When I see couple’s names carved into a tree, I don’t think it’s sweet.

I think it’s strange how many people take a knife on a date.

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A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check wi...

There’s a sweet old couple happily living life.

One day the wife went in for a medical exam and when she came home she reported to her husband, "The doctor says I have the heart of a 50-year-old, lungs of a 40-year-old, and the blood pressure of a 25-year-old."

The husband replies, "Oh really? And what did he say about your 70-year-old ass...

A doctor flirted with me today, she said I was really sweet!

I think she meant I was really sweet, she worded it differently and said “you’re severely diabetic” but I know what she meant. She said I’m type 2 and I told her she’s my type too

What’s the difference between a microwaved sweet potato, and a thrown pig?

One’s a heated yam, and the other’s a yeeted ham.

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

Wanna see something short and sweet?

look in a mirror

My new vehicle came with a dispenser that makes sweet tea forever...

It’s a Infinite-tea.

Did you hear about the sweet potato truck that crashed on the interstate?

It caused a huge traffic yam.

Roses are red, sugar is sweet,

A huge controversy starts
just with a tweet

Me: Sweet dog you got there

Police officer: Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog.

Me: Still in training, huh?

Police officer: What do you mean?

Me: Nevermind

My morning was really bitter sweet today.

This is the last time I’m drinking spoiled milk with sugar

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A sweet, beautiful young would-be starlet comes to Hollywood to seek her fortune.

At her first power cocktail party she goes to the host and asks him "Who's the most powerful man in the room?"

“That would be Jeff over there by the caviar" he says.

The young woman walks over to Jeff and says "Excuse me, Jeff, would you mind stepping back behind this column? I'd lik...

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Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, eating six bars of chocolate.

A man walked up and noticed Johnny devouring the sweets.

“Son,” said the man, “eating too much candy isn’t good for you.”

“My grandfather lived to be 100,” Johnny replies.

“Did he eat six chocolate bars a day, too?” the man asks.

“No,” said Johnny, “He minded his own fuck...

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A sweet, little old lady walks into a bar frequented by the baddest biker gang around.

She walks up to the leader, a real mountain of a man, and say she wants to join. He can barely contain his laughter, and decides to have some fun with her before he tells her off.

"Do you even own a bike?" he asks.

"I do. It's parked right outside."

"Do you swear?"

"More ...

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

A old sweet couple driving enter the highway

She turns on the radio and hears: Alert! Alert! All drivers! There’s a car driving the wrong way on the highway!
Her husband replies: a car on the wrong way? I see like 20 in front of me.

What kind of drink can be bitter and sweet?

Reali-tea.

So, A man is pulled over......

A man stops on a traffic signal and is waiting.Suddenly the police asks him to pull over.He pulls over the car and and the police sees that the man is wearing his seatbelt and looks fine.

The police is satisfied and pleased to see a good samaritan.He hands the man $100 and says:

Police...

I thought my son would like that I bought him a trampoline, but oh sweet marry no.

Welp he just wants to sit. And cry in his wheelchair.

I'm married to several sweet bears

I'm a big fan of polygummy.

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An old man is on his death bed

His wife is there with him. He gently grabs her hand and begins:"My sweet wife...Do you remember that time when in the first spring in our new house, I was pruning that old tree and a branch hit me in the head, getting me ten stitches?"

Wife: "Yes, my love. I remember."

Husband: "You w...

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

Two Priests decided to go to Goa on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests......

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach
dressed in their 'tourist' garb.

They were sitting on the beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the ...

My wife is very sweet

She's my honey.

How can someone get some sweet Reddit karma when they dont deserve it?

Piece of cake

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Three young boys wander into a pharmacy...

The first one: "I wanna have the pink sweets with the jelly filling for 10p"

The old pharmacist pulls out a ladder and climbs the shelf to the top, opens the glass of candy and takes out 6 goodys, climbes down, packs them and hands them to the boy.

"So what do you want?" he asks the se...

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The confession

A man went to his church for confession and he entered the confessional.

“Forgive me Father for I have sinned.”

“What is it my son? Did you commit adultery?”

“No Father I swore.”

“Very well begin your story”

“Well I was out at the Emerald Golf course and I was on h...

As we were driving down the road, "Sweet Caroline" came on the radio. I said to my son, "Little known fact, Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal."

"Until the pressure got to him."

Here’s a sweet (But corny) joke!

Q: What do you call three packs of Twix?


A: Six.

What do you never tell your diabetic son?

Sweet dreams.

A man dies and goes to heaven

Because he always helped everyone St.Peter says he could have his afterlife wherever he wants.
First they go to the place where the people are who had been neither bad nor good. They watch movies and eat sweets.
After that they go to hell. Here the people are having a lot of fun. Famous musici...

The Goldberg Brothers - Are well known as the Inventors of the automobile Air Conditioner.

Here's a little known fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends. The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. 

The four brothers walked...

I always listen to Neil Diamond during the holidays.

He’s got sweet carol lines.

My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.

The decision was a piece of cake.

A man goes to a diner and orders a grilled cheese sandwich and a glass of room temperature sweet tea.

When his food arrives he takes a sip of the tea but finds it to be scorching hot.
"Ow!" yells the man, "I asked for this to be room temperature!"
"It is, sir" says the waiter "The kitchen is on fire."

When I see lovers' nαmes cαrved in α tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how mαny people bring a knife on a dαte.

EDIT I removed comments with α since some of you didn't like it.

Also this is an old joke . Look some posts from several years ago. https://twitter.com/biiimurray/status/361654153811996672.

http://www.su...

I played "Sweet Home Alabama" to my sister since I learned the guitar recently

Nothing happened.

But our kids loved it

Say what you will about "Sweet Home Alabama"

At least it's family friendly

It's sweet getting stoned in a swamp:

I call it a marsh mellow.

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Southern Gentleman

A real southern gentleman went to Las Vegas . Sitting in a cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady. Can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Wow, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!", gasped the girl. Then ...

A blond City girl named Amy marries a N. Dakota rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The ...

Once upon a time, in a magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, ...

4 inches is small, 6 inches will just about get the job done, 8 inches is where the sweet spot is, and 11 inches is just too big to handle.

Let me know if you have any more questions about what size telescope you should buy.

A man walks into a bar and sits next to a guy with a little head...

*After having a couple drinks the man asks the other guy, "hey, I don't mean to be rude, but how is it you have such a small head."

The guy replies, "well it's a bitter sweet story. You see when I was in the war my plane got shot down in the Pacific. I parachuted out and ended up on an desert...

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ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questionly.

"That was my pager," she said. " I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her...

A snail goes to a car meet.

A snail goes to a car meet.
Another snail goes up to him and says
"Sweet ride, is this yours?"
1st snail responds
"naw, it was my friend's. He passed away last year."
2nd snail says.
"Damn, my condolences. He has great taste though. "
1st snail then says
"yeah, escargots 0...

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A guy changing at the gym...

A guy changing at the gym answers the phone, as he’s getting dressed, naturally he just puts it on speaker, the female voice is heard
“Hey Honey, I’ve just found this beautiful designer coat and it’s on sale for £2,000 do you mind if I get it”
The guy says “well if you love it so much then yea...

A little IDAHO HUMOR From John H. Hill

A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,

and finally they got married, and had a little sweet

potato, which they called 'Yam'.

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going...

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on t...

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A young woman visits a florist to buy some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterday...

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Two brothers are in their room at night formulating a plan.

"I think we're old enough to start cussing," the older brother says. "Tomorrow morning, I'm going to say 'hell' and you're going to say 'ass', ok?" His younger brother agrees to the plan.

The boys go downstairs in the morning and their mom asks them what they would like for breakfast.
...

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So a guy goes for a walk along the tracks...

A guy goes for a walk along the train tracks one day. He sees something laying across the tracks up in the distance. As he gets closer, he realizes it’s a person. He runs up and finds himself staring at the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen, tied to the tracks. Instantly falling in love with her, ...

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My grandmother loved to cook meat so my parents bought her a boning knife for her birthday.

Everybody laughed when she unwrapped the package, held up the knife, and said sweetly, “I’ve got a six-inch boner!”

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What did the therapist counsel the jar of jam to do?

"if you'd only open up, people would realize how sweet you were."

A child was doing some dishes

A child, around 11 years old, was doing dishes.

His parents were talking in the kitchen when they noticed him furiously scrubbing at the cheese grater.

"What's the matter, James?" His mother sweetly asked. James only scrubbed harder.

'Can't...get this cheese...off...'

His...

I just bought a car. This sweet ride has four wheels and flies

Its a garbage truck

What do you do when your crush says 'You are like a brother to me.'?

Play Sweet Home Alabama.

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Three guys died the same day

3 guys all died on the same day, and they're standing in line before Peter and the pearly gates.

Peter says "ayy fellas, I'm a little full today. I tell you what. Whichever one of you has the best death story gets in today."

So ol' Pete pulls the first guy over and asks how he dies. ...

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my aunt’s ex husband used to call her his "meadow muffin" and she thought it was sweet

until she found out meadow muffin is another phrase for "cow shit".

The girl at the top of my class compared me to the worst type of cookie...

I asked them: What do you mean? How am I like the worst type of cookie?

They responded: Well, you look like you're sweet but you're really just a raisin

I looked at them puzzled, and said: Oh? You meant oatmeal raisin, I thought you meant another type of cookie

They made a confu...

I invited my girlfriend of 3 months to a party for my 13 year old nephew. She let out an audible "awww," told me how sweet I was and that my invitation meant the world to her.

Should've seen the look on her face when I told her it was a search party.

My Nan just got this sweet new senior citizen scooter

And man is that thing fast! It can do 30 aisles per hour.

Kiss in the neck can be a sweet, romantic gesture

not sure why everybody in the bus is freaking out

Yesterday, I approached a gorgeous girl, and she was pleased, which wasn't something I expected

I asked the girl for a movie.

She : "Which movie"? with a sweet smile.

Me : "You decide".

She : "No, you should decide"

Me : "No, you decide"

She : "Sir, please select which movie ticket you want. There are others behind you in the line as well"

Why do people like sweet potatoes?

Because they're yammy.

If someone asks you how much you love them

Two is a mean answer, but less than three is a sweet one

What do you call a nameless sweet dish?

Anonymousse.

What does communion wafer taste like?

Is it sweet, or is it saviour-y?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer and his best friend go to the city to get laid.

They walk into a club, the farmer finds a cute girl, and he starts sweet talking her.

Unimpressed, the girl says "I'll only go out with you if you have a 2000 acre farm, 10000 cows, and a 7 inch dick.

The farmer dies inside, and walks back to his friend. The friend asks "What happened?...

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The definition of tragedy

Donald Trump was visiting a primary school in Orlando and visited a 4th grade class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr.Trump if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious POTUS asked the class for an...

Of revenge is sweet, and revenge is a dish best served cold...

Is revenge ice cream?

Little girl at the hospital: "Nurse, you've been so kind and sweet to me. Would you please come and visit me when I get out of the hospital?"

Nurse: "Nah, graveyards give me the creeps"

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A teacher in 1st grade at school is angry with a student that always swears and pays no attention to the lesson

"what's your problem?" Teacher asks

"Miss, I think I shouldn't be in the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm far smarter than her. I should be at least in the 3rd grade" he replies.

She goes with him to the principal, with whom agree to do some knowledge tests.

-wha...

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One evening, Little Johnny, his brother Little Jimmy, and their dad, sat down to eat supper.

One evening, Little Johnny, his brother Little Jimmy, and their dad, sat down to eat supper. The dad turned to Little Jimmy and asked, "Little Jimmy, what would you like to eat first?" To this Little Jimmy replied, "I want some of them fuckin' peas." In a flash, dad slapped the shit out Little Ji...

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A lizard and a monkey smoke some weed

After a long day of surving in the African bush, Monkey and Lizard are chilling in a tree smoking a fat bush blunt. After a while Lizard tells monkey he needs a drink and goes down to the river. He bends down to take a sip and being stoned to his little lizard bones, he fell in the river and starte...

A Man and is Wife are Expecting a Baby.

He finally gets the call while at work and starts driving to the hospital. As he gets closer, he gets more and more anxious, thinking about the baby, his wife, whether it's a boy or a girl, etc. But as he's driving he hits a curb. The car's springs break, jutting through the floor and impaling him t...

Why was the blonde snorting Sweet and Low?

She thought it was diet coke.

A little British boy raises his hand to ask his teacher a question

"Miss, My mother says freedom is the most beautiful thing in the world. What does freedom mean?"

The teacher seeing the importance of this question for the sweet, innocent child, thinks quickly about how best to respond.

She smiles sweetly and says "Why don't you come up and tell the c...

Dad on his death bed: Son, I have to tell you something

Son under his breath: I bet I’m adopted

Dad: You were ado...

Dad dies

Son: Knew it

Dad wakes up: You were adorable as a baby

Dad dies

Son: Awww, thats so sweet

Dad wakes up: That’s why we adopted you

Diagnosis Explained

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal.
The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I g...

A calm, respected woman walks into a Pharmacy

As she walks in, she goes right up to the pharmacist, looks him straight into his eyes and said;

"I would like to buy some cyanide,"

The pharmacist asked her:

"why in the world do you need cyanide?"

She said:

"I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmaci...

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A man asks his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?" She replied, "I'd take half then leave you."

"Sweet!", he replied. "I won $20. Here's $10. Now bugger off."

My wife told me you've aged like a fine wine. More complex, more flavoursome, increased sweetness. Overall tastier

But with more body

Short and sweet cannibal joke

Did you know cannibals don’t exist anymore... I ate the last one yesterday

I had a date tonight. It was pretty sweet.

Next, I’m going to try a fig.

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[NSFW] A joke translated from Mandarin

A Japanese man went to a famous Chinese restaurant in China, where he was served a platter of prawns. He asked the waiter, "In China, what do you do with the leftover prawn shells?" The waiter replied "Of course we throw them away." The Japanese man shook his head and said "No! In Japan, we send the...

What did the priest call the scrumptiously, sweet little parishioner?

Confessioner's sugar.

2 blondes are on a Cruise on the Nile. Unfortunately they fall overboard. After a while crocodiles start approaching them. One blond sees them and tells the other:

“Oh look how sweet! Rescue boats from Lacoste!”

My Thai girlfriend said, "These sweets are Haribo."



"Then don't eat them," I replied.

I was under the impression that the girl on my blind date thought I was sweet.

Turns out that’s not what she meant when she called me unsavoury.

So once, when I went fishing with my dad

there was this guy who had already set himself at a really good spot towards the edge of the lake.
So we sat there with our hooks and all set up but were having a hard day catching a single one. Meanwhile, the dude was doing quite well, having really nice catches one after the other as bypassers...

No stealing!!

So I saw a sweet little girl in the park selling cupcakes so I purchased one and as I savoured it's flavor I asked her," don't you ever get tempted to take one of them?" She looked at me in shock,"no! That would be stealing. I only lick them and put them right back."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, I've dating a really Sweet Korean girl...

I think she's my Seoul mate.

Edit: First Platinum thank you kind stranger!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man goes on a date with a very short girl.

Despite her stature she is pretty sweet and beautiful. The date is going well and after a long walk he decided to walk her home.

As they are walking they start holding hands, kissing and finally they start making out against a wall in a dark alley. The man is getting horny so he sees a hook u...

I may be sweet like sugar,

but I'll still beet you with my cane!

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