This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.

They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other ...

A mathematician came home and told his wife, “sorry honey, but I’m leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I’ll be home in a few hours and I’d like for you to be gone.”

He got back home and found a note that read,” hi honey, I’ve left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you’ll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.”

“I love you loads, honey pie.” My wife said earlier.

“And I love you tons.” I replied.

“What, no nickname for me?” She asked, disappointed.

Sometimes I swear the fat cow’s going deaf.

I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"

"Yeah." she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now."

The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."

"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"You have?" the photographer asked....

The cheerio wanted to go to prom with a honey nut cheerio

A plain Cheerio wanted his prom date to be a beautiful Honey Nut Cheerio, the Cheerio asks the Honey Nut Cheerio to the dance, the Honey Nut Cheerio rejects and says "I only date Honey Nut Cheerios". A farmer approaches the now saddened Cheerio and tells him "Do some work on my farm and I'll turn yo...

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My husband says "Honey, I have to say..."

[Nsfw]

"Every time I touch you, I still get a boner."

I told him I appreciate the heads up.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man comes home to his wife and says “Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!”

“Oh my god, what should I pack?!” She replies

“I don’t care! Just pack something and get the fuck OUT!”

Wife: -"Hey honey, does this dress make me look fat?"

Wife: -"Hey honey, does this dress make me look fat?"

Husband: -" You promise if I tell you the truth you wont get mad?"

Wife: -"Yes I promise"

Husband: -"I sleept with your sister"

Girl: Honey, Im pregnant.

Boy: Hi Pregnant, Im Dad
Girl: No you're not

Have you heard of the new club Pooh’s Honey Jar?

The bouncers name was Tigger!

One day a man goes to his wife and says "Honey, I've never said anything before, but I need to know. I've noticed that of our seven children, that Jack looks different from the others. Does Jack have a different father than his siblings?"

The wife says "Yes, I admit it, he does."

The husband says "Who is his father?"

The wife says **"You are."**

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My wife looked me in the eyes and said "honey, they're not wrinkles, or old age, they're laughter lines."

Nicest thing anyone's ever said about my scrotum.

"Honey, I always worry when you go on business trips."

Husband: "Why? I promise you, that I go nowhere else and just straight here."

Wife: "That's what I worry about, you coming home early."

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Wife: "Honey my butt is so cold."

Me: *touchs her butt* "Ooooh like Siberia!"

Wife: "It's that cold?"

Me: "No, it's that big!"

Just a Dad Joke

Wife:Hey Honey, I’m Pregnant

Husband:Hey Pregnant, I’m Dad

Wife:No you’re not

“Honey, do I look fat in this dress?”

I said as I looked into the mirror.

A recently married couple retire to their honeymoon suite. Before hopping into bed the bride says, "Now honey, you'll be gentle with me won't you. You know that I'm still a virgin."

This clearly surprises the man, "What are you saying. Aren't I your third husband?"

The woman replied, "Yes, but my first husband was a psychologist and all he liked to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist and all he liked to do was look at it. Since you're a lawyer, I'm...

where does honey come from?

bees nuts LMAO GOT EEM

Wife: "Honey, I think you're a little to harsh to one of our kids."

Husband: "Who do you mean? John, Michael or the fat one?"

Honey, will you marry me???

No! But I will always respect your great taste.

When you're out with a honey and your nose is a-runny,

Don't think it's funny 'cause it's snot.

A wife returns from the salon, "Honey, I took your advice and got a new hair color, what do you think?"

Husband: I think you misunderstood what I meant when I said "it's time to diet".

Old couple walking around the park... - Honey, tell me how much do you love me.

\- Do you see all those clouds in the sky?
\- While yes, of course.

\- Let's go home, cuz it's going to rain.

A guy comes home from the doctors crying, his wife says why are you crying honey,he said the doctor has put me on tablets for the rest of my life, wife says hey that's not so bad, husband replies.

He has only given me three tablets.

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A guy’s wife of many years says to him, honey, I want a boob job....

