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Watch your language.

Dad and son cuss too much, and mom has had enough. One night she tells them both, "I hear anymore profanity, and so help me, I will not be responsible for my reaction!"

The next morning, mom gets up and heads downstairs to the kitchen to start breakfast. Dad follows her and mom asks, "What do...

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Pancakes

A housewife visits a doctor. She told him that she’s worried about her 5 year old son’s small penis. He said her problem is solved. “You just have to prepare every morning some pancakes for breakfast. It will help grow its size overtime”.

The next day, she did gladly prepared the breakfast a...

Having children is a lot like making pancakes

The first one is always a bit weird, but you can always just eat it when no one is looking.

The wife asked me to go out and get something for the pancakes.

She wasn't impressed when I came back with a bra.

What does a panda use to make pancakes?

A pan....duh!!!!

This morning I tried to flip my eggs like I do with my pancakes,

Yolks on me.

My mom always makes the pancakes too thin

I shouldn't have to put up with this crepe.

What do bus drivers put on their morning pancakes?

Traffic jam

How do cannibals eat pancakes?

They wait by tall buildings.

So a family of moles wakes up one morning to the smell of pancakes...

The father mole heads up to check things out. From the entrance to their den, the smell is a lot stronger, but being naturally skittish, he stays in the doorway. "This smells great!" he said. "It smells like pancakes and warm syrup!"

Her curiosity piqued, the mother mole joins the father in ...

Me: I'll have a stack of 24 pancakes, please

Waitress: That's a tall order!

I gave my girlfriend the last of my pancake today

She leaned over in a whisper and said,
"Pancucked"

I honestly didn't expect it and I almost died.

I really feel like having some pancakes...

maybe I don't...I just can't stop waffling.

"You have a very rare and extremely contagious condition"

the doctor told his patient.

"We're going to have to put you in an isolation unit where you'll be on a diet of pancakes and pizza."

"Will the pancakes and pizza cure my condition?" asked the patient.

"No," replied the doctor.

"They're the only things we can slip under th...

Person 1: I made you a breakfast pizza...

Person 2: This is a pancake.

My kids got so mad when I cooked pancakes for breakfast

Seems he was their favorite rabbit

What'd the Parisian chef say when he messed up his Pancakes?

"Aww Crepe."

How many potatoes does it take to make a potato pancake?

A latke!

(I removed a typo from my first submission and reposted this joke, sorry if you saw it twice.)

I tried making pancakes...

But I ended up with flapjacks instead. I guess I used too much synonym

I snuck downstairs to make pancakes at midnight last night

It took a couple hours and I didn’t want to wake anyone going back up.

I stuck some pancakes to my feet and crepèd back up the stairs.

How did the pancake become the king?

He u-syruped the throne.

It's Pancake Tuesday already...

Really creped up on me.

I feel awful. I just tried to make pancakes for my kids but they were way too flat.

They shouldn't have to put up with this crepe.

First Pancake

A young mother was preparing breakfast for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan, 3. They both said they wanted pancakes. As the pancakes were almost finished and the syrup was being heated in the microwave, the boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother, who was also a Sund...

My dad always called me "Pancake"

He said it was "Because the first one is always a mistake."

A pancake, a piece of toast, and a piece of bacon walk into a bar

They sit down and ask the bartender for a round of beers. The bartender looks at them and says "Get the hell out of my bar, we don't serve breakfast here."

Did you hear about the angry pancake?

He just flipped.

I was going to make pancakes, then I wasn't…

Then I was.

Then I wasn't.

Then I was.

Now, it looks like I'm just waffling…

What do you call a shoplifter of pancakes?

Crepetomaniac

Did you hear about the guy who didn't like people watching him eat pancakes?

He always ate them syruptitiously.

Babies are like pancakes

You have every right to throw the first one away

What did you think of my slow-baked-pancakes?

I've had batter

Why did the Xbox One eat its cereal for breakfast, but not its pancakes?

It had the spoon, but not the 4k.

What does the pope put on his pancakes?

Papal syrup.

"I'm sorry sir, but we've determined you have a highly contagious, deadly virus. You'll need to be kept in quarantine and fed a diet of pancakes."

"Oh my, that's horrible news, doctor. But will the pancakes really be able to help me get better?"

