UPJOKE
beeffoodpoultryporkvealmuttonchickensausagefatoffalpigfishhamproteinegg

What is the cheapest kind of meat?

Deer balls! They’re under a buck…

The butcher had over 20 types of cured cylindrical meat for sale.

I never sausage a selection.

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit
and vegetables are grocer.

What is the difference between fish and meat?

If you beat your fish, it will die.

Do you know about the butcher that kept accidentally backing into the meat grinder?

He always got a little behind with his orders

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Did you hear about the werewolf who cut out butt meat to try to eat healthier?

It's called a glute-free diet

What is Jimmy McGill's favorite cut of meat?

Chuck roast.

If beating your meat can help you get Post-nut Clarity, maybe it is better do it twice for really important decisions to have

Two-Fapper Authentication

What do you cal halal cured meats?

Salaami

What do you call white meat roadkill?

Roadtisserie Chicken

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What do tofu and a dildo have in common?

They’re both meat substitutes

A man walks into a bar with two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

The man asks the bartender "why there is meat hanging from the ceiling?" , and the bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you att...

What kind of meat does a priest eat on Fridays?

Nun.

My account got hacked. If you get a DM about meat from me, don't click on it.

It's spam

What’s the funniest meat?

Beef Jokey.

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Over half the population these days enjoy meat substitutes

Or, as they’re also called, dildos

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I overheard my neighbor say she had a shitty day, so I anonymously sent her a meat lover’s pizza

She’s a vegan and I hate her fucking guts

A man sees a kebab shop owner, who is cooking some meat, and asks him a question

"Islam?"

"Yes, is lamb."

I tried to take up Motorsport, but had to prove my car could run on meat juices

It was for a Stock Car race.

I was enjoying a beautiful steak for dinner with a girl i recently met as she suddenly said "Enjoying your meat? MURDERER!??"

Like can she not bring up the fact that i shot her parents for one meal?

You know, people tell me organ meat is offal...

But personally I think German meats are the wurst.

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I tried filming myself eating dried meat with an old cine camera

But it was jerky

What's an absentee father's favorite meat?

Bison.

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

A man walks into a bar and sees a large jar full of £20 notes and a large piece of meat hanging from the ceiling

He confronts the bartender about it, and he explains.

'You put your £20 note in the jar, and then you get 3 jumps where you can try and grab that beef on the ceiling. If you get it, you can keep it and all the money in the jar.'

The man thought about for the moment, shook his head reg...

There was this guy who found an ancient book. In that book he read that dolphins live forever if you feed them the meat of an eagle.

Some time later he came across a very sick eagle and thought: It's gonna die soon anyway, might as well take it to the dolphins at the local zoo to see if what's in the book is actually true. At night he climbed over a wall to get into the zoo – and found himself right in the lion enclosure! He mana...

If meat is murder…

is cake battery?

The truckers who transport donkey meat are very hurried

They spend their entire work day hauling ass

If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat, don't open it....

It's spam

Why is a kitty who eats only lunch meats the most fragile?

Because it’s deli-cat

Those who have an obsession with meat and anagrams are tough to please.

They're really hard to assuage.

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop...

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 18.
<...

Many years ago I knew a man who's love for God was matched only by his love of dipping meat into melted cheese.

That's right, he was a Christian fonduementalist.

It's 1980 in the Soviet Union

The economic situation is absolutely dire. Leonid Brezhnev, General Secretary of the Communist Party, calls an emergency party meeting to discuss solutions.

"Comrades," Brezhnev begins, "according to our projections, within 2 years we will have run out of meat! What do you propose we do, comr...

Please, no jokes about the passing of singer and 'Rocky Horror' actor Meat Loaf.

For a great many people that's a rather tender subject.

Out of Respect for Meat Loaf Passing I Went to the Record Shoppe

They had Bat out of Hell and Bat Out of Hell Volume 2 but I couldn't find Volume 3. I asked them about it.

They told me "Two out of three ain't bad."

The Sinful Meat

Bacon proves God has a sense of humour.

He invents the greatest meat in the world, then bans His chosen people from eating it.

How does a dinosaur like it's meat?

Rawr.

I hear Grasshopper meat is a great source of protein; sustainable, and you can eat them cold!

Locusts, on the other hand, have to be swarmed up first.

When the government criminalized canned meat...

