Time zones are very confusing. Like it's may 2 in australia, may 1 in europe

and 1954 in america

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A tourist in Australia

A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the Outback. On his way he saw a guy having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest bar and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a guy with one leg masturbating furiously at the ba...

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Two friends from Australia were on a flight from Sydney to London

An hour into their flight the pilot makes an announcement:

Pilot: ladies and gentlemen I must inform you that one of our four engines have failed. Not to worry though, the plane can fly fine with three engines, it just means a half hour delay to our arrival time, our sincere apologise.
...

A British man is visiting Australia.

The man at customs asks him


"Do you have a criminal record?"


The British man replies


"I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."

I was applying for citizenship in Australia.

They asked for my criminal record. Didn’t know that was still required

Why did the prime minister think that Australia was save from the virus?

They got new fire walls last year.

What do you get when you cross Australia with a kitchen appliance?

A frigeridoo

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What do you call a guy in Australia with a small dick

A New Zealand tourist

My mom is stuck in Australia for the next month, so she called me

Boomer Rang

In Australia, we have the new financial assist schemes "JobSeeker" and "JobKeeper"

At least the unemployed get titles that sound like they are on a Quidditch team.

I knew a guy who worked in IT in Australia

I said "Do you come from a LAN Down Under?"

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn’t* something trying to kill you...

School.

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)


\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

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A special talking koala was making his way from Australia to New York.

He wandered down a back alley one day and saw a sexy lady in heels and a short skirt smoking a cigarette.

She was shocked when he asked her for one of her cigarettes. "Omg you can talk?"

After talking she invited him inside and before she knew it he was up her skirt and performed cunni...

Thinking about taking a vacation in Australia.

I hear it's pretty lit.

If you find gold in Australia where should you look for silver?

**Ag**stralia

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An Elderly British Couple Takes a Trip to Australia

After seeing the beaches and tourist attractions they decided to rent a car to go and see the Outback. They ask the man at the rental car counter if it's a pleasant drive, and he assures them that it is beautiful and they'll have a lovely time.

After several hours the couple storm into the r...

Time zones are weird - Australia is in 2020. America is in 2019..

Des Moines is in 1998, Alabama in 1865, Saudi Arabia 1576.

We all know that Australia is full of ugly insects

But this "kill it with fire before it lays eggs" thing has gotten greatly out of hand...

I just got back from Australia

It was fire

australia didn't win the cricket world cup in 2019 but I'm sure they will in 2020

I mean their team is on fire right now

I thought the biggest fire this week was going to be in Australia.

But then I turned on the TV and watched Ricky Gervais burn all of Hollywood.

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What is it called when Australia join in during ww3?

A firefight

(All jokes aside go donate to help Australia what's going on is fucking terrible)

What’s the most common kind of tree in Australia?

Ash.

What do Australia and a redhead have in common?

Bushfire.

Ok, I'll see myself out.

It would be confusing to be a chess player in Australia when you have some money to deposit.

Check, mate

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So we all have heard about the fires in Australia, but have you heard about the IG model who is selling nudes to help fight the fires?

Couple thoughts on this
1. Who pays for porn anymore?
2. If Australia maintained their bushes as well as that model does maybe they wouldn't be in this situation.

I tried contacting the aboriginals in Australia via smoke signal

But the line was always busy

At 18 a woman is like Africa

At 18 a woman is like Africa, wild and untamed.

At 28 a woman is like Asia, exotic and beautiful.

At 38 a woman is like America, flourishing and in the prime of life.

At 48 a woman is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.

At 58 a woman is like Austra...

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If World War One were a bar fight.

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recomm...

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My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia, but unfortunately, I had to dial the help line. "G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"

I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know."

The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"

I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You'v...

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.

There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,
"Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large". 

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, <...

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An Irish man walks into the pub

The bartender asks him: “What’ll you have?”

The man says: “Give me three pints of Guinness please.”

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender sa...

I’m tired of people saying bears are like humans and that’s why you should care about the polar icecaps melting.

If bears were like humans they would be fine. The polar bears would steal land from the grizzly bears, have all the panda bears build them railroads. Send all the koala bears to Australia, all the gummy bears to San Francisco they’ll be fine. They’re start a country called Bearica and have a half bl...

