UPJOKE
brothstewdisheggfoodchicken soupvegetablemeatbouillonbisquegazpachochowdercreamsaladpasta

I ate four cans of alphabet soup

I later took the biggest vowel movement ever

My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid

She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.

I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth

What is the heaviest soup?

Won Ton soup.

What do you say to the soup that asks if you can take it out of the pantry.

“Sure, Can”

Why do East Africans never finish their alphabet soup?

Because they only eat e o p a

Me: Waiter, My soup is cold

Waiter: It's Borscht

Me: Borscht, My soup is cold

I had vegan soup

it was soup herb

Its bad enough I'm bulimic, but today, after vomiting up my alphabet soup...

I discovered I'm also dyslexic!

You’ve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for....

Times new ramen!

I bought a warehouse full of soup stock

Now I'm a bouillonaire

My dad used to make homemade chicken soup that he'd call 'Chicken Napolean'

...because he made it from the 'bony parts'.

I love potato leek soup

So I'm gathering my ingredients and as I approach the leafy items in produce there are two blue hairs gabbing right in front of the leeks.

I pause politely while wide balling the ladies with gaping eyes.

"Uh, pardon me ladies but I must take a leek."

There is this Vietnamese restaurant near my place that serves really good soup

It's really popular though, so one time I had to wait a whole hour just to go in, and by the time it was my turn, they ran out of soup. It was a really huge pho-queue.

Where can you buy soup in bulk?

The stock market.

A man calls over a waiter during his meal 'There is a fly swimming in my soup!'

'Look on the bright side Sir' replied the waiter 'If the portions weren't so generous he'd be wading'

What do you eat with duck soup?

Quackers.

Waiter, there's a neutron in my soup.

That'll be no extra charge sir.

Me: Waiter! My soup is cold!

Waiter: Sir, it’s gazpacho

Me: sigh….Fine. Gazpacho, my soup is cold.

What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?

You can mash potatoes.

I made a concoction with half part laxatives and 4 parts alphabet soup...

I call it Letter Rip.

What kind of soup is hard to read?

Dyslexabet soup.

Why does a space rock make the best rock soup?

# Because its a little meteor.

My local soup kitchen is looking for volunteers for their next Pasta Dinner..

I'll check my colander and set aside some thyme for it.

Irish bean soup

(Read in an Irish accent for effect)

An Irish mam and her wee lad were sitting in the kitchen as she taught him to make her famous Irish bean soup.

"Now son," she explained, "what really makes a bean soup is how many beans you use. More is better, but you must remember: never, NEVER p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Russian Banks and my ass have in common?

We're both having liquidity crises right now.

I'm feeling slightly sick, please send soup and crackers.

When Love Fades......

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's lovely voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner, my Love. . . Chicken, beef or lamb?"

I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having soup, a\*\*hole. I was talking to the c...

Why did the frog complain to the manager at a restaurant?

There wasn't a fly in his soup

What font does alphabet soup use?

Times New Ramen.



*Credit for this goes to Kim Komando. I heard it on the radio earlier today.*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Soup or sex

For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”

After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scotsman are all eating soup at a restaurant

The Irishman notices a fly in his soup. He scoops out the fly, shrugs, and goes on eating without giving it a second thought.

The Englishman notices a fly in his soup. He turns up his nose disgustedly, and signals for the waiter to come take the soup away.

The Scotsman notices a fly in...

How many beans does it take to make Irish bean soup?

239. Because one more would make it too farty

I spelled "I take back what I said" in a bowl of alphabet soup

I ate those words

A famous Vietnamese chef named Quan Si Ho was opening a restaurant, but couldn’t decide what to name it.

His brother Bao Ho told him: “It’s trendy to name restaurants after their best dish and the name of the chef.”

“Oh really?” said Quan.

“Yeah,” Bao said. “Like LB Steak, or Pizza Angelo. You could call yours ‘Ho Noodles’ or ‘Soup by Quan Si.’”

