My Indian girlfriend can't decide if she wants to bake bread the same way as he parents

She'll either end up as a non-conformist or a naan-conformist

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Ever since the government lockdown, my neighbor has had to run her business out of her backyard. She bakes delicious pastries.

Google Back Door Cream Pies if you're interested.

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction.

When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man but I don't think he can live with my problems." So she decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up beans.
A year later her car broke down on the way home from work. Sin...

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Which Pie takes 9 months to Bake?

A cream pie!!!

Once, me and my family wanted to bake some marshmallows in the campfire.

We had the poles with marshmallows sticked to them prepared when we heard sirens. We all ran out to see what happened. The neighbours' house was on fire and I saw a lot of firefighters trying to get the fire under control. The neighbours looked at us with pure disgust. That was the moment I realized...

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What does a bandmember of Pantera call it when they bake a dick-shaped cake?

Vulgar display of flour.

Saw a homeless man eating a tin of baked beans and I thought it was really sad, so I walked over to him and said...

"I think you're supposed to open that first"

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You know what a baby is?

It is just a fully baked cream pie

What's the difference between a woman and a baked potato?

With a baked potato, you poke it BEFORE you eat it.

Have you heard about the new trend? People are putting baked goods on their ear studs

Its pie-on-earring fashion

My girlfriend baked me a cake for cake day with a cute note on it...

...

It was the icing on the cake

I decided to eat my baked beans through my nose.

In Heinz sight, it was a terrible decision.

Joke: Ever wonder if you’re actually baked or just paranoid?

You’re not alone ...

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A newlywed couple just moved into their new house.

One day, the wife asked her husband, "Honey, one of the bathroom pipes is leaking. Could you fix it?"

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Who do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few days went by, and his wife asked for a favor. "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new batt...

How does a criminal prosecutor fix a half-baked closing statement?

She puts it into a conviction oven.

What do you call it when someone illegally bakes bread?

Baking Bad

A baker decided to bake some muffins the afternoon

The baker was making some chocolate chip muffins for her and her one friend, after some time she putted the muffins into the oven and set to bake.

after several minutes,

the one muffin said: Good Grief it's hot in here!

the other muffin said: Good Grief, a talking muffin!?

A new guy starts work at a bakery.

He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the superv...

I met this really short man called Peter the other day. He's a baker and he was telling me all about baking flat breads...

It was fascinating....

I love the pitta patter of tiny Pete.

My wife baked me a cake and I told her I was sending it to Budapest.

She asked why Budapest.

I said I'd renamed my stomach Budapest

She asked why again

Because Budapest is the capital of Hungry.

She is divorcing me.

A German man on his first trip to America decides to see New York City.

As he's wandering around the smell of corned beef and fresh baked rye bread draws him into a Kosher deli. The man sits at the counter, eyes the menu and says, "I vood like to try ze bagel and ze lox." In a thick accent.

On his first bite he's throughly enjoying his food and pipes up to the gu...

I decided to bake every letter of the alphabet, when my first pastry gained sentience. It was very excited to be able to think and reason.

I guess it's a happy caked A for me!

Two cannibals meet one day.

The first cannibal says, “You know, I just can’t seem to get a tender missionary. I’ve baked them, I’ve roasted them, I’ve stewed them, I’ve barbecued them, I’ve tried every sort of marinade. Just can’t seem to get them tender.”

The second cannibal asks, “What kind of missionary do you use?”<...

A little bacteria was celebrating his birthday...

and all of his microbial friends got together to bake him a cake.

He was so excited upon seeing the cake that he underwent mitosis and split in two.

The microbial friends all worried that now there werent enough cakes, and that perhaps they should have planned better...

But actu...

A man goes to buy a clock.

He's browsing in the clock shop. Suddenly he hears a little voice "Get digital you probably can't read analogue."
Startled, he looks around. Nobody is there.

A few minutes later, he hears another little voice "Your shoes belong in a museum!"
He spins around. Noone there.

As he ...

For my cake day, I thought I’d share my favourite joke...

John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It"s been flickering for weeks now". He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don"t think so". Fine, then the wife as...