My friend called me from Australia

He said it was lit!




Please make sure to donate to the cause, every bit helps them.

My girlfriend got mad at me when I invited her to afternoon tea by the Australia exhibit.

I don't understand. She said she wanted some koala teatime together.

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What’s the difference between Australia and Hell?

Scott Morrison hasn’t managed to fuck up hell yet.

Today is Boxing Day in the UK, Canada, New Zealand, and Australia. Do you know when Boxing Day is celebrated in the United States?

Black Friday

Australia's doing great right now

they are on fire....wait

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NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

Australia

I nominate Australia for the ice bucket challenge!

First visit to Australia

Ken: "What do you think of Australia so far?"

Barbie: "Get these damn shrimp off me!"

An Irishman walls into a bar in Dublin..

orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you...

I went to Australia and tried a Kangaroo beer

The taste was good but it was too hoppy for me.

Two Irishmen are traveling to Australia.

Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie say...

Ten years after Donald Trump died, he's allowed one day on Earth

He goes into a bar, orders a beer and, eager to catch up with the events, asks to the bartender:

"So what's going on with Afghanistan now?"

"Oh don't worry about that, that's all ours now."

"China?"

"Nope, doesn't exist anymore. All ours."

"What about Europe?"
<...

The boomerang is Australias' biggest export.

...and import.

So I heard Australia just ordered a mass cull of over 5000 camels yesterday...

Wouldn't be the first time a drunk Aussie polished off a pack of camels in an afternoon.

Bob moved to Australia and started working as a train driver.

So he worked as a train driver. One day, he crashed the train and all the passengers died, so he was sentenced to death. On his last meal, Bob asked the guards for a banana. However when he was put onto the electric chair, the chair didn't work, so he got released.

So Bob was released, and co...

Accent humour, mate!

It's the year 2022, WWIII has started. 1st world countries vs 2nd world countries and Middle East. Britain asks for reinforcement from Australia. The Australian regiment arrives and next morning starts preparing while the British Commander enters and starts increasing the army's morale:

Briti...

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A multi-millionaire living in Darwin, Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors...

He also invited Brian, the only aborigine in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and oysters from the barbecue, and flirting.

Then at the height of the party, the millionair...

My Nan has just been on the phone to say she's not returning from Australia because of all the ungrateful, useless kids back at home.

Boomer-rang doesnt come back

Australia

Was on holiday in Sydney and saw this bloke with a didgeridoo playing Dancing Queen. I thought, that's Abba-riginal

An Irish lad just graduating school embarks on his career in business.

Found employment in a nice village. Being a bit of an introvert, took him a few months to venture into the local pub. Asked the bartender for 3 pints, and he took them back into a dark corner table, drank the 3 and left. After a few days, when he ordered his usual 3, the barkeep said "Ya know lad, I...

You must understand, to be a veterinarian in Australia

One must have the proper Koalafications

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A man walks into a bar in outback Australia and there is a huge crocodile in the middle of the floor

He moves to the bar and asks the barman if it's safe to have the crocodile in the bar and the barman assures him it's safe and wouldn't hurt anyone. The guy is unsure and so the barman goes watch this and he opens the crocodiles mouth and puts his arm in, the croc doesn't move. The guys is still not...

What is Jack from australia most hated question?

Are you hungry, Jack?

If you mix australia and russia together

It creates the blyatypus

A woman is deciding between three suitors which one to be with. She says to the three men, "we are still young and inexperienced, go out there and travel around the world, we'll see when you come back."

So the first guy goes to Europe and tours the different countries there.

The second guy goes to Europe, then Asia, then Africa, then Australia and basically goes everywhere.

The third guy doesn't go anywhere.

6 months later they all meet up and the first guy says, "I went to all...

Why did the British

Why did the British send the criminals to Australia and the Puritans to America?



Australia had first choice.

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Coronavirus alerts across the world

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, level may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when t...

How do you find Australian memes on reddit?

Sort by Hot.

A normal Winter day in Australia

Son: Dad, I'm cold.

