Meat Jokes - 100 Hilarious Meat Jokes

I see that in the US they're complaining about halal meat. They want their meat to be killed the American way...

....but, honestly, what are the chances of a cow enrolling in high school and being shot by a classmate?

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit
and vegetables are grocer.

A vegan said to me, "people who sell meat are gross!"

I said, "people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."

credits to Adele Cliff, from the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. Link in the comments

What’s the cheapest meat you can buy?

Deer balls, they’re under a buck...

(Told to me by my 12yo son)

Soviet joke: A man walks into a shop. He asks the clerk, “You don’t have any meat?”

The clerk says, “No, here we don’t have any fish. The shop that doesn’t have any meat is across the street.”

People that don't eat meat are called vegetarians, but what are people that don't eat vegetables?

constipated

I recently ate Donkey meat, I don't recommend it

It tastes like Ass

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I overheard my neighbor say she had a shitty day, so I anonymously sent her a meat lover’s pizza

She’s a vegan and I hate her fucking guts

A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you ...

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Which doesn't belong: Meat, a Blow Job, Your Wife, An Egg

A Blowjob, you can beat your Meat, you can beat your wife, and you can beat an egg, but you can't beat a blow job

Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble upon a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appear...

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

My child doesn't eat meat, what to substitute it with?

A dog, dogs eat meat

What is Jimmy McGill's favorite cut of meat?

Chuck roast.

In meat isle, two pieces of meat are talking.

One says...
Man, I really hate those sausages.

The other replies...
Yeah, they're the wurst!

My account got hacked. If you get a DM about meat from me, don't click on it.

It's spam

If meat is murder...

...then is cake battery?

How do you cook alligator meat?

In a croc pot!

AITA for mixing up orders and serving a vegan customer a meat sandwich?

Oops wrong sub

What do you call a local gambler who doesn't eat meat?

A Las Vegan.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a bunch of meat hanging on the wall.

He sits down and asks the bartender what the deal is with the meat. Bartender says the deal is if you want a free drink you gotta jump up and touch the meat but if you miss, you buy a round for the bar. The guy takes another look at the meat and the bartender asks if he's in. No, says the guy the...

What kind of meat do priests eat on Friday?

Nun.

What is a marine snail’s favorite lunch meat?

A-Bologna!

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Woman walks into the Butchers and asks for meat

Woman walked into the butcher and gets some steak and dog scraps. This happens for a while and the butcher asks what sort of dog she has. She replied I don't have a dog. It's for my husband he thinks he's a dog and it's all he eats
The butcher tells her that's terrible and also very unhealthy to ...

They fired that butcher who accidentally backed into the meat grinder.

They said he was getting a little behind in his work.

What's an absentee father's favorite meat?

Bison.

There was this guy who found an ancient book. In that book he read that dolphins live forever if you feed them the meat of an eagle.

Some time later he came across a very sick eagle and thought: It's gonna die soon anyway, might as well take it to the dolphins at the local zoo to see if what's in the book is actually true. At night he climbed over a wall to get into the zoo – and found himself right in the lion enclosure! He mana...

I treat women like pieces of meat

I'm a vegan - I haven't touched one in years

I bet my butcher $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf.

He said "No, the steaks are too high".

What do you call it when a meat and cheese caterer does a drive by?

Car shootery

Nice canned meat you got there

Too bad it isn't allowed here, rule 3.

People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them

"By mistake?"

"Oh come on.. Not you as well"

How does a redneck tenderize his meat?

He puts his pickup truck in reverse.

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What do tofu and a dildo have in common?

They’re both meat substitutes

How do cute animals like their meat?

r/aww

What’s the difference between your mom and a refrigerator?

A refrigerator doesn’t fart when you take the meat out.

What kind of meat?

I was once approached by a young man who asked me a very strange question.

"Hey, if I was a meat, what kind of meat would I be?"

After a moment I replied, "Bologna".

"Bologna?" He asked, confused?

"Yes, bologna. Because I'm not sure if you're real or fake, but either way ...

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, murderer?!"

Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.

What’s the funniest meat?

