UPJOKE
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Out of Respect for Meat Loaf Passing I Went to the Record Shoppe

They had Bat out of Hell and Bat Out of Hell Volume 2 but I couldn't find Volume 3. I asked them about it.

They told me "Two out of three ain't bad."

Please, no jokes about the passing of singer and 'Rocky Horror' actor Meat Loaf.

For a great many people that's a rather tender subject.

I once went to a fancy dress party as a loaf of bread….

The birds were all over me

Tommy's mom sent him to the store to pick up a loaf of bread

Tommy's mom sent him to the store to pick up a loaf of bread. He bought the bread and walked home, bread in one hand, his other hand in his pocket with the change. On the way home he bumped into the parish priest who stopped him to talk.

"Ah, Tommy, me boy. I see you have the staff of life in...

If you didn't hear already, Meat Loaf died

Henceforth referred to as Ground Beef

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brillia...

A guy starts working at a bakery

He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the superv...

I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread.

Then I realized it said "Thick Cut."

at work yesterday

My boss told me to work the bread, then yelled at me.............. for loafing around.

In my day, I could walk into the grocery with a dime and walk out with a loaf of bread, half a gallon of milk, a dozen eggs, and a pound of hamburger.

Nowadays they've got these newfangled cameras everywhere.

A man with Celiac disease willingly ate an entire loaf of bread.

He was a gluten for punishment.

A loaf of bread made an enemy of me.

Now it's toast

At the Last Supper, Jesus got out a loaf of bread and said "this is my body, eat it to remember me." Then Jesus got out a glass of wine and said "this is my blood, drink it to remember me."

Then Jesus got out a jar of mayonnaise and THAT'S when Judas knew this was going too far.

Programming logic

The programmer's spouse asks the programmer to go to the store

The spouse says, "Get a loaf of bread, if they have eggs, get a dozen."

The programmer comes home with a dozen loaves of bread and says, "They had eggs."

"Meatloaf" is the best safe word.

Because I would do anything for love, but I won't do THAT!!!

You can lose weight by putting sliced bread on your head.

It's a loaf-hat-diet.

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An Irishman is walking home in Belfast, after a long day of alcohol filled festivities

His walk proves to be longer than he anticipated and nature starts calling. He keeps walking, hoping he'll make it home but he can't hold it in anymore. He looks around but can't see a place to conceal his inevitable colon loaf. He stops in the middle of the footpath, lowers his trousers, squats dow...

Why was Louie Anderson clutching a fork when he died?

He heard they have Meat Loaf in heaven.

A woman asks her Aspie husband to go to the grocery store.

She says “buy a loaf of bread, and if they have avocados get six.”

An hour later, her husband returns with six loaves of bread. “They had avocados.” he explains.

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“Back in the day...” my grandfather started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.”

“But today...” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are cameras...”

I opened a fresh loaf of bread and found a baseball card wedged between two slices.

It was a Catcher in the Rye.

What did one loaf of German bread say to the other?

Gluten tag!

Three men in a desert...

One is carrying a loaf of bread, one has a bottle of wine, and one has a car door. the first man comes upon a magic rock that says "if you answer my question to my satisfaction, I will let you pass!" man #1 says ok. "why do you carry that loaf of bread in the desert?"asked the rock. "well" said man1...

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A woman goes to a grocery store to grab a few things.

She brings her basket to the checkout counter and begins to offload it. She has a half gallon of milk, some apples, a frozen pizza, a pint of ice cream, a loaf of bread, a box of pasta, some canned tomatoes, and some aluminum foil.

The clerk, looking over the assortment of items as he rings h...

my girlfriend told my to throw my Meat loaf CDs out

I would do anything for love but I won't do that

I saw a man dragging a loaf of bread along the floor so I asked him: 'What breed is it?'

He replied: 'It's pure bread.'

What did Bob Marley say when he put his hand in the bread bin?

Is this loaf that I’m feeling?

I went to the store to buy a french loaf and the clerk asked me, "how do you want this to be put away?"

I told him "baguette"

How do you feed 100 people with one loaf of bread?

You cut the ends and now have endless bread.

My wife said I had to stop listening to Meat Loaf.

I'd do anything for love, but I won't do that.

Just been to get a loaf of bread at a cost of £1.03 and gave the grumpy looking girl at the till a £20 note.

She said "have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change."

I said "no sorry but I can pay on card if that helps?"

She sarcastically said " of course it would help"

So as a presented my card she said "Cash back?"

I said "Yes please!"

"How much?" She ...

Just stole a freshly baked loaf of bread.

Call that a hot take.

