a caring mother makes her son loafs of bread shaped like batman, to make his sandwiches fun every time. guess what happens when it's in the oven?

the dark knight rises.

At the Last Supper, Jesus got out a loaf of bread and said "this is my body, eat it to remember me." Then Jesus got out a glass of wine and said "this is my blood, drink it to remember me."

Then Jesus got out a jar of mayonnaise and THAT'S when Judas knew this was going too far.

A loaf of bread made an enemy of me.

Now it's toast

I opened a fresh loaf of bread and found a baseball card wedged between two slices.

It was a Catcher in the Rye.

What did one loaf of German bread say to the other?

Gluten tag!

A new guy starts work at a bakery.

He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the superv...

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Jebediah the shepherd wanted to make a statement about bullying and stood up at the town meeting.

"Friends, there is a cruel and unfair practice that is infiltrating our community. You may not have noticed, but it is here and it is doing grave damage to my sense of well being and comfort in our beautiful village.

Perhaps Englebert has noticed? The man who bakes our bread every day, who f...

A duck walked up to a pastry store

And he said to woman running the store

"Hey, got any bread?"

The woman said,

"No we just sell cakes. But they're warm and they're fresh and they're all home-made. Can I get you a few?"

The duck said,

"Cake won't do."

Then he waddled away...

'Til the v...

why did the bread kick the tomato over?

because he loafed him

my girlfriend told my to throw my Meat loaf CDs out

I would do anything for love but I won't do that

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Comrade Stepofsky and Comrade Yuri are standing in a bread line

You know - says stepofsky - this bread line is so long. Every day we wait hours for one measly loaf for a whole family. This is ridiculous! I am going to do something about it

Yeah yeah - mutters Yuri - you talk a big game but you won’t do anything

Next day, Stepofsky returns, even m...

I went to the store to buy a french loaf and the clerk asked me, "how do you want this to be put away?"

I told him "baguette"

The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen".

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

How do you feed 100 people with one loaf of bread?

You cut the ends and now have endless bread.

What do you call a loaf of bread with 1500 horsepower?

A Baguetti

My wife said I had to stop listening to Meat Loaf.

I'd do anything for love, but I won't do that.

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“Back in the day...” my grandfather started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.”

“But today...” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are cameras...”

Just stole a freshly baked loaf of bread.

Call that a hot take.

I saw a man dragging a loaf of bread along the floor so I asked him: 'What breed is it?'

He replied: 'It's pure bread.'

I went to the zoo and saw a loaf of rye in a cage.

The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.

If companies made toasters.

If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You w...

I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread the other day

Then when I looked again it said ‘thick cut’

How do you introduce a loaf of bread to your angry aunt?

Meatloaf croissant

What did the sliced loaf say to the uncliced loaf?

OK bloomer.

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Ryebread

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him 'how do you have so much energy?'

The 87-year-...

Just been to get a loaf of bread at a cost of £1.03 and gave the grumpy looking girl at the till a £20 note.

She said "have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change."

I said "no sorry but I can pay on card if that helps?"

She sarcastically said " of course it would help"

So as a presented my card she said "Cash back?"

I said "Yes please!"

"How much?" She ...

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A man walks into a bakery and asks the store owner if he has a thousand loaves of bread

The owner looked at the man likes he’s crazy and said “sorry we don’t stock that much bread at once”

The man comes in the next day and asks the owner “do you have a thousand loaves of bread?”

The owner replies “I told you already, we don’t stock that much bread at once!”

The sam...

You are like the end piece of a loaf of bread

Everybody touches you but nobody actually wants you.

(LONG) Man walks into bakery, picks out a few loaves of bread, then heads to check-out.

(been a while since I've seen this repost, bear with me)
The clerk is a healthy young lady, and she starts ringing him up. He's been wanting to branch out in his breakfast routine, and asks if she has any recommendations. She points to the top shelf behind her, and says that she really likes th...

I bought a knife than can cut through four loaves of bread at once

It’s a four loaf cleaver

A customer walks into a bakery and orders a loaf of bread. As the baker wraps the loaf, the customer says, "You know, I bake my own bread at home, but they come out dense."

The baker looks up suspiciously and says, "Yeah, prove it."

Baking is a weird profession

Loafing on the job can get you a raise.

New types of sliced loaf aren't invented, or discovered...

They're bread.

A husband and wife at the store realize they’re just a few dollars short to pay for the groceries.

So they decide to remove the bread from their cart. The wife notices no one is looking and shoves the bread in her purse. They pay for the groceries and as they walk out of the store the alarm goes off. Immediately the cops come and search only to find the stolen loaf of bread in the woman’s purse. ...

My friend from Alabama got trapped in a loaf

I always knew he was in bread

Where is the most conflict in a loaf of bread?

The middle yeast

What happens if a redneck bakes himself into a loaf?

He's inbread.

Watching the latest episode of Forged in Fire. In the sharpness test, Doug Marcaida tested how much bread each blade would cut with just one slice...

The winner was so lucky he brought his 4-loaf cleaver.

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Back in my day you could buy 3 gallons of milk, 2 loafs of bread and 6 dozen eggs all for a single dollar.

Nowadays there's too many fucking security cameras.

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[NSFW] A man faces judgement after stealing a loaf of bread.

He is thrown to the floor infront of a Judge, who announces, "The prisoner is to be hung, immediately". The guards pick up the man and drag him out.

A week passes and the same man is thrown infront of the Judge, having been caught stealing more bread.

"GUARDS!!" Shouts the Judge, "Em...

Why did the baker throw a loaf in the trash?

