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Bake Jokes

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.


One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so...

I saw on Wikipedia that dolphins can bake bread!

[cetacean kneaded]

For cookery class, our homework was to bake something.

I said I'd bake dog biscuits.

No idea how to, but i have a great excuse when i don't hand in my homework.

What’s baked every day and sells itself?

My sister.

I just saw an amazing episode of Bake-Off!

They went in with all buns glazing!

How does a stoner bake his Christmas ham?

420°, glaze it.

I have shop, where you can drink Jack Daniels and bake

I call it Whisky Businnes

Ina Garten said she bakes dishes 10 times before baking them for guests.

Must be nice to have all that dough.

Starting a small group for cooks who speedily make stereotypical cold baked flans.

The Quick Cliché Quiche Clique Competition. Coming soon.

Does everyone love to bake cakes for policemen?

Some do, some donut.

What did they call the first person to bake a pie?

A pie-oneer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between a poorly baked pastry dish and a cash-grabbing prick?

One’s a shit pie and the other’s Ajit Pai.

The Great British Bake Off had a charity bake off recently.

I was going to send in a cheque, but I really struggled with my signature.

I signed up to volunteer at a pro-life bake sale

I'll be selling cups of uncooked batter and insisting they're actually cupcakes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear Jamaica is making a spinoff of the British Bake Off about cooking spicy chicken?

It's called the Jamaican Jerk Off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a bandmember of Pantera call it when they bake a dick-shaped cake?

Vulgar display of flour.

Mary comes home after tending to the garden….

Joseph has a warm pie on the table. He cuts Mary a peice of pie and she is thrilled by how amazing it tastes. So she asks Joseph, “Where did you get this pie from?”

Joseph tells Mary “I baked it!”

“Baked it?” Says Mary.

“Yes, right here in our home from scratch!” Says Joseph....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which Pie takes 9 months to Bake?

A cream pie!!!

Church bake sale

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies Group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.

She remembered it the morning of the bake sale, and after rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying ...

How does Rob Zombie make brownies?

EGGS, milk and flour and
BAKE, for half an hour and
FROST, with the back of my
SPATULA!



Edit - Yes I understand it would be better with CAKE and not BROWNIES.

Time to open a pub that serves nothing but expensive beers and baked beans

I'll call it Farts & Crafts.

When the young husband reached home from the office he found his wife in tears.

"Oh, John," she sobbed on his shoulder. "I had baked a lovely cake and put it out on the back porch for the frosting to dry and the dog ate it!"

"Well, don't cry about it, sweetheart," he consoled, patting the pretty flushed cheek. "I know a man who will give us another dog."


...

What did the twice-baked potato say before it was put in the oven?

Damn, foiled again!

My wife baked me a cake and I told her I was sending it to Budapest.

She asked why Budapest.

I said I'd renamed my stomach Budapest

She asked why again

Because Budapest is the capital of Hungry.

She is divorcing me.

What Do You Call It When Someone Only Bakes Pastries?

A bread schtick

Give a man an edible, he'll be baked for a day...

Put a man in an oven, and he'll be baked for the rest of his life.

What do orphans use to bake?

Self-raising dough.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you bet when you bake a cream pie at 37°C for 40 weeks straight?

A baby.

So this vampire wants to bake some cookies...

It's a gloomy day, and this vampire thinks some chocolate chip cookies will cheer him up. Now he's not much of a baker, so he decided to walk to the store from some of that fine, premade cookie dough. He's walking home, excited, and the weather's clearing up and the sun is coming out. It's turning ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Baking cakes

A teenage boy wants to have sex with his girlfriend, but tells his parents that she's coming over to help him bake cakes while they're at work.

After doing the deed and spending some time with her, he walks her home before returning to his own house, his younger brother having arrived home i...

I may not know how to bake toilet paper

But I do know how to brown one side.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know prostitutes can bake?

I was surprised too, but when I asked her for a creampie, she said she would make it happen!

What does a witch use to bake cookies?

