Honey! Im pregnant! what would you like it to be?.

A joke.

"Oh honey, are you the Middle East?"

"Because you are one screwed-up mess, but I can't resist getting involved!"

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Honey why do you iron your hair?

Her: To make it look longer

Later

Doctor: Let's see Luis explain to me how you burned your penis.

Why did the bear use gloves when eating honey?

He didn't want to touch it with his bear hands.

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An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.

They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other ...

Scientists have discovered a new genus of bees that produce milk instead of honey.

They're called boo-bees

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Wife: Honey, our son just called me a bitch!

Husband: Oh, that little son of a bitch!

A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”

“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.”

“If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?”

“We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess she...

Mrs. Goat : Honey, we're going to have a baby!

Mr. Goat : You're kidding.

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"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."


The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep"

On their wedding night, a groom asks his new bride, “Honey, am I your first?”

She says, “Why does everyone ask me that?”

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A man says to his wife "honey, I bet you can't tell me something that makes me both happy, and sad, at the same time..."

Without almost no hesitation "you have the biggest penis, out of all of your friends."

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My tongue slipped when I was asking my wife to "pass the milk, honey" when we had breakfast yesterday.

I accidentally said, "Fuck you Karen, you ruined my fucking life."

"Honey, I have to confess something", said the husband on his deathbed

"...I have cheated on you multiple times with you best friend, your sister, my secretary and a side piece"

Wife: "Sshhh, it's okay babe. Just relax and let the poison work"

Husband: Honey, I broke a glass in the kitchen.

The wife: I am coming with the broom.

Husband: It ain't urgent. You can come on foot.

Wow honey, I never thought our son would go that far!

You're right, the catapult is amazing! Go get our daughter!

Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."

"Some parts are missing."

Honey why do you always stand by the window when I sing?

It's so the neighbours don't think I am beating you.

On her death bed, the last words that my grandma told my grandpa was, “Honey, I’ll see you in heaven!”

Since then, he’s been kicking puppies and robbing stores every day.

“Honey Dew you want to get married today?”

“No. I cantaloupe.”

A mathematician came home and told his wife, “sorry honey, but I’m leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I’ll be home in a few hours and I’d like for you to be gone.”

He got back home and found a note that read,” hi honey, I’ve left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you’ll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.”

Why did Kermit ask Miss Piggy to get high and cover herself in honey?

Because he likes his ham; honey baked.

My gf asks me,"Honey,do these pants make me look fat?"

"No"I said,"Your fat makes you look fat"

And that's when the fight started

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An elderly woman told me "You get more flies with honey than with vinegar.", Because I was being a little too rude...

I told her "You get more flies with shit than with honey, so go fuck yourself."

The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."

"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"You have?" the photographer asked....

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Tyrion Lannister walks into a bar with an ass and a honey comb

He sits down on the bar and the bartender asks him whats up.

"My wife found a genie in a bottle and he gave her 3 wishes. Her first wish was a house fit for a queen, so he gave her this honeycomb. Her second wish was to get a nice ass, hence the ass..."

"And what about the third wish?"...

Why is honey good for you?

It's full of vitamin bee!

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A man with anal infection went to the doctor,the doctor said "the only cure that exist, is to stick a cucumber in your butthole"

so the man went back home to his wife, explained to her what happened, and asked her to help him out.

man: "honey you should do as the doctor instructed me to do"

wife: "okay, what should I do?"

man: "hold one butt cheek with your left hand and, the other with your right hand,...

A wife asked her husband "Honey, am I the only one you've been with?"

"Absolutely, baby. All the rest of the women I've been with were nines and tens."

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked: "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"

Husband: "No sweetie."

Wife:"I'm sure you would."

Husband: "Okay, I would"

Wife: "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"

Husband: "Ya, I guess so."

Wife: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"

Husband: "No, she's left handed."

My wife said to me, "Honey, does this dress make me look fat?"

I said, "Don't worry hun, it's not the dress."

"Hey Honey, I made some brownies as an apology for wrecking your car today." "You did what?!"

"Brownies, you deaf idiot"

I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"

"Yeah." she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now."

You catch more flies with honey...

...but you catch more honeys by being fly.

Honey, do you think our relationship is getting distant?

I don’t think so. Kindest Regards.

Ofcourse it's you honey !!

8 p.m. I get an SMS from my girlfriend: Me or football?!


11 p.m. I SMS my girlfriend: You of course.

Husband: "Honey, have you seen my car keys?"

Wife: "Here it is, but why don't you ever say our car..., our house..., our company...?"

*Husband starts searching through clothes*

Wife: "Now what the hell are you looking for?"

Husband: "Our undies."

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A pastor is headed to Pittsburgh

A pastor is headed to Pittsburgh for a convention with his associate preacher and they decide to take the train.

At the station, the pastor tells his associate to have a seat while he purchases their tickets.

After standing in line at the ticket counter for an extended period of time...

