The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen".

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

When I was a kid, my parents used to give me 10c and I would have to go down to the shop. I would get a pack of Potato’s, a bunch of bananas, 5 loafs of bread and a bottle of beer.

But of course, you can’t do that anymore as most stores have security cameras.

You are like the end piece of a loaf of bread

Everybody touches you but nobody actually wants you.

My friend from Alabama got trapped in a loaf

I always knew he was in bread

New types of sliced loaf aren't invented, or discovered...

They're bread.

What happens if a redneck bakes himself into a loaf?

He's inbread.

A customer walks into a bakery and orders a loaf of bread. As the baker wraps the loaf, the customer says, "You know, I bake my own bread at home, but they come out dense."

The baker looks up suspiciously and says, "Yeah, prove it."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

“Back in the day...” my grandfather started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.”

“But today...” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are cameras...”

Little Johnny coming home from the store

Little Johnny's is coming home from the store swinging the loaf of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket.Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a goodopportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny."He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see Littl...

Just been to get a loaf of bread at a cost of £1.03 and gave the grumpy looking girl at the till a £20 note.

She said "have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change."

I said "no sorry but I can pay on card if that helps?"

She sarcastically said " of course it would help"

So as a presented my card she said "Cash back?"

I said "Yes please!"

"How much?" She ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wife sends her programmer husband grocery shopping

She tells him:

“I need butter, sugar and cooking oil.
Also, get a loaf of bread and if they have eggs, get 6.”

The husband returns with the butter, sugar and cooking oil, as well as 6 loaves of bread.

The wife asks:
“Why the hell did you get 6 loaves of bread?”

To ...

What do you call it when you put you foot in a loaf of bread

Loafers

Give a man a loaf of bread and he'll eat for a week

Give that same man a fishing pole and he'll die of internal bleeding.

What do the sun and a loaf of bread have in common?

They both rise in the yeast.

Did you hear about the Frenchman that got baked into a loaf of bread?

He's in a lot of pain.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two old aged guys, one 70 and one 75, were sitting on a park bench one morning.

The 75-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 70-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 75-year-old said, "well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have g...

I have a litter of Pomeranian puppies specifically nurtured to look like a French loaf, 500$ per pupper

Please don’t ask me to go lower on the price, they are *pure bread*

Two Australians are fighting over the last loaf of bread at the supermarket

They're both holding on to the loaf when one of them says:

​

It's stale mate.

A German is in the supermarket when he passes by a loaf of bread and greets it

It had a gluten tag.

Why did the baker throw a loaf in the trash?

Because he didn't knead it

Bought the wife some Meatloaf knickers for Xmas.

The front says "I will do anything for love"

On the rear it says "but I won't do that"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] A man faces judgement after stealing a loaf of bread.

He is thrown to the floor infront of a Judge, who announces, "The prisoner is to be hung, immediately". The guards pick up the man and drag him out.

A week passes and the same man is thrown infront of the Judge, having been caught stealing more bread.

"GUARDS!!" Shouts the Judge, "Em...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a French guy with a loaf of bread stuck up his butt?

A pain in the ass.

What happens when you bang a loaf of bread

It crumbs

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Back in my day you could buy 3 gallons of milk, 2 loafs of bread and 6 dozen eggs all for a single dollar.

Nowadays there's too many fucking security cameras.

What did one loaf of bread say to the other?

Weirdo.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman is like a loaf of bread...

I eat the butt first.

Got hit by a loaf of bread today.

The cops arrested the guy for assault with a breadly weapon

What's the difference between a loaf of bread and the United States of America?

If you leave a loaf of bread alone for 241 years, it can actually develop a culture.

What do you call it when a German hits you with a loaf of bread?

Gluten Tag

And when a hippie hits you with a loaf of bread?

Flour power

And when a lot of people do it at the same time?

a rye-ot

When I was your age, my mom sent me to the store with a quarter and I came back with a loaf of bread, a bottle of milk, and a newspaper.

But you can't do that anymore because there's too many surveillance cameras.

What did the depressed loaf say to his psychiatrist?

"I don't know if I can keep on living, doc...I'm bread inside"

Brothers John and Peter are lost in the woods...

They are both tired and hungry. The older brother Peter was hard working and obedient. The younger one was John, who is lazy and foolish. It was nightfall, and they were about to sleep when they heard a booming voice.

"BOTH OF YOU, GRAB A ROCK."

