How do you cook alligator meat?

In a croc pot!

My uncle got addicted to deli meat

But I heard he quit cold turkey.

A butcher is at work, chopping up some meat when he hears the door open.

He walks to the door and sees a golden retriever with a note in its mouth. The butcher, amused, grabs the note and reads it. The note says, "I'll take a dozen sausage links. Keep the change." The butcher scoffs and is about to throw the note away until he takes another look at the dog, who is now ho...

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I overheard my neighbor say she had a shitty day, so I anonymously sent her a meat lover’s pizza

She’s a vegan and I hate her fucking guts

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Since vegans can't beat their meat what do they call masturbating?

Stem cell research.

Nice canned meat you got there

Too bad it isn't allowed here, rule 3.

She handed me a jar and said, "This herb goes well with pork, beef, duck and chicken recipes, and fatty meats in particular."

I looked at the label and thought, "That is some sage advice."

What’s the cheapest meat out there?

A deers balls, because it’s under a buck.

A vegan told me people who sold meat were disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit and veg are grocer.

I only eat vegan meat.

I've got two in my freezer right now.

We tried that new fusion restaurant that only serves intestines and organ meat.

It was offal.

ME: Is it "mince meat" or "minced meat"?

**NEIGHBOUR:** What? Did you find my cat or not?

**ME:** I'm getting to that

A man was enjoying his burger when someone broke the news to him that it was made out of 'Horse Meat'. Suddenly he went into a fit and started choking. Two hours upon rushing him to the hospital........

.......His condition is now known to be 'Stable'

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An exotically dressed prostitute is perusing the meat section of the supermarket, looking perplexed.

The butcher walks over to her and asks, “Can I help you find something?”

The prostitute explains that she while she was selecting some chicken to grill, she realized she wasn’t sure if the meat was from a hen or rooster.

Surprised, the butcher replies, “You know, I’d never considered...

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My grandmother loved to cook meat so my parents bought her a boning knife for her birthday.

Everybody laughed when she unwrapped the package, held up the knife, and said sweetly, “I’ve got a six-inch boner!”

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past.

It was a bit choppy.

Vegan Meat

I went to a steak restaurant if they had a vegan option available. They told me that all of their meat is vegan.

I was a bit surprised and they offered to show me how they make their food. I was taken to a door near the back where some cows where grazing. One was taken and beheaded. Then an...

A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.

The guy asks "what's this about?". the bartender replies, "well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You want to have a go?" The guy replies, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."

How do you make friends with a meat sandwich?

You tell it a bunch of bologna

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder?

He got a little behind in his work.

Undercooked meat

is a rare treat

I would never try to get meat off the top shelf without a ladder.

The steaks are too high

I asked my friend about his least favourite type of meat

He said sausages.
And I replied yes, they are the wurst.

A Rabbi at the meat counter

He points at a beautiful piece of ham. "I'd like to have some of the fish there"

"But Rabbi! This is ham!"

The Rabbi shakes his head. "I didn't ask for the name of the fish!"

Every day i beat the meat at work.

I have been a butcher for five years.

Some bozo tried to tell me processed meat was bad for me.

I said, "Pfft, that's baloney."

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One day a bear has announced in the woods that every animal has to bring him meat tomorrow

And if any don't bring it he'll whip their back with his dick.


So the next day every animal in the woods lines up in front of bear's cave and leaves him a piece of meat, but the rabbit as he is weak and can't hunt he left him a carrot.


The bear angrily grabbed the little ...

A man went into a cafe and asked for a meat pie.

"Shall I cut it for you?" said the waiter."Yes, please," said the man."How many pieces?" asked the waiter, "Four or six?""Better make it four. I don't think I can eat six!

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm... that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

Have you seen a car eat meat?

Nah, a carnivore eats meat

If you receive a picture of some meat in a tin from me to your email address...

... don't worry, it's just spam.

I’ve been giving my cows weed to make their meat taste better

The steaks were high, but were otherwise delicious

A single cow can give us lots of things, such as: milk, meat, blood, leather, fat and many more...