Ahhh baby you know we can’t afford that but here’s what you can do. Just take a lil wad of toilet paper and rub it between ya boobs, do that every day. What ? she says, that will make my boobs bigger? Yep he says, look what it did to your ass.

Honey i... husband starts.

- There's no "I", "Me" or "You" in marriage, there's only "we". The wife corrects him.

- Ok, honey we fucxed your sister.

When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, smelling of honey and covered in bee stings...

You know she's a keeper...

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A woman tells her husband, "Honey, I've thought this through. I'm going to become a hooker."

"We're barely making ends meet", she adds, "you can't take any more of your job, and forgive me Lord, but there isn't a job I'm qualified for that pays better."

"So it has come to this. I can't say I'm fully comfortable with the idea, but you're right: right now, it's our only way up. I love ...

"Hey honey, I didn't know they were making an Idiocracy 2." The man said to his wife...

"Oh," she said, glancing at the TV. " You are just on Fox news."

But Honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul

(Phone rings)

*Pick up*

(Little girl) : “Hello”

“Hi Honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”

“No Daddy, she’s upstairs in the room with Uncle Paul”

After a brief pause, Daddy says “But Honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul”.

“Oh yes I do, and he’s upst...

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Honey, remember how when we started dating you told me you were an insomniac and I told you I only had five sex partners?

Neither of us were counting sheep.

How does Manuka honey become a cop in NZ?

Because it cuts out to be a propolis

I went to see a friend from a very rich family. The maid approached me and asked.

*MAID:* -What would u like to have, fruit juice, yoghurt, tea, chocolate, cappuccino , frapuccino or coffee?

*ME:* -Tea pls.

*MAID:* -Ceylon Tea, Indian Tea, Herbal Tea, Kericho Gold Tea, Bush Tea or Green Tea?

*ME:* -Ceylon Tea pls.

*MAID:* -How do...

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My tongue slipped when I was asking my wife to "pass the milk, honey" when we had breakfast yesterday

I accidentally said: "Fuck you Helen you ruined my fucking life"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A husband tells his wife, “Honey, I got you some Aspirin!”

The wife says, “But I don’t have a headache.”

“Great! Let’s have sex!”

Husband: Hey honey I brought you some Tylenol for your headache.

Wife: I don't have a headache

Husband: Great because I also bought condoms

Mr. Pineapple and his Honey Melon are berry in love..

"Sweety, we are ripe for a wedding! Let's invite olive our fruity friends!"

"Are you sure we cantaloupe?"

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Honeybees make honey. What kind of bees make milk?

boobies.

You know the worst part about being allergic to bees and loving honey?

Breaking into hives

I’m working on a top secret project using honey to create alcohol

It’s on a mead to know basis.

Wife: Honey, the car won't start. I think there's water in the carburetor.

Husband: You don't even know what a carburetor is. Alright, where's the car?

Wife: In the lake.

My girlfriend is so smart!

I forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her.

She answered: "What's up, honey?"

What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!

Wife: Honey, my watch stopped working.

Me: Well I guess it probably... Ran out of time...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy asked his wife, honey, why do I always get a boner when I'm looking in the mirror.

She replies, cuz your cock thinks you're a pussy too.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Hey honey, you've got a call!" says my wife sitting across the room with my phone on the table next to her.

"I'm a little busy babe, could you pick it up please?"

She obliges. "Put it on speaker", I add.

"Hey it's Laurel! I was calling to let you know I had a great time last nig-", my wife hangs up.

She glares at me as I shuffle nervously and demands, "Who the fuck is Laurel!?"
...

Honey, I really don't think you're fat ...

pull up two chairs and let's talk about it

Me: "Gee honey, it sure is muggy out today!"

Her: "If I walk outside and all of our mugs are on the front porch, I'm leaving you."

Me: *sips coffee from a bowl*

Why did the honey bee swear so much?

Just bee cuss.

Teacher makes a call to her student to inform: "I'm busy tomorrow, so our class will be off"

The student makes a call to his dad immediately: "I'm off tomorrow lets go to picnic!"

