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I overheard my neighbor say she had a shitty day, so I anonymously sent her a meat lover’s pizza

She’s a vegan and I hate her fucking guts

A robber was preparing to break into a butcher's to steal meat.

He decided not to in the end, as the stakes were too high.

If beating your meat can help you get Post-nut Clarity, maybe it is better do it twice for really important decisions to have

Two-Fapper Authentication

What kind of meat does A vegetarian priest eat?

Nun.

Everyone knows that venison is deer meat

Few know of Vanison, which is what happens when your deer is hit by a van...

and still fewer know about Vennison which shares qualities with both.

A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.

The guy asks "what's this about?". the bartender replies, "well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You want to have a go?" The guy replies, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."

I bought minced meat but forgot to pay the butcher

He now has a beef with me

How do you cook alligator meat?

In a croc pot!

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Soviet Meat Queue

A mixed group of Soviet Citizens are in line outside a butchers in Vitebsk, 1950.

The butcher comes out, and says:

> Comrades, due to problems with the supply structure, there is limited meat today. All Jews must leave the line.

The Jews leave the line.

Time passes....

On my cake day, I went to the Doctor and was told that my love of deli meats was going to kill me.

I had to quit cold turkey.

If a vegan accidentally eats meat...

Do they break out in chives?

What do lactose intolerant people call a collection of meat and cheese?

A shart tootery board

What is the most violent meat?

Proshooto

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Vegans don't beat their meat

They jerk their vegetable.

Red meat is not bad for you.

Fuzzy red meat is.

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A Pastor's wife goes to the grocery store and is in the meat section.

She sees some meat she's never seen before and asks what it is called. "Damn ham" replies the butcher. The wife replies "Excuse me I don't appreciate that type of language." The butcher apologizes and says he didn't name it. She buys some. She takes her groceries home and begins to cook dinner....

I ordered a bit of meat from the chef.

The waiter said they don’t serve cannibals.

Made up on the spot, and told to me by my 13yo son just now: What's a dog's favorite type of meat?

Wag-yu.

When two meat-eaters fight, it’s called beef.

When two vegans fight, it’s called a tofeud.

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " Woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

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Why vegans don't moan during sex

It's coz they're afraid to admit that some meat makes them happy

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What do you call angry meat?

Pissedtrami

I just ate out my girl with a side of meat and cheese

I call it CharCooterie

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If you eat pussy, are you a meat eater?

Nope, still a vagetarian!

I don't eat meat for religious reasons

I eat it becouse i like the taste

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Three construction workers, an Australian, a Finn and a Swede, are sitting on a beam on the tenth floor about to have their lunch.

The Australian opens his lunch box and says "Bloody hell - meat pies again! Every day it's bloody meat pies! If I get meat pies again tomorrow, I'm going to jump!"

The Finn opens up his lunch next. "Saatana! Makkara (sausage) again! Always sausages! If I get sausage tomorrow, I'm gonna jump t...

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As her husband was leaving for work, his wife asks for $100 to buy meat.

The husband takes her to a mirror, pulls out a $100 bill and says, "See that $100 bill in the mirror? That one belongs to you. This one here? This one belongs to me" He puts the money in his pocket and goes to work.

When he gets home from work and opens the fridge, he sees it's packed with m...

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

A butcher is at work, chopping up some meat when he hears the door open.

He walks to the door and sees a golden retriever with a note in its mouth. The butcher, amused, grabs the note and reads it. The note says, "I'll take a dozen sausage links. Keep the change." The butcher scoffs and is about to throw the note away until he takes another look at the dog, who is now ho...

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I know what Ancient Meats and Vegetables tastes like.

*spits gasoline out*
Fucking bad.

101 ways to stop eating meat...

Number 34: Cold Turkey

What happened when the skinny butcher backed up into his meat grinder?

He got a little behind in his work.

If you think Lab Grown Meat sounds bad, ...

You should try Pit-bull Grown Meat.

(Mine had sticks and cat-litter in it.)

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Pierre the French fighter pilot was the greatest fighter pilot the world had ever seen.

His skill in a plane was rivaled only by his skill in bed and he had many a fair young thing aching for his love.

On a bright summer day he was picnicking with a young lady in the shade of a willow tree near a lake. They had talked for a while but the woman could wait no longer and she leane...

