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A man with no arms and legs was sun baking on the beach.

A gorgeous blonde was walking past him, stopped for a second with a tang of pity in her eyes.

“Have you ever had a hug?” She asked.
“No.”
So with an “aww”, she gave him a big hug.

Two minutes later, another beautiful woman was walking past the man.

“Aw look at you honey. ...

What does the baking soda say when he gets sad?

I'm sodapressed.

Why did the white supremacist start a baking company?

Because his family had a long history of being in bread.

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[NSFW] Baking cakes

A teenage boy wants to have sex with his girlfriend, but tells his parents that she's coming over to help him bake cakes while they're at work.

After doing the deed and spending some time with her, he walks her home before returning to his own house, his younger brother having arrived home i...

What do you call it when someone illegally bakes bread?

Baking Bad

Me and my sisters are baking bread for our sick grandmother. I’m the one responsible for making sure the bread rises but hey,

it’s the yeast I can do.

People are so sad I’m not entering the baking contest this year

Even their cakes are in tiers.

Coming up with a good joke is a lot like baking a cake.

I can't do either.

Two muffins are sitting next to each other baking in an oven. One turns to the other and says, “Boy is hot in here, huh?”

The other muffin says, “GAAAAH WTF A TALKING MUFFIN!!!”

What does bread do after it's done baking?

Loaf around.

A man goes to a bar the day before a big competition

He walks up to the bartender and asks for the hardest drink possible.

The bartender gives him the hardest drink and the man shoots it back.

After four drinks the bartender asks “what are you drinking so much for?”

The man says “Well tomorrow I’m going on a TV competition, and ...

Today in my chemistry lab, the teacher asked a kid to add 4 grams of baking soda to an ounce of vinegar. The moron instead added 4 ounces of baking soda to a pound of vinegar.

It was mass confusion.

Quiche is like the fools gold of the baking world.

When you see it, you think it’s pie right?

Why are baking recipes so secretive?

They're on a knead the dough basis

So a young black boy walks in to the kitchen where his mother is baking, puts his hands in the flower covers himself in it and tells his mother "look I'm a white boy!"

His mother slaps him and tells him to show his father.
He goes to his father and says "look dad I'm a white boy! " His father slaps him and tells him to show his grandmother.
He shows his grandmother and says "Look I'm a white boy! " She slaps him and sends him back to his mother.

...

I was baking the other day and as I was baking, my Caribbean friend came into my kitchen with a slice of cake and asked, "Jamaican cake?" so I replied,

"No, I'm making a pie."

Wife keeps saying baking is difficult. Finally tried my hand at it

It was a piece of cake

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A woman scolds her husband for not fixing the washing machine...

He scoffs at her and says, "What do I look like, the Maytag man?". The washing machine goes unfixed. Later that week, the pipes under the sink keep getting backed up so she asks her husband to fix that. He rolls his eyes and says, What do I look like, Mr. Clean?". A couple days later, she notices a ...

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A black boy walks into the kitchen where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head.

He turns to his mother and says, “Look Mama, I’m a white boy!”

His mother smacks him and says, “Go tell your Grandma what you just said!” The boy finds his grandmother and says, “Look Grandma, I’m a white boy!” His grandmother bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, “Now...

A green pepper and a mushroom were baking on a pizza...

The Green Pepper starts ranting. "I don't like it," he said. "It used to be that people only put green peppers on pizza. Now there's banana peppers, red peppers, crushed red pepper... It's not right. Only green peppers should be on a pizza."

The Mushroom, having heard this nonsense before, wa...

What ingredient is essential when baking a Star Wars cake?

Bicarbonate of Yoda

I just burned 2400 calories.

The firemen adviced not to take a nap while baking

A boy walks out of the toliet and into the kitchen where his mum was baking a cake

He asked "can I lick the bowl mummy?" And the mother replied "no flush it like anyone else"

I'm bad at 2 things: Baking and making puns but...

I'll try my best to make you loaf

a man dies and goes to heaven.

he arrives at the gate of heaven and sees 60 people baking stuff. some whisking eggs and some mixing batter. he is confused so before he goes in he asked the gatekeeper;”why are those people cooking instead of enjoying heaven?” the gatekeeper replies;”well they have bad karma from their time on eart...

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TIL when baking for the holidays...

Don’t google creampies. Instead google cream pie recipes.

What is Mark Ronson's favorite baking ingredient?

Dough dough dough, dough dough dough, dough dough

The Pillsbury Doughboy didn’t make it very far in the baking competition.

He just couldn’t rise to the occasion

Baking

Did you hear about the baker who tried to bake bread with out yeast?

..He got naan

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Why dont cows ever win baking contests?

Their pies taste like shit.

Baking and boxing are very similar

They both require you to beat until thick

A man was baking Christmas cookies for his neighborhood, when he saw two women in a fight with hoses.

