Is Great Britain the most pompous country?

Or is it Great Australia , or Great United States,or Great Canada, or Great India?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sheep shagging

An old Oxford professor is nearing retirement and decides that he wants to do something fun for once. He's spent his whole life researching scientific theories in his lab and wants to do something outside for a change, so he asks his assistant for a suggestion of something different to go and resear...

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zealand , is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone

"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."

PM: "Shut ...

So, I had a commanding officer from Australia

Of course I used this fact to make stereotypical jokes and stuff.
He seemed rather calm towards it.
But two weeks later I realised I'm only one who was transfered between different squads.
And they were:
Charlie;
Uniform;
November;
Tango.

People all over the world are freaking out when they find snakes in their car.

Here in Australia its pretty common, we just call them windscreen vipers.

An Irishman walks into a Dublin bar...

An Irishman walks into a Dublin bar, orders three pints of Guinness, and drinks them down, taking a sip from one, then a sip from the next, until they’re gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says, “You know, they’d be less likely to go flat if you bought them one at a time.”

The ma...

Not a joke but a real incident that happened to an indian acquaintance of mine when he moved to Australia for higher studies..

So he comes out of the airport and gets into the cab.

The Aussie cab driver asked where he is from ?

He replied 'India '.

The cab driver asked ' So did you come to die?'

He froze as it was the times when there were racial attacks by white Aussies on people of indian des...

What do you call an Alien born in Australia?

An Australien

Archangel Michael has just created a duck-goose with giant teeth and wants to show his magnificent creation to God.

He comes to God's presence and says: "look what beauty I made, I'm just not sure where to put it"
God thinks for a moment and says: "how about you put it in Australia with all the other nonsense you've created."

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The Three Stooges are spending the night in a haunted house... and get up to their usual eye-poking, nyuk-nyuking, slapstick shenanigans. In the middle of the pie fight, a poltergeist appears. Curly throws a cream pie and it turns around in midair and smacks him right in the face!

He turns to Moe and says, "Hey, I think that ghost must have been from Australia."
"Oh yeah, why?"
"Because it just threw a Boo-Meringue at me!"

Aunt Agony Advice Column

Dear Aunt Agony,

I have a romantic and loyal boyfriend, who loves me dearly. He isn't rich, but works hard at his job, and is trying to save enough to buy us a house, so that we can get married.

However, recently I met this wealthy old man who was visiting our country. He said he likes...

A man walks into an old pub in Dublin, takes a seat at the bar and orders 3 pints.

After he is served he takes sips from them in turn and when all 3 glasses are finally empty he orders 3 more. The barkeeper, who has been watching him, has never seen such a weird style of drinking and says to the man: “You know when you leave a beer for too long it goes flat, so they would taste be...

A teacher asks a student to "name two animals peculiar to Australia"

He responds with "The polar bear and penguin are peculiar to Australia, but the kangaroo and dingo live there."

What do you get if you cross Godzilla with a kangaroo

Big holes all over Australia

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn’t* something trying to kill you...

“School” is my answer

Fun fact: Australia's biggest export is boomerangs.

It's also their biggest import.

On their last day, a group of tourists traveling around Australia decide to go to a souvenir shop.

Everyone’s shopping for cool stuff until one lady stops and wonders why two absolutely identical wallets cost $100 and $1000 respectively. To which the owner replies, “They may look identical to you, Madam, but the 100-dollar wallet is made of crocodile skin, whereas the 1000-dollar one is made of c...

So this dude from Australia goes to England

He was about to cross the street when he almost got hit by a car.

The English driver yelled:
— Hey man, have you come here to die?

— No. I came here yesterday!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hit medley

I am no native English, so probably there is some lost in translation.

This is an old Russian joke that my five-year-old who survived WWII just made up.

The pope is traveling Australia. At a gas station, the owner, yells "check, mate" - his horse mayo neighs and the pope falls on his h...

I nicknamed my ex girlfriend Australia

Because she has lots of scary things in her bush.

