UPJOKE
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A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit
and vegetables are grocer.

What do you call a badly cooked piece of meat?

A misteak

What is Jimmy McGill's favorite cut of meat?

Chuck roast.

I was enjoying a beautiful steak for dinner with a girl i recently met as she suddenly said "Enjoying your meat? MURDERER!??"

Like can she not bring up the fact that i shot her parents for one meal?

My account got hacked. If you get a DM about meat from me, don't click on it.

It's spam

What is the cheapest kind of meat?

Deer balls; it’s under a buck!

Many years ago I knew a man who's love for God was matched only by his love of dipping meat into melted cheese.

That's right, he was a Christian fonduementalist.

If beating your meat can help you get Post-nut Clarity, maybe it is better do it twice for really important decisions to have

Two-Fapper Authentication

If meat is murder…

is cake battery?

If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat, don't open it....

It's spam

What’s the only meat a priest can eat on fridays?

Nun

The Sinful Meat

Bacon proves God has a sense of humour.

He invents the greatest meat in the world, then bans His chosen people from eating it.

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Just a friendly reminder to show respect to Ramadan

Yes, yes. I know we all like to have a good laugh about certain things. But Ramadan is a very important and sacred time for Muslims. And as a non-Muslim, I have since learned that we need treat it with some respect.

See, my next door neighbour is a Muslim. Ever since the start of Ramadan, I h...

Those who have an obsession with meat and anagrams are tough to please.

They're really hard to assuage.

How does a dinosaur like it's meat?

Rawr.

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I overheard my neighbor say she had a shitty day, so I anonymously sent her a meat lover’s pizza

She’s a vegan and I hate her fucking guts

When the government criminalized canned meat...

People were reported for spam

What’s the difference between meat and fish?

If you beat your fish it will die.

Please, no jokes about the passing of singer and 'Rocky Horror' actor Meat Loaf.

For a great many people that's a rather tender subject.

I tried whale meat.

But I'm just not that Inuit.

Out of Respect for Meat Loaf Passing I Went to the Record Shoppe

They had Bat out of Hell and Bat Out of Hell Volume 2 but I couldn't find Volume 3. I asked them about it.

They told me "Two out of three ain't bad."

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford "The materials we put into our stomach should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But... There is one thing that is the more dangerous to all us...

What's an absentee father's favorite meat?

Bison.

Have you heard they opened one of those Brazilian meat restaurants at the top of the Burj Khalifa

You got to be careful though because the steaks are really high

horse meat

A guy walks into a bar in England and orders a beer. "Do you serve any of that lasagna that they found the horse meat in?" the guy asks. "Not that I know of," the bartender replies. "But you can always try our filly cheese steak."

If you didn't hear already, Meat Loaf died

Henceforth referred to as Ground Beef

What do you call meat that is cooked more than 'well done'

Congratulations.


Not mine.. I saw it in some image posted a few weeks ago

How does a redneck tenderize meat?

He puts his pickup truck in reverse.

I hear Grasshopper meat is a great source of protein; sustainable, and you can eat them cold!

Locusts, on the other hand, have to be swarmed up first.

There was this guy who found an ancient book. In that book he read that dolphins live forever if you feed them the meat of an eagle.

Some time later he came across a very sick eagle and thought: It's gonna die soon anyway, might as well take it to the dolphins at the local zoo to see if what's in the book is actually true. At night he climbed over a wall to get into the zoo – and found himself right in the lion enclosure! He mana...

Why don’t vampires just eat juicy meats full of blood?

Too much cholesterol can get them a steak through the heart.

(Credit to u/down_vote_magnet for the punchline of this joke)

In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75…

…a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15.

In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95.

In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but ...

what do a vibrator and tofu have in common?

They are both meat substitutes

An owner of a small meat shop decides that his son is old enough and it's time to teach him business...

Father: Okay, son, you see this machine? You put a pig in here and three sausages come out there. You got it?
Son: No, pa, I don't get it.

Father: Okay, once again, you put a pig in here and get three sausages there, got it?
Son: No, still don't get it.

Father: Ohhh, one last...

What’s a turkey’s favorite lunch meat?

Gobblegool

Why did the boardroom executives have slabs of meat in their hands?

They were all stakeholders.

Was tryin to think of a punny meat-eater joke.

But carnivore think of one. r_r

Cooking steak...

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for t...

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD t...

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up in front of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antelope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood in front of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

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Two Rednecks are eating in a fancy restaurant....

