How do you cook alligator meat?

In a croc pot!

A butcher is at work, chopping up some meat when he hears the door open.

He walks to the door and sees a golden retriever with a note in its mouth. The butcher, amused, grabs the note and reads it. The note says, "I'll take a dozen sausage links. Keep the change." The butcher scoffs and is about to throw the note away until he takes another look at the dog, who is now ho...

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I overheard my neighbor say she had a shitty day, so I anonymously sent her a meat lover’s pizza

She’s a vegan and I hate her fucking guts

I was enjoying my steak when a woman yelled "Enjoying your meat, MURDERER?"

I can't believe she wouldn't let me have my last meal in peace, just because I shot her mother!

People who sell meat are gross.

But people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.

What happened when the skinny butcher backed up into his meat grinder?

He got a little behind in his work.

I had this new kind of meat the other day. It was Himalayan rabbit.

The only issue is, I found Himalayan on the road.

The butcher had over 20 types of cured cylindrical meat for sale.

I never sausage a selection.

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As her husband was leaving for work, his wife asks for $100 to buy meat.

The husband takes her to a mirror, pulls out a $100 bill and says, "See that $100 bill in the mirror? That one belongs to you. This one here? This one belongs to me" He puts the money in his pocket and goes to work.

When he gets home from work and opens the fridge, he sees it's packed with m...

The other day I invested in a meat company.

I bought a 20 percent steak.

2 Men make a bet to see who can throw the most meat.

The steaks were high.

[Historical] What do the Persians, young boys and spiced lamb meat have in common?

Getting speared by the Ancient Greeks

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD t...

What is the best kind of meat to put on your shins?

Bologna

Liam Neeson is retiring and going into the burger business. He first chooses his cuts of meat, then he says...

I will grind you and I will grill you.

She handed me a jar and said, "This herb goes well with pork, beef, duck and chicken recipes, and fatty meats in particular."

I looked at the label and thought, "That is some sage advice."

A vegan told me people who sold meat were disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit and veg are grocer.

A man was enjoying his burger when someone broke the news to him that it was made out of 'Horse Meat'. Suddenly he went into a fit and started choking. Two hours upon rushing him to the hospital........

.......His condition is now known to be 'Stable'

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

If we weren’t meant to eat meat

why are cows made out of food?

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As a kid I always insisted on having olive oil on my pasta instead of meat sauce.

Maybe that is why I am a virgin.

What is Google chrome's favorite meat to eat

RAM

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Since vegans can't beat their meat what do they call masturbating?

Stem cell research.

Nice canned meat you got there

Too bad it isn't allowed here, rule 3.

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NSFW: On a dare, I stuck my dick in the meat grinder at work and and then I got fired...

...And she got fired too

was at a restaurant the other day and overheard this conversation. Customer: "I don't eat honey, eggs, cheese, dairy or any meat products. What can I get?"

Waiter: "You can get the hell out of here"

My uncle got addicted to deli meat

But I heard he quit cold turkey.

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Why don't vegetarians moan during sex?

Because they don't want to admit that a piece of meat makes them happy.

We were stranded at sea with dwindling supplies of dried food and canned meat. Some of the guys started to catch birds and eat them or barter them for other food,...

...so I took a tern for the wurst.

If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat, don't open it ...

It's Spam.

A man walks into a crowded bar, and notices 3 slabs of meat hanging behind the bar

He asks the bartender what they’re there for, and the bartender tells the man that the bar currently has a challenge going on. “If you can jump up, and hit all 3 slabs of meat before your feet hit the ground, you drink free for a month. But, if you don’t, you need to cover the cost of everyone’s dri...

What’s the cheapest meat out there?

A deers balls, because it’s under a buck.

I only eat vegan meat.

I've got two in my freezer right now.

I am like the meat tenderizer in my kitchen

My family is vegetarian

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An exotically dressed prostitute is perusing the meat section of the supermarket, looking perplexed.

The butcher walks over to her and asks, “Can I help you find something?”

The prostitute explains that she while she was selecting some chicken to grill, she realized she wasn’t sure if the meat was from a hen or rooster.

Surprised, the butcher replies, “You know, I’d never considered...

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past.

It was a bit choppy.

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My grandmother loved to cook meat so my parents bought her a boning knife for her birthday.

Everybody laughed when she unwrapped the package, held up the knife, and said sweetly, “I’ve got a six-inch boner!”

A new supermarket opened near my house.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing, and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department, there is th...

Undercooked meat

is a rare treat

We tried that new fusion restaurant that only serves intestines and organ meat.

It was offal.

A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.

The guy asks "what's this about?". the bartender replies, "well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You want to have a go?" The guy replies, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."

