I’ve combined alphabet soup with a laxative...

I call it LETTER RIP

How to Order Soup

A man sits down at a restaurant and looks at the menu. He tells the waiter, "I think I will have the turtle soup."
The waiter leaves, but the man changes his mind to pea soup. He yells to the waiter, "Hold the turtle, make it pea!"

Why did the Irishman only use 239 beans in his soup?

Because one more would be too farty.

Went to dinner last night at a restaurant, and there was a fly in my soup.

I wouldn't have normally minded, but the zipper broke my tooth.

I ate an expired can of alphabet soup...

Now I have severe cramps in my vowels and I've been in-consonant all day

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Can't go wrong with soup

For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”

I pushed that soup ladle as hard as I could...

...caused quite a stir.

What's a soup spoon's favorite sport?

Bowling.

I fed my mailbox alphabet soup.

It was hungry for letters.

You’ve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for....

Times new ramen!

Did you know miso soup was made by a hungry chef?

He was sitting in his kitchen and said "Me so hungry"





Credit: my dad

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An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scotsman are all eating soup at a restaurant

The Irishman notices a fly in his soup. He scoops out the fly, shrugs, and goes on eating without giving it a second thought.

The Englishman notices a fly in his soup. He turns up his nose disgustedly, and signals for the waiter to come take the soup away.

The Scotsman notices a fly in...

What’s the best thing about Oasis soup?

You get a roll with it.

what's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.

What's the difference between someone that collects stamps and the tally that Prince Phillip keeps of all the gravy and soup related silverware?

One's a philatelist and the other's a Phil ladle list.

My friend asked me if I wanted to go to a Vietnamese Soup-making Demonstration

I said, “Pho Sho!”

A bird walks into a restaurant, order and gets a bowl of soup.

After a minute, the bird angrily calls the waiter :

\- Waiter! There is no fly in my soup!

My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid

She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.

I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth

I bought a warehouse full of soup stock

Now I'm a bouillonaire

Paintings from Andy Warhol’s infamous “Campbell’s Soup” series were stolen

When they're caught, they will be put away for m'm! m'm! good.

I made fake Vietnamese soup.

It was faux pho.

Waiter waiter there’s a fly in my soup!

Waiter: “Don’t worry Sir, the spider in your salad will get it.”.

What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?

Anybody can mash potatoes.

Where can you buy soup in bulk?

The stock market.

I ate five cans of alphabet soup yesterday.

Then, I easily had the biggest vowel movement ever.

Being a man is like being a bowl of soup.

You only get blown if you're hot.

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I was volunteering at a soup kitchen buttering the rolls, but they threw me out for having a dry cough

I’m a bit confused why they asked me to leave - they said I was a super spreader?

Can someone help me with my vegetable soup?

I can’t seem to fit the wheelchair into the pot.

The best soup stock is made by boiling chicken feet for hours and hours

After all, it's made from scratch.

I had to wait in line for a bowl of Vietnamese soup

That’s it, no joke. Don’t like it? Pho queue.

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I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup ...

And shit out a statement smarter than the one you just made.

I was chopping up some leftover dumplings from my soup at a Chinese restaurant when suddenly it hit me...

I was engaging in acts of wonton destruction.

Two guys always order the noodle soup at “Kyoto soup restaurant”

Two guys always order the noodle soup at “Kyoto soup restaurant”. Every time they order the soup the same person always serves them.
“Hey ching chong hurry up will you” the first man always says. ...

What is the most acidic soup?

Ph0

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A mother serves a creamy yellow soup to her son and his girlfriend at the dinner tablr

Everyone begins consuming it immediately. The girlfriend, an aspiring theater actress, says to her boyfriend’s mother, “This soup is absolutely delicious! What’s the secret ingredient?”

“Piss,” replied his mother.

Everyone promptly spits out their soup.

“Excuse me?” asks his ...

Chicken soup is healthy for you.

As long as you’re not the chicken.

I invested in a soup manufacturer. I asked them what the stock options were.

They said chicken or vegetable

What is an Asian Canadian's preferred soup?

Miso Sorry

Bob: Waiter, would you please come here?

Waiter: Yes sir, how may I help you?
Bob: Try the soup
Waiter: Is there something wrong sir? Because if so, we can replace the soup
Bob: Just try it
Waiter: Okay, where's the spoon?
Bob: Exactly.

I'm starting a protest against the evil capitalist structure promoted by Vietnamese soup salesmen.

We are Anti-Pho

Fun fact! Irish soups only use 239 beans

If they used one more, it would be two-fahrty...

My second joke: The 10 year old cannibal spilled his soup,

So his mother gave him and earful.

