UPJOKE
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I ate four cans of alphabet soup

I later took the biggest vowel movement ever

You’ve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for....

Times new ramen!

I asked him to heat up the Vietnamese soup...

and he immediately left the house and came back 20 minutes later with a Fajita!

One day I was making vegetable soup

But unfortunately the wheelchair didn't fit

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*Cannibals preparing a soup*

Two missionaries were sitting in a large pot of water as several cannibals built a fire under the pot.

Other cannibals were busy slicing potatoes, carrots and other vegetables an adding them into the pot with the two missionaries.

The water started getting hotter and hotter the missi...

what brand soup makes you snore when you sleep?

Its knorr

What's the difference between mincemeat and pea soup?

You can mince meat.

My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid

She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.

I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth

I bought a warehouse full of soup stock

Now I'm a bouillonaire

I ate some alphabet soup and some laxatives for lunch

I'm about to have a vowel movement

The Florida man accused of stealing a truck full of $75,000 with of Campbell's soup is finally going to trial...

I, for one, hope they lock him up for M'm! M'm! Good!!!

A man yells to his waiter: “There’s a pubic hair in my soup!”

Waiter: “No reason to be so upset, it is just a hair”
Man: “I understand, it’s just a little hair, but i prefer things with right timing!”
Waiter: ”And how’s that?”
Man: ”Let’s say you go down on your wife, would you be ok finding a spaghetti?”

Steve's Place.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant called "Steve's Place", and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket; it seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket...

John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
...

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Superpu$$y!!!

There's a crazy old lady in a nursing home. She goes up to the receptionist and tears open her robe, revealing her naked body. She yells, "SUPERPUSSY!" at the top of her lungs and walks away.


Next the old lady goes into the rec room where other residents are basket-weaving, watching TV ...

Me: Waiter, My soup is cold

Waiter: It's Borscht

Me: Borscht, My soup is cold

There are only 239 beans in an Irish bean soup

One more would make it too farty.

What is the heaviest soup?

Won Ton soup.

A great tragedy befalls Russia

At a state dinner dozens of high ranking officials have died. After eating a mushroom cream soup generals started falling to the floor left and right.

The investigation is quick: the official cause is mushroom poisoning. Members of the press are invited to the scene of the tragedy.

"A...

What do you say to the soup that asks if you can take it out of the pantry.

“Sure, Can”

I had vegan soup

it was soup herb

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Two missionaries are sitting in a cannibal's cooking pot...

One says to the other "I don't know why you're looking so pleased with yourself, we're about to be eaten!"

The other replies "I've just pissed in his soup.".

Where can you buy soup in bulk?

The stock market.

I love potato leek soup

So I'm gathering my ingredients and as I approach the leafy items in produce there are two blue hairs gabbing right in front of the leeks.

I pause politely while wide balling the ladies with gaping eyes.

"Uh, pardon me ladies but I must take a leek."

Its bad enough I'm bulimic, but today, after vomiting up my alphabet soup...

I discovered I'm also dyslexic!

What do you eat with duck soup?

Quackers.

Being a man is like being a bowl of soup.

You only get blown if you're hot.

Why do East Africans never finish their alphabet soup?

Because they only eat e o p a

My dad used to make homemade chicken soup that he'd call 'Chicken Napolean'

...because he made it from the 'bony parts'.

There is this Vietnamese restaurant near my place that serves really good soup

It's really popular though, so one time I had to wait a whole hour just to go in, and by the time it was my turn, they ran out of soup. It was a really huge pho-queue.

A Kirby guy on a hot day…

A door to door salesman was walking down a street in a very hot day, when he came across a pair of little girls selling lemonade.

Taking a break, he buys a big glass and goes to sit under a large elm tree.

Suddenly, he hears a guy yell “Nice suit buddy, did you buy it at the goodwill s...

A man calls over a waiter during his meal 'There is a fly swimming in my soup!'

'Look on the bright side Sir' replied the waiter 'If the portions weren't so generous he'd be wading'

Irish bean soup

(Read in an Irish accent for effect)

An Irish mam and her wee lad were sitting in the kitchen as she taught him to make her famous Irish bean soup.

"Now son," she explained, "what really makes a bean soup is how many beans you use. More is better, but you must remember: never, NEVER p...

My local soup kitchen is looking for volunteers for their next Pasta Dinner..

I'll check my colander and set aside some thyme for it.

Waiter, there's a neutron in my soup.

That'll be no extra charge sir.

What font does alphabet soup use?

Times New Ramen.



*Credit for this goes to Kim Komando. I heard it on the radio earlier today.*

I made a concoction with half part laxatives and 4 parts alphabet soup...

I call it Letter Rip.

Why does a space rock make the best rock soup?

# Because its a little meteor.

Me: Waiter! My soup is cold!

Waiter: Sir, it’s gazpacho

Me: sigh….Fine. Gazpacho, my soup is cold.

