Vegans say whoever sells meat is disgusting, well

i say people who sell vegetables are grocer.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does tofu and a dildo have in common?

They’re both meat substitutes.

A hot dog vendor brings a homeless man to court for standing near the stand and enjoying the smell of the meat as he ate his bread. The judge is quite exasperated.

Judge: [to the homeless man] Do you deny this?

Homeless man: No, your honor.

Judge: Do you have any coins?

Homeless man: Just a few quarters, your Honor.

Judge: Give them here.

Homeless man: Your Honor, they're all I have!

Judge: That may be so, but pl...

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, murderer?!"

Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.

What is the cheapest kind of meat?

Deer balls. They’re under a buck.

Did you hear about the shop that just opened in India that sells fresh meat and cheese?

It's a new deli.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Glaswegian is standing in a bus queue eating a meat pie and chips, and this little yappy dog keeps jumping up at him and begging.

So he says to the lady that's got the dog, "Hey there, is it OK if I throw your dog a bit?"

And when she says "Yes," he picks the dog up by the scruff and yeets the fucker thirty yards up the street.

My doctor found out I had an addiction to white meat sandwiches.

He told me I had stop cold turkey.

What do you get when you cook a special type of meat south of the border, but then put off eating it until the next day?

Fillet mañana

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Russian farmer caught one of his cows masturbating. He slaughtered it and used the meat to invent a new dish.

He called it Beef Strokinoff.

What kind of meat does a priest eat on a Friday?


In my last relationship I hated being treated like I was a piece of meat.

She was vegan, and refused to touch me.

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder?

He got a little behind in his work.

what do you call 2 tins of bird meat?

a toucan

this really sucks i’m sorry

What's the difference between sandwich meat and people from Alabama?

Nothing, they're both inbred.

Whats the difference between meat and fish?

If you beat your fish it dies.

Were you guys at the Shakespearean meat party last night?

I hear it was Ham LIT

3 dinosaurs walk up to a shiny lamp

One of them rubs it, and a mystical blue genie flies out of it!

"Hello! I am genie! Since there are 3 of you, you each get 1 wish!

"I wish for a large piece of meat!" The first dinosaur said.

And so a large slab of meat materialized before his eyes and plopped down in front of h...

What’s Cardi B’s favorite cut of meat?


I went out for a nice, juicy, rare steak for lunch and my wife said "Enjoying your meat then, Murderer?"

I replied: "Can we not just have one lunch without you mentioning that time I shot your mother?"

Why does a donkey-meat lover make women wet?

Because he eats ass.

I went to shark tank to offer a mixed meat product

I offered 20% steak

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What’s the difference between a homosexual and my fridge?

My fridge doesn’t fart when I pull my meat out

One day two accountants, who were best friends, were walking together down the street. One was a Hindu and constantly berated the other for eating meat!

After stopping for a hot dog, the Hindu erupted "Why do you eat meat?, Do you even know what's in that hot dog? You know, you are what you eat!"

The American replied "I am what I eat, an uncontrollable vicious animal (beating his chest)"

As they stepped off the curb a speeding car ca...

My sister is openly vegan

But she says that she loves her boyfriend's meat

Struggling German meatpacker conciels rancid meat in its sausage blend.

Went from bad to wurst.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Eggs, blowjob, wife, and meat. Which one doesn’t belong?

Well you can beat you eggs, you can beat your wife, and you can beat your meat... but you can’t beat a blowjob!

My father always told me lick the knife to get the last little bit of meat juices.

Brilliant dad, terrible surgeon.

I decided to go vegan after visiting the meat production factory.

The livestock conditions were appalling.
The process involving production of Meatballs and Salami was bad.
But wait till you see the one of German sausage. It was the wurst.

Edit : Sweden has already decided to bring in regulations. I'd say they are ahead of the korv.

I just found out that I’m allergic to red meat...

“I just found out that I’m allergic to red meat. No more steaks for me.”

———“I’ve never heard of that. Is that a rare allergy.”

“No, I can’t even have it well done!”

I hate jokes about canned meat

They’re mostly spam

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Given the terms: drum, meat, egg, blowjob which one doesn't fit?

