Its bad enough I'm bulimic, but today, after vomiting up my alphabet soup...

I discovered I'm also dyslexic!

I ate four cans of alphabet soup

I later took the biggest vowel movement ever

What is the difference between a roast chicken and a pea soup?

Everybody can roast a chicken.

Me: Waiter! My soup is cold!

Waiter: Sir, it’s gazpacho

Me: sigh….Fine. Gazpacho, my soup is cold.

I bought a warehouse full of soup stock

Now I'm a bouillonaire

Where can you buy soup in bulk?

The stock market.

What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?

You can mash potatoes.

Famished and in the mood to try a new restaurant, a man goes to a new French restaueanr and orders the soup.

After a few mins, the waiter arrives with the man's soup, and places it in front of him. The man notices that the waiter's thumb was in his soup, but was too hungry to say anything. The man arte the soup, and returned with friends the following night.
Having enjoyed the soup so much, the man orde...

I spelled "I take back what I said" in a bowl of alphabet soup

I ate those words

A customer asks the waiter what the soup of the day is

The waiter replies, “sage and onion.”
So then the customer says genonion

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A elderly couple want to spice up their second life

They decide that the woman will take control for that evening.

She pushes the man to the bed and tells him to wait there while she gets changed in the bathroom.

She comes out a few minutes later wearing nothing but a cape, she stands there and yells SUPER VAGINA

The man replies ...

What font does alphabet soup use?

Times New Ramen.



*Credit for this goes to Kim Komando. I heard it on the radio earlier today.*

Thumb in the soup at the restaurant

A man goes to a restaurant with his wife. They look at the menu and order some starters and two soups. After placing their orders they start to notice something strange: there is only one waiter and he puts his thumb in the soups of the other customers when he carries them to the tables. The man and...

A guy goes to a restaurant and orders soup,

Guy: "waiter what is this fly doing in my soup?"
*waiter looks at soup*: "it appears to be drowning sir "

My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid

She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.

I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scotsman are all eating soup at a restaurant

The Irishman notices a fly in his soup. He scoops out the fly, shrugs, and goes on eating without giving it a second thought.

The Englishman notices a fly in his soup. He turns up his nose disgustedly, and signals for the waiter to come take the soup away.

The Scotsman notices a fly in...

How many beans does it take to make Irish bean soup?

239. Because one more would make it too farty

My work offered to fund my retirement account in soup exclusively...

...I'm the first person to have a Broth IRA.

A man orders a tomato soup at a restaurant..

As soon as waiter brings the soup he started yelling at waiter and ask him to taste the soup.

Waiter "sorry sir we're not allowed to do that. I will bring you another one."

He still kept yelling at him and asked him to taste the soup.

Waiter was nervous by now so he told the ma...

How do you make a potato leek soup?

Fill a potato with soup, then poke a hole in it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Soup or sex

For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”

After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”

What do you call the fear of Vietnamese soup noodles?

pho-bia

My mom made me a bowl of soup yesterday

Still trying to figure out how to return to my human form.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You really expect me to wait in this long ass line just for Vietnamese soup?

That’s a big Pho Queue

A German couple has a baby...

For 4 years he makes no sound, does not speak. Then one day the mother gives him soup, he says “This soup is cold.” The parents are amazed and ask “If you can talk, why have you not spoken before?” The child replies “Up to now everything has been satisfactory!”

Why did the cannibals go to the crematorium?

To get a cup of instant soup

What do the police do if you steal soup?

They arrestew.

I ate an expired can of alphabet soup...

Now I have severe cramps in my vowels and I've been in-consonant all day

There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul.

Even if it’s cold. Over ice. With a celery stalk. And vodka

How to Order Soup

A man sits down at a restaurant and looks at the menu. He tells the waiter, "I think I will have the turtle soup."
The waiter leaves, but the man changes his mind to pea soup. He yells to the waiter, "Hold the turtle, make it pea!"

A great tragedy befalls the USSR

At a Central Committee meeting dozens of high ranking officials were accidentally killed, poisoned with toxic mushrooms in their soup.
The investigation team arrives at the scene. It was horrific, some had scratched their throats deeply, other lay with foam at they mouth or bloodshot eyes.
Bu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I drank some primordial soup

Now I have butterflies in my stomach.

Why is life like a bowl of soup?

Because the only way you will get blown is if you are hot.

My wife keeps telling me that soup is better with flavour cubes.

I don’t put too much stock in that.

Did you boys ever hear of the planet where the inhabitants were mobile flowers?

Remarkably similar to Earthly blossoms, but they had feet and human intelligence.

The whole planet was ruled by a king called Richard the Artichoke-Heart, and one day at a court orgy his eye was caught by Fuchsia, a pale-eyed perennial. Her beauty was so great it almost made up for her stupi...

What do you call it when Chinese soup almost falls off a table?

Wonton endangerment.

A bird walks into a restaurant, order and gets a bowl of soup.

