A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting

I said well yea, but people that sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

My girlfriend gave me a steamed ball of dough filled with meat and veggies.

I think she's dumpling me.

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Whats the cheapest type of meat you can buy?

Deer testicles, they're just under a Buck!

I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.

I’m hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.

Vegans don't beat their meat

They beat their "0% dairy all organic tofu"

My best friend told me he’s been dating a girl for a couple of months and she doesn’t eat any meat whatsoever!

I can’t believe I hadn’t heard of herbivore.

People keep telling me flying and eating meat is bad for the environment.

So I shot that stupid eagle.

What’s the difference between meat and fish?

If you beat your fish it dies

If meat-eaters are Alpha, what are Vegetarians?

Alfalfa.

GMOs are one thing, but I was worried my sandwich meat had a genetic disease...

You know, cause it was in bread.

With the success of BK's Impossible Whopper, McDonald's decided they needed a non-meat option too.

So they brought back the McRib.

If pigs get easily killed for their meat...

think of the dinosaurs, they were even meatier.

Everytime i go out for a meal with my wife she's always like 'enjoying your meat... MURDERER!'

Like geez... Why can't she just forget the time i shot her mom

Yesterday, I told my dad a joke about meat.

He said: a steak pun is a rare medium, well done.

I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.

He said nah, I’m not really Inuit.

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What do tofu and dildos have in common?

They’re both meat substitutes

What's the difference between a meat lover's group and a vegetarian group?

The vegetarians just meatless

I Always Eat Double the meat than the Usual

to ensure that the one vegan out there who thinks is making a difference isn't making one at all!

A man walks into a bar to see a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling

The man questions the bartender about the meat, and he says if you can jump and slap a piece of meat, then you get a free drink, but if you miss, you have to buy drinks for the entire bar.

The man says “no thanks, the steaks are too high”

I hate it that my wife treats me like a piece of meat....

She’s Vegan and refuses touch me!

What's a frogs favorite type of meat?

Riblet.

I hate how woman always look at me like i'm a piece of meat

and feel the need to roast me.

Did ya hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder?

He got a little behind in his work

As a Pink Floyd fan, nothing makes me angrier than seeing a vegan eating pudding.

Because how can you have any pudding if you don't eat yer meat?

I recently heard that you can get salmonella from eating raw meats

Guess I gotta quit cold turkey

I used to be addicted to raw meat..

Don't worry, I'm cured now.

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I wanted to get my meat beaten from a cute cop

So i painted it black.

That didn't go too well, I'm in the hospital now with 3 bullet holes in my dick

I sat down to eat my turkey sandwich and my wife yells, "Enjoying your meat, you murderer?"

I only wish one day goes by without her mentioning the time I killed her mother

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A teacher gave her class

of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market ...

In Soviet Russia a man walks into a shop. He asks the clerk, “You don’t have any meat?”

The clerk says, “No, here we don’t have any fish. The shop that doesn’t have any meat is across the street.”

I ate Wookie Meat the other day,

It was Chewy.

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, murderer?!"

Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.

Welcome to the plastic surgery addicts meating

I see a lot of new faces today

What do you call the meat on your lower leg?

Bologna

I was in the downtown last night thinking about having a dinner and went to a nearby restaurant. I asked the waiter, "I don't eat eggs, meat, fish, dairy or gluten. What would you recommend?"

He said a taxi.

They say red meat will kill you

I'm pretty sure green meat will kill you a lot faster.

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A man walks into a bar

As he sits down, he looks up and notices three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender “what’s with the meat?”

The bartender says, “If you can jump up and slap all three pieces at once, you get free drinks for an hour. If you miss even one, you have to pay for everyone ...

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Why don’t vegetarians moan during sex?

They don’t want to admit that a piece a meat makes them happy

‘Whaling is the hunting of whales for their usable products such as meat and blubber.’

\[ CETACEAN NEEDED \]

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

I work in a meat market

Every day is a sausage party.

A 1960s Soviet Couple is Looking to Buy Some Meat

An old married couple in Moscow wanted to celebrate their anniversary, and the wife sends her husband to the store to find meat. They are skeptical the store will have fresh meat, but it could be their last anniversary.

The old man waits in line for an hour. When he finally gets to the count...

There's a group of white supremacists who don't eat meat

The Vegetaryan Brotherhood

I hit a deer with my truck on the way home

And I really don't like it when meat goes to waste, so I guess it's a good thing I got it on the grille right away.

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You have piece of meat, a carpet, an egg and a blowjob. Which one doesn't belong?

A Blowjob.

You can beat a carpet, you can beat an egg, you can beat your meat, but you can't beat a blowjob

A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you ...

Meat

Guy in a pub sees two lumps of meat nailed to the ceiling. “What’s that about?” he asks the barman.
“Pub tradition. Jump and touch the meat, you get a free beer.”
The guy thinks a moment, then shakes his head. “I’m not taking that bet. The steaks are too high.”

A man walks into a Subway...

Every Friday, the man goes to Subway to purchase the "sub of the week", each comprised of several ingredients never before heard of.

However, he walks in the Subway and quickly finds that the sub, oddly named Arjoques, is completely identical to a sandwich he had purchased at Jimmy John's onl...

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So it's a chilly morning in Brno, and everybody 's in line to buy meat.

They're waiting and waiting, and the line's not moving at all.

Eventually a Party official comes out and says "Due to the conspiracy of wreckers, there isn't enough meat. All the Jews need to get off the line".

