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An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.

They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other ...

A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”

“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.”

“If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?”

“We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess she...

Why is eating honey so healthy?

It contains a lot of vitamin Bee

A mathematician came home and told his wife, “sorry honey, but I’m leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I’ll be home in a few hours and I’d like for you to be gone.”

He got back home and found a note that read,” hi honey, I’ve left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you’ll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.”

My wife said to me, "Honey, does this dress make me look fat?"

I said, "Don't worry hun, it's not the dress."

On her death bed, the last words that my grandma told my grandpa was, “Honey, I’ll see you in heaven!”

Since then, he’s been kicking puppies and robbing stores every day.

Monkey see, monkey do. Honey see,

Honeydew.

[OC] I am thinking of writing a book, where a rich cat owns a slave who freely makes honey for her, and the slave's tragic tale.

It is called 'The Great Cat's bee'.

You catch more flies with honey...

...but you catch more honeys by being fly.

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked: "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"

Husband: "No sweetie."

Wife:"I'm sure you would."

Husband: "Okay, I would"

Wife: "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"

Husband: "Ya, I guess so."

Wife: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"

Husband: "No, she's left handed."

The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."

"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"You have?" the photographer asked....

What kind of bees make milk instead of honey?

Boo Bees

Ofcourse it's you honey !!

8 p.m. I get an SMS from my girlfriend: Me or football?!


11 p.m. I SMS my girlfriend: You of course.

A wife asked her husband "Honey, am I the only one you've been with?"

"Absolutely, baby. All the rest of the women I've been with were nines and tens."

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A man with anal infection went to the doctor,the doctor said "the only cure that exist, is to stick a cucumber in your butthole"

so the man went back home to his wife, explained to her what happened, and asked her to help him out.

man: "honey you should do as the doctor instructed me to do"

wife: "okay, what should I do?"

man: "hold one butt cheek with your left hand and, the other with your right hand,...

"Honey, why didn't you just go buy a chainsaw at the store?"

"These chainsaws cost an arm and a leg! This one is going to cost only a few fingers!"

Wow, honey, I never thought our son would go that far!

Yeah, the catapult is really amazing. Go get our daughter!

Honey, do you think our relationship is getting distant?

I don’t think so. Kindest Regards.

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A pastor is headed to Pittsburgh

A pastor is headed to Pittsburgh for a convention with his associate preacher and they decide to take the train.

At the station, the pastor tells his associate to have a seat while he purchases their tickets.

After standing in line at the ticket counter for an extended period of time...

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Man: Honey, why you cutting those potatoes into penis shapes?

Wife: I dunno why, but Grandpa keeps saying he dreams about penis-shaped potatoes. He's a holocaust survivor, ya know - least I can do. 

Man: Grandpa, what you been dreaming about? 

Grandpa: DICTATORSSSS

Husband asked his wife:

Honey,what do you do after we have fight?

The wife replied: I go clean the toilet

Husband was all confused and asks her: But why?

She says: Because I do it with your toothbrush

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A husband said to his wife, "Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time"

His wife replied, "Well, you have the biggest penis out of all of your friends."

I named my dog honey

so that when I come home I can say "Honey I'm home".

When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, smelling of honey and covered in bee stings

you know she's a keeper.

I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"

"Yeah." she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now."

Husband: "Honey, have you seen my car keys?"

Wife: "Here it is, but why don't you ever say our car..., our house..., our company...?"

*Husband starts searching through clothes*

Wife: "Now what the hell are you looking for?"

Husband: "Our undies."

One day a man goes to his wife and says "Honey, I've never said anything before, but I need to know. I've noticed that of our seven children, that Jack looks different from the others. Does Jack have a different father than his siblings?"

The wife says "Yes, I admit it, he does."

The husband says "Who is his father?"

The wife says **"You are."**

When your nose is a-runny, and you're out with your honey, don't think it's funny...

...Cuz it's snot.

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Wife: "Honey my butt is so cold."

Me: *touchs her butt* "Ooooh like Siberia!"

Wife: "It's that cold?"

