A British man is visiting Australia.

The man at customs asks him


"Do you have a criminal record?"


The British man replies


"I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."

I just flew into Australia and, boy, are my arms...

confiscated.

I nicknamed my ex girlfriend Australia

Because she has lots of scary things in her bush.

Abdul and his friend Mohammed are trying to migrate to australia as skilled workers.

They go to the Australian embassy in Lahore and start filling out the application.

Mohammed goes into an interview room with an embassy officer and they start discussing his work
Experience and whether he qualifies as skilled labor. ‘So what do you do, Mohammed?’ says the embassy worker. ...

German philosophy professor arrive to Australia

Professor: Today we'll study Kant

Student: Ok, mate, so what we will study?

An American man is visiting Sydney Australia. Going around seeing all the sites.

Suddenly he is struck by a car, injuring him, and putting him into a coma for 24 hours. He wakes up in the hospital, dazed and disoriented, he just sees the all white room. He hears a voice, and asks the nurse, "Did I come here to die?"
She turns and flatly responds, "Nah mate, you came here yes...

Murder investigation Australia

When some one is killed by violence in Australia

the detectives have it easy, they just wait and see who the boomerang

comes back to.

I wanted an Australian Visa. They asked if I had a criminal record.

Didn't know you still need it.

What do you say to old people in Australia as a comeback?

ƃuɐɹǝɯooq 'ʞO

Welcome to Australia!

A British national travelling to Australia on holiday is stopped at customs after getting off the plane. There, the customs agent asks him, "business or pleasure?"

"Pleasure," he replies.

"Anything to declare?"

"Does jet lag count?" the Brit asks with a cheesy smile. The Aussie ...

What do you call the leader of Australia?

The Kingaroo

Why did Great Britain send male convicts to Australia?

To set up a penile colony!

Fun fact : Australia's biggest export is boomerangs.

It's also their biggest import.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My buddy went to Australia and said he found a large piece of marsupial dung

What a quokka shit!

It's 2021 in Australia

and they have no Covid cases at all. See, 2021 is already better.

Who were the first people in Australia to have a 6 pack?

The Aboriginals

After the chess tournament in Australia was over, the champion still walked away empty-handed.

When the judges went to hand him the prize, they said "Here's your check, mate."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) Two Iraqi's move to Australia and have a bet who can become the most Australian in a year.

A year later, they meet at the pub and the first Iraqi says "G'day mate! I woke up this morning and had a can of VB and pie and sauce for breakfast. Later on I'm gonna hook up the tinny to the fourby and go fishin with me mates! How's that for fucken Australian!!!"

The other Iraqi looks at h...

In 1862, Australia implemented a telegraph system that stretched from south Australia to Indonesia and beyond. Effectively becoming Australia’s first internet.

And the speed of communication hasn’t changed since.

Why did Australia pee their pants?

They were feeling incontinent.

Time zones are very confusing. Like it's may 2 in australia, may 1 in europe

and 1954 in america

Two farmers are standing in a corn field looking up at a full moon. The first farmer exclaims: "what a clear night! Hey! What do you think is closer; the moon or Australia?"

The second farmer turns to the first. "What a stupid question. Can you SEE Australia?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Australian bloke traveling through New Zealand

Sees a man having sex with a sheep on the road side. He stops the car and says to kiwi "You know, in Australia we sheer our sheep."

Kiwi replies "Fuck off. I'm not sharing her with anyone."

What do you call an extra-terrestrial that has landed in Australia?

Australien.

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)


\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there "isn't" something trying to kill you....

"School" is my answer.

Happy new year to everyone

Unless you're Australian, in which case ɹɐǝʎ ʍǝu ʎddɐH

I was applying for citizenship in Australia, and the interviewer asked, "Do you have a criminal background".

I replied, "No, is that still a requirement".

What do Australia and The Spice Girls have in common?

The rest of us are trying our best but Victoria is ruining it for everyone.

What do you call a self-contradictory idiot from Australia?

An "Aussie-Moron"

The year 2020 began with Australia on fire and over a billion animals dead.

Little did we know then that it would be the feel good story of the year.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tourist in Australia

A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the Outback. On his way he saw a guy having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest bar and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a guy with one leg masturbating furiously at the ba...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two friends from Australia were on a flight from Sydney to London

An hour into their flight the pilot makes an announcement:

Pilot: ladies and gentlemen I must inform you that one of our four engines have failed. Not to worry though, the plane can fly fine with three engines, it just means a half hour delay to our arrival time, our sincere apologise.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A travelling man stops at a pub in regional Australia for lunch and a beer.

He walks in and spots a poster that says "Make my horse laugh and cry and get $1000!".

The man goes up the bartender to ask what this is about.

Bartender: "We have a horse in the stable behind the bar, and if you can make it laugh and cry then you'll get $1000. We've had so many people...

If you find gold in Australia where should you look for silver?

