UPJOKE
potato pancakedessertbreakfastwaffleflapjackflatbreadbaking powdergriddlesugarcakechocolatecrepecustardrussian languagemaple syrup

Having children is a lot like making pancakes

The first one is always a bit weird, but you can always just eat it when no one is looking.

I’m making a coat out of pancakes.

I call it my flapjacket.

Wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?

Me: They're for the dogs.

Wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?

Me: They don't know how.

A pancake, a piece of toast, and a piece of bacon walk into a bar

They sit down and ask the bartender for a round of beers. The bartender looks at them and says "Get the hell out of my bar, we don't serve breakfast here."

My dad always called me "Pancake"

He said it was "Because the first one is always a mistake."

Did you know Sean Connery used to save the egg shells from pancake day and paint them to use for egg hunts at Easter?

It was an egg shell lent idea

How does a panda make his pancakes in the morning?

With a pan...duh

My wife makes my pancakes too thin.

Tomorrow morning I am telling her I am sick of her crepe.

Why was the pancake arrested?

Unwaffle activities

pancakes

Psychiatrist: What brought you here?
Patient: My wife sent me here because I like pancakes.
Psychiatrist: There's nothing wrong with that, I like pancakes, too.
Patient: Excellent! Come to my place, I have seven suitcases full of them!

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What's the difference between a prostitute and a pancake?

I only have to flip the prostitute over once before sprinkling it with cream.

Why do Jedi's always burn their pancakes?

They refuse to turn to the darkside.

What did the pancake say to the French cook?

you're creping me out

I hate french pancakes

..they give me the crepes

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What's the difference between Tony Blair & a chef who keeps dropping his pancakes?

Nothing, they're both useless tossers...

What did aunt jemima say when she ran out of pancakes?

Oh how waffle!

How do you get up on a horse made of pancakes?

Using the syrups.

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Pancakes!

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed h...

You know what they say about family - blood is thicker than water.

But maple syrup is thicker than blood, so technically pancakes are more important than family.

I dreamed last last night that I was making pancakes whilst driving along a twisty road

I tossed and turned all night

A six-year-old said grace at family dinner one evening. "Dear God, thank You for the pancakes."

When she concluded, her mother asked her why she thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken-pot-pie.

She smiled and said, "I thought I would check to see if He was paying attention."

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Heard it?

A horse, Dave and his boss, the Pope, a cab driver, a drunk and his wife, a ventriloquist and a Welshman, two kids and their mother, three captives, a teacher and little Johnny, and a preacher and little Sally walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

Th...

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A pizza walks by two pancakes

Pancake: " Look at that bitch with all that make-up!"

Totally failed to make a Mickey Mouse pancake…

I could only get the two ears done. I think this one is a bust !

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice.

"My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence retu...

Customer: Waiter, I’m in a hurry! Will the pancakes be long?

Waiter: No sir, round.

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My Kids Got Pissed at Me for Cooking Pancakes this Morning

Seems he was their favorite rabbit

"I'm sorry sir, but we've determined you have a highly contagious, deadly virus. You'll need to be kept in quarantine and fed a diet of pancakes."

"Oh my, that's horrible news, doctor. But will the pancakes really be able to help me get better?"

"No, that's just the only thing we can slide under the door."

A man returned to the U.S. after a trip abroad feeling very ill.

He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. He's negative for COVID, Ebola, Malaria, and pretty much all the recognizable infectious diseases.


The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone...

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes...

"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

When I went to the park today, I saw an old man sitting on a park bench crying.

I asked him what was wrong.

He replied, "I have a beautiful 22 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every morning, and then gets up and makes me pancakes, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."

I asked, "Well then, why are you crying?"

He says, "She makes my favourite lunch...

breakfast

I was making pancakes this morning. The wife sneaked up behind and startled me.

"Oh honey you scared the crepe out of me!"

You know why the pancake king lost his kingdom?

Cuz he was usyruped.

What do bus drivers put on their morning pancakes?

Traffic jam

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Pancakes

A housewife visits a doctor. She told him that she’s worried about her 5 year old son’s small penis. He said her problem is solved. “You just have to prepare every morning some pancakes for breakfast. It will help grow its size overtime”.

The next day, she did gladly prepared the breakfast a...

Three rough-looking bikers stomp into a truck stop where an old-timer is having breakfast.