A man is out buying bread in Soviet Russia

When he sees that the bakery is out of flour, he shouts:

"Damn this country, we are so poor, I haven't been able to get a loaf of bread in days"

A policeman hears that and approaches the man.

"Stop saying things like that or..." the policeman says as he uses his fingers to form...

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An auld fella from the west coast of Scotland is staying at a bed and breakfast in Cornwall.

On the first morning of his stay, the proprietor serves him a full English breakfast (sausages, bacon, black pudding, beans, mushrooms, tomatoes, fried slice and two pieces of bread and butter).

Later, as he’s about to go out, the proprietor asks him was the breakfast all to his liking.
...

I went to the zoo and saw a loaf of rye in a cage.

The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.

On a hot day, a 'good ol' boy stopped at the tavern for a cold beer, leaving his hound dog tied to a parking meter in front of the joint.

One Beer Led To Another, And Soon A Cop Came In And Said, "Is That Your Dog Outside?" "Sure Is," Said The Redneck. "Well, I Want You To Know She's In Heat," Said The Cop.. "No she ain't. I tied her in the shade." "No, no! I mean she needs to be bred." "That's stupid. How can a dog be a loaf of bread...

A Girl walks into a Supermarket...

...she picks up a banana, a can of soup, and a loaf of bread. She then walks up to the cash register to pay.


The cashier looks at her, and the items she has and says,


"I can tell you're single."



She smiles and responds,



"How do you know that?"
<...

You are like the end piece of a loaf of bread

Everybody touches you but nobody actually wants you.

Where is the most conflict in a loaf of bread?

The middle yeast

A customer walks into a bakery and orders a loaf of bread. As the baker wraps the loaf, the customer says, "You know, I bake my own bread at home, but they come out dense."

The baker looks up suspiciously and says, "Yeah, prove it."

How do you introduce a loaf of bread to your angry aunt?

Meatloaf croissant

New types of sliced loaf aren't invented, or discovered...

They're bread.

A man moves to a new house

For the first three days on the way to work he sees a woman hitting her son with a loaf of bread

On the fourth day, she’s hitting him with a cake

He asks what is going on

The woman replies, “well, it is his birthday!”

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Back in my day you could buy 3 gallons of milk, 2 loafs of bread and 6 dozen eggs all for a single dollar.

Nowadays there's too many fucking security cameras.

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[NSFW] A man faces judgement after stealing a loaf of bread.

He is thrown to the floor infront of a Judge, who announces, "The prisoner is to be hung, immediately". The guards pick up the man and drag him out.

A week passes and the same man is thrown infront of the Judge, having been caught stealing more bread.

"GUARDS!!" Shouts the Judge, "Em...

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What do you call a French guy with a loaf of bread stuck up his butt?

A pain in the ass.

What happens if a redneck bakes himself into a loaf?

He's inbread.

My friend from Alabama got trapped in a loaf

I always knew he was in bread

Apparently I execute commands badly....

Wife sent me to the supermarket with a simple request:
#
Go to the supermarket and buy a loaf of bread
#
If they have eggs get a dozen.
#
Came home with 12 loafs of bread,
#
Still don’t get why she’s mad?

What do you call it when a German hits you with a loaf of bread?

Gluten Tag

And when a hippie hits you with a loaf of bread?

Flour power

And when a lot of people do it at the same time?

a rye-ot

Did you hear about the Frenchman that got baked into a loaf of bread?

He's in a lot of pain.

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A woman is like a loaf of bread...

I eat the butt first.

I have a litter of Pomeranian puppies specifically nurtured to look like a French loaf, 500$ per pupper

Please don’t ask me to go lower on the price, they are *pure bread*

When I was your age, my mom sent me to the store with a quarter and I came back with a loaf of bread, a bottle of milk, and a newspaper.

But you can't do that anymore because there's too many surveillance cameras.

Give a man a loaf of bread and he'll eat for a week

Give that same man a fishing pole and he'll die of internal bleeding.

Two Australians are fighting over the last loaf of bread at the supermarket

They're both holding on to the loaf when one of them says:



It's stale mate.

What did the donut say to the loaf of bread?

If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn't be hanging around this hole!

Where does Mr. Loaf sleep?

In his Bread! XD

Why did the man with celiac disease eat a loaf of bread?...

He was a gluten for punishment

Sorry if this offends anyone with gluten issues. Our son can't have gluten right now, so this joke came to me while I was toasting him some gluten-free bread.

I bought a knife than can cut through four loaves of bread at once

It’s a four loaf cleaver

Someone just stole my lemon loaf....