"No, that's just the only thing we can slide under the door."

Two pancakes were talking. One said to the other, waggling his eyebrows suggestively, "hello."

The other said "ugh, get away from me, you crepe."

I'm scared of french pancakes

They give me the crepes

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Pancakes!

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed h...

A serial killer was killing his female victims by drowning them in pancake mix, then dipping them in hot oil. Some of his victims survived.

They're currently being treated at a battered women's shelter.

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons. My son was born on St George’s Day,“ commented the English man. "So we obviously decided to call him George” “That’s a real coincidence,” remarked the Scot. “My son was born on St Andrew’s Day, so obviously we decided ...

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The little rabbit who wanted to make pancakes

So the little rabbit decided in a morning to make pancakes. After inspecting the kitchen he finds there are ingredients for about 100 pancakes but he owns no frying pan.

Fortunately, the bear is a great cook and he has anything you might need so why shouldn't the little rabbit borrow that fr...

It's pancake day?!

Well that creped up on us.

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For my birthday, my brother made me pancakes!

I told him to stop flattening my fucking birthday cake.

You're driving down the highway on a jet ski, when a wheel falls off. How many pancakes does it take to cover a doghouse?

Purple, cuz Ice Cream has no bones....


Has anyone heard a version of this before?

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Buttermilk pancakes and an orange Popsicle

There once was a man who loved trains more than anything else in the world. Ever since he was a boy, he would play with his toy trains and dream of driving trains for a real train company.



So, when he turned 18, he packed his bags and waved goodbye to his family. He headed out the doo...

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Pancakes

A couple was raising a young boy. The two parents were concerned about their child, as he had an abnormally small penis for his age. So they consult a doctor, and after a close examination, the doctor tells the parents, "Just feed him plenty of pancakes. Eventually he'll reach a good size."

T...

Why didn't the waffle go to the pancake party?

He was a square.

I can't believe its pancake day again already..

It's really créped up on me!

My successful pancake business was recently shut down

Someone tipped off the police that I was selling them hot

If the beavers are rowing their canoe down main st and the wheels fall off, how many pancakes will it take to shingle a dog house?

Seven because ice cream has no bones

What do you call someone who can't turn pancakes?

A flip-flop.

There was a father mole, a mother mole, and a baby mole that lived in a hole out in the country not far from a farmhouse.

One morning, the father mole poked his head out of the hole and said, “Mmmm, I think I smell sausage cooking!”

The mother mole pushed the father mole aside, poked her head outside the hole, and said, “Mmmm, I think I smell pancakes!”

The baby mole tried to push aside the two bigger mol...

The Good Date Potato Pancake Joke

Was recently told this joke by my professor.

A boy is going on a date. Nervous, he asks the father for tips. The father runs the basics down and stresses one thing. "Now son, there are only three things you can talk about : Food, Family and Philosophy".

The boy has no reason to doubt h...

When I went to lunch yesterday..

When I went to lunch yesterday, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, “I have a 22 year old husband at home. He rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground...

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Retiring Mailman

The mailman is making his last rounds before retirement and he comes to the door of the prettiest woman on his route. She's standing there in a see through negligee and gestures for him to come in. She leads him upstairs where she gets undressed, removes his clothes and then screws his brains out.<...

A man wakes hungover

A man wakes up in his bed with a terrible hangover. He looks to his bedside table and finds some ibuprofen and a glass of water. He glances around the bedroom and sees that it is cleaner than usual and his work clothes are laid out. He pops the ibuprofen and washes it down with water, and finds a no...

How do you overcome tyrannical pancakes?

U syrup 'em

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Girlfriend said my dick shoots like a cannon.

A Canon 40mm pancake lens to be specific.

A business is at a hotel in NYC.

Ah the Big Apple! He is excited and goes down to get breakfast at the hotel restaurant before his meeting. He looks over the menu and the waiter comes after an slightly extended wait.
“I’ll have the short stack of pancakes” the business man says with interest.
“Very good” remarked the waiter....

4 men sit anxiously outside the maternity unit ...

... as they await news on their wives' who are having babies

The English one says, "My first son was born on St George's Day, so I named him George."

