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Sweet Jokes

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

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A sweet, little old lady walks into a bar frequented by the baddest biker gang around.

She walks up to the leader, a real mountain of a man, and say she wants to join. He can barely contain his laughter, and decides to have some fun with her before he tells her off.

"Do you even own a bike?" he asks.

"I do. It's parked right outside."

"Do you swear?"

"More ...

Why was the blonde snorting Sweet and Low?

She thought it was diet coke.

Sweet dreams are made of cheese

Who am I to diss-a-Brie? I cheddar the world and the feta cheese, everybody’s looking for Stilton.

How do you get a sweet little old lady to say F***?

Get another one to yell BINGO

Me: Sweet dog you got there

Policeman: Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog.

Me: Still in training, huh?

Policeman: What do you mean?

Me: Nevermind

My hot female doctor said I was sweet!!

Her exact words were, severely diabetic, but I know what she meant..

A Computer Science student at MIT showed up at his buddies dorm room with a new bike. His buddy said “sweet bike, where’d ya get it?”

“You’ll never believe this,” he said, “I was walking across campus and this beautiful blonde on a bike stopped, threw down her bike, tore off all her clothes and said _take whatever you want!_”

His buddy stared at him blankly for a minute, then said “smart. Her clothes would have never fit yo...

My mom wrote this joke: What's the difference between a sweet potato fresh out of the oven and a pig thrown off a balcony?

One is a heated yam and the other is a yeeted ham

I had a date tonight. It was pretty sweet.

Next, I’m going to try a fig.

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A woman gets off a roller coaster at an amusement park. Feeling dizzy from the ride, she immediately falls to the ground, unconscious.

She wakes up to find a man rubbing her breasts. "What are you doing?" she asks.

"I was just reviving you," replies the man. "When I saw you unconscious on the ground, I lightly slapped you, but nothing happened. I rubbed your wrists, but nothing happened. I even gave you mouth to mouth, but s...

Not all babies are sweet...

Some require a lot of sauce to even be edible.

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

I bought this sweet car online

Turns out it used to be owned by Neil Diamond

A sweet couple in their 80's...

A couple in their 80's were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man get...

My boss pulled up to work in his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied:

"Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."

What's the difference between a yam and a sweet potato?

2.99 a pound.

“I work with animals,” the man says to his date. “That’s so sweet,” she replies.

“I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?”

“I’m a butcher,” he says.

The sweet potato was telling his mother he was going to marry Norah O'Donnell.

His mother was shocked and told him, "No. You can't do that. She's only a commentator."

When I see lover's name on a tree, I dont think it's sweet

I think it tastes more like bark, to be honest.

He: "I took a day off on Feb 14th". She: "Oh ! That's so sweet darling, I love you".

He: "Do you think you can help me sell 2.000 flowers in one day ?"

Starchy veg like sweet potatoes can help to prevent a hangover.

I drink, therefore I yam.

What kind of drink can be bitter and sweet?

Reali-tea.

A man goes to a diner and orders a grilled cheese sandwich and a glass of room temperature sweet tea.

When his food arrives he takes a sip of the tea but finds it to be scorching hot.
"Ow!" yells the man, "I asked for this to be room temperature!"
"It is, sir" says the waiter "The kitchen is on fire."

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A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check wi...

When I see lovers' nαmes cαrved in α tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how mαny people bring a knife on a dαte.

EDIT I removed comments with α since some of you didn't like it.

Also this is an old joke . Look some posts from several years ago. https://twitter.com/biiimurray/status/361654153811996672.

http://www.su...

So it's a sweet old couple happily living life.

One day the wife went in for a medical exam and when she came home she reported to her husband, "The doctor says I have the heart of a 50-year-old, lungs of a 40-year-
old, and the blood pressure of a 25-year-old."

The husband replies, "Oh really? And what did he say about your 70-year-o...

As we were driving down the road, "Sweet Caroline" came on the radio. I said to my son, "Little known fact, Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal."

"Until the pressure got to him."

I invited my girlfriend of 3 months to a party for my 13 year old nephew. She let out an audible "awww," told me how sweet I was and that my invitation meant the world to her.

Should've seen the look on her face when I told her it was a search party.

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my sweet girlfriend

They said every girl has a room in her heart for someone special, but my girlfriend's heart was a fucking hotel

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A sweet old lady took her awful grandkids to the Grand Canyon.

These kids were the worst. Constantly fighting, constantly screaming, constantly doing things they shouldn't, actively trying to piss off everyone else. Finally they sent her over the edge. >!Those kids are stronger than they look.!<

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A woman goes to the doctor, beaten Black and Blue - NSFW, Language

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten Black and Blue.

**Doctor:** "What happened?"

**Woman:** "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

**Doctor:** "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just...

There’s a great actor who can no longer remember his lines, and when word gets out, no one will hire him.

After many years he finally finds a theater that is prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, “This is the most important part, but it has only one line. You walk out on stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff...

I met a girl, very sweet, she said her name was Persephone. I said “that’s a wonderful name, you certainly don’t hear that everyday…..”.