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A man was eating at a restaurant ...

When he noticed all the servers had spoons in their pocket.

Curious, he asked his server “why do all of you carry spoons?”

“Oh that’s interesting,” replied the server. “Our manager attended a seminar and found out the spoon is the most frequently dropped utensil. This way we are alway...

There's a fly in my soup !

Man on holiday in Paris goes to a restaurant and orders his dinner. When the soup arrives he finds a fly in the soup.
He calls the waiter over, and mustering his best French says:
Garcon, voici le mouche !
The waiter looks at the soup for a moment and then replies (in his best En...

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A man orders soup in a restaurant...

When the waiter delivers the soup, the man notices the waiter has his thumb immersed in the soup.

Man: WTH, why is your thumb in my soup?!?

Waiter: Well sir, I have a huge boil on my finger and I was told to apply heat so it could heal faster.

Man: YOU SHOULD TAKE THAT FINGER AN...

How do make a chickpea soup?

You can’t. The closest you can hope for is for her to have diarrhea.

A man is eating at a restaurant, when he notices there's a spider in his soup. He calls over the waiter and complains.

"I'm deeply sorry, sir" the waiter replies "but the fly asked to take the day off".

Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man soup in a plate?

Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away.

A man at a restaurant ordered a soup

The waitress brings it out and the man just sat there, not even having the soup he ordered. The waitress notices him not eating and a few minutes later she approaches him and asked "Is everything alright with the food?" And he just replied "try it" and she refused saying "sir it's against company po...

Dinner

So, I’m having dinner with my Uncle at this chic restaurant. As he closed the menu shut, he says to the waitstaff “I’ll have the turtle soup and make it snappy!”

What's the difference between a toilet bowl and a soup bowl?

If you had to click to find out, I'm never having soup at your place.

Would you like the soup or salad?

Oh, that sounds much too big for me. I’ll just have the regular-sized salad, thank you!

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Birthday Gift for old man

So this old man is sitting in his condo in Boca and his doorbell rings and he goes to the door to see a gorgeous young woman and she says, “your friends all chipped in and sent me as a gift for you for an evening of super sex!”

So he thinks for a second and asks, “So what’s the soup?”

How do you make gold soup?

Add 24 carrots

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A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man...

What’s a canibal’s favourite soup?

Vegetable soup

A man walks into a restaurant

He asks the waiter for the best food available.

**The waiter brings him a soup of beans**

The man starts drinking but stopped once he saw a tiny hair

_Hey, waiter! What's that on my soup?_

**Then the waiter responds:**

_It fell off the Bean's sack_

The man t...

An elderly couple are having dinner at a restaurant ....

An elderly couple are having dinner at their favorite 4 star restaurant when a gorgeous blonde walks up says "Hey babY!" , plants a kiss on the mans cheek and walks away .

His wife looks over at him and says "Who was that ?"

The man calmly replies" oh her ? That's my mistress"
...

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I visited a cannibal restaurant during my time in the South Pacific.

On the menu I saw there was missionary soup for $5. Below it was politician soup for $1000.

So I asked the waiter, "why's the politician soup so expensive?"

And he said to me "you ever tried to clean one of the bastards?"

How does a neckbeard serve the soup?

With M'ladle

What do you call it when the chicken overpowers the noodles?

Soup d'etat.

Just had donkey soup

Taste like ass

I recently saw on the news they caught the man who robbed a Campbell’s soup truck...

I hope they they lock him up for mmmmm...good

what do u call a strong soup?

s0uperior

What's the difference between ramen soup and an Oscar-bait movie?

You watch one for three minutes, stirring occasionally. You watch the other for three hours and it's occasionally stirring.

Tonight I'm going to have possum soup made from Himalayan possum...

... because I found Himalayan on the road.

What is it called when an injured man dies from food poisoning?

Soup de grace.

I used to work in a powdered soup factory, until I started coughing up little cubes of tofu...

I was forced to retire, after being diagnosed with Miso-thelioma.

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I was in the supermarket the other day and there was a girl in front of me at the checkout, she had one apple, one pear, one toothbrush, one cup o noodle, and one can of soup.

I leaned over and said, "You're single arent you.."

She says, "Yes, but how did you know?"

I said, "Because you're ugly as fuck!"

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I wrote this one a few years ago

A priest, Father John Mclanahan is walking down the street when he bumps into an old friend, Rabbi John Goldman. They haven’t seen each other since college. They happen to be heading to the same part of town, so they decide to walk together and catch up on old times. They reminisce about their frien...

My family and I got takeout and we got wonton soup but we needed one more

so now we have twoton soup.

