My mom wrote this joke: What's the difference between a sweet potato fresh out of the oven and a pig thrown off a balcony?

One is a heated yam and the other is a yeeted ham

A Computer Science student at MIT showed up at his buddies dorm room with a new bike. His buddy said “sweet bike, where’d ya get it?”

“You’ll never believe this,” he said, “I was walking across campus and this beautiful blonde on a bike stopped, threw down her bike, tore off all her clothes and said _take whatever you want!_”

His buddy stared at him blankly for a minute, then said “smart. Her clothes would have never fit yo...

Sweet dreams are made of cheese.

\-Who am I to dissabrie?

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A German tourist jumped in freezing water to save my sweet little dog who was drowning.

After he climbed out, the man handed me the dog and said, “here is ze dog; keep him warm, dry him off, and he’ll be fine.”

“Are you a vet?” I asked.

He replied, “Vet?…I’m fucking soaking.”

As I moved my hand up her leg I said, "Baby, your legs are the sauce. I'm going to name them Sweet and Sour."

And then I discovered they came with McNuggets.

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One Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light and next to him is a little girl on her brand-new bike.

The cop says to the young girl, "Nice bike you got there sweetheart. Did Santa bring that to you?"

“Yes, he did,” she replied sweetly.

With a smile on his face, the cop says "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike,” and he proceeds to hand the girl a $20 ticket....

There was once a forest man named Imm...

Imm always wanted to have a child and would always talk about it to his best friend Epp. One day when they were in their early twenties, Epp met a girl and quickly fell in love. Not long after, Epp and his girlfriend got married and had a baby girl they named Goo. Imm was happy for Epp at first, but...

On a date

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on itallian bread, make with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the sa...

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering ...

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A woman gets off a roller coaster at an amusement park. Feeling dizzy from the ride, she immediately falls to the ground, unconscious.

She wakes up to find a man rubbing her breasts. "What are you doing?" she asks.

"I was just reviving you," replies the man. "When I saw you unconscious on the ground, I lightly slapped you, but nothing happened. I rubbed your wrists, but nothing happened. I even gave you mouth to mouth, but s...

A husband was sleeping next to his blind wife…

He woke up feeling his wife’s hands touching all over his face. Annoyed he asked, “What are you doing?”

In a sweet voice she said, “I just love watching you sleep.”

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George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas

When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."

"Harriet, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That swee...

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Two 5 yr old twin brothers are laying in bed one night discussing how to act more grownup around mom and dad.

Suddenly one of the brothers says, "why don't we curse like grownups"? The other brother says, "great idea, what should we say". "I'll curse like daddy and say Aw Hell". "Oooh, good one I'll say You bet your sweet ass like mom says". They decide to surprise their mom the next morning at breakfast an...

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A sweet, little old lady walks into a bar frequented by the baddest biker gang around.

She walks up to the leader, a real mountain of a man, and say she wants to join. He can barely contain his laughter, and decides to have some fun with her before he tells her off.

"Do you even own a bike?" he asks.

"I do. It's parked right outside."

"Do you swear?"

"More ...

Every Trip

A businessman packing for a trip glances in his briefcase. "Honey," he says to his wife. "Yes, darling?" she replies. "Honey," he says, in mild exasperation, "Why do you persist in putting a condom in my briefcase every time I go on a trip? You know I only have eyes for you. I'd never be unfaithful....

The Goldberg Brothers - Are well known as the Inventors of the automobile Air Conditioner.

Here's a little known fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends. The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. 


The four brothers ...

I used to have an obsession for sweet foods with a hole in the middle

I donut care for them anymore though

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A blind man goes to his local Subway everyday for lunch

One Monday, he went up to his subway and ordered his usual BLT. He enjoyed BLT’s, and they were easy to order since he couldn’t point at the ingredients he wanted due to his blindness. The worker gave the man his sub, and the man ate his sub only to find it tasted sweet and juicy. He went up to the ...

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A man is driving home one night and almost falls asleep while driving...

"God dammit," he thought, "I'll never be able to stay awake on the road, and I don't have money for a motel. I'm not gonna risk it, I'll just pull over to the side of the road and take a little nap."

He parks his car just outside of a park, and kicks his seat back. "I don't need much, maybe j...

How Old

His wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics absolutely guaranteed to make her looks years longer. She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours applying the "miracle" products.

Finally, when she was done, she turned to her husband and said, "Honey, honestly now, what...

