I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”

I said, “No. Is that still required?”

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there "isn't" something trying to kill you....

"School" is my answer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia, but unfortunately, I had to dial the help line. "G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"

I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know."

The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"

I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You'v...

If you find gold in Australia where should you look for silver?

**Ag**stralia

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Australian, are hiking through the South American jungle

When all of sudden, they see a crystal clear pool at the foot of a mountain. They're all hot and tired, so naturally, they strip off and jump in, and to their surprise, that are captured by natives. They are brought in front of the chief and told that the pool is sacred. He tells them that they are ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is Ellen’s favourite thing about Australia?

The Vagemite.

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.

There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,
"Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large". 

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, <...

I was in Australia last month and saw a guy on the street playing Dancing Queen on a Didgeridoo...

It was very ABBA-riginal!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A multi-millionaire living in Darwin, Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors...

He also invited Brian, the only aborigine in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and oysters from the barbecue, and flirting.

Then at the height of the party, the millionair...

Bob moved to Australia and started working as a train driver.

So he worked as a train driver. One day, he crashed the train and all the passengers died, so he was sentenced to death. On his last meal, Bob asked the guards for a banana. However when he was put onto the electric chair, the chair didn't work, so he got released.

So Bob was released, and co...

What do chess and eating at a restaurant in Australia have in common?

They both end with a check mate

Australia’s #1 export right now is boomerangs.

Also their #1 import.

Why do Australians call each other mates?

They got tired of saying "inmates".

The British wardens got tired of saying "Go die, inmate" and it got shortened to "G'day mate".

TIL I’m slightly less concerned if the world ends tomorrow

It’s already tomorrow in Australia

An American tourist in Australia was in an accident.

The next day he woke up in the hospital and asked, "Did you bring me here to die?"

The orderly said, "No, mate, we brought you here yesterday."

I read today that the Prime Minister of Australia receives in the mail, on average, two parcels each week that contain human excrement.

I wonder who's sending the other one?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game...

After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment: Write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu". It is a city in Africa.

After the three minutes had passed, the priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:



"I was a...

Australia sends a rep to Germany...

..to inspect their latest renewable energy projects. They spend days touring wind and solar farms and talking through all the latest innovations.

At the end of the trip they ask the rep what he thinks of the facilities and the push for renewables. The rep sighs with envy and says, "Ahh, look ...

Based on a True Story: A breeding pair of crocodiles ate two European tourists in Australia

This actually happened back when I was a kid in the 90's: A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and consumed by a pair of crocodiles in Australia. The female ate the Frenchman.

The Czech was in the male.

A kangaroo is jumping around in Australia

When ever she stops a little penguin pocks his head out of her pouch.

In Antarctica a little kangaroo is sitting with some penguins, sneezing and grumbling: Fucx this student exchange program!

What would you call Australia if it were only colonized by men?

A penile colony.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man from New Zealand was showing his friend from Australia the countryside

After a couple of hours of driving they come across a sheep with its head stuck in the fence, the Kiwi man being the sheepshagger he is gets to work and quickly finishes.
The Aussie overcomes his shock and laughs to the Kiwi

“Hah, mind if I have a go mate?”

“Yeah man go hard” resp...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy who has spent his whole life in the outback of Australia decides he wants a change in his life, so he moves to the city.

He arrives in Sydney, and the first thing he does is looks for a job. He goes to the biggest department store downtown and applies for a job. The HR rep asks him if he has any experience in sales. So the guy says 'yea I was considered one of the best salesmen out Bush'. The rep isn't amused. 'This ...

What is the accepted currency in Australia?

Outbucks.

On my recent trip to Australia, I made the mistake of buying a boomerang with teeth.

Sure enough, it came back to bite me in the ass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Australia should hire WWE wrestlers to enforce sentencing on convicted sex offenders.

That way we can have Undertaker and Mankind throw Pell in a cell.

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However...

If there is a plastic island the size of Australia in the middle of the ocean,

Then we have nothing to worry about because Australia doesn’t exist

NSFW - I was on vacation in Australia with my girlfriend

And we were sunbathing on a nudist beach.

