my girlfriend told my to throw my Meat loaf CDs out

I would do anything for love but I won't do that

What do you call a loaf of bread with 1500 horsepower?

A Baguetti

How do you feed 100 people with one loaf of bread?

You cut the ends and now have endless bread.

My wife said I had to stop listening to Meat Loaf.

I'd do anything for love, but I won't do that.

I bought a knife than can cut through four loaves of bread at once

It’s a four loaf cleaver

I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread the other day

Then when I looked again it said ‘thick cut’

Jesus and the disciples are at the Last Supper...

Jesus holds up a cup of wine and says, "This is my blood."

Then he holds up a loaf of bread and says, "This is my body."

Then he holds up some mayonnaise and Peter says, "Let me stop you right there, Jesus."

I saw a man dragging a loaf of bread along the floor so I asked him: 'What breed is it?'

He replied: 'It's pure bread.'

I went to the zoo and saw a loaf of rye in a cage.

The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.

Just stole a freshly baked loaf of bread.

Call that a hot take.

How do you introduce a loaf of bread to your angry aunt?

Meatloaf croissant

For as long as I can remember, I've had a thing about pigeons.

I think they're fascinating creatures, robust, hardy birds that thrive the world over yet can live on just breadcrumbs and worms.

It was 'pigeon this' and 'pigeon that' as a child, my mom used to joke that I'd BE a pigeon if I could.

It was a bit of a struggle maintaining relationsh...

A time traveler comes back from the year 2045

I encountered a time traveler today. During my self isolation he came to the door dressed in a hazmat suit. I was of course alarmed when I opened the door to such a site. He quickly explained who he was and asked if he could have just a few minutes of my time. I didn't believe anything he was sa...

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“Back in the day...” my grandfather started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.”

“But today...” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are cameras...”

How do you know a man is a programmer?

Send him shopping and tell him: "Get a loaf of bread and if they have eggs get 10."
If he comes back with 10 loaves of bread, he's a programmer.

The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen".

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

I made bread last night,

and I have been loafing around ever since.

You are like the end piece of a loaf of bread

Everybody touches you but nobody actually wants you.

Just been to get a loaf of bread at a cost of £1.03 and gave the grumpy looking girl at the till a £20 note.

She said "have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change."

I said "no sorry but I can pay on card if that helps?"

She sarcastically said " of course it would help"

So as a presented my card she said "Cash back?"

I said "Yes please!"

"How much?" She ...

New types of sliced loaf aren't invented, or discovered...

They're bread.

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Old Guys

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench
one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short
of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked
him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 y...

What does bread do after it's done baking?

Loaf around.

A man from Alabama opened his fridge...

He looked around inside, closed the fridge and yelled to his wife:

"Honey! We're out of bread!"

The wife came into the room with a new loaf.

"Don't worry," she said. "We're in bread."

My friend from Alabama got trapped in a loaf

I always knew he was in bread

A woman goes to the store to buy a loaf of bread and a gallon of milk. The cashier guesses that she is single and she is shocked. She asks how he knew

He said it's because she's ugly

What happens if a redneck bakes himself into a loaf?

He's inbread.

Why did the baker throw a loaf in the trash?

Because he didn't knead it

A German is in the supermarket when he passes by a loaf of bread and greets it

It had a gluten tag.

What do the sun and a loaf of bread have in common?

They both rise in the yeast.

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[NSFW] A man faces judgement after stealing a loaf of bread.

He is thrown to the floor infront of a Judge, who announces, "The prisoner is to be hung, immediately". The guards pick up the man and drag him out.

A week passes and the same man is thrown infront of the Judge, having been caught stealing more bread.

"GUARDS!!" Shouts the Judge, "Em...

Give a man a loaf of bread and he'll eat for a week

Give that same man a fishing pole and he'll die of internal bleeding.

Little Johnny coming home from the store

Little Johnny is coming home from the store swinging the loaf of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket. Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a good opportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny." He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see Li...

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brillia...

Everyone knows Communists make the best bread

Its so good they're willing to wait hours in line for a single loaf!

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Back in my day you could buy 3 gallons of milk, 2 loafs of bread and 6 dozen eggs all for a single dollar.

Nowadays there's too many fucking security cameras.

I have a litter of Pomeranian puppies specifically nurtured to look like a French loaf, 500$ per pupper

Please don’t ask me to go lower on the price, they are *pure bread*

Did you hear about the Frenchman that got baked into a loaf of bread?

He's in a lot of pain.

Two Australians are fighting over the last loaf of bread at the supermarket

They're both holding on to the loaf when one of them says:



It's stale mate.

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A woman is like a loaf of bread...

I eat the butt first.

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What do you call a French guy with a loaf of bread stuck up his butt?

A pain in the ass.

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Wife sends her programmer husband grocery shopping

She tells him:

“I need butter, sugar and cooking oil.
Also, get a loaf of bread and if they have eggs, get 6.”

The husband returns with the butter, sugar and cooking oil, as well as 6 loaves of bread.

The wife asks:
“Why the hell did you get 6 loaves of bread?”

To ...

When I was your age, my mom sent me to the store with a quarter and I came back with a loaf of bread, a bottle of milk, and a newspaper.