Earnest Peter did not hesitate and went ...

Someone just stole my lemon loaf....

Out of everything that happened today, they really took the cake

Why did the man with celiac disease eat a loaf of bread?...

He was a gluten for punishment

Sorry if this offends anyone with gluten issues. Our son can't have gluten right now, so this joke came to me while I was toasting him some gluten-free bread.

What do you have in common with bread dough?

If you get baked you're more likely to loaf around.

What did the donut say to the loaf of bread?

If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn't be hanging around this hole!

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairytale

Fair enough I left her in the forest with a loaf of bread

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brillia...

I thought they'd named a loaf of bread after one of my exes

then I realised it said Thick Cut

a man wakes up on a merchant ship after a night of heavy drinking

upon waking, he is greeted by the ship's captain, who offers him a hearty handshake and a loaf of bread.

The man quickly realizes he's been shanghaied and asks when and where he will be able to get back to shore.

the captain laughs and says, "well it's going to be a few months young ma...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Meat Loaf Fetish

My girlfriend recently told me it makes her super horny when someone makes references to Meat Loaf songs. I told her I loved her, and that I would do anything for love, but I won't do that.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lady goes into a supermarket...

She walks down the first aisle and buys a single pint of milk.


She walks down the next aisle and picks up a little half loaf of bread.


She goes to the next aisle and chooses a ready-made shepherds pie for one and takes her shopping to the checkout.


The cashier starts...

I said to the wife, “I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today...

...but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' ".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] Nazi officer rounds up jews in his camp.

Asks the first one :"How high can you jump?"

"O-one meter, sir.": answers the prisoner. He throws him one loaf of bread.

"Two meters, sir!": exclaims second prisoner.

"Viery gut!": says officer as he throws him two loaves of bread.

"Six meters!": yells third one.
"Q...

[long] Irving worked at a Jewish deli and bakery, and he loved most of his regular clientele, except for one guy...

... this guy would *always* haggle over how much he should spend, even for things that had a fixed rice clearly marked on the menu board.

One day, the guy comes in, and says, "I want to buy your finest loaf of egg bread for Rosh Hashanah. I have a crisp five-dollar bill for you, Irving, my go...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bad Dad joke to go with your equally bad Christmas cracker jokes

One day a carpenter started to get out of bed to go to work, before being hit by abdominal pain so bad he had to lay down again. His wife was concerned but he waved her away, called off work, took a laxative, ate a hearty meal, and went back to sleep.

The next day the carpenter went to get up...

Everyone was telling me to stop making bread jokes

But i could tell they were having a loaf

Did you hear about the man who stole some bread

Yeah he Pinched a Loaf!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The single girl

A short joke, but one of my favorites.

A girl in her mid twenties goes to the supermarket. When she is done with her shopping, she begins walking towards the checkout (as you do).
At the checkout sits a guy, around her age. Short brown hair, brown eyes, a cute smile. Well, kind of an att...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Rock stars

Mick Jagger, Paul McCartney, and Pete Townshend are drinking at a bar and the conversation comes around to the subject of the greatest gifts they have ever received. Paul McCartney pulls out an enormous green gem sculpted in the shape of an insect. "This beetle is 900 carats, cut from a single piece...

What do breads do when they read a good post on r/jokes?

They repost.

Haha you thought i was gonna say "loaf".

A girl walks into a supermarket

A girl walks into a supermarket. She picks up a banana, a can of soup, and a loaf of bread. She then walks up to the cash register to pay.

The cashier looks at her and the items she has and says, "I can tell you're single."

She smiles and responds, "How do you know that?"

He say...

[Long] HOW DOES THE CHINESE STAY PUT IN ITALY

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Chinese had to leave Italy. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Chinese community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Chinese community. If the Chinese win, they could stay. If the Pope wins, ...

I’ve heard one beer = 7 slices of bread

I ate a whole loaf and I’m not drunk yet.
Did I do it wrong?

When I was a kid -

My mum used to send me to the corner shop of our street with a ten-bob note, and for that I'd bring back 6 eggs, 2 bottles of milk, a loaf of bread, 5lb of potatoes and a packet of sweets for me. Trouble is, you can't do that today.....

Too many cameras.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is at a party drunk out of his mind

A man goes to a party and starts drinking heavily. After a couple hours he realizes he needs to shit. Badly. He starts stumbling around and asks his friend where the bathroom was, and he says "it's upstairs down the hall on the left, but be careful not to mess the room up it's a little fancy." With ...