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New Guy from Texas [Read till the end]

A middle-aged man from Texas moves to Australia and decides to get a temporary gig until his job placement is fixed. Luckily, not far from his residence there is one of those "one stop shop" stores, and he gets to be the cashier / salesman.

After the first day the boss came down to see how th...

There was a poem contest somewhere in Australia. The two finalists priest and a shepherd. For the final competition they both have to write a short poem that ends on Timbuktu.

The priest starts out with the following:

>I was a priest for all my life.
>
>I had no children and no wife.
>
>I read the bible through and through
>
>on my way to Timbuktu.

He received a good amount of applause, but in the end the sh...

What did Owen Wilson say when he got to Australia?

MOM

In Australia they use kangaroo broth to make

Marsoupial

What do you call a pineapple upside-down cake in Australia?

A pineapple cake

Am I the only one to realise that,

if we all worked together to accelerate climate change, the melting polar ice caps would put out the bush fires in Australia?

What do you say to old people in Australia as a comeback?

ƃuɐɹǝɯooq 'ʞO

I just flew into Australia and, boy, are my arms...

confiscated.

How do you tell the difference between yogurt and Australia?

If you leave yogurt in the sun for 250 years, it’ll develop culture.

What’s the one problem that everyone from Asia, Africa, North America, South America, Antarctica, Europe, and Australia have in common?

Living within continents.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Australian goes to New Zealand

An Australian goes to New Zealand and sees a guy fucking a sheep on the side of the road and he says "mate, in Australia we sheer our sheep."

The New Zealand guy says "Fuck off, I'm not sheering her with anyone"

Lockdown here in Australia is confusing.

I have no idea what’s open or closed anymore. I just walk up to the automatic doors and if my face hits the glass I just turn around and go home.

Captain John McGrue was one of the most respected explorers

Born in England, he became known for his seafaring skills at a young age. At the age of 20, he heard the legends of the greatest drinks in the world, a quest many explorers had tried, but unfortunately none could complete the trip. McGrue was talked out of it by every friend, until at 28, already an...

Everyone thinks the capital city of Australia is Sydney.

It’s actually Vienna.

Scott Morrison rang the Queen...

..."Make Australia a Kingdom", he said, "and I'll be the king."

The Queen replied "I will make it a country, and you can stay what you are..."

German philosophy professor arrive to Australia

Professor: Today we'll study Kant

Student: Ok, mate, so what we will study?

Murder investigation Australia

When some one is killed by violence in Australia

the detectives have it easy, they just wait and see who the boomerang

comes back to.

Why did Great Britain send male convicts to Australia?

To set up a penile colony!

It's 2021 in Australia

and they have no Covid cases at all. See, 2021 is already better.

Timezones are so cool

Australia is in 2021


USA is in 2020


North Korea is in 1963

Who were the first people in Australia to have a 6 pack?

The Aboriginals

21 Pilots

In 2016 during their tour,
21 Pilots performed in Brighton, Australia.
.
For that particular show,
For the entire show they sang their yet to be released songs.


Audience were enjoying at the beginning, by 1 hour mark they were demanding their hits to be performed.


...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) Two Iraqi's move to Australia and have a bet who can become the most Australian in a year.

A year later, they meet at the pub and the first Iraqi says "G'day mate! I woke up this morning and had a can of VB and pie and sauce for breakfast. Later on I'm gonna hook up the tinny to the fourby and go fishin with me mates! How's that for fucken Australian!!!"

The other Iraqi looks at h...

A British man is visiting Australia.

The man at customs asks him


"Do you have a criminal record?"


The British man replies


"I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.

There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have. wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.

The Texan immediate...

Abdul and his friend Mohammed are trying to migrate to australia as skilled workers.

They go to the Australian embassy in Lahore and start filling out the application.

Mohammed goes into an interview room with an embassy officer and they start discussing his work
Experience and whether he qualifies as skilled labor. ‘So what do you do, Mohammed?’ says the embassy worker. ...