After a minute, the bird angrily calls the waiter :

\- Waiter! There is no fly in my soup!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats in common with spinach soup and butts3x ?

If you were forced to try it as a kid chances are you won't like it as an adult

What's a soup spoon's favorite sport?

Bowling.

Viet namese restaurants

It was so busy when I went for soup I had to stand in a pho queue

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a restaurant where they let you stick your dick in the soup?

A broth-el

"Waiter, why do I have a hearing aid in my soup?"

“Excuse me, what?”

My roommate is incredibly superstitious..

When he made breakfast, he yelled "Look at this! My Alpha-Bits are HAUNTED! I took a spoonful and it says 'OOOOOO'!" and I was like, "Dude, those are Cheerios.."

When he made lunch, he yelled "Dude, check this out! My alphabet soup is HAUNTED! I took a spoonful and it says 'OOOOOO'!" and I wa...

Went to dinner last night at a restaurant, and there was a fly in my soup.

I wouldn't have normally minded, but the zipper broke my tooth.

So I went to this Vietnamese Resturaunt

...when I saw some patrons stomp out angrily muttering about someone being rude.  It smelled so good I was undeterred.  There was a soup station where they put it all together in front of you.  I asked the host how.it worked and he pointed and said "pho queue over there"

Are bugs good to eat?

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was volunteering at a soup kitchen buttering the rolls, but they threw me out for having a dry cough

I’m a bit confused why they asked me to leave - they said I was a super spreader?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Holiday Dinner

A Jewish family invited their gentile neighbors for holiday dinner. The first course was set in front of them and the Jewish couple announced, "This is matzoh ball soup." On seeing the two large matzoh balls in the soup, the gentile man was hesitant to taste this strange looking brew. Gently, the Je...

A Girl walks into a Supermarket...

...she picks up a banana, a can of soup, and a loaf of bread. She then walks up to the cash register to pay.


The cashier looks at her, and the items she has and says,


"I can tell you're single."



She smiles and responds,



"How do you know that?"
<...

Eat at Steve's

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
...

I was chopping up some leftover dumplings from my soup at a Chinese restaurant when suddenly it hit me...

I was engaging in acts of wonton destruction.

While visiting London an American.....

While visiting London an American entered a Vietnamese soup restaurant and proceeded directly to the counter to place an order.  A line of customers off to the side began groaning and mumbling.  A man at the front pointed to the back of the line and angrily said "Pho Queue!"

Chicken soup is healthy for you.

As long as you’re not the chicken.

What's the difference between a toilet bowl and a soup bowl?

If you had to click to find out, I'm never having soup at your place.

Waiter waiter there’s a fly in my soup!

Waiter: “Don’t worry Sir, the spider in your salad will get it.”.

The best soup stock is made by boiling chicken feet for hours and hours

After all, it's made from scratch.

Why was there an electric bulb in the cooking pot?

Because it was my first time of making light soup.

Two guys always order the noodle soup at “Kyoto soup restaurant”

Two guys always order the noodle soup at “Kyoto soup restaurant”. Every time they order the soup the same person always serves them.
“Hey ching chong hurry up will you” the first man always says. ...

Two cannibals were having dinner. . .

"Your wife makes a great soup", said one cannibal to the other. "Yes" agreed the first, "But I'm going to miss her badly."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What the tooth fairy looks like

This came from the book “chicken soup for the dental soul” my dentist had it in the waiting room.

I’m quoting from memory.

A 5 year old girl just lost a baby tooth and the dentist was explaining to her that if she put her tooth under the pillow at night that the tooth fairy would come ...

Fun fact! Irish soups only use 239 beans

If they used one more, it would be two-fahrty...

What is the most acidic soup?

Ph0

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mother serves a creamy yellow soup to her son and his girlfriend at the dinner tablr

Everyone begins consuming it immediately. The girlfriend, an aspiring theater actress, says to her boyfriend’s mother, “This soup is absolutely delicious! What’s the secret ingredient?”

“Piss,” replied his mother.

Everyone promptly spits out their soup.

“Excuse me?” asks his ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup ...

And shit out a statement smarter than the one you just made.

I'm starting a protest against the evil capitalist structure promoted by Vietnamese soup salesmen.

We are Anti-Pho

What is an Asian Canadian's preferred soup?

Miso Sorry

My second joke: The 10 year old cannibal spilled his soup,

So his mother gave him and earful.

The Robot Family.

It's a big night for XR-573, the patriarch of the robot family. Not only are all three of his sons going to be over for dinner for the first time in years, but all three of them have brand new fiancées! XR-573 and his wife Z7-271 are both very excited to see their children and learn all about their ...

Elder couple decided to have a meal in a restaurant together

While eating soup, wife spill some and get her blouse dirty. She says to her husband:
- Look at me. I look like a pig.
- Yes, and you also spilled some soup on yourself.

How do you make gold soup?

Add 24 carrots

Can someone help me with my vegetable soup?

I can’t seem to fit the wheelchair into the pot.