Subway

A restaurant that managed to convince everyone that eating an entire loaf of bread is healthy.

Zoo...

I went to the zoo and saw a loaf in a cage.

A sign read: "Bread in captivity."

Something on our Sausages

THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED TODAY

I had to go to the corner shop to get some bread and ketchup as we ran out yesterday.

I went in got my medium warburtons loaf and the classic bottle of heinz beans and joined the queue.

When I was the second person to the counter the man in front of ...

There was this quaint old town . . .

There was this quaint old town, but it had a huge church with a large bell at the top. Every day at noon, a man who had the job of ringing the bell would hit it. A young orphan boy would always go wait around the back of the church to listen to the bells ring. One day, the priest noticed him. "Wh...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman walks into a grocery store...

She picks up
1 loaf of bread,
1 carton of eggs,
1/2 gallon of milk,
and a copy of Us Weekly
she proceeds the cashier.
He says "Oh, you must be single".
"Yes" She said shyly "How could you tell?"
" Because you're fucking ugly" he says

Two young boys went to a bread store...

Two young boys went to a bread store. One boy asks the pretty clerk if he could get some raisin bread, she climbs up a ladder to grab the boy a loaf of raisin bread. While she’s up on the ladder, the boy notices that the clerk wasn’t wearing underwear. The boy whispers and points this out to the oth...

A Baker, a Brickmaker, and a bombmaker are on a plane when one of the engines fail

The pilot asks them to throw anything they brought out the door to lighten the plane. The baker throws out a loaf of bread, the brickmaker throws out a brick, and the bombmaker throws out a bomb.

The plane crashes anyway and the pilot dies. Miraculously the 3 men survive. They start walking ...

This is my favorite sub.

Meatball with marinara, provolone, and parmesan on an Italian loaf.

How do you start a rave in Ethiopia?

You tape a loaf of bread to the ceiling

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"I just deleted all the German names off my phone."

***"It's Hans free"***

*Funniest joke at this years Fringe by Darren Walsh.*

**The rest of the top ten.**

2 -"Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West" - Stewart Francis

3 - "Surely every car is a people carrier?" - Adam Hess

4 - "...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bread heel.

You know that end piece of a loaf of bread, the one with one side all crust? Perhaps you've heard it called the heel. It can also be called "The whore". Because everyone touches it, but nobody really wants it.

Buying bread.

There's this guy who goes and buys a loaf of bread right? And at the shop the employee asks the guy if he wants a bag or not.
The guy thinks a little while...and then says yes please, baguette.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Theory and practice

A family is eating dinner: mom, dad, little Johnny, his sister and his grandpa are all sitting at the table. At some point little Johnny asks his father:
- Dad, what's the difference between theory and practice?
- I'll show you.
He turns to his wife and asks:
- Would you suck a...

Three men were driving through a desert while on vacation

when all of a sudden the car breaks down.
The three men get out to see what the problem is only to find out the engine block cracked so they agree that they have to go find help and to meet back at the car by nightfall.
They all go to the trunk of the car to see if they have any provisions for...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It was a mailman's last day on his route after 30 years.

He'd grown to know all the people on one particular street and felt a fondness for each of them. As he approached the first house, he delivered the mail and was greeted by a kind old woman who offered him a loaf of fresh bread and a tall glass of milk. He took the bread, drank the milk, and moved on...

What's the Indian way of saying 'Bread of Heaven'?

Is it:

A) Holy Loaf

B) Sacred Baguette

Or C) Naan of the above

I went to the Zoo the other day

and there was a loaf of Hovis in the Lion enclosure - so I went up to the zookeeper and said "What's that doing in there?"

and he said "That? That's bread in captivity"

The Toaster leads the Kitchen Appliances on Strike. [LONG]

I looked around the kitchen in exasperation.

"We have will be heard! We have a voice! We have rights!"

"Umm, no you don't." I said to the speaker, "you're literally a wok."

"Well that may be, but we will not be abused any longer!"

A chorus of "Yeah," "You tell 'im!" and "...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jesus and his disciples are sat around the Last Supper table...

Jesus and his disciples are sat around the Last Supper table. They're all talking and debating when suddenly Jesus stands up from the table.

A hush falls across the room.

Jesus looks around, picks up a goblet of wine and says, ''This is my blood, take it and drink it''.

So he pa...

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