, and Australia have in common?

Living within continents.

There was a poem contest somewhere in Australia. The two finalists priest and a shepherd. For the final competition they both have to write a short poem that ends on Timbuktu.

The priest starts out with the following:

>I was a priest for all my life.
>
>I had no children and no wife.
>
>I read the bible through and through
>
>on my way to Timbuktu.

He received a good amount of applause, but in the end the sh...

Lockdown here in Australia is confusing.

I have no idea what’s open or closed anymore. I just walk up to the automatic doors and if my face hits the glass I just turn around and go home.

In Australia they use kangaroo broth to make

Marsoupial

What do you call a pineapple upside-down cake in Australia?

A pineapple cake

An American goes to Australia

And is attending a talk by Bush rangers while taking a wild tour about how it is very dangerous and you should always be on your watch. After the bit about how kangaroos are dangerous, he asks "Is there anywhere in Australia where something or someone isn't trying to kill you?"

"School"

Everyone thinks the capital city of Australia is Sydney.

It’s actually Vienna.

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How do Australians clean their butts?

Bidet, mate.

Abdul and his friend Mohammed are trying to migrate to australia as skilled workers.

They go to the Australian embassy in Lahore and start filling out the application.

Mohammed goes into an interview room with an embassy officer and they start discussing his work
Experience and whether he qualifies as skilled labor. ‘So what do you do, Mohammed?’ says the embassy worker. ...

German philosophy professor arrive to Australia

Professor: Today we'll study Kant

Student: Ok, mate, so what we will study?

Fun fact : Australia's biggest export is boomerangs.

It's also their biggest import.

What do you say to old people in Australia as a comeback?

ƃuɐɹǝɯooq 'ʞO

Who were the first people in Australia to have a 6 pack?

The Aboriginals

I just flew into Australia and, boy, are my arms...

confiscated.

What did Owen Wilson say when he got to Australia?

"MOM"

Welcome to Australia!

A British national travelling to Australia on holiday is stopped at customs after getting off the plane. There, the customs agent asks him, "business or pleasure?"

"Pleasure," he replies.

"Anything to declare?"

"Does jet lag count?" the Brit asks with a cheesy smile. The Aussie ...

Murder investigation Australia

When some one is killed by violence in Australia

the detectives have it easy, they just wait and see who the boomerang

comes back to.

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My buddy went to Australia and said he found a large piece of marsupial dung

What a quokka shit!

Why did Great Britain send male convicts to Australia?

To set up a penile colony!

It's 2021 in Australia

and they have no Covid cases at all. See, 2021 is already better.

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[Long NSFW] Oxford professor

An old Oxford professor is nearing retirement and decides that he wants to do something fun for once. He's spent his whole life researching scientific theories in his lab and wants to do something outside for a change, so he asks his assistant for a suggestion of something different to go and resear...

Time zones are very confusing. Like it's may 2 in australia, may 1 in europe

and 1954 in america

Timezones are crazy

Its May 2 in Australia and May 1 in America and still 1600 in the middle East.

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(NSFW) Two Iraqi's move to Australia and have a bet who can become the most Australian in a year.

A year later, they meet at the pub and the first Iraqi says "G'day mate! I woke up this morning and had a can of VB and pie and sauce for breakfast. Later on I'm gonna hook up the tinny to the fourby and go fishin with me mates! How's that for fucken Australian!!!"

The other Iraqi looks at h...

An American man is visiting Sydney Australia. Going around seeing all the sites.

Suddenly he is struck by a car, injuring him, and putting him into a coma for 24 hours. He wakes up in the hospital, dazed and disoriented, he just sees the all white room. He hears a voice, and asks the nurse, "Did I come here to die?"
She turns and flatly responds, "Nah mate, you came here yes...

In 1862, Australia implemented a telegraph system that stretched from south Australia to Indonesia and beyond. Effectively becoming Australia’s first internet.

And the speed of communication hasn’t changed since.

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there "isn't" something trying to kill you....

"School" is my answer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Australian goes to New Zealand

An Australian goes to New Zealand and sees a guy fucking a sheep on the side of the road and he says "mate, in Australia we sheer our sheep."

The New Zealand guy says "Fuck off, I'm not sheering her with anyone"

After the chess tournament in Australia was over, the champion still walked away empty-handed.

When the judges went to hand him the prize, they said "Here's your check, mate."

Two farmers are standing in a corn field looking up at a full moon. The first farmer exclaims: "what a clear night! Hey! What do you think is closer; the moon or Australia?"

The second farmer turns to the first. "What a stupid question. Can you SEE Australia?"

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)


\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

If you find gold in Australia where should you look for silver?

**Ag**stralia

Why did Australia pee their pants?

They were feeling incontinent.

I was applying for citizenship in Australia, and the interviewer asked, "Do you have a criminal background".