“That’s it!” said Quan. “I’ve thoug...

A guy goes to a restaurant and orders soup,

Guy: "waiter what is this fly doing in my soup?"
*waiter looks at soup*: "it appears to be drowning sir "

There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul.

Even if it’s cold. Over ice. With a celery stalk. And vodka

A man orders a tomato soup at a restaurant..

As soon as waiter brings the soup he started yelling at waiter and ask him to taste the soup.

Waiter "sorry sir we're not allowed to do that. I will bring you another one."

He still kept yelling at him and asked him to taste the soup.

Waiter was nervous by now so he told the ma...

My work offered to fund my retirement account in soup exclusively...

...I'm the first person to have a Broth IRA.

A man and a Woman were approaching their 50th wedding anniversary.

To celebrate, the woman decided she would cook a big dinner for her husband.
Then he said they should do what they did on their wedding night, and eat at the dinner table naked. The woman agreed.

On their anniversary night, at the table,
the woman says: “Honey, my nipples are as ...

Imagine the greatest blues saxophonist and the best jazz guitarist go for dinner, who pays?

Neither. You don't have to pay at the soup kitchen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You really expect me to wait in this long ass line just for Vietnamese soup?

That’s a big Pho Queue

What do you call the fear of Vietnamese soup noodles?

pho-bia

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The local hot shot had never lost a drag race.

He had a souped up little dragster he pieced together himself. It was an old Honda, sure, but this guy had tuned it to perfection. Not only that, he'd squeezed every ounce of horsepower out of it possible: straight pipes, turbo, the works.

There's a straightaway on a back road where all the l...

What do the police do if you steal soup?

They arrestew.

How to Order Soup

A man sits down at a restaurant and looks at the menu. He tells the waiter, "I think I will have the turtle soup."
The waiter leaves, but the man changes his mind to pea soup. He yells to the waiter, "Hold the turtle, make it pea!"

How do you make a potato leek soup?

Fill a potato with soup, then poke a hole in it.

Famished and in the mood to try a new restaurant, a man goes to a new French restaueanr and orders the soup.

After a few mins, the waiter arrives with the man's soup, and places it in front of him. The man notices that the waiter's thumb was in his soup, but was too hungry to say anything. The man arte the soup, and returned with friends the following night.
Having enjoyed the soup so much, the man orde...

I ate an expired can of alphabet soup...

Now I have severe cramps in my vowels and I've been in-consonant all day

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A elderly couple want to spice up their second life

They decide that the woman will take control for that evening.

She pushes the man to the bed and tells him to wait there while she gets changed in the bathroom.

She comes out a few minutes later wearing nothing but a cape, she stands there and yells SUPER VAGINA

The man replies ...

Bachelor shopping

A man, enjoying bachelorhood while his wife was away visiting her parents, lived like a typical bachelor, living on whatever was in the pantry.

Cauliflower in the fridge? Fry them with the eggs found there and that's lunch and dinner. Don't want to cook? Open up the cans of soup in the pantry...

When I went to the park today, I saw an old man sitting on a park bench crying.

I asked him what was wrong.

He replied, "I have a beautiful 22 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every morning, and then gets up and makes me pancakes, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."

I asked, "Well then, why are you crying?"

He says, "She makes my favourite lunch...

A young novice joins a Silent Monastery. He is permitted to speak two words every 10 years.

After the first Decade he is admitted to the Abbot's study, sits across from him at his desk, and says: "Soup cold". After the second Decade, he does the same and says: "Bed hard". Once thirty years have passed, he stands at the threshold and declares: "I'm leaving"! Whereupon the Abbot slowly looks...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I drank some primordial soup

Now I have butterflies in my stomach.

My wife keeps telling me that soup is better with flavour cubes.

I don’t put too much stock in that.

An Angry man went to the store to return a thermos.

The cashier asked what was wrong with it.