In 1862, Australia implemented a telegraph system that stretched from south Australia to Indonesia and beyond. Effectively becoming Australia’s first internet.

And the speed of communication hasn’t changed since.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My buddy went to Australia and said he found a large piece of marsupial dung

What a quokka shit!

After the chess tournament in Australia was over, the champion still walked away empty-handed.

When the judges went to hand him the prize, they said "Here's your check, mate."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irishman walks into a pub.

An Irishman walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "What'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please." So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone.

He then orders three ...

Why is Australia like the Spice girls?

Because everyone is trying except Victoria.

An American man is visiting Sydney Australia. Going around seeing all the sites.

Suddenly he is struck by a car, injuring him, and putting him into a coma for 24 hours. He wakes up in the hospital, dazed and disoriented, he just sees the all white room. He hears a voice, and asks the nurse, "Did I come here to die?"
She turns and flatly responds, "Nah mate, you came here yes...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am so constipated.

I have not taken a shit since 2020.

***HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM AUSTRALIA. MAY YOU ALL STAY HEALTHY AND SHIT WELL.***

░░░░░░░░░░░█▀▀░░█░░░░░░
░░░░░░▄▀▀▀▀░░░░░█▄▄░░░░
░░░░░░█░█░░░░░░░░░░▐░░░
░░░░░░▐▐░░░░░░░░░▄░▐░░░
░░░░░░█░░░░░░░░▄▀▀░▐░░░
░░░░▄▀░░░░░░░░▐░▄▄▀░░░░ ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Australian were hiking through some remote mountains.

The weather was oppressively hot when they saw this beautiful lake. They ran down to the lake, stripped off and swam in the wonderfully cool water.

Natives appeared on the shore and captured them and took them before the Chief.

"Lake is our most sacred site. You have violated sacred si...

A woman is deciding between three suitors which one to be with. She says to the three men, "we are still young and inexperienced, go out there and travel around the world, we'll see when you come back."

So the first guy goes to Europe and tours the different countries there.

The second guy goes to Europe, then Asia, then Africa, then Australia and basically goes everywhere.

The third guy doesn't go anywhere.

6 months later they all meet up and the first guy says, "I went to all...

Welcome to Australia!

A British national travelling to Australia on holiday is stopped at customs after getting off the plane. There, the customs agent asks him, "business or pleasure?"

"Pleasure," he replies.

"Anything to declare?"

"Does jet lag count?" the Brit asks with a cheesy smile. The Aussie ...

Stand up acts anyone?

So, I was on a trip staying at a hostel. You know, budget travel.
I was in Australia, a small town, and I wake up needing to use the bathroom. The catch is it was 2:30 in the morning. And I would need to walk through an outdoor area to get there. So I decide to wait.

However, while waiting...

Why did Australia pee their pants?

They were feeling incontinent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If the Great War was a bar fight

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recomm...

Two farmers are standing in a corn field looking up at a full moon. The first farmer exclaims: "what a clear night! Hey! What do you think is closer; the moon or Australia?"

The second farmer turns to the first. "What a stupid question. Can you SEE Australia?"

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Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.

The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subje...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Australian tourist driving through New Zealand is shocked..

..to see a farmer openly having sex with one of his sheep.

He pulls up and says “that’s disgusting, mate. In Australia we shear our sheep”.

The Kiwi gives a wink and replies “Nah, bru. I’m not shearing her with you”.

The year 2020 began with Australia on fire and over a billion animals dead.

Little did we know then that it would be the feel good story of the year.

What do you call a self-contradictory idiot from Australia?

An "Aussie-Moron"

Australian immigration asks...

Friend of a friend was entering Australia, going through customs.

Them: “Have you ever been convicted of a felony?” Him: “I didn’t know it was still a requirement!”

They eventually did let him in, but they were clearly not happy with him.

An Irish man moves to a small town

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone. An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happ...

Did you hear about my friend from Australia studying abroad in Korea?

I guess you could say he’s my Seoul mate.