A kid once asked his father during dinner, "Dad, is eating flies healthy for you?"

The dad, disgusted, quickly replied, "hush now son, we don't discuss things like that over dinner. Ask me later."

Afterwards, the dad approached his son and asked him, "now, remind me of what you wanted to ask again?"

The son replied, "oh don't worry about it now dad. There was a fly f...

I wanted to tell a joke about soup kitchens.

But it was in poor taste.

A man orders soup at a restaurant.

The waiter brings the soup, the man doesn't eat, he asks the waiter to taste:
-Is there anything wrong sir?
-No just taste it.
-I can change it for you
-I want you to taste it!
-But..
-Do it!
-Ok, where's the spoon?
-Exactly, go bring me a spoon!

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What did the Japanese person yell after they got liquified?

Miso soup!

How can you tell the difference between a can of soup and a can of baked beans?

Read the label.

What do you call a possum that goes back for seconds on soup

A more-soupial

Steve likes Flowers

Every week, he goes to a different florist in his city, and buys a different kind of flower, trying to find what looks and smells best. On this occasion, however, he struggles to find one that fits his vibe for the week. Seeing his struggle, the young florist walks up.

"Hi!" She says with a ...

How did Miso soup get its name?

Miso hungry....

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A guest dining in a classy restaurant drops his spoon before finishing his soup. (Nsfw)

Before he could reach down to pick it up, a server was already standing next to him holding a replacement.
"Wow! That was tremendously fast. The service here is impeccable. How did you do that?."
"Well, all of the servers here have an extra piece of cutlery on their tray at all times just...

A long time ago, on the Island of Tridia,

A group of peculiar people dwelled in peace. They were a small, peace-loving group of individuals. They were peculiar for several reasons: they were all extremely short, the tallest of them coming to a whopping meter in height; they were zealously religious, but they had no particular religion; and ...

A man orders soup at the restaraunt, but as soon as it arrives, it becomes apparent something is very wrong with his meal.

He flags down his waiter.

"Excuse me waiter, could you please taste my soup?"

The waiter gives the man a strange look.

"Is something wrong with your soup, sir?"

The man shakes his head,

"Please taste the soup, waiter."

The waiter gets flustered, he told the ...

I called in an order of wonton soup, but I guess they misunderstood me.

On an unrelated note, I'm opening a soup kitchen.

What should you do if your soup is too hot?

Add a chilly pepper.

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An old man is sitting alone on his birthday in a retirement home when he hears a knock at the door

He opens it to find a beautiful woman, immodestly dressed, smiling at him. She says, "I hear it's your birthday. Your friends here have hired me to give you super sex."

"I'm sure you're very good at what you do, miss," the man says. "But at my age, I'll take the soup."

A man walks into a restaurant and orders a soup.

Shortly after he gets it he calls the waiter

Waiter: Yes Sir, how can I help you?

Man: Can you please taste the soup?

Waiter: Why? What's wrong with it?

Man: Please taste the soup!

Waiter: I can replace it if there's anything wrong with it!

Man: Taste the so...

Q: You know how to eat soup with chopsticks?

A: put them down and pick up the bowl.

Waiter! Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!

Well, that's the last time we get the tailor to cook the food.

I went to a Vietnamese food truck at lunch to order my favourite soup...

But there was a huge line and I was in a rush. It was kind of a pho queue.

Alphabet Soup?

More like Times New Ramen, amirite?



(Not OC, but one of my favorite one-liners and haven’t seen it posted in this sub)

I was at a restaurant, and spilled soup on my jeans.

I called for there server: "Waitress, there's soup in my fly"

A chef made my soup in a rush and I asked "Why didn't you add any herbs and spices?"

He said "Sorry, I didn't have the thyme".

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders a bowl of tomato soup

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of soup is still full. He asks, "Are you going to have that soup?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".

He slides the bowl over and he...

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I was out for a walk the other night and I was approached by a very scantily clad young lady who asked me if I would like some super sex.

"If it's all the same to you", I replied, "I'll just have the soup".

What’s 2000lbs of Chinese soup called?

Won-ton soup!

My cousin's allergic to shellfish, and I laughed as I told him I put shrimp in his soup.

You should've seen his reaction....

The banquet manager was walking by holding a hot bowl of soup...

She said "hot stuff coming through"

I responded "oh? What are you carrying then?"

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A woman checking out at the register of the grocery store puts bacon, milk, frozen peas, butter, and a can of soup on the conveyor belt. The man behind her in line see all this and says: “You must be single.” “Why, yes, I am, how did you know?” she asks.

“Cause you’re the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen in my entire life,” he says.

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