The Scotsman added, "My first son was born on St Andrew's Day, and I decided to name him Andrew."

The Welshman said, "My boy was ...

A story about cold water

I visited my papaw who lives in a cabin in the woods after he was widowed. I planned to stay for a few days.
The first day he made dinner, as I was going to make my plate, I noticed my dish was dirty.
I asked papaw "do you have any clean dishes around?"
"No, that's about as good as cold ...

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Support your local mailman

On John's last day as a mailman after 40 years serving the same neighborhood, the first house on his route gave him a nice gift envelope with $100 in cash.

At the second house, they gave him a box of high-quality cigars.

At the third house, they handed him a selection of great fishing ...

So its pancake Tuesday today

That surely crepe'd up on us

A family of moles lived on a farm.

One morning, they wake up to the smell of fresh hot pancakes. The papa mole sticks his head up out of the hole and says "I smell pancakes!" The mama mole sticks her head up out of the hole and says "I smell syrup!" The baby mole tries to stick his head up out of the hole, but gets stuck behind the o...

A man walked into a psychiatrist's office with a pancake on his head...

... a fried egg on each shoulder, and a piece of bacon over each ear.
"What seems to be the problem?" asked the psychiatrist.
The man said: "I'm worried about my brother."

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So there was a mother of three boys, who wanted to grow up to be pimps........

NSFW.

.....They were always getting into trouble at school, cursing and swearing, and generally terrible boys. So the mother decided to spend some quality time with them one morning, by making them breakfast.

She calls the boys downstairs for breakfast and they sit at the table. Moth...

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A mailman retires after 30 years service and starts his route for the last time.

At his first house, Mrs Smith congratulates him on his retitrement, takes him upstairs and boffs his brains out.

Afterwards she takes him downstairs and sits him at the table which is made up with pancakes, bacon, eggs, coffee and a one dollar bill on the plate.

After starting to eat h...

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Breakfast for the twins

Jimmy and Johnny were a couple of rambunctious kids, always pushing the envelope and often getting in trouble.
One morning they woke up and went downstairs to find their mother in the kitchen. "What would you like for breakfast this morning, boys?" she asked.
Jimmy says, "How's about s...

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Mailman Gets an Interesting Christmas Gift

Joe the mailman was on his usual rounds in late December when he came upon the Jones residence, finding to his surprise that Mrs. Jones was standing in the doorway in sexy lingerie beckoning him inside. Not one to question a good thing, Joe followed her inside, where she showed him the night of his ...

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An older man retires, and decides to move to Mexico

because his modest savings will go a lot further there. He tries, but really struggles to learn the language and local customs. Some days he’d sleep until noon and enjoy being retired…but a few days a week he made it a point to wake up early, fry a couple of eggs, and head into town to immerse himse...

A UFO landed in the Vatican and the friendly Aliens where greeted by the pope

Pope: What a great honour having the first sign of foreign life in the Univers visiting my humble home. Now, let me tell you about our saviour and king in heaven, Jesus Christ, who saved us all and currently we await his return to us.

Alien Leader: Jesus Christ you say? Long hair, beard, alwa...

Three men walk into a bar...

An Irish man, a Scots man and an English man.

The Scots man goes: My son was born on St.Andrews day so we called him Andrew.

The English man says: That's funny, my son was born on St.Stephens day so we called him Stephen.

The Irish man pipes in: Wow that happened to my son aswe...

Nasa was experimenting with different animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

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The Illness

A man returned from a business trip to Dubai feeling nauseous and looking ghastly. He rushed to the ER and was immediately put through some medical tests.


After a few days of experiencing excruciating pain throughout his body, the doctor walks into the room holding his medical report.
...

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Getting $25 for free (hint: use a duck)

Once, my father gave me a dollar and told me to use it wisely. So I went outside and walked down the street, wondering what I should use it for. Before long, I came across a man on the sidewalk who was carrying a beautiful duck. I asked him if he'd give me the duck for the dollar I had, and he did. ...

A lady's man goes to the doctor because he's been sick.

After running several tests, the doctor tells the man, "I'm sorry, sir, but you have HAGS."
"HAGS? What is that?" asks the startled man.
"Herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis," replied the doctor.
"What can you do for me, doc? Please, help me!" pleaded the man.
"First, we have to quar...

