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Australia Jokes

It had to be Australia

A gecko lizard is walking through the Australian bush, heading toward the river for a drink.

On his walk he comes across a koala sitting in a gum tree, smoking a joint and stops for a chat.

"Gidday, mate. What are you doing?"

The koala replies, "Smoking a joint, come up and join...

When I visited Australia, the immigration officer asked me if I had a criminal record…

Confused, I replied, “Oh, is that still required?”

A British man is visiting Australia.

The man at customs asks him
"Do you have a criminal record?"
The British man replies
"I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I went on our honyemoon to Australia...

Unfortunately, I had to dial the help line.

"G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"

I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....y...

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An American walks into a pub in Australia...

...says ''I'll have a bud light.'' The bartender replies ''You're an American, right?'' The guy says ''How did you know, was it the beer or my accent?'' To which the bartender replies ''Neither, you're the fattest fuck i've ever seen in my life.''

An American tourist in Australia got hit by a car.

He woke up in a hospital with a doctor standing over him.

He asked the doctor, "Did I come here to die?"

The doctor replied, "Nah, mate, you came here yesterday."

If you find gold in Australia where should you look for silver?

**Ag**stralia

As an Aussie, Americans always ask me where in Australia *isn’t* there anything trying to kill me…

“School” I tell them.

Fun fact: Australia's biggest export is boomerangs.

It's also their biggest import.

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One from Australia for you…

The Mrs and I had a huge bust up. She screamed at me to pack my bags and GTFO.

I was all packed up and about to get out the door when she said "I wish you a long and painful death, you bastard!"

"So, what? You want me to stay now?" I replied.

Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia on a Mastercard?

Because his Visa didn't work!

Australia's smartest man

An airplane was about to crash..

There were five passengers on board, but only four parachutes.

The first passenger said, “I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can’t afford to die.”

So he took the first parachute and left the plane.

The second pas...

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Why wasn’t Jesus born in modern day Australia?

Because God wouldn’t be able to find find 3 wise men or a virgin.

Why did Australia get all the criminals while America got all the puritans?

>!Because Australia won the coin toss!<

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)


\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

What happens if you commit a crime in Australia?

Oh please, they're a modern country. You go to jail unless you are a politician.

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Siamese twins walk into a bar in Australia...

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Australia and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Fosters beers, draft please."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pour...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rihanna was asked; "why do you think Chris Brown was denied a visa in Australia?"

She replied:


"Beats the hell outta me"

I wanted to visit Australia

So I went to the embassy to get a visa.

The woman behind the counter asked if I'd been convicted of a crime.

I told her I didn't know that was still necessary.

Our new IT guy moved here from Australia...

He comes from a LAN down under.

Did you hear that the next season of Stranger Things will be shot in Australia?

The kids have to defeat a monster from the Right Way Up.

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An Australian goes to new Zealand

An Australian goes to new Zealand and sees a guy fucking a sheep on the side of the road, he says mate, in Australia we sheer our sheep. The new Zealand guy says, fuck off, I'm not sheering her with anyone.

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NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

Not a joke but a real incident that happened to an indian acquaintance of mine when he moved to Australia for higher studies..

So he comes out of the airport and gets into the cab.

The Aussie cab driver asked where he is from ?

He replied 'India '.

The cab driver asked ' So did you come to die?'

He froze as it was the times when there were racial attacks by white Aussies on people of indian des...

Patrick was having a vacation in Australia

and couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls....So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.

Mate, it's obvious,' says the lifeguard, you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style.

Your best bet is to grab you...

What did Owen Wilson say when he got to Australia?

"MOM"

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DIARY of a POMMIE EXPAT in AUSTRALIA

August 31

Just got transferred with work from grey old London to our new home in Newman, Western Australia. Now this is a town that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally...

TIL: A thousand years ago, the boomerang was Australia’s chief export…

…And import.

For Americans - let me break down today's Glenn Maxwell cricket innings from Australia

Australia is a country and a continent.