ME: Is it "mince meat" or "minced meat"?

**NEIGHBOUR:** What? Did you find my cat or not?

**ME:** I'm getting to that

How do you make friends with a meat sandwich?

You tell it a bunch of bologna

I would never try to get meat off the top shelf without a ladder.

The steaks are too high

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he ...

Every day i beat the meat at work.

I have been a butcher for five years.

My child doesn't want to eat meat. What can I replace it with?

A dog. Dogs love meat.

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What do tofu and a dildo have in common?

They’re both meat substitutes

A Rabbi at the meat counter

He points at a beautiful piece of ham. "I'd like to have some of the fish there"

"But Rabbi! This is ham!"

The Rabbi shakes his head. "I didn't ask for the name of the fish!"

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One day a bear has announced in the woods that every animal has to bring him meat tomorrow

And if any don't bring it he'll whip their back with his dick.


So the next day every animal in the woods lines up in front of bear's cave and leaves him a piece of meat, but the rabbit as he is weak and can't hunt he left him a carrot.


The bear angrily grabbed the little ...

A man went into a cafe and asked for a meat pie.

"Shall I cut it for you?" said the waiter."Yes, please," said the man."How many pieces?" asked the waiter, "Four or six?""Better make it four. I don't think I can eat six!

I asked my friend about his least favourite type of meat

He said sausages.
And I replied yes, they are the wurst.

If you receive a picture of some meat in a tin from me to your email address...

... don't worry, it's just spam.

Have you seen a car eat meat?

Nah, a carnivore eats meat

A single cow can give us lots of things, such as: milk, meat, blood, leather, fat and many more...

You could say we're milking them.

If meat is murder...

...then is cake battery?

A World War I French fighter pilot walks into a bar...

He goes up to the bartender, orders a glass of red wine and walks over to a beautiful woman. Taken to him, he passionately kisses her on the lips and then takes a sip of wine.

“I am Jacque La Roque, famous French fighter pilot! When I have the red meat I must have the red wine.

She rep...

NASA had a supply of rib eye on the last flight to the international space station to see how meat cooked in space. They called it their most important mission.

Because the steaks were never higher.

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An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full versi...

Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appear...

Vegan Meat

I went to a steak restaurant if they had a vegan option available. They told me that all of their meat is vegan.

I was a bit surprised and they offered to show me how they make their food. I was taken to a door near the back where some cows where grazing. One was taken and beheaded. Then an...

I’ve been giving my cows weed to make their meat taste better

The steaks were high, but were otherwise delicious

I was grilling yesterday but then the meat started smoking

Stakes were high

What does a waiter say when he gives meat for a vegan

Sorry it was a meat steak.

AITA for mixing up orders and serving a vegan customer a meat sandwich?

Oops wrong sub

If ever society collapses and we resort to cannibalism...

Vegans meat will be the most expensive because they’re grass fed.

A German, an Italian and a Chinese man arrive at a logging camp up north looking for work.

The boss sees the strapping young German and says, "you look strong and fit, here's a chainsaw, go join the fellers and help cut down some trees."
Next he looks at the Italian, a bit of a belly on him and looking well fed, and says, "You look like you know your way around the kitchen, go help in ...

I was on a plane, sat next to a man, who had a big sack filled of rotting animal meat.

He said it was his carrion luggage

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A religious couple just got married and are about to have sex for the first time...

A religious couple just got married and are about to have sex for the first time. Just before, the wife looks at her vagina for the first time in years and sees that it is very large. Worried, she calls her mother. Her mother says it runs in the family, and that she should layer the inside of it wit...

I told a joke about a meat factory to my friends

They thought it was well done.

I randomly thought of this joke and considering it’s my cake day I thought I’d post it.

What’s the difference between a woman and a fridge?

A fridge doesn’t fart when you pull your meat out

The price of your average meat pie in Nicaragua, Panama, Dominica and Cubais $3. In Mexico, Honduras, Jamaica and Bahamas it lies around $2.79, and the cheapest at $1.79 can be found in Granada and Guatemala.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

I walked in on my son beating his meat

I didn't know he got a job at the deli!

I came across a great movie about a semi-truck with a defective refrigeration unit that had to deliver a large shipment of meat.

Unfortunately, the trailer spoiled it.

Where is the best place to buy meat in India?

At the Delhi

What kind of meat do you get from Minecraft cows?

Cornered Beef

Which side of a deer has the best meat?

The inside.

Lately my wife looks at me like I’m just a piece of meat.

And it wouldn’t bother me if she wasn’t a vegan.

A vegan said to me, "people who sell meat are gross!"

