As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there "isn't" something trying to kill you....

"School" is my answer.

I was applying for the Australia Visa. And the interviewer asked

Interviewer: Sir, do you have a criminal record?


My dumbass: No, is that still required?

First visit to Australia

Ken: "What do you think of Australia so far?"

Barbie: "Get these damn shrimp off me!"

If you find gold in Australia, where should you look for silver?

Agstralia

It would be confusing to be a chess player in Australia when you have some money to deposit.

Check, mate

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An Elderly British Couple Takes a Trip to Australia

After seeing the beaches and tourist attractions they decided to rent a car to go and see the Outback. They ask the man at the rental car counter if it's a pleasant drive, and he assures them that it is beautiful and they'll have a lovely time.

After several hours the couple storm into the r...

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What is Ellen’s favourite thing about Australia?

The Vagemite.

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.

There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,
"Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large". 

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, <...

Bob moved to Australia and started working as a train driver.

So he worked as a train driver. One day, he crashed the train and all the passengers died, so he was sentenced to death. On his last meal, Bob asked the guards for a banana. However when he was put onto the electric chair, the chair didn't work, so he got released.

So Bob was released, and co...

Two very stupid students are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: “You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They’ll rob you blind. Don’t you go paying them what they ask. You haggle.”

At Sydney airport, the students catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, “That’ll be twenty dollars, lads.”

“Oh no you don’t! My dad warned me about you. You’ll only be getting fifteen dollars from me,” says one of the students. “And you’ll only be gett...

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A man walks into a bar in outback Australia and there is a huge crocodile in the middle of the floor

He moves to the bar and asks the barman if it's safe to have the crocodile in the bar and the barman assures him it's safe and wouldn't hurt anyone. The guy is unsure and so the barman goes watch this and he opens the crocodiles mouth and puts his arm in, the croc doesn't move. The guys is still not...

This Halloween I'm being the Australia rugby team

I'm not dressing up I'm just going out early

Australia

Was on holiday in Sydney and saw this bloke with a didgeridoo playing Dancing Queen. I thought, that's Abba-riginal

A normal Winter day in Australia

Son: Dad, I'm cold.

Dad: Go stand in a corner.

Son: Why?

Dad: Because it's 90 degrees there.

I went to Australia and tried a Kangaroo beer

The taste was good but it was too hoppy for me.

The boomerang is Australias' biggest export.

...and import.

My Nan has just been on the phone to say she's not returning from Australia because of all the ungrateful, useless kids back at home.

Boomer-rang doesnt come back

You must understand, to be a veterinarian in Australia

One must have the proper Koalafications

If you find gold in Australia where should you look for silver?

**Ag**stralia

If you mix australia and russia together

It creates the blyatypus

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Why the head of the penis is larger than the shaft.

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a mans' penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure d...

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What do you call a jerk from Australia?

An Oz hole

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NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

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WW1 as a bar fight...

Serbia is walking across the bar with a beer in his hand. He bumps into Austria, and spills some beer on his pant leg. Austria is furious, and demands Serbia pay for an entire suit. Serbia can't afford this, so he offers to pay for the dry cleaning.

They argue, Russia tells Austria to back o...

Why are there so many vampire stories, but only in Europe, the Americas, Antarctica, and Asia?

Because vampires die if they touch holy water, and they bless the rains down in Africa.

NSFW - I was on vacation in Australia with my girlfriend

And we were sunbathing on a nudist beach.

All of a sudden a hornet flew down and stung her right on her special area. It immediately swelled up and turned a rather nasty colour.

I immediately rang the Australian helpline for insect stings.

"G'Day mate, what seems to...

Anybody heard about the kidnapping in Sydney, Australia ?

Yeah he woke up.

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it.

"It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each...

I read today that the Prime Minister of Australia receives in the mail, on average, two parcels each week that contain human excrement.

I wonder who's sending the other one?

Did you guys hear about the kidnapping in Australia?

Dont worry, he woke up.

A kangaroo is jumping around in Australia

When ever she stops a little penguin pocks his head out of her pouch.

In Antarctica a little kangaroo is sitting with some penguins, sneezing and grumbling: Fucx this student exchange program!

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My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia, but unfortunately, I had to dial the help line. "G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"

I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know."

The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"

I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You'v...

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A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game...

After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment: Write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu". It is a city in Africa.

After the three minutes had passed, the priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:



"I was a...

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Geography of a woman

Between the ages of 15-18, a woman is like China. Developing at a sizzling rate with a lot of potential but as yet still not free or open.Between the ages of 18-21, a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful. Between the ages of 21-30, a woman is l...

I don't understand time zones!

How is it possible that in Europe it is today.
In Australia it is tomorrow.
And in Alabama it is 1890?

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Ask Your Mother

A mother and her young son were flying on Virgin Australia, from Brisbane to Melbourne. The son turned to his mother and asked: “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?”
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the f...

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A multi-millionaire living in Darwin, Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

He also invited Brian, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and oysters from the barbecue, and flirting.

Then at the height of the party, the millionai...