All of a sudden a hornet flew down and stung her right on her special area. It immediately swelled up and turned a rather nasty colour.

I immediately rang the Australian helpline for insect stings.

"G'Day mate, what seems to...

A British man is visiting Australia.

The man at customs asks him
"Do you have a criminal record?"
The British man replies
"I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American walks into a pub in Australia...

...says ''I'll have a bud light.'' The bartender replies ''You're an American, right?'' The guy says ''How did you know, was it the beer or my accent?'' To which the bartender replies ''Neither, you're the fattest fuck i've ever seen in my life.''

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

DIARY OF A POM IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA

August 31
Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha , Western Australia .
Now this is a town that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings.
I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday.
It was beautiful.
I've fi...

America has a big apple, Australia has a big banana, but I think Indonesia beats them all.

They have a big wave.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Americans, Frank and Joe, are on vacation in Australia...

It's their last day there and they have a few hours to kill between checking out of the hotel and getting to the airport for their flight. Frank says, "Listen, Joe, I heard about this great new act at a strip club that's on the way to the airport. A really hot Korean girl, Augusta Kwon, she's visiti...

In Australia, a license is required to own an assault rifle.

And yet they do not require a license to own assault shaker.

Did you know that in Australia they don’t call their parents mom and dad...

...they call them wow and pep.

I went to Australia house today to apply for a visa...

The woman at the counter said “everything looks good but I have to check if you have a criminal record”

I replied “Oh I didn’t know you still needed one”

Did you hear about the guy who got kidnapped and held in Australia?

His whole world was turned upside down.

An american has a heart attack while on vacation in Australia...

After he comes to in the hospital, the nurse walks in and the man, still confused, asks:

“Did you bring me here to die?”

The nurse replies:

“Nah Mate, they brought you in yesterday”

What's the difference between an Australian and a pot of yogurt?

Leave a pot of yogurt in the sun for 200 years and it develops a culture.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Australians don’t have sex

Australians mate

An American pilot is flying a small plane across Australia.

He crashes in the Outback and is knocked unconscious. When he comes to, he's in a hospital with a nurse standing over him. Still groggy and pretty much out of it, he asks "Did you bring me here to die?" Nurse says "Nah, ya got here yesta die."

Did you know that the boomerang is Australia's biggest export?

It's also their biggest import.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How long has HIV been in Australia?

For dick AIDS.

Australia's smartest man

An airplane was about to crash..

There were five passengers on board, but only four parachutes.

The first passenger said, “I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can’t afford to die.”

So he took the first parachute and left the plane.

The second pas...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Alerts to threats in Europe

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 194...

A British tourist visits Australia. The customs officer asks him “do you have any criminal history?”

The tourist replies, “I didn’t know that was still required!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was Jesus not born in Australia?

Because God could not find three wise men and a virgin.

Two men are traveling to Australia....

Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the two men catch a cab to their hotel.
When they reach their destination, the cabbie s...

How is it called in Australia, when they need to restart the song from the beginning at the club?

A DJ redo.

"Dad, I don't wanna move to Australia"

Dad: "Shut up and keep rowing"

A blond American woman travels to Australia...

To meet her boyfriend. They go out on a date and he decides to take her out to a restaurant.

They have a good time and are finished eating, so the guy calls for the bill.

The woman suddenly says "Wait -- when did we start a game of chess? And how did you win so quickly?"

People make fun of Australia for declaring war on emus and losing

But it's not nearly as embarrassing as the US declaring war on plants and losing.

Everything in Australia can kill you

Except for one thing, an assault rifle

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Best country in the world

An American, Chinese man, Englishman and Australian are sitting at a bar, arguing who has the best country in the world.

American: Sorry partners but we've got the best country in the world because we've got the greenest grass.

Chinese man: I don't about you three but we've got the bes...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A British man moved abroad to live on a ranch in Australia

He had been over there for a few weeks on his own before he started to feel quite lonely. Peering out of his window he couldn't see a single soul for miles around, just a single dirt road creeping through the rolling landscape.

