UPJOKE
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What does the baking soda say when he gets sad?

I'm sodapressed.

What do baseball and baking a cake have in common?

It's all about the batter

Did you know the baking soda packets are training their children to be police officers?

Yeah, they're raising agents.

My wife has been sleeping around with other men. Our church pastor is coming over tonight to offer advise. My wife is baking cookies but I'm embarrassed because the cookies are...

Ho-made

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Two muffins are sitting in an oven baking.

One muffins says “man it is hot in here!”

The other muffins says “HOLY SHIT! A talking muffin!”

What should you do when you want to try something different with your baking?

Take a whisk.

Why did the baker take a 24 hour break from baking bread?

It was his cake day!

Tom is lying on his deathbed while his wife is baking a cake in the kitchen

"Oh please Marie, can you give me a slice of that cake?"

"No," says his wife stern, "that's for after the funeral!"

NSFW On a baking hot day, the Pope steps into the shower to cool down.

He is overcome by the urge to bang one out, and just as he releases the holy seed he sees a flash of reflected sunlight across the street through the open window and realises someone has been taking photos.
Furious, he gets on his shower intercom and demands the Swiss Guard find the photographer ...

A guy starts working at a bakery

He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the superv...

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For my cake day I’ve decided to share my favourite cake recipe

I used to have trouble remembering how I did it, so this time I wrote it down while making it.

You’ll need 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1...bottle Vodka,2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to che...

Why did the white supremacist start a baking company?

Because his family had a long history of being in bread.

I used to have a great joke about baking, and then I ruined it

I should never have left that pun in the oven.

Some person starts working at a bakery.

(not my joke)

His first day is Monday. Upon entering, he hears that today is doughnut day. He dances with joy, and starts baking doughnuts like a madman. The manager tastes the doughnuts, and they are the best of the best doughnuts you would have ever tasted. His enthusiasm lasts for the enti...

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A woman was reading Cosmo next to her husband…

“Walter,” she said.

Walter grunted; she continued “Let me read you this hot sex tip I just read in Cosmo. I think we should try it.”

“Girls, you know your boy toy has fun with you in the bedroom, and that he’s never going to complain. But even the hunkiest hunk can get tired of the...

Was just watching the Great British Baking Show

The entire series feels like an apology for sending us Gordon Ramsay.

Me and my sisters are baking bread for our sick grandmother. I’m the one responsible for making sure the bread rises but hey,

it’s the yeast I can do.

What does bread do after it's done baking?

Loaf around.

Coming up with a good joke is a lot like baking a cake.

I can't do either.

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[NSFW] Baking cakes

A teenage boy wants to have sex with his girlfriend, but tells his parents that she's coming over to help him bake cakes while they're at work.

After doing the deed and spending some time with her, he walks her home before returning to his own house, his younger brother having arrived home i...

So I was baking a premade pie and the instructions told me to put it in the oven at 180 degrees.

Now I'm left with an upside down pie in an oven.

What's the Hindu God of baking?

Ganache

I met this really short man called Peter the other day. He's a baker and he was telling me all about baking flat breads...

It was fascinating....

I love the pitta patter of tiny Pete.

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I told my husband that I was trying to kill him & no one would be able to convict me but he’s not complaining.

It’s the southern way of killing men. Cooking and baking. Real butter, whole milk, Crisco, bacon fat, and my deadly kitchen skills. His time is limited.

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There’s an unusual hospital

Where one of the treatments involves the female nurses taking the male patients home and sleeping with them. For most of the patients, the treatment is very effective. But one day, into the hospital comes an odd patient who has the word Shorty tattooed on his penis. None of the nurses want anything ...

What do you call it when someone illegally bakes bread?

Baking Bad

I'm bad at 2 things: Baking and making puns but...

I'll try my best to make you loaf

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A man with no arms and legs was sun baking on the beach.

A gorgeous blonde was walking past him, stopped for a second with a tang of pity in her eyes.

“Have you ever had a hug?” She asked.
“No.”
So with an “aww”, she gave him a big hug.

Two minutes later, another beautiful woman was walking past the man.

“Aw look at you honey. ...

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One day, a family of 3 goes to a zoo .

The daughter Clara sees 2 animals fucking around and she asks her mom what they're doing. The mom says they're baking a cake and then after seeing the rest of the zoo, they go home. Then on the way home she sees 2 dogs doing the same thing. She asks again and gets the same answer. The mom again say...

An old man lies on his deathbed. The end is near and family is gathering.

His memories run through his head as he lies alone while people talk in the other room. Sad things, joyful things. So many joyful memories. He thinks he smells his favorite cookies baking. Wait, the smell is real! His wife is making cookies, something she has not done for years!

He rall...

Quiche is like the fools gold of the baking world.

When you see it, you think it’s pie right?

Licking the beaters.

