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An old man comes home with his new Viagra pills…

He walks in the door and says “Honey, are you up for some super sex?”

She replies “I’ll take the soup.”

I've combined alphabet soup and a laxative.

I call it "letter rip"

What is the worst food to eat with Demi Lovato?

Soup because it is really hard to eat without a spoon

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Soup or sex?

For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”

After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”

Being a man is like being a bowl of soup.

You only get blown if you're hot.

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A man is eating soup at a fancy restaurant

He goes to put his spoon down to eat some bread but his spoon falls off the table. Annoyed, he calls over a waiter.

“Hey, I dropped my spoon on the floor... would you mind fetching me a new one?”

“Of course!” Says the waiter. He then proceeds to pull a spoon from his pocket and hands...

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders a bowl of tomato soup

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of soup is still full. He asks, "Are you going to have that soup?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".

He slides the bowl over and he...

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Two old men, Peter and Mike, are sitting in their room at the Senior Home....

When all of the sudden an elderly woman kicks open the door, opens her robe and yells SUPER PUSSY! Mike turns to Peter and says "what did she say?" Peter says "she said Super Pussy" Mike looks back at the lady gives her a quick once over with his eyes, looks back over to Peter and says "Tell her I'l...

A man went to a restaurant and ordered a soup

When he got his soup, he noticed something very odd, so he called the waiter over.

"What seems to be the problem, sir?" The waiter asked

"Something is odd with my soup, would you mind tasting it please?"

So the waiter looked over the table and back at the man

"There isn't...

You have heard of alphabet soup

Get ready for times New ramen

How do you turn a soup into gold

Add 14 carrots

What do you call alphabet soup with only I, V, X, L, C, D, and M?

Ramen Numerals!

An Englishman is dining in a French restaurant when he notices that the Frenchman at the next table has a fly in his soup.

So he dredges up his best schoolboy French and says <<*Pardon, m'sieur, mais il y a un mouche en votre potage!*>>

The Frenchman looks, sees the fly, and says <<*Merci, m'sieur!*>> and signals for the waiter before adding helpfully, <<*mais ce n'est pas* **un** ...

Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup?

Because one more and they would get too farty

I made a vegetable soup.

Sadly he dropped it all over his wheelchair.

The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.

I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.

Why don’t Astronomers like vegetable soup?

They prefer a meteor soup.

Why did the "Chicken Soup Waterfall" attraction fail?

Its stock was plummeting.

‪Why is Chinese soup the heaviest kind of soup?

Because it’s won-ton

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A woman checking out at the register of the grocery store puts bacon, milk, frozen peas, butter, and a can of soup on the conveyor belt. The man behind her in line see all this and says: “You must be single.” “Why, yes, I am, how did you know?” she asks.

“Cause you’re the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen in my entire life,” he says.

My roommate said that I couldn’t get him alphabet soup by dinner time

He’s eating his words right now.

What's the worst part about eating platypus soup?

When you get the bill.

Why was the procrastinating chef’s soup always so bland?

He ran out of thyme

I hate to admit it, but my wife's cooking has seriously improved.

......that was best slice of soup I've ever had!

How do you make a humorous soup?

You use laughingstock.

What do you have after eating too much alphabet soup?

A large vowel movement.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife is a great cook, but yesterday, she made some soup from scratch, which was a pity...

Because I loved that fucking dog...

What's Jar Jar Binks' favorite soup?

Miso soup

I should have been more attentive; my pot has unexpectedly boiled over

Honestly. It was a little soup rising.

If you want some Vietnamese soup but there is a really long line

It's basically a big pho queue

Stopped in a diner for lunch and on the menu, it said, "Golden Soup", so I asked the waitress why it was called that...

She replied, "Because there are 24 carrots in it."

Don't leave alphabet soup cooking on the stove unattended.

It could spell disaster.

Ate 3 bowls of alphabet soup earlier...

Just took the biggest vowel movement of my life.

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A man gets upset at a local restaurant over finding a hair in his soup. He storms out without paying as the waitress follows him across the street to the local brothel.

She walks right in and says.

"You wouldn't pay for your your soup because you found a hair in now I find you buried face deep in a hairy vagina?!?

He replies.

" that's right and I'll tell ya something else, if I find a noddle in this I ain't paying for it either!"

A man lines up for food in Soviet Russia...

After two hours of waiting he gets his turn and offers his bowl.

“Out of soup.” says the officer in charge and waves him aside.

The man refuses to leave. He tosses the bowl on the table and curses the regime for failing his starving family.

The officer motions to the guards an...

I had four cans of alphabet soup yesterday.

I just had the largest vowel movement...

I'll see myself out.

What kind of soup do computers eat?


What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

anybody can roast beef

An old Jewish man walks into a restaurant

He orders some soup. The waiter quickly brings his soup but the old man doesn’t eat. The waiter returns after some minutes. “Excuse me sir. Is there something wrong with your soup?”
“Try it and find out.” The old man responded.
“Is the soup too cold?”
“Try it.”
“I-is it too hot?”

