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I overheard my neighbor say she had a shitty day, so I anonymously sent her a meat lover’s pizza

She’s a vegan and I hate her fucking guts

How do you cook alligator meat?

In a croc pot!

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Vegans don't beat their meat

They jerk their vegetable.

I bought minced meat but forgot to pay the butcher

He now has a beef with me

Made up on the spot, and told to me by my 13yo son just now: What's a dog's favorite type of meat?

Wag-yu.

A butcher is at work, chopping up some meat when he hears the door open.

He walks to the door and sees a golden retriever with a note in its mouth. The butcher, amused, grabs the note and reads it. The note says, "I'll take a dozen sausage links. Keep the change." The butcher scoffs and is about to throw the note away until he takes another look at the dog, who is now ho...

When two meat-eaters fight, it’s called beef.

When two vegans fight, it’s called a tofeud.

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I know what Ancient Meats and Vegetables tastes like.

*spits gasoline out*
Fucking bad.

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What do you call angry meat?

Pissedtrami

I just ate out my girl with a side of meat and cheese

I call it CharCooterie

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I got fired after getting caught putting my penis in the meat slicer...

Sadly she got fired too!

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If you eat pussy, are you a meat eater?

Nope, still a vagetarian!

I don't eat meat for religious reasons

I eat it becouse i like the taste

If you think Lab Grown Meat sounds bad, ...

You should try Pit-bull Grown Meat.

(Mine had sticks and cat-litter in it.)

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My favourite joke to perform. Terrible accent recommended.

Pierre, zee French fighter pilot is with his amour.

"Oh, Pierre, I want you to kiss me", she exclaims.

And so he tilts her chin up and leans in, but just before he plants a kiss on her lips, he pours a little red wine on them, and then goes in for the kiss.

"Oh, Pierre, mon di...

Whenever I purchase wild meat I always make sure I pack it in the back of my car.

I like to be ahead of the game.

People who sell meat are gross.

But people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.

I just dented my meat...

Opened the freezer door too fast and the hotdogs flew out onto the floor.

101 ways to stop eating meat...

Number 34: Cold Turkey

What happened when the skinny butcher backed up into his meat grinder?

He got a little behind in his work.

The only joke I know.

How does a cow introduce his wife...?

He says, "meat patty".

I am very sorry.

Edit: it makes sense that my only popular post is a dad joke. I've never received any awards before so thank you everyone, this is insane.

Also, I understand everyone is upset about the cow vs b...

I had this new kind of meat the other day. It was Himalayan rabbit.

The only issue is, I found Himalayan on the road.

What do you call a horse meat sandwich in Kentucky?

Last placed.

Why does Meghan Trainor like to pour the meat juices over her roast during cooking?

She’s all about that baste.

What is the best day to eat Camel meat?

Wednesday

Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appear...

The butcher had over 20 types of cured cylindrical meat for sale.

I never sausage a selection.

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As her husband was leaving for work, his wife asks for $100 to buy meat.

The husband takes her to a mirror, pulls out a $100 bill and says, "See that $100 bill in the mirror? That one belongs to you. This one here? This one belongs to me" He puts the money in his pocket and goes to work.

When he gets home from work and opens the fridge, he sees it's packed with m...

The other day I invested in a meat company.

I bought a 20 percent steak.

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

What does the kale farmer say to the meat farmer?

Hi.

(Original joke from my 10-year-old son).

If we weren’t meant to eat meat

why are cows made out of food?

2 Men make a bet to see who can throw the most meat.

The steaks were high.

What is the best kind of meat to put on your shins?

Bologna

[Historical] What do the Persians, young boys and spiced lamb meat have in common?

Getting speared by the Ancient Greeks

Nice canned meat you got there

Too bad it isn't allowed here, rule 3.

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What kind of pet shop is this?

Joe loved his dog. Only one problem - his dog wasn’t housebroken. Joe tried everything, read every dog training book, bought every device on the market. But the dog was untrainable. Finally, he saw an ad for a pet shop that guaranteed results. Desperate, he gave it a try.

The pet shop was ve...

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD t...

Liam Neeson is retiring and going into the burger business. He first chooses his cuts of meat, then he says...

I will grind you and I will grill you.

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NSFW: On a dare, I stuck my dick in the meat grinder at work and and then I got fired...

...And she got fired too

She handed me a jar and said, "This herb goes well with pork, beef, duck and chicken recipes, and fatty meats in particular."

I looked at the label and thought, "That is some sage advice."

A vegan told me people who sold meat were disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit and veg are grocer.

A man was enjoying his burger when someone broke the news to him that it was made out of 'Horse Meat'. Suddenly he went into a fit and started choking. Two hours upon rushing him to the hospital........

.......His condition is now known to be 'Stable'

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Since vegans can't beat their meat what do they call masturbating?

Stem cell research.

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As a kid I always insisted on having olive oil on my pasta instead of meat sauce.