I remember my mom baking cakes when I was a kid. She used an electric mixer. If I had been good, when she was done mixing she would let me lick the beaters. If I had been really good she would turn it off first.

So a young black boy walks in to the kitchen where his mother is baking, puts his hands in the flower covers himself in it and tells his mother "look I'm a white boy!"

His mother slaps him and tells him to show his father.
He goes to his father and says "look dad I'm a white boy! " His father slaps him and tells him to show his grandmother.
He shows his grandmother and says "Look I'm a white boy! " She slaps him and sends him back to his mother.

...

Baking is a weird profession

Loafing on the job can get you a raise.

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A mother baking in Somalia

One day a mother was baking bread in Somalia, when her son thought it would be awesome to play white. So he threw flour all over him and said "Mommy, look! I'm white".

His mother slapped him instantly and said "Go to your father and show him what you've done."
His father slapped him i...

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TIL when baking for the holidays...

Don’t google creampies. Instead google cream pie recipes.

What if Cinderella was a baking slave instead of a cleaning slave?

Then her name would be mozarella.

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A little black boy was in the kitchen helping his mother baking...

the kid gets the flour and puts it all over his face and says, 'look momma, I'm a white boy'. His mother slapped him and told him to go to his father and show him what he's done.
So the kid goes to his father and says 'look poppa I'm a white boy'. The father punches him in disgust and sends him ...

Made this joke up at my great grandmother's house while she was baking today.

One day a baker is trying to sell his bread on the streets but nobody will buy it. He goes home and on the way meets a witch. The witch tells the baker, "I'll make your bread the most special bread in the world! No other bread will be like to bread you make, but you have to pay be 50 gold!"
The b...

A man was baking Christmas cookies for his neighborhood, when he saw two women in a fight with hoses.

His original intent was to give one cookie to everyone, but these women, in their red coats, just couldn’t seem to decide between something.
He called the police thinking it had grown too serious. The police came, and the women were identified as the Raign family cousins and arrested.
Then h...

I just took a Baking Class

The final was a piece of cake.

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A black boy walks into the kitchen where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head.

He turns to his mother and says, “Look Mama, I’m a white boy!”

His mother smacks him and says, “Go tell your Grandma what you just said!” The boy finds his grandmother and says, “Look Grandma, I’m a white boy!” His grandmother bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, “Now...

What is Mark Ronson's favorite baking ingredient?

Dough dough dough, dough dough dough, dough dough

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What do you get when you eat unsalted butter, all-purpose flour, baking powder, sugar, raw eggs, vanilla extract and whole milk?

A stomach cake!

Today in my chemistry lab, the teacher asked a kid to add 4 grams of baking soda to an ounce of vinegar. The moron instead added 4 ounces of baking soda to a pound of vinegar.

It was mass confusion.

Baking and boxing are very similar

They both require you to beat until thick

A boy walks out of the toliet and into the kitchen where his mum was baking a cake

He asked "can I lick the bowl mummy?" And the mother replied "no flush it like anyone else"

What ingredient is essential when baking a Star Wars cake?

Bicarbonate of Yoda

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Why dont cows ever win baking contests?

Their pies taste like shit.

I was banned from being a Scout leader after a baking mishap on a joint group weekend camping trip.

I fudged a Brownie.

I have a super secret baking recipe for bread

...Unfortunately it's on a knead to dough basis

An existentialist, a nihilist, and an absurdist are baking cookies,

They've been at it for hours trying recipe after recipe, but they just can't get it right. Nothing they make tastes as good as they hope.

Eventually, the existentialist throws his hands up in despair. "Maybe we're going about this all wrong. Maybe we just need to accept that taste is subjecti...

Baking a Cake

A father and his son take a trip to the zoo. They are walking around to each exhibit and soon realise they came to the zoo in the middle of mating season.

The son was very young and every exhibit throughout the day he asked his dad the same question. "Dad what are those animals doing?" "Oh d...

An old man lay dying… (long)

He’d led a good life but now it was close to the end. He mentally replayed the years - all the good experiences and some of the hardships.

Suddenly he smelled a smell from his childhood. Yes! It was the smell of chocolate chip cookies baking. What great memories he had of hid mother bak...

My girlfriend’s at home tonight, baking.

So hopefully the police don’t look in the oven and find her.

My 10yo brother is a baker

My brother just started baking and told me this:

“I’ve gotten so good at baking so fast! Wanna know why?”

Me: “Why?”

“ITS A PIECE OF CAKE!”

Happy cake day to me!

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I accidentally gave my dog some baking soda

Now she's a basic bitch.

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How is baking bread and having sex the same?

Things go to shit if you don't pull out in time...

If you can form this joke in a better way than I did, please do.

Why was the ninja so good at baking pastries?

Because he had a black belt in martial tarts.

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