People were reported for spam

Have you heard they opened one of those Brazilian meat restaurants at the top of the Burj Khalifa

You got to be careful though because the steaks are really high

The butcher

Once there was a man in a small town who decided that he wanted to be a butcher, so he bought a small store and started his own butcher shop. It was a very modest store, consisting of only a couple display cabinets, a meat grinder, and a few shelves in the refrigerator. This man quickly became known...

What do you call meat that is cooked more than 'well done'

Congratulations.


Not mine.. I saw it in some image posted a few weeks ago

If you didn't hear already, Meat Loaf died

Henceforth referred to as Ground Beef

I tried whale meat.

But I'm just not that Inuit.

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Just a friendly reminder to show respect to Ramadan

Yes, yes. I know we all like to have a good laugh about certain things. But Ramadan is a very important and sacred time for Muslims. And as a non-Muslim, I have since learned that we need treat it with some respect.

See, my next door neighbour is a Muslim. Ever since the start of Ramadan, I h...

horse meat

A guy walks into a bar in England and orders a beer. "Do you serve any of that lasagna that they found the horse meat in?" the guy asks. "Not that I know of," the bartender replies. "But you can always try our filly cheese steak."

I got Grindr and Dominoes mixed up when I went to order

Regardless there is an 8 inch meat feast on the way and I’m scared.

A vegan said to me, "people who sell meat are gross!"

I said, "people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."






credits to Adele Cliff, from the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. Link in the comments

Why don’t vampires just eat juicy meats full of blood?

Too much cholesterol can get them a steak through the heart.

(Credit to u/down_vote_magnet for the punchline of this joke)

How does a redneck tenderize meat?

He puts his pickup truck in reverse.

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD t...

If God wanted us to be vegetarians…

Why did he make the animals out of meat?

What’s a turkey’s favorite lunch meat?

Gobblegool

Was tryin to think of a punny meat-eater joke.

But carnivore think of one. r_r

An owner of a small meat shop decides that his son is old enough and it's time to teach him business...

Father: Okay, son, you see this machine? You put a pig in here and three sausages come out there. You got it?
Son: No, pa, I don't get it.

Father: Okay, once again, you put a pig in here and get three sausages there, got it?
Son: No, still don't get it.

Father: Ohhh, one last...

What do lactose intolerant people call a collection of meat and cheese?

A shart tootery board

Why did the boardroom executives have slabs of meat in their hands?

They were all stakeholders.

Did you hear about the woman who backed into a meat grinder?

Dis-assed her.

A priest and a rabbi are having lunch

They have been friends for years, talking about their lives and their faith over lunch for as long as they can remember.

One day the priest says, "My friend, I must ask a difficult question, and if you don't answer, I'll understand. But I am too curious. Your faith prohibits you from eating...

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The parents want to get rid of the family's pet bunny.

A family has a pet rabbit, but their son and daughter fail to do their part when it comes to cleaning its cage etc. and so the parents decide to quietly kill off the bunny and tell the kids that it ran away. So that's what they do, and since it's a well-fed bunny and they don't want to let all that ...

Smart

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be helped. A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog wha...

I think should wait until tomorrow on Meat Loaf's condition.

Meat Loaf is always better the next day.

A robber was preparing to break into a butcher's to steal meat.

He decided not to in the end, as the stakes were too high.

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A man wants to buy some meat at his local Deli

A man walks in to Simpsons Deli and asks the butcher, "Do you have any deals going on right now?"

The butcher replies, "Sure we do! You can get 20 Chicken Breasts for $40, a full cow for $500, or half the meat for $499!"

The man scratches head in confusion and gets angry at the butcher...

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Why don't vegans moan during sex?

They don't want anyone to know they're enjoying a piece of meat.

What do you get when a veterinarian fails to heal your sick cow?

Uncured Meat.

How do you cook alligator meat?

In a croc pot!

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As her husband was leaving for work, his wife asks for $100 to buy meat.

The husband takes her to a mirror, pulls out a $100 bill and says, "See that $100 bill in the mirror? That one belongs to you. This one here? This one belongs to me" He puts the money in his pocket and goes to work.

When he gets home from work and opens the fridge, he sees it's packed with m...

A dog gets left in a forest by its owners. A tiger spots it, and thinks to itself: "What is that? It looks delicious." The dog catches wind of it though, and in a bit of quick thinking, it stands in front of a pile of bones, and shouts: "Mmmm, tiger meat is the best! I gotta hunt for more!"

The tiger kills and eats the dog, because it doesn't know dog language.

Last night I watched a movie called "Fresh Meat".

I don't want to spoil it for you.

I had a joke about meat.

But i'd probably butcher it.