One of the bikers extinguishes his cigarette in the old guy’s pancakes. The second biker spits a wad of chewing tobacco into his coffee. The third biker dumps the whole plate onto the floor.

Without a word of protest, the old guy pays his bill and leaves.

“Not much of a man, was he?” s...

A man is admitted to the hospital with an unknown, highly contagious disease.

Unable to figure out what it is, the doctors quarantine him until they can figure out what it.

At meal time, the man receives a piece of naan bread under the door. He thought that was strange, but nonetheless at it, as he was quite hungry.

At supper, a waffle is slid under the door. Ag...

First Pancake

A young mother was preparing breakfast for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan, 3. They both said they wanted pancakes. As the pancakes were almost finished and the syrup was being heated in the microwave, the boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother, who was also a Sund...

Did you hear about the angry pancake?

He just flipped.

How does Liam Neeson make such good pancakes?

He has a very particular set of skillets.

Why did the pancake get arrested?

It had committed multiple unwaffle actions.

News: Doctors recommend Pizza and pancake diet for Covid-19 patients

And all other foods that can fit under the door.

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church bulletin bloopers

*These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:*
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for ...

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I believe it's a true story... who knows?

Someone told me this joke many years ago. They say it was an English couple in Algarve (Portugal) but I believe this can be a joke (Btw, English not my main language...)

A man and woman enter an hospital. The man has blood on his dick and the wife has a burn on her face and back.

The d...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irish man are chatting in a bar. The Englishman says "We named my son George because he was born on St. George's Day".

The Scotsman says "Wow, what a coincidence! My son is called Andrew because he was born on St. Andrew's Day"

The Irishman says "I can't believe it! Wait till I tell you about our Pancake"

If 2020 was a math word problem:

**If you're going down a river at 2 MPH and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your roof?**

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Having children is like making pancakes.

The first one is always fucked up, but you make all the other ones better and didn't drop none on the floor this time.

So a family of moles wakes up one morning to the smell of pancakes...

The father mole heads up to check things out. From the entrance to their den, the smell is a lot stronger, but being naturally skittish, he stays in the doorway. "This smells great!" he said. "It smells like pancakes and warm syrup!"

Her curiosity piqued, the mother mole joins the father in ...

Not sure what to do with the leftover pancake mix...

Should I throw it away or do you have a batter idea?

Where do all the naughty pancakes go?

Flipping Hell!

Just opened a Sandwich & Pancakes restaurant!

I named it “Not all Heroes, We’re Crepes”

How did the pancake become the king?

He u-syruped the throne.

How do cannibals eat pancakes?

They wait by tall buildings.

Why did the Xbox One eat its cereal for breakfast, but not its pancakes?

It had the spoon, but not the 4k.

Foreplay is like pancakes...

three minutes on each side.

I gave my girlfriend the last of my pancake today

She leaned over in a whisper and said,
"Pancucked"

I honestly didn't expect it and I almost died.

The wife asked me to go out and get something for the pancakes.

She wasn't impressed when I came back with a bra.

How many potatoes does it take to make a potato pancake?

A latke!

(I removed a typo from my first submission and reposted this joke, sorry if you saw it twice.)

What do you want for breakfast?

There were two elderly people who were trying to decide what to have for breakfast. Keep this in mind: because of their age, neither of them have the greatest memory anymore.

The husband asks the wife, "what do you want for breafast?"

The wife responds, "Oh... just a bowl of oatmeal wo...

I cannot believe that it's 13 weeks away from pancake day

And they are already selling flour and eggs in the shops

I snuck downstairs to make pancakes at midnight last night

It took a couple hours and I didn’t want to wake anyone going back up.

I stuck some pancakes to my feet and crepèd back up the stairs.

It's Pancake Tuesday already...

Really creped up on me.

Me: I'll have a stack of 24 pancakes, please

Waitress: That's a tall order!

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My grandfather’s favorite joke

An old fisherman makes camp up in the wild north country near a blue-green lake, and in the morning he starts to make breakfast. As he’s cooking, a little family of moles living in a mole-hill nearby begin to smell what the old fisherman’s cooking. The mother mole says “Hey! Old Fisherman’s cooking,...

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A mailman is making his route. On his last day before retirement, he gets to one of the last houses when the lady of the house answers the door in a slinky negligee and says, "Today is your last day, isn’t it? Come with me; I have a surprise for you."

