The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

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What do tofu and dildos have in common?

They’re both meat substitutes

What’s the cheapest meat you can buy?

Deer balls, they’re under a buck...

(Told to me by my 12yo son)

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.

I used to be addicted to raw meat..

Don't worry, I'm cured now.

Did ya hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder?

He got a little behind in his work

I hate how woman always look at me like i'm a piece of meat

and feel the need to roast me.

I was in the downtown last night thinking about having a dinner and went to a nearby restaurant. I asked the waiter, "I don't eat eggs, meat, fish, dairy or gluten. What would you recommend?"

He said a taxi.

I hate it that my wife treats me like a piece of meat....

She’s Vegan and refuses touch me!

In Soviet Russia a man walks into a shop. He asks the clerk, “You don’t have any meat?”

The clerk says, “No, here we don’t have any fish. The shop that doesn’t have any meat is across the street.”

A man walks into a bar to see a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling

The man questions the bartender about the meat, and he says if you can jump and slap a piece of meat, then you get a free drink, but if you miss, you have to buy drinks for the entire bar.

The man says “no thanks, the steaks are too high”

Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appear...

I got an email that said If I eat too much canned meat, I might die..

Its Spam!

Meat

Guy in a pub sees two lumps of meat nailed to the ceiling. “What’s that about?” he asks the barman.
“Pub tradition. Jump and touch the meat, you get a free beer.”
The guy thinks a moment, then shakes his head. “I’m not taking that bet. The steaks are too high.”

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I wanted to get my meat beaten from a cute cop

So i painted it black.

That didn't go too well, I'm in the hospital now with 3 bullet holes in my dick

They say red meat will kill you

I'm pretty sure green meat will kill you a lot faster.

What do you call the meat on your lower leg?

Bologna

‘Whaling is the hunting of whales for their usable products such as meat and blubber.’

\[ CETACEAN NEEDED \]

I sat down to eat my turkey sandwich and my wife yells, "Enjoying your meat, you murderer?"

I only wish one day goes by without her mentioning the time I killed her mother

What is the name of the most meat-loving knight ?

Sir Loin

I tried wookie meat

It was chewy

There's a group of white supremacists who don't eat meat

The Vegetaryan Brotherhood

Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Give a man a woman...

you feed him for atleast a week (more if he rations the meat properly).

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, murderer?!"

Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.

I work in a meat market

Every day is a sausage party.

A 1960s Soviet Couple is Looking to Buy Some Meat

An old married couple in Moscow wanted to celebrate their anniversary, and the wife sends her husband to the store to find meat. They are skeptical the store will have fresh meat, but it could be their last anniversary.

The old man waits in line for an hour. When he finally gets to the count...

So I went in the butchers and he said " I bet you can't reach those two pieces of meat up on that high shelf" I answered "I don't bet" "Why" he asked...

"The stakes are too high"

What's the favorite meat of Italian fratboys?

Brosciutto.

No dog meat please

Daddy, daddy, can we have a dog for Christmas? No, I think we'll have turkey as usual.

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So it's a chilly morning in Brno, and everybody 's in line to buy meat.

They're waiting and waiting, and the line's not moving at all.

Eventually a Party official comes out and says "Due to the conspiracy of wreckers, there isn't enough meat. All the Jews need to get off the line".

So the Jews all get off the line and go home, but still everyone's waiting ...

People keeps sending me canned meat.

That's a lot of spam.

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What doesn't belong in this list: meat, eggs, wife, blowjob?

Blowjob.

You can beat your meat, eggs, or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

I used to tenderuse young goats meat

But everyone got upset when i told them i beat kids meat

My doctor found out I had an addiction to white meat sandwiches.

He told me I had stop cold turkey.

Did you hear cheese and meat sales have gone up in India?

Apparently there is a New Delhi.

What do you call jam made from deer meat?

Wildlife Preserve

Flavored lube is technically meat seasoning if you think about it

Wouldn’t use it on the grill, though

I would make a joke about meat.

But it's overdone.

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A Glaswegian is standing in a bus queue eating a meat pie and chips, and this little yappy dog keeps jumping up at him and begging.

So he says to the lady that's got the dog, "Hey there, is it OK if I throw your dog a bit?"

And when she says "Yes," he picks the dog up by the scruff and yeets the fucker thirty yards up the street.

A hot dog vendor brings a homeless man to court for standing near the stand and enjoying the smell of the meat as he ate his bread. The judge is quite exasperated.