Suddenly, the woman sitting at the next table starts choking and gasping for air. Everyone else around just sits there watching, but one of the Rednecks JUMPS up, grabs the woman and yanks her out of the chair. He then pulls her dress up over her head, yanks her panties down and runs his tongue up t...

What do lactose intolerant people call a collection of meat and cheese?

A shart tootery board

I think should wait until tomorrow on Meat Loaf's condition.

Meat Loaf is always better the next day.

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A man wants to buy some meat at his local Deli

A man walks in to Simpsons Deli and asks the butcher, "Do you have any deals going on right now?"

The butcher replies, "Sure we do! You can get 20 Chicken Breasts for $40, a full cow for $500, or half the meat for $499!"

The man scratches head in confusion and gets angry at the butcher...

What happened to the butcher who backed into the meat grinder?

He got a little behind in his work.

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Don’t eat it!

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the children what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, “**Well, it’s what Mommy calls me sometimes**. ”The little girl screamed to her brother, “**Don’...

A man walks into a shop in Soviet Russia.

He asks the clerk, "You don't have any meat?"

The clerk replies, "No, here we don't have any fish. The shop that doesn't have any meat is across the street."

Your mama so ugly

Your mama so ugly she can scare Cujoh off a meat truck

A robber was preparing to break into a butcher's to steal meat.

He decided not to in the end, as the stakes were too high.

A dog gets left in a forest by its owners. A tiger spots it, and thinks to itself: "What is that? It looks delicious." The dog catches wind of it though, and in a bit of quick thinking, it stands in front of a pile of bones, and shouts: "Mmmm, tiger meat is the best! I gotta hunt for more!"

The tiger kills and eats the dog, because it doesn't know dog language.

I’m known as The Sandwich

Because I like meat in between my buns

Last night I watched a movie called "Fresh Meat".

I don't want to spoil it for you.

I told the manager at the Chinese restaurant that my meat was rubbery.

He thanked me.

A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.

The guy asks "what's this about?". the bartender replies, "well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You want to have a go?" The guy replies, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."

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Vegans don't beat their meat

They jerk their vegetable.

If a vegan accidentally eats meat...

Do they break out in chives?

Everyone knows that venison is deer meat

Few know of Vanison, which is what happens when your deer is hit by a van...

and still fewer know about Vennison which shares qualities with both.

I bought minced meat but forgot to pay the butcher

He now has a beef with me

How do you cook alligator meat?

In a croc pot!

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As her husband was leaving for work, his wife asks for $100 to buy meat.

The husband takes her to a mirror, pulls out a $100 bill and says, "See that $100 bill in the mirror? That one belongs to you. This one here? This one belongs to me" He puts the money in his pocket and goes to work.

When he gets home from work and opens the fridge, he sees it's packed with m...

Sentient meat

2 Aliens meeting on their starship after a scan of the solar system:

Are there any lifeforms in that solar system

Well it's difficult to really explain

What do you mean

They're made out of meat.

Meat?

Meat. They're made out of meat.

Meat?

There...

A bear dad and a bear mum are getting worried as they found their cub doesn't like meat...

So, the dad showed him how to catch salmons from a river, roared, and bite them with his sharp teeth.

Showing no interest at all, the cub turned to his mum.

The mum then showed him how to chase a rabbit, grabbed the rabbit on its neck, and bite on it.

The cub seems e...

"Meatloaf" is the best safe word.

Because I would do anything for love, but I won't do THAT!!!

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A woman was reading Cosmo next to her husband…

“Walter,” she said.

Walter grunted; she continued “Let me read you this hot sex tip I just read in Cosmo. I think we should try it.”

“Girls, you know your boy toy has fun with you in the bedroom, and that he’s never going to complain. But even the hunkiest hunk can get tired of the...

A tyrannosaurus is conversing with his friend brontosaurus. The tyrannosaurus asks, "So what would you do if your wife caught you eating meat?" The brontosaurus pondered and pondered at the unusual question. "I don't know...", he said,

"That's never happened to herbivore."

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Why don't vegans moan during sex?

They don't want anyone to know they are satisfied with a piece of meat.

Why do Jewish guys get circumcized?

Because Jewish girls aren't allowed to eat cheese with their meat.

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One day, a man comes home from work and greets his wife...

One day, a man comes home from work and greets his wife. Upon seeing him, she asks for $20 to buy meat for dinner.

He leads her to a mirror, holds up the $20 bill and says to her, "Honey, the $20 in the mirror is yours. The other belongs to me."

Satisfied with his "ingenious" remark, h...

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Noodle and Meat Bun were best friends.

But one day they got into a disagreement and had a fight. Noodle isnt very strong but he managed to beat up Meat Bun.