You could say we're milking them.

Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appear...

NASA had a supply of rib eye on the last flight to the international space station to see how meat cooked in space. They called it their most important mission.

Because the steaks were never higher.

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An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full versi...

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What does a dildo and tofu have in common

They’re both meat substitutes

I was grilling yesterday but then the meat started smoking

Stakes were high

What does a waiter say when he gives meat for a vegan

Sorry it was a meat steak.

If meat is murder...

...then is cake battery?

AITA for mixing up orders and serving a vegan customer a meat sandwich?

Oops wrong sub

I told a joke about a meat factory to my friends

They thought it was well done.

I randomly thought of this joke and considering it’s my cake day I thought I’d post it.

I walked in on my son beating his meat

I didn't know he got a job at the deli!

Wanna hear the wurst meat joke ever??

... did ya like it??

The price of your average meat pie in Nicaragua, Panama, Dominica and Cubais $3. In Mexico, Honduras, Jamaica and Bahamas it lies around $2.79, and the cheapest at $1.79 can be found in Granada and Guatemala.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

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This is a joke my dad always used to tell. Hope no one has heard it before

The Red Baron, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend for picnic by the river Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. The girlfriend leans over to The Red Baron and says, "Baron kiss me!" The Red Baron grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on his girlfriends Lips. "What ar...

Where is the best place to buy meat in India?

At the Delhi

What kind of meat do you get from Minecraft cows?

Cornered Beef

What’s the only kind of meat a priest can eat on Sunday?

Nun.

Which side of a deer has the best meat?

The inside.

Lately my wife looks at me like I’m just a piece of meat.

And it wouldn’t bother me if she wasn’t a vegan.

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What does raw meat past the expiration date and pussy have in common?

If it passes the smell test, it’s okay to eat

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Will I Live to see 80?

Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, He
said I was doing fairly well for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I could not resist asking him, 'Do you think ...

What kind of meat comes from an animal whose left legs are shorter than their right legs?

Lean.

I came across a great movie about a semi-truck with a defective refrigeration unit that had to deliver a large shipment of meat.

Unfortunately, the trailer spoiled it.

A sous chef hung some chops of meat on the ceiling, and challenged me saying he'd pay me 20$ if I could jump and bring them down, while I had to pay him 20$ if I couldn't.

I didn't accept, the steaks were too high

China have announced their new rage of meat free snacks.

"Not Poodle"

my girlfriend told my to throw my Meat loaf CDs out

I would do anything for love but I won't do that

Why does sandwich meat have webbed fingers?

Because it's in bread.

Recently a new supermarket opened nearby

It has an automatic water mist generator to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it starts the mist, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk section, you hear cows mooing and you get the scent of freshly cut hay.

In the meat depar...

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What do you call it when you put your meat between two buns?

A sandwich, you sick fuck.

What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing contest?

The steaks have never been higher!

Why should you always give meat to a starving man?

Because their life is at steak

What is the difference between a refrigerator and a woman?

A refrigerator doesn’t moan when you put a piece of meat in it.

How will Trump pardon the White House turkey?

Only the white meat.

A pair of Estranged brothers.

There once were two brothers born to a somewhat well off family. The younger one was exemplary. He always excelled in his classes, went to the best university in the country, and became a renowned lawyer. The older one was pretty average. He was the middle of his class, went to a local community col...

I beat my meat on a plane the other day...

Turns out you can get arrested for high jacking.

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What do you call the degree of heat present in a typical japanese dish usually consisting of seafood, meat and vegetables that have been battered and deep fried?

Tempurature.

Why should you let your meat rest for 5 minutes?

In case your arm gets tired.

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Why did the vegan eat packaged meat?

It was safer than the kale that asshole teens coughed on.

Women treat me like a corndog

They want all the bread and none of the meat

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The current pandemic has caused the price of deer meat to reach all time lows.

Deer testicles are under a buck.