An Easy Bake Coven

Why did the baker take a 24 hour break from baking bread?

It was his cake day!

My Indian girlfriend can't decide if she wants to bake bread the same way as he parents

She'll either end up as a non-conformist or a naan-conformist

A Baked Potato

I told my wife I wanted a baked potato, so she gave our autistic son some weed.

I decided to eat my baked beans through my nose.

In Heinz sight, it was a terrible decision.

What is a Klansman's favorite ingredient to bake with?

White flour

What do you call a half baked joke?

A pun in the oven.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two muffins were getting baked

One muffin turns to the other and says "Is it, like, really hot in here, or is it just me...?"

The other looks over and shouts "Holy shit, a talking muffin!"

Just stole a freshly baked loaf of bread.

Call that a hot take.

My work had a bake sale today

We raised a lot of dough.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Grandmother was excited to hear that some cookies at the bake sale were baked by genuine prostitutes

Grandma did always have a soft spot for ho-made products.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a cake baked by a prostitute?

Hoe Made

A husband and wife are having breakfast

The wife asks him: ‘Honey could you take a look at the bathroom door, it seems a little stuck’

‘Do I look like a carpenter?’

‘And the toilet is also clogged.. i’d take a look at that as well’

‘Do I look like a plumber?’

‘Oh and theres a tile loose on our kitchen floor’...

Joke: Ever wonder if you’re actually baked or just paranoid?

You’re not alone ...

Why have all the baked beans move to Queensland?

Because they like to live in Cairns

My grandmother bakes cookies the fastest

It literally takes her nanaseconds

To celebrate Star Wars we baked some "Wookie Cookies".

They were a little on the Chewy side.

The brownies I started making in my easy bake oven in 1987

are done if anyone wants some.

I found the perfect addition to any kitchen. Blend, mix, chop...even bake!

It's called a wife.

Ow! Dammit, that hurt! Apparently can throw really well too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do women hate my baked goods?

I keep offering them cream pies, but they always respond with slapping me in the face!

My sister told me she just baked some synonym buns...

I replied “you mean, just like the ones grammar used to make?”

How many blondes do you need to bake a chocolat cake?

Three. One for the dough and two are peeling the M&Ms

A new guy starts work at a bakery.

He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the superv...

What do you get if you cross the king of Wakanda with a traditional Jewish baked good?

T’challah bread

Saw a homeless man eating a tin of baked beans and I thought it was really sad, so I walked over to him and said...

"I think you're supposed to open that first"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex-prostitute grandma bakes the best cakes...

She tells me the secret is her homegrown yeast.

Did you hear about the French guy that got baked into a huge baguette?

He was in a lot of pain

Why are cookies called cookies, and bacon is called bacon, but you have to bake cookies and cook bacon?

It's like that Parkway / Driveway mess up, all over again!

How many Blondes does it take to bake chocolate chip cookies?

10....one to bake the cookies, and 9 to peel the M&Ms

What do you get if you bake weed into apple pastry?

A high turnover.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[OC, long] There's a new MLM scheme going around getting housewives to bake cookies, cake, and bread.

"Independent Businesses Owners" buy frozen pastries and mixes from the company, bake them in a timeshare commercial kitchen space, and try to sell them at their office, church, kids' activities, public events, and through social media. The typical.

One of my coworkers, Amanda, recently invite...

My local Baker says he can bake 20 loaves of bread in one hour with one small oven...

I said prove it.

My girlfriend baked me a cake for cake day with a cute note on it...

...

It was the icing on the cake

I was trying to bake an egg-based dish with fresh vegetables but my wife told me not to

I said “why don’t you like quiche”

I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies

They smell just like burned toast

Teacher: What did you do on the weekend?

Student: I did some cooking.

Teacher: Lovely, what did you bake?

Student: Synonym rolls just like Grammar used to make!

Have you heard about the new trend? People are putting baked goods on their ear studs

Its pie-on-earring fashion

looking back, I wish I'd bought my baked beans online...

Heinz site's a wonderful thing

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