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The old Mailman

A 65-year old mailman decided it was time to retire. When the small
commmunity he worked for found out, they decided they should do
something nice for him, since he'd served them for the past 45
years.

So, the last day on the job, the mailman went up to the first house,
and the ho...

Escaping the Fire

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in.

The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!"

The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen y...

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A joke to tell your friends in-person

So, like the title says, this joke only works if you're telling it to your friend in real life! Make sure it's someone you're somewhat close with, though.

So a guy walks into a three-story building. That's very important to the story, so you gotta remember it. How many stories does it have?...

Blood is thicker than water...

but maple syrup is thicker than blood,
so technically pancakes are more important than family.

A family of moles lives in a hole outside a farm...

Then one morning as the farmer was cooking breakfast, the daddy mole stuck his head out of the hole and said "Mmmm I smell bacon" then the mommy mole stuck her head out of the hole and said "Mmmm I smell pancakes" the little baby mole was curious and tried SO HARD to hop up so he can smell what ever...

Dentist: How did you lose your three teeth?

Patient: "My wife prepared the pancakes and they were very hard to eat."

Dentist: "Then you could have refused to eat them."

Patient: "I did refused to eat them. Hence, I lost my three teeth."

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A young man is walking home from work

A young man is walking home from his job at a local software company. He worked late that night, and the sun had already fallen below the sky. The man enjoyed the two mile walk to work in the morning, but the cold of the night made the way back numb, rigid, and surreal. The man followed long, curvin...

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There are certain lines you don't cross.

One morning a few days ago, my wife and I were sitting at our kitchen table, enjoying a bit of verbal sparring while we ate. During one particular exchange I made the comment that if she kept up with her smart mouth, I was going to give her a "Rick James Special". She looked at me quizzically, pausi...

A boy was nervous about his first date

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, and so went to his father for advice.

"My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds,...

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The true cause of the holocaust

Hitler was eating breakfast at a diner. When the server came, Hitler ordered scrambled eggs, pancakes, and a glass of juice. When his food came, he got his scrambled eggs, pancakes and glass of water. He asked the waiter," excuse me, where is my juice?" The waiter replied,"My apologies, your request...

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Great Romanian joke

A bit on the long side, but stick with it, it's worth it!

The bunny rabbit wakes up one Sunday morning with an extreme craving to eat pancakes. This desire cannot wait and the forest diner is closed on Sundays, so he decides to hop all the way to the grocery store (25 min away). He gets there...

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A mailman is on his last route before retirement. [NSFW]

He comes up to one of the last houses and, to his surprise, the wife opens the door in a bathrobe when he is about to put mail into the slot.

She asks if he’d like to come inside to which he agrees. Once inside she asks if he likes to see. He replies “yes, of course.” She then drops he robe a...

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Call me Mr. Lucky (A guy is walking down the street)

A guy was walking down the street and he ran into an old friend of his, "Hey Jim! It's great to see you." he said.

"Don't call me Jim, call me Mr. Lucky." he answered.

"What are you talking about?" The guy asked.

"Well, I was out for a drive in my new car and I see an 18 wheeler...

The Mole family

Sorry if it's a repost... There are too many jokes to check them all.

So here goes..

Early one morning, mama mole woke and thought "I smell pancakes and syrup." So she climbed up the tunnel and stuck her nose out of the mole hole to enjoy the aroma. Papa mole followed and squeezed next...

I once tried to teach food how to sing.

It actually went pretty well, although the pancakes were a little flat.

Three moles dig their way to IHOP

The first mole pops his head out, sniffs around, and says, "mmm I smell pancakes!"
The second moles pops his head out, sniffs around, and says, "mmmm I smell coffee!"
The third mops his head out, sniffs around, and says, "all I smell is molasses.."

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Difference in Grandparents

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends.

Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy -- just him and his granddaught...

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An Army general, an Air Force general and a Navy admiral were having lunch and talking at the officers club when the topic of bravery came up in their conversation.

The Air Force man said that the men in the Air Force were the bravest of all the U.S. troops. The Army man said: "That's bullshit, everyone knows the Army has the bravest men serving the country. The admiral blurted out that they were both full of shit and that everyone in the country knew that the ...