“Well” said the man “it’s supposed to keep cool things cool”

“Yep”

“And hot things hot”

“Exactly”

“Well it doesn’t work. I put a cup of hot soup and 2 scoops of ice cream in here, and when I took them out they were ruined...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teenager was hungry and his mother told him to go find something in the kitchen to eat.

After banging around for a few minutes, he yelled "There isn't shit to eat in this house!"

His father heard this and went into the kitchen saying "First of all, watch your language. Second of all, there is lots to eat if you just look. He took his son to the pantry and pointed things out. "Se...

Why is life like a bowl of soup?

Because the only way you will get blown is if you are hot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Bidens went out to a restaurant.

The waiter serving them asked Jill Biden for her order first.
"To start, I'll have the french onion soup. Then the prime rib, medium-rare, with a baked potato, with butter and sour cream."
"Excellent, Doctor. What about the vegetable?"
"Oh, he'll have the same thing."


(...

A bird walks into a restaurant, order and gets a bowl of soup.

After a minute, the bird angrily calls the waiter :

\- Waiter! There is no fly in my soup!

What's the difference between a toilet bowl and a soup bowl?

If you had to click to find out, I'm never having soup at your place.

Did you know miso soup was made by a hungry chef?

He was sitting in his kitchen and said "Me so hungry"





Credit: my dad

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats in common with spinach soup and butts3x ?

If you were forced to try it as a kid chances are you won't like it as an adult

Thumb in the soup at the restaurant

A man goes to a restaurant with his wife. They look at the menu and order some starters and two soups. After placing their orders they start to notice something strange: there is only one waiter and he puts his thumb in the soups of the other customers when he carries them to the tables. The man and...

What's a soup spoon's favorite sport?

Bowling.

What do you call it when Chinese soup almost falls off a table?

Wonton endangerment.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a restaurant where they let you stick your dick in the soup?

A broth-el

Went to dinner last night at a restaurant, and there was a fly in my soup.

I wouldn't have normally minded, but the zipper broke my tooth.

Brand new kid-approved koala joke

My kids think this dad joke is genius and so do I.

Q. What do you call a koala that really loves Chicken & Stars?

>!A. A MORE-SOUP-ial. !<

I was chopping up some leftover dumplings from my soup at a Chinese restaurant when suddenly it hit me...

I was engaging in acts of wonton destruction.

I don't want to go to school

"Dad, I don't want to go to school

today." said the boy.

"Why not, son?"

\-"Well, one of the chickens on the

school farm died last week and we had

chicken soup for lunch the next day.

Then three days ago one of the pigs

died and we had roast pork the<...

A German couple has a baby...

For 4 years he makes no sound, does not speak. Then one day the mother gives him soup, he says “This soup is cold.” The parents are amazed and ask “If you can talk, why have you not spoken before?” The child replies “Up to now everything has been satisfactory!”

"Waiter, why do I have a hearing aid in my soup?"

“Excuse me, what?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was volunteering at a soup kitchen buttering the rolls, but they threw me out for having a dry cough

I’m a bit confused why they asked me to leave - they said I was a super spreader?

Waiter waiter there’s a fly in my soup!

Waiter: “Don’t worry Sir, the spider in your salad will get it.”.

My wife is involved in the humanitarian aid…

- “My wife is involved in the humanitarian aid. She cooks soup for homeless people in our city.”
- “And is she good at it?”
- “Oh boy, definitely! Half of the homeless rather found a job already!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mother serves a creamy yellow soup to her son and his girlfriend at the dinner tablr

Everyone begins consuming it immediately. The girlfriend, an aspiring theater actress, says to her boyfriend’s mother, “This soup is absolutely delicious! What’s the secret ingredient?”

“Piss,” replied his mother.

Everyone promptly spits out their soup.

“Excuse me?” asks his ...

Got fired on the first day as a waiter.

Turns out the customer wasn't asking for pee soup.