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A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check wi...

I like both sweet snacks and salty snacks

I’m bisnacksual

A doctor flirted with me today, she said I was really sweet!

I think she meant I was really sweet, she worded it differently and said “you’re severely diabetic” but I know what she meant. She said I’m type 2 and I told her she’s my type too

A peeny pinching dad was throwing his daughter a sweet 16 birthday

He wanted her to have a nice party but didn't want to spend a lot of money. He made all the arrangements at the bare minimum to satisfy his daughter's wishes, everything except the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an nice bakery?" his wife suggested.

He called all around town and...

Not all babies are sweet...

Some require a lot of sauce to even be edible.

Sentient meat

2 Aliens meeting on their starship after a scan of the solar system:

Are there any lifeforms in that solar system

Well it's difficult to really explain

What do you mean

They're made out of meat.

Meat?

Meat. They're made out of meat.

Meat?

There...

My girlfriend is so sweet and loving, plus she plays in goal for the local football team

She's a keeper

Two Irish priests decided to go on a vacation to Barcelona.

They were determined to make this a real vacation
by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store
and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach...

Get a job

A young man in a small town graduates from high school. His father comes to him that evening and tells him “Son, you’re a man now. You need to start contributing to this household. Go get a job.”

The young man is rightfully concerned. Work prospects in his town are slim. The only jobs availab...

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A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterd...

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A couple at a bar

In a nightclub, a girl invites her boyfriend for a drink. She orders a whiskey-soda for herself and a Bailey with lemon juice aside for him. - What did you order from me? the guy is surprised. - A Bailey with a lemon juice on the side! You will see, you will be amazed! - I don't know ... The bartend...

A family of potatoes sat down to dinner...

...There was a mom potato, dad potato, and three daughter potatoes. The oldest daughter potato said "I have exciting news! I'm getting married!"

The family bustled with excitement. "We're so happy for you!" said dad potato, "who is the lucky fellow?"

"He's an Idaho potato," said the el...

Sweet Aroma

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theater where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose...

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There once was a sweet little spider...

There once was a sweet little spider

who thought a dark corner would hide her.

Whilst a fly she was shucking

A dyson came sucking

Was I sad? No 'cause fuck little spiders.

In church I heard an old lady saying a prayer

It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you:-
"Dear Lord,
This has been a tough couple of years.
You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze.
My favourite pop singer Michael Jackson.
My favourite Blues artist BB King.
My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor....

Three suitors - choose wisely.

A woman is deciding between three suitors which one to be with. She says to the three men, "we are still young and inexperienced, go out there and travel around the world, we'll see when you come back."


So the first guy goes to Europe and tours the different countries there.

...

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This holiday season I'm just looking for a nice girl. A girl-next-door type who is just sweet, caring, smart, and funny...

Someone I can laugh with, you know? Someone who is there for me. Just a kind, and loving individual with absolutely massive tits. Is that so much to ask for?

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A Brit, an Irishman, and an American are walking in the woods together and get lost.

They stumble upon a bridge over a deep ravine guarded by a menacing ogre.

"Halt! Stand where you are!" yells the ogre. "Only those who can answer my riddle can pass this bridge! If you get the answer wrong, you die!"

The three men are short on supplies and don't have a lot of options, ...

What Not to Say to a Policeman:

-I cant reach my license unless you hold my beer.

-Sorry, Officer, I didnt realize I was driving.

-Wow, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me!

-I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

-You're not gonna check the trunk...

Poor Creature

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day, the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya be saying a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an ani...

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Poor poor William

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson.

It’s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits … you name it.

Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Ea...

A young man was shopping in a department store. He sees an extremely attractive salesgirl and says, "I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife, but I don't know her size." "Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours." "Will there be anything else?" the sales girl queried as she wrapped the gloves. "Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra and panties."

Me: Sweet dog you got there

Police officer: Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog.

Me: Still in training, huh?

Police officer: What do you mean?

Me: Nevermind

My wife gave me an ultimatum.

It was her or my addiction to sweets.

The decision was a piece of cake.

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Will you ever love another girl?

A girl asks her boyfriend, "do you promise to always love me and never another girl?"

The guy responds, "sorry, but I can't do that."

Girl: "W-what? So you're thinking about someone else! Who this fuck is this other woman?!"

Guy: "She looks exactly like you, but younger"

...