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Vegans don't beat their meat

They jerk their vegetable.

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Mike does not feel too well.

He feels tired and stressed all the time.

"Go to the doctor", said his wife.

At first, he ignored his wife, but after a week of suffering, he finally decided to come. The doctor asked him a lot of questions.

"What do you eat for breakfast?", he asked.

"Eggs, toast with bu...

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford "The materials we put into our stomach should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But... There is one thing that is the more dangerous to all us...

In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75…

…a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15.

In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95.

In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but ...

Nice canned meat you got there

Too bad it isn't allowed here, rule 3.

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

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Two Rednecks are eating in a fancy restaurant....

Suddenly, the woman sitting at the next table starts choking and gasping for air. Everyone else around just sits there watching, but one of the Rednecks JUMPS up, grabs the woman and yanks her out of the chair. He then pulls her dress up over her head, yanks her panties down and runs his tongue up t...

I bought minced meat but forgot to pay the butcher

He now has a beef with me

A bear dad and a bear mum are getting worried as they found their cub doesn't like meat...

So, the dad showed him how to catch salmons from a river, roared, and bite them with his sharp teeth.

Showing no interest at all, the cub turned to his mum.

The mum then showed him how to chase a rabbit, grabbed the rabbit on its neck, and bite on it.

The cub seems e...

When two meat-eaters fight, it’s called beef.

When two vegans fight, it’s called a tofeud.

If a vegan accidentally eats meat...

Do they break out in chives?

Confucius Say

It is nice to meet girl in park...

but it is nicer to park meat in girl

What is a carnivore's favorite Elvis song?

Love Meat Tender

When the apocalypse starts, it's good to know that:

The meat of vegans comes from free-range farms fed a purely plant-based diet and is therefore completely free of various industrial antibiotics and growth hormones.

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A Pastor's wife goes to the grocery store and is in the meat section.

She sees some meat she's never seen before and asks what it is called. "Damn ham" replies the butcher. The wife replies "Excuse me I don't appreciate that type of language." The butcher apologizes and says he didn't name it. She buys some. She takes her groceries home and begins to cook dinner....

Everyone knows that venison is deer meat

Few know of Vanison, which is what happens when your deer is hit by a van...

and still fewer know about Vennison which shares qualities with both.

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Doctors advice

Jay's primary care doctor recently retired and that forced him to find a new one, which he did.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, Jay's new doctor said he was doing "fairly well for a man his age"… Having just turned forty-four in July, Jay was a little concerned about the doctor's c...

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Since vegans can't beat their meat what do they call masturbating?

Stem cell research.

AITA for mixing up orders and serving a vegan customer a meat sandwich?

Oops wrong sub

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What's the difference between anal sex and a microwave?

A microwave doesn't brown the meat.

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Don’t eat it!

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the children what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, “**Well, it’s what Mommy calls me sometimes**. ”The little girl screamed to her brother, “**Don’...

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Noodle and Meat Bun were best friends.

But one day they got into a disagreement and had a fight. Noodle isnt very strong but he managed to beat up Meat Bun.

Meat Bun wasnt going to take this insult without revenge, so he went off to get some brothers, Pan Fried Bun, and Steamed Pork Bun. Together, the angry mob roamed the streets ...

I had this new kind of meat the other day. It was Himalayan rabbit.

The only issue is, I found Himalayan on the road.

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Soviet Meat Queue

A mixed group of Soviet Citizens are in line outside a butchers in Vitebsk, 1950.

The butcher comes out, and says:

> Comrades, due to problems with the supply structure, there is limited meat today. All Jews must leave the line.

The Jews leave the line.

Time passes....

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, murderer?!"

Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.

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If you eat pussy, are you a meat eater?

Nope, still a vagetarian!

I ordered a bit of meat from the chef.

The waiter said they don’t serve cannibals.

On my cake day, I went to the Doctor and was told that my love of deli meats was going to kill me.

I had to quit cold turkey.

Two starving men are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat...

He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.
He says to the other man, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"
"Hell no!" replies the second man, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"
"...

Made up on the spot, and told to me by my 13yo son just now: What's a dog's favorite type of meat?

Wag-yu.

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An exotically dressed prostitute is perusing the meat section of the supermarket, looking perplexed.

The butcher walks over to her and asks, “Can I help you find something?”

The prostitute explains that she while she was selecting some chicken to grill, she realized she wasn’t sure if the meat was from a hen or rooster.

Surprised, the butcher replies, “You know, I’d never considered...

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