She just said, ‘Actually, I do.’

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After a hour of labor, a woman gives birth to a beautiful baby boy..

Moments after taking his first breath in the real world, the baby looks at the doctor holding him and asks, "Are you my father?" The doctor responds, "No sweet child, I am not your father."

The doctor hands the baby to his mother. As she gazes into his eyes lovingly, the baby asks, "Are you m...

I don't understand all these jokes about mothers-in-law.

Mine is sweet, supportive, and a great influence on me and my wife. I can't say anything bad about her.

Honey, I just bought these special olympic style condoms!

Husband- "Honey, I just bought these special olympic style condoms!"

Wife- "Olympic style condoms, what makes them so speical?"

Husband- "They come in 3 colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze."

Wife- "Oo, sweet. What color are you gonna wear tonight?"

Husband- "Gold ofc!"
...

Sweet Wife: Do you love me....

Sweet Wife: Do you love me just because my father left a lot of money for me?
Naughty Husband: Not-at-all honey. I would love you no matter who left money for you.

Donald and Melania Trump are actually a very sweet couple.

He's her sugar daddy, and she's his arm candy.

My Chinese wife never understands what I want when I say "69". It's getting really frustrating.

On the other hand, I do like beef with broccoli in sweet and sour sauce.

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An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man walk into a bar with their wives...

They all order tea. The Englishman, wanting to be sweet, said to his wife, "Pass the sugar, sugar." The Scottish man, thinking the same, says to his wife, "Pass the honey, honey." The Irish man, not wanting to be outdone, says to his wife, "Pass the milk you fucking cow."

Short and sweet cannibal joke

Did you know cannibals don’t exist anymore... I ate the last one yesterday

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One Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light and next to him is a little girl on her brand-new bike.

The cop says to the young girl, "Nice bike you got there sweetheart. Did Santa bring that to you?"

“Yes, he did,” she replied sweetly.

With a smile on his face, the cop says "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike,” and he proceeds to hand the girl a $20 ticket....

my grandad was such a sweet person on the inside

it's a shame we didnt notice before the diabetes killed him

Did you know King Henry VIII had an insatiable sweet tooth and was particularly fond of honey?

It's why two of his wives were bee-headed

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Joke #3481 A man receives the bad news that he's going to die in the morning

Through an unfortunate miracle of medical science, a man receives the worst news possible from his doctor.

"I'm sorry, but tomorrow morning at precisely 7:23, you're going to have a brain clot that will kill you."

The man is stunned. "But I don't even feel sick!"

The doctor exp...

Once upon a time, in a magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, ...

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Looking for good president jokes.

Please post jokes that can't be just copy-pasted from one administration to another.

Here, I'll start.

George Bush and Dick Cheney stopped in to a small diner for breakfast while touring through the country.

The waitress comes to take their orders. Cheney orders an omelette. Sh...

A man was travelling the countryside with his 8-year-old daughter. One particularly stormy night they were forced to take shelter in a local mansion owned by a lonely widow. The widow was happy to receive guests and was very hospitable for the two weary travellers.

The next morning the father said to his daughter:

"I have to take care of some business in the nearby town. Mrs. Sterling has kindly agreed to look after you while I'm gone. I will be back tomorrow morning. Promise to be good while I'm gone."

"Yes father, I promise", the little girl sa...

My wife is so sweet

Every time she goes to a bar alone she gives me her wedding ring so I can think about her all night long.

Wanna see something short and sweet?

look in a mirror

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There once was a sweet little spider...

There once was a sweet little spider

who thought a dark corner would hide her.

Whilst a fly she was shucking

A dyson came sucking

Was I sad? No 'cause fuck little spiders.

A peeny pinching dad was throwing his daughter a sweet 16 birthday

He wanted her to have a nice party but didn't want to spend a lot of money. He made all the arrangements at the bare minimum to satisfy his daughter's wishes, everything except the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an nice bakery?" his wife suggested.

He called all around town and...

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Sweet Tea

A doctor walks in an exam room to find a woman crying. She has two black eyes, her make up is running, and generally looks like shit. This is not going to be a standard check-up, he thinks to himself. "What happened to you?" asked the Doc.


The woman breaks down even further and can ba...

A life-long atheist dies and is surprised to find himself before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter sadly shakes his head and tells him that because of his non-belief, he must be sent to Hell. The Devil greets him there and shows him where he will now spend eternity,

a lovely cozy cottage set on a beautiful hillside where the sweet smell of flowers fills the air. The Devil tells him he will want for nothing and to feel free to walk the grounds. One day, while he is out strolling through the idyllic gardens, he comes across a tall wall. Curious, he climbs one of ...

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the da...

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A man asks his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?" She replied, "I'd take half then leave you."

"Sweet!", he replied. "I won $20. Here's $10. Now bugger off."

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ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questionly.

"That was my pager," she said. " I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her...

Bea was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all...

Well, her pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlour.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut crystal bowl sitting on top of ...