She takes him by the hand and leads him into the house where he finds a complete breakfast feast laid out for him—eggs, pancakes, bacon, the works. The mailman stuffs himself, pushes back from the table, and says, "Thank you ma’am, this was wonderful, but I really should finish my route."

She...

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Pancakes

A couple was raising a young boy. The two parents were concerned about their child, as he had an abnormally small penis for his age. So they consult a doctor, and after a close examination, the doctor tells the parents, "Just feed him plenty of pancakes. Eventually he'll reach a good size."

T...

What do pancakes do when they are scared?

They crepe themselves ;D

The Good Date Potato Pancake Joke

Was recently told this joke by my professor.

A boy is going on a date. Nervous, he asks the father for tips. The father runs the basics down and stresses one thing. "Now son, there are only three things you can talk about : Food, Family and Philosophy".

The boy has no reason to doubt h...

A man in a hurry goes to a diner and ordered a pancake

He asked, “Will it be long?”

The cook replied, “No, it’ll be round.”

Why was the pancake a bad comedian?

Because his jokes fell flat

I was going to make pancakes, then I wasn't…

Then I was.

Then I wasn't.

Then I was.

Now, it looks like I'm just waffling…

What'd the Parisian chef say when he messed up his Pancakes?

"Aww Crepe."

Library of Congress bomber…

Yesterday’s attempted bomber said there are 4 more bombs planted in DC. After botching bombing Congress by showing up at the Library of Congress, the FBI has ordered the immediate evacuation of :

-the Richmond Mall’s Supreme Food Court

-The Hexagon Building on Connecticut Ave

-...

A man walked into a psychiatrist's office with a pancake on his head...

... a fried egg on each shoulder, and a piece of bacon over each ear.
"What seems to be the problem?" asked the psychiatrist.
The man said: "I'm worried about my brother."

A group of moles are hibernating for the winter in a burrow by a small farm on the countryside

One morning, one of the moles pops his head out of the hole.

“I smell maple syrup in the air!” Says the mole, “every start of spring the farmer’s wife cooks pancakes. It’s time for us to leave!”

The mole leaves the burrow. And a second mole sticks his head out.

“He’s onto someth...

My successful pancake business was recently shut down

Someone tipped off the police that I was selling them hot

What does the pope put on his pancakes?

Papal syrup.

If the beavers are rowing their canoe down main st and the wheels fall off, how many pancakes will it take to shingle a dog house?

Seven because ice cream has no bones

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Buttermilk pancakes and an orange Popsicle

There once was a man who loved trains more than anything else in the world. Ever since he was a boy, he would play with his toy trains and dream of driving trains for a real train company.



So, when he turned 18, he packed his bags and waved goodbye to his family. He headed out the doo...

Babies are like pancakes

You have every right to throw the first one away

I tried making pancakes...

But I ended up with flapjacks instead. I guess I used too much synonym

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Just a slip of the tongue

A guy boards the flight and looks over at his row mate to see they have something in common and strikes up a conversation-

Guy 1 - Wow, what a coincidence. We both have a black eye!

Guy 2 - Yeah, it was really just a slip of the tongue. I was at the ticket counter and the woman behind ...

Why didn't the waffle go to the pancake party?

He was a square.

What do you call someone who can't turn pancakes?

A flip-flop.

Nasa was experimenting with different animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

Two pancakes were talking. One said to the other, waggling his eyebrows suggestively, "hello."

The other said "ugh, get away from me, you crepe."

Did you hear about the guy who didn't like people watching him eat pancakes?

He always ate them syruptitiously.

Three moles live in a hole together.

One day a pancake breakfast is set up around the mole hole. One of the three moles sticks his head out of the hole and says, "I smell syrup!"

The second mole sticks his head out of the hole and says, "I smell ketchup!"

The third mole tries to stick his head out of the hole, but cannot ...

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For my birthday, my brother made me pancakes!

I told him to stop flattening my fucking birthday cake.

A man walks into a greasy spoon for breakfast....

Waiter says “what will it be, mac? “
The customer says “ I gotta catch a train - so I’ll just have a short stack of pancakes , also coffee ... and waiter - will they be long?”
The waiter says “No buddy, they’ll be round...”

I really feel like having some pancakes...

maybe I don't...I just can't stop waffling.

So its pancake Tuesday today

That surely crepe'd up on us

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