Maybe that is why I am a virgin.

A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.

The guy asks "what's this about?". the bartender replies, "well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You want to have a go?" The guy replies, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."

My uncle got addicted to deli meat

But I heard he quit cold turkey.

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Why don't vegetarians moan during sex?

Because they don't want to admit that a piece of meat makes them happy.

If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat, don't open it ...

It's Spam.

We were stranded at sea with dwindling supplies of dried food and canned meat. Some of the guys started to catch birds and eat them or barter them for other food,...

...so I took a tern for the wurst.

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What does tofu and a dildo have in common?

They are both meat substitutes!

What’s the cheapest meat out there?

A deers balls, because it’s under a buck.

was at a restaurant the other day and overheard this conversation. Customer: "I don't eat honey, eggs, cheese, dairy or any meat products. What can I get?"

Waiter: "You can get the hell out of here"

A man walks into a crowded bar on a Friday night, and there’s a big commotion going on

Curious, he walks into the crowd and tries to find what is so exciting. Looking up, he sees several pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. Even more curious now, but also rather thirsty, he works his way to the bar tender. The man asks the bartender, “Why are there pieces of meat hanging from the ...

I am like the meat tenderizer in my kitchen

My family is vegetarian

We tried that new fusion restaurant that only serves intestines and organ meat.

It was offal.

A man walks into a crowded bar, and notices 3 slabs of meat hanging behind the bar

He asks the bartender what they’re there for, and the bartender tells the man that the bar currently has a challenge going on. “If you can jump up, and hit all 3 slabs of meat before your feet hit the ground, you drink free for a month. But, if you don’t, you need to cover the cost of everyone’s dri...

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What's the difference between hungry and horny?

Where you put the cucumber.

(EDIT: my gf came back to me with "the type of meat you're putting in your mouth" which is way better.)

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past.

It was a bit choppy.

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What’s the difference between a fridge and anal sex?

The fridge doesn’t fart when you take the meat out.

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Pissed Off

A small, balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight."

The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit worse for the wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink an...

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My grandmother loved to cook meat so my parents bought her a boning knife for her birthday.

Everybody laughed when she unwrapped the package, held up the knife, and said sweetly, “I’ve got a six-inch boner!”

I only eat vegan meat.

I've got two in my freezer right now.

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An exotically dressed prostitute is perusing the meat section of the supermarket, looking perplexed.

The butcher walks over to her and asks, “Can I help you find something?”

The prostitute explains that she while she was selecting some chicken to grill, she realized she wasn’t sure if the meat was from a hen or rooster.

Surprised, the butcher replies, “You know, I’d never considered...

You are what you eat

So if the cat ate chicken then my cat meat kebab is a normal chicken kebab

Dracula

Dracula is walking down the street one fine evening when a speeding lorry carrying mini sausage rolls, sandwiches, a variety of salads, dressed salmon, quiches and cold meats loses control, overturns and spills all that food. All this wreckage hits Dracula and with his dying breath he curses buffet ...

I would never try to get meat off the top shelf without a ladder.

The steaks are too high

I fell in love with a dyslexic vegetarian

It's going great but she refuses to meat me

If meat is murder...

...then is cake battery?

A man had a problem, he couldn't stop heating meat

Whenever he saw cold meat, he sought out the nearest oven or microwave and heated it.

His wife took him to multiple doctors, who sad there was nothing wrong with him.

Eventually they go to a psychologist, who recommends they remove all the cold meat and heating appliances from the hous...

When you're a Teacher..

Teacher: Kids, what does the chicken give you?

Students: Meat!

Teacher: Very good! Now, what does the pig give you?

Students: Bacon!

Teacher: Great! And what does the fat cow give you?

Students: Homework!

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One day a bear has announced in the woods that every animal has to bring him meat tomorrow

And if any don't bring it he'll whip their back with his dick.


So the next day every animal in the woods lines up in front of bear's cave and leaves him a piece of meat, but the rabbit as he is weak and can't hunt he left him a carrot.


The bear angrily grabbed the little ...

ME: Is it "mince meat" or "minced meat"?

**NEIGHBOUR:** What? Did you find my cat or not?

**ME:** I'm getting to that

AITA for mixing up orders and serving a vegan customer a meat sandwich?

Oops wrong sub

A man went into a cafe and asked for a meat pie.

"Shall I cut it for you?" said the waiter."Yes, please," said the man."How many pieces?" asked the waiter, "Four or six?""Better make it four. I don't think I can eat six!

I’ve been giving my cows weed to make their meat taste better

The steaks were high, but were otherwise delicious

A man walks into a shop in Soviet Russia.

He asks the clerk, “You don’t have any meat?”

The clerk says, “No, here we don’t have any fish. The shop that doesn’t have any meat is across the street.”

My child doesn't want to eat meat. What can I replace it with?