Judge: [to the homeless man] Do you deny this?

Homeless man: No, your honor.

Judge: Do you have any coins?

Homeless man: Just a few quarters, your Honor.

Judge: Give them here.

Homeless man: Your Honor, they're all I have!

Judge: That may be so, but pl...

I’ve decided to put an end to my addiction to deli meats.

I’m quitting cold turkey.

What kind of meat does a priest eat on a Friday?

Nun.

3 dinosaurs walk up to a shiny lamp

One of them rubs it, and a mystical blue genie flies out of it!

"Hello! I am genie! Since there are 3 of you, you each get 1 wish!

"I wish for a large piece of meat!" The first dinosaur said.

And so a large slab of meat materialized before his eyes and plopped down in front of h...

A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you ...

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So, I've been dating this one girl for a while now, and I've recently realized that she's been looking at me like a piece of meat.

This would be ok if it was sexual, but she's vegan.

I was on a plane, sat next to a man, who had a large rucksack full of rotting animal meat.

He said it was his carrion luggage

Why does a donkey-meat lover make women wet?

Because he eats ass.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling about ten or eleven feet in the air

So he goes up to the bartender and asks, “Why do you have all this meat hanging up everywhere?”

The bartender replies, “Well, we actually have a bit of a game we like to play here, a sort of challenge.”

The man, obviously intrigued, asks the bartender what the game is. So the bartender...

Whats the difference between meat and fish?

If you beat your fish it dies.

One day two accountants, who were best friends, were walking together down the street. One was a Hindu and constantly berated the other for eating meat!

After stopping for a hot dog, the Hindu erupted "Why do you eat meat?, Do you even know what's in that hot dog? You know, you are what you eat!"

The American replied "I am what I eat, an uncontrollable vicious animal (beating his chest)"

As they stepped off the curb a speeding car ca...

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A hunter shoots a deer and brings it home.

A hunter shoots a deer and brings it home, and has his wife clean it and cook some of it for dinner. The wife then serves it to the family. She says to the children: "Can you guess what this meat is? As a clue, it's something I call your father."


"Don't eat it!" says one child to the othe...

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A Russian farmer caught one of his cows masturbating. He slaughtered it and used the meat to invent a new dish.

He called it Beef Strokinoff.

What’s Cardi B’s favorite cut of meat?

Skirrrrrrrt

What's the difference between sandwich meat and people from Alabama?

Nothing, they're both inbred.

What do you get when you cook a special type of meat south of the border, but then put off eating it until the next day?

Fillet mañana

I decided to go vegan after visiting the meat production factory.

The livestock conditions were appalling.
The process involving production of Meatballs and Salami was bad.
But wait till you see the one of German sausage. It was the wurst.

Edit : Sweden has already decided to bring in regulations. I'd say they are ahead of the korv.

what do you call 2 tins of bird meat?

a toucan




this really sucks i’m sorry

I hate jokes about canned meat

They’re mostly spam

If you get a message from me about tinned meat, don’t open it...

It’s spam

I went on shark tank to sell a mixed meat product

I offered 20% steak

My father always told me lick the knife to get the last little bit of meat juices.

Brilliant dad, terrible surgeon.

What's a rappers favorite cut of meat?

A skrt steak

What did Jefferey Dahmer's mom say when he passed the meat at Xmas dinner?

Jeff, you know I don't like your friends.

I just found out that I’m allergic to red meat...

“I just found out that I’m allergic to red meat. No more steaks for me.”

———“I’ve never heard of that. Is that a rare allergy.”

“No, I can’t even have it well done!”

A Muslims favourite meat ...

is lamb.

What sound does meat make when it sneezes?

Au jus!

What did the Italian Meat say after paying for everyone's food?

'Salami

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I'm addicted to deli meats

The worst part is my therapist keeps recommending cold turkey

What do you get when you throw ungrateful kids in to a meat grinder?

Bratwurst

As a vegan eating with the German side of my family at Christmas can be tough. I'm too scared to tell them I am vegan so I explained that I had a crippling phobia of meat.

I feared the wurst.

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What’s the difference between a homosexual and my fridge?

My fridge doesn’t fart when I pull my meat out

I don't really cook meat that often

But when I do, it's usually very rare

Even the best farmers or engineers failed to develop a brand of cannabis-fed beef meat

The steaks were too high

Whats a difference between my meat and my game controller?

I stop ragefully beating my meat in november.

According to vegans, eating meat is a misteak

Especially in a PETA

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