Old German joke

An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, “The soup is cold."

His astonished mother exclaimed, “Son, I’ve waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven’t you spoken befor...

Being a man is like being a bowl of soup.

You only get blown if you're hot.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My Patient just told me this joke and i can't stop laughing

George was turning 90 this week and his friends thought of doing something special for him. So they planned to contact a high class Escort service and send him a nice surprise.

​

On his birthday, around 9 pm, when he was alone at home, the doorbell rang. George thought - wh...

I don’t eat alphabet soup

Because I won’t risk taking an L

A man walks into a restaurant and orders a soup.

Shortly after he gets it he calls the waiter

Waiter: Yes Sir, how can I help you?

Man: Can you please taste the soup?

Waiter: Why? What's wrong with it?

Man: Please taste the soup!

Waiter: I can replace it if there's anything wrong with it!

Man: Taste the so...

What soup weighs two thousand pounds?

Wonton soup.

Waiter! Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!

Well, that's the last time we get the tailor to cook the food.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wearing nothing but a cape I jumped into the bedroom startling my wife.

I shouted SUPER SEX!!!!

She replied, “ I don’t know, what kind of soup is it?

Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup?

Because one more bean would be too farty.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Soup or sex?

For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”

After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”

I've combined alphabet soup and a laxative.

I call it "letter rip"

A chef made my soup in a rush and I asked "Why didn't you add any herbs and spices?"

He said "Sorry, I didn't have the thyme".

A man orders soup at the restaraunt, but as soon as it arrives, it becomes apparent something is very wrong with his meal.

He flags down his waiter.

"Excuse me waiter, could you please taste my soup?"

The waiter gives the man a strange look.

"Is something wrong with your soup, sir?"

The man shakes his head,

"Please taste the soup, waiter."

The waiter gets flustered, he told the ...

Have you ever had Oasis soup?

You get a roll with it.

What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?

Anybody can mash potatoes...

A Korean boy, who is the head chef of a local soup restaurant, is arrested for accusingly spitting in every bowl of soup that’s made and poisoning all of the customers. The other chefs knew about it and didn’t say anything at first, but eventually couldn’t hide it any longer and told the cops.

He is punished to serious, hard work for a month, but he is always upbeat no matter what. So one day the cops decide to see if any one of them can make the boy unhappy. One decides to put the boy’s shoes in a block of cement. The boy doesn’t care, and he just does his work with no shoes. Another dec...

What do you call a line for Vietnamese soup?

Pho queue.

A Vietnamese restaurant is offering herbed potato sticks served with a bowl of noodle soup.

Thyme fries when you’re having pho.

I ordered 2000 lbs of Chinese soup

It was, won ton

What was Hitler's favorite soup?

Gazpacho

A man went to a restaurant and ordered a soup

When he got his soup, he noticed something very odd, so he called the waiter over.

"What seems to be the problem, sir?" The waiter asked

"Something is odd with my soup, would you mind tasting it please?"

So the waiter looked over the table and back at the man

"There isn't...

Why did she spit out the turkey soup?

She said it had a fowl taste.

You've heard of alphabet soup. Now get ready for

Times new ramen

What do you call alphabet soup with only I, V, X, L, C, D, and M?

Ramen Numerals!

Where does soup go when it's feeling a bit strained?

A brothel.

How do you turn a soup into gold

Add 14 carrots

I made a vegetable soup.

Sadly he dropped it all over his wheelchair.

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders a bowl of tomato soup

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of soup is still full. He asks, "Are you going to have that soup?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".

He slides the bowl over and he...

The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.

I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.

What do ducks like to eat with their soup?

........Quackers

An Englishman is dining in a French restaurant when he notices that the Frenchman at the next table has a fly in his soup.

So he dredges up his best schoolboy French and says <<*Pardon, m'sieur, mais il y a un mouche en votre potage!*>>

The Frenchman looks, sees the fly, and says <<*Merci, m'sieur!*>> and signals for the waiter before adding helpfully, <<*mais ce n'est pas* **un** ...

What's Jar Jar Binks' favorite soup?

Miso soup

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman checking out at the register of the grocery store puts bacon, milk, frozen peas, butter, and a can of soup on the conveyor belt. The man behind her in line see all this and says: “You must be single.” “Why, yes, I am, how did you know?” she asks.

“Cause you’re the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen in my entire life,” he says.

Why don’t Astronomers like vegetable soup?

They prefer a meteor soup.

What do you have after eating too much alphabet soup?

A large vowel movement.

‪Why is Chinese soup the heaviest kind of soup?

Because it’s won-ton

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two old men, Peter and Mike, are sitting in their room at the Senior Home....

When all of the sudden an elderly woman kicks open the door, opens her robe and yells SUPER PUSSY! Mike turns to Peter and says "what did she say?" Peter says "she said Super Pussy" Mike looks back at the lady gives her a quick once over with his eyes, looks back over to Peter and says "Tell her I'l...

Why did the "Chicken Soup Waterfall" attraction fail?

Its stock was plummeting.

I hate to admit it, but my wife's cooking has seriously improved.

......that was best slice of soup I've ever had!

Ate 3 bowls of alphabet soup earlier...

Just took the biggest vowel movement of my life.

Why was the procrastinating chef’s soup always so bland?

He ran out of thyme

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife is a great cook, but yesterday, she made some soup from scratch, which was a pity...

Because I loved that fucking dog...

My roommate said that I couldn’t get him alphabet soup by dinner time

He’s eating his words right now.

How do you make a humorous soup?

You use laughingstock.

I should have been more attentive; my pot has unexpectedly boiled over

Honestly. It was a little soup rising.

Stopped in a diner for lunch and on the menu, it said, "Golden Soup", so I asked the waitress why it was called that...

She replied, "Because there are 24 carrots in it."

Don't leave alphabet soup cooking on the stove unattended.

It could spell disaster.

An old Jewish man walks into a restaurant

He orders some soup. The waiter quickly brings his soup but the old man doesn’t eat. The waiter returns after some minutes. “Excuse me sir. Is there something wrong with your soup?”
“Try it and find out.” The old man responded.
“Is the soup too cold?”
“Try it.”
“I-is it too hot?”
“Jus...

There's a town in Russia where it's illegal to split an order of soup.

Share-no-bowl.

I had four cans of alphabet soup yesterday.

I just had the largest vowel movement...

I'll see myself out.

A man lines up for food in Soviet Russia...

After two hours of waiting he gets his turn and offers his bowl.

“Out of soup.” says the officer in charge and waves him aside.

The man refuses to leave. He tosses the bowl on the table and curses the regime for failing his starving family.

The officer motions to the guards an...

Guy at a restaurant orders a soup

Some random guy orders a soup in the restaurant and the waiter brings him the soup. Right after the waiter leaves the table the guy calls him back and says "Try the soup" the waiter asks "What's the matter, is it too salty?" guy says "Go ahead and taste it" and the waiter asks "Is it too spicy?" and...

I've been considering opening a soup restaurant. I'd serve the finest soups from around the world using only the most illegally-sourced ingredients. I'll call it...

Bisquey Business

Heard of the Fibonacci soup?

Apparently , the ingredients are :
Yesterday's soup and day before yesterday's soup.
Price : $1.61

What do you call an Australian that liked soup

(Likes soup)

A more-supial.
.
.
.
I’ll leave now

Man is eating a soup in a restaurant.

He has to go to the toilet so he leaves a note : " I've spit in it".

After he comes back, there's another note : "Me too".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

For an old man's 98th birthday,

his 3 grandsons paid for a hooker and sent her to his home. When the old fella opened the door he asked what a pretty girl like her was doing at his home. She replied "I was sent here as a gift to you" The old man asked "What is it that you do?" Hooker says "Im well known for my super blowjobs" Gra...

What kind of soup do computers eat?

RAMen.

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen....

.....Ungrateful bleeders, all I said was,
'Hurry up, for Pete's sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'

My Mom Tried To Force Feed Me Alphabet Soup, Saying “I Loved It”

I Hate It When People Put Words In My Mouth

A turtle walks into a restaurant and orders a soup.

"Sorry," says the waiter, "we don't serve a turtle soup here."

I went to a Vietnamese soup shop and ordered their top-selling soup.

Me: Is this soup acidic?

Waitress: Yes, because it's pH0.

What's worse than finding a fly in you soup?

Getting hit by a bus

What do racist cannibals like to add to their soup?

A handful of crackers.

Basil works so well in soup!

It's sup'erb

A famous restaurant critic is eating soup at a fancy restaurant.

This critic was well-known in the industry for his arrogance and rudeness, as well as his overall sloppiness. So it came as no surprise when mid-course he dropped his spoon on the floor, and angrily gestured to get a waiter's attention. When a waiter approached, the critic noticed a spoon tucked in ...

Did you hear about the dyslexic guy who tried to order wonton soup?

He never got served. He kept saying "notnow"

My grocery store always has a few items on sale and today they had cheese and soup so I had to buy it

It was a souper gouda deal

What do you call someone who pretends to like Vietnamese soup but really doesn't?

A phony

"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup."

The waiter replies, "So sorry, sir. I'll take care of that," and puts a spider in the soup.

"Hopefully this won't take long."

A Frenchman, an Italian and a Jewish man die and go to heaven....

An angel ushers the Frenchman into a room filled with every French delicacy imaginable and instructs him - you can eat whatever you want, but if you eat anything from this table, at 5:00 a boiling pot of French onion soup will be wheeled in and you're going in it.

The Frenchman thinks for a ...

I was eating soup one day outside my favorite restaurant and it started raining..

Took me hours to finish my meal.

My friend stirs soup with his left hand.

But I stir soup with a spoon.

I wrote a program that figures out if soup is made from scratch or from a cube

It returns a bouillon Boolean.

A redneck mom puts shotgun shells in the family soup by mistake...

A redneck mom puts shotgun shells in the family soup by mistake...

At any rate, the family had nothing else they could eat, so they ate the soup as it was.

The next day in the morning, mom checked the baby's diaper. Shotgun pellets were apparent in the fecal matter.

The kinderga...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a sexy soup kitchen?

A brothel

ISIS has reportedly starting putting bombs in cans of alphabet soup

If any go off, it could spell disaster

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