Once, me and my family wanted to bake some marshmallows in the campfire.

We had the poles with marshmallows sticked to them prepared when we heard sirens. We all ran out to see what happened. The neighbours' house was on fire and I saw a lot of firefighters trying to get the fire under control. The neighbours looked at us with pure disgust. That was the moment I realized...

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What does a bandmember of Pantera call it when they bake a dick-shaped cake?

Vulgar display of flour.

Saw a homeless man eating a tin of baked beans and I thought it was really sad, so I walked over to him and said...

"I think you're supposed to open that first"

Have you heard about the new trend? People are putting baked goods on their ear studs

Its pie-on-earring fashion

What's the difference between a woman and a baked potato?

With a baked potato, you poke it BEFORE you eat it.

My girlfriend baked me a cake for cake day with a cute note on it...

...

It was the icing on the cake

BREAKING NEWS: A grandfather had gone missing after eating four cans of baked beans, eight Brussels sprouts and a jar of gherkins.

His family have made an emotional appeal for him not to come home for at least a month.

I decided to eat my baked beans through my nose.

In Heinz sight, it was a terrible decision.

Baked beans

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a...

Joke: Ever wonder if you’re actually baked or just paranoid?

You’re not alone ...

How does a criminal prosecutor fix a half-baked closing statement?

She puts it into a conviction oven.

What do you call it when someone illegally bakes bread?

Baking Bad

I met this really short man called Peter the other day. He's a baker and he was telling me all about baking flat breads...

It was fascinating....

I love the pitta patter of tiny Pete.

For my cake day, I thought I’d share my favourite joke...

John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It"s been flickering for weeks now". He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don"t think so". Fine, then the wife as...

A new guy starts work at a bakery.

He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the superv...

A new supermarket opened near my house.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing, and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department, there is th...

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Jebediah the shepherd wanted to make a statement about bullying and stood up at the town meeting.

"Friends, there is a cruel and unfair practice that is infiltrating our community. You may not have noticed, but it is here and it is doing grave damage to my sense of well being and comfort in our beautiful village.

Perhaps Englebert has noticed? The man who bakes our bread every day, who f...

My wife baked me a cake and I told her I was sending it to Budapest.

She asked why Budapest.

I said I'd renamed my stomach Budapest

She asked why again

Because Budapest is the capital of Hungry.

She is divorcing me.

I decided to bake every letter of the alphabet, when my first pastry gained sentience. It was very excited to be able to think and reason.

I guess it's a happy caked A for me!

A wife is asking her husband for help.

First she asks if he can help fix her car.
“I’m not a mechanic” he replies.

Next she asks if he can fix the faucet in the kitchen.
“I’m not a plumber” he says.

Lastly she asks if he can help fix the broken cupboard door.
“I’m not a carpenter” he says.


The foll...

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the oven and bake it until it’s bill withers.

Joke advice

Hello everyone, at my job we are having a employee appreciation thing where we're giving out debby cakes and littles cup of ice cream to them. I am having to make little cute pun-ny notes on the cakes, but I need more ideas! If you can, drop some funny clever cake puns <3

Here's what I hav...

To your cake batter, slowly stir in the GPU and CPU and sprinkle crushed motherboard. Put in oven on bake.

Once done, serve and enjoy! PC cake.

A duck walked up to a pastry store

And he said to woman running the store

"Hey, got any bread?"

The woman said,

"No we just sell cakes. But they're warm and they're fresh and they're all home-made. Can I get you a few?"

The duck said,

"Cake won't do."

Then he waddled away...

'Til the v...

*From Ian Ross, not mine* - A mum was asked 'Why is your daughter crying?'

'She has five baked beans stuck up her nose.'

'And why is your son crying?'

'He wants his lunch back.'

My mums sister gets angry and bakes french pastries...

She’s a cross aunt.

Why do baked beans want to move to Queensland (Australia)

Because they all want to live in Cairns!

(a city in Queensland Australia, for non aussies)

What do you call a half baked joke?

A pun in the oven.

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What do you call a cake baked by a prostitute?

Hoe Made

Why are cookies called cookies, and bacon is called bacon, but you have to bake cookies and cook bacon?

It's like that Parkway / Driveway mess up, all over again!

What do you call a stoned Irish person?

A baked potato.

The cops confiscated all my brownies at a bake sale.

Jokes on them, the weed was in the apple pie.

Just stole a freshly baked loaf of bread.

Call that a hot take.

So this vampire wants to bake some cookies...

It's a gloomy day, and this vampire thinks some chocolate chip cookies will cheer him up. Now he's not much of a baker, so he decided to walk to the store from some of that fine, premade cookie dough. He's walking home, excited, and the weather's clearing up and the sun is coming out. It's turning ...

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Over the holidays, I'm participating in a pro-life bake sale

We'll be selling cups of uncooked batter and insisting they're actually cupcakes

What do you call a sunburnt vegan?

A baked bean

Me, to my neighbour: Sorry I ran over your cat when I was trying to back out. Here, I baked a cake for you.

My neighbour: You did WHAT?

Me: Baked a cake.

A customer walks into a bakery and orders a loaf of bread. As the baker wraps the loaf, the customer says, "You know, I bake my own bread at home, but they come out dense."