I said, "people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."






credits to Adele Cliff, from the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. Link in the comments

Nicola Sturgeon is being shown around an Edinburgh hospital when one of the patients sits up in bed and exclaims:

"Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, great chieftain o' the pudden race!"

Before Nicola can respond, another patient responds: "Wee, sleekit, cowerin', timorous beastie! O what a panic's in thy breastie!"

while a third one chimes in with "Some hae meat and cannae eat, and some wad eat th...

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Natural Medicine For Guys.

1: Go up to a tree and take a piss, if your pee attracts ants, you have diabetes.

2: If it dries fast, your sodium is high.

3: If it smells like meat, your cholesterol is high.

4: If you forgot to unzip, Alzheimer.

5: If yo missed the tree, Parkinson's.

6:If you pe...

What’s the only kind of meat a priest can eat on Sunday?

Nun.

A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you ...

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What does raw meat past the expiration date and pussy have in common?

If it passes the smell test, it’s okay to eat

Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:

"Some h...

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What do you call it when you put your meat between two buns?

A sandwich, you sick fuck.

What kind of meat comes from an animal whose left legs are shorter than their right legs?

Lean.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Gordon Ramsey: "F***ing hell, this tastes like someone shat on a piece of meat and then served it raw. What the f*** are you thinking asking me to eat this?"

"Gordon, if you don't want to give me oral sex, just say so. Don't make a production out of it." - His wife.

China have announced their new rage of meat free snacks.

"Not Poodle"

my girlfriend told my to throw my Meat loaf CDs out

I would do anything for love but I won't do that

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Pissed Off

A small, balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight."

The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit worse for the wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink...

Husband tired of His lazy wife sitting all day on the couch told Her: If You keep doing this you will lose your womb for being too lazy.

Next morning He found Her asleep on the same spot and quickly went to the meat shop and bought a whole cow liver, went back home and carefully placed it right by her crotch and left to work.
When He came back home found His wife crying and had a pale face. He said whats wrong?

Wife: I los...

Why does sandwich meat have webbed fingers?

Because it's in bread.

Paul's height is six feet, he is an assistant at a butcher shop and wears size 9 shoes. What does he weigh?

Meat.

I beat my meat on a plane the other day...

Turns out you can get arrested for high jacking.

Soviet archaeologists discover an ancient man in the ice in the Ural

In the 70s, a Soviet professor and two of his students are conducting an excavation in the Ural Mountains. They discover a well preserved man in the ice and they dig him up. He is wearing some primitive clothes, a stick and some unknown artefacts and they soon start arguing which age he is from. Wh...

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Andy was frustrated.

His wife always complained that he wasn't good enough in bed and that she wasn't satisfied.
He went to the local bar to get a drink and cool off for a bit. On reaching the bar, he ordered a beer and sat down.
His friend, Mike saw him sitting alone and walked up to him.
He asked Andy what ...

Why should you let your meat rest for 5 minutes?

In case your arm gets tired.

A sous chef hung some chops of meat on the ceiling, and challenged me saying he'd pay me 20$ if I could jump and bring them down, while I had to pay him 20$ if I couldn't.

I didn't accept, the steaks were too high

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This is a joke my dad always used to tell. Hope no one has heard it before

The Red Baron, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend for picnic by the river Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. The girlfriend leans over to The Red Baron and says, "Baron kiss me!" The Red Baron grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on his girlfriends Lips. "What ar...

Why should you always give meat to a starving man?

Because their life is at steak

I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.

I’m hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.

What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing contest?

The steaks have never been higher!

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Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill

and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. Th...

Historical Context on How to Pronounce the Sauce

Since we are talking about how to pronounce the sauce. I though I would give some historical context I was talk when I was younger.

In the 19th Century, 2 men in England created a new sauce. It was savory, and went well with potatoes and meats. The 2 men didn't know what to call this sauce, s...

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What do you call the degree of heat present in a typical japanese dish usually consisting of seafood, meat and vegetables that have been battered and deep fried?

Tempurature.

So there's this sheep farmer who had money troubles because he wasn't selling a lot of wool. He decided to sell the meat instead...

...needless to say, things went from baa to wurst.

Have you ever tried baby wookie meat?

It's a little chewy

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, murderer?!"

Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.

I once chased out a guy who was trying to steal meat cooking in one of the ovens

You meet a lot of strange people at the Morgue

What's the difference between meat and fish?

If you beat your fish, it dies!

My girlfriend just told me the local supermarkets might run out of meat due to Covid-19.

I told her, I'm not worried. There's more than one way to skin a cat.

My wife said I had to stop listening to Meat Loaf.

I'd do anything for love, but I won't do that.

Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass!

I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!

I beat my meat frequently

My arm hertz a lot afterwards

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