Me: "No, it's that big!"

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A young man and his wife are about to make love [NSFW]

A bee flies in the window and into her vagina. Understandably, this upsets them both, the husband calls the doctor and explains the situation. “Just stay where you are, don’t move, and try to keep your wife calm,” says the old doctor.

After inspecting the situation, the doctor looks at the ...

Just a Dad Joke

Wife:Hey Honey, I’m Pregnant

Husband:Hey Pregnant, I’m Dad

Wife:No you’re not

Wife: -"Hey honey, does this dress make me look fat?"

Wife: -"Hey honey, does this dress make me look fat?"

Husband: -" You promise if I tell you the truth you wont get mad?"

Wife: -"Yes I promise"

Husband: -"I sleept with your sister"

The cheerio wanted to go to prom with a honey nut cheerio

A plain Cheerio wanted his prom date to be a beautiful Honey Nut Cheerio, the Cheerio asks the Honey Nut Cheerio to the dance, the Honey Nut Cheerio rejects and says "I only date Honey Nut Cheerios". A farmer approaches the now saddened Cheerio and tells him "Do some work on my farm and I'll turn yo...

What do you get if you're allergic to honey?

Hives.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My husband says "Honey, I have to say..."

[Nsfw]

"Every time I touch you, I still get a boner."

I told him I appreciate the heads up.

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A man comes home to his wife and says “Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!”

“Oh my god, what should I pack?!” She replies

“I don’t care! Just pack something and get the fuck OUT!”

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My wife looked me in the eyes and said "honey, they're not wrinkles, or old age, they're laughter lines."

Nicest thing anyone's ever said about my scrotum.

A guy comes home from the doctors crying, his wife says why are you crying honey,he said the doctor has put me on tablets for the rest of my life, wife says hey that's not so bad, husband replies.

He has only given me three tablets.

where does honey come from?

bees nuts LMAO GOT EEM

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My tongue slipped when I was asking my wife to "pass the milk, honey" when we had breakfast yesterday

I accidentally said: "Fuck you Helen you ruined my fucking life"

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A recently married couple retire to their honeymoon suite. Before hopping into bed the bride says, "Now honey, you'll be gentle with me won't you. You know that I'm still a virgin."

This clearly surprises the man, "What are you saying. Aren't I your third husband?"

The woman replied, "Yes, but my first husband was a psychologist and all he liked to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist and all he liked to do was look at it. Since you're a lawyer, I'm...

Honey, will you marry me???

No! But I will always respect your great taste.

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A woman tells her husband, "Honey, I've thought this through. I'm going to become a hooker."

"We're barely making ends meet", she adds, "you can't take any more of your job, and forgive me Lord, but there isn't a job I'm qualified for that pays better."

"So it has come to this. I can't say I'm fully comfortable with the idea, but you're right: right now, it's our only way up. I love ...

Wife: "Honey, I think you're a little to harsh to one of our kids."

Husband: "Who do you mean? John, Michael or the fat one?"

Old couple walking around the park... - Honey, tell me how much do you love me.

\- Do you see all those clouds in the sky?
\- While yes, of course.

\- Let's go home, cuz it's going to rain.

Honey i... husband starts.

- There's no "I", "Me" or "You" in marriage, there's only "we". The wife corrects him.

- Ok, honey we fucxed your sister.

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Honey, remember how when we started dating you told me you were an insomniac and I told you I only had five sex partners?

Neither of us were counting sheep.

My girlfriend is so smart!

I forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her.

She answered: "What's up, honey?"

What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!

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A guy asked his wife, honey, why do I always get a boner when I'm looking in the mirror.

She replies, cuz your cock thinks you're a pussy too.

"Hey honey, I didn't know they were making an Idiocracy 2." The man said to his wife...

"Oh," she said, glancing at the TV. " You are just on Fox news."

But Honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul

(Phone rings)

*Pick up*

(Little girl) : “Hello”

“Hi Honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”

“No Daddy, she’s upstairs in the room with Uncle Paul”

After a brief pause, Daddy says “But Honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul”.