The baker looks up suspiciously and says, "Yeah, prove it."

What do you call a dish when you baked more than one octopus?

An Octopi.

What’s the difference between a baked sweet potato and a flying pig?

One’s a heated yam and the other’s a yeeted ham.

My local Baker says he can bake 20 loaves of bread in one hour with one small oven...

I said prove it.

Newlyweds

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few days go by, and he comes home from w...

I may not know how to bake toilet paper

But I do know how to brown one side.

I came up with a get rich quick scheme to sell Indian sourdough bread you bake at home

...but it turned out that plan was a Naan starter.

What’s baked every day and sells itself?

My sister.

Some only dream of cake

Others bake it happen.

What do you call a Jewish bread that the Black Panther bakes for Thor's party?

T'calla's challah for the Val'Halla gala.

A baker bakes 73,247 baguettes in a year and sells each for $2.73. What does he make?

Bread.

Church bake sale

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies Group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.

She remembered it the morning of the bake sale, and after rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying ...

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[OC, long] There's a new MLM scheme going around getting housewives to bake cookies, cake, and bread.

"Independent Businesses Owners" buy frozen pastries and mixes from the company, bake them in a timeshare commercial kitchen space, and try to sell them at their office, church, kids' activities, public events, and through social media. The typical.

One of my coworkers, Amanda, recently invite...

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A grandson sees his grandpas drinking a beer and asks “grandpa can I have some of that” grandpa replies

“Can your dick touch your ass?”

“Well no not yet” says the grandson

“Ask again when it can” the grandpas says!
Later that day the young boy sees his grandpas smoking a cig
“hey grandpa can I smoke some of that” he asks

The grandpas asks him “can your dick touch your ass y...

I was going to bake a pie in honor of today.

But it would be irrational.

How can you tell the difference between a can of soup and a can of baked beans?

Read the label.

What do you call someone from Anchorage that smokes pot?

Baked Alaskan.

What happens if a redneck bakes himself into a loaf?

He's inbread.

I just found out that the mascot for a famous brand of baked goods overdosed on opiates.

Pills bury doughboy.

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My ex-prostitute grandma bakes the best cakes...

She tells me the secret is her homegrown yeast.

What does a witch use to bake cookies?

An Easy Bake Coven

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What’s the difference between a poorly baked pastry dish and a cash-grabbing prick?

One’s a shit pie and the other’s Ajit Pai.

What is a Klansman's favorite ingredient to bake with?

White flour

What food does an environmentalist hate?

Baked Alaska

How do you know the cookies you left to bake inside your hot car are good ?

The baby stopped screaming.

My grandmother bakes cookies the fastest

It literally takes her nanaseconds

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A man walks into a restaurant...

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later...

An old granny and her grand daughter are chatting about granpa

-Did you love him, granma?
-Oh yes, i loved him so much. He was all my life, even tough he was so lazy.
-How come?
-You see, everytime there was something not working, he would never do anything about It. "Al, the sink Is broken." "Do i look like a plumber?" He would reply. "Hon, a brick fe...

High in High School

A friend loved to get baked everyday when we were in HS.

His parents were very strict, so I asked how he always got away with it.

No problem, he said, I just never let them see me not high.

Did you hear about the French guy that got baked into a huge baguette?

He was in a lot of pain

What do orphans use to bake?

Self-raising dough.

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Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

My sister told me she just baked some synonym buns...

I replied “you mean, just like the ones grammar used to make?”

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[NSFW] Baking cakes

A teenage boy wants to have sex with his girlfriend, but tells his parents that she's coming over to help him bake cakes while they're at work.

After doing the deed and spending some time with her, he walks her home before returning to his own house, his younger brother having arrived home i...

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What do you get when you eat peanut butter and baked beans?

A fart that sticks to the roof of your ass

A little IDAHO HUMOR From John H. Hill

A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,

and finally they got married, and had a little sweet

potato, which they called 'Yam'.

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going...

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Two muffins were getting baked

One muffin turns to the other and says "Is it, like, really hot in here, or is it just me...?"

The other looks over and shouts "Holy shit, a talking muffin!"

The brownies I started making in my easy bake oven in 1987

are done if anyone wants some.

"Waiter, this bread tastes like Marijuana"

"It was baked this morning"

I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies

They smell just like burned toast

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a boy was asked to think of three good quotes at school

he went home and asked his mother, she said “a fool and his money are soon parted”

he asked his father, he said “ask and you shall receive”

he asked his grandfather, who served the military, he said, “where the battle rages, there the loyalty of the soldier is proved”

he went ba...

I don't understand what's so hard about describing a single portion of a soft and sweet baked good.

Honestly, it's a piece of cake.

Made this joke up at my great grandmother's house while she was baking today.

One day a baker is trying to sell his bread on the streets but nobody will buy it. He goes home and on the way meets a witch. The witch tells the baker, "I'll make your bread the most special bread in the world! No other bread will be like to bread you make, but you have to pay be 50 gold!"
The b...

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Did you know prostitutes can bake?

I was surprised too, but when I asked her for a creampie, she said she would make it happen!

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