So the Jews all get off the line and go home, but still everyone's waiting ...

No dog meat please

Daddy, daddy, can we have a dog for Christmas? No, I think we'll have turkey as usual.

Why doesn’t Trump like Turkey?

Too much dark meat.

Did you hear cheese and meat sales have gone up in India?

Apparently there is a New Delhi.

What do you call jam made from deer meat?

Wildlife Preserve

My doctor found out I had an addiction to white meat sandwiches.

He told me I had stop cold turkey.

So I went in the butchers and he said " I bet you can't reach those two pieces of meat up on that high shelf" I answered "I don't bet" "Why" he asked...

"The stakes are too high"

I used to tenderuse young goats meat

But everyone got upset when i told them i beat kids meat

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A Glaswegian is standing in a bus queue eating a meat pie and chips, and this little yappy dog keeps jumping up at him and begging.

So he says to the lady that's got the dog, "Hey there, is it OK if I throw your dog a bit?"

And when she says "Yes," he picks the dog up by the scruff and yeets the fucker thirty yards up the street.

Flavored lube is technically meat seasoning if you think about it

Wouldn’t use it on the grill, though

A hot dog vendor brings a homeless man to court for standing near the stand and enjoying the smell of the meat as he ate his bread. The judge is quite exasperated.

Judge: [to the homeless man] Do you deny this?

Homeless man: No, your honor.

Judge: Do you have any coins?

Homeless man: Just a few quarters, your Honor.

Judge: Give them here.

Homeless man: Your Honor, they're all I have!

Judge: That may be so, but pl...

I was on a plane, sat next to a man, who had a large rucksack full of rotting animal meat.

He said it was his carrion luggage

Why do vegans only communicate with each other online?

Because they never meat

One day two accountants, who were best friends, were walking together down the street. One was a Hindu and constantly berated the other for eating meat!

After stopping for a hot dog, the Hindu erupted "Why do you eat meat?, Do you even know what's in that hot dog? You know, you are what you eat!"

The American replied "I am what I eat, an uncontrollable vicious animal (beating his chest)"

As they stepped off the curb a speeding car ca...

An idiot moves to a very religious catholic neighborhood.

This particular idiot loved to eat chicken, so he grilled it every day. Now, on Fridays, the people of his neighborhood would get irritated that someone was eating meat when they had to abstain, so they took it up with their pastor. Their pastor then went to the idiot, and told him about the message...

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What to vegans and virgins have in common?

They're both staying off the meat

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cow Jokes

What do u call a cow with 4 legs? A cow

What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Tri-tip

What do u call a cow with 2 legs? Lean Meat

What do you call a cow with 1 leg? Steak

What do u call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef

Where do you find a cow with no legs?
R...

Someone actually fed me clown meat.

So that's why it tasted real funny.

I’ve decided to put an end to my addiction to deli meats.

I’m quitting cold turkey.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, I've been dating this one girl for a while now, and I've recently realized that she's been looking at me like a piece of meat.

This would be ok if it was sexual, but she's vegan.

What do priests and McDonald’s have in common?

They bother stick their meat in 10 year old buns

What's the difference between sandwich meat and people from Alabama?

Nothing, they're both inbred.

What kind of meat does a pope eat?

Nun

A guy walks into a bar and sees a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling about ten or eleven feet in the air

So he goes up to the bartender and asks, “Why do you have all this meat hanging up everywhere?”

The bartender replies, “Well, we actually have a bit of a game we like to play here, a sort of challenge.”

The man, obviously intrigued, asks the bartender what the game is. So the bartender...

Today I learned vegetarians can't eat pudding.

How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?

Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appear...

What do you get when you cook a special type of meat south of the border, but then put off eating it until the next day?

Fillet mañana

A guy walks into a bar.

He notices there are multiple assortments of meat hanging from the ceiling. The cashier, after seeing him confused, told him it was a competition and told him the rules.

“If you can hop up and slap one of those cuts, you get free drinks till tomorrow. If you miss, you pay for everybody’s drin...

I was invited to a potluck and invited to bring my favorite casserole...

My family, being from Minnesota, has an affinity towards a particular brand of potted meat -- so I bring a casserole with this as the main ingredient.

When I get to the potluck, I am instructed to place my casserole in the bottom right corner of the table. As other guests arrive my casserole...

The impossible Whopper isn't really anything new

Burger King never used real meat

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does a donkey-meat lover make women wet?

Because he eats ass.

I decided to go vegan after visiting the meat production factory.

The livestock conditions were appalling.
The process involving production of Meatballs and Salami was bad.
But wait till you see the one of German sausage. It was the wurst.

Edit : Sweden has already decided to bring in regulations. I'd say they are ahead of the korv.

The UK C.E.O of McDonald's has been fired

Putting his meat between the wrong buns apparently

I hate jokes about canned meat

They’re mostly spam

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Pierre, the fighter pilot.

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What ar...

I work at a fast food chain

I couldn't understand why there were slapping sounds everywhere. Only did I know they were beating their meat to Hen Thigh.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian farmer caught one of his cows masturbating. He slaughtered it and used the meat to invent a new dish.

He called it Beef Strokinoff.

Struggling German meatpacker conciels rancid meat in its sausage blend.

Went from bad to wurst.

I don't think my cannibal friend likes me...

I asked him for some baked thigh meat, but he just gave me the cold shoulder

If you get a message from me about tinned meat, don’t open it...

It’s spam

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