A man at a restaurant ordered a soup

The waitress brings it out and the man just sat there, not even having the soup he ordered. The waitress notices him not eating and a few minutes later she approaches him and asked "Is everything alright with the food?" And he just replied "try it" and she refused saying "sir it's against company po...

I invested in a soup manufacturer. I asked them what the stock options were.

They said chicken or vegetable

What’s a canibal’s favourite soup?

Vegetable soup

A man is eating at a restaurant, when he notices there's a spider in his soup. He calls over the waiter and complains.

"I'm deeply sorry, sir" the waiter replies "but the fly asked to take the day off".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a guy walks into a truck stop and orders soup...

It arrives in a few minutes. The waiter has his finger in the soup. As he sets the soup down the guy goes: “Oi!!! What gives with the finger in my soup???”

The waiter replies affably: “Oh, it’s just that I have a cuticle infection and keeping it warm helps.”

“Why in the ever loving fuc...

Would you like the soup or salad?

Oh, that sounds much too big for me. I’ll just have the regular-sized salad, thank you!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was this lady in a retirement home. In her day she was very attractive and had men falling all over her. One day she felt particularly randy, and decided to get a man...

She stripped down naked, did her make up and hair and walked around the retirement home.

She saw 2 old guys sitting on a bench, and walked by repeating Super Sex, Super Sex, Super Sex.

After she left the one old guy said to the other, "I'd rather have the Soup"

Just had donkey soup

Taste like ass

How does a neckbeard serve the soup?

With M'ladle

If life is soup

Then I am fork

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man orders soup in a restaurant...

When the waiter delivers the soup, the man notices the waiter has his thumb immersed in the soup.

Man: WTH, why is your thumb in my soup?!?

Waiter: Well sir, I have a huge boil on my finger and I was told to apply heat so it could heal faster.

Man: YOU SHOULD TAKE THAT FINGER AN...

How do make a chickpea soup?

You can’t. The closest you can hope for is for her to have diarrhea.

what do u call a strong soup?

s0uperior

A man orders soup at a restaurant.

The waiter brings the soup, the man doesn't eat, he asks the waiter to taste:
-Is there anything wrong sir?
-No just taste it.
-I can change it for you
-I want you to taste it!
-But..
-Do it!
-Ok, where's the spoon?
-Exactly, go bring me a spoon!

There's a fly in my soup !

Man on holiday in Paris goes to a restaurant and orders his dinner. When the soup arrives he finds a fly in the soup.
He calls the waiter over, and mustering his best French says:
Garcon, voici le mouche !
The waiter looks at the soup for a moment and then replies (in his best En...

I used to work in a powdered soup factory, until I started coughing up little cubes of tofu...

I was forced to retire, after being diagnosed with Miso-thelioma.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Choices

A man in a nursing facility turned 80. At his party, a large cake was wheeled in, and an escort popped out of the cake and said, "Hey birthday boy, would you like to have some super sex?" And the old man replied, "I guess it depends on what kind of soup."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in the supermarket the other day and there was a girl in front of me at the checkout, she had one apple, one pear, one toothbrush, one cup o noodle, and one can of soup.

I leaned over and said, "You're single arent you.."

She says, "Yes, but how did you know?"

I said, "Because you're ugly as fuck!"

Tonight, I’m making soup from a Himalayan opossum.

I found Himalayan in the road.

A man orders soup at the restaraunt, but as soon as it arrives, it becomes apparent something is very wrong with his meal.

He flags down his waiter.

"Excuse me waiter, could you please taste my soup?"

The waiter gives the man a strange look.

"Is something wrong with your soup, sir?"

The man shakes his head,

"Please taste the soup, waiter."

The waiter gets flustered, he told the ...

I wanted to tell a joke about soup kitchens.

But it was in poor taste.

A man walks into a restaurant and orders a soup.

Shortly after he gets it he calls the waiter

Waiter: Yes Sir, how can I help you?

Man: Can you please taste the soup?

Waiter: Why? What's wrong with it?

Man: Please taste the soup!

Waiter: I can replace it if there's anything wrong with it!

Man: Taste the so...

What’s 2000lbs of Chinese soup called?

Won-ton soup!

I went to a Vietnamese food truck at lunch to order my favourite soup...

But there was a huge line and I was in a rush. It was kind of a pho queue.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guest dining in a classy restaurant drops his spoon before finishing his soup. (Nsfw)

Before he could reach down to pick it up, a server was already standing next to him holding a replacement.
"Wow! That was tremendously fast. The service here is impeccable. How did you do that?."
"Well, all of the servers here have an extra piece of cutlery on their tray at all times just...

Alphabet Soup?

More like Times New Ramen, amirite?



(Not OC, but one of my favorite one-liners and haven’t seen it posted in this sub)

I called in an order of wonton soup, but I guess they misunderstood me.

On an unrelated note, I'm opening a soup kitchen.

What's the difference between ramen soup and an Oscar-bait movie?

You watch one for three minutes, stirring occasionally. You watch the other for three hours and it's occasionally stirring.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.