This one only works if you’re familiar with New Orleans

A man was walking down the street when he came upon a guy lying face down in the gutter. Not knowing if the guy was passed out or dead, he dials 911…

Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?

Man: I’ve come upon a body lying in the gutter. He could be dead or passed out, I’m not sure
...

I went to a restaurant and a waiter spilled chowder down my trousers, so I said...

Waiter, waiter...there's soup in my fly!

I spelled "I take back what I said" in a bowl of alphabet soup

I ate those words

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Super Sex?

So Grandads been living on his own for a while and on his birthday his son decides the old man might enjoy a hooker.

So he hires a really expensive, exotic hooker with curves in all the right places.

She dresses up nicely and shows up at Grandads door.

Ding dong.. Grandad ope...

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Soup or sex

For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”

After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”

A guy goes to a restaurant and orders soup,

Guy: "waiter what is this fly doing in my soup?"
*waiter looks at soup*: "it appears to be drowning sir "

There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul.

Even if it’s cold. Over ice. With a celery stalk. And vodka

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An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scotsman are all eating soup at a restaurant

The Irishman notices a fly in his soup. He scoops out the fly, shrugs, and goes on eating without giving it a second thought.

The Englishman notices a fly in his soup. He turns up his nose disgustedly, and signals for the waiter to come take the soup away.

The Scotsman notices a fly in...

A man orders a tomato soup at a restaurant..

As soon as waiter brings the soup he started yelling at waiter and ask him to taste the soup.

Waiter "sorry sir we're not allowed to do that. I will bring you another one."

He still kept yelling at him and asked him to taste the soup.

Waiter was nervous by now so he told the ma...

Have you ever heard of Clinton Soup?

It consists of a weenie in hot water

My work offered to fund my retirement account in soup exclusively...

...I'm the first person to have a Broth IRA.

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An old man is celebrating his 90th birthday

And his friends pooled their money together and hired a prostitute to go to his house.

The prostitute knocks on the old man's door and says, "Happy birthday! I'm here to give you super sex!"

The old man says, "I'll take the soup."

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You really expect me to wait in this long ass line just for Vietnamese soup?

That’s a big Pho Queue

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What do Russian Banks and my ass have in common?

We're both having liquidity crises right now.

I'm feeling slightly sick, please send soup and crackers.

What's the difference between a toilet bowl and a soup bowl?

If you had to click to find out, I'm never having soup at your place.

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A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man...

How do you make a potato leek soup?

Fill a potato with soup, then poke a hole in it.

I ate an expired can of alphabet soup...

Now I have severe cramps in my vowels and I've been in-consonant all day

flasher in an old people's home.

A flasher goes into an old people's home and goes upto an old lady , pulls his jacket open and shouts "superdick ".
The old lady says "what was that, I can't hear you ".
A little bit louder the flasher again shouts "superdick ".
Again the old lady says "speak up".
Finally the flasher sho...

Famished and in the mood to try a new restaurant, a man goes to a new French restaueanr and orders the soup.

After a few mins, the waiter arrives with the man's soup, and places it in front of him. The man notices that the waiter's thumb was in his soup, but was too hungry to say anything. The man arte the soup, and returned with friends the following night.
Having enjoyed the soup so much, the man orde...

What do you call the fear of Vietnamese soup noodles?

pho-bia

A man walks into a restaurant

The waitress asks what the man wants for lunch.

He replies: “I’ll have the rabbit stew”

Waitress: “It’ll be right out”

21 minutes later…

Waitress: “Here’s your food”

Man: “sorry but I think there is a hare in my soup”

I have to admit, my wife's cooking has really improved.

That's the best slice of soup I've ever had.

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Anniversary Surprise.

An old couple are married for 60 years.
At the night of the anniversary, to surprise her husband, the wife goes into the bathroom, strips naked, puts on a cape and jumps out shouting:
“SuperPussy!!!”
To which the husband says:
“I’ll have the soup.”

When Love Fades......

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's lovely voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner, my Love. . . Chicken, beef or lamb?"

I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having soup, a\*\*hole. I was talking to the c...

I was chopping up some leftover dumplings from my soup at a Chinese restaurant when suddenly it hit me...

I was engaging in acts of wonton destruction.

How to Order Soup

A man sits down at a restaurant and looks at the menu. He tells the waiter, "I think I will have the turtle soup."
The waiter leaves, but the man changes his mind to pea soup. He yells to the waiter, "Hold the turtle, make it pea!"

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Whats in common with spinach soup and butts3x ?

If you were forced to try it as a kid chances are you won't like it as an adult

Thumb in the soup at the restaurant

A man goes to a restaurant with his wife. They look at the menu and order some starters and two soups. After placing their orders they start to notice something strange: there is only one waiter and he puts his thumb in the soups of the other customers when he carries them to the tables. The man and...

What's a soup spoon's favorite sport?

