My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid

She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.

I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth

I bought a warehouse full of soup stock

Now I'm a bouillonaire

I recently saw on the news they caught the man who robbed a Campbell’s soup truck...

I hope they they lock him up for mmmmm...good

Being a man is like being a bowl of soup.

You only get blown if you're hot.

What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?

Anyone can mash potatoes

Just had donkey soup

Taste like ass

What kind of soup base does the Joker use?

Laughing stock

I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup yesterday

I had the biggest vowel movement of my life this morning.

What do you call a possum that goes back for seconds on soup

A more-soupial

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I was in the supermarket the other day and there was a girl in front of me at the checkout, she had one apple, one pear, one toothbrush, one cup o noodle, and one can of soup.

I leaned over and said, "You're single arent you.."

She says, "Yes, but how did you know?"

I said, "Because you're ugly as fuck!"

I ordered 2000 pounds of Chinese soup

It was won ton.

I wanted to tell a joke about soup kitchens.

But it was in poor taste.

How do you turn a soup into gold?

You add 14 carrots in it

I used to work in a powdered soup factory, until I started coughing up little cubes of tofu...

I was forced to retire, after being diagnosed with Miso-thelioma.

What should you do if your soup is too hot?

Add a chilly pepper.

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A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man...

How can you tell the difference between a can of soup and a can of baked beans?

Read the label.

What's the difference between a toilet bowl and a soup bowl?

If you had to click to find out, I'm never having soup at your place.

I was at a restaurant, and spilled soup on my jeans.

I called for there server: "Waitress, there's soup in my fly"

The banquet manager was walking by holding a hot bowl of soup...

She said "hot stuff coming through"

I responded "oh? What are you carrying then?"

A man walks into a restaurant and orders a soup.

Shortly after he gets it he calls the waiter

Waiter: Yes Sir, how can I help you?

Man: Can you please taste the soup?

Waiter: Why? What's wrong with it?

Man: Please taste the soup!

Waiter: I can replace it if there's anything wrong with it!

Man: Taste the so...

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A guest dining in a classy restaurant drops his spoon before finishing his soup. (Nsfw)

Before he could reach down to pick it up, a server was already standing next to him holding a replacement.
"Wow! That was tremendously fast. The service here is impeccable. How did you do that?."
"Well, all of the servers here have an extra piece of cutlery on their tray at all times just...

I went to a Vietnamese food truck at lunch to order my favourite soup...

But there was a huge line and I was in a rush. It was kind of a pho queue.

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A waitress, on her last day, decides to walk to each of her tables and lift up her skirt to proudly proclaim,

"Super Pussy!". She continues to do this over and over to the horror of her customers, until she reaches a table which sat an elderly man. She approaches him and lifts up her skirt and, again, proclaims, "Super Pussy!" and awaits his reaction. The old man looks at her, then her pussy, then back at h...

What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?

Everyone can chop beef, but no one can pee soup

I called in an order of wonton soup, but I guess they misunderstood me.

On an unrelated note, I'm opening a soup kitchen.

A man orders soup at a restaurant.

The waiter brings the soup, the man doesn't eat, he asks the waiter to taste:
-Is there anything wrong sir?
-No just taste it.
-I can change it for you
-I want you to taste it!
-But..
-Do it!
-Ok, where's the spoon?
-Exactly, go bring me a spoon!

Alphabet Soup?

More like Times New Ramen, amirite?



(Not OC, but one of my favorite one-liners and haven’t seen it posted in this sub)

I don’t eat alphabet soup

Because I won’t risk taking an L

Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup?

Because one more bean would be too farty.

A chef made my soup in a rush and I asked "Why didn't you add any herbs and spices?"

He said "Sorry, I didn't have the thyme".

Waiter! Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!

Well, that's the last time we get the tailor to cook the food.

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business.

She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different ton...

How do you make a soup using 1s and 0s?

Beef Boolean.

Tonight, I’m making soup from a Himalayan opossum.

I found Himalayan in the road.

I've combined alphabet soup and a laxative.

I call it "letter rip"

Q: You know how to eat soup with chopsticks?

A: put them down and pick up the bowl.

Miso soup

Is the only soup that brags about being soup.

A man orders soup at the restaraunt, but as soon as it arrives, it becomes apparent something is very wrong with his meal.

He flags down his waiter.

"Excuse me waiter, could you please taste my soup?"

The waiter gives the man a strange look.

"Is something wrong with your soup, sir?"

The man shakes his head,

"Please taste the soup, waiter."

The waiter gets flustered, he told the ...

A man went to a restaurant and ordered a soup

When he got his soup, he noticed something very odd, so he called the waiter over.

"What seems to be the problem, sir?" The waiter asked

"Something is odd with my soup, would you mind tasting it please?"

So the waiter looked over the table and back at the man

"There isn't...

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What was Hitler's favorite soup?

Gazpacho

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Soup or sex?

For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”

After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”

My cousin's allergic to shellfish, and I laughed as I told him I put shrimp in his soup.

You should've seen his reaction....

There is one letter Chef Boyardee didn’t want in his soups

The letter was F and he said “get the F out of here!”

What do you call alphabet soup with only I, V, X, L, C, D, and M?

Ramen Numerals!

What do ducks like to eat with their soup?

........Quackers

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[Long] Two brothers, a vegan and a carnivore, sit down to Thanksgiving dinner together with their family...

The father intones, "on this day of thanks, let us give thanks to God..."

The vegan brother interrupts..."I'm not eating the turkey..."

The carnivore brother replies, " that's fine, there's plenty of other food on the table."

The vegan then says " I'm not eating any of the stuff...

What did the impatient vegetarian say to the waiter?

Get me a soup! And make it snap pea!

Why did she spit out the turkey soup?

She said it had a fowl taste.

A geologist, physicist and an economist are marooned on a desert island with nothing to eat.

A can of soup washes ashore. They ponder how to open it. The geologist says, ‘Let’s smash it open with a rock.’ The physicist says, ‘Let’s heat it up and blow it open.’ The economist says, ‘No, no. You guys will lose most of the soup. Let’s just assume we have a can opener.’

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders a bowl of tomato soup

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of soup is still full. He asks, "Are you going to have that soup?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".

He slides the bowl over and he...

I made a vegetable soup.

Sadly he dropped it all over his wheelchair.

Where does soup go when it's feeling a bit strained?

A brothel.

Have you ever had Oasis soup?

You get a roll with it.

A Vietnamese restaurant is offering herbed potato sticks served with a bowl of noodle soup.

Thyme fries when you’re having pho.

What's Jar Jar Binks' favorite soup?

Miso soup

The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.

I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.

A Korean boy, who is the head chef of a local soup restaurant, is arrested for accusingly spitting in every bowl of soup that’s made and poisoning all of the customers. The other chefs knew about it and didn’t say anything at first, but eventually couldn’t hide it any longer and told the cops.

He is punished to serious, hard work for a month, but he is always upbeat no matter what. So one day the cops decide to see if any one of them can make the boy unhappy. One decides to put the boy’s shoes in a block of cement. The boy doesn’t care, and he just does his work with no shoes. Another dec...

Why don’t Astronomers like vegetable soup?

They prefer a meteor soup.

My roommate said that I couldn’t get him alphabet soup by dinner time

He’s eating his words right now.

‪Why is Chinese soup the heaviest kind of soup?

Because it’s won-ton

How do you make a humorous soup?

You use laughingstock.

Old German joke

An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, “The soup is cold."

His astonished mother exclaimed, “Son, I’ve waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven’t you spoken befor...

Don't leave alphabet soup cooking on the stove unattended.

It could spell disaster.

One little boy has never said a word

At first his parents were concerned, but no doctor could find any problem.

One day at launch boy says:
"There is too much salt in my soup"
His parents are shocked:
"You can speak?! Why didn't you ever said anythink?"


"Because up until now everything was ok"

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A man and his wife go on a date to a new restaurant...

They are seated and after browsing the menu they both decide to order the soup of the day. When the waiter brings their soup the man knocks his spoon on the floor. "Whoops" he says and turns to the waiter "I'm terribly sorry but could I have another..." the waiter whips a fresh spoon out of his top ...

Guy at a restaurant orders a soup

Some random guy orders a soup in the restaurant and the waiter brings him the soup. Right after the waiter leaves the table the guy calls him back and says "Try the soup" the waiter asks "What's the matter, is it too salty?" guy says "Go ahead and taste it" and the waiter asks "Is it too spicy?" and...

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Soup

An old man and his wife are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the old lady bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super pussy!" And the old man says, "I'll have the soup.”

Stopped in a diner for lunch and on the menu, it said, "Golden Soup", so I asked the waitress why it was called that...

She replied, "Because there are 24 carrots in it."

The world's greatest blues musician and the world's greatest jazz musician are having dinner together. Who pays the tip?

Nobody. They don't charge at the soup kitchen.

Heard of the Fibonacci soup?

Apparently , the ingredients are :
Yesterday's soup and day before yesterday's soup.
Price : $1.61

What did the kangaroo say while volunteering at the homeless shelter?

More-soup-y’all?

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My Patient just told me this joke and i can't stop laughing

George was turning 90 this week and his friends thought of doing something special for him. So they planned to contact a high class Escort service and send him a nice surprise.



On his birthday, around 9 pm, when he was alone at home, the doorbell rang. George thought - who could it b...

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A woman checking out at the register of the grocery store puts bacon, milk, frozen peas, butter, and a can of soup on the conveyor belt. The man behind her in line see all this and says: “You must be single.” “Why, yes, I am, how did you know?” she asks.

“Cause you’re the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen in my entire life,” he says.

What kind of soup do computers eat?

RAMen.

I've been considering opening a soup restaurant. I'd serve the finest soups from around the world using only the most illegally-sourced ingredients. I'll call it...

Bisquey Business

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Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and left them there.

As the water boiled and the heat grew more and more intense, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary can't believe it. He said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
<...

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My wife is a great cook, but yesterday, she made some soup from scratch, which was a pity...

Because I loved that fucking dog...

A guy is having dinner with his girlfriend's parents for the first time

As he's about to devour the soup, he sees his mother in law looking at him with an angry face.

She says:

- When you're at home, don't you always pray before you start eating?

He answers:

- No ma'am, my mom is a really good cook.

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV.

I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen. "What would you like for dinner, my love, chicken, beef or lamb?"





I said, " Thank you, I'll have chicken please"




She replied, "You're having soup, you fat goat. I was talking to my cat"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s the night of a couples 70th wedding anniversary

The wife wants to do something special for the husband. She says “I’ll be right back” and runs into the bathroom, strips down, and puts a cape on. She come out of the room and says “super pussy!” The husband responds, “ill have the soup”

What's worse than finding a fly in you soup?

Getting hit by a bus

I was eating soup one day outside my favorite restaurant and it started raining..

Took me hours to finish my meal.

Get your bowl ready for some Soup

Because this acrobat is about to do the splits and he has a very weak bladder

Man is eating a soup in a restaurant.

He has to go to the toilet so he leaves a note : " I've spit in it".

After he comes back, there's another note : "Me too".

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