Based on a True Story: A breeding pair of crocodiles ate two European tourists in Australia

This actually happened back when I was a kid in the 90's: A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and consumed by a pair of crocodiles in Australia. The female ate the Frenchman.

The Czech was in the male.

If there is a plastic island the size of Australia in the middle of the ocean,

Then we have nothing to worry about because Australia doesn’t exist

What’s a redneck with a British accent called?

An Australian

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An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Australian, are hiking through the South American jungle

When all of sudden, they see a crystal clear pool at the foot of a mountain. They're all hot and tired, so naturally, they strip off and jump in, and to their surprise, that are captured by natives. They are brought in front of the chief and told that the pool is sacred. He tells them that they are ...

A chess champion and an Australian man were playing a game of chess at a fancy restaurant.

(My dad told me this one, not sure if it’s OG but hey it’s worth a shot)

A chess master wanted to go back to playing casual matches, he also invited his old friend who was from Australia to play at a local restaurant.

The man is surprised his friend is holding out amazingly well, and a...

What would you call Australia if it were only colonized by men?

A penile colony.

Australia sends a rep to Germany...

..to inspect their latest renewable energy projects. They spend days touring wind and solar farms and talking through all the latest innovations.

At the end of the trip they ask the rep what he thinks of the facilities and the push for renewables. The rep sighs with envy and says, "Ahh, look ...

An international conference was held to decide what the most annoying musical instrument was.

After intense debate, a shortlist of instruments was created, consisting of the bagpipes, didgeridoo, and vuvuzela, but before a vote was held it was decided that the exact origin of each instrument had to be accounted accounted for beyond any doubt.

The didgeridoo's origin was easily proven,...

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A guy who has spent his whole life in the outback of Australia decides he wants a change in his life, so he moves to the city.

He arrives in Sydney, and the first thing he does is looks for a job. He goes to the biggest department store downtown and applies for a job. The HR rep asks him if he has any experience in sales. So the guy says 'yea I was considered one of the best salesmen out Bush'. The rep isn't amused. 'This ...

An American pilot is flying a small plane across Australia.

He crashes in the Outback and is knocked unconscious. When he comes to, he's in a hospital with a nurse standing over him. Still groggy and pretty much out of it, he asks "Did you bring me here to die?" Nurse says "Nah, ya got here yesta die."

What is the accepted currency in Australia?

Outbucks.

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Australia should hire WWE wrestlers to enforce sentencing on convicted sex offenders.

That way we can have Undertaker and Mankind throw Pell in a cell.

What’s the deal with prisons and starting with the letter A...

I mean Alcatraz, Azkaban, Australia and Auschwitz.

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Two Americans, Frank and Joe, are on vacation in Australia...

It's their last day there and they have a few hours to kill between checking out of the hotel and getting to the airport for their flight. Frank says, "Listen, Joe, I heard about this great new act at a strip club that's on the way to the airport. A really hot Korean girl, Augusta Kwon, she's visiti...

I’ve found out why I get downvoted so much

I’m just a hit in Australia.

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DIARY OF A POM IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA

August 31
Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha , Western Australia .
Now this is a town that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings.
I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday.
It was beautiful.
I've fi...

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A man from New Zealand was showing his friend from Australia the countryside

After a couple of hours of driving they come across a sheep with its head stuck in the fence, the Kiwi man being the sheepshagger he is gets to work and quickly finishes.
The Aussie overcomes his shock and laughs to the Kiwi

“Hah, mind if I have a go mate?”

“Yeah man go hard” resp...

A British man is visiting Australia.

The man at customs asks him
"Do you have a criminal record?"
The British man replies
"I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."

Did you know that in Australia they don’t call their parents mom and dad...

...they call them wow and pep.

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An American walks into a pub in Australia...

...says ''I'll have a bud light.'' The bartender replies ''You're an American, right?'' The guy says ''How did you know, was it the beer or my accent?'' To which the bartender replies ''Neither, you're the fattest fuck i've ever seen in my life.''

A Man is going through Australia Customs...

He is asked by the customs agent “Do you have a criminal record?” To which the man replied “No, I didn’t know that was still a requirement.”

Don't believe everything you hear

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cowra.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator r...

I went to Australia house today to apply for a visa...

The woman at the counter said “everything looks good but I have to check if you have a criminal record”

I replied “Oh I didn’t know you still needed one”

My grandpa survived both the Hiroshima and Nagasaki bombings.

Being in Australia helped.

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How long has HIV been in Australia?

For dick AIDS.

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On my recent trip to Australia, I made the mistake of buying a boomerang with teeth.

Sure enough, it came back to bite me in the ass.

How is it called in Australia, when they need to restart the song from the beginning at the club?

A DJ redo.

There was a competition at Sydney's center point tower.

Whoever could drop their watch from the tower, get to the bottom and then catch the watch will win $100000. A man from Western Australia tried his luck by dropping his watch and running down the stairs (if there are stairs). He picked up his broken watch and left. A man from Queensland dropped his w...

A blond American woman travels to Australia...

