A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.

The guy asks "what's this about?". the bartender replies, "well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You want to have a go?" The guy replies, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."

The price of your average meat pie in Nicaragua, Panama, Dominica and Cubais $3. In Mexico, Honduras, Jamaica and Bahamas it lies around $2.79, and the cheapest at $1.79 can be found in Granada and Guatemala.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

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What does raw meat past the expiration date and pussy have in common?

If it passes the smell test, it’s okay to eat

China have announced their new rage of meat free snacks.

"Not Poodle"

I came across a great movie about a semi-truck with a defective refrigeration unit that had to deliver a large shipment of meat.

Unfortunately, the trailer spoiled it.

my girlfriend told my to throw my Meat loaf CDs out

I would do anything for love but I won't do that

Why should you always give meat to a starving man?

Because their life is at steak

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What do you call the degree of heat present in a typical japanese dish usually consisting of seafood, meat and vegetables that have been battered and deep fried?

Tempurature.

What do two cows say in a meat shop?

I really enjoyed hanging with you.

What kind of meat comes from an animal whose left legs are shorter than their right legs?

Lean.

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One day a bear has announced in the woods that every animal has to bring him meat tomorrow

And if any don't bring it he'll whip their back with his dick.


So the next day every animal in the woods lines up in front of bear's cave and leaves him a piece of meat, but the rabbit as he is weak and can't hunt he left him a carrot.


The bear angrily grabbed the little ...

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Why did the vegan eat packaged meat?

It was safer than the kale that asshole teens coughed on.

People who sell meat may be gross

But those who sell vegetables are grocer.

Which side of a deer has the best meat?

The inside.

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing contest?

The steaks have never been higher!

If meat is murder...

...then is cake battery?

AITA for mixing up orders and serving a vegan customer a meat sandwich?

Oops wrong sub

What's the difference between meat and fish?

If you beat your fish, it dies!

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What do you call it when you put your meat between two buns?

A sandwich, you sick fuck.

Today marks 4 weeks of isolation. Been running 2.5 miles a day, drinking 2 gallons of water, cut out ALL meat, sugar, dairy and flour. I feel great! Zero alcohol, a healthy vegan diet, gluten free, caffeine free, sugar free and a 30 minute home workout each day.

I have no idea who originally posted this, but I am really proud of them so I decided to copy & paste!

I beat my meat on a plane the other day...

Turns out you can get arrested for high jacking.

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting

I said well yea, but people that sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.

Why should you let your meat rest for 5 minutes?

In case your arm gets tired.

What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder?

He got a little behind in his work.

Lately my wife looks at me like I’m just a piece of meat.

And it wouldn’t bother me if she wasn’t a vegan.

What’s the cheapest meat you can buy?

Deer balls, they’re under a buck...

(Told to me by my 12yo son)

Why does congress have as much meat as Arbys?

Because something's really fishy with all these turkeys playing chicken in a beef over pork.

Vegans don't beat their meat

They beat their "0% dairy all organic tofu"

A group of vegan activists told me that people who sell meat are gross

I told them people who sell fruit & veg are grocer

How did the butcher know he’d been handling too much organ meat.

He felt offal.

I went to the butcher to find him trying to unhook some meat in the freezer

He said "if you can reach those for me you can have them."

But the steaks were too high.

We've got the meats

If meat and seafood is surf and turf, does that make meat seafood and poultry surf turf and away?

I beat my meat frequently

My arm hertz a lot afterwards

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I sent a lot of meat product to a friends house

He got pissed off and called me out on all the spam

What kind meat do priests eat?

Nun

So there's this sheep farmer who had money troubles because he wasn't selling a lot of wool. He decided to sell the meat instead...

...needless to say, things went from baa to wurst.

Companies are bragging about making plants taste like meat....

...Cows have been doing that forever.

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A trick to baking tender chicken breasts is to beat the meat until it's soften.

Dudes: Beat mine a few minutes ago but the chicken is still as hard as a rubber!

How do you become a winner and champion in Meat Shooting Competition?

By learning from your missed steaks.

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I was served what I thought was horse meat but I'm not sure about it

It tastes like ass.

They're serving mystery meat at the cafeteria in the physics lab again.

I've been asking what the main ingredient they put in their heisenburgers was, and nobody knows.

Jokes

Vegan hot dogs are basically the strap on of food .




You want the sausage but not the meat

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[NSFW] Gordon Ramsey: "F***ing hell, this tastes like someone shat on a piece of meat and then served it raw. What the f*** are you thinking asking me to eat this?"

"Gordon, if you don't want to give me oral sex, just say so. Don't make a production out of it." - His wife.

Doctor, my child refuses to eat meat! What can I replace it with?

Doctor: A dog. Dogs eat meat.

If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat don’t open it

It’s spam

My wife said I had to stop listening to Meat Loaf.

I'd do anything for love, but I won't do that.

I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.

I’m hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.

I love cooking meat for tiny men...

...make gnome a steak.

My doctor sucks. He said if I don't lay off the soda and red meat, I'll destroy my kidneys.

All that education and he can't even tell the difference between kid knees and adult knees.

I bet my local butcher $100 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf

he said, "Sorry man, the steaks are too high."

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm... that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says "woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

My vegan meat pie recipe

Step 1: Find yourself a fresh vegan...

Have you ever tried baby wookie meat?

It's a little chewy

Europe is like a fridge

You have the freezing cold part at the top


Then in the middle, you have cheese, cold meat, and a good drinks selection


Then down the bottom corner, there's just turkey and grease

New Supermarket

A new supermarket opened in Phoenix. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.


When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay. <...

Everytime i go out for a meal with my wife she's always like 'enjoying your meat... MURDERER!'