To your cake batter, slowly stir in the GPU and CPU and sprinkle crushed motherboard. Put in oven on bake.

Once done, serve and enjoy! PC cake.

A pastor is on a plane when the man next to him strikes up a conversation.

After some pleasantries, the pastor says, "I'm flying across the country raising money for my parish. I've been performing small miracles hoping people will donate money to me. You see, I ask the Lord to provide a person's favorite food on the spot. My best luck is with college grads who are nostalg...

A new supermarket opened near my house.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing, and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department, there is th...

Went out for dinner. After my meal, my waiter asked me how I found my steak.

I said "I looked for my baked potatoe and there it was."

Why are cookies called cookies, and bacon is called bacon, but you have to bake cookies and cook bacon?

It's like that Parkway / Driveway mess up, all over again!

What do you call a half baked joke?

A pun in the oven.

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Over the holidays, I'm participating in a pro-life bake sale

We'll be selling cups of uncooked batter and insisting they're actually cupcakes

Why do baked beans want to move to Queensland (Australia)

Because they all want to live in Cairns!

(a city in Queensland Australia, for non aussies)

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What do you call a cake baked by a prostitute?

Hoe Made

The cops confiscated all my brownies at a bake sale.

Jokes on them, the weed was in the apple pie.

I was trying to bake an egg-based dish with fresh vegetables but my wife told me not to

I said “why don’t you like quiche”

So this vampire wants to bake some cookies...

It's a gloomy day, and this vampire thinks some chocolate chip cookies will cheer him up. Now he's not much of a baker, so he decided to walk to the store from some of that fine, premade cookie dough. He's walking home, excited, and the weather's clearing up and the sun is coming out. It's turning ...

A customer walks into a bakery and orders a loaf of bread. As the baker wraps the loaf, the customer says, "You know, I bake my own bread at home, but they come out dense."

The baker looks up suspiciously and says, "Yeah, prove it."

What’s baked every day and sells itself?

My sister.

Two old acquaintances run into each other and strike up a conversation.

One says, "You look great! I swear you're younger now than when we first met. What's your secret?"

The other says, "Well, thanks. I know it sounds crazy, but I've been eating a lot of Italian bread lately."

"Italian bread?"

"I know. But it just gives me lots of energy, and I'm a...

What’s the difference between a baked sweet potato and a flying pig?

One’s a heated yam and the other’s a yeeted ham.

My local Baker says he can bake 20 loaves of bread in one hour with one small oven...

I said prove it.

A wife is asking her husband for help.

First she asks if he can help fix her car.
“I’m not a mechanic” he replies.

Next she asks if he can fix the faucet in the kitchen.
“I’m not a plumber” he says.

Lastly she asks if he can help fix the broken cupboard door.
“I’m not a carpenter” he says.


The foll...

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Jebediah the shepherd wanted to make a statement about bullying and stood up at the town meeting.

"Friends, there is a cruel and unfair practice that is infiltrating our community. You may not have noticed, but it is here and it is doing grave damage to my sense of well being and comfort in our beautiful village.

Perhaps Englebert has noticed? The man who bakes our bread every day, who f...

Me, to my neighbour: Sorry I ran over your cat when I was trying to back out. Here, I baked a cake for you.

My neighbour: You did WHAT?

Me: Baked a cake.

A baker bakes 73,247 baguettes in a year and sells each for $2.73. What does he make?

Bread.

I may not know how to bake toilet paper

But I do know how to brown one side.

Church bake sale

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies Group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.

She remembered it the morning of the bake sale, and after rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying ...

What do you call a dish when you baked more than one octopus?

An Octopi.

What do you call a Jewish bread that the Black Panther bakes for Thor's party?

T'calla's challah for the Val'Halla gala.

I came up with a get rich quick scheme to sell Indian sourdough bread you bake at home

...but it turned out that plan was a Naan starter.

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[OC, long] There's a new MLM scheme going around getting housewives to bake cookies, cake, and bread.

"Independent Businesses Owners" buy frozen pastries and mixes from the company, bake them in a timeshare commercial kitchen space, and try to sell them at their office, church, kids' activities, public events, and through social media. The typical.