Beef Jokey.

horse meat

A guy walks into a bar in England and orders a beer. "Do you serve any of that lasagna that they found the horse meat in?" the guy asks. "Not that I know of," the bartender replies. "But you can always try our filly cheese steak."

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Why don't vegetarians moan during sex?

Because they don't want to admit that a piece of meat makes them happy.

What do you call white meat roadkill?

Roadtisserie Chicken

Apparently, the FDA is okay with lab-grown meat

Poodle-grown meat, however, is still off the menu.

The Sinful Meat

Bacon proves God has a sense of humour.

He invents the greatest meat in the world, then bans His chosen people from eating it.

What do you cal halal cured meats?

Salaami

What is the difference between fish and meat?

If you beat your fish, it will die.

Best name for cured meat convention in San Francisco...

... Bay Con.

I tried whale meat.

But I'm just not that Inuit.

The doctor said I should stop eating meat immediately for health reasons...

I asked if I had to quit cold turkey.

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My favourite joke to perform. Terrible accent recommended.

Pierre, zee French fighter pilot is with his amour.

"Oh, Pierre, I want you to kiss me", she exclaims.

And so he tilts her chin up and leans in, but just before he plants a kiss on her lips, he pours a little red wine on them, and then goes in for the kiss.

"Oh, Pierre, mon di...

The modern steak was invented when a piece of meat accidentally fell from a shelf, hit another two shelves, and fell right into a sizzling pan

Ba dum tss

Welcome to the plastic surgery addicts meating

I see a lot of new faces today

Sentient meat

2 Aliens meeting on their starship after a scan of the solar system:

Are there any lifeforms in that solar system

Well it's difficult to really explain

What do you mean

They're made out of meat.

Meat?

Meat. They're made out of meat.

Meat?

There...

When the government criminalized canned meat...

People were reported for spam

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Over half the population these days enjoy meat substitutes

Or, as they’re also called, dildos

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Soviet Meat Queue

A mixed group of Soviet Citizens are in line outside a butchers in Vitebsk, 1950.

The butcher comes out, and says:

> Comrades, due to problems with the supply structure, there is limited meat today. All Jews must leave the line.

The Jews leave the line.

Time passes....

The only joke I know.

How does a cow introduce his wife...?

He says, "meat patty".

I am very sorry.

Edit: it makes sense that my only popular post is a dad joke. I've never received any awards before so thank you everyone, this is insane.

Also, I understand everyone is upset about the cow vs b...

You know, people tell me organ meat is offal...

But personally I think German meats are the wurst.

If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat

Don’t open it. It’s Spam.

If you didn't hear already, Meat Loaf died

Henceforth referred to as Ground Beef

Everyone knows that venison is deer meat

Few know of Vanison, which is what happens when your deer is hit by a van...

and still fewer know about Vennison which shares qualities with both.

Vegans don't beat their meat

They beat their "0% dairy all organic tofu"

The truckers who transport donkey meat are very hurried

They spend their entire work day hauling ass

The butcher had over 20 types of cured cylindrical meat for sale.

I never sausage a selection.

If a vegan accidentally eats meat...

Do they break out in chives?

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Since vegans can't beat their meat what do they call masturbating?

Stem cell research.

Those who have an obsession with meat and anagrams are tough to please.

They're really hard to assuage.

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I tried filming myself eating dried meat with an old cine camera

But it was jerky

A lost dog wanders through the jungle. In the distance a lion sees him and whispers: "I'm going to eat him, I have never seen anything like that before."

The lion then began to approach the dog in a threatening manner. When the dog realized this, he panicked, but as he tried to run away, he saw a bone nearby, and he got the idea to speak out loud. "Lion meat is delicious!"

The lion suddenly stopped and said: "Wow, this guy is stronger than he...

Someone just sent me an email about potted meat.

I didn’t open it, it looked like Spam.

Why is a kitty who eats only lunch meats the most fragile?

Because it’s deli-cat

Please, no jokes about the passing of singer and 'Rocky Horror' actor Meat Loaf.

For a great many people that's a rather tender subject.

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I am Pierre

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"

Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips...