My grandma told me this one

A butcher goes to a barber for a haircut. When it’s time to pay, the barber declines, saying “I’m feeling generous today, you don’t need to pay for this one”

The next morning someone knocks on the barber’s door. When he opens, it turns out to be the butcher, carrying some sausages and other m...

What are some jokes with multiple punchlines? Here is an example what i mean:

A journalist was about to interview a company that advertised 100% chicken meat sausages.
The interviewer asked if the sausages are realy 100% chicken meat.
Company director:"well this is a secret, but for the sausages to remain juicy, we need to add some horse meat"
Interviewer: "Horse mea...

I had this new kind of meat the other day. It was Himalayan rabbit.

The only issue is, I found Himalayan on the road.

Whenever I purchase wild meat I always make sure I pack it in the back of my car.

I like to be ahead of the game.

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My favourite joke to perform. Terrible accent recommended.

Pierre, zee French fighter pilot is with his amour.

"Oh, Pierre, I want you to kiss me", she exclaims.

And so he tilts her chin up and leans in, but just before he plants a kiss on her lips, he pours a little red wine on them, and then goes in for the kiss.

"Oh, Pierre, mon di...

The only joke I know.

How does a cow introduce his wife...?

He says, "meat patty".

I am very sorry.

Edit: it makes sense that my only popular post is a dad joke. I've never received any awards before so thank you everyone, this is insane.

Also, I understand everyone is upset about the cow vs b...

A guy walks into a store and says to the clerk, “I’d like a pound of kielbasa please.”

The clerk looks at him, squints his eyes, and says, “You’re Polish, aren’t cha?”

The man looks surprised and says, “Now how did you know that? Was it because I asked for the national meat of Poland? Or did something else give it away?”

The clerk replies, “It’s because this is a hardwar...

People who sell meat are gross.

But people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.

I just dented my meat...

Opened the freezer door too fast and the hotdogs flew out onto the floor.

What does the kale farmer say to the meat farmer?

Hi.

(Original joke from my 10-year-old son).

What do you call a horse meat sandwich in Kentucky?

Last placed.

Nice canned meat you got there

Too bad it isn't allowed here, rule 3.

Why does Meghan Trainor like to pour the meat juices over her roast during cooking?

She’s all about that baste.

What is the best day to eat Camel meat?

Wednesday

I was held captive by some French-Canadian terrorists...

They forced me to eat hundreds of meat pies.

It was tourtière.

People say meat is dirty but...

plants live their entire lives in dirt. They consume dirt. Vegetarians are dirty.

If we weren’t meant to eat meat

why are cows made out of food?

What is the best kind of meat to put on your shins?

Bologna

The other day I invested in a meat company.

I bought a 20 percent steak.

A man is waiting in a line in the Soviet Union to get food

As he gets closer to the counter, he sees that most people are now walking away empty handed.

When his turn comes, he asks "Hi comrade, I assume you are out of fish?"
"No comrade, you are in the wrong place. We are out of meat. The store across the street is the one that is out of fish".

She handed me a jar and said, "This herb goes well with pork, beef, duck and chicken recipes, and fatty meats in particular."

I looked at the label and thought, "That is some sage advice."

A vegan told me people who sold meat were disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit and veg are grocer.

What’s the cheapest meat you can buy?

Deer balls, they’re under a buck...

(Told to me by my 12yo son)

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Since vegans can't beat their meat what do they call masturbating?

Stem cell research.

The butcher had over 20 types of cured cylindrical meat for sale.

I never sausage a selection.

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant (pre Covid)

Suddenly, a girl walked towards me and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, MURDERER??"

"Seriously Vanessa, it was 20 years ago and your dad had a knife..."

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Why are jews circumcised?

Because its not kosher to mix cheese with meat.

Hiking

Two women are hiking in the wilds, and they arrive at a chasm over a river with an old bridge. One of the women announces she needs to pee and proceeds to drop her drawers, but before she begins, she looks down and exclaims in a startled voice, "There is a canoe below me full of moose meat!"

...

2 Men make a bet to see who can throw the most meat.

The steaks were high.

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Have you ever read a story that is 100% true but sounds like a joke?

You're about to.

This happened when i was 19, in 2008.