Like geez... Why can't she just forget the time i shot her mom

In Soviet Russia a man walks into a shop. He asks the clerk, “You don’t have any meat?”

The clerk says, “No, here we don’t have any fish. The shop that doesn’t have any meat is across the street.”

What do cows give you?

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .

'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in...

What do you call a recently opened Indian meat store?

The New Delhi

My girlfriend gave me a steamed ball of dough filled with meat and veggies.

I think she's dumpling me.

Females call me Little Ceasar

Cause I got crazy bread and low quality meat.

What's a district attorney's favorite meat?

Proseciutto

A vegan said to me, "people who sell meat are gross!"

I said, "people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."






credits to Adele Cliff, from the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. Link in the comments

I Always Eat Double the meat than the Usual

to ensure that the one vegan out there who thinks is making a difference isn't making one at all!

My best friend told me he’s been dating a girl for a couple of months and she doesn’t eat any meat whatsoever!

I can’t believe I hadn’t heard of herbivore.

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What does tofu and a dildo have in common?

It’s both a substitute for meat.

A Man and his Wife Order Steaks at an Exclusive Restaurant.

“How would you like your meat sir?” Asks the waiter.

“Well done !” Replies the man

“Thanks, I’m really good at my job,” replies the waiter, “while you’re thinking about how you like your meat, I’ll ask your wife.”

The waiter then turns to the man’s wife.

“Ma’am, what kind...

GMOs are one thing, but I was worried my sandwich meat had a genetic disease...

You know, cause it was in bread.

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My buddy told me Tofu and dildos are basically the same thing

They are both meat substitutes

If meat-eaters are Alpha, what are Vegetarians?

Alfalfa.

With the success of BK's Impossible Whopper, McDonald's decided they needed a non-meat option too.

So they brought back the McRib.

Yesterday, I told my dad a joke about meat.

He said: a steak pun is a rare medium, well done.

Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appear...

An Irish Whaler (Long)

There was once an Irish whaler. Like Ahab, he had a particular nemesis whom he had hunted most of his life. Old and gnarled, he declared one more quest to vanquish his foe before descending into his Mother Earth.

Unlike Ahab however, revenge was not his only motive. This particular whale a...

It’s ironic that Gordon Ramsay has so many kids….

Because he doesn’t serve raw meat

People keep telling me flying and eating meat is bad for the environment.

So I shot that stupid eagle.

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A pastor’s wife walks into a butcher shop

She sees the most perfect looking cut of meat in the display case and asks the butcher what kind of meat it is. “That’s Dam Ham,” he replies
“I bet your PARDON?!” the lady says, “I am a good Christian woman, and I would kindly ask you not to use that kind of language.” The butcher explains, “Oh n...

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Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine

Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It is a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me".

So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips....

A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you ...

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, murderer?!"

Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.

I used to be addicted to raw meat..

Don't worry, I'm cured now.

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Pierre, a French pilot of WW1 took leave in Paris and went out to sample the nightlife. He has a great night of song and wine and he meets a young lady, who he invites back to his apartment.

The excited pair walk back through the tree lined boulevards and on the way, Pierre drops in to a shop to purchase a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, a bottle of brandy and a box of matches.

When they reach the apartment they waste no time in stripping off and fall passionately ont...

A woman walks into a butcher shop...

"Excuse me," she says. "But I bought these sausages here yesterday and, well, the middle is fine, but both ends are made of sawdust."

The butcher shrugs. "Sometimes it's hard to make ends meat."

\----------------------

The very next day, the butcher is feeling overwhelmed. He a...

I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.

He said nah, I’m not really Inuit.

McDonald's made an announcement...

McDonald's made an announcement today that they will no longer be using styrofoam in any of their products, instead using paper or cardboard.

After a successful transition, their hope is to start using meat.

What's the difference between a meat lover's group and a vegetarian group?

The vegetarians just meatless

I hate how woman always look at me like i'm a piece of meat

and feel the need to roast me.

Why did Wonder Woman get the Coronavirus?

Cause she ate some bat meat.

What do you call the meat on your lower leg?

Bologna

I keep getting e-mails about meat products

I'm getting tired of the spam

How did the hamburger introduce his wife at the party?

“Meat Patty”

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Three cowboys are out on the range (long).

It's been a long day and all are hungry. The first cowboy rummages in his saddlebags and pulls out a strip of meat to munch on.

"Got any more of that?" asks the second

"Nope. But I can show you where to get some: the bacon-tree."

"The whut?"

"The bacon-tree. It's two hour...

Four men are standing on a street corner...

...one is from Russia, one from North Korea, one from Dubai, and one from New York.

A reporter comes upon them standing there and says, "Excuse me, what do you think about the meat shortage?"

The man from Russia says, "What's meat?"
The man from North Korea says, "What's think?"...

What do vegans and parallel lines have in common?

They never meat!

Two soldiers are lost in the desert, thirsty and starving.

Ahead they see a tree with strips of meat hanging from its branches.

"A bacon tree!" the first exclaims and he runs towards it only to be cut down by a sniper's bullet.

"That's no bacon tree," says the other. " That's a ham-bush!"

Welcome to the plastic surgery addicts meating

I see a lot of new faces today

I sat down to eat my turkey sandwich and my wife yells, "Enjoying your meat, you murderer?"

I only wish one day goes by without her mentioning the time I killed her mother

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A group of four lifelong hunters decided to end their careers in the best way possible.

They'd taken down the most dangerous game to be found, all over the world. From saltwater gators, to bull elephants. They were renowned worldwide for having bagged a giant squid some few years back, but they were getting on in age and knew that they'd be unable to keep up with the youngsters before ...

I recently heard that you can get salmonella from eating raw meats

Guess I gotta quit cold turkey

What’s the only type of meat that a Priest can eat on Friday?

Nun.

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