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Bake Jokes

Wife asks her husband to fix the fridge. He replies "What am I, a repairman?" So she got their neighbor to fix it. She tells her husb "It's fixed. Our neighbor said he would fix it if I either slept with him or baked him a pie."

Husband laughs and asks "So what kind of pie did you bake him?"

Wife replies "What am I, a baker?"

How does a stoner bake his Christmas ham?

420°, glaze it.

I have shop, where you can drink Jack Daniels and bake

I call it Whisky Businnes

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.


One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so...

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Did you hear Jamaica is making a spinoff of the British Bake Off about cooking spicy chicken?

It's called the Jamaican Jerk Off.

Time to open a pub that serves nothing but expensive beers and baked beans

I'll call it Farts & Crafts.

What did they call the first person to bake a pie?

A pie-oneer.

Ina Garten said she bakes dishes 10 times before baking them for guests.

Must be nice to have all that dough.

What did the twice-baked potato say before it was put in the oven?

Damn, foiled again!

For cookery class, our homework was to bake something.

I said I'd bake dog biscuits.

No idea how to, but i have a great excuse when i don't hand in my homework.

How do you bake a 3D cake if you are out of flour?

You use foreshortening.

A husband and wife are having breakfast

The wife asks him: ‘Honey could you take a look at the bathroom door, it seems a little stuck’

‘Do I look like a carpenter?’

‘And the toilet is also clogged.. i’d take a look at that as well’

‘Do I look like a plumber?’

‘Oh and theres a tile loose on our kitchen floor’...

Does everyone love to bake cakes for policemen?

Some do, some donut.

When the young husband reached home from the office he found his wife in tears.

"Oh, John," she sobbed on his shoulder. "I had baked a lovely cake and put it out on the back porch for the frosting to dry and the dog ate it!"

"Well, don't cry about it, sweetheart," he consoled, patting the pretty flushed cheek. "I know a man who will give us another dog."


...

Once, me and my family wanted to bake some marshmallows in the campfire.

We had the poles with marshmallows sticked to them prepared when we heard sirens. We all ran out to see what happened. The neighbours' house was on fire and I saw a lot of firefighters trying to get the fire under control. The neighbours looked at us with pure disgust. That was the moment I realized...

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There were three young men who got lost on a mountain hike in the night.

The snow was raging, and all three were freezing and starving, desperate for shelter and food.

Fortunately, they encountered a house in the woods. They knocked on the door, hoping to get a place to sleep for the night and something to eat.

An old, hideosly ugly woman opened the door. H...

A baker recently joined MI5…

… he was given confidential information on a knead the dough basis

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What does a bandmember of Pantera call it when they bake a dick-shaped cake?

Vulgar display of flour.

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a guy walks into a restaurant with an ostrich...

A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "...

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What do you bet when you bake a cream pie at 37°C for 40 weeks straight?

A baby.

Why does the baker rarely get into arguments?

He's a loafer, not a fighter.

What Do You Call It When Someone Only Bakes Pastries?

A bread schtick

My cousin died recently in an accident at the bakery....

He always said he wanted me to be a baker too, he told me I was bread for baking. I never tried it because I wanted to do it for the right reasons, not just because I knead the dough... then I found out that he was killed... a new baker put too much yeast in a large batch of dough and it rose too mu...

Give a man an edible, he'll be baked for a day...

Put a man in an oven, and he'll be baked for the rest of his life.

Why don’t they bake bread in churches?

It takes 3 days for the bread to rise

My Indian girlfriend can't decide if she wants to bake bread the same way as he parents

She'll either end up as a non-conformist or a naan-conformist

Saw a homeless man eating a tin of baked beans and I thought it was really sad, so I walked over to him and said...

"I think you're supposed to open that first"

Why did the baker take a 24 hour break from baking bread?

It was his cake day!

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Ever since the government lockdown, my neighbor has had to run her business out of her backyard. She bakes delicious pastries.

Google Back Door Cream Pies if you're interested.