Meat Bun wasnt going to take this insult without revenge, so he went off to get some brothers, Pan Fried Bun, and Steamed Pork Bun. Together, the angry mob roamed the streets ...

A vegan said to me, "people who sell meat are gross!"

I said, "people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."






credits to Adele Cliff, from the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. Link in the comments

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A Pastor's wife goes to the grocery store and is in the meat section.

She sees some meat she's never seen before and asks what it is called. "Damn ham" replies the butcher. The wife replies "Excuse me I don't appreciate that type of language." The butcher apologizes and says he didn't name it. She buys some. She takes her groceries home and begins to cook dinner....

When two meat-eaters fight, it’s called beef.

When two vegans fight, it’s called a tofeud.

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Soviet Meat Queue

A mixed group of Soviet Citizens are in line outside a butchers in Vitebsk, 1950.

The butcher comes out, and says:

> Comrades, due to problems with the supply structure, there is limited meat today. All Jews must leave the line.

The Jews leave the line.

Time passes....

A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you ...

On my cake day, I went to the Doctor and was told that my love of deli meats was going to kill me.

I had to quit cold turkey.

Why did the plant-based chicken cross the road?

Idk, it’s beyond meat.

Nice canned meat you got there

Too bad it isn't allowed here, rule 3.

What is the most violent meat?

Proshooto

I ordered a bit of meat from the chef.

The waiter said they don’t serve cannibals.

Eating dogs is frowned upon….

…not just for medical and ethical reasons, but because the meat is also a little ruff.

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Since vegans can't beat their meat what do they call masturbating?

Stem cell research.

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I got fired after getting caught putting my penis in the meat slicer...

Sadly she got fired too!

Made up on the spot, and told to me by my 13yo son just now: What's a dog's favorite type of meat?

Wag-yu.

I had this new kind of meat the other day. It was Himalayan rabbit.

The only issue is, I found Himalayan on the road.

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If you eat pussy, are you a meat eater?

Nope, still a vagetarian!

Two nuns and a dog!

Two nuns walk into a diner to try hotdogs for the first time ever. The first nun opens up her bread, see what’s inside and throws the meat away! She looks at the second nun and asks ‘What part of the dog did you get?’


*Im sure this is an old Readers Digest joke

I just ate out my girl with a side of meat and cheese

I call it CharCooterie

Gustavo was a mad scientist

Gustavo, called “Gus” by his friends and nemeses, was a mad scientist with very peculiar tastes. In particular, he was fond of the flavor of human flesh.

However, he was an ethical mad scientist, so he got his meat via cloning willing subjects.

Over time the number of subjects went dow...

If we weren’t meant to eat meat

why are cows made out of food?

She handed me a jar and said, "This herb goes well with pork, beef, duck and chicken recipes, and fatty meats in particular."

I looked at the label and thought, "That is some sage advice."

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I know what Ancient Meats and Vegetables tastes like.

*spits gasoline out*
Fucking bad.

AITA for mixing up orders and serving a vegan customer a meat sandwich?

Oops wrong sub

I don't eat meat for religious reasons

I eat it becouse i like the taste

Why dont Vegetarians ever get to eat any pudding?

If they dont eat their meat, they cant have their pudding.

A new supermarket opened near my house.

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing, and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay....

Whenever I purchase wild meat I always make sure I pack it in the back of my car.

I like to be ahead of the game.

Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appear...

Why was Louie Anderson clutching a fork when he died?

He heard they have Meat Loaf in heaven.

I just dented my meat...

Opened the freezer door too fast and the hotdogs flew out onto the floor.

What is the best kind of meat to put on your shins?

Bologna

101 ways to stop eating meat...

Number 34: Cold Turkey

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NSFW: On a dare, I stuck my dick in the meat grinder at work and and then I got fired...

...And she got fired too

My uncle got addicted to deli meat

But I heard he quit cold turkey.

What does the kale farmer say to the meat farmer?

Hi.

(Original joke from my 10-year-old son).

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The Genie, the Waterfall and Their Last Wish

An Englishman, an American and a Japanese are doing white water rafting, when all of a sudden they spot a huge drop to a waterfall they never knew was there. They are moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is the spiri...

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, murderer?!"

Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.

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An exotically dressed prostitute is perusing the meat section of the supermarket, looking perplexed.

The butcher walks over to her and asks, “Can I help you find something?”

The prostitute explains that she while she was selecting some chicken to grill, she realized she wasn’t sure if the meat was from a hen or rooster.

Surprised, the butcher replies, “You know, I’d never considered...

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