One of my coworkers, Amanda, recently invite...

Overheard a tweaker proudly talking about his dog...

I couldn't hear him too well but it sounded like some kind of new mixed-breed dog he called a Meth Lab. I didn't get many details on the new mixed-breed but I did hear him say it could be dangerous. Oh, and it must be fast because its name was Shake 'n Bake. Everybody knows you don't sully the na...

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A guy was driving down a long stretch of country highway, when he approached a fruit stand.

The sign above read, "We have
peaches that taste like anything
and everything, guaranteed!"
The man thought about it, and
decided to stop.
He thought this has to be
bullshit. So he approaches the
old, feeble man behind the
stand and says, "So, you have
peaches that taste l...

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the oven and bake it until it’s bill withers.

I was going to bake a pie in honor of today.

But it would be irrational.

Joke advice

Hello everyone, at my job we are having a employee appreciation thing where we're giving out debby cakes and littles cup of ice cream to them. I am having to make little cute pun-ny notes on the cakes, but I need more ideas! If you can, drop some funny clever cake puns <3

Here's what I hav...

What happens if a redneck bakes himself into a loaf?

He's inbread.

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What’s the difference between a poorly baked pastry dish and a cash-grabbing prick?

One’s a shit pie and the other’s Ajit Pai.

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My ex-prostitute grandma bakes the best cakes...

She tells me the secret is her homegrown yeast.

A duck walked up to a pastry store

And he said to woman running the store

"Hey, got any bread?"

The woman said,

"No we just sell cakes. But they're warm and they're fresh and they're all home-made. Can I get you a few?"

The duck said,

"Cake won't do."

Then he waddled away...

'Til the v...

How do you know the cookies you left to bake inside your hot car are good ?

The baby stopped screaming.

How can you tell the difference between a can of soup and a can of baked beans?

Read the label.

What does a witch use to bake cookies?

An Easy Bake Coven

What is a Klansman's favorite ingredient to bake with?

White flour

My grandmother bakes cookies the fastest

It literally takes her nanaseconds

What do orphans use to bake?

Self-raising dough.

*From Ian Ross, not mine* - A mum was asked 'Why is your daughter crying?'

'She has five baked beans stuck up her nose.'

'And why is your son crying?'

'He wants his lunch back.'

I just found out that the mascot for a famous brand of baked goods overdosed on opiates.

Pills bury doughboy.

My sister told me she just baked some synonym buns...

I replied “you mean, just like the ones grammar used to make?”

Did you hear about the French guy that got baked into a huge baguette?

He was in a lot of pain

I found the perfect addition to any kitchen. Blend, mix, chop...even bake!

It's called a wife.

Ow! Dammit, that hurt! Apparently can throw really well too.

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[NSFW] Baking cakes

A teenage boy wants to have sex with his girlfriend, but tells his parents that she's coming over to help him bake cakes while they're at work.

After doing the deed and spending some time with her, he walks her home before returning to his own house, his younger brother having arrived home i...

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What do you get when you eat peanut butter and baked beans?

A fart that sticks to the roof of your ass

What do you call a stoned Irish person?

A baked potato.

The brownies I started making in my easy bake oven in 1987

are done if anyone wants some.

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Two muffins were getting baked

One muffin turns to the other and says "Is it, like, really hot in here, or is it just me...?"

The other looks over and shouts "Holy shit, a talking muffin!"

I don't understand what's so hard about describing a single portion of a soft and sweet baked good.

Honestly, it's a piece of cake.

What do you call a sunburnt vegan?

A baked bean

Made this joke up at my great grandmother's house while she was baking today.

One day a baker is trying to sell his bread on the streets but nobody will buy it. He goes home and on the way meets a witch. The witch tells the baker, "I'll make your bread the most special bread in the world! No other bread will be like to bread you make, but you have to pay be 50 gold!"
The b...

I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies

They smell just like burned toast

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Did you know prostitutes can bake?

I was surprised too, but when I asked her for a creampie, she said she would make it happen!

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