Generous Scottish Woman

One cold December day, a French tourist in Scotland decided to find out if the natives were as tight as he had heard. He stopped at a farm cottage, told the farmer's wife he was freezing to death, and was invited to come in and warm himself at the hearth.

Once inside the house, he complain...

Wanna see something short and sweet?

look in a mirror

Nuns

Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game, whose headgear partially blocked the view, three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move. In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there." The second guy sp...

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Did you hear about the time Winnie The Pooh had sex?

He looked for something sweet and got stuck inside of a different hole!

I love diabetics

They're so sweet

As we were driving down the road, "Sweet Caroline" came on the radio. I said to my son, "Little known fact, Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal."

"Until the pressure got to him."

Running out of Gas

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up eating beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him t...

A man goes to a diner and orders a grilled cheese sandwich and a glass of room temperature sweet tea.

When his food arrives he takes a sip of the tea but finds it to be scorching hot.
"Ow!" yells the man, "I asked for this to be room temperature!"
"It is, sir" says the waiter "The kitchen is on fire."

Short but Sweet.

A Scotsman, an Irishman and a Brit walk into a pub.

The landlord sees them from behind the bar and asks, "Is this a joke?"

When I see lovers' nαmes cαrved in α tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how mαny people bring a knife on a dαte.

EDIT I removed comments with α since some of you didn't like it.

Also this is an old joke . Look some posts from several years ago. https://twitter.com/biiimurray/status/361654153811996672.

http://www.su...

Due to covid-19.

Sweet Caroline is banned.

There will be: No touching hands, reaching out, touching me,

touching you..

Three blondes

Three blondes are driving down the street in a little car and get in an accident in which they all die. They awake to find themselves at the gates of Heaven, with Saint Peter smiling sweetly. He welcomes them and announces "ladies, before me I have the book of life. In it, i can see you've done some...

Roses are red, sugar is sweet,

A huge controversy starts
just with a tweet

Bubbles in bathtub

Old joke, repost:

A new lady teacher came to teach students. As it was the first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to introduce themselves with name and a hobby.

She said, Lets start first with boys.

Boys start giving their intro...

First boy: My name is...

Why was the blonde snorting Sweet and Low?

She thought it was diet coke.

I invited my girlfriend of 3 months to a party for my 13 year old nephew. She let out an audible "awww," told me how sweet I was and that my invitation meant the world to her.

Should've seen the look on her face when I told her it was a search party.

A man got worms in his stomach

He went to all the doctors available but non could give him the proper treatment so he decided to go to some wise old man , the man told him " simple , go and buy the sweetest watermelon you can buy , cut it in half and sit on it , Naked . So the leader of the worms would go down to taste the waterm...

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Amazing Apples

A man and his wife are walking through the state fair, when he notices something that clearly has to be a mistake. Taped to a table full of big beautiful apples is a sign that reads, 'Amazing Apples $10 each'. So the man tells the proprietor, "Excuse me sir but I think you made a mistake" pointing ...

Aliens invade the planet

Aliens invade the planet and take every living being prisoner and contains them in a facilty. The aliens then set up machines here and there which are similar to vending machines but they dispense any animal/human/living thing which they keep as pets. The living being requested is random so it's a f...

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

Did you hear about the sweet potato truck that crashed on the interstate?

It caused a huge traffic yam.

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Miracles CAN Occur! NSFW

There's a city with a fierce storm and the flood waters threaten to rise.

A devout man goes outside and prays, "Dear Lord, please save me from this flood!"

A bus rolls up to the man and says, "Get in! I'm taking you to safety!"

The man says, "No. God will provide for me." And t...

My new vehicle came with a dispenser that makes sweet tea forever...

It’s a Infinite-tea.

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A Jew goes into a brothel

— Hello, I’d like to hire the services of a woman called Alice

— What a coincidence, that’s my name. What do you want done?

— I… I want to be pegged

— Oh, how kinky. Why are you looking for this, my sweet mohel?

— Because I’ve always wanted someone named Alice to find out...

I thought my son would like that I bought him a trampoline, but oh sweet marry no.

Welp he just wants to sit. And cry in his wheelchair.

I played "Sweet Home Alabama" to my sister since I learned the guitar recently

Nothing happened.

But our kids loved it

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"Excuse me sir, does your dog bite?"

"Naw, he never bites. He's very sweet."

"Aw, who's a good boy? Who's ... OW! UGH, SHIT! I'm BLEEDING! YOU SAID YOUR DOG NEVER BITES!!"