I replied, "No, is that still a requirement".

Well, a father and son from Germany went to a zoo in Australia

So upon arrival the little son pointed at the first animal he saw. Staring at a kangaroo he asked: "Daddy what is this animal called?"

"Well, my son, this animal lives especially in Australia and it's called a dangerou." answered dad.

The son looked around and saw a lion standing on a ...

Captain John McGrue was one of the most respected explorers

Born in England, he became known for his seafaring skills at a young age. At the age of 20, he heard the legends of the greatest drinks in the world, a quest many explorers had tried, but unfortunately none could complete the trip. McGrue was talked out of it by every friend, until at 28, already an...

What do you call a self-contradictory idiot from Australia?

An "Aussie-Moron"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tourist in Australia

A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the Outback. On his way he saw a guy having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest bar and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a guy with one leg masturbating furiously at the ba...

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Two friends from Australia were on a flight from Sydney to London

An hour into their flight the pilot makes an announcement:

Pilot: ladies and gentlemen I must inform you that one of our four engines have failed. Not to worry though, the plane can fly fine with three engines, it just means a half hour delay to our arrival time, our sincere apologise.
...

Chess was invented in Australia

Why else would they say Checkmate?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia, but unfortunately, I had to dial the help line. "G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"

I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know."

The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"

I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You'v...

What do Australia and The Spice Girls have in common?

The rest of us are trying our best but Victoria is ruining it for everyone.

Two men are playing chess in Australia

One guy asks "What's your ethnicity?"

As he knocks over the king, the other guy responds "Czech, mate"

Happy new year to everyone

Unless you're Australian, in which case ɹɐǝʎ ʍǝu ʎddɐH

Did you hear about my friend from Australia studying abroad in Korea?

I guess you could say he’s my Seoul mate.

Who is the most highly regarded musician in Australia?

Aussie Osbourne

Am I the only one to realise that,

if we all worked together to accelerate climate change, the melting polar ice caps would put out the bush fires in Australia?

I won a local area network from Australia

It’s a LAN down under

What do you get when you cross Australia with a kitchen appliance?

A frigeridoo

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An Elderly British Couple Takes a Trip to Australia

After seeing the beaches and tourist attractions they decided to rent a car to go and see the Outback. They ask the man at the rental car counter if it's a pleasant drive, and he assures them that it is beautiful and they'll have a lovely time.

After several hours the couple storm into the r...

Time zones are weird - Australia is in 2020. America is in 2019..

Des Moines is in 1998, Alabama in 1865, Saudi Arabia 1576.

Why do baked beans want to move to Queensland (Australia)

Because they all want to live in Cairns!

(a city in Queensland Australia, for non aussies)

We all know that Australia is full of ugly insects

But this "kill it with fire before it lays eggs" thing has gotten greatly out of hand...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.

The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. It concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. The...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A travelling man stops at a pub in regional Australia for lunch and a beer.

He walks in and spots a poster that says "Make my horse laugh and cry and get $1000!".

The man goes up the bartender to ask what this is about.

Bartender: "We have a horse in the stable behind the bar, and if you can make it laugh and cry then you'll get $1000. We've had so many people...

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A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game.

After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment. It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu". It is city in Africa.

The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:

"I was a father all my life,
I had no children...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Australian were hiking through some remote mountains.

The weather was oppressively hot when they saw this beautiful lake. They ran down to the lake, stripped off and swam in the wonderfully cool water.

Natives appeared on the shore and captured them and took them before the Chief.

"Lake is our most sacred site. You have violated sacred si...

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God is creating the world, and he talks to the canadians

He says to them “You will have the best land ever. It is beautiful, in the summer it is warm and in the winter it snows beautiful snow flakes. It is called Canada. You will have prosperity and food for all your days.”

He then gets the Australians, and says to them “I give to you Australia. Yo...

I knew a guy who worked in IT in Australia

I said "Do you come from a LAN Down Under?"

It would be confusing to be a chess player in Australia when you have some money to deposit.

Check, mate

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An American walks into a pub in Australia...

...says ''I'll have a bud light.'' The bartender replies ''You're an American, right?'' The guy says ''How did you know, was it the beer or my accent?'' To which the bartender replies ''Neither, you're the fattest fuck i've ever seen in my life.''

What’s the most common kind of tree in Australia?

Ash.

What do Australia and a redhead have in common?

Bushfire.

Ok, I'll see myself out.

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NSFW - I was on vacation in Australia with my girlfriend

And we were sunbathing on a nudist beach.

All of a sudden a hornet flew down and stung her right on her special area. It immediately swelled up and turned a rather nasty colour.

I immediately rang the Australian helpline for insect stings.

"G'Day mate, what seems to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am so constipated.

I have not taken a shit since 2020.

***HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM AUSTRALIA. MAY YOU ALL STAY HEALTHY AND SHIT WELL.***

░░░░░░░░░░░█▀▀░░█░░░░░░
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░░░░░░█░█░░░░░░░░░░▐░░░
░░░░░░▐▐░░░░░░░░░▄░▐░░░
░░░░░░█░░░░░░░░▄▀▀░▐░░░
░░░░▄▀░░░░░░░░▐░▄▄▀░░░░ ...

A woman is deciding between three suitors which one to be with. She says to the three men, "we are still young and inexperienced, go out there and travel around the world, we'll see when you come back."

So the first guy goes to Europe and tours the different countries there.

The second guy goes to Europe, then Asia, then Africa, then Australia and basically goes everywhere.

The third guy doesn't go anywhere.

6 months later they all meet up and the first guy says, "I went to all...

Why did the prime minister think that Australia was save from the virus?

They got new fire walls last year.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a guy in Australia with a small dick

A New Zealand tourist

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A multi-millionaire living in Darwin, Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors...

He also invited Brian, the only aborigine in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and oysters from the barbecue, and flirting.

Then at the height of the party, the millionair...

In Australia, we have the new financial assist schemes "JobSeeker" and "JobKeeper"

At least the unemployed get titles that sound like they are on a Quidditch team.

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A special talking koala was making his way from Australia to New York.

He wandered down a back alley one day and saw a sexy lady in heels and a short skirt smoking a cigarette.

She was shocked when he asked her for one of her cigarettes. "Omg you can talk?"

After talking she invited him inside and before she knew it he was up her skirt and performed cunni...

Timezones are so cool

Australia is in 2021


USA is in 2020


North Korea is in 1963

Tom Hanks and his wife are in Australia and won't be able to leave for some time.

It wouldn't be the first time he was stranded on an island with Wilson.

Credit to u/Im_a_little_unsteady

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin

& orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you ...

I read today that the Prime Minister of Australia receives in the mail, on average, two parcels each week that contain human excrement.

I wonder who's sending the other one?

My mom is stuck in Australia for the next month, so she called me

Boomer Rang

Thinking about taking a vacation in Australia.

I hear it's pretty lit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is it called when Australia join in during ww3?

A firefight

(All jokes aside go donate to help Australia what's going on is fucking terrible)

Australia's smartest man

An airplane was about to crash..

There were five passengers on board, but only four parachutes.

The first passenger said, “I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can’t afford to die.”

So he took the first parachute and left the plane.

The second pas...

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Rihanna was asked; "why do you think Chris Brown was denied a visa in Australia?"

She replied:


"Beats the hell outta me"

First visit to Australia

Ken: "What do you think of Australia so far?"

Barbie: "Get these damn shrimp off me!"

I thought the biggest fire this week was going to be in Australia.

But then I turned on the TV and watched Ricky Gervais burn all of Hollywood.

Scott Morrison rang the Queen...

..."Make Australia a Kingdom", he said, "and I'll be the king."

The Queen replied "I will make it a country, and you can stay what you are..."

Today is Boxing Day in the UK, Canada, New Zealand, and Australia. Do you know when Boxing Day is celebrated in the United States?

Black Friday

I tried contacting the aboriginals in Australia via smoke signal

But the line was always busy

I went to Australia and tried a Kangaroo beer

The taste was good but it was too hoppy for me.

Bob moved to Australia and started working as a train driver.

So he worked as a train driver. One day, he crashed the train and all the passengers died, so he was sentenced to death. On his last meal, Bob asked the guards for a banana. However when he was put onto the electric chair, the chair didn't work, so he got released.

So Bob was released, and co...

Australia

I nominate Australia for the ice bucket challenge!

What do you call a modern girl from Australia?

Barbie.

You must understand, to be a veterinarian in Australia

One must have the proper Koalafications

My girlfriend got mad at me when I invited her to afternoon tea by the Australia exhibit.

I don't understand. She said she wanted some koala teatime together.

Australia's doing great right now

they are on fire....wait

My friend called me from Australia

He said it was lit!




Please make sure to donate to the cause, every bit helps them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If the Great War was a bar fight

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recomm...

What is Jack from australia most hated question?

Are you hungry, Jack?

Australia

Was on holiday in Sydney and saw this bloke with a didgeridoo playing Dancing Queen. I thought, that's Abba-riginal

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between Australia and Hell?

Scott Morrison hasn’t managed to fuck up hell yet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

Two Irishmen are traveling to Australia.

Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie say...

If you mix australia and russia together

It creates the blyatypus

Did you guys hear about the kidnapping in Australia?

Dont worry, he woke up.

If there is a plastic island the size of Australia in the middle of the ocean,

Then we have nothing to worry about because Australia doesn’t exist

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