The new blonde waitress at the truck stop

A nasty and mean looking trucker came into a Truck Stop Cafe' and placed his order. He said I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.'

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out ther...

What’s baked every day and sells itself?

My sister.

Why are cookies called cookies, and bacon is called bacon, but you have to bake cookies and cook bacon?

It's like that Parkway / Driveway mess up, all over again!

What do you get if you cross the king of Wakanda with a traditional Jewish baked good?

T’challah bread

My wife baked me a cake and I told her I was sending it to Budapest.

She asked why Budapest.

I said I'd renamed my stomach Budapest

She asked why again

Because Budapest is the capital of Hungry.

She is divorcing me.

I decided to bake every letter of the alphabet, when my first pastry gained sentience. It was very excited to be able to think and reason.

I guess it's a happy caked A for me!

I signed up to volunteer at a pro-life bake sale

I'll be selling cups of uncooked batter and insisting they're actually cupcakes

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Elder sitting on his porch with his grandson.

G'son: "Grandpa, can I try your cigar?" G'pa: "Can you touch your dick to your asshole?" G'son: "No" G'pa: "Then no you can't." G'son: "Grandpa, can I try a sip of your beer?" G'pa "Can you touch your dick to your asshole?" G'son: "No" G'pa: "Then no you can't." Grandson goes inside the house and re...

A customer walks into a bakery and orders a loaf of bread. As the baker wraps the loaf, the customer says, "You know, I bake my own bread at home, but they come out dense."

The baker looks up suspiciously and says, "Yeah, prove it."

I decided to eat my baked beans through my nose.

In Heinz sight, it was a terrible decision.

A boy walks into a bakery

He goes to the counter and asks the baker: “you got cucumber pie?” The baker answers: “We don’t, sorry”

The next day, the same boy goes to the same bakery, walks to the counter and asks the baker: “you got cucumber pie?” Again, the baker answers “we still don’t, sorry!”

After the kid l...

A Viking is out shopping when he comes across an old woman in a wheelchair crying.

"What's wrong?" asks the Viking.

"Well," the woman says, wiping her tears, "I have been living on my own for many months now, and my daughter and son-in-law have at last come to visit me. My daughter has brought me along on this shopping trip, but it's the first time I've really been out and ...

A guy starts working at a bakery

He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the superv...

I was trying to bake an egg-based dish with fresh vegetables but my wife told me not to

I said “why don’t you like quiche”

I may not know how to bake toilet paper

But I do know how to brown one side.

Church bake sale

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies Group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.

She remembered it the morning of the bake sale, and after rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying ...

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[OC, long] There's a new MLM scheme going around getting housewives to bake cookies, cake, and bread.

"Independent Businesses Owners" buy frozen pastries and mixes from the company, bake them in a timeshare commercial kitchen space, and try to sell them at their office, church, kids' activities, public events, and through social media. The typical.

One of my coworkers, Amanda, recently invite...

My local Baker says he can bake 20 loaves of bread in one hour with one small oven...

I said prove it.

To your cake batter, slowly stir in the GPU and CPU and sprinkle crushed motherboard. Put in oven on bake.

Once done, serve and enjoy! PC cake.

So this vampire wants to bake some cookies...

It's a gloomy day, and this vampire thinks some chocolate chip cookies will cheer him up. Now he's not much of a baker, so he decided to walk to the store from some of that fine, premade cookie dough. He's walking home, excited, and the weather's clearing up and the sun is coming out. It's turning ...

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What’s the difference between a poorly baked pastry dish and a cash-grabbing prick?

One’s a shit pie and the other’s Ajit Pai.

The cops confiscated all my brownies at a bake sale.

Jokes on them, the weed was in the apple pie.

Have you heard about the new trend? People are putting baked goods on their ear studs

Its pie-on-earring fashion

I'm amazed none of my coworkers at the crematorium liked my bake sale idea

I locally sourced the flour

What do orphans use to bake?

Self-raising dough.