I once chased out a guy who was trying to steal meat cooking in one of the ovens

You meet a lot of strange people at the Morgue

A vegan said to me, "people who sell meat are gross!"

I said, "people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."






credits to Adele Cliff, from the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. Link in the comments

So there's this sheep farmer who had money troubles because he wasn't selling a lot of wool. He decided to sell the meat instead...

...needless to say, things went from baa to wurst.

A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you ...

My girlfriend just told me the local supermarkets might run out of meat due to Covid-19.

I told her, I'm not worried. There's more than one way to skin a cat.

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger...

The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!"
Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.

"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the old lady says. ...

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A man on a business trip in Spain decides to take in a bull fight

After the event, he stops in to the little restaurant next to the venue called "The Matador". As he checks out the menu trying to decide what he wants, he sees a waiter bring a dish to another customer.

The other customer starts eating what appear to be two large meatballs with great gu...

What's the difference between meat and fish?

If you beat your fish, it dies!

If vegetables are so good on their own

Why do vegans keep trying to make them taste like meat?

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[NSFW] Gordon Ramsey: "F***ing hell, this tastes like someone shat on a piece of meat and then served it raw. What the f*** are you thinking asking me to eat this?"

"Gordon, if you don't want to give me oral sex, just say so. Don't make a production out of it." - His wife.

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass!

I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!

I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.

I’m hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.

My wife said I had to stop listening to Meat Loaf.

I'd do anything for love, but I won't do that.

Have you ever tried baby wookie meat?

It's a little chewy

I beat my meat frequently

My arm hertz a lot afterwards

Why was O.J. allowed out of jail for thanksgiving?

He was the only one in his family who knows how to carve up white meat.

How did the butcher know he’d been handling too much organ meat.

He felt offal.

If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat don’t open it

It’s spam

Vegans don't beat their meat

They beat their "0% dairy all organic tofu"

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Stop alright! It's not No Nut November!

It's always Jack-off January, Fap February, Masturbate March, Abuse-yo-cock April, Maniacally beat-yo-meat May, Jizzy June, Jerk July, Abolish-yo-junk August, Seep-yo-seed September, Orgasmic October, Nut November, Destroy Dick December.

Why does congress have as much meat as Arbys?

Because something's really fishy with all these turkeys playing chicken in a beef over pork.

A butcher is 5 ft 3 inches tall, what does he weigh?

Meat

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A British explorer sets out for an expedition into Africa...

This is a time when Europeans know very, very little about the "cannibalistic African savages," and the African tribesmen know even less about the ways of the white man. So, our explorer comes to Africa, hoping to disperse the clouds of mist, and after having to resort to employing firearms a few ti...

I went to the butcher to find him trying to unhook some meat in the freezer

He said "if you can reach those for me you can have them."

But the steaks were too high.

They're serving mystery meat at the cafeteria in the physics lab again.

I've been asking what the main ingredient they put in their heisenburgers was, and nobody knows.

I quit my career as a professional poker player, and I decided to open a grocery store.

For the first couple weeks, I didn’t earn much money. Then, I decided to rearrange the meat and the snacks in my store. I started earning lots of money. I knew that I would succeed when the chips were down and the steaks were high.

Doctor, my child refuses to eat meat! What can I replace it with?

Doctor: A dog. Dogs eat meat.

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, murderer?!"

Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.

In Soviet Russia a man walks into a shop. He asks the clerk, “You don’t have any meat?”

The clerk says, “No, here we don’t have any fish. The shop that doesn’t have any meat is across the street.”

How do you become a winner and champion in Meat Shooting Competition?

By learning from your missed steaks.

We've got the meats

If meat and seafood is surf and turf, does that make meat seafood and poultry surf turf and away?

A friend of mine has never had Mexican before....

So I took him to a nearby food truck that had a delicious assortment of options. He went up to the food truck owner.

Friend: Hi I have never had Mexican before. I was wondering if you can describe what some of these are.

Food truck owner: Certainly sir! Which would you like to know ab...

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I was served what I thought was horse meat but I'm not sure about it

It tastes like ass.

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