Because he didn't knead it

Did you hear about the Frenchman that got baked into a loaf of bread?

He's in a lot of pain.

Give a man a loaf of bread and he'll eat for a week

Give that same man a fishing pole and he'll die of internal bleeding.

A Tragic Story...

Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of a bushel of grains that could have become whiskey, but didn’t.

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What do you call a French guy with a loaf of bread stuck up his butt?

A pain in the ass.

I have a litter of Pomeranian puppies specifically nurtured to look like a French loaf, 500$ per pupper

Please don’t ask me to go lower on the price, they are *pure bread*

Two Australians are fighting over the last loaf of bread at the supermarket

They're both holding on to the loaf when one of them says:



It's stale mate.

Two missionaries move far away to do the Lords work.

Two missionaries move to a far away place to do the Lords work. The natives aren't very interested in converting, and after a few weeks they are down to begging for change so that they could eat. After a couple of hard luck days of this, they finally gather enough change to buy a loaf of bread.
<...

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brillia...

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A woman is like a loaf of bread...

I eat the butt first.

How do you know a man is a programmer?

Send him shopping and tell him: "Get a loaf of bread and if they have eggs get 10."
If he comes back with 10 loaves of bread, he's a programmer.

What do you call it when a German hits you with a loaf of bread?

Gluten Tag

And when a hippie hits you with a loaf of bread?

Flour power

And when a lot of people do it at the same time?

a rye-ot

A man's waiting in a bread line in the Soviet Union

He's been waiting for hours, but just as he reaches the front of the line, the woman inside says, "sorry, out for today," and slams the door shut.

Naturally, he's apoplectic. He starts shouting- "So this is communism, eh?! I fought in the war against fascism, I've worked for the state my wh...

I made bread last night,

and I have been loafing around ever since.

Where does Mr. Loaf sleep?

In his Bread! XD

A time traveler comes back from the year 2045

I encountered a time traveler today. During my self isolation he came to the door dressed in a hazmat suit. I was of course alarmed when I opened the door to such a site. He quickly explained who he was and asked if he could have just a few minutes of my time. I didn't believe anything he was sa...

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale.

Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.

When I was your age, my mom sent me to the store with a quarter and I came back with a loaf of bread, a bottle of milk, and a newspaper.

But you can't do that anymore because there's too many surveillance cameras.

Why did the man with celiac disease eat a loaf of bread?...

He was a gluten for punishment

Sorry if this offends anyone with gluten issues. Our son can't have gluten right now, so this joke came to me while I was toasting him some gluten-free bread.

Someone just stole my lemon loaf....

Out of everything that happened today, they really took the cake

What did the donut say to the loaf of bread?

If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn't be hanging around this hole!

For as long as I can remember, I've had a thing about pigeons.

I think they're fascinating creatures, robust, hardy birds that thrive the world over yet can live on just breadcrumbs and worms.

It was 'pigeon this' and 'pigeon that' as a child, my mom used to joke that I'd BE a pigeon if I could.

It was a bit of a struggle maintaining relationsh...

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Wife sends her programmer husband grocery shopping

She tells him:

“I need butter, sugar and cooking oil.
Also, get a loaf of bread and if they have eggs, get 6.”

The husband returns with the butter, sugar and cooking oil, as well as 6 loaves of bread.

The wife asks:
“Why the hell did you get 6 loaves of bread?”

To ...

What did the depressed loaf say to his psychiatrist?

"I don't know if I can keep on living, doc...I'm bread inside"

A man from Alabama opened his fridge...

He looked around inside, closed the fridge and yelled to his wife:

"Honey! We're out of bread!"

The wife came into the room with a new loaf.

"Don't worry," she said. "We're in bread."

Quarantine Tip #2:

I know you're bored, but diarrhea is an early symptom of Coronavirus infection.

So try to loaf as much as you can.

That's a real solid tip.

Little Johnny coming home from the store

Little Johnny is coming home from the store swinging the loaf of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket. Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a good opportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny." He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see Li...

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Meat Loaf Fetish

My girlfriend recently told me it makes her super horny when someone makes references to Meat Loaf songs. I told her I loved her, and that I would do anything for love, but I won't do that.

Everyone knows Communists make the best bread

Its so good they're willing to wait hours in line for a single loaf!

What's another word for a mattress?

A loaf of bed.

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The Pope wakes up one day and decides he doesn't want any Jews in Rome

The Pope calls the Rabbi for Rome and informs him of his decision. The Rabbi protests and says "Wait, that's it, we're not even gonna talk about this?" So the Pope asks what he wants to do and the Rabbi says that he wants to have a debate the following week. The Pope agrees and they part ways.
...

Brothers John and Peter are lost in the woods...

They are both tired and hungry. The older brother Peter was hard working and obedient. The younger one was John, who is lazy and foolish. It was nightfall, and they were about to sleep when they heard a booming voice.

"BOTH OF YOU, GRAB A ROCK."

Earnest Peter did not hesitate and went ...

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A lady goes into a supermarket...

She walks down the first aisle and buys a single pint of milk.


She walks down the next aisle and picks up a little half loaf of bread.


She goes to the next aisle and chooses a ready-made shepherds pie for one and takes her shopping to the checkout.


The cashier starts...

I'm bad at 2 things: Baking and making puns but...

I'll try my best to make you loaf

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The single girl

A short joke, but one of my favorites.

A girl in her mid twenties goes to the supermarket. When she is done with her shopping, she begins walking towards the checkout (as you do).
At the checkout sits a guy, around her age. Short brown hair, brown eyes, a cute smile. Well, kind of an att...

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