A dog. Dogs love meat.

Every day i beat the meat at work.

I have been a butcher for five years.

A vegan said to me, "people who sell meat are gross!"

I said, "people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."






credits to Adele Cliff, from the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. Link in the comments

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An elementary school teacher was handing out samples of deer jerky to anyone who wanted to try it.

It was part of the lesson about pioneer days and she hadn't yet told them what kind of meat it was.


She was giving clues to help the students. "I'm sure all of you have seen one as there are a lot of them around here". No response.

"The males often clash to prove who is toughest". ...

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At a local college dance, a guy from America asks a girl from Sweden to dance....

While they are dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, “In America,

we call this a hug.”

She replies, “Yaah, in Sveden we call it a hug too.”

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, “In America, we call

this a kiss.”

She replies, “Yaah...

A Rabbi at the meat counter

He points at a beautiful piece of ham. "I'd like to have some of the fish there"

"But Rabbi! This is ham!"

The Rabbi shakes his head. "I didn't ask for the name of the fish!"

A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you ...

A single cow can give us lots of things, such as: milk, meat, blood, leather, fat and many more...

You could say we're milking them.

Vegan Meat

I went to a steak restaurant if they had a vegan option available. They told me that all of their meat is vegan.

I was a bit surprised and they offered to show me how they make their food. I was taken to a door near the back where some cows where grazing. One was taken and beheaded. Then an...

The price of your average meat pie in Nicaragua, Panama, Dominica and Cubais $3. In Mexico, Honduras, Jamaica and Bahamas it lies around $2.79, and the cheapest at $1.79 can be found in Granada and Guatemala.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

There was this guy working at McDonald’s.

and it was his turn to cook the French fries. So he put the frozen fries in the metal basket and dipped it in the oil. You see this guy was a veteran chef and used to be able to sense when food was cooked by looking at it's color or by smelling it, he never needed a timer or a meat thermometer or an...

A lady goes grocery shopping.

So, a lady goes to the grocery store to buy a few things, and she approaches the meat section on the store. She says to the butcher "how much for that pig's head??" To this the butcher replies "ma'am, that's a mirror."

If you receive a picture of some meat in a tin from me to your email address...

... don't worry, it's just spam.

Have you seen a car eat meat?

Nah, a carnivore eats meat

A new supermarket opened near my house.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing, and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department, there is th...

I made this one up: What do you call a butcher with a degree?

A meateorologist

Lately my wife looks at me like I’m just a piece of meat.

And it wouldn’t bother me if she wasn’t a vegan.

They're having a real problem with unlicensed food vendors in Seattle.

There's one case where a middle eastern food truck was using organ meat instead of chickpeas!

Yeah, the unlawful falafel was awful offal.

NASA had a supply of rib eye on the last flight to the international space station to see how meat cooked in space. They called it their most important mission.

Because the steaks were never higher.

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An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full versi...

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What do you call it when you put your meat between two buns?

A sandwich, you sick fuck.

I came across a great movie about a semi-truck with a defective refrigeration unit that had to deliver a large shipment of meat.

Unfortunately, the trailer spoiled it.

I walked in on my son beating his meat

I didn't know he got a job at the deli!

I was grilling yesterday but then the meat started smoking

Stakes were high

What does a waiter say when he gives meat for a vegan

Sorry it was a meat steak.

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm... that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

Which side of a deer has the best meat?

The inside.

A pastor is on a plane when the man next to him strikes up a conversation.

After some pleasantries, the pastor says, "I'm flying across the country raising money for my parish. I've been performing small miracles hoping people will donate money to me. You see, I ask the Lord to provide a person's favorite food on the spot. My best luck is with college grads who are nostalg...

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Dad cooks dinner.

He gives his kids deer meat, but doesn't tell them but gives them a clue.

Dad: What kind of meat is this, it's something mom calls me every day.

Sarah: OMG Billy, It's an asshole don't eat it.

I told a joke about a meat factory to my friends

They thought it was well done.

I randomly thought of this joke and considering it’s my cake day I thought I’d post it.

A man took his son on a hunting trip.

One day, a man took his son on a hunting trip to Silver Mountain for his sixteenth birthday like his father took him and like his grandfather took his father. As they arrived though, they saw signs everywhere that said "Private property. No hunting."

The dad was upset since it was the end of ...

My dog is vegan.

She eats meat, that's just her name.

China have announced their new rage of meat free snacks.

"Not Poodle"

What kind of meat do you get from Minecraft cows?

Cornered Beef

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What does raw meat past the expiration date and pussy have in common?

If it passes the smell test, it’s okay to eat

I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.

I’m hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, murderer?!"

Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.

my girlfriend told my to throw my Meat loaf CDs out

I would do anything for love but I won't do that

What’s the only kind of meat a priest can eat on Sunday?

Nun.

Wanna hear the wurst meat joke ever??

... did ya like it??

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