UPJOKE
doughflourbakingpiebiscuitbreadcakecheesecakedessertcustardcroissantsandwichquichesugarpancake

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A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The Jew says to the Arab, “That’s typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intri...

Why do we have Pop-Tarts and not Mom-Tarts?

Because of the Pastry-archy

Why should you never mess with an Italian pastry chef?

Because he'll beat the foccacia.

A guy starts working at a bakery

He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the superv...

What does an angel say at a pastry shop?

Donut be afraid

What did the pastry say to the cake when they were in bed?

I'm crumbing!

What did the crossaint say to the other french pastry hitting on his daughter?

You crepe

A man needs a cake for his daughter's birthday.

He's not the richest of men, which puts the nicer cake shops out of the question. However, he's confident that he can figure something out.

Down the road from where he lives, an old Buddhist man owns a pastry store. He's a kind man, with reasonable prices and a perpetual smile on his face. Ho...

A duck walked up to a pastry store

And he said to woman running the store

"Hey, got any bread?"

The woman said,

"No we just sell cakes. But they're warm and they're fresh and they're all home-made. Can I get you a few?"

The duck said,

"Cake won't do."

Then he waddled away...

'Til the v...

French pastry bakers are scary.

They give me the crepes.

‪I once ate a Danish pastry.

She’s an air hostess..‬

what do you call a really small computer file full of pastry recipes?

Little bytes

what do you call a pastry with PTSD

a shookie

A french pastry chef spends his holidays in the US and needs to go see the local medic...

Pastry chef : Euh Docteur, I häv terribeul pain when I eat chocolate!

Doctor checks him out and after a few moments says : Ah yes, typical case of <puts on sunglasses>... PAIN AU CHOCOLAT.

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At a bakery

At a bakery there was two pastries talking to each other and really hitting it off. Eventually, it started getting really kinky. With one thing leading to another, they ended up doing each other. While this was happening, the female pastry says to the male "make sure you pull out in time". He replie...

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What’s the difference between a poorly baked pastry dish and a cash-grabbing prick?

One’s a shit pie and the other’s Ajit Pai.

A private goes AWOL from the Army to follow his calling as a pastry chef, but gets caught and arrested.

He was eventually court-martialed and sentenced to five years in prison for being a desserter.

What did the pastry chef say to his unsupportive father?

Doughnut hole me back.

I wrote a movie about a male sheep and his son enjoying a Hostess pastry.

I call it

*Ram, a Lamb, a Ding Dong*

Two men walk into a pastry shop.

While the clerk is busy, on man, Don, reaches behind the glass cover and grabs three pastries and stuffs them in his pocket.

"See how easy this is?" Don says to John. I've never paid for a pastry in fifteen years, and I come here every day. I'd like to see you beat that."

John accepts ...

What do you call someone from Slytherin House who is really into French pastry?

Draco Mille-feuille.

I decided to bake every letter of the alphabet, when my first pastry gained sentience. It was very excited to be able to think and reason.

I guess it's a happy caked A for me!

You wouldn't think that a pastry frosting would pair well with magical trees

but it's actually enticing!

On a visit to New York, an Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.

The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't notice.

The Englishman says to the Scotsman, "You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!"

The Scotsman says to the Englishman, "Watch this, a Scotsman is always cleverer than an Englishm...

What do you call a pastry made out of needles?

A porcupie

My sister is an expert pastry-maker.

She has to be to stay employed, her job has a high turnover rate.

Which pastry is the most religious?

The donut.
Its holiness cannot be denied.

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A little old lady schedules a consultation with a high-class lawyer.

She says to the lawyer, “That bitch Linda from down the street stole my pastry recipe! Now she’s selling MY recipe at the church bake sale and telling everyone it’s hers! I want to file suit for theft of my intellectual property!”

The lawyer patiently hears her story, and replies, “Ma’am, I’m...

i'm pretty sure my dad is a british pastry

he's scone

My pastry factory has been pretty successful...

So far we've had a good turnover.

Did you notice the pastry factory is always hiring?

They must have a high turnover-rate.