I won a local area network from Australia

It’s a LAN down under

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Idk where i heard it

A man flies to Australia, when he arrives the lady at the airport asks him if he has a criminal record, the man answers ''crap are those still required?''

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Aussie, the Yank and the Canadian were having a bullshit session on this cruise ship.

The Aussie said, “In Australia we have sheep that are so big they take all day to be shorn.”

The Yank said, “That’s nothing, in Texas our cattle are so big the steaks have to be turned with a fork lift.”

The Canadian said, “That’s nothing, we have women with pussies this big.” (He then...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got this from a friend, don’t judge

One day, Johnny came in late to class. His teacher asked him why he was late, and he said that he was on Blueberry Hill.

The next day, Tommy came in late to class. His teacher asked him why he was late, and he said that he was on Blueberry Hill. The teacher thinks that is a weird coincidence....

I was watching Australian Master Chef last night...

Some guy made a meringue and everybody cheered...

I thought... That's odd, normaly in Australia they boo meringue

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TIL That New Zealand Decided Against Naming their Badminton Team the "Black Cocks."

Meanwhile no one in Australia batted an eye when their badminton team chose to be called the "Black Hunts."

Well, a father and son from Germany went to a zoo in Australia

So upon arrival the little son pointed at the first animal he saw. Staring at a kangaroo he asked: "Daddy what is this animal called?"

"Well, my son, this animal lives especially in Australia and it's called a dangerou." answered dad.

The son looked around and saw a lion standing on a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

Chess was invented in Australia

Why else would they say Checkmate?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tourist in Australia

A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the Outback. On his way he saw a guy having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest bar and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a guy with one leg masturbating furiously at the ba...

Why do baked beans want to move to Queensland (Australia)

Because they all want to live in Cairns!

(a city in Queensland Australia, for non aussies)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two friends from Australia were on a flight from Sydney to London

An hour into their flight the pilot makes an announcement:

Pilot: ladies and gentlemen I must inform you that one of our four engines have failed. Not to worry though, the plane can fly fine with three engines, it just means a half hour delay to our arrival time, our sincere apologise.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A travelling man stops at a pub in regional Australia for lunch and a beer.

He walks in and spots a poster that says "Make my horse laugh and cry and get $1000!".

The man goes up the bartender to ask what this is about.

Bartender: "We have a horse in the stable behind the bar, and if you can make it laugh and cry then you'll get $1000. We've had so many people...

Who is the most highly regarded musician in Australia?

Aussie Osbourne

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game.

After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment. It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu". It is city in Africa.

The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:

"I was a father all my life,
I had no children...

I am taking a surprise visit to my girl in Australia

She doesn't know I'm going down under

Accent humour, mate!

It's the year 2022, WWIII has started. 1st world countries vs 2nd world countries and Middle East. Britain asks for reinforcement from Australia. The Australian regiment arrives and next morning starts preparing while the British Commander enters and starts increasing the army's morale:

Briti...

Time zones are very confusing. Like it's may 2 in australia, may 1 in europe

and 1954 in america

An Irish lad just graduating school embarks on his career in business.

Found employment in a nice village. Being a bit of an introvert, took him a few months to venture into the local pub. Asked the bartender for 3 pints, and he took them back into a dark corner table, drank the 3 and left. After a few days, when he ordered his usual 3, the barkeep said "Ya know lad, I...

Why did the British

Why did the British send the criminals to Australia and the Puritans to America?



Australia had first choice.

Here my attempt to translate a Dutch joke in English

2 blond girls meet up. The first girl asks the other: "which is further away, the moon or Australia?" The other things about this long and hard and comes back with her answer after an hour: "the moon is closer, definitely the moon." "How come?" asks the first girl. "Well," says the other "we can see...

Two men are playing chess in Australia

One guy asks "What's your ethnicity?"

As he knocks over the king, the other guy responds "Czech, mate"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God is creating the world, and he talks to the canadians

He says to them “You will have the best land ever. It is beautiful, in the summer it is warm and in the winter it snows beautiful snow flakes. It is called Canada. You will have prosperity and food for all your days.”