People say meat is dirty but...

plants live their entire lives in dirt. They consume dirt. Vegetarians are dirty.

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As her husband was leaving for work, his wife asks for $100 to buy meat.

The husband takes her to a mirror, pulls out a $100 bill and says, "See that $100 bill in the mirror? That one belongs to you. This one here? This one belongs to me" He puts the money in his pocket and goes to work.

When he gets home from work and opens the fridge, he sees it's packed with m...

I just dented my meat...

Opened the freezer door too fast and the hotdogs flew out onto the floor.

Why did Stephen Hawking only eat meat?

Because eating vegetables would be cannibalism.

Was tryin to think of a punny meat-eater joke.

But carnivore think of one. r_r

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Did you hear about the werewolf who cut out butt meat to try to eat healthier?

It's called a glute-free diet

Last night I watched a movie called "Fresh Meat".

I don't want to spoil it for you.

What do you call meat that is cooked more than 'well done'

Congratulations.

Not mine.. I saw it in some image posted a few weeks ago

I don't eat meat for religious reasons

I eat it becouse i like the taste

If we weren’t meant to eat meat

why are cows made out of food?

A man walks into a bar and sees a large jar full of £20 notes and a large piece of meat hanging from the ceiling

He confronts the bartender about it, and he explains.

'You put your £20 note in the jar, and then you get 3 jumps where you can try and grab that beef on the ceiling. If you get it, you can keep it and all the money in the jar.'

The man thought about for the moment, shook his head reg...

Out of Respect for Meat Loaf Passing I Went to the Record Shoppe

They had Bat out of Hell and Bat Out of Hell Volume 2 but I couldn't find Volume 3. I asked them about it.

They told me "Two out of three ain't bad."

Why don’t vampires just eat juicy meats full of blood?

Too much cholesterol can get them a steak through the heart.

(Credit to u/down_vote_magnet for the punchline of this joke)

Which side of a deer has the best meat?

The inside.

Lately my wife looks at me like I’m just a piece of meat.

And it wouldn’t bother me if she wasn’t a vegan.

My uncle got addicted to deli meat

But I heard he quit cold turkey.

You ever tried Wookie meat?

Its chewy.

A sign on a restaurant window says "If you order it and we don't have it, you instantly win one million dollars"

A man walking by notices the sign and walks in the restaurant and sits down at the table with a smirk on his face. The waiter asks what he will be having and the man says "I will have white rhinoceros stew please." The waiter comes out with a boiling hot bowl of exactly what the man ordered. The man...

A keen hunter takes his wife deer hunting for the first time in her life.

He first explains the basics to his wife, and then says: "One thing is super important: Whenever you shoot something, you must claim it right away. Or else if someone else gets to the kill, they might claim it. So if you want deer meat in the fridge, make sure you're quick to claim it."

Of ...

A robber was preparing to break into a butcher's to steal meat.

He decided not to in the end, as the stakes were too high.

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A man wants to buy some meat at his local Deli

A man walks in to Simpsons Deli and asks the butcher, "Do you have any deals going on right now?"

The butcher replies, "Sure we do! You can get 20 Chicken Breasts for $40, a full cow for $500, or half the meat for $499!"

The man scratches head in confusion and gets angry at the butcher...

I only eat vegan meat.

I've got two in my freezer right now.

My doctor tells me that a healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.

Tonight I ate 52 slices of roast beef.

Three guys are sharing a bed at a sleepover

When they wake up, the first guy says, "I had a wierd dream, I dreamt that someone beat my meat."

The guy on the left says, "Me too!"

The guy in the middle goes: "That's funny, I dreamt that I was skiing, but the snow was hot and sticky!"

Meat

Guy in a pub sees two lumps of meat nailed to the ceiling. “What’s that about?” he asks the barman.
“Pub tradition. Jump and touch the meat, you get a free beer.”
The guy thinks a moment, then shakes his head. “I’m not taking that bet. The steaks are too high.”

Why did the boardroom executives have slabs of meat in their hands?

They were all stakeholders.

A man sees a kebab shop owner, who is cooking some meat, and asks him a question

"Islam?"

"Yes, is lamb."

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