Out of everything that happened today, they really took the cake

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An old man is talking to his grandson about how things were cheaper when he was a boy

He said that when he was a boy he could walk into a shop with £5 and walk out with a loaf of bread and milk coffee a tub of butter some bacon a pack of cigarettes and a news paper. The boy said that's amazing can I do that. The old man said no. You can't do that nowadays there are too many security ...

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Two checkout cashiers are chatting at work

One says to the other, "You can always tell the married fellas from the single ones, can't you?"

The other cashier asks how and she replies, "Watch the next person who walks up."

Just then a man approaches and from his basket produces one tin of beans, one loaf of bread, one pint of mi...

What did the depressed loaf say to his psychiatrist?

"I don't know if I can keep on living, doc...I'm bread inside"

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Jebediah the shepherd wanted to make a statement about bullying and stood up at the town meeting.

"Friends, there is a cruel and unfair practice that is infiltrating our community. You may not have noticed, but it is here and it is doing grave damage to my sense of well being and comfort in our beautiful village.

Perhaps Englebert has noticed? The man who bakes our bread every day, who f...

A duck walked up to a pastry store

And he said to woman running the store

"Hey, got any bread?"

The woman said,

"No we just sell cakes. But they're warm and they're fresh and they're all home-made. Can I get you a few?"

The duck said,

"Cake won't do."

Then he waddled away...

'Til the v...

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A man walks into a bakery and asks the store owner if he has a thousand loaves of bread

The owner looked at the man likes he’s crazy and said “sorry we don’t stock that much bread at once”

The man comes in the next day and asks the owner “do you have a thousand loaves of bread?”

The owner replies “I told you already, we don’t stock that much bread at once!”

The sam...

A french man and his wife go shopping in America

As they are walking down the aisles, she is placing items in bags for them to buy. He is mindlessly walking behind her while she does so, he is missing the simple pleasures of France.
She stops and looks at her husband and holds up a loaf of bread. "Honey, do we need bread? Should I put it in a ...

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Wife sends her programmer husband grocery shopping

She tells him:

“I need butter, sugar and cooking oil.
Also, get a loaf of bread and if they have eggs, get 6.”

The husband returns with the butter, sugar and cooking oil, as well as 6 loaves of bread.

The wife asks:
“Why the hell did you get 6 loaves of bread?”

To ...

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Ryebread

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him 'how do you have so much energy?'

The 87-year-...

Two old acquaintances run into each other and strike up a conversation.

One says, "You look great! I swear you're younger now than when we first met. What's your secret?"

The other says, "Well, thanks. I know it sounds crazy, but I've been eating a lot of Italian bread lately."

"Italian bread?"

"I know. But it just gives me lots of energy, and I'm a...

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Meat Loaf Fetish

My girlfriend recently told me it makes her super horny when someone makes references to Meat Loaf songs. I told her I loved her, and that I would do anything for love, but I won't do that.

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Comrade Stepofsky and Comrade Yuri are standing in a bread line

You know - says stepofsky - this bread line is so long. Every day we wait hours for one measly loaf for a whole family. This is ridiculous! I am going to do something about it

Yeah yeah - mutters Yuri - you talk a big game but you won’t do anything

Next day, Stepofsky returns, even m...

why did the bread kick the tomato over?

because he loafed him

(LONG) Man walks into bakery, picks out a few loaves of bread, then heads to check-out.

(been a while since I've seen this repost, bear with me)
The clerk is a healthy young lady, and she starts ringing him up. He's been wanting to branch out in his breakfast routine, and asks if she has any recommendations. She points to the top shelf behind her, and says that she really likes th...

How do you know a man is a programmer?

Send him shopping and tell him: "Get a loaf of bread and if they have eggs get 10."
If he comes back with 10 loaves of bread, he's a programmer.

A husband and wife at the store realize they’re just a few dollars short to pay for the groceries.

So they decide to remove the bread from their cart. The wife notices no one is looking and shoves the bread in her purse. They pay for the groceries and as they walk out of the store the alarm goes off. Immediately the cops come and search only to find the stolen loaf of bread in the woman’s purse. ...

Watching the latest episode of Forged in Fire. In the sharpness test, Doug Marcaida tested how much bread each blade would cut with just one slice...

The winner was so lucky he brought his 4-loaf cleaver.

A time traveler comes back from the year 2045

I encountered a time traveler today. During my self isolation he came to the door dressed in a hazmat suit. I was of course alarmed when I opened the door to such a site. He quickly explained who he was and asked if he could have just a few minutes of my time. I didn't believe anything he was sa...

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