Dad: Go stand in a corner.

Son: Why?

Dad: Because it's 90 degrees there.

NSFW - I was on vacation in Australia with my girlfriend

And we were sunbathing on a nudist beach.

All of a sudden a hornet flew down and stung her right on her special area. It immediately swelled up and turned a rather nasty colour.

I immediately rang the Australian helpline for insect stings.

"G'Day mate, what seems to...

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Head Larger Than The Shaft...

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleas...

How can you tell British police from Australian police?

British police don't carry guns, but everything in Australia is trying to kill you.

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After weeks of preparation, I was ready to begin my trip across the world to Sydney.

I prepared my luggage, boarded the plane, and after 17 hours I was in Australia. I rented a car, drove a while, and at long last I saw a sign that said "SYDNEY LEFT". "Well shit," I said, so I packed up my stuff and went back home.

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What do you call a jerk from Australia?

An Oz hole

Did you guys hear about the kidnapping in Australia?

Dont worry, he woke up.

You see each country has its own currency

In the US they have the dollar

In the UK they have the pound

In the EU they have the euro

In Australia they have toilet paper

I read today that the Prime Minister of Australia receives in the mail, on average, two parcels each week that contain human excrement.

I wonder who's sending the other one?

A kangaroo is jumping around in Australia

When ever she stops a little penguin pocks his head out of her pouch.

In Antarctica a little kangaroo is sitting with some penguins, sneezing and grumbling: Fucx this student exchange program!

Year 2020: A happening year

1. The WW3 is avoided
2. Australia finally stops burning.
3. 55K+ people died worldwide due to Coronavirus with superclean a\*\*holes.

This Halloween I'm being the Australia rugby team

I'm not dressing up I'm just going out early

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A guy who has spent his whole life in the outback of Australia decides he wants a change in his life, so he moves to the city.

He arrives in Sydney, and the first thing he does is looks for a job. He goes to the biggest department store downtown and applies for a job. The HR rep asks him if he has any experience in sales. So the guy says 'yea I was considered one of the best salesmen out Bush'. The rep isn't amused. 'This ...

I really think reddit was onto the sinister powers that run the world with the whole Epstein thing

I mean, they burned down half of Australia, almost started a world war, invented a new virus... just to distract us

[edit] : of course this post will be buried. And we know who did that. No way it will be because my jokes are lame.

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WW1 as a bar fight...

Serbia is walking across the bar with a beer in his hand. He bumps into Austria, and spills some beer on his pant leg. Austria is furious, and demands Serbia pay for an entire suit. Serbia can't afford this, so he offers to pay for the dry cleaning.

They argue, Russia tells Austria to back o...

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An American walks into a pub in Australia...

...says ''I'll have a bud light.'' The bartender replies ''You're an American, right?'' The guy says ''How did you know, was it the beer or my accent?'' To which the bartender replies ''Neither, you're the fattest fuck i've ever seen in my life.''

An American pilot is flying a small plane across Australia.

He crashes in the Outback and is knocked unconscious. When he comes to, he's in a hospital with a nurse standing over him. Still groggy and pretty much out of it, he asks "Did you bring me here to die?" Nurse says "Nah, ya got here yesta die."

If there is a plastic island the size of Australia in the middle of the ocean,

Then we have nothing to worry about because Australia doesn’t exist

Australia's smartest man

An airplane was about to crash..

There were five passengers on board, but only four parachutes.

The first passenger said, “I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can’t afford to die.”

So he took the first parachute and left the plane.

The second pas...

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Rihanna was asked; "why do you think Chris Brown was denied a visa in Australia?"

She replied:


"Beats the hell outta me"

Based on a True Story: A breeding pair of crocodiles ate two European tourists in Australia

This actually happened back when I was a kid in the 90's: A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and consumed by a pair of crocodiles in Australia. The female ate the Frenchman.

The Czech was in the male.

What is the accepted currency in Australia?

Outbucks.

I don't understand time zones!

How is it possible that in Europe it is today.
In Australia it is tomorrow.
And in Alabama it is 1890?

Did you know that in Australia they don’t call their parents mom and dad...

...they call them wow and pep.

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