I'm italian, and at the time i was dating this girl that was one year older than me. She was studying oriental languages and cultures at the uni and was also learning chinese (mostly cantonese).

One day we went on a date to ...

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NSFW: On a dare, I stuck my dick in the meat grinder at work and and then I got fired...

...And she got fired too

Liam Neeson is retiring and going into the burger business. He first chooses his cuts of meat, then he says...

I will grind you and I will grill you.

A man was enjoying his burger when someone broke the news to him that it was made out of 'Horse Meat'. Suddenly he went into a fit and started choking. Two hours upon rushing him to the hospital........

.......His condition is now known to be 'Stable'

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As a kid I always insisted on having olive oil on my pasta instead of meat sauce.

Maybe that is why I am a virgin.

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop. She confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it..???

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed:
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the Meat each week, came into the shop and said. "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know." Said the Butcher with a smi...

Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appear...

Seven wise men, with knowledge so fine, made something special of their design.

The first was a butcher, all full of wit. With some meat and a knife, he made a small slit.

The second, a blacksmith, quite strong and quite bold, hit the slit with a hammer and made a hole.

The third was a tailor, quite tall and quite thin. With a piece of red ribbon, he lined it with...

My uncle got addicted to deli meat

But I heard he quit cold turkey.

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD t...

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A man walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist

"I have a date this weekend with two smoking hot models. I want to be able to stay hard the whole time I'm with them. I'm looking for something stronger than Viagra!"

The pharmacist says "Well, I do have this new experimental drug. It works instantly and is guaranteed for three days without s...

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What's the difference between a vagina and a fridge?

A fridge doesn't fart when you take your meat out.

A catholic missionary is baptizing people in a river near an African village.

He pushes Mutombo under water and raises him again. Then he tells him:
"You are now Christian, and so you are no longer called Mutombo, you are now Joseph.
Oh and one more thing. Since you are Christian, you are no longer allowed to eat meat on fridays. "

The next friday, the priest...

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Sergei and Vladimir are standing in a long line outside a Soviet butcher shop.

The butcher comes out, looks at the long line, and yells, “We don’t have enough for all of you today! All the Jews, get out of the line and go home!”

After another hour of waiting, the butcher comes out again and looks at the line. He yells, “We don’t have enough for all of you! If you’re not...

What’s the cheapest meat out there?

A deers balls, because it’s under a buck.

was at a restaurant the other day and overheard this conversation. Customer: "I don't eat honey, eggs, cheese, dairy or any meat products. What can I get?"

Waiter: "You can get the hell out of here"

A man walks into a crowded bar, and notices 3 slabs of meat hanging behind the bar

He asks the bartender what they’re there for, and the bartender tells the man that the bar currently has a challenge going on. “If you can jump up, and hit all 3 slabs of meat before your feet hit the ground, you drink free for a month. But, if you don’t, you need to cover the cost of everyone’s dri...

I walked into my local pub...

Much to my surprise, I noticed slabs of meat attached to the ceiling. I asked what it was all about.

The barman said “if you can jump and touch the slabs of meat on the ceiling, you win free drinks for the rest of the night. However, if you don’t reach it you have to pay up £50... how does th...

A vegan said to me, "people who sell meat are gross!"

I said, "people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."






credits to Adele Cliff, from the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. Link in the comments

I recently had the opportunity to eat baby wookie

The taste was great, but the meat was a little chewy

A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you ...

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What kind of pet shop is this?

Joe loved his dog. Only one problem - his dog wasn’t housebroken. Joe tried everything, read every dog training book, bought every device on the market. But the dog was untrainable. Finally, he saw an ad for a pet shop that guaranteed results. Desperate, he gave it a try.

The pet shop was ve...

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An exotically dressed prostitute is perusing the meat section of the supermarket, looking perplexed.

The butcher walks over to her and asks, “Can I help you find something?”

The prostitute explains that she while she was selecting some chicken to grill, she realized she wasn’t sure if the meat was from a hen or rooster.

Surprised, the butcher replies, “You know, I’d never considered...

We tried that new fusion restaurant that only serves intestines and organ meat.

It was offal.

AITA for mixing up orders and serving a vegan customer a meat sandwich?

Oops wrong sub

If meat is murder...

...then is cake battery?