One day a man goes to his wife and says "Honey, I've never said anything before, but I need to know. I've noticed that of our seven children, that Jack looks different from the others. Does Jack have a different father than his siblings?"

The wife says "Yes, I admit it, he does."

The husband says "Who is his father?"

The wife says **"You are."**

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man: Honey, why you cutting those potatoes into penis shapes?

Wife: I dunno why, but Grandpa keeps saying he dreams about penis-shaped potatoes. He's a holocaust survivor, ya know - least I can do. 

Man: Grandpa, what you been dreaming about? 

Grandpa: DICTATORSSSS

[OC] I am thinking of writing a book, where a rich cat owns a slave who freely makes honey for her, and the slave's tragic tale.

It is called 'The Great Cat's bee'.

I keep bees for the fur, not the honey

The pelt is excellent for pea cosies and the flesh is packed with vitamins

Mainly Vitamin B

When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, smelling of honey and covered in bee stings

you know she's a keeper.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife: "Honey my butt is so cold."

Me: *touchs her butt* "Ooooh like Siberia!"

Wife: "It's that cold?"

Me: "No, it's that big!"

Husband asked his wife:

Honey,what do you do after we have fight?

The wife replied: I go clean the toilet

Husband was all confused and asks her: But why?

She says: Because I do it with your toothbrush

I named my dog honey

so that when I come home I can say "Honey I'm home".

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A young man and his wife are about to make love [NSFW]

A bee flies in the window and into her vagina. Understandably, this upsets them both, the husband calls the doctor and explains the situation. “Just stay where you are, don’t move, and try to keep your wife calm,” says the old doctor.

After inspecting the situation, the doctor looks at the ...

Just a Dad Joke

Wife:Hey Honey, I’m Pregnant

Husband:Hey Pregnant, I’m Dad

Wife:No you’re not

Wife: -"Hey honey, does this dress make me look fat?"

Wife: -"Hey honey, does this dress make me look fat?"

Husband: -" You promise if I tell you the truth you wont get mad?"

Wife: -"Yes I promise"

Husband: -"I sleept with your sister"

When your nose is a-runny, and you're out with your honey, don't think it's funny...

...Cuz it's snot.

Wife: "Honey, I think you're a little to harsh to one of our kids."

Husband: "Who do you mean? John, Michael or the fat one?"

The cheerio wanted to go to prom with a honey nut cheerio

A plain Cheerio wanted his prom date to be a beautiful Honey Nut Cheerio, the Cheerio asks the Honey Nut Cheerio to the dance, the Honey Nut Cheerio rejects and says "I only date Honey Nut Cheerios". A farmer approaches the now saddened Cheerio and tells him "Do some work on my farm and I'll turn yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man comes home to his wife and says “Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!”

“Oh my god, what should I pack?!” She replies

“I don’t care! Just pack something and get the fuck OUT!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My husband says "Honey, I have to say..."

[Nsfw]

"Every time I touch you, I still get a boner."

I told him I appreciate the heads up.

A guy comes home from the doctors crying, his wife says why are you crying honey,he said the doctor has put me on tablets for the rest of my life, wife says hey that's not so bad, husband replies.

He has only given me three tablets.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man asks his wife, "Honey, how come every time I look in the mirror I get an erection?"

Wife replies, "Probably because the mirror thinks you're a pussy too!"

My girlfriend is so smart!

I forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her.

She answered: "What's up, honey?"

What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman tells her husband, "Honey, I've thought this through. I'm going to become a hooker."

"We're barely making ends meet", she adds, "you can't take any more of your job, and forgive me Lord, but there isn't a job I'm qualified for that pays better."

"So it has come to this. I can't say I'm fully comfortable with the idea, but you're right: right now, it's our only way up. I love ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Honey, remember how when we started dating you told me you were an insomniac and I told you I only had five sex partners?

Neither of us were counting sheep.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife looked me in the eyes and said "honey, they're not wrinkles, or old age, they're laughter lines."

Nicest thing anyone's ever said about my scrotum.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A recently married couple retire to their honeymoon suite. Before hopping into bed the bride says, "Now honey, you'll be gentle with me won't you. You know that I'm still a virgin."

This clearly surprises the man, "What are you saying. Aren't I your third husband?"

The woman replied, "Yes, but my first husband was a psychologist and all he liked to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist and all he liked to do was look at it. Since you're a lawyer, I'm...

Honey i... husband starts.

- There's no "I", "Me" or "You" in marriage, there's only "we". The wife corrects him.

- Ok, honey we fucxed your sister.

I thought me and my girlfriend had something. She met my parents, brought me dinner and called me honey. Now suddenly...

She's just a "waitress" and she was just "doing her job".

But Honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul

(Phone rings)

*Pick up*

(Little girl) : “Hello”

“Hi Honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”

“No Daddy, she’s upstairs in the room with Uncle Paul”

After a brief pause, Daddy says “But Honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul”.

“Oh yes I do, and he’s upst...