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What do you call a cake baked by a prostitute?

Hoe Made

Joke: Ever wonder if you’re actually baked or just paranoid?

You’re not alone ...

My girlfriend baked me a cake for cake day with a cute note on it...

...

It was the icing on the cake

What does a witch use to bake cookies?

An Easy Bake Coven

How do you know the cookies you left to bake inside your hot car are good ?

The baby stopped screaming.

A young woman was preparing a ham dinner…..

After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking.
Her friend asked her, 'Why did you cut off the end of the ham'?
And she replied , 'I really don't know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to.'
Later when talking to her mother she asked her why sh...

I came up with a get rich quick scheme to sell Indian sourdough bread you bake at home

...but it turned out that plan was a Naan starter.

I was going to bake a pie in honor of today.

But it would be irrational.

What do you call a half baked joke?

A pun in the oven.

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Did you know prostitutes can bake?

I was surprised too, but when I asked her for a creampie, she said she would make it happen!

I found the perfect addition to any kitchen. Blend, mix, chop...even bake!

It's called a wife.

Ow! Dammit, that hurt! Apparently can throw really well too.

Did you hear about the French guy that got baked into a huge baguette?

He was in a lot of pain

I met this really short man called Peter the other day. He's a baker and he was telling me all about baking flat breads...

It was fascinating....

I love the pitta patter of tiny Pete.

What is a Klansman's favorite ingredient to bake with?

White flour

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My Grandmother was excited to hear that some cookies at the bake sale were baked by genuine prostitutes

Grandma did always have a soft spot for ho-made products.

Just stole a freshly baked loaf of bread.

Call that a hot take.

The brownies I started making in my easy bake oven in 1987

are done if anyone wants some.

How many blondes do you need to bake a chocolat cake?

Three. One for the dough and two are peeling the M&Ms

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Old Sven collapsed one chill November Saturday after chopping maple wood near his house in the birch forest, five miles outside of Eagle River, Wisconsin.

He arose, sauntered home and changed into his flannel, tractor-print pajamas. It grew quiet and his breathing became labored. So, Sven lay down on the plaid-quilted single bed in the green guest room. His wife, Lena, tended to his care. He said nothing and sipped only a cup of water or two. On the e...

What do you call a dish when you baked more than one octopus?

An Octopi.

How many Blondes does it take to bake chocolate chip cookies?

10....one to bake the cookies, and 9 to peel the M&Ms

My sister told me she just baked some synonym buns...

I replied “you mean, just like the ones grammar used to make?”

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Trying to bake a cake, but they keep coming out undercooked and smelling like shit.

That's the last time I use a Dutch oven.

A baker bakes 73,247 baguettes in a year and sells each for $2.73. What does he make?

Bread.

Why have all the baked beans move to Queensland?

Because they like to live in Cairns

Made this joke up at my great grandmother's house while she was baking today.

One day a baker is trying to sell his bread on the streets but nobody will buy it. He goes home and on the way meets a witch. The witch tells the baker, "I'll make your bread the most special bread in the world! No other bread will be like to bread you make, but you have to pay be 50 gold!"
The b...

I don't understand what's so hard about describing a single portion of a soft and sweet baked good.

Honestly, it's a piece of cake.

How does Michael J. Fox bake cookies?

By using only the finest ingredients.

A baker gets caught stealing from the reigning champion the night before the Big Bake-off.

If you want to win, sometimes you got to take a whisk.

My work had a bake sale today

We raised a lot of dough.

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[NSFW] Baking cakes

A teenage boy wants to have sex with his girlfriend, but tells his parents that she's coming over to help him bake cakes while they're at work.

After doing the deed and spending some time with her, he walks her home before returning to his own house, his younger brother having arrived home i...

A friend told me she was going to bake some cookies to relieve some stress...

I told her, “that makes scents.”

Two muffins are being baked in an oven

The first one looks over to the second one and says: Hey, whats cookin'

What do you get if you bake weed into apple pastry?

A high turnover.

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