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My grandmother loved to cook meat so my parents bought her a boning knife for her birthday.

Everybody laughed when she unwrapped the package, held up the knife, and said sweetly, “I’ve got a six-inch boner!”

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The difference between anal sex and a microwave...

Is that anal sex will brown your meat without cooking it.




Credit to u/megalultra9 for commenting it on another subreddit.

Old Soviet Joke #2

At a local Party meeting the Chairman concludes his speech and asks if there are any questions. No one says anything until Shapiro raises his hand.

"I have three questions, Comrade Chairman. First, where have all our cattle gone? Second, where has all the meat from the cattle gone? Third, whe...

I met this girl Mary on tinder and took her to an all you can eat buffet I knew it wasn't going to work out when she told me she was a vegetarian so I decided to go down with guns blazing.

She came back with her salad to find me with my plate loaded up with every type of meat I could get my hands on.

I was shocked, though pleasantly surprised, when she asked for a bite of my kabab.

Mary had a little lamb.

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What is the difference between vegans and my ass

Vegans don't eat meat, while my ass has always some meat inside it

I only eat vegan meat.

I've got two in my freezer right now.

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past.

It was a bit choppy.

How do you make friends with a meat sandwich?

You tell it a bunch of bologna

What is the difference between grill and house fire?

The size of grilled meat

A cannibal came into my restaurant and asked if we served long pig

I told him we were out of both short and long. He said “I’ll give you $2,000 if you can whip me up something to my liking.” Thinking quickly, I told my clumsiest porter to go cut some frozen peas in the meat slicer.

Most money I ever made with just a simple hamd sandwich!

Every day i beat the meat at work.

I have been a butcher for five years.

I would never try to get meat off the top shelf without a ladder.

The steaks are too high

Lately my wife looks at me like I’m just a piece of meat.

And it wouldn’t bother me if she wasn’t a vegan.

Putin and Medvedev go to a high class restaurant.

Putin says to the waiter "For the meat I want a rib-eye steak, medium rare. The potatos are to be baked with sour cream".

The waiter asks "what about the vegetable?"

Putin looks at Medvedev and back to the waiter and says, "He'll have the same"

Vegan Meat

I went to a steak restaurant if they had a vegan option available. They told me that all of their meat is vegan.

I was a bit surprised and they offered to show me how they make their food. I was taken to a door near the back where some cows where grazing. One was taken and beheaded. Then an...

ME: Is it "mince meat" or "minced meat"?

**NEIGHBOUR:** What? Did you find my cat or not?

**ME:** I'm getting to that

The price of your average meat pie in Nicaragua, Panama, Dominica and Cubais $3. In Mexico, Honduras, Jamaica and Bahamas it lies around $2.79, and the cheapest at $1.79 can be found in Granada and Guatemala.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

I came across a great movie about a semi-truck with a defective refrigeration unit that had to deliver a large shipment of meat.

Unfortunately, the trailer spoiled it.

I’ve been giving my cows weed to make their meat taste better

The steaks were high, but were otherwise delicious

A man went into a cafe and asked for a meat pie.

"Shall I cut it for you?" said the waiter."Yes, please," said the man."How many pieces?" asked the waiter, "Four or six?""Better make it four. I don't think I can eat six!

Which side of a deer has the best meat?

The inside.

She’s love me not.

My wife kisses me a lot more when I’m cutting the carne asada. At first I thought, “wow, she really loves me” but then I realized she only wants me for my meat.

A single cow can give us lots of things, such as: milk, meat, blood, leather, fat and many more...

You could say we're milking them.

What does tofu and a vibrator have in common?

They are both meat substitutes

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The Bull Fight!

A traveling business man is staying at a hotel in spain for a few nights. He goes down to the hotel's restaurant and tells the waiter to surprise him. So, the waiter brings out this huge plate of spaghetti with two huge meat balls on top.

The business man loved the dish and asked what kind of...

I walked in on my son beating his meat

I didn't know he got a job at the deli!

A man walks into a crowded bar on a Friday night, and there’s a big commotion going on

Curious, he walks into the crowd and tries to find what is so exciting. Looking up, he sees several pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. Even more curious now, but also rather thirsty, he works his way to the bar tender. The man asks the bartender, “Why are there pieces of meat hanging from the ...

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