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A husband tells his wife, “Honey, I got you some Aspirin!”

The wife says, “But I don’t have a headache.”

“Great! Let’s have sex!”

Me: "Gee honey, it sure is muggy out today!"

Her: "If I walk outside and all of our mugs are on the front porch, I'm leaving you."

Me: *sips coffee from a bowl*

"Hey honey, I didn't know they were making an Idiocracy 2." The man said to his wife...

"Oh," she said, glancing at the TV. " You are just on Fox news."

Husband: Hey honey I brought you some Tylenol for your headache.

Wife: I don't have a headache

Husband: Great because I also bought condoms

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A guy asked his wife, honey, why do I always get a boner when I'm looking in the mirror.

She replies, cuz your cock thinks you're a pussy too.

Teacher makes a call to her student to inform: "I'm busy tomorrow, so our class will be off"

The student makes a call to his dad immediately: "I'm off tomorrow lets go to picnic!"

The dad makes a call to his secretary immediately: " I'm busy tomorrow, lets postpone our date to the next day!"

The secretary makes a call to her husband: "Honey, i'm not going out on a business tri...

I went to see a friend from a very rich family. The maid approached me and asked.

*MAID:* -What would u like to have, fruit juice, yoghurt, tea, chocolate, cappuccino , frapuccino or coffee?

*ME:* -Tea pls.

*MAID:* -Ceylon Tea, Indian Tea, Herbal Tea, Kericho Gold Tea, Bush Tea or Green Tea?

*ME:* -Ceylon Tea pls.

*MAID:* -How do...

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A man escapes from prison.

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While ...

Wife: Honey, the car won't start. I think there's water in the carburetor.

Husband: You don't even know what a carburetor is. Alright, where's the car?

Wife: In the lake.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Hey honey, you've got a call!" says my wife sitting across the room with my phone on the table next to her.

"I'm a little busy babe, could you pick it up please?"

She obliges. "Put it on speaker", I add.

"Hey it's Laurel! I was calling to let you know I had a great time last nig-", my wife hangs up.

She glares at me as I shuffle nervously and demands, "Who the fuck is Laurel!?"
...

Mr. Pineapple and his Honey Melon are berry in love..

"Sweety, we are ripe for a wedding! Let's invite olive our fruity friends!"

"Are you sure we cantaloupe?"

American man to wife: "pass the honey... Honey"

Welsh man to wife: "pass the sugar... Sugar"

Scottish man to wife: "pass the milk... ya cow"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy kills a butterfly. Dad says, "No butter for one week!" The little boy kills a honeybee. Dad says, "No honey for one week!"

Mom kills a cockroach. The little boy turns to his dad and says, "Are you gonna tell her or should i do it?"

Honey, I really don't think you're fat ...

pull up two chairs and let's talk about it

A man phones his wife and asks her: “Honey I’ve been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week ...

A man phones his wife and asks her: “Honey I’ve been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get the promotion. So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod & fishing box. We’re leaving from office & I’ll swing by the h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A beautiful young woman is sunbathing on the beach of an upscale resort, when she feels a buzzing in her vagina.

Alarmed, she runs to her father for help. "I think there's an insect in my coochie!" she tells him, frantically dancing from the buzzing sensation.

They call up the resort's resident doctor. He takes her into his office for an examination.

"Yup. It looks like a bee has crawled into yo...

How does Manuka honey become a cop in NZ?

Because it cuts out to be a propolis

My wife said she would rather commit suicide than have dementia

She said she would never want to place that burden on me..

I said, honey that's the fifth time you've told me that.

You know the worst part about being allergic to bees and loving honey?

Breaking into hives

I’m working on a top secret project using honey to create alcohol

It’s on a mead to know basis.

Wife: Honey, my watch stopped working.

Me: Well I guess it probably... Ran out of time...

A wife asks her husband "Honey, how many women have you slept with?"

The husband replies, "Only you sweetie. I was awake for all the other ones "

Honey, what will you give me for our 25th anniversary?

Honey, what will you give me for our 25th anniversary?

A trip to Thailand?

Wow, that’s awesome, and for our 50th anniversary?

Then I pick you up again. :)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ted Was Worried... [LONG]

Ted, my friend and colleague for many years called me (into his office) and told me he was worried his wife was having an affair.

"I think she's having an affair with Greg from sales" he told me.

I asked him "what makes you think that?

"Ah, well" he explained "Whenever my wife h...

I asked an old man, "Even after 60 years of being married, how can you still call your wife 'Honey', 'Darling' and 'Sweetheart'?"

He replied, "Well I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm scared to ask her!"

Honey, where did my underwear go?

"in your brief case"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two elderly ladies are smoking outside...

It stared raining and one of the ladies pulls out a condom, cuts the end off and puts it over her cigarette so it won't get wet. The other lady thinks this is a great idea so she decides to head to the store to buy some condoms.
When she gets there she goes to the counter and asks the cashier fo...

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