If meat is murder...

...then is cake battery?

Which side of a deer has the best meat?

The inside.

Lately my wife looks at me like I’m just a piece of meat.

And it wouldn’t bother me if she wasn’t a vegan.

I beat my meat on a plane the other day...

Turns out you can get arrested for high jacking.

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What do you call it when you put your meat between two buns?

A sandwich, you sick fuck.

What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder?

He got a little behind in his work.

So there's this sheep farmer who had money troubles because he wasn't selling a lot of wool. He decided to sell the meat instead...

...needless to say, things went from baa to wurst.

AITA for mixing up orders and serving a vegan customer a meat sandwich?

Oops wrong sub

I went to the butcher to find him trying to unhook some meat in the freezer

He said "if you can reach those for me you can have them."

But the steaks were too high.

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting

I said well yea, but people that sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.

My child doesn't want to eat meat .with what can i replace it ?

A dog loves meat

How do you become a winner and champion in Meat Shooting Competition?

By learning from your missed steaks.

Companies are bragging about making plants taste like meat....

...Cows have been doing that forever.

If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat don’t open it

It’s spam

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

What’s the cheapest meat you can buy?

Deer balls, they’re under a buck...

(Told to me by my 12yo son)

A group of vegan activists told me that people who sell meat are gross

I told them people who sell fruit & veg are grocer

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I was served what I thought was horse meat but I'm not sure about it

It tastes like ass.

How do you describe a muscular pervert like a saucy meat dish?

Beef strokin' off

I used to sell THC infused meats.

It was a high-steaks job.

What kind of meat do priests eat?

Nun.

My wife said I had to stop listening to Meat Loaf.

I'd do anything for love, but I won't do that.

They're serving mystery meat at the cafeteria in the physics lab again.

I've been asking what the main ingredient they put in their heisenburgers was, and nobody knows.

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm... that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says "woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

I love cooking meat for tiny men...

...make gnome a steak.

Vegans don't beat their meat

They beat their "0% dairy all organic tofu"

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[NSFW] Gordon Ramsey: "F***ing hell, this tastes like someone shat on a piece of meat and then served it raw. What the f*** are you thinking asking me to eat this?"

"Gordon, if you don't want to give me oral sex, just say so. Don't make a production out of it." - His wife.

My doctor sucks. He said if I don't lay off the soda and red meat, I'll destroy my kidneys.

All that education and he can't even tell the difference between kid knees and adult knees.

Have you ever tried baby wookie meat?

It's a little chewy

What's a snowman's favorite meat?

Cold cuts!

A man walks in a bar which has slabs of meat hanging from the ceiling. The bartender says “if you can jump up and slap a piece of meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you buy everyone in the bar a drink. The man then shook his head....

....The steaks are too high

How does Lady Gaga like her meat?

Raw, raw, raw, raaaaw

I bet my local butcher $100 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf

he said, "Sorry man, the steaks are too high."

I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.

I’m hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.

My best friend told me he’s been dating a girl for a couple of months and she doesn’t eat any meat whatsoever!

I can’t believe I hadn’t heard of herbivore.

What’s the difference between meat and fish?

If you beat your fish it dies

What do you call a recently opened Indian meat store?

The New Delhi

My girlfriend gave me a steamed ball of dough filled with meat and veggies.

I think she's dumpling me.

Everytime i go out for a meal with my wife she's always like 'enjoying your meat... MURDERER!'

Like geez... Why can't she just forget the time i shot her mom

Yesterday, I told my dad a joke about meat.

He said: a steak pun is a rare medium, well done.

If pigs get easily killed for their meat...

think of the dinosaurs, they were even meatier.

People keep telling me flying and eating meat is bad for the environment.

So I shot that stupid eagle.

GMOs are one thing, but I was worried my sandwich meat had a genetic disease...

You know, cause it was in bread.

With the success of BK's Impossible Whopper, McDonald's decided they needed a non-meat option too.

So they brought back the McRib.

In Soviet Russia a man walks into a shop. He asks the clerk, “You don’t have any meat?”

The clerk says, “No, here we don’t have any fish. The shop that doesn’t have any meat is across the street.”

In a small Jewish village, a man walks into the butcher shop.

He doesn’t look at the meat, and instead just mopes around, sighing. Eventually, the butcher is forced to ask, “Binyamin, what’s wrong?”

“Oy, gevalt, you’d never believe it, but my son went to Jerusalem, and he came back a Christian!”

“You’re kidding?”

“No, I promise!”

Th...

I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.

He said nah, I’m not really Inuit.

I Always Eat Double the meat than the Usual

to ensure that the one vegan out there who thinks is making a difference isn't making one at all!

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A man says to his doctor: "Doctor plz I am so sick my stomach can't digest anything. If I eat meat, I poop meat; if I eat vegetables, I poop vegetables. What do I do?!"

Doctor: "Eat shit."

What's the difference between a meat lover's group and a vegetarian group?

The vegetarians just meatless

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MEAT, DOG, WIFE OR BLOW JOB. WHICH ONE IS NOT LIKE THE OTHERS ?

BLOW JOB. BECAUSE YOU CAN BEAT YOUR WIFE, DOG AND MEAT BUT NOTHING BEATS A BLOW JOB.

I recently heard that you can get salmonella from eating raw meats

Guess I gotta quit cold turkey

I used to be addicted to raw meat..