His original intent was to give one cookie to everyone, but these women, in their red coats, just couldn’t seem to decide between something.
He called the police thinking it had grown too serious. The police came, and the women were identified as the Raign family cousins and arrested.
Then h...

Made this joke up at my great grandmother's house while she was baking today.

One day a baker is trying to sell his bread on the streets but nobody will buy it. He goes home and on the way meets a witch. The witch tells the baker, "I'll make your bread the most special bread in the world! No other bread will be like to bread you make, but you have to pay be 50 gold!"
The b...

What if Cinderella was a baking slave instead of a cleaning slave?

Then her name would be mozarella.

Baking a Cake

A father and his son take a trip to the zoo. They are walking around to each exhibit and soon realise they came to the zoo in the middle of mating season.

The son was very young and every exhibit throughout the day he asked his dad the same question. "Dad what are those animals doing?" "Oh d...

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What do you get when you eat unsalted butter, all-purpose flour, baking powder, sugar, raw eggs, vanilla extract and whole milk?

A stomach cake!

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Since we're doing translations, here's one from Mexico:

On the first day back from summer vacation, the teacher asked the students what they did over the summer and if they got any nicknames.


Juan goes first: "I spent my summer working with my dad laying bricks!"
Teacher: "did you have a nickname?
Juan: "Yes, the brick mason's son"
...

I was banned from being a Scout leader after a baking mishap on a joint group weekend camping trip.

I fudged a Brownie.

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A mother baking in Somalia

One day a mother was baking bread in Somalia, when her son thought it would be awesome to play white. So he threw flour all over him and said "Mommy, look! I'm white".

His mother slapped him instantly and said "Go to your father and show him what you've done."
His father slapped him i...

Why do I add baking soda to my pumpkin spice lattes?

To make them even more basic.

A woman dies and goes up to heaven

But as soon as she arrives she finds lots of people baking furiously outside the gates.
She walks up to St Peter and asks him why everyone is baking and no one is going inside.

“Did you not know? Cake gets you karma”

An existentialist, a nihilist, and an absurdist are baking cookies,

They've been at it for hours trying recipe after recipe, but they just can't get it right. Nothing they make tastes as good as they hope.

Eventually, the existentialist throws his hands up in despair. "Maybe we're going about this all wrong. Maybe we just need to accept that taste is subjecti...

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I accidentally gave my dog some baking soda

Now she's a basic bitch.

A woman dies and finds herself at the gates to haven.

When she gets there, she is confused as she saw how many others are standing and sitting outside, cracking eggs, mixing batter, and baking something.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every...

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A circus is looking for new acts so they place an advert in the local paper

A few days later the circus' agent gets a phone call. "Hi I'm Jeff!" says the caller "I saw your advert and it sounds like my dream! I think I'm definitely talented enough to be in the circus!"

"Well ok Jeff, tell me about yourself, what's your skill?" says the agent

"I can skateboard!...

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A little black boy was in the kitchen helping his mother baking...

the kid gets the flour and puts it all over his face and says, 'look momma, I'm a white boy'. His mother slapped him and told him to go to his father and show him what he's done.
So the kid goes to his father and says 'look poppa I'm a white boy'. The father punches him in disgust and sends him ...

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So there's a little girl at the zoo with her parents

The little girl see 2 monkeys fucking right so she asks her mom "What are they doing mommy? " the mom then says "They're baking a cake sweetheart "

Later on there way back home the little girl sees 2 dogs fucking she asks "What are they doing mommy?" Then the mom says " They are baking a cake...

How do you know that a blonde is baking chocolate chip cookies?

All the m&m shells on the floor.

Why was the ninja so good at baking pastries?

Because he had a black belt in martial tarts.

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How is baking bread and having sex the same?

Things go to shit if you don't pull out in time...

If you can form this joke in a better way than I did, please do.

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There’s an unusual hospital

where one of the treatments involves the female nurses taking the male patients home and sleeping with them.

For most of the patients, the treatment is very effective. But one day, into the hospital comes an odd patient who has the word “Shorty” tattooed on his penis. None of the nurses want ...

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Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year!

*(Made mine this morning!!)*

1 cup sugar,
1 tsp. baking powder,
1 cup water,
1 tsp. salt ,
1 cup brown sugar,
Lemon juice,
4 large eggs,
Nuts,
1 bottle Vodka,
2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to check qual...

My wife is really mad at me because I accidentally handed her washing soda instead of baking soda.

It left her foaming at the mouth.

I have a super secret baking recipe for bread

...Unfortunately it's on a knead to dough basis

As Covid19 winds down, another virus is spreading like wildfire

Covid19 may be winding down, but a brand new virus, the ID10t virus, is spreading like wildfire.
Symptoms of the ID10t virus include mental and comprehension issues. Symptoms include schitzophasia, a condition where words are misunderstood. A victim may hear or read a words like "baking soda" a...

My girlfriend’s at home tonight, baking.

So hopefully the police don’t look in the oven and find her.

Why are you baking octopus?

So I can get octopi.

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