One day the telephone rang, he answered
"Hello?" he said sheep...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A newly wed couple are off on their honeymoon in Australia

They were out swimming in the sea when all of a sudden, a jelly fish stung the wife in the vagina. They quickly went to the hospital and the doctor said "it looks like you will be okay but due to the swelling you won't be able to have sex for at least a couple of weeks." The couple were so disappoin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American and his wife are on a trip to australia.

They're driving down the outback when the man sees a person fucking a kangaroo.

"that's disgusting" he says to his wife.

after another couple miles he sees ANOTHER man fucking a kangaroo.

"that's it, we're going to the police."

he drives to the police station where he see...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Australia just banned all plastic bags, yay for the environment

Oh shit I thought this was r/recycling

A criminal sets up a small souvenir shop in Australia selling glass Kangaroos as a front for his drug smuggling business

The detective working the case walks in and says
"I can see straight through your roos mate"

Did you know that "boo" means "return" in Australia?

That's because when you throw a normal meringue, it doesn't come back.

Sad news from Australia

The inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

What did the sterile australian say to his wife that wanted kids

Im afraid i cant mate

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kiwi man was in Australia for the Bledisloe Cup when he began to experience testicular pain..

So he went to see an Australian doctor and get some tests done.

Dr: "Your results are back sir and unfortunately they are not good. We are going to have to remove your testicles".

Kiwi: "Awwww no way bru! I'm going to git a sicond opinion!"

So the kiwi finds another Aussie docto...

A few hundred years ago, the boomerang was Australia’s only export.

And import.

A British man is visiting Australia for vacation.

The passport lady at Australian customs asks him, "Have you been convicted of any crimes in the past?"

The Brit replies by asking, "Is it still a requirement?"

I can't believe someone in Australia is remaking Eminem's movie '8 Mile'

They're calling it 12.8748km

Ever wondered why Australia is never in front of you?

Because it's out back

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rihanna was asked; "why do you think Chris Brown was denied a visa in Australia?"

She replied:


"Beats the hell outta me"

A Tourist is Trudging Through Australia's Desert

A tourist is trudging through Australia’s Great Victoria Desert. …

He’s completely lost, and he’s quickly running out of water. His vision is rather impaired, and he can tell that he’s only got a few more hours before he’ll pass out.

Suddenly, he accidentally steps on a rattlesnake! Be...

The new IT guy at my company is from Australia.

He comes from a LAN down under.

Of all 7 continents why is Australia considered the biggest pimp?

Because it's surrounded by beaches.

When England settled her colonies how come America got Christian zealots and Australia got convicts?

Australia got first pick.

A bad uber driver drove from New Zealand to Australia.

He got two stars.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bartering Australian style

This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of VB beer cheap at the local supermarket.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home.
I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

S...

I'm going to apply for the job as Australia's next cricket captain.

I've been ball tampering for years and never got caught.

I don't understand time zones!

How is it possible that in Europe it is today.
In Australia it is tomorrow.
And in Alabama it is 1890?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Australia sensation

So, this guy from Europe was working in Australia for a few months and one day as he finishes his work he decided to go to the bordel. He was far from home, far from his wife, so he thought to himself "well, my wife will never know if I fuck a hooker here". So, there he is in this bordel and he goes...

How do they say “Happy New Years” in Australia?

sɹɐǝ⅄ ʍǝN ʎddɐH

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A friendly joke from us in Australia

We were walking past the local community centre in our town when we saw a window licker, or 'mong' if you will.

Fucking funniest thing we ever saw.

"Fucktard", shouted one of my mates. We all laughed.

"Bed soiler", shouted Jack, the joker of the pack. We laughed even harder.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Prince Charles goes to Australia

On the last occasion that Prince Charles visited Australia, he attended a function at Wagga Wagga, where he was met by various dignitaries, including the Mayor of Wagga Wagga. Whilst having a cocktail, the Mayor said to the Prince “Your Highness, it’s quite a hot day and yet you have chosen an unusu...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.