Don't worry, I'm cured now.

Can vegans eat pudding?

No, you cant have any pudding if you don't eat your meat.

I hate how woman always look at me like i'm a piece of meat

and feel the need to roast me.

The Democrats are having trouble gaining traction for any of their candidates, so

They have asked Anthony Wiener to run for President and he would have Eric Holder as his VP.


They say it's the Wiener-Holder ticket. They will beat the competition, be hard on crime, and get a grip on the big issues.


They will get to meat of it all.

teacher and class

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"

Students: "Meat!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"

Students: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"

Students: "Homework!"

I sat down to eat my turkey sandwich and my wife yells, "Enjoying your meat, you murderer?"

I only wish one day goes by without her mentioning the time I killed her mother

Welcome to the plastic surgery addicts meating

I see a lot of new faces today

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do tofu and dildos have in common?

They’re both meat substitutes

What do you call the meat on your lower leg?

Bologna

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, murderer?!"

Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.

A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you ...

I was in the downtown last night thinking about having a dinner and went to a nearby restaurant. I asked the waiter, "I don't eat eggs, meat, fish, dairy or gluten. What would you recommend?"

He said a taxi.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wanted to get my meat beaten from a cute cop

So i painted it black.

That didn't go too well, I'm in the hospital now with 3 bullet holes in my dick

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't PETA members masturbate?

Because they hate beating meat.

Boudreaux the Baptist

Boudreaux was a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana who was born and raised a Baptist . Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Now, as a point of interest, all of Boudreaux's neighbors were Catholic and as such were for...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't vegetarians moan during sex?

Because they don't want to admit they were pleasured by a piece of meat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between an asshole and a refrigerator?

A refrigerator doesn’t fart when you take the meat out.

What is the name of the most meat-loving knight ?

Sir Loin

They say red meat will kill you

I'm pretty sure green meat will kill you a lot faster.

Dad joke a la meatball

I was recently out with some friends at a buffet restaurant.

I ate this Swedish meatball and said, "This tastes more Norwegian to me."

My friend replied immediately, "How could you possibly know that?"

I replied, "I was going to tell you, but you didn't let me Finnish!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You have piece of meat, a carpet, an egg and a blowjob. Which one doesn't belong?

A Blowjob.

You can beat a carpet, you can beat an egg, you can beat your meat, but you can't beat a blowjob

‘Whaling is the hunting of whales for their usable products such as meat and blubber.’

\[ CETACEAN NEEDED \]

There's a group of white supremacists who don't eat meat

The Vegetaryan Brotherhood

I work in a meat market

Every day is a sausage party.

Meat

Guy in a pub sees two lumps of meat nailed to the ceiling. “What’s that about?” he asks the barman.
“Pub tradition. Jump and touch the meat, you get a free beer.”
The guy thinks a moment, then shakes his head. “I’m not taking that bet. The steaks are too high.”

A 1960s Soviet Couple is Looking to Buy Some Meat

An old married couple in Moscow wanted to celebrate their anniversary, and the wife sends her husband to the store to find meat. They are skeptical the store will have fresh meat, but it could be their last anniversary.

The old man waits in line for an hour. When he finally gets to the count...

Did you hear that McDonalds is releasing a burger in honor of Michael Jackson called the McJackson burger?

It's a 30 year old piece of meat between some 10 year old buns.

(I apologize, I know this one is really bad)

People keeps sending me canned meat.

That's a lot of spam.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats the difference between anal sex and a microwave?

Microwaves don't brown the meat.

As a Pink Floyd fan, nothing makes me angrier than seeing a vegan eating pudding.

Because how can you have any pudding if you don't eat yer meat?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So it's a chilly morning in Brno, and everybody 's in line to buy meat.

They're waiting and waiting, and the line's not moving at all.

Eventually a Party official comes out and says "Due to the conspiracy of wreckers, there isn't enough meat. All the Jews need to get off the line".

So the Jews all get off the line and go home, but still everyone's waiting ...

During a high school visit to France, I stayed with a French family.

One night, I was unsure what the meat on my dinner plate was, so I pointed to it and asked in my best 11th-grade French: “Qui est-ce?” The family’s expressions told me I needed some tutoring. Instead of asking “What is it?” as I had intended, I’d asked “Who is it?”

A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast.

The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks: “If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?”

The lawyer answers: “Absolutely.”

“Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast fro...

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A teacher gave her class

of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market ...

So I went in the butchers and he said " I bet you can't reach those two pieces of meat up on that high shelf" I answered "I don't bet" "Why" he asked...

"The stakes are too high"

I used to tenderuse young goats meat

But everyone got upset when i told them i beat kids meat

No dog meat please

Daddy, daddy, can we have a dog for Christmas? No, I think we'll have turkey as usual.

A guy with a gambling addiction walks into a butchers

He goes to the butcher - "I bet you $500 you can't get the meat down from the top shelf without a ladder"

The butcher says "I can't take that bet, the steaks are too high"

Did you hear cheese and meat sales have gone up in India?

Apparently there is a New Delhi.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling about ten or eleven feet in the air

So he goes up to the bartender and asks, “Why do you have all this meat hanging up everywhere?”

The bartender replies, “Well, we actually have a bit of a game we like to play here, a sort of challenge.”

The man, obviously intrigued, asks the bartender what the game is. So the bartender...

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