To meet her boyfriend. They go out on a date and he decides to take her out to a restaurant.

They have a good time and are finished eating, so the guy calls for the bill.

The woman suddenly says "Wait -- when did we start a game of chess? And how did you win so quickly?"

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An Australian goes to new Zealand

An Australian goes to new Zealand and sees a guy fucking a sheep on the side of the road, he says mate, in Australia we sheer our sheep. The new Zealand guy says, fuck off, I'm not sheering her with anyone.

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An American and his wife are on a trip to australia.

They're driving down the outback when the man sees a person fucking a kangaroo.

"that's disgusting" he says to his wife.

after another couple miles he sees ANOTHER man fucking a kangaroo.

"that's it, we're going to the police."

he drives to the police station where he see...

A British man is visiting Australia for vacation.

The passport lady at Australian customs asks him, "Have you been convicted of any crimes in the past?"

The Brit replies by asking, "Is it still a requirement?"

Australia's smartest man

An airplane was about to crash..

There were five passengers on board, but only four parachutes.

The first passenger said, “I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can’t afford to die.”

So he took the first parachute and left the plane.

The second pas...

Sad news from Australia

The inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Did you hear about the guy who got kidnapped and held in Australia?

His whole world was turned upside down.

A criminal sets up a small souvenir shop in Australia selling glass Kangaroos as a front for his drug smuggling business

The detective working the case walks in and says
"I can see straight through your roos mate"

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Rihanna was asked; "why do you think Chris Brown was denied a visa in Australia?"

She replied:


"Beats the hell outta me"

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A British man moved abroad to live on a ranch in Australia

He had been over there for a few weeks on his own before he started to feel quite lonely. Peering out of his window he couldn't see a single soul for miles around, just a single dirt road creeping through the rolling landscape.

One day the telephone rang, he answered
"Hello?" he said sheep...

"Dad, I don't wanna move to Australia"

Dad: "Shut up and keep rowing"

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Australia just banned all plastic bags, yay for the environment

Oh shit I thought this was r/recycling

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A newly wed couple are off on their honeymoon in Australia

They were out swimming in the sea when all of a sudden, a jelly fish stung the wife in the vagina. They quickly went to the hospital and the doctor said "it looks like you will be okay but due to the swelling you won't be able to have sex for at least a couple of weeks." The couple were so disappoin...

People make fun of Australia for declaring war on emus and losing

But it's not nearly as embarrassing as the US declaring war on plants and losing.

Fear the wrath!

Things that people who come to Australia are afraid of: Spiders, Scorpions, Snakes, Sharks, Crocs, Jellyfish, Octopus, Stone Fish, Feral Pigs, Giant bulls, Emus, and Kangaroos.
Things that Australians are afraid of: Magpies.

Everyone makes the joke over here "everything in Australia can kill you". You know what probably won't kill you in Australia?

An assault rifle

The new IT guy at my company is from Australia.

He comes from a LAN down under.

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Why was Jesus not born in Australia?

Because God could not find three wise men and a virgin.

I'm going to apply for the job as Australia's next cricket captain.

I've been ball tampering for years and never got caught.

A few hundred years ago, the boomerang was Australia’s only export.

And import.

In all of the possible universes where Spider-Man is of another culture or race, why can’t he be Australian?

Because if he got bitten by a spider in Australia he’d just die.

Ever wondered why Australia is never in front of you?

Because it's out back

Did you know that "boo" means "return" in Australia?

That's because when you throw a normal meringue, it doesn't come back.

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A kiwi man was in Australia for the Bledisloe Cup when he began to experience testicular pain..

So he went to see an Australian doctor and get some tests done.

Dr: "Your results are back sir and unfortunately they are not good. We are going to have to remove your testicles".

Kiwi: "Awwww no way bru! I'm going to git a sicond opinion!"

So the kiwi finds another Aussie docto...

I can't believe someone in Australia is remaking Eminem's movie '8 Mile'

They're calling it 12.8748km

A bad uber driver drove from New Zealand to Australia.

He got two stars.

When England settled her colonies how come America got Christian zealots and Australia got convicts?

Australia got first pick.

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Beer Bros

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.


The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone.


He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so yo...

A U.S. Army Sargeant was addressing to his new recruits:

He asked them basic questions, like their name and where are they from, things of that nature.

Then, he got to Oliver, who came all the way from Australia.

Sarge: Did you come here to die, recruit?

Oliver: Nah, mate, i came 'ere yesterdai

What do you get if you mix a kangaroo with a elephant?

Bloody big holes all over Australia

How do they say “Happy New Years” in Australia?

sɹɐǝ⅄ ʍǝN ʎddɐH

Of all 7 continents why is Australia considered the biggest pimp?

Because it's surrounded by beaches.

A Tourist is Trudging Through Australia's Desert

A tourist is trudging through Australia’s Great Victoria Desert. …

He’s completely lost, and he’s quickly running out of water. His vision is rather impaired, and he can tell that he’s only got a few more hours before he’ll pass out.

Suddenly, he accidentally steps on a rattlesnake! Be...

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