You hear about the highly-productive pastry factory that has trouble retaining employees?

It has a high turnover rate.

What did the pastry chef say to his boss to get a raise?

I knead dough

What do you call a radical muslim pastry chef?

Chocolate bomber

What do you call the first person to put a fruit filled pastry on the side of their head?

A Pieonear

What was your favourite pastry that Grammar used to make?

Mine was the delicious synonym rolls and my adjective was to eat at least half of them off the plate

Did you hear about the Brit who had developed a pastry addiction?

He became a total sconer

Did you hear the one about the baker who dominated the pastry competition through determination and superior sugar content?

He went in all buns glazing.

Why did the pastry chef poison his pet parakeets?

He was trying to kill 2 birds with 1 scone.

There was once a pastry competition...

Many bakers submitted their desserts to the contest, but the judges were torn between two Italian chefs' pastries.

They said to the chefs, "We would love for both of you to win... *But there cannoli be one."*

You would think that you would be a better pastry chef

With all the creampie videos I watch...

People always ask me what’s the best pastry

I tell them it’s quiche but with a special ingredient and it’s best at a certain time of the year but they never believe me

No one expects the Spinach in Quiche Season

An old Jedi master named Ben stole Luke Skywalker’s last pastry.

Angrily, Luke shouted after him as he ran away, “Hey, you Owe Me One Canoli!”

Flying over the Atlantic

An Airbus 380 is on it's way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring ...

I walked into a cake shop in Glasgow…

…and there it was, the finest pastry case filled with a glorious yellow jelly and topped with the fluffiest beaten egg white. I didn't know what it was so I asked, "Is that a lemon tart or a meringue?"

"Aye, it is a lemon tart." The shopkeeper replied, "yer no wrang."

So HBO is making a drama about relatives conspiring against eachother to take control of the family pastry company

It's going to be called Game of Scones

What do you call it when a pastry kills another pastry?

Game of Scones.

How did the pastry chef do on the donut-making exam?

She passed with frying crullers.

What's the difference between a belly dancer and an incompetent pastry chef?

One shakes body parts and the other bakes shoddy tarts.

If a chocolatier and a pastry chef have a child together, will they also make delicious food?

Not Nestle Sara Lee

What do you call a pastry with an English degree?

A synonym roll

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A Jew and an Arab walk into a bakery.

Once inside the Arab grabs three pastries and swiftly stashes them in his pocket. He then looks at the Jew with a prideful smile and says "See how sly I am?"
The Jew, being determined to crush the Arab's pride, walks up to the baker and says "If you give me a pastry I will show you a magic trick....

What do you get if you bake weed into apple pastry?

A high turnover.

Why are there gingerbread men but not gingerbread women?

It's the pastryarchy.

What's a lawyer's favourite pastry?

Suet

My wife and I are following a Ketogenic, low carb diet plan, but this morning I cheated and had a donut for breakfast.

Oddly enough, when I came clean during dinner this evening, she seemed only upset about the pastry and not at all that I had slept with another woman.

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So there's this duck...

...and one day he's walkin down the street when he gets a huge craving for some donuts. So he goes to the bakery and walks in and says to the baker "hey man can i get a dozen donuts, half glazed and half boston creme?" And the baker's like "No, you can't. We don't serve ducks here." And the duck's a...

Did you hear about the guy who broke 17 world records while sitting on a pastry?

He's on a roll!

Finger in the Pie

I robbed a pastry shop in Lombardy

and ended up in custardy

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A man walks into a Buddhist monastery famous for their meals.

He goes in, and asks for the meal that the wealthiest people love, figuring that must be the best there. The head monk sadly inform him that they do not have the key ingredient, and that due to a religious vow they took, they cannot leave the monastery. Luckily, they tell him that if he can get the ...

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A traveler checked in at a hotel that advertised widely as offering

everything a client might desire.  The traveler at once called room service.  "I want to have brought to my room," he said, "a young virgin
between the ages of 18 and 19, who must have blonde hair and blue eyes. I also want sent up 4 pieces of strong rope, each exactly 4 feet in
length, and a ...

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