Bowling.

What do the police do if you steal soup?

They arrestew.

My wife keeps telling me that soup is better with flavour cubes.

I don’t put too much stock in that.

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I drank some primordial soup

Now I have butterflies in my stomach.

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What do you call a restaurant where they let you stick your dick in the soup?

A broth-el

What do you call it when Chinese soup almost falls off a table?

Wonton endangerment.

Went to dinner last night at a restaurant, and there was a fly in my soup.

I wouldn't have normally minded, but the zipper broke my tooth.

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A elderly couple want to spice up their second life

They decide that the woman will take control for that evening.

She pushes the man to the bed and tells him to wait there while she gets changed in the bathroom.

She comes out a few minutes later wearing nothing but a cape, she stands there and yells SUPER VAGINA

The man replies ...

I ordered 2000 lbs. of chinese soup.

It was Won Ton.

"Waiter, why do I have a hearing aid in my soup?"

“Excuse me, what?”

A bird walks into a restaurant, order and gets a bowl of soup.

After a minute, the bird angrily calls the waiter :

\- Waiter! There is no fly in my soup!

What's the difference between someone that collects stamps and the tally that Prince Phillip keeps of all the gravy and soup related silverware?

One's a philatelist and the other's a Phil ladle list.

Waiter waiter there’s a fly in my soup!

Waiter: “Don’t worry Sir, the spider in your salad will get it.”.

A famous Vietnamese chef named Quan Si Ho was opening a restaurant, but couldn’t decide what to name it.

His brother Bao Ho told him: “It’s trendy to name restaurants after their best dish and the name of the chef.”

“Oh really?” said Quan.

“Yeah,” Bao said. “Like LB Steak, or Pizza Angelo. You could call yours ‘Ho Noodles’ or ‘Soup by Quan Si.’”

“That’s it!” said Quan. “I’ve thoug...

Three brothers eating soup

A mom has three sons and she's making them soup, While she's not looking a cupboard above the stove opens and a box of beebee's falls in the soup. She keeps cooking, serves them lunch and they go back outside to play. Ten minutes later the first boy comes in and says 'Mommy I was peeing and a beebee...

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I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup ...

And shit out a statement smarter than the one you just made.

What’s a canibal’s favourite soup?

Vegetable soup

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I was volunteering at a soup kitchen buttering the rolls, but they threw me out for having a dry cough

I’m a bit confused why they asked me to leave - they said I was a super spreader?

Fun fact! Irish soups only use 239 beans

If they used one more, it would be two-fahrty...

I'm starting a protest against the evil capitalist structure promoted by Vietnamese soup salesmen.

We are Anti-Pho

What is the most acidic soup?

Ph0

What is an Asian Canadian's preferred soup?

Miso Sorry

Would you like the soup or salad?

Oh, that sounds much too big for me. I’ll just have the regular-sized salad, thank you!

A man at a restaurant ordered a soup

The waitress brings it out and the man just sat there, not even having the soup he ordered. The waitress notices him not eating and a few minutes later she approaches him and asked "Is everything alright with the food?" And he just replied "try it" and she refused saying "sir it's against company po...

Two guys always order the noodle soup at “Kyoto soup restaurant”

Two guys always order the noodle soup at “Kyoto soup restaurant”. Every time they order the soup the same person always serves them.
“Hey ching chong hurry up will you” the first man always says. ...

The best soup stock is made by boiling chicken feet for hours and hours

After all, it's made from scratch.

Just had donkey soup

Taste like ass

A man is eating at a restaurant, when he notices there's a spider in his soup. He calls over the waiter and complains.

"I'm deeply sorry, sir" the waiter replies "but the fly asked to take the day off".

Chicken soup is healthy for you.

As long as you’re not the chicken.

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A man orders soup in a restaurant...

When the waiter delivers the soup, the man notices the waiter has his thumb immersed in the soup.

Man: WTH, why is your thumb in my soup?!?

Waiter: Well sir, I have a huge boil on my finger and I was told to apply heat so it could heal faster.

Man: YOU SHOULD TAKE THAT FINGER AN...

A man orders soup at a restaurant.

The waiter brings the soup, the man doesn't eat, he asks the waiter to taste:
-Is there anything wrong sir?
-No just taste it.
-I can change it for you
-I want you to taste it!
-But..
-Do it!
-Ok, where's the spoon?
-Exactly, go bring me a spoon!

A man and a Woman were approaching their 50th wedding anniversary.

To celebrate, the woman decided she would cook a big dinner for her husband.
Then he said they should do what they did on their wedding night, and eat at the dinner table naked. The woman agreed.

On their anniversary night, at the table,
the woman says: “Honey, my nipples are as ...

I invested in a soup manufacturer. I asked them what the stock options were.

They said chicken or vegetable

Tonight, I’m making soup from a Himalayan opossum.

I found Himalayan in the road.

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