He then gets the Australians, and says to them “I give to you Australia. Yo...

I was applying for citizenship in Australia, and the interviewer asked, "Do you have a criminal background".

I replied, "No, is that still a requirement".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a guy in Australia with a small dick

A New Zealand tourist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After weeks of preparation, I was ready to begin my trip across the world to Sydney.

I prepared my luggage, boarded the plane, and after 17 hours I was in Australia. I rented a car, drove a while, and at long last I saw a sign that said "SYDNEY LEFT". "Well shit," I said, so I packed up my stuff and went back home.

In Australia, we have the new financial assist schemes "JobSeeker" and "JobKeeper"

At least the unemployed get titles that sound like they are on a Quidditch team.

How do you say: “Grandma called!” in Australia

Boomer Rang

Year 2020: A happening year

1. The WW3 is avoided
2. Australia finally stops burning.
3. 55K+ people died worldwide due to Coronavirus with superclean a\*\*holes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm a bit cross

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, level may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”

The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when t...

I met a man from Australia who worked in IT...

I asked him "Do you come from a LAN down under"?

I’m tired of people saying bears are like humans and that’s why you should care about the polar icecaps melting.

If bears were like humans they would be fine. The polar bears would steal land from the grizzly bears, have all the panda bears build them railroads. Send all the koala bears to Australia, all the gummy bears to San Francisco they’ll be fine. They’re start a country called Bearica and have a half bl...

Why did the prime minister think that Australia was save from the virus?

They got new fire walls last year.

At 18 a woman is like Africa

At 18 a woman is like Africa, wild and untamed.

At 28 a woman is like Asia, exotic and beautiful.

At 38 a woman is like America, flourishing and in the prime of life.

At 48 a woman is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.

At 58 a woman is like Austra...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A special talking koala was making his way from Australia to New York.

He wandered down a back alley one day and saw a sexy lady in heels and a short skirt smoking a cigarette.

She was shocked when he asked her for one of her cigarettes. "Omg you can talk?"

After talking she invited him inside and before she knew it he was up her skirt and performed cunni...

You see each country has its own currency

In the US they have the dollar

In the UK they have the pound

In the EU they have the euro

In Australia they have toilet paper

There once was an Irishman named Paddy who was a regular at his local pub

Every day he would come in and order himself 3 pints, “one of me brother Seamus in America, one for me brother Liam in Australia, and one for me.”

One day Paddy came into the pub and ordered two pints instead of the normal 3. The pub went quiet and everyone turned solemn. The bartender slow...

I really think reddit was onto the sinister powers that run the world with the whole Epstein thing

I mean, they burned down half of Australia, almost started a world war, invented a new virus... just to distract us

[edit] : of course this post will be buried. And we know who did that. No way it will be because my jokes are lame.

a spider a snake and a kangaroo walked into a bar

it was a normal day in australia

A shark, crocodile, and a giant spider walk into a bar

There’s no punchline, it’s just a normal day in Australia

Australia's doing great right now

they are on fire....wait

My friend called me from Australia

He said it was lit!




Please make sure to donate to the cause, every bit helps them.

I tried contacting the aboriginals in Australia via smoke signal

But the line was always busy

So I heard Australia just ordered a mass cull of over 5000 camels yesterday...

Wouldn't be the first time a drunk Aussie polished off a pack of camels in an afternoon.

I applied to fight the Australian forest fires...

They said I was overkoalafied. (If you enjoyed this, please donate to Australia. Thank you)

What’s the most common kind of tree in Australia?

Ash.

What do Australia and a redhead have in common?

Bushfire.

Ok, I'll see myself out.

My girlfriend got mad at me when I invited her to afternoon tea by the Australia exhibit.

I don't understand. She said she wanted some koala teatime together.

Thinking about taking a vacation in Australia.

I hear it's pretty lit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between Australia and Hell?

Scott Morrison hasn’t managed to fuck up hell yet.

Australia

I nominate Australia for the ice bucket challenge!

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