The dad makes a call to his secretary immediately: " I'm busy tomorrow, lets postpone our date to the next day!"

The secretary makes a call to her husband: "Honey, i'm not going out on a business tri...

I thought me and my girlfriend had something. She met my parents, brought me dinner and called me honey. Now suddenly...

She's just a "waitress" and she was just "doing her job".

Honey, where did my underwear go?

"in your brief case"

"Honey! I'm pregnant, and we'll be happily expecting a baby soon!"

Says the woman.

But her wife was not happy.

Could someone help me out? I live in Canada and I need to travel to my honey farm tomorrow, but I don't have a car.

I don't need anything special, just something to get me from eh to bee.

Honey, something's always bug me about the children.

-I can't help but notice out out of our eight children, Ben looks different from all the others. I know what to terrible thing to ask, but does he have a different father?
-Yes, it's true. He does.
-Please tell me. Who's Ben's father.
-You.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman says to her husband after sex-"Oh honey.. Its not the size of the boat, its the motion of the ocean!"

He looks up and yells
"Well it takes a long fucking time to get to England in a canoe!"

TIL you need a 3.0 GPA to produce honey

You can't produce honey without Bs.

"Honey, I'm late"

Wife: "Honey, I'm late"

Husband: "You're late? I should buy you a watch."

W: "No, I meant that I might be pregnant. "

H: "I know. I was making a dad joke."

What do you call a cereal box full of snakes?

Honey Bunches of nopes

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man escapes from prison.

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While ...

I asked my Grandpa: After 65 years you still call grandma Darling, Beautiful and Honey...

What's the secret?

**Grandpa**: I forgot her name 5 years ago and Im scared to ask her.

Honey, what will you give me for our 25th anniversary?

Honey, what will you give me for our 25th anniversary?

A trip to Thailand?

Wow, that’s awesome, and for our 50th anniversary?

Then I pick you up again. :)

A man phones his wife and asks her: “Honey I’ve been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week ...

A man phones his wife and asks her: “Honey I’ve been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get the promotion. So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod & fishing box. We’re leaving from office & I’ll swing by the h...

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A little boy kills a butterfly. Dad says, "No butter for one week!" The little boy kills a honeybee. Dad says, "No honey for one week!"

Mom kills a cockroach. The little boy turns to his dad and says, "Are you gonna tell her or should i do it?"

American man to wife: "pass the honey... Honey"

Welsh man to wife: "pass the sugar... Sugar"

Scottish man to wife: "pass the milk... ya cow"

I asked an old man, "Even after 60 years of being married, how can you still call your wife 'Honey', 'Darling' and 'Sweetheart'?"

He replied, "Well I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm scared to ask her!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A beautiful young woman is sunbathing on the beach of an upscale resort, when she feels a buzzing in her vagina.

Alarmed, she runs to her father for help. "I think there's an insect in my coochie!" she tells him, frantically dancing from the buzzing sensation.

They call up the resort's resident doctor. He takes her into his office for an examination.

"Yup. It looks like a bee has crawled into yo...

Wow, honey, I never thought our son would go that far!

Yeah, the catapult is really amazing. Go get our daughter!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you get if you put honey on your dick?

A penis fly trap

Look Honey, a cactus!

I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving....

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"Wait honey, I can explain!"[LONG]

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset.

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children? I'm leaving you. I want a divorce!"
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you have if you mix honey, a donkey, and an onion together?

A sweet piece of ass that”ll bring a tear to your eye.

Honey I'm not allowed back at work anymore...

Wife: why?

Man: I got fired for sleeping with the boss' wife.

Wife: Are you joking? His wife has been dead for 17 years.

Man: I'm also not allowed back at the cemetery.

A woman starts to scream while giving birth.

​

"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.

"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"

"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"

Husband says'' Honey, it's me. I don't want to alarm you but

. . . I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They've checked me over and dome some tests and x-rays. The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately, it didn't cause any serious internal injury. However, I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the lef...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I said to my wife, "Honey, I want to have sex like we used to"....