Waiter, waiter, there's a fly in my soup!

Calm down sir, it's the near future and insects are our only sustainable protein source.

(cautionary joke)

What is 2000 pounds of Chinese soup?

Won ton.

Guy at a restaurant orders a soup

Some random guy orders a soup in the restaurant and the waiter brings him the soup. Right after the waiter leaves the table the guy calls him back and says "Try the soup" the waiter asks "What's the matter, is it too salty?" guy says "Go ahead and taste it" and the waiter asks "Is it too spicy?" and...

What do you call an Australian that liked soup

(Likes soup)

A more-supial.
I’ll leave now

I've been considering opening a soup restaurant. I'd serve the finest soups from around the world using only the most illegally-sourced ingredients. I'll call it...

Bisquey Business

Man is eating a soup in a restaurant.

He has to go to the toilet so he leaves a note : " I've spit in it".

After he comes back, there's another note : "Me too".

Heard of the Fibonacci soup?

Apparently , the ingredients are :
Yesterday's soup and day before yesterday's soup.
Price : $1.61

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen....

.....Ungrateful bleeders, all I said was,
'Hurry up, for Pete's sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'

Get your bowl ready for some Soup

Because this acrobat is about to do the splits and he has a very weak bladder

My Mom Tried To Force Feed Me Alphabet Soup, Saying “I Loved It”

I Hate It When People Put Words In My Mouth

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

For an old man's 98th birthday,

his 3 grandsons paid for a hooker and sent her to his home. When the old fella opened the door he asked what a pretty girl like her was doing at his home. She replied "I was sent here as a gift to you" The old man asked "What is it that you do?" Hooker says "Im well known for my super blowjobs" Gra...

Basil works so well in soup!

It's sup'erb

My grocery store always has a few items on sale and today they had cheese and soup so I had to buy it

It was a souper gouda deal

A famous restaurant critic is eating soup at a fancy restaurant.

This critic was well-known in the industry for his arrogance and rudeness, as well as his overall sloppiness. So it came as no surprise when mid-course he dropped his spoon on the floor, and angrily gestured to get a waiter's attention. When a waiter approached, the critic noticed a spoon tucked in ...

What do you call someone who pretends to like Vietnamese soup but really doesn't?

A phony

I went to a Vietnamese soup shop and ordered their top-selling soup.

Me: Is this soup acidic?

Waitress: Yes, because it's pH0.

What do racist cannibals like to add to their soup?

A handful of crackers.

What's worse than finding a fly in you soup?

Getting hit by a bus

I was eating soup one day outside my favorite restaurant and it started raining..

Took me hours to finish my meal.

Did you hear about the dyslexic guy who tried to order wonton soup?

He never got served. He kept saying "notnow"

"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup."

The waiter replies, "So sorry, sir. I'll take care of that," and puts a spider in the soup.

"Hopefully this won't take long."

My friend stirs soup with his left hand.

But I stir soup with a spoon.

I wrote a program that figures out if soup is made from scratch or from a cube

It returns a bouillon Boolean.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a sexy soup kitchen?

A brothel

I bought a package with pre-measured ingredients to make Vietnamese soup, but the instructions were so hard to follow I gave up.

No surprise, I guess--it was called PhoKit.

A Frenchman, an Italian and a Jewish man die and go to heaven....

An angel ushers the Frenchman into a room filled with every French delicacy imaginable and instructs him - you can eat whatever you want, but if you eat anything from this table, at 5:00 a boiling pot of French onion soup will be wheeled in and you're going in it.

The Frenchman thinks for a ...

ISIS has reportedly starting putting bombs in cans of alphabet soup

If any go off, it could spell disaster

I work as a CNA and today at work a resident in the cafeteria in a nursing home I work for asked for 1 extra cracker for his soup... this, the other resident that was sitting next to him replied to me: "Oh I thought you were just going to pick me up and hand me to him."

**Yes r/jokes leaked into real life today at my workplace.**

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A woman was fixing soup for her family, but didn't notice when a box of BB's fell into the soup while she wasn't looking.

A woman was fixing soup for her family but didn't notice when a box of BB's fell into the soup while she wasn't looking. She served the soup for dinner but later that night her young son came to her saying he'd just gone to the bathroom and passed some BB's and it really hurt. She thought this was ...

Guy in a restaurant spills some soup in his lap...

He says, "Waiter! There's some soup on my fly!"

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BB Soup

An Italian mother is making a soup for dinner one night for her 3 kids. While she is cooking, she accidentally knocks over a bottle of BBs and it spills into the soup. She freaks out and gets out as many as she can before dinner but can't get it all.

Later that night, after dinner and after ...

I saw my buddy dressed as a bowl of soup...

I didn't know if he was friend or pho.

How long will my soup be? I asked the waiter.

"Well liquid takes the shape of its container"

Do you like Asparagus Soup ?

"Honey, do you like Asparagus ?"


"Do you like soup ?"

'Not really, why are you asking ?'

"Because you may not like what I did..."

'What ? Did you make Asparagus Soup ? '

"No, I've slept with your sister"