“Oh yes I do, and he’s upst...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband tells his wife, “Honey, I got you some Aspirin!”

The wife says, “But I don’t have a headache.”

“Great! Let’s have sex!”

Last night in bed, I nudged my wife and said, “Honey, I think The Force Awakens!”

She said, “Thanks for the heads up, Hand Solo.”

Me: "Gee honey, it sure is muggy out today!"

Her: "If I walk outside and all of our mugs are on the front porch, I'm leaving you."

Me: *sips coffee from a bowl*

Husband: Hey honey I brought you some Tylenol for your headache.

Wife: I don't have a headache

Husband: Great because I also bought condoms

I thought me and my girlfriend had something. She met my parents, brought me dinner and called me honey. Now suddenly...

She's just a "waitress" and she was just "doing her job".

I went to see a friend from a very rich family. The maid approached me and asked.

*MAID:* -What would u like to have, fruit juice, yoghurt, tea, chocolate, cappuccino , frapuccino or coffee?

*ME:* -Tea pls.

*MAID:* -Ceylon Tea, Indian Tea, Herbal Tea, Kericho Gold Tea, Bush Tea or Green Tea?

*ME:* -Ceylon Tea pls.

*MAID:* -How do...

Wife: Honey, the car won't start. I think there's water in the carburetor.

Husband: You don't even know what a carburetor is. Alright, where's the car?

Wife: In the lake.

Mr. Pineapple and his Honey Melon are berry in love..

"Sweety, we are ripe for a wedding! Let's invite olive our fruity friends!"

"Are you sure we cantaloupe?"

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"Hey honey, you've got a call!" says my wife sitting across the room with my phone on the table next to her.

"I'm a little busy babe, could you pick it up please?"

She obliges. "Put it on speaker", I add.

"Hey it's Laurel! I was calling to let you know I had a great time last nig-", my wife hangs up.

She glares at me as I shuffle nervously and demands, "Who the fuck is Laurel!?"
...

How does Manuka honey become a cop in NZ?

Because it cuts out to be a propolis

Teacher makes a call to her student to inform: "I'm busy tomorrow, so our class will be off"

The student makes a call to his dad immediately: "I'm off tomorrow lets go to picnic!"

The dad makes a call to his secretary immediately: " I'm busy tomorrow, lets postpone our date to the next day!"

The secretary makes a call to her husband: "Honey, i'm not going out on a business tri...

You know the worst part about being allergic to bees and loving honey?

Breaking into hives

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and ...

Wife: Honey, my watch stopped working.

Me: Well I guess it probably... Ran out of time...

I’m working on a top secret project using honey to create alcohol

It’s on a mead to know basis.

Honey, I really don't think you're fat ...

pull up two chairs and let's talk about it

American man to wife: "pass the honey... Honey"

Welsh man to wife: "pass the sugar... Sugar"

Scottish man to wife: "pass the milk... ya cow"

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A man escapes from prison.

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While ...

Why did the honey bee swear so much?

Just bee cuss.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy kills a butterfly. Dad says, "No butter for one week!" The little boy kills a honeybee. Dad says, "No honey for one week!"

Mom kills a cockroach. The little boy turns to his dad and says, "Are you gonna tell her or should i do it?"

A man phones his wife and asks her: “Honey I’ve been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week ...

A man phones his wife and asks her: “Honey I’ve been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get the promotion. So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod & fishing box. We’re leaving from office & I’ll swing by the h...

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday

They arrive at the club and the doorman says,

“Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

“Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated…

A waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings o...

Honey, where did my underwear go?

"in your brief case"

Did you guys hear about the guy that got killed when he tried to steal honey from a beehive?

I heard it was a sting operation

Honey, what will you give me for our 25th anniversary?

Honey, what will you give me for our 25th anniversary?

A trip to Thailand?

Wow, that’s awesome, and for our 50th anniversary?

Then I pick you up again. :)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A beautiful young woman is sunbathing on the beach of an upscale resort, when she feels a buzzing in her vagina.