"Okay, That will be 500 dollars"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man comes home from work, sits down in his recliner, turns on the TV and says to his wife 'Honey, grab me a beer before it starts!'

His wife yells back 'Dammit, I don't clean this entire house, do all the grocery shopping, laundry, and cooking just for you to come home and plop your lazy ass down in that chair and demand that I bring you a beer!'
The man says 'Oh, shit, looks like it's already started.'

Wife : Honey before we got married , you used to give me gifts and expensive jewelry.

Husband : Yes…so ?


Wife : How come you don’t do it anymore ?


Husband : Have you ever seen a fisherman give worms to the fish after catching it?

"The kitchen is burning to the ground. Quick honey call the fire marshall!"

MARSHALL! STOP BURNING MY KICTHEN!

A wife asks her husband "Honey, how many women have you slept with?"

The husband replies, "Only you sweetie. I was awake for all the other ones "

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW A woman was lying on the beach one day...

When suddenly a bee flies into her vagina.
Scared as she was, she went to the doctors office and received a male doctor in the urgent matters.
She explained her problem to him. He said there was nothing to worry about.

"Just go home and put some honey on your husbands dick, and ask him ...

Honey, what's again the name of that German I am out of my mind about?

Alzheimer, grandma, Alzheimer...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Ted Was Worried... [LONG]

Ted, my friend and colleague for many years called me (into his office) and told me he was worried his wife was having an affair.

"I think she's having an affair with Greg from sales" he told me.

I asked him "what makes you think that?

"Ah, well" he explained "Whenever my wife h...

-Honey, I have some problems at work.

Wife:
-Now there. Not "I" but "we"! When we got married your problems became my problems. What's wrong?
Me:
-Well then OUR secretary is expecting OUR child.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Honey, I think I'm ugly...."

So I pulled her infront of a mirror, stood right next to her and said:

"Darling, I mean look a that sexy smile, that beautiful hair and those eyes....Just wow. No wonder you feel ugly next to me!"

Man: Honey, what's wrong?

Woman: I'm feeling a little depressed...

Man: Why don't you listen to some music? That always cheers you up.

Woman: Okay...will you put on some Sheryl Crow?

Man: If It Makes You Happy.

Rarely, hikers of the Appalachian trail report seeing psychic grizzlies take control of their friends, who start foraging and looking for honey...

Bear in mind, that doesn't happen very often.

A man run homes excitedly, burst open the front door and yells to his wife "Honey! I won the lottery, pack your bags!" The wife excitedly jumps up hand grabs her suitcase and begins throwing clothes in it. She says "Ohmygod, that's amazing! Where should I pack for?"

The man replies " I don't care! Just get out!"

"Honey, why don't you ever play golf anymore?"

Mary asks Bob, her husband.
"Dear, I'd love to, but my eyesight has been getting worse and worse and I can hardly see the ball anymore."
"Well take my brother with you then, even at his age his eyes are still as good as the day he was born!"
"But Mary, you do realize Steve has severe ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two elderly ladies are smoking outside...

It stared raining and one of the ladies pulls out a condom, cuts the end off and puts it over her cigarette so it won't get wet. The other lady thinks this is a great idea so she decides to head to the store to buy some condoms.
When she gets there she goes to the counter and asks the cashier fo...

Me: Honey, we are having dinner tonight with a medieval ruler of Germany.

Her: F*ck. Not Burger King again!!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex.

Can you explain it to me first?" "Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison." And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction. Nudging...

“Honey, do these pants make my rear end look big?”

“No, your rear end makes the pants look big.”

What do you call the secondary story in a movie about honey?

The bee-plot

Husband: Honey why are there broken condoms on the couch?

Wife: Would you please call our children by their real names.

Honey you have spanner eyes...

Every time you look at me my nuts tighten.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Doctor vs. Bee - (NSFW)

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to th...

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Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."


Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."


The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request and they go to the golf course. On the first tee the hu...