Why do so many Kiwis move to Australia?

To improve the gene pool of both countries

Gordon Ramsay goes to Australia and whips up a lemon meringue pie.

The whole audience cheers! “That's strange," he says. “I thought Australians usually boo meringue."

Why is Australia so wet?

The entire country is in continent

Did you hear that fruit will never travel to Australia?

Yeah! Fruit won't, but veggie might!

It's so cold here in Australia

I saw a group of politicians with their hands in their own pockets!

Australia denied entry to Djokovic, they were like...

"Novak seen, No Entry"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW - I was on vacation in Australia with my girlfriend

And we were sunbathing on a nudist beach.

All of a sudden a hornet flew down and stung her right on her special area. It immediately swelled up and turned a rather nasty colour.

I immediately rang the Australian helpline for insect stings.

"G'Day mate, what seems to...

In Australia

People are already breaking their New Year's Resolutions

Time zones are very confusing. Like it's may 2 in australia, may 1 in europe

and 1954 in america

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

That is what we sell to Australia

An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said,

\- "...

A British man is visiting Australia for vacation.

The passport lady at Australian customs asks him, "Have you been convicted of any crimes in the past?"

The Brit replies by asking, "Is it still a requirement?"

What do you call a female thief in Australia?

A Steala

Sad news from Australia

The inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a pub in outback Australia and orders a drink

The barman asks him if he wants to have a go at the challenge. The man says what do I have to do. The barman says there’s three parts to the challenge.

Part 1: you have to drink this entire bottle of 200yr old whiskey and keep standing.

Part 2: there is a 20ft crocodile out the back wi...

400 years ago, England sent their criminals to Australia and puritans to America

Sounds like Australia got the better deal

People asked me if it rains upside down in Australia.

I said: "Yes, but down here, we call it evaporation."

What does Australia and Atlantis have in common?

They both live down under

My dad called me yesterday to say that he's returning from his trip to Australia.

The boomer rang

What do you call a Namekian from Australia?

Crocodile Dende

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tourist told me that Australia is so far away it must be the arse end of the world

I asked him if he was just passing through...

How can you tell when a jet landing in Australia is from England?

When the engines are turned off the whining continues.

Bob moved to Australia and started working as a train driver.

So he worked as a train driver. One day, he crashed the train and all the passengers died, so he was sentenced to death. On his last meal, Bob asked the guards for a banana. However when he was put onto the electric chair, the chair didn't work, so he got released.

So Bob was released, and co...

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.

There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have. wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.

The Texan immediate...

I don't understand time zones!

How is it possible that in Europe it is today.
In Australia it is tomorrow.
And in Alabama it is 1890?

In 1862, Australia implemented a telegraph system that stretched from south Australia to Indonesia and beyond. Effectively becoming Australia’s first internet.

And the speed of communication hasn’t changed since.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two friends/tourists were hiking in Australia

They were camping in a trailer and agreed to explore the country on their own, but always return to the trailer at 11 pm.

One day, one friend had already reached the trailer, but the other one was nowhere to be seen. The one who arrived waited and waited and suddenly, at 4 am, his friend arr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW/Slightly Offensive] What is the best thing about having sex with a Transvestite?

Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.

*This is my first post here, and I hope I didn't offend anyone too much. I heard this joke in a pub in central Australia and found it way to funny.*

Novak Djokovic has been deported from Australia

Truly the greatest returner of all time

Australia said: "No one can come without vaccination".

Djokovic understood: "No 1 can come without vaccination".

Animals in Australia

There are 2 kinds of animals in Australia:

* Those that want to eat you
* Sheeps

Lockdown here in Australia is confusing.

I have no idea what’s open or closed anymore. I just walk up to the automatic doors and if my face hits the glass I just turn around and go home.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a jerk from Australia?

An Oz hole

This Halloween I'm being the Australia rugby team

I'm not dressing up I'm just going out early

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