Blowjob. You can beat a drum, beat an egg, beat your meat, but you can't beat a blowjob.

If you get a message from me about tinned meat, don’t open it...

It’s spam

Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appear...

What's a rappers favorite cut of meat?

A skrt steak

I'm sick of my wife treating me like a piece of meat

She's a vegetarian.

A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you ...

What sound does meat make when it sneezes?

Au jus!

I'm addicted to deli meats

The worst part is my therapist keeps recommending cold turkey

As a vegan eating with the German side of my family at Christmas can be tough. I'm too scared to tell them I am vegan so I explained that I had a crippling phobia of meat.

I feared the wurst.

What did the butcher say to the customer who wanted meat that was waaaay up on the top shelf?

Sorry but the steaks are too high.

Even the best farmers or engineers failed to develop a brand of cannabis-fed beef meat

The steaks were too high

A Muslims favourite meat ...

is lamb.

According to vegans, eating meat is a misteak

Especially in a PETA

What does Orca meat taste like?


How do you make a vegan go back to eating meat?

Remove their vocal cords and ban them from social media.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Word spread quickly that a meat shipment was inbound from Moscow, in the Russian Soviet Federated Socialist Republic.

Sure enough, in the early hours of Monday morning the line outside State Food Store no. 46 was already over two hundred people long, many whispering excitedly about poultry and sausages, despite the dark, bitterly cold morning. After hours of waiting, and still before sunrise, the Commissar came out...

What do you get when you throw ungrateful kids in to a meat grinder?


What did Jefferey Dahmer's mom say when he passed the meat at Xmas dinner?

Jeff, you know I don't like your friends.

This boy and girl went to a party dressed as calf meat.

I felt like a bit of a third veal.

I don't really cook meat that often

But when I do, it's usually very rare

I hit Chewbacca with my car, and killed him. I feel bad, but I didn't want the meat to go to waste, so I cooked it.

It was chewy.

What do you call a blue eyed, blonde haired person who doesn't eat meat?

A vegetaryan

After hauling a deer on the back of my car, I was disappointed to find the meat had gone bad.

Guess thats what I get for putting it on the spoiler

A journalist asks a Russian, a Pole and an Israeli the same question: Excuse me, what's your opinion on the meat shortage?

The Russian replies: What's an opinion?

The Pole replies: What's meat?

The Israeli replies: What's excuse me?

FFS my Reddit has been hacked. Please ignore any messages you may get from me about tinned meat...

It’s spam

Whats a difference between my meat and my game controller?

I stop ragefully beating my meat in november.

What kind of meat do you get from a Mexican pig?


Mich grabbed his Meat. Sam grabbed her buns...

The made little sam'miches together. <3

What’s the difference between new and old hamburger meat?

One is ground beef and the other is browned grief.

Tried Wookiee meat the other day

it was Chewie.

Last night, I was beating my meat for 9 hours straight.

Cooking is so hard.

How do you get a pound of meat out of a fly?

Unzip it

You ever tried Wookie meat?

Its chewy.

How do I introduce my friend Harold, the Mediterranean meat magician?

Gyro wizard, Harry!

Why did Stephen Hawking only eat meat?

Because eating vegetables would be cannibalism.

How does a butcher introduce his wife?

Meat patty.

Matthew McConaughey, what kind of meat do you want off the turkey?

All white, all white, all white!

I told my friend people keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them...

He asked, “By mistake?”

I said, “Oh come on!! Not you as well?!”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I know a woman who gave up on meat.

She only dates other women now.

We call her a Vagitarian.

I don't get this new hype around synthetic meats.

I mean, why are we re-inventing the veal?

Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?

I'm pretty sure he has Asp burgers.

Why do Vegans always go back to eating meat?

Because they finally see their missed-steak.

A Butcher is Selling Meat and Has One Chicken Left

A butcher is selling meat at his shop and is down to his last chicken.

A woman comes into the store and approaches the butcher. She asks the butcher for a chicken.

The butcher goes into the freezer and pulls out his only remaining chicken. He returns and puts it on the counter.


Why are raw meats expensive?

Because they’re so rare.