But you can't do that anymore because there's too many surveillance cameras.

Why did the man with celiac disease eat a loaf of bread?...

He was a gluten for punishment

Sorry if this offends anyone with gluten issues. Our son can't have gluten right now, so this joke came to me while I was toasting him some gluten-free bread.

Got hit by a loaf of bread today.

The cops arrested the guy for assault with a breadly weapon

What's the difference between a loaf of bread and the United States of America?

If you leave a loaf of bread alone for 241 years, it can actually develop a culture.

What do you call it when a German hits you with a loaf of bread?

Gluten Tag

And when a hippie hits you with a loaf of bread?

Flour power

And when a lot of people do it at the same time?

a rye-ot

What's another word for a mattress?

A loaf of bed.

What did the depressed loaf say to his psychiatrist?

"I don't know if I can keep on living, doc...I'm bread inside"

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The Pope wakes up one day and decides he doesn't want any Jews in Rome

The Pope calls the Rabbi for Rome and informs him of his decision. The Rabbi protests and says "Wait, that's it, we're not even gonna talk about this?" So the Pope asks what he wants to do and the Rabbi says that he wants to have a debate the following week. The Pope agrees and they part ways.
...

What did the donut say to the loaf of bread?

If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn't be hanging around this hole!

Why do crabs with IBS nest under bakeries?

It's the easiest place to pinch a loaf.

I'm bad at 2 things: Baking and making puns but...

I'll try my best to make you loaf

Guy walks into a bakery and sees a green loaf of bread and asks the baker how he made it

Baker says "Avocadough"

Brothers John and Peter are lost in the woods...

They are both tired and hungry. The older brother Peter was hard working and obedient. The younger one was John, who is lazy and foolish. It was nightfall, and they were about to sleep when they heard a booming voice.

"BOTH OF YOU, GRAB A ROCK."

Earnest Peter did not hesitate and went ...

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A lady goes into a supermarket...

She walks down the first aisle and buys a single pint of milk.


She walks down the next aisle and picks up a little half loaf of bread.


She goes to the next aisle and chooses a ready-made shepherds pie for one and takes her shopping to the checkout.


The cashier starts...

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairytale

Fair enough I left her in the forest with a loaf of bread

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The single girl

A short joke, but one of my favorites.

A girl in her mid twenties goes to the supermarket. When she is done with her shopping, she begins walking towards the checkout (as you do).
At the checkout sits a guy, around her age. Short brown hair, brown eyes, a cute smile. Well, kind of an att...

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Meat Loaf Fetish

My girlfriend recently told me it makes her super horny when someone makes references to Meat Loaf songs. I told her I loved her, and that I would do anything for love, but I won't do that.

a man wakes up on a merchant ship after a night of heavy drinking

upon waking, he is greeted by the ship's captain, who offers him a hearty handshake and a loaf of bread.

The man quickly realizes he's been shanghaied and asks when and where he will be able to get back to shore.

the captain laughs and says, "well it's going to be a few months young ma...

[long] Irving worked at a Jewish deli and bakery, and he loved most of his regular clientele, except for one guy...

... this guy would *always* haggle over how much he should spend, even for things that had a fixed rice clearly marked on the menu board.

One day, the guy comes in, and says, "I want to buy your finest loaf of egg bread for Rosh Hashanah. I have a crisp five-dollar bill for you, Irving, my go...

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Phill and Lawrence go for a stroll (long)

Phil and his tall friend Lawrence were walking down the street to work when an old woman behind a market stall waved them over.

"Please could you buy my fresh bread, I need the money to pay the bills" exclaimed the woman wearing tattered clothing

Since Phil and Lawrence are upstanding ...

When bread gets depressed what is the most common symptom?

Self-loafing.

[Long] HOW DOES THE CHINESE STAY PUT IN ITALY

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Chinese had to leave Italy. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Chinese community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Chinese community. If the Chinese win, they could stay. If the Pope wins, ...

Did you hear about the man who stole some bread

Yeah he Pinched a Loaf!

Something on our Sausages

THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED TODAY

I had to go to the corner shop to get some bread and ketchup as we ran out yesterday.

I went in got my medium warburtons loaf and the classic bottle of heinz beans and joined the queue.

When I was the second person to the counter the man in front of ...

When I was a kid -

My mum used to send me to the corner shop of our street with a ten-bob note, and for that I'd bring back 6 eggs, 2 bottles of milk, a loaf of bread, 5lb of potatoes and a packet of sweets for me. Trouble is, you can't do that today.....

Too many cameras.

What do breads do when they read a good post on r/jokes?

They repost.

Haha you thought i was gonna say "loaf".

Subway

A restaurant that managed to convince everyone that eating an entire loaf of bread is healthy.

I’ve heard one beer = 7 slices of bread

I ate a whole loaf and I’m not drunk yet.
Did I do it wrong?

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A man is at a party drunk out of his mind

A man goes to a party and starts drinking heavily. After a couple hours he realizes he needs to shit. Badly. He starts stumbling around and asks his friend where the bathroom was, and he says "it's upstairs down the hall on the left, but be careful not to mess the room up it's a little fancy." With ...

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