Alarmed, she runs to her father for help. "I think there's an insect in my coochie!" she tells him, frantically dancing from the buzzing sensation.

They call up the resort's resident doctor. He takes her into his office for an examination.

"Yup. It looks like a bee has crawled into yo...

Could someone help me out? I live in Canada and I need to travel to my honey farm tomorrow, but I don't have a car.

I don't need anything special, just something to get me from eh to bee.

"Honey! I'm pregnant, and we'll be happily expecting a baby soon!"

Says the woman.

But her wife was not happy.

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A woman says to her husband after sex-"Oh honey.. Its not the size of the boat, its the motion of the ocean!"

He looks up and yells
"Well it takes a long fucking time to get to England in a canoe!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

#2537: Do you have a vagina?

A woman hears a knock on the door and when she opens the door a man asks this.

Man: Do you have a vagina?

Woman slams the door in disgust

The next morning she hears a knock again and answers the door. The man asks the same question Man: do you have a vagina?

She slams the...

I asked an old man, "Even after 60 years of being married, how can you still call your wife 'Honey', 'Darling' and 'Sweetheart'?"

He replied, "Well I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm scared to ask her!"

I asked my Grandpa: After 65 years you still call grandma Darling, Beautiful and Honey...

What's the secret?

**Grandpa**: I forgot her name 5 years ago and Im scared to ask her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ted Was Worried... [LONG]

Ted, my friend and colleague for many years called me (into his office) and told me he was worried his wife was having an affair.

"I think she's having an affair with Greg from sales" he told me.

I asked him "what makes you think that?

"Ah, well" he explained "Whenever my wife h...

TIL you need a 3.0 GPA to produce honey

You can't produce honey without Bs.

Husband says'' Honey, it's me. I don't want to alarm you but

. . . I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They've checked me over and dome some tests and x-rays. The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately, it didn't cause any serious internal injury. However, I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the lef...

A wife asks her husband "Honey, how many women have you slept with?"

The husband replies, "Only you sweetie. I was awake for all the other ones "

My wife called me today while I was at work and said, “Honey, I’ve started to have contractions! I need you to drive to the hospital!”

Forty-five minutes later when I got there, I called her back and asked, “Right, I’m here, what do you want me to do now?!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get if you put honey on your dick?

A penis fly trap

Look Honey, a cactus!

I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving....

Honey, something's always bug me about the children.

-I can't help but notice out out of our eight children, Ben looks different from all the others. I know what to terrible thing to ask, but does he have a different father?
-Yes, it's true. He does.
-Please tell me. Who's Ben's father.
-You.

Honey I'm not allowed back at work anymore...

Wife: why?

Man: I got fired for sleeping with the boss' wife.

Wife: Are you joking? His wife has been dead for 17 years.

Man: I'm also not allowed back at the cemetery.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW A woman was lying on the beach one day...

When suddenly a bee flies into her vagina.
Scared as she was, she went to the doctors office and received a male doctor in the urgent matters.
She explained her problem to him. He said there was nothing to worry about.

"Just go home and put some honey on your husbands dick, and ask him ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man comes home from work, sits down in his recliner, turns on the TV and says to his wife 'Honey, grab me a beer before it starts!'

His wife yells back 'Dammit, I don't clean this entire house, do all the grocery shopping, laundry, and cooking just for you to come home and plop your lazy ass down in that chair and demand that I bring you a beer!'
The man says 'Oh, shit, looks like it's already started.'

Wife : Honey before we got married , you used to give me gifts and expensive jewelry.

Husband : Yes…so ?


Wife : How come you don’t do it anymore ?


Husband : Have you ever seen a fisherman give worms to the fish after catching it?

What do you call a cereal box full of snakes?

Honey Bunches of nopes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two elderly ladies are smoking outside...

It stared raining and one of the ladies pulls out a condom, cuts the end off and puts it over her cigarette so it won't get wet. The other lady thinks this is a great idea so she decides to head to the store to buy some condoms.
When she gets there she goes to the counter and asks the cashier fo...

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