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A man calls his friend

Tells him, hey man! I opened my own business. Its a brothel. You should come by! Were having specials now as the business is newly opened!

\-Oh yeah? What prices do you offer?

Well, we're having a special on Anal, thats $100, BJs are also on sale, for only $20.

\-Wow, those pric...

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Xi Jinping was on his balcony during the early morning, admiring all that Bejing has become

He inhaled a sweet breath of fresh Bejing air and looked East to see the sun smiling down.

"Hello, Sun", said Xi Jinping.

The sun replied "Hello Glorious Leader, the architect of a grand Communist Utopia. Best wishes leading your already prosperous nation."

Xi Jinping, despite h...

Sweet Old couple

A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night.

Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who h...

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So, I've dating a really Sweet Korean girl...

I think she's my Seoul mate.

Edit: First Platinum thank you kind stranger!

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A German tourist jumped in freezing water to save my sweet little dog who was drowning.

After he climbed out, the man handed me the dog and said, “here is ze dog; keep him warm, dry him off, and he’ll be fine.”

“Are you a vet?” I asked.

He replied, “Vet?…I’m fucking soaking.”

Sweet poem

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
This joke is overused,
Your sister, too.

My sister said the song, “Sweet Home Alabama” sucks.

So I told her it sucks better than she ever could.

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"Your penis is so sweet!"

Ah, it's nuttin' honey.

It's sweet getting stoned in a swamp:

I call it a marsh mellow.

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A married man had a sweet young thing of a secretary and decided to take her to dinner.

A married man had a sweet young thing of a secretary and
decided to take her to dinner. He called his wife to tell
her that he had to "work late" and she said, "no problem."

After dinner they went back to her apartment and had mad sex
for hours. On the way home he noticed a huge hick...

My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.

The decision was a piece of cake.

My wife is very sweet

She's my honey.

I played "Sweet Home Alabama" to my sister since I learned the guitar recently

Nothing happened.

But our kids loved it

My morning was really bitter sweet today.

This is the last time I’m drinking spoiled milk with sugar

Sweet Young Boy

One day, a boy named Tom got on a very crowded bus.

Sitting opposite him was a fat lady who said, "If you were a polite young man, you'd let someone sit down."

"If you were a polite lady," Tom replied, "you'd let FOUR people sit down!"

Sweet dreams

My father used to tell me that to have a good night's sleep, he must insult dairy products, but he always felt it wasn't his place to yell at cheeses.

I never questioned him until one day I couldn't stand it anymore and asked him why he felt that way

He looked me in the eye and said: "...

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Bob was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting.

He traveled
up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on
his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.


The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake. That bear is my cousin, I’m going to give you two choices. Either I mau...

Say what you will about "Sweet Home Alabama"

At least it's family friendly

A old sweet couple driving enter the highway

She turns on the radio and hears: Alert! Alert! All drivers! There’s a car driving the wrong way on the highway!
Her husband replies: a car on the wrong way? I see like 20 in front of me.

What do you get when you cross a llama and a sweet potato?

You get a Yyama!

The vacation in Thailand

Two Priests decided to go to Thailand on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests.

For once, they’d enjoy a vacation as regular people.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought ...

I may be sweet like sugar,

but I'll still beet you with my cane!

A sweet young girl entered a pet shop

and asked, "Do you have widdle wabbits?"


The shopkeeper knelt down, smiled and asked, "Do you want a widdle white wabby, or a thoft fuwwy bwack wabby, or a cute widdle bwown wabby?"


She put her hands on her hips and said quietly, "I don’t fink my pet python weally gives a...

"Home Sweet Home"?

This drywall tastes bitter as hell to me!

John Candy offered John Goodman sweets

John: Candy?
John: Nah, I'm good, man.

My Thai girlfriend said, "These sweets are Haribo."



"Then don't eat them," I replied.

Everyone knows I have a sweet tooth.

Well, I used to, anyway. It fell off.

What do you call a nameless sweet dish?

Anonymousse.

It wasn't easy, but me and my wife decided we do not want children

We will be telling them tomorrow.

Edit: They didn't take it that well, they just kept crying when we left them at gas station.

Edit 2: Oh, it's all fine, a group of old men comforted them and brought them to their van for sweets, we left in good faith.

A calm, respected woman walks into a Pharmacy

As she walks in, she goes right up to the pharmacist, looks him straight into his eyes and said;

"I would like to buy some cyanide,"

The pharmacist asked her:

"why in the world do you need cyanide?"

She said:

"I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmaci...

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A young man tells his Mom he’s gay

A young man decides that the upcoming holiday is a good time to tell his Mom that he's gay. He's in college, making new friends, and will eventually want to bring one of them home to meet the family. He spends the drive home going over the conversation, what he'll say, what she'll say, how he'll ans...

Remember kids, if a strange man offers you sweets,

There's probably more in his car!

I used to have an obsession for sweet foods with a hole in the middle

I donut care for them anymore though

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George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas

When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."

"Harriet, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That swee...

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