**Ag**stralia

Two men are playing chess in Australia

One guy asks "What's your ethnicity?"

As he knocks over the king, the other guy responds "Czech, mate"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Australian were hiking through some remote mountains.

The weather was oppressively hot when they saw this beautiful lake. They ran down to the lake, stripped off and swam in the wonderfully cool water.

Natives appeared on the shore and captured them and took them before the Chief.

"Lake is our most sacred site. You have violated sacred si...

Well, a father and son from Germany went to a zoo in Australia

So upon arrival the little son pointed at the first animal he saw. Staring at a kangaroo he asked: "Daddy what is this animal called?"

"Well, my son, this animal lives especially in Australia and it's called a dangerou." answered dad.

The son looked around and saw a lion standing on a ...

Did you hear about my friend from Australia studying abroad in Korea?

I guess you could say he’s my Seoul mate.

I won a local area network from Australia

It’s a LAN down under

Scott Morrison rang the Queen...

..."Make Australia a Kingdom", he said, "and I'll be the king."

The Queen replied "I will make it a country, and you can stay what you are..."

A woman is deciding between three suitors which one to be with. She says to the three men, "we are still young and inexperienced, go out there and travel around the world, we'll see when you come back."

So the first guy goes to Europe and tours the different countries there.

The second guy goes to Europe, then Asia, then Africa, then Australia and basically goes everywhere.

The third guy doesn't go anywhere.

6 months later they all meet up and the first guy says, "I went to all...

Timezones are so cool

Australia is in 2021


USA is in 2020


North Korea is in 1963

What do you get when you cross Australia with a kitchen appliance?

A frigeridoo

Chess was invented in Australia

Why else would they say Checkmate?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.

The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. It concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. The...

Why do baked beans want to move to Queensland (Australia)

Because they all want to live in Cairns!

(a city in Queensland Australia, for non aussies)

Time zones are weird - Australia is in 2020. America is in 2019..

Des Moines is in 1998, Alabama in 1865, Saudi Arabia 1576.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia, but unfortunately, I had to dial the help line. "G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"

I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know."

The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"

I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You'v...

Who is the most highly regarded musician in Australia?

Aussie Osbourne

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am so constipated.

I have not taken a shit since 2020.

***HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM AUSTRALIA. MAY YOU ALL STAY HEALTHY AND SHIT WELL.***

░░░░░░░░░░░█▀▀░░█░░░░░░
░░░░░░▄▀▀▀▀░░░░░█▄▄░░░░
░░░░░░█░█░░░░░░░░░░▐░░░
░░░░░░▐▐░░░░░░░░░▄░▐░░░
░░░░░░█░░░░░░░░▄▀▀░▐░░░
░░░░▄▀░░░░░░░░▐░▄▄▀░░░░ ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game.

After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment. It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu". It is city in Africa.

The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:

"I was a father all my life,
I had no children...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God is creating the world, and he talks to the canadians

He says to them “You will have the best land ever. It is beautiful, in the summer it is warm and in the winter it snows beautiful snow flakes. It is called Canada. You will have prosperity and food for all your days.”

He then gets the Australians, and says to them “I give to you Australia. Yo...

I am taking a surprise visit to my girl in Australia

She doesn't know I'm going down under

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Elderly British Couple Takes a Trip to Australia

After seeing the beaches and tourist attractions they decided to rent a car to go and see the Outback. They ask the man at the rental car counter if it's a pleasant drive, and he assures them that it is beautiful and they'll have a lovely time.

After several hours the couple storm into the r...

I knew a guy who worked in IT in Australia

I said "Do you come from a LAN Down Under?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a guy in Australia with a small dick

A New Zealand tourist

We all know that Australia is full of ugly insects

But this "kill it with fire before it lays eggs" thing has gotten greatly out of hand...

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin

& orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A multi-millionaire living in Darwin, Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

He also invited Brian, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and oysters from the barbecue, and flirting.

Then at the height of the party, the millionai...

Why did the prime minister think that Australia was save from the virus?

They got new fire walls last year.

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.

There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,
"Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large". 

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, <...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If the Great War was a bar fight

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recomm...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irishman walks into a pub.

An Irishman walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "What'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please." So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone.

He then orders three ...

In Australia, we have the new financial assist schemes "JobSeeker" and "JobKeeper"

At least the unemployed get titles that sound like they are on a Quidditch team.

It would be confusing to be a chess player in Australia when you have some money to deposit.

Check, mate

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A special talking koala was making his way from Australia to New York.

He wandered down a back alley one day and saw a sexy lady in heels and a short skirt smoking a cigarette.

She was shocked when he asked her for one of her cigarettes. "Omg you can talk?"

After talking she invited him inside and before she knew it he was up her skirt and performed cunni...

What’s the most common kind of tree in Australia?

Ash.

What do Australia and a redhead have in common?

Bushfire.

Ok, I'll see myself out.

Tom Hanks and his wife are in Australia and won't be able to leave for some time.

It wouldn't be the first time he was stranded on an island with Wilson.

Credit to u/Im_a_little_unsteady

What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?

Big holes all over Australia.

My mom is stuck in Australia for the next month, so she called me

Boomer Rang

I just got back from Australia

It was fire

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So we all have heard about the fires in Australia, but have you heard about the IG model who is selling nudes to help fight the fires?

Couple thoughts on this
1. Who pays for porn anymore?
2. If Australia maintained their bushes as well as that model does maybe they wouldn't be in this situation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

I thought the biggest fire this week was going to be in Australia.

But then I turned on the TV and watched Ricky Gervais burn all of Hollywood.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American walks into a pub in Australia...

...says ''I'll have a bud light.'' The bartender replies ''You're an American, right?'' The guy says ''How did you know, was it the beer or my accent?'' To which the bartender replies ''Neither, you're the fattest fuck i've ever seen in my life.''

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW - I was on vacation in Australia with my girlfriend

And we were sunbathing on a nudist beach.

All of a sudden a hornet flew down and stung her right on her special area. It immediately swelled up and turned a rather nasty colour.

I immediately rang the Australian helpline for insect stings.

"G'Day mate, what seems to...

I read today that the Prime Minister of Australia receives in the mail, on average, two parcels each week that contain human excrement.

I wonder who's sending the other one?

Thinking about taking a vacation in Australia.

I hear it's pretty lit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is it called when Australia join in during ww3?

A firefight

(All jokes aside go donate to help Australia what's going on is fucking terrible)

Stand up acts anyone?

So, I was on a trip staying at a hostel. You know, budget travel.
I was in Australia, a small town, and I wake up needing to use the bathroom. The catch is it was 2:30 in the morning. And I would need to walk through an outdoor area to get there. So I decide to wait.

However, while waiting...

Aussies believe Trump is Superman.

After leaving the Whitehouse, Donald Trump goes to Australia for vacation. When asked how it’s going he replies “It’s wonderful here. Everyone thinks I’m Superman. Everywhere I go I hear people shout “Oi, Kent!!””

First visit to Australia

Ken: "What do you think of Australia so far?"

Barbie: "Get these damn shrimp off me!"

I tried contacting the aboriginals in Australia via smoke signal

But the line was always busy

Today is Boxing Day in the UK, Canada, New Zealand, and Australia. Do you know when Boxing Day is celebrated in the United States?

Black Friday

I went to Australia and tried a Kangaroo beer

The taste was good but it was too hoppy for me.

Australia's doing great right now

they are on fire....wait

My girlfriend got mad at me when I invited her to afternoon tea by the Australia exhibit.

I don't understand. She said she wanted some koala teatime together.

My friend called me from Australia

He said it was lit!




Please make sure to donate to the cause, every bit helps them.

Bob moved to Australia and started working as a train driver.

So he worked as a train driver. One day, he crashed the train and all the passengers died, so he was sentenced to death. On his last meal, Bob asked the guards for a banana. However when he was put onto the electric chair, the chair didn't work, so he got released.

So Bob was released, and co...

21 Pilots

In 2016 during their tour,
21 Pilots performed in Brighton, Australia.
.
For that particular show,
For the entire show they sang their yet to be released songs.


Audience were enjoying at the beginning, by 1 hour mark they were demanding their hits to be performed.


...

Australia

I nominate Australia for the ice bucket challenge!

Australia's smartest man

An airplane was about to crash..

There were five passengers on board, but only four parachutes.

The first passenger said, “I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can’t afford to die.”

So he took the first parachute and left the plane.

The second pas...

You must understand, to be a veterinarian in Australia

One must have the proper Koalafications

So I heard Australia just ordered a mass cull of over 5000 camels yesterday...

Wouldn't be the first time a drunk Aussie polished off a pack of camels in an afternoon.

Two Irishmen are traveling to Australia.

Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie say...

I was watching Australian Master Chef last night...

Some guy made a meringue and everybody cheered...

I thought... That's odd, normaly in Australia they boo meringue

Australia

Was on holiday in Sydney and saw this bloke with a didgeridoo playing Dancing Queen. I thought, that's Abba-riginal

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between Australia and Hell?

Scott Morrison hasn’t managed to fuck up hell yet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rihanna was asked; "why do you think Chris Brown was denied a visa in Australia?"

She replied:


"Beats the hell outta me"

I just saw someone boarding a plane to Australia

Some people just want to watch the world burn

If you mix australia and russia together

It creates the blyatypus

My Nan has just been on the phone to say she's not returning from Australia because of all the ungrateful, useless kids back at home.

Boomer-rang doesnt come back

Did you guys hear about the kidnapping in Australia?

Dont worry, he woke up.

If there is a plastic island the size of Australia in the middle of the ocean,

Then we have nothing to worry about because Australia doesn’t exist

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.