"That ain't my dog."

Wife asks her husband will he remarry if she dies.

Husband: No how can I think of remarrying.

Wife: Why not? You would need a partner for your bad times. Please remarry if I die.

Husband: You are so sweet... Even after death, you are worried about me.

Wife: Will you let her use my car?

Husband: Of course not

Wife: ...

Take a night off

The married owners of a Chinese restaurant have been working hard and decide to take a night off to get their love life back on track.

As things heat up in the bedroom the wife, feeling adventurous, whispers "How about a 69?".

Her husband responds "Why do you want me to make Sweet and ...

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A sweet, beautiful young would-be starlet comes to Hollywood to seek her fortune.

At her first power cocktail party she goes to the host and asks him "Who's the most powerful man in the room?"

“That would be Jeff over there by the caviar" he says.

The young woman walks over to Jeff and says "Excuse me, Jeff, would you mind stepping back behind this column? I'd lik...

I had a date tonight. It was pretty sweet.

Next, I’m going to try a fig.

There’s a sweet old couple happily living life.

One day the wife went in for a medical exam and when she came home she reported to her husband, "The doctor says I have the heart of a 50-year-old, lungs of a 40-year-old, and the blood pressure of a 25-year-old."

The husband replies, "Oh really? And what did he say about your 70-year-old ass...

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A man walks into a bar with an octopus...

He puts the octopus down on a barstool and tells everyone in the bar,

"this is the world's most talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument you can find - in fact, i'll bet $100 that nobody here has an instrument that this octopus can't play."

Somebody in the bar pulls out a g...

How can someone get some sweet Reddit karma when they dont deserve it?

Piece of cake

"I work with animals," the guy says to his date.

"That's so sweet," she replies.

"I love a man who cares about animals.

Where do you work?"

"I'm a butcher," he says.

I'm married to several sweet bears

I'm a big fan of polygummy.

My morning was really bitter sweet today.

This is the last time I’m drinking spoiled milk with sugar

What do you get when you order Lynyrd Skynard off of Wish.com?

Sweet Home Alibaba

Roses are red

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Sugar is sweet

And so are you.

The roses have wilted

The violets are dead

The sugar bowl's empty

And so is your head.

A few years ago I had a proud (step)dad moment I think this sub will like..

This was right after picking her up from preschool. She was usually a bit grumpy and I always tried to be fun and keep the drive home more upbeat.

 

Her: "I'm hungry."

Me: "Nice to meet you, hungry, I'm dad."

Her: "Ahhhhgh could you not say that anymore?"

...

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A little girl walks into a pet shop.

She walks up to the counter and says, "Excuse me, may I buy a wabbit, pwease?"

The shopkeeper thinks this is just the cutest thing ever. "Sure," he says sweetly. "Do you want a white wabbit or a bwown wabbit?"

The little girl says, "I don't think my pyfon gives a shit."

Stranded on Deserted Island for 10 years

One day a man who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, “It’s certainly not a ship.” And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.

Suddenly there e...

Bad Romance

A lady approached me, and said
"Every time you smile, i want to give you my number!"

I said "Aww that's sweet. Are you single?"

She replied "No. I'm a dentist."

What kind of drink can be bitter and sweet?

Reali-tea.

My boss pulled up to work in his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied:

"Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."

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The dean of women at an exclusive girl’s college was lecturing her students on Sexual morality......

“In moments of temptation,” said the speaker to the class, “ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”



A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask: “How do you make it last an hour?”

A old sweet couple driving enter the highway

She turns on the radio and hears: Alert! Alert! All drivers! There’s a car driving the wrong way on the highway!
Her husband replies: a car on the wrong way? I see like 20 in front of me.

Little girl at the hospital: "Nurse, you've been so kind and sweet to me. Would you please come and visit me when I get out of the hospital?"

Nurse: "Nah, graveyards give me the creeps"

My wife is very sweet

She's my honey.

Engineers gonna engineer

A scientist, a mathematician, and an engineer end up stranded on a small island inhabited by some very reclusive locals. They find themselves in jail the next day for breaking some obscure law that nobody can really explain.

They're sentenced to death. Not that their "crime" was all that sev...

How do you get a sweet little old lady to say F***?

Get another one to yell BINGO

Say what you will about "Sweet Home Alabama"

At least it's family friendly

It's sweet getting stoned in a swamp:

I call it a marsh mellow.

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