I ordered 2000 lbs. of chinese soup.

It was Won Ton.

The best soup stock is made by boiling chicken feet for hours and hours

After all, it's made from scratch.

An American visits a Restaurant in Spain

When his order arrives he becomes furious...

"Waiter!!! Why is my soup so cold??"

"Sir, it's Gazpacho"

"Ok Gazpacho why is my soup so cold?"

Chicken soup is healthy for you.

As long as you’re not the chicken.

Fun fact! Irish soups only use 239 beans

If they used one more, it would be two-fahrty...

What is the most acidic soup?

Ph0

I'm starting a protest against the evil capitalist structure promoted by Vietnamese soup salesmen.

We are Anti-Pho

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde is on her first day at her first job...

...and the lunch break rolls around. The blonde joins her team at a table and pulls out a big thermos. The other employees think this is a little bit odd so they ask her about it.

"I heard about these thermoses and I thought it would be a good way to bring my lunch to work - they keep hot thi...

What is an Asian Canadian's preferred soup?

Miso Sorry

Would you like the soup or salad?

Oh, that sounds much too big for me. I’ll just have the regular-sized salad, thank you!

A man at a restaurant ordered a soup

The waitress brings it out and the man just sat there, not even having the soup he ordered. The waitress notices him not eating and a few minutes later she approaches him and asked "Is everything alright with the food?" And he just replied "try it" and she refused saying "sir it's against company po...

What’s a canibal’s favourite soup?

Vegetable soup

Dad, are bugs ok to eat?

"That's disgusting, don't ever talk about that over dinner"

After dinner, dad asks

"What was that all about?"

"There was a bug in your soup, it's now gone"

Two guys always order the noodle soup at “Kyoto soup restaurant”

Two guys always order the noodle soup at “Kyoto soup restaurant”. Every time they order the soup the same person always serves them.
“Hey ching chong hurry up will you” the first man always says. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup ...

And shit out a statement smarter than the one you just made.

A woman goes into a restaurant for her lunch break.

She sees a man sitting at a table, alone with his bowl of tomato soup. Politely she asks him: "Excuse me, sir, is this seat taken? Mind if I join you?" He answers: "No problem, ma'am. But I have to warn you, I'm a very messy eater!" She smiles and sits down, and says: "Then it was a good idea to wea...

My second joke: The 10 year old cannibal spilled his soup,

So his mother gave him and earful.

A man is eating at a restaurant, when he notices there's a spider in his soup. He calls over the waiter and complains.

"I'm deeply sorry, sir" the waiter replies "but the fly asked to take the day off".

I invested in a soup manufacturer. I asked them what the stock options were.

They said chicken or vegetable

Just had donkey soup

Taste like ass

How do you make gold soup?

Add 24 carrots

I used to work in a powdered soup factory, until I started coughing up little cubes of tofu...

I was forced to retire, after being diagnosed with Miso-thelioma.

A man orders soup at a restaurant.

The waiter brings the soup, the man doesn't eat, he asks the waiter to taste:
-Is there anything wrong sir?
-No just taste it.
-I can change it for you
-I want you to taste it!
-But..
-Do it!
-Ok, where's the spoon?
-Exactly, go bring me a spoon!

Tonight, I’m making soup from a Himalayan opossum.

I found Himalayan in the road.

what do u call a strong soup?

s0uperior

Can someone help me with my vegetable soup?

I can’t seem to fit the wheelchair into the pot.

How do make a chickpea soup?

You can’t. The closest you can hope for is for her to have diarrhea.

A man orders soup at the restaraunt, but as soon as it arrives, it becomes apparent something is very wrong with his meal.

He flags down his waiter.

"Excuse me waiter, could you please taste my soup?"

The waiter gives the man a strange look.

"Is something wrong with your soup, sir?"

The man